0:03 Close your eyes and visualize the first
0:05 person you think of when you hear the
0:10 word crush. Yeah, that person. The one
0:12 that makes your world stop when your
0:14 eyes meet, your heart race, and the
0:16 butterflies in your stomach go into a
0:19 wild frenzy. This might sound dramatic,
0:20 but we can all agree that there's this
0:23 exciting yet strange and sometimes
0:26 anxietyinducing feeling of euphoria that
0:28 comes over us when we're developing
0:31 feelings for another person. That's the
0:34 essence of a crush after all. But what
0:36 about when we can't explain why we're so
0:39 drawn to someone, especially someone we
0:42 know is wrong for us? In that case, it's
0:44 critical to ask ourselves, what does
0:47 this person bring out in me? To put it
0:50 bluntly, sometimes the answer to that
0:54 question is trauma. And we're not always
0:56 aware of it. Today, we're exploring how
0:58 trauma can influence who we're attracted
1:01 to and what it says about us. Remember,
1:04 our goal at Psych to Go is to inspire,
1:06 educate, and empower others through the
1:07 lens of psychology and mental health
1:11 education. Now, without further ado,
1:13 let's begin.
1:16 The shadow. I think most of us have had
1:18 moments of self-reflection where we
1:20 ponder, why am I always attracted to the
1:24 same type of person or even do I have
1:27 bad taste in men or women? You don't
1:29 have to answer that. Anyways, the
1:32 patterns you identify in your sexual and
1:34 dating preferences are almost like
1:36 little echoes from your psyche about
1:38 past experiences, including close
1:42 relationships and in some cases, past
1:45 traumas. Sometimes people aren't even
1:47 aware of the patterns in their dating
1:49 life and it's all driven by the
1:52 unconscious mind. Who we have a crush on
1:55 is obviously dictated by attraction. But
1:57 sometimes the reasons why are buried
2:01 under our shadow self, a theoretical
2:03 concept created by psychiatrist and
2:06 founder of analytical psychology, Carl
2:09 Jung. For those not familiar with Yungin
2:11 psychology, the shadow self refers to
2:14 the hidden and unconscious aspects of
2:16 ourselves that we deny and reject such
2:19 as repressed desires, habits,
2:22 personality traits, and impulses which
2:25 often form during childhood. So, how
2:28 does our shadow influence who we're
2:30 attracted to or in this case, who we
2:34 develop a crush on? One perfect example
2:36 is Joe Goldberg's character from the hit
2:40 series You. In a nutshell, Joe is a
2:43 charming, lustful, and romantic serial
2:46 killer with a penchant for love bombing.
2:48 Seemingly always in search of the woman
2:52 who can finally fix him. In reality, Joe
2:54 is seeking the kind of unconditional
2:56 maternal love he never received as a
2:58 child. It explains why Joe often
3:01 idealizes the women he's attracted to by
3:03 projecting a fantasy of the perfect
3:06 loving, nurturing, and redeeming woman.
3:08 Everything his neglectful mother was
3:11 not. Joe's love interests are also
3:14 reflective of the idealized version of
3:17 himself, the person he truly wants to
3:19 be, which is a morally right and
3:22 protective man worthy of love and
3:25 affection, which is of course always in
3:27 conflict with his shadow, the murderous
3:30 narcissistic aspect of himself. Joe
3:32 never acknowledges this and doesn't seem
3:35 aware that his dating preferences
3:37 exhibit a pattern, but the audience
3:40 definitely picks up on this. Similar to
3:42 how a person can often have an easier
3:45 time identifying patterns in other
3:47 people's lives, but fail to see their
3:50 own. Taking the time to reflect on the
3:52 type of people we're attracted to allows
3:56 us to understand ourselves better.
3:58 Confronting rather than avoiding the
4:00 difficult aspects of ourselves can help
4:02 us discover what's hiding within our
4:06 shadow as well as the traumas that could
4:08 be influencing who we're attracted to
4:09 and why we keep repeating the same
4:12 patterns in our dating lives.
4:15 Similarity, attraction, effect. Most of
4:17 us have experienced an intense crush at
4:19 least once in our lives that feels like
4:22 being hit by a ton of bricks.
4:25 exhilarating but also puzzling. You
4:28 might find yourself wondering why this
4:30 person. The truth is it's often not as
4:33 random as it seems. Like we mentioned
4:35 earlier, attraction can be shaped by
4:37 unconscious forces, including the
4:38 tendency to be drawn to people who
4:42 reflect aspects of ourselves. The
4:44 similarity attraction effect and trauma,
4:46 while not mutually exclusive, can
4:48 intersect and influence our dating
4:51 preferences. Charles Chu, an assistant
4:53 professor at Boston University,
4:55 conducted an insightful study published
4:57 by the American Psychological
4:59 Association, also known to most
5:01 psychology students as the APA, which
5:03 aimed to test and analyze the conditions
5:06 and factors that influence whom we are
5:08 attracted to or turned off by.
5:10 Participants in the case study were
5:13 presented with a fictional person named
5:16 Ja who held either similar or differing
5:18 views and opinions on multiple topics.
5:20 After asking participants to express
5:23 their views on one of five specific
5:25 topics such as abortion, capital
5:28 punishment, gun ownership, animal
5:30 testing, and physicianass assisted
5:33 suicide. They were then asked how they
5:35 felt about Jaime, who either agreed or
5:37 disagreed with them on one of five
5:39 topics mentioned above. Professor Chu
5:41 found that the more a participant
5:44 believed their opinions on these topics
5:46 were shaped by a personal essential
5:48 core, the more they felt connected to
5:51 Jaime, the pretend character who shared
5:53 their views on one of the topics. In
5:55 psychology, this concept is referred to
5:58 as self-essentialist reasoning, which is
5:59 when a person believes they have an
6:02 underlying core identity or essence that
6:04 shapes who they are. Professor Chu
6:07 explains, "Our attraction to people who
6:09 share our attributes is aided by the
6:11 belief that those shared attributes are
6:14 driven by something deep within us,
6:16 one's essence. Of course, there's
6:18 nothing inherently wrong with being
6:20 attracted to someone who shares similar
6:23 values and interests. However, this
6:25 attraction can become unhealthy when it
6:28 leads us, often unconsciously, to
6:29 gravitate towards people whose
6:31 experiences, beliefs, or behaviors
6:34 mirror unresolved trauma or who remind
6:37 us of people who once harmed us, such as
6:40 a parent or sibling, which can lead us
6:43 to recreate unhealthy dynamics. A crush
6:45 is never just a crush. There's always a
6:47 deeper reason why we're attracted to
6:49 someone. So pay attention to that
6:53 feeling and ask yourself why. Doing so
6:56 is the right step towards self-discovery
6:59 and growth. So what do you guys think?
7:00 We'd love to hear your thoughts,
7:03 opinions, and experiences in the comment
7:06 section. As always, have a wonderful day
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