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21 July 2025
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Hello Jonty.
>> Good morning.
>> Good morning.
Thanks for coming in buddy and
having a go at this.
>> You comfortable? >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Good.
Nice sunny day. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
last time we talked and I'll just go
through if you don't mind a
>> bit of a wrap up of what I heard and
then you could add to that or or
something. But um
>> you talked of uh Bodie, your son,
and him telling you that he probably
won't be staying with you. And
And
you talked of Trudy, your wife, and how
that split up
and affected you moving forward. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> How that was going. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> You talked of the abandonment of your
father when he left when you were 16.
>> Yeah. And I draw parallels between all
those things.
You talked of your mother and how you'd
had a chat with her
and you
said that um
she had quite a lot of trauma through that
that
times of and and of your brother.
>> Yeah. and um
>> my brother going mad
over the last few years and the family
breaking up and committing suicide.
>> So your your family broke up and he
had mental issues and he ended up ending
his life. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Very dark period in my life.
trauma for everybody.
>> What do you mean by non-parenting?
>> Well, just when my father left,
nobody said anything. My father didn't
say, "I love you, but I have to go." He
It just wasn't talked about. It just
wasn't even mentioned. I don't even know.
>> He just he just left the family and no
one talked about it.
>> No, no one talked about it.
And there was in a gun a passive
aggressive gun incident before
that, you know, he stood outside the
front of the house shooting into the pond.
pond.
a revolver and everybody was hiding in
their rooms. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> You were hiding in the room as well or
>> No, I went out there.
>> Yeah, you went in.
>> Scary. I just felt wrong. But I just I
don't know. I had to be out there. Just
probably quite supported and maybe you know
know
what was going on in his mind. I don't
know whether you know he was
I can only imagine there was some sort
of loss of control and he was trying to
get control back by being you know
showing I can do this. Um,
Um,
it probably rained
>> You were there and and that's how you
made sense of it. You did you say he
didn't feel supported.
>> My brother went mad and he couldn't
control it, you know, >> right?
>> right?
>> It was out of his control. He didn't
understand it and he thought he could
use aggression and violence to change it
and they just needed a good slap around
the ears or something.
>> Yeah. He was trying to take control.
>> He thought he thought my brother could
control what was happening to him. It
was just bad behavior rather than
>> you know something going loose in the
mind. There's very little support in
those days for any.
>> Oh yeah. So the support was
>> support was crap. you know, the whole
family support really.
>> I don't think it's that much better
today, but I think there is probably I
don't really know. >> Yeah.
>> So, we talked about a few different
people there and you just finished there
by saying that uh it was the support for
your brother you didn't feel like was
there wasn't much support there.
>> There's a little bit of support for my
brother. I mean there was places he
could go. He you know he was in the um
mental ward and
song hospital he went away for a while
to um needed to some place. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> So there was a bit of I don't know how
good that support was. Um he's just
hanging out with other needle people. I
don't know if that's great support but
>> um there's doctors and nurses there. Um
I don't know how good they were, you
know. Um
there's no support for the rest of the
family. No. >> Right.
>> Right.
>> Um anyone coming in making un someone
with an understanding of what maybe is
going on,
>> what the Yeah.
>> What's happening? >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> For the rest of us, you know,
someone talked to my father and said,
"You're feeling really angry about
this?" You know.
>> Yeah. I can see that
>> he had a place to go. Your brother had
the place to go. Even if it wasn't maybe
that great, at least he had somewhere to be.
be.
>> Whereas some support
>> the rest of your family >> floundered.
>> floundered.
>> They floundered.
>> Flounder. You know, it was a rest for us
when he went away and they thought,
well, I suppose everyone thought that
would be good.
And it was um it was a rest and a break,
but we had no real understanding
of what we've been through.
>> I really felt like I had um detach from
my emotions
and feelings became
zombie five. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> What were Can you access those emotions
now that you were attached to back then?
Yeah, I have.
>> That's why Yeah. Uh that's why the last
I've opened up my feelings and then
when you get up to the bottom of them to
these stuff comes up I suppose. And
>> so this is 35 years later
>> from my son going I
I
can't stay here with you. And it just,
you know, upset me massively.
>> And I wasn't hiding. I didn't detach
>> What was it that um
[Music]
I just said I can't I don't want to live here.
here.
>> And what was that like for you?
>> It was
probably the game. I mean, I work really
I've been
shoved out of my home
by my ex and
and um
I didn't have not have good access to my
children through her emotional
manipulation. you know, I'd have a, you
know, we're going to hang out one night
with the kids and I'd ring up, you know,
like at 3:00 or I was going to pick him
up and I'd get answers like, "Oh, no. I
don't think tonight's a good night, Dad.
>> You know, mom's upset." >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And, you know, that happened, you know,
and and I I went like with two or three
weeks without seeing them.
So you pushed out of your home and then
when you went to pick them up or see
them, they responded with this is maybe
not a good time. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> How was how was that for you on the
>> I got kicked out of the analyzing it,
you know, was um
stressful and upsetting. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. And
I always do a bit of research, you know,
why am I, you know, and
I read something or saw a podcast or
something like that that talked about
the most stressful things that can
happen to person.
person. And
And
number one was getting kicked out of the
tribe, which he paralleled that to
getting kicked out of the family home,
>> right? And that's where you were at. You
got kicked out of your family home or or
likening it to the tri separated, you
know, I've been really
>> um kicked out of the I've said to her,
you know, she's kicking she needed me to
get out of the house and I said to her,
"Don't kick me out of the family." She
And these feelings of being kicked out
of the family and kicked out of the
house, did it return
return
the stress return after your son said he
>> Oh, no. That was more me realizing that
I was the same age as him when my father left.
left.
>> Right. occurred to me and then I drew parallels
parallels
to that
>> and then it sort of cirled around to the
other times when I've been felt abandoned.
abandoned.
>> I see you using the word abandonment and
um you said last time that you've overcome
overcome abandonment.
abandonment. herself
herself
>> fully. I'm I'm working on it. I feel a
lot better. I don't feel, you know, >> um
I watched an interesting movie.
It's pretty funny. I didn't expect this,
but if we watched
um K-pop and the Demon Hunters and the
lead character identified very well as a
young woman singer,
>> K-pop singer, and she had to deal with
her own darknesses and
and um
love them and you know and
accept them
>> and you could see the benefit in loving
and accepting your own
>> D. It just then it doesn't affect you so
much. It's just
>> it's part of who you are and
>> you just you know and and you
>> you need to love those parts as much as
the good you know the
>> people the people praise you for and the
pe you know you got to love the bits
that people don't praise you for cuz you
got to put up with yourself 100% of the
time. Did you manage to find out what
that part of you was that
>> was a wounded abandoned
victim of people leaving me or kicking
me out or >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
I don't need to be a victim. I don't
want to be a victim. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> You know, it's just I'm just that's part
of me is felt,
you know. Those moments of abandonment,
uh, you know, are things I've learned to
be resilient and gain strength from,
>> you know, cuz I'm not a victim. >> Yeah.
So, you had previously had thoughts of
being a victim and and abandonment, and
you've swapped those thoughts out for
being resilient. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
Because I'm resilient.
>> You are resilient. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
Good things are going to happen to me.
That's my mantra.
Because of these things, I'm I've
learned to gain strength
and not, you know, and not
detach myself from my feelings. It's
>> It's okay to feel bad but not wallow. I
>> think so. I think that's
>> I'm still figuring it out.
>> How do you notice that you're wallowing?
>> You constantly can't. You just think
about it. Constant runs through your
mind that you know I had a really bad
rough couple of months. work's been
really bad
>> and there's a lot of belittling and
you're not good enough. You know this
and you know
you it gets you and eventually you I'm
not good enough and that's part of the
abandon. It's the parallel is
you get abandoned because you're not
good enough.
And um
for that wound is in, you know, I need
to overcome that wound and say
you you may not think I'm good enough or
I'm just protecting my father left not
because I wasn't good enough because he
had to get out before he did something
really stupid.
>> It was his thing, not mine. Nothing to
do with me. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> It's probably the same thing at work.
They just didn't feel good enough about
themselves to make this job successful.
So, they're just throwing their blame on
me cuz they don't want to take the blame.
blame.
>> So, you're noticing that at work the
>> they're saying to you that
>> possibly you're not good enough.
>> They throw around blame at work. They don't
don't
>> they don't become solution driven. They
they want to it's whose fault is what
there's a mistake made. Whose fault is
it? It's not
Oh, this thing hasn't worked out. Let's
fix it. I mean, someone you did it, so
don't do that again. You know, there's a
there's a real you can't admit
to being not perfect at work in that
>> the culture of that workplace.
>> And you've understood it that they may
be projecting onto you the inadequacies
of how the job's going for them and
they're just finding fault or
responsibility in in someone else
instead of themselves.
>> Yeah. instead of looking at themselves
and saying have I been running this job
very well?
>> Have I been communicating what I want
very well
>> and you know there's very confusing
instructions been given
>> and people start floundering and then
they become unproductive.
>> Yeah. So you haven't managed to take on
all the blame that they've been offering
it up to you. I did for a bit
>> in my lowest moments, you know.
>> But you've you've used your own
understanding. Is that right? To
>> to be able to take your own power back
instead of
>> Yeah. When I'm about to step back, you
know, I I practice yoga and
>> meditation. It's hard to meditate when
that sort of things out, but the yoga is
good because it just can stop your mind
for a bit and then you can sort of detach.
detach.
You can detach from that those thoughts
for a bit and look at it from the outside
outside
>> and you see it as bigger picture.
>> You can get a more objective look at the whole
whole
>> an objective look at the whole
everything that's going on. You sort of
oh this you know >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
Yeah. You're not and then you can see it
for what it is. So you're not, you know,
>> I'm interested.
>> You have some blame for,
>> you know,
you have some,
>> you know, some of that. You're not perfect.
perfect. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Some of the fault is yours. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And but everyone's pushing their fault,
you know, all all the faults cuz you can
because I can admit that I am fallible. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Um they just want to put all the
fallibility on me. M
>> so you've you've not you've
allowed them uh
to know that you you feel in yourself
that you're fallible
and um and so when things aren't going
right they've directed it to you because
you put your hand up for that
>> I think yeah there's there's a easy fall
guy right there
>> and And then how have you seen that's
that's enough? Actually, I I was
wondering where that point is where you
have a boundary to
to firstly notice that oh hang on that's
>> Well, I know it's not all mine, but
they're projecting. They're just
pushing. you know this there's anger and
you know it's quite violent
>> you know and uncontrolled behavior it
gets thrown at you so you wear some of
it you know you get involved really
trying to involve you
>> in their anger and it's you know when
it's two or three times a week
>> a lot of anger projected to Yeah. Two or
three times a week. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
Any you've made, you know,
you've made small error and you know,
it's just like, you know,
>> or this there's instructions being
given, confusing instructions being
given and you try to do the right thing,
you know, and you you're not, you know,
that you got to make a call and you feel
like it doesn't matter which way you go,
it's going to be wrong.
Oh, that's yeah
>> difficult to have those two options and both
both
>> not good. Both options are going to be wrong.
wrong.
>> Well, you feel like, you know, you
>> you feel it doesn't matter which one you make,
make,
>> it's going to be wrong. They don't want
you to ring them because, you know,
you're just being annoying.
>> Make a [ __ ] decision and you know,
>> very toxic. Very toxic. It became
>> very toxic. The workplace came from like
there was like 14 of us down to like
three of us
and so we whittleled down
>> 14 to three.
>> Yeah. The business wasn't going well.
>> And how does Jonty stand in his power
when there's all that toxicity?
You called it toxic. How do you how do you
you
>> I wasn't
>> you walk
>> I got I got I got brought down you know
fell the mighty oak >> me
>> me
you know they yeah they really brought
me down
>> and so those feelings of being a victim
and abandonment were
>> were just not good I wasn't good enough
>> not good enough
>> that was the you know that was that's
what I noticed running through my head
not good
you know, and then my my son also um
um
didn't want to live with me. So, you
know, weren't organized enough or good
enough to um provide a proper housing and
and
>> Yeah. and be there enough because I'm at work.
work. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> So, your environment, you've got a
workplace environment which you told not
You're not feeling good enough. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> To do that. And then your home life, you
have your child not wanting to stay over
here. So, you don't feel good enough that
that
>> but I'm interested in this turnar around.
around.
>> Like we can carry on this path of that's
where we're at.
>> Yeah. That's in the past.
>> Yeah. It's all in the past.
>> Well, well, we're talking about it anyway.
anyway.
>> You came a very long way to say I am resilient.
resilient.
Because thing good things
>> because I am resilient. Not as Because I
>> Because I'm resilient good things happen
to me. >> Yeah.
>> I am resilient.
How does the phoenix rise from the flames?
flames?
>> I I don't like the I am statement. It's
too hard. I like I like a softer
statement because I am resilient.
I have good things happen to me.
>> Good things are are coming to me. I I I
I I'm strong because I'm strong and resilient.
My life is good.
will head my way because my life is good
and it always has been good.
Um just these lumps in it. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And the lumps are challenges
that give me opportunities become
stronger and more resilient
>> and more empathizing for other people.
>> More empathizing for other people.
>> Statement I want to be. What's that?
>> What's the more empathizing for other
people? Well, well, people who other
people who have um had difficulties and
have fallen into um self-lame,
>> you know, I I I can understand where
they're coming from. What advice or what,
what,
like you're saying, it's okay to feel
bad, but
it's probably not beneficial for you to
to wallow. If you were talking to
how what would you suggest for them in
that position?
>> I suppose I'd be going using my own what
was helping me is that you know this is
a challenge.
>> It's not a it's not you. It's a challenge.
challenge.
>> Don't identify with it so much.
>> How do you how do you not identify?
>> How do you distance yourself? Well, just
the statement of looking at it like
that, I think it's enough because it's
just like, oh, I'm what am I identifying
with that?
>> Yeah, that's what you're doing. And I
think suddenly you understand that why
am I identifying with that? It doesn't
it come from other you know just
pointing out that it comes some a lot of
that stuff comes from other people in
their own
>> you know they're throwing stuff at you
>> and you're wearing it and catching it and
and
giving it to yourself
>> maybe you're not maybe you're you're
actually a good person you know you are
the bad you you know you don't do bad
things to other people
>> so when people are throwing things at somebody
you are you saying it's important to be
able to see it for what it is and
whether you identify with it or not
instead of just wearing it.
>> Yeah, I think I Yeah, I would say that
you know that's Yeah, you got to see
what where they're coming from,
They're
not disappointed in you. They're
disappointed in themselves.
>> right? And so
>> they're picking at you to make them feel better.
better.
>> They don't want to, you know, face their own.
own.
>> So is that is that the boundary being
able to identify that the person talking
to you with their
what they're saying? I think the a
better thing would be do is to you know
stand up for yourself at that point and
go actually
you know
I don't know I haven't quite experienced
this yet but yes
>> we can work through it you know
>> say say the right thing at the right
time to that person and going you're
>> you know this
behavior you're throwing at me
is not professional it's
it's productive.
productive.
It's, you know, it might be fine if, you
know, a bear is attacking you,
>> but it's not fine here. It's not, you
know, it's not, it's not okay behavior. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> So, maybe you need to calm down and talk
to me. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. So, maybe that's, you know,
>> that's a good that's a good boundary.
That's that's you know cuz um
>> this is not professional
>> I yeah
>> this is yeah
>> few years ago only two years ago someone
said you give boundaries and I was like
what's a boundary so I just you know
>> this is a new thing for me just let
people do whatever they like to me and I
just rode with it
>> but but now in the workplace you've just
said that uh you could say this This is
not professional. This is not um going
to help us. Is that right?
>> You're just losing the [ __ ] at me and
you're you know this is not Yeah.
Cuz you know this Yeah. things are stressful.
stressful.
I get that. But, you know, this is not
it's helping your stress because you're
just, you know, you're blowing off a valve
valve
>> and throwing it at me.
>> I don't accept that.
>> So, you're noticing boundaries in
yourself, like how to be treated. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Is that right?
>> Yeah, I suppose so. Yeah.
>> Is that tied in with protecting yourself?
Because the all that toxicity if you
allowed it in
then you'd have maybe have those
feelings of being a victim and abandoned
and you're trying to protect that child
and so you you've got to stand up. Is
that how it works for you? Do you have
to put those boundaries in place to
protect the things that are
your soft underbelly? Yeah, I suppose
so. Yeah, that's a really Yeah, good way
of putting it. I think
the strength of gain through these
things is
>> I can protect the soft parts of me which
I want to cuz
I like the soft parts of me. I don't
want to just, you know, I think they're
very valuable and powerful. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Um
>> Um and
and
So the strong the strength in you
because I am resilient
good things are coming my way and
heading my way.
>> Well now because I am reserved life is good.
good.
>> Life is good.
>> I like that statement better. It's developing.
developing.
>> Your statement is because I am resilient
life is good
>> and it always has been good and continue
to be good.
>> Is there a thought in there?
>> Sometimes I just need to be a bit more grateful.
grateful.
>> Grateful is good.
>> I just uh I'm just tying this in
because I am resilient. Life is good.
Is it true that life is good if you
protect it
from toxicity? >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
resilient?
>> Yeah. Yep. That's a type that's a a tool
of resilience, isn't it?
protection.
>> Yeah. Protecting the soft >> feminine.
>> feminine. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Without getting angry and violent. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Not saying I'm bigger and stronger than
you. I can cut you down. It's just a
a
Yeah. Protection.
I was thinking also of the feeling bad
and not wallowing.
we we were just talked there of our
essence of male and female
that
comes to the person who may be
wallowing. And I was thinking that is it
the feminine in us that nurtures
the parts of our soft parts that seem to
or the masculine parts those parts that
may have those thoughts that aren't
positive to us. Does the feminine come
and nurture that? You know, you talked
about watching that movie and you
thought if I have acceptance for it
>> to develop that feminine
feminine
and look after those parts. That's the
understanding, isn't it?
>> It has. Yeah. It's a more feminine. Soft
is feminine, isn't it? and
protection and strength is more masculine
masculine >> qualities
>> qualities
um sort of divided up like that I mean
is that it's a useful tool for us to understand
understand
um how to develop our lives and make
them better it's good you know um
I think especially for guys understand
understanding that the softer part of us
is a feminine part of us and that's okay.
>> And
the um especially getting over
the top the negative sides of
and and trying to understand positive masculinity
is a big question in society today and
there's a big question with in
individuals and like myself.
>> What do you consider positive masculinity?
>> Strength to stand up for your
boundaries. It's a good one, isn't it?
>> Is that tie in with resilience?
I don't know if resilience is a
masculine or
you know
a masculine trait. Maybe it is.
Not sure.
>> Definitely strength though. The
>> strength I would say is masculine
quality. Doesn't mean a female can't
have it obviously can bring out her
masculine side isn't it? You know.
>> Yeah. We get can easily get misconstrued
that you know that when we talk about
these things that oh masculine strength
is a masculine quality and the woman
can't have it where actually a woman can
show her masculine side if you let's not
limit her to >> um
>> um
and let's not limited men to their
nurturing side you know
>> it's the same thing isn't
And you all need to be, you know, have
somewhat in touch with, you know, these things.
things.
And, you know, there's a there's a
negative side to feminine
feminine
>> And we have these mascul toxic
masculinities running the world, you
know, I believe in a lot of ways.
>> But what's what's go wrong. You know,
there's plenty of good things happening
in the world, too, isn't there? So, you
know, it's not running the world. So,
but what's going wrong is is run by
The thought that you had of not feeling
What
in terms of masculine and feminine, how
could we um
um
how would you help someone or what would
you say to them in regards to the
feminine and the masculine with that
with that thought in mind?
>> They're not feeling good enough. Um,
yeah. Well, I suppose when you think
about it, it's the masculine protecting.
If you're not feeling, you know, that
thought of not feeling good enough is
your softer side.
Um, being beaten up on, which you'd say
it was your feminine side, wouldn't you?
So, bringing out your masculine side to protect,
>> you know,
and analyzing, you know, because that's
a masculine trait, isn't it? Anal
analyzing, cutting things up to
understand them. >> Um,
>> Um,
instead of just feeling it, you just
when you're saying you're not good
enough, you're just in your feelings.
So, using your masculine side to have a
look at the situation and seeing people,
why are they why are they doing that?
Oh, it's it's not about you. It's about
them. And then so they're trying to tell
you you're not good enough. So they
don't feel so they they they're keeping
their soft side,
you know, cuz they don't want to be
feeling like they're not good enough.
>> And so you can go, well, actually, yeah,
my male that male side of me can protect.
protect.
It's it's not you. It's not your thing.
It's that soft part of you is
okay. It's good. M
>> it is you know
and and
once if you can make that I feel if you
can make that
that soft part of you strong
which I know seems to be a bit of a
dichomy there but um that's where where
where your true strength can come from
>> There's a hope. There's hope.
>> So if you have a thought of not feeling
good enough, which could come from
somebody saying you are not good enough,
>> but in order to um
um
acknowledge those feelings like you said
that you it's healthy to do acknowledge
the feelings in you. You could have your
masculine side
um stand up and be a man if you'd like
and protect that softer side that you
do. You said you you like that side of you
you
>> and you could protect it and you could also
also
there's this masculine way of seeking
understanding and asking why.
And um you could look at a broader
picture and see that they're just
protecting their soft side as well
>> and that feminine side could come in and
and and be the nurturer. And you saw a
great benefit in having both the male
and the feminine sides
acting as one or having them both strong
playing their part.
Yeah. To make us fully human.
>> Yeah. And when these things happen, it's
you know it's make us understand become
more fully human.
>> We can go through these journeys of difficulty
difficulty
and challenges.
we can become more human
>> challenges. So the person telling you
you're not good enough, they're
challenging your masculine and and
showing you the feminine what you're
>> It's a challenge. It's a challenge to illuminate
uh your weaknesses.
>> You know, there's of exposing
your weaknesses
>> does that
>> and you're going to have to look at them.
them. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
So exposes your weaknesses
>> when you're a healthy when you're
looking at it in a health and you you
want to evolve into a better person. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> If you're just
in the fight, you know, you can just say
I'm not you know you're full of [ __ ]
What happens to the person that says
you're full of [ __ ] and moves on?
>> I don't know. Maybe they're fine
>> or maybe they're just, you know, just
ignoring, you know. I don't know.
I don't know. I'm not that person. I
don't know. Yeah.
>> What person are you?
>> I'm the um the softer person. I'm the
soft person.
What do you need to be to acknowledge
that soft person?
>> I need to protect that soft person. Um,
>> and how's that done?
>> True. Bringing out that protection masculine.
masculine.
>> Yeah. And when you go to the gym,
you pump weights and you get the
pressure on and go, go, go. So when more
is loaded in, you become stronger.
Yeah. Yeah. With the Yeah. I get you get
Yeah. So the more challenges you have,
the heavier weights if you know you pick up.
up. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Do you think you could start
your working week and your time by
lifting the weight that others are
putting on you and and standing in your
masculine energy and and that resilience
that you were talking about? Could that be
being resilient in your boundaries to
what toxicity that they're offering up?
You have you can't keep putting up with
that sort of toxicity. You got to get
the [ __ ] out of there really. You can't
just, you know, if you're battling that
all week, it's it's going to, you know,
it's exhausting.
>> Why are you putting up with it? It's
just, you know, move on, you know.
>> And that's that's part of boundary
seeking, too, isn't it?
>> It is boundary. I've had enough of your
crap. I'm moving on. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> I go find something better.
>> And maybe now I've learned this lesson,
I will go find something better.
>> And hopefully that's how it works.
I've yet to find out. Maybe I'll find
other challenges, bigger challenges,
bigger weights.
But, you know, if I do, I'll just maybe,
you know, I
Yeah, I'd like a rest, you know, maybe
the bigger challenges come just let me
have a, you know, >> Yeah.
And I can get my personal aspects of my
life in order.
M like getting
um proper separation from my ex.
>> Yeah. And a proper home, you know, a
stable home life. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> I'd have to shift every goddamn
six months.
>> So, you're looking at structure.
>> I feel like I need more of a foundation.
Is it a time of building rather than
getting torn down?
>> I think so. I think I've gotten I've got
pulled down to my bits. I don't think I
didn't have room. I don't really have
anything left. I don't have a vehicle. I
don't have a home. I don't have a family.
family.
Just got me.
>> You have a van?
>> No. Well, I have a van.
>> You have a Yeah, it's a vehicle. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
You have a family. That's your two boys
that you talk to.
>> What's the oldest one's name? >> Right.
>> Right.
>> Where does he live?
>> He lives in Wellington.
>> Right. And would he would you be able to
get to see him at some stage?
>> I see him very rarely. I mean, he goes
when he comes here, he stays with his mother.
mother.
>> Do you talk to
>> child at home?
>> Um, then he does come and see me, but
you know, I don't think his mother him
much anyway cuz he's in and out anyway.
So I don't think there's any real you
know he's living his life. He's you know
he rang me yesterday.
>> That's good.
>> He's family.
>> Yeah. No, I do I do have family. I just
I don't have them in my life.
>> I certainly do have family. My children
want to see me
>> regarding the dad. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> So there is that. Yeah. I just don't
have them in a as a daily contact.
>> No, but you did think of there was a
word I wrote down here and that and you
were looking to feel grateful and when
you say I don't have family then
you do.
>> I do. Yeah, I do have family. I do have
>> You can feel more grateful perhaps if
you acknowledge that they are
>> Yeah. Well, I could frame that a bit
better. That's true. Um um uh I do I do
you know when I say that I'm saying in
my daily life you know well if they're
in your heart then they're a part of
hold them in yourself.
>> Yeah. But you know that's it's
different to cooking dinner and looking
after them when you're sick. You know,
you know
>> that's the thing about life. Like how
old's your eldest?
>> He's 20.
>> Yeah, that's healthy that you've
>> that he's in Wellington and
>> that he's got on with his life.
>> He's really fant I can and I am grateful
for that.
>> And that's good parenting, too.
>> Yeah, that is great parenting
>> that gets gets a child into a man to
take on the world.
>> Yeah. and and the younger one, he's 16,
We've talked a lot uh today, Jonty, and
I'm very thankful that you've opened up
like this. And we've discussed many
things about uh
how you've had thoughts of not feeling
good enough and feeling like a victim
and and that feeling of abandonment and
how that you've managed to turn the
thought into because I'm resilient, life
is good and good things are coming. >> No,
>> No,
>> which we keep working on and I keep
we've gotten to a better one, you know.
>> Yeah. my life because I'm resilient and strong.
strong. >> Yeah,
>> Yeah,
>> my life is good and will continue to be good.
>> I'm going to say it and it might be
right this time.
>> Glad I'm following you up on it.
>> Well, it keeps changing to be honest.
>> Well, I know it has has morphed. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> That's like our lives. We just keep work
chipping away and working.
>> We're improving. Yeah,
>> that's right.
>> Because I am resilient and strong,
my life is good and good things continue
to head my way. >> Yeah,
>> you could even write something about
being grateful cuz you said that that
was important to you to incorporate into
your life. But we can work on that. Uh,
we talked
in terms of the masculine and feminine,
which is interesting. The time
>> I didn't think you brought that up. I
didn't think counselors are into that.
>> I don't know if I'm supposed to or what,
but uh >> yeah,
>> yeah,
>> I was just thinking of the
you you talked in terms of allowing
the feelings to be and and having
acceptance for them. And
And
I was thinking what energy sits
with another energy no matter what and
and holds it. What is that holding? And
I went to nurturing.
>> And the nurturing is very tied in with
the feminine. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
And then I was looking at how do you
protect that
to in order to make have it heal and be acknowledged
acknowledged
and if you're in a toxic environment at
work or with your partner, how do you protect?
protect?
Did that make a bit of sense to
>> bring in a masculine
>> bring in a masculine
>> masculine ideal idea or energy?
>> Yeah. Know it does it does make some
sense, doesn't it?
>> And that's how we operate in this world.
We operate in a duality system.
>> Yeah. We also talked uh in terms of
feeling bad
or and but not wallowing in it and that
there was a
maybe next time we go through a bit of
more how we define
where that is. But at the moment uh we
talked in terms of the
the
stimulus that brings us to that feeling
of bad or wallowing is like a challenge and
and
uh being able to look at it objectively
or outside ourselves and not impregnate
it into our identity
>> was important.
So in that deciphering between
this is what's being thrown at me, this
is what I'm taking on.
>> And I think in that um
that detachment between having it as
part of you and it being its own thing,
this toxicity,
>> then you have the boundary that you can protect
protect
and allow that softer side that you love
to be held
>> not get wounded by these
>> shards of glass
>> because I can see that
as a cycle.
You don't protect yourself. You become a
victim and wounded and abandoned. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. I didn't understand I could have
boundaries. It probably came from that
time when my brother get ill and that's
>> yeah things just got thrown at me and
>> unaccept you know unacceptable things and
and
no one taught me to go that's not acceptable
acceptable
accept it
>> just ro with it which is what you do
when you're
>> how do you feel about that young
he went through a very difficult time.
>> What would you give him?
>> Well, I give him
give him a hug and tell him be all
right. He'll make it out in the end. Um,
Um,
>> do you think he lives within you now and
you could tell him it's going to be all right?
right?
>> Yeah, I am. >> Good.
It's going to be all right.
>> Thank you, Jordy.
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