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Atmospheric Tumult // SIDE HUSSELEN no. 14

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hello there welcome back to side

hustling last time on this series I told

you about my goals for 2020 so you know

assuming that we would have a 2020

perhaps naively thinking that we would

gonna have a 2020 I mean we certainly

didn't have in April was bright past I

mean we had quite the March but April

went look at he split apparently it's

May now which is very strange I hope all

of you are well but I thought today I

would tell you a little bit about how

I've been doing and how I'm feeling

about my 2020 goals here in May of 2020

let's get into it I want to begin by

talking about expectations and these

kind of thoughts were sort of spurred by

Hank Green's recent video called the

sudden obliteration of expectation so I

really appreciated that video from him

and I found it helpful and I want to

talk a little bit about some thoughts

surrounding that same sort of ideas

about why losing the life we were

imagining is a loss two losses come in

different sizes but they are all worthy

of being grieved we have all

collectively lost the 20/20 we were

planning on it wasn't even up to us it

changed and now we have to change to our

expectations for the year have to change

and our expectations for ourselves have

had to change as I said in my last video

in this series my main goal for 2020 for

the year was to send out query letters

to literary agents and sign with an

agent this year that was what I had

hoped would happen some part of me the

hopeful bit was thinking vaguely oh I'll

get an agent this year then maybe a deal

with a publisher soon ish after that and

if the channel keeps growing and I get a

book out I can maybe move out and start

my quote-unquote real life like next

year maybe even in like 2021 2021

coincidentally will be the year I turned

30 years old by the way that was the

story I wanted to tell myself the one I

had hazy lingering on my best days in

the background of my brain the narrative

I wanted to come true as far-fetched and

dreamy as it was because we all know

that the publishing process has never

run that smooth but in an ideal future

in my ideal vision of my own future

that's how it would have gone but that

can't happen in 2020 anymore I've been

waiting for the time and the right time

to send my my book baby off to preschool

but publishing is on fire the entire

place in chaos book tours cancelled

release dates pushed back indefinitely

agents distracted and the economy at

large in teetering disarray I love this

story too much to not give it the best

chance I can I'm not sending this book

baby out into a world on fire I have had

internal setbacks this is external

there's a lot to grieve in the world

right now big losses and little losses

and personal losses and this is mine

it's not as monumental as others have

but it's still scary for me some days I

think oh publishing bookstores they've

been through worse it'll all recover and

the dream that I had isn't gone it's

just paused the book end the you know

the end cap display at Barnes & Noble or

our local here in Colorado tattered

cover seeing the real hardcover with its

dust jacket placed on a little stand at

the bookshop that's still available it's

totally can happen of you know

publishing has been through Wars it's

all gonna be fine it'll all settle down

and recover and some days I think maybe

most bookstores aren't going to make it

through this and without bookstores you

can't have the dream of having an indie

camp at the bookstore really maybe the

industry will be incredibly cautious

after this too cautious for me and my

well queer story doesn't center around

queer issues but I don't know it's hard

to say what they're gonna be taking

risks on now when they've lost this much

money and this much time some days I

think it won't happen now that I missed

my only chance and some days I think if

I had gotten that agent last year if

I had gotten a deal last year I could be

one of those people who are now being

told that their book will not come out

when they thought it would that their

tour is canceled and that they don't

know that the dream that they were

suddenly guaranteed that they were so

close to if it will ever happen and

timing I don't really believe in faith

but timing could just be everything and

maybe I didn't miss my chance but I

missed a you know dodged a bullet it's

just hard to know and impossible to know

really and some days I think I have so

many chances of another kind for a

different version of my dream of my

future and in this time of stalled

reflection and nervousness and

uncertainty on such a global scale I

have begun to question my own dreams

what they look like what I actually want

when I imagine that you know publication

day that I want so very much or have

told myself that I want to very much

that that I've put into the narrative of

the story I want for myself do I want to

see my book on an end cap or do I want

engaged readers eager for more about the

characters and world I can't get enough

of escaping into do I want a fancy

contract and in advance and the

legitimacy bestowed by a publisher or do

I want to have full control over my work

when it's released how its released from

my research it seems that most debut

authors advances are around five to ten

thousand dollars to make more than that

ever from a single book it has to do

quite well it has to make back that

advance before you even start making any

royalties and even then it's not like

the royalties per book are you know

astronomical and if it doesn't do well

you may never publish again the sequels

you perhaps planned or hoped for will

not happen and now the rights are shared

between you and your publisher and you

may not have the right to publish those

sequels even on your own after that

which Wow

so even if you are traditionally

published you have to do quite well to

make a living off of being an author

some people who are traditionally

published cannot quit their day job as

it were many

who are traditionally published cannot

quit their day job and some people who

are traditionally published go on to you

know become very very very successful so

there's a wide pendulum swing there and

the same is actually true of

self-publishing there are there is cream

that rises to the top of even

self-publishing it's less and less

viewed as a zero chance endeavor

although I've always portrayed it as

such here in my in my brain and you're

on side hustling as well but I'm

starting to see more and more the fact

of how similar the two are sometimes I

begin to wonder what is so different

about these two scenarios you have to do

wildly well either way if you want to

make it your career with like a capital

C career you know that's right I may

just be coming around a bit here the

world changes and so must I am I willing

to give up one version of what I dreamed

my life could look like for another that

is different but maybe just as good for

all that I know may be better which is

to say in this time of chaos I am

feeling better and better about plan B

an alternate story of what my future

could look like about the sudden

obliteration of expectations it's scary

not knowing what is going to happen and

it's also maybe freeing depends on the

hour the day the week but I'm less

scared now than I used to be and it

feels lighter almost I don't have to

have a capital C career make the New

York Times bestseller list have

traditionally accepted markers of

legitimacy and success to be creatively

fulfilled to live a good life to be

happy so that's the good days I guess

there have been dark ones too ones

without you know chance or ones where no

plan seems possible I think humans like

having a plan I think we like having a

trajectory and when all of that is derailed

derailed

it feels very stressful and scary but

here as we enter May of 2020 I'm

starting to like Plan B the worst case

scenario in some ways that I've always

thought of more and more it's starting

to look less and less scary and you know

the meanest part of my brain says that's

you giving up before you even tried and

the rest of me hopes that that is just a

nice balance of realism and hope I

suppose anyway let's talk about business

instead and kind of where I'm at with my

various side hustles because that is the

name in the game here so for YouTube I

did have a couple of look books that

have been postponed in some ways they're

coming out soon now but they were meant

to come out earlier in the year but for

various reasons like me being a little

scatterbrained because of extra levels

of stress and then also not having all

the supplies on hand and then shipping

taking longer for things during this

naturally I didn't have everything I

needed and so now I do have everything I

needed finally and I have my motivation

is at a good kind of good level to

continue I can go ahead and do some of

the look books I had planned to have

already finished earlier in the year at

this point so some new look books are

coming up and we all know how I like

playing with all that fun stuff so

that's coming up here soon on YouTube on

the channel I suppose and then as far as

like behind the scenes YouTube things

boy you'll remember I had a day job last

year a part-time job that I went to and

the income it was so unstable and the

income was so small just enough

basically to cover my bills that I was

like if I could make the same amount of

money on YouTube then I wouldn't need to

have this day job that keeps throwing

off my schedule and really impeding

progress for me and my other work so I

left my day job when my YouTube ad

revenue got to a point where I could pay

my bills

now unfortunately although more people

are home and you would think our binge

watching all kinds of stuff including

YouTube the

ad rates or the advertising on YouTube

is way way down because people or

companies aren't advertising or aren't

spending their advertising money the

same way they were so my like YouTube

revenue is one-quarter probably of what

it was in like say December January and

that partially is because in December ad

rates are really high because of

Christmas shopping ads so the December

is always a bit inflated but it was a

bit of a surprise see just how far the

ad rates drop here in spring so if it

were not for patreon and the support my

patrons have given me I would be

freaking out right now because my

YouTube revenue is not enough to cover

my bills anymore so it would be very bad

for me if I hadn't launched patreon

which is something I I did since I last

spoke to you here on site hustling as I

launched my patreon page and thank

goodness because my patrons are the only

like thing that's keeping me financially

afloat here but please don't ever feel

bad if you can't or don't want to

support me on patreon I totally

understand it's totally fine I just at

this moment I just I'm so thankful that

I launched this year because otherwise

I'd be drowning yes as far as my other

ventures like let's say the Essie shop

that's also you know kind of on pause

right now I was doing pretty okay with

the Etsy shop and I was having a lot of

fun with it really it's a lot of work

just it takes a lot of time to do like

each thing isn't like difficult but it

just takes a lot of time to photograph

everything to steam everything will

steam everything then photograph

everything and do the listings and make

post office runs and stuff like that but

I was having a lot of fun with it except

for now of course I'm not I although

some walk down restrictions are being

lifted in Colorado I think we're pretty

strict still which I'm actually pleased

about because my dad still has to go to

work and I would rather you know the

world be safer around him since he still

has to go to work and my mom works from

home I work from home my brother works

from home so the rest of us can kind of

stay on lockdown not without much

problem but my dad still has to go to

work and so I would rather the world out

there be safer for him

so if we stay unlocked a little bit

longer here in Colorado

that would make me happy and I certainly

am not planning on like resuming my

going going out the way I would before

which wasn't that often but I would meet

up you know go to dinner with my friends

or go thrifting every few weeks but uh

I'm not gonna be resuming kind of normal

business as usual for a while and for my

Etsy shop that means no new stock

basically um I do have some things that

I bought back in February that I haven't

listed so um I really need to get it

together and put those things up on the

shop so that I can get those things out there

there

very safe item since I bought them in

like mid-february before all of this

nonsense started happening but I haven't

been super comfortable going with the

post going to the post office and sup

like that anyway so and I don't have

like a lot of materials for packaging so

I would have to go to like buy packing

materials before I could go to the post

office to ship things but I mean I'm

totally willing to do that now I think

but it was just an extra thing I didn't

want to think about much so I didn't

list anything new during the last couple

of months here but I do have some stock

that I bought back in February that I

can put up and that will help you know

offset the losses from YouTube revenue

not really coming in so I really do need

to get on that this whole model that I

have going on here in my side hustle and

career here is to have like multiple

income streams and so with YouTube

turned dial turned way down the se shop

dial turned way down those are like two

sources of income for me so without them

luckily I can still cover my bills

tellings to patreon and I don't have

many because I live at home but it's

hard to like save up capital to start

new ventures or to get myself out of my

parents house which of course it's nice

to be quarantined with other humans so

it's not so bad right now

but I also if I never hear another Styx

concert play loudly through the walls

again it'll be fine with me you know

speaking of other possible ventures of

mine selling patterns I talked a little

bit about these um on Instagram recently

or asked for some feedback basically

about sewing patterns in general because

I'm really

trying to work through exactly what I

want to do it's very expensive to get

patterns graded if they are complex if

they have many pieces that is so like

something that has like a four piece

color facing and like a three piece

sleeve and like lots of pieces going on

it's more expensive to have graded and

sized because it's like you paper

pattern piece per size almost like

really you pay by hour but like the more

pattern pieces and the more sizes you

want the more expensive it's going to be

to have done I think I made a huge

mistake on Instagram by not mentioning

that I wouldn't be doing the grading

myself so it wasn't just a matter of me

putting in more time I'm gonna be

sending it out to have it professionally

graded so any pattern I do so it is a

cost per sides cost per difficulty level

of the patterns and like so many of the

things I make are very simple and not

that different from another like I

usually just change like the neckline or

like where the darts are but that's such

easy modifications I would rather

perhaps do a block pattern or perhaps

several different block patterns and

then you know have a booklet on how to

modify those blocks into the style of

dresses that I usually make because I

would just feel terrible being like

selling a dress that's like here's this

v-neck dress and here's this like

sweetheart neckline dress and it's like

they're the same they're the same it

would cost silly amounts of money for me

to have each of my dresses graded when

they are really so similar and can be

all drafted very easily from a block so

I'm thinking about doing possibly block

patterns and then like a booklet on how

to modify them and of course videos here

on the channel on how to modify them

because I do that kind of already here

so that's kind of where my head is at

with those but I'm still working through

like saving up enough money to have a

pattern graded I might be doing I

mentioned this on Instagram as well but

I might be scanning and like trying to

digitize my own personal patterns so

like my size the patterns that I have in

my sewing room that I use and making

those available to start with just I'm

gonna call them the B series I think

this is all this all subject to change

but I'm thinking of having a B series

like B e

B series of patterns that are all just

my exact patterns

so if any of you have similar

measurements to me or know how to grade

yourself and you want my patterns you

could have access to those I guess so

that's kinda where my head's at with

those moving forward but I still have a

lot of work to do on sewing patent stuff

but I am like kind of moving forward

with it whereas before it was just super

on the back burner but now I'm thinking

I'm gonna have the time and need to

invest the time in getting that off the

ground possibly I've actually found

sewing really helpful during lock down

here luckily for me I'm a hoarder when

it comes to fabric so I've had I have

lots of stuff in my stash that I've been

kind of doing a little bit of stash

busting here especially while I was like

kind of on hold with the projects for my

look books so I couldn't really work on

those and so I started working on some

other stuff that I just had laying

around that was like oh one day I'll get

to that dress or one day I'll get to

that fabric so I kind of went through

those and you saw some of those dresses

here on the channel in that recent

roundup video I did but yeah it's been

nice to kind of work with my hands

because my brain has been a little bit

of an extra stress and like swinging

between like days where I'm like it's

gonna be fine

it's gonna be maybe even better than I

thought it would be and then it'll be

like days where I'm like everything is

terrible you're never gonna get the

things you want the most it's this so

it's just like when your brain is

swinging between these extremes it's

nice to just be like how about just just

do this make so some darts and it's like

okay yeah it's almost easier like I feel

like almost the same about cooking too

like cooking something I have to like

focus on that and so I can't be too much

in my own head so selling him cooking

Thank You hello fresh basically it

almost seems odd that I haven't done a

side hustle and yet this year because we

are like what is it like like you know a

third of the way through the year here

and I haven't updated you on how I've

been doing in this context but I've been

trying to make content that was still

like my normal kind of stuff to help you

know entertain people during this wild

time or likes to have a reliable format

that people can turn to when they don't

want to hear about the madness anymore

they just want to watch some frilly

dresses and I'm here for that but I do

want to continue this series because as

I always say it's like my diary for

myself and sometimes I do look back on

my older side hustling videos just to

see like how far

come from then and that's kind of why I

started one into doing this wanted to do

this series in the first place is more

as a personal record of this process for

myself it's odd that I really thought I

would have queried or like made progress

on the literary agent front by then by

now here we are side hustling fourteen I

think this one is but I am I swing

between being really upset about that

and really flying with it weirdly enough

I'm more and more okay with it now

because I I think I'm accepted more and

more how long of a process is gonna be

if I do decide to go the traditional

publishing route which is that I've

always thought I would but I'm more and

more comfortable with the idea that like

if that doesn't work out and I have to

bummer I guess I'll just have to self

publish like trying to think about it

not that way but just because you know

so much drivel it that's so much just

when anyone can publish anything the

reason that self-publishing has such a

bad rap is because things are not being

edited or vetted or you know and a lot

of things get published that would never

have been traditionally published and

that's why they're been self-published

but there's a lot of things that are

self-published that like if they had hit

the right agent and right editor totally

would have been traditionally published

beforehand or things that are

self-published and then do do well

enough that they come out in print as

well or the print rights are sold so I

know I am thinking a lot more about

self-publishing I'm trying to stop being

such a elitist about it I guess which is

not easy for me because I I'm very much

a person who gets set in her ways very

easily so to try and change my opinion

about something isn't always the easiest

but I would rather learn to change and

hopefully be more optimistic in some

ways if I can so I'm working on it a

little you know kind of trying to but as

something that like I've always thought

of as like plans II like oh my god if I

like you know I'm about to

and I never got published I guess I'll

self-published then as like a last

resource like if I if I'm on fire then I

will self publish as like a last resort

but now I'm thinking of it less as a

last resort and more of more as of just

another option I don't think I this is

not something that would be like in

anytime soon by the way I'm thinking you

know like next year I will reevaluate

and consider if I'm not where I want to

be otherwise I might need that as a

income stream I might not be able I

might not be in the place where I can

wait ten years for a publishing deal

because I need to be able to have an

income or a source another source of

income to add to my sign hustle and that

hopefully will all pull together to make

it so that I can afford rent somewhere I

need that sooner rather than later and I

can't really afford to wait ten years

for that end cap display for $5,000 at

Barnes and Noble like I need stability

sooner and do I care more about having

that legitimacy having that stamp of

approval then I care about talking about

my stories with readers which is what

I'm most excited to do I think I'm more

excited about that and feedback from

readers and talking to readers about

issues and stories than I am about the

actual publication side of it I don't

know it's all very nebulous in weird as

we can see as we can tell so hopefully

I'll be able to edit this into something

intelligible but good god and again I am

just kind of rambling as usual year I

haven't really put my thoughts together

about this kind of stuff they're all

just like things that are floating

around in my brain right now still I

haven't come to conclusions I haven't

decided on it things any at all yet

really and so I'm kind of just throwing

this out into the brain space the the

space here of my diary that are these

videos so hopefully you don't mind but

this is just the kind of stuff that I've

been thinking about recently while here

in lockdown

staying safe inside my house which is my

normal sort of MO anyway we all know I

don't go out much have my notes here I

do want to give a shout out

to my top tier patrons who are literally

keeping me alive right now

so thank you so so much to che Brianne

Karina Ellen Gabi Carole Lacey Lynne

Margaret Nancy and Rhonda

you are literally keeping me going

keeping these videos going letting me

live really and thank you to all of my

patrons equally really thank you so much

for helping support me and my channel

and my work all my creative work really

and thank you to all of you who watch

these videos especially side hustle and

when I suppose late to the end of the

slide hustling video like you have to

make it through a lot of me mumbling on

and on to get to this part of a side

hustle and but thank you to all of you

who watch my videos and support the

content I create I

there's just no thanks enough really

you're the ones giving me my life in

some ways giving me giving purpose to my

life right now as well as allowing me to

live it practically as well I'm sorry

this was such a strange entry into this

series but you know some diary entries I

guess are weird and strange I hope all

of you are staying safe out there

staying saying out there I know it's

just such a weird nebulous chaotic and

like change a weird stressful time for

everybody so I hope you are doing well

and I hope I have more progress and like

concrete thoughts arranged for you next

time on this series we'll see where the

world is that in a couple of months

let's hope for the best okay yeah all right

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