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How to resolve conflicts | Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg | Giraffe NVC | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: How to resolve conflicts | Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg
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Video Summary
Summary
Core Theme
Effective conflict resolution hinges on prioritizing empathetic connection and understanding underlying needs before attempting to find solutions or educate.
now see it hasn't been easy for me to
give this
jackal empathy i was wanting to jump in
an educator but the way you're asking
for it jackal i think is going to make
it hard for people to give it to you see
i've wanted to say that almost every time
time
so i had to take a deep breath and
realize empathic connection
now is not the time to educate it the
way you're asking for it's going to make
it pretty hard for somebody without
super powered giraffe ears to hear your needs
question on that doesn't doesn't the
situation require some kind of resolution
resolution
or solution yes and almost
and the resolution the solution will
find us
when the connection is there
when she hears your needs
and you hear her needs without any
criticism and demand
solution will find you
the conflict will resolve itself it does
need to be resolved
but what most of us do we skip this
and go right to here
i sometimes do uh workshops
just with married couples or other
people living together in a love relationship
and what we do to begin the workshop we identify
identify
the couple who has had a conflict
the longest outstanding conflict that
and i make a prediction and it's right
my prediction has been accurate enough
in maybe i'm sure at least 75 percent of
the cases but my prediction is this
that we will resolve the conflict within
within 20 minutes from the point at which
which
both parties can tell me what the other
okay now one time we found a couple married
married
39 years 39 years had a conflict
had not been able to resolve this conflict
conflict
the wife said to me marshall i can tell
you right now we're not going to be able
to resolve this within
20 minutes we have a good marriage we
communicate well
but this is just one of those things
that we're different people and we just
have a conflict here
now i said let me correct one thing i
didn't say we're going to resolve it
within 20 minutes
i said within 20 minutes from the point
at which you can both tell me what the
other party is needing
oh she said marshall when you've been
married 39 years and you've talked about
i can tell you we understand each other
the problem isn't that we're just two
different people in this issue
well i said i've been wrong before i can
sure be wrong this time but let's see
we'll find out within 20 minutes so
first tell me what his needs are in this situation
he doesn't want me to spend any money
he responds immediately that's ridiculous
ridiculous
now first of all doesn't want me to
spend any money is not a need
see needs and strategies need to be separated
separated
they had been talking about how much
money she could spend and not spend
but the more important issue there was
whether see
whether who takes care of the checkbook
he unilaterally controlled the checkbook
which was really the main issue between them
them
see but that's i'm saying i don't even
want the couple to talk about the
strategies or the solutions
until the connection is there when the
connection is there
the conflicts usually resolve themselves
so i pointed out to her no that's not a
need and even if it was notice he's
saying that's not accurate
but she said okay let me then tell you
what his needs are marshall
you see he's just like his own father
they both have a depression mentality
when it comes to money i always said
stop stop
now i'm hearing psychoanalytic jackal you
you know now it's going to take another
39 years if you get into that
no i'm not asking for an analysis of his
personality i'm saying what are his needs
needs
she didn't know after 39 years she had
no awareness consciousness of his needs
so i said to him okay well she doesn't
know why don't you tell her
well marshall let me tell you what her
needs are you see she's a lovely woman
lovely woman a wonderful mother a
wonderful wife
but when it comes to money she's totally irresponsible
irresponsible
here comes another 39 years
i ask for a need and he gives me a diagnosis
diagnosis
and of course she immediately says
so i could see they didn't have a need
literacy so i had to loan them
my ears so
with giraffe ears of course i'm
conscious that all judgments she's totally
totally
irresponsible is a tragic expression of
an unmet need
you see so if she would have had these
years they would have been able to
resolve this in the first year of their
marriage but she didn't
she was taking it personally so i helped
him out i said when you say she's irresponsible
irresponsible
are you feeling frightened and need to
be sure the family is protected
economically he said that's exactly what
i mean well
that wasn't what he's been saying for 39
years but he didn't know how to say his
feelings and needs
okay so i've got his needs identified he
was scared
wanted to protect the family economically
economically
i turned to his wife and said could you
tell me back
what you heard him say but because i did
you know one time i overdrew the
checkbook when we were you know first
married now he thinks
excuse me excuse me notice what the
first word that she said was
but see she doesn't know the cardinal
giraffe rule never put your butt in the
face of an angry person
i said what are his feelings and needs
but no no no no no no what are his
feelings and means
want me to repeat them yeah
i hear him saying he's scared well but
hold it hold it hold it
calm down calm down hear his feelings
and needs see but after 39 years of
enemy image it's not easy for somebody
to shift these images you see
once we get one of these images in our
mind of the other person's wrongness
even when they are expressing their
needs we don't hear it
these enemy images are hard to get past
you see
so she's been seeing him as cheap and
having this depression
mentality for 39 years so she can't see
the human being behind
her image i said let me repeat it again
i hear him saying he's scared
because he needs someone to protect the
f and needs to protect the family economically
economically
can you say back yeah he thinks i'm irresponsible
let's try it again after three more repetitions
repetitions
finally she could hear his needs and
feelings separate
from her judgments finally yes
did you try to um empathize with her at
any point or did you just keep repeating
his need and try to get her yes after i
had tried twice
to get her to hear it i could see she
was in too much pain to hear him
so i had to do what i was just
demonstrating like this actually
i had needed to give her some emergency
first aid empathy
before i could pull her by the ears to
get hurt to hear him
so if after i tried two times to pull
the jackal by the ears
it's hard to do that because they keep
trying to bite you know then
then i back off so it really hurts when
you hear criticism
yes yes i mean yeah
now i'd like to repeat what he said and
i'd like to have you tell me back what
he heard so yeah i did have to do a
little bit of cleaning up the mess
before i could
see every image that she's heard in the
past every criticism
but she'd heard for years she was irresponsible
irresponsible
now it's hard for her to hear the need
that was being expressed all along
behind that
so finally i get her to hear his
feelings and needs
okay we're halfway through now this much
took me an hour
okay now i try to help her so could you
tell me now what your needs are
well just because i made them you know i
overdrew the checkbook you know before
you know that doesn't mean i'm going to
do it again he said yes we could be out
so you're really frustrated and if i
hear you correctly
you have a need for some trust that you
can learn how to handle money
husband could you tell me that yeah and
we'll be out of money by that excuse me
excuse me
can you tell me what her feelings and
would you like me to repeat it yes okay
about three more repetitions he hears her
her
it didn't take 20 minutes to resolve it
at that point you see
whenever i go into situations where
there's been a lot of conflict i don't
even allow the people to talk about strategies
strategies
until they're connected at the heart
level i was working with two tribes in
northern nigeria
one christian tribe and one muslim tribe
one quarter of the population killed in
one year
one out of four people killed
took my colleague six months to get them
to agree to
come into a room together during that
six months 60 people killed so by the
time it took us to get everybody into a
room together 60 people killed
so now it's not a husband and wife i
have on opposite ends of the table but
i start the same way i did with the
husband and wife i'd like to hear you
express your needs what needs are not
being met
i'm pretty much guessing ahead of time
i'm not going to get an answer to my question
question
because if people had been communicating
at the need level there wouldn't have
so i wasn't surprised when instead of
getting an answer to my question i got
this back these people are murderers
well you've been trying to dominate us
see i ask for needs i get back dom diagnoses
so just as with the husband and wife i
put my ears on
translate each statement into a need
get the other side to hear it it wasn't
easy i had to do a lot of first aid
empathy to get
because like when i got this person
behind murderers was so you are
frightened of any use of violence to
resolve conflict
and want some agreement to resolve it in
some other way yes exactly
okay could you say back what you heard
then why did you kill my child so it
wasn't too easy
but anyway after about it took about an
hour again for me to get
one need expressed one need heard one
need expressed one need heard
and one of the chiefs who hadn't spoken
yet said to me
if we know how to communicate this way
we won't have to kill each other see it
just took one hour to see
that if they can just stay connected at
the heart level nobody has to die
there's plenty of resources for getting
everybody's needs met
but we lose that when we get up into our
head and start to analyze wrongness
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