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Building Self Esteem in Children | Attachment Based CBT Tools | Doc Snipes | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Building Self Esteem in Children | Attachment Based CBT Tools
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This content provides practical guidance for caregivers and educators on how to foster self-esteem in children by focusing on self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-confidence, and purposeful action, emphasizing the crucial role of secure attachment and offering actionable strategies.
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hey there everybody and welcome to this video on developing self-esteem in kids
i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
i've had a lot of requests for videos on things that parents can do to help increase self-esteem
in children and we're going to talk a lot about those and these can be helpful for caregivers
as well as teachers now there are a lot of books out there that have different self-esteem building
activities like um ropes courses and and those sorts of things what i'm really talking about here
today are some other practical things to know about building self-esteem in children so i'm
going to start by describing the four components of self-esteem explore why secure attachment is
important in nurturing self-esteem identify five general things that caregivers can do to enhance
self-esteem and at least 10 activities that caregivers can do to build self-esteem in children
so let's start out with the components self-esteem as i conceptualize it is
composed of self-awareness who am i what are my strengths my weaknesses my needs thoughts
feelings what's my identity when i think of me what do i see self-acceptance once you know who
you are your strengths weaknesses and needs then accepting that and accepting yourself as lovable
and value valuable even though you're imperfect and that is such an important message for
people not just kids for people to internalize third parties self-confidence i know who i am
i know my strengths and weaknesses and i accept them i recognize that
i'm lovable and i'm confident that i can effectively manage challenges in my life
achieve my goals and make positive changes i may not be able to change everything but self-esteem
involves a sense of um agency a sense of control in our life we can't control everything but
recognizing that we can make positive changes so awareness acceptance confidence and the
final one is purposeful action once we know our skills and who we are and we've accepted it and
we have confidence that we can make positive changes then we need to actually do it and use
our energy purposefully to become the person or to continue to be the person that we want to be
secure attachment is so important because children must feel confident that they will be loved and
safe they must be empowered to be authentic able to feel and express their feelings and needs and
encouraged to try new things so secure attachment really helps children start being able to identify
what they are thinking and feeling and figuring out how to modulate those things
all within an environment that is loving and accepting of them
secure attachment as i've talked about many times before i summarize with the mnemonic craves
consistency in presence and messaging if a parent says or a caregiver says this is okay
sometimes but not all the time in consistency in messaging means okay when is it okay when is
it not okay when is it okay to be loud you know you can be loud at home you can be loud outside
you can't be loud in the library but children may not understand the difference until you
explain it to them when my children were little we used to talk about library voices
so they would understand that there's nothing wrong with being loud
in appropriate situations so consistency in messaging if you are at home and normally the
child can be loud and rambunctious and today you're getting getting angry with them because
they're being loud and rambunctious it's important to help them understand what the difference is
oh daddy's sick and he's trying to sleep kids can understand a lot more than we probably give him
credit for but if we just start scolding them for being loud when normally we let them be
uh let them be noisy they may get confused about okay so when can i be loud when is it okay i don't
want to get in trouble and consistency and presence also goes along with that
when we are physically and emotionally present for children it's really important to know that
a caregiver is going to be able to be there to respond to help you meet your needs
so consistency in presence and emotional presence means being able to
actually connect with and and notice and pay attention to the child's needs
people who are emotionally distant or emotionally checked out
may be too depressed to be able to even engage with the child on an emotional or cognitive level
responsiveness to help the child learn to identify and address their thoughts feelings wants and
needs children are not born with emotional intelligence so a caregiver that's consistent
notices that a child may be expressing anger or getting ready to express anger and can
be responsive and note that what's going on with the child pull them to the side and say
you know tommy i notice that you're starting to get very angry so it helps the child start
putting a word to the feeling so they can start with the emotional identification
and then the caregiver generally responds with something like let's take a couple
deep breaths or let's go on a walk for a minute or can you tell me what's going on
some strategy to help the young young child modulate that emotion get into their wise mind
and then with that then you can start exploring all right now what do we do this is how you feel
this is why you feel that way and these are your options for how to handle it and caregivers are so
important and i use that term really generally parents grandparents babysitters uh teachers
people who interact with children are so vital to helping them identify their
emotions what triggers them and what to do about that about it so they can start
developing their toolbox children also need positive attention when chil the
only attention children get is when they're getting criticized or punished or redirected
then they may not feel good about themselves because they're like i can't do anything right
attention is so important it communicates to the child that hey i really you're valuable
to me and i really want to spend time with you validation of the child's thoughts and feelings
also helps them develop emotional intelligence boundaries and problem solving how does it do that
well when we respond to a child and we help them identify what emotion they're feeling you know i
can see you're feeling really angry right now or you're really scared about going to the doctor
then the child starts being able to again put a label put a word on that feeling we can also
when we validate it if we don't agree you know if the child is really scared about going to the
doctor going to the dentist or going on an airplane whatever it is we may validate i can see
you're really scared about this you know mommy's done it hundreds of times and you know i when
i was your age i used to be scared of it too but i'm not anymore and that helps them see that okay
you know somebody understands how i'm feeling but there are other perspectives to it and it's okay
it's okay for me to feel this way even if my caregiver doesn't agree
and that starts helping them learn how to set emotional boundaries with others i can feel my
feeling and it's valid even if you don't agree and as we validate and respond to children's
emotions and reactions and thoughts we're able to help them develop problem solving skills
so let's take the airplane you know i can see that you're really scared about getting on the
airplane to go fly to grandma's you know i used to be really scared when i was a little girl too
so what can we do to help you feel safer getting on the airplane or you know you can see where
you could different areas where you could go with this but validating the child feels important the
child feels understood the child is developing skills to master their own internal workings
which develops a sense of competence in them they're like hey i'm not overwhelmed by emotions
i can deal with this when i feel it and that builds self-esteem encouragement is another
aspect of secure attachment we want to encourage children to use new skills and try new things this
also helps them develop awareness of what they're good at you know try this try playing soccer try
playing basketball try playing piano whatever it is try it see if you like it see if you're
good at it if you are great and if not okay we'll try something else but that encouragement attitude
allows them to explore things and discover what they like to do discover what they're good at
but also discover that they don't have to be good at everything and they're still lovable
and finally safety insecure attachment safety is that unconditional positive regard it's the
caregiver saying i'm here if you have a good day i'm here to celebrate your successes if you have a
bad day i'm here to support you and empathize with you and help you figure out what to do next but
ultimately i'm here all of that communicates to the child that they're safe it helps them take
risks and get out of their comfort zone so they can try new things and develop
a greater sense of confidence and confidence in themselves and with problem solving and
even trying new things it helps them figure out that purposeful action
i have all this energy what am i going to do with it well hey i know these things that i'm
good at or these things that i enjoy even if i'm not good at them and that's what i want to do
in general now these are just some quick tips three times a day and i know that
sounds like a lot but it's really not for school age children when they wake up in
the morning when they get home from school and before bed three times three times a
day communicate with the child using one of their love languages like quality time
that can mean sitting down at breakfast with the child and talking to them or you know after after
school or going to the park with them after school doing something that they enjoy that's positive
and proactive quality time it only has to be 15 20 minutes i'm not talking hours on end here
it can even mean if the child likes to cook you know involving them in cooking dinner and asking
them what they want to what they want to make for dinner touch is another love language that is very
common between caregivers and children not so much teachers and children but caregivers and children
touch may be their love language whether it's giving them a hug or letting them sit on your
lap while you read them a story whatever it is so those are two love languages
words of affirmation this is telling the child how valuable they are to you you know i can't imagine
life without you you are so incredibly precious to me anything that resounds with that child and
you'll find your own words that don't sound corny or like something straight out of a hallmark card
but letting the child know how they enrich just their presence enriches your life
acts of service can be like making their favorite dinner just because not because
they won the spelling bee not because they made the football team but it's thursday and
i thought you would like it if i made you your favorite dinner that lets the child know that
hey my caregiver thinks about me even when i'm not around and i'm important because they want to do
things that make me happy you notice i don't have gifts on here because sometimes it can be hard to
use gifts in a way that don't feel like bribing the child but occasionally gifts can be used
but pick different uh pick the love languages that are most important to your child and
generally people have two that are more prominent than others so do that three times a day i find
for a lot of parents it helps if they actually schedule it in and write down for themselves
different things that they can do because if it's not something that comes second nature
it has to be learned and that's okay it was learned for peop some people when they were kids
so now as adults it's second nature but for other people they have to learn how to use the love
languages and make a special point to get out of their head and focus on the child okay second tip
watch your language and i don't mean swearing i mean love the person critique the behaviors
don't say that was a very bad boy say john i love you very much but that was a very bad choice
love the boy hate the choice love the person hate the choice this is true when talking about
anyone's behaviors so even if you're talking about somebody on tv or a politician or your best friend
or your spouse or whomever make sure that you are identifying that you disagree or you don't approve
of their behaviors as opposed to the person i know it's a semantic difference but it really makes
a big difference especially in the minds of young children who have difficulty thinking abstractly
number three reframe weaknesses as strengths instead of a stubborn child they are determined
or instead of hyperactive they are extremely energetic
you may need to curb some of their energeticness uh however words like stubborn and hyperactive
tend to have negative connotations to them and they tend to be used
as part of the child you are a stubborn child
and then that so the child is internalizing something that has a negative connotation
you are very determined in your behaviors or your behaviors are very stubborn that's something else
but you can also again reframe their weaknesses as strengths my son was very hyperactive but that
energy was when when you could when you harnessed it uh could be very exciting when we would go to
the uh go to the museums or what have whatever you know it was thrilling to watch him just run around
and you know you could almost smell the smoke coming out of his brain it was working so hard
number four remember that behaviorist communication set children up for success not
criticism so if a child is acting out if they're not doing what you want them to do ask yourself
what part did i have in this do they realize the behavior is inappropriate in this context
do they realize that playing on their phone in church is not appropriate do they realize um
whatever they're doing in this context is not appropriate
what is the consistency in messaging here are you expecting too much of them and
yes we we expect a lot out of our children but children ultimately are kids and
their attention spans their ability to tolerate things is a lot lower than ours as adults
sitting still for an hour and and being quiet and composed and all those sorts of things
that is really really difficult for a young child heck it's really difficult for me um behaving at
a restaurant at eight o'clock at night if you're taking a five-year-old to a restaurant at eight
o'clock at night and their bedtime is usually nine or eight then expecting them to behave and
be able to hold it together is probably foolhardy or behaving at the grocery store after school
i remember i used to pick my son up from from school and right after school we would come home
and i would go about starting to make dinner and get everything ready
and he would just start you know going absolutely bonkers around the house and being loud
and it took me a minute but i finally realized that when he was at school
he had to behave he had to hold it together and he was holding all this remember i said he was
very a very energetic child he was holding all this energy in and when school was over
it he just kind of erupted with it and i found that life was a lot easier
if we went to the park down the street after school for 20 minutes in order to let him burn
off some energy or we went outside and played with the dogs for 20 minutes to let him burn
off some energy before we went home and i started trying to make dinner without tripping over him
going to the grocery store i mean after school they've got that pent-up energy that that is
getting ready to erupt most kids do their blood sugar is probably low and you're walking through
the cereal aisle i mean that's just a trifecta for disaster so you're probably expecting too much you
can think of ways maybe you do have to stop at the grocery store after school how can you modulate
that you know maybe make sure that they have some kind of healthy snack to get their blood sugar up
do it quickly don't don't lollygag at the grocery store you can do different things to make it work
tell them it's going to be a short um a short adventure whatever it is
try to engage them while you're at the store if they're already you know kind of antsy
if you can engage them and asking them questions or talking about their day or something
it can help them not get sidetracked and frustrated and overwhelmed and just over it
if the child's acting out ask yourself what are they communicating
is it are they saying my blood sugar's low i'm over tired i'm scared about this i don't
have the skills to do it i don't know what you want what is it that they're communicating when
children act out it's basically a way of saying for adults we would call it resistance but it's
saying one of those things i'm afraid i don't know how um you know i'm too over
tired i just i can't do it right now what is it and then help them solve that problem
and do they have an alternate response to use if a child is for example exhausted and you're
trying to push them around the store and you know they just really really want to go to bed
they may not have an alternate response they may not know how to say mommy i'm really tired i
need to go night night um so if they don't have an alternate response you can help them identify that
feeling you know i know you're really tired right now and you're having a hard time being patient
we're almost done you know help them know what they have to do
or give them an alternate response maybe bring a little portable pillow with you or
something if you know you're going to have to do something during a period when they're tired
but all of these can help children if you recognize these and you address them appropriately
can help children have a sense of mastery and have a sense of confidence and confidence
that they can go into different situations and be okay they they can handle it as opposed to going
into those situations and receiving criticism and punishment and and negative things so look
at the behavior ask yourself if there's a way you can next time set the child up better for success
and finally address cognitive distortions children tend to think very dichotomously
it's all or nothing and they also tend to think very personally
so they may think that mommy either loves me or she hates me and it's mommy's mad and it's all
about me so she must hate me um and that's child logic that's you know very young child logic
when a child starts personalizing things we can help them explore
other options their young children you know elementary school even part of middle school may
have difficulty coming up with these alternatives on their own but as adults we can talk to them
about it we can start planting these seeds so personalization if sally does something and
mom starts to cry sally may say it's my fault you're upset um maybe mom was already upset
and you know she just suddenly started crying and sally doesn't understand all that sally
doesn't know that mom just got off the phone with her sister and something bad happened
so we want to make sure that when we are feeling a certain way especially if it's dysphoric angry
um depressed sad scared we communicate to the child this is about me we don't have to tell
them what it's about you know you don't have to go into great detail kids probably can't handle that
um but letting them know mommy had a really bad day at work today so i'm kind of grumpy
and you know how it feels when you get grumpy sometimes so it has nothing to do with you mommy's
just really grumpy today uh or really grumpy right now or mommy needs a time out right now
because i got overwhelmed at work or whatever you you what whatever word you use with them
i really want to spend time with you but i need a timeout first
children can start to understand it if you use their language and you help reassure them that
it isn't them you know all or nothing it's either all my fault or not my fault so you can
reassure them that or you and dad are fighting it must be my fault uh must be something i did
and and reassuring them that uh you love them and even if you are arguing about something that
has to do with parenting um you love them and it's you and you and their other parent other caregiver
having a disagreement about how to handle things not about whether you love them or not
magnification and minimization magnifying the negative and minimizing the positive when we hear
our children doing this we need to stop them have them examine the facts
you know whatever this is whatever bad thing happened um how is it as big of a deal
um as you're feeling it is right now what are the facts in this situation if you fail to test you
know sometimes if somebody fails a test they may say i'm a failure or i failed that test i there's
no way i can ever pass this class and that may be an exaggeration so we want to look at the facts
about what's going on to help them differentiate fact-based reasoning from emotional reasoning
and turn the tables if your best friend failed a test you know would you tell them that f looks
like you're going to fail the class or would you um encourage them and and so help them look at
how they would respond to somebody else who was in the same situation in terms of minimization
if they say oh it's no big deal anybody could have done it or maybe they don't even bring
it up and you find out from somebody else that they got an award or they did something great
um highlighting that and helping them recognize that that's important that
is great that's wonderful i want to hear about these things and if they try to minimize it then
again turn the tables if somebody else did this would you tell them to you know ignore it or
would you tell them it's not a big deal or would you be really happy and celebrate it
a lot of times this can help children get better perspective
all or nothing thinking remember i said young kids tend to think in dichotomous terms all or nothing
help them find exceptions if they say
i never can do anything to make you happy identify some of the things that they've
done that have made you happy and identify how just by being them they enrich your life
personification means taking it on as part of who you are so instead of
a child saying i am depressed encouraging them to say i feel depressed
instead of saying i am a failure say i failed act because we all fail at some things
but we're not failures instead of saying i'm a bad person saying i did a bad thing
another activity and i love the values activity because it really helps people start developing
self-awareness look at values and i've put a few here like tolerant and accepting caring kind
determined forgiving sensitive you know there's a lot there but most of these are values and yes
when we we show the world these values through our behaviors but even if i don't always behave
in the kindest way doesn't mean i'm not a kind person it may it means i made a bad choice i made
it an unkind choice i'm still a kind person but there was this exception to my behavior
so people can embody these values but not always behave in ways that are consistent with them
we need to help children understand yes you know sometimes you can
make a mean choice it doesn't mean you're a mean person so let's look at you know who you are
and what your heart says i encourage caregivers to do this activity first identify the values
that describe you why they are important in your mind and how you demonstrate them
so this kind of gives you an idea of the values that you find important for your self-esteem
then with the family or the class if you're a teacher a values month each month nurture a value
in the child like caring for others in the world around you so that's the caring value
when the child does something that embodies the value identify it as a good behavior like it was
a very caring thing to do to share your crayons with susie notice we're not saying you know caring
person were saying it was a caring behavior that was an example of a very caring behavior
or it was very kind of you to pick up the trash from the sidewalk and throw it in the garbage
noticing these little things it gives you the opportunity to give random little boosters
of affirmation for to the child and help them notice their good behaviors
the behaviors that you reward are the behaviors that are likely going to increase and for children
being those affirmations are very rewarding if a child acts contrary to those values
separate the behavior from the child i love you so much and you are such a caring person i'm curious
why you pulled the dog's tail or why you pushed sam or why you lied to me
you know this is an aberration you're such a caring person i'm wondering why you did this
many times young children don't realize how their behavior impacts others because they
are egocentric a lot of times you know kids not i'm not advocating for it not a good thing
but kids will occasionally pull a dog's tail because then the dog like will spin around and
maybe even yelp and the child thinks it's funny so the child thinks the dog may be playing doesn't
realize he hurt the dog so we need to make sure that the child has the information how do you
think fido felt when you pulled his tail and if the child's like oh well they thought it was funny
well how would you feel if someone suddenly pulled your hair oh maybe i wouldn't like that
so helping them giving them examples helping them take the perspective of the other person
you know how do you think sam felt when you pushed him or how would you feel if sam pushed you
when our children lie to us and unfortunately they will um you know
how do you think i felt when you lied to me and were looking for disappointed sad hurt
and if they don't come up with that again asking them how would you feel if somebody lied to you
this really helps children more continue to separate behaviors
from who they are so they can start using their uh energy purposefully to embody those values
that they want to be known for if someone else acts contrary someone else is unkind
highlight it and ask the child to hypothesize why and what a better response might have been like
chris is such a nice boy why do you think he was acting kind of mean today
and maybe they'll say maybe he didn't sleep well or he was hungry or you know let them hypothesize
but engage them in that discussion then ask them what would have been a better choice
what do you think what other thing could he have done instead of being mean today
what do you think might help him make better choices in the future um you know and maybe i
i remember having this discussion with one of my children one time and and uh
we went through this and haley's brother was being mean to him mean to her she thought and
i asked her why she thought that might be and we talked about it and we talked about what
she thought would have been a better choice and her response was he probably should have gone to
his room and taken a time out and i said what do you think might help him make better choices in
the future um and she said i think if he got a hug it would help him make better choices okay that
may not been have been what her brother wanted but the point was getting her to start thinking about
you know people are good people they make bad choices we need to be curious about what motivated
those bad choices and how to help them prevent it in the future that also applies for yourself
you can also identify the value in a story or tv characters like diego from
go diego go diego really cares about animals because he works so hard to get them home
another activity at dinner everybody shares how they showed that value that day so if you're
working on caring as the value everybody at the table gives an example of what something they did
that day that was caring either for others or for the world or even sometimes for themselves
what was what did they do that was compassionate for themselves you can also have the child make a
poster or drawing of the behaviors to demonstrate the value so how could you show caring to me um
how could you show caring about grandma how could you show caring about the dog about your friend
about the earth how do you show caring about yourself you know those are all different drawings
that could be done and you can do the same thing for patience and respect and other values that
are out there but encourage them to think about okay how can they show it to you the caregiver
to other family members to pets to friends to the earth and to themselves and do other activities
together that develop that value so maybe you go out and plant a tree in order to show that
you care about the earth and the birds and talk about why planting a tree is a caring thing to do
another activity what do i like and what am i good at and this is obviously for skills exploration
make a list of the things each person in the family likes to do or each person in the class
and try to do one of those things at least weekly emphasize that you don't have to be
great at something to enjoy it a few examples that i have roller skating i love to roller
skate i'm not good at it but i love doing it video games checkers board games pictionary art bowling
frisbee playing catch gymnastics story writing you know there's so many different things that
people can do and so many different areas where they can figure out if they like it photography
i mean you can just keep listing things try it and see if you like it see if you're good at it
and again help them recognize and remember that even if they're not good at it if they like it
it is something that they can do that will help make them happy
another activity what are my thoughts on and this helps children feel important it helps
children feel like their opinions are important and helps them feel connected involving children
in discussions about things that involve them will help them clarify their opinions learn to weigh
the pros and cons respect others opinions and learn that it's safe to be authentic so starting
out with something easy like what movie should we watch and you can weigh the pros and cons well
we could watch this movie it's a good movie but we watched it three times last week so pros and cons
what should we have for dinner you can weigh the pros and cons um you can hear
the opinions of other people who are going to be eating the dinner or watching the movie and
do it in a situation do it in an environment where everybody can share their opinion
if i suggest a movie nobody's going to say oh that's a stupid idea they're going to say
not my favorite movie you know i don't like that movie but i'm not going to be
unkind to you because it's something that you like and that teaches tolerance it teaches that an
environment of acceptance and it teaches children that it is safe to be authentic they're not going
to be chastised for it more challenging things why should you get to stay up until nine you know
obviously this is for an older child where the child can articulate their opinions about why they
should get to stay up and they can weigh the pros and cons a lot of times as parents we've got to
prompt them so if you stay up till nine how is it that you're going to not be too sleepy at school
if you stay up till nine and follow those things up and encourage the child to think about all the
pros and cons where should we go on vacation what are your thoughts about moving or getting a dog
there are a lot of different things that involve the child now they may not be able to get their
own way maybe you have to move because somebody got transferred
but asking them their thoughts about moving so you can help them um
work towards acceptance of it is is important instead of just saying well you're moving
get over it you're asking them what are your thoughts let's talk about it let's process it
my daughter and i have this on here is the faux fur incident
when she was very young we got her her first winter coat and
she took the coat off and very politely gave it back to me and declined to wear
it she said i can't wear this coat mommy and you know she wasn't being ugly about it
and but i was very confused and it was a pretty coat and and i said why can't you wear that coat
and she said because it's made with fox fur and i i was very confused because i knew i wouldn't
have gotten anything that was actually made with fur and i looked inside and on the tag it said
faux f-a-u-x faux fur and she didn't you know understand the difference at that point again
she was very young but she was asserting her um opinion that it was not okay to wear
real animal fur and you know i had to respect it i was like okay i understand why you're doing
this now let me clarify for you that means it's fake fur it's not fox fur it's fake fur
and and she was okay with it after that um but she learned that it was safe to be authentic i
wasn't going to yell at her throw a temper tantrum because she declined to wear the very nice coat
when something bad happens help the child explore their thoughts and encourage them to consider
alternate interpretations and ways to cope i'm a failure because i failed the test separating that
behavior from the person you failed the test that is true you however are not a failure so let's
look at the evidence about whether you as a person are a failure and and sometimes you have to really
dig down and get into um spelling it out very explicitly especially for young children but
it's important i dropped my lunch tray today and everybody laughed at me i can't show my
face at school ever again i think we've all experienced that either even as adults at work
something happens and we're mortified we're like oh my gosh i don't want to go back there
but helping the child explore what their thoughts are about it
and how to cope with it because unfortunate things are going to happen and we don't want
it to negatively impact their self-esteem i remember one time i walked out of the
bathroom at the office at residential treatment center and i had my dress tucked into the back of
my britches so you know everybody was seeing my britches and i was mortified but you know
two weeks later quite honestly nobody remembered it but you know i just laughed with everybody else
i'm like well you know guess the director can screw up too and i took it in stride
they weren't thinking less of me because i did that it just kind of gave people a good laugh
and so one way of coping is to laugh at the situation and go oh my gosh that was that was
so embarrassing but everybody gets embarrassed and people feel more connected sometimes
when somebody else gets embarrassed they're like oh my gosh been there you know i've
been humiliated too i feel for you and it can really help people develop connections as well
and and sam dumped me for somebody else well that's gonna happen you know generally kids are
older when they start getting into relationships but we want to help them explore this is because
a lot of times it's like it's about me i wasn't good enough i wasn't this it wasn't
that and that can really erode at somebody's self-esteem if they start second-guessing
so we might go through and explore alternate reasons why sam may have ended the relationship
or want to go out with this other person that has nothing to do with you or maybe it does
have something to do with you but it's because you're not willing to do certain things sam wants
to go out with somebody who will fine you know so encouraging them to look at alternate explanation
explanation for what's happening but also not minimizing it recognizing regardless of
the reason the relationship broke up it still hurts like heck and empathizing and validating
and helping them figure out okay how do i tolerate this distress and work through the grief process
all of these things can help children and adolescents learn to reframe unfortunate things
in a way that helps them feel confident and competent and um good about themselves
what are my feelings what triggers them and how can i cope
mindfulness at meals and before bed can be really helpful if we ask children how do you feel right
now and if they say happy great why tell me why you're happy what's going on if they say
exhausted okay tell me about that encouraging children every day to engage in that emotional
vocabulary to identify what's going on and what triggered it so they can start connecting the
dots even as young as you know two or three kids can start connecting some of the dots
what does the feeling anger sadness etc look like for you and what does it feel like
for young children you want to identify it when they're showing
early signs of a feeling so if they're starting you can see they're starting to get
agitated or angry you want to identify that i see you're starting to get angry
children will learn and then you can help them say figure out what do i do next
for young children who don't have a big vocabulary who aren't reading words yet
you can ask them you know what animal do you feel like you know if they're scared maybe they feel
like a squirrel or a rabbit if they are angry maybe they feel like a roaring lion or a dragon
whatever it is or you can ask them what color they feel like do they feel like blue or pink or
what color do they feel like and why and encourage them to talk about and identify what makes me
feel happy what makes me feel angry sad scared overwhelmed this is an activity that you can just
do periodically so if a child if you're riding in a car you can just spontaneously go what animal
do you feel like today and tell me why or riding in the car sometimes you tell me you feel like
like a bunny rabbit why is that what makes you feel like a bunny rabbit encourage them to talk
and help them start connecting with themselves it helps them develop a sense of mastery
self-esteem is enhanced when people are aware of their thoughts feelings needs strengths weaknesses
and identity and feel safe living authentically now that's a lot to ask and kids don't have much
of this it's something that we help them develop with secure attachment we help
them when they start getting upset we help them identify what they're feeling put a word on it
we help them learn how to tolerate that distress and then we help them identify you know what need
do you have right now or what made you feel this way what triggered this feeling in you and what
can you do about it so through being validating and responsive to children we can help them
develop a sense of personal mastery and personal agency so the world doesn't seem so overwhelming
we can help people accept that they are lovable despite
being imperfect and remember we need to do this with everybody not just with children we need to
use our words carefully instead of saying somebody is a bad person say they're a good person that
made a mistake i remember when i was my son was little i used to lose my keys a lot and i would
say mommy's such a [ __ ] and i remember one day i lost my keys and he just spouted up for me mommy's
a [ __ ] and i turned and i got ready to scold him for it and then i thought well he's heard me say
it 20 times or more so at that point i said you know what i really shouldn't say that about myself
because that's not not nice to me so i should say that that was a silly thing for me to do
to not put my put my keys away and he was fine with it he's like okay um but it was important
it's important to recognize that kids absorb a lot so we need to recognize and be careful about
what we're saying and what the people around us are saying and even what the media they
watch is saying what kind of messages is are there television shows communicating to
them people's self-esteem is enhanced when they feel loved for who they are and not what they do
or what they look like when they're loved because they're a caring person even if they don't always
act caringly they are a caring person and they can make better choices in the future
self-esteem is enhanced when people feel confident in their ability to manage their emotions and cope
with life you know we feel esteem we feel good about ourselves when something happens and we get
upset and we can handle it instead of lashing out at people or melting down and we feel powerless
and hopeless and unsafe so we really want to help people feel confident in their ability to manage
it make sure they have the tools so then they don't because we want to prevent them from acting
in a way that they'll later regret and feel bad about feel bad about and people's self-esteem is
enhanced when they're encouraged to use their energy to be the best version of themselves
if that is what they are right now well great if they want to grow more well that's great too
but using their energy in a way that enhances them can help them feel again like they are
agents of change in their life and they can be even better than they were yesterday today
executive producer hype media global technical producer charles snipes
presenter dr donnelly snipes this video was recorded on february 7 2022
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