simply may not even be in narcissistic personality
personality
but your narcissistic parent or parents
may have really fueled and stoked
this dynamic that's sibling may now
attempt to step in to the hole that you
left an attempt to become the new golden
child a goal that they may achieve in
part through a strange Minh now can a
narcissist cause estrangement sure / of
course they can why because they love
triangulation now think about it
especially in family systems with adult
children triangulation frankly can
manifest as smear campaigns and ongoing
scapegoating of a member of a family
system and that can result in other
family members believing the lead narcissist
narcissist
now obviously estrangement can very much
be a part of a divorce situation in
which the narcissistic parent may engage
in a smear campaign or just even I don't
know sharing inappropriate sentiments or
lies about the other parent effectively
as strange in' from the other parent and
even from other extended family members
so with strange meant can easily and is
quite often weaponized in a family
dynamic the fallout from this can be
horrific in the case of being estranged
from your parents it can feel like a
primitive abandonment and for example if
it was a narcissistic sibling who was
attempting to sort of win over the
parents as they get older with an eye on
the will or the estate or the family
whatever this motivation actually may be
lost on the parents
and the manipulative skill of your
narcissistic sibling may leave you may
leave you in a terrible position of
having to try to get through to your
parents who may or may not believe you
especially if you're narcissistic and
estranging sibling perhaps lives closer
to them or spends more time with your
parents than you do as an adult child
this can also be really awful if one
parent even if your parents are still
married is motivated to not only
estranged you from the other parent but
from your entire family and this is a
dynamic that can sometimes arise in
blended families when a narcissistic or
toxic deaf parent who has the ear of
your parent whom they married may act to
estranged you from your own parent and
again this can often just always follow
the money go back to money probate and
Will's but just as often it is a power
and control maneuver designed to give
one person in the family more power by
triangulation again now when this
involves your adult children
it is deeply traumatizing most people
will acknowledge that the worst loss a
person could endure if they have
children is the loss of their own child
but to experience an estrangement from
your child on the basis of the
manipulation of the narcissistic parent
even years after a divorce can be very unsettling
unsettling
these narcissistic tactics can sadly be
quite successful and sometimes frankly
for the narcissistic parent it's just
about the win then in the end they have
to be the ones that the kid they have to
be the one that the kids
I choose them not you an estrangement
from another parent can often be
achieved through the usual web of lies
and smear campaigns but it can also
occur through financial controls the
narcissistic parent may pay rent for the
child or by the child a house or pay
tuition or dangled money as a way to
keep them on the hook and often sell
those adult children the story that they
would have actually even had more money
to give them if only the other parent
didn't clean them out in the divorce
that's even when you didn't get a cent
right what about if you marry into an
estranged family or have narcissistic
and toxic in-laws it becomes key that
you have a healthy alliance with your
spouse because as a united front and as
a supporter for the other you can
support each other through this kind of
a strange dynamic if you are estranged
from your family and you meet someone
new please try to shelve your shame and
put it away and be transparent it's a
good place to start in any relationship
the one thing you never want to do is
write in like some kind of rescuer and
try to fix your in-laws or your endorse
other people in your partner's family
it's really not your place and if you do
not understand narcissism and
narcissistic family dynamics it can
actually be very easy to step into a
mess and leave your partner or your
spouse feeling invalidated there is a
reason your partner's family is
estranged respect it don't judge it and
instead put your efforts and energies on
your relationship with your partner
now estrangement can obviously raise
lots of negative emotions most notably
shame and guilt in fact these are often
the reason people fight estrangement
even even when a strange manat
necessarily be a bad thing to have
happen but the bottom line is that
people often will judge you when they
hear that you are estranged from your
family they may respond within
validating comments like oh come on
nothing can be that bad family needs to
stick together which can really feel
horrific if there was a history of abuse
in your family or you might get the
what's wrong with you make nice with
your parents or maybe you need to be the
bigger person and pick up the phone
for these reasons which can feel like an
ugly massive gaslighting and shame
people may not feel safe talking about
an estranged family system and shame can
often isolate us lead us to self
stigmatizing and foster some of the same
dysfunctional dynamics that we
experienced in childhood many people do
not feel empowered to be open about the
fact that they are from or are
experiencing an estranged family now
here because here's what it is here's
the bottom line
estrangement it's not always a bad thing
if a relationship and a family
relationship is abusive or manipulative
or deliberately cruel or characterized
by so much eggshell walking it's unbearable
unbearable
maybe estrangement is not necessarily a
bad thing
it can feel much harder if it happens to
you because perhaps a narcissist in the
family sort of engineered the estranged
but in the long-term even if that's how
it happened it may still be healthier in
some cases that estrangement sin place
and it may be the only way that the
boundaries you need to feel safe can be
in place now obviously the idea that a
stranger it may be a good thing is not
true in all cases and if the
estrangement occurred because lies were
shared about you or it was about some
stupid weak moralistic pillar that's
based on bias and ignorant it feels awful
awful
it's literally like watching your family
members being swallowed into a cult you
may feel you have no way you can reach
them narcissistic parents and other
family members will often use guilt or
chaos and crisis as a way of trying to
snap you out of that estranged system
because ultimately it's all about
control isn't it for them so even after
they pull away and certainly if you're
the one who pulls away they will they
might actually try to Hoover you through
chaos illness money problems they may
actually dangle an issue about a family
member you actually do care about like a
niece and nephew are a cousin to draw
you out and tuck you back into the
estranged family dynamic and since you
are vulnerable to those dynamics it may
work now remember even if you do get
pulled back in to an estranged family
system it always comes down to being
about realistic expectations and radical
acceptance they definitely don't like
certain narcissistic families don't like
when they lose control of the narrative
and if you become estranged from them
because you chose to cut off they're
probably not gonna like that
estrangement is a confusing and it's a
not uncommon dynamic in narcissistic
systems many of you out there might say
yep haven't spoken to my adult children
in years haven't spoken to my parents
and years and it's because of narcissism
if I can only say one thing to you it's
not as uncommon as you would think
it hurts there's a lot of grief in the
process but in some cases when you get
to the other side while that hurt may
always linger sometimes especially in
narcissistic family systems it's not
unusual and may be a tool of control but
ultimately it may not always be a bad
thing that it happened I hope this
episode has clarified some of your
understanding about a strange man and
how it sort of fits in with the world of
narcissism thanks again for tuning in
please as always if you're new to this
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