0:03 welcome to Mom's true tea the podcast
0:05 where moms can spill the true tea on
0:08 various stop provoking topics and
0:10 challenge beliefs about motherhood and
0:13 life authentically unapologetically and
0:16 without judgment I'm your host Kendall leay
0:17 leay [Music]
0:23 [Music]
0:26 Williams today let's get into the topic
0:30 that's not talked about enough as always
0:32 one that's painful
0:34 controversial and
0:38 unfortunately way too common and that's
0:42 parental alienation but wait this just
0:44 doesn't happen when parents get divorced
0:47 this is also happening when couples that
0:51 aren't married call it quits we call it
0:54 baby mama drama or baby daddy drama for
0:57 those unfamiliar parental alienation is
1:00 when one parent intentionally turn their
1:03 children against the other parent after
1:07 a breakup or after divorce it's one of
1:11 those issues that's common but it's
1:12 really all about the emotions of the
1:15 person that's creating that Dynamic with
1:19 the child and it could be a mother or
1:22 father it's a topic that is prevalent
1:24 yet there's not much discussion around
1:27 it yet it's affecting the lives of so
1:30 many children and parents out there so
1:40 tea have a seat and let's get into it
1:42 when we think about divorce we often
1:44 talk about custody battles splitting
1:47 assets or the stress that on both
1:50 parents but what we don't always discuss
1:54 is what happens when one parent decides
1:57 to use the children as a weapon against the
1:58 the
2:02 other it might start off small like
2:04 little sarcastic remarks here and there
2:07 or you know like your Dad's too busy for
2:09 you again huh or you know if your mom
2:12 really cared she'd be here on time it's
2:14 those little comments disguised as
2:16 frustration that slowly work their way
2:17 into a child's
2:22 psyche not realizing your kids are like
2:24 emotional sponges they soak up the
2:27 feelings and attitudes around them
2:30 especially when those attit tattoos are
2:33 coming from someone they trust and love
2:34 like a
2:37 parent so you plant the seeds of
2:41 alienation or they're planted every
2:43 single time a comment against that
2:48 parent is made and let's be honest
2:50 alienation doesn't happen in a vacuum
2:53 nor is it linear it's a slow
2:55 manipulation of the child it's
2:57 brainwashing of the child it's turning
2:59 the child against the other parent by
3:01 saying and all kind of low down dirty
3:04 that's not true it's not that the
3:07 alienating parent is so concerned about
3:09 the child or has the child's best
3:12 interest at heart it's really all about
3:15 making that other parent look bad it's
3:17 about causing division between the child
3:21 and that parent creating chaos because
3:23 you're in your feelings or you're hurt
3:26 and you're angry and you're just Petty
3:30 it is the lowest level of pettiness and
3:34 it's dangerous trust me I know all too
3:37 well but there's always a backstory I'm
3:39 not here to minimize the pain and
3:41 resentment that can come with a broken
3:45 relationship trust me I get that divorce
3:47 a lack of maturity and a lack of
3:51 accountability and bitterness it brings
3:54 out the worst in some of us we're hurt
3:58 we're angry and maybe even vengeful but
4:00 the truth is our children shouldn't not
4:02 be the ones to Bear the brunt of our
4:05 unhealed wounds they deserve to be able
4:07 to establish their own relationship with
4:10 the other parent love freely without the
4:12 pressure of having to choose sides or
4:14 feeling like they're betraying one
4:17 parent over the other or by loving the
4:20 other parent my experience with parental
4:22 alienation was when my ex-husband and I
4:25 were going through our divorce I was
4:28 trying to be amicable and really set a
4:31 foundation of positive co-parenting but
4:34 clearly he had another agenda he would
4:36 say things to my younger son like I
4:37 can't come and see you anymore because
4:40 your mama took the car he never told him
4:43 that I gave him my old car that I paid
4:46 off and I paid for while we were
4:48 together so he would have transportation
4:51 to get back and forth to work or to come
4:54 and see my son he didn't tell him that
4:57 he couldn't insure the car on his own
4:59 because of his horrible driving record
5:00 or the fact that he actually sold the
5:04 damn car he would say also I can't call
5:06 you anymore because your mom cut my
5:09 phone off instead of your mom gave me 30
5:11 days to get my phone switched over from
5:14 her phone plan that she's had me on for
5:18 the last 5 years or I can't get you this
5:19 because your mom is taking all of my
5:21 money with child support instead of
5:23 saying I only made one child support
5:26 payment I begged your mom to take me off
5:29 child support and promis to help her out
5:32 but now did your entire 20 plus years
5:33 after the
5:37 divorce or he would call him every
5:39 morning before we got ready to go to
5:43 school and work and R him up then guess
5:44 who would have to deal with his behavior
5:47 throughout the day me and the final
5:49 straw was that I was cheating on him
5:52 with my now husband of 18 years instead
5:54 of confirming that he and I were
5:57 divorced before I even started dating my
6:00 now husband and we won't even get into
6:02 how my ex's family played a part in this
6:05 as well so my son developed this love
6:07 hate for me and still has it to this day
6:10 and he's 20 29 years
6:13 old I didn't know this was a form of
6:16 parent alienation until I researched it
6:18 I was thinking I was crazy or that it
6:21 was just manipulation and which that's
6:24 part of it but now I have an actual name
6:27 for this the way my ex was controlling
6:30 the emotions of my younger son and still
6:33 does to this day it got so bad I would
6:35 have to remove the phone from the jack
6:38 at night so he wouldn't call him to
6:41 agitate him because guess what happens
6:44 when that agitation takes place the
6:46 parent that's on the receiving end of
6:48 the parental alienation and it's also
6:50 typically the parent that has custody of
6:53 the child they're always the one that
6:55 experiences the anger the abuse the
6:58 disrespect from that child and this
7:01 takes an emotional toll on you as a
7:03 mother or father and let's not forget
7:05 the siblings that have to also deal with
7:07 this but you're trying to be the bigger
7:09 person in the situation you're trying to
7:12 stay patient with the child you're
7:14 trying to stay loving with the child and
7:16 you bite your damn tongue about the
7:19 parent who's doing the alienating when
7:22 we know deep down there is a whole lot
7:27 that we could say I was determined to
7:29 not make negative comments about either
7:31 of my son's father and it didn't take
7:33 much effort for me to do that and that's
7:36 because any negative comments about
7:37 either of my son's
7:40 fathers it didn't benefit me I saw no
7:44 benefit in doing that or how was that
7:47 going to help my sons or me plus as
7:49 always when I say when I'm done I was
7:52 done they were no longer a factor to me
7:55 my sons had their own free will to form
7:58 their own relationships with their dads
8:01 and their own opin opinions about them
8:03 without me interfering or even
8:05 discussing them it wasn't until they
8:06 became adults and they would ask me
8:08 questions or bring certain things up
8:10 that I would give them my honest and factual
8:12 factual
8:15 response but never my opinion of either
8:17 of them and again trust me there's a
8:20 whole lot that I can say parental
8:22 alienation is
8:24 heartbreaking because this doesn't just
8:26 damage the relationship between you and
8:29 the child as the alienated parent it
8:32 affects the child's entire outlook on
8:34 what love and Trust looks like they
8:38 start to question the alienated parents
8:41 love for them they develop this LoveHate
8:43 relationship for you they make you the
8:45 villain in all of their stories and
8:48 that's because that's the picture that
8:53 has been painted by the parent that is
8:57 alienating you and unfortunately this
9:00 relationship Dynamic can go on on for
9:02 years not just until the child grows up
9:05 I wish I could tell you differently it
9:07 could lead to a lifetime of struggling
9:10 with your selfworth as a
9:13 parent then the child has difficulty
9:15 trusting others and carrying the belief
9:17 that love always comes with these
9:20 strings attached that child sometimes
9:23 becomes the worst form of the very
9:26 parent that created the Alien Nation in
9:29 the first place but I digress this
9:31 doesn't just happen with moms being on
9:33 the receiving end of Parental alienation
9:38 either some cases it's fathers too AKA
9:41 baby mama drama the mom say things like
9:43 I can't get this for you because your
9:44 dad isn't giving me money or child
9:46 support even when they know that's a
9:49 damn lie I know of someone personally
9:51 that tried to be there for his children
9:53 but because he had moved on from the
9:55 mother and wouldn't allow her to dictate
9:58 how he showed up in his children's lives
9:59 she would tell the children and things
10:02 like he didn't care about them or she
10:03 couldn't afford to buy them certain
10:06 things because he wasn't paying child
10:08 support the whole time this man was
10:10 paying child support and his daughter
10:13 did not know she was completely unaware
10:15 that her dad was providing financial
10:19 support to her mother all of those years
10:22 until he finally had a conversation with
10:26 her as an adult she had no idea and
10:27 because of the man that he was he would
10:29 never say derogatory comment about her
10:32 mom he just simply had to give her the
10:34 facts and that was that he was always
10:36 providing financial support and was
10:38 always trying to be present in their
10:41 lives but just not on her terms the type
10:43 of woman that would alienate a father
10:45 because of her own bitterness or her own
10:47 hurt or venge
10:50 vengefulness and turn her children
10:53 against their father she's low and
10:55 that's some nasty work if you're
10:58 listening to this and you recognize that
11:00 maybe you made a comment or two like
11:04 that out of pain I want to tell you to
11:05 do some
11:08 self-reflection take accountability and
11:11 stop that it doesn't benefit the
11:15 child nor does it benefit you one way
11:19 you can move forward is go heal go heal
11:22 go and deal with your emotions and grow
11:25 up cuz it's it's immaturity when all
11:28 parties do the work they need to
11:32 individually and collectively change can
11:35 happen unfortunately I didn't get to
11:38 experience that but I know that it can
11:40 happen it starts with acknowledging the
11:44 part that you are playing in alienating
11:47 a parent and making a conscious effort
11:49 to put that child's emotional well-being
11:52 above your own feelings about the other
11:55 parent and that's what I did if possible
11:57 and dependent on the situation it's also
11:59 important to stay consistent keep
12:02 reaching out and most importantly never
12:04 stop showing love for your child and
12:07 keep fighting as much as possible kids
12:09 are perceptive they might be confused
12:11 during this experience but deep down
12:13 they will remember who was always there
12:16 for them but children deserve a space to
12:18 process their emotions without being
12:20 influenced by one side or the other and
12:23 not only that they will see that parent
12:25 for who they really are in due time and
12:27 you won't have to say a damn word to the
12:29 parents who are on the receiving end of
12:31 this alienation you're not alone it
12:35 hurts it is heartbreaking and it hurts
12:38 real bad when your child starts to treat
12:41 you a certain way and you know it's
12:44 because of the other parent it can feel
12:46 like you're losing your children in some
12:49 cases and you actually do to a certain
12:52 degree you feel like all the love and
12:54 effort that you put into that
12:56 relationship is being totally erased and
12:58 disregarded but try your best not to
13:01 give up I know it's hard trust the most
13:04 high to intervene and show the truth to
13:06 bring healing and
13:08 Reconciliation and in some cases I know
13:10 you may not want to hear this but you
13:14 just may have to let go and let God it's
13:16 hard to do but when a child has been
13:19 poisoned against you you have no control
13:21 in the matter it does not matter how
13:24 much you try to show them differently
13:26 how much you try to show up for them how
13:29 much of your side of the story is
13:32 actually the truth sometimes the damage
13:36 is done and it's often irreversible and
13:39 that's just the truth also Trust You are
13:41 not alone in this fight and there are so
13:43 many parents out there who may be
13:46 experiencing this currently who've been
13:49 where you are like me who've struggled
13:51 and they've actually been able to
13:54 rebuild those relationships over time or
13:57 some of us we Jo we just choose peace
13:59 over continuing dealing with the
14:01 disrespect and the alienation and
14:04 everything that comes with that but you
14:06 never stop loving your child you never
14:09 stop loving your child parental
14:12 alienation is a tragic byproduct of our
14:16 own pain but we owe it to our children
14:20 to do better divorce separation no
14:21 longer being with the baby mama no
14:23 longer being with the baby daddy all
14:25 those things are a part of separation
14:28 and it changes families but it does not
14:30 have to destroy them and children
14:32 deserve to grow up knowing that both of
14:34 their parents love them regardless of
14:37 how things ended between us so let that
14:40 petty go bro if you are the parent
14:42 experienced parental alienation just
14:45 know you're not alone there are so many
14:47 other parents that have experienced this
14:49 and they may still be experiencing it
14:50 but in some cases they've been able to
14:52 rebuild their relationship with their
14:54 children over time and they chose peace
14:57 over the constant heartbreak and the
14:59 trauma that comes on along with this
15:02 because it does impact your mental
15:05 well-being especially as a mom for your
15:08 children to have such contention for you
15:11 and hatred for you and you know it's as
15:14 a result of another parent and not what
15:16 you have done it is the most painful
15:18 thing that you will ever experience as a
15:22 mom and I say that from a perspective of
15:25 someone who has dealt with it for over
15:29 20 years now if you are someone you know
15:31 is dealing with this I encourage you to
15:35 speak up speak your truth seek support
15:37 talk to professional reach out to other
15:38 parents who've been through it and
15:39 remember that healing starts with the
15:41 choices that we make
15:44 today I'd love to hear your thoughts or
15:45 if you have a story to share about this
15:48 topic drop a comment on my social moms
15:52 Ms true t or send me a message thanks
16:00 bye thank you so so much for tuning in
16:02 I'm so blessed to have a community where
16:05 I can show up as my most authentic self
16:07 because I don't know what else to be
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16:35 topics and real talk on Mom's Che te
16:38 with Kendall leay until next time
16:41 remember you need you just as much as
16:44 anyone else so stop playing about you
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