0:13 There is a kind of pain that comes from
0:15 life itself. And there's another kind of
0:18 pain, the one that comes from refusing
0:20 to accept it. If you've ever screamed
0:21 inside your mind, "This shouldn't be
0:23 happening." If you've ever begged
0:25 reality to be different, if you've ever
0:27 been paralyzed by the injustice of what
0:29 life has handed you, then you already
0:31 know what it feels like to suffer.
0:33 Because here's the truth. Pain is
0:35 inevitable. Suffering is optional. I'm
0:38 not saying this to minimize your pain. I
0:40 would never do that. I know what it
0:43 means to suffer. I've lived it. I spent
0:44 years in a psychiatric hospital,
0:47 consumed by suicidal thoughts, desperate
0:50 to escape my own mind. I have been where
0:52 many of you are now, fighting reality so
0:55 fiercely that it nearly cost me my life.
0:57 That's why I'm here to talk to you today
0:59 about something that might sound simple,
1:03 but isn't radical acceptance. Radical
1:04 acceptance is not giving up. It's not
1:06 agreeing with what happened. It's not
1:08 saying it's okay that someone hurt you.
1:10 And it's not about approving of what's
1:13 unfair, cruel, or devastating. Radical
1:15 acceptance means this, fully accepting
1:17 reality as it is, not as you wish it
1:20 were. It means opening your heart to the
1:21 truth. Even when that truth breaks your
1:23 heart. It means looking pain in the eye
1:25 and saying, "Yes, this is real. This
1:27 happened. This is happening." Because
1:30 when we don't accept what is, we get
1:33 stuck in hell. We cling to anger, shame,
1:36 bitterness, and regret. We replay the
1:38 moment over and over. We torture
1:40 ourselves with should have and could
1:42 have. We resist what already is. And
1:45 that resistance becomes our prison. Let
1:47 me give you a simple equation. It's one
1:49 I teach often. Suffering equals pain
1:52 multiplied by resistance. If you're in
1:55 pain and you resist it, that resistance
1:57 multiplies your suffering. You don't
1:59 just feel the pain of what happened. You
2:01 feel the pain of believing it shouldn't
2:02 have happened. You feel the pain of the
2:04 fight. But what happens when you stop
2:06 fighting? When you take your hands off
2:08 the wheel and say, "This is where I am
2:10 right now. This is real." That's when
2:12 something miraculous begins. Suffering
2:14 starts to shrink. The pain may still be
2:16 there and but your fight against it
2:18 isn't. And that space, that tiny opening
2:20 between pain and resistance, that's
2:22 where freedom lives. I wish I could tell
2:25 you radical acceptance was easy. It's
2:28 not. We are wired to avoid pain, deny
2:30 reality, and resist anything that
2:32 threatens our sense of control.
2:33 Especially when the pain is traumatic
2:35 and when someone abused you, left you,
2:37 betrayed you, when the world was cruel
2:39 and you were powerless. Your mind clings
2:41 to one belief. It shouldn't have
2:44 happened. And maybe it shouldn't have,
2:47 but it did. Radical acceptance is the
2:49 act of no longer arguing with the past.
2:51 It's turning toward the wound and
2:54 saying, "I may not have chosen this, but
2:57 I choose to stop being its prisoner."
2:59 It's not passive. It's the bravest thing
3:02 you will ever do. Let's be very clear.
3:04 Radical acceptance does not mean you
3:07 like what happened. You approve of it.
3:09 You stop trying to improve things. You
3:11 let people hurt you again. You suppress
3:14 your feelings. It simply means you stop
3:16 denying reality. Because as long as
3:18 you're waiting for the past to change,
3:19 you are trapped. And when you're
3:22 trapped, you can't heal. You can't grow.
3:24 You can't live. Let me tell you
3:26 something personal. There was a moment
3:28 years ago when I stood in a chapel and
3:31 begged God, "Help me. I can't live like
3:33 this anymore." What I was really asking
3:36 for without knowing it was the ability
3:39 to accept. To accept my pain. To accept
3:41 that I was emotionally sensitive. to
3:43 accept that the people who were supposed
3:45 to help me had failed me. To accept that
3:49 I had survived but I wasn't living. That
3:51 moment became a turning point because I
3:53 stopped waiting for life to be fair and
3:55 I started learning how to live anyway.
3:57 That's when healing began. Radical
3:59 acceptance is not something you do once
4:01 and you're done. It's a skill, a
4:03 practice, something you have to return
4:05 to over and over. There will be days
4:07 when it feels impossible. when your
4:10 heart screams no when you want to run,
4:12 fight, numb or hide. But if you can
4:14 pause like even for a second when
4:16 whisper this is happening, you create a
4:18 moment of power, a moment of peace. You
4:20 get out of the war and back into your
4:23 life. In the chapters ahead, I'll walk
4:26 you through why we resist reality and
4:29 how to gently let go. The neuroscience
4:30 of emotional avoidance and pain amplification.
4:32 amplification.
4:35 How radical acceptance fits into DBT's
4:38 core skills. Step-by-step guidance on
4:40 how to begin practicing it. How this
4:42 skill saved my life and how it might
4:44 save yours. But for now, I just want you
4:46 to hear this. You are not weak for
4:48 struggling. You are not broken because
4:50 you're in pain. You are brave for
4:53 staying even in the unbearable. You
4:55 don't have to like it. You don't have to
4:57 be okay with it. You just have to begin
4:59 by right here, right now with what is
5:03 and that is where everything changes.
5:06 Why we resist reality and how that
5:09 resistance destroys us.
5:11 If radical acceptance is the key to
5:14 ending suffering, then resistance is the
5:17 lock that keeps it tightly shut. Every
5:19 time you find yourself saying, "This
5:21 can't be happening. I don't deserve
5:23 this. It's not fair." You are not just
5:25 thinking thoughts. You are resisting
5:28 reality. And that resistance, as
5:30 understandable as it is, is often the
5:32 very thing destroying you from the
5:34 inside out. Let's talk about why we do
5:36 it and how to begin loosening our grip
5:39 on the fight. Resistance is a survival
5:42 instinct. Your brain is wired to detect
5:44 threats and eliminate pain. So, when
5:47 life becomes unbearable, when tragedy
5:49 strikes, when someone betrays you, when
5:51 your dreams collapse, your mind says,
5:53 "This shouldn't be happening. This isn't
5:55 safe. Reject it. Push it away. This
5:58 resistance feels protective at first. It
6:00 gives you a sense of control, a way to
6:02 fight back. But here's the trap. What
6:04 you resist persists. What you avoid
6:07 grows. The more you resist reality, the
6:09 more power you give it to dominate your
6:11 emotional life. Resistance isn't always
6:13 loud or obvious. Sometimes it's
6:15 disguised as logic. Sometimes it shows
6:17 up as perfectionism or anger or
6:20 numbness. Here are some common forms
6:22 resistance takes. Rumination, replaying
6:25 the event over and over, wishing it had
6:27 gone differently. Denial, pretending it
6:28 doesn't hurt, that it doesn't matter.
6:31 Blame, fixating on who caused the pain,
6:33 hoping it will somehow fix it. Control,
6:36 obsessively trying to fix the unfixable.
6:38 Numbing, using substances, screens,
6:40 food, or work to not feel. Each of these
6:42 might help you not feel for a little
6:44 while, but none of them will help you
6:46 heal. Because healing can only happen
6:48 when you feel the truth, not when you
6:51 fight it. I want to be very clear. There
6:53 is always a cost to resisting reality.
6:55 It might cost you your peace. It might
6:57 cost you your health. It might cost you
6:59 your relationships. It might cost you
7:01 years of your life. In my own life,
7:03 resistance nearly cost me everything. I
7:05 resisted my pain so fiercely that it
7:08 turned inward into depression, self
7:11 harm, suicidal ideiation. I fought
7:13 reality so hard that I became a prisoner
7:15 to it. And only when I surrendered and
7:16 only when I said, "Okay, this is
7:19 happening." Did I begin to get free.
7:22 Radical acceptance is not a loss. It's a
7:24 release. It's not weakness. It's the
7:27 strongest thing you can do. Let's look
7:28 at this from a psychological and
7:31 neurological perspective. Studies show
7:34 that when we resist emotions, especially
7:36 painful ones, the brain stress response
7:39 intensifies, cortisol rises, heart rate
7:42 increases, the amygdala, your threat
7:44 detector in goes into overdrive. In
7:46 contrast, when we allow emotions to
7:49 exist without judgment, without pushing
7:51 them away, the brain actually calms
7:53 down. You begin to regulate, not just
7:56 react. This is the basis of mindfulness.
7:58 It's also the foundation of dialectical
8:01 behavior therapy. You can't change what
8:03 you don't first acknowledge. And that
8:05 means facing reality and not hiding from
8:07 it. So why do we do it? Why do we hold
8:09 so tightly to a version of life that
8:12 doesn't exist? The answer is simple and
8:15 human. Because we think accepting it
8:17 means agreeing with it. We think if I
8:20 accept this pain, it means I'm okay with
8:22 it. If I accept their betrayal, it means
8:24 I forgive them. If I accept this
8:27 diagnosis, it means I'm giving up. But
8:29 that's not how acceptance works. You can
8:31 radically accept something and still
8:33 fight to change what you can. You can
8:36 accept the abuse happened and still hold
8:38 your abuser accountable. You can accept
8:40 your grief and still grieve fully.
8:42 Radical acceptance is about what is
8:44 real, not what you wish were real, not
8:46 what should have been real. There's one
8:48 phrase I hear all the time. It's the
8:51 mantra of resistance. It's not fair. And
8:53 you know what? You're right. It's not
8:55 fair. People are hurt for no reason.
8:58 Children are abused. Loving people are
9:00 abandoned. Good people get sick. But
9:02 fairness is not a requirement for
9:05 reality. It never has been. Clinging to
9:07 the belief that life should be fair will
9:09 only keep you at war with life itself.
9:12 And no one wins that war. Sometimes
9:14 people say to me, "But Marca, if I
9:16 accept what happened, I'll fall apart. I
9:18 won't survive it. I need my anger. I
9:21 need the fight." And I get it. Sometimes
9:23 resistance is all we have left. It gives
9:25 us a sense of power, a sense of purpose.
9:27 But here's the paradox. The more you
9:29 cling to resistance, the more your life
9:31 becomes about the pain, not the healing.
9:34 Radical acceptance is what allows you to
9:36 step out of survival mode and into real
9:38 life. You don't have to go from total
9:40 resistance to full acceptance in one
9:43 leap. You can start small. Here's how.
9:45 Notice when you're fighting reality
9:48 through your thoughts, emotions, or
9:51 actions. Name it. This is resistance. I
9:54 am resisting what is. Breathe into it.
9:56 Let yourself feel the tension. Whisper
9:58 gently to yourself. I don't have to like
10:01 this, but I can stop fighting it. Every
10:03 time you do this, you create a crack in
10:05 the wall and light begins to enter.
10:07 Maybe no one ever told you this, but I
10:10 will. You are allowed to stop fighting.
10:12 You are allowed to rest. You are allowed
10:14 to accept what happened and still want
10:16 more for your life. You don't need to
10:18 justify your pain. You don't need to fix
10:20 the past. You just need to stop being at
10:22 war with reality. That's how you save
10:24 your life.
10:27 The anatomy of acceptance. How to do it
10:30 when everything hurts.
10:32 Radical acceptance sounds simple, but
10:34 when you're in pain, it feels
10:36 impossible. How do you accept what
10:38 shattered your world? How do you accept
10:40 what breaks your heart every time you
10:42 remember it? How do you accept something
10:45 you never asked for, never deserved, and
10:47 never wanted? Here's what I want you to
10:49 hear. Acceptance is not a single moment.
10:52 It's a process, a practice, a path. And
10:53 it doesn't happen all at once. It
10:55 happens in tiny moments. One breath, one
10:58 whisper, one truth at a time. In this
11:00 part, I'll walk you through the
11:03 stepby-step anatomy of acceptance so you
11:05 know not just what radical acceptance
11:08 is, but how to begin it. Step one,
11:11 notice the resistance. The first step is
11:13 awareness. Before we can accept
11:15 anything, we have to recognize that
11:17 we're not accepting it. Ask yourself,
11:20 what am I fighting right now? What
11:22 reality am I refusing to accept? What
11:23 thoughts keep circling in my head? Maybe
11:26 it's I shouldn't feel this way. They
11:28 should have loved me. This shouldn't
11:30 have happened. That's resistance. Name
11:33 it. Label it. Say, "This is me
11:35 struggling to accept what is." The
11:37 moment you name it, it begins to lose
11:40 its grip on you. Step two, pause the
11:42 judgment. Here's what usually follows
11:45 resistance. Judgment. We judge the
11:48 situation. We judge the people involved.
11:50 We judge ourselves for not being okay
11:52 with it. But here's the truth. Judgment
11:55 adds another layer of suffering to pain.
11:56 you're already hurting. You don't need
11:59 to attack yourself for it. Try replacing
12:01 judgment with gentle observation.
12:03 Instead of saying, "I'm so weak for
12:05 feeling this way," say, "I'm feeling
12:07 pain right now, and that's okay. You're
12:10 not doing it wrong. You're human." Step
12:12 three, tell the truth. Radical
12:14 acceptance demands one very hard thing,
12:17 telling the truth to yourself. You don't
12:18 have to like the truth. You don't have
12:20 to agree with it, but you do have to
12:22 acknowledge it. Say the words out loud
12:25 if you can. This happened. They left. I
12:28 lost them. I'm in pain. This is my
12:31 reality right now. Not as a victim, not
12:34 as a punishment, but as a person
12:36 choosing to face life head on. The
12:38 truth, when spoken gently, becomes a
12:41 foundation, not a weight. Step four,
12:44 feel what you feel. You cannot radically
12:46 accept reality without allowing yourself
12:48 to feel the pain of it. There is no
12:51 bypass, no shortcut. You have to let the
12:54 grief in, let the rage in, let the
12:55 despair in. Your emotions are
12:58 messengers, not enemies. Radical
13:00 acceptance is not numbing. It's the
13:01 opposite. It's letting the pain move
13:03 through you instead of living inside
13:05 you. It's crying when you need to,
13:07 screaming into a pillow, writing the
13:09 angry letter you never send, breathing
13:12 through the tears you feel it so you can
13:15 release it. Step five, return to the
13:19 body. Pain often pulls us into the mind
13:21 into spirals of thought, judgment, and
13:23 fantasy. Acceptance brings us back to
13:26 the body. Use your senses. What do I
13:29 feel right now? What do I hear? What is
13:32 the sensation in my chest, my stomach,
13:34 my hands? Radical acceptance is not only
13:37 a mental act. It's a physical practice.
13:40 Soften your shoulders. Place a hand on
13:42 your heart. Ground your feet on the
13:44 floor. Let your body know we are safe
13:49 now. we can be here. Step six, speak the
13:51 acceptance statement. This may sound
13:54 simple, but it's powerful. Say out loud,
13:56 even if you don't fully believe it yet.
13:58 This is what's happening right now. I
14:01 may not like it. I may not want it, but
14:03 I am choosing to stop fighting it.
14:06 Repeat it once a day, once an hour if
14:08 you need to. It's not about perfection.
14:10 It's about commitment. Even 1%
14:13 acceptance is a start. Even one moment
14:15 of surrender cracks the wall wide open.
14:18 Step seven, choose what's next from this
14:20 place of truth. Once you've begun
14:22 accepting reality, you finally gain the
14:25 freedom to act from a place of clarity,
14:28 not desperation. Now you can ask, given
14:31 this is true, what do I need? What can I
14:33 do to care for myself? What boundary do
14:36 I need to set? What's one small kind
14:39 action I can take? Acceptance doesn't
14:41 mean you stop trying. It means you stop
14:43 trying to control what's uncontrollable
14:46 and instead you focus on what is. This
14:48 is where healing starts. This is where
14:51 strength begins. Real acceptance is
14:54 layered. You might think you've accepted
14:56 something and then weeks later it hits
15:00 you again. That's normal. Acceptance is
15:03 layered. You peel it back one emotion at
15:05 a time, one memory at a time. Sometimes
15:07 it hurts more right before it gets
15:10 better. That's not failure. That's
15:12 progress. You are not starting over. You
15:15 are going deeper. You can do this one
15:17 moment at a time. You don't need to
15:19 master this overnight. You don't need to
15:21 be a perfect acceptor of reality. You
15:22 just need to keep showing up. Keep
15:25 choosing to open, not close. Keep
15:27 choosing to breathe, not brace. Keep
15:30 choosing to live even with the pain. And
15:32 every time you do, you build a new life.
15:34 A life rooted in truth. A life built on
15:37 peace. A life that belongs to you, not
15:40 your pain.
15:42 what radical acceptance looks like in
15:45 real life.
15:46 We've talked about what radical
15:49 acceptance is. We've talked about why we
15:51 resist it. And we've talked about how to
15:53 begin the practice. But what does it
15:57 look like in real life? Not in theory,
16:00 not in therapy, but in the raw, messy,
16:02 deeply human places where we actually
16:04 live. Let me show you what radical
16:06 acceptance looks like. When it meets
16:10 grief, rejection, illness, abuse, and unfairness.
16:11 unfairness.
16:14 These are not hypotheticals. These are
16:17 the places where real healing begins and
16:19 where radical acceptance saves lives.
16:22 Accepting rejection. You fall in love.
16:24 You trust someone. You let them in. And
16:27 then they leave. Sometimes without
16:29 explanation, sometimes in a way that
16:31 rips the floor out from under you. Your
16:33 mind screams, "They shouldn't have done
16:36 this. I gave them everything. How could
16:38 they leave?" The pain of abandonment is
16:40 real. But the suffering comes from the
16:43 refusal to accept that they are gone.
16:45 Radical acceptance doesn't mean you stop
16:47 loving them. It means you stop waiting
16:49 for them to come back. You stop arguing
16:52 with what is. You feel the ache and you
16:55 say, "They left. It hurts, but I will
16:57 not leave myself." That's acceptance.
17:00 That's power. Accepting grief. Your
17:02 parent dies, your child dies, your best
17:05 friend is taken too soon. Grief is one
17:07 of the hardest places to practice
17:09 radical acceptance. You're not just
17:10 missing someone, you're missing a future
17:13 that will never happen. The mind says,
17:15 "This isn't fair. I should have done
17:18 more. I can't survive this." But here's
17:20 what radical acceptance does. It says,
17:23 "This person is gone. I wish they
17:26 weren't. I will miss them every day, but
17:28 I will let grief move through me, not
17:30 control me. You don't stop loving them.
17:32 You stop pretending they're still here.
17:34 You stop holding your breath, hoping it
17:37 was all a dream. And in that release,
17:39 you begin to live again, accepting
17:41 injustice. Someone hurt you. They got
17:44 away with it. They never apologized.
17:46 There was no accountability, no closure,
17:49 no fairness. You say, "It shouldn't have
17:51 happened. They don't deserve to be
17:55 happy. I'll never get over this." But
17:57 radical acceptance means facing this
17:59 truth. it did happen. They might never
18:01 make it right. And your healing is not
18:04 dependent on their remorse. You don't
18:05 have to forgive them. You don't have to
18:07 trust them. But you do have to stop
18:09 giving them power over your present.
18:11 That's not weakness. That's wisdom.
18:14 Accepting illness and limitations.
18:16 You're diagnosed with something chronic
18:18 or you live with a disability or your
18:21 body no longer does what it used to.
18:23 Your identity shifts. Your goals
18:25 collapse. Your future feels stolen.
18:28 Radical acceptance says, "This is my
18:31 body now. This is my mind now. I didn't
18:33 choose this, but I choose to care for
18:35 myself anyway." You let go of who you
18:38 were supposed to be, and you become who
18:40 you are. There is grief in that, but
18:43 also freedom. Accepting trauma. Maybe
18:45 someone broke you open in a way that
18:47 words can't explain. Childhood abuse,
18:50 sexual assault, war, neglect, being
18:52 invisible in the moments you needed to
18:55 be seen most. Your mind says, "This
18:58 ruined me. I'll never be okay. They
19:00 should have protected me. All of that is
19:03 true." And yet, radical acceptance
19:05 doesn't excuse what happened. It
19:07 acknowledges it. It says, "This
19:09 happened. It was wrong. I didn't deserve
19:12 it, but I will not let it define the
19:14 rest of my life." You stop pretending it
19:16 didn't hurt. And you stop letting it be
19:18 the author of your story. You reclaim
19:21 your voice, accepting yourself. This may
19:23 be the hardest one of all. You look in
19:25 the mirror and hate what you see. You
19:27 replay every mistake you've made. You
19:29 hold yourself hostage for not being
19:31 perfect. Radical acceptance means
19:34 looking at yourself as you are and
19:36 saying, "I am doing the best I can. I am
19:38 a work in progress. I am allowed to take
19:40 up space. I don't have to earn my
19:42 worth." It doesn't mean you stop
19:43 growing. It means you stop growing from
19:46 shame. That's how real change happens.
19:47 Not from self-hate, but but from
19:50 self-respect. The common thread in every
19:52 example. Do you see the pattern? In
19:55 every example, pain is real. But
19:58 suffering grows when we resist the truth
20:00 of that pain. Radical acceptance doesn't
20:03 remove the pain. It removes the war
20:05 around the pain. It gives you energy
20:08 back. It gives you clarity. It gives you
20:10 the power to take your next breath, your
20:12 next step on your terms. Why this
20:14 matters so much? Because here's the
20:16 truth no one likes to say out loud. You
20:18 can do everything right and still
20:21 experience pain. You can love well and
20:23 be left. You can try hard and still
20:25 fail. You can be good and still get
20:27 hurt. And if you keep waiting for life
20:29 to be fair, you'll be waiting forever.
20:31 Radical acceptance isn't about
20:33 surrendering to suffering. It's about
20:35 surrendering to reality so you can stop
20:38 suffering unnecessarily.
20:40 Real peace comes after acceptance, not
20:42 before. You don't wait to feel peaceful
20:44 to practice radical acceptance. You
20:47 practice radical acceptance and peace
20:49 begins to find you. It won't be instant.
20:51 It won't be perfect, but it will be
20:53 real. And that's enough.
20:55 The cost of non-acceptance. How
20:58 resisting reality destroys our mental health.
21:00 health.
21:02 If radical acceptance can save your
21:04 life, then non-acceptance, fighting,
21:06 denying, resisting what is can quietly
21:09 destroy it. Not all at once. Not with
21:11 sirens and explosions, but slowly,
21:13 silently, like a tree dying from the
21:15 roots. In this part, I want to show you
21:16 what happens when we don't accept
21:19 reality. when we live in resistance
21:21 instead of presence because the cost of
21:23 non-acceptance is high and most people
21:25 don't even realize they're paying it.
21:27 The mental toll of resisting reality.
21:30 When you resist reality, your mind goes
21:33 to war. And that war looks like chronic
21:35 anxiety, persistent depression,
21:38 explosive anger, constant exhaustion,
21:42 self-hatred, dissociation, hopelessness.
21:43 This isn't weakness. This isn't
21:45 dysfunction. This is what happens when
21:47 your inner world tries to reject the
21:50 outer one. Your mind is saying that this
21:52 can't be true. But your body knows it
21:55 is. That tension between what is and
21:57 what you wish was is the root of
22:00 enormous psychological suffering. What
22:03 happens in the brain? Neuroscience shows
22:04 that when we're in a state of
22:06 non-acceptance, our brain's threat
22:09 system stays activated. The amygdala
22:11 fires constantly. The preffrontal
22:14 cortex, the rational wise part of you
22:17 gets hijacked. You become stuck in
22:19 fight, flight, or freeze. This isn't
22:22 just emotional pain. It's neurochemical
22:24 chaos. Your body is reacting to
22:26 something it can't control. And your
22:28 mind keeps trying to control it anyway.
22:30 This is how people stay trapped in
22:32 trauma responses even when the danger is
22:35 long gone. How non-acceptance fuels
22:37 emotional dysregulation.
22:39 If you live with borderline personality
22:42 disorder, complex PTSD, or emotional
22:44 sensitivity, you already know how
22:47 overwhelming emotions can be. And
22:50 resisting reality, saying this shouldn't
22:52 be happening, makes them worse. Here's
22:54 what happens. You feel something
22:56 painful. You resist it. That resistance
22:59 intensifies the pain. That pain leads to
23:00 shame. The shame leads to more
23:03 avoidance. And you spiral. This loop can
23:06 feel inescapable. And at its worst, it
23:08 can become lifethreatening. Many people
23:10 in this state consider suicide not
23:12 because they want to die, but because
23:15 they want the pain to stop. Radical
23:17 acceptance gives you a way to stop the
23:19 pain without ending your life.
23:21 Non-acceptance keeps you trapped in the
23:23 past. When you don't accept what's
23:25 happened, you stay stuck in it. You
23:27 relive the betrayal. You reargue the
23:30 fight. You replay the mistake. It
23:32 becomes the center of your mental world.
23:35 Acceptance doesn't erase the past, but
23:38 it does allow you to say that was then.
23:40 This is now. It frees up emotional
23:42 energy that was locked in memory so you
23:44 can use it for healing, growing,
23:47 connecting, living. Resistance builds a
23:49 wall, but you're the one trapped behind
23:51 it. People think resistance is
23:53 protective, that it's a shield, but it's
23:55 not. It's a prison. You might block out
23:58 the pain, and but you also block out
24:00 joy, connection, curiosity, love,
24:03 meaning. You become emotionally numb,
24:05 relationally distant, and spiritually
24:08 lost. You can't selectively suppress
24:10 pain. When you shut down one emotion,
24:12 you often shut them all down. Radical
24:15 acceptance tears down that wall brick by
24:17 brick. The longer you resist, the deeper
24:19 you sink. Have you ever tried to escape
24:22 quicksand? The more you struggle, the
24:23 faster you sink. This is what
24:26 non-acceptance feels like. You fight
24:29 harder. You think more. You analyze. You
24:32 try to outlic reality. You push people
24:34 away. You punish yourself. And yet
24:38 nothing changes except your exhaustion.
24:40 Radical acceptance is like lying still
24:42 in the quicksand and then reaching out
24:46 for help. It's counterintuitive, but it
24:48 works. The disguises of non-acceptance.
24:50 Sometimes we don't even realize we're
24:52 resisting because non-acceptance wears
24:56 masks. It looks like toxic positivity.
24:58 Everything happens for a reason. Avoidance.
25:00 Avoidance.
25:02 I just stay busy and don't think about
25:05 it. Blame. It's all their fault. I'm
25:08 fine. Perfectionism. If I just do
25:11 better, this won't hurt anymore.
25:14 Numbing. I need another drink, another
25:17 scroll, another distraction.
25:19 These behaviors may look normal, even
25:21 productive, but underneath them is a
25:24 refusal to sit with what is real.
25:26 Radical acceptance removes the mask and
25:30 meets reality face to face. The lies we
25:33 tell ourselves when we refuse to accept.
25:34 Here are the lies that non-acceptance
25:37 whispers. If I accept this, it means I'm
25:39 weak. If I accept this, I'm letting them
25:42 win. If I accept this, I'll never change
25:45 it. If I accept this, I'll fall apart.
25:47 Here's the truth. Acceptance isn't
25:49 weakness. It's strength. You're not
25:51 letting anyone win. You're reclaiming
25:53 your peace. You can't change what you
25:56 won't acknowledge. And falling apart is
25:58 sometimes what healing begins with. You
26:01 are not fragile. You are not broken. You
26:03 are human. And acceptance is your
26:05 lifeline. Radical acceptance as
26:07 psychological survival. I didn't create
26:09 radical acceptance because it sounded
26:11 nice. I created it because I needed it
26:13 to survive. There was a time in my life
26:16 where my pain felt unbearable. I wanted
26:18 out. I begged God to take it away. I
26:20 screamed at the unfairness. And it was
26:22 only when I said, "This is real. this is
26:24 mine and I'm not running anymore. That I
26:27 finally felt peace. Not comfort, not
26:29 joy, but peace. And peace is the
26:31 foundation of healing. The hope you need
26:34 to hear. If you are suffering, if your
26:36 mind is screaming, "This shouldn't be
26:37 happening." If you feel like you're
26:40 drowning in a life you didn't choose, I
26:42 want you to know this. You don't have to
26:43 like what's happened. You don't have to
26:45 be okay with it. You don't have to
26:47 forgive, forget, or move on overnight.
26:49 But you do have the power right now to
26:52 stop fighting reality. And that one
26:55 choice can begin to save your life.
26:57 The moment you stop resisting, you start
27:00 healing. There's a saying in DBT, "Pain
27:03 is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
27:05 At first, that might sound like a cruel
27:07 joke. As if I'm saying, "You're choosing
27:10 your suffering." But let me explain.
27:13 Suffering happens when we fight reality.
27:15 When we scream, "This shouldn't be
27:17 happening." When we say, "It wasn't
27:19 supposed to turn out like this." When we
27:22 replay old betrayals, resentments, and
27:24 injustices like a loop we can't shut
27:27 off. That resistance, the mental war
27:29 with reality, that's where suffering
27:32 lives. Let's be clear, radical
27:34 acceptance is not approval. It's not
27:38 saying this is okay. It's saying this is
27:41 what is. You can radically accept the
27:43 death of someone you love and still
27:45 grieve with your entire soul. You can
27:47 radically accept that your childhood was
27:49 full of pain and still believe it was
27:52 wrong and unfair. You can radically
27:54 accept that your partner left and still
27:57 feel heartbreak, rage, and confusion.
27:59 But when you stop denying the truth of
28:01 what happened, when you stop telling
28:03 yourself it should have been different,
28:06 that's when the weight starts to lift.
28:08 Here's what I've seen time and time
28:10 again. People who spend their lives
28:12 waiting for apologies that may never
28:14 come. people who can't heal because they
28:16 keep demanding that life give them
28:19 closure, fairness, or justice. And I
28:21 tell them gently but firmly, radical
28:24 acceptance is your path forward. Not
28:26 because it makes the pain disappear, but
28:28 because it ends the war. There's a story
28:31 I share with my patients sometimes, a
28:33 Buddhist parable. A woman's only child
28:36 dies. She carries the body to the Buddha
28:38 and begs him to bring the child back.
28:40 The Buddha tells her, "Bring me a
28:42 mustard seed from a house that has never
28:45 known sorrow." So she goes from house to
28:48 house. But every home has known loss,
28:50 heartbreak, or death. And in her search,
28:53 she realizes suffering is universal. We
28:55 are not alone in our pain. We are not
28:58 singled out. And once we truly accept
29:00 that, deep in our bones, something
29:03 shifts, not into numbness, but into
29:06 truth. Radical acceptance is a spiritual
29:09 surrender. Not giving up, but giving in
29:11 to what is. It's stopping the endless
29:13 argument with reality. It's turning
29:16 toward life, even when it has broken
29:18 your heart. I know that turning toward
29:20 reality can feel unbearable. But I
29:23 promise it's the only way through. You
29:25 can't grieve what you refuse to
29:27 acknowledge. You can't heal what you
29:29 pretend didn't happen. You can't grow if
29:31 you're stuck in it shouldn't be this
29:34 way. The moment you stop resisting, you
29:36 start healing.
29:38 You can't heal until you face what hurts.
29:40 hurts.
29:41 Let me tell you a hard truth. There's no
29:44 bypass around pain. You can't logic your
29:46 way out of it. You can't meditate it
29:48 away. You can't distract or achieve or
29:51 numb it out of existence. Eventually,
29:53 you must walk through the fire. And the
29:55 first step into that fire is radical
29:57 acceptance. You can't heal from a trauma
29:59 you deny ever happened. You can't make
30:02 peace with a past you keep rewriting to
30:04 sound better than it was. You can't grow
30:06 out of an emotional pattern if you keep
30:08 pretending it's not there. Healing
30:10 begins when you stop running from your
30:12 sadness, from your shame, from your
30:14 guilt, from the parts of you that you
30:17 were taught to hate or fear. And radical
30:19 acceptance says, "I will turn around
30:22 now. I will stop fleeing. I will face
30:24 what hurts." This doesn't mean you have
30:27 to confront everything all at once. In
30:29 DBT, we talk about distress tolerance,
30:32 the ability to stay present even when
30:34 it's hard. That means honoring your
30:36 limits while still telling yourself the
30:38 truth. Maybe today you can only look at
30:40 a corner of your grief. Maybe you can
30:42 only whisper the words, "Yes, it
30:44 happened." Maybe you need to hold your
30:46 own hand and say, "I see you. You're
30:49 allowed to feel this." That too is
30:51 radical acceptance. I often tell my
30:54 patients, "Feelings won't kill you. What
30:55 will destroy you is your fight against
30:57 those feelings. The shame, the
30:59 repression, the self-hate, the lies you
31:01 tell yourself to keep from falling
31:03 apart. But here's the paradox. When you
31:06 let yourself fall apart, you realize you
31:09 don't shatter. You soften. You grieve.
31:11 And you come out the other side whole in
31:14 a new way. Let me be personal for a
31:16 moment. There were days in my life where
31:18 I truly didn't want to live. Days where
31:21 I believed I was irredeemable. And part
31:23 of my healing came from this one
31:26 painful, powerful decision to stop
31:28 trying to erase my past and instead
31:31 begin to understand it. I stopped asking
31:33 why did this happen to me and started
31:36 asking now that it has happened how do I
31:38 live? That's what radical acceptance
31:41 gives you. Your life back. And if you're
31:43 watching this right now, still
31:45 listening, still breathing, still
31:47 holding on, you're stronger than you
31:49 think. You're ready to stop running.
31:51 You're ready to heal.
31:55 This is where your healing begins.
31:57 If no one has told you this today, you
31:59 are not broken. You are a human being
32:02 who has suffered and yet here you are
32:04 breathing, listening, learning how to
32:07 live again. That is strength. That is
32:09 courage. And that is where healing
32:11 begins. Radical acceptance isn't a
32:14 finish line. It's a practice, a way of
32:16 walking through life moment by moment
32:18 without turning away from the truth of
32:21 what is. You will forget. You will fall.
32:23 You will judge yourself again. You will
32:25 wish things were different again. And
32:27 then you'll remember you can accept what
32:30 is and still choose how to respond. You
32:32 can grieve and still grow. You can hurt
32:34 and still heal. That is the paradox.
32:37 That is the power. That is the path. So
32:40 today, start small. Breathe. Say to
32:42 yourself, "This is what's happening.
32:45 This is what I feel and I can stand it."
32:47 You're not alone on this journey and you
32:49 never were. Thank you for walking this
32:51 far with me. I'm proud of you. Keep
32:53 going. You're doing the hardest work
32:55 there is. Learning how to live without
