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How To Overcome The Toughest Moment Of Your Life - Ashley Cain
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you wish for so many things don't you
you think I want that
house I want that car I love to go on
that holiday I wish I could lose weight
I want to look good I want that woman I
want that man imagine that your only
wish in the world wasn't anymore that
you want your baby to live but when your baby
baby
dies you want to in your arms and you
want it to be
peaceful imagine that's the one thing
that you're wishing for in this world
that's all I could hope for that was my New
Hope actually Kane welcome to the show
thank you for having me the last time
that we were together in person was tptp
Palace VIP in Newcastle a very long time
ago you joking last time that we were
together wow a lot of things have
changed over the last few
years when we first became friends you
were coming out the back of doing
reality TV to next on the beach uh you
were starting businesses and doing a
bunch of other
things we haven't caught up since then
life I'd say the Ashley Kane that you
know has disappeared vanished
vanished
evaporated um what's happened with life
life I'd say that I've probably gone
through the most traumatic experience
that I believe that a human being could you
you
know always thought I was living the
life before I thought for a guy in his
20s it didn't get much
better until I had my beautiful daughter
Zia when I had that little girl
was the crazy thing about it was you
know two months into becoming a daddy
something I always wanted to be
something I look forward
to something that actually made my life
Feel Complete for once
once
uh I found out my
daughter I've been diagnosed
leukemia finding out
that the most beautiful thing you've ever
ever
created the most precious and valuable
thing to
you has got a life-threatening illness
not just a lifethreatening Illness but
one of the most rare and aggressive
forms of cancer known especially in a
it's something that not only breaks your
away I didn't really know what to do at
that point you know I feel like I felt quite
quite
ashamed when I found out that my
daughter got diagnosed
diagnosed
why well I'll paint a picture we went to
hospital you know she got rushed into
Hospital in an ambulance we suspected
there wasn't something right you know
um from probably two weeks into her
being born she had like stuffy notes um
it was like cold flu symptoms but it was
during covid you know so you couldn't
just go to the
doctors um the doctors said it'd be cold
or flu you know get um one of those
things that you P up a baby's nose and
suck the snut out my grandma from the
Caribbean wouldn't allow that she said
you know put your mouth under and suck
it out yourself um so that's what what I
did it didn't seem to to budge then we
found out that a stomach was getting
quite hard
bloated we thought it could be
constipation or colic that's what the
doctor said so we went with the doctors you
you
know but there's something about um a parents
parents
instincts that that tells you when your
child isn't
right then one morning my partner at the
time Sophia she found um a raised lump
on aelia's stomach it was like a
bruise when we told the doctors about
that they kind of insisted that she
needs to go to hospital we rang 111 they
sent an ambulance out straight
away so when we got to hospital at the
time um you know she was having blood
tests which any parent will tell you
when their baby has have blood test is
not nice you thinking that's kind of the
worst it's going to get
but I I felt and I suspected that there
wasn't something right um when we were
waiting for the
news it was crazy but something in my
up even though I knew that I was going
to get told something me standing up
would give me a sign that I knew how bad
it was before they had to open their
mouths because I knew if it was bad news
it' tell me to sit down so I stood up
and I waited and I
waited and when this team of doctors
came in the first thing they told me to
do was sit down take a
seat then they told me that aadia had AMR
AMR
leukemia it was very aggressive she had
a white s count of 200 at 8 months
old yeah um and at that point I went
into a State of Shock you know I was
upset if I like
the world went into slow motion had no
gauge of kind of I had no spatial
awareness I had no gauge of what was
really in front of me what wasn't a
reality if you would say that's what the
embarrassing part was you know I didn't
know how to take
it then my life changed you know from
then on from then hearing that we got
rra to Birmingham Children's Hospital
where we didn't go home we didn't go
home to get clothes we didn't go home to
pack anything we went straight to
Birmingham Children's Hospital during
covid as a went straight into um
intensive care they didn't think she'd
make it through the next day two
days um I was in a
room probably quarter third of the size
of this I was
sleeping on a space on the floor
probably about this
white um wasn't allow to go outside to
the shops wasn't out to see family
friends because it was
Co and that's when my journey in life really
started what was your partner's response
out she went straight to my daughter's side
mother's instinct protect your
baby do you know the the crazy thing
about it was the initial response for me
is I
crumbled my partner straight away was by my
my
daughter and when we were in the
day something clicked in
me something clicked to me it was like
that first night
lasted a
year it was like I was in a Cell for a
year with time to
think I was thinking of all the things
that I could do to try and take this
illness away and no matter how many
times I thought and how many times it
replayed it came to the same
conclusion I couldn't take my daughter's illness
illness
away I couldn't swap positions
the only thing that I and my partner
could do was control the environment in
which my daughter was
in and if that was the only thing that I
and my partner could do I was going to
make sure that we did it to the best of our
our
ability I know that babies are sensory
beings you know my daughter might not
have understood what what we were saying
but but she could definitely pick up on
the environment that we created for us
so I I pulled safia to the side you know
she was struggling at that point as was
I and I said saf this room is Club 100 I
said when we step over this
line I said our baby will not see us cry
our baby will not see us
upset our baby will only see Smiles
happiness high energy and feel a sense of
of
belief while we are here is there no
cure fix respite was there even a not.
not not not 1% chance of survival or is
it completely
terminal so at that point you know there
was hope
they they didn't they didn't see a case
of of cancer like that and a baby so
young it doesn't usually happen you know
for the the initial plan was um four
cycles of
chemotherapy so you know you do cycle
one you're in hospital so say a week
cycle of chemotherapy you're in hospital
for another two weeks to 3 weeks then
you get a couple of days at home before
you repeat cycle 2 cycle
3 the thing it was with isia is she was
very young the chemotherapy treatments
are very harsh you know um so they they
didn't know how she would get on with them
them
the true fighter and Warrior she was she
absolutely smashed round one no side
effects she went into round
two and the the cancer would come back
very early so it was apparent after
round two that you know this normal
cycle of four rounds wouldn't work and
that she would need a stem cell transplant
transplant
um we found out at that point as well
that you know
I'm half Sim Vincent and Grenadines so
half Vincy half English my partner is
half Burmese half English so my daughter
had quite a rare match which they told
us at the time would be hard to find a
stem cell
donor there was lots of obstacles on
this journey but you know one thing
remained and that was hope and that was
belief the crazy thing was you know
when I heard that it was you know going
to be hard to find a match I contacted
Anthony Nolan dkms straight away to
create an Outreach campaign to get as
many donors as possible to register in the
the
Hope what I didn't understand was how
much support we had and we had 880,000
people in one weekend registered to be a
donor for my
daughter probably north of a quarter of
a million within a
week and um the special thing about that
was that you know not only were people
reaching out to be a Al's
donor but once is Alia found a donor
there'd be over a quar of a million
people in that month that would go on to
help other people and that are helping
other people now you
know the crazy thing was about that
whole journey
is I made a stand you know on the first
day that I would be strong for my daughter
daughter
you know I'd be positive for my daughter
I'd keep hope faith and belief and I
would not let her see me sad she would
only see Daddy
smiling because I thought I had to be
strong for
her what turned
out and what what was apparent very
quickly when she was that strong she was
that brave she radiated that much love
that she fueled not only me and my
partner and my
family but hundreds of thousands if not
millions of people around the world at
pandemic she was incredible she was
special you've said that you're being
purposefully strong you don't want to
step into the ward where your daughter's
being kept and show weakness but what
happens when you're away from her what
happens when she's asleep what happens
when you do go home to get
clothes what's life like for you what's
the inside of the texture of your mind
like during this time when you're not with
with
know one thing I try and like explain to
people about life at the minute you know
when it gets
tough I kind of fire back with imagine
imagine
day that the next minute that comes
along might be the last minute that you
see your daughter
breathing that she's
alive imagine going to bed at
night and not knowing that when you wake
up in the morning if your daughter's
over and over and over
again that's hard you
know I
hospital I had to sleep there I got so
scared in the night
time I got so scared in the
nighttime that I had to be there in the
hospital at night because I didn't trust
the night
time I didn't trust it I always feared
that something would happen in the night
so I had to be there that meant that I
didn't really
sleep which is probably why I don't have
to sleep that much now you had
observations at observations sorry every
20 30 minutes you got beep beep beep
nurses coming in nap his knee changing
I'm staring at that bed staring at it
making sure is
okay and subsequently you
know the most beautiful time I used to
feel was in the morning and it was crazy
I used to open my eyes and wake up yeah
and I used to look to the right and my
daughter would already be looking at me
and as soon as I'd open my eyes she'd
have the biggest smile on her face and I
used to open the blinds I used to put my
music on straight away I used to get her
changed and we start dancing and I used
to hold in my arms all day and dance
because I was grateful for another
opportunity to spend with her I didn't
have like had probably two channels on
the TV you can imagine what them
channels were I didn't have hardly any
reception on my
phone I wasn't allowed to go to the
shops I wasn't allowed to see family I
wasn't allowed to see
friends but I had something worth more
than absolutely anything and during the
most painful and Trauma atic time in my
life I had the most beautiful time of my
life which will never ever leave me
which I will always look look back to
and appreciate and hold on to and be grateful
grateful
for how long does this go on for
for
so month three that were in the hospital
was when is already had a stem cell stem cell
cell
transplant again you know
they thought she wouldn't make it
through it's quite a big procedure you
would think that you know stem cell
transplant I thought you know you go to
this big room there's a lot of machines
there's electronic arms all this Tech
but she just laying her laying her
Hospital in her bed sorry and um they
just put the new stem cils into a via a
central line and a chest and that was
done then it was a waiting game um they
thought it'd probably be you know 2 to 3
months before she' ful
graft 3 weeks done no side
effects we thought that that was going
to be the the end of the line
effectively we were prepared to go home you
you know
know
uh I mean the nurses did a stad of job
and and so did we his parents I mean
that room was kept Immaculate AIA was
kept Immaculate if that meant she had to
have a nappy changed every 10 minutes
that's what we
did so
after she engrafted you know we stayed
in hospital for another period of time
and then you know we thought that she
was going to be in remission we thought
we were going to be out patient and we
thought we'd be coming into ring the bar
so we went home for a couple of days no
we went home for a week while she had
uh her Lumber puncher done that was to
test if there was any remaining leukemia
it seemed to be
fine so we got called into hospital that
day to go in and ring the bell imagine
this has been like four month no five
months four or five months of being in
hospital you know
fearing the
worst and then we're going in to finally
ring the
bell this is a great point for me
because you know when I had a daughter I
kind of got myself to a position with
work that I was going to be like a
full-time daddy effectively you know
they say like a momer I was going to be
a dader you know I was going to be there
I was planning my life for my little
girl she was my everything and it felt
like this was the start and this is
where you know my journey was going to
lead to my daughter now I was even
planning on you
know telling her you're asking her what
she would like to do when she's at
school you know what would you like to
do if you didn't have to go school today
day and her telling me and we going to
the school making up an excuse while
she's got to G home and telling her not
to tell her
mom so we went in to ring the bell and
um just as she had her checkups done the
nurse is LIN the corridor and the
doctors ready to clap and uh our main
oncologist came in and said we got some
bad news um is's
relapsed but she's
relapsed in the terrible way and the
Cancer's come back very aggressive and
she's got the tubens have come back in her
her
stomach her lungs her
spleen her
do at this point
at this point um I had to kind of gather the
the
stuff and I had to say that you know
that's not good enough for
me I said my little girl is my entire
world I said I'd Die For her I said I
would do
anything for her to be
dishonest and that means that I am not
taking no for an answer I I am not
taking that you don't know what to do I
am not taking the fact that you want us
to go
home she has fought for too long and
she's fought far too hard and we have
fought for too long and we have fought
far too hard for this to be the
end and that was a point where we
started to look for treatment abroad you
know we were looking
for CTI therapy which is targeted chemotherapy
which you know doesn't obliterate the
body but it targets certain te- cells to
remove um the
leukemia we found out that in there was
two places in America that did it but
they didn't treat children under two
years of two years of age um there was a
place in China but they weren't letting
anybody in due to co so we found one
last place which was
Singapore um this treatment was going to
cost north of a million £500,000 initial
deposit £500,000 to see the treatment
through and then obviously you have the
time in hospital to Monitor and test or
if you have to go for another round
again so you're looking at far north
through a [Music]
[Music]
million it wasn't like I was poor but I
didn't have a million pound you
know um so we we decided that you know
that's what we're going to do we spoke
to the
hospital we you know sent samples and
then it was a point of starting to go
funme which we did
um I think the GoFundMe campaign
actually raised a million pound within
about 5
hours which was incredible I think that
that goes to show of how much of effect
aelia had on the world and how incredible
incredible
people actually are you know social
media can be seen as such a cynical
place but the whole time during our
journey in hospital it was a reminder of
me of how beautiful the people are in
this world as
well um so we raised the money which is absolutely
absolutely
incredible and like every stage of this
journey every moment that seems like
it's going to be so happy was followed
by a bank the day after we raised the
money the do
and the oncologist came in to say that
they now found tumors on a Z's
travel which also meant that she
was too young to have targeted
radiotherapy which also meant that if
they wanted to do a lumber puncher for
chemotherapy into a spinal cord they
couldn't because it would risk one the
home
now you think that finding out your daughter's
daughter's
got a rare and aggressive form of cancer hard
you think that 6 months in a hospital room
room
fearing that you're going to lose your
daughter every minute of every day would
you you think that hearing your daughter
had relapsed after the hopes of taking
hard when they tell you that you've got
to take you daughter
home for her to pass
away because there's nothing else they can
can
do that's when stuff gets really
hard because I was effectively taking my
daughter home to
die I didn't know how she was going to
die I didn't know if she was going to be in
in
pain I didn't know if it was going to be
today tomorrow or a week's time but I
knew that my daughter was going to die at
at
home that's
hard that's when everything started to
dark up until this point you've been
able to try and have some sort of change
have input in some way
hope that it
it
appreciation of what's in front of you
and hope that's all I had that was
enough that was more than enough I didn't
didn't
realize how
much and how important that was until I
didn't have it
know I can't really explain the feeling
but imagine
imagine these lights in this
room they just go
off in your whole world looks like this
dark gray tone that's how I was seeing
things that's not an analogy of how things
were when they told me I had to take my
daughter home my whole body went heavy
it felt like I was carrying a rook sack
with 30 with 50 kilos in it and that's
how I was walking around I felt like I
couldn't see see
colors I felt like things were moving
slow really
slow and my body my head and my heart
pain constant
pain you wish for so many things don't
you you
think I want that house I want that car
I love to go on that
holiday I wish I could lose weight I
want to look
good I want that woman I want that man
be imagine that your only wish in the
world wasn't
live but when your baby
dies you want her in your arms and you
want it to be peaceful
imagine that's the one thing that you're
world that's all I could hope for that
was my new hope it got to the point
where when aadia was crying the tears with
with
blood that's
scary
but they thought when iselia was at home
she probably last 2
days talk about 3 weeks typical she was
a fighter she was a warrior she was a
lion she
was she always defied the
odds and one thing I'll always be
thankful to her for was there was one
night in
particular and when we started going
home that's when you could really see
the illness
physically it sounds crazy doesn't it
she's got you know and NG tube she's got
two Central lines going in the chest but
you couldn't see a poly baby Zia was
that beautiful that strong that full of
life apart from the
wires she looked like healthy baby but
when we take her when we took her home
sorry that was when you could see the
evidence of the cancer really having an
effect and it was one night in
particular where I didn't think she was
going to wake up in the morning
and I remember I went to bed with sopia
morning but as her eyes opened her
labored and I
knew I knew that
that or that this was going to be the
at that point we didn't need to put any
monitors on her because we knew that no
matter how much we monitor
call this was
it so the only thing we made sure we did as
as
parents was make sure that Z was rested
in our
you know when you say uh the last time
you seen me in top top what's going
hard it's been hard you could have
locked me in the s for the rest of my
life you could have tortured
me you could have asked me to put a
knife in my neck right now from here to
you could to talk my mom my dad my
family do not take my
daughter you [Music]
[Music]
know and that's where I've been that's
what I've about to go
through that's the the trauma that I'm
still you know battling with on a
day-to-day basis
tough what does this do to your
partner that's interesting it's a
answer I tell you what it all starts
off with being in hospital yeah
so effectively for 4 month
relationship I'd be in the hospital room
she'd be in the hotel room across the
road you know we'd spend half the day
there each and we'd walk down we'd walk
across hello how are
you I'm upset it's hard how's it Z yeah
she's doing well today she's not doing
was we were United in the fact that
we're both trying to be strong for each
it's difficult and I'll tell you what
it's difficult
because you build a relationship while
enjoy enjoying each other's company
right you're intrigued in that
person you are excited about what
holiday you're going to go on what
things you can do you have interesting fun
conversations you probably you know get
a lot of time to enjoy sexual relations
all of these things that build a strong healthy
healthy
relationship you know I seen my partner
for 5 minutes well 1 minute a day for 6
months when our daughter passed
away we didn't want
to go for food we didn't want to think
about what holiday we were going on at
the end of the
year we weren't
interested in experimenting in the
now
I knew what path I needed to go
on you know
and I knew that no matter what I had to
fulfill it you know and the thing is and
the only thing that I can say is the
crazy thing about M and safia's relationship
relationship
together we have more Unity
Unity loyalty
respect and commitment to each other now
than we ever did before because of the
love for our
daughter because of the need to evoke positive
positive
change in fighting cancering
children and because of the fact that we
want to honor our daughter's time
here and her
me we didn't split up because I wanted
to find another
partner we didn't split up because she
wanted to find another
partner we didn't split up because we
didn't love each other
anymore we didn't split up because we
didn't support each other or because we
other I guess trying to fulfill a
relationship with that much trauma
becomes difficult but where that became difficult
difficult
we've stood by each other we've never
left each other's
side I will love her until the day I die
she dies because she gave me the most
Incredible Gift Anyone on this Earth
could have given me I care about her I
respect her and I would always be there
for her and I believe she would always
be there for
think it damaged things and I don't
think it only only damage things for us
in our
relationship but I think it's left
permanent damage for me to even think of
getting in a relationship going forward
have you tried to have another
relationship since her no I haven't got the
the
time doesn't really it doesn't really
bother me that's a genuine
truth sounds crazy knowing me all them
years ago and what I was
like I was a force of nature
back then but it's not
something that I think about on a
day-to-day basis it's not something that
I look to the Future and think that's
what I
want it's definitely something that I
can't I'm not ignorant and naive enough
to say that it wouldn't happen but it's
definitely not in my sights at the
minute let's put it that way do you not
why well number one if I'm just going to
family something that I thank God for
every single
morning incredible beautiful
family number two Soph did in my life you
you
know but the main reason
is because I'm aware of my
mission and I'm super
focused laser focused on it
it
and I'm kind of aware that
nobody is as passionate as me on my
specific Mission as I am I'm aware that
you can't have somebody hold your hand
through your whole journey while you're chasing
chasing
it I'm aware that
sometimes you need to spearhead
something in order to pave the way for
it to get
done I'm aware that you know I am 7 days
a week I am 18 hours a day I sleep 5
hours a night maximum if
that all of these things are lonely
things and I'm fine with
that so it doesn't really play a part in
my life worrying about that aspect of
it right now you're focused on
doing things which we'll get on
to after aelia passes away do you
immediately get galvanized into action
or do you have to go through darker
that should I tell you what was a
something and it was one of
the rad daugh eulogy was one of the
hardest things I've ever had to
do number
one because what father expects to speak
at his daughter's
funeral you know it's in be thinking
about you can't even comprehend it can
you you
know so I was trying to write and trying
to create a a masterpiece that
could honor and commemorate my daughter
while going through so much trauma that's
that's
hard it was also hard because I thought
that no matter how beautiful my words
are how powerful they are how much pain
is in them it will never truly be out to
was so I knew that I had to really dig
deep in that moment and
reflect so I could write something and
not only write it but I have the courage
day in writing my daughter's udig I
I
realized the person that I wanted to
be and that I needed to
be I realized about all the things that
I wanted to do going forward and that I
needed to do going
forward and it made me understand what I
take and that's why I don't think
I said that you
know that my life for my daughter was
you know compressed to a room in the
hospital I'm a God-fearing man so I now
believe that my daughter's in heaven and
I believe she's watching down on
me if that is the case I said I want to
take her all around the world with
nothing but Daddy power to the top of
Every Mountain to the bottom of every
Valley along every road across every
I said I'll take it
there and that was a life-changing
but I can't lie you know I found
drink you know when she passed
away I would drink whiskey and I drink
more whiskey and I drink more
whiskey and you know I think at first I
thought it was going to numb the pain if
emotional I thought that maybe if I would
would
drink I could give my mind a rest
because all it felt was uncontrollable
uncontrollable
painful trauma that just infested and
mind and eventually I was just drinking
just to knock myself out I would drink
to the
point where I was knocked out just as a
way to
sleep and I remember something happened
morning and I felt
upset I thought if this is the
man that my daughter is looking down on
as her
daddy I feel [ __ ] ashamed
embarrassed so then I decided to get the [ __ ]
[ __ ]
up and start honoring my promise that I
made to her that day and I made to
back what was the darkest moment that
it
depends there you talking about
personally in terms of you know them
telling me I've got to take my daughter
home he talking about
personally like count my daughter's last
best in my arms are you talking
personally you know since her passing
there's so many moments
that were to that Tau me to literally
the pits of how a human being can
feel that when you're at the bottom it's
hard to quantify which one's worse and
which one's not a lot of people would
have tried to exit a lot of people would
have maybe
considered taking their own life were
yeah it's um it's hard to find a reason
to want to be here when you feel like
everything that you ever dreamed of in a
little ball that was called AIA has been
ripped away from
you you know I couldn't think of
anything worse than losing a child and
for the minute I wake up in the
morning I turn around and I see a
picture of
her that's traumatic for the moment I
open my eyes
at the you know at the start of the
evening I go down to my daughter's resting
resting
place to say good night and say my
prayers and that's how I was see my
daughter every single day that's
traumatic to look down and realize that
she's in the
ground you
where I he was he was after I ran a marathon
marathon
you know that year i' done the 1,100 M
cycle from L into J gr i' done the Three
Peaks and cycle 700 miles in between
I've done 109 mile Ultram Marathon I've
done five marathons in five days in five
different cities in five different
countries then I cycled 1,800 miles from
London to Paris to to Geneva to Rome
then I got back and a couple of days
later I ran the marathon and that was
I had a couple days
off [ __ ] me was that a bad
sat and I thought no matter how much I
do for other
people I will never ever get what I want
at the end of
it all these miles I run all these miles
I cycle all these occasions I give up like
like
Christmas I give up my Christmas period
I feel like after I've done all that in
the hope that you know something's going
to happen I sit there at the end and I'm still
still
empty-handed so I remember waking up one
morning and I just supposed to sat in my
hotel room for
hours and um it was time to go
home and I thought I don't want to go home
so I checked out the
hotel and I
walked and I walked and I walked and I
walked it was near the docks can
remember it to a point where there was nobody
nobody
around you know no people no
traffic just me and a
bridge and
um I stood there for a second and I just
thought of my mom and I thought you know
before I do what I'm going to
do I need to message my mom I remember
writing this message thanking my mom for
everything telling her how much of a
beautiful person that she
is how I couldn't have got to the point
where I've got to now after what I've
been through without her and that I love
her more than anything in this world
and then I put my phone on my bag and I
climbed up onto the
wall and I stood
seconds just taking in the
air and what I was about to
do I'll tell you something now I ain't
scared of dying I'm not and it wasn't an
emotional decision to
minute I've hit the deck on my back not
that way but this way and I looked
up and there was like six Riot police I
HED up
everything and I remember getting up
yeah and I looked around and in my head
it was weird it was crazy and I remember
just scrapping and I'm scrapping these
police but these are big dudes they're
like Riot band police all all the gear
on yeah and we're throwing hands I'm
scrapping but as I'm scrapping officers they're
they're
crying imagine this imagine that imagine
I'm on a bridge one minute ready to jump
that way next I'm on my back and the
next minute I'm in a melee with Riot
yeah eventually you know
we were calm got my cuffs on you
know I'm in the back of the
van I'm still a bit out of sorts with
the whole thing I can't believe that I'm
in a van and you know not on the floor
the other side of the
drop and one of the police officers goes
to get in the the back of the van with
me and the other police officer said no
you can't he's too volatile you know
he's dangerous and the guy went no I got
to get in
and his police officer was in
tears and he's
saying I know who you
are you inspire me you've done so much
for this world that you can't do
this and he told me his
name his name is
Jesus imagine
that imagine that I'm a God-fearing man
you know I believe I pray
that's what gives me hope and this
police officer that pulled me down his
name is Jesus
and from that moment
on you
know that never became a part of my life
anymore after that moment it was very
humbling it was another embarrassing
moment because one thing that I choose
to do with my life is is I don't want to
hide anything
I don't want there to be no skeletons in my
my
closet I don't want to feel like people
are talking about me or know things
about me that I haven't said myself I
believe in order to be able to move on
from something or with something first
you need to accept that something and
acknowledge that something and then you
have the ability to carry it forward so
I had to go home and I had to tell you
know my family and my friends what just
like
personally it was
ashamed for so many different reasons
because up to this point everybody knew
how much pain I was in everybody knew
how much I miss my
daughter but everybody
also knew how strong I was you're doing
these Thousand Mile rides you're running
the marathons you're the guy that's
doing the things well I was a beacon of
strength not only for you know people
that follow me but for my
family you know because I was strong
everybody became
strong everybody looked to me for
strength everybody came around me for
strength for Hope for
it was painful
painful
because you
know the realization for
me that I nearly out of my own choice
put my mom through a feeling that I'm
going through
now is bad did she see the message
but not in that message that I say that
I was standing on the
bridge did you think that there was something
yeah you know it was a difficult moment
for everybody around me at that
difficult it's
earning that
trust that respect
back not in terms of you know people
loving you because they they might
Always Love You earning that trust and
the respect back that people aren't
door that's difficult as a man do you
think that they're still worried about you
think I
think more so at the minute well
listen I'm very emotionally intelligent
yeah I understand things I'm also very
honest and transparent so I think the
people around me have a clear
understanding of how I'm feeling a lot
of the time and especially as more
things happen or I complete more
challenges or I experience more new
emotions I find ways to speak about them
I find ways to explain them I find ways
to you know deliver them to people
around me for me number one to get the
weight off my shoulders but also to help
other people to not feel like they're
alone maybe they feel like that you know
know
so I like to think now that they don't
worry about the aspect ector of things
because I think I've proved a lot since that
day I've achieved a lot since that day
I've spoke a lot since that day and that
day made me realize something that that
way sometimes on this journey a lot of
things are confusing
Chris you know a lot of like like a lot
of the time in my life after that event
happened I was confused about a lot of
things the world wasn't the same imagine
a lot of people yeah a lot of people
that go they go oh God that weeks flew
by that Year's gone so
quick I
feel every second of every single day my
time is is like this
now and I spend a lot of time inside my
own head I spend a lot of time self
analyzing situations feelings emotions I
work out you know what makes me feel a
certain way I work out the best way to
combat that I find out you know ways of
increasing my mental
strength I'm like this all the time and
I also speak to a lot of different
people as well so I kind of try and work
myself out based on
experiences um I remember after that moment
moment
again because I thought I can't believe
I nearly did that you know I can't
believe I nearly put my mom through the
same pain that I'm going
through because I was sure you know
after that moment and after the signs of
why it didn't happen that I needed to be
here that I do have a
purpose I thought you know what Ash
yeah what are you what are you most
scared of in this world now and I'm not
scared about much you know I'm not I'm
not scared SC of dying it doesn't fase
me you know I thought I'm scared of
heights though I don't like
heights I thought I suffer from vertigo
when I get high if I put my hand over a
balcony like that I feel like I'm going
to drop my phone everything gets weird
so I thought all right then as you want to
jump you jump
properly so a week after I nearly took
my own
life I
went abroad and I got my skydiving
license and I jumped 20 times in a week
out of a
plane at my most vulnerable stage of my life
life
mentally I went and did something which
would challenge me more than anything
else I could ever think of doing
doing
and it was one of the best things I ever
did again very humbling but again it
show me the growth and the importance of
stepping outside your comfort
it why are you doing all of this stuff
now why are you running all of these
races you explained to me about your
daily routine of a lunch which puts
David gogins for a bit of a run as well
all of these extreme events the things
that you're putting your body through
why who's the person that you care about the most in this
the most in this world name me one my mom
world name me one my mom yeah so someone came and took your
yeah so someone came and took your mom and put on a cloud in the
mom and put on a cloud in the sky and the only way that you could see
sky and the only way that you could see her
her again is if you built a tower
again is if you built a tower high enough to be able to bring her back
high enough to be able to bring her back down or to be with her again would you
down or to be with her again would you wake up tomorrow and wonder why you or
wake up tomorrow and wonder why you or would you get build
in I believe wow I hope that there is a
hope that there is a heaven I believe that if there
heaven I believe that if there is my daughter is there
and I love her that much that the hope of
much that the hope of Heaven and the hope of her being
Heaven and the hope of her being there motivates me to be as good a
there motivates me to be as good a person as I can be and Achieve as much
person as I can be and Achieve as much in this
in this world to help
world to help others and to make her
proud that in the end I hope that I've built enough steps to
I hope that I've built enough steps to see her
see her again I
again I hope and my drive purely is that when
hope and my drive purely is that when I'm on my
I'm on my deathbed I can have 5 Seconds Of Peace
deathbed I can have 5 Seconds Of Peace before I take my last
breaths knowing that I've done enough on this
this Earth that they open the gates of Heaven
Earth that they open the gates of Heaven for me when it's when reach there and
for me when it's when reach there and that's genuinely the truth are you
that's genuinely the truth are you concerned
concerned that some of the events that the
that some of the events that the approach that you're taking raising
approach that you're taking raising money you have a foundation you are
money you have a foundation you are wearing orange and cycling around the
wearing orange and cycling around the world doing stuff stand up paddle
world doing stuff stand up paddle boarding canoeing whatever it might be
boarding canoeing whatever it might be are you concerned that that might be
are you concerned that that might be causing you to not cope to not be able
causing you to not cope to not be able to integrate the emotions that you're
to integrate the emotions that you're going through that rather than just
going through that rather than just using it for good it's also you being
using it for good it's also you being able to run away from
able to run away from facing more of those
facing more of those demons I love it when people ask me that
demons I love it when people ask me that or tell me that or think that might be
or tell me that or think that might be the case it's very
the case it's very interesting I would say to anybody that
interesting I would say to anybody that asks me that knows
asks me that knows nothing about losing a child and knows
nothing about losing a child and knows nothing about the reason why would
nothing about the reason why would choose to do this
choose to do this I have never ever run away from the pain
I have never ever run away from the pain of losing a child I immerse myself in it
of losing a child I immerse myself in it I never want the pain of losing my
I never want the pain of losing my daughters to go away because that pain
daughters to go away because that pain is the only time I truly feel
is the only time I truly feel love I embrac that
love I embrac that pain I use that pain to push me further
pain I use that pain to push me further and further
and the reason why I challenged myself and the reason I pushed
and the reason I pushed myself is because when I'm feeling this
myself is because when I'm feeling this physical pain and when I have to take
physical pain and when I have to take myself to another level to complete one
myself to another level to complete one of these challenges that is when I
of these challenges that is when I connect with her the most that's when I
connect with her the most that's when I feel like she's truly with
feel like she's truly with me that's when I feel like I can look up
me that's when I feel like I can look up and say yo baby we did it
and say yo baby we did it again so I would say the poor
again so I would say the poor opposite when you look at my life
opposite when you look at my life yeah I you know I'm the founder and
yeah I you know I'm the founder and Trustee of my daughter's
Trustee of my daughter's Foundation that means that every day we
Foundation that means that every day we are talking about either
are talking about either children that are no longer getting
children that are no longer getting treatment on the NHS that we're trying
treatment on the NHS that we're trying to give money to we talking about new
to give money to we talking about new trials or new treatments that are
trials or new treatments that are available which we can invest money to
available which we can invest money to new
new equipment the foundation's also got a
equipment the foundation's also got a PhD fund now which funds new talent and
PhD fund now which funds new talent and research coming into childood cancer I
research coming into childood cancer I visit kids with cancer I go
visit kids with cancer I go towards where my daughter actually was
towards where my daughter actually was actually going back into the same room
actually going back into the same room that my daughter was you know on a
that my daughter was you know on a weekly
weekly basis I visit my daughter
basis I visit my daughter at a resting place every single night
at a resting place every single night that I'm at
that I'm at home I raise money I speak to her every
home I raise money I speak to her every day I push myself to the absolute limit
day I push myself to the absolute limit I not only try and create a more
I not only try and create a more positive and safer space for parents as
positive and safer space for parents as well that are going through the same
well that are going through the same thing as me but people that are actually
thing as me but people that are actually suffering with their Mental Health
I guess I'm not running away from anything I'm running directly and head
anything I'm running directly and head on into all of my pain into all of my
on into all of my pain into all of my trauma into all of the things that are
trauma into all of the things that are trying to hold me
trying to hold me down and I'll run head on into it
because I feel like I found a way to harness
harness that to push me further than I would
that to push me further than I would have ever gone
before what would you say to anybody that's grieving now that's
to anybody that's grieving now that's going through that process one of the
going through that process one of the things that we can all guarantee in life
things that we can all guarantee in life is that the people that we love some of
is that the people that we love some of them are going to pass away before us
them are going to pass away before us and we're going to have to deal with
and we're going to have to deal with that process as somebody that spent an
that process as somebody that spent an awfully long time sat in the saddle of a
awfully long time sat in the saddle of a bike sat in a hospital
bike sat in a hospital Ward reflecting on
Ward reflecting on Grief what do you wish that you'd known
Grief what do you wish that you'd known or what would you tell other
or what would you tell other people I'm going to try and smile when I
people I'm going to try and smile when I speak about this seems like a crazy
speak about this seems like a crazy thing to say
thing to say right
um one thing that is certain in this world is you know everyone that's born
world is you know everyone that's born is going to die that means that every
is going to die that means that every single person on this planet is going to
single person on this planet is going to experience some form of grief
experience some form of grief I've never been a person to run away
I've never been a person to run away from those emotions you know and I never
from those emotions you know and I never believe that you know it gets easier
believe that you know it gets easier people always say grief gets
people always say grief gets easier I believe that the circle of
easier I believe that the circle of grief always stays the
grief always stays the same I just believe that we grow
same I just believe that we grow stronger around
stronger around it I would always advise people
it I would always advise people to
to talk about the loved ones that they've
talk about the loved ones that they've lost
lost I would always encourage people to
I would always encourage people to settle into every single emotion that
settle into every single emotion that they're feeling and not try and hide it
they're feeling and not try and hide it or not try and run away from
or not try and run away from it I would say to people that you know
it I would say to people that you know what even though your grief is painful
what even though your grief is painful and even though your grief
and even though your grief hurts it can also be the most
hurts it can also be the most beautiful time of your life the most
beautiful time of your life the most beautiful moments that you have left
beautiful moments that you have left because all the pain that you're feeling
because all the pain that you're feeling now is because of beautiful memories of
now is because of beautiful memories of the person that you love and the person
the person that you love and the person that you've
lost I think that my grief has become a part of my
that my grief has become a part of my life and like I say I've never tried to
life and like I say I've never tried to run away from it I've never tried to
run away from it I've never tried to compress it I don't even wish that it's
compress it I don't even wish that it's not there because I am quite happy and
not there because I am quite happy and settled and grieving for the rest of my
settled and grieving for the rest of my life because I know that I grow stronger
life because I know that I grow stronger every single day around that grief I
every single day around that grief I know that within my grief is my purpose
know that within my grief is my purpose I know that within my pain is my power I
I know that within my pain is my power I know that from my struggle I found my
know that from my struggle I found my strength and I don't think
people should hide that you know one thing that I do I remember going on the
thing that I do I remember going on the run the other day yeah and is this
run the other day yeah and is this circuit and it I went to this circuit
circuit and it I went to this circuit where people run it's like a 5 Mile Loop
where people run it's like a 5 Mile Loop and everyone's like a how far you
and everyone's like a how far you running today you know 5K whatever I
running today you know 5K whatever I said I you know 30 mil like 30k and 30
said I you know 30 mil like 30k and 30 miles and I went to this um this tackle
miles and I went to this um this tackle shop cuz it was by Lake you know fishing
shop cuz it was by Lake you know fishing and I said oh can I leave my bag to you
and I said oh can I leave my bag to you and he said I'm about to shut up in a
and he said I'm about to shut up in a minute sorry and then he said um he
minute sorry and then he said um he asked if I was running and I said yeah
asked if I was running and I said yeah 30 miles he goes 30 miles and I yeah and
30 miles he goes 30 miles and I yeah and I told him a little bit about the
I told him a little bit about the journey and anyway I started running I
journey and anyway I started running I was about 2 and 1 half miles in no I was
was about 2 and 1 half miles in no I was about 2 miles in and I thought
about 2 miles in and I thought [ __ ] I told him I was running I told him
[ __ ] I told him I was running I told him why I was running but I didn't tell him
why I was running but I didn't tell him my daughter's
my daughter's name and I turned back and I ran 2 miles
name and I turned back and I ran 2 miles back yeah as fast as I could just he was
back yeah as fast as I could just he was about to lock up and I went by the way
about to lock up and I went by the way mate you what I went my daughter's name
mate you what I went my daughter's name is iselia and he
is iselia and he went okay beautiful name and I went yeah
went okay beautiful name and I went yeah thanks and then I went back and done my
thanks and then I went back and done my run I Ran 2 miles extra just because I
run I Ran 2 miles extra just because I had to run back and tell him my name
had to run back and tell him my name that's because that's important to me I
that's because that's important to me I think it's important to also normalize
think it's important to also normalize you know this topic of
you know this topic of grief we're all going to experience it
grief we're all going to experience it so the subject shouldn't be
so the subject shouldn't be taboo just like mental health you know
taboo just like mental health you know grief can fall into that category people
grief can fall into that category people talk about anxiety people talk about
talk about anxiety people talk about depression grief falls into that and
depression grief falls into that and grief causes anxiety causes depression
grief causes anxiety causes depression you know the root cause of the grief is
you know the root cause of the grief is trauma it all falls into mental health I
trauma it all falls into mental health I think it's a part that we should talk
think it's a part that we should talk about because I found out and one thing
about because I found out and one thing that I know now is when people had lost
that I know now is when people had lost somebody
somebody before I was um I was a criminal of kind
before I was um I was a criminal of kind of thinking it's really awkward to be
of thinking it's really awkward to be around that person don't know what to
around that person don't know what to say I don't want to make them upset I
say I don't want to make them upset I don't want to offend them
don't want to offend them yeah what I find out now
is those people really do want to talk about the memories they have people do
about the memories they have people do really want to say the person's name of
really want to say the person's name of the person they lost people do want to
the person they lost people do want to reminisce and relive those good times
reminisce and relive those good times but it's hard to find people around them
but it's hard to find people around them that will allow that so not only would I
that will allow that so not only would I say to the people that have loved them
say to the people that have loved them and lost that they should talk about
and lost that they should talk about their loved ones and not run away from
their loved ones and not run away from it I'd also say if you want to be a good
it I'd also say if you want to be a good friend or a good family member be there
friend or a good family member be there for that person to listen
for that person to listen to what are the events that you are
to what are the events that you are focused on over the coming
years so what this year or okay um so like I said in my eulogy I said to the
like I said in my eulogy I said to the top of Every Mountain to the bottom of
top of Every Mountain to the bottom of every Valley along every road across
every Valley along every road across every ocean I mean one of the big goals
every ocean I mean one of the big goals for me is it's not in the planning yet
for me is it's not in the planning yet but I know I'll do it is um I want to
but I know I'll do it is um I want to climb the seven highest mountains in the
climb the seven highest mountains in the seven
seven continents the whole point of that is to
continents the whole point of that is to tell my daughter I lover from the seven
tell my daughter I lover from the seven highest parts of this world you
highest parts of this world you know but this year you know next weekend
know but this year you know next weekend I've got 125 M kayak race which is 24 to
I've got 125 M kayak race which is 24 to 30 hours that should be fun but this is
30 hours that should be fun but this is It's just training really for the
It's just training really for the Thousand Mile kite race I've got in July
Thousand Mile kite race I've got in July which is supposed to be the world's
which is supposed to be the world's toughest surviving endurance race it's
toughest surviving endurance race it's from Canada to the Arctic Circle to
from Canada to the Arctic Circle to Alaska and it's completely unsupported
Alaska and it's completely unsupported so you kak for 18 hours a day find a
so you kak for 18 hours a day find a place to pull
place to pull in Pitch up your tent sleep for 4
in Pitch up your tent sleep for 4 hours get back on the next day you've
hours get back on the next day you've got an hour to eat obviously the problem
got an hour to eat obviously the problem is with it being supported is if you're
is with it being supported is if you're on a river that's 10 Mi wide 5 miles
on a river that's 10 Mi wide 5 miles wide and you go
in you ain't coming out if you're near the side and you're
out if you're near the side and you're going hypothermia kicks in it'll take
going hypothermia kicks in it'll take them two days to come and rescue you too
them two days to come and rescue you too late if you happen to pitch your tent
late if you happen to pitch your tent near a bunch of grizzly bears it's game
near a bunch of grizzly bears it's game over so there's fatalities every year
over so there's fatalities every year the guy said how many people do that I
the guy said how many people do that I don't
don't know how many people enter the race you
know how many people enter the race you don't know I I don't know literally you
don't know I I don't know literally you want to know how my life is I literally
want to know how my life is I literally got a call um off you know one of my
got a call um off you know one of my friends and she said that she's got a PT
friends and she said that she's got a PT who's ex-military who's into kayin and
who's ex-military who's into kayin and he wants to go big this year and he
he wants to go big this year and he wants to complete the Yukon 1000 he
wants to complete the Yukon 1000 he hasn't got a partner for the race and I
hasn't got a partner for the race and I mentioned you to him and and I said
mentioned you to him and and I said there you
there you know you're driven you're determined you
know you're driven you're determined you don't
don't quit and he said he like to speedia I
quit and he said he like to speedia I picked up the phone didn't know him
picked up the phone didn't know him spoke to him he said you want to do
spoke to him he said you want to do this and hundreds of things flash before
this and hundreds of things flash before me before my answer quick like that
me before my answer quick like that done I thought to myself you
done I thought to myself you know I don't know this guy from Adam
know I don't know this guy from Adam don't know if we'll get on that's a
don't know if we'll get on that's a minor problem
minor problem I also thought that I could go out there
I also thought that I could go out there and not come back that's a huge
and not come back that's a huge possibility but I remember when I lost
possibility but I remember when I lost my daughter yeah
my daughter yeah and this goes on to this point of making
and this goes on to this point of making this
this decision I'd spent you know 6 months in
decision I'd spent you know 6 months in hospital I hadn't worked I didn't earn
hospital I hadn't worked I didn't earn no money when my daughter passed it
no money when my daughter passed it wasn't like it was the first thing I
wasn't like it was the first thing I wanted to do to go go back to work and
wanted to do to go go back to work and earn
earn money that being said I was getting
money that being said I was getting offered a lot of money you know I was
offered a lot of money you know I was getting offer 20,000 pound to post a
getting offer 20,000 pound to post a picture on Instagram I said
picture on Instagram I said no I didn't want to promote this table
no I didn't want to promote this table cuz I wouldn't have this
cuz I wouldn't have this table I was thinking my life is that
table I was thinking my life is that important for me going forward and I a
important for me going forward and I a man on the mission that if I take money
man on the mission that if I take money to promote this table
to promote this table now how about when I actually have a
now how about when I actually have a message that I want to say to the people
message that I want to say to the people people ain't going to be able to take me
people ain't going to be able to take me seriously so I went into a bit of a
seriously so I went into a bit of a financial crisis you know I refused to
financial crisis you know I refused to take money that wasn't good money I
take money that wasn't good money I believe that not every bit of money that
believe that not every bit of money that crosses this Palm is good money and I
crosses this Palm is good money and I don't need to snatch and take it you
don't need to snatch and take it you know I was 7 months into quitting
know I was 7 months into quitting alcohol I was out running cycling and
alcohol I was out running cycling and swimming ridiculous miles a day for
swimming ridiculous miles a day for nothing just because I wanted to be
nothing just because I wanted to be outside and I wanted to be my daughter
outside and I wanted to be my daughter you know I was doing these challenges I
you know I was doing these challenges I was RA I was working on the foundation I
was RA I was working on the foundation I was raising money for these kids I was
was raising money for these kids I was speaking to people that were suffering
speaking to people that were suffering from their mental health I was doing all
from their mental health I was doing all of this just for free even though I had
of this just for free even though I had nothing you know and I remember at that
nothing you know and I remember at that point I got down on my knees and I said
point I got down on my knees and I said to God I was like I'm I'm I'm
to God I was like I'm I'm I'm ready you know I'm at the point now you
ready you know I'm at the point now you know I can't even really put I can't put
know I can't even really put I can't put a roof over my head you know I can't
a roof over my head you know I can't can't put a roof over my head you know
can't put a roof over my head you know I'm struggling to to put food on the
I'm struggling to to put food on the table to eat you know
table to eat you know I I've gave up this money which isn't
I I've gave up this money which isn't good money I've sacrificed my time for
good money I've sacrificed my time for this Foundation to raise money to raise
this Foundation to raise money to raise awareness I've gave up drinking I don't
awareness I've gave up drinking I don't go
go out please please I'm
out please please I'm ready and that's when the chances
ready and that's when the chances started coming
started coming so when I was on the official Zoom
so when I was on the official Zoom meeting to to you know pitch myself to
meeting to to you know pitch myself to get this race and the race organizer
get this race and the race organizer said like you know are you ready to to
said like you know are you ready to to go and he told me there's going to be
go and he told me there's going to be fatalities every
fatalities every year I
year I thought if I don't say
thought if I don't say yes then what is that saying to my
yes then what is that saying to my daughter during that talk in a uy what
daughter during that talk in a uy what is that saying to God when I got down on
is that saying to God when I got down on my knees with open hands but most
my knees with open hands but most importantly what is that saying to
importantly what is that saying to myself when I'm brushing my teeth and
myself when I'm brushing my teeth and I'm looking at the man that's looking
I'm looking at the man that's looking back in the mirror before I go to
back in the mirror before I go to bed so I said let's [ __ ] go bring it
bed so I said let's [ __ ] go bring it on because you know when Al is my
on because you know when Al is my daughter going to get to go from Canada
daughter going to get to go from Canada to the Arctic Circle to Alaska he when
to the Arctic Circle to Alaska he when am I going to get that chance again and
am I going to get that chance again and I believe that you know if we go and we
I believe that you know if we go and we come back boy I'm on a whole different
come back boy I'm on a whole different level I've raised awareness I've raised
level I've raised awareness I've raised funds I've put my money where my mouth
funds I've put my money where my mouth was it I put my money where my mouth is
was it I put my money where my mouth is um and if I
um and if I don't she obviously needs me back and
don't she obviously needs me back and that's good enough for
that's good enough for me what's the message that you want
me what's the message that you want people to take away beyond your love for
people to take away beyond your love for your daughter beyond your relationship
your daughter beyond your relationship with that and that grief
God there is so many messages within it number one you
know I would always say to people you know in this world if you ask they say
know in this world if you ask they say if you ask a healthy man you know what
if you ask a healthy man you know what he wants you know he'll talk about cars
he wants you know he'll talk about cars he'll talk about houses He he'll talk
he'll talk about houses He he'll talk about women he'll talk about all of
about women he'll talk about all of these things is if you ask an unhealthy
these things is if you ask an unhealthy man or a sick man what he wants he'll
man or a sick man what he wants he'll say one thing and that's Health you know
say one thing and that's Health you know one of my strongest messages to people
is appreciate what you have right in front of
front of you you know I'm living a life now where
you you know I'm living a life now where the only one thing that I want in this
the only one thing that I want in this world has been snatched away from me but
world has been snatched away from me but having said that when she was here in in
having said that when she was here in in front of me in that hospital room I
front of me in that hospital room I loved and appreciated every single
loved and appreciated every single second and I loved and appreciated that
second and I loved and appreciated that moment so
moment so much that that will fill my heart for
much that that will fill my heart for the rest of my life so I would always
the rest of my life so I would always say to people appreciate what you have
say to people appreciate what you have right in front of
right in front of you I would also like to say that you
you I would also like to say that you know no matter what you are going
know no matter what you are going through in life how sad you are how much
through in life how sad you are how much pain you're feeling the trauma that
pain you're feeling the trauma that you're going
you're going through you are strong enough to see
through you are strong enough to see another day and it's not about being
another day and it's not about being 100% every single
100% every single day it's about just showing
day it's about just showing up that's what I do no matter what the
up that's what I do no matter what the odds no matter how I'm feeling I show up
odds no matter how I'm feeling I show up every single
every single day and by showing up every single day
day and by showing up every single day and doing what I
and doing what I do I believe it gives me more than
do I believe it gives me more than happiness I think happiness is rubbish I
happiness I think happiness is rubbish I don't think there's no such thing as
don't think there's no such thing as happiness I believe we have happy
happiness I believe we have happy moments I believe we have happy memories
moments I believe we have happy memories and I believe we have happy places I
and I believe we have happy places I don't believe there's any such thing as
don't believe there's any such thing as happiness because there's so many things
happiness because there's so many things in this world on a day-to-day basis that
in this world on a day-to-day basis that want to go bang and take the wind out of
want to go bang and take the wind out of your
sales but what I choose to do is rather than looking out for temporary forms of
than looking out for temporary forms of validation or things that I can get to
validation or things that I can get to make me
make me happy I've become competent in doing
happy I've become competent in doing what's
what's necessary so the fact that no matter
necessary so the fact that no matter what is up against me I believe that not
what is up against me I believe that not only can I do it or have the courage to
only can I do it or have the courage to do it I have the strength to see it
do it I have the strength to see it through and then
through and then afterwards I build
afterwards I build selfworth I be build
selfworth I be build self-belief I have fulfillment which I
self-belief I have fulfillment which I believe far outweighs
believe far outweighs happiness I think that most of people's
happiness I think that most of people's mental health issues or a lot of
mental health issues or a lot of people's mental health issues sorry
people's mental health issues sorry these
these days is because they have no
days is because they have no self-worth I believe they have no
self-worth I believe they have no self-confidence especially
self-confidence especially men I believe that they're they're
men I believe that they're they're looking for Saturday night going out to
looking for Saturday night going out to pick up a drink and try and find a woman
pick up a drink and try and find a woman to make them feel
to make them feel happy rather than turning up every
happy rather than turning up every single
single day one thing that changed about my life
day one thing that changed about my life is I start every day the same I wake up
is I start every day the same I wake up every single
every single morning that drunken man that was
morning that drunken man that was ashamed of himself
ashamed of himself is his daugh watched down from heaven
is his daugh watched down from heaven and what I choose to do is earn my
and what I choose to do is earn my respect every single
respect every single day and for me from other people that
day and for me from other people that might look as being very intense for me
might look as being very intense for me it works because I go to bed every
it works because I go to bed every single evening and I look in the mirror
single evening and I look in the mirror and I just
and I just think you know what you did all right
think you know what you did all right today what's a typical day look like for
you typical day okay so say yesterday so yesterday I got up at 5:00
yesterday so yesterday I got up at 5:00 a.m. cuz I had to travel back from
a.m. cuz I had to travel back from another
another city um I got back about
city um I got back about 6 and then I didn't have time to have
6 and then I didn't have time to have breakfast because my two running
breakfast because my two running Partners wanted to go out on a run so I
Partners wanted to go out on a run so I stopped up at a petrol station got a
stopped up at a petrol station got a flapjack and we had a 20 mile run um I
flapjack and we had a 20 mile run um I finished the 20 my run and then I had to
finished the 20 my run and then I had to go and do my strength and conditioning
go and do my strength and conditioning session because I need to look after my
session because I need to look after my body so it's not lifting weights it's
body so it's not lifting weights it's just working on all those little shitty
just working on all those little shitty areas to stop me getting injuries so I
areas to stop me getting injuries so I done an hour
done an hour snc
snc there um then I did an hour of
there um then I did an hour of stretching and
stretching and Mobility because I needed to
Mobility because I needed to recover then I went back home and I did
recover then I went back home and I did 2 3 hours of meetings in terms of the
2 3 hours of meetings in terms of the foundation in terms of my new book that
foundation in terms of my new book that I have coming out in terms of a new show
I have coming out in terms of a new show that I have to go
that I have to go on then I did an hour on the kayak
on then I did an hour on the kayak UG and then I went and swam 1,000
UG and then I went and swam 1,000 M and then I got back and I carried on
work what time was up until I think I went to sleep probably
until I think I went to sleep probably about
about 12:00 then I got up at 5:00 a.m. to
12:00 then I got up at 5:00 a.m. to travel to get my session in before I
travel to get my session in before I traveled here today to do this I my my
traveled here today to do this I my my day is blend into so many different
day is blend into so many different projects it's like I've got a a game for
projects it's like I've got a a game for my this this is how varied it could be
my this this is how varied it could be I've got you know a new TV show that's
I've got you know a new TV show that's out at the minute exploring the
out at the minute exploring the different faces of grief so there's a
different faces of grief so there's a lot of work with that um I've got a new
lot of work with that um I've got a new show that's been out on BBC then another
show that's been out on BBC then another show that I've got that that I'm going
show that I've got that that I'm going to be in very soon I've got my book
to be in very soon I've got my book coming out I've got about four or five
coming out I've got about four or five hours a day of training that I need to
hours a day of training that I need to do I've got a game that's commemorating
do I've got a game that's commemorating my daughter's life and you know that's
my daughter's life and you know that's going to be for a 2-year anniversary on
going to be for a 2-year anniversary on the 5th of May at CBS Arena where I used
the 5th of May at CBS Arena where I used to be a pro footballer there's just so
to be a pro footballer there's just so many different things on a day-to-day
many different things on a day-to-day basis that I feel like I speak to about
basis that I feel like I speak to about you know I speak to about 30 to 50
you know I speak to about 30 to 50 people a day I try and compile in my
people a day I try and compile in my training I try and compile in my
training I try and compile in my recovery and if I have time you know I
recovery and if I have time you know I get a little bit of food in between that
get a little bit of food in between that and then you know I I
and then you know I I sleep truthfully 4 to 5 hours a night
sleep truthfully 4 to 5 hours a night before I'm up the next day out of bed
before I'm up the next day out of bed and ready to go again um like I say for
and ready to go again um like I say for me the sleep thing isn't the sleep thing
me the sleep thing isn't the sleep thing isn't like because I'm trying to I'm
isn't like because I'm trying to I'm setting my alarm and I'm getting up
setting my alarm and I'm getting up that's what time I get up in fact it was
that's what time I get up in fact it was even early this morning it's probably
even early this morning it's probably about 20 4 I just get up it's not cuz I
about 20 4 I just get up it's not cuz I want to I'd love to be a to sleep more I
want to I'd love to be a to sleep more I don't then when I'm up I always tell my
don't then when I'm up I always tell my management I say like
management I say like if if I haven't got anything in the hour
if if I haven't got anything in the hour B me something in you know if it's
B me something in you know if it's Tuesday and you feel like Tuesday might
Tuesday and you feel like Tuesday might be my day off fill it up I don't want
be my day off fill it up I don't want the time I hate the time I never think
the time I hate the time I never think about I'm going to book a nice holiday I
about I'm going to book a nice holiday I never think about you know I want to go
never think about you know I want to go for food this weekend you got a lovely
for food this weekend you got a lovely trip coming away up to the Arctic so
trip coming away up to the Arctic so again you a lovely trip coming your way
again you a lovely trip coming your way up to the ark that is holiday exactly
up to the ark that is holiday exactly that and I think you know it's all just
that and I think you know it's all just stages I I'm
stages I I'm not I will say this I you know number
not I will say this I you know number one I wouldn't claim to be you
one I wouldn't claim to be you know a mental health expert I wouldn't
know a mental health expert I wouldn't also claim to be the best marathon
also claim to be the best marathon runner or ultra marathon
runner or ultra marathon runner I wouldn't say oh I've raised the
runner I wouldn't say oh I've raised the most money for
most money for charity you
charity you know I don't try and pretend that I'm
know I don't try and pretend that I'm the toughest man in this world
the toughest man in this world or I don't try and make the most money
or I don't try and make the most money what I try and do is I try and do what I
what I try and do is I try and do what I feel is right for me every single day
feel is right for me every single day and I just speak honest open and
and I just speak honest open and transparent about that and hope that you
transparent about that and hope that you know me speaking and my openness can
know me speaking and my openness can help as many people on their Journeys as
well you've mentioned that you're not dating at the moment yeah that's not
dating at the moment yeah that's not something that you're fussed with have
something that you're fussed with have you ever considered whether you'd have
you ever considered whether you'd have another
child it's um it's a difficult one like I've said to you before about
one like I've said to you before about the dating thing it's not it's not like
the dating thing it's not it's not like I'm going to be naive and say
I'm going to be naive and say say I'm never going to have another kid
say I'm never going to have another kid I don't
I don't know at the minute I finally thought of
know at the minute I finally thought of it hard for a few different
reasons I'm a very loving person I've got a massive heart you
got a massive heart you know I have love and I have respect for
know I have love and I have respect for every single person that I meet on a
every single person that I meet on a day-to-day basis but if you're my family
day-to-day basis but if you're my family or you're my
baby my love is is uncontainable
uncontainable now for that reason I think it would be
now for that reason I think it would be hard for me to think of having another
hard for me to think of having another child at the minute and the reason
child at the minute and the reason is they say that you know you don't know
is they say that you know you don't know how much you love something until it's
how much you love something until it's gone or you don't know how much you
gone or you don't know how much you going to miss something until it's gone
going to miss something until it's gone yeah imagine that but you're fearing
yeah imagine that but you're fearing you're going to lose that something
you're going to lose that something every second of every single
every second of every single day I was like this and my
day I was like this and my daughter all
daughter all day I loved her I wanted her you know I
day I loved her I wanted her you know I wanted to switch
wanted to switch places it felt like I knew her for a 100
places it felt like I knew her for a 100 years and the fact that I thought I was
years and the fact that I thought I was going to lose her every single
going to lose her every single second multiplied My Love by a
million so it's not I believe that I feel like I couldn't
I believe that I feel like I couldn't have another
kid I just feel that this current stage of time it would be unfair for me to
of time it would be unfair for me to have another child knowing that I
have another child knowing that I wouldn't be able to love it as much as I
wouldn't be able to love it as much as I do as
Alia that's the honest truth I haven't quite got my head around
truth I haven't quite got my head around that one
that one yet I like to be fair you know and it's
yet I like to be fair you know and it's like animals out of animals yeah but I
like animals out of animals yeah but I couldn't have have an animal because I
couldn't have have an animal because I know that I couldn't give it the time
know that I couldn't give it the time that it requires I would never just have
that it requires I would never just have an animal to have it as a pet I I love
an animal to have it as a pet I I love whatever is around me you know and for
whatever is around me you know and for me I just think it it would be unfair on
me I just think it it would be unfair on the child at the minute for me to have
the child at the minute for me to have another child when I know that I
another child when I know that I couldn't possibly love it as much as I
couldn't possibly love it as much as I love my
love my daughter who's in the
sky Ash I very much appreciate your openness your
very much appreciate your openness your honesty the difference from the last
honesty the difference from the last time that we spoke to now
time that we spoke to now is very Stark I don't want to say that I
is very Stark I don't want to say that I don't
don't know what you went through is something
know what you went through is something that would be wished on anyone but it
that would be wished on anyone but it definitely seems like it's landed on if
definitely seems like it's landed on if it was going to be on someone you seem
it was going to be on someone you seem to have the capacity to have been able
to have the capacity to have been able to deal with it it would have been
to deal with it it would have been enough to have crushed anybody and
enough to have crushed anybody and almost including yourself
almost including yourself but coming out the other
side Alchemy is turning something that's useless into gold and that kind of seems
useless into gold and that kind of seems what's happening now I very much
what's happening now I very much appreciate you today thank you very much
appreciate you today thank you very much mate if people want to keep up to date
mate if people want to keep up to date with the stuff that you do if they want
with the stuff that you do if they want to find out more about the
to find out more about the foundations where should they
foundations where should they come so they can head to my Instagram
come so they can head to my Instagram which is Mr Ashley Kane m r a s h l y c
which is Mr Ashley Kane m r a s h l y c a r n and then to keep with the
a r n and then to keep with the foundation it's the aelia foundation and
foundation it's the aelia foundation and aelia is spell AZ a y l i
aelia is spell AZ a y l i a ash I appreciate you thank you what's
a ash I appreciate you thank you what's happening people thank you very much for
happening people thank you very much for tuning in if you enjoyed that episode
tuning in if you enjoyed that episode then press here for a selection of the
then press here for a selection of the best clips from the podcast over the
best clips from the podcast over the last few weeks and don't forget to
last few weeks and don't forget to subscribe peace
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