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Give Me 15 Minutes... I'll Save You 25+ Years Of Feeling Lonely, Depressed & Lost | Dr. Gabor Maté | Doug Bopst | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Give Me 15 Minutes... I'll Save You 25+ Years Of Feeling Lonely, Depressed & Lost | Dr. Gabor Maté
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Core Theme
This content explores how to overcome a victim mindset by understanding its roots in childhood trauma, emphasizing the importance of seeking trauma-informed help, and reframing triggers as opportunities for self-discovery. It also offers guidance for parents on raising children in a modern, screen-dominated world.
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how can somebody escape the victim
mindset well so if I was talking to a
person like that I would say first of
all I get it cuz I've been to that place
myself I mean I've had moments when I
didn't think life was worth living and I
imagined my own suicide never that I
planned it or I was going to do it but I
kind of fantasized it you know I've been
to those places so I get it secondly I
would say I feel that the world's
against me that's not a feeling it's a
belief okay if you have that belief it's
because at some point you had that
experience but you're not having that
experience right now that experience was
that of a child who was helpless and
alone so what showing up in your belief
system is not your present situation but
your childhood emotional experience and
like I said before in the present we can
heal no matter what happened then we can
heal in the present so the first thing I
would ask a person like that is are you
willing to consider that healing is
possible for you or have you totally
given up by the way
a person who's totally given up wouldn't
be telling you this because when people
talk this way whether they know it or
not they're asking for help if they
weren't asking for help they wouldn't
say anything they just slink off of
their own and isolate themselves and as
some people do so anybody who speaks the
way that you just cited is already
whether they know it or not they're
looking for help and if that's the case
then they can be helped and so that's
the second point is don't try and solve
this on your own we're human beings
we're creatures that evolved in
connection and Community you're not
alone with this it may feel like you're
alone and you certainly might feel
lonely but you're not in fact alone
Millions feel exactly the same way and
they're not crazy and you're not crazy
those beliefs and feelings are normal
responses to abnormal
circumstances so that's how I begin
working with the people with a person
with that mindset and I guess to take
this one step further you know I've
heard you talk about like that one of
the main problems with society today is
that a lot of people who have mental
health struggles and they're struggling
with situations like this where they
feel stuck and they can't get out of
their own way at times they feel like
people are against them they're dealing
with trauma and then they you know they
might go see somebody who's not trained
in trauma they don't have the experience
like how can somebody begin to take that
path and make sure that they're finding
somebody that is like you know trained
in that and then also that they're able
to self-regulate themselves when needed
well that's a huge question because
unfortunately look I've been through
medical training I'm a physician and uh
the average physician never hears any of
the stuff I just talked about the
average psychiatrist doesn't get any
training in trauma not in they learned
something with PTSD which is a specific
form of trauma but they learn they don't
learn about the traumatic basis of
depression and anxiety and ADHD and they
they learn nothing about it so that it's
very difficult to find good help within
the medical system
now many therapists also don't get any
such training there's a lot of
therapists that are designed only to
change your beliefs and your behaviors
but not to address the fundamental
reasons for those behaviors so a lot of
psychologists trained in CBT cognitive
behavioral therapy or dialectical
behavioral therapy a lot of them are not
really and I know this believe me I know
this they just don't know much about or
anything about trauma then they can't
help you with the fundamental wound that
you're carrying they can help you with
the manifestation
and that's not that's not useless but
they can't help you heal at your core so
then there are therapies that are deeper
than that there is um body based
therapies such as somatic
experiencing developed by my friend and
teacher Peter Dr Peter LaVine there's
sensory motor Psychotherapy developed by
P Ogden there's EMDR that works for some
people there's internal family systems
or IFS devel my friend and colleague Dr
Richard Schwarz this compassionate
inquiry which is based on my work and I
train therapists in that method there
are others other names I could mention
there's Larry heler Lawrence heler in
his work and his students so what you
have to look for is somebody who's
trauma informed and is willing to work
with you not just on your behaviors but
on your core wounds of which the
behaviors are symptoms yeah thanks for
bringing that up because like my own
experience I mean I've struggled off and
on with my mental health over the years
I mean I've told you a bit about my
story in our last conversation and you
know when I would go there wasn't like a
lot of talk about my childhood there was
it was just like all right you're having
some anxiety cool like here's a pill and
then I would just take it and I would
just think okay this is going to cure my
anxiety and then I would realize like
it's not really I'm still getting
anxiety I'm still struggling like what's
going on with this and it wasn't until I
understood like my past and my trauma
and how that was all related related to
what I was experiencing in the present
that things were able to change and so
let's just say that that somebody has
now they found somebody they're
comfortable with that's helping them
heal their trauma and change their
present and their current behaviors and
patterns and that sort of thing and then
they go down weeks down the road months
down the road and they're on the up and
up but get triggered or they experience
a situation where they're like oh my
gosh like I thought I was getting better
why is this coming up what's your advice
to people who are dealing with triggers
when they're on the road to uh recovery
from trauma well there's two ways to ask
that question that you just raised why
is this coming up is that a question
what is it actually what is this
teaching me no when you say why is this
coming up like that that's not a
question it's a statement it's a
statement that says this shouldn't be
happening to me okay now you ain't going
to learn anything that way but if you
actually ask it hm I wonder why this is
coming up no you can learn something if
I came to you and said why are you doing
this how would that feel to you I get
probably get defensive and I would just
feel like a little ashamed exactly but
what if I said hm I wonder why you doing
this it would force me to think a little
bit and practice the pause and say well
I don't know if it would force you but
at least it would invite you right right
right right yeah now so that's the first
point is is how should we ask this
question it's a good question but we
have to ask it as a question not as a
statement of resentment or resistance
that's the first point the second point
is use the word trigger really great
word now if I showed you a rifle with a
trigger how big a part of the rifle is
the trigger it's very small very small
for that trigger to set off anything
that what there has to be there has to
be a mechanism to deliver ammunition
there has to be ammunition there has to
be an explosive charge when I get
triggered let's say you say something to
me and I get triggered what you say it
was a very small little thing I'm the
one who's got the explosive charge and
the ammunition
you didn't cause me to do that if I
didn't have that ammunition and
explosive charge you could say whatever
you want and I just sit here saying hm I
wonder why he's saying that you know so
triggering is a great opportunity to
learn when you get triggered you could
either focus on resent and resist the
trigger or you could say huh what was I
still carrying inside that I haven't
looked at yet that I haven't resolved
yet so if you know I used to tell the
story you know being married to 50 years
now my wife and I so let's say 20 years
ago um I might ask to sleep with her and
she would say no you know which is
nobody can ever believe that that ever
happened but it did used to happen you
know and how would I respond I would
respond by going to a rage and curling
into a fetal position and not even
wanting to live okay now the trigger is
the no that she said the explosive is my
belief that I'm being rejected and
Abandoned and not wanted and that I'm an
infant and helpless which is what
happened to me otherwise if she says no
oh I can get curious are you tired or
have I done something to turn you off or
is there something youone we can talk
about or I can just be disappointed and
let go of it and say okay well thanks
you know there'll be another day so how
I respond is not dependent on the
external event is dependent on what
charge I'm carrying so triggers are
wonderful times to learn about yourself
so if you ask a question not why did I
react that way but huh I wonder why I
reacted that way now there's a whole lot
of learning to be done so that's what I
call Compassionate curiosity where we
actually curious about ourselves but not
in a self- judgmental way but in a
compassionate way oh this brought up the
pain of rejection obviously I'm still
carrying that that wound well let's look
at that cuz it's not happening in the
present I'm glad you brought that up and
that we have to change the language and
how we talk to ourselves during those
moments because for me personally I'm
extremely hard on myself so that like
voice that you were saying like you know
like why is this happening or why is it
doing this to me like that's something
that I've said in my life very very
frequently because of the fact that I'm
really hard on myself I sometimes when
something doesn't go my way or when I
get triggered or bothered by something
even though I've done a lot of work on
myself I'm I'm so hard on myself because
I'm like gosh like I'm better than this
I know I should be doing better than
this so that was really eye opening for
me so thanks for sharing that well and
you know that voice in your head that
tells you all that stuff in this book I
actually talk about getting into a
relationship with that voice because
this is what I call a stupid friend you
know because at some point that voice
came along when you were quite small see
if you were suffering as a kid or things
weren't going well there's two
assumption the child could make
unconsciously what one is the world is
dangerous my parents don't know how to
love me value me I can't trust anybody
I'm all alone I'm going to suffer in
this world the other belief
unconsciously is there's something wrong
with me and maybe if I work hard enough
I can fix it now which belief is more
protective for the child do you think
the second one is more protective
exactly so it came along as kind of a
friend to keep you going it's a friend I
say it's a stupid friend the reason I'm
joking when I call it stupid but the
stupidity comes in cuz it doesn't learn
that you're no longer that child it
keeps giving you the same message so my
suggestion Doug is next time you hear
that voice say hello to it and say thank
you you know what because ask yourself
how old is that voice I mean what how
old were you when it first came along I
mean I was young because I remember
there was this idea that I developed
about myself from when I was a child
that I wasn't good enough because I
wasn't picked for sports teams I got
yelled at a lot so give me an age five
six seven yeah I mean I would say I was
in elementary school I think but let's
call him a seven-year-old this voice is
a seven-year-old kid telling you a story
so say hi to it hello I got it you're
still working to make me better in this
world but you know what relax kid I can
take care of it now you know it it's
this just a little immature little
friend that's all it is it didn't come
along to torment you it came along to
actually protect you right and I think
you're right it's so important to have a
conversation with that voice and then
also change the conversation with that
and then along the lines of like you
know childhood one of the things that my
audience wanted me to talk to you about
more in depth is is like parenting and
that parents are having a hard time
right now I think with their kids
growing up in this world that is hard
you're easily distracted you're easily
addictive you're easily on your screen
all the time like what advice do you
have for parents who are who are raising
kids in this world today so that they
can you know raise them to the best of
their ability it's very difficult ult to
risc is these days because we're not
living in the way that human beings
evolved like every animal evolves in a
certain environment and context and is
suited to that environment and context
if you want to understand elephants
don't study them in a zoo study them out
in uh in the forest or where they live
you know and human beings we no longer
live in the environments even close to
the image we evolved out there in nature
in small groups connected to each other
parenting kids was used to be a group
activity it happened in the tribe in the
clan parents had lots of support kids
spent their whole day around their
parents it wasn't goodbye in the morning
hello in the evening and most of our
time is spent away from each other that
would never used to be the case not
through millions of years and 100
thousands of years now we can't go back
to that life you know nor would anybody
want to necessarily but we have to
understand what we've lost so first of
all you have to understand a few things
understand a few things the great
Buddhist teacher tikad Han who died
about a year ago he said that the
greatest gift a parent can give to their
child is his or her own happiness so
take care of your emotional states
because your kid is sensitive enough to
be downloading your emotional states and
making them their own so if you're
stressed unhappy depressed anxious
addicted believe me your kid is going to
absorb all that and make it about
themselves that there's something wrong
with them so take care of yourself live
a life that you can live with and if you
get the first three years right by the
way you got it made so your kids are
really small consciously make the first
three years as stressfree and as clear
of psychologial dysfunction as possible
that means work on your traumas work on
your relationship with your partner your
spouse that's the first thing beginning
with pregnancy by the way number one
number two understand what the needs of
children are needs of children are for
unconditional loving Acceptance in the
context of a secular relationship where
the child doesn't have to work to make
the relationship work the acceptance and
the regard should be unconditional allow
the child to have all their emotions
what are the emotions are let the child
have them understand them don't force
them to suppress their emotions I'm not
saying be permissive with behaviors I'm
saying don't force the child to suppress
their emotions don't tell them not to be
angry don't tell them to cheer up when
they're sad validate the anger validate
the sadness these are essential brain
circuits for such feelings nature gave
them those for reason allow the child to
experience them that way they can stay
connected to themselves thirdly there's
a need for spontaneous free play out in
nature get the hell away from these
devices don't give a one-year-old an
iPad or a cell phone get rid of the
screens in your house when your kids are
small have a screen in a locked room for
yourself if you need one but don't be
phoning and texting and and emailing
around your kids cuz the message they
get is the devic is more important than
they are don't go for a walk with them
and texting and looking at your cell at
the same time don't give the kids these
devices they've been documenta shown to
interfere with the healthy development
of brain circuits this has been shown on
brain scans so if I was raising kids
today I wouldn't let them near a screen
for years on the other hand I would
encourage them to be outdoors be with
them play with in nature spontaneous
creative play so these are the essential
needs of children I talked about in this
book They're difficult to provide in
this culture cuz if you do any of this
stuff you'll be an outlier cuz all your
friends and all your kids friends
parents will be on their cell phones all
the time so you have to make a decision
not to buy into the false values of this
what I call this toxic culture so that's
some basic advice you know easily said
hard to achieve but at least these are
the goals that we need to be striving
for I wish I had known this stuff when
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