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How To Get A Dismissive Avoidant To Meet *Your* Needs | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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hi my name is ty gibson and i'm the
co-owner and creator of the personal
development school
this is your daily breakthrough video
and in this video i'm going to talk to
you a little bit about how to get a
dismissive avoidant attachment style
inspired to meet your needs but in a healthy
healthy
non-manipulative way [Music]
[Music]
so we will dive into this video we'll
talk a little bit about that some
different tips and tools you can use
um and really i want to look at this is
not like how can you manipulate somebody
to do what you want
um because i really don't believe in
that just personally what i believe in
is how can we get clear and learn to communicate
communicate
in a way that is well received by
another person
so that if the person is as invested in
the relationship as we are
then they're going to naturally want
with all the tools and the clarity and
the awareness they have
to take action to support you the way
that you're supporting them and this is
the goal here okay
so um point number one
um dismissive avoidance often don't meet
needs of other people
because they are not a hundred percent
clear about what's expected
um and they don't have like the picture
painted so they'll hear things like oh
you want more
love or support but that might be you
know for them
meaning acts of service and for you
meaning physical affection
and that can create this sort of like
confusion for a da and when they feel
confused they tend to shut
down another reason they'll pull back
from meeting needs is they get afraid
that there will be lots of pressure and
expectation as soon as they do it once
or twice they're like oh
i've done this once or twice i'm
starting to meet your needs and now
you're going to expect this of me every
single time and there's going to be this pressure
pressure
so knowing that those are two major
reasons why this doesn't happen
um what we can do is we can work on
being clear
right so that there is no you know
painting a picture of what our needs
look like so there's no room to get
confused so there's no shutdown reaction
as a byproduct
and what we can also do is let somebody
know hey i would really appreciate if
you do this
you don't have to be perfect at it i
don't expect this of you
100 of the time you know this doesn't
come with some kind of expectation
when i need this again in the future
whatever the need might be
i will show up and communicate that to
you then i will let you know
and the reason we do this is it it deals
with the da
potential objections so far in advance
that then if the person is left there
with the care and without their fears or
their own wounds coming up they
naturally will want to take action
so those are two really big things to
get out of the way first
another really big piece is you want to
remember with a da
they usually have this subconscious
mindset that's like everybody's out for
themselves because they've often had to
fend for themselves and that's like
their operating
worldview perspective so what you have
to do if you're in a relationship with them
them
is practice communicating consistently
like seeing your needs through when you
need something
don't expect anybody to mind read make
sure that you communicate and you are consistent
consistent
and over time they'll just come to know
your needs but it takes that consistent
communication to take place first
now once these things have happened the
next really important thing that you can
do is
show a lot of appreciation and acknowledgement
acknowledgement
da's if they feel like they are not
being appreciated or acknowledged and
especially if they feel criticized they
will shut down and say well why am i
going to bother
you know you're hurting me i don't want
to do something for you when you hurt me
and they tend to withdraw and pull back
the exact opposite is if they feel
acknowledged and appreciated and i don't
mean an
excess not in a grandiose way they're
not looking for like
their feet to be kissed they're
literally just looking for
hey thank you so much i really
appreciate that hey i noticed you did
that thing that meant a lot to me thank you
you
they're just looking for like some kind
of commentary they're just looking for
some kind of like hey i see that you did this
this
and you're trying the more you get that
the more you positively reinforce
and it's not just on like that they need
appreciation and acknowledgement at a
subtle level
type thing it's also that you're giving
them direction
to say hey you are doing this right
because a lot of da's
feel really disempowered about how to
meet somebody else's needs and they
often haven't had a lot of modeling for
like relationship exchanges where one caregiver
caregiver
or you know or both parents together you
know are like
really giving and receiving in in an
emotional or vulnerable way with another
person so
they like to hear okay i'm doing it
right like giving that appreciation and
acknowledgement is validating for them
because sometimes they feel confused
um another thing is make them feel
important and like needed so if you are
letting them know hey i really need your
help with this because
you know you're really great at helping
me with this thing or
you're the one person that i know helps
the best with this thing and don't like
make things up if they're not true
just if there's certain things that are
like really select or important about
that specific person
maybe somebody who always helps you um
with your computer maybe it's somebody
that always helps you
um with organizing stuff like whatever
it might be if they're that one person
that does that really well
let them know um da's do like to feel
they get a sense of significance from
feeling needed but in
short subtle forms not in a more
pervasive way like an fa or an aaa
um so that is very important as well and
fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied
for anybody who doesn't know what i'm
talking about
um another thing um is is consistently
see your needs through so that there's
sort of this slow build up over time
don't drop all your needs on the table
at once because the da will get overwhelmed
overwhelmed
do one need at a time maybe once per
week then do another one and then
another one and this can be like in your
relationship to a parent in a
relationship to a caregiver
i guess that's still probably a parent
figure um but it can also be in the
relationship to like a friend
a family member in general a romantic
partner like it doesn't really matter
who this relationship is
all these same principles still apply um
and then the other things that you want
to do
is you also want to be available to meet
their needs um again in a way that takes
yourself into consideration that creates
like sort of a nice
fair exchange between the both of you um
so that it's not too out of balance at
any point it doesn't have to be like
50 50 100 of the time you know there
will be ebbs and flows of relationships
and that's healthy
um but just making sure that there's you
know this harmony in terms of the giving
and receiving so that that cycle can
kind of flow there together
um and let the da know that it's healthy
to ask for their needs to be met that
it's healthy to open up that it's safe
to communicate
that these are really good parts of
relationships so that they see that this
exchange is possible
um and that's about it in terms of some
really important ways of inspiring
da's to meet your needs i know other
people um may talk sometimes about how
the way to do it is to to trick them
into doing this or trick them into doing
that i really don't
believe in that like as soon as we
disrespect somebody else's like
sovereignty as a human being we run into
a lot of different troubles later on in
long term and so
it's really important that we learn to
inspire people to meet our
needs by being clear about what our
needs are
by knowing that we can open up about our
needs in general and then
doing the work to do this stuff and if
you want to do a much deeper dive into
all of this
the best courses for this by far are so in-depth
in-depth
um discover embrace and fulfill your
personal needs we'll tell you all about
your needs in a relationship the ways in
which you give and receive love the ways
in which other people give and receive love
love
help you learn other people's needs in a
relationship and then the advanced needs
course then takes that and helps you
communicate effectively
helps you advocate for your needs see
them through learn what fears you have
around expressing them and reprogram
those fears
and then it also helps you a step
further um to really learn to receive
because some people can get really good
at all the other steps but have
receiving blocks and helps you to
reprogram those as well
so those are really powerful courses to
do a deep dive into
i really appreciate you guys being here
let me know any feedback or comments you have
have
obviously in the comments section below
i would also love to hear about what
your biggest needs are in a relationship
um and um if you're getting a lot of
value to this channel
please like share and subscribe thank
you for being here and for watching and
i will see you
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