0:02 hi my name is ty gibson and i'm the
0:04 co-owner and creator of the personal
0:06 development school
0:07 this is your daily breakthrough video
0:09 and in this video i'm going to talk to
0:11 you a little bit about how to get a
0:13 dismissive avoidant attachment style
0:16 inspired to meet your needs but in a healthy
0:17 healthy
0:19 non-manipulative way [Music]
0:25 [Music]
0:27 so we will dive into this video we'll
0:28 talk a little bit about that some
0:30 different tips and tools you can use
0:32 um and really i want to look at this is
0:34 not like how can you manipulate somebody
0:35 to do what you want
0:37 um because i really don't believe in
0:39 that just personally what i believe in
0:41 is how can we get clear and learn to communicate
0:42 communicate
0:44 in a way that is well received by
0:45 another person
0:47 so that if the person is as invested in
0:49 the relationship as we are
0:50 then they're going to naturally want
0:52 with all the tools and the clarity and
0:53 the awareness they have
0:55 to take action to support you the way
0:57 that you're supporting them and this is
0:58 the goal here okay
1:01 so um point number one
1:03 um dismissive avoidance often don't meet
1:05 needs of other people
1:07 because they are not a hundred percent
1:09 clear about what's expected
1:11 um and they don't have like the picture
1:12 painted so they'll hear things like oh
1:13 you want more
1:16 love or support but that might be you
1:17 know for them
1:18 meaning acts of service and for you
1:21 meaning physical affection
1:23 and that can create this sort of like
1:24 confusion for a da and when they feel
1:26 confused they tend to shut
1:28 down another reason they'll pull back
1:29 from meeting needs is they get afraid
1:31 that there will be lots of pressure and
1:32 expectation as soon as they do it once
1:34 or twice they're like oh
1:35 i've done this once or twice i'm
1:37 starting to meet your needs and now
1:38 you're going to expect this of me every
1:40 single time and there's going to be this pressure
1:41 pressure
1:43 so knowing that those are two major
1:45 reasons why this doesn't happen
1:47 um what we can do is we can work on
1:48 being clear
1:50 right so that there is no you know
1:51 painting a picture of what our needs
1:53 look like so there's no room to get
1:55 confused so there's no shutdown reaction
1:56 as a byproduct
1:58 and what we can also do is let somebody
2:00 know hey i would really appreciate if
2:01 you do this
2:03 you don't have to be perfect at it i
2:05 don't expect this of you
2:08 100 of the time you know this doesn't
2:09 come with some kind of expectation
2:11 when i need this again in the future
2:13 whatever the need might be
2:15 i will show up and communicate that to
2:17 you then i will let you know
2:19 and the reason we do this is it it deals
2:20 with the da
2:24 potential objections so far in advance
2:25 that then if the person is left there
2:27 with the care and without their fears or
2:28 their own wounds coming up they
2:30 naturally will want to take action
2:32 so those are two really big things to
2:34 get out of the way first
2:36 another really big piece is you want to
2:37 remember with a da
2:39 they usually have this subconscious
2:41 mindset that's like everybody's out for
2:42 themselves because they've often had to
2:44 fend for themselves and that's like
2:45 their operating
2:48 worldview perspective so what you have
2:49 to do if you're in a relationship with them
2:50 them
2:52 is practice communicating consistently
2:54 like seeing your needs through when you
2:55 need something
2:58 don't expect anybody to mind read make
2:59 sure that you communicate and you are consistent
3:00 consistent
3:02 and over time they'll just come to know
3:04 your needs but it takes that consistent
3:07 communication to take place first
3:09 now once these things have happened the
3:11 next really important thing that you can
3:11 do is
3:13 show a lot of appreciation and acknowledgement
3:15 acknowledgement
3:16 da's if they feel like they are not
3:18 being appreciated or acknowledged and
3:19 especially if they feel criticized they
3:21 will shut down and say well why am i
3:22 going to bother
3:23 you know you're hurting me i don't want
3:24 to do something for you when you hurt me
3:27 and they tend to withdraw and pull back
3:28 the exact opposite is if they feel
3:30 acknowledged and appreciated and i don't
3:30 mean an
3:32 excess not in a grandiose way they're
3:34 not looking for like
3:35 their feet to be kissed they're
3:37 literally just looking for
3:39 hey thank you so much i really
3:40 appreciate that hey i noticed you did
3:42 that thing that meant a lot to me thank you
3:43 you
3:44 they're just looking for like some kind
3:45 of commentary they're just looking for
3:47 some kind of like hey i see that you did this
3:48 this
3:50 and you're trying the more you get that
3:52 the more you positively reinforce
3:54 and it's not just on like that they need
3:56 appreciation and acknowledgement at a
3:58 subtle level
4:00 type thing it's also that you're giving
4:01 them direction
4:03 to say hey you are doing this right
4:05 because a lot of da's
4:07 feel really disempowered about how to
4:09 meet somebody else's needs and they
4:12 often haven't had a lot of modeling for
4:14 like relationship exchanges where one caregiver
4:15 caregiver
4:17 or you know or both parents together you
4:18 know are like
4:21 really giving and receiving in in an
4:23 emotional or vulnerable way with another
4:24 person so
4:25 they like to hear okay i'm doing it
4:27 right like giving that appreciation and
4:29 acknowledgement is validating for them
4:31 because sometimes they feel confused
4:32 um another thing is make them feel
4:35 important and like needed so if you are
4:37 letting them know hey i really need your
4:39 help with this because
4:40 you know you're really great at helping
4:42 me with this thing or
4:44 you're the one person that i know helps
4:45 the best with this thing and don't like
4:47 make things up if they're not true
4:50 just if there's certain things that are
4:53 like really select or important about
4:55 that specific person
4:58 maybe somebody who always helps you um
5:00 with your computer maybe it's somebody
5:02 that always helps you
5:04 um with organizing stuff like whatever
5:05 it might be if they're that one person
5:06 that does that really well
5:09 let them know um da's do like to feel
5:10 they get a sense of significance from
5:11 feeling needed but in
5:13 short subtle forms not in a more
5:16 pervasive way like an fa or an aaa
5:19 um so that is very important as well and
5:21 fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied
5:22 for anybody who doesn't know what i'm
5:23 talking about
5:26 um another thing um is is consistently
5:28 see your needs through so that there's
5:30 sort of this slow build up over time
5:31 don't drop all your needs on the table
5:33 at once because the da will get overwhelmed
5:34 overwhelmed
5:36 do one need at a time maybe once per
5:38 week then do another one and then
5:39 another one and this can be like in your
5:40 relationship to a parent in a
5:42 relationship to a caregiver
5:44 i guess that's still probably a parent
5:46 figure um but it can also be in the
5:48 relationship to like a friend
5:50 a family member in general a romantic
5:51 partner like it doesn't really matter
5:52 who this relationship is
5:55 all these same principles still apply um
5:56 and then the other things that you want
5:57 to do
5:59 is you also want to be available to meet
6:01 their needs um again in a way that takes
6:03 yourself into consideration that creates
6:04 like sort of a nice
6:06 fair exchange between the both of you um
6:08 so that it's not too out of balance at
6:09 any point it doesn't have to be like
6:12 50 50 100 of the time you know there
6:14 will be ebbs and flows of relationships
6:15 and that's healthy
6:17 um but just making sure that there's you
6:18 know this harmony in terms of the giving
6:20 and receiving so that that cycle can
6:22 kind of flow there together
6:24 um and let the da know that it's healthy
6:26 to ask for their needs to be met that
6:28 it's healthy to open up that it's safe
6:29 to communicate
6:30 that these are really good parts of
6:32 relationships so that they see that this
6:34 exchange is possible
6:36 um and that's about it in terms of some
6:38 really important ways of inspiring
6:39 da's to meet your needs i know other
6:43 people um may talk sometimes about how
6:45 the way to do it is to to trick them
6:46 into doing this or trick them into doing
6:48 that i really don't
6:49 believe in that like as soon as we
6:51 disrespect somebody else's like
6:53 sovereignty as a human being we run into
6:55 a lot of different troubles later on in
6:56 long term and so
6:59 it's really important that we learn to
7:00 inspire people to meet our
7:02 needs by being clear about what our
7:03 needs are
7:05 by knowing that we can open up about our
7:07 needs in general and then
7:08 doing the work to do this stuff and if
7:10 you want to do a much deeper dive into
7:11 all of this
7:14 the best courses for this by far are so in-depth
7:15 in-depth
7:17 um discover embrace and fulfill your
7:18 personal needs we'll tell you all about
7:20 your needs in a relationship the ways in
7:21 which you give and receive love the ways
7:23 in which other people give and receive love
7:23 love
7:25 help you learn other people's needs in a
7:27 relationship and then the advanced needs
7:29 course then takes that and helps you
7:30 communicate effectively
7:32 helps you advocate for your needs see
7:34 them through learn what fears you have
7:36 around expressing them and reprogram
7:37 those fears
7:38 and then it also helps you a step
7:41 further um to really learn to receive
7:42 because some people can get really good
7:44 at all the other steps but have
7:45 receiving blocks and helps you to
7:47 reprogram those as well
7:48 so those are really powerful courses to
7:50 do a deep dive into
7:53 i really appreciate you guys being here
7:54 let me know any feedback or comments you have
7:55 have
7:57 obviously in the comments section below
7:58 i would also love to hear about what
8:01 your biggest needs are in a relationship
8:03 um and um if you're getting a lot of
8:04 value to this channel
8:06 please like share and subscribe thank
8:07 you for being here and for watching and
8:08 i will see you
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