0:02 hi my name is tyles gibson and i'm the
0:03 creator of the personal development school
0:05 school
0:06 this is your daily breakthrough video
0:08 and in this video i want to talk to you
0:11 a little bit about healthy way to break up
0:11 up
0:13 with a dismissive avoidant attachment
0:14 style so this is part of a series that
0:16 i've been doing about healthy ways to
0:17 break up with different attachment
0:19 styles and different things you can do
0:20 to just help minimize the pain and
0:21 suffering that can take place within a
0:23 breakup because it can already be quite
0:24 treacherous for both parties going
0:26 through it um so just some really
0:28 helpful tools and things to keep in mind
0:30 when doing this that will really make
0:32 the healing process and process of
0:34 gaining closure
0:36 not personalizing things as much
0:37 and not really hurting for prolonged
0:39 periods of time as much after a breakup
0:45 so
0:46 i'm going to dive in before i do i want
0:47 to make a really quick announcement
0:49 which is that we are doing our lifetime
0:51 membership sale at pds it gives you
0:52 access to our entire membership at pds
0:54 for life
0:55 um there's a massive discount it's like
0:58 a 40 discount right now or something
1:00 like that i think it's 40
1:01 um our team takes care of all that stuff
1:04 but basically it gives you access to
1:05 every single one of our 50 plus courses
1:07 plus everyone that comes out on an
1:09 ongoing basis it gives you access to all
1:11 of our webinars on an ongoing basis all
1:14 of our social events study groups um
1:17 workbooks materials everything um for
1:18 life so you can check that out if you
1:20 want to uh jump in and if you've already
1:22 been a student for quite some time um
1:24 you can reach out to info
1:25 personaldevelopmentschool.com and our
1:27 customer service team will literally
1:29 help you get an extra discount on top of
1:30 the discount to upgrade your membership
1:32 and change it over
1:33 um so
1:35 that's it for my announcement okay so
1:37 a couple things here that are really
1:38 really important when you're going
1:39 through a breakup the very first thing
1:40 and i said this in the other parts of
1:41 the series is you want to get really
1:43 clear about your reason
1:44 and it's okay if you have one or two
1:46 reasons sometimes we reach multiple
1:47 conclusions by the time we decide to
1:49 break up with somebody um but you want
1:52 to have one or two or three maximum
1:53 specific things that you're going to say
1:56 as to your why and you also want to make
1:57 sure that you're very concise and you
1:58 don't leave room for that to be
2:00 negotiated okay you don't want to say oh
2:01 i'm kind of thinking this or i'm sort of
2:03 feeling this but i may change my mind
2:05 conciseness is key it gives the other
2:07 person closure i know it's difficult to
2:09 do but it's really important that you do
2:10 that because without closure when we
2:12 feel like there's an open-endedness in
2:13 relationships although dismissive
2:15 avoidance lesser than the other
2:17 attachment styles are going to be
2:18 interested in rekindling after a
2:20 relationship a lot of these kind of like
2:22 go cold and repress their emotions and
2:24 disconnect very deeply as a means to
2:25 keep themselves safe from feeling their feelings
2:26 feelings
2:28 um but
2:29 there's another video about that on this
2:31 channel why dismissive wounds can be so
2:32 kind of like cold and shut off after a
2:34 breakup but that's a separate topic of
2:36 conversation um you can search that if
2:38 you want to check it out um anyways so
2:41 so what you'll see here is that like the
2:42 the individual in the receiving end of
2:43 the breakup if they feel like there's a
2:45 door open it stops them from having
2:46 closure and really like the ability to
2:48 move on
2:49 and as i've suggested in the other parts
2:50 of the series
2:52 if you are not sure but you really need
2:54 space suggest a break for a very
2:56 definitive period of time a four-month break
2:57 break
2:59 usually it's like a four week or a two
3:01 month or three month maximum um and then
3:02 have a conversation at the end and
3:05 decide and um set clear boundaries in
3:08 that finite period of taking a break um
3:10 but what you really want to get clear
3:11 about here is if you're in a situation
3:13 where you're going
3:15 you know i i just don't know do that but
3:18 don't say we're broken up and then give
3:19 mixed messages because it's honestly
3:21 unfair to the other person's healing
3:22 process a lot of the time so get clear
3:24 get concise give specific reasons be
3:26 honest about those reasons i've seen a
3:27 lot of times people are so afraid to
3:29 hurt the person they're dishonest about
3:31 the reason but guess what happens if
3:33 we're not honest about the reason
3:34 the subconscious mind of the person on
3:36 the receiving end is going to project on
3:38 to the situation
3:39 what their biggest insecurities are it's
3:41 how the mind works it looks for worst
3:43 case scenarios it's part of the
3:45 subconscious mind um sort of inner
3:46 workings and it's a survival strategy at
3:48 a subconscious level if i can think of
3:49 all the worst case scenarios i can
3:51 protect myself from them so the mind
3:53 works that way but it usually has this
3:55 really negative impact long term because
3:57 it really prevents the individual on the
3:59 receiving end of that um from from
4:01 getting clear and then what we do is we
4:02 go okay you're breaking up with me i
4:04 don't know why
4:05 and we project our core wounds onto the
4:07 situation so if i'm a dismissive
4:08 avoidant i might make it mean i'm
4:10 defective and
4:11 there's something flawed fundamentally
4:13 about me which is a horrible way to feel
4:14 if i'm fearful avoidant i'm probably
4:16 going to make it mean well you betrayed
4:17 me and you're interested in somebody
4:19 else or you were dishonest from the
4:21 beginning about what you wanted or you
4:22 know and if i'm ap i'm going to make it
4:24 mean i'm i'm not good enough i'm
4:26 rejected i'm unlovable i'm always going
4:28 to be abandoned and alone you know so we
4:30 give the worst case scenario meaning
4:32 so you can actually help your your
4:35 loved one to move through healing more
4:37 easily by giving them real concrete
4:38 meaning let them know hey there was this
4:40 and this compatibility issue and i'm not
4:43 willing to to compromise on this and so
4:45 we're not compatible in this situation
4:46 you know give them like the clear
4:47 specific things or we want different
4:48 things or the more i got into the
4:50 relationship the more i realized i
4:51 actually need to figure myself out for a
4:53 little bit here be honest be clear be
4:55 specific and then what you can do is you
4:57 can package this and this is sort of our
4:58 next step as it relates to the dismiss
5:00 of avoidant is you can package this in a
5:02 way that helps them to take it less
5:04 personally we know the dismissal
5:05 avoidance core wounds are things like i
5:07 am defective or something's wrong with
5:10 me i'm incapable of doing relationships
5:13 um i'm unsafe in relationships um you
5:15 know vulnerability makes me weak or is
5:16 bad so
5:18 i let the person know look i really
5:20 appreciate how you showed up and that
5:21 you were vulnerable in the relationship
5:23 it meant a lot to me um i think we both
5:25 learned and grew from that i also you
5:27 know if they were vulnerable of course
5:30 right um um let the person know as well
5:31 um there's so many wonderful things
5:33 about you and you are great in these
5:36 areas of the relationship but for me
5:37 i just need to figure myself out right
5:39 now or whatever it might be that your
5:41 true honest reason is right you can fill
5:43 in that blank but but you can
5:45 equilibrate the person's core wounds by actively
5:46 actively
5:48 um where those things would come up
5:50 letting them know it's not that you know
5:51 you think you're
5:53 flawed in some way fundamentally
5:54 something's wrong with you look all
5:56 these things were great and great and
5:57 normal about you
5:59 so you can help do that equilibration
6:01 work with the person um but then also
6:02 proceed to give your honest reason and
6:05 then what i would say next is um make
6:06 sure that you don't do this halfway make
6:08 sure you don't keep on putting one foot
6:10 out um let the person know i'm not open
6:12 to changing right now um this is what i
6:14 want going forward and then together you
6:16 can establish boundaries for what you
6:18 think is the next right move um so if
6:20 you need boundaries for example that let
6:23 both parties know look um we're not
6:24 going to talk at all
6:26 if boundaries need to be more along the
6:28 lines for you of like let's take some
6:29 space for three months only tax
6:31 sporadically like maybe once or twice a
6:33 week maximum
6:35 um really if we need to and then let's
6:38 try to maybe establish a friendship
6:40 three months down the road and you know
6:41 be more friendly with each other and
6:43 move things along on good terms or if
6:44 you're like no we just don't want to be
6:46 friends after breakup that's perfectly
6:48 fine too but make a decision make that
6:50 collectively take each other's
6:51 boundaries into consideration
6:54 talk about them and then stick to them
6:55 and these are all going to be really
6:57 really important parts going forward so
6:59 i hope that makes a lot of sense for
7:01 today um i hope you come and check out
7:03 our lifetime membership and um if you're
7:05 already a student come stick around with
7:08 me for life um and uh thank you for
7:10 being here please like share and
7:11 subscribe to this channel if you haven't
7:13 already and i will see you in the next video
Chrome Extension