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Atmospheric Tumult // SIDE HUSSELEN no. 14
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hello there welcome back to side
hustling last time on this series I told
you about my goals for 2020 so you know
assuming that we would have a 2020
perhaps naively thinking that we would
gonna have a 2020 I mean we certainly
didn't have in April was bright past I
mean we had quite the March but April
went look at he split apparently it's
May now which is very strange I hope all
of you are well but I thought today I
would tell you a little bit about how
I've been doing and how I'm feeling
about my 2020 goals here in May of 2020
let's get into it I want to begin by
talking about expectations and these
kind of thoughts were sort of spurred by
Hank Green's recent video called the
sudden obliteration of expectation so I
really appreciated that video from him
and I found it helpful and I want to
talk a little bit about some thoughts
surrounding that same sort of ideas
about why losing the life we were
imagining is a loss two losses come in
different sizes but they are all worthy
of being grieved we have all
collectively lost the 20/20 we were
planning on it wasn't even up to us it
changed and now we have to change to our
expectations for the year have to change
and our expectations for ourselves have
had to change as I said in my last video
in this series my main goal for 2020 for
the year was to send out query letters
to literary agents and sign with an
agent this year that was what I had
hoped would happen some part of me the
hopeful bit was thinking vaguely oh I'll
get an agent this year then maybe a deal
with a publisher soon ish after that and
if the channel keeps growing and I get a
book out I can maybe move out and start
my quote-unquote real life like next
year maybe even in like 2021 2021
coincidentally will be the year I turned
30 years old by the way that was the
story I wanted to tell myself the one I
had hazy lingering on my best days in
the background of my brain the narrative
I wanted to come true as far-fetched and
dreamy as it was because we all know
that the publishing process has never
run that smooth but in an ideal future
in my ideal vision of my own future
that's how it would have gone but that
can't happen in 2020 anymore I've been
waiting for the time and the right time
to send my my book baby off to preschool
but publishing is on fire the entire
place in chaos book tours cancelled
release dates pushed back indefinitely
agents distracted and the economy at
large in teetering disarray I love this
story too much to not give it the best
chance I can I'm not sending this book
baby out into a world on fire I have had
internal setbacks this is external
there's a lot to grieve in the world
right now big losses and little losses
and personal losses and this is mine
it's not as monumental as others have
but it's still scary for me some days I
think oh publishing bookstores they've
been through worse it'll all recover and
the dream that I had isn't gone it's
just paused the book end the you know
the end cap display at Barnes & Noble or
our local here in Colorado tattered
cover seeing the real hardcover with its
dust jacket placed on a little stand at
the bookshop that's still available it's
totally can happen of you know
publishing has been through Wars it's
all gonna be fine it'll all settle down
and recover and some days I think maybe
most bookstores aren't going to make it
through this and without bookstores you
can't have the dream of having an indie
camp at the bookstore really maybe the
industry will be incredibly cautious
after this too cautious for me and my
well queer story doesn't center around
queer issues but I don't know it's hard
to say what they're gonna be taking
risks on now when they've lost this much
money and this much time some days I
think it won't happen now that I missed
my only chance and some days I think if
I had gotten that agent last year if
I had gotten a deal last year I could be
one of those people who are now being
told that their book will not come out
when they thought it would that their
tour is canceled and that they don't
know that the dream that they were
suddenly guaranteed that they were so
close to if it will ever happen and
timing I don't really believe in faith
but timing could just be everything and
maybe I didn't miss my chance but I
missed a you know dodged a bullet it's
just hard to know and impossible to know
really and some days I think I have so
many chances of another kind for a
different version of my dream of my
future and in this time of stalled
reflection and nervousness and
uncertainty on such a global scale I
have begun to question my own dreams
what they look like what I actually want
when I imagine that you know publication
day that I want so very much or have
told myself that I want to very much
that that I've put into the narrative of
the story I want for myself do I want to
see my book on an end cap or do I want
engaged readers eager for more about the
characters and world I can't get enough
of escaping into do I want a fancy
contract and in advance and the
legitimacy bestowed by a publisher or do
I want to have full control over my work
when it's released how its released from
my research it seems that most debut
authors advances are around five to ten
thousand dollars to make more than that
ever from a single book it has to do
quite well it has to make back that
advance before you even start making any
royalties and even then it's not like
the royalties per book are you know
astronomical and if it doesn't do well
you may never publish again the sequels
you perhaps planned or hoped for will
not happen and now the rights are shared
between you and your publisher and you
may not have the right to publish those
sequels even on your own after that
which Wow
so even if you are traditionally
published you have to do quite well to
make a living off of being an author
some people who are traditionally
published cannot quit their day job as
it were many
who are traditionally published cannot
quit their day job and some people who
are traditionally published go on to you
know become very very very successful so
there's a wide pendulum swing there and
the same is actually true of
self-publishing there are there is cream
that rises to the top of even
self-publishing it's less and less
viewed as a zero chance endeavor
although I've always portrayed it as
such here in my in my brain and you're
on side hustling as well but I'm
starting to see more and more the fact
of how similar the two are sometimes I
begin to wonder what is so different
about these two scenarios you have to do
wildly well either way if you want to
make it your career with like a capital
C career you know that's right I may
just be coming around a bit here the
world changes and so must I am I willing
to give up one version of what I dreamed
my life could look like for another that
is different but maybe just as good for
all that I know may be better which is
to say in this time of chaos I am
feeling better and better about plan B
an alternate story of what my future
could look like about the sudden
obliteration of expectations it's scary
not knowing what is going to happen and
it's also maybe freeing depends on the
hour the day the week but I'm less
scared now than I used to be and it
feels lighter almost I don't have to
have a capital C career make the New
York Times bestseller list have
traditionally accepted markers of
legitimacy and success to be creatively
fulfilled to live a good life to be
happy so that's the good days I guess
there have been dark ones too ones
without you know chance or ones where no
plan seems possible I think humans like
having a plan I think we like having a
trajectory and when all of that is derailed
derailed
it feels very stressful and scary but
here as we enter May of 2020 I'm
starting to like Plan B the worst case
scenario in some ways that I've always
thought of more and more it's starting
to look less and less scary and you know
the meanest part of my brain says that's
you giving up before you even tried and
the rest of me hopes that that is just a
nice balance of realism and hope I
suppose anyway let's talk about business
instead and kind of where I'm at with my
various side hustles because that is the
name in the game here so for YouTube I
did have a couple of look books that
have been postponed in some ways they're
coming out soon now but they were meant
to come out earlier in the year but for
various reasons like me being a little
scatterbrained because of extra levels
of stress and then also not having all
the supplies on hand and then shipping
taking longer for things during this
naturally I didn't have everything I
needed and so now I do have everything I
needed finally and I have my motivation
is at a good kind of good level to
continue I can go ahead and do some of
the look books I had planned to have
already finished earlier in the year at
this point so some new look books are
coming up and we all know how I like
playing with all that fun stuff so
that's coming up here soon on YouTube on
the channel I suppose and then as far as
like behind the scenes YouTube things
boy you'll remember I had a day job last
year a part-time job that I went to and
the income it was so unstable and the
income was so small just enough
basically to cover my bills that I was
like if I could make the same amount of
money on YouTube then I wouldn't need to
have this day job that keeps throwing
off my schedule and really impeding
progress for me and my other work so I
left my day job when my YouTube ad
revenue got to a point where I could pay
my bills
now unfortunately although more people
are home and you would think our binge
watching all kinds of stuff including
YouTube the
ad rates or the advertising on YouTube
is way way down because people or
companies aren't advertising or aren't
spending their advertising money the
same way they were so my like YouTube
revenue is one-quarter probably of what
it was in like say December January and
that partially is because in December ad
rates are really high because of
Christmas shopping ads so the December
is always a bit inflated but it was a
bit of a surprise see just how far the
ad rates drop here in spring so if it
were not for patreon and the support my
patrons have given me I would be
freaking out right now because my
YouTube revenue is not enough to cover
my bills anymore so it would be very bad
for me if I hadn't launched patreon
which is something I I did since I last
spoke to you here on site hustling as I
launched my patreon page and thank
goodness because my patrons are the only
like thing that's keeping me financially
afloat here but please don't ever feel
bad if you can't or don't want to
support me on patreon I totally
understand it's totally fine I just at
this moment I just I'm so thankful that
I launched this year because otherwise
I'd be drowning yes as far as my other
ventures like let's say the Essie shop
that's also you know kind of on pause
right now I was doing pretty okay with
the Etsy shop and I was having a lot of
fun with it really it's a lot of work
just it takes a lot of time to do like
each thing isn't like difficult but it
just takes a lot of time to photograph
everything to steam everything will
steam everything then photograph
everything and do the listings and make
post office runs and stuff like that but
I was having a lot of fun with it except
for now of course I'm not I although
some walk down restrictions are being
lifted in Colorado I think we're pretty
strict still which I'm actually pleased
about because my dad still has to go to
work and I would rather you know the
world be safer around him since he still
has to go to work and my mom works from
home I work from home my brother works
from home so the rest of us can kind of
stay on lockdown not without much
problem but my dad still has to go to
work and so I would rather the world out
there be safer for him
so if we stay unlocked a little bit
longer here in Colorado
that would make me happy and I certainly
am not planning on like resuming my
going going out the way I would before
which wasn't that often but I would meet
up you know go to dinner with my friends
or go thrifting every few weeks but uh
I'm not gonna be resuming kind of normal
business as usual for a while and for my
Etsy shop that means no new stock
basically um I do have some things that
I bought back in February that I haven't
listed so um I really need to get it
together and put those things up on the
shop so that I can get those things out there
there
very safe item since I bought them in
like mid-february before all of this
nonsense started happening but I haven't
been super comfortable going with the
post going to the post office and sup
like that anyway so and I don't have
like a lot of materials for packaging so
I would have to go to like buy packing
materials before I could go to the post
office to ship things but I mean I'm
totally willing to do that now I think
but it was just an extra thing I didn't
want to think about much so I didn't
list anything new during the last couple
of months here but I do have some stock
that I bought back in February that I
can put up and that will help you know
offset the losses from YouTube revenue
not really coming in so I really do need
to get on that this whole model that I
have going on here in my side hustle and
career here is to have like multiple
income streams and so with YouTube
turned dial turned way down the se shop
dial turned way down those are like two
sources of income for me so without them
luckily I can still cover my bills
tellings to patreon and I don't have
many because I live at home but it's
hard to like save up capital to start
new ventures or to get myself out of my
parents house which of course it's nice
to be quarantined with other humans so
it's not so bad right now
but I also if I never hear another Styx
concert play loudly through the walls
again it'll be fine with me you know
speaking of other possible ventures of
mine selling patterns I talked a little
bit about these um on Instagram recently
or asked for some feedback basically
about sewing patterns in general because
I'm really
trying to work through exactly what I
want to do it's very expensive to get
patterns graded if they are complex if
they have many pieces that is so like
something that has like a four piece
color facing and like a three piece
sleeve and like lots of pieces going on
it's more expensive to have graded and
sized because it's like you paper
pattern piece per size almost like
really you pay by hour but like the more
pattern pieces and the more sizes you
want the more expensive it's going to be
to have done I think I made a huge
mistake on Instagram by not mentioning
that I wouldn't be doing the grading
myself so it wasn't just a matter of me
putting in more time I'm gonna be
sending it out to have it professionally
graded so any pattern I do so it is a
cost per sides cost per difficulty level
of the patterns and like so many of the
things I make are very simple and not
that different from another like I
usually just change like the neckline or
like where the darts are but that's such
easy modifications I would rather
perhaps do a block pattern or perhaps
several different block patterns and
then you know have a booklet on how to
modify those blocks into the style of
dresses that I usually make because I
would just feel terrible being like
selling a dress that's like here's this
v-neck dress and here's this like
sweetheart neckline dress and it's like
they're the same they're the same it
would cost silly amounts of money for me
to have each of my dresses graded when
they are really so similar and can be
all drafted very easily from a block so
I'm thinking about doing possibly block
patterns and then like a booklet on how
to modify them and of course videos here
on the channel on how to modify them
because I do that kind of already here
so that's kind of where my head is at
with those but I'm still working through
like saving up enough money to have a
pattern graded I might be doing I
mentioned this on Instagram as well but
I might be scanning and like trying to
digitize my own personal patterns so
like my size the patterns that I have in
my sewing room that I use and making
those available to start with just I'm
gonna call them the B series I think
this is all this all subject to change
but I'm thinking of having a B series
like B e
B series of patterns that are all just
my exact patterns
so if any of you have similar
measurements to me or know how to grade
yourself and you want my patterns you
could have access to those I guess so
that's kinda where my head's at with
those moving forward but I still have a
lot of work to do on sewing patent stuff
but I am like kind of moving forward
with it whereas before it was just super
on the back burner but now I'm thinking
I'm gonna have the time and need to
invest the time in getting that off the
ground possibly I've actually found
sewing really helpful during lock down
here luckily for me I'm a hoarder when
it comes to fabric so I've had I have
lots of stuff in my stash that I've been
kind of doing a little bit of stash
busting here especially while I was like
kind of on hold with the projects for my
look books so I couldn't really work on
those and so I started working on some
other stuff that I just had laying
around that was like oh one day I'll get
to that dress or one day I'll get to
that fabric so I kind of went through
those and you saw some of those dresses
here on the channel in that recent
roundup video I did but yeah it's been
nice to kind of work with my hands
because my brain has been a little bit
of an extra stress and like swinging
between like days where I'm like it's
gonna be fine
it's gonna be maybe even better than I
thought it would be and then it'll be
like days where I'm like everything is
terrible you're never gonna get the
things you want the most it's this so
it's just like when your brain is
swinging between these extremes it's
nice to just be like how about just just
do this make so some darts and it's like
okay yeah it's almost easier like I feel
like almost the same about cooking too
like cooking something I have to like
focus on that and so I can't be too much
in my own head so selling him cooking
Thank You hello fresh basically it
almost seems odd that I haven't done a
side hustle and yet this year because we
are like what is it like like you know a
third of the way through the year here
and I haven't updated you on how I've
been doing in this context but I've been
trying to make content that was still
like my normal kind of stuff to help you
know entertain people during this wild
time or likes to have a reliable format
that people can turn to when they don't
want to hear about the madness anymore
they just want to watch some frilly
dresses and I'm here for that but I do
want to continue this series because as
I always say it's like my diary for
myself and sometimes I do look back on
my older side hustling videos just to
see like how far
come from then and that's kind of why I
started one into doing this wanted to do
this series in the first place is more
as a personal record of this process for
myself it's odd that I really thought I
would have queried or like made progress
on the literary agent front by then by
now here we are side hustling fourteen I
think this one is but I am I swing
between being really upset about that
and really flying with it weirdly enough
I'm more and more okay with it now
because I I think I'm accepted more and
more how long of a process is gonna be
if I do decide to go the traditional
publishing route which is that I've
always thought I would but I'm more and
more comfortable with the idea that like
if that doesn't work out and I have to
bummer I guess I'll just have to self
publish like trying to think about it
not that way but just because you know
so much drivel it that's so much just
when anyone can publish anything the
reason that self-publishing has such a
bad rap is because things are not being
edited or vetted or you know and a lot
of things get published that would never
have been traditionally published and
that's why they're been self-published
but there's a lot of things that are
self-published that like if they had hit
the right agent and right editor totally
would have been traditionally published
beforehand or things that are
self-published and then do do well
enough that they come out in print as
well or the print rights are sold so I
know I am thinking a lot more about
self-publishing I'm trying to stop being
such a elitist about it I guess which is
not easy for me because I I'm very much
a person who gets set in her ways very
easily so to try and change my opinion
about something isn't always the easiest
but I would rather learn to change and
hopefully be more optimistic in some
ways if I can so I'm working on it a
little you know kind of trying to but as
something that like I've always thought
of as like plans II like oh my god if I
like you know I'm about to
and I never got published I guess I'll
self-published then as like a last
resource like if I if I'm on fire then I
will self publish as like a last resort
but now I'm thinking of it less as a
last resort and more of more as of just
another option I don't think I this is
not something that would be like in
anytime soon by the way I'm thinking you
know like next year I will reevaluate
and consider if I'm not where I want to
be otherwise I might need that as a
income stream I might not be able I
might not be in the place where I can
wait ten years for a publishing deal
because I need to be able to have an
income or a source another source of
income to add to my sign hustle and that
hopefully will all pull together to make
it so that I can afford rent somewhere I
need that sooner rather than later and I
can't really afford to wait ten years
for that end cap display for $5,000 at
Barnes and Noble like I need stability
sooner and do I care more about having
that legitimacy having that stamp of
approval then I care about talking about
my stories with readers which is what
I'm most excited to do I think I'm more
excited about that and feedback from
readers and talking to readers about
issues and stories than I am about the
actual publication side of it I don't
know it's all very nebulous in weird as
we can see as we can tell so hopefully
I'll be able to edit this into something
intelligible but good god and again I am
just kind of rambling as usual year I
haven't really put my thoughts together
about this kind of stuff they're all
just like things that are floating
around in my brain right now still I
haven't come to conclusions I haven't
decided on it things any at all yet
really and so I'm kind of just throwing
this out into the brain space the the
space here of my diary that are these
videos so hopefully you don't mind but
this is just the kind of stuff that I've
been thinking about recently while here
in lockdown
staying safe inside my house which is my
normal sort of MO anyway we all know I
don't go out much have my notes here I
do want to give a shout out
to my top tier patrons who are literally
keeping me alive right now
so thank you so so much to che Brianne
Karina Ellen Gabi Carole Lacey Lynne
Margaret Nancy and Rhonda
you are literally keeping me going
keeping these videos going letting me
live really and thank you to all of my
patrons equally really thank you so much
for helping support me and my channel
and my work all my creative work really
and thank you to all of you who watch
these videos especially side hustle and
when I suppose late to the end of the
slide hustling video like you have to
make it through a lot of me mumbling on
and on to get to this part of a side
hustle and but thank you to all of you
who watch my videos and support the
content I create I
there's just no thanks enough really
you're the ones giving me my life in
some ways giving me giving purpose to my
life right now as well as allowing me to
live it practically as well I'm sorry
this was such a strange entry into this
series but you know some diary entries I
guess are weird and strange I hope all
of you are staying safe out there
staying saying out there I know it's
just such a weird nebulous chaotic and
like change a weird stressful time for
everybody so I hope you are doing well
and I hope I have more progress and like
concrete thoughts arranged for you next
time on this series we'll see where the
world is that in a couple of months
let's hope for the best okay yeah all right
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