YouTube Transcript:
Stop Being Nice to a Narcissist—Do THIS Instead | Jordan Peterson Motivational Speech

uh if you're dealing with a narcissist
the first thing you need to understand
is that they're not engaging with you in
the same way you're engaging with them
you're operating under the assumption
that relationships are built on mutual
respect reciprocity and shared
understanding that's the framework you
bring to the table because it's the
framework that allows for Meaningful
human connection but the narcissist
doesn't see it that way their game is
entirely different they are not
interested in mutuality they are
interested in power a narcissist's
primary goal in any interaction is to
secure control attention and validation
on their terms if that means distorting
reality then so be it if it means
gaslighting you into questioning your
own perceptions they'll do it without
hesitation if it means undermining your
confidence so that you become more
appliable more easily manipulated then
that's exactly what they'll pursue and
they won't feel guilty about it that's
what makes them dangerous now some
people make the mistake of thinking that
if they just show enough kindness if
they're patient enough if they explain
things clearly enough The Narcissist
will eventually come around but that's
an illusion a narcissist does not learn
through reason discussion or moral
appeals they learn through consequences
and if you refuse to recognize this
fundamental truth you are setting
yourself up for Endless frustration
self-doubt and emotional exhaust
exhaustion so what does recognizing
their tactics actually look like in
practice first it means paying attention
to patterns rather than words
narcissists are experts at saying
exactly what you want to hear they'll
promise change they'll feain remorse
they'll even play the victim to keep you
entangled in their web but the real
question is what do their actions
consistently demonstrate if there is a
pattern of deception manipulation or
disrespect then that is the truth of the
situation regardless of what they say
second you must understand that
narcissists deploy specific
psychological tactics to maintain their
dominance one of the most Insidious is
gaslighting making you doubt your own
reality they'll deny things they've said
even when you have evidence they'll
rewrite history subtly Shifting The
Narrative until you find yourself
apologizing for something you didn't
even do the more you engage in these
arguments the more control they gain
because the very Act of Defending
yourself places you in a subordinate
position you are reacting to them which
means they are dictating the terms of
the
conversation another common tactic is
intermittent reinforcement alternating
between affection and cruelty in
unpredictable Cycles this is powerful
because it mirrors the psychological
mechanism behind addiction if someone is
consistently cruel you will eventually
detach but if they occasionally throw in
moments of kindness your mind starts
chasing the reward hoping that if you
just do the right thing you'll get more
of the good and less of the bad this
creates a toxic dependency where you
stay in the relationship not because
it's fulfilling but because you're
trying to get back to those fleeting
moments of warmth that were in reality
just another tool of manipulation and
then there's projection The Narcissist
will accuse you of the very things they
are guilty of if they're dishonest
they'll call you a liar if they're
emotionally unstable they'll claim
you're the one being irrational this
serves two purposes first it deflects
attention away from their own behavior
and second it keeps you so busy
defending yourself that you don't have
time to recognize what's really
happening recognizing these tactics is
not about becoming cynical or paranoid
it's about Clarity it's about stripping
away the Illusions and seeing things for
what they are because once you see the
game you stop playing it and when you
stop playing The Narcissist loses their
power over you so if you want to stop
being controlled stop being manipulated
stop being drained Step One is simple
see the narcissists for who they truly
are not who you wish they were because
reality as brutal as it sometimes is
will always serve you better than a
comforting lie one of the most
self-destructive traps you can fall into
when dealing with a narcissist is
seeking their approval and I don't just
mean overtly trying to impress them I
mean the subtle almost unconscious ways
in which you modify your behavior to
avoid their criticism to gain a shred of
their acknowledgement or to finally just
once be treated with the respect you
deserve it's an easy trap to fall into
because as human beings we're wired for
social reciprocity when we invest in a
relationship whether it's personal
professional or familial we expect at
some fundamental level that our efforts
will be recognized that if we just
explain ourselves properly if we just
demonstrate our loyalty our good
intentions our patience then surely at
some point the narcissists will
acknowledge it and change accordingly
but that moment never
comes that's because narcissists don't
operate within the framework of
reciprocity they see your efforts not as
a reason to respect you but as
confirmation that they control you every
time you contort yourself to avoid their
disapproval you reinforce their
dominance every time you wait for their
validation you grant them power over
your selfworth and if you think that
there's some magic combination of words
or actions that will find make them see
you for who you really are you are
wasting your time because for them the
goal posts are always moving the moment
you think you've done enough they'll
find a new standard to hold you to one
they never intend for you to meet it's
not about you that's the core
realization their inability to respect
you is not a reflection of your worth
but a consequence of their pathology The
Narcissist sense of self is fragile
built on an illusion of superiority that
must be constantly upheld they cannot
canot allow themselves to be wrong
because to do so would shatter that
illusion they cannot allow others to be
truly seen or appreciated because that
would mean relinquishing control and so
they move through life extracting
manipulating diminishing because it's
the only way they know how to maintain
their inflated self emission once you
understand this the correct response
becomes clear you must detach
emotionally psychologically and where
possible physically and that begins with
one critical step you must stop looking
to them for approval in any form that
doesn't mean being rude it doesn't mean
retaliating with cruelty it simply means
removing
yourself from the psychological game
they are trying to trap you in so how
does this actually play out in the real
world it means no longer justifying
yourself to them a narcissist thrives on
argument because argument implies that
their opinion matters the moment you
start defending yourself you've already
lost because now the conversation is
being framed around their perception of
you rather than your own intrinsic
reality stop explaining yourself to
someone who is only looking for
ammunition if they distort your words
let them if they misrepresent your
intentions so be it their perception of
you is not your responsibility to fix it
also means letting go of the need for
closure this is one of the hardest
lessons to learn we all want resolution
we all want that final moment where the
narcissist acknowledges their wrongdoing
where they apologize where they finally
give us that sense of justice we've been
waiting for but that moment isn't coming
and the more you chase it the longer you
remain ens snared in their web the only
closure you will ever get is the one you
give yourself the decision to walk away
to stop engaging to accept that their
recognition is not required for your
self-worth to remain intact and perhaps
most importantly it means redefining
your own source of validation if you've
spent years maybe decades adjusting your
self permission to fit the expectations
of someone who is never capable of
valuing you in the first place then it's
time to take that power back your worth
is not something that exists at the
mercy of another person's recognition it
is something you must claim for yourself
and the moment you do the narcissist
loses the very thing that made them
powerful over you in the first place
because in the end the most radical Act
of defiance against a narcissist is
simple stop needing them to see you see
yourself instead one of the most
dangerous mistakes you can make when
dealing with a narcissist is assuming
that playing by the rules will protect
you that if you're fair if you're
reasonable if you keep giving them the
benefit of the doubt they'll eventually
reciprocate but this assumption rests on
a flawed premise that the narcissist
values fairness that they are respond to
reason that they are even playing the
same game you are are they're not a
narcissist operates within a completely
different psychological framework you
see most people when they enter into a
conflict whether it's a disagreement
with a friend a tense conversation with
a partner or even a workplace dispute
are operating under the assumption that
there's some shared objective reality
that if both people lay out their
perspectives honestly the truth will
eventually emerge and some form of
resolution can be reached but a
narcissist has no interest in resolution
their interest is in
dominance and that's where you have to
stop making the mistake of believing
that being the bigger person being
endlessly patient endlessly
understanding will lead to a
breakthrough it won't because to a
narcissist your willingness to engage
your willingness to keep explaining to
keep justifying yourself to keep hoping
for a rational response is not seen as
strength it's seen as weakness it's an
opportunity it tells them that they
still have control over your mind your
emotions your actions it tells them that
you are still playing their game even if
you don't realize it so what do you do
instead you stop reacting the way they
want you to you stop giving them the
emotional fuel they thrive on because
here's something important to
understand narcissists are not self
sustaining they they don't generate
their own sense of stability their own
sense of identity their own sense of
worth they extract it from others that's
why they provoke why they manipulate why
they create conflict where none should
exist it's all an attempt to keep you
engaged because engagement equals power
if you want to disarm a narcissist you
must remove that power and that begins
with mastering something that is both
incredibly simple and Incredibly
difficult emotional Detachment now I
don't mean suppressing your emotions
entirely That's not healthy and it's not
sustainable what I mean is developing
the ability to remain unaffected by
their
provocations to recognize that their
attempts to guilt you to bait you to
drag you into another cycle of argument
and justification are nothing more than
a strategy to keep you under their
influence this is where the concept of
gray rocking comes in it's a
psychological technique that involves
making yourself as uninteresting as
unemotional and as disengaged as
possible when dealing with a narcissist
they thrive on reactions whether it's
anger frustration sadness or even
affection because reactions mean they're
still in control but if you refuse to
engage if you stop giving them the
dramatic emotional response they crave
they lose their leverage they get bored
they move on but let's be clear this
isn't easy it's not easy to sit in the
presence of someone who is deliberately
trying to provoke you and refuse to take
the bait it's not easy to hear
outrageous accusations and choose not to
defend yourself it's not easy to watch
them rewrite history and smear your name
and simply say believe what you want but
it is necessary because every time you
engage every time you fight back every
time you try to prove yourself to
someone who has no interest in truth you
are feeding the very Dynamic that is
draining you this is a form of
psychological self-discipline it's the
ability to say I do not need this
person's validation I do not need to
correct their false narrative I do not
need to win their approval or prove my
worth in their eyes and when you reach
that level of Detachment you become
Untouchable because a narcissist cannot
control what they cannot provoke in the
end the most powerful response to a
narcissist is not anger it's not even
confrontation it's indifference when
they realize they no longer have the
ability to pull you into their chaos
they lose interest and that is when you
finally regain your freedom one of the
greatest traps you can fall into when
dealing with a narcissist is engaging in
the endless cycle of conflict they
create you might think that if you can
just make them understand your
perspective if you can finally prove
your point if you can get them to
acknowledge their behavior then
everything will
change but that's an illusion a
narcissist doesn't argue to resolve
anything they argue to dominate their
goal is not to find the truth not to
come to a mutual understanding not even
to prove their right in any coherent way
their goal is to keep you entangled to
keep you emotionally invested to keep
you reacting because as long as you're
reacting you're still in the game
and as long as you're in the game they
still have power over you think about
how this plays out you bring up an issue
something they did that was
disrespectful dishonest or hurtful a
normal person even if they don't agree
would at least attempt to understand
your perspective they'd engage in good
faith but what does the narcissist do
they deflect they shift the blame they
bring up something completely unrelated
that you did six months ago they twist
your words they accuse you of being the
problem and before you know it you're no
longer discussing the issue at hand
you're defending yourself and that's
where they win cuz the moment you start
defending yourself the conversation is
no longer about their behavior it's
about proving your innocence they've
successfully turned the tables now
you're on trial now you're expending all
of your mental and emotional energy
justifying
yourself while they sit back and watch
you exhaust yourself in a battle that
was never meant to be fair in the first
place so how do you stop this how do you
remove yourself from this psychological
warfare you learn to disengage you stop
justifying yourself you stop explaining
you stop trying to win a debate that was
never designed to be winnable now that
doesn't mean you let them walk all over
you it doesn't mean you tolerate abuse
or stay silent in the face of Injustice
it means you refuse to participate in a
rigged game it means you set boundaries
that are not up for negotiation a
narcissist thrives on on emotional chaos
and they will do everything in their
power to keep you off balance if you say
I won't tolerate being spoken to that
way they'll push harder to see if you
really mean it if you say I won't engage
in this kind of argument they'll try to
provoke you until you break your own
rule because if they can get you to
react they win they've proven that your
boundaries are just words so your job is
to make sure they aren't your job is to
follow through if you say you're leaving
the conversation leave if you say you
w't tolerate disrespect don't if you say
you won't explain yourself stop
explaining because the moment a
narcissist realizes that their usual
tactics no longer work on you they start
to lose interest you are no longer the
easy target they once thought you were
but here's the hard part standing firm
in your boundaries means tolerating
discomfort it means resisting the urge
to correct them when they lie about you
it means resisting the urge to defend
yourself when they twist The Narrative
it means accepting that they will never
see the truth truth because they don't
want to and that's okay your peace your
dignity your self-respect these things
do not depend on their recognition they
depend on your ability to walk away from
pointless battles to refuse to be baited
to prioritize your own well-being over
the illusion of winning an argument
because in the end the real Victory
isn't proving a narcissist
wrong is proving to yourself that you no
longer need their validation at all
there's a hard truth you have to come to
terms with when dealing with a
narcissist they will never respect your
boundaries unless you enforce them and
enforcement doesn't mean explaining your
boundaries over and over hoping they'll
finally understand it doesn't mean
making threats you don't follow through
on it doesn't mean hoping they'll
suddenly develop self-awareness and
start treating you with the respect you
deserve it means action it means
consequences you see a narcissist
doesn't recognize boundaries in the way
a healthy person does a healthy person
when this behavior is unacceptable and I
won't tolerate it will at least pause
and reflect they may not always agree
but they'll respect that you have a
right to draw the line somewhere a
narcissist on the other hand sees your
boundaries as a challenge an obstacle to
overcome a test of how much they can get
away with and they will keep pushing
until they find the breaking point this
is why half measures don't work if you
set a boundary but don't enforce it all
you've really done is teach the
narcissist that your words mean nothing
that if they push hard enough if they
apply enough pressure if they create
enough guilt you'll cave and once they
know that once they see that your limits
are negotiable they'll exploit that
knowledge relentlessly so what does real
enforcement look like it means being
willing to walk away from conversations
that cross the line it means removing
yourself from toxic situations even if
it causes temporary discomfort it means
understanding that you don't have to
argue negotiate or explain yourself
endlessly you simply have to act and
here's where people struggle because
action is difficult it's uncomfortable
there's a cost to it setting an
enforcing boundaries means accepting
that the narcissist will react badly and
they will they will accuse you of being
selfish of being cruel of being
unreasonable they will play the victim
they will lash out because they have no
interest in respecting your boundaries
their only interest is in making sure
you feel guilty enough to drop them and
this is where you have to be strong
enough to tolerate the discomfort of
doing what's necessary you have to
accept that when you start enforcing
boundaries The Narcissist will escalate
if they used to manipulate you subtly
they might start attacking you outright
if they used to guilt trip you they
might start playing the victim more
dramatically if they used to rely on
charm they might switch to outright
hostility this is called an Extinction
burst a last ditch effort to regain
control when they realize their usual
tactics aren't working and this is the
moment where most people fail because
it's in this moment that the pressure
feels unbearable the accusations the
guilt the manipulation it all
intensifies and if you're not prepared
for it you'll give in you know think
maybe I'm being too harsh maybe I should
just explain myself one more time and
the moment you do the narcissist knows
they still have control over you they'll
pull back act as if everything's fine
for a little while and then slowly but
surely start pushing again the only way
to break this cycle is to stop giving
them a reason to believe they can change
your mind to make it clear through
action not words that your boundaries
are real that they are not up for
negotiation and that violating them has
consequences that might mean cutting
contact it might mean disengaging
emotionally it might mean refusing to
respond to provocations whatever the
situation calls for the key is
consistency because in the end
boundaries are not about controlling The
Narcissist Behavior you will never
control them they will always do what's
serves their ego their control their
power boundaries are about controlling
your own behavior about deciding what
you will and will not tolerate about
choosing to remove yourself from
situations that drain you about
prioritizing your own well-being over
the illusion that you can change them
and when you finally do that when you
finally enforce boundaries with
unwavering resolve something remarkable
happens The Narcissist loses their RP on
you their power Fades you begin to
reclaim something they were never meant
to have in the first place your autonomy
your dignity your peace and that is a
battle worth winning one of the most
difficult realizations you'll have when
dealing with a narcissist is
understanding that they will never give
you
closure that apology you're waiting for
that moment where they finally
acknowledge the pain they caused you
it's not coming and the longer you wait
for it the longer you stay trapped in
their psychological web because here's
the thing narcissists don't reflect on
their actions the way healthy people do
they don't lie awake at night wrestling
with guilt wondering how they can make
things right they don't replay the past
and think maybe I went too far that's
not how their mind
works their concern is not the truth
their concern is maintaining control and
if that means rewriting history if that
means making you the villain if that
means distorting reality so thoroughly
that even you begin to doubt yourself
then that is exactly what they will do
and if you're not careful you will spend
years maybe even decades trying to
extract something from them that they
are fundamentally incapable of giving
you will hold out hope that if you just
say the right thing if you just prove
your point convincingly enough they'll
finally see they won't not because the
truth isn't clear but because admitting
it would mean relinquishing the power
they have over you so you have a choice
you can keep chasing an apology that
will never come
you can keep replaying conversations in
your head imagining different outcomes
trying to make sense of something that
was never meant to make
sense why or you can decide that your
healing is not dependent on them you can
decide that closure is something you
give to yourself and that's not easy
because we are wired to seek resolution
our minds crave order narrative
coherence when someone wrongs us when
they betray our trust when they inflict
wounds that linger we want
acknowledgement we want Justice we want
the story to have a clean ending but
life is messy and when you're dealing
with a narcissist the ending you want
the resolution where they finally take
accountability is an illusion so what do
you do instead you reclaim your own
narrative you stop waiting for them to
set you free and you set yourself free
that means accepting that some people
will never understand what they did to
you and choosing to move forward anyway
that means letting go of the idea that
their validation is necessary for your
healing it's not it never was and that's
where true power lies because as long as
you're waiting for them to acknowledge
the truth they still have control over
you as long as you're hoping for a
Moment of clarity from them they still
dictate your emotional state but the
moment you stop seeking their validation
the moment you decide that their opinion
their version of events their refusal to
acknowledge reality is irrelevant that
is the moment you win that is the moment
they lose their hold on you and here is
the Paradox the less you need closure
from them the more power you have over
your own life the moment you stop
explaining stop defending stop waiting
you become Untouchable because a
narcissist's greatest weapon is their
ability to manipulate your need for
resolution take that away and they have
nothing healing from a narcissist isn't
about getting them to see what they've
done it's about seeing it clearly
yourself it's about recognizing that
their lack of accountability is not a
reflection of your worth but of their
own Brokenness is about understanding
that closure doesn't come from them it
comes from you finally deciding that you
don't need their permission to move on
and when you do that when you truly let
go something remarkable happens the
weight they placed on you begins to
lift the anger the confusion the
self-doubt it starts to fade not because
what they did was okay but because
you've chosen to no longer let it Define
you in the end the greatest revenge
against a narcissist isn't proving them
wrong it isn't making them apologize it
isn't even exposing them it's thriving
without them it's living a life so full
so independent so Unshackled from their
influence that they become nothing more
than a distant
memory a lesson learned a chapter
closed and that that is real closure