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EP17: The Truth About Parental Alienation
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welcome to Mom's true tea the podcast
where moms can spill the true tea on
various stop provoking topics and
challenge beliefs about motherhood and
life authentically unapologetically and
without judgment I'm your host Kendall leay
leay [Music]
[Music]
Williams today let's get into the topic
that's not talked about enough as always
one that's painful
controversial and
unfortunately way too common and that's
parental alienation but wait this just
doesn't happen when parents get divorced
this is also happening when couples that
aren't married call it quits we call it
baby mama drama or baby daddy drama for
those unfamiliar parental alienation is
when one parent intentionally turn their
children against the other parent after
a breakup or after divorce it's one of
those issues that's common but it's
really all about the emotions of the
person that's creating that Dynamic with
the child and it could be a mother or
father it's a topic that is prevalent
yet there's not much discussion around
it yet it's affecting the lives of so
many children and parents out there so
tea have a seat and let's get into it
when we think about divorce we often
talk about custody battles splitting
assets or the stress that on both
parents but what we don't always discuss
is what happens when one parent decides
to use the children as a weapon against the
the
other it might start off small like
little sarcastic remarks here and there
or you know like your Dad's too busy for
you again huh or you know if your mom
really cared she'd be here on time it's
those little comments disguised as
frustration that slowly work their way
into a child's
psyche not realizing your kids are like
emotional sponges they soak up the
feelings and attitudes around them
especially when those attit tattoos are
coming from someone they trust and love
like a
parent so you plant the seeds of
alienation or they're planted every
single time a comment against that
parent is made and let's be honest
alienation doesn't happen in a vacuum
nor is it linear it's a slow
manipulation of the child it's
brainwashing of the child it's turning
the child against the other parent by
saying and all kind of low down dirty
that's not true it's not that the
alienating parent is so concerned about
the child or has the child's best
interest at heart it's really all about
making that other parent look bad it's
about causing division between the child
and that parent creating chaos because
you're in your feelings or you're hurt
and you're angry and you're just Petty
it is the lowest level of pettiness and
it's dangerous trust me I know all too
well but there's always a backstory I'm
not here to minimize the pain and
resentment that can come with a broken
relationship trust me I get that divorce
a lack of maturity and a lack of
accountability and bitterness it brings
out the worst in some of us we're hurt
we're angry and maybe even vengeful but
the truth is our children shouldn't not
be the ones to Bear the brunt of our
unhealed wounds they deserve to be able
to establish their own relationship with
the other parent love freely without the
pressure of having to choose sides or
feeling like they're betraying one
parent over the other or by loving the
other parent my experience with parental
alienation was when my ex-husband and I
were going through our divorce I was
trying to be amicable and really set a
foundation of positive co-parenting but
clearly he had another agenda he would
say things to my younger son like I
can't come and see you anymore because
your mama took the car he never told him
that I gave him my old car that I paid
off and I paid for while we were
together so he would have transportation
to get back and forth to work or to come
and see my son he didn't tell him that
he couldn't insure the car on his own
because of his horrible driving record
or the fact that he actually sold the
damn car he would say also I can't call
you anymore because your mom cut my
phone off instead of your mom gave me 30
days to get my phone switched over from
her phone plan that she's had me on for
the last 5 years or I can't get you this
because your mom is taking all of my
money with child support instead of
saying I only made one child support
payment I begged your mom to take me off
child support and promis to help her out
but now did your entire 20 plus years
after the
divorce or he would call him every
morning before we got ready to go to
school and work and R him up then guess
who would have to deal with his behavior
throughout the day me and the final
straw was that I was cheating on him
with my now husband of 18 years instead
of confirming that he and I were
divorced before I even started dating my
now husband and we won't even get into
how my ex's family played a part in this
as well so my son developed this love
hate for me and still has it to this day
and he's 20 29 years
old I didn't know this was a form of
parent alienation until I researched it
I was thinking I was crazy or that it
was just manipulation and which that's
part of it but now I have an actual name
for this the way my ex was controlling
the emotions of my younger son and still
does to this day it got so bad I would
have to remove the phone from the jack
at night so he wouldn't call him to
agitate him because guess what happens
when that agitation takes place the
parent that's on the receiving end of
the parental alienation and it's also
typically the parent that has custody of
the child they're always the one that
experiences the anger the abuse the
disrespect from that child and this
takes an emotional toll on you as a
mother or father and let's not forget
the siblings that have to also deal with
this but you're trying to be the bigger
person in the situation you're trying to
stay patient with the child you're
trying to stay loving with the child and
you bite your damn tongue about the
parent who's doing the alienating when
we know deep down there is a whole lot
that we could say I was determined to
not make negative comments about either
of my son's father and it didn't take
much effort for me to do that and that's
because any negative comments about
either of my son's
fathers it didn't benefit me I saw no
benefit in doing that or how was that
going to help my sons or me plus as
always when I say when I'm done I was
done they were no longer a factor to me
my sons had their own free will to form
their own relationships with their dads
and their own opin opinions about them
without me interfering or even
discussing them it wasn't until they
became adults and they would ask me
questions or bring certain things up
that I would give them my honest and factual
factual
response but never my opinion of either
of them and again trust me there's a
whole lot that I can say parental
alienation is
heartbreaking because this doesn't just
damage the relationship between you and
the child as the alienated parent it
affects the child's entire outlook on
what love and Trust looks like they
start to question the alienated parents
love for them they develop this LoveHate
relationship for you they make you the
villain in all of their stories and
that's because that's the picture that
has been painted by the parent that is
alienating you and unfortunately this
relationship Dynamic can go on on for
years not just until the child grows up
I wish I could tell you differently it
could lead to a lifetime of struggling
with your selfworth as a
parent then the child has difficulty
trusting others and carrying the belief
that love always comes with these
strings attached that child sometimes
becomes the worst form of the very
parent that created the Alien Nation in
the first place but I digress this
doesn't just happen with moms being on
the receiving end of Parental alienation
either some cases it's fathers too AKA
baby mama drama the mom say things like
I can't get this for you because your
dad isn't giving me money or child
support even when they know that's a
damn lie I know of someone personally
that tried to be there for his children
but because he had moved on from the
mother and wouldn't allow her to dictate
how he showed up in his children's lives
she would tell the children and things
like he didn't care about them or she
couldn't afford to buy them certain
things because he wasn't paying child
support the whole time this man was
paying child support and his daughter
did not know she was completely unaware
that her dad was providing financial
support to her mother all of those years
until he finally had a conversation with
her as an adult she had no idea and
because of the man that he was he would
never say derogatory comment about her
mom he just simply had to give her the
facts and that was that he was always
providing financial support and was
always trying to be present in their
lives but just not on her terms the type
of woman that would alienate a father
because of her own bitterness or her own
hurt or venge
vengefulness and turn her children
against their father she's low and
that's some nasty work if you're
listening to this and you recognize that
maybe you made a comment or two like
that out of pain I want to tell you to
do some
self-reflection take accountability and
stop that it doesn't benefit the
child nor does it benefit you one way
you can move forward is go heal go heal
go and deal with your emotions and grow
up cuz it's it's immaturity when all
parties do the work they need to
individually and collectively change can
happen unfortunately I didn't get to
experience that but I know that it can
happen it starts with acknowledging the
part that you are playing in alienating
a parent and making a conscious effort
to put that child's emotional well-being
above your own feelings about the other
parent and that's what I did if possible
and dependent on the situation it's also
important to stay consistent keep
reaching out and most importantly never
stop showing love for your child and
keep fighting as much as possible kids
are perceptive they might be confused
during this experience but deep down
they will remember who was always there
for them but children deserve a space to
process their emotions without being
influenced by one side or the other and
not only that they will see that parent
for who they really are in due time and
you won't have to say a damn word to the
parents who are on the receiving end of
this alienation you're not alone it
hurts it is heartbreaking and it hurts
real bad when your child starts to treat
you a certain way and you know it's
because of the other parent it can feel
like you're losing your children in some
cases and you actually do to a certain
degree you feel like all the love and
effort that you put into that
relationship is being totally erased and
disregarded but try your best not to
give up I know it's hard trust the most
high to intervene and show the truth to
bring healing and
Reconciliation and in some cases I know
you may not want to hear this but you
just may have to let go and let God it's
hard to do but when a child has been
poisoned against you you have no control
in the matter it does not matter how
much you try to show them differently
how much you try to show up for them how
much of your side of the story is
actually the truth sometimes the damage
is done and it's often irreversible and
that's just the truth also Trust You are
not alone in this fight and there are so
many parents out there who may be
experiencing this currently who've been
where you are like me who've struggled
and they've actually been able to
rebuild those relationships over time or
some of us we Jo we just choose peace
over continuing dealing with the
disrespect and the alienation and
everything that comes with that but you
never stop loving your child you never
stop loving your child parental
alienation is a tragic byproduct of our
own pain but we owe it to our children
to do better divorce separation no
longer being with the baby mama no
longer being with the baby daddy all
those things are a part of separation
and it changes families but it does not
have to destroy them and children
deserve to grow up knowing that both of
their parents love them regardless of
how things ended between us so let that
petty go bro if you are the parent
experienced parental alienation just
know you're not alone there are so many
other parents that have experienced this
and they may still be experiencing it
but in some cases they've been able to
rebuild their relationship with their
children over time and they chose peace
over the constant heartbreak and the
trauma that comes on along with this
because it does impact your mental
well-being especially as a mom for your
children to have such contention for you
and hatred for you and you know it's as
a result of another parent and not what
you have done it is the most painful
thing that you will ever experience as a
mom and I say that from a perspective of
someone who has dealt with it for over
20 years now if you are someone you know
is dealing with this I encourage you to
speak up speak your truth seek support
talk to professional reach out to other
parents who've been through it and
remember that healing starts with the
choices that we make
today I'd love to hear your thoughts or
if you have a story to share about this
topic drop a comment on my social moms
Ms true t or send me a message thanks
bye thank you so so much for tuning in
I'm so blessed to have a community where
I can show up as my most authentic self
because I don't know what else to be
don't forget to favorite the show leave
a review And subscribe to the podcast on
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subscribe to my newsletter at
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Ms t r u t e a and be sure to share and
stay tuned for more thought provoking
topics and real talk on Mom's Che te
with Kendall leay until next time
remember you need you just as much as
anyone else so stop playing about you
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