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Aşırı Fedakarlık Hayır Diyememek Herkesi Memnun Etme Davranışlarının Nedenleri ve Çözüm Yolları - AI Summary, Mind Map & Transcript | Psk. Özlem Tokgöz Özsoylar | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Aşırı Fedakarlık Hayır Diyememek Herkesi Memnun Etme Davranışlarının Nedenleri ve Çözüm Yolları
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This content explores maladaptive schemas, specifically submissiveness and excessive altruism, which lead individuals to prioritize others' needs over their own, causing internal conflict and unhappiness. It offers practical steps to identify and address these self-sacrificing patterns.
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are you overly altruistic or people-pleasing?
Do you ignore your own needs for the sake of others?
Do you think about other people's well-being more than your own?
Do you find it difficult to say no to people?
Do you think it is selfish to express your own wants and needs?
Are you experiencing feelings of guilt when you do that?
Then you may have a submissiveness or self-sacrifice schemes, or perhaps
can be both. So what are these schemes and How can we deal with them?
Tips are in this video.
schemas are rigid beliefs
that we form from childhood
about other people, ourselves, and outside world.
schemas are necessary because they give us a framework of
what is what or how it should be.
But with our limited consciousness in childhood these schemas that we have created, that is to say
some of the rigid judgements can be troublesome.
These are what we call maladaptive schemas and these maladaptive schemas that we create in childhood
affect the way we look at things, our perceptions,
our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
submissiveness schema and excessive altruism schema are among the maladaptive schemas.
individuals with this schema try to please others.
The feelings and thoughts of others are more important
Then why should the problem and these people change you can say.
Some of the conspirators even said. you're destabilising, you're destroying his morals.
you're spoiling it."
Of course, people are kind and harmonious. it's beautiful and it's what we've been looking for.
However, in doing so, it is important to observe a balance It is necessary.
As you know, everything in excess is harmful.
If, in doing so, the person tramples on himself and this what a pity if the effort is above a certain dosage
which in this case, is a way of trying to harm oneself. It begins.
Trying to please everyone, the wishes and needs of others
to prioritise his own, to put his own not to express their needs after a while
starts to knead the person quite a lot and the person as if he was living a life that wasn't his
as if he's alive.
And even if you don't realise it, sacrifice you're feeling anger inside because of what you've done.
and this anger starts to build up it's damaging.
According to Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy today, there are actually two types of the tilting scheme
there are. One of them is self-sacrifice. Schematic.
In this schema, the person helps others when you don't, when you don't want to give your life for others.
when you don't sacrifice, you feel a twinge of guilt. and he starts to feel a sense of guilt
and in order to cope with the feeling and sacrificing his life for others.
to live.
The second type is the surrender scheme we can call it a scheme or a neck
It could also be called slanting.
In this, the person fulfils the wishes of others when you don't bring them, or when you say no to them.
from others rejecting him, because he's afraid of being ostracised, disapproved of.
they bow down to the others.
Which one of these is the most to realise that it is pressing, you need to ask yourself
you can ask the question.
Why can't I say no to other people?
Or why don't I just let my own wants, my own needs. I'm putting it on the back burner?
What is the basic feeling underlying this?
You know, deep down inside, I don't think people that he'll reject me, that he won't like me?
Otherwise, when I express myself in some way. that feeling of guilt that comes up
I'm trying to calm you down?
So how do we move on from the causes to the solutions? Let's move on.
In the first step, accept these two things at the outset to be a part of it.
What are these two things?
1. You are not as strong as you think you are.
You have needs, too, and those needs also important.
Overly altruistic people often feel like they didn't need anything, they didn't need any help.
pretend they don't need them.
When they're asked what they need, no, no, no, no, no. they use words like "I don't want to, I don't need to".
Like every human being, you have needs and that these needs are important
and to recognise that it can sometimes take precedence We need it.
The second thing we have to accept is this.
Just as you're not as strong and powerful if you're not effective, other people
as helpless and helpless as you think they are not.
Especially in the scheme of self-sacrifice. even if we have to protect ourselves from everything and everyone.
we feel responsible.
Would it have been better if I'd done it like this?
Is that because I didn't do that?
I wonder if I've helped you enough.
Should I do more?
And the guilt that comes with these thoughts to cope with this guilt.
increasingly violent self-sacrifice and help behaviour.
The feelings of others in this schema, their lives, what happened to them.
we almost take the responsibility on ourselves.
This is actually crossing the boundary of the other.
It also helps them to cope with problems and we also underestimate the resilience of our scheme.
influence. So, we're gonna have to use our own sphere of influence while perceiving it as exaggeratedly large and expansive,
the other person's ability to put up with it, and we underestimate the power to deal with them.
Actually, when you're doing it, you're telling someone even if he doesn't need it, he can always get such help.
and self-sacrificing behaviour while at the same time
the power to cope with problems, unfortunately. weaken and make us dependent on ourselves.
we're bringing them. Yeah, we're bringing them you're more vulnerable, you're more needy.
we perceive exaggeratedly, but in fact they're often a lot more
are durable and often solve their problems they can actually solve it themselves.
So in short, accept two things.
1 You are not God.
Everything and everyone is out of your control.
You can't give freely to everyone and everything.
You have needs, too.
You're just a mortal man.
2. Others are not as helpless as you think.
In the second step we will make a list.
For this list, take a piece of paper in front of you cut the paper in half.
Left-hand column.
I don't know of any situation where you've sacrificed yourself write examples.
For example, situations where you can't say no. express your real wishes and needs
situations where you can't.
It's like I can't express myself when I'm writing this. instead of a general statement, for example, with someone
and when I went to dinner, you told me what I wanted. not being able to say what I really want when he asks, realising
Write more concrete examples, such as saying it doesn't.
Write your sacrifices on the list.
For whom are your compromises?
What compromises did you make?
This list also includes situations that you think, situations that you feel uncomfortable
but you can't say them.
Your passive-aggressive behaviour.
Write this down. Against passive-aggressive behaviour you can't just say no to the other side, or you can't just
you can't say what ails you.
It is to show this indirectly.
For example, if someone asks you to do something if you want.
You've never actually said yes to that. you don't want.
Stop. But since you can't say no, okay. you've said you'd do it, you'd do it.
Deep down you don't want to do it at all.
But because you can't just say no. you shake it, you delay it.
This is passive-aggressive behaviour.
Or you can tell someone that you're clearly uncomfortable pouting because you can't say something, insinuating
to be present, i.e. indirectly in some way again passive to show that you are uncomfortable
is an example of aggressive behaviour.
Take your time with this list.
Reflect on it.
So don't fill it up in a hurry.
If necessary, you can write down the first things that come to your mind Wait.
Make additions as you think of them.
If we've finished the first column, we'll go to the second column. we're moving on.
In the second column, in the first column what we want to change from what we wrote
and what to change in front of it we're going to do.
Let's say that in the first column There is.
My mother's rules for my child you wrote an example of not recognising.
So I set some rules for my child.
But my mum doesn't recognise these rules.
He seems to say yes to things I say no to. in a situation like this.
It bothers you, but there's one thing you can't.
In the second column, I wrote about this with my mum. I'll talk about it.
I told my mum, I told my child to be consistent with me.
As I'm going to make a speech about it. you can write a statement.
Or let's say in the first column you wrote.
I'm always listening to everyone's troubles, but I've never you said you weren't telling me about yours.
In the second column, in a week's time I've been having a lot of trouble with my mate
You can write a statement such as I will share.
This list is actually our road map and will be our target list.
After filling in the second column take a look at what you've written, and for you
choose the one that is easiest to implement starting with a step-by-step list
start implementing the corrections.
Of course, while doing this, some information you'll need.
Some information that may help you you need.
For example, if you feel uncomfortable with something and when you transfer it to the other party, you do it in a gentle but effective
how to express it in a way.
Effective information and prescriptions for this you can watch my video.
In my video titled "Say it without offending, but how? I am addressing the issue.
Link with you in the comments below I will share.
When dealing with excessive sacrifice, the third our step is to recognise the triggers
to get away from them.
Usually to people who trigger our schema, into situations, into relationships.
It's called scheme chemistry.
So you've got a self-sacrificing cheer?
More like this needy, dependent, irresponsible you're drawn to people.
Or is surrender, submission, submissiveness You got it?
Dominant To exert control over others you may be drawn towards selfish people who love
. Actually, it's one of the unconscious reasons and one of them is a man who looks like our first wounded relationship.
to relationships and situations an effort to repair.
Maybe this time I'll make it.
And yet, despite the fact according to the people you're attracted to, but you don't know
I'm afraid I don't know how to deal with these people it is difficult to establish a healthy relationship in these situations.
Because these kinds of situations and people they'll trigger you to live
you'll enter into a cycle.
So look at the relationships around you. Take a look.
What kind of behaviour to all kinds of relationships What kind of people usually have patterns
around you? Recognise it and do as much as you can people and to take precautions against these situations.
work. Now you're dealing with excessive sacrifice one of the effective ways to be able to
so that we can establish our own borders the other side about the borders
to keep you informed. All kinds of relationships relationship with parents, friendship, work,
lovers, spouses, in any kind of relationship you may find it useful to know about the borders
my videos with effective tips Playback titled Boundaries in Relationships
you can find it on my list.
Link to this playlist of this playlist I'm adding it again to the comment I said fixed at the beginning.
In this playlist, again, the previous one the video I told you about.
I encourage you to watch these videos as well to implement the recommendations mentioned
I wish.
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