0:04 when you're little and you fall down
0:06 people ask you like
0:07 where's the grays where's the breeze
0:11 nowadays it's like what do you point to
0:14 your head in your heart
0:16 [Music]
0:19 it's really hard for me to remember my
0:21 parents saying that
0:23 they were proud of me
0:25 sometimes i'd be so scared of letting
0:27 them down that i just wouldn't come home
0:29 sometimes
0:30 so i would go and sleep on park benches
0:32 or stay in like the school library like
0:34 hide behind the bookshelves until the
0:36 librarian went home
0:38 well done
0:39 [Music]
0:43 i felt this
0:44 growing emptiness inside of me and it
0:46 was like this sink that could never be
0:49 filled because at some point i lost the
0:51 plug
0:52 and no matter how much i tried to fill
0:54 it with friends with family with studies
0:56 it just felt like it could never be
0:58 filled
0:59 i just felt like i was a burden to
1:01 everyone
1:02 so if i couldn't change the situation i
1:04 was in i would just
1:06 i guess remove myself from it um
1:09 so when i was 14 i tried to end my life
1:16 not many people knew
1:18 i just put the mask right back on and
1:20 went back to school
1:23 for me there's like a wall of masks and
1:26 like i'll go into different situations
1:28 and no one would really see the real me
1:32 it was so weird experiencing anxiety and
1:35 depression at the same time because my
1:37 depression made me want to like stay in
1:39 bed all the time but my anxiety would
1:40 just make me so anxious about not doing
1:43 anything
1:44 or i want to sleep all the time but my
1:46 anxiety would like keep me awake with
1:48 these what-if thoughts
1:50 what if that person who like said that
1:52 they liked me the other day was actually
1:53 lying
1:55 it's this awful second thought that like
1:58 everything that you believe to be true
1:59 is not actually true
2:02 a few years later i'd started uni i've
2:05 been in therapy the whole time but it
2:07 just
2:08 i'm so tired
2:12 you know fighting that unwinnable war in
2:14 my head
2:15 so when i was 18 i tried to end my life
2:17 again
2:20 i didn't necessarily want to kill myself
2:22 it was just more so i wanted the pain to
2:24 stop
2:27 when you google like depression or
2:29 anxiety or anything like that it comes
2:31 up with a million articles that are
2:32 written by people who
2:34 might not have experienced it
2:37 first to me i've like went into this
2:38 really big deep dive on like what
2:40 someone else actually feels like
2:43 like am i
2:44 the weird emotions that i'm experiencing
2:46 in these colors and this heaviness
2:48 is that just me
2:51 i discovered these online forums where
2:53 people were sharing their different
2:55 experiences and stories of mental health
2:57 and
2:58 i can't really tell you how
3:00 healing it was to really find out that i
3:02 wasn't alone
3:07 i felt
3:08 genuinely motivated to actually get
3:10 better
3:12 [Music]
3:14 creative stuff has always been really
3:16 important to me in my healing journey
3:18 and
3:20 video games are like one of the few
3:21 places where i really felt like i could
3:23 be me
3:27 i can shape the world and me to be the
3:30 person who i believed myself to be
3:32 not who everyone else wants me to be
3:36 there's so much stuff i would want to
3:38 tell my younger self
3:40 there's nothing that you need to do or
3:42 be
3:43 just being you is enough
3:48 that for me that was
3:50 that was the game changer
3:55 i'm okay where i'm at and i've built a
3:56 life that i want to keep living
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