0:00 We've created a world where
0:02 the barrier to entry for some of the things that we've agreed on
0:06 as some of the most harmful to younger kids, the barrier to entry is zero.
0:12 It's literally you click a button that says, I am a title holder.
0:15 And I remember the first time I saw that button when I wasn't 18.
0:18 It was on a computer game called Leisure Suit Larry.
0:20 I don't know if you've ever heard. No I haven't.
0:22 So it was a story of this man, Leisure Suit Larry, who was only goal
0:26 was to have sex. That's what he was trying to do.
0:28 What a premise.
0:29 And you get points for the numbers, and you played this game.
0:31 I remember the first one.
0:32 You were just at a
0:33 like a bar and you type on the computer like open door, knock on door,
0:37 and the bouncer would be like, what's the code?
0:39 And you're like, what is the code?
0:40 But like when I think about, like this world, I think about the option
0:43 is like in the game, it was say to you at the beginning, are you 18 or older?
0:48 And I said, I said, no, I was honest. I was like, no.
0:50 And then the game was like, you're not old enough to play.
0:52 I remember being off and you know what I
0:56 did? And then I went, I am 18
0:57 and I was like, welcome to the game.
1:02 Something is happening to our kids.
1:05 Anxiety, depression and loneliness were on the rise
1:09 and it looks like it's not just a phase.
1:12 Parents overwhelmed.
1:13 Young people feel lost and no one's quite sure what or who is to blame.
1:18 But today's guest has spent years trying to answer just that question.
1:23 Jonathan Heights is a leading social psychologist,
1:25 a professor at NYU, and the author of The Anxious Generation, a book
1:30 that's sparking urgent conversations around the world today.
1:34 In this episode, we unpack what's going wrong
1:37 and what we might still be able to do to get it right.
1:45 And this is what Mao with Trevor Noah.
1:57 Asks.
1:59 So when you wrote
2:02 Anxious Generation, did you think you were tapping into the.
2:07 I mean, arguably like one of the the most.
2:10 What would you call it, the most pertinent moments of, of this generation did.
2:15 Because, I mean, you've written a few books and every author
2:17 who's writing about something, especially someone who's learned as you,
2:20 is thinking about the world, but this feels like a tapped
2:22 into every single parent and everyone who's in it completely.
2:28 I mean, it's still, you know, the last I checked, it's
2:31 still on the New York Times bestsellers list.
2:33 It's it's it just stays there.
2:34 Mom is still talking about.
2:36 Yes. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
2:38 What what do you what do you think it is about the topic
2:40 that connected with people as much as it has?
2:42 Yeah. Well, what?
2:44 You know what I discovered
2:45 once, I once the book came out and even before it came out
2:48 was that
2:49 there is a desperation among mothers in particular,
2:52 that all over the world, family life is turned into a fight over screen time.
2:56 Everyone hates it.
2:57 We didn't ask for it wasn't like this in 2010.
3:00 I mean, of course there are always arguments over TV.
3:02 But once kids got touch screen devices which are much more addictive,
3:07 you have a stimulus response loop,
3:09 which is much more addictive than watching a story on a screen.
3:12 And so family life changed and people couldn't like, what the hell is going on?
3:16 And my sense is that mothers felt their kids being pulled away
3:21 much more than fathers did.
3:22 Fathers were often like, oh, you know, cool video game.
3:24 Hey, let's play.
3:25 But mothers really felt it. And so that's what's driven.
3:27 The success of the book is that it's mothers around the world
3:30 and all the political changes, all the laws that are being introduced.
3:33 Oftentimes it's either a female governor like Sarah Huckabee Sanders in,
3:39 in Arkansas, or it's the governor or prime minister's wife
3:43 who reads the book and says, you know, and this is what happened in Australia.
3:46 The wife of one of the of the premier of South Australia read the book,
3:49 and she said she was reading in bed and she turns to me, says, Peter,
3:53 you've got to read this book and you've got
3:54 gotta fucking do something about it. Wow.
3:56 So he did.
3:58 And that's what started the process in Australia.
4:00 You know,
4:02 there's probably some people listening
4:03 now who haven't read the book, and I've read the book.
4:07 So is Trevor.
4:08 And one thing that you do in the book, you make the distinguish
4:13 between a play based childhood and a phone based childhood.
4:17 And you said there's been a rupture.
4:18 And we went from having a play based childhood, but kids were outside
4:21 unsupervised breaking bones, doing crazy stuff
4:25 that parents get really afraid of, these things
4:29 that maybe aren't things we should necessarily be that scared about.
4:33 And children go back into the home, and it coincides
4:36 with them having phones and having this phone based childhood.
4:40 Tell us more about that.
4:41 I can summarize the whole book by saying that we've overprotected our children
4:44 in the real world, and we've under protected them online.
4:48 Another way to say it is the book is a tragedy in two acts.
4:51 At one, we lose the play based childhood and this really kicks in in the 1990s.
4:56 So older millennials, people who grew up in the 70s and 80s,
5:00 they were there was a huge crime wave at that time in America at least.
5:03 But all kids played outside.
5:05 It was just you just go outside and play.
5:07 And then it's the 90s, which is actually when crime is dropping
5:10 and life is getting safer and drunk driving is going down.
5:13 We freak out in the 90s.
5:16 And we start to sandwich.
5:17 Too dangerous out there. Too dangerous, you know, stay home.
5:19 You have to always be supervised or you'll be abducted.
5:21 We freaked out about child abduction.
5:23 And so that's at one of the tragedies.
5:25 We pull the kids into us.
5:26 We don't let them have play.
5:27 And free play is crucial for development.
5:30 And then act two is very, very sudden.
5:32 It's between 2010 and 2015.
5:34 In 2010, kids are going through puberty with a flip phone
5:39 and a flip phone or basic phone.
5:40 You can text your friends, you can call your friends.
5:42 And there was a game called snake.
5:43 I think that's okay, but that's about it.
5:46 Yeah, you weren't talking to groups of 50 strangers.
5:48 You weren't talking to strange men who wanted sex from you.
5:51 I mean, it was like the, you know, it was a communication device.
5:55 So if you're born in 1995, it's last year.
5:57 The millennials suppose you're a girl born 1995.
6:00 In 2010, your 15 years through early puberty,
6:03 but you did it on a flip phone without Instagram.
6:06 But suppose you were born in the year 2000,
6:09 so now you turn 15 in 2015,
6:12 which means that your first phone was probably a smartphone
6:15 with a front facing camera, because that comes out 2010
6:18 with Instagram, because that becomes popular in 2012 with high speed internet.
6:22 So you went through early puberty constantly on your phone,
6:25 taking photographs of yourself, people talking about you, communicating
6:28 with strangers.
6:29 The phone moves to the center, your life.
6:31 So anyway, in all these ways, we had this five year period
6:34 where childhood is transformed into a screen based or phone
6:39 based childhood
6:40 that I believe, and I argue in the book is just not conducive to human development.
6:44 And I, I what I do love that you do in the book is that you really
6:48 you kind of preempt any
6:51 arguments because there's some people say, well, the world was always bad.
6:54 They had we had TVs and you actually pin it down
6:57 and you say the depression and the anxiety and the loneliness, we saying,
7:00 I believe it's due to the smartphones. Can you talk more about that?
7:03 Because that's I was I'm one of these people, I say to travel all the time.
7:07 Hitler didn't have screen time.
7:08 I mean, like turn out to be a great, horrible person.
7:12 So like, I think there's been some moral panic
7:15 around phones and screens, but you make the case that, no,
7:18 you don't think these things are really dangerous. Yeah.
7:20 So the main criticism I get is that this is a moral panic.
7:23 Just like we freaked out about television and comic books
7:27 and radio and everything else.
7:28 And there is some truth to that that the older generation always thinks
7:31 the younger generation is being harmed by whatever they're doing.
7:36 And sometimes that's wrong, like with comic books
7:38 and sometimes it's right, like with smoking or, you know,
7:42 you know, in drug use where we think, you know, kids shouldn't be doing this.
7:46 So the question is, am I am I warning people, am I raising an alarm
7:50 that doesn't need to be raised
7:51 and I'm just frightening people, and there's really no problem?
7:54 Or am I calling attention to what I think is the biggest threat to
7:59 to mental health, human children's mental health in modern history?
8:03 So that's the question am I right or am I wrong?
8:05 And some people say, oh, you know, correlation doesn't equal causation.
8:09 The fact that mental illness rates all go up around 2012, 2013.
8:12 It could be because of
8:15 school shootings.
8:16 They say, like
8:17 because we had this horrible school shooting, 2012, the Newtown massacre.
8:21 And after that, our kids had these lockdown drills.
8:24 Okay. So 2012, that does fit the timing.
8:27 But then why did girls
8:29 in Australia, New Zealand, Scandinavia, across Europe,
8:32 why did they start cutting themselves in 2012, 2013?
8:36 Why did they start checking into psychiatric emergency wards?
8:39 And so the fact that it happens all over the developed world,
8:42 we don't have good data from the developing world, but
8:44 all over the developed world these rates go up.
8:46 And they were pretty stable for the years before
8:49 I don't know if another explanation for that.
8:51 Let's talk a little bit about the two different worlds, because I
8:54 you know, to Christina's point,
8:55 I actually love that you broke them down on the play side.
8:59 Cristiano will tell you, I don't have any kids,
9:01 but I I'm vehemently against the way I see kids living now.
9:07 And one of the big ones for me was just like when I moved to New York.
9:11 I don't know why I've been so like, I'll be, I'll be at like, playgrounds.
9:15 No, I won't be like at the playground.
9:17 Let me not say it that way.
9:18 I'll be walking past a playground.
9:20 You walk in New York, you know,
9:23 and every time I'm
9:24 there, I see every every parent with a kid
9:27 or every child minder with a kid or every nanny with a kid or every see.
9:31 And I look at this thing with each other. Exactly.
9:32 The parents are playing with the kids. Exactly.
9:34 And often they're on their phones.
9:35 It's the monitoring, the surveillance.
9:38 Yeah, that's what it is. And I go, guys, this is a prison yard.
9:40 I keep seeing it. I go, I go find me.
9:42 The difference between this and a prison yard.
9:44 You I'll tell you the difference.
9:46 Federal prisoners, they're guaranteed two hours a day of outdoor time.
9:49 Hahahahahahahaha.
9:51 But but I watch this, and I think to myself, where are the kids
9:54 learning how to resolve conflicts amongst themselves?
9:58 Where are they learning
9:59 what games they do and don't want to play amongst each other?
10:01 Where are they learning? None of this one kid cries.
10:04 Parents swoop in, one kid falls.
10:06 Parents swoop in. Kids argue with each other.
10:08 Parents swoop in like it's the dogs at the dog park
10:13 have more freedom than the children do at a children's park.
10:17 And the thing is to actually wrestle and bite each other.
10:19 It really it really is interesting.
10:20 And I see this and the parents would say to me, oh,
10:22 but you don't know what it's like to have a kid.
10:23 And and I go, yeah, but I remember being a kid. That's right.
10:26 And those parents were kids.
10:27 All of those parents had free range childhoods. Yes.
10:30 All of them got to play outside.
10:32 And the most excited I was do this with, you know, older, older audiences.
10:36 Think of the most exciting things in childhood.
10:38 Call them to your mind.
10:39 Remember what it was like to be a kid with your parents there?
10:43 We watching a screen?
10:44 No, it's oh, it's outdoors, running around with friends, hanging out.
10:48 And that's exactly what we sucked out a child
10:50 and replaced it with mindless entertainment.
10:52 15 second videos.
10:53 One of my core memories is, I'm the eldest of four girls,
10:57 but my youngest sister's, like, 11 years
10:59 younger than me, so there was a bit of distance between us.
11:01 But it's taking my two younger sisters to school.
11:03 I was like nine years old.
11:04 I have one in each hand and we woke up.
11:07 This thing, this computer hill, was a big hill.
11:09 And then we'd walk back with other friends
11:11 and their siblings, and it's one of like, I always recall it when I think of like
11:15 a certain time in my life.
11:16 It's just the image of me and my sisters walking up the hill with our friends,
11:20 you know?
11:20 So now let's talk about what it robs you of.
11:22 Because when I say this to people who have kids,
11:26 people think I'm doing the grumpy old man thing.
11:29 In my day, you ran around and you scraped your knee and it didn't.
11:34 You know,
11:35 and I'm not trying to say that I believe that it's helping you assess risk.
11:39 I believe that it's helping you understand, you know, hierarchies.
11:42 It's helping you understand social dynamics.
11:44 It's it's preparing you for the world
11:45 that you're going to live in, is what I always say.
11:47 But but you've actually done the work and you've done the research.
11:50 So if a parent out there saying to you, oh, Jonathan, I, I don't want my kid
11:55 being bullied at a playground, I don't want them being punched by someone
11:58 or getting hurt.
11:59 They're going to fall off the bars and they're going to be like,
12:01 they're going to hurt their new how can I allow this?
12:03 What are they losing by not allowing this?
12:06 Yeah.
12:06 Well, let's start with the big picture, which is what is childhood for
12:10 and what is play for.
12:12 And because we're mammals, mammals have this
12:16 really interesting evolution of, of having much more investment in the child.
12:20 I mean, our women literally make food off of the skin of their chest and eat.
12:25 I know, you know, I know.
12:30 So so it's a huge sacrifice.
12:32 It's a it's a huge gift to the kids.
12:34 And so mammals have this long childhood.
12:36 And the reason what it does is it makes possible having a large brain
12:40 and especially really social mammals like like chimpanzees and humans.
12:44 How do you wire up that brain?
12:46 And that's why we have this very long childhood.
12:48 And the way you wire up a brain is by exploring, trying things and failing.
12:52 Explore, try, fail over and over and over again.
12:55 So when a kid tries to build a block tower, it falls over.
12:57 They do it again.
12:58 So, play build bench.
13:00 It's all the things you just said.
13:02 Once they master their, you know, building block towers and running and that stuff,
13:06 then it becomes social.
13:07 And it's exactly that.
13:08 It's basically these are the skills of democracy.
13:11 In a democracy, the whole idea is we are self-governing.
13:15 We make the rules ourselves.
13:17 We enforce them ourselves.
13:19 That was the amazing innovation of the American experiment.
13:21 It's called. And how do you learn to be self-governing?
13:24 By being self-governing as a child and so interesting.
13:28 So when the kids are on the playground, it's the things you said
13:32 they have to choose what to do.
13:33 Like what game should we play? Well, some of us want to play that well.
13:35 Let's work it out. Okay. We'll do yours today.
13:37 We'll do that one tomorrow.
13:39 You have to make the rules and you have to enforce the rules.
13:41 But that was out of bounds. No it wasn't. And you adjudicate it.
13:43 But what we've been training our kids
13:44 to do since the 90s, since we got them hyper supervised
13:48 all the time, is we're training them to report each other to the adult.
13:52 So there's a conflict.
13:53 He hit me. Yeah.
13:55 And that's training for authoritarianism.
13:57 There's always there's always an authority who will enforce things.
14:00 We don't have to work it out ourselves. Damn. Wow.
14:02 We're training kids.
14:05 That's like a primary relationship.
14:07 We really are. It sounds like we're priming them, right?
14:09 That that's a wild way to think of it, actually is.
14:12 Like you're not teaching them to be a part of a society.
14:15 You're teaching them to be a part of a monitored power.
14:17 Investiture. Yeah. Authority. That's right. Travis.
14:19 But you say that you also bring up in the book, Jonathan, is that,
14:23 this kind of rising intensive parenting,
14:25 like these super scheduled kids, right?
14:29 I'm. I'm guilty of this myself. Right?
14:31 So I don't want to pull myself out of the equation.
14:33 Like I think about my eldest son schedule right now, I'm like,
14:37 well, he's got something on Monday.
14:38 He's got piano on Wednesday.
14:40 Yeah, he swims three, four times a week, fortunately in the school.
14:44 And I'm a parent that's trying to not over schedule this child.
14:48 Right.
14:48 And then I'm like, and then my daughter, who's like 19 months, she's got a mom.
14:52 One day she's got music class lessons.
14:55 You know, they just singing songs in a circle.
14:57 She's got that on Tuesday, she's got park dates on Wednesday.
15:00 And it's like,
15:01 these are kids that have like sometimes my parents try and FaceTime me.
15:04 They're like weather kids. And I'm like, oh, they're at their thing.
15:06 So my mom was like, what things do children have?
15:09 I miss?
15:09 And I'm like, and then when I'm nights, I want them to play with other friends.
15:14 Their friends also have their schedules, the schedules, a classroom.
15:18 You listen when they get to a
15:19 and they get into ballet and they get into stuff like,
15:22 baseball, which is into and then the travel team,
15:25 even if I wanted to break out of the schedule
15:28 I'm already creating for for my kids,
15:31 there'd be no other kids for them to play for, because I think culturally,
15:34 all parents are over scheduling their children.
15:37 That's right.
15:38 There are two parenting styles they've been discovering.
15:40 They used to be class differentiated, but now they're not so much.
15:43 Yeah, and this is unequal childhoods.
15:45 I've forgotten the name of the sociologist who, who did this, but she put
15:49 she found in the 90s that sort of, you know, college educated cultures.
15:53 They did what she called concerted cultivation, parenting, concerted
15:57 cultivation. Yeah.
15:58 Like you're a little plant, and I'm going to do all these things.
16:01 I'm going to give you these experiences.
16:03 I'm going to, you know, make, you know, make you grow.
16:07 Whereas a working class families had what she called natural growth parenting,
16:11 which is, you know, the kids are running around,
16:13 they get into some trouble, they get out of trouble.
16:16 And so there used to be that class difference.
16:19 But what has been found in more recent research
16:21 is that now even middle class and working class were all doing
16:24 the concerted cultivation. And it's a constant race group.
16:26 That's right. Yes as well. That's right.
16:28 There's not any big race difference I found. That's right.
16:30 Yeah.
16:31 So we're basically denying children the main training they need in childhood.
16:35 And that's actually how I first got into this, was noticing
16:38 that the students who arrived on campus in 2014, 2015,
16:43 were different than anything we'd ever seen.
16:46 What was what were you noticed like, what was the different?
16:48 Very high rates of anxiety and depression.
16:50 They filled up the mental health centers.
16:53 They would sometimes be,
16:56 very anxious or, or even,
16:59 get upset if there was a speaker coming to campus that they didn't like.
17:02 They thought this could be dangerous.
17:03 And we're like, what do you mean, dangerous? Like, what do you mean?
17:05 You need a safe space.
17:07 But so this was so this was a distinct shift that you noticed.
17:10 So it wasn't like a gradual thing.
17:12 It was like all of a sudden, bam!
17:13 That's right, that's right.
17:15 Because we thought at the time that the students coming were millennials.
17:19 We thought the millennial generation starts in 1981.
17:22 We'll go maybe to 2000, we thought, but it turns out that if you're
17:25 born in 1996, you just on average, of course, there's huge difference.
17:29 Yeah. Yeah.
17:30 Right. On average, you're more anxious.
17:33 And so you come to school and now you see, like
17:36 someone has a very different opinion and you're like, you know, this is dangerous.
17:39 This is terrible. I don't I don't want to engage with this person.
17:42 And so that's how I first noticed it.
17:43 And so this is, it's, you know, just the things you guys are talking about.
17:46 It's like if you block the kids from having these interpersonal skills,
17:50 you put them into a space where they see more things as threatening.
17:53 They're not going to thrive in college.
17:55 In college, you need to be in discover module chapter on discover mode versus
17:59 defend mode.
18:00 And it's a very sudden switch.
18:01 Kids born in 1996 and later were more likely to be in defend mode.
18:05 It's interesting that you bring that up because I've often wondered
18:09 how much we devalue exposing children
18:14 to, you know, for lack of a better term, adverse events in life,
18:18 you know, and I think to myself, like when we're at the playground,
18:21 when we're kids and that they were they were kids, I didn't want to see
18:26 there were people you didn't.
18:27 You were like, oh God forbid that kid is there on the swing.
18:29 They're not going to let anyone swing or let them catch you swing.
18:32 They're going to start coming
18:33 and swinging you, and you won't be able to get off.
18:35 And then you have to jump and you might hurt yourself going to be a whole thing.
18:37 But what I didn't joy about it afterwards
18:41 was the fact that it taught me how to navigate these situations in life.
18:44 Right?
18:44 Because life is going to be filled
18:46 with people you don't agree with, or people who are making your life
18:49 adverse, or people who are you get I'm saying, yeah, it just creates it.
18:53 It creates a realistic expectation of what life is going to be,
18:56 whether you like it or not.
18:57 And it actually, I'm sure you've seen this.
19:00 I think it was Canada who you sort of like the surgeon general or something,
19:04 who said they're going to switch it up when it comes to children now.
19:07 They are now, encouraging
19:10 school rules and playgrounds and everything
19:13 to allow kids to engage in what they call, quote unquote, dangerous play.
19:16 Yeah. So they said they've sanitized playgrounds too much.
19:18 You know, like even
19:19 in America, for instance, there's playgrounds
19:21 that have like a soft, spongy ground, right?
19:23 A lot of them have that soft.
19:25 Do you know, they found that that's not good for kids.
19:27 Oh yeah. You know, I mean the crunchy pipeline.
19:29 Yeah. It's like it's terrible. It's terrible for you. Yeah.
19:31 This is because it's like falling is something that you need to learn.
19:34 You need to understand the consequences of falling. Yeah. Exactly.
19:37 And it also this is the part I didn't realize
19:40 I knew I would have thought intuitively.
19:42 Oh, yeah, it's good for kids to fall and know that falling can hurt them.
19:46 But what I didn't know was it encourages them to take risks and to
19:49 and to think of what risk means exactly.
19:51 Also learn how to fall well, which is oh yeah, to teach my son to do, like,
19:55 take your hands. Brace yourself. Yeah, yeah.
19:58 So Canada was able to do this because they have a wonderful researcher
20:01 professor at the university British Columbia named Mariana Personi.
20:05 And I talk about her work in, in chapter three of The Anxious Generation.
20:09 And she's been she's been pushing this for a long time,
20:12 that kids need risky play risk as a feature, not a bug of childhood.
20:16 And as she says, playgrounds should be as safe as necessary,
20:20 not as safe as possible.
20:21 Whereas in America, in part
20:23 because we have so many lawyers, everyone's afraid of being sued.
20:26 And so playground guidelines will say things like
20:29 there must not be exposed routes of a tree near the playground.
20:32 Oh wow. Because the kids might trip,
20:35 which of course teaches them to expect no obstacles.
20:38 Everything should be clear and easy and safe.
20:40 And then you go out into the world and it's full of obstacles.
20:43 And so that's part of the reason, we think, why the kids began to freak out.
20:47 Those who were born in 1995, they weren't prepared for life.
20:50 I often think that when I when I look at dating
20:54 for younger generations now and I'm often intrigued by how
20:57 they'll see dating and not all of them, but oftentimes
21:02 they'll see dating as a, you know, it's like a binary
21:06 that's failed.
21:07 It was bad and it was good.
21:09 Like, you know, red flags like that type of thing.
21:12 And then I always say to people, I go, well, I think
21:14 because dating is still interpersonal communication
21:17 and interpersonal relationships, they're going to be bumps.
21:20 You know, there's going to be bumps.
21:22 So when people are that's a red flag. Yeah.
21:23 Everyone is a red flag.
21:25 There are no no red flags.
21:27 Did you give them saying.
21:28 But the red flag does not mean that you shouldn't be doing the thing.
21:31 It just means that this is something that you might need to be aware of.
21:33 It's the roots. And I love.
21:34 I love that you said that because it's like,
21:36 do we want kids to live in a world where there are no roots,
21:40 which isn't going to be the world,
21:41 or do we want to prepare them for a world where there may be roots?
21:44 And so they learn what tripping means, they learn what falling means,
21:47 and they learn what getting back up means. That's right.
21:49 And this is the dilemma that we're in as parents,
21:51 because we love our children, we see something bad happened to them.
21:55 We see kids picking on them or excluding them.
21:57 We want to swoop in.
21:58 And it used to be when we were out away from our home,
22:01 they couldn't swoop in because they weren't there.
22:03 But now either they're there or they're we're all connected by text
22:06 or they're tracking us.
22:08 And so a question I would
22:09 ask is for everybody to think that, okay, you've got three young kids.
22:12 What is the ideal number of times that you want each of your children
22:15 to be excluded socially by the time they reach 18.
22:19 Is it zero?
22:19 Do you hope that they're never excluded
22:21 from anything and suffer the pain of exclusion?
22:23 Or would you like it to happen, you know, several times a month or.
22:27 I mean, it depends who's excluding them.
22:29 Honestly, there's some people I don't want my kids around.
22:32 It's like, if people don't want to hang with you
22:35 because you don't want to do the things that they're doing that
22:37 are perhaps not very good, I'd be like, oh, I'm doing a good job.
22:40 You should probably be. It's a good lesson.
22:42 If it's consequences of maybe somebody hitting
22:45 or being mean, I would, I would want that to be an occurrence.
22:49 Do you know what I mean?
22:49 So I wouldn't want it to happen all the time.
22:51 I don't know, one of my kids was struggling with, making friends.
22:54 And I remember really they were they were into parallel play
22:58 for a longer time than they should be.
23:01 They were struggling with cooperative.
23:03 Okay.
23:04 When I'd go and pick them up and the teacher would say,
23:07 oh, they played alone today.
23:08 It really but I like I yeah, maybe it's my ego, but I was like,
23:13 I don't know, I don't want to play in a lonely way.
23:14 How old were they at the time?
23:16 They were, they'd just turn three.
23:18 And so like the the thought of my kids being alone does scare me a bit.
23:24 So of course it scares me.
23:25 So when you say how many times
23:26 you want them to be excluded, not so much that it would give them a complex,
23:31 but enough that they would know that, oh, you have a responsibility
23:34 to other people. That's right.
23:36 So the principle of inoculation is really powerful here.
23:38 We all understand the immune system now, especially since Covid, that if you're
23:42 exposed to a little bit of something, your body then develops antibodies to it.
23:46 It learns how to how to defend against it.
23:49 And so that's this is called anti fragility.
23:51 There's a couple of words from anti fragility.
23:53 If we think our kids are fragile then we're going to protect them.
23:56 We don't want them excluded. It'll hurt. They might traumatize them.
23:59 But if we realize that they're the opposite of fragile,
24:01 that they actually they need to fall down.
24:03 They need to be excluded sometimes to feel the pain of exclusion.
24:07 This then causes in them first a better understanding
24:09 of how to be included and excluded, and sympathy
24:12 for the other kids who are excluded because they know what that pain is like.
24:15 So in all these ways, these negative childhood experiences are essential.
24:19 Not to be clear, bullying, especially if it goes on for multiple days,
24:22 that's the most horrible thing.
24:23 And there's no evidence that that's beneficial.
24:26 But conflict is normal.
24:27 The kids have to learn how to conflict and cooperation.
24:30 They go together.
24:31 We're going to continue this conversation right after this short
24:34 break.
24:41 And Jonathan, I want to ask, and this is
24:44 maybe a controversial question, but like me and my sisters, we were kids.
24:47 We used to fight, like me, I have two sisters.
24:50 We we day who has scratch hunt.
24:53 Oh my God, we were they used to call us the the Jungle girls.
24:56 Yes. Yeah. Hope these were not white people.
24:58 Know what you didn't know? It was like my. It was.
25:01 It was my uncle not. Yeah. Because otherwise he's like yeah.
25:04 Oh man. We were in trouble. We would have these like what?
25:06 You took my top bow.
25:07 I was, it was.
25:08 I mean now that doesn't happen right.
25:11 And I think about this like role of violence among children.
25:15 Now if a child hits another child like it's
25:18 you can be suspended, you can be excluded and you're on the track to occupational
25:22 and behavioral therapy.
25:23 Yeah.
25:24 Which is a it's a very normal primal response.
25:26 What do you think about like the role of violence.
25:29 And now that like the absence of even like pushing and pulling
25:32 and things that kids just used to do to land limits.
25:35 Yeah.
25:35 Is that something you think it's good that we've lost it completely?
25:38 Well, what do you think is so has a place you describe it as violence?
25:40 I'm not going to say that.
25:42 Oh, there's a kids need violence.
25:43 I would never say that.
25:45 But we're mammals.
25:46 We love rough and tumble play.
25:48 When I was a kid, one of the, you know, like, what do you want to do?
25:50 She play this with you? You want to wrestle? Sure. Let's wrestle.
25:52 And you just, like, go at it and we try to pin each other,
25:55 and and, you know, so kids are physical and if you ban, you know, some schools,
25:59 I've heard you have to have a no touch policy.
26:00 You can't touch another child. Yeah. And it's for boys.
26:02 I think it's affecting a lot of boys. That's right.
26:05 And I don't want to be stereotypical, but like the roughhousing
26:08 that a lot of boys want to engage in is being really demonized.
26:12 And boys don't know how to like, I think especially between like three and 11,
26:18 they don't know how to engage in play with other kids right now.
26:22 That's right.
26:22 So when so you have a son and then two boys, the son and the two daughters.
26:25 Okay.
26:26 So when we look across mammal species, especially across
26:30 primates, the young males do a lot more rough and tumble play.
26:33 They wrestle more.
26:34 That's just a,
26:35 you know, it's a biological differences, in effect
26:36 that prenatal testosterone has on the brain.
26:39 And what we've done in our schools is in the 1980s, we freaked out
26:42 about how American test scores were behind those of some other nations.
26:46 There was a report, Nation at Risk.
26:47 Oh, we need to get rid of most of, you know, recess and art and
26:51 and summer vacation.
26:52 Let's, you know, lengthen the school year, give them more math, more science.
26:56 And this was especially bad for boys.
26:58 And this is when boys began to drop out.
27:00 Yeah.
27:01 Boys don't do well just sitting and listening.
27:04 They they're they're more physical.
27:06 They they're more, more subject to ADHD, for one thing.
27:09 And so schools are becoming increasingly non receptive or hostile to boys even.
27:15 And I would say having an absolute ban on any sort of pushing or physical,
27:19 that would be really bad for boys.
27:21 I think we're seeing the consequences
27:23 of that with like boys not really being a big feature on college campuses.
27:27 Yeah.
27:27 But just seeing like education attainment and employment attainment is going down,
27:31 especially for Gen Z men. Exactly.
27:33 They seem like almost like a lost generation.
27:35 That's right.
27:36 So so much the attention is on girls and in the book I focused especially
27:40 on the data showing that social media is particularly harmful for girls.
27:44 And that's actually what got me into the book, was that was the
27:46 those were the scientific findings that were most solid.
27:48 That sort of got me studying that.
27:50 And I thought the story of the book was going to be especially social media's
27:53 Hurting Girls, and I didn't know what the story was for boys.
27:56 When I started the book, I thought, is it going to be video games?
27:58 Is that going to be the same thing for and what we learned,
28:01 and this is work I did with Zach Roush, the lead researcher on the book.
28:04 We drew on a wonderful book by Richard Reid.
28:06 There's a book called Of Boys and Men.
28:08 Okay.
28:08 And he is really leading the charge,
28:11 for a totally non politicized, effort to help boys because, of course,
28:16 you know, everything gets in this country, every, every culture war, every kid.
28:20 Anyway, the point is
28:22 the story that we took from Richard and adding on a lot more about technology
28:26 is that boys, of course, used to dominate the world, was made for boys and men.
28:30 But as as societies change, as physical strength
28:33 no longer matters so much as America shifts to a service economy.
28:37 That's bad for men, good for women.
28:39 So that's great that women are rising up.
28:41 But but, as schools and workplaces are becoming
28:45 less hospitable to men, they're investing less of their effort.
28:48 And boys are about six months
28:50 to a year behind girls anyway, especially for emotional development.
28:54 And so girls are, are outperforming boys
28:56 at every level from kindergarten through PhD. Wow.
28:59 There's more girls who are succeeding.
29:01 More girls going on at every level.
29:03 So boys are dropping out.
29:04 But at the same time that they were dropping out in the 80s
29:07 and 90s, the technological world was getting amazing.
29:10 So when I was a kid in the 70s, the only video game that you could play
29:14 at home was pong was when you, you know, you're younger than me,
29:16 what video games that you have on you.
29:17 So the first games I was playing, I would say was around like,
29:22 what was it was asteroid, I think was what I was playing with.
29:25 That was an old one.
29:26 Yeah, yeah. Asteroids were the thing.
29:27 And then I was stepping
29:28 into the generation of, let's say, when I was at a gaming age,
29:31 like, that's when it's like Mario, Super Mario Brothers, you know, Street Fight,
29:35 all of all of these things are happening. Mortal Kombat.
29:37 Yeah, contra, Mortal Kombat, Sonic, etc.
29:40 that's now you in like the the prime time of images
29:44 moving across a screen in a way that looks quote unquote, real.
29:48 That's right.
29:48 So so the video games are getting better and better now at this.
29:52 When you were growing up, the porn was still on paper.
29:54 There wasn't porn on your computer.
29:55 Could you find it anywhere?
29:57 You just you've just tapped into my childhood.
30:00 You could not find it anywhere.
30:02 This was because he didn't have an older brother anything?
30:04 Oh, no, I was the older brother.
30:06 I was the pioneer you couldn't find. Let me tell you something.
30:08 I try to explain this to my younger brothers now,
30:11 and I often say to them, I go, I am not against porn.
30:15 I think the porn industry is terrible in many ways, but against
30:18 porn itself, I think it's as old as time.
30:21 However, I think we have too much porn now and I think we have too much access
30:25 to porn. Right?
30:26 So for me, porn was like this magical thing you would bump into it.
30:31 Was this unattainable?
30:33 There would be a
30:33 magazine in a random store somewhere that had it on a shelf wrapped in plastic,
30:37 so you couldn't even see what was happening.
30:39 That that was porn.
30:40 So yes, to your point, video games?
30:41 Yes. Porn. No. Okay. Right.
30:43 But let's trace it out
30:44 now for people younger than you, suppose you're born in the late 90s.
30:47 Well, the multiplayer video games only come in after we get high speed internet.
30:52 So it's only the late 2000, 2008, 2009 that you really beginning
30:56 to get these incredible multiplayer games where you're in your house
31:00 with your headset and this avatar on the screen with, you're amazing,
31:04 and they go through many product iterations, cycles to figure out
31:09 what can we do, what's the point structure to keep boys on the longest?
31:13 Because if we keep them on, they don't go to another platform.
31:16 So, you know, the dose makes the poison.
31:19 So when you get these incredibly immersive games that are designed
31:22 to keep you on you and for boys, if you, you know, after school,
31:26 if you want to play with your friends, you can't go over to their house.
31:28 No, you have to go home so that you can be on your headset.
31:31 So the boys are having fun, they're enjoying the video games,
31:35 and once you get high speed internet, you get porn.
31:37 Not just pictures, but video.
31:39 Anyone can go on Pornhub.
31:41 There's no identification.
31:42 You click a button, you click a button that says you are over 80,
31:46 which I know I'll take it.
31:47 By the way, I love that you pointed out
31:50 how flimsy and fake
31:53 the checks and the protections are,
31:55 which is a paradox to, you know, to what you're saying.
31:58 It's the same generation that won't let their child go down a slide
32:03 that is beyond a certain degree of angle because they've deemed it unsafe
32:06 and there's no roots of a tree.
32:08 But then at the same time, your child can go into a world
32:11 that can completely obliterate their brain and the way that they see themselves
32:15 if they just click a button. Yeah.
32:17 That's right.
32:18 The way to understand how we got into this insane situation
32:21 is to trace it out from the 90s on.
32:24 So when the internet came out in 1994 was when I first saw a web browser,
32:29 it was miraculous.
32:31 I mean, it
32:31 was like God came down to us and said, do you want to know everything instantly?
32:35 Type it in, you get an answer.
32:37 We're like, are you kidding me?
32:39 This is amazing.
32:41 And so the early internet really was amazing and your generation grew up, you,
32:45 you know, you were a kid when the first internet came out
32:47 and you played on in all sorts of ways.
32:49 I'm sure some bad stuff happened, but your day wasn't
32:52 dominated by a few companies that were experts at addicting you.
32:56 Yeah. They did. Yeah. So you could wander around.
32:58 You saw a lot of stuff.
32:59 You saw some bad stuff, but it was mostly good stuff.
33:01 And it was also really slow.
33:02 Yes, I think web browsing would be like friction, you know, forget it.
33:06 That's right.
33:07 And the other thing that happened in the 90s was,
33:09 as you get the fall of the Berlin Wall and the spread of democracy,
33:12 and then you get the rise of the internet, we're all convinced
33:16 that the internet is going to be the best thing ever to happen to democracy.
33:19 You know what dictator could possibly oppose the people connected in this way?
33:24 And you go all the way from, you know, the 90s all the way through the Arab Spring.
33:27 We still think that,
33:28 we still think by 2011, 2012, we still think oh the internet's amazing.
33:32 It's great for democracy.
33:33 And we're still thinking, I think it's good for kids.
33:36 I mean, it's the future.
33:37 I mean, the kids need to be on it because like, that's the technology.
33:41 So as late as 2012, 2013, we're still all techno optimists.
33:44 And so, you know, we kind of know that our kids,
33:46 all you have to do is click a button and you can be talking to strange men.
33:48 There was this did you ever see a Omegle? It was.
33:51 There was a site.
33:52 It was like it was motto was talk to strangers.
33:55 Oh, wow. Yeah.
33:56 And a lot of them were naked men masturbating
33:58 and trying to find kids to talk to, to masturbate.
34:01 And so a lot of, you know, 11, 12 year old girls remember these experiences.
34:05 Yeah.
34:05 And the fact that we're so careful about letting our kids to a place
34:10 where maybe some men
34:11 will molest them, like Boy Scouts or anything else, we're so afraid,
34:15 you know, or the playground.
34:16 The child molesters are not at the playground.
34:18 That's too dangerous. They're all on Instagram.
34:20 They're all on Snapchat.
34:21 That's where you can use a fake name, find kids, get them to send you a photograph.
34:26 And once they send you a photograph, you've got them.
34:28 You can now extort them.
34:29 So terrible things are happening to our kids online.
34:32 And you know, I think we're finally it's finally coming to us.
34:35 The internet is actually overall a pretty risky place.
34:38 We let adults do what they want and take the risks.
34:41 But my God, how the hell are these companies able to get to
34:44 my kids and your kids without our knowledge or consent?
34:48 We need to have some age getting on the internet
34:50 or we can't just let kids wander on it.
34:53 Yeah, I just want to go back to the boys piece
34:55 because I feel very invested because one, I have a son
34:59 and two, I have two daughters, and this affects the husband market.
35:02 Yeah.
35:02 20 something years from now.
35:03 Yes. Right.
35:04 No it does. It's like everything.
35:06 Yeah, yeah.
35:07 Just being true. And I'm like, you know.
35:09 So it's just going to be a seller's market.
35:11 It's going to be the boys that are functional.
35:12 I don't know what's going to happen.
35:14 What did that pornography exposure
35:17 and the excessive gaming and the use of social media.
35:20 Yeah.
35:21 And the absence of play due to boys in particular
35:23 in a way that it didn't do to go. Yeah.
35:25 Because girls also can watch porn. Yeah. You know what I mean.
35:27 But there are almost no girls who are having a porn problem.
35:30 They're almost no girls who are addicted are watching it every day.
35:33 Do we know why?
35:34 Yeah.
35:35 I mean, you know, the evolutionary speculation is there's a whole bunch
35:39 of research on on differences in mate searching and selection.
35:43 And, you know, men are more attracted to youth and visual.
35:46 And so there's all kinds of reasons why this would be.
35:49 But you find this over and over again.
35:50 It's just the nature of male sexual and female sexual.
35:53 Whether you're gay or straight doesn't really matter.
35:54 It's males, you know, it's a male female is just different about visual stuff.
35:58 In any case, the way to understand what's happening to boys
36:00 I've come to see really more since writing the book is imagine your
36:04 your boy is out there in the world, and these sort of these fishhooks
36:08 come down from the sky and they've got all kinds of bait on them.
36:12 So the first hook is video games.
36:13 And then your little older down comes incredible porn.
36:17 And so I get, you know, some boys can just enjoy it with no problem.
36:20 But again you find usually between 5 and 15% for each of these get addicted.
36:24 They have a behavioral addiction. And then they get a little older.
36:27 They find ways to gamble even before they're 18.
36:29 And that's all set up to catch. Boys.
36:31 You got the crypto investing.
36:32 You got stock investing.
36:33 All of this gamified for boys.
36:35 And when you got the vaping and the marijuana pins and all of that.
36:38 And so imagine a boy whose day is filled mostly with video games, porn,
36:44 you know, watching,
36:46 TikTok and YouTube videos, especially the very short videos
36:49 and a lot of the For the boys, their feeds often have a lot of violence.
36:52 They often have, you know,
36:53 funny videos of people falling out a window, like ten stories and dying.
36:56 Yeah, like, or being run over by a car, things like that.
36:59 And so imagine if that's what your boy does for half the day.
37:03 His brain, his dopamine system, the route, the reward,
37:06 motivation, pathways respond by by dampening down
37:11 so that they require more stimulation just to be normal.
37:14 Which is why if you take your if your son is is playing
37:17 a lot of video games, you take him away.
37:18 If he becomes anxious and irritable and possibly even violent,
37:22 that's a definite sign of dopamine change that your boy's brain has been change.
37:26 Now it'll change back.
37:27 But what happens if boys are doing this from the age of five through 18?
37:33 Those might be permanent. We don't know.
37:34 But there's a good reason to think that if you go through puberty
37:37 with these distortions of your dopamine system, that it could
37:41 well change the way you are for the rest of your life. And the way you'd see it
37:44 is that everything off of the screen is more boring.
37:47 So the you boy comes into class now, half of the school day
37:50 or third of the school day is on a screen nowadays, which is horrible.
37:53 And that's a Covid thing.
37:55 But what we're finding is
37:56 that kids are having a lot of trouble paying attention to anything.
37:59 It's not on the screen, and it's because their brains have been gamified
38:02 and the dopamine circuits have been changed.
38:04 You know, I think of, you know, personal anecdotes.
38:08 I, I've played video games my whole life,
38:12 and our version of multiplayer used to be
38:14 you'd have to be at somebody's house and there were splits next to each other.
38:17 Yeah, but it's socially you it so much farther.
38:20 That's for the screen.
38:21 And you hung out together and you literally were in the same room,
38:24 and they would find a way to put you all on that.
38:26 You know, I think Mario Kart still does it, like Nintendo, in my opinion.
38:29 Might be the healthiest gaming company out there.
38:31 So I didn't play these games. Covid hits.
38:34 We all locked up, and then a few friends of mine said, hey, we played this game.
38:39 Call of Duty Warzone.
38:40 I was like, I haven't played Call of Duty in years.
38:41 I'm not really a big first person shooter guy.
38:43 What have I got on?
38:45 Let me tell you something.
38:46 Even say now it's like my friends, because I.
38:48 I've made friends from around the world because of this game.
38:51 But many of them who are a little bit younger will go like, hey, where are you
38:54 now? Where am I go, guys,
38:56 the only reason I'm not addicted to this game the way you are,
38:58 the only saving grace
39:00 was that I've experienced grass in my life before this game came,
39:03 but I don't understand how anyone would not be fully addicted to this.
39:07 That's right. Because I come from a hybrid childhood,
39:11 half of my childhood
39:12 is swing, seesaw, jungle, gym, adventure, merry go round.
39:16 That in my brain is still like a lot of fun
39:18 even when I walk past playgrounds now, which I don't dare.
39:21 You want to spin? I just look at it.
39:22 I actually think it's terrible that adults can't just go and swing on things.
39:26 I'm just going to put it out there.
39:27 But anyway, I still look at that with like a oh man, that's a fun place.
39:31 But if you as you're saying, Jonathan, if you if you're the now generation,
39:35 let me tell you something. I sat on that console.
39:37 I've spent an embarrassing amount of money playing these games
39:41 because to what you're saying, they use the they use a drug dealer model.
39:45 Brilliant.
39:46 First and foremost, the game's free now.
39:48 They never used to do that in my day to pay for the game.
39:50 So you just download the game games free.
39:52 A cool fortnight. Free for free. Go, go. Take it.
39:55 Oh what was on free?
39:56 Every one of it. Take it.
39:57 Take the game, play it.
39:59 And then what?
40:00 They do
40:01 is they just like, sort of like just give you these little drops of dopamine,
40:04 as you say.
40:04 It sounds upgrades, levels and you're trying to get
40:08 some when you're trying to unlock a new gun or skin a pack.
40:11 And then they deny it all the time, but some of them are better than others.
40:14 And so now you're going, I'm getting left behind and you're competitive.
40:17 So you want.
40:17 And the amount of time and money that young boys will spend in this world,
40:22 where now to your point, your whole community exists.
40:24 Yeah. That's right.
40:25 If you're not in that world, you don't have a community now.
40:29 Yeah.
40:29 You know, but now if you if you get left behind in that world,
40:33 you also don't have a community.
40:34 So now you have to pay to stay a part of your community.
40:37 And so now these kids, who I can only imagine are raiding their parents
40:41 credit cards or like finding ways to get money
40:44 because the game perpetually wants from you.
40:47 And if you talk to game companies now, they'll say, oh no, but it's free to play.
40:50 And it's like, yeah, that's the same thing.
40:52 Just give us your soul. Exactly.
40:54 But Jonathan, you say something in the book about the importance
40:57 of communities that have a cost to join and a cost to leave and are also embodied.
41:02 So you need to physically be there.
41:04 And these video games are the opposite of that because it's free to.
41:07 Yeah, it's free to join, to join free.
41:10 And it's not embodied.
41:11 And those things are really, really terrible for like a growing and emerging.
41:16 Yeah. So what does what does that do.
41:17 So let's say you are a parent of boys listening to this right now.
41:20 Or you may be one of those boys tell us why it's so bad
41:23 because I, I in Covid, for instance, I loved it.
41:27 And then now because it's not in my life in the same way, like literally
41:30 I think this morning
41:31 a friend sent me a link, one of the crew, and he was like, oh, they bring him back.
41:34 Verdansk, are you coming? And I was like, we'll see.
41:36 I don't know, but but for somebody who's really in it and they go, no, Jonathan,
41:40 this is my community, my life, I have fun, I enjoy myself, I see nothing wrong.
41:44 What is the wrong that we may not be seeing?
41:47 So, so girls really thrive.
41:50 If they have a couple of close friends,
41:52 they tend to get together in small groups and talk.
41:54 Boys tend to choose larger groups, and then they'll break up into teams
41:58 to do sports or competition.
42:00 That's what kids do when they can do what they want.
42:03 And with the girls, what happened was once
42:05 they all got onto Instagram, now it's not just you and a couple friends.
42:09 Now you're communicating with all these so many more people.
42:12 And we thought maybe ten, 15 years.
42:14 Well, maybe this is good.
42:15 They're super connected,
42:17 but it turns out that if you if you're having hundreds
42:19 and hundreds of communications each day with lots of people,
42:22 then there's no time for you to have those close friendships.
42:25 And so for the girls, social media seems to connect them virtually,
42:29 but at the cost of connecting them in real life.
42:31 And so the girls got lonely.
42:33 Even the social media supposed to be.
42:34 So, you know, it's supposed to help you find community.
42:38 But the girls get lonely, lonelier once they get on it.
42:42 With boys, the video games are better
42:44 than social media in that at least it's synchronous.
42:47 That is, if you know.
42:49 So me and my son, we finally let them have Fortnite when Covid started.
42:51 I'm very glad we did because that was the only way
42:54 that the boys were getting together.
42:55 Yeah, and I would hear him laughing his head off with his headphones on.
42:59 So at least for the boys,
43:02 what they're doing is at least synchronous.
43:03 And so that's good.
43:04 And they're laughing, which is good.
43:06 But what we're seeing now
43:08 is that there's really something special about being together in person.
43:12 A lot of us, we've seen this since Covid.
43:13 Now, you know, like what we're doing now.
43:15 Like I've done a lot of interviews on zoom.
43:16 Like, this is so much more fun to be sitting.
43:18 Yeah. You say that. Yeah.
43:20 That's what we've been talking about. That's why we did this.
43:22 Because we go like you.
43:23 Nobody we haven't been able to quantify it.
43:26 Right.
43:27 And I you know, I know people be like, oh but we can do it over zoom.
43:30 And it's efficient.
43:30 And I think this is what I think people have missed.
43:32 And I know I was guilty of it at some point as well.
43:35 Yes, it is more efficient.
43:36 It is way more efficient to have a meeting over zoom
43:39 or to run your whole business day from zoom.
43:40 It is more efficient.
43:42 However, there's something we forget.
43:44 Life is not only about efficiency.
43:46 Life is not only about getting from point A to point B as quickly as possible.
43:49 Yeah, life is about sharing connections with other human beings,
43:53 sharing a vibrancy, sharing a resonance, sharing a frequency.
43:56 It's literally about that.
43:58 And people don't realize this and I'm sure you've experienced it.
44:01 Think of all the zoom meetings you've had
44:04 and think of how little connection you you share with the people, right?
44:09 There's very little fluff.
44:11 And I think we forget
44:13 and I've often said this, look, I think most of us work is fake and it's fine.
44:17 I don't care about that.
44:18 I think it's good that it's fake, because I think
44:19 people just need to come together and have a purpose.
44:22 But the thing that makes the meeting, the meeting
44:25 is, yes, there's a little bit of work, but it's more just about these people
44:29 coming together, looking into each other's eyes, which I think helps us as people.
44:33 Yeah.
44:33 And we see microexpressions and we, we regulate each other
44:37 and we laugh together and we get sad together, and then we think together.
44:41 And that collective ness of people, I think we lose.
44:45 And so if you're right,
44:46 if we were having this conversation over zoom, you give us information,
44:49 but you give us no feeling and we give you no feeling, and we don't,
44:53 you know, and I think we have yet it's almost impossible to quantify.
44:58 But I love that you said that.
44:59 So now my my brain is going really fast here because I'm making connections.
45:03 I wish I had this in the book in, in in my book The Righteous Mind,
45:08 I cover the work of Michael Tomasello on joint attention.
45:12 And he,
45:12 Tomasello did this amazing work with children and chimpanzees,
45:16 and he found that even though chimpanzees are really smart, and when you compare
45:21 a chimpanzee to a two year old child, it's solving physical task like using tools.
45:26 Three equal.
45:27 But when you have a social task about like the experimenter
45:31 gives you a signal like open, like look at that cup, it's there.
45:35 The reward is under that cup, not that one.
45:37 The monkeys have no clue that the apes have no clue.
45:40 They don't take signals, whereas the kids are communicating
45:44 even before they can speak.
45:45 They understand what is being communicated.
45:47 And he points out, and I think this is really important here.
45:50 He points out that we have this ability to do joint attention, which is where like
45:53 right now, we are all totally aware that we are doing a podcast together. Yes.
45:58 And we all kind of know we're dividing the labor and we're taking turns.
46:01 Yes, all of that is happening like so.
46:04 Tomasello says it is inconceivable that you would ever see two chimps
46:08 carrying a log together
46:09 so they could easily escape from their enclosure
46:11 if they could pick up a log and go.
46:13 And they're brilliant as individual, but they can't do things together.
46:16 So we humans, we have this magical ability
46:18 and you know this, if you know you traveled a lot.
46:21 Sometimes you're in a country, you don't speak the language,
46:23 but you can still kind of like, yes, you can still kind of.
46:26 Yeah. Because we're all we are all. Yeah.
46:28 I think he probably is trying to find out what do you. Yeah.
46:31 So we just joint attention.
46:33 And it just occurred to me now is you were talking about zoom.
46:35 Zoom that kills that like you don't. Yeah.
46:38 I mean, you don't you don't. At least you don't have it as much.
46:40 And then you bring it back to the kids.
46:42 You know, my son is laughing his head off,
46:44 but he wasn't in the room with anyone else.
46:46 And so I think there's really something missing.
46:48 You don't have the joint attention and the share.
46:51 The shared laughter is not as good. Yeah, not in the room.
46:58 Now it's time for a
46:58 segment we call where in the world brought to you by Uber.
47:02 Whether it's your best friend's wedding or your niece's first ballet recital,
47:06 UVA is on their way so you can show up for what matters most.
47:11 So, Trevor, where are you right now?
47:14 I'm in South Africa, South Africa,
47:17 Johannesburg, Jozi, Maboneng.
47:22 I want to call it.
47:23 I want to whistle. Yeah, you should.
47:25 You probably need to do that.
47:30 Some people say Joburg don't ever do that.
47:32 Whoever you are, whoever started Joburg.
47:34 If I find you, I'm going to hurt you.
47:37 There's a random I don't know.
47:39 How do you say Jose Joe?
47:40 But you say Jose, you say Johannesburg.
47:43 Don't say Joburg.
47:44 Whoever this person is, just please don't do that.
47:48 It's like saying.
47:48 It's like saying, are you from NY city?
47:53 Just don't do that.
47:55 Yeah.
47:55 I was like, if ChatGPT became a human, are you nice?
48:02 Oh yeah. Yeah. You like this is weird.
48:04 Yeah, but it's been good.
48:05 I've been with my people, eating my food.
48:08 I started cooking. Have you ever heard of Bob?
48:10 I started cooking, Bob.
48:11 What is that?
48:12 It's like our version.
48:13 Our maize dish.
48:14 I it's I am right.
48:17 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then we use maize meal for hours.
48:19 So I've been doing that.
48:21 I've become, like fufu.
48:23 It's exactly fufu actually for food. Yeah.
48:24 It's the same thing. Yeah. It's pretty much exactly food.
48:26 So you been, like, on the stove, like pounding?
48:29 No, I found it.
48:30 I found, I found an automatic, Oh, my God.
48:33 Trevor, Trevor, come on, you're not making it.
48:36 Then you're not making it. That's no real.
48:38 Wow. No, there's no real.
48:40 How quickly we went from joy to judgment.
48:42 No. You need to make it the way the grandmothers made it outside
48:47 the real deal.
48:48 Yeah. And then I don't know.
48:51 I mean, you're right, but I don't know.
48:53 I don't have the forearm strength that my grandmother had.
48:55 You have like,
48:56 you have to have, like a specific technique
48:57 when you're making any type of maize related.
49:01 You. Yeah. It's I know, you know what?
49:04 I feel like you've guilted me enough, and now I'll try.
49:06 In fact, right off to this, I'm going to try.
49:09 Well, that was today's where in the world brought to you by Uber
49:11 with is your best friend's wedding or your niece's first ballet recital?
49:15 UVA is on their way so you can show up for what matters most.
49:19 Uber on our way.
49:25 Can I tell you,
49:26 the most fun we had during Covid
49:29 was, you know, like everyone was in the bubble phase.
49:32 The most fun we had and this I stole from
49:35 my younger days was they used to be,
49:38 what they called internet cafes when I was growing up.
49:41 And these were little stores that had a bunch of computers
49:45 connected to the internet because you couldn't get internet at home.
49:49 And what would happen is people would host gaming tournaments there.
49:53 And that I found was the perfect hybrid.
49:55 Right?
49:55 So but what I did for the Covid thing was because we were already in a bubble,
49:59 okay?
49:59 And my bubble people, we put all our PlayStations
50:02 in the same room in the same room, and we connected them up.
50:06 Let me tell you some. All that laughter.
50:09 You you thought you were laughing before.
50:11 Yeah.
50:12 And I will encourage any parent who has kids who play these games
50:15 like don't kill the thing. Don't try and find the hybrid.
50:18 I know it's going to be work. I know it's going to be a mission.
50:20 But I promise you now put these kids in the same room,
50:23 still with them screens, little monitors and the video game consoles.
50:27 Put them in the same room doing the same thing.
50:29 Yeah, the exponential gain in connection, laughter, love,
50:34 joy, everything that you experience, I can't even like I can't because.
50:39 Because what this is what I realized it does is
50:42 it reminds you that the connection is not coming from
50:44 the game, it's coming from the people you are playing the game with.
50:47 That's what the game should be, a sort of a thing
50:49 that brings you together in person.
50:50 That's what I felt every time I took off the headset and I turned off the console.
50:55 There was a deep sadness I felt because I was like,
50:58 my community's gone because they were during Covid.
51:01 But when I had the bubble and we did that, it was like over the Christmas period,
51:05 you turn off the console and now you went and sat on the couch together.
51:08 You people I know, we laughed and we talk and it reminded me that no, no, no,
51:11 no the community was the thing.
51:13 The game was just something we did together. Okay.
51:14 So let's let's bring in Bob Putnam because I listened to your conversation.
51:17 Yeah, yeah. You're right.
51:18 I was so good. I mean, he is he is absolutely.
51:20 He's phenomenal.
51:21 So so for everybody listening, he wrote the famous book Bowling Alone.
51:26 And so, you know, we social science, we all love his work.
51:30 We've been citing him for, you know, certainly for 25 years.
51:33 His work is really important here because, you know, Putnam describes
51:36 how up through the mid 70s, America had a lot of social capital, a lot of trust.
51:40 So even though there's a lot of crime, we all played outside. Yeah.
51:43 And you know, we all knew like if I wipe out on my bicycle
51:46 and badly hurt, my friend could knock on any door and say, can you call his mom?
51:50 Yeah.
51:50 But after the 70s begins declining our trust in each other.
51:54 And so the reason we don't let
51:55 our kids out in the 90s is not because the world is getting more dangerous
51:59 and safer. It's because we're losing trust in our neighbors.
52:01 We're losing the sense of community.
52:03 And once we lose the sense of community, the sense that all of us are
52:06 at least a little bit responsible for other people's kids
52:09 now, it's like as we just as we joked about, like, you know,
52:13 you say, I walk by a playground like, oh no, you, you're a man.
52:16 You can't go near a playground, you're going to molest a child. Yes. Yeah.
52:19 So as we all freaked out about that,
52:21 and it's not that there was nothing to freak out about,
52:23 but boy, did we overdo it by saying, like, let's just not get involved
52:26 in anyone else's child.
52:27 Now it falls all on the mother.
52:29 Now the responsibility falls, especially on the mother.
52:33 And if a kid is seen playing outside without supervision,
52:37 all the blame goes to the mother.
52:38 How dare you? How so? He could be.
52:39 That was a recent case where a woman sent her child to get miss or something.
52:43 Yeah, and I think she was arrested.
52:45 Yeah.
52:45 She was always put in jail, which was insane.
52:48 The boy was ten. Yeah. And she didn't even send him.
52:51 The boy was ten, and he decided to walk,
52:54 you know, a little bit to a store, which someone said it to her, by the way.
52:57 That's like, oh, I'm going to go to the store.
52:59 Yeah. That's right.
53:00 So, so a lot of the fear in America is not just of abduction.
53:03 Some people are afraid of abduction, which is almost unheard of in this country.
53:08 But others of us are afraid that a neighbor will call the police.
53:11 So it's safer. It's safer. It just seems right.
53:14 But it's funny you say this,
53:17 I. And I'm always cautious in how I say this, but I.
53:20 But I feel like Americans really need to be aware of this.
53:23 So much of what America is experiencing and doing right now
53:27 is akin to what you would hear in like, communist,
53:30 like Soviet, you know, USSR times, like it was like
53:34 it was like neighbor might call the police on you and your it was all about that.
53:38 It was all about like it wasn't just that the public was surveilling you,
53:41 it was that you didn't know who even your family was surveilling you.
53:44 It was.
53:45 And I literally think about what you're saying, and I go,
53:48 if we live in a world, if you call the police
53:52 to tell your neighbor that their music is too loud.
53:55 That's right.
53:56 Then like, you don't understand that you are furthering a society
54:01 where you are destined to be governed by some autocratic power
54:05 and something because you can just knock.
54:08 Yeah, you can literally knock and say, hey,
54:11 the music is very loud, or you guys are going to turn it.
54:14 Just because I don't think your neighbor
54:15 is trying to destroy your life by playing music,
54:17 you get them saying, but if we don't know each other,
54:19 we're afraid they'll yell at us. They might be armed.
54:22 Who knows? Yes, yes, it becomes, it will.
54:25 But now, to your point.
54:25 Now the next generation hasn't even met people in person.
54:29 They haven't even.
54:29 They've never had a conflict in person. Yeah.
54:32 And so they live in a world where they go, oh, no, you just report
54:35 for offensive content, report for, you know, report, report, report.
54:39 But they themselves have never actually said to
54:42 another human being, hey, would you mind not doing that?
54:45 That's right.
54:45 There's a really interesting observation about America from Alexis de Tocqueville,
54:49 you know, the French sociologist or aristocrat, but he,
54:53 who traveled in America in the 1830s and he wrote Democracy in America,
54:56 which many American kids used to read in middle school.
55:00 And de Tocqueville observes that in America,
55:04 it's the most amazing thing when a town when they need
55:07 to build a bridge over the stream, they need to build a school or a hospital.
55:11 The townspeople get together and somebody figures is going to lead it,
55:15 and they figure out how to raise the money and then they do it.
55:18 Whereas in France we wait for the king to do it.
55:22 And in Britain, you know, they wait for the nobles to do it.
55:24 And this is an amazing thing about America.
55:26 And this is why the whole, the whole Ben Franklin
55:28 thing, like, let's start institutions, there's a problem.
55:30 Let's let's solve it.
55:31 And this is part of what made America amazing and special and different
55:35 is that we had such a vast country and such a weak central government
55:38 that you couldn't really count on government.
55:41 So that was part of the American character.
55:43 But now we're we're blocking children from developing that.
55:47 We're blocking children from having the ability to say,
55:49 hey, we've got a problem.
55:50 Let's figure out how to solve this. Yeah, let's just call on the authorities.
55:53 So again,
55:53 once again, we're preparing our kids for authoritarianism, not for democracy.
55:57 I wanted to, talk more about girls.
56:00 Yeah. Please go back to that.
56:01 And the thing that really leapt out to me, and I knew this into it intuitively,
56:06 because I think social media has destroyed millennial women's sense of self-esteem.
56:11 And the reason a lot of us are getting certain surgeries and Botox
56:15 and because we're like when our kids were like, oh, I feel like I look bad,
56:18 let me fix it. We have the disposable income to fix it.
56:21 I want to talk a lot about the self-harm that we're seeing about
56:24 with girls, and their exposure to certain
56:27 images on social media is affecting their body image.
56:31 And you mentioned another thing about role models, basically, like what
56:35 were you telling girls to look to via Instagram, etc..
56:39 Can you talk more about that? Because I was really struck by it.
56:42 Yeah, yeah. So for girls, the central harm,
56:45 the most important harm comes through social media.
56:48 And so one way to think about this is if you're a company and you want to trap
56:52 girls, what you would do is you would say, hey, here's social information.
56:56 Do you want to see what so-and-so said about so-and-so?
56:58 Do you want to see who's friends with who, who's dating who?
57:00 So that's much more appealing to girls, right?
57:03 That's right.
57:04 Girls, girls and women have a more developed sense of social relationships.
57:08 They have a map in their head, you know?
57:10 So a common joke was like, you know, a lot of men have to,
57:13 you know, say, honey, how do I know that person like my friend?
57:16 I know so so girls, they're more interested in it.
57:19 They're more socially savvy.
57:21 And so they all rush onto Instagram, especially around 2012.
57:24 And now they're in it. Okay.
57:25 But once they're in it and this is pushing out
57:27 real relationships, it's pushing out gossiping with two friends in person.
57:32 What are they looking at?
57:33 They're looking at photos of each other who are often enhanced
57:36 or at least carefully selected to look at their best.
57:38 So they so on average, the average woman is below average,
57:41 at least compared to what she sees.
57:43 Yeah.
57:44 And so and that's the healthy stuff.
57:46 Just seeing your friends.
57:48 Okay. Then there's all the influencers.
57:51 Kids need role models.
57:53 I have a whole chapter in the book on puberty.
57:55 Part of what's happening at puberty
57:56 is you're making the transition from child to adult.
57:58 And so you're looking desperately for role models. I'm a girl.
58:01 How do I become a woman?
58:03 Oh, I should, you know, I dress this way, I wear makeup,
58:07 and if girls are
58:07 exposed to inappropriate influencers, this is why we now have nine and ten year
58:11 old girls going to Sephora buying, euthanizing, anti-aging.
58:16 Yeah. That's right.
58:16 So completely insane.
58:18 So, so just exposing girls to all these models that show them
58:23 what matters about you is your looks,
58:24 what matters about you, your skin, your hair, your breasts.
58:27 That's what matters. And that's what you have to be conscious of.
58:29 This is a terrible thing
58:30 to do to girls during the most difficult period of their lives.
58:33 But it gets darker.
58:35 So suppose a girl wants to be thin because there's so much pressure to be thin.
58:39 So she types in something about dieting on Instagram or TikTok,
58:44 and many reporters and attorneys general and law enforcement agents have done this.
58:49 You create an account, you say you're a 13 year old girl.
58:51 You say, give me up on dieting, and before you know it,
58:54 you're getting eating disorder stuff.
58:55 You know, like no food tastes as good as being thin.
58:59 Yeah.
58:59 The new mantra is lean is law, which is coming.
59:02 This law, that's what they say. What does that mean?
59:04 Lean is law like being lean is the thing that you have to adhere to.
59:08 That's the that's the new thing. They say. Yeah, right.
59:10 Oh yeah. So one is the what is it.
59:12 Nothing. Taste as good as skin. You feel that.
59:14 Thank you. That's when I was trying to remember. Yeah.
59:15 So this is a really sick thing to do to girls.
59:18 And at the same time, the screen based life is causing them to be more obese.
59:22 So we have a whole generation that I think the average is 12 minutes
59:26 of vigorous exercise
59:27 a day and 8 to 10 hours of screen time a day, not including school.
59:31 Yeah, the phone based child is making them heavier, while at the same time
59:35 telling the girls you have to be thinner, which is almost impossible to do.
59:39 The other thing that is important about girls
59:41 is that they're more emotionally connected.
59:44 They're more emotionally savvy.
59:46 They, they pick up more when someone is feeling
59:48 something but doesn't express it, whereas boys are a little more clueless.
59:52 So the point is, boys are on together.
59:54 They're not really picking up each other's emotions, they're just laughing about,
59:57 you know, sports or war or sex or funny videos.
60:01 When girls get on, they're just much more sensitive to the emotions
60:03 being expressed, and they take on each other's emotions more.
60:06 And I think this can explain a mystery in the data.
60:09 When we graph out all of these mental illness stats,
60:12 the boys are doing worse too, no question about it.
60:14 But the boys curves are gradual with the girls.
60:18 It's stable from the 90s on most things through 2011 and then 2012.
60:24 Is it like a hockey stick? And it goes up very sharply.
60:27 Yeah.
60:27 And I think it's because before then the girls
60:30 were connecting on their flip phones and then getting together in person.
60:33 And it's perfectly healthy when you get a sudden movement
60:36 of everyone onto social media, and now you've got all this social comparison,
60:40 all this people expressing anxiety, and if you're expressing anxiety,
60:43 I'm going to be more anxious.
60:44 So I think that's why we see such a sudden change for the girls.
60:48 Is the is the contagion of emotions
60:51 don't go anywhere because we got more.
60:53 What now after this?
61:02 The mums
61:03 and dads listening to this at home, they're panicking now.
61:06 They're looking at. They can't be like everyone.
61:07 This kid, the boy is never going to get a job.
61:10 And the girls are going to have an eating disorder.
61:12 What can they do? Like what?
61:14 What are the protective measures?
61:16 Thank you for pulling me back from the doom and gloom.
61:18 Because I can go on forever. Oh, no.
61:19 I like doing fine, but you know.
61:21 Okay, so let's hope that nobody tuned out before this point of the conversation.
61:25 So here's here's what I can say with some confidence.
61:29 The brain is still pretty plastic until the early 20s.
61:32 Okay.
61:34 In puberty.
61:35 So the brain is changing
61:36 very rapidly in the first couple of years, and it's growing very rapidly,
61:39 but then it reaches full size, almost full size by about age six.
61:42 And after that the game is not growth.
61:45 The game is like which neurons
61:46 are going to wire up to which which neurons are going to disappear.
61:50 And so they're tuning up, with cultural input.
61:54 And so, and especially speeds up in early puberty, I want everybody
61:58 to really focus on early puberty, try to protect your kids during that period.
62:01 But suppose your kid is 15.
62:03 She or he has already been on the video games.
62:06 The the the social media.
62:07 You know, one possibility is that the changes could be long lasting.
62:11 It is possible that if you went through puberty this way,
62:14 it could change things in ways that are lasting.
62:16 We don't we don't know. But here's what I can say for sure.
62:20 When kids take steps
62:21 to regain control of their attention, they get miraculous results.
62:24 And I know this because I teach a class at New York University.
62:28 I'm a professor in the business school there, and I teach
62:31 one of my classes called flourishing, and it's 35 undergraduates.
62:34 They're mostly sophomores, around 19 years old.
62:37 They all spend too much time on their phones.
62:38 And the project is you have to over the course of the semester,
62:41 you have to change yourself in a way that will improve your happiness
62:44 and flourishing by the end of the semester.
62:46 So a lot of them work on their phone habits.
62:48 And I say, if you're spending three hours a day
62:50 or more on social media, you have to work on this one
62:52 because there's no point doing anything else.
62:54 And the ones who are doing a lot of social media
62:56 and some of like 5 or 6 hours just on TikTok,
63:00 when they move it off their phone
63:02 and onto their computer, they get a lot of relief because way down.
63:06 And then if they take it off the computer and just stop, especially for TikTok,
63:10 they get they tell these miraculous stories like, I can do my homework now.
63:16 the it's not just that I have enough time is that I can actually focus on it.
63:19 And I have more time with my friends, and we're doing fun things
63:22 and I'm sleeping better.
63:24 And so what I can say for sure to parents whose kids are late teens is it's
63:29 not too late, but they have to regain control of their attention.
63:32 They have to largely get off of social media.
63:35 I'm not going to say that boys shouldn't play video games at all,
63:38 but I any just keep an eye on their dopamine circuits.
63:42 Anything they're doing every day for an hour or two, there's a risk
63:45 that it's changing them in ways that make everything else more boring.
63:49 So do not give up hope.
63:50 It's hard to do it yourself.
63:51 So, you know, to say to your 17 year old daughter,
63:54 you need to get off social media even though all your friends are still on it.
63:57 That's a social death sentence.
63:58 Can be very hard to persuade your girl to do that.
64:01 So the trick is do it in a group.
64:04 And that's why the class is so successful, because they're all supporting it.
64:06 They're all doing it. And then they sometimes they go out together.
64:08 So is that like connecting with other parents and being like, hey,
64:12 whether it's at your school, at the gymnastics club, being like,
64:15 hey, I'm doing this experiment, will you join me?
64:18 That's right.
64:18 Especially when you kids are younger.
64:20 You know,
64:20 we all know the parents of our kids friends
64:21 because we arrange pick ups and birthday parties and all that.
64:24 So if you get a group of friends,
64:27 the parents all agree to do this, we're going to follow the four norms
64:29 that I lay out in the book.
64:30 Then it's actually much easier. It's a lot more fun. Yeah.
64:33 Can you say before norms because we haven't yet got into that.
64:36 So the four norms to roll back the phone based childhood are pretty simple.
64:40 They are first, no smartphone before high school or age 14.
64:45 You want to communicate with your kid, give them a flip phone.
64:47 Give them a basic phone.
64:48 Give them a gab phone, a pinwheel phone.
64:49 There's all kinds of options that are
64:51 that don't have a browser or don't have social media.
64:52 I think the way to think about is this across the Western world,
64:56 we all have our previous iPhone in a drawer someplace,
65:00 and we all give that to our two year old.
65:02 I just saw an incredible study.
65:04 It found that 40% of American two year olds have their own iPad.
65:09 And so we're just giving
65:11 this advanced technology to two year olds.
65:15 Don't you know why that is?
65:16 Because if they use your iPad, it gets grubby.
65:18 They crack the screen.
65:20 Guys, there's a reason for it, but it's terrible.
65:23 Okay, but we do it. We do it.
65:25 I think a large part of it is because we all discovered just given the iPad.
65:28 Yeah, it's the it's a digital pacifier.
65:31 It's a pacifier. Yes.
65:32 It's like giving them a little bit of okay, sometimes the iPad babysitter.
65:35 That's right. So it's very effective. But I think it's also very damaging.
65:37 So my point is don't start with that stuff.
65:40 I mean they're going to have that eventually.
65:42 You know, give them, you know, if they're in third
65:43 or fourth grade, you want to send them out into the world,
65:45 give them a phone watch, not an Apple Watch that has too much stuff on it,
65:48 but just a phone watch I gave my daughter, I think was called the Gizmo Gadget.
65:54 She could call three phone numbers. That was it.
65:55 And that was great for sending around the world.
65:57 So start real simple now in high school then,
66:01 you know many will want to wait later, but I'm just trying to propose a norm.
66:04 What if there's a norm that we all adopt as a minimum
66:07 that would have so much benefit for all of us.
66:10 So again, the first norm.
66:11 No smartphone for high school, second norm, no social media till 16.
66:15 And here's where what we really need is a law implementing a minimum age.
66:18 And Australia has done that for us.
66:20 It's it'll it'll take effect November and let's hope it works smoothly.
66:24 And then a lot of countries will follow it.
66:25 But anyway, try to keep your kids off from opening a social media account,
66:29 especially TikTok and Instagram and Snapchat, until they're 16.
66:33 The third norm is phone free schools.
66:35 If you can text your child during the day during class, that's a problem.
66:39 That means that all the kids are texting each other and everyone has to check
66:43 because nobody wants to be the one kid at lunch
66:45 you didn't know about the thing that happened in the third period.
66:48 So, phone schools must take the phone in the morning,
66:52 put it in a locker or a locked pouch, a laundry pouch,
66:56 or just a manila envelope in a in the front of homeroom.
66:59 Where? By the teacher's desk.
67:00 But take the phones away in the morning and phone watches and AirPods, everything.
67:05 Give it back when they leave.
67:06 And that way they pay attention to the teacher and the other kids.
67:09 That's what we want.
67:10 The fourth norm is the hardest, and we've already been talking about the fourth
67:13 norm is far more free play, independence and responsibility in the real world.
67:19 Because the point here isn't just, you know, let's take away the screens.
67:23 The point is, let's give them back an amazing childhood.
67:26 They need fun.
67:28 They need interaction.
67:29 They need to wrestle, put their arms around each other,
67:32 laugh together, eat together.
67:33 So we've got to give them back more time together.
67:36 And that's hard because we don't trust our neighbors anymore.
67:38 It's hard to just say, go out and play and we don't have third spaces.
67:41 I, you know, we don't have spaces with a lot of cities, don't
67:44 have public transportation, I think like, but but can I tell you a secret, though?
67:48 Yeah. And I agree with you on this.
67:50 Because I like, really like trying to figure out how we can solve this issue,
67:55 especially after we talk to to to Robert Putnam on the podcast.
67:59 I think
68:00 the truth is that we think we don't have the third spaces,
68:04 but we it's it's just because we've made every space a private space.
68:08 Like, I was just thinking this, walking around like part of Brooklyn
68:11 the other day, I've noticed a dip in how many block parties there are.
68:16 Yeah, just that was a simple event where you close the streets.
68:21 Yeah.
68:22 You agreed neighbor and the end neighbor at the end.
68:24 We all agree.
68:25 On Saturdays we are going to close our block
68:28 and everyone's going to just open their door and like,
68:31 walk out and the kids can kick a ball and can hit the ball.
68:34 Great. And I've seen a few parts of New York where they do it now.
68:37 Like this is like in Manhattan by the way, like Chelsea somewhere there.
68:41 Okay.
68:41 I remember
68:41 driving one day and I was irritated because I was in the car
68:44 trying to get to an airport and the road was closed.
68:46 But I love the fact that, like, I saw someone hitting a ball, a baseball,
68:49 and then people running the whole street was just closed and I was like, oh,
68:53 we've been tricked into thinking the thing that's right outside
68:56 our door is not a third space. No, but that's not is that space?
68:59 Why is it third spaces are like actual.
69:02 I'm talking about parks. Yes.
69:05 They have decimated.
69:06 I'm with you.
69:06 And I'm telling you that when I grew up, they didn't exist.
69:09 Yeah, black kids couldn't go to a library. Oh, yeah.
69:11 There was no park.
69:12 Yeah, there was not during apartheid. None of this exists.
69:15 But I have the full childhood that you're talking about. Okay.
69:18 Because the third space was the street. Street?
69:20 Okay, I get you
69:21 if your grandmother travel around the world,
69:23 sometimes you don't see girls, but you always see boys playing in the street.
69:26 Yes. The third space is the street. Yes.
69:28 That's right.
69:29 So you go, you tell the kids to get rid of these moves.
69:33 I would let my son play in the street if Americans.
69:36 Exactly.
69:37 Cause, you know. And like, if he runs in front of the car.
69:39 Yes, but that's what I mean by closed the street. Yeah, yeah.
69:42 So I go, I would love to live in a society where we go like we used to do this on.
69:47 I wish I could, like, take you to the picture in my brain.
69:51 We as the kids ran the streets as if we were adults.
69:55 So we would close the street with you. Take the responsibility.
69:58 Yeah, we would take bricks
69:59 and we would put them at the beginning of each road and close each road.
70:02 Yeah.
70:02 And then when a car would need to turn into the street
70:05 because this is like a road,
70:06 you know, it's not a public. I'm not like main roads.
70:08 So if you're listening to the highways and informal thing.
70:10 Yes. I'm not I'm not a highway. I'm not I'm not a main road.
70:12 I'm talking about like your neighborhood. Yeah. Your neighborhood.
70:15 It was a township, but it was still a neighborhood.
70:17 We put bricks there.
70:19 A car would need to turn.
70:21 There would be kids stationed at every corner.
70:23 And you'd shout,
70:25 you know, car.
70:26 And then you'd run there together.
70:28 You'd move the bricks everywhere.
70:30 We had the road. Yeah.
70:31 The car would drive either through where it needs to go to
70:33 or it would, like stop at the house that is stopping it.
70:36 And then we'd put the bricks back on the road
70:37 and then we'd continue playing.
70:39 And because I agree with you, I'm not saying
70:40 like go play in the street, but I'm saying sometimes we look at problems in life
70:44 and they they seem insurmountable because we're looking at them the wrong way.
70:49 Okay. No phones and no this and no.
70:50 And where now? Are we going to build third speed? How much is a third space?
70:53 Where do you get it? How do we build a park?
70:55 How do we get permits to guys?
70:56 Everyone, if you are lucky enough to have a house,
71:00 if you're lucky enough to be renting a space, if you
71:02 you literally have the third space right outside your door.
71:04 That's right.
71:05 You just have to claim it back.
71:06 Yeah, you literally
71:08 just have to claim it back collectively, I think I think that's really good
71:12 because what you're saying is we have to be much more deliberate about this.
71:15 Might parents grew up in New York City, which is very similar.
71:18 They play stickball in the street, the cars coming a step back.
71:20 Exactly.
71:22 So we can't just say to our kids, you know, you're nine years old,
71:25 get out of here.
71:26 Don't come back till the streetlights come on. Don't come back till dinner.
71:29 In some parts of America, you can. You can do that.
71:30 There are rural parts or places where people trust their neighbors.
71:33 But especially for those of us in cities, we're going to have to be
71:36 a lot more deliberate.
71:36 What you're saying is an example of of a community or a couple of leaders
71:40 taking a step to make something happen, right, right here in Chelsea.
71:43 So that's great.
71:44 I want to bring in here an organization that I co-founded called Let Grow.
71:47 If you have young kids, go to Let Grow, dawg.
71:52 It's it's run
71:52 by a wonderful woman named Lenore Skenazy, who wrote a book called Free-range kids.
71:56 It's all about how do we help Americans actually let go and let their kids grow
72:00 with these sorts of experiences.
72:01 And and so we have two really simple programs.
72:03 The simplest of all is called play Club.
72:07 And what it is, is a sports based around schools and school playgrounds.
72:11 In a lot of places,
72:12 parents don't trust anything, but they do trust the school playground.
72:16 That's the one place that they will let their kids hang out after school.
72:20 And so it's so simple.
72:21 A school just says,
72:22 okay, one after school activity that you can choose is play club.
72:26 And so let's say your eldest son, you sign him up for Fridays, let's say.
72:31 So he's part of Play Club on Friday,
72:33 along with 10 or 20 other kids who are always there on Friday.
72:36 And there's an adult nearby.
72:39 There is an adult around if someone gets hurt,
72:41 but there's nobody blowing a whistle,
72:42 there's nobody supervising, there's nobody directing.
72:45 And so you were talking about your kid, your one year,
72:48 one year of being overscheduled.
72:49 Yeah. Luna has, you know, a diva.
72:51 She's got a lot going on. Okay.
72:53 But when she starts,
72:54 when she starts school, especially, say, kindergarten, first grade,
72:57 they love running around in the playground. So.
73:00 So play club is so simple. It doesn't cost anything.
73:02 Okay? You need to have, like, one staff person stay after.
73:05 Yeah.
73:05 If the results are so amazing,
73:07 teachers often volunteer to do it because it's so wonderful to watch.
73:10 So just using the local school playground.
73:13 Now some schools in New York City, I talk with a principal, up in the Bronx.
73:17 He said there is no outdoor space, so there are.
73:20 It's not that. Well,
73:21 that's a lot of New York City in general, even the fancy schools, by the way.
73:25 They usually have a little sense.
73:26 They have they have some. Yeah, they'll have some. Yeah.
73:29 But I'm saying like a lot of them, you'll be shocked at how
73:30 this is just like it's the city's the curse of a city.
73:33 Yeah, but but so we have to be intentional and clever.
73:36 We've got to find spaces for our kids to play without adults directing them.
73:40 And it's going to be tricky, but we can do it.
73:42 And there's a you know, this is an enormous need.
73:44 I teach in a business school and I really come to see,
73:47 you know, entrepreneurs are not saying, how can I get rich, rich, rich.
73:51 They're saying, what?
73:53 Where something that needs doing.
73:54 Where's the where's there a market for something?
73:55 Where's there a desire?
73:57 One of the biggest desires in the world is parents who want to give their kids
74:00 a better childhood, but they don't know where to do it.
74:03 There's there's no third space.
74:05 So, in Britain, there's a company.
74:07 I think it's called the Den.
74:08 And they have.
74:09 They have these, I suppose it's for, I dunno if it's for profit or nonprofit.
74:13 I should look that up.
74:14 But, it's a place that routines can hang out,
74:16 and there are games and there's food and there are adults around.
74:20 We used to call that a youth club.
74:21 Do you remember something like like, but those can come back.
74:25 I'll come back. You.
74:26 Just so I think we have to really double down on
74:28 that community is not going to happen naturally the way it used to.
74:31 And we have to be more deliberate.
74:33 Some of the things ideas you had made me like vibrate a little, vibrating.
74:38 I know which ideas made you vibrate.
74:39 I'm realizing that a lot of the things I like critique other parents for.
74:44 Like I have myself as a projection and I really need to surrender
74:50 and be less fearful and anxious about my children in the wild.
74:55 Like fear of them having an accident or something happening to them.
74:59 Like, yeah,
74:59 because you know, when you're
75:00 talking about that unsupervised play, I'm like,
75:02 oh my God, this kid is going to swing off something in that one, right?
75:04 That's what we all think is power.
75:05 And then I'm like, well, you take the swing of something
75:07 and they do break their arm and like you wouldn't because I think
75:11 a lot of parents are catastrophic catastrophizing. Yes.
75:14 Because we are in this world of my father and his brothers survived a civil war,
75:19 the Biafra war, they had far more danger and risk than I can ever imagine.
75:24 And I'm afraid to let my five year old play with his Legos alone,
75:29 because I'm not.
75:31 I'm worried the 19 month old is going to swallow it.
75:33 You know, I'm like.
75:33 And so I think that because my world is so our worlds are really so safe
75:38 and sanitized. They really are.
75:39 We don't have that sense of proportion. Yeah.
75:41 And then because of that I'm afraid of like the thing
75:44 that's really basic and like, I actually got a therapy for you.
75:48 Okay, I've got so this is our second program at Life Grow Again.
75:51 It's so simple.
75:53 It's called the let grow experience. Okay.
75:55 Here's all it is.
75:56 It's made for schools.
75:57 But you can do it by yourself at home.
75:59 So imagine you've got an elementary school.
76:01 And imagine that you say
76:03 all the third graders are going to do the let grow experience.
76:06 You give me a piece of paper with instructions to take it home.
76:08 It says,
76:10 work with it.
76:10 Work with your parents
76:11 to pick something
76:12 that you think you can do by yourself that you've never done before.
76:15 You're going to do it with your parent's permission, but without your parents.
76:19 Let me give you some examples,
76:20 like maybe you think that you have a dog and you've never walked it by yourself.
76:23 You know, your eight years old, you've never been like around the block
76:26 with the dog. But mama, I think I can do that.
76:29 It's so funny you said that thing about the dog
76:31 when I was like, right, great, I'll let you do it.
76:32 But I'll put an AirTag in your shoes, right?
76:34 Yeah.
76:36 You know what?
76:37 If it takes that to let you do it, do it
76:40 start that way or make make breakfast for the family.
76:43 Yeah.
76:43 Because one of the things that happened around 2011 is teenagers began much more,
76:50 to likely to agree with this statement.
76:51 My life feels useless.
76:53 Our kids are they feel useless.
76:54 All they do is consume content. They don't do anything.
76:57 And so the Lego experiences do something new, useful.
77:02 And, two amazing things happen.
77:05 The first is,
77:07 you know, let's say you send your kid out, there's a store three blocks away.
77:09 Your your 8 or 9 year old can go get a quart of milk and come back.
77:13 The first thing is they are jumping up and down when they return.
77:17 They are so excited.
77:20 You know, they did something and it's.
77:22 And the key is that it's a little scary at first
77:26 because they've never done it before.
77:27 But that's how we get over our fears.
77:29 We you get over your fears by experiencing a stimulus.
77:32 Nothing bad happens.
77:33 And then the next time you have less fear.
77:35 So the kids are changed and the kids have a sense of competence and capability.
77:40 But the unexpected effect or maybe actually this was planned by the
77:43 by Lenore and others who invented it is the parents fear goes down
77:49 because and you know, because like the first time we had my wife
77:52 and I, the first time we let our son walk to school, I tell this story in the book.
77:55 We only let our son walk to school in fourth grade, meets nine
77:59 because we were friends with the Norse Kid.
78:00 Easy other you know, kids were walking to school at nine.
78:04 Even at ten, even fifth grade.
78:05 It started in New York City. It starts more at sixth grade.
78:09 But we were a little
78:10 early on it, but the first time we did it was terrifying.
78:13 And, you know, we tracked him.
78:14 We gave him my old iPhone because he didn't know any better.
78:16 And we tracked him and we were like,
78:18 oh my God, is he going to make it anywhere? We're watching it.
78:21 He must. He's at Seventh Avenue.
78:22 But that's a really complicated intersection
78:23 because you can make it is going to make it.
78:25 We were really nervous.
78:26 Yeah.
78:27 You know, and even I know all this stuff, but this is, you know, I'm a parent.
78:29 Like, this is what we feel. And so.
78:32 So then the second day we were just a little nervous.
78:35 And the third day not at all. And that was it.
78:36 We never tracked them again.
78:37 Yeah. So the let go experience it.
78:40 So if you do it in a school
78:41 imagine all the third graders in a town are doing this.
78:43 So beginning September
78:45 you see a whole bunch of eight year olds walking to the store,
78:49 and maybe they're together and laughing, or maybe they're alone.
78:52 And once you see a lot, but you realize like, oh, okay, I guess eight year olds
78:55 walk to stores now. Nobody's seen that since 1992.
78:58 Yeah, yeah.
78:59 You know, but
78:59 but if you do it as a community, suddenly you change the arms of the community.
79:02 I love that you're saying that because I was thinking about
79:05 how can I do it with my friends, like the people who are in my community,
79:09 but it's like a collaboration between not just the parents, but schools.
79:13 Is the shopkeeper saying, by the way, oh, there's gonna be some eight year
79:17 olds coming in.
79:19 They may still oh, but they're going to buy some.
79:21 Some of the eight year olds are not going to know.
79:22 But what I think I think shoplifting is a good experience to have and to be
79:27 I think being caught to be cool. Yeah.
79:28 I think that being cool, I mean, you learn like,
79:30 yeah, it's punitive and then you don't you don't eventually steal a car one day.
79:33 Right.
79:33 But like whatever it is you do, you say you tell the shopkeeper
79:36 there's going to be some kids coming in like it just requires you to speak to.
79:39 That's different stakeholders.
79:41 That's right. We have to be more deliberate.
79:43 And so that's a good point.
79:44 I was emphasizing like, you can do it yourself as one family.
79:48 It's better if you do it with a few families.
79:49 It's best if you do it by the whole school. However you do it.
79:53 I, I had thought before and I sometimes say you might even go
79:57 talk to the chief of police and say, what do you think about this?
80:00 We want to do this.
80:01 Do you think this is okay?
80:02 Because if the
80:03 because if he warned the police ahead of time
80:04 and they're probably going to be supportive
80:06 if you talk to him ahead of time, then there's not much risk.
80:08 You know, if some nosy neighbor calls the police,
80:10 they're going to say, it's okay, we know about this.
80:12 But I hadn't thought of stopping the shopkeepers, so that's a great idea.
80:14 If there's a store that your kid can walk to, talk to them and say,
80:17 is it okay if I send my kid and he are, they're going to love it.
80:19 Yeah.
80:20 This is amazing.
80:21 This is really
80:21 and I mean, there's
80:22 so many more we could speak about, but luckily that's why there's a book.
80:25 Yeah.
80:26 And I really encourage everyone to read it because I think if you don't have kids,
80:31 I think it's still applies to you as somebody who does have a phone,
80:35 who might struggle with community, who might have anxiety,
80:38 who might not even realize how much these latent effects have affected them.
80:42 If I could just say just first,
80:44 if you don't have kids, there's a whole chapter in the book
80:46 on spiritual degradation.
80:48 Yeah. All of us are feeling it's affecting us all.
80:50 So the book, I hope, does speak to all ages. Yeah.
80:52 So there is a movement brewing around the world.
80:56 I love it.
80:56 Parents are sick and tired of this.
80:59 They are revolting. Gen Z is sick and tired of it.
81:01 They see what's happening. They are revolting.
81:04 So even though this problem seemed insurmountable a year ago,
81:08 what we're finding is the will to solve it is so widespread
81:11 that people are coordinating, people are acting together.
81:15 So if we act together, I think we can beat this.
81:17 I think we can restore
81:18 a fun, exciting, play based childhood in time for your kids.
81:21 Oh, amazing.
81:22 And the husbands
81:25 I Jonathan Heights, thank you so much.
81:29 Great to see you both.
81:35 What now with Trevor
81:36 Noah is produced by Spotify Studios in partnership with Day Zero Productions.
81:41 The show was executive produced by Trevor Noah, Thomas Yamin and Jody Avigan.
81:46 Our senior producer is just Heckel.
81:48 Claire Slaughter is our producer.
81:51 Music mixing and mastering by Hannah Brown.
81:54 Thank you so much for listening.
81:55 Join me next Thursday for another episode of What Now?