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The Confidence Experts: 7 Proven Ways To Build Confidence & Self-Worth
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The number one health and wellness
podcast, J Shetty. J Shetty, the one,
the only J Shetty.
Welcome back to OnPurpose. Today we're
talking about something that impacts
every decision we make. Our confidence
and selfworth. We all struggle with it
at some point, questioning if we're good
enough, smart enough, or capable enough.
Maybe it started in childhood, or maybe
over time, life's challenges have made
us second guessess ourselves. But here's
the truth. Confidence isn't something
you're just born with. It's something
you build. And self-worth isn't just
about your accomplishments or success.
It's about how you see yourself at your
core. In this episode, I've gathered
insights from some of the best minds to
help you quiet self-doubt, recognize
your true value, and step into the
confidence that's already in you.
Because when you truly believe in
yourself, everything changes. So often
when we're searching for confidence and
self-worth, it's easy to feel pressured
to try every new trend or practice, as
if there's a perfect formula for feeling
secure in ourselves. But real confidence
isn't about following the crowd. It's
about tuning out the noise and figuring
out what truly works for you. Kendall
Jenner knows that pressure all too well.
Having spent most of her life in the
public eye, she's had to learn how to
protect her peace, set boundaries, and
find joy in the simple things. In this
conversation, she opens up about her
journey to staying grounded and true to
herself. Let's get into it. had had a
lot of people coming to me telling me
about meditation and how it changed
their life and therapy and so many
different things and I was a bit
overwhelmed cuz I was like oh my god
what if this is going to suit me I think
it's a very personal experience I think
everybody has a very different version
of all of that stuff and so it was a
little overwhelming so I think I really
just took the time to be off for a
second it was even the little things it
was like being able to go to my friend's
birthday party which I wouldn't have
been able to go to before cuz I was
working a lot. I I love hearing that
because I think it is those simple
things like you know giving yourself
that space whatever it is that you
needed to do. Yeah. When you needed it
and and like you said sometimes it's
like that's when all the subscribe
buttons come up in front of you and it's
like try this and try this and it's like
well no no let me just take my time. It
was also, now that I think about it, 23,
I'm 26. I've had my horse for so around
that time is when I bought the horse
that I have now, who is my like I I jump
her and I like have I have two other
horses, but they're like retired, so I
don't really ride them the same way I
ride her. So, yeah. I guess it was
around that time, too, that I was like,
I'm going to do this cuz I love this and
like I want to get back into it, and
this is what I've loved my whole life.
So, so it was around that time that I
feel like all of that started happening
and I bought my horse and I like started
taking more time for things that made me
really happy. Yeah. What what I what I'm
noticing in you and observing or at
least from just these No, in a good way.
In a good way. It's all I was just
saying it's like it feels like no matter
what's happening in your orbit, there's
this pillar of belief that it's
important to be happy. Yeah. Like it,
you know, that's like this core center
belief in your life where it's like it's
important to be happy. It's important to
be happy. It's that has to be the goal
for sure. And you know, it's not always
easy. We live in such an interesting
industry and in such an interesting time
with social media that it can be very
hard. Sometimes you can fall victim to
so many things that don't serve you and
that don't make you happy. If your
happiness depends on the actions of
others, you know, you're at mercy of
things that you can't control. And
that's never where I want to be. So, I I
always want to live in like me and my
therapist talk about like my higher
goddess, my higher self. Like, I always
want to live there knowing that, you
know, when I'm there, you can't take
that away from me. That that's mine. And
no matter what, you can disagree with
me, you can agree with me. that's not
going my I'm not changing. I'm not
shifting. I'm here. I'm in my higher
goddess. So, I kind of I always live by like
like
keep holding my happiness and not
letting anyone else affect it. And
though I fall victim to it at times, as
we all probably do. Absolutely. I um I
strive every day to live in that place.
So, what what are some of the qualities
of your higher goddess? So, that that
kind of avatar like she's awesome. Like
I said, I don't love a pity party. I
also like, you know, sometimes it feels
weird to like say good things about
yourself. But I've also learned a lot
about talking to myself and a lot about
looking in the mirror and being like,
"You're great, you're gorgeous, you're
amazing, you're loyal, you're positive,
you're so many like I love words of
affirmation. I love just sitting there
and reassuring myself of who I am
because that's another thing for me. You
know, there's so many false narratives
about me, about all of us, I'm sure.
Like, so many people think they have you
figured out when they don't even know
the half of it. So, sitting there and
being like, you know, you get frustrated
sometimes. It could feel really unfair.
You could be reading something that
someone is saying about you or hearing
something that someone's saying about
you and being like, that is so unfair
cuz that's not who I am. And that really
gets to me sometimes and that really
sucks. But then looking at myself in the
mirror and being like, "But I know who I
am and that's all. Why does anything
else matter and my friends know who I am
and my family knows who I am, my dog
knows who I am, my horse knows who I am.
Like why does any of everything else is
just noise?" I I do this exercise. is I
don't think I've shared this before, but
I do this exercise with some of my
clients where we'll go on a walk and
we'll be on a hike wherever we are and
I'll ask them what they think a piece
of, you know, maybe there's a little
leaf or maybe there's some a flower or
something that looks a little unique on
the path and I'll say, "What do you
think that feels like?" And what do you
think it would feel like if you picked
it up in your hand? Mhm. and they'll be
like, "Oh, it looks really rough and
like it might scratch me and like it
looks like a bit, you know, like uneven
or whatever and it looks kind of hard
and strong." And then I'll ask them to
pick it up and nine times out of 10 it's
completely different. Like they'll pick
it up and it'll just dissolve in their
hands or they'll turn it over and the
color's really soft and sorry the shape
the shape's really soft and the color is
totally different on the other side. And
I do that exercise to help us realize
just how multifaceted humans are. Like
today I've got to meet you and and
obviously we're spending a lot of deep
intimate vulnerable time together. So
you learn faster about someone. But if
someone only follows someone on social
media or only sees someone at an event
or only sees one interview, it's so easy
to create such a singular view of
someone. And I think and I want to say
this because I really think we all feel
it. I don't think anyone wants to be
seen in a singular way. M if you had to
choose one word that had to be you for
the rest of your life. I don't think
anyone wants that. I think we all know
that we're messy and complex and
different but we like to put someone
else in a box whoever that may be
because it's easier then to live life
and say okay well that's persons a b
right you know so there's this beautiful
piece of wisdom that I always share from
Charles Horton Culie and he wrote this
in 1890 I think it was which just shows
how true this has been for such a long
time and obviously long before that as
well and he said The challenge today is
I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what
you think I am. I am what I think you
think I am. And we'll let that blow
everyone's mind. It gives me chills
every time I say it. Charles Horton
Culie said the challenge today is I'm
not what I think I am. I'm not what you
think I am. I am what I think you think
I am. And what he's trying to say is
that we live in a perception of a
perception of ourselves. So if I think
you think I'm smart, then I allow myself
to feel smart, right? It's like we need
that validation. We need that
validation. Or if I think you think I'm
not smart, then I feel hurt. And and the
challenge is I don't know what you're
thinking at all or especially outside in
the world. And so I find that what
you're saying around like, well, what do
I think about myself? Like how do I feel
about myself? How do the people that
actually know me feel about me? I think
that's really empowering. There are
times in life when we feel disconnected
from ourselves, as if we've lost our
sense of who we are. It can happen after
a big life change, the grind of a
demanding job, or even just getting
stuck in the routine of everyday life.
For Vanessa Hudins, that moment came
after filming a series of emotionally
intense movies. She found herself
questioning her identity and searching
for a way to reconnect. Instead of
staying in that uncertainty, she took a
leap. One that felt scary, but
ultimately led her back to herself.
Let's dive into how stepping outside her
comfort zone helped her rediscover her
confidence and selfworth. I feel like my
first solo trip was when I was like, it
was right after I did a stint of like
really heavy, emotionally demanding
movies. Um, I think Give Me Shelter was
the last one of that. Um, and I came
home and I like genuinely did not know
who Vanessa was. I had like gotten so
off on becoming this other person and
like genuinely changed my mindset, the
way that I looked. I put on like 20 lbs,
cut off all my hair. like all the things
that made me me were not there anymore.
And I was like, I need to do something
because I'm like scared cuz I don't know
who I am. And I was like, okay, we're
going to go on a yoga retreat. My my
publicist at the time was like, I
there's this retreat they're doing at
the Four Seasons. Um it was like a
practice and I was like, okay, I'm just
going to like go on my own because that
scares me. And I was very much in that
place of like do the things that scare
you because you will evolve like you're
forced to. Um and I was like you know
like a yoga retreat in Hawaii like that
gives me an excuse to be in Hawaii. Um
but also like have something to do and
like know that I'll be around people
because like filming as well as an adult
like when I hit 18 I would go off to
film things all the time and I would be
on my own. And so like if I wanted to go
to dinner, like a lot of times I would
just go by myself and like bring a book
and like I definitely would have those
moments where I'm like looking around
like kind of trying to like lock eyes
and engage with anyone. Um preferably
would sit at the bar so I could like
talk to the bartender cuz like I love I
love people. Like I love I love just
like talking to people. Yeah. But you
start using a different part of your
brain when you do that. like you start
using a different part of your energy
where it's like, "Oh, I'm going to see
if I can make something out of nothing."
That's a mindset that you lose as we get
older because most of your life is
surrounded by the same people, same work
people, same life people. And so like
when you're like, "Oh, I'm trying to
talk to the bartender. I'm trying to
lock even the idea of locking eyes with
someone random." It like overcomes fear.
Yeah. But it's like my favorite thing. I
literally will like be driving and like
will like turn and just like look at
people if I'm stopped at a red light and
like try to like dance with people. The
other day this guy was like listening to
a song. We had our windows down. He had
his windows down and me and my
girlfriend were just like body rolling
like just lock and I was trying to make
this person laugh. Like it's I I love
that. But the trip the yoga retreat in
Hawaii ended up just being like so
freeing because I was just like okay
like I'm here on my own. and like I'm
just going to like talk to people that I
connect with and like go from there and
like genuinely forced me to stay as
present as possible because I was
engaging with people I know nothing
about. I feel like that's the thing I
love about talking to people that you
don't know. Like you're forced to be
present because it's like if you're
actually trying to engage, which not
everybody does,
you know, but then those are the people
you don't need to engage with. Um, but
when you find people who you can like
it's you say you're so present because
you're actually listening. Yeah.
Confidence is something we all struggle
with at some point. But where does
confidence come from? How do we build it
in a way that feels genuine and lasting?
Claudia Ashri, comedian, podcast host,
and social media personality gets candid
about her journey with self-image and
how love played a role in shaping her
confidence. I really want you to hear
her story. Like what would you say to
someone who maybe doesn't have doesn't
want to go on as MP because they're
scared or whatever it may be, but like
what would you say with them? So I feel
like people don't like my answer because
when I was like struggling with my
self-image. I feel like I'm going to cry
now. Sorry.
Um, so much of my confidence, I would
say like all of it came from the fact
that I had a husband or a boyfriend at
the time, fianceé, who loved me so much
and he thought I was like the greatest
thing. And so if he thought it and look
at him, like I just I love him so much
and so he thinks I'm so great. Like
that's not that you should get your
confidence from a man, whatever. But
like I did just to be loved so um
unequivocally by somebody who I think is
so great. Um that gave me a lot of
confidence. like he thought I was the
best. He thought I was the smartest. He
thought I was the prettiest. So like I
was cuz his opinion is the only one that
matters. But also like I look at him and
I think of him as like so charming,
attractive. Like who wouldn't want to
marry him? And he likes me. Like oh my
god I must be like the greatest thing
ever. And and I really feel like so much
of my confidence. And it's so funny cuz
he says that he gets confidence from me
which I feel like really happy that it's
a two-way street. But having a
relationship that I felt really solid
about, but also with somebody who just
loved me so much really um it just made
me believe like what he was saying. Do
you know what I mean? Mhm. What's
interesting to me is just so much of how
whether it's body shaming we do to
ourselves or that society does to us,
how so much of it is built up around
aesthetics and visuals and how health
and vitality are actually not based on
simply visuals. No, but I will say
visually at the like if you were to just
compare me visually now and me visually
then like I was very unhealthy. Like I
had a lot of random medical issues that
like a 25-year-old girl shouldn't be
having. So I agree with you that like a
lot of times we judge people's health
based on their weight and that's not the
case for everyone. But to be clear, like
it was the case for me. Like I was not
healthy. I did not walk to work. Like I
was really like living a very inactive,
unhealthy lifestyle. That's not the case
for everyone you see who's overweight,
but that was 1,000 the% the case for me.
Yeah. And now what's the new schedule? A
[ __ ] Well, now I'm pregnant, so like
it's kind of reverted back, but so not
pregnancy-wise, I just really like lead
my day with little pockets of activity.
I think that like me going to meetings,
going to work, like I'm always being
like, "Okay, I'll walk." Um, I worked
out like before I got pregnant, I worked
out like, you know, three to five times
a week. Um, I would spend my weekends
like doing things that I enjoy whilst
being active, like going for walks in
the park with Ben, just like making sure
that I wasn't rotting in bed as much as
I can. I'm capable of cuz I'm capable of
a great deal of rotting. Um, and then
with meals, that's really where I
probably struggled the most. But just
just trying to be a little bit more
well-rounded. I feel like I eat like a
six-year-old, and so I do like I eat
rice and chicken fingers. And so just
changing sometimes to like brown rice
and grilled chicken, you know, thinking
a little bit more. But it's hard cuz I'm
such a picky eater that, you know, I'm
not going to be making bronzino on the
weekends with like an a top-not, you
know, that's never going to happen. I
don't even know what topod is.
And then I mean, as I'm hearing you
speak, I'm just like, is there a a lot
of people talk about this right now,
like this idea of when you become
pregnant, is there like a loss of the
life you had? Oh my god. 100%. Like is
there a feeling of like wait a minute
just a few moments ago a few months ago
I was I would say I don't feel I I
really I mean I've been married for uh
hundred years and we decided to wait to
have kids and I think that because we
made that choice I am now not spending
my pregnancy and you know hopefully the
next year or two mourning a life I feel
like I lived life to the fullest and I
really really waited till I was ready.
So, the only thing I feel like I'm
mourning is my body. Like that. Nobody
talks enough about like what it's like
to lose significant weight and then get
pregnant. I don't know how I feel about
it. I don't have like fully fleshed
thought outs. I'm like struggling every
single day. But no, I don't I don't feel
sad about like a life left behind. I
feel like I lived every minute of my 20s
like on the edge of cliffs, going on
trips, partying, like doing everything I
wanted to do. And when I turned 30 over
the summer, I was like, you know what? I
I'm done. Like I really feel and that's
what I'm so happy about because yeah I
like see my friends with kids and I'm
like oh I do wish I had like you know
joined them but I feel so fulfilled in
that one chapter of my life that I'm
really ready to start the next chapter.
We often think about self-care as
something external our skincare routine
our diet or exercise but what about
caring for our soul? How do we create
rituals that nurture not just our body
but our peace of mind and selfworth? to
share her journey. Alicia Keys,
Grammyinning artist, entrepreneur, and
advocate for soul care. Alicia opens up
about her struggles with anxiety, how
stress affected her skin, and how she
turned her personal healing process into
a philosophy that helps others. Listen
to this. I think often those of us who
live spiritual lives, we can be quite
negligent of our casing and of this
body. And you can you can kind of
disconnect from it. Disconnect from it.
Yeah. Disconnect from it. Right. Right.
And so I wanted to ask you, how is your
relationship changed with your skin?
That was something that brought you
anxiety. Oh my gosh. Being more
confident in your skin. I mean it I it was
was
forever. It was literally forever
um that I really struggled with my with
my skin. and and you know, you're a
teenager and your hormones and you get
it and it's cool. And then all of a
sudden I was like 18 and then I was 23
and then I was 28 and then I was 30 and
then I was like 35 and I'm like whoa
when does this thing stop? Like when I
thought like 16, 18, 21 maybe. Why is it
continuing? And it was really hard to
especially to be in spaces where you
would present yourself and you would
feel just so self-conscious. I just felt
so self-conscious. And I'm like, but
there's a big bump right here. And then
most people are like, I don't even see
the damn bump, but I see the bump right
here and it's huge. And it feels really
uncomfortable. You know, you you just
feel uncomfortable. You want to know
why, too. You want to know what's the
matter? Is something wrong? Why? What am
I? I thought I'm what what can I do to
help this? And um and so that definitely
caused me a lot of anxiety. I I started
in the music world when I was uh 18. And
so that was right kind of at the
precipice. And then the the the stress
of the whole universe of music was just
so much. And I was trying my best to
play it cool and like I can handle it. I
can do it. But it was stressful. It was
a whole new world. I had to carry a a
new weight on my shoulders and and try
to, you know, kind of like be calm while
or cool while doing it. And it and it
was tricky and my skin I I learned that
my body reacts to stress. Our bodies
react to stress. My personal body
physically reacts to stress. Many of our
personal bodies do this which is
obviously why even many diseases come to
us from stress because physically it's a
physical manifestation of this feeling.
Um which is why it is so important for
us to figure out like what gives you
peace, what calms you down, what makes
you feel safe and like you're in your
skin and you're yourself and these type
of things. And so of course I didn't
know what that was for a long time. But
I realized that it was these
relationships I was attracting and it
was the you know the level of commitment
I was um agreeing to that left no space
for me to reflect or to sleep or to be
with my friends and you know do those
have those outlets that do give you a
sense of of calm and and so my skin was
so reactive that I said one day to
myself if I one day I'm going to make
something that fixes this
this I'm going to do something about
this because I know I'm not the only
one. And I realized as I began to you
know live and experience so many
different parts of my life, motherhood
and you know raising young kids and
finding time for yourself. I re and
getting rid of those toxic energies that
were attacking me in real life. I
realized that you really have to take
care of your soul like like you have to
take care of your soul. So this
philosophy of soul care really came from
all of these understandings and all of
these realizings that no one's going to
do it for me. Like no, as much as I
really really wish someone would stand
up and be like you, you're not good for
her. Get out of here. That thing you you
need to stop. No, I have to be the judge
of that and therefore I have to find my
way to the understanding of how do I
hear myself to know what is good and
what is not or what is real or what is
true. And so there were many things that
brought me to that place. Some of them
were meditations that brought me there
and really brought me to a more
intuitive space. Some of them were just
practicing the art of like no what do
you think? No, I know six friends said
this or I know that very strong energy
that always tells everybody what they
think said this, but what do you think?
And that became the practice of soul
care and and also these ideas of ancient
rituals and what are some special ways
that we can have peace and calm and I
was attracted to crystals and their
powers and their meanings. cuz I was
attracted to journaling. And I have a
very difficult time as a kid, I had a
difficult time expressing my truth. And
I realized that when I would journal or
do the stream of consciousness, I could
I could actually just release it. I
could let it go. And if I'm not good at
doing that to someone else cuz I didn't
trust as fully, um, I can do it with
myself, you know. you know, and so these
these practices of how do you kind of
like depend on yourself to find your own
grounding became my idea of what soul
care is, which eventually became how I
said I'm going to make that thing to fix
that thing became this key soul care and
and the idea was to me it's a
philosophy. It's a way of life. It's a
lifestyle to me, you know, um, you know,
the beauty industry or the skin care
industry, just like the music industry,
all of it is kind of creating how to
live within the chaos. And so, how do we
do it? Nobody teaches us normally. It's
a blessing if someone does, but normally
it's not. So finding these ways through
affirmations, through the idea of really
connecting to yourself and using the
affirmations are on every bottle because
the idea is you wash your face, you do
that every day with the golden cleanser.
You can also think about how I'm devoted
to this moment because so many times
we're over here, over there, back there,
over how can you just be right here with
yourself right now? And so the idea is
like creating this mixture of ancient
rituals and where skin meets soul and
soul care because we have air care, hair
care, nail care, body care, home care,
but we never had soul care. Why? So we
wanted to I wanted to start it. Yeah,
that's so beautiful. I mean I I couldn't
agree more. Whereas someone
who was very negligent of a lot of this
stuff like growing up and not really
thinking about it, I've seen the value
of I'm a big fan of affirmations, right?
I think even when it comes
to cleansing my face, what that means,
what that feels like, how different I
feel internally because of it, how it
can be a reminder to continue to cleanse
and detox the soul as well as that which
is around me. There's there's so much of
that connection from body, mind, spirit,
and soul that that I think we we lose
and we don't realize how interconnected
they all are. Confidence is something we
all strive for, but often
misunderstand. We think we need it
before taking action. But what if the
key is to act first, even when we don't
feel ready? What if confidence is
something we build as we go, not
something we wait for? To help us break
through the myths of confidence, we have
Lisa Billu, entrepreneur, best-selling
author, and co-founder of Impact Theory.
Lisa's journey from stay-at-home wife to
powerhouse businesswoman has given her a
unique perspective on what it really
takes to build confidence from within.
Let's hear what she has to say. So, I
think confidence is such a important and
powerful topic. I wanted to ask you
because I think there's so much material
and you do so many interviews around
confidence and what it means and what it
feels like. How do you define confidence
for you and what does it mean to you and
what is something that people can think
of because I think everyone has a
different view of the word confidence.
Yeah, I think most people actually have
the misinterpretation of what confidence
actually is because they usually and I
was culprit of this when I was a stay at
home wife for 8 years. I thought I
needed it to get started and I thought I
needed the confidence to live out my
dreams to actually go towards my goals
and I was waiting to have the confidence
and that I think is a complete
misconception is what actually is
holding so many of us back from trying
anything. And what I realized was in my
own journey I actually just needed to
take action. I needed to go into
something very insecure, not knowing
what I was doing, practicing,
practicing, practicing, you know, wax
on, wax off my favorite movie, Karate
Kid, and get so damn good that I build
the competence to then lead to
confidence. So, the truth is the
confidence is the byproduct of taking
action. And a lot of us don't think of
it like that. We think it's going to be
the magic bullet that's going to get us
to actually take that action at the
beginning. Um, and so that's where I
actually reshaped and how I rethought of
the word confidence. And then also for
me, confidence is like a muscle. If you
don't keep practicing it, you won't
actually get strong at it. And if you
stop practicing, you will get weaker.
And just like when you go to the gym,
you may practice like your biceps or
your legs. It's a different mechanism to
practice working your calves and
practicing your bicep. So that is what
confidence is. It's not like you get
confidence in one area and you're good
to go. Yeah. It's like you get
confidence maybe and being in front of
the camera, but being in front of the
camera, as you know, Jay, is very
different than being on stage. So, when
someone sees maybe you've got confidence
in one area, it doesn't mean that you
got confidence everywhere else. And I
think people, if it's you and you're
thinking about it, you may then think
that you're incompetent or you're no
good or like it's just, well, I don't
have the gene, so I may as well not get
started. But the truth is identify where
you can't want the confidence, get
started, build that competence, and then
eventually it will breed confidence.
Yeah, absolutely. I I couldn't agree
with you more. I remember once looking
at the definition of confidence in the
dictionary, and one of the definitions
is an appreciation of one's own
abilities, skills, and qualities.
I was like, I really like that
definition. Like, it's actually self-
validation. Like confidence is being
able to look at yourself and say, "I'm
good at this. I'm actually a kind
person. I'm a thoughtful person. I am a
good public speaker. I am a best-selling
author." Whatever it may be. And you're
almost validating a skill, quality, or
attribute you have by yourself. And I
think it's so interesting, and you're
right. I think we've viewed confidence
as how do other people feel about us?
So, we look at it as like, "Oh, that
person looks so confident cuz they're
like walking out their car. They got
that swag. They're like dripping in
great clothes or whatever it may be."
And we see that as confidence. But we
know that that person could be sitting
in there going, "Oh, I'm I'm not the
right size. I'm overweight, underweight,
I'm whatever else it may be, and
criticizing themselves." I was
wondering, what is something that took
you the longest in your life to build
confidence around?
Oo, I'm ever evolving. But I think it
really was to believe in myself that I'm
capable. And that all started from
because I was the stay at home wife for
8 years. And I want to just make sure
that I say this though, there's nothing
wrong with being a stay at home wife at
all. It's actually one of the hardest
jobs that was for me. But I didn't want
it. That actually wasn't my dream. It
was I felt like it was sucking the life
out of me. So, as that staying home
wife, I didn't make any change because I
didn't feel like I was capable of
anything because I was so insecure. That
voice in my head was so negative, Jay.
Telling me all the reasons why I was no
good to try anything. And so, in order
for me to build my confidence to move
forward, I was like, well, what if I am
bad? Who cares? You have to actually
practice. Why do I think that I can be
amazing at something, right? If someone
looks at you and they're like, oh my
god, he's such an amazing podcaster. How
long have you been doing it? years and
years and years and years. So when
someone looks at you and let's say
they're comparing their beginning to
your middle or your end, you will feel
incompetent. And so for me, I had to
stop looking outside of myself at all
the amazing people because I believed I
wasn't good enough to try. And so I had
to build the internal confidence to take
that action, to actually just try and
understand that it's going to be a
process. And without that, I never would
have got out of what I call purgatory of
the mundane, where my life is just
mundane enough. And so I'm just stuck
there day in and day out. And that idea
that even if you don't feel good enough,
you can still take action, I think, was
the biggest thing that was the hardest
for me because I didn't want to get
bullied. I was already bullied as a kid
for my looks from other women. So you
can imagine me trying anything that fear
of being bullied from other girls was so
petrifying that I didn't even want to
take a chance. And so realizing a I have
to build that within myself. And you
said the word validate actually earlier.
That word really sticks with me with me
because I think a lot of us wait for
validation, external validation. We wait
for someone to tell us that we're a good
Greek wife or an amazing husband or a
fantastic wife. And that can actually
hold us where we are because I was so
seeking validation from everybody else.
And at the time I was getting validation
from being that stay-at-home wife. And
so you can imagine I have low
self-esteem. I don't believe in myself.
I don't think I'm good enough. and
everyone's validating me for this one
thing even though I don't like that one
thing. That validation, that feeling
good about yourself is what kept me
there. So, I think the trick is is how
do you make sure that you validate
yourself? And that became the path for
me building my confidence every single
day. What am I going to do today to
validate myself? Not get validation from
my partner, from my boyfriend, from the
ex how many likes I got on Instagram.
No, no. How can I validate myself? And
that became my north star versus
everyone else making me feel good about
myself. Absolutely. Confidence isn't
something that just appears overnight.
It's built through experiences,
setbacks, and self-acceptance. For Megan
Trainer, that journey started with a
song she never thought anyone would
hear. What began as a fun personal
expression turned into an anthem that
resonated with millions. But even after
hitting number one, she found herself
still chasing validation instead of
trusting her own instincts. Let's hear
how she learned to let go of
expectations and embrace her true
confidence. Well, back then I was a
songwriter writing for other artists.
So, I was thinking like what's not on
the radio and what what could be on the
radio. But I when I wrote all about that
bass, it was like a joke. Like it was
like I was like no one's going to cut
this. We've wasted a day of work and
we'll just write a therapy song for us.
Like cuz the coowwriter was like a man
and it was the first time meeting him.
So it's kind of like a blind date and
you're like where'd you grow up? How and
we both were like we were chubby kids
and we had to learn how to love
ourselves. And I was like how funny
would it be that's like I ain't no size
two but I can't shake it shake it. And
I'm like, I'm not a confident dancer
that dances in front of everyone, but
imagine if I was. And I remember being
like, I'll sing the demo. Who cares? And
it was like a raw demo with no autotune
and nothing. But the lyrics hit so many
people that they're like, "This is going
to be huge. Who's singing it? We'll just
let her do it." So it was really from
like um a weird raw place. Like I wasn't
chasing radio. I wasn't and I fell into
that before when you were talking about
competition. I didn't know about charts
and all that stuff when they're like
you're number one. I was like fantastic.
Like what is that? Like number one
everywhere. They're like everywhere. I
was like well that was easy. So then
anytime I did another song I was like
it's not number one everywhere. What do
you mean? Like and then I was like well
maybe I'm not doing what's on the radio.
And then I caught myself chasing radio
and just falling on my face. So, with
this new album, Taking It Back, I was
like, I'm going to go back to when I did
Do Up and just didn't care about any
charts and anything. It just Do me.
Yeah. And you'll hear that come out. And
the first song they put out was a emo
toxic relationship song. I was like,
"Oh, okay." Coming out passionate. Yeah.
And so, it sounds like it's always been
a raw emotion that's that's gone out and
now you're taking it back and you're
going back to that and you're really
owning that. Like with this with this
new album, would you say that we're
hearing you through the healing process?
Are we hearing you healed? Are we
hearing you I think you're hearing
you're hearing a healed, mature mother
who um is just ruthlessly honest, you
know? Like one song, don't I make it
look easy, that I teased today on my
Instagram um is like talking about don't
I make this look easy? like everything's
perfect cuz everyone who interviews me
is like you are so fun and you have the
best family and best life and I'm like I
cry so much you just don't know it cuz I
don't film myself and post it you know
so I say in the first verse like I
posted a picture I read all the comments
I hearted the good ones and if I'm being
honest I probably spent an hour on it
and then I'm like and it's just like a
fun way of being ruthlessly honest
ruthlessly that's not a word but
brutally honest yeah true Confidence
doesn't just come from winning. It comes
from how you handle the losses. It's
about resilience, picking yourself back
up when things don't go your way, and
having the determination to keep pushing
forward. Kobe Bryant understood this
better than most. He wasn't always the
strongest or the fastest, but he built
confidence by prioritizing long-term
growth over immediate results. He knew
that self-worth isn't defined by where
you are today. It's about your
commitment to improvement. Let's hear
how he developed that mindset and and
you talk about that because you talk
about, you know, when you talk about
missing uh five throws and you talk
about uh getting over yourself. Yeah.
Right. Like getting over yourself. How
did you get that mentality of just being
like, I need to get over this, like I
need to get over myself, you know, trial
and error. You know, you grow up and you
make game-winning shots and it's
awesome. And you come back the next day
and miss a game-winning shot and it's
misery. And then the next day comes and
you're back playing again. And you
understand that life has this cyclical
nature where it's, you know, what you do
on Monday is fantastic, but then Tuesday
is a bad day, but guess what? There's
Wednesday. So, are we just supposed to
live our lives like this the whole time,
you know, versus just staying like this
and understanding that it's really just
a journey of evolution every day. It's
just constant improvement, constant
curiosity, constantly getting better.
The results don't really matter. Uh,
it's the figuring out that matters.
Yeah. And we all get obsessed about the
results. Like we get obsessed about like
the output, not the input of not
figuring it out and not like changing
things. What you said, trial and error,
like the experimenting. We forget to do
that. It's unfortunate, man. Like I've
seen a lot of players um especially now,
you know, in youth basketball dealing
with that. Um you have players that are
like bigger and faster and stronger and
you know, their coaches are just
coaching them for results. you know,
we're just going to use your size that
because you're bigger than every other
12-year-old out there to dominate today.
But they're not growing, right? So,
they're just based on that result, but
they're not focused on growing this
young child. Yeah. And becoming a better
athlete and through that teaching them
how to become a more well-rounded
person. And we're missing that. Yeah.
See, what you've said there just it I
want to ask you this and I'm not saying
because I, you know, like you know
yourself best and you know how you've
got there. So I'm asking it from a place
of humility of learning. When I look at
you, I'm like, you know, your superpower
isn't just your work ethic. Your
superpower isn't just like figuring
things out. Your superpowers is like you
think strategically. Like that's a very
strategic thought of saying this person
could be this in the future if they were
developed as a whole individual rather
than just like let's use them for the
short term, right? Where did you develop
that from that ability to see beyond, to
think deeper, to to reflect deeper?
Where did that come from? Well, I had to
do that because, you know, I grew up
growing up in Italy. Um, when I first
moved over there, it was, you know, I
didn't speak Italian. I didn't have any
friends. You know, I had the game of
basketball and through sport and playing
soccer, I was able to make friends and
build connections, but it was a lot of
time spent alone. And and when I came
back to the States, I wasn't the most
athletic kid. You know, I was really
scrawny, like really really skinny, and
had like major knee issues cuz I was
growing. So, I was the dorky kid with
high socks and big old knee pads. It's
fashionable now. It's fashionable now.
It wasn't then. It wasn't then. And And
so, um, I had to look longterm because
in the here and now, I couldn't compete
with these kids. I mean, there's kids
that were like 12 years old with beards.
Like, I can't What am I supposed to do
with that? Like, they're they're doing
windmills and dunking backwards and I'm
happy to like tap the backboard, you
know? So, I had to look at it from a
long term cuz I wasn't going to give up
on the game, right? So, I had to say,
"Okay, this year I'm going to get better
at that. Next year, this and then so
forth and so on." And then patiently I
was able to catch them. Yeah, that's I
love hearing that because I think so
many of us kind of you believe like when
when you see people like yourself, it's
like it's so easy as an excuse to
ourselves to just oh, you're destined
for it, right? You were made for it.
It's kind of like that kind, you know,
like oh yeah, it's you know, but but
when you talk about saying oh actually
when I started I didn't have the
physicality that meant that I was going
to make it. like you have to figure it
out. And I love it. Figure it out, man.
It's it's just piece by piece. And it's
the consistency of the work, which I
feel like a lot of parents are missing
today because we're not teaching that to
our kids. We tend to say like kids don't
want to do the work, but in reality,
it's when we're failing them because
we're not leading them the right way and
teaching them. Yeah. You know, how to
fish, you know what I mean? And so like
the consistency of work, Monday, get
better, Tuesday get better, Wednesday
get better, right? And you do that over
a period of time, you know, not like one
month or two months. I mean, it's three,
four, five, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years and
then you, you know, you can get to where
you want to go. Confidence isn't about
walking into a room and thinking you're
the best. It's about not feeling the
need to compare yourself to anyone. True
self-worth comes from knowing who you
are, not just what you accomplish. It's
built in the quiet moments, how you show
up for yourself, and the way you speak
to yourself when no one's around. I hope
this episode helped you realize that
confidence isn't about having all the
answers. It's about trusting yourself to
figure it out. If something resonated
with you, share it with someone who
needs to hear it. And I'll see you next
time on OnPurpose. If you love this
episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
with Selena Gomez on befriending your
inner critic and how to speak to
yourself with more compassion. My fears
are only going to continue to show me
what I'm capable of. The more that I
face my fears, the more that I feel I'm
gaining strength. I'm gaining wisdom and
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