The fear of commitment is not an irrational flaw but a rational signal indicating underlying issues within oneself or the relationship, such as inauthenticity, unmet needs, or unhealthy dynamics.
Mind Map
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hey guys I'm Heidi Priebe welcome back
to my Channel or welcome if this is your
first time here today on this channel I
am going to be talking about the fear of
commitment so if you are at all engaged
in the attachment style Community which
I'm guessing you are if you have found
your way here you will know that the
fear of commitment is something that is
often ascribed to avoidant leaning
attachment Styles whether that is the
dismissive avoidant or the fearful
avoidant and it's often talked about as
though it is random and irrational so
someone could be in the perfect
relationship they could have all of
their needs getting fulfilled they could
be perfectly happy and yet this fear of
commitment will just kind of crop up out
of nowhere because it's like this de
Factor character flaw that avoidant
leaning types have
and I am here to completely disagree
with that definition of the term
I believe strongly that the fear of
commitment is always a rational fear but
it's not the commitment itself that the
person is likely afraid of
so I would like to invite you to think
about in this video fear of commitment
as kind of similar to a food aversion if
you are someone who is not super in tune
with your emotions and who is not always
aware of what is and isn't working for
them in interpersonal relationships on a
conscious level it's kind of like eating
a smoothie where some ingredient within
the Smoothie is spoiled but because you
don't have good discernment about what
it is within that smoothie that is
upsetting your stomach you don't really
know why after a few times of having
that same smoothie you're suddenly
feeling averse to the entire thing and I
would like to suggest that the fear of
commitment in romantic relationships
specifically when we're looking at
people who air more avoidant on the
attachment Spectrum can be very similar
to having a food aversion so something
happens within the relationship that
you're uncomfortable with that may be
her hurts your feelings that you don't
want to engage with any further and yet
because you don't have good discernment
about what it is that hurts you
emotionally you start to feel adverse to
the entire relationship and when you
think about planning a future with that
person you might get that sense of
queasiness without understanding why and
so in this video we're not going to talk
about how to get rid of your fear of
commitment we're going to talk about how
to get in touch with what your fear is
telling you about which boundaries you
might need to have within your
relationships about how you may be
showing up inside of the relationship in
a way that you don't like and about what
is actually important for you within a
relationship that you may be neglecting
at this point so again this isn't about
getting rid of the fear it's about
listening to the fear and letting it
inform you about which ingredients you
need to take out of that smoothie so
that it starts going down more easily
step one is to stop Gaslight lighting
yourself and pretending that your fear
is irrational and coming out of nowhere
so the number one thing I'm going to ask
you to consider about the fear of
commitment is the possibility that it's
not the other person you're necessarily
afraid of committing to long term it's
probably the version of yourself that
you are within the relationship with
that other person that you're afraid of
committing to long term
so something I want to note here is that
again we often see the fear of
commitment as kind of an avoidant
problem I don't believe that's fully
true I believe someone who's just a
little bit avoidant is not going to have
a huge fear of commitment because
they're not distorting their identity
that strongly to be in relationship but
if you have someone who is severely
avoidant or anxious because it is
absolutely a massive Spectrum you are
going to have a person on either side of
that Spectrum at the extreme ends who is
massively distorting their personality
and who they authentically are in order
to be an attachment relationships they
will be doing it for different reasons
but both those people will be operating
under a very false Persona now how does
this relate back to the fear of
commitment if you are significantly
distorting who you are and playing a
role that is not completely authentic to
your true embodied experience of being
alive in attachment relationships you
are naturally going to start fearing a
future of having to always play that
role so some good questions to start off
asking yourself if you notice a fear of
commitment coming online for you in a
relationship that you would like to
commit to long term might be in which
ways am I not showing up authentically
in this relationship what parts of
myself do I lie about or keep hidden on
a regular basis in order to stay in
comfortable connection with this other
person who am I pretending to be that
I'm not
so again secure people bring their whole
selves into romantic relationships yeah
they put their best foot forward at
first but even then they're relatively
open and straightforward about the
things that those of us who air more
insecurely attached are guarding with
our absolute lives in attachment
relationships so a thought experiment to
do around this is think about what the
differences are between the way that you
show up when you are either alone with
yourself or with someone who you feel
like you're completely authentic around
like if you happen to have and not
everyone will a close friend or someone
else in your life who you just do not
think before you speak around what are
the differences between the way that you
show up in that relationship and the way
that you show up in a romantic
relationship or when you feel kind of
exhausted and like you need a break from
your romantic relationship what energy
inside of yourself is it that you want a
break from what is the social role
you're playing that you want a break
from playing the more clear you can get
on that the more you can start to do
that work of isolating that ingredient
right what is it about the way I am
showing up that I don't like and that my
body is having an instinctive fear
response to at the thought of having to
show up that way fairly consistently for
the rest of my life the next thing I'm
going to recommend in this process of
figuring out where your fear of
commitment is coming from and starting
to work with it is using the discussed
responses that come online for you as
useful information about what you don't
like within your relationship
so this is going to be something that is
a fairly common response for those who
are avoidant but can also come online
quite strongly for those who are
severely anxiously attached is this
sense of suddenly and inexplicably
feeling discussed towards your partner
in circumstances where you consciously
feel as though you shouldn't be feeling
discussed and as though you should just
accept them as they are so there can be
this kind of tug of war between your
body and your brain what you are feeling
and what you want to be feeling now when
we are experiencing disgust and we are
not being conscious about it we're not
really putting any thought into where it
comes from or what it means it's often
going to come out as contempt towards
our partners so they're going to do
something we're going to get the ick
we're not going to know why and we're
not going to process it any further
maybe we're just going to be rude or
dismissive towards our partner in that
moment or maybe we're going to retreat
and kind of ruminate on the fact that
this thing they do disgusts us when we
become a little bit more conscious of
that discussed response what we're
likely to do is start shaming ourselves
for having it so a lot of us feel
something along the lines of I should
accept my partner completely I should
not feel discussed towards them Ergo if
I'm feeling it I'm just going to retreat
for a while wait until the feeling
passes and then return to the
relationship only when I'm able to do so
with complete and total love and
acceptance of my partner which often
involves me wearing that social mask
that I have come to wear so well I'm
going to suggest here that you start
looking at disgust as a potential
indication of what you don't like within
your relationship discussed on a
biological level is designed to help
humans understand what is and is not
safe and good for consumption and the
same is true emotionally feeling
discussed towards either ourselves or
someone else does not mean that we are
the other people are inherently shameful
and bad and should be altogether
rejected it's just just an indication
that something we're coming across is
something we don't want to consume and
if we can stay with disgust in a
non-judgmental way for long enough if we
can sit with the feeling inside of our
own bodies
often we're going to find that
underneath it there's some kind of pain
some kind of anger or some kind of
negative emotion that actually serves as
incredibly useful information so I'll
give an example here
let's say you are lying in bed one day
with your partner and they look up at
you and they have these giant loving doe
eyes and they're just looking at you
like you are an absolute dream and the
best thing that's ever happened to them
and you get a giant sense of disgust
flowing through your body as a response
it would be easy to shame yourself for
this response it would be easy to go
that's just me and my fear of commitment
but what if you sit with it for another
moment and ask yourself what is it that
I don't like about this
maybe your partner is in their child
self in that moment maybe they are
displaying a degree of vulnerability
that is a little bit excessive and maybe
your partner is quite frequently in
their child's self so in a state where
they are extremely vulnerable and
looking to you for protection and care
and maybe that naturally forces you into
the parent role in your Dynamic quite a bit
bit
when you are playing the parent role it
means you must be completely
self-regulated and attentive to the
needs of your partner and maybe what
you're really wanting and craving in a
romantic partnership is two people being
in their adult selves rather than
frequently retreating to that
parent-child role
and that sense of disgust if you really
listen to it it's not telling you
something is inherently flawed with your
partner or with you it might just be
alerting you to the fact that you are
back in a dynamic with your partner that
some part of you does not like or is
growing to resent and that is very
useful information to have so by sitting
with those feelings of disgust and
getting to the root of them we start to
develop discernment once again about
what exactly it is within the dynamic
that we don't like or that we are
starting to feel averse to so the next
tip I'm going to give on working with
the fear of commitment is figuring out
what you would need to do to more
consistently align your inner and outer
world put yourself for a period of time
under observation mode and just get
really curious about noticing when
you're around your partner or when
you're thinking about your relationship
what body State you're in how often are
you relaxed how often are you feeling
open and free-flowing in your energy
versus how often are you feeling tense
how often are you feeling reserved how
often are you kind of clenching your
muscles and the more you can start to
notice patterns of which types of
situations or circumstances those kind
of tense resistant Body Sensations
arrive in the more discernment you're
going to develop around which situations
you tend to not show up authentically to
or if you air more on the dissociative
side of things when it comes to the way
in which you're resistant to reality
responses come online you might find
that you are just suddenly feeling
extremely bored tired zoned out in
certain interactions with your partner
all of those things can indicate
repressed anger or repressed strong
emotions that the mind is trying to put
you to sleep to so ask yourself if I
were to change my body state in this
moment if I were to let go of either the
tension and the clenching in my body or
if I were to become more Associated and
focused on the present moment in those
times when I'm noticing myself kind of
zoning out and leaving the present
moment what would I be feeling in that
moment what is it that I am resisting or
that I don't want to let into my body in
this relationship is there something my
partner says or does that actually
really pisses me off or that actually I
am really not okay with and what would
happen just run this through your mind
as a thought experiment first what would
happen if I shared my authentic feeling
in that moment what would happen if I
expressed that I felt angry what would
happen if I expressed that I did not
agree with what they were saying or
doing maybe you feel like you have too
many irrational feelings like the things
that you would be taking issue with are
too small or they are not valid enough
to bring up doesn't matter just imagine
what would happen if you did it anyway
and you've got your inner and outer
State aligned this experiment is going
to start giving you information about
the areas in which you are not showing
up for yourself and the areas in which
you are self-abandoning and putting
yourself to sleep in order to keep
engaging with and those are the parts of
yourself that are going to start to
panic when you think about making a
commitment because those parts of
yourself are like wait I don't want to
hide away forever I don't want to have
to numb myself out forever I don't want
to have to back down in situations that
I feel strongly about forever right now
you're getting really precise about
exactly what it is that you're not
bringing into the relationship
and at this point I want to give some
resources so if you actually want to
start communicating more directly with
your partner as you start to become
aware of these areas in which you've
been repressing things like anger or
things like excitement whatever emotion
it is that you naturally tend to
dissociate from tone down within yourself
yourself
Etc there are a lot of different
approaches you could use for
communicating those things so a very
kind of gentle approach to difficult
conversations can be non-violent
communication which there are books and
training seminars by the Dozen out there
if you do a quick Google of non-violent
communication you are highly likely to
find some immediate resources the next
one and this is the one that if I'm
being honest has helped me the most
however it is kind of a highly potent
chemical that I hesitate to recommend
across the board but the philosophy of
radical honesty if you go online and
Google it you can pick up the book by
Brad Blanton that will explain the
philosophy to you very simply and
directly and it talks a lot about how to
get in touch with those repressed
emotions and communicate them with
people directly in order to get on the
same page the reason I give caveats when
I recommend radical honesty is that the
philosophy itself is a very quick way to
tear down a lot of the psychological
defenses that we've built and I believe
that in some cases if that happens too
quickly it can be really difficult for
people to deal with so approach this
philosophy with caution if you do not
have a therapist a good community of
people you can rely on when you are
using these new skills just make sure
that you are sticking within your own
window of Tolerance and the third thing
I'm going to recommend is the philosophy
of authentic relating this is a new one
that I'm getting very into it's similar
to radical honesty in that it talks a
lot about how to have direct
self-responsible communication but it
does it with a little bit less intensity
than radical honesty which is probably
going to feel a lot more accessible if
you are just starting out in this
journey of becoming more authentic in
your communication but again you don't
actually have to do the inner and outer
lining yet all I'm asking you to do in
this step is become aware of where you
are not doing it and why tool number
four for working with the fear of
commitment is learning what no feels
like in your body and being willing to
say it and set clear boundaries in your relationships
relationships
if you do not know how to set boundaries
in a relationship there is an almost 100
chance you are going to feel terrified
of commitment because it means
committing to a life of chronic
self-abandonment because as we go
through life our bodies are saying no to
things all the time right think about
what you just learned in the last step
think of all the situations in which you
are tensing yourself up resisting what's
happening and trying to push it out of
your awareness without ever saying no
and rejecting it outright so the more we
say yes when we mean no and know when we
mean yes the more we are creating a
Chasm between the way we feel and the
way that we are showing up and the
bigger a Chasm exists between reality
and our inner State the more dissociated
from the present moment we are becoming
in order to stay present and engaged
with our lives we have to use our yeses
and our no's use our body information to
inform the choices that we are making so
that we are not sitting in front of
someone completely distracted by all of
the resentment and pent up frustration
that we feel we have let that go by
setting boundaries saying no to things
we don't want and now we can actually
just be present and receptive to the
person in front of us
right and when we can be present and
receptive to the people in front of us
and they're doing the same with us it is
so hard not to feel loving and excited
about the opportunities that exist in
the present moment the more present and
engaged with reality we are the more
authentically we are acting and the more
authentically we're acting in our
attachment relationships the less we
fear commitment because we are actually
showing up as ourselves now I want to
make a point here that is probably
self-evident but deserves being said
overtly you might notice in this process
that the partner you have chosen is not
someone who would necessarily take well
to you showing up more authentically
the partner you have chosen is likely
someone who if you came into the
relationship with a huge amount of ego
defenses online has complementary ego
defenses to yours and actually likes
your ego defenses more than they might
like you as a person that does not mean
there's something wrong with you as a
person it just means that when we are
afraid of our true authentic selves
because we have this internalization
that there's something wrong with that
self it's very threatening to engage
with someone else who is in touch with
that part of themselves because it
reminds us that we have that too at our
core and we're afraid of it if we have a
lot of toxic shame from growing up
insecurely attached so I am not
suggesting that doing this work is going
to be sunshine and roses for your
relationship in a lot of cases it is
likely to lead to the relationship that
you are currently in if your
relationship is a heavily defended one
on both sides breaking down if you
really struggle with vulnerability and
you get in touch with that more
vulnerable honest part of yourself if
you have a partner who picked you
because they wanted a parent figure who
never shows any vulnerability it's
highly possible I'm even unfortunately
going to say likely that when you bring
that vulnerable side of yourself out
they are going to have a disgust
response if again they are operating
from their own wounding and so I want to
be clear that this isn't going to be a
very simple battle to fight right the
work of becoming more authentic and
showing up as we actually are in
attachment relationships is a really
brutal Road a lot of the time as with
absolutely everything I recommend on
here I am not offering you the easy
solution I'm offering you the one that
is going to be the most meaningful and
worthwhile long term for living a type
of life that you actually want to live
so this leads us to point number five if
you are working on your fear of
commitment if you realize that the
partnership you are in is not one that
it is wise for you to stay committed to
long term if you discern that overall
your fear is actually giving you very
good information about the fact that you
don't want this type of partnership that
it would be overall not the best choice
for you to stay with this person for the
rest of your life then your work becomes
if you do want a long-term life partner
if you're consciously interested in
getting rid of that fear of commitment
you have to start thinking about what
type of a relationship or what type of a
person would you feel happy and excited
to commit to long term and then ask
yourself what barriers are currently in
the way of you having that type of
relationship or being with that type of
person most people will tell you to your
face that they want a secure part
partner when they themselves are
insecurely attached but they haven't
really thought about what type of work
that means they would have to do in
order to be the type of person who could
maintain a secure partnership a secure
partner is not going to do a hundred and
fifty percent of the work for you so if
you air a little bit more avoidant and
you really like the other person to take
on all the emotional labor and all of
the vulnerability in the relationship
you're not going to get that with a
secure partner and if you are anxious on
the attachment spectrum and you want a
partner who hides all of their
vulnerability and who is always strong
and regulated and competent you are not
going to find that in a secure partner a
secure partner is going to have their
own vulnerabilities and they're going to
need you to be strong for them and serve
as a secure base just as frequently as
they do the same thing for you so really
think about what you're saying when you
say that you want a secure Partnership
if that is a phrase you use think not
about how to like snag secure person
think about what skills you need to
develop to build yourself up to be the
kind of person who a secure person would
Naturally Fit with this might mean
working on either your
self-responsibility and ability to
regulate yourself emotionally on a
consistent basis if you are more anxious
or making yourself more vulnerable and
willing to take other people's needs and
want seriously and make meaningful
compromises because you actually value
the relationship in a real way if you
air more avoidant so again those who are
significantly insecurely attached on
either ends of the spectrum have a
tendency to just fall into relationships
and then act like the victim for being
there right this person just pursued me
so hard so I gave in but I don't really
want to commit that's not going to cut
it in a secure relationship you have to
decide to be there and you have to
decide that you are willing to do 100
percent of the hard work it takes to
maintain a secure Dynamic if that's
something that you want long term so
this part is all about developing
yourself into the type of person whose
authentic self-expression includes both
vulnerability and self-responsibility if
either of those muscles is very weak for
you right now you've got to take the
time to build that muscle up before you
can expect to have that type of
connection like all of us at some point
have met someone or been someone who
claims they have a massive fear of
commitment when it is super clear to
everyone else around them that actually
they just don't like their partner and
they're in the relationship for the
wrong reasons and they're unwilling to
compromise or to actually work to make
it work because they just don't want to
spend their life with that person but
maybe their own insecurity is keeping
them from leaving and finding a
partnership that they would be willing
to commit wholeheartedly to and I want
to be clear here that that doesn't mean
that their partner is not a good person
who is worthy of love and respect and
commitment insecure attachment just has
us out here choosing people we are
wildly incompatible with because we are
trying to repair the wounds we have from
childhood rather than actually devote
ourselves in an adult way to another
adult and sometimes we just need to call
that out in ourselves am I fearing
commitment because I have this crazy
irrational fear of commitment or am I
refusing to pursue people who actually
share my interests and values because
I'm afraid of getting rejected or
whatever it is so this step is all about
getting really freaking real with
yourself if you are full of BS and you
are just telling yourself that you have
this fear of commitment when really you
don't like your partner you don't like
the way you show up in attachment
relationships and you are absolutely
terrified of trying for something real
with someone who you actually respect
and feel aligned with and compatible
with this is the stage where you have to
get really real with yourself about that
and start developing the skills you
would need to be in a relationship with
the type of person you would actually
like to be with all right the last thing
we're going to talk about for today when
it comes to working with your fear of
commitment is figuring out and remaining
constantly Vigilant to
the things you have internalized as
inherent to commitment that might not be
true so what does that mean I mean that
when we are young we all make
assumptions about what it means to be in
a romantic relationship long term to
have a family to be in connection with
other people sometimes the things that
we internalized were true in the family
Dynamics we grew up in but are not true
to all Dynamics everywhere and in
reality we could be doing a lot of
creative designing of the relationships
we'd like to have so an example of this
is that for the longest time in my own
life I felt very ambivalent about
becoming a mother at this point I
currently do not have kids but for the
longest time I felt like there's a part
of me that absolutely loves spending
time with my nieces that really enjoys
the thought of starting a family but
there is another part of me that felt
very scared and resistant to that
thought because I had internalized this
idea that to become a parent you have to
turn off your brain you have to
dissociate from the parts of yourself
that are intellectual analytical that
are kind of wired into what's happening
in the world and all the inter resting
things going on and you have to let your
entire brain get taken over by like
diapers and dumb songs about sharks and
so for a long time when I thought about
motherhood I thought that that was the
exchange I was saying yes or no to am I
willing to turn my brain off forever in
order to have kids and so of course I
felt terrified at the thought of
committing to being a mother and I
remember at one point I went on a first
date with someone who was super into
developmental psychology and who talked
at length about all of their reasons for
wanting to become a parent which were
things like I find developmental
psychology fascinating and I would love
to experiment with different modes of
helping my kid acquire language and
learn to regulate their emotions and it
would also be fascinating to learn and
have my own assumptions routinely
challenged through the art of being a
parent and sitting across from this
person for the first time I realized
there is a totally different way to
approach Parenthood than the way that I
had internalized if I could bring my
whole entire analytical intellectual
self into Parenthood and that would
probably be the healthiest possible
environment for both me and the child
and at the end of the day this is how we
need to be approaching every aspect of
attachment relationships do you have
preconceived ideas about what it means
to be a partner to have a partner to be
a parent to exist in any type of social
role that involves another person in a
committed lifelong way and the more we
can start being precise about what
things we have internalized as ways that
we have to show up to be in any of these
roles and the more we can challenge
whether or not those things are really
true the better an idea we get of the
type of Partnerships and family Dynamics
we are in control of creating and those
Partnerships and family Dynamics should
be direct extensions of who we
authentically are because again the more
we can be showing up as our whole
complete authentic selves in any type of
relationship the more that fear of
commitment is going to start dropping
away because we're taking the poisonous
things out of the Smoothie right and so
our bodies are no longer going to be
panicking trying to eject the things
that we aren't being honest with
ourselves are just not working for us
okay that's all I have to say for today
on this topic as always let me know in
the comments what your thoughts feelings
experiences are listening to this I love
you guys I hope you're taking care of
yourselves and each other and your inner
children and I will see you back here
again super soon [Music]
[Music]
all right [Music]
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