0:00 try engage the person's character not
0:04 their personality which is different
0:05 their personality is the mass that they
0:08 wear how they appear in social
0:09 situations you want to look at what's
0:11 underneath that all of their character
0:16 [Music]
0:18 what are the qualities that you want to
0:20 find in somebody that could be like a
0:22 lifelong partner for you or something
0:24 that you could have a relationship for
0:26 more than a few months perhaps several
0:28 years maybe for the rest of your life
0:30 it's extremely great question it also
0:33 really much depends on the individual
0:35 and who you are and there's never one
0:38 answer for everyone when we first get
0:41 interested in with someone when we first
0:43 fall for someone it can often be a bit
0:46 deceptive or Charmed by their
0:50 personality by by their looks by their
0:53 appearance by how they certain things
0:56 that are in essence a little bit
0:58 superficial and when you first meet
1:01 somebody they're not laying all their
1:03 cards on the table they're trying very
1:06 hard to impress you to please you so all
1:09 the other aspects of their personality
1:11 that that they may be a little bit
1:13 ashamed about but that aren't so great
1:15 they're working hard to disguise it so
1:19 you're kind of lured into getting into a
1:21 relationship with this person but you
1:24 don't really know who they are you don't
1:26 really know their secrets their Shadow
1:28 side their darkness and then you get
1:31 involved with them and then it comes out
1:33 and they great you they irritate you and
1:36 you break off the relationship so you
1:38 have to be able if you are in that
1:40 situation where you're looking for a
1:41 long-term relationship to look below the
1:44 surface to try and engage the person's
1:47 character not their personality which is
1:50 different their personality is the mass
1:52 that they wear how they appear in social
1:55 situations you want to look at what's
1:57 underneath that all of their character
1:58 and how strong they are they're a person
2:02 who shares your basic values about life
2:04 who has a kind of inner strength a very
2:07 important quality is can this person
2:10 take criticism at all right so if you're
2:14 in a relationship for several years
2:16 inevitably you're going to be things
2:19 that great on you and you're going to
2:20 want to tell them what you don't like
2:22 and there are people out there that
2:24 can't take any kind of criticism the
2:27 slightest put down and they explode they
2:29 get outraged and they get almost
2:32 violence sometimes you can't be in a
2:34 relationship if this if it's someone
2:36 that you can't criticize or tell that
2:39 this is behavior that bothers you right
2:41 so you have to be able to gauge that and
2:44 you have to be very aware of some of the
2:47 underlying qualities that people have
2:49 you can notice if they're hypersensitive
2:53 if you ever say the slightest thing
2:56 that's actually quite simple and basic
2:58 that they take offense at it they take
3:01 offense too easily that should be a sign
3:03 of damn I can't be with that person for
3:06 very long because they're going to be
3:07 offended constantly and I won't be able
3:09 to tell them what I truly feel right so
3:13 and if someone is is just bursting with
3:16 all kinds of insecurities you're going
3:19 to be spending your life trying to
3:20 assuage their insecurities so you want
3:23 to look under the hood you want to see
3:26 the underlying strength of that person's
3:28 character and I think of Franklin Delano
3:32 Roosevelt who when he was a young man
3:34 was very handsome very wealthy there
3:36 were all of these beautiful women that
3:39 wanted to have him propose marriage to
3:41 and they ended up choosing Eleanor
3:44 Roosevelt who was considered to be kind
3:46 of the ugly duckling of all the people
3:48 in their Circle
3:50 and she wasn't ugly but she wasn't one
3:52 of these Beauties like these other women
3:53 he chose her because of her character
3:56 because she was strong because she was
3:58 intelligent and because he could imagine
4:00 this is a very important thing he could
4:03 imagine having a conversation with her
4:06 10 years down the line and not being
4:08 bored so this is something that I think
4:11 is really important is
4:14 The Superficial things the sexual
4:16 attraction which isn't totally
4:18 superficial but can be the kind of
4:21 things that grab you initially
4:23 aren't necessarily the things that are
4:25 going to last over the course of years
4:27 and you want to be able to think
4:30 can I talk to them about subjects that
4:33 interest me are they able to surprise me
4:35 or have I heard all of their ideas at
4:38 the end of two days do they keep
4:39 repeating the same stories over and over
4:42 again in my board or can I imagine this
4:46 per talking to this person at The
4:48 Breakfast Table in 10 years and still
4:51 being interested in them do we share a
4:54 similar sense of humor having a similar
4:56 sense of humor is more important than
4:58 you having the same political values
5:00 that you're both Democrats or
5:02 Republicans because being able to laugh
5:05 at the same things and have a similar
5:07 kind of sense of humor and things that
5:10 amuse you is extremely important it's
5:13 something that will help you last over
5:15 years and years it will be a connection
5:17 a bond but the main thing that's going
5:21 to wear on you is going to break the
5:23 spell
5:23 is that the other person becomes too
5:27 familiar you know everything about them
5:30 right at the end of a year there are no
5:33 more surprises left they're too familiar
5:35 your mind starts to wander maybe there's
5:38 somebody out there that's more
5:39 interesting so think of somebody who has
5:43 a little element of mystery to them you
5:46 don't completely know who they are and
5:50 what you suspect that they might be
5:52 hiding is very interesting they have
5:55 debts that you hadn't imagined right
5:57 they're intelligent you can talk about
5:59 things that interest you that excite you
6:02 and there's a connection there and
6:04 you're sometimes surprised by what they
6:06 say
6:06 so the main thing is is not so much the
6:10 physical stuff which is important and
6:12 and if it's completely goes away after a
6:15 couple of years then it's going to hurt
6:17 the relationship I don't mean to deny
6:19 that
6:19 but the ability to be surprised by
6:23 someone to continue to have
6:25 conversations with them to be able to
6:27 share similar stories and senses of
6:30 humor to have a similar taste in animals
6:33 I know that sounds really really weird
6:35 but I know personally as a cat person or
6:39 a person who loves animals I could never
6:42 be in a relationship with someone who
6:43 doesn't love animals I don't care if
6:45 it's cats dogs cockroaches rats whatever
6:48 they have to love animals so there are
6:52 certain essential values that you have
6:54 that Mark you as an individual whether
6:56 it's Your Love of Animals whether it's
6:59 your love of
7:00 outer space and UFOs or I don't care
7:03 what it is things that excite you if the
7:05 other person doesn't share that at all
7:07 it's going to be really hard to maintain
7:10 an interest in them over a long period
7:13 of time so these are the things that I
7:15 think that are extremely important that
7:16 go into a long-term relationship
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