0:05 what is going wrong in your life
0:08 you're an afl footballer you're living
0:09 your dream
0:11 i couldn't bear to look at myself and go
0:14 you know what you probably need help now
0:18 what does help even look like
0:23 when i was four months old dad got
0:24 offered a job to move out to beijing
0:27 and then we moved over to hong kong for
0:29 another six years
0:32 but i just remember playing so much
0:33 sport
0:35 and that's where i started playing rugby
0:36 when i was about five or six and that
0:38 was my introduction to competitive sport
0:40 and i used to love it
0:46 we first arrived back in australia early
0:48 2010 and three days in i went on my
0:50 first school camp and all i can really
0:52 remember is just thinking everyone hated
0:54 me and struggling to fit in
0:57 eventually i got to a point where i was
0:58 stressing about where i was sitting at
0:59 lunchtime who i was going to speak to
1:01 during the day whether i looked like a
1:02 loner
1:04 how was your day
1:07 i didn't know my first panic attack was
1:09 a panic attack
1:11 couldn't figure out a little problem go
1:13 through a pen slam my head into my desk
1:16 i just had no control over how i was
1:18 feeling i just felt helpless that my
1:20 mind was taking control of the rest of
1:22 my body
1:24 i struggled to understand that people
1:26 like me could have things like this go
1:28 on because i'd had the picture-perfect
1:29 life so far
1:31 [Music]
1:36 i still remember really intensely
1:38 how proud i was when i got drafted and
1:40 juddy handed me that jumper
1:42 from the sound
1:44 i think the thing i remember the most is
1:46 how quickly my emotions changed
1:48 all my exposure to afl football has been
1:50 that they live a perfect life there are
1:52 no worries
1:53 frankly it definitely wasn't the case
1:55 [Music]
1:58 he's struggling with this aggressive
2:00 anxiety disorder but you're still in
2:01 front of a packed mcg how does that even
2:03 break even
2:05 but there's an aspect of being able to
2:07 hide behind the identity that i have out
2:09 there
2:10 and that's probably why it was a safe
2:12 haven for me when i was playing afl
2:13 football and why i struggle so much when
2:15 i'm not
2:16 like at the time i really struggled to
2:17 go back to being me
2:23 how hard that is to conceptualize it in
2:24 front of 80 000 people you're not under
2:26 pressure but at home on your own you are
2:29 mclaughlin today but he always finds a
2:32 way in the latest just the entire all 10
2:34 victorian clubs
2:37 i found out the day before that we were
2:38 flying up to queensland for 25 days
2:41 pretty much the second i got up there i
2:42 realised that something was really off
2:45 you know thoughts of self-harm were well
2:47 past the point of being worrying i sort
2:50 of started unpacking why i was even in
2:51 the industry i hadn't enjoyed any of my
2:54 first two years
2:55 and it got to the point where football
2:57 wasn't necessarily detrimental to me but
2:59 football could no longer save me
3:02 my plan was to retire and forget about
3:04 football
3:05 i thought that me escaping football was
3:07 me escaping my mental health problems
3:09 i didn't like the idea of rehabilitation
3:11 or didn't like the idea of taking care
3:13 of my mental health either in fact i had
3:15 these associations with it that i was a
3:16 weakling because i had to and and all
3:18 this stuff that i've been prejudiced
3:20 towards since early childhood
3:24 i'd like to think that i'm tough and
3:25 angry and all of these things that we
3:27 think the perfect 80s or 90s footballer
3:29 is and that's kind of how i grew up
3:34 when it finally became obvious to other
3:36 people how much i was battling um the
3:38 amount of time they put into me to fix
3:40 things was the best thing that ever
3:41 happened to me and that's
3:43 why i'm so big on telling other people
3:45 what's going on because often they have
3:46 a better idea of the picture than you do
3:49 [Music]
3:51 the biggest things for me were the
3:52 understandings what was actually going
3:54 on hormonally in my brain and having
3:55 some way to justify how i was feeling
3:59 so i had a psychologist a psychiatrist
4:01 on medication
4:02 when i finally got to that point where
4:04 when i was in a downhill spiral or
4:06 something like that how i could come
4:07 back to terms with all right this is why
4:08 i'm feeling this way these are the
4:10 little things that i can do to to get
4:12 away from it or give myself a second and
4:14 get back in the moment
4:17 knowing who i've got in my corner as
4:19 well
4:20 so i don't feel alone even when i'm
4:22 struggling
4:23 i now realize my purpose in football
4:26 might be a little bit bigger than just
4:27 being good at it
4:29 i'm gonna do everything in my power to
4:31 make people feel like suffering like
4:32 this is okay
4:33 i'm an afl footballer but i can be human
4:36 i don't have to be this super tough guy
4:38 like i know other people struggle i know
4:40 everyone does and that's what makes it
4:42 okay for me
4:59 you
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