0:06 it seems odd at first to imagine that we
0:09 might get angry even maddened by a
0:11 partner because they were in the course
0:14 of a discussion proving to be too
0:16 reasonable and too
0:18 logical we are used to thinking highly
0:21 of reason and logic we're not normally
0:24 enemies of evidence and rationality
0:26 how then could these ingredients become
0:29 problematic in the course of love
0:30 but from close up considered with
0:34 sufficient imagination our suspicion can
0:36 make a lot of sense
0:38 when we're in difficulties what we may
0:40 primarily be seeking from our partners
0:42 is a sense that they understand what
0:44 we're going through we're not looking
0:46 for answers the problems may be too
0:49 large for there to be any obvious ones
0:51 so much as comfort reassurance and
0:53 fellow feeling
0:55 in the circumstances the deployment of
0:58 an overly logical stance may come across
1:01 not as an act of kindness but as a
1:04 species of disguised impatience
1:06 let's imagine someone who comes to their
1:08 partner complaining of vertigo
1:10 the fear of heights is usually
1:13 manifestly unreasonable the balcony
1:15 obviously isn't about to collapse
1:17 there's a strong iron balustrade between
1:19 us and the abyss the building has been
1:22 repeatedly tested by experts
1:24 we may know all this intellectually but
1:27 it does nothing to reduce our sickening
1:29 anxiety in practice
1:31 if a partner were to patiently begin to
1:34 explain the laws of physics to us
1:36 we wouldn't be grateful we would simply
1:39 feel that they were misunderstanding us
1:41 much that troubles us has a structure
1:44 akin to vertigo our worry isn't exactly
1:46 reasonable but we're unsettled all the
1:49 same we can for example continue to feel
1:51 guilty about letting down our parents no
1:53 matter how nice to them we've actually been
1:54 been
1:56 or we can feel very worried about money
1:59 even if we're objectively economically
2:00 quite safe
2:02 we can feel horrified by our own
2:03 appearance even though no one else
2:06 judges our face or body harshly or we
2:08 can be certain that we're failures we've
2:09 messed up everything we've ever done
2:12 even if in objective terms we seem to be
2:13 doing pretty well
2:15 we can obsess that we've forgotten to
2:16 pack something even though we've taken a
2:18 lot of care and can in any case by
2:21 almost everything at the other end or we
2:23 may feel that our life will fall apart
2:25 if we have to make a short speech even
2:26 the thousands of people make quite bad
2:28 speeches every day and their lives
2:30 continue as normal
2:31 when we recount our worries to our
2:33 partner we may receive a set of
2:36 precisely delivered unimpassioned
2:38 logical answers we have been good to our
2:41 parents we have packed enough toothpaste etc
2:42 etc
2:44 answers that are both entirely true and
2:47 yet unhelpful as well and so in their
2:49 own way enraging
2:52 it feels as if the excessive logic of
2:54 the other person has led them to look
2:55 down on our concerns
2:57 because reasonably speaking we shouldn't
2:59 have our fears or worries the
3:02 implication is that no sane person would
3:04 have them our partners make us feel a
3:06 bit mad
3:08 the one putting forward the so-called
3:10 logical point of view shouldn't be
3:12 surprised by the angry response they receive
3:13 receive
3:15 they are forgetting how weird and beyond
3:18 the ordinary rules of reason all human
3:21 minds can be their own included the
3:23 logic they are applying is really a
3:25 species of brute common sense that
3:27 refuses the deeper insights of
3:30 psychology of course our minds are prey
3:32 to phantasms illusions projections and
3:34 neurotic terrors of course we're afraid
3:36 of many things that don't exist in the
3:39 so-called real world but such phenomena
3:42 are not so much illogical as deserving
3:45 of the application of a deeper logic
3:47 based on a sympathy for the complexities
3:48 of emotional life
3:50 our sense of whether we're attractive or
3:52 not isn't about what we actually look
3:54 like it follows a so-called logic that
3:56 goes back to childhood and how loved we
3:58 were made to feel by those we depended
4:01 on the fear of public speaking can be
4:03 bound up with long buried and tortuous
4:06 emotions of shame and a fear around
4:08 competing and dealing with others envy
4:11 an excessively logical approach to fears
4:14 discounts their origins and concentrates
4:16 instead on why we shouldn't have them
4:20 which is maddening when we're in pain
4:21 it's not that we actually want our
4:23 partner to stop being reasonable we want
4:26 them to apply their intelligence to the
4:28 task of reassurance we want them to
4:30 enter into the weirder bits of our own
4:34 experience by remembering their own we
4:36 want to be understood for being the mad
4:38 animals we all are and then comforted
4:41 and consoled that it will probably all
4:43 be okay anyway
4:45 then again it could be that the
4:47 application of excessive logic isn't an
4:50 accident or form of stupidity it may
4:53 just be an act of revenge
4:55 perhaps the partner is giving brief
4:58 logical answers to our worries because
4:59 their efforts to be more sympathetic
5:02 towards us in the past have gone nowhere
5:05 perhaps we've neglected their needs if
5:07 two people were being properly logical
5:09 in the deepest sense of the word that is
5:11 truly alive to all the complexities of
5:13 emotional functioning rather than
5:15 squabbling around the question of why
5:17 are you being so rational when i'm in pain
5:18 pain
5:20 the person on the receiving end of
5:22 superficial logic should gently change
5:24 the subject and ask
5:26 is it possible i've hurt or been
5:28 neglecting you
5:32 now that would be real logic
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