EMILY | The war in my head: When anxiety and depression compete | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: EMILY | The war in my head: When anxiety and depression compete
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when you're little and you fall down
people ask you like
where's the grays where's the breeze
nowadays it's like what do you point to
your head in your heart
[Music]
it's really hard for me to remember my
parents saying that
they were proud of me
sometimes i'd be so scared of letting
them down that i just wouldn't come home
sometimes
so i would go and sleep on park benches
or stay in like the school library like
hide behind the bookshelves until the
librarian went home
well done
[Music]
i felt this
growing emptiness inside of me and it
was like this sink that could never be
filled because at some point i lost the
plug
and no matter how much i tried to fill
it with friends with family with studies
it just felt like it could never be
filled
i just felt like i was a burden to
everyone
so if i couldn't change the situation i
was in i would just
i guess remove myself from it um
so when i was 14 i tried to end my life
not many people knew
i just put the mask right back on and
went back to school
for me there's like a wall of masks and
like i'll go into different situations
and no one would really see the real me
it was so weird experiencing anxiety and
depression at the same time because my
depression made me want to like stay in
bed all the time but my anxiety would
just make me so anxious about not doing
anything
or i want to sleep all the time but my
anxiety would like keep me awake with
these what-if thoughts
what if that person who like said that
they liked me the other day was actually
lying
it's this awful second thought that like
everything that you believe to be true
is not actually true
a few years later i'd started uni i've
been in therapy the whole time but it
just
i'm so tired
you know fighting that unwinnable war in
my head
so when i was 18 i tried to end my life
again
i didn't necessarily want to kill myself
it was just more so i wanted the pain to
stop
when you google like depression or
anxiety or anything like that it comes
up with a million articles that are
written by people who
might not have experienced it
first to me i've like went into this
really big deep dive on like what
someone else actually feels like
like am i
the weird emotions that i'm experiencing
in these colors and this heaviness
is that just me
i discovered these online forums where
people were sharing their different
experiences and stories of mental health
and
i can't really tell you how
healing it was to really find out that i
wasn't alone
i felt
genuinely motivated to actually get
better
[Music]
creative stuff has always been really
important to me in my healing journey
and
video games are like one of the few
places where i really felt like i could
be me
i can shape the world and me to be the
person who i believed myself to be
not who everyone else wants me to be
there's so much stuff i would want to
tell my younger self
there's nothing that you need to do or
be
just being you is enough
that for me that was
that was the game changer
i'm okay where i'm at and i've built a
life that i want to keep living
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