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How Trauma Picks Your Crush!
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Close your eyes and visualize the first
person you think of when you hear the
word crush. Yeah, that person. The one
that makes your world stop when your
eyes meet, your heart race, and the
butterflies in your stomach go into a
wild frenzy. This might sound dramatic,
but we can all agree that there's this
exciting yet strange and sometimes
anxietyinducing feeling of euphoria that
comes over us when we're developing
feelings for another person. That's the
essence of a crush after all. But what
about when we can't explain why we're so
drawn to someone, especially someone we
know is wrong for us? In that case, it's
critical to ask ourselves, what does
this person bring out in me? To put it
bluntly, sometimes the answer to that
question is trauma. And we're not always
aware of it. Today, we're exploring how
trauma can influence who we're attracted
to and what it says about us. Remember,
our goal at Psych to Go is to inspire,
educate, and empower others through the
lens of psychology and mental health
education. Now, without further ado,
let's begin.
The shadow. I think most of us have had
moments of self-reflection where we
ponder, why am I always attracted to the
same type of person or even do I have
bad taste in men or women? You don't
have to answer that. Anyways, the
patterns you identify in your sexual and
dating preferences are almost like
little echoes from your psyche about
past experiences, including close
relationships and in some cases, past
traumas. Sometimes people aren't even
aware of the patterns in their dating
life and it's all driven by the
unconscious mind. Who we have a crush on
is obviously dictated by attraction. But
sometimes the reasons why are buried
under our shadow self, a theoretical
concept created by psychiatrist and
founder of analytical psychology, Carl
Jung. For those not familiar with Yungin
psychology, the shadow self refers to
the hidden and unconscious aspects of
ourselves that we deny and reject such
as repressed desires, habits,
personality traits, and impulses which
often form during childhood. So, how
does our shadow influence who we're
attracted to or in this case, who we
develop a crush on? One perfect example
is Joe Goldberg's character from the hit
series You. In a nutshell, Joe is a
charming, lustful, and romantic serial
killer with a penchant for love bombing.
Seemingly always in search of the woman
who can finally fix him. In reality, Joe
is seeking the kind of unconditional
maternal love he never received as a
child. It explains why Joe often
idealizes the women he's attracted to by
projecting a fantasy of the perfect
loving, nurturing, and redeeming woman.
Everything his neglectful mother was
not. Joe's love interests are also
reflective of the idealized version of
himself, the person he truly wants to
be, which is a morally right and
protective man worthy of love and
affection, which is of course always in
conflict with his shadow, the murderous
narcissistic aspect of himself. Joe
never acknowledges this and doesn't seem
aware that his dating preferences
exhibit a pattern, but the audience
definitely picks up on this. Similar to
how a person can often have an easier
time identifying patterns in other
people's lives, but fail to see their
own. Taking the time to reflect on the
type of people we're attracted to allows
us to understand ourselves better.
Confronting rather than avoiding the
difficult aspects of ourselves can help
us discover what's hiding within our
shadow as well as the traumas that could
be influencing who we're attracted to
and why we keep repeating the same
patterns in our dating lives.
Similarity, attraction, effect. Most of
us have experienced an intense crush at
least once in our lives that feels like
being hit by a ton of bricks.
exhilarating but also puzzling. You
might find yourself wondering why this
person. The truth is it's often not as
random as it seems. Like we mentioned
earlier, attraction can be shaped by
unconscious forces, including the
tendency to be drawn to people who
reflect aspects of ourselves. The
similarity attraction effect and trauma,
while not mutually exclusive, can
intersect and influence our dating
preferences. Charles Chu, an assistant
professor at Boston University,
conducted an insightful study published
by the American Psychological
Association, also known to most
psychology students as the APA, which
aimed to test and analyze the conditions
and factors that influence whom we are
attracted to or turned off by.
Participants in the case study were
presented with a fictional person named
Ja who held either similar or differing
views and opinions on multiple topics.
After asking participants to express
their views on one of five specific
topics such as abortion, capital
punishment, gun ownership, animal
testing, and physicianass assisted
suicide. They were then asked how they
felt about Jaime, who either agreed or
disagreed with them on one of five
topics mentioned above. Professor Chu
found that the more a participant
believed their opinions on these topics
were shaped by a personal essential
core, the more they felt connected to
Jaime, the pretend character who shared
their views on one of the topics. In
psychology, this concept is referred to
as self-essentialist reasoning, which is
when a person believes they have an
underlying core identity or essence that
shapes who they are. Professor Chu
explains, "Our attraction to people who
share our attributes is aided by the
belief that those shared attributes are
driven by something deep within us,
one's essence. Of course, there's
nothing inherently wrong with being
attracted to someone who shares similar
values and interests. However, this
attraction can become unhealthy when it
leads us, often unconsciously, to
gravitate towards people whose
experiences, beliefs, or behaviors
mirror unresolved trauma or who remind
us of people who once harmed us, such as
a parent or sibling, which can lead us
to recreate unhealthy dynamics. A crush
is never just a crush. There's always a
deeper reason why we're attracted to
someone. So pay attention to that
feeling and ask yourself why. Doing so
is the right step towards self-discovery
and growth. So what do you guys think?
We'd love to hear your thoughts,
opinions, and experiences in the comment
section. As always, have a wonderful day
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