This content is a comedic, modern, and highly irreverent reinterpretation of the classic "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" fairy tale, presented as a school play rehearsal and performance. It subverts traditional gender roles and injects adult themes and humor into the familiar narrative.
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all right across tonight we're going to
be doing another school play the school
play that we're going to be doing is
Goldilocks and the three bills oh my God
Goldilocks that's like my favorite story
I'm totally gonna be Goldilocks oh great
another school play where my talents
will be totally wasted on me playing an
inanimate object when am I gonna be this
time a bowl of porridge maybe a chair or
a window come on Cody you're way too
talented to be a window I see you more
as a door yeah totally adore dude yeah
thanks guys now I'm gonna come around
the cross and pass out the costumes for
the road that you'll be playing all
right Junior you're gonna be papa bear
oh yeah and Penelope you're gonna be
Mama Bear what but who's gonna be
Goldilocks and Joseph you're gonna be
baby bear oh that [ __ ] dude and Cody
you're gonna be Goldie rocks wait I'm
finally the lead all my dreams are
coming true what how is Cody gonna be
Goldilocks he's a boy shut that up and
LP I'm obviously hotter than you as a
girl thank you so much teacher I knew
you could see my talent when I played
that tree in that sheath follow your
dreams kids they really do come true
baby I promise you this is the last play
I'm going to my son's the lead isn't
this Goldilocks you got a problem with
my son being a woman no no no no it's
anyone's gonna be paying attention to me
Cody I should be playing the girl shut
up Penelope it's 20 22. men can be
better women than women can
all right kids the show's about to start
everybody ready two baby I put the hoe
in Show Business I was born ready all
right everyone take their places okay
everybody get the frick off my stage
watch me rock Mom Dad I won't let you
down all right everyone shut up it's
starting don't distract my codykins
ladies and gentlemen welcome to the
hi I'm Goldilocks and I'm just playing outside
outside
is that a butterfly [Music]
[Music]
is that a butterfly I'm gonna grab it
yes I am come back here butterfly I'm
gonna chase it yes I am where are you
going butterfly you're going into the
wood I guess I'm gonna follow him I'm
gonna follow him where'd you go you
stupid butterfly oh no I'm lost I have
no idea where I am I am lost in the
woods and I can't find my way back home
I am tired I am cold I just want to go home
home
is that a random house in the woods I'm
gonna see if anyone is home maybe they
can help me find my way back hopefully
it's not a house where they sell crack
the door is unlocked I'm inside I wonder
if there's anyone that's alive maybe
they have a phone I can use this is
breaking and entering hello huh I guess
they're not home wait I want to be where
the people aren't huh well maybe they
don't want me here oh well better poke around
around
do I smell porridge I love porridge and
what three bowls of porridge right here
out in the open that haven't even been
eaten what a bunch of wasteful bastards
but if they're not gonna eat it then I
will let me try this
oh no no that porridge is cold I can't
add porridge that porridge is just
disgusting should I even try the third
Bowl I mean the first two were not good
at all but I mean I guess if I broke
into their house I might as well try all
their food let's try the third one too oh
porridge I've ever had in my life that
is some good [ __ ] porridge has
anybody tried this goddamn porridge that
porridge is amazing no one told me the
porridge would be this good oh Jesus
Christ that is excellent porridge and
that doesn't really make a lot of sense
though because I mean you think all of
the porridge would have come from the
same batch but no I guess everybody
likes their porridge a little different
is just right man you know it would be
really good a chair so I could sit down
while I eat my porridge you know chairs
because people usually like to sit down
when they eat they don't just eat
standing up well I guess these people do
because they just ran off in a hurry
that's why they didn't eat all their
porridge but I'm gonna go look for a chair
chair
oh well there are the chairs I guess
I'll just pop a squat yeah yeah that's a
chair it's all right you know it's
pretty comfy well there are two other
chairs I guess I might as well try them
I don't really know why I would it's not
like this is Rooms To Go I'm not gonna
buy a chair but yeah yeah this one's
okay too I guess and it's not as comfy
because it doesn't have a cushion but
it's fine oh there's one more chair
might as well try it see what this is
about oh
yeah yeah I like this this is the one oh
yeah oh I gotta sing a song about this
all right
this one is fine this one's okay this
one's the best so I guess I'll just stay
I'm sitting down I hope no one's mad
this chair is just right
wow that was nice man this chair really
wore me out I think I could use a nap
make a look at their beds well here are
the beds wait is that a hospital gurney
uh-oh something really sad is happening
in this house but still I'm really tired
from chasing that butterfly and eating
the porridge and sitting in those chairs
so I think I need a nap yeah nope yeah
no this this sucks that I don't know
what I expected this is a hospital bed
it's very stiff let me try that one
okay yeah this is a little bit better I
mean it's better than that but it's
still pretty hard how about this one oh
yeah I think that's the one let me just
uh jump from this bed over there that'll
be fun oh
yeah Daddy likes this bed oh I can sleep
here but first i'm gonna sing a song [Music]
[Music]
this one is stiff this one's too hard
this one's the best so I guess I'll just
sleep I'm laying down no one is mad this
bed is just right
right oh yeah yeah this is the bed I
think I can just sleep here I don't
think I have to worry about them coming
home they left all their stuff out so
I can't believe Grandma had a heart
attack I know that's why we had to leave
the house in such a hurry poor Grandma
we should have got the Life Alert well
let's go inside and eat our porridge yum
I'm hungry damn skippy
oh man I can't wait to eat my porridge
mmm looks good hey what you took my
spoon I didn't take your spoon yes you
did that spoon was in my porridge before
we left and yours well how do you know
that this isn't your bowl because woman
I always sit on this side of the table
also my bowl is cold because I
refrigerate mine it might tastes like
piss because I peed in it what the hell
is wrong with you two just admit you
took my spoon I didn't take your damn
spoon yes you did stop yelling me in
front of our son oh I'll show you
yelling how about that oh wow guess who
has to clean that up oh the one damn
thing you threw it on the house while
you sit on your ass all day while I work
oh work like go out and drink beers with
the boys I deserve a tree because I'm
now please I hate it when you argue you
shut the hell up and go to your room
don't talk to our son like that I don't
even think he's our son he's clearly
black he's not mine foreign
furniture around everywhere I'm just
trying to be like your secret lover
Winnie the Pooh don't bring him into
this oh I want you to bring him into it
I saw him come by the other day and drop
off our mail I bet he shot honey all
over your face with his 100 Acre schlong
at least
oh nice to you yeah I think I bet you do
think he's nice because he walks around
with just a shirt on his Ding-A-Ling
flinging around well at least he's
present and always here yeah Mom said
that Mr pool's gonna be my new dad and
all right
I'm gonna pack up everything even your
bed sheets come on come on is it yelling
grab your pillow grab your bag sheets
grab everything I don't want to see your
face ever again we were already sleeping
in summer beds and we don't love each
other oh God
oh no no you clearly know I don't like
blondes I love redhead fat [ __ ] guys
this is just a big misunderstanding
miss you [ __ ] she looks like a goddamn
[ __ ] oh yeah he's a lot better looking
than the guy you're sleeping
I'm home and I got the honey part
because I'll provide for my [ __ ] oh
look who decided to show up here
here
you bring another guy in this house when
I pay all the bills and I work like you
I'm just gonna leave
I'm just gonna leave yes I am yes I am
gonna leave this place before I get hit
in the face yes I am cause I
I'm just gonna
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