goes, "Yeah, I bet that guy's having sex tonight."
tonight."
Whoa. Great way both sides to make sure
your partner never even watches a movie
with you again, by the way. And as those
passive aggressive comments get worse
and worse and worse,
everybody begins to shut down because
now you're developing overwhelming pain
and cortisol and anger and resentment.
Even if before you were just lonely, now
you're hurt and angry. This is
weaponizing your pain against your
partner. Now, a lot of times all these
six mistakes lead up to mistake number
seven, scorekeeping in the bedroom.
tracking who initiated last time,
keeping calendars of rejection, asking
why don't you want me the way I want
you. There was one famous man on the
internet famous for having a spreadsheet
of how many times in a year his wife
said no. If you remember that, shout out
to that man. Tracking your rejection
from your partner. Yes, it hurts. But if
you're keeping obsessive score, it
becomes a transactional experience and
it creates heavy resentment and
pressure. Look, I understand the
instinct to protect yourself, but a
marriage is not a place where people
should have to protect themsel from each
other, if that's even a thing. You've
already failed at the beginning steps of
marriage. Marriage should have emotional
safety where you can talk to the other
person. We'll talk in a moment about how
to start reversing some of this, but
getting here is not just, "Oh, whoops. I
was anxious. He was avoidant. Doomed."
No. Getting here is a long system of
thousands of little choices that add up.
And there is hope. There is hope. Now,
there is one final mistake. Mistake
number eight, bonus secret mistake.
That's actually the root cause of all
the others. And if you don't fix that
one, you're going to keep falling into
these destructive patterns no matter how
hard you try to avoid them. Okay? And
before I reveal the final mistake, I
want you to understand something
important. These seven patterns, they
don't just happen randomly. They're
driven by your specific attachment
styles. And each style has predictable
ways of destroying intimacy. At the end
of this video, I'm going to share a
resource that shows you exactly how your
attachment style is sabotaging your sex
life and what to do about it. But first,
let me show you the mistake that creates
all the others. Now, the root cause
mistake number eight or number zero,
however you want to look at it, letting
childhood wounds govern your sex life.
Not fixing your attachment issues in
childhood means letting your childhood
wounds rearrange your entire sexual
script. If your nervous system is used
to chaos, freaking out, rejection,
disappointment, performing, you're going
to create those patterns inside your
bedroom. This leads to all the other
seven mistakes because your nervous
system drives you toward familiar
dysfunction rather than healthy
intimacy. Fixing those attachment issues
protects you from falling into these
destructive patterns because you're no
longer operating from childhood survival
mechanisms. Instead of the anxious
person walking in and drama dumping on
their partner, they share and then ask
in return and then share a connection
moment. And then instead of feeling like
they have to constantly get validation
through sex, they feel like let's share
a fun experience and sex is fun and
flowing for both partners. Instead of
the avoidant person walking in and only
connecting in the bedroom, they're
actually connecting everywhere. And they
build to where the bedroom is a shared
experience. And instead of outside being
cold and detached and guarded, they're
open and connected. And the emotional
intimacy is even more fulfilling than
the physical intimacy. They grow
together. Now, when you do all of that,
if there does hit a rough patch, instead
of passive aggressive comments, keeping
score, being angry and resentful, you
say, "Hey, something feels off. Does it
feel off to you? Can we fix it? I I I
want to work with this with you on this.
Let's build a sex life that's fun."
That's what fixing your attachment
brings. It undoes all of these mistakes,
okay? Fixing those attachment issues
protect you from falling into constant
destructive patterns. You're no longer
operating from survival. Now that you
know all seven eight mistakes,
understanding them isn't enough. You
need to know how to reverse the damage
and rebuild desire. So that's what I'm
going to show you here next. Now, the
neurobiological damage here is pretty
tough. These mistakes
cause a lot of pain in your partner's
brain. And first of all, it cuts off
oxytocin production, that bonding
hormone that actually creates most
long-term sexual desire. And as you cut
off oxytocin, you begin emotional
starvation. Partners feel depleted
rather than fulfilled. They pull in and
contract in a sort of famine mode where
they they reserve their emotional
calories, if you will. This then builds
cortisol associations where your
presence, as you begin hurting each
other, triggers stress
instead of pleasure. Now your partner
instead of that's that person I adore is
oh no here they come again.
Now this creates what we call
unintentional wounding. Each of these
mistakes creates wounding in the partner
where you're further hurting each other
probably without meaning to. Their
nervous system then starts associating
you with pain, obligation, stress,
sadness rather than pleasure, safety,
connection, joy. This is why just trying
harder with the same behaviors makes
things worse. Like we talked about in
mistake number five, having more sex.
Just doing it. No, you're reinforcing
the negative associations deeper and
deeper and deeper. So, just have more
sex isn't the answer here that you're
looking for. First, we've got to stop
the behaviors that are creating negative
associations immediately. I come in with
couples and I say, "Okay, what is
hurting each one of you?" will his
passive aggressive comments. You sir, if
you want to continue this marriage, stop
those behaviors immediately. I will show
you how to speak to her about your
concerns, your sadness, your hurt. But
the passive aggressive comments that
died when you were 15 years old. How old
are you now? 45. Stop. Don't do that.
Unless you want a divorce. Okay. Now,
what's hurting you? Well, it's when she
looks at me and then looks disgusted.
Ma'am, you need to stop the looks of
disgust or the eye rolling, there's
another one, at your husband. This is
destructive. You're not a 15-year-old
girl anymore. How old are you? 45. Okay,
that's in the past. That's got to be
done. If you want a divorce, keep
rolling your eyes at him and and
sneering at him. If you want to build a
marriage, this is how you're going to
have to treat each other going forward.
Okay? Stopping those behaviors, saying,
"This is what it will take. we will both
agree to put down our guns and stop
shooting at each other. As we stop the
cortisol association, we stop the bleed.
We at least stabilize the body. Okay.
Next comes rebuilding desire. And this
requires patience. You have to rewire
the neural pathways away from oh no, not
that person to okay, I could do this to
wow, I kind of want to to wow, I really
want to. And it takes time and patience.
Sometimes those pathways you're in,
couples come to me at 30 years of
marriage and it's been 29 years of
damaging pathways and they get mad when
they don't see results in one session.
Okay? No, you got to be a little bit
patient. I'm not talking years of
rebuilding, but you have to be patient
and caring with each other. Okay?
Understand that it will take time to
grow. Understand that it's going to take
more than five minutes to have sex again
and love it. Okay? It will take some
time. And then next comes focus on
creating positive experiences together
with your partner's nervous system.
Remember why you were attracted to each
other in the first place. Rebuild that
connection. Okay? Vasopressin is really
important for this. Vasopressin is the
bonding hormone that says, "You're my
ally. I trust you. I care about you." It
removes cortisol associations and
replaces it with deep trust and
connection. Now, that inspires the
desire for intense oxytocin bonding,
which then drives sexual arousal in
long-term relationships for men and
women. So, hey, what is hurting us? How
can we fix it? What can we do to build
connection? What would make us thrive?
Walking through a plan together and
seeing the results and talking about
them. This is not possible with insecure
attachment style at the beginning. You
have to learn these skills and then do
them. As you build that together, you
rebuild a loving, thriving sex life.
That's how you do it. Okay? Now, you now
understand a lot more about sexual
intimacy than most couples learn, even
in years of couples therapy. But
knowledge without action is going to be
worthless to you. So, here's exactly
what you need to do. Okay? If you
recognize yourself in these mistakes,
first, don't panic. These patterns
developed as ways to seek love and
connection. Your intentions were good,
even if the results were destructive.
Most people make these mistakes because
no one ever taught them how to have
healthy sexual intimacy in long-term
relationships. Do you remember when your
partner couldn't keep their hands off of
you? That hungry look. That person is
still in there, but right now, their
nervous system has learned to associate
you with obligation, stress, and
emotional work instead of pleasure and
desire. You didn't mean for this to
happen, but every day that you continue
these patterns, you're reinforcing those
negative associations.
You can get back to that place where
they can't wait to touch you, where the
passion feels effortless and natural,
where you both feel desired instead of
obligated. But it does require stopping
these eight mistakes and replacing them
with behaviors that create the
neurochemical conditions for desire to
flourish again. Now, here's what I want
you to do right now. I've created the
most comprehensive marriage
transformation system ever developed.
It's called How to Build a Secure
Marriage. This is a complete rewiring
for your relationship's neurobiological
foundation so that intimacy, trust, and
passion happen naturally instead of
feeling forced. Over 1,600 couples have
used this system to transform their
marriages from the brink of divorce to
deeper connection than they had even
during their honeymoon phase. In this
course, you'll learn how to create the
neurochemical conditions that your
partner naturally becomes more available
to you, more sexually interested, and
genuinely connected to you without
having to convince them or wait for them
to change first. The link for that
course is down in the description below.
Get your copy now. Don't let another day
pass making these mistakes when you
could be building the secure, passionate
marriage that you both deserve. I'm Adam
Lane Smith, the attachment specialist.
Thank you for joining me here today.
It's an honor to be able to talk with
you about this and thank you for your
trust. Please make sure you like,
comment, subscribe, pick up your copy of
that course, and come back for the next
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