there's a whole endless array of how an emotionally
emotionally
uh adolescent teenager is going to try
to conceptualize what does it mean to be
a man in this situation. Yeah, that's
interesting that you said that. And at
first I felt like moms were just in
constant survival mode. So that's why a
lot of the expectations fell on the sun.
But I do realize some of you all were
placed in adult roles and that's not
okay. Um, and I think my ex-husband told
my younger son the same thing, like
you're the man of the house, but also no
other man comes in the house. And I
think he took that way too seriously
because I had moved on. You know what
I'm saying? And how was it okay for your
dad to bring different women to come and
pick you up, but it wasn't okay for me
to move forward? And that's why our
relationship I believe is um in the
space that it's in and here it is that I
moved on and he hasn't really been able
to get over that 20 plus years later.
I'm saying yeah. So let's let's talk
about a different angle because what
I've seen from some black men that get
in the comments and they'll say things
like, "Well, stop running men away." And
I'm always going to turn around and say,
"What about the mothers who never
badmouth that dad, never caused them any
trauma?" and just really moved on with
life the best way she knew how to with
her kid or her children without causing
that drama. I do know that women do push
men away. I do know that women want to
control the narrative when men move on
and get into new relationships and they
want to cause trauma and all of that.
And I do not agree with it. It's
something that I find absolutely
appalling and I don't respect women who
keep a man from their child because you
want to control that dynamic and it's
something that I prided myself on never
doing. It was just a natural thing. It
was, you know, you have children the
same way I know I have children. You
know, I'm taking on the sole custody and
the sole responsibility of both of my
sons, but I'm not going to chase you to
be a dad. I'm not going to chase you for
money. I'm not going to get into all of
that drama, but again, I know there are
women that do that. So, when it comes to
that narrative of stop running us away
and stop pushing us away, what what can
you talk about as it relates to that?
appreciate your your you being very um
forthcoming and truthful about like your
own experience and and what you st what
you try what you strove not to do in
terms of bad mouthing and and demonizing
the father of your children and
everything. It doesn't benefit anybody. I
I
think what's what tends to happen when
these types of discussions come on from
a clinician and psychological
perspective a lot of times people are
reacting to the after effects. People
are responding to um well you chased him
away or or he wasn't this or he wasn't
that or or she this or she that.
My job is really to let's my job is to
get people when I say were you going
into a relationship looking at it
through a selfless lens or a selfish
lens and were you going into it with
your eyes wide open or were you always
hiding your eyes when the red flags were
always there? Tell you why as an
example. So, woman divorces her partner,
her husband, who had they have two kids.
Um, they they've been together for 8
years. They got a 5-year-old and a
three-year-old. And she's in my
office. And as we're talking, I'm
eventually, you know, I'm listening. I'm
sharing. I'm I'm I'm displaying empathy.
I'm hearing her out. I'm hearing her
side and and of what happened and what
went wrong. And I'm not demonizing her
for wanting to
leave. There's two things I try to get
people to think about.
one, I just read all those statistics
of what
statistically you open up your child,
especially your black boys to if and
when you are going to potentially make a
decision like this.
So number two, so the first question is,
did I think about all of these factors
before I decided to end my relationship
and break up this family that I agreed
to start and I agreed to be in?
Usually usually they're thinking more
about how they're feeling in the moment
and not the short and long-term
potential consequences of who this boy
is eventually going to turn into. Mhm.
Part two, and this is the one that I'm
trying to figure out a way through these
platforms as I start doing this to get
people to start thinking earlier and
sooner about certain things before they
feel they have to make that decision. Is
the reason or reasons other than abuse, neglect,
neglect,
Yeah. other than abuse or neglect or or
theft or or things of that nature?
The question is going to be, are you
breaking up your family? Are you
splitting up the homes? Yeah. Are you
increasing your child's being at risk
for all the things we just listed off of
something you knew while y'all were
dating? That is the accountability. That
is the accountability piece for sure.
After time after
time, woman after woman after woman,
mother after mother after mother, 90 to
95% of them will narrative to their
girlfriends, to social media, to
everybody that'll hear it about how much
of a dog he was, that he cheated, that
he wasn't romantic enough, that he that
he wasn't the greatest helper around the
home, that I was doing this or doing
that. But then when I start actually probing,
probing,
and asking, well, did he ever do that?
Right. Was he ever cooking? Right. He
wait was was he ever like the type that
was really helping you with stuff,
right? Oh, so you thought going to
change when you got the ring. Oh, no.
You thought he was going to change when
you have when you gave him the baby. Oh,
no. He was going to change when you gave
him baby number three. You know, they
think that though. Like, seriously, I
think they do. I think people go into
marriage with this unrealistic
expectation that they are going to be
able to change the other person. And I
always say, you should never go into a
marriage as your best representative.
you should always go in as yourself. I
believe that you enter into a
relationship with that you put on a
facade to try to suppress them until you
get what you want and then you become a
different person. Like you can't be okay
with your man going to the strip club
and then when you get married you like I
don't want you to go to the strip club.
I tell every woman this. Anyone who's
talked to me about marriage, anybody
I've been married for 18 plus years to
the same man who is absolutely amazing.
Um, but you can't go in starting
something that you know you're not gonna
finish. You can't go in having
threesomes and then when y'all get
married, you like, "I don't really want
to do this no more, baby. I just wanted
to be us." No, but you came in and you
made it seem like it was okay for us to
have threesomes. And then when he
changes his mind, now it's it's a
problem. And there there's the battle.
I You're saying everything that's in my
head. A lot of moms are dealing with the
consequences of choices and decisions
they made. Yeah. Based off of things
they already knew when they initiated
and maintained and married and gave the
men that they did children. Yeah. Yeah.
I know that the story is all this stuff
is new and he's never done this before,
but I'm telling you as a clinician who's
been doing this for 10 years, who is
black, who came from a single parent
household, the reason why you left
should probably not be the reason.
If you continued the relationship all
the way to the point of walking down the
aisle of agreeing to certain things,
sharing assets, giving m giving this man
multiple children, etc., etc. You're
you're built it's imagine building on a
foundation that you know is faulty and
then halfway through the project being
like it's over. Well, now we're
homeless. Yeah. So why would you thought
to to continue building on the
foundation that you knew early on wasn't
going to be sufficient long term? You
said it you said it earlier. Men tend to
go into a lot of these relationships
hoping she doesn't change. Mhm. Women
often times go into relationships hoping
that he does.
Or thinking she can change him. Yeah. Or
thinking that she can change him for the
better. For the better.
So, so if you're going into
relationships thinking that you could
change him or that he's going to
eventually improve or well if I if I if
I give him a kid or if we get married
then it's going to
get me the guy that he was when you
first let's get past the the good the
good 90-day probationary period where
everybody got they present
right that next six months plus the the
the the women that's that's hitting you
up texting you the women that say, "Hey,
you know, you're man this and man that."
Did you stay? Yeah. Did you still marry
him? Yeah. Did you still Now, now if you
two were a couple and came in and I'm
hearing out about this stuff, that
doesn't mean I'm not going to challenge
him, right? Prove as a man and say,
"Listen, bro. I'm not saying you got to
be perfect. I'm not perfect, but I got
But you got to acknowledge that there
got to be more effort because you also
agreed to certain things and you got to
start to you got to start to step it up.
You're now a father. You're now a
husband. More people are now dependent
on you. You can't continue to just think
about self anymore, my guy. Because if
you keep going down this path, she's
going to change. And when she changes,
there's usually no point of no return.
And when women check out, there's almost
nothing you can do about it. Hey,
listen. R. Kelly made that song years
ago. When that song came out, I was
like, "Yeah, he's right." because that's
where I was in my marriage and I was
still trying to make it work because I
come from a home where my parents were
divorced and also abuse and domestic
violence and my my father was addicted
to to crack cocaine and our family
dynamic really beca it was already bad.
My mom married and divorced my dad and
then married him again because he
promised he would change and because she
wanted a two parent home. But what I see
the whole narrative saying, "Well, stop
pushing us away and stop running us
off." I'm like, "But why aren't you
fighting to stay?" And I'm not saying
fight to stay in the home if there's a
toxic dynamic because I will never
cosign that. But
um why why don't you all fight harder?
Even if you're not going to stay with
that mother, why aren't you fighting
harder to make sure you stay in your
child's life? I'll say this in relation
to that and it starts with the premise
that people should need to be in a
position to fight in the first place.
Like when when when men are going out to date
date
and women will sometimes brag and boast
about how difficult they are for, oh,
you know, um he's going to have to fight
for this or or you know, he needs to
okay, what if we're already doing that
in real life? Life is stressful. We're
constantly trying to improve ourselves
financially. The world is beating us up.
I done read all the statistics and stats
of what's likely to happen if if he if
he grew up in a certain situation or how
he's seen a certain way by the justice.
There's a whole there's enough war
outside. The absolute last thing that a
man would want where he's supposed to
find peace, get peace, have a home, is
having to fight with the person that's
supposed to be a conduit of those
things. Now, that doesn't mean that he
didn't do things that could contribute
to why there's all this fighting going
on. What I'm basically saying is is it
men will choose current peace over the
over current chaos.
Yeah, I agree. And and how do we know
this? Because they'll wait till their
kids turn 18,
to tell them their side of things, then
go back and forth with a woman.
The whole half the book of Proverbs is
about what it's like to live with a
woman who doesn't bring peace.
That's a book.
I wonder why a biblical writer would
spend so much time about what it means
to be a contentious wife versus a
Proverbs 31 woman. Right. Right. Right.
Consequences are generationally impactful.
impactful.
We don't actually want to be in a
scenario where we got to fight and keep
going back and forth with somebody for
leadership, for direction, for what what
what uh what the kid what the kids can
or can't wear. um what's g how much
money we gonna spend in refernishing the
home, what type of home we gonna get,
this that this that. It gets to the
place for a lot of men where they're
like, I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not
doing this because and I'll argue this,
the more of a man that he is, the less
he's going to tolerate attempts at you
trying to control, manipulate, um
assassinate his character, um disrespect
him, berate him. is actually it's
actually if he's if he's the man you
think he is he's actually going to
tolerate that less right in a child is
not going to make him tolerate it as he
should I totally agree with that the
consequence of that from the man's
perspective is he's going to miss out on
everything almost
he he now was going to split his time
significantly with his children if he
even's going to go through that. Mhm.
How about
this? If I've had women or female
friends, family members, co-workers,
co-workers,
clients, all to varying degrees admit to property
property
destruction, admit to various
manipulation tactics, lying lying about
being pregnant and pregnancy tests. Uh
manipulation tactics is saying, "Well,
if you do this, I'm going to tell the
police you did black did that." calling
the police when when y'all having
arguments and disputes where he hasn't
threatened or or or or attempted to
threaten or do anything to you. Calling
brothers and uncles saying this man is
doing this and doing that. But when they
show the version of what you spun that
could have gotten people killed or
arrested wasn't actually what matched
up. Men are dying because of the
inability for women to
choose men correctly from the beginning.
So when we say, "Well, why aren't they
fighting harder? Why is he why are you
two in a position where he needs to
fight for anything?"
That's good. That's what I'm talking
about from a therapeutic psychological
perspective. We are so damaged as a
community. I agree that we will uphold
and elevate all the bad things, all the
bad traits and
qualities sexually, relationally, with
marriage, with toxicity. Why don't they
fight? Why don't you bring peace? Mhm.
Well, cuz who wants to fight all the
time? We're We've been fighting for a
long time. I want peace. Like I said, I
used to think that that rage was this
expression because of the father in some
cases being absent. And that was what
was being projected on the women who
really love our sons. Like we really do
love our sons. There's some moms that
are not built to be moms at all. Um
they're not emotionally, spiritually
equipped to be moms. And I know that.
But I always circle back to the ones who
do love you and some of that pain being
projected onto those moms. I want to
pivot a little bit. How do we start
healing? Because we talked about
accountability. You've made some really
great points of like you said, you knew
who you were getting in a relationship.
I think a lot of times we do, but then I
think sometimes everybody brings their
best representative. Like I said, so you
could have had someone that was starting
out, they amazing when you were dating.
They checked off all the boxes, even in
the first year of marriage, but then
something switches. I know women that
have been in long-term relationships,
and now they're like, "This is not even
a person that I know anymore, and they
have walked out on their children. I'd
like to create a peaceful environment
for my husband. I always have, but not
just for him, for me." And then when my
children were growing up, definitely
coming out of a toxic, abusive, domestic
type of relationship, I got a divorce
because I wanted them to have some
peace. I knew what it came with, but I
knew what staying would do even more.
So, how do we move forward? We talked
about the accountability piece. How do
we start breaking some of the cycles
without repeating them? because I see it
being repetitive not only just with
black men but even black daughters
against their moms and it just seems
like this phenomena that moms are now
this endangered species just not quite
understanding why there's so much of an
attack on moms so how do we break this
cycle how you know I feel like the
millennials the genzies they're already
in this cycle of wanting to build walls
instead of building bridges um But how
do we change that for this next
generation coming in?
Um, if we acknowledge that the
patriarchy where things are male and men
centered and and much of of society was
shaped around the patriarchy and we can
highlight all the flaws of it. There may
have been some potential benefits but
there were probably some potential
flaws. There's probably no other
community that further resembles
anything closer to a matriarchy and
being uh gyocentric than the black
community by far. The stats say by far
we're the closest thing to a matriarchy
maybe arguably in the world, let alone
in our community. Well, we have to first
acknowledge and start with the outcomes.
outcomes.
If we're saying men are leaving and men
are giving up and men ain't there and
men ain't this, the data and stats say
70% of all relation relationships,
particularly marriages, are being
initiated by women. And it's as high as
80% if they're college educated.
So you may have these outlier cases
where a mom was really good or a man
just walked out on a really good woman
and this this and that. Fair. I'm not
going to never lie and tell you you
ain't that's that's a lie. That's not
true. It clearly is true. It's the
exception doesn't make the rule. Yeah.
We are a matriarchy. If we are
functionally more gyocentric in
nature and we're having these outcomes,
we have to get to a place that we have
to be open to the possibility that maybe
a lot of this anger and frustration and
vitriol maybe isn't being communicated
well. Mhm. Part of it is
is
you you can't have this structure have
these outcomes and say you're doing
everybody's doing a great job, right?
The math ain't math. Yeah. Something is
off. So you're saying what do we what do
we need to identify? What do we need to
do? How do we need to fix these two
things? Yeah. Like what does that inner
work look like for all of us? Yes. two
movies, especially for this audience,
that I want everybody to go see if they
haven't, and they're staples for a lot
of people in the black community. Soul Food
Food
and Losing Isaiah. Some of my favorite
alltime movies. How that was Halib
Berry's person that was to me that was
her greatest acting ever was losing
Isaiah. I could do a whole I could do a
whole film just on lo I do a whole
podcast on just losing Isaiah if we ever
do something like that. The reason why
those two films to me are exactly where
we need to start before we start talking
about prescriptions on what men and
women or children or whoever needs to do this.
this.
Soul Food was so great because it was a
movie about a grandmother who would
always have her family coming around
each Sunday for for for lunch or dinner
and she would cook all this soul food
and gather her family and she was the
matriarch. Everybody will come to
grandma's house and a lot of people a
little bit older than me, my parents
generation and older, we used to talk
about how like, you know, how much
community they had and people would go
to people's homes and this person was
the cook and that was like a really
really big thing where everybody Sunday,
especially on Sundays to either their
mother's or their grandmother's home and
that was a thing
throughout the movie though obviously
for though and I'm going Spoil it.
Spoiler alert for those who never seen
it. Never saw that. Grandom's going to
get sick and she gets a limb
amputated. And that came about as a
result of the diet of the food that she was
was
cooking. And eventually when she got out
the hospital, she went right back to
eating and cooking the same stuff that
she was. And before you know it, grandma
didn't make it to the end of the movie.
And the family in honor of
grandma sought to continue the tradition
of cooking the very same thing that took
her from her family and was actually killing
killing
her. I would offer that as loving and as
caring and as as as good as grandom was
there, she was unknowingly doing things
that was not only harming her but
increasing the chances for there being
distance or her not being able to remain
with her family. Mhm. For many mothers
that are now older and and and well into
the years where their kids are adults or
their kids are having kids, they may
have unknowingly been doing certain
things, saying
treating their children in certain
patterns that being a loving mother with
good intentions felt right in the
moment. But if you're now experiencing
the consequences of those said choices,
now in the movie, she's losing limbs.
She's she's But in real
life, if if a it's highly unlikely that
a child that grows up in a healthy,
stable environment for the duration of
their childhood and doesn't have any
significant mental health diagnosible
conditions, drops off the map and wants
nothing to do with their parents. Highly
unlikely. Very rare actually. Very rare.
Disagree. I disagree with that, Jeff.
But go ahead. I'm g tell you it's highly
unlikely because and I'ming my words
very carefully what I'm saying. If
environment where they have and are
getting what they need from two parents,
two sources of influence. It's highly
unlikely unless there is a mental health
diagnosable reason for why this person
has detourred and started started
showing borderline personality
tendencies, showing bipolar tendencies,
showing narcissistic personality
tendencies. That's a diagnosible issue
that clearly could be radically distinct
from whether or not you had good parents
or not. So what I'm suggesting is unless
the person is exhibiting and showing
those type of traits and signs that a
licensed professional psychiatrist or
psychologist or clinician would be able
to better see more than likely they are
grandmom in soul food. They may be doing
things that everybody loves in the
moment that felt good that's bringing
everybody together and they may be
unaware of potential things that they
were doing or how they were moving. They
were doing it for the sake of love. They
were doing it. They were nurturing. They
were doing it because they thought they
were protecting their child.
They don't learn the consequences of
some of those choices until after their
child is old enough to be able to
articulate and finally be able to
respond to it. Mhm. In the black
community, many people when they get older
older
say a lot of black parents treat
feedback as disrespect.
Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that.
That's I I I would put money on it that
it's most Yeah, I've seen that. I have
no problem with feedback. It's the way
that it's delivered. You can come and
you can come and express yourself. You
can come and tell me like m when I asked
you this, you said this and it was a
little harsh and I will check myself. I
have no problem doing that, but it's the
way I believe the feedback comes back.
So, you know, um I agree with I received
that and I agree with it, but I but I
will add this additional counterpoint
that doesn't negate what you said, but
I'll say this.
If a man was the constantly doing you
dirty and treating you wrong or not, you
know, holding up his end of the bargain
and it isn't or he he he he get caught
cheating for the fourth time, fifth
time. He keeps saying, "Babe, I'm going
to go get a job. Go get a job." And you
finally start to pull back. You finally
start to emotionally get detached and
you're no longer valuing the
relationship like you used to. Why is it
and women say this all the time. Why is
it that I finally start to not care and
I'm so angry that I finally ra Now he
want to change. Now he want to talk. Now
he want to Now he wants to do all the
things that I would have loved for him
to have provided the space and started
to do when I most valued and needed it.
That's a good point. Most black
moms aren't interested and open to
hearing that until their kids become adults.
adults.
Mhm. If you're waiting to hear about
what type of mother you were
only when your child became an
adult, don't be shocked if they've now
started to become more emotionally
detached where they've started put some
distance between you and them. Because
when because when they were a kid and
stuff is happening because we're not
perfect kids and we're not perfect
parents at all. Mhm. Why was it that we
only thought to provide the opportunity
to ever hear and get the performance
evaluation, hear about ourselves, hear
about the external audits when our kids
are adults. Mhm. Mhm. If you wait too
long to ever hear anything or welcome
feedback about hearing something you may
not want to have been
favorable, don't be shocked when you're
getting all of this push back, vitriol,
bitterness because the time period of
when you probably could have heard it in
a much more palatable
way when it was when it was happening
when they were younger when you could
have still done something about it in
the black community specific and I've
heard it in the Asian community. I've
heard it in the Hispanic community and
I've heard it in the black community. I
don't know enough about the white
community to say
right what mom says goes. I feel like in
the white community they their children
set a standard where they did tell their
parents how to feel in comparison to how
we are. But guess what? 80 80 probably
80% of my followers on Mom's True Tea
are white women that are experiencing
the same thing. Like just the idea that
we never even thought about the idea.
Well, I'm asking I'm
inquiring. I'm reaching out. Why aren't
they telling me or why this? Why that?
It could potentially be the guy who
waited too long to start to actually do
put the work in and actually receive the
feedback and actually actually start
talking and actually start sharing and
start making changes based on said
feedback, you're waiting too long. And
then when she finally leaves the
relationship or breaks up with you, now
you want to say, "I've changed.
I want to be different." So, as moms, if
we're not perfect and we're human like
everybody else, sometimes we have to
re-evaluate and wonder, did I wait too
long to actually be open to feedback?
And these are some questions when you
say, well, what do we do about it? I
have what's called a matern a
map, maternal assessment plan for moms.
These are a list of questions that you
may want to reflect on, process, and it
will better help you to open up the
possibility of understanding these
feelings and emotions that don't seem to
make sense why they're coming at you the
way that they are. Okay, that's fair. Do
I want to be a better person and mother
than I was before? For many moms, or
have I concluded that there's no room
for growth in this area of my life?
You you work out because you want to
improve on your health. You change your
diet because you want to improve on what
nutrients you're taking in your body.
But when did you decide? I want to be a
better mom than I was previously. And
who gets to help you do that more so
than the people who you are? Experienced you.
you.
Who is allowed to do a performance
evaluation of black women and mothers if
they're the matriarchs? If they're the
matriarchs where feedback is interpreted
as disrespect if you're a child, if
husbands are saying happy wife, happy life,
life,
which about moms or black women
specifically? Oh, it's cuz you hate your
black mother. It's cuz you don't respect
black women. Then who when does a self a
then where does the actual audit begin?
Have I unknowingly attached my
self-worth and value to feedback which
is might have been reluctant to ever
seek it? Mhm. But I think some moms do
and they wrap their whole identity up
and what value they have to their
children. I I definitely don't oppose
what you're saying and I think that's
where that self-reflection piece
definitely comes in. So, you're
absolutely right. Um I do believe that
some of us try to do different than our
parents by allowing our children to
express themselves far more than I
could. There was no talking back. There
was no expressing anything. I'm just
starting to share things with my mom now
because she's ready to receive them.
When I tried to share them with her
earlier on when I was a younger and I
think probably in my 30s, she was not
ready to receive any of that and it
ended up into a physical confrontation
because she was not ready to receive
that no matter how I was delivering it.
Now my mother's in a different space so
we can have conversations. if something
comes up, I say, "Well, mom, this is how
I experienced you growing up." And now
she's in his mental space to have those conversations. So, I don't disagree with
conversations. So, I don't disagree with what you're saying. But I also know that
what you're saying. But I also know that me being Gen X, coming from a boomer
me being Gen X, coming from a boomer parent where we had no voice, there was
parent where we had no voice, there was no talking back, there was no
no talking back, there was no expression. It was whatever I said, that
expression. It was whatever I said, that was just it. We tried to do different
was just it. We tried to do different with our children. We wanted them to
with our children. We wanted them to express themselves. Some of us, I always
express themselves. Some of us, I always say some of us, I can only speak for
say some of us, I can only speak for myself. I wanted my sons to be able to
myself. I wanted my sons to be able to express themselves to me. I wanted them
express themselves to me. I wanted them to be like, "Well, mom, damn, that was a
to be like, "Well, mom, damn, that was a little harsh." You know what I'm saying?
little harsh." You know what I'm saying? And I and then I do some
And I and then I do some self-reflection. And then times, even
self-reflection. And then times, even when they didn't call me out, if I feel
when they didn't call me out, if I feel like I may have responded to something
like I may have responded to something because I'm so overstimulated myself, I
because I'm so overstimulated myself, I would go back to them and say, "Hey,
would go back to them and say, "Hey, listen. The way I responded to that, it
listen. The way I responded to that, it wasn't right, and I apologize to you."
wasn't right, and I apologize to you." So, I've always held my own feet to the
So, I've always held my own feet to the fire as it relates to that. But yeah, I
fire as it relates to that. But yeah, I agree that it doesn't happen quite
agree that it doesn't happen quite often. But as I wrap up, final thoughts
often. But as I wrap up, final thoughts and I feel like we all need to heal.
and I feel like we all need to heal. It's never too late. I want my brothers
It's never too late. I want my brothers to stop putting all their misplaced rage
to stop putting all their misplaced rage on your mas. Be mad at the systems. I
on your mas. Be mad at the systems. I also feel like everybody wants somebody
also feel like everybody wants somebody to be accountable, but there's no
to be accountable, but there's no reflection of self. And I'm always like,
reflection of self. And I'm always like, okay, well, what are you going to be
okay, well, what are you going to be accountable for? So, I say all of that
accountable for? So, I say all of that to say, we all need to figure out a way
to say, we all need to figure out a way to heal collectively. We need to stop
to heal collectively. We need to stop building those walls because you felt
building those walls because you felt like you couldn't express yourself.
like you couldn't express yourself. There's just this wall that goes up in
There's just this wall that goes up in the br instead of a bridge for us all to
the br instead of a bridge for us all to cross. Um, you know, so first of all,
cross. Um, you know, so first of all, Jeff, thank you. I'm glad that you came
Jeff, thank you. I'm glad that you came on that we had this conversation. it. We
on that we had this conversation. it. We There's so many layers to this that we
There's so many layers to this that we definitely could unpack. I know the
definitely could unpack. I know the conversation may be uncomfortable for
conversation may be uncomfortable for some people, but I think it's really
some people, but I think it's really really good. And it just means that it's
really good. And it just means that it's time for us, like I said, to heal and to
time for us, like I said, to heal and to keep growing and to do the selfwork and
keep growing and to do the selfwork and unpack the pain that we've either caused
unpack the pain that we've either caused on ourselves or that has been put on us.
on ourselves or that has been put on us. We need to learn to love also without
We need to learn to love also without projection. We need to learn to respect
projection. We need to learn to respect without resentment from us too. So tell
without resentment from us too. So tell us a little bit about your podcast, when
us a little bit about your podcast, when you're getting started, if you haven't
you're getting started, if you haven't started, where it can be found or where
started, where it can be found or where it will be found and how people can find
it will be found and how people can find you on social media. Uh a thank you um
you on social media. Uh a thank you um uh Kendall for allowing me to do this
uh Kendall for allowing me to do this with you. This was not this is not an
with you. This was not this is not an easy topic. I know that there's going to
easy topic. I know that there's going to be people that's not going to like some
be people that's not going to like some of the things that I had to say. Um,
of the things that I had to say. Um, well, and I'm just both professionally
well, and I'm just both professionally as an and as a man just trying to show a
as an and as a man just trying to show a different lens or at least way of
different lens or at least way of looking at some of this stuff. Yeah. My
looking at some of this stuff. Yeah. My goal is actually not to beat up on women
goal is actually not to beat up on women or men specifically as much as it is to
or men specifically as much as it is to make it known each of us has our role to
make it known each of us has our role to play for how we got here and each of us
play for how we got here and each of us is going to have our role for how we
is going to have our role for how we going to get out of this. Agreed. Um,
going to get out of this. Agreed. Um, yeah. So, my pro uh podcast is Ask a
yeah. So, my pro uh podcast is Ask a Brother um podcast on Instagram. I just
Brother um podcast on Instagram. I just recently launched a page. Um, this is
recently launched a page. Um, this is the first like actual podcast I'm
the first like actual podcast I'm actually like doing with someone. Um,
actually like doing with someone. Um, eventually I'll be recording my own
eventually I'll be recording my own content as well and collaborating with
content as well and collaborating with other content creators. Um, and I
other content creators. Um, and I definitely welcome people to offer
definitely welcome people to offer particular topics they would like me or
particular topics they would like me or me and whoever I'm working with to
me and whoever I'm working with to collab on. Um, I'm my warning to moms
collab on. Um, I'm my warning to moms who have heard this and are thinking,
who have heard this and are thinking, you know what, I do need to try to do
you know what, I do need to try to do this with my kids, be mindful that not
this with my kids, be mindful that not all adult children or people in general
all adult children or people in general are mentally or emotionally mature
are mentally or emotionally mature enough for you to try to engage in a
enough for you to try to engage in a tough conversation with. They're just
tough conversation with. They're just not. Uh, so you kind of have to know
not. Uh, so you kind of have to know your kid to know if this is something
your kid to know if this is something you could even try to attempt to do with
you could even try to attempt to do with them because I don't want moms to be
them because I don't want moms to be verbally or emotionally abused. Um, I'm
verbally or emotionally abused. Um, I'm wanting them to be healed and whole and
wanting them to be healed and whole and better versions of themselves than they
better versions of themselves than they were 10, 20, 30 years ago. Um, it's one
were 10, 20, 30 years ago. Um, it's one thing to live in the past, but it's an
thing to live in the past, but it's an entirely different thing to never
entirely different thing to never acknowledge it. And that's really my
acknowledge it. And that's really my whole bread and butter as far as like a
whole bread and butter as far as like a psychonamic perspective. I want moms to
psychonamic perspective. I want moms to be more reflective and less reactive.
be more reflective and less reactive. Yeah, that's a good one. To be much more
Yeah, that's a good one. To be much more intentional about setting their feelings
intentional about setting their feelings and emotions aside when they're trying
and emotions aside when they're trying to have these potent potential types of
to have these potent potential types of combos. And my hope is that if you hear
combos. And my hope is that if you hear truth, you're going to cling to it even
truth, you're going to cling to it even if you think that it doesn't feel good
if you think that it doesn't feel good versus avoiding or pushing it away
versus avoiding or pushing it away because it makes you feel bad. Um, so
because it makes you feel bad. Um, so yeah, if you take if we take ownership,
yeah, if you take if we take ownership, men included, um, husbands, fathers, uh,
men included, um, husbands, fathers, uh, players, former players, former
players, former players, former strippers, former this, former that,
strippers, former this, former that, divorced, not never married, wherever we
divorced, not never married, wherever we are in the pecking order, we got to take
are in the pecking order, we got to take ownership for our past words and and and
ownership for our past words and and and actions, whether they've been good or
actions, whether they've been good or bad, respect the other party's
bad, respect the other party's boundaries. Um, avoid retaliatory
boundaries. Um, avoid retaliatory actions after they've told you their
actions after they've told you their experience or their truth. Mhm. And if
experience or their truth. Mhm. And if you do that, my belief is at least
you do that, my belief is at least you're going to be able to have peace
you're going to be able to have peace with your own conscience because you
with your own conscience because you came hands open, not baldled up, and and
came hands open, not baldled up, and and and you left you left the p you let the
and you left you left the p you let the chips fall where they may. And and I
chips fall where they may. And and I think that even if you thought, well, or
think that even if you thought, well, or they say you could have been a better
they say you could have been a better mom, you could be in a better
mom, you could be in a better grandmother. You could be a better
grandmother. You could be a better better uh godmother. You could be a
better uh godmother. You could be a better adult. Period. So, so just
better adult. Period. So, so just because the past is the past and we
because the past is the past and we can't change it doesn't mean we can't
can't change it doesn't mean we can't heal potentially reconcile and be better
heal potentially reconcile and be better versions of where we were back then. So,
versions of where we were back then. So, I appreciate Absolutely. Absolutely.
I appreciate Absolutely. Absolutely. Like I said, if this combo combo made
Like I said, if this combo combo made you feel uncomfortable in any way, good.
you feel uncomfortable in any way, good. That means it's time for us to grow.
That means it's time for us to grow. It's time for us to do the selfwork and
It's time for us to do the selfwork and to really learn to build bridges instead
to really learn to build bridges instead of walls. again. Jeff, thank you for
of walls. again. Jeff, thank you for joining mom shoot and I look forward to
joining mom shoot and I look forward to having this conversation again. All
having this conversation again. All right. Thank you so much for tuning in.
right. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm so blessed to have a community where
I'm so blessed to have a community where I can show up as my most authentic self
I can show up as my most authentic self because I don't know what else to be.
because I don't know what else to be. Don't forget to favorite the show, leave
Don't forget to favorite the show, leave a review, and subscribe to the podcast
a review, and subscribe to the podcast on your favorite streaming platforms to
on your favorite streaming platforms to stay uptodate on new episodes. Subscribe
stay uptodate on new episodes. Subscribe to my newsletter at
to my newsletter at momset.com. Follow us on all socials at
momset.com. Follow us on all socials at mums t ru ta. And be sure to share and
mums t ru ta. And be sure to share and stay tuned for more thoughtprovoking
stay tuned for more thoughtprovoking topics and real talk on mom's true tea
topics and real talk on mom's true tea with Kendall. Until next time, remember
with Kendall. Until next time, remember you need you just as much as anyone
you need you just as much as anyone else. So stop playing about you. Okay,
else. So stop playing about you. Okay, bye.
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