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Successful Relationships with Borderlines, Narcissists (Compilation)

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This content provides a comprehensive guide for individuals in relationships with people exhibiting Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), focusing on practical strategies for daily survival, management, and understanding the disorder's core features. It also briefly touches upon strategies for managing relationships with narcissists.

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borderlines are drop dead

gorgeous they are gorgeous and you drop

dead so to prevent this unfortunate

outcome do yourself a favor and listen

to this video

lecture what are my

qualifications I'm a longtime admirer lover

lover

husband of borderline

women and and I had survived to tell the

tale which not many men can

say so I have a lot to share with you as

to how how I had coped with these women

and how somehow I succeeded to maintain

relationships short and long over the

span of almost 35

years I'm

also incidentally a professor of

psychology and the author of malignant

self-love narcissism

Revisited and today we're going to

discuss a variant of

narcissists known as borderline people

with borderline personality disorder now

throughout this video I'm going to use

the female gender pronouns I'm going to

say she he I mean she her Etc but of

course there are males there are men

with borderline personality disorder

actually we have a creeping

understanding ing that there are as many

men with borderline personality disorder as

women and I even came up with a new

diagnosis covert borderline which fits I

think the male variant much better than

the classic

borderline so whatever I say in this

video applies to you madams women who

live who exist with or married to uh borderline

borderline

men but for convenience sake I'm going

to continue to use female gender

pronouns okay before we start there are

effective interventions and treatments

for borderline personality disorder and

I encourage those of you who are

afflicted with this personality disorder

to seek help and to subject yourself to

diagnos to dialectical behavior therapy

DBT to mindfulness techniques they have

proven to be very

effective but what I want to do today is

share tips and advice on day-to-day

pedestrian survival with the borderline

so what I'm going to do I'm going to

describe features of borderline

personality disorder how they affect

daily life and how you can cope with

them manage them

survive should worse comes to worse

let's start with the most basic

Foundation of borderline personality

disorder it's known as abandonment

anxiety or separation anxiety the

borderline anticipates and projects and

believes and

forsees imminent abandonment humiliation

and rejection by her intimate partner

just allow me to change my chair

because sitting on a squeaky chair and

squeaky squeaky chairs are great

metaphors and allegories for

relationships with bodai

so I'm on a more stable chair right now

and I can proceed with this presentation

abandonment anxiety separation anxiety

in borderline causes the borderline to

preempt the abandonment causes her to

initiate abandonment it's like the

borderline is saying I'm going to

abandon you before you abandon me the

problem with borderline is that she

interprets every Behavior as a form of

Abandonment if you're on the phone for

too long you're abandoning her if you're

going on a business trip you're

definitely abandoning her if wants

something now and you're not dis at her

immediate disposal dropping everything

else you're doing you're abandoning her

she interprets everything as rejection

and that makes life with her very

Mercurial very unexpected and and to

some extent terrifying a roller coaster

so in your relationship with a

borderline you need to establish rituals

and procedures of presence of permanence

of stability and

predictability all activities that can

be misinterpreted by the borderline as

forms of aband Abandonment and rejection

you should aim and strive to do these

things in her presence or together with

her you should involve her somehow in these

these

things when you are away you should

call multiple times a day you should

tell her that you're thinking about it

you should tell her that you know she's

con L with you in mind and spirit if not

in flesh and blood so you should when

you're with the borderline you should

establish a circumference an Ambiance of

presence constancy permanence stability

and predictability you should engulf her

you should engulf her and Encompass her

but not

overbearingly not domineeringly not not

by way of possessing her or controlling

her or microcontroller because that's

the Paradox at the heart of borderline

the borderline is terrified of

Abandonment but she's equally terrified

of engulfment of enmeshment of

Disappearing of Vanishing into into you

so if you are too much in her life if

you're too intrusive if you are too much

of an Invader if you try to micromanage

everything she does and says everyone

she meets she will resent you for it and

she will react by acting out it's a very

very delicate balance a very thin uh

line thin

wire uh between broadcasting to the

borderline that you are there for her

that you will never abandon her that

you're not going to fade away that it's

okay um to be away because that doesn't

mean you're not coming back broadcasting

this to

her establishing of physical presence in

her life unobtrusively and un intruding

on the one hand and not becoming an

overbearing over winning all pervasive

ubiquitous figure which she is going to

resent and and react badly

too this is the first problem second

issue is object

constancy the borderline is unable to

maintain object constancy she has

something called object inconstancy in

common with a narcissist in other words

when you're out of sight you're largely

out of

mind this is what makes it possible for

the borderline to behave recklessly or

for example to engage in promiscuous sex

to cheat on you because when she is not

with you physically you're gone you're

out of her mind she she she doesn't have

a stable representation of you which she

can interact with when you're not there

The Narcissist has a snapshot of his

intimate partner but the snapshot is so

far diverged and so far removed from the

reality that even the narcissist suffers

from object

inconstancy so the Bordine needs your

constant presence physical presence in

her life to remind herself that one you

exist and two you are she loves

you the both border Line's love and the

borderline ability to have object

relations um is very very infantile it's

like a baby with Mommy when Mommy leaves

the room the baby starts to cry because

Mommy is out of the room mommy is gone

forever he's never coming back it's like

Mommy is out of sight mommy is out

period now of course object in

constantly in constanty leads to severe

mental health ramifications and

implications it is one of the core

elements and the core pillars of what we

call identity

disturbance the borderline is unable to

maintain a stable core of identity she

is a

collidoscope she is

shape-shifting she doesn't have a

central pivot an axis around which she

revolves you can't put your finger on

what is or who is the the borderline

because there's nobody there there's an

bit of an empty core and because it's in

flux uh heraclitus the famous Greek

philosopher said

pant pant means it all flows it's like

you can never step into the same river

twice and you can never interact with

the same borderline twice identity

disturbance means that you cannot

pinpoint the borderline you cannot hold

her hold her into anything her promises

mean nothing her value is a transitory

she acts in contradictory ways she

violates her own self-imposed rules

limits and boundaries which mean

nothing they mean nothing because her

identity changes all the time she's not

the same person all the time this

emptiness at the core of the

borderline means that there is nobody

there to regulate anything

so she can be for example adamantly

opposed to cheating but then she would

go on a cheating

spree she can be Financial hold herself

financially responsible and then

Reckless recklessly spend the entire

Fortune of the

family you cannot trust the borderline

to display a behavior which is

consistent with any set of beliefs or

values with a worldview with limits with

boundaries with

rules it's a chaotic sin and indeed we

call the borderline personality a low

organization personality a lowly

organized personality a chaotic

personality even high functioning

borderlines have an identity

disturbance because borderline therefore

is as Clos as you get to multiple

personality disorder to dissociative

identity disorder and because borderline

is indeed founded on dissociation as we

will discuss a bit later you need to

introduce object

constancy into the relationship you need

to help the borderline to stabilize her identity

identity

around you as an object you can become

the pivot or the Axis or the core of the

or the center or the Dynamo of the

borderlines identity very simple things like

MOS give her personal items of yours so

that she can hold on to them when you're

away many borderlines by the way carry

such items in their purses to remind

themselves not to cheat with other

men um establish a a routine of

programmed reminders say good morning

every morning say good night every night

send messages on a regular schedule

every every hour uh call her out of the

blue but make it programmed in due time

convert these activities into

rituals rituals with Tim taes with

schedules so that she can develop a

sense of predictability and object

constancy programmed reminders

mantras slogans sentences which you

share with the borderline and when you

say this sentence it triggers you it

triggers Your Existence it triggers your

presence in her mind so sentences which

are common to both of you which evoke a

meaning which is which is shared only by

the two of you a closed Universe very

very almost like a shared shared

psychotic disorder if you wish or a

shared fantasy in the case of n The

Narcissist so in these sentences when

you say these sentences to her she is

reminded of your presence of your

life the next problem with with

borderline is

decompensation borderline personality disorder

disorder is

um an extreme form of infantile defenses

exactly like the narcissist narcissism

is an extreme form of the Fantasy

Defense borderline is an extreme form of

of a series of infantile defenses most

notably splitting projection

rationalization and projective

identification so the borderline is

surrounded it's she has a wall she has a

firewall she has a

fortification a fortress of ever active

defense mechanisms and the aims of these

defense the aim of these defense

mechanisms is to falsify reality to

frame reality to recast reality in a way

that will be EOS syntonic in a way that

the borderline can live with can

survive if the borderline were to face

herself as she is if she were to face

the truth she would not survive she

needs absolutely to render reality more

amenable more acceptable and she does

this by filtering reality she impairs

her own reality testing via her

psychological defense

mechanisms so under extreme stress when

she anticipates humiliation and

rejection when she is when she is um for

some reason

discarded when she has a fight with you

when you are busy this is all very

stressing for the borderline this stress

horce cause a process called

decompensation decompensation is when

the defense mechanism

of the borderline shut down one after

the other T tck tck tck tck all the

defenses shut down at some point she is rendered

rendered

defenseless she becomes

skinless she has no protection and no

isolation from her environment and from

the unbearable and intolerable reality

of her impending doom and catastrophized

abandonment and humiliation and

rejection at that point she falls apart

she even May develop a psychotic micro

episodes in other words very brief

psychosis can last a few minutes to a few

few

hours and so you need to

counter the borderline propensity for

decompensation you need to counter it by

using techniques that we that are

usually used in in tackling anxiety and

panic attacks decompensation feels very

much like a panic attack and we had

developed over the decades very very

powerful techniques to cope with anxiety

disorders anxiety attacks and panic

attacks and these techniques include breathing

breathing

exercises including control breathing

breathing into bags breathing with with

counting and so on I encourage you to go

online and read about breathing

exercises for anxiety and

panic they include journaling

encouraging the borderline to note down

to journal to write

down all her cognitive processes when

she is anxious or when she's panicking

in other words when she's decompensating

or when she's panicking she should just

write down what goes through her mind

and then at the end of the day she reads

these sentences aloud to

herself so when she's in panic when

she's anxious when she's about to

decompensate she notes down what's going

on through her mind and she reads it

aloud to herself at the end of the day

this feedback um is very calming it's

anxiolytic these are examples of

techniques we use in treating anxiety in

panic and they should be very effective

with decompensation help your borderline

to adopt these techniques on a daily

basis it might stall off prevent or

postpone eventual

decompensation when the borderline decompensates

decompensates

she ends up acting out acting out is

disregulated uncontrolled self Haring

Reckless Behavior and it is brought on

by SE the self states of the borderline

one of the main self states of the

borderline is a secondary psychopath

when the borderline is under attack when

she's stressed when she's about to be or

she expects to be humiliated and

Abandoned and rejected she brings forth

one of her s self states which is

essentially a psychopath and that's a

protector self state it protects her

from Pain it is defiant it's

contumacious it's angry it's Reckless

it's aggressive and it gets a job done

the job of protecting her the borderline

has several self States and they are

separated by dissociative

walls the dissociation forgetting the

dis iation is not always total it's

permeable and this dissociation helps

the borderline to

compartmentalize so when the borderline

for example acts out when she misbehaves

for example she cheats on you she is

likely to attribute if she remembers the

cheating because many times she will not

especially if she's drunk or or

drugged but if she does remember the

cheating she will attribute it to her other

other

self she will feel contrite ashamed she

will regret what she had done but she

would still defend herself by

attributing it to another self State her

impulsivity and recklessness are

compartmentalized she would not feel

fully responsible for what she had done

because it wasn't her it was some other

self- state that took over her so she's

likely to say I don't know what came

over me I've never done this before it's

not me it's not like me I surprised

myself I shocked myself ET said ET Etc

you need to help the borderline to not

act out because acting out is seriously

dangerous cheating is the most benign

option she can do really really crazy

things she can wreck your car she can

steal your money she can acting out is

simply being out of control and because

a psychopath secondary Psychopathic

State takes over the acting out is

largely antisocial and Psychopathic it's

like you're sudden you suddenly find

yourself married to a

psychopath or in love with a psychopath

so you need to help her the first thing

you should do is

decatastrophize one of the main

processes in decompensation and acting

out is

catastrophizing the borderline

anticipates unfavorable outcomes and

consequences she foresees humiliation

abandonment and rejection so she

catastrophizes and she's reacting not to

reality she is reac ing To Her catastrophizing

catastrophizing

Imagination she sees the future the

future is dystopian and bleck and she's

reacting to the Future not to the

present you need to bring her back to

the present through a process called de

decatastrophizing you need to bring her

back to the present you need to ground

her you can ground her physically by

hugging her you can ground her verbally

by reassuring her that you're not about

to abandon her or humiliate her or

reject her on the very very contrary

they very much in love with her you can

bring her back to reality by

reestablishing reality testing

ironically for example by attacking some

of her assumptions as untenable or

fantastic or paranoid or

delusional so there are many ways to

decatastrophize but you must absolutely

diffuse the time bomb of acting out by

reestablishing reality as the yardstick

and the Benchmark of all her future

behaviors you can do this also by

mirroring her and she becomes aggressive

and violent on the verge of acting out

you can mirror her behavior mirroring

has a very powerful effect on the

borderline it comes her down she

suddenly realizes what she's doing she

kind of wakes up from this tupor and the

Nightmare and she's back in reality

another thing you can do is use

techniques for impulse control redirect

irect her impulses she wants to do a you

redirect her to do B she wants to be

aggressive with something you re

redirect her aggression you rechannel

her aggression and and Hur it use it in

some other way redirection VIA reframing

and Via

remotivation there are many techniques

for impulse control again I'm not going

to review all of them you just go online

you when you witness the decompensation

and the acting out of the borderline

it's clear that she is not acting out

the way a narcissist would or the way a

psychopath would it's not acting out

because she's emotionless because she

has no empathy because she's vindictive

because she wants to hurt you or because

she's goal oriented wants to take

something from you her acting out is

very clearly highly emotional she's hurt

she's hurting she's

bleeding and she wants you to experience

the same pain she wants to hurt you not

in order to hurt you but that you could

share the experience of her pain she

wants to have a shared experience of

hurt with you a universe of hurt where

both of you will belong so her acting

out is about you actually and it is the

outcome of something we call emotional disregulation

disregulation

she she is overwhelmed by her emotions

they're too strong for her she can't

cope she's drowning and she's dragging

you down with her you need to help your

borderline with her emotional

disregulation number one teach her to

talk about her emotions to communicate

her emotions help her to verbalize her

emotions number two ask her to label her

emotions to called them by name because

the borderline experiences her emotions

as a cloud the emotions are

diffus very often she doesn't know

what's happening she's totally

disoriented in many cases she goes into

a dissociative State she

depersonalizes she deriz or she becomes

amnesiac at any rate she is very hard

pressed to say what's happening inside

her head very often a borderline would

tell you I'm having a brein fog it's a

brain fog I can't tell you what's

happening you need to force her to help

her to collaborate with her to label her

emotions you can ask her are you feeling

anger are you feeling Envy are you

afraid you you need to help her to to

call her emotions by name when this is

done when she had gained an a handle

when she had gained a

label she she calms down because just

labeling the

emotion provides her with control over

the emotion and her problem is

disregulation which is a fancy a fancy

word for lack of control she loses

control over herself labeling helps her

to regain control then teach her to

externalize her emotions

ironically the borderline acts out

because she bottles up she bottles up

emotions she's very wary how

hypervigilant and cautious she is very

unlikely to communicate efficaciously

with you so instead she bottles up

everything she acts pseudo stupid she

doesn't talk much or she talks about

irrelevant things or she or she diverts

the conversation or she she kind of

digresses and you know tries to avoid

the painful topics teach her to

externalize her emotions

behaviorally to show that she's Ang

to demonstrate their Envy or jealousy to act

act

appropriately other negative emotions or

positive emotions teach her to

externalize behaviorally her emotions

but also teach her to talk about her

emotions and you can do this by using a

variety of techniques one of the most

powerful is known as chair work chair

like what you sit on chair

work you can ask her for example to put

her anger on a an empty chair and then

to talk to the anger in the empty chair

to have a dialogue with her own anger

you can ask her to put her Envy her

hatred her fear on the chair talk to her abandonment

abandonment

anxiety interrogate the abandonment

anxiety ask the abandonment anxiety for

help chair work dialogue with the

emotions via the the methodology and

instrument of an empty chair and

and

finally you can use techniques from

cognitive behavioral therapy or you can

attend cognitive behavioral therapy in

order to negate in order to uh counter

negative thoughts thoughts the

borderline has negative automatic

thoughts which leads lead to

catastrophizing and lead to Despair and

depression and anxiety the borderline

assumes the

worst and because she assumes the worst

the worst outcomes the worst because of

this she sinks into anxiety and

depression anxiety and depression are

very strong concomittant of borderline

they are com comorbid with borderline

very often and they are usually the

outcome of these negative automatic

thoughts which are uh which CBT is very

successful at eliminating learn the

techniques of eliminating automatic

negative thoughts or simply attend a few

therapy sessions with her Having learned

to control her negative thoughts

Having learned to label her emotions

having dialogued with her anxieties and

fears having verbalized what's happening

inside her having externalized her

emotions via Behavior the risk of acting

out the risk of emotional disregulation

and the risk of decompensation these

risks are much reduced using these

techniques one of the main problems of

the borderline is that she cannot as she

cannot regulate her emotions she could

not control her anger borderlines are

very angry and they're they're angry in

a very violent and aggressive way you

need to to learn anger management

techniques you need to teach your

borderline to cognitively

restructure cognitive restructuring is a

major anger management technique it is

simply teaching the borderline to think

about things in a different way to

consider triggers stimul lie um

provocations fears frustrations to

consider all these in a totally

different way maybe as positive

opportunities for growth and learning

for example cognitive restructuring

establish communication protocols very

rigid and strict communication protocols

if she wants to say something she has to

say it according to the Protocol no

personal attacks no attacks on the other

like if you want to say something for

example if you want to

say what you're doing is hurting me

don't blame don't accuse don't say the

way or misbehaving is is really bad

instead say I'm in pain talk about

yourself don't talk about her describe

your own reactions your own internal

State rather than attacking her that's

an example of a communication protocol

establish communication protocol and

adhere to them

religiously communication protocols a

very powerful tools which prevent a lot

of misunderstanding and pain down the

road finally introduce humor humor is

the best antidote to anger whenever

she's angry don't mock her don't

invalidate her

anger don't minimize her anger don't

minimize her that's not what I'm saying

but say something humorous that suddenly

exposes the whole situation as

irrational and if she's a min B to humor

this will diffuse the

anger the borderline has what we call

mood lability modability she's her mood

is as disregulated as her emotions mood

ability can be counted with physical

activity a sleep schedule a series of

rigid routines the routines provide

structure provide a skeleton so rigid

routines and with stress management

techniques again G I encourage you to go

online and look for stress management

techniques so mood ability in the

borderline is a serious problem mood

swings very serious problem anyone who

had lived in the borderline knows what

I'm talking about this is not like three

days of of fun and three days of

depression this is like one hour of of

fun and two hours of depression and then

two hours of fun and three hours of

anxiety and then 3 hours of rage and two

hours the mood swings are enormous and

they are they are never ceasing and so

if you want to survive with a borderline

you need to regulate this you you need

to control her moods she needs to

control her moods and these are the this

is what I've mentioned physical activity

sleep schedule routines stress

management techniques the the moods of

the borderline are reactive they are not

produced internally they're most of the

time they are reactive

reactive

regrettably she her real testing is

impaired so what she perceives is very

often wrong very often deformed very

often um inappropriate

inaccurate so by restoring reality

testing you're going to reduce modability

modability

considerably but because it's mostly

reactive you need to eliminate the

triggers and the and the stimuli and the

provocations in the environment and you

need to structure her life you need to

help her to structure her life so that

you can reduce stress and the

stress leads to anxiety anxiety leads to

mood lability reduce stress and you

solve an entire chin

reaction the borderline

outsources internal functions internal

what what is known as ego functions she

outsources these to you the intimate

partner of a borderline is her source of

Regulation is the one with the hand on

the key he is in control of how she

feels her emotions her moods her

reactions her explosions her

love what the borderline does because

she lacks an an inner a regulated inner

world because her inner world is one

gigantic gigantic

twister what she does is she she

actually is telling

you help me by regulating me be my

external control control be my external

Board of control be my user

manual I'm transferring my locus of

control to you the border line says and

from now on you are my God you are in

charge of my moods my emotions my

cognitions my happiness my unhappiness

my aggression everything I do you are to

blame everything I do you're responsible

and accountable for even if I misbehave

I misbehave because of you this is of

course out sing of course is extremely

unhealthy it's extremely unhealthy first

of all because it is counterfactual it's

not true a lot of the a lot many of the

dis reggulator behaviors and and

emotions and moods of the of the

borderline have nothing to do with you

as her partner so attributing everything

to you is scapegoating you don't let the

borderline scapegoat you teach her to

regain locus of control transfer these

responsibilities that she had given to

you that she had abrogated transfer

these responsibilities back to her do it

incrementally do it gradually do not

threaten her do not demand do not

control do not chastise and castigate

and criticize be nice be kind she is not

well help her to

recover provide her with increasing

control contr over herself her

circumstances her choices her decisions

and gradually her emotions and her moods

remove this locus of control from

yourself and help her to regain an

internal locus of control at the same

time help her to develop and reward what

we call autoplastic defenses autoplastic

defenses is accepting responsib ility

for your actions and for the

consequences of your actions alloplastic

defenses is when we blame other people

for everything that's happening to us

that implies an external locus of

control if you are to blame for what's

happening to me then I don't I'm not in

control of my life you are you want the

borderline to regain control of a life

also by accepting responsibility for

everything she had done everything

that's happening to work and it can

start with a very simple manipulation of

language borderlines often say this

happened to me you should tell the

borderline no this did not happen to you

you did

it very typical cases when the

borderline comes and says I was drunk

and I slept with another man it happened

so it did not happen you did it you did

it restores a sense of

responsibility self-control locus of control

control

reward these defenses reward this um

these behaviors when when it's warranted

when she does something good something

nice reward

her when she does something bad refuse

to accept responsibility reject any

attempt to put it on you you're not

responsible for actions you're not

responsible for her moods for her

emotions for her cognitions for her

misbehavior for her aggression for her

violence never ever accept

responsibility but do it lovingly CU you love

love

her do reestablish her sense of control

and and sense of personal responsibility

and accountability

lovingly the borderline exactly like the

narcissist tends to idealize and devalue

she idealizes you and devalues you on a

daily basis these are very rapid Cycles

as opposed to the narcissist in

borderline the cycling is very rapid she

can idealize you and devalues devalue

you several times a day the problem is

if she when she idealizes you you're God

when she devalues you you're the devil

and she doesn't feel bad when she is in

the stage of devaluation she doesn't

feel bad to betray you to cheat on you

to harm you to undermine your

interests so it's very dangerous when

the borderline is in the devaluation

phase because in this phase when she is

devaluing you she is controlled by a

secondary Psychopathic self State she's

a psychopath you don't want the

borderline to devalue you because she

will damage you really seriously and

badly you don't want her to idealize you

either because then her expectations are

unrealistic and she's bound to be

frustrated and disappointed and devalue

you you want to stop this cycle you want

to stop it dead in its tracks you don't

want ideal ization and evaluation you

want a realistic assessment of who you

are what you can give what are your

limitations and you want this realistic

assessment to be the foundation of your

relationships you want in other words to

restore reality testing insist on

reality whenever she says something wrong

wrong

counterfactual correct her insist to

introduce reality at all times hundreds

of times a day if you have to repeatedly

on the same topic if you have to

restoring a reality testing is the only

guarantee that your relationship will

not end in a self annihilating nuclear

mushroom cloud which is a typical way a

relationship with the borderline ends

ask me maintain the entire picture

integrate her splitting when she says

that someone is all bad remind remind

her that this very person has good

aspects good traits and had behaved

nicely with her was kind to her negate

her splitting negate her projection act

against her defenses do not let her

idealize and devalue you or anyone

else integrate splitting maintain the

entire picture serve as a reminder serve

as a database serve as a repository of

the totality of experience if she tries

to to divide experience into black and

white we call it dichotomous thinking

black and white fallacy if she tries to

develop divide people and life into

black and white reminds her that remind

her that life is actually gray and that

people are always in between partly bad

partly good help her because she's stuck

at a very infantile stage she regresses

to an infantile stage where Mommy is all

good or all bad you are all good and all

bad Etc help her to

integrate one major problem with uh with

borderline and this is the focus of the

itical behavioral therapy frankly is

self-mutilation which could lead to

suicidality between 10 and 11% of people

diagnosed with borderline personality

disorder actually commit suicide it's an enormous

enormous

rate so the borderline self mutilates

she can self mutilate by classically by

cutting herself or burning herself with

cigarettes this is Dermatological self

mutilation on the skin it's visible but

there are many other ways to self

mutilate for example she can sexually self

self

trash she can self trash sexually she

can she can do horrible sexual things

anything from I don't know gang bang to

to sleeping with disgusting men that she

finds revolting I mean she just to trash

herself she can abuse substances she can behave

behave

recklessly and as a way to self harm you

know if you drive recklessly you may end

up in an accident so there are numerous

ways for the borderline to self

self harm the ultimate is suicide you

need to prevent this and prevention

involves recognizing the warning signs

of suicide and these include extreme

mood swings feelings of hopelessness

giving away possessions losing interest

in activities that hither to she found

interesting talking about death or

suicide saying goodbye to family and

friends saying that everyone is a burden

on her she doesn't want to see anyone so

schizoid phase which drawing from

friends and family all these things are

signs of impending um impending episode

of self harm the problem with borderline

is escalation the borderline drinks one

drink she she drinks 20 it's like

alcohol craving r large so she can't she

can't regulate her behaviors when she

starts to do something she has no

intention to end where she usually ends

she had intention to have one drink she

she ends being in a blackout alcoholic

blackout she had an intention just to

flirt with a man she ends up having sex

with him in a ding dingy sley

Hotel she she had intentions just to

drive in the in the breeze but she ends

up wrecking the car so she escalates if

you see these signs they may lead to

suicide because she can't stop herself

there's no regulatory mechanism there so

she she starts with one intention and

she ends up with totally different act

you need to listen you need to be you

need to be ATT tuned to her you need to

be like a seismograph do not judge her

do not dismiss her do not discount or

invalidate her feelings just be a good

listener just sit next to her and let

her talk to you encourage her and prompt

her motivate her and incentivize her to

talk to you by being a kind soul by

loving her truly encourage her to

verbalize encourage encourage her to

sublimate her aggression some way do

something punch a bag write a book read

a book watch a movie go on a

walk physical activity is always very

important in all these things the

problem with the borderline is

dissociation she doesn't remember

because she doesn't remember things she

can't learn there's no process of

learning there's no memory and because

when there's no memory there's no

identity and there's no identity there's

no one there to learn so borderline

never learns it's infuriating because

she keeps repeating the same thing over

the same mistake over and over again she

keeps associating with the same people

who had mistreated her disrespected her

raped her again and again she does

everything again and again the self harm

keeps repeating the self mutilation the

wrong choices the disastrous decisions

the horrible people who had trampled all

over her she keeps coming back for more

because she has no memory she's totally

dissociative she lives in the presence

in the worst sense of the word she has

she's discontinuous she has no

continuity encourage her to develop

continuity ask her to have to journal to

have a diary where she writes everything

that's happening to her everything she

thinks everything she feels and then

encourage her to read the diary the next

day so this creates continuity at least

cognitive continuity journaling is a

very powerful tool motos

objects that carry memories or

associated with memories something with

a smell something with a taste a visual

thing that provokes a memory memory

triggers like in the famous movie

momento so memory triggers encourage her

to place poit Post-it notes on the

refrigerator on the door on chairs all

over the house Post-it notes to remind

her of things she wanted to do things

she's thinking about cons I mean there's

a Clos of between borderline personality

disorder and patients with early early

onset dementia it's very reminiscent of

some phases of Alzheimer you need to

reestablish continuity via memory

encourage her to video record herself

because video recordings are much more

powerful than written notes maybe she

should video record herself and keep

these recordings for a few days watch

them a few days later to establish this

thin thread of memory and identity

program reminders I mentioned before use

them a lot remind her of this remind her

of that ground her in reality by force

by force of love and

kindness drag her down she's floating

she's like an air balloon you know a

helium balloon drag her down ground her

Mo her in a good way tie her to your

wrist keep keep her with you she's worth

it she's worth it because most

borderlines are beautiful intelligent

heartbreakingly tender women she's worth

the investment and the effort if you're

up to it and finally borderlines have

transed paranoid ideation and they're

very likely to make you the enemy the

persecutory object if you insist on

introducing the borderline to reality if

you try to regulate her emotions and her

moods you're bound to clash with her

there's bound to be conflict as these

conflict accumulate she's going to begin

to regard you as the enemy we call it

pers secetary object she's going to

begin to develop transient paranoid

paranoid ideation about you paranoia

she's going to begin to suspect you of

malevolence and bad intentions she's

going to be wary of you she's going to

be suspicious of you she's going to

interrogate you she's going to spy on

you this is common in Border life you

don't need to worry you just need to

take it in stride it will pass that's

why we call it transient paranoid

ideation passes insist on reality

testing when she's paranoid journaling

question her doubt her counter her

paranoia with your own paranoia mirror

her use a secret code or an exit

strategy and agree on it when she is not

paranoid and when she is paranoid use

the secret code or exit strategy or safe

word for her to freeze and suspend her

paranoia So when you say the word work she

she

freezes she doesn't continue with her

paranoid ideation until it passes you

need to counter all these things you

need to fight being with the borderline

is a prolonged prolonged fight on

multiple fronts every possible front

actually now some intimate Partners some

men because I'm using the example of a

woman with borderline some men find it

worthwhile because borderlines have

gifts to give which very few women do

the borderline a typical borderline

maintains her childlike

pureness and

goodness a a typical borderline when she

loves you you would never ever

experience a love like that in your life

it is total love she is immersed in you

it's not like the codependent

codependent depends on you so in the

codependent there's a strong

transactional element the borderline

loves you essentially

unconditionally like I would say a

mother does but she loves you as a woman

not as a mother a borderline is

typically a woman's woman because she's

very you know flirtatious seductive and

so you're into this kind of woman I mean

she's a woman's woman there's a lot it's

a treasure typical borderline woman is a

treasure but the price is very high and

constant and you need to be on your toes

you need to walk on exells all the time

most men would say the price is not

worth the price I'm one of the few who

thought think probably will think in the

future that the price is well worth the

price I have paid a very big personal

price for my exclusive choice of borderline

borderline

women but whatever price I had received

made all the prices I've paid well worth

it not your cup of tea go away don't

even start because you may you may get

captivated and trapped avoid contact

with borderline women they are very very

alluring and

addictive if it's not your cup of tea

walk away if you can't do all these

things that I just mentioned on a

regular daily basis hourly basis I mean

just walk away it's a full-time job it's

a full-time maintenance

job if you can and you're up to

it a treasure awaits you at the end of the

the

so like

many you love your

narcissist you don't want your

narcissist to walk away you want him to

remain in your lives because when you

are with your narcissist you feel much more

alive you feel that the world is full of

colors when he is away

when he's absent when he had abandoned

you the world becomes black and white

dull boring predictable The Narcissist

brings into your life excitement thrill novelty

novelty

Adventure it's very difficult without

the narcissist The Narcissist actually

reflects an idealized view of you The

Narcissist makes you in some ways love

yourself or the very least love your

life and this is highly

addictive so I'm going to teach you how

to keep the

narcissist how to not lose your

narcissist how to make sure that you

spend a long time with your narcissist

as long as you wish but before I do so a

disclaimer in

1995 I am the one who invented the no

contact strategy

yes I'm the guy who invented no

contact and for well over 10 years until

2004 I paid a very dear price for this

coping strategy because the entire

profession psychologists

psychotherapists marriage counselors

everyone was attacking me and they

attacked me because they said that the

no contact strategy is cruel is

unnecessary is

wrong today no contact is the standard

advice Dev it's the

mainstream coping strategy today you go

to a therapist a counselor anyone and

they tell you well if you can you know

cut your losses walk away

disolve dissolve the diet break the

relationship break

up and to this very day this is by far

the best advice it's much better than

gray rock and any other color of Rock

it's much better than mirroring which is

a technique that I also invented it's

much better than any

known method to manipulate the

narcissist or to cope with him just walk

away and it doesn't matter if the

narcissist in your life is your son or

your daughter or your husband or even

your parent your mother your

father staying in touch with the

narcissist is a process of

osmotic osmotic

poisoning the narcissist is like a toxic

frog it is aesthetically enticing but if

you touch his skin he poisons you

incrementally gradually

imperceptibly until you shrivel and you

die like a plant without

water why would you wish upon yourself

such a fate is beyond me but there are

some people women

mostly whose emotional

needs are such that the narcissist caters

caters

best to their internal processes they

get from The Narcissist what they cannot

get from any other type of

person maybe they have a need to be

mothers and the narcissist caters to the

mother Eternal instincts because he is

an eternal adolescent he's a

child narcissist is a case of Arrested

Development maybe they are afraid these

women are afraid of intimacy they have a

dysfunctional attachment style this sits

well sits well with a narcissist his

attachment style he's anywhere between

non-existent and

dysfunctional maybe they maybe they are

a bit Psychopathic or antisocial and

they like novelty and excitement and

thrill and the lack of impulse control

narcissist gives you all that in ample measure

measure

so some

people have been conditioned by years of

dysfunctional wrong upbringing to be

with narcissist there is even a

subspecies of covert narcissist the

inverted narcissist who thrives only

when her intimate partner is a

narcissist she basks in the narcissist

reflected Glory

she deres the narcissistic Supply from

her primary narcissist Supply she's like

the moon to the narcissist Sun her light is

reflected so you can't generalize and say

say

that no one should ever be with the

narcissist under any circumstances there

are small groups of people women Muslim

who find the narcissist the only

solution and a Diet with a narcissist is

the only viable Arrangement so for these

women to these women and for these women

I want to give a few

tips Insider tips if you wish

leaves from The Narcissist user manual

how to keep him how to make him happy

how to make him

stay and so the first thing is that

that

um having said that my device is leave

now leave before the effects of abuse

including complex post-traumatic stress

disorder before these effects become

entrenched and leave him before your

children begin to pay the price as well

that's my advice but if you insist on

staying always against the best interest

of yourself in your nearest and dearest

here's a survival manual let's start

with the five don't do there's five don't

don't

do if you

do certain things you incur the Wrath of

the narcissist you provoke his rage you

provoke his abuse and his abuse could be

up to little you don't want the

narcissist to be your enemy you don't

want want him to consider you a

persecutory object you don't want to to

feel that you are deliberately

frustrating him so here's five things

you should never do number One never

disagree with the narcissist

never contradict the

narcissist never criticize The

Narcissist never if you can speak if

you're not spoken to background noise

just be there no your

head um adulate

admire reflect back remind The

Narcissist of his grandio moments his

accomplishments his acclaim to fame his

N9 minutes of

Glory that's your job you're an external

memory you're an external memory you

you're a

repository of all the past narcissistic

Supply and you provide secondary Supply

you regulate the flow of narcissistic

Supply in the narcissist life you can't

do that if you disagree with him or

contradict him let alone if you CRI

bad never offer The Narcissist any

intimacy and that includes never offer

him advice never offer him a help never

offer to help

him never give him another point of view

never suggest

anything never tell him how much you

love him never suddenly hug or Embrace

him uncontrollably

impulsively intimacy is a

threat if you offer The Narcissist

advice or help it means that you're

Superior to him in some way you know

something he doesn't know if you have

another point of view that means he did

not consider all points of view he is

Godlike he sees everything he knows

everything there's nothing you can

contribute to him there's nothing you

know there's nothing you see that he

hadn't already long ago considered

if you try to imply that there is then

you're challenging his grandiosity

you're undermining his self-perception

and self-image you are

destabilizing the inner precarious

equilibrium that it took him decades to

establish it's bad news you're bad news

you're becoming bad

news intimacy does the same because when

you offer intimacy what you're saying is

I know you intimacy is

founded on knowing the other person you

you can't have intimacy with a total stranger you intimacy develops and

stranger you intimacy develops and evolves and is a derivative in a

evolves and is a derivative in a byproduct of getting to know each other

byproduct of getting to know each other but the narcissist like God is

but the narcissist like God is unknowable who are you to know him you

unknowable who are you to know him you don't have the necessary intelligence

don't have the necessary intelligence you don't have the necessary

you don't have the necessary skills you he's above he's above you

skills you he's above he's above you he's so much above you it's like an ant

he's so much above you it's like an ant trying to understand uh a human being

trying to understand uh a human being the gap between you is so enormous

the gap between you is so enormous you're chimpanzee he's human I mean this

you're chimpanzee he's human I mean this is no way you can really know him you

is no way you can really know him you can guess but you can never

can guess but you can never know

know moreover intimacy is something everyone

moreover intimacy is something everyone does everyone does intimacy everyone in

does everyone does intimacy everyone in his dog does intimacy so if you're

his dog does intimacy so if you're offering in him intimacy if you're

offering in him intimacy if you're offering the narcissist intimacy you're

offering the narcissist intimacy you're actually telling the narcissist you're

actually telling the narcissist you're you're like everyone else you're average

you're like everyone else you're average you're common there's no bigger insult

you're common there's no bigger insult narcissist react with rage to two

narcissist react with rage to two things ignoring them and implying

things ignoring them and implying directly or indirectly that they're not

directly or indirectly that they're not special and intimacy does exactly this

special and intimacy does exactly this it implies that the narcissist is not

it implies that the narcissist is not special that he is in need of something

special that he is in need of something that you can get to know him that he is

that you can get to know him that he is graspable that is you know just human

graspable that is you know just human not don't regard themselves as human

not don't regard themselves as human they regard themselves as perfect

they regard themselves as perfect Machinery or

Machinery or Gods

Gods so my next advice is look OD you know O

so my next advice is look OD you know O A W E look OD by whatever attribute

A W E look OD by whatever attribute matters to him for example if he puts

matters to him for example if he puts emphasis on his professional

emphasis on his professional accomplishments every time he mentions

accomplishments every time he mentions his profession or his accomplishments

his profession or his accomplishments look as though you are thunder struck

look as though you are thunder struck thunder struck nothing short of thunder

thunder struck nothing short of thunder stru look like you are adulating and

stru look like you are adulating and admiring him prostrating himself before

admiring him prostrating himself before his implied

his implied Divinity don't be afraid to overdo it

Divinity don't be afraid to overdo it you can be as UNS subtle as obvious as

you can be as UNS subtle as obvious as overt and as

overt and as manipulative and as

manipulative and as exaggerated and as caricatured as you

exaggerated and as caricatured as you want to be and then narcissist will not

want to be and then narcissist will not notice flattery adulation admiration

notice flattery adulation admiration will get you anywhere and everywhere

will get you anywhere and everywhere with your narcissist he's a kid he's a

with your narcissist he's a kid he's a child he's a

child he's a baby if what matters to him is his good

baby if what matters to him is his good looks keep telling him how handsome he

looks keep telling him how handsome he is if it's his professional

is if it's his professional accomplishments tell him what a genius

accomplishments tell him what a genius is if it's his success with women tell

is if it's his success with women tell him is irresistible support his

him is irresistible support his delusions enhance them amplify them them

delusions enhance them amplify them them agree with them get yourself

agree with them get yourself Incorporated in them show him the

Incorporated in them show him the effect that his magnanimous benevolence

effect that his magnanimous benevolence has on you that his Divine deity like

has on you that his Divine deity like attributes have on you I mean show him

attributes have on you I mean show him how you're transformed by his mere

how you're transformed by his mere presence worship Him worship

presence worship Him worship Him next advice never ever remind The

Him next advice never ever remind The Narcissist of reality

Narcissist of reality or of Life out

or of Life out there this reality impinges on the

there this reality impinges on the narcissist sense of grandiosity reality

narcissist sense of grandiosity reality hurts reality is injurious reality keeps

hurts reality is injurious reality keeps reminding the narciss you're so small

reminding the narciss you're so small you're not as smart as you think you're

you're not as smart as you think you're making you're you're fallible you're

making you're you're fallible you're fallible you make mistakes

fallible you make mistakes so don't remind The Narcissist how

so don't remind The Narcissist how fallible he is don't remind him of

fallible he is don't remind him of reality he hates reality he wants to

reality he hates reality he wants to divorce

divorce reality he narcissist withdraws from

reality he narcissist withdraws from reality he has an impaired reality

reality he has an impaired reality testing and he constructs a fantastic

testing and he constructs a fantastic bubble and he lives within this

bubble and he lives within this fantastic bubble he inhabits it he

fantastic bubble he inhabits it he resides in it and this is his sense of

resides in it and this is his sense of grandiosity depends crucially on not

grandiosity depends crucially on not being in touch with reality or on

being in touch with reality or on confirmation bias filtering out

confirmation bias filtering out counterveiling information injurious

counterveiling information injurious data

data and external mortification when people

and external mortification when people humiliate him or insult him or challenge

humiliate him or insult him or challenge him criticize him or disagree with him

him criticize him or disagree with him he filters all this out it's like it had

he filters all this out it's like it had never happened don't remind him of

never happened don't remind him of it the last don't do is do not make any

it the last don't do is do not make any comment which might directly impinge on

comment which might directly impinge on his self-image on his omnipotence on his

his self-image on his omnipotence on his judgment good judgment on his

judgment good judgment on his omniscience on his skills his

omniscience on his skills his capabilities his professional record or

capabilities his professional record or even on his

even on his omnipresence he knows everything he is

omnipresence he knows everything he is everywhere he is all powerful he is the

everywhere he is all powerful he is the most most perfect most brilliant most

most most perfect most brilliant most handsome most everything go along with

handsome most everything go along with that conform confirm accept uphold

that conform confirm accept uphold butress amplify

butress amplify add bad sentences start with the words I

add bad sentences start with the words I think you may have overlooked or or

think you may have overlooked or or maybe you made a mistake here or I don't

maybe you made a mistake here or I don't know if you know but or you were not

know if you know but or you were not here yesterday

here yesterday so or you can't do that or you shouldn't

so or you can't do that or you shouldn't do

do that all these things are

that all these things are rude

rude injurious challenging hurtful

injurious challenging hurtful frustrating and above all

frustrating and above all malevolent you become a persecutory

malevolent you become a persecutory object you're out to get him you're out

object you're out to get him you're out to ruin him you're out how to you plus

to ruin him you're out how to you plus it makes you look stupid I mean you're

it makes you look stupid I mean you're an idiot if you can't grasp his his

an idiot if you can't grasp his his magnificence if you can grasp The

magnificence if you can grasp The Narcissist Perfection and Brilliance his

Narcissist Perfection and Brilliance his genius his irresistibility something's

genius his irresistibility something's wrong with you maybe he made a mistake

wrong with you maybe he made a mistake maybe you're not the right partner

maybe you're not the right partner nisses react very badly to restriction

nisses react very badly to restriction placed on their freedom and to

placed on their freedom and to challenges to their

grandiosity um generally speaking don't start S

generally speaking don't start S sentences with the first pronoun don't

sentences with the first pronoun don't start sentences with the word I my mine

start sentences with the word I my mine you don't exist is an autonomous entity

you don't exist is an autonomous entity you have no personal autonomy you're not

you have no personal autonomy you're not independent you're an extension you are

independent you're an extension you are not separate from the narcissist you

not separate from the narcissist you have merged and fused with him you are a

have merged and fused with him you are a construct within his mind you're an

construct within his mind you're an internal object that anytime you say I

internal object that anytime you say I it reminds him that you are outside him

it reminds him that you are outside him that you are not controlled by him that

that you are not controlled by him that you may hurt him by abandoning him

you may hurt him by abandoning him narcissists have object in

narcissists have object in constancy they fear abandonment and

constancy they fear abandonment and separation because they're babies babies

separation because they're babies babies fear abandonment and separation out of

fear abandonment and separation out of sight out of mind never mention the fact

sight out of mind never mention the fact the fact that you are separate

the fact that you are separate independent entity narcissist regard

independent entity narcissist regard other people as extensions and their

other people as extensions and their internalization processes were screwed

internalization processes were screwed up they don't differentiate properly

up they don't differentiate properly between themselves and the world The

between themselves and the world The Narcissist in this sense are nothing

Narcissist in this sense are nothing short of psychotic they confuse internal

short of psychotic they confuse internal objects and external object and your

objects and external object and your internal I hope you get the G this is

internal I hope you get the G this is what not to do to not do now what about

what not to do to not do now what about what to do how to make your narcissist

what to do how to make your narcissist dependent on you how to um how to make

dependent on you how to um how to make him want to stay with you if you insist

him want to stay with you if you insist on staying with him of course which is

on staying with him of course which is highly counterproductive and

highly counterproductive and self-destructive but it's your choice I

self-destructive but it's your choice I respect your choice I recognize your

respect your choice I recognize your personal

personal autonomy maybe I'm not an narcissist who

autonomy maybe I'm not an narcissist who knows

knows so how to how to make him want you how

so how to how to make him want you how to make him never leave you number one

to make him never leave you number one listen attentively to everything The

listen attentively to everything The Narcissist says agree with everything he

Narcissist says agree with everything he says even if he says it's evening and

says even if he says it's evening and it's morning it's evening NIS are never

it's morning it's evening NIS are never wrong they are the only ones who can

wrong they are the only ones who can change who can review who can revise who

change who can review who can revise who can modify and alter what they had said

can modify and alter what they had said you don't have these rights you don't

you don't have these rights you don't have administrator rights you are user

have administrator rights you are user you're a client but not an administrator

you're a client but not an administrator so he rules the computer you can't hack

so he rules the computer you can't hack you can't enter you are not allowed to

you can't enter you are not allowed to disagree even if he makes the most

disagree even if he makes the most outlandish egregiously in insane and

outlandish egregiously in insane and idiotic statements

idiotic statements counterfactual

counterfactual you must accept them agree with them

you must accept them agree with them enthusiastically and vehemently and even

enthusiastically and vehemently and even add to them support them you don't have

add to them support them you don't have to believe what he says you don't have

to believe what he says you don't have to believe a word The Narcissist says

to believe a word The Narcissist says but let it slide let it slide as if

but let it slide let it slide as if everything is just fine business is

everything is just fine business is usual advice number two personally

usual advice number two personally offers something absolutely unique to

offers something absolutely unique to The Narcissist which they cannot obtain

The Narcissist which they cannot obtain any anywhere else if he likes kinky sex

any anywhere else if he likes kinky sex be more kinky than sexual if he likes

be more kinky than sexual if he likes food cook ceaselessly a variety of

food cook ceaselessly a variety of Cuisines always be prepared to line up

Cuisines always be prepared to line up future sources of primary narcissistic

future sources of primary narcissistic supply for your narcissist because you

supply for your narcissist because you will not be it for very long if at all

will not be it for very long if at all you need to become a source of sources

you need to become a source of sources you need to become a database

you need to become a database of potentials he needs to refer to you

of potentials he needs to refer to you as he would refer to Google you need to

as he would refer to Google you need to become a search engine if you take over

become a search engine if you take over the proc procuring function if you take

the proc procuring function if you take over the scouting function if you take

over the scouting function if you take over casing the joints for the

over casing the joints for the narcissist they become that much more

narcissist they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit

dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their hty stuff

tougher for them to pull their hty stuff um which they will do in any case but

um which they will do in any case but much less so the more than n is

much less so the more than n is dependent on you the less he will abuse

dependent on you the less he will abuse you and the less he will take the risk

you and the less he will take the risk that you will abandon or dump

that you will abandon or dump him advice number three be endlessly

him advice number three be endlessly patient endlessly patient it's a child a

patient endlessly patient it's a child a young

young child the average mental age of most

child the average mental age of most narcissists is between four and

narcissists is between four and six so be endlessly patient remember

six so be endlessly patient remember your own children if you have any

your own children if you have any remember when they were

remember when they were four go out of your way to accommodate

four go out of your way to accommodate the narcissist keep the narcissistic

the narcissist keep the narcissistic Supply flowing liberally and keep the

Supply flowing liberally and keep the peace relatively

peace relatively speaking use child psychology

speaking use child psychology techniques uh interact with anaris as

techniques uh interact with anaris as you would have interacted with a baby be

you would have interacted with a baby be endlessly

endlessly giving be endlessly

giving be endlessly giving you may find this a very

giving you may find this a very unattractive

unattractive proposition but it's a take it or live

proposition but it's a take it or live it proposition you have to give

it proposition you have to give give and give and you have to be ready

give and give and you have to be ready to receive nothing in return your

to receive nothing in return your position is to give your reward the

position is to give your reward the prize the gratification is in giving you

prize the gratification is in giving you need to be a giving person you need to

need to be a giving person you need to be needed as lyia

be needed as lyia gapi you need

gapi you need to to feel that by catering to someone

to to feel that by catering to someone else's needs your narcissist in this

else's needs your narcissist in this case you are the one who is being

case you are the one who is being fulfilled

and it's not altruism it's actually a form of control

altruism it's actually a form of control codependence control via giving so this

codependence control via giving so this way you will control your narcissis the

way you will control your narcissis the more you give the more he is under your

more you give the more he is under your thumb the more you can

thumb the more you can manipulate next be absolutely

manipulate next be absolutely emotionally and financially independent

emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist I repeat this be

of the narcissist I repeat this be emotionally independent emotionally

emotionally independent emotionally independent of the narcissist don't let

independent of the narcissist don't let him

him regulate your motions and stabilize your

regulate your motions and stabilize your labile moods don't make him the source

labile moods don't make him the source of your inner internal

of your inner internal regulation and do your best to gradually

regulation and do your best to gradually build up Financial Independence steal

build up Financial Independence steal money from him and put it away in some

money from him and put it away in some countries it's called the black fund you

countries it's called the black fund you know save money steal money here and

know save money steal money here and there put it away for a rainy day make

there put it away for a rainy day make sure you have a reserve take what you

sure you have a reserve take what you need take the excitement take the

need take the excitement take the engulfment refuse to get upset refuse to

engulfment refuse to get upset refuse to get hurt when the narcissist does or

get hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb rude or insensitive

says something dumb rude or insensitive and he will he will he will because he

and he will he will he will because he recognizes No Boundaries and he does not

recognizes No Boundaries and he does not recognize a separate entity he's talking

recognize a separate entity he's talking to himself he's talking to your

to himself he's talking to your representation in his mind something

representation in his mind something that I call

that I call snapshot your you're an internal object

snapshot your you're an internal object he can't by definition hurt you or

he can't by definition hurt you or slight you or humiliate you or insult

slight you or humiliate you or insult you he can be rud you can't be rude to

you he can be rud you can't be rude to yourself and yelling

yourself and yelling back sometimes works well this is part

back sometimes works well this is part of my mirroring

of my mirroring technique but you should Reserve this to

technique but you should Reserve this to special occasions if you don't want to

special occasions if you don't want to erode erode the efficaciousness of this

erode erode the efficaciousness of this technique the more you use it the more

technique the more you use it the more it's like inflation with money you know

it's like inflation with money you know the more money you print the less

the more money you print the less valuable the money the more you yell

valuable the money the more you yell back the less it has effect use it on

back the less it has effect use it on special occasions when you fear that

special occasions when you fear that your narcissist may be on the verge of

your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving

leaving you silent treatment is a better

you silent treatment is a better ordinary response but it must be carried

ordinary response but it must be carried out without any emotional content you

out without any emotional content you must be detached you must be called you

must be detached you must be called you must be impervious you must be apathetic

must be impervious you must be apathetic and

and indifferent you must be you must appear

indifferent you must be you must appear to be bored with him and I'll talk to

to be bored with him and I'll talk to you later when I'm good and ready and

you later when I'm good and ready and you when you are behaving in a more

you when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion and just walk

reasonable fashion and just walk away use manipulative techniques the

away use manipulative techniques the only way to survive in a relationship

only way to survive in a relationship with a naris is to counter his

with a naris is to counter his manipulations with yours leverage his

manipulations with yours leverage his manipulations against him like in

manipulations against him like in martial arts use the enemy the enemy's

martial arts use the enemy the enemy's force and power and momentum against him

force and power and momentum against him him if your narcissist is cerebral and

him if your narcissist is cerebral and he's not interested in in sex what

he's not interested in in sex what should you do now well give yourself

should you do now well give yourself ample permission to cheat on him to have

ample permission to cheat on him to have hidden sex with other people be discreet

hidden sex with other people be discreet don't be injurious don't be ostentatious

don't be injurious don't be ostentatious but you need sex do not deny your needs

but you need sex do not deny your needs if you feel like having sex he doesn't

if you feel like having sex he doesn't give it to you you have a full moral

give it to you you have a full moral right to look for it elsewhere your

right to look for it elsewhere your cerebral narcissist will not be

cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion

indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of Paramount importance

and secrecy is of Paramount importance but there's a difference between

but there's a difference between discretion and secrecy and deception

discretion and secrecy and deception usually cerebral narcissist and and

usually cerebral narcissist and and their spouses or intimate Partners or

their spouses or intimate Partners or mates they settle into something called

mates they settle into something called Don't Ask Don't Tell don't rub it in his

Don't Ask Don't Tell don't rub it in his face but don't deceive there's no need

face but don't deceive there's no need to deceive he will never he doesn't care

to deceive he will never he doesn't care he will never even ask you anything you

he will never even ask you anything you go go out you come in who cares who he

go go out you come in who cares who he doesn't care who you're with on the

doesn't care who you're with on the contrary by the way he's relieved this

contrary by the way he's relieved this chore is someone else's problem some

chore is someone else's problem some other men's

other men's problem and if your narcissist is

problem and if your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind join in in

somatic and you don't mind join in in endlessly interesting group sex

endlessly interesting group sex encounters make sure to choose properly

encounters make sure to choose properly for your narcissist because they are

for your narcissist because they are indiscriminate they don't care about

indiscriminate they don't care about sexually transmitted diseases and so on

sexually transmitted diseases and so on better to control the

better to control the situation I know you you find this

situation I know you you find this particular advice very offputting and

particular advice very offputting and even shocking what I will participate in

even shocking what I will participate in th I will swing with my narcissist or I

th I will swing with my narcissist or I will agree to kinky sex humiliation

will agree to kinky sex humiliation sadistic sex no way well if you don't he

sadistic sex no way well if you don't he will go ahead anyhow but he will go

will go ahead anyhow but he will go ahead anyhow without your control

ahead anyhow without your control without your knowledge he will bring

without your knowledge he will bring home diseases he will do horrible things

home diseases he will do horrible things he will give all your money to someone

he will give all your money to someone you must control him as a child and the

you must control him as a child and the only way to control the narcissist is to

only way to control the narcissist is to coopt him to cooperate with him to

coopt him to cooperate with him to collaborate with him to become a part of

collaborate with him to become a part of his world if he's into group sex so

his world if he's into group sex so should you if he's into three SS you

should you if he's into three SS you should be one of the

should be one of the three and if he needs sexual partners

three and if he needs sexual partners outside the marriage outside the diet

outside the marriage outside the diet outside the the that you know procure

outside the the that you know procure bring him your friends bring him some

bring him your friends bring him some other people you must control the

other people you must control the situation um they're heedless they're

situation um they're heedless they're very undiscriminating in respect of

very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very um

sexual partners and that can get very um problematic not only sexual STDs but for

problematic not only sexual STDs but for example

blackma if you're a fixer then focus on fixing not the narcissist but fix fixing

fixing not the narcissist but fix fixing situations preferably before they become

situations preferably before they become situations do not attempt to fix your

situations do not attempt to fix your Nar narcissis for two reasons he's not

Nar narcissis for two reasons he's not fixable and the second reason he's going

fixable and the second reason he's going to resent it really badly it's going to

to resent it really badly it's going to create a lot of friction and a lot of

create a lot of friction and a lot of conflict and then he's going to dump you

conflict and then he's going to dump you because he would perceive this as a

because he would perceive this as a challenge to his grandiosity constant

challenge to his grandiosity constant challenge to his grandiosity so let it

challenge to his grandiosity so let it go let it slide ignore it focus on

go let it slide ignore it focus on objectives on goals on situations fix

objectives on goals on situations fix what needs fixing ignore your narcissist

what needs fixing ignore your narcissist don't for one moment delude yourself

don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist it

that you can fix the narcissist it simply will not happen not because

simply will not happen not because they're being stubborn they just simply

they're being stubborn they just simply can't be fixed end of story not every

can't be fixed end of story not every problem has a solution narcissism is one

problem has a solution narcissism is one problem that has no solution not even

problem that has no solution not even Cod therapy my new treatment modality

Cod therapy my new treatment modality code therapy doesn't cure narcissism it

code therapy doesn't cure narcissism it eliminates the need for grandiosity and

eliminates the need for grandiosity and it destroys the FAL

it destroys the FAL that's

that's it if there is any fixing fixing that

it if there is any fixing fixing that can be done it is to help your

can be done it is to help your narcissist become aware of their

narcissist become aware of their condition that you can do gradually

condition that you can do gradually gently subtly patiently lovingly

gently subtly patiently lovingly compassionately without challenging not

compassionately without challenging not headon not in a confront confrontational

headon not in a confront confrontational Manner and not in a narcissistic man

Manner and not in a narcissistic man don't be

don't be grandio so but you can gradually make

grandio so but you can gradually make him become aware of his condition it's

him become aware of his condition it's very important don't go into negative

very important don't go into negative implications into accusations in the

implications into accusations in the process don't make it positive

process don't make it positive psychology not negative psychology it is

psychology not negative psychology it is like living with a physically

like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to

handicapped person and being able to discuss calmly unemotionally what the

discuss calmly unemotionally what the limitations and benefits of the handicap

limitations and benefits of the handicap are of the disability and how the two of

are of the disability and how the two of you can work with these factors with his

you can work with these factors with his disability rather than trying to change

disability rather than trying to change his disability someone is quite rep

his disability someone is quite rep plgic the only thing you can change is

plgic the only thing you can change is the

the wheelchair change the

wheelchair change the wheelchair finally most importantly of

wheelchair finally most importantly of all you should know

all you should know yourself you focus too too much on him

yourself you focus too too much on him all victims Focus too much on the abuser

all victims Focus too much on the abuser they refuse to see themselves and their

they refuse to see themselves and their contribution to what had happened what

contribution to what had happened what is

is happening they

happening they deny sometimes

deny sometimes ferociously sometimes malevolently their

ferociously sometimes malevolently their own narcissism and their

own narcissism and their own uh unsavory behaviors you must know

own uh unsavory behaviors you must know yourself it's a source A F of power what

yourself it's a source A F of power what are you getting out of the relationship

are you getting out of the relationship are you actually a masochist maybe

are you actually a masochist maybe codependent perhaps why is this

codependent perhaps why is this relationship attractive to you why is it

relationship attractive to you why is it interesting Define for yourself what

interesting Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe

good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship

you are receiving in this relationship Define the things that you find harmful

Define the things that you find harmful bad for you develop strategies to

bad for you develop strategies to minimize this harm this hurt this pain

minimize this harm this hurt this pain the evil aspects don't expect that you

the evil aspects don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with

will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are

the narcissist to change who they are you can't negotiate with them you can't

you can't negotiate with them you can't agree with them they break promises and

agree with them they break promises and contracts because they have no

contracts because they have no constancy you you don't honor a contract

constancy you you don't honor a contract with someone who who who faces in and

with someone who who who faces in and out of

out of existence I mean you're out of sight

existence I mean you're out of sight you're out of mind you don't exist

you're out of mind you don't exist you're back you exist how do you

you're back you exist how do you maintain continuity when you're in

maintain continuity when you're in permanent state of inconstancy in the

permanent state of inconstancy in the association it's hopeless don't make

association it's hopeless don't make agreements with the narcissists

agreements with the narcissists contracts compacts promises decisions

contracts compacts promises decisions it's ridiculous what are you negotiating

it's ridiculous what are you negotiating with a

with a four-year-old you may have some limited

four-year-old you may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to

success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really abrasive and

tone down on the really abrasive and harm harmful behaviors the behaviors

harm harmful behaviors the behaviors that affect you which emanate from the

that affect you which emanate from the unchangeable the immutable what the

unchangeable the immutable what the narcissist is is Essence so we can

narcissist is is Essence so we can modify Behavior you can

modify Behavior you can modify to some extent don't expect too

modify to some extent don't expect too much this can only be accomplished in a

much this can only be accomplished in a very trusting Frank and open

very trusting Frank and open relationship and I want to suggest to

relationship and I want to suggest to you a few resolutions personal

you a few resolutions personal resolutions New Year resolutions if you

resolutions New Year resolutions if you wish resolutions are notoriously fragile

wish resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral but but victims of abuse

and ephemeral but but victims of abuse cannot afford this Cavalier

cannot afford this Cavalier attitude your mental and too often

attitude your mental and too often physical health they depend on Strictly

physical health they depend on Strictly observing the following promises to

observing the following promises to yourself number one I will treat myself

yourself number one I will treat myself with dignity I will demand respect from

with dignity I will demand respect from others I will not allow anyone to

others I will not allow anyone to disrespect me number two I will set

disrespect me number two I will set clear boundaries and I will make known

clear boundaries and I will make known to other people what I regard as

to other people what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and

permissible and acceptable behavior and what is off limits and out of bounds

what is off limits and out of bounds number three I will not tolerate abuse I

number three I will not tolerate abuse I will not tolerate aggression in any

will not tolerate aggression in any shape form or these guys I will seek to

shape form or these guys I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and

terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally if I can't I'll walk

unequivocally if I can't I'll walk away number four I will be assertive and

away number four I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs wishes and

unambiguous about my needs wishes and expectations from other people I will

expectations from other people I will not be arrogant but I will be confident

not be arrogant but I will be confident I will be assertive I will not be self

I will be assertive I will not be self effacing I will not be meek I will not

effacing I will not be meek I will not be selfish I will not be grandio I will

be selfish I will not be grandio I will not be narcissistic I will not be hty

not be narcissistic I will not be hty but I will love myself I will care for

but I will love myself I will care for myself I come first in the best sense of

myself I come first in the best sense of the word for me to love others I must

the word for me to love others I must love myself for me to care for others I

love myself for me to care for others I must first take care of myself number

must first take care of myself number five I will get to know myself better I

five I will get to know myself better I will study I make myself into a topic of

will study I make myself into a topic of study I will make my r myself my project

study I will make my r myself my project number six I will treat other people as

number six I will treat other people as I want them to treat me that's a very

I want them to treat me that's a very ancient

ancient wisdom I will try to lead by way of self

wisdom I will try to lead by way of self examp by way of example number seven if

examp by way of example number seven if I'm habitually

I'm habitually disrespected regularly abused or if my

disrespected regularly abused or if my boundaries are constantly ignored and

boundaries are constantly ignored and breached I will go no contact I will

breached I will go no contact I will break up I will turn the relationship

break up I will turn the relationship with the abuser forth with zero

with the abuser forth with zero tolerance Zero Tolerance first strike

tolerance Zero Tolerance first strike and you're out and no Second Chance will

and you're out and no Second Chance will be my maxims for

be my maxims for self-preservation I wish you luck with

self-preservation I wish you luck with your narcissist it's not an easy ride

your narcissist it's not an easy ride some of you think that it's the only

some of you think that it's the only ride in town you're wrong there are many

ride in town you're wrong there are many buses where this one has departed but

buses where this one has departed but you insist to ride a specific bus

you insist to ride a specific bus polluted dirty infected it's your choice

polluted dirty infected it's your choice at least do it

properly the other day I came across an amazing unprecedented

amazing unprecedented phenomenon a comment on one of my

phenomenon a comment on one of my YouTube videos that I failed to

delete it's a pleasure you know I can't control it okay shim what did the

control it okay shim what did the comment

comment say son that's me how exactly does the

say son that's me how exactly does the intimate partner regulate the borderline

intimate partner regulate the borderline emotions how does the regulation occur

emotions how does the regulation occur what does the partner do to affect

what does the partner do to affect emotional regulation in the borderline

emotional regulation in the borderline now I coined the phrase external

now I coined the phrase external regulation to describe a form of

regulation to describe a form of internal regulation and I did this in

internal regulation and I did this in order to discombobulate you look it

order to discombobulate you look it up external regulation

up external regulation is when the process of internal

is when the process of internal regulation is

regulation is misattributed to an external

misattributed to an external Source now in healthy normal people the

Source now in healthy normal people the control of moods emotions interaction

control of moods emotions interaction with reality reality testing Etc all

with reality reality testing Etc all these come from the

these come from the inside there is a a sensation there's a

inside there is a a sensation there's a feeling there's an experience of innate

feeling there's an experience of innate control inherent something

control inherent something that is embedded somewhere in your in

that is embedded somewhere in your in your chest or

your chest or something in external

something in external control the control of moods emotions

control the control of moods emotions reality testing cognitions you name it

reality testing cognitions you name it emotions are the main thing but many

emotions are the main thing but many other things are being regulated on a on

other things are being regulated on a on a on a regular basis so in external

a on a regular basis so in external regulation the internal processes of

regulation the internal processes of Regulation

Regulation continue a pace exactly like in normal

continue a pace exactly like in normal or healthy people but the

or healthy people but the individual firmly

individual firmly believes that the regulation is coming

believes that the regulation is coming from the

from the outside there's this is a kind of misri

outside there's this is a kind of misri attribution or if you wish kind of

attribution or if you wish kind of attribution

attribution error and this is the topic of today's

error and this is the topic of today's video how does the borderline

video how does the borderline experience this regulation that is

experience this regulation that is coming from the outside the hand the

coming from the outside the hand the hand of God if you

hand of God if you wish what is what is taking place in her

wish what is what is taking place in her mind or his mind half of all borderlines

mind or his mind half of all borderlines are men what is taking place in her mind

are men what is taking place in her mind when she interacts with someone she

when she interacts with someone she believes is reaching

believes is reaching inside reaching inside her brain inside

inside reaching inside her brain inside her mind and rearranging the furniture

her mind and rearranging the furniture how does it feel what does she feel how

how does it feel what does she feel how does she interpret it what kind of

does she interpret it what kind of narrative or story is she telling

narrative or story is she telling herself that's the topic of today's

herself that's the topic of today's video and who better qualified to

video and who better qualified to discuss it than m m Sam vakin author of

discuss it than m m Sam vakin author of malignance of Love narcissism Revisited

malignance of Love narcissism Revisited the first book ever on narcissistic

the first book ever on narcissistic abuse and a professor of Clinical

abuse and a professor of Clinical Psychology in multiple universities

Psychology in multiple universities lately okay let's delve right in

lately okay let's delve right in we all have a regulatory system

we all have a regulatory system regulatory system are a group a set of

regulatory system are a group a set of interacting

interacting mechanisms that act in order to maintain

mechanisms that act in order to maintain equilibrium om

equilibrium om homeostasis any other stable

homeostasis any other stable state so regulation or with within or

state so regulation or with within or mediated via the regulatory system is

mediated via the regulatory system is about

about stability the main purpose of Regulation

stability the main purpose of Regulation is to maintain stability even even

is to maintain stability even even Financial

Financial regulation for example the

regulation for example the FED um National Banks even Financial

FED um National Banks even Financial regulation is about maintaining

regulation is about maintaining stability now human beings regulate many

stability now human beings regulate many things all the time physiologically but

things all the time physiologically but also psychologically and mentally

also psychologically and mentally processes that happen in the brain they

processes that happen in the brain they regulate people for example regulate

regulate people for example regulate Consciousness there are many activities

Consciousness there are many activities taking place within your mind that are

taking place within your mind that are aimed at managing or changing the state

aimed at managing or changing the state and contents of

and contents of Consciousness avoiding pain seeking

Consciousness avoiding pain seeking pleasure uh sicking Thrills risks and

pleasure uh sicking Thrills risks and variety etc etc self-destructive

variety etc etc self-destructive activities self harming chemical

activities self harming chemical intoxication self mutilation substance

intoxication self mutilation substance abuse they also forms of effort

abuse they also forms of effort attempts to regulate States Of

attempts to regulate States Of Consciousness they're self-destructive

Consciousness they're self-destructive self-defeating they're dysfunctional

self-defeating they're dysfunctional they're wrong but they are still about

they're wrong but they are still about regulation it's everything many of the

regulation it's everything many of the things we do have to do with this

things we do have to do with this desperate need to keep this the

desperate need to keep this the environment internal

environment internal environment stable fixed predictable

what the borderline does she outsources her ego functions functions that

her ego functions functions that normally take place within the

normally take place within the individual in what was known in

individual in what was known in psychoanalytic literature as the ego

psychoanalytic literature as the ego these functions are relegated to the

these functions are relegated to the outside a typical borderline would

outside a typical borderline would Outsource these functions to an intimate

Outsource these functions to an intimate partner or a special friend a special

partner or a special friend a special person someone with whom she can feel

person someone with whom she can feel she feels safe to experience intimacy

she feels safe to experience intimacy and to expose her

and to expose her vulnerabilities these kind of people are

vulnerabilities these kind of people are rare and when the borderline finds them

rare and when the borderline finds them she unburdens

she unburdens herself she stops to exist in a way she

herself she stops to exist in a way she deactivates herself and she allows these

deactivates herself and she allows these people from the outside to interfere

people from the outside to interfere intervene in her internal landscape in

intervene in her internal landscape in her Inner

her Inner Space and carry out the functions that

Space and carry out the functions that should she should have carried

should she should have carried autonomously this is a symbiotic

autonomously this is a symbiotic relationship and we'll discuss it a bit

relationship and we'll discuss it a bit later the transfer of ego functions to

later the transfer of ego functions to the outside to an intimate partner to a

the outside to an intimate partner to a special friend to a special person the

special friend to a special person the transfer this by the way happens in

transfer this by the way happens in autism to some extent this transfer of

autism to some extent this transfer of ego functions is UT

ego functions is UT automatic it's not a decision it's not

automatic it's not a decision it's not like the borderline sits alone at home

like the borderline sits alone at home eating a TV meal and debates with

eating a TV meal and debates with herself whether to kind of um convey her

herself whether to kind of um convey her ego functions to someone or relegate

ego functions to someone or relegate them to someone this not the way it

them to someone this not the way it works when she comes across someone who

works when she comes across someone who fulfills the

fulfills the criteria and I refer you to my video

criteria and I refer you to my video about U managing the borderline

about U managing the borderline enchantress

enchantress when she finds someone who meets the

when she finds someone who meets the criteria she automatically dislodges her

criteria she automatically dislodges her ego functions transfers them to that

ego functions transfers them to that person and becomes a passive recipient

person and becomes a passive recipient receptacle

receptacle container or of the other person's

container or of the other person's decisions activities

decisions activities choices personality

choices personality predilections and so on she becomes a

predilections and so on she becomes a blank convas upon which the other person

blank convas upon which the other person can paint himself or herself she's 100%

can paint himself or herself she's 100% responsive to CU and stimuli from the

responsive to CU and stimuli from the outside it's a very interesting

outside it's a very interesting transformation to

transformation to behold and it involves the following the

behold and it involves the following the regulation of emotions and

regulation of emotions and moods the other person the special

moods the other person the special friend the special person the the

friend the special person the the partner the other person is granted

partner the other person is granted absolute

absolute power to alter the

power to alter the moods or and to control the emotions to

moods or and to control the emotions to evoke them to silence them to trigger

evoke them to silence them to trigger them to deactivate them total control

them to deactivate them total control over the operating system of the

over the operating system of the borderline with a single

borderline with a single word this specific individual can plunge

word this specific individual can plunge the borderline into complete depression

the borderline into complete depression and despair

and despair or into narcissistic Elation of

or into narcissistic Elation of indescribable

indescribable proportions power is infinite unlimited

proportions power is infinite unlimited exorbitant if you wish the same effect

exorbitant if you wish the same effect on the borderlines moods applies to her

on the borderlines moods applies to her emotions that person from the outside

emotions that person from the outside the external regulator can trigger and

the external regulator can trigger and provoke and

provoke and elicit any emotion negative or positive

elicit any emotion negative or positive love or hatred fear or a sense of safety

love or hatred fear or a sense of safety anything

anything Envy

Envy compassion it is as if the borderline

compassion it is as if the borderline mind has been

mind has been transmitted remotely into someone else

transmitted remotely into someone else to do with as he or she pleas

to do with as he or she pleas pleases and

pleases and gradually with time protocols

gradually with time protocols emerge keywords

emerge keywords um triggers buttons to to be

um triggers buttons to to be pushed the two parties settle into a

pushed the two parties settle into a kind of

kind of ritual where one of them has all the

ritual where one of them has all the power and the other one controls that

power and the other one controls that person from the bottom via her

person from the bottom via her helplessness and neediness and clinging

helplessness and neediness and clinging it's very reminiscent of codependent

it's very reminiscent of codependent Dynamics the borderline signal

Dynamics the borderline signal her needs for example now she needs to

her needs for example now she needs to be

be elated or now she wants to experience a

elated or now she wants to experience a modicum of depression and

modicum of depression and despair or now she wants to feel love or

despair or now she wants to feel love or now she hates or needs to hate and then

now she hates or needs to hate and then she expects the partner to respond in

she expects the partner to respond in kind to push the right buttons to say

kind to push the right buttons to say the right words to behave in specific

the right words to behave in specific ways when she experiences engulfment

ways when she experiences engulfment anxiety the partner is supposed to walk

anxiety the partner is supposed to walk away when she experiences abandonment of

away when she experiences abandonment of anxiety the partner is supposed to be

anxiety the partner is supposed to be 100% of the time

100% of the time present when she wants to when she loves

present when she wants to when she loves the partner he is supposed to act in a

the partner he is supposed to act in a lovable way when she hates the partner

lovable way when she hates the partner he supposed to be obno become obnoxious

he supposed to be obno become obnoxious the partner is molded by the

the partner is molded by the expectations of the Border

expectations of the Border while maintaining the power to gratify

while maintaining the power to gratify or satisfy or realize these expectations

or satisfy or realize these expectations self-actualization of the borderline is

self-actualization of the borderline is a derivative of the decisions and

a derivative of the decisions and choices made by the intimate partner or

choices made by the intimate partner or the special friend within a ritualized

the special friend within a ritualized highly structured context and again

highly structured context and again Watch the video about the enchantress

Watch the video about the enchantress the link is in the

the link is in the description it is a cult-like

description it is a cult-like situation it's a paracosm it's a shared

situation it's a paracosm it's a shared fantasy and it drifts away from reality

fantasy and it drifts away from reality the longer the partners are in meshed

the longer the partners are in meshed and embedded in this out of context

and embedded in this out of context decontextualized

decontextualized self-generated on thefly ambients and

self-generated on thefly ambients and environment when the

environment when the borderline is in this arrangement

borderline is in this arrangement when she has found someone she could

when she has found someone she could trust to regulate her from the outside

trust to regulate her from the outside or someone she could attribute to the

or someone she could attribute to the regulation that actually takes place

regulation that actually takes place inside

inside her when she finds someone like that and

her when she finds someone like that and they have established their shared

they have established their shared fantasy the borderline experiences a

fantasy the borderline experiences a sense of unitary comp

sense of unitary comp completion as if she has been partial a

completion as if she has been partial a partial person

partial person and then she has found her compliment

and then she has found her compliment she has found someone to complete her

she has found someone to complete her and to become unitary a single unit a

and to become unitary a single unit a single organism it's a holistic

single organism it's a holistic perception it's benign is not like the

perception it's benign is not like the narcissist takeover which is essentially

narcissist takeover which is essentially hostile and

hostile and exploitative it's not like the

exploitative it's not like the codependent codependence strategies

codependent codependence strategies which are mavian in many cases and

which are mavian in many cases and involve control in the case of the

involve control in the case of the borderline it's more about

borderline it's more about submission it is true submission kind of

submission it is true submission kind of Islam if you wish it is true submission

Islam if you wish it is true submission that the borderline emerges

that the borderline emerges into the wholeness into the completed

into the wholeness into the completed Perfection that is the symbiotic merger

Perfection that is the symbiotic merger infusion with the intimate partner or

infusion with the intimate partner or the special person

the special person at that

at that point the borderline experiences

point the borderline experiences something very rare for her and again I

something very rare for her and again I say her half of all borderline is a man

say her half of all borderline is a man the borderline experience is something

the borderline experience is something very rare

very rare balance

balance equilibrium

equilibrium homeostasis a secure base a sense of

homeostasis a secure base a sense of safety stability

safety stability predictability the glimmer the

predictability the glimmer the glimmerings of object constancy

glimmerings of object constancy the borderline is incapable of

the borderline is incapable of experiencing introject

experiencing introject constancy in other words she is

constancy in other words she is incapable of creating stable

incapable of creating stable representations of other people in her

representations of other people in her mind she is capable of object constancy

mind she is capable of object constancy but she is distrustful of people she's

but she is distrustful of people she's terrified of exposing her

terrified of exposing her vulnerabilities of being hurt rejected

vulnerabilities of being hurt rejected abandoned humiliated shamed she's she's

abandoned humiliated shamed she's she's terrorized by the potential of other

terrorized by the potential of other people to harm her somehow she

people to harm her somehow she therefore avoids to the best of her

therefore avoids to the best of her ability intimacy unless it is with

ability intimacy unless it is with someone who she then designates the

someone who she then designates the special person or the special friend or

special person or the special friend or the intimate

the intimate partner so very few get chosen a

partner so very few get chosen a borderline May Fleet may like a

borderline May Fleet may like a butterfly you know a light on multiple

butterfly you know a light on multiple people but she doesn't really become

people but she doesn't really become herself very often takes a special kind

herself very often takes a special kind of partner and then when she feels this

of partner and then when she feels this internal

internal resettling

resettling internal uh settling actually not

internal uh settling actually not resettling internal settling internal

resettling internal settling internal cohesion

cohesion internal

internal correspondence internal resonance that

correspondence internal resonance that is all encompassing all pervasive

is all encompassing all pervasive ubiquitous and yet

ubiquitous and yet warm accepting

warm accepting embracing it is only then that she

embracing it is only then that she allows herself to experience object

allows herself to experience object constancy with her loved one with her

constancy with her loved one with her special

special one and that feels utterly Oceanic it's

one and that feels utterly Oceanic it's like going back to the

like going back to the womb and we will discuss in a minute the

womb and we will discuss in a minute the parental implications of this

parental implications of this but it's like going back to the Matrix

but it's like going back to the Matrix to the

to the womb and it is this exactly the triggers

womb and it is this exactly the triggers in the borderline her engulfment

in the borderline her engulfment anxiety by going back to the womb she is

anxiety by going back to the womb she is being

being unborn she is annihilating herself

unborn she is annihilating herself analing analing

analing analing herself by merging infusing

herself by merging infusing symbiotically with her loved one the

symbiotically with her loved one the borderline vanishes

borderline vanishes she gradually transitions from

she gradually transitions from full-fledged organism to a single ovom

full-fledged organism to a single ovom or sperm or whatever and then not even

or sperm or whatever and then not even that there's a risk of Disappearing

that there's a risk of Disappearing altogether and this creates engulfment

altogether and this creates engulfment anxiety and the famous approach

anxiety and the famous approach avoidance repetition compulsion it's all

avoidance repetition compulsion it's all about the avoidance and mitigation of

about the avoidance and mitigation of pain the

pain the motivating force if you wish the

motivating force if you wish the motivating Dynamic the motivating

motivating Dynamic the motivating emotional landscape in the borderline

emotional landscape in the borderline life is hurt and pain

life is hurt and pain agonizing

agonizing excruciating

excruciating debilitating fiery consuming

debilitating fiery consuming pain and it is her entire life is

pain and it is her entire life is dedicated to the designing and

dedicated to the designing and implementation of strategies to skirt

implementation of strategies to skirt this pain to avoid it to mitigate it to

this pain to avoid it to mitigate it to amarate it to ignore it to deny it to

amarate it to ignore it to deny it to refrain it to do something with

refrain it to do something with it when she finds a person to love when

it when she finds a person to love when she finds an intimate partner or a

she finds an intimate partner or a special person or a special friend or

special person or a special friend or what have you she allows herself to feel

what have you she allows herself to feel the

the pain she allows herself to feel the pain

pain she allows herself to feel the pain she perceives love as pain she perceives

she perceives love as pain she perceives love as a form of slavery addiction it's

love as a form of slavery addiction it's painful it's a painful

painful it's a painful experience and her solution is to infant

experience and her solution is to infant self

self infantilize she be she

infantilize she be she regresses she becomes an infant a

regresses she becomes an infant a toddler than an infant than a than a

toddler than an infant than a than a newborn then in the womb she

newborn then in the womb she infantilizes regresses almost to a

infantilizes regresses almost to a previous Incarnation if you believe in

previous Incarnation if you believe in this kind of

this kind of nonsense and at that

nonsense and at that point she expects the intimate partner

point she expects the intimate partner or the special friend to assume the

or the special friend to assume the parental role

parental role and the parental

and the parental discourse

discourse she child defy herself she reduces

she child defy herself she reduces herself into a childlike State fully

herself into a childlike State fully expecting the other partner to respond

expecting the other partner to respond in kind by becoming a parental figure

in kind by becoming a parental figure and engaging in Parental

and engaging in Parental speech and so this is the way she avoids

speech and so this is the way she avoids the pain it is as if she says I'm a

the pain it is as if she says I'm a child don't hurt me or as if she says

child don't hurt me or as if she says I'm a child I'm incapable of

I'm a child I'm incapable of understanding the profundity and extent

understanding the profundity and extent of adult

of adult pain and so

pain and so having having been

having having been consumed by her intimate partner By Her

consumed by her intimate partner By Her Lover by her special friend have been

Lover by her special friend have been consumed subsumed assumed having merged

consumed subsumed assumed having merged and fused having become this Perfection

and fused having become this Perfection which is

which is holistic and which is a secure base safe

holistic and which is a secure base safe stable determinant

stable determinant predictable this introduces

predictable this introduces structure and order into the borderlines

structure and order into the borderlines otherwise utterly chaotic personality

otherwise utterly chaotic personality organization world and

organization world and life it reduces the chaos it's an

life it reduces the chaos it's an anti-chaos um

anti-chaos um strategy and within this structure and

strategy and within this structure and order she strikes a bargain she

order she strikes a bargain she negotiates a

negotiates a deal it's a contract it's not

deal it's a contract it's not transactional she's not a gold digger

transactional she's not a gold digger it's not transactional give and take

it's not transactional give and take I'll give you sex you give me money for

I'll give you sex you give me money for example not this kind of thing but it is

example not this kind of thing but it is still

still contractual there are rights their

contractual there are rights their corresponding or commensurate

corresponding or commensurate duties and there are rituals and

duties and there are rituals and protocols and they're all very rigid and

protocols and they're all very rigid and embedded and any deviation any

embedded and any deviation any Divergence from this contractural

Divergence from this contractural landscape triggers the

landscape triggers the borderline renders her extremely anxious

borderline renders her extremely anxious paralyzed with fear

paralyzed with fear anticipation and injuries and

anticipation and injuries and mortifications she's a very borderline

mortifications she's a very borderline is a very very very fragile fragile

is a very very very fragile fragile structure very fragile person and as

structure very fragile person and as distinct as opposed to the narcissist

distinct as opposed to the narcissist she does not have well-developed

she does not have well-developed narcissistic

narcissistic defenses and so she

defenses and so she is um she's a kind of narcissist without

is um she's a kind of narcissist without the shell a turtle without the

the shell a turtle without the shell and this is why she keeps getting

shell and this is why she keeps getting overwhelmed internally as well as

overwhelmed internally as well as externally she has no defenses to speak

externally she has no defenses to speak of except very primitive infantile

of except very primitive infantile defenses which are not up to the task

defenses which are not up to the task for example splitting

for example splitting she needs

she needs nurturance she seeks satisfaction and

nurturance she seeks satisfaction and gratification of her wishes and

gratification of her wishes and aspirations dreams and hopes and

aspirations dreams and hopes and Fantasies accomplishments she needs a

Fantasies accomplishments she needs a horizon she needs

horizon she needs hope the borderline relationship with

hope the borderline relationship with her loved ones is a relationship of

her loved ones is a relationship of Eternal

Eternal Hope

Hope Springs Hope Springs Eternal

Springs Hope Springs Eternal there it's not malignant optimism the

there it's not malignant optimism the borderline is pretty grounded in some

borderline is pretty grounded in some ways

ways because she's highly paranoid and

because she's highly paranoid and suspicious she sees through she sees

suspicious she sees through she sees through people me most people are

through people me most people are transparent to the Bon L but she wants

transparent to the Bon L but she wants some

some hope because she is by nature depressive

hope because she is by nature depressive and even

and even suicidal she needs some Counterpoint she

suicidal she needs some Counterpoint she requires some

requires some counterweight and it is the role of the

counterweight and it is the role of the intimate

intimate partner to provide her with hope

partner to provide her with hope it is the mere presence of the partner

it is the mere presence of the partner the partner doesn't have to do much

the partner doesn't have to do much honestly it is the mere presence of the

honestly it is the mere presence of the part that is

part that is sufficient the mere constancy of the

sufficient the mere constancy of the object the mere

object the mere existence the mere the mere availability

existence the mere the mere availability of the partner or the loved one or the

of the partner or the loved one or the special

special person there enough they're enough to

person there enough they're enough to ignite in her a flame of Hope

ignite in her a flame of Hope and it is not a consuming flame it is an

and it is not a consuming flame it is an energizing flame it is the warmth in a

energizing flame it is the warmth in a cold winter

cold winter day this is how she perceives the

day this is how she perceives the relationship like some some kind of a

relationship like some some kind of a flame a flame that

flame a flame that is that keeps you keeps you

is that keeps you keeps you warm a flame that keeps away the wild

warm a flame that keeps away the wild animals a flame around which you can

animals a flame around which you can tell stories narratives that

tell stories narratives that comfort that reduce

comfort that reduce anxiety that make the world

anxiety that make the world habitable it's like a

habitable it's like a campfire the intimate

campfire the intimate partner has to intercede with reality

partner has to intercede with reality reality is intermediated via the

reality is intermediated via the intimate partner or via the special

intimate partner or via the special person the borderline has no access to

person the borderline has no access to reality no contact with reality except

reality no contact with reality except through the intermediation and

through the intermediation and intercession of other people people she

intercession of other people people she trusts I call it vicarious reality

testing we know a lot about regulation regulatory functions there is

regulation regulatory functions there is even a theory known as regulatory Focus

even a theory known as regulatory Focus Theory regulatory Focus theory is a

Theory regulatory Focus theory is a conceptual framework it discusses

conceptual framework it discusses motivation in

motivation in Behavior the theory suggests that people

Behavior the theory suggests that people are fundamentally either Pro promotion

are fundamentally either Pro promotion oriented or prevention oriented when

oriented or prevention oriented when people make decisions and choices when

people make decisions and choices when they pursue certain courses of action

they pursue certain courses of action when they anticipate consequences and

when they anticipate consequences and outcomes when they position themselves

outcomes when they position themselves when they um adopt goals and so on so

when they um adopt goals and so on so forth they're either focused on

forth they're either focused on prevention or focused on promotion and

prevention or focused on promotion and according to the theory promotion focus

according to the theory promotion focus self-regulation is concerned with

self-regulation is concerned with nurture

nurture with accomplishment of needs and with a

with accomplishment of needs and with a pursuit of wishes and aspirations this

pursuit of wishes and aspirations this the borderline is incapable of except

the borderline is incapable of except through the inter intermediation of

through the inter intermediation of another

another person the promotion focused

person the promotion focused self-regulation results in sensitivity

self-regulation results in sensitivity to positive outcomes and to relative

to positive outcomes and to relative pleasure from gains Freud would have

pleasure from gains Freud would have called it the Pleasure Principle

called it the Pleasure Principle prevention Focus self regulation is

prevention Focus self regulation is concerned with Safety and Security needs

concerned with Safety and Security needs and is focused on meeting duties and

and is focused on meeting duties and obligations it results in sensitivity to

obligations it results in sensitivity to negative outcomes and to relative pain

negative outcomes and to relative pain from losses and this is this is exactly

from losses and this is this is exactly the internal landscape of the borderline

the internal landscape of the borderline she is prevention focused her

she is prevention focused her self-regulation is intended to prevent

self-regulation is intended to prevent pain and other adverse

pain and other adverse consequences and so the theory says that

consequences and so the theory says that your disposition towards either

your disposition towards either obtaining gains or avoiding losses

obtaining gains or avoiding losses influences your dominant motivations and

influences your dominant motivations and affects your behavioral

affects your behavioral choices and this is exactly what happens

choices and this is exactly what happens with the

with the borderline her

borderline her propensity her

propensity her disposition towards preventative

disposition towards preventative measures avoiding pain reducing

measures avoiding pain reducing stress uh walking away from UNT toward

stress uh walking away from UNT toward adverse dangerous circumstance uh not

adverse dangerous circumstance uh not dangerous but unpleasant

dangerous but unpleasant circumstances this attitude attitudinal

circumstances this attitude attitudinal motivational space of the borderline

motivational space of the borderline causes her to adopt

causes her to adopt strategies which

strategies which relegate promotion promotional self

relegate promotion promotional self regulation to an intimate partner or a

regulation to an intimate partner or a loved one or a special friend it's Ace

loved one or a special friend it's Ace the B line

the B line says I am half a

says I am half a person as I am all alone I'm half a

person as I am all alone I'm half a person I'm capable of only of preventing

person I'm capable of only of preventing I'm capable of preventing loss and pain

I'm capable of preventing loss and pain but but I'm incapable of making myself

but but I'm incapable of making myself happy I'm incapable of experiencing

happy I'm incapable of experiencing pleasure and so I need you my intimate

pleasure and so I need you my intimate partner I need you my special special

partner I need you my special special person I need you my loved one I need

person I need you my loved one I need you to bring pleasure and and happiness

you to bring pleasure and and happiness into my

into my life and it is via pleasure and

life and it is via pleasure and happiness that I regulate my internal

happiness that I regulate my internal environment that I avoid for example

environment that I avoid for example suicidality and this is more or less the

suicidality and this is more or less the deal between the borderline and her her

deal between the borderline and her her loved ones her nearest dearest and

closest and when we apply regulatory Focus

and when we apply regulatory Focus Theory to borderline

Theory to borderline we understand the borderlines

we understand the borderlines communication

communication patterns her the way she organizes her

patterns her the way she organizes her life the organizational principles the

life the organizational principles the control her life the way she performs

control her life the way she performs tasks many things I will not go into

tasks many things I will not go into them right

them right now I hope I've answered the question

now I hope I've answered the question that this video started with it's not

that this video started with it's not easy it's not easy to understand or

easy it's not easy to understand or accept a person who vacates herself

accept a person who vacates herself empties herself on purpose

she kind of accepts her emptiness her void the black hole which is her

void the black hole which is her Essence and tries to fill it

Essence and tries to fill it in tries to negate it

in tries to negate it somehow VI other

somehow VI other people but she does it intentionally and

people but she does it intentionally and deliberately

deliberately strategically and so it's the equivalent

strategically and so it's the equivalent of embracing The Emptiness as a tool of

of embracing The Emptiness as a tool of motivating people to negate it this is

motivating people to negate it this is the paradoxical nature of the borderline

the paradoxical nature of the borderline existence she is an

existence she is an emptiness she seeks to destroy

emptiness she seeks to destroy herself by destroying this

herself by destroying this emptiness and she derives

emptiness and she derives pleasure satisfaction Comfort a sense of

pleasure satisfaction Comfort a sense of safety all the positive emotions

safety all the positive emotions Love by destroying the emptiness that

Love by destroying the emptiness that she is it's a paradox toxical strategy

she is it's a paradox toxical strategy the only way for you to be happy is to

the only way for you to be happy is to not be anymore

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YouTube Transcript:Successful Relationships with Borderlines, Narcissists (Compilation)