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Six behaviors to increase your confidence | Emily Jaenson | TEDxReno
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Transcriber: Glenny Lapaix Reviewer: Vivian Lim
When I was in high school,
my mom asked me to order a pizza for the family on a Friday night.
I looked up the number in the phone book
and promptly handed the phone to my older brother to place the call.
I was too shy to talk to a stranger.
Fast-forward to college at the University of Illinois,
my first time away from my small town.
I spent the first several weeks crying in my dorm room,
too homesick to partake in early freshman partying.
The one frat party I did attend was so disappointing;
I wanted to trade in my books, abandon my major
and head back home to my small town.
The confident behaviors I needed to pursue this dream
were not yet available.
And when I looked around at the confident students
walking around me on campus,
heads held high, pursuing a dream that they had set out to achieve,
I wanted that kind of confidence too.
But my behaviors did not align with these confident attitudes.
Crying in my dorm room, shying away from social engagement,
not showing up for class
because I was worried others were smarter than me -
these were not going to lead me to achieve my goal.
So all I knew was that I needed to change.
Research tells us that in order to get people to change,
you need to not start with the attitudes,
but with the behaviors associated with those attitudes.
When people can see themselves behaving differently,
they then begin to act differently.
So the questions for me were,
“Who am I?”
“Who do I want to become?”
and “How does this person I want to become behave?”
The answers were that I wanted a successful career,
one that meant something, allowed me to contribute.
And for me, that was defined as a career as a sports executive.
In order to achieve this goal, I needed to begin to act more confidently.
And I did.
Because 13 years later, I became the first female general manager
of a Triple-A baseball team in nearly 20 years.
(Cheers)
Thank you.
(Applause)
I also went on to host the “Leadership is Female” podcast,
where I’ve interviewed over 90 female executives in sports,
an industry that’s over 80% male at management level and above.
And time after time, these women have told me
that the number one skill they’ve improved
in order to earn their spot at the top of the sports industry
is confidence.
They, like me, did not possess this confidence necessary
to increase their level in their career from the get-go.
They had to work on the behaviors associated with this attitude
in order to propel their career forward.
So I’m here today to share with you
six behaviors you can start today to increase your confidence.
Why is it important to increase our confidence?
Well, think of this:
How would you behave or what could you achieve
if you were 10 times more confident?
Number one, count yourself in.
I spoke with a woman about her first time doing sideline reporting
at a nationally televised basketball game.
She was shaking in her heels, standing courtside,
nerves overtaking her until she heard something familiar in her headset.
“We’ll be on in five, and three, two, one, you’re live.”
And she performed with excellence.
The nerves melted away.
She’s an athlete, a former basketball player used to performing on the court
by the clock.
And the tactic remained true.
Counting will get you started, and momentum will keep you going.
I have used this technique.
I’ve had more uncomfortable conversations than I care to recall,
but one I’ll share with you today.
I vividly remember standing on the warning track of the baseball field
45 minutes before game time,
looking at the opposing manager and his team wearing
the wrong color uniform.
I wanted to turn and run back up to my office and hide.
But instead, faced him head-on,
and I said in my mind, “Three, two, one, go.”
And I started walking towards him.
And when I arrived, we had a very uncomfortable conversation
about his team wearing the wrong color uniform.
Yes, I had to ask these grown men to change their clothes.
It was so awkward.
But when I asked myself, “Who am I? And how do I behave?”
The answer was that I’m a person who’s not too shy to stand up
for what I believe, what is right and stand up to conflict.
Counting got me started, and momentum kept me going.
Number two, what if you only had to be brave for a total of 20 seconds?
Give yourself 20 seconds of courage.
This behavior helped me enormously
when I published my podcast “Leadership is Female,”
bold title and all,
for all the world to see, hear, critique and have their opinions.
I vividly remember sitting on the carpet of my closet floor,
holding my computer, looking at the “Upload” button,
thinking to myself,
“Does it need any more edits? Should I listen to it one more time?”
And I told myself, “Emily, give yourself 20 seconds of courage.”
And I hit “Publish,” and it was done.
And guess what?
I kept breathing, and the world kept turning.
And the podcast grew into what it was meant to be.
All because of 20 seconds of courage.
Number three, take a seat at the table.
Not metaphorically speaking;
actually, take a seat at the table.
I spoke with a woman who represents some of the biggest names in baseball,
and she told me a story about taking a seat at the table.
She noticed women waiting around the edges of the room,
waiting for the seats to be filled.
And worse yet, she was doing it too.
In order to become the more confident woman that she envisioned herself to be,
she needed to go in, sit down, speak her mind and get the deal done.
That started with one simple action:
Taking a seat at the table.
Number four, cheer for other people’s success.
They say that women will pull up the ladder behind them.
What if you didn’t?
What if you extended a hand back to lead her forward?
What if you celebrated the success of a colleague
rather than feeling sorry for yourself that it was not you
accepting the accolades?
Confident people celebrate the success of others rather than feeling threatened.
Think of this great quote from Amy Poehler:
“Good for her,
not for me.”
It turns that pit in your stomach of “Oh, she did that? And I’m still here.”
into “Yes! Good for her! Not for me.”
This is her celebration, not mine.
And when my time comes,
isn’t it going to be great to have the support of so many people around me?
Wins are so much better celebrated together.
Join in; cheer someone else on.
Here’s number four in action:
Recently, a woman was promoted to chief marketing officer
of a major sports league.
The offer to interview and ultimately land the job
came after her public celebration and sincere congratulatory outreach
to the newly named female league president.
Confident people support those around them.
Cheer for someone else’s success.
Number five, bolster your confidence for a new activity
through your already great performance in another.
What are you really good at?
What is easier today than it was one year ago?
What is your most proud accomplishment?
Answer those questions. Think about those answers.
Those answers are where your confidence is born.
Confidence is born in all we’ve already done
and already achieved.
Recently, a woman I interviewed on the “Leadership is Female” podcast
was going after a big, big promotion at a top team.
Before she went in to pitch to her boss,
she reviewed her current job description,
made notes of her accolades in all areas mentioned,
and then was prepared with examples and the confidence
of the success she had in the past.
She got the promotion.
Use your prior success to propel yourself forward.
And number six, celebrate constantly.
How often do we reach our goals and then just immediately move on?
When we do this, the recollection of that success is diminished.
How can we confidently move forward if we can’t remember what we achieved,
or worse yet,
link that accomplishment to stress?
Find ways to celebrate that are meaningful to you,
like creating a highlight reel on your cell phone
of your most proud accomplishments.
Take your team out for celebratory drinks when you close the big deal.
Buy yourself a massage or maybe order a pizza
when you reach your personal goals.
It doesn’t matter how you celebrate; it matters that you do.
This will create a marker in your brain to rewire and reinforce the behaviors
that led to success in the first place.
I’ve come a long way from the girl who couldn’t order a pizza
to the woman who became GM of a minor league baseball team,
started a podcast and delivered a TEDx talk.
All because I made the decision to become a more confident person.
And I hope you do too.
Because how many runs could you score if you were 10 times more confident?
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheers)
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