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What is "estrangement"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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hi everyone its dr. Rami and welcome
back to the ever-growing glossary series
on terms relevant to narcissism and
understanding narcissistic relationships
this series was born out of the fact
that many people often not clear on some
of the terms used in the blogs and the
articles and the videos on narcissism
and I thought well let's just create one
place to really generate a lot of
clarity about these terms today we're
gonna take on the term a strange mint
but before I go on I asked please hit
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subscribe to this channel cuz there's
tons of content here on narcissism hit
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we post a new video so let's talk about
a strange meant if you come from a
family with narcissistic dynamics you
may know more than a little about
estrangement a stranger can be
characterized by a variety of patterns a
termination of contact from family
members distancing loss of connection
loss of affection and loss of warmth it
is often a pattern that develops slowly
and then it can unfold and persist over
years or even a lifetime
now estrangement is not necessarily just
being bad about staying in touch nor is
it really ever a good thing but it can
be and we're gonna talk about that at
the end of this video so this is not
about a family that has good boundaries
this is very much typically reflective
of a pattern in which people set down
very very concrete boundaries and they
end or minimize contact and closeness
because of a range of issues including
conflict abuse
disrespect differences in ideology shame
and judgment but this isn't just about
your family members not calling you back
this is far more intentional
estrangement is a big topic that takes
in far more territory than just what
happens in narcissistic family systems
so for our purposes I am going to take
this term on really in a more specific
and focused way and that's from a
narcissistic relationship lens now
estrangement can be represented by adult
children who no longer interact with
parents or siblings in a divorce
situation children either adult or minor
children if they cut off all contact
with one parent but not the other the
strange estrangement can be for example
in an extended family cutting off
contact with a specific branch of the
family or selectively members of the
family for example grandparents aunts
uncles or cousins there are a range of
reasons estrangement may happen as noted
you know what of what I just said but
there is something about the
narcissistic family relationship that
can increase the likelihood of
estrangement narcissistic parents or
parents with high conflict antagonistic
difficult abusive or toxic personalities
do lots of things that are really going
to increase the likelihood of
estrangement in adulthood these things
include the fact that they manipulate
especially using guilt they Gaslight
they scapegoat they use children as
supply they may manifest terrifying rage
at children they may never discuss or
share feelings with their children in
appropriate manner they may shame their
children for being different or wanting
something different they may attempt to
control them in a very excessive way now
basically all the things I just said are
the stuff that happened normal
narcissistic relationships except
because it's your parents these patterns
negatively impacted you
developmentally as a child and it's
likely they continue to plague you as an
adult and can make any kind of adult
relationship with your narcissistic
parent or family members into a
minefield parents are uniquely tricky
because there is often a more compelling
sense of obligation and duty to maintain
a relationship with a parent not to
mention all of that guilt they were so
good at generating and issuing now
estrangement can happen in one of two
directions you distance yourself from
them or they distance themselves from
you and it can happen either way in a
narcissistic relationship because many
people struggle with the idea that
narcissistic patterns are not going to
change it's a hard one's a hard thing to
get your head around this isn't going to
change or that they actually believe
that they could explain themselves to a
narcissistic parent and their
narcissistic parents finally again say
aha I get it now I hear it people just
like moths to flames keep having the
same discussions the same arguments and
the same painful diatribes happen
without changing anything and once you
recognize that none of this is going to change
change
and that these patterns are likely going
to be in your family in perpetuity that
may lead you to distance yourself from
the relationship now
a strange man does not actually always
mean no contact it can also mean not
staying in close contact with an
estranged family perhaps you might only
call them once or twice a year it may
mean visiting them only rarely it can
mean not staying at their home when you
visit it might mean that you very rarely
show up to family gatherings like for
example you might only come when I don't
know beloved cousin gets married but
that's about it
but obviously yes estrangement can also
mean no contact for some people there is
that dark day when you recognize that
the level at which you need to set
boundaries for the relationship to
become healthy would require such
distance you can see how over time that
this is going to result in what looks
like a strange man in fact some could
make the argument that a strange meant
is a manifestation of exactly the kind
of boundaries that are really required
to stay sane in a narcissistic
relationship now I'm not sure I agree
with that your narcissistic parent may
experience it that way because they
don't have the same kind of
psychological access to you but
boundaries and estrangement are not
always synonymous in narcissistic family
relationships estrangement can often be
a byproduct of control
narcissistic individuals love to control
the narrative now so that means if your
politics your ideology your choice of
partner your choice
career or anything else is not in line
with their typically very rigid view of
the world and their view of the world
obviously is very driven and largely
about people serving as their supply
especially their family and their family
making them look good to the world
because of that that can results in a
stranger n't and in a classical trope
this might play out as meeting a partner
who is of a different religion or
feeling that your political views are
wrong the inflexibility of many
narcissists can mean that these issues
require that they cut ties and then as a
cool and additional hit they will often
then attempt it estranged you from other
family members for bringing shame on to
the family or for espousing problematic
views that don't work for them and this
makes sense with a lot of people in such
a politically polarized time now
narcissistic hypersensitivity can also
be another way that estrangement often
sometimes it's just one birthday card
you forgot to send on time and then
that's it they cut off ties it is not
unusual in a narcissistic system for the
entire dynamic of walking on eggshells
being the fear of the honestly the
seemingly arbitrary way that the
narcissist just Boop kicks people out
now as a child this would have been terrifying
terrifying
and so you learn to hold your tongue but
as an adult it's just knowing that one
misplaced word means that you will be
iced sometimes for years over many years
of working with clients I have been
rakh by how many families were estranged
or at least one adult child from a
parent or sibling or on etc because she
lost one thing it was said and often
that thing wasn't that significant and
boom the narcissistic person in the
family system just cut off ties now fear
of estrangement is often what keeps
people stuck in narcissistic family
systems it can feel overwhelming
triggering isolating and really tragic
to feel like you've lost your family and
that can really leave a person feeling
very alone in the world in narcissistic
family systems that fear can often be
hanging out there as a menace which can
often snap everyone and get everyone in
line and in essence everyone may just
then end up giving in to the narcissist
party line and then when you throw in
other classical dynamics such as
triangulation and trauma bonding and
codependency and manipulation and
gaslighting by tribe you may find
yourself too confused to step away from
the mess and too scared to even speak
your mind or just even be yourself
sibling estrangement is a subset of
family estrangement which bears further
discussion if you have a narcissistic
sibling they may enjoy the chaos and
triangulation and that sibling may
foster an estranged family system that
sibling may also be stuck in childhood
dynamics that for example may leave them
wanting to be the favorite child for
example perhaps you were the golden
child and you just sort of move on with
your life but your sibling and your
simply may not even be in narcissistic personality
personality
but your narcissistic parent or parents
may have really fueled and stoked
this dynamic that's sibling may now
attempt to step in to the hole that you
left an attempt to become the new golden
child a goal that they may achieve in
part through a strange Minh now can a
narcissist cause estrangement sure / of
course they can why because they love
triangulation now think about it
especially in family systems with adult
children triangulation frankly can
manifest as smear campaigns and ongoing
scapegoating of a member of a family
system and that can result in other
family members believing the lead narcissist
narcissist
now obviously estrangement can very much
be a part of a divorce situation in
which the narcissistic parent may engage
in a smear campaign or just even I don't
know sharing inappropriate sentiments or
lies about the other parent effectively
as strange in' from the other parent and
even from other extended family members
so with strange meant can easily and is
quite often weaponized in a family
dynamic the fallout from this can be
horrific in the case of being estranged
from your parents it can feel like a
primitive abandonment and for example if
it was a narcissistic sibling who was
attempting to sort of win over the
parents as they get older with an eye on
the will or the estate or the family
whatever this motivation actually may be
lost on the parents
and the manipulative skill of your
narcissistic sibling may leave you may
leave you in a terrible position of
having to try to get through to your
parents who may or may not believe you
especially if you're narcissistic and
estranging sibling perhaps lives closer
to them or spends more time with your
parents than you do as an adult child
this can also be really awful if one
parent even if your parents are still
married is motivated to not only
estranged you from the other parent but
from your entire family and this is a
dynamic that can sometimes arise in
blended families when a narcissistic or
toxic deaf parent who has the ear of
your parent whom they married may act to
estranged you from your own parent and
again this can often just always follow
the money go back to money probate and
Will's but just as often it is a power
and control maneuver designed to give
one person in the family more power by
triangulation again now when this
involves your adult children
it is deeply traumatizing most people
will acknowledge that the worst loss a
person could endure if they have
children is the loss of their own child
but to experience an estrangement from
your child on the basis of the
manipulation of the narcissistic parent
even years after a divorce can be very unsettling
unsettling
these narcissistic tactics can sadly be
quite successful and sometimes frankly
for the narcissistic parent it's just
about the win then in the end they have
to be the ones that the kid they have to
be the one that the kids
I choose them not you an estrangement
from another parent can often be
achieved through the usual web of lies
and smear campaigns but it can also
occur through financial controls the
narcissistic parent may pay rent for the
child or by the child a house or pay
tuition or dangled money as a way to
keep them on the hook and often sell
those adult children the story that they
would have actually even had more money
to give them if only the other parent
didn't clean them out in the divorce
that's even when you didn't get a cent
right what about if you marry into an
estranged family or have narcissistic
and toxic in-laws it becomes key that
you have a healthy alliance with your
spouse because as a united front and as
a supporter for the other you can
support each other through this kind of
a strange dynamic if you are estranged
from your family and you meet someone
new please try to shelve your shame and
put it away and be transparent it's a
good place to start in any relationship
the one thing you never want to do is
write in like some kind of rescuer and
try to fix your in-laws or your endorse
other people in your partner's family
it's really not your place and if you do
not understand narcissism and
narcissistic family dynamics it can
actually be very easy to step into a
mess and leave your partner or your
spouse feeling invalidated there is a
reason your partner's family is
estranged respect it don't judge it and
instead put your efforts and energies on
your relationship with your partner
now estrangement can obviously raise
lots of negative emotions most notably
shame and guilt in fact these are often
the reason people fight estrangement
even even when a strange manat
necessarily be a bad thing to have
happen but the bottom line is that
people often will judge you when they
hear that you are estranged from your
family they may respond within
validating comments like oh come on
nothing can be that bad family needs to
stick together which can really feel
horrific if there was a history of abuse
in your family or you might get the
what's wrong with you make nice with
your parents or maybe you need to be the
bigger person and pick up the phone
for these reasons which can feel like an
ugly massive gaslighting and shame
people may not feel safe talking about
an estranged family system and shame can
often isolate us lead us to self
stigmatizing and foster some of the same
dysfunctional dynamics that we
experienced in childhood many people do
not feel empowered to be open about the
fact that they are from or are
experiencing an estranged family now
here because here's what it is here's
the bottom line
estrangement it's not always a bad thing
if a relationship and a family
relationship is abusive or manipulative
or deliberately cruel or characterized
by so much eggshell walking it's unbearable
unbearable
maybe estrangement is not necessarily a
bad thing
it can feel much harder if it happens to
you because perhaps a narcissist in the
family sort of engineered the estranged
but in the long-term even if that's how
it happened it may still be healthier in
some cases that estrangement sin place
and it may be the only way that the
boundaries you need to feel safe can be
in place now obviously the idea that a
stranger it may be a good thing is not
true in all cases and if the
estrangement occurred because lies were
shared about you or it was about some
stupid weak moralistic pillar that's
based on bias and ignorant it feels awful
awful
it's literally like watching your family
members being swallowed into a cult you
may feel you have no way you can reach
them narcissistic parents and other
family members will often use guilt or
chaos and crisis as a way of trying to
snap you out of that estranged system
because ultimately it's all about
control isn't it for them so even after
they pull away and certainly if you're
the one who pulls away they will they
might actually try to Hoover you through
chaos illness money problems they may
actually dangle an issue about a family
member you actually do care about like a
niece and nephew are a cousin to draw
you out and tuck you back into the
estranged family dynamic and since you
are vulnerable to those dynamics it may
work now remember even if you do get
pulled back in to an estranged family
system it always comes down to being
about realistic expectations and radical
acceptance they definitely don't like
certain narcissistic families don't like
when they lose control of the narrative
and if you become estranged from them
because you chose to cut off they're
probably not gonna like that
estrangement is a confusing and it's a
not uncommon dynamic in narcissistic
systems many of you out there might say
yep haven't spoken to my adult children
in years haven't spoken to my parents
and years and it's because of narcissism
if I can only say one thing to you it's
not as uncommon as you would think
it hurts there's a lot of grief in the
process but in some cases when you get
to the other side while that hurt may
always linger sometimes especially in
narcissistic family systems it's not
unusual and may be a tool of control but
ultimately it may not always be a bad
thing that it happened I hope this
episode has clarified some of your
understanding about a strange man and
how it sort of fits in with the world of
narcissism thanks again for tuning in
please as always if you're new to this
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