0:08 [Music]
0:11 Hi everyone. I'm Dr. Peter Serno.
0:14 I'm a personality disorder specialist
0:17 and a retired licensed psychotherapist.
0:20 I have retired my license in order to
0:23 focus more on education and writing. I
0:25 also had the privilege of being featured
0:29 as a personality disorder expert in the
0:32 Hulu series Ted Bundy Dialogue with the
0:34 devil. So if there are any people who
0:37 are interested in that type of docu
0:40 series, you can watch that on Hulu or
0:42 Disney Plus. Some of you who watch my
0:43 videos know that I tend to go a little
0:45 bit rogue, if you will, because I
0:47 challenge a lot of the popular but
0:50 misleading ideas in mental health about
0:52 what really causes personality
0:54 disorders. Before we begin, let me ask
0:56 one thing as always. Please keep the
0:59 comments respectful. These topics can
1:01 feel very personal and very raw. My goal
1:03 here isn't to label anyone or attack
1:05 anyone. It's to teach, to clarify, and
1:07 to give you a deeper picture of what
1:08 these disorders actually look like.
1:10 Today we are going to talk about
1:12 avoidant personality disorder. When
1:14 people hear avoidant, they sometimes
1:17 think about avoidant attachment or
1:19 social anxiety. But avoidant personality
1:22 disorder is neither of those. It belongs
1:24 to what's called cluster C, the anxious
1:26 and fearful cluster of personality
1:29 disorders. The most important
1:31 characteristic that avoidant
1:34 personalities lack is resilience. They
1:37 get knocked down by shame or rejection
1:40 and they stay down. Not only that, they
1:43 convince themselves that they are going
1:47 to be shamed or ridiculed. And so their
1:50 coping strategy is to avoid occasions of
1:54 this by withdrawal and isolation in
1:56 order to protect what they believe is
1:59 inevitable ridicule. To be diagnosed,
2:01 somebody has to show a persistent
2:04 pattern of social inhibition, feelings
2:07 of inadequacy, and hyper sensitivity to
2:09 criticism. In plain language, the
2:12 diagnostic criteria are as follows. They
2:15 avoid jobs or roles that involve a lot
2:17 of interpersonal contact, not because
2:19 they don't like people, but because they
2:22 are terrified of criticism. They rarely
2:24 get involved with others unless they are
2:27 certain of being liked or accepted.
2:29 Intimate relationships are often avoided
2:31 or kept shallow, not because intimacy
2:33 isn't wanted or desired, but because
2:35 they fear shame or ridicule. They are
2:39 preoccupied, sometimes constantly, with
2:41 the possibility of being criticized or
2:44 rejected. In new social situations, they
2:46 are visibly tense and inhibited,
2:48 convinced that they will come across as
2:51 inadequate or unlikable. Their view of
2:53 themselves is deeply negative. They
2:56 believe they are socially inept,
2:58 personally unappealing
3:00 and inferior and they avoid taking risks
3:02 or trying new activities because of fear
3:05 of embarrassment. This goes far beyond
3:09 shyness. The entire operating system of
3:11 an avoidant personality is built around
3:14 fear of humiliation. We can think of it
3:16 like this. When it comes to oneself, the
3:18 avoidant personality thinks I'm
3:22 inferior, unappealing, and defective.
3:24 When they think of others, they think
3:27 they are dangerous, critical, and ready
3:30 to humiliate me. They think of the world
3:32 as very scary and full of ridicule. And
3:35 so, their coping strategy is avoidance.
3:37 It's not that they don't want or desire
3:39 love, friendship, or connection. In
3:42 fact, many desperately want it. But the
3:44 fear of shame overpowers the longing for
3:46 closeness. So, they keep their world
3:50 very small. small circle of friends and
3:51 often family members that they feel very
3:55 safe with. Small risks, small goals.
3:57 They say no to opportunities, not
3:59 because they don't care, but because the
4:01 thought of public failure feels
4:03 catastrophic. Clinically and
4:05 relationally, avoidant personalities
4:09 often come off as shy, fragile, tense,
4:11 and overly sensitive. They might seem
4:13 like wall flowers or daydreamers. They
4:16 often deflect attention, rarely talk
4:18 about themselves, and are hypervigilant
4:20 to any sign of disapproval. Others may
4:23 respond with caretaking, pity, or
4:25 patience. But over time, some get
4:27 frustrated or even irritated because
4:30 avoidance seem to be constantly
4:31 retreating that eventually they stop
4:33 asking. And then tragically, the
4:35 avoidant personality uses the withdrawal
4:38 of others as proof of what they believed
4:39 all along that they are going to be
4:42 rejected or disapproved of. One of the
4:43 biggest points of confusion when
4:46 identifying an avoidant personality is
4:49 the difference between avoidant PD and
4:51 social anxiety disorder. These two
4:53 disorders can sort of look like one
4:55 another because with avoidant
4:57 personalities they have fear, avoidance
4:59 and discomfort and so do socially
5:01 anxious people. But the motivation and
5:04 the awareness are what makes these
5:06 distinct conditions. With social anxiety
5:09 disorder, the fear is about very
5:11 specific situations. Public speaking,
5:13 eating in front of others, being called
5:16 on in class are some examples. But
5:19 people with social anxiety actually know
5:21 that their fears are irrational. They
5:23 just can't switch them off. With
5:25 avoidant personality disorder, the
5:28 avoidance is global, not situational.
5:30 It's every domain of life that involves
5:33 people. And the fear is not experienced
5:36 by them as irrational. It's rationalized
5:38 and justified. The avoidant person
5:42 really believes that the world is that
5:44 cruel and rejecting of them. This is a
5:46 key point in understanding all
5:48 personality disorders. Anxiety disorders
5:51 are egoistonic. The person knows
5:53 something is wrong inside of themselves.
5:56 Personality disorders are egoonic.
5:58 The person believes that the problem
6:01 lies in the world, not in themselves.
6:03 That's why avoidant PD is so persistent.
6:06 The thinking feels like truth, not
6:08 distortion. I'd like to comment on
6:11 narcissistic personalities in this video
6:13 because narcissistic personality
6:15 disorder is one of the most talked about
6:17 disorders. I'd like to mention it in
6:19 relation to avoidant personality
6:21 disorder just to make some contrasts and
6:24 comparisons. Narcissists don't have low
6:26 self-esteem issues the way that avoidant
6:29 personalities do. Research shows that a
6:31 narcissist's self-esteem is indeed
6:33 fragile, but it's maintained through
6:36 antagonism and control of others.
6:38 Avoidance on the other hand genuinely
6:40 believe that they are unworthy. This
6:42 often gets attributed to narcissism but
6:44 that is incorrect. Avoidance do not
6:47 demand admiration. They actually assume
6:49 rejection. That's why avoidant
6:51 personalities retreat. Both are
6:53 personality disorders, but their
6:55 internal engine or operating system is
6:57 fundamentally different. Here's where I
6:59 want to challenge another misconception.
7:01 Many therapists were trained to say
7:03 avoidant personality must come from
7:06 childhood trauma, poor parenting, or
7:09 ineffective mirroring. But research,
7:11 behavioral genetics, twin studies,
7:14 neuroscience shows that's not quite
7:16 accurate. As behavioral geneticist
7:19 Robert Plowman says, what looks like a
7:21 parenting effect is often parents
7:23 responding to their children's genetic
7:26 differences. In other words, the
7:28 temperament comes first. The environment
7:30 interacts with it, but it doesn't create
7:32 it from nothing. Some avoidant
7:34 personalities had adversity, some
7:37 didn't. The common thread is a
7:40 biological vulnerability to shame,
7:42 self-doubt, and withdrawal. If you want
7:44 to capture the inner monologue of an
7:46 avoidant personality, it sounds a lot
7:49 like this. I am inadequate and I cannot
7:51 tolerate rejection. People will
7:54 criticize me, but I still desperately
7:56 want to belong. If life gets too
7:58 painful, I will just retreat into my
8:01 fantasies or solo activities. Their
8:03 thinking is colored by catastrophizing.
8:06 If I go or if I participate, I will be
8:08 humiliated beyond repair. It's also
8:10 colored by overgeneralization. If one
8:13 person rejected me, everybody will. I
8:16 usually don't make videos personal, but
8:18 here it matters. I have lived with
8:21 avoidant personality traits my entire
8:24 life. I remember begging to be
8:26 homeschooled, not because I didn't like
8:28 school, but because I was truly
8:32 convinced that every day I went to
8:35 school carried the risk of me being
8:38 humiliated in a way that I wouldn't
8:39 survive. I missed out on team activities,
8:41 activities,
8:44 relationships, friendships, and other
8:45 social opportunities because I had
8:48 already concluded the ending. Ridicule,
8:50 shame, rejection. Nothing needed to
8:53 happen. My brain and nervous system told
8:56 me it was inevitable. For years, I sat
8:57 in therapies that wanted me to revisit
9:01 my parents, my past, my teachers, my
9:03 quote unquote anxious attachment. Some
9:05 of it was interesting, but it didn't
9:08 change my life. What finally made sense
9:11 was the science that I had a temperament
9:14 wired for avoidance and that no amount
9:17 of rehashing old stories was going to
9:20 fix it. The only thing that I discovered
9:24 helped was practicing courage. Not
9:29 curing fear, practicing courage. Courage
9:32 is doing the thing while terrified. It's
9:35 going to the event while your chest is
9:37 on fire. It's writing the book even
9:39 though you know some readers are going
9:42 to hate it. It's showing up on YouTube
9:44 knowing there are going to be harsh
9:47 comments and doing it anyway. Two
9:49 fundamental shifts occurred in my life
9:52 that made this possible. Understanding
9:54 the true ideology of personality
9:57 pathology through formal education and
9:59 specializations in personality disorders
10:01 through some of the best trainers and
10:05 experts in the world. And my wife, she
10:07 is the one who encouraged me to start
10:10 sharing my work publicly. I resisted for
10:12 years because my avoidant wiring told me
10:15 that social media was a firing squad.
10:17 But my wife said, "Peter, you have
10:19 knowledge and training that people
10:21 desperately need. Don't keep it locked
10:23 away because of fear." She was right.
10:25 And I realized something very important.
10:28 If sharing the truth helps others, then
10:30 the noble thing is to do it even if it
10:34 terrifies me. Maybe especially if it
10:37 terrifies me. Courage is not about
10:39 feeling fearless. Courage is acting in
10:41 spite of fear because something larger
10:44 than fear like truth or service or
10:47 integrity matters more. That's why I
10:49 post videos like this. That's why I
10:51 write books. It isn't because the fear
10:53 is gone. Trust me. It's because I
10:55 believe helping others has to take
10:58 precedence over protecting myself from
11:00 criticism. Because avoidance are
11:02 collaborative and don't like living the
11:04 way they live their life. There is a bit
11:06 more success in treating this disorder.
11:07 But treatment doesn't mean endless
11:09 insight into the past. It means
11:12 installing the traits that are missing.
11:14 Resilience and courage. It means
11:17 exposure. It means practicing the very
11:20 behaviors your fears say are impossible.
11:23 It means tolerating imperfection.
11:25 Learning that rejection and criticism
11:27 are survivable and proving to yourself
11:29 over and over that the world is
11:32 dangerous, but it's not as dangerous as
11:34 your operating system insists it is.
11:36 Avoidant personalities do not need to
11:38 conquer fear. They need to walk with
11:42 fear and act anyway. We do not choose
11:44 our temperaments, but we do have choices
11:46 about what we practice and who we
11:49 practice being. Thank you for watching.
11:52 I'm Dr. Peter Serno. If you found this
11:53 video helpful, consider reading my
11:55 books, The Nature and Nurture of
11:58 Narcissism and Traumatic Cognitive
12:00 Dissonance, where I go deeper into the
12:02 science of personality disorders. Please
12:04 leave a respectful comment if this
12:06 resonated. Share this video with someone
12:08 who struggles with fear and withdrawal.
12:10 And if you want to keep learning, my
12:11 next video is going to be about
12:14 dependent personality disorder. Until
12:16 then, thanks for watching and I'll
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