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Have a NARCISSISTIC ADULT CHILD? 21 Things NOT to Do | Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Have a NARCISSISTIC ADULT CHILD? 21 Things NOT to Do
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Video Transcript
good evening and welcome to save your
sanity I'm Dr Roberta Shader in this
episode we're going to be talking about
narcissistic adult children
and that may not seem to apply to as
many people as you might think but it
does because when you raise a child who
turns against you or is demanding or
Endeavors to hold you hostage through
emotions and the fact that you gave them
birth it is a very very difficult
situation and it takes some specific
things so in this episode I'm going to
give you 21 things not to do
if you have a narcissistic adult child
and every one of them is Big needs doing
and takes some work so let's get into it
and that's important to know you know
that's truly important to know what's
going on and if you have a narcissistic
adult child you'll be very very aware of
exactly what it is that's going on all
the time you're always feeling as though
there's a demand coming that you haven't
done what you should that it's not good
enough you were never good enough you
didn't give them what they needed it's
your fault they behave the way they do
and I could go on and on and on about
all the things that you would feel
and all the things that they do in order
to have power over you
so that's why I chose to do this episode
on these narcissistic people who you may
have given birth to and yet they're
they're haunting you at all times
keeping you on edge walking on eggshells
and it's time to stop
but maybe you don't know how to really
isolate what it is that's bothering you
how to do it so there are more than 21
ways but in this episode I'm going to
give you 21 don'ts so the first one is
don't meet their demands
Akino I I so frequently about taking the
four Healthy Steps back so that you
could see the bigger picture
now when did this
narcissistic adult child start thinking
it was okay to call the shots
to make demands on you
and when did it the criticism that you
would go along with him
you know I've seen parents in recent
years who have
children who are really on a poor path
towards horrid entitlement and they're
laughing at them and saying isn't it
cute how bossy they are and how they
throw Hissy Fits and how they they um
um
behave like miniature adults
it's not cute it's not healthy it's not okay
okay
we have to teach our children that we
live in a world of give and take of yes
and no and if we're not doing that we
can raise children who believe that they
can make demands on us
and they can't
other adults cannot make demands on you
why should the ones you gave birth to be
able to do that so the first thing not
to do is to not meet their demands
you might say something like was that a request
right that may be a gentle entry into
coming into that conversation was they
make a demand you should give me this
you know what's that a request
was that an ask
was that something that was an opening
line to a conversation
now you know the answer is no but they
don't want to lose face so they may
pretend that it is an opening
the first thing is don't meet their
demands they have no right to be making
you wouldn't keep a friend around
another adult who made demands on you or
at least I hope you wouldn't so it's not
okay for your adult children to be doing
it either the number two don't is don't
let them control you
don't let them decide what you can and
can't do what you can and can't say how
you spend your money how you spend your
time what you do how you order your day
whether or not you make dinner
just do not let them control you and
don't let them pull you off your moral
compass you know they want you to do
what they want you to do
and they won't love you anymore if you
do it
they really really won't in fact they
think you're weak if they can make you
do what they want you to do they
actually respect you less
so that's a big don't don't let them
control you
the third don't is don't have weak
boundaries now that's almost oxymoronic
because there shouldn't be such a thing
as a weak boundary a boundary is a
boundary is a boundary it's not weak or
strong it is a boundary where people get
confused it seems they don't know the
difference between an agreement and a boundary
boundary
agreement is something we come to by
negotiating and talking a boundary is
this is where I stop and You Begin and
if you don't honor that I have a
non-negotiable consequence
and in this case with the narcissistic
adult children if that happens
I'm going away
or I'm ending the conversation or I
refuse to discuss this further and it is
absolute it is non-negotiable
so have boundaries
But be sure they are boundaries
you're not negotiating a boundary a
boundary is this is okay with me and
this is not
and there is no question where that
switch twists
okay not okay and if you do not okay
here's what will happen and it has to
fail
to put the consequence into action you
just told them you don't mean what you
say and then you have a whole long-term
piece of work to do to get them back to
believing you do mean what you say
so don't have wheat boundary
number four don't respond to their
temper tantrums
when they were little and they threw a
temper tantrum had the checkout in the
grocery because you've said no to their
you just watched and then you picked
them up hopefully put them in the cart
and said the answer is still no but how
many parents don't do that
and say oh I'm embarrassed oh I want the
child to be quiet oh I got to appease
them somehow so you give them what they
want and now they expect that they can
just pretend or begin to or threaten to
throw a temper tantrum and they'll get
what they want
so if you have a history of giving in
because their temper scares you and it
is scary
narcissistic adults have terrible rages
and they can't be very scary but really
important don't don't respond to those
temper tantrums
with anything except leaving
you know I don't stay where yelling is involved
involved
thank you
that's a boundary
and make sure that you do it
okay number five don't give in to their threats
threats
don't they love to threaten you if you
don't do that I'll never let you see the grandchildren
grandchildren okay
and also means you'll never ask me to
look after the grandchildren because you
know that won't be available to you it's
not a tip for that situation I'm just
pointing out that they don't see it at
the moment that that stream runs both ways
ways
but don't give into the threat to
withhold the grandchildren or
um not to ever see you in the future and
don't be making empty threats if you
don't do what I say I'll take you out of
my will because that's a hijacked move too
too right
right
but it's really tempting to try to
appease these people and we don't want
to appease them we don't particularly
want to please them but we definitely
don't want to appease them
and that can become a habit but
especially if we raise them from Little
People we may have gotten into that
habit and now we have to break it and
they don't like it because it means
they're not getting their way
number six is don't respond to their
future faking
you know oh well you know if you do this
for me I'll do this for you next week
when's the last time you've actually got
anything out of a bargain like that
as long as it fit
I bet it's been a while right
because you need to get something
in the relationship it must be give and
take there must be a quality reciprocity
and mutuality and so when they future
fake they promise something another day
if you'll only do what they want you to
do right now you get hopeful so oh maybe
there will be reciprocity but if you
have will be able to count on them and
then you look at their track record and
you find no you truly can't count on them
them
now of course as I'm saying all these
things I could just as easily be talking
about a narcissistic partner right so
so
whatever relationship you're in you will
recognize the same things and they're
all don't
but in particular I was responding
because someone in my emerging empowered
Community said
um do you ever talk about um
um
working with narcissistic adult children
and I do and there I just put on the
screen join in today.com that's how you
can join my emerging empowered Community
put someone in there said would you do a
video on dealing with narcissistic adult
children so that's what I'm doing right
now but it applies to all narcissists
this list of don'ts applies no matter
what relationship you have with them and
I'm sure you figured that out already
so don't respond to their future fake
now don't
don't let them use the grandchildren as Pawns
Pawns
hijack call us use people
and hijackles use children to get their way
way
and when you see that when you clearly
see that they know that you want to be
involved with the grandchildren you want
time with the grandchildren
can they see that as a pawn in their
game to get what they want so when they
threaten to
use the children as Pawns
don't respond
you know something you could say oh that
would be too bad
but don't ever start begging do whatever
you start giving him
because that's a slippery slippery slope
and it will not end well
it truly won't end well
okay so number eight
don't let them make don't let them make
you feel bad that their behavior is fearful
fearful
that their bad behavior is your fault I
wouldn't be this way if you hadn't done
this I wouldn't behave this way if you
hadn't let me get away with it I
wouldn't be this way if you weren't so mean
mean
through their adults it is super super
important that when your children become
adults you let them riddles
adults have consequences for their
behavior you know I have done several
videos on enabling one of the big big
defining points of enabling someone is
when you fail to let them experience
so when your child
becomes an adult
you have to let them experience the
consequences of their poor choices just
as I hope you did before they became an adult
adult
that's very hard for some people because
you want to go around just softening the
world you know putting carpet and
cushions under their every step
but they're adults now and that isn't
helpful to them and it will only keep
you in servitude
and keep you anxious and that's not
going to be helpful so don't let them
make their bad behavior you are her
fault they're choosing it they're adults
they're quite capable of choosing it and
they are
don't believe they're emotional
outbursts believe the facts
was twist things
they love to twist things to their
advantage they will tell Pop plausible
lives they will tell plausible stories
they won't be accurate but they'll be
plausible and if you if you listen they
will try and manipulate you with emotion
because they don't deal in fact
they just don't deal in fact and when
you actually speak about
they kind of fall apart they get worse
they get more angry they get more upset
they get more blaming and shaming and
guilty because they hate facts about
their behavior they hate
them so
don't believe all their emotionality
particularly don't believe their tears
that's just
too much usually if they don't have
tears they pretend to have tears but
they're going to try to win no matter
what they're going to be big and
blustery they're going to be poor me
you're going to be crying whatever
they're doing is all just a drama in
order to win
and he they want to suck you in don't be
that person
see after I warned you this was going to
be 21 things that were really big to do
so each one of them really takes some
work and if you've been
when they wanting to talk about your
particular case
just know that you can talk to me I have
a new client one-time offer for your
first session and 97 be a client.com and
we can talk about your issue and be a
client.com so number 10.
don't think
that you will receive something from
them if you give first
you're wiser than that you already know
that equation doesn't work it doesn't
play out in reality when you're dealing
with a high jackal and if you haven't
heard my term my jacket before
I Define a hijackable as a person who
hijacks a relationship for their own
needs and purposes
and their relentlessly scavenges that
relationship for power status and control
control
and narcissistic adult children will do
that so they are hijackled but don't
think that if you give them something
there will be reciprocity there will not
Chuckles or takers
their motto is get as much as you can by
giving as little as possible
so if you are constantly giving and
giving hoping that they're gonna like
you better they're going to be nicer to
you they're going to let you see the
grandchildren they're going to come to visit
visit
it's not going to happen you know that
you know that in your heart
you know that you don't want to know
really get in touch with them
your life needs so much joy
and a hijackyl is not going to bring it
definitely not gonna bring it
number 11 is don't think it's your job
to make them happy
it's nobody's job to make someone else
happy happiness is an inside job you
know if you've heard that saying it'll
be about as happy as you make up your
mind to be that doesn't include somebody
doing something for you
and you can't make a hijacker happy why
because if they ever
let you think that you made them happy
that means you had some power over them
and they're not going to allow that
so you could be at it for a lifetime
trying to make them happy and they are
there denying that anything makes them happy
happy
or something might make them happy for a
hot minute you know you give them the
car that they wanted
and then they crash it and they say oh well
well
worthy never say thank you or
they don't talk to you for the next six months
months
you you understand that not your job to
make them happy and number 12 is don't
let them run guilt on you
don't let them do it you know well if
only you would do this then I wouldn't
have to behave this way oh no
you're the author of your own choices
you're the author of your own responses
to life
I'm making them up for you so don't
don't ascribe any me any part
in your your scenario where you would
like me to feel guilty about who you
decide to be and how you decide to run
your life and your mouse
two very important to see that
how about number 13 don't accept blame
for their life choices
they're adults they make choices they
fall in their face hopefully they learn
they pick themselves up they don't do
that again
well you know hijackles don't behave
that way
you know they just look for someone to blame
blame
you know they can be walking down a
perfect perfect sidewalk on a perfectly
beautiful day and they can trip on their
own feet and they're immediately looking
for someone to blame and the city to sue
because they must have tripped over
something that someone else made them trip
trip
you know and you can extrapolate that to
everything they have to say about
everything in their life so we don't let
them run guilt on you and blame you for
their life choices
because they're adults they make a
choice it has a consequence and if you
are not allowing them to have the
consequence of their choices you are not
um
it is not good parenting to give kids
everything they want
it's just isn't
who cares so number 14 don't let them
use you
that seems so simple
simple but so important because hijack
all this use people
and they will use your money it will use
your time they will take up your
emotional landscape if you let them in
you know sometimes people ask me what
about forgiveness
and my response is this you've forgiven someone
someone
when you no longer think about them when
they're not taking up any mental Realty
or any space in your heart
you've forgiven them you just don't
think of them when you have shifted into
that space they're forgiven
but don't let them use you
and don't keep perpetuating those things
by repeating them to yourself
hijackles are nasty they really are yes
we could say compassionately they're
troubled they have issues we can say all
those things but as I say all the time
and I know those who of you who listen
regularly will say with me
I didn't break them I can't fix them
not my job
I didn't break them I can't fix them now
when you're the parent of these children
you have to notice did I break them
I still can't fix them
but I can I can have a healthier
relationship with them now because I
will show them what healthy boundaries
are what healthy steps are what healthy
interactions are and now that I have
become healthier in these interactions
they don't like it
they don't like it
but it's just because you maybe were
misguided somewhere along the way
doesn't mean you have to stay misguided
doesn't mean you have to continue to
support their bad behavior
you know as Maya Angelou said when you
know better you do better
change at any time anytime
anytime
I know it's frustrating I know it's
infuriating I know it's disappointing I
know it's confusing I know it upsets you
I know that it it troubles you keeps you
up at night you know how can I see the
grandchildren why don't my kids come
home you know so many things
however when you get that distance from
them and you begin to realize
who they are
don't like it and as an adult myself I
have the choice to have whomever I want
in my life
and therefore I have boundaries to say
who can stay in my life and just because
I gave birth to you doesn't mean I have
to put up with what it is you're serving
I really don't I can say no thank you
and so can you it is truly important so
number 15 goes with it don't let them
abuse you
now I've spoken of that so frequently
this is difficult to say people are
abusing you
nobody likes to say that because it
means they're abusing me and now that I
recognize it I need to stop it and
change things
so if I ever say out loud my
I've got work to do
now you know you can go to be a
client.com where we can talk about this
but you have work to do
and in my community the emerging
empowered Community had join in today.com
today.com
I have workbooks for you and courses to
take you through these things and when
you remember over there you get three
group ask me anything calls with me each month
month
for a very low monthly fee and even
lower if you buy a three-month membership
membership
I want you to have this information I
want it to be available to you to help
you get healthier and healthier
this is so important so
hydrocals are abusive by Nature that's
what they are
so it's okay to say I will not allow you
to be abusive and this is what is
abusive number 16 don't think that they
will ever be satisfied
it's big right don't think that a
hijackable adult child will ever be
satisfied no they want more more more
and more give me more I am more
important I am more worthy I am more
needy I need everything that you have
and then you should go and borrow and
give me more
and that's the way they think
a big weight you can lift off yourself
if you realize that that one more thing
that one more car now one more help with
a down payment on a house now one more
thing that they want to specially go to
will be the thing that will makes him
respect you or care about you or love
you it isn't there it isn't going to happen
happen
and you already know that in your heart
because you've done it before
number 17.
don't accept their entitlement
just because somebody believes that they
should be given everything
and yesterday
does that means that you are the one
who's supposed to give it to them
so you stamp your little foot
and I don't come running now what
and where did you ever get the idea that
I would be there to do everything oops
maybe I taught you that and I don't like
it anymore I have learned differently I
want a better life for myself I don't
want a life it's about running around
hoping hoping hoping that my hijackled
kid will like me no because I don't
respect them I respect their right to be
a hijackle but I don't respect their
right to be around me
I just don't respect the way that they
treat me or other people so no
I will not accept your entitlement
you know
don't think that because you can may
have contributed to the way that they
behave that you have to keep doing it
entitled to change and to grow and to
use that phrase that I I borrowed from
Star Jones who says my needs have changed
changed
so important to realize our needs have
changed I have a need for respect
I have a need for not being taken
advantage of you have a need for not
being guilted or shamed or blamed or
future faked or gas lit
I don't do that anymore
I hope that's something you can say
and how and don't allow it don't accept
their entitlement
number 18.
don't forget they are predators
they are out to get they're out to take
they're out to pounds they're out to
come home with the Booty and The Bounty
and they don't care who they hurt
they really don't care because they're
empathy deficient
and so don't forget that they are predators
predators
and they will take from anyone
but particularly they'll take from you
or try to If you happen to be their parent
parent
or their sibling
or if we're talking about hijackles in general
general
it could be your friend it could be your
partner your parent could be anybody
okay so don't forget they're predators
you know sometimes I watch Court
programs and
I always notice that when I pit bull has
assaulted a small dog on a walk
somewhere they always say well that's
what pit bulls do
they lock on and they shake and then
someone has to unlock their child
well hijackles are like that too
they lock on and they shake and until
you say
no not getting anything out of me
they won't put you down
and it's important to know the nature of
the Beast
truly is and I'd expect them to be
different not to be hooked on hope that
they are different
and yes when they appear to be changed
for a hot minute
don't believe it wait to see if the
change is sustained for 12 months and
then say how nice it is that the change
is sustained
number 19. don't forget who they are is
their actions not their words
always notice their actions
on the podcast another thing we usually
end up saying together is ABP that's our
Mantra always believe Behavior
I don't care what anybody says I care to
see what they do and if it matches their
words great
if it doesn't I was raped to be watching
their actions and hijack goals are very
transparent in their actions
and that's what they truly believe is
what they do
not what they say they can make nice
with the words but the actions mean everything
everything
so we're coming close to the end of the
list it's a big list you may want to
listen to it again
because there's so many pieces to it and
each piece asks so much of you I realize that
that
but it's good stuff to really get in
touch with that you don't have to be
considering a hijackable every day of
your life when you start putting some of
these things in action yourself
you know it's because we give birth to
them doesn't mean we want to be their
friends or we want them in our lives
sometimes you just have to let go
okay number 20. don't expect them to change
change
they're not going to
the actual research shows that high
jackals get worse with age
so if you're thinking oh well they'll
grow out of it or they'll mature or
they'll have enough life experiences
that they will you know have a few
shocks and it'll change them no
it entrenches them it doesn't change
them and it's important to see that I
know how much you wish that the worldly
experience would give them the School of
Hard Knocks it doesn't
they do their best to give the world the
School of Hard Knocks
as created by them
and they think they're entitled to do that
that
so all of those 20 Things number 21. big
big
don't give your life away
to someone dedicated to rejecting you in
don't give your life away
to someone dedicated to rejecting you to
get their way
you could spend the rest of your life
hoping a hijackled child would
straighten out would have enough life
experience to knock off their edges
into half of them become healthy humans
it doesn't happen
it doesn't happen and I'm not talking
from gloom and doom you know a few
people with a few hijackal Tendencies
who are self-aware and say whoa I picked
that up from my mother and I don't like
it when I do it you know sure they can
change their behavior but that's not the
people we're talking about right now
think about people who behave like that daily
daily
of all these expectations of you that
you will do all the things that I said
don't true
so I hope this was helpful I hope you'll
reflect on it I hope you'll come on over
and join in an emergingempower.com join
the community read the blog there's so
much there for you including all the
podcast episodes everything is there
so until we speak again
take very good care of yourself because
you're precious and you matter
so let's see who's with us tonight
hello Hunter
hi Linda thank you for the super sticker
always appreciate the little boost that
we get when people offer money to say
they're receiving value here so thank
you Linda hello Deborah you are welcome
for the episode for sure
Hunter said boundaries are tough as some
people will just disregard them they
will but boundaries have consequences
and if people disregard them you enact
the consequences which is don't be
around me anymore go away
no deal
all of that
not easy but really important
then to said exploitation absolutely
that's what all this is everything I
spoke about tonight was trying to
exploit and get everything that they
want while they run rough shot over you
not anymore because you've been
listening to save your sanity so long
that you say no no no no no not
happening right
and they said I made up a great excuse
this weekend to escape his mean sisters
in a an adults
going off to a nice hotel son and Santa
with a perfect excuse I came first Yay
good for you you're taking care of
yourself that's great
you know
self-care is not selfish
self-care is important
Honda said conversely it's also not your
responsibility when someone accuses you
of making them angry no people decide to
get angry you don't make them angry
I've had relationships where the abuse
was excused because I made them mad
I have
like that shows you how crooked the
thinking of many people are is because
just because someone else
upset them that
that
how dare you
if you choose to get angry about it
that's your issue that's your thing and
if the way you express your anger means
that my boundary says I'm out of here
they'll be even angrier but it solves so much
much
so important
Linda said we have to take care of
ourselves and protect ourselves and
leave permanently if it's essential to
escape yes we truly do
we truly do have to think it through and
believe you're important you're equal
equally important and you'll never have
equality reciprocity and a mutuality
with a hijackle no matter who they are
even if they happen to be your adult child
so it's all important and Linda says
they also take revenge
to give them the last say yes they do
but because what you're expecting it it
has no impact
you know that they know about anyway so
so
I know that this was not a topic
everybody would get excited about but
it's an important topic for us to realize
realize
because it helps us read revisit
hijackal relationships in general you
know that they are all these things that
I mentioned and we need to say no to
those things you know all of those
don'ts are important and when you really
take that on board and you say huh
no matter what I've done in the past I
can now change this to the don'ts
not taking it on not taking it in not
having it in my life anymore yes it'll
be a difficult transition in many cases
but you deserve to not have that happening
happening
and I hope that it's really helped you
to think about it and I really invite
you to listen again I'm sure of course
share the podcast with people you know
or in Facebook groups you're on if you
found value and other people need to to
hear those things it would be helpful
but really take it in really take it in
like oh there's 21 things that I can do
to protect myself from hijackles in any relationship
relationship
that it was focused today on what
narcissistic adult children might do
so I say we don't have any more comments
so I'm going to say
take very good care of yourself
because you're precious and you matter
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