This content emphasizes the critical role of parents in helping children develop emotional intelligence and resilience by validating their feelings, providing a safe space for expression, and modeling healthy emotional regulation, ultimately fostering stronger family relationships and individual well-being.
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what I ask a parents in family therapy is hard it's hard for me to do and my own home sometimes
and that is my expectation of you is you will be the calmest person in the room and that means
you must co-regulate with [Music] God Michelle welcome to focus on the family thanks for having
me yeah it's good to have you in from Texas we have many friends in Texas yes let me ask you
you know as adults we aren't always comfortable with our emotions some of us I think especially
Men We that's one of the clubs we get hit with I definitely have been hit with that club you know
that it just takes a lot of energy and thinking for us to get our emotions out there in the table
then at the end of the day we're going why did I do that um but for kids particularly we can be
a little more honest as children we do say things kind of just out there don't we as children we do
because children's filters aren't as welldeveloped a lot of times the world hasn't started um
blocking some of that in their lives and so therefore they are more apt some to express their
emotions and really especially in the you know the preschool years to show you all the different
emotions and all the different intensities of them and then they go through these different
hormonal spikes and their brain changes and then they continue to just oscillate between different
levels of emotional intensity for sure when do you I mean you're clinically trained you're uh taking
care of kids all the time in your practice when do kids begin to kind of Express these emotions
and then when do you see as a clinician when it becomes an issue what how do you diagnose that I
mean any three-year-old I'm sure might say I'm I'm a scared of that is that what parents should worry
about is that normal development and then how do you go about managing that well I teach our
counselors two words for frequency and intensity so those are the things we want to look at at any
age we we love that kids are saying I'm scared because they're developing emotional vocabulary
which we want and you're right um previously Generations didn't want emotions to be on the
bus even psychology tended to lean towards logic even Christian work did and then we moved into
this area where we are now where emotions are almost running our bus right but what we really
want to do is like Empower kids to let God and them drive the bus but have emotions on the bus
and it's really really important that we do that and so we want to help kids getting perspective
for sure you know on a scale of 1 to 10 how scared are you is a great question for a parent to ask
those are really good I do say a scared on purpose I think I use that as grammatically incorrect as
a child a scared I don't know why children lean to us scared but uh let me ask you this um some
common mistakes that parents make trying to help their kids process their emotions what what are
they the mistakes that we make the first one is to ignore emotions or try to shut them down and
granted you know sometimes we're in a hurry and we don't have time for the full meltdown and we have
to help them cope um a lot of times it's just we got to go I don't care if you're sad if you're in
a hurry or it may be you don't even know what sad is let me tell you what sad looks so discounting
yes discounting it and that is if we do that young this is the one thing I really want parents
to understand you will lose the opportunity to be the emotional compass in your child's life because
if they realize that you don't care about that and you're not approachable about that they're
going to find other sources to be their emotional Compass that's powerful and you don't want that
yeah that is so powerful yeah and in that regard I mean we discount kids so much you know as parents
that what they have to say can be you know the the kid were you this kid John that ask why all
the time why does it work that way why does it do that why does it ring why does it I mean it's
just that annoying kind of thing and if we're not careful especially as Christian parents if we're
not careful you do drive your child away because you don't feel safe to them and as adults we don't
even realize that that we're promoting that kind of distance in our relationship with our child
yeah so let me ask you for the moms and dads right there I mean what is a better way when you're
pressed with time you got to get out the door and your child's saying I don't feel good right now or
I you know I feel sad right now what should they say well the first thing I think we need to do
depending on the age of the child is get on their level and and give us do a parental parental pivot
because we're usually juggling a lot of things too and trying to get ourselves out the door if it's
morning time and I'm working with families so we want to get on their level if they're little and
say first just validate the feeling recognize what they've said I know you feel sad and I understand
that but we still have to get to preschool school you know sometimes I think but you still have to
go to work today right so and that's happened I mean I lost my dad last year to cancer and
I I still had to do some things even when I was feeling sad so I think it's also important that
we let there there's a time and a space to I took a break you know and we want to not let emotions
shut us down but let us take some space but then we also have to teach our kids the resilience of
learning not to White Knuckle it all the time but to learn how to push through emotional
distress sometimes to be able to do things and then come back to that emotional distress at
a more appropriate time sometimes parents never come back and that's the issue we can we can get
them moving forward but but especially if there's something going on the other thing real quickly I
want to say is that we want to name it and then we might want to ask them where are you feeling that
in your body and then lastly ask them what would you like to do to let go of some of that and then
we're empowering them too to manage their emotions or sometimes how could God be involved in your sad
and help you through it that's a great parental question a good way to connect to that because
that feeling is going to be there throughout their life given circumstances that will pop up
you had an experience with your own family loss where your husband's brother and sister-in-law
tragically passed away of cancer sorry that that happened they had to be young they were
um they were well she was in her 40s and he was in her 50s we all had our kids young I mean old
we had we were old when we had our kids 40s and 50s are young they are young they're young to
me now it's kind of changed but um yeah Jen was actually Drew's twin sister yeah and um within two
weeks she and Dwight were diagnosed with cancer and they died two years apart with cancer leaving
behind three kids under 10 and my children spent the first four and a half years with them moving
in and out of our home as they were sometimes they just need to take care for themselves so we
actually bought a bigger car cuz we needed more space for five kids sure um but it was really
hard on my youngest son Nolan who didn't have a lot of language at that point and I Did You Know
The Enemy can do really disastrous things in kids Minds during that time and that's why we want to
ask good questions to them because Nolan thought that it was common that both parents died so he
had this he was having these horrible nightmares I found out after he we went to the doctor with a
stomach issue and the pediatrician teased me we're on you know small town we're on boards together
she's she usually tells me take my counselor hat off and put my mom hat on when I walk in the door
but this time she's like I I now can't believe I'm doing this with you but can you put your counselor
hat on take your mom hat off I'm going to read you a case and she's reading him her notes and
I'm like he's got separation anxiety and I looked at him and I said are you afraid mom and dad are
going to die and he said Mom almost every night I dream my husband was traveling at the time Dad's
plane blows up you have cancer and I can't find Sophia oh wow that's devastating and so we began
to pray about that specifically and I you know I normalized the fact that most parents don't die
and then we had to work on that separation anxiety he was leaving school due to these stomach issues
and so the school counselor called me and she said I used to be the crisis counselor for school
district she goes this is kind of embarrassing because you're the parent but you're the person
I'd call in a situation like this what do you want me to do and I said I want you to give him
a job when I drop him off because when he sits in that gym he thinks about leaving us instead could
he be your door holder or something where he's interacting with kids and that way he won't start
thinking about you know us dying or anything else and then if he has and my son's pretty quick with
his work so if he gets downtime in the middle of the day and this starts when he goes to the nurse
I need the nurse to send him to you I need you to read him a book do an activity with him and then
let's see if we can get him back in class unless he's running a fever and then let's send him
home no and those are the good practical things you need to be mindful of in fact you encourage
parents to listen intently which can be a short stick for parents because we don't always have
time to listen intently to our kids because we're not sure they're going to say anything that we
think is important but you want to challenge that to say if they're expressing themselves you need
to hear it I think we need to listen with our eyes yeah and that helps a lot because that directs our
attention and our affection a lot of times too because the eyes are the window to the soul so
that's a lot of times what my even my children will even give that back to me now sometimes as
teenagers mom can you listen to me for a moment with your eyes you know and that means give
me your full undivided attention and let me tell you what if we want kids to feel significant in
this world and confident one of the ways we do that is we see them and that's when we listen with
our eyes we tell them I see you yeah just like the Lord does with us and we help them understand
that that the lord always sees them too and we're the vessels and the source of that in their lives
until they have that experience more maturely with him you know Michelle we sit at this table John
and I we talk to some smart people some phds and counselors and psychiatrist and so much and I'd
like to get your percentage of this I know that's a rough Thumb in the air kind of thing or finger
in the air but so much of who we become is rooted in our our family of origin and what we're talking
about here are things that these children are going to learn that we actually learned too when
we were kids and that be becomes embedded in us it's kind of our wiring our if you use a computer
term right it's our programming and some of life becomes how to undo those things that have been
done most of the time I would say without thought parents aren't trying to set up a young adult for
failure but that ignoring them not listening to them not counting their comments as worthy to be
heard those are devastating signal to a a child and that will become part of their fear structure
most of the things the enemy will use spiritually against them as teenagers and young adults right
well I actually experienced some of that in my own home growing up while my dad was a deacon and
Elder in the church and I mean my his last job was the head of pastoral development for MAF he was a
very Godly man but he had a horrible temper and it was really out of control when he wasn't walking
with the Lord very closely When We Were Young and so I did have a huge impact with that in my own
life um I was a very sensitive child and he did not appreciate that always and so we did have a
lot of conflict um when I was young and and even I would say to go so far as to some verbal and
physical abuse um one thing that parents do that's one of the biggest mistakes is when a kid is upset
we're projecting future failure through that on our kids we need to be real careful with that
who we become as we move into adults has a lot to do with our family of origin but especially
in the family of Christ and I'm a great example of this my parents at the mission field in young
adulthood who we become can be greatly influenced by the family of Christ becoming New Creations in
our lives totally and I do not think ever one of the things I say even with mental health is our
diagnosis doesn't have to determine our destiny yeah I think in that context though the the fair
thing is that these things potentially can be the shackles that you have to um find the key
hopefully through a relationship in Christ to unshackle your emotional heart so that you can
grow in the Lord and my dad said the best thing in the kingdom is watching your your kids raise
your grandkids you know because my he he told me all the time I'm so proud of you even though and
he knew this you know I spent more time in mommy time out than my kids ever spent on a calm down
step because I inherited his fiery Spirit um but there was not there is not anger in our heart home
and I married a man that doesn't had didn't have that family Legacy as well and my our home is a
very safe place in fact we're hoping our kids are going to leave it now but um because they
love being there they love being there it's a safe place it's um you know at 14 and 17 it's a pretty
good sign I tried to leave the home in that age range I I worked starting at 14 20 hours a week
up to 40 hours a week just to stay away from just walking on eggshells in my home growing up
and not knowing who I was going to meet in him he could be this this wonderful warm person or
could be this angry person so I do think what we this is what I tell in the podcast all the time
mentally healthy parents raise mentally healthy kids so parents who learn to deal with their own
emotions help their kids deal with theirs that's and that's where I started was even in my own
life dealing with my own so that I would not pass this gener I mean this goes way back to a great
Granddad that would hold a gun to you know kids heads so very severe Legacy of of anger and ab
and and really was intentional about breaking that generational curse even before I had kids
in my 20s while I was you know training to become a Biblical counselor Michelle let me ask you this
I mean this is a serious topic we've kind of put a cloud on some of this discussion the lighter
side of this I think you have a Taco Bell meltdown experience this is so funny because this is where
I lived when my boys were small with the store and the candy checkout or you know whatever yes
so my my daughter still doesn't eat breakfast regularly which is I always ask her to but you
know and this is part of what we learn as parents there are battles to fight and there are battles
not to fight and there are things for our kids to learn on their own and so I was I told her you
know we're you know I'm always telling the kids the plan because I'm that kind of personality
so we're I'm going to drop you at school we're going to go to Taco Bell we're g your dad's going
to take your brother from the soccer field we're going to meet at home and then we're going to go
see your grandma this was Sergeant Logistics right there all di I am moving this this this path along
and I go to pick her up and as I'm literally in the parking lot my husband calls and says mom is
headed to the hospital um we are not allowed to leave children unattended in Texas on a soccer
field so that changed what I needed to do so I picked Sophia up and I was like hey you know um
we can't go get we can't go to Taco Bell right now we've got to go we're going to end up at
the hospital but I'm G to we got to go get your brother and she acts like I said your grandma
has just died you know she is like I'm starving I'm going to be a little dramatic here you know
I'm starving I can't make it that long I can't go all the way to Wy and then to the soccer field and
then you'll talk to people and then we got to get home and I just you know I just listened and then
I calmly said to her it's only Taco Bell well I said on a scale of 1 to 10 how big is this really
and she says I know it's a two but it feels like an eight you know and so and that's so true true
in our own lives don't we have things that happen and we're like you know perspective wise this is
not the way my emotions feel but our emotions can get ahead of us sometimes and that why that's why
we can't let them drive that bus and we've got to teach our kids that they're going to have them
but they just can't run their lives now I also want to remind you your children's frontal loes
aren't developed you know and so that's going to make a big difference in their ability to manage
their emotions so what I ask a parents in family therapy is hard it's hard for me to do in my own
home sometimes and that is my expectation of you is you will be the calmest person in the room and
that means you must co-regulate with God because you need his peace that passes all understanding
to Anchor you so you can anchor them and that's it when you were saying that when you said to your
child about Taco Bell and you said well on a scale of one to 10 how important this is this to you
that's a brilliant comment and it's just so funny that as parents we don't go there I told you we're
not going to Taco Bell let's get down to a fight well and guess what you just did you mirrored the
emotions exactly I instead kicked in the left side of her brain into the numbers so she had to think
and that shut down part of that right side of the brain that was over aroused and over emotional
right it's kind of irrational like you want to go here you want to have a fight don't you know I'm
your mother don't you know I'm your father I'm going to win this fight let's go yeah and I grew
up like that but here's the thing I do love one thing silly Dr Phil says this he says do you want
to be right or do you want to be in relationship well that's a question parent boom I want to be in
relationship I'm usually right yeah but I'm going to manage them in such a way that either I direct
that well or we take a break so our brains calm down or I let them learn a little bit and let them
um because that drives them to the Lord too the last thing we want to be you know we used to have
helicopter parents now we've got lawnmower parents just plowing ahead and I have really struggled
with this with my daughter who's about to go off to college but I watching the fruit of this and
this is another thing we all these things that we want for our kids emotional control they're
fruits of the spirit well a 2-year-old's barely a Seedling right you know and a 14-year-old's b what
they've got a couple little grapes starting to Bud but sometimes we expect them to be Vineyards
oh yeah and they're not and I'm not a Vineyard yet so it's it's tough well and I think especially as
Christian parents yeah we have high expectations of our behavior of their behavior and so we better
see a Vineyard even though you're two I want fruit of the spirit that's right and the fruit of the
spirit is something we sing about in preschool and we learn to live out hopefully well as we age
it's one of my great I'm grateful now even though we went through a lot of fertility treatment that
I am an older parent because there is hopefully more fruit and when I start when she and I or he
and I cuz I have one of each start rubbing on each other that's an indication to me that they need to
go more to the Lord I need to go to more the Lord I need to be because here's the thing I want to
do I want to plug into the spirit so I can be an extension cord of him to my kids and plug them in
right here at the end Michelle let's just uh cover this one thing um it's important to pray with your
child and specifically pray for those difficult emotional experiences how do you do that um with
your child not to freak them out or Panic them but how short and sweet I'll give you an example
okay and the enemy can be really twisting with our words one time my daughter looked at me she
was probably about eight like I'd punched her in the gut huh and I she was headed up the stairs
and I said whoa whoa whoa come back here you know and I said to her what did you hear Mommy say and
she said that I'm the worst kid in the world and I never do anything right wow and I said oh honey
do you know what I said I said these shoes have been here for 5 days do you think you could take
them up with you cuz I'm sick of looking at them but a't that funny that my tone of because 93%
of everything we say is non-verbal so what she received from that and what the enemy Twisted I
said first of all those two thoughts would never enter my mind yeah you are you are God's gift to
me and I Delight in being your parent and then I said to her let's pray about this right now
because I want to break this idea in your mind and so I just said God I am frustrated and I know
Sophia felt the full weight of my frustration in this moment but I pray that in jesus' name
she would know how loved she is even when I'm frustrated with her at the angriest moment we
will ever have together Sophia will know that I am proud of her and that she is loved because
she is your gift for me and Lord help us to live that in Jesus name amen short sweet to the point
and it affir still emotional today but it affirms that child that's what's so beautiful about it I
and it really makes that distinction between I'm not attacking you as a person I'm trying to shape
your behavior and that's different and I think we as parents we fail to make that distinction
for them so they know we're not attacking them especially when we're emotional I think that and
they're emotional I think we miss that information totally totally this has been great and thank you
so much I you know I used to draw the scared sad happy faces I didn't know you could get a chart
I'm serious I'm that dense but I used to draw these out with the boys and say how do you feel
right now they'd Circle one and we'd talk about it yes we do that a lot but you got these great books
God I feel sad God I feel scared and you could probably just keep releasing these books into
every emotion that children have we're looking at that and we actually have one for older teens
called managing your emojis which covers all four of the emotions that's a clever way to say just to
to to help and and the thing I love about these is I have grandparents who are telling me like I call
my granddaughter and because they're latchy kids a lot of them and so I call her and we read one of
these on Faceook time when she gets home together but she said to me I'm learning things I never was
taught yeah and I think that's so beautiful I couldn't ask for the Lord to use this material
in a better way think of that I mean thankfully we're contacting hundreds of thousands of parents
every year through focus on the family if we just do that job together you being here the books the
other resources that are here our counseling department and we help hundreds of thousands
of parents do that job better connecting I mean I can sleep tonight and sleep very well but Michelle
thanks for being with us thank you and if you can make a gift of any amount we'll send you this two
book bundle a great way to get started God I feel sad God I feel scared as our way saying thank you
for being part of the ministry man share these like hot cakes with your own family but others too
these are great resources for churches and uh what a wonderful discussion we've had today I'm looking
forward to having you back Michelle I think you got a lot more to say about parents and children
so thank you again for being with us thanks for having me and as Jim said uh call today or stop
by the website make a generous donation of any amount either a monthly pledge or one-time gift
we'll send you the bundle of the two books God I feel scared and God I feel sad and on behalf of
the entire team thanks for watching and listening today to focus on the family with Jan daily I'm
John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ [Music]
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