0:12 Simon and Schustster Audio presents
0:16 Nothing Like the Movies. Written by Lynn
0:20 Painter. Read by Charlie Bushnell and
0:30 New Year's Eve.
0:33 If my 15-year-old self could see me now,
0:35 he would punch me in the dick. Set it up.
0:37 up. Wes,
0:39 Wes,
0:42 this place is packed. Dude, I told you,
0:44 Adam said, loading a piece of gum into
0:46 his mouth and smirking as we walked into
0:49 the party. Loud music was booming from a
0:51 speaker somewhere, and everyone appeared
0:54 to be talking over the sound. I followed
0:55 him and Noah up the stairs and into the
0:57 living room where it looked like
0:58 everyone I knew from high school was in
1:02 attendance. [ __ ] People were
1:04 everywhere, sitting on couches and
1:07 standing around and I instantly
1:09 regretted my decision to go out.
1:12 Bennett. Alex ran over from the other
1:13 side of the room and wrapped her arms
1:16 around me, pulling me down into a hug.
1:19 Happy New Year, Benadetti, I said,
1:21 swallowing hard as I hugged her back.
1:24 How are you?" she asked, and I hated the
1:27 way she smiled when she pulled away. It
1:29 was one of those pitying smiles, like
1:31 she was asking how I was handling the
1:33 fact that my life had turned to [ __ ]
1:36 "Good," I said, torn between being happy
1:38 that my friends were back from college,
1:40 holy balls, I have a social life again,
1:43 and kind of hating being social. Because
1:45 as nice as everyone was, I could tell
1:48 they all felt sorry for me. Sorry about
1:50 my dad. Sorry about the fact I dropped
1:52 out of college. Sorry about the fact I
1:55 was no longer playing baseball. I was
1:58 one hell of a sorry guy. Since no one
2:00 Adam got back, I'd said absolutely not
2:03 every time they invited me out. But for
2:04 some reason, New Year's Eve made me
2:07 cave. The fact that it was a holiday had
2:09 softened me apparently, which I was now
2:12 regretting because nothing felt the
2:14 same. The last time I was with these
2:16 people, we all had big plans for our futures.
2:18 futures.
2:22 And well, they still did. I on the other
2:26 hand had pivoted. When my dad died 2
2:29 weeks after I moved in at UCLA, I came
2:31 home for the funeral and never left,
2:33 deciding to bail on school and
2:35 everything that the future held for me.
2:38 As if I had a choice. Now that it had
2:39 been a few months since his heart
2:41 attack, I was firmly settled into
2:42 full-time employment at the grocery
2:44 store with a side hustle as an Uber
2:47 driver. Life was [ __ ] great.
2:50 Come on. Michael's playing money bet in
2:52 the kitchen. Noah said, pointing. It's
2:56 too loud over here. Money bet. The new
2:58 favorite party game was basically just
3:00 dares with money attached. Some guys I
3:02 worked with at the store made it up, and
3:03 when I mentioned it to Adam and Noah,
3:06 they went nuts with it. I followed them
3:08 into the kitchen, stopping to grab a
3:10 drink before sitting down at the table.
3:12 It's about time, Bennett, Michael said
3:14 from his spot at the other end of the
3:16 table, drawling just enough to let me
3:18 know he was already buzzed. You've been
3:21 a hermit all break. I gritted my teeth
3:23 when I heard the first few notes of that
3:25 old song from Fearless playing in the
3:27 other room. It just figured that the
3:29 party would have that song playing in
3:32 the background. It was 100% on brand for
3:34 my life lately.
3:36 I've been busy, I said, picking up my
3:39 cup and downing the entire thing. I
3:41 wasn't trying to get drunk, but I wasn't
3:44 trying not to either. We'd pregamed a
3:46 little at Noah's with his brother, so I
3:49 had a nice start. "Money bet 5 says
3:51 Bennett can't make it from here," Noah
3:53 said, pushing an empty can in front of
3:54 me and gesturing toward the kitchen
3:58 sink. "Except," I said, then hurled the
4:00 can in the direction of the sink,
4:01 watching it bounce off the counter and
4:05 clatter to the ground. You suck, he
4:07 replied. And I pulled a $5 bill out of
4:09 my pocket and set it in front of him.
4:12 Still better than you. Josh just got
4:15 here, Noah said, looking down at a text
4:18 with my chicken sandwich. Hell yes. I
4:20 said, "Money bet chicken sandwich says
4:24 you." I trailed off when I saw her. She
4:29 was there. Holy [ __ ] Libby was standing
4:32 in the living room. I'd managed to avoid
4:33 her for the entire two weeks she'd been
4:36 home on break, but now we were at the
4:39 same party on New Year's Eve. Are you
4:42 kidding me, universe? I'd vetoed three
4:43 different parties that night. Parties
4:45 where I thought she might show up, but I
4:48 assumed this one would be safe. I'm not
4:50 sure if things got quiet or loud,
4:52 blurry, or hyperfocus. But I know the
4:55 universe changed as I looked at Liz,
4:57 everything melting into impressionistic
5:00 streaks of fuzzy background colors. She
5:03 was talking to Joss, smiling, and the
5:05 emptiness I felt at the side of her, a
5:07 gnawing ache, made it hard for me to
5:10 breathe. I hadn't seen her in person
5:12 since the day of my dad's funeral. We'
5:14 done the long distance thing for a few
5:17 weeks after that, but then I ended it. I
5:20 had no choice. I can't breathe without
5:24 you, but I have to. My fingers itched to
5:26 touch her, to go to her, to grab her
5:28 hand and pour into the kitchen with me
5:30 so we could laugh about money bet and
5:31 convince someone to do something
5:33 ridiculous. But she wasn't mine to touch
5:36 anymore. It felt like a thousand
5:38 memories of her smiling at me, laughing
5:40 with me, tangled up in my arms in my
5:42 dorm room, swirled together, and crashed
5:45 into my lungs like a 90 mph fastball.
5:48 She was wearing a slouchy sweater, black
5:50 and soft and oversized, with the front
5:52 tucked into her plaid skirt. She looked
5:56 nice, all dark tights and cute boots.
5:58 But my eyes focused like lasers on the
5:59 sun-kissed shoulder the sweater had
6:02 exposed and the inky edge of her tattoo
6:04 that was peeking out from underneath,
6:06 calling to me. Because I knew that
6:09 tattoo better than I knew my own.
6:10 Probably because I'd never simply looked
6:14 at hers. No, I'd explored hers, traced
6:17 hers, kissed hers, studied that inked on
6:19 latitude like her body was my map, and
6:22 those coordinates were my true north.
6:23 You're the only thing I know like the
6:25 back of my hand.
6:29 God damn it. Money bet 3 says you can't
6:31 guess the card. I said to Adam, grabbing
6:33 the deck from the middle of the kitchen
6:35 table and trying to distract myself. I
6:37 was pretty sure I couldn't handle the
6:38 memories that were sure to kick my ass
6:41 if I continued looking at Liz. And
6:42 almost worse than the memories were the
6:44 questions that never seemed to go away
6:46 when I thought about her. Does she still
6:49 go to the beach to read? Has she been to
6:51 Ara in-n-out since I left? What songs
6:53 has she added to her freshman year playlist?
6:54 playlist?
6:56 And I didn't even let myself consider
6:59 whether or not she was seeing someone. I
7:02 was better off not knowing. I deleted my
7:04 social media accounts after deciding not
7:06 to go back to school. Partially because
7:07 I knew I'd spend the rest of my life
7:09 creeping on her and partially because
7:11 what the hell would I post that
7:13 mattered? While my friends were sharing
7:15 pics from frat parties and studying for
7:17 finals, it'd be wicked cool for me to
7:20 post a slice of my life as well, right?
7:21 Worked a double shift at the grocery
7:23 store today and taught myself how to fix
7:26 the blower motor on the furnace. Runs
7:29 like a dream now. # blessed.
7:32 Except, and it's a queen, he said,
7:35 smiling like an ass. I turned over the
7:39 jack. So, so wrong, son. We want to
7:41 play. Joss walked into the kitchen and
7:43 sat in the empty chair between Adam and
7:46 Noah, dropping a fast food bag onto the
7:49 table as Adam tossed $3 at me. I love
7:51 you and this sandwich," Noah said,
7:55 tearing into the bag so much. I felt
7:57 like my entire body was on alert,
8:00 buzzing, knowing Liz wouldn't be far
8:02 behind Joss. I kept my eyes on the cards
8:05 as Adam said, "All right, Joe." Money
8:07 bet 5 says you can't say the pledge of
8:10 allegiance backward. There was laughter
8:11 and heckling when she started, but I
8:13 couldn't hear over the roaring in my
8:15 ears as I felt Liz take the empty seat
8:18 on the other side of Adam. Red hair and
8:21 Chanel number five became my atmosphere.
8:23 The mix that I breathed into my lungs
8:26 and that seeped in through my pores. I
8:28 refused to look at her. I can't [ __ ]
8:31 do it. But my face burned as I felt her
8:35 eyes on me. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I started
8:37 shuffling the cards as Joss kept going.
8:40 I speared. Bennett, she said quietly,
8:42 her voice diving into my bloodstream and
8:45 pumping to every part of my body. I
8:48 inhaled through my nose and had to look.
8:51 I mean, I couldn't ignore her. I raised
8:53 my eyes from the cards and then
8:55 everything inside me stilled as she
8:59 smiled at me because it was the same.
9:01 Her smile was the same knee weakening
9:02 smile that she given me the first time
9:04 she said she loved me in the parking lot
9:06 of the animal shelter in Ogalala,
9:09 Nebraska. Red lips, twinkling green
9:12 eyes, pink cheeks. Holy [ __ ] she
9:15 doesn't hate me. I swallowed and didn't
9:16 know what to do as a million questions
9:19 ran through my head. Why didn't she hate
9:21 me? She was crying the last time he
9:24 spoke for the love of God. She was
9:26 supposed to hate me. What the hell am I
9:29 supposed to do now? I didn't realize we
9:30 were just staring at each other until
9:33 Noah said, "For Christ's sakes, kids,
9:35 get a room. Money bet 20 says Liz and
9:38 Wes won't kiss." Silence hit the kitchen
9:41 with an open hand. the awkward slap
9:43 echoing as no one quite knew how to
9:45 react. Before I could process that and
9:48 find a way to make his words disappear,
9:52 Liz raised her chin and said, "Except."
9:53 If I were standing, I'm pretty sure I
9:55 would have stumbled backward from the
9:57 force of that tiny little sixletter word
10:00 crashing into my chest like an uppercut.
10:02 I heard nothing but my own heartbeat,
10:05 pounding like a bass drum in my skull as
10:07 I looked at her retrograde red mouth,
10:10 smiling and daring me to kiss her.
10:13 I clenched my teeth as my mind ran wild
10:14 because I never wanted anything more
10:16 than I wanted to kiss her at that
10:18 moment. I wanted to pull her onto my lap
10:20 and lose myself in her kiss in the
10:22 warmth I hadn't felt since the day she
10:23 waved to me from the security line
10:27 before flying back to LA. But if I did,
10:30 I knew we'd get back together. No way
10:32 was I strong enough to let her go again,
10:35 even when it was the best thing for her.
10:37 And it was the best thing. So, I
10:40 swallowed, pushed back my chair, and
10:42 stood as I looked down into her emerald
10:45 gaze. "That's a hard pass for me," I
10:48 said, a little shocked by how unfeilling
10:50 my voice sounded when every cell in my
10:53 body was drowning in feelings. I left
10:54 the kitchen, not interested in the
10:56 [ __ ] that Noah yelled as I walked
10:59 away, "Why are you such a dick?" or the
11:01 verbal takedown Joss was sure to deliver
11:04 the next time she saw me. [ __ ] them all,
11:07 I thought as I headed out the back door,
11:09 needing to get the hell away from there.
11:12 But I knew as I sat alone on the deck at
11:14 midnight, staring at the orange tip of a
11:16 swisher while everyone inside the house
11:18 yelled, "Happy New Year!" that I never
11:20 forgive myself for what my words had
11:30 Chapter 1. A year and a half later.
11:32 I hate you so much that it makes me
11:36 sick. 10 things I hate about you, Wes.
11:38 Wes.
11:41 I shut off my alarm, 6:00 a.m., and sat
11:43 up in the dark. AJ, my roommate,
11:47 muttered, "A sadistic ass bag." and
11:49 rolled over in his bed while I climbed
11:51 out of mine and got dressed. We'd been
11:53 sent to the same Canadian summer
11:55 baseball league and stayed with the same
11:57 host family. So, even though it was only
11:59 the first day of fall classes, it felt
12:01 like we'd lived together for years. I
12:03 knew he'd sleep in until 5 minutes
12:05 before we had to leave for lifting, but
12:06 I wanted to be wide awake and ready to
12:09 go hard when we hit Aosta in a couple of
12:12 hours. I put in my AirPods and cranked
12:14 troubles coming as I took off down the
12:16 hill, making my way past dorms whose
12:19 names I'd yet to learn. I'd run every
12:21 morning since moving and there was just
12:23 something about campus in the early
12:26 hours before it came alive that I loved.
12:28 Seeing the sunrise, listening to the
12:31 birds between songs, running past the
12:33 green trees on the hill that somehow
12:35 felt different from the green trees back
12:39 home. I was smitten with California. I
12:42 was smitten with UCLA to be precise.
12:44 And honestly, my smittenhood probably
12:46 had more to do with the fact that it was
12:48 where my second chance was happening
12:51 than the location itself. Yes, it was a
12:53 gorgeous setting, but it was the setting
12:55 where my dreams were taking place. That
12:57 was the sappy [ __ ] that I felt in my
12:59 bones as I slowed to let a scooter zip
13:02 past me because I was obsessed with the
13:04 possibilities of this place. the
13:06 baseball potential, both college and
13:09 fingers crossed, MLB,
13:11 the educational potential, the other
13:14 potential, this spot on the map,
13:16 Westwood, was like the starting point of
13:19 my everything. I kind of wanted to break
13:20 into song as I jogged around a dude with
13:23 a hose who was washing out a trash can.
13:26 I was that big of a sap. Instead, I gave
13:28 him a chin nod and kept running. Good
13:31 morning, my dude. AJ might have thought
13:32 I was out of my mind for running so
13:35 early every day, but he was just a baby.
13:37 An 18-year-old who barely had time to
13:38 shed the title of prom king before
13:41 reporting to school. I, on the other
13:43 hand, was a 20-year-old freshman with a
13:46 lot to prove. Because 2 years ago, I'd
13:50 had everything. Then I lost it all. So
13:51 now that I had a second chance to grab
13:53 on to that everything, you could bet
13:56 your ass I wasn't casually reaching. No,
13:58 sir. I was greedily grabbing with both
14:01 hands and never letting go. I was
14:04 carpedming the crap out of my life,
14:06 throwing myself into every single moment
14:07 because I knew firsthand how fleeting
14:10 those moments could be. I mean, if I was
14:13 being honest, I was absurdly giddy about
14:16 my first day of school. Like, I didn't
14:18 want to spew [ __ ] like today's the
14:20 first day of the rest of my life. That
14:22 was tragically close to live, laugh,
14:25 love, right? But it kind of felt like it
14:29 was. And I was so ready. I ran my
14:30 three-mile loop, showered, then grabbed
14:33 a breakfast burrito with AJ at Acrian
14:35 before we took scooters over to Aosta. I
14:38 [ __ ] loved the scooters. Since I
14:40 hadn't brought a car to college and
14:42 didn't own a bike, the bird scooters
14:44 that could be found all over campus were
14:46 the stuff of my dreams. West Plus
14:49 scooters equals HA.
14:51 God, I really am an overexited
14:52 kindergartener on my first day of
14:55 school, aren't I? I was still nerding
14:57 out when I got to my first class.
14:58 Lifting had done nothing to hack my
15:01 buzz. Welcome to civil engineering and
15:04 infrastructure. I entered the lecture
15:05 hall the second the professor started
15:07 speaking, which meant that all
15:09 hundredish students in the enormous
15:10 classroom turned their eyes away from
15:14 him to witness my entrance. Way to go,
15:16 [ __ ] I'd completely underestimated
15:18 the amount of time it took to get from
15:21 Aosta to Bolter Hall. So, my decision to
15:23 grab a protein smoothie with AJ after
15:26 lifting had been a total mistake. But
15:28 I'd been so stoked after being the top
15:30 baseball lifter of the day, hell yes,
15:33 that it seemed like a brilliant idea at
15:35 the time. Why not hang out for a few
15:38 extra minutes doing nothing but reveling
15:40 in the fact that so far on day one, I'd
15:43 yet to screw up. I quickly took an empty
15:45 seat in the front, unzipping my backpack
15:48 and pulling out a notebook. I was not a
15:50 laptop guy when it came to note-taking.
15:53 It was an intro course, the introductory
15:55 course for civil and environmental
15:57 engineering majors. So, the last thing I
15:59 needed was to miss any important information.
16:00 information.
16:02 Instead of going over the syllabus with
16:04 you, such a cliche thing to do on the
16:06 first day, I'm going to trust that you
16:09 are capable of reading it. You look like
16:11 a smart bunch. Professor Chargerie, a
16:14 tall man with a serious mustache, stood
16:15 at the table in front of the hall and
16:18 said, "So, let's get started, shall we?"
16:20 I pressed on the eraser of my mechanical
16:23 pencil, opened the notebook and got
16:26 ready to take notes. In this class, we
16:27 will be looking at the role of civil
16:29 engineers in infrastructure development
16:32 and preservation. I started writing as
16:34 he launched into the material, still
16:36 blown away by the fact that I was taking
16:37 an engineering course on the first day
16:40 of my first quarter. I'd assumed gen eds
16:42 would fill my freshman year, bogging me
16:44 down with pointless classes like world
16:47 music and anthropology. So, it felt
16:49 amazing that I was enrolled in this, as
16:52 well as chem and calc. I'd missed math
16:54 and science in the two years I'd been
16:57 out of school, as crazy as it sounded. I
17:00 blamed Mrs. Okun, my 10th grade physics
17:02 teacher. She talked me into attending an
17:04 engineering camp in Missouri the summer
17:06 after my sophomore year. during the two
17:09 weeks between summer and fall ball. And
17:11 I really hadn't known what to expect.
17:13 I'd really only gone because it was a
17:15 two-eek getaway from boring Nebraska,
17:18 right? I never would have imagined how
17:19 much I'd love being around other people
17:21 who liked math and science in the same
17:24 way that I did. Before camp, I'd been a
17:26 good student with no clue what I wanted
17:28 to do with my life, aside from being a
17:31 major league pitcher, of course. But the
17:33 minute I had arrived, it felt like I'd
17:36 found my spot. I understood the way
17:37 everything worked in that place with
17:41 those people. It all made sense. That
17:43 camp lit something inside me and made me
17:44 feel like I was meant to follow the
17:47 engineering path, even though baseball
17:50 was my higher priority. So, the fact
17:52 that I was finally here in a lecture
17:55 hall on my way to making it happen, it
17:58 felt huge. I basically wrote down
18:00 Chudriy's every word until class ended,
18:02 knowing I wouldn't need the majority of
18:05 the info, but not really caring. I took
18:07 college for granted the first time. The
18:09 idea that of course I could go if I
18:11 wanted to. But after seeing those
18:14 options disappear, I had an entirely
18:17 different outlook now. I was cherishing
18:19 every [ __ ] piece of it. Bring on the
18:21 notes, the study sessions, and the term
18:25 papers. I wanted it all. After that, I
18:27 went to chem followed by lunch and a
18:30 quick nap. I needed rest before
18:32 practice. A little quiet time to get my
18:34 head right. Because as great as it was
18:37 that I killed it at lifting, that didn't
18:40 mean dick if I couldn't throw. "You sure
18:42 you don't want to hoop?" AJ yelled from
18:43 the living room as he and some of the
18:45 guys got ready to go shoot for an hour
18:47 at the hitch courts. I loved pickup
18:50 games, but I needed to save every bit of
18:51 my energy for the first practice of my
18:55 collegiate career. Nah, I'm good," I
18:57 yelled back, setting a timer on my phone
19:00 and closing my eyes. But sleep was
19:02 elusive because now that I'd made it
19:04 here and had officially begun my
19:07 educational and athletic career at UCLA,
19:10 the time had finally come. It was time
19:19 >> Chapter 2.
19:21 Before you came into my life, I was
19:23 capable of making all kinds of
19:26 decisions. Now I can't. I'm addicted. I
19:29 have to know what you think. What do you think?
19:31 think?
19:34 2 weeks notice. Liz.
19:37 Liz.
19:39 Oh my god. Is that
19:42 It was 7:00 and the sun was barely up,
19:45 so most of Westwood was still asleep.
19:49 But not me. I was out for a run and so
19:53 was that guy, Mr. I'm trying to break a
19:56 land speed record with the long legs. He
19:58 was way in front of me, an
20:00 extraordinarily tall dude who was
20:02 probably a freshman basketball player,
20:05 and I narrowed my eyes.
20:10 No, I definitely do not know that giant.
20:12 Ever since New York played in my
20:14 AirPods, an underrated hairy song and
20:17 also in my opinion a total slice of
20:20 autumn. Even though it was warm in LA,
20:22 my head was already stars holo vibing
20:25 because the fall quarter had officially
20:27 arrived, which meant my playlists were
20:30 buried in musical piles of freshly rad
20:33 leaves. Yes, it's a little too early for
20:37 a PSL playlist, but I don't care because
20:40 the first day of classes felt magical.
20:42 It was almost like you could smell the
20:45 crisp, unmarred freshness of a new term.
20:47 It seemed like anything in the world was
20:51 possible, especially this year. After 2
20:53 years of applying for meaningless
20:55 industry jobs that did nothing to
20:58 further my future career except teach me
21:00 the easiest way to transport coffee from
21:04 store to office, I had an internship.
21:07 And not just any internship. It was with
21:09 Lilith Grossman.
21:11 I realized when I waved to the
21:13 groundskeeper who was hosing down the
21:15 sidewalk that I was smiling like a
21:19 weirdo, but I couldn't help it because I
21:22 actually landed a gig for my junior year
21:25 that had the potential to pay huge
21:28 dividends in my career. And it started
21:31 today. Last year, one of my roommates,
21:33 Clark, worked for the athletic
21:35 department's video production team. I
21:37 didn't know anything about most sports,
21:40 but he told me they had a part-time paid
21:43 opening. So, I thought, "What the hell?"
21:46 I applied because I needed money. It
21:48 wasn't an internship. It was just a
21:52 part-time student job. A job that I fell
21:55 in love with. I was just a grunt who
21:58 took photos and videos of athletes at
22:01 practice, during games, during lifting.
22:04 That was my job. I basically just did
22:06 whatever they needed me to do. Hauling
22:08 equipment to all varieties of athletic
22:14 events. At first, I sucked at all of it.
22:17 And then I sucked less
22:20 because it scratched my creative itch.
22:22 Just like music had the power to
22:25 transform a moment in film. I realized
22:27 that the way I captured an athlete with
22:30 my camera had the power to create a
22:33 story. Even though I was just a lackey
22:35 in the department, I personally got a
22:38 lot out of it. So, when the announcement
22:40 came that Lilith Grossman, award-winning
22:43 documentary producer, was going to be
22:45 making a sports documentary at UCLA and
22:48 needed an intern, I applied in a
22:50 heartbeat, mostly because she worked for
22:52 Heft Entertainment.
22:54 Not only was she an accomplished video
22:56 producer in the sports world, but she
22:58 was a producer who had countless
23:01 projects with my dream company. Heftaft
23:03 Entertainment consisted of Hefta Motion
23:06 Pictures and Hefta Television as well as
23:09 Hefta Music. Both sides of the company
23:11 were huge and worked with the biggest
23:14 names in music and film. If they were
23:16 winning an Oscar or a Grammy, they were
23:20 probably with Heft. So obviously as
23:21 someone who wanted to be a music
23:24 supervisor for film and television,
23:27 getting an internship there was huge. A
23:29 lot of my heroes had gotten their starts
23:33 there, and now I was going to be one of
23:36 them. I still couldn't believe it.
23:38 Technically, the internship started
23:40 today, but Lilith and I had been working
23:43 together for a few weeks now. She'd
23:44 reached out to see if I'd be interested
23:46 in helping her get things set up on
23:50 campus. She'd have an office at Morgan.
23:52 The JD Morgan Center was where the staff
23:54 and admin for all athletic teams had
23:56 their offices for the duration of the
23:58 project. And since I had stayed in LA
24:00 over the summer when most of my friends
24:04 had not, I jumped at the chance, and it
24:07 had been the best decision.
24:10 I hadn't known what to expect from a
24:12 successful producer. I'd kind of assumed
24:15 she'd be an [ __ ] to be honest. But
24:17 she was the opposite.
24:20 She was this incredibly successful woman
24:24 who seemed to want to share with me
24:27 everything that she knew. She took me to
24:29 lunch at a sushi place at the Grove and
24:32 she asked me about my goals. And when I
24:34 told her, she pulled a pen out of her
24:37 handbag and started mapping on a napkin
24:39 how best she thought I could achieve
24:43 them. And her insight was everything
24:46 because my plan had been to get my BA in
24:48 music industry with a music supervision
24:51 concentration and then pray for a job
24:54 somewhere in music supervision. But
24:56 Lilith turned me on to the idea of
24:58 getting a job in music licensing as a
25:01 first step. In licensing, you'll work
25:03 with music, but you'll also work with
25:06 film and TV. You'll be earning a salary,
25:08 very important, that whole money thing.
25:10 while creating those valuable
25:12 relationships that will ultimately be
25:14 the key to getting the job you really want.
25:16 want.
25:19 Then she went on to list a handful of my
25:21 idols who'd apparently gotten their
25:24 starts in licensing, and it made so much
25:27 sense. Music supervisors worked with
25:29 licensing on a daily basis, so how
25:32 better to get my foot in the door. Now,
25:34 in addition to the courses required for
25:36 my degree, I was loading up on
25:39 everything licensing related and tacking
25:41 on a licensing certification.
25:44 It truly felt like a road map to my dreams.
25:45 dreams.
25:48 I'm smiling again, I realized as I
25:50 stopped at the corner to wait on the
25:54 light. I was smiling like a damn fool,
25:56 jogging in place. But it was impossible
26:00 not to because this year was about to be everything.
26:02 everything.
26:04 Honestly, I was still beaming like a
26:06 middle schooler in love when I walked
26:08 into my first class.
26:11 Are you kidding me right now, Bam?
26:13 I grinned even bigger as I headed for
26:17 the front of Horus's classroom. What?
26:20 What? Horus Hanks, music professor and
26:23 my all-time favorite teacher, gestured
26:26 in my direction. It's the first day of
26:27 class and you don't even bring a
26:31 notebook, a backpack, a pencil. I'm
26:32 insulted by your lack of school supplies.
26:34 supplies.
26:37 Come on, [ __ ] I said, sitting down at
26:39 the same desk I'd frequented for all
26:41 four of his classes I'd previously
26:44 taken. You and I both know that you
26:47 don't just teach, you perform. I've
26:49 learned that the best way to capture
26:52 your um brilliance is to record your
26:55 class and just rewatch before exams.
26:59 I don't hate the sound of that, he said,
27:02 scratching his bald head. But my
27:03 feelings are still bruised by the disrespect.
27:05 disrespect.
27:09 "My apologies," I said, pulling out my
27:11 phone to make sure it was silenced.
27:14 Horus lost his mind when a phone went off.
27:15 off.
27:18 I hit record when class psychology and
27:21 music management began, and the man did
27:24 not disappoint. He'd always reminded me
27:26 of that drama teacher on Victorious,
27:28 which was probably why I liked him so
27:31 much, teaching in a wildly unorthodox
27:34 manner that was equal parts hilarious
27:36 and embarrassing.
27:41 One time he'd sung an entire lecture in falsetto.
27:42 falsetto.
27:45 His methods were bonkers, but somehow
27:48 they worked. I always learned so much
27:52 from him. My next class was in the same
27:54 building, though less entertaining and
27:57 more boring. And after that, I headed to
27:59 Morgan for my first official internship
28:03 meeting. I was nervous, even though
28:05 Lilith had been super nice the times
28:07 we'd met because she was so amazing that
28:10 I didn't want her to see how amazing I wasn't.
28:11 wasn't.
28:14 I approached her office where I could
28:16 see her working at her computer and I
28:19 knocked on the open door.
28:21 Knock-k knockock. She looked up and
28:25 smiled. Come in and sit, Liz. God, the
28:28 woman was cool. She had a blonde bob
28:31 with razor sharp ends so crisp it looked
28:34 like she'd just left the salon. She was
28:35 wearing a navy blazer over a white
28:37 button-down shirt with the collar
28:39 flipped up, ripped jeans, and a pair of
28:43 tall red pumps. She had that pulled
28:45 together LA look about her like she was
28:47 ready to do a photo shoot for Vogue
28:50 called Business Casual Chic.
28:52 I took a seat in one of her guest chairs
28:56 and said, "So, how's it going?"
28:57 It was impossible for me not to small
29:00 talk when I was nervous.
29:03 Great. Actually, she said, giving me a
29:06 warm smile. I had a meeting this morning
29:09 with the AD and we have a lot of
29:11 exciting ideas for this project.
29:15 That's fantastic, I said. So excited to
29:19 be part of this. Any you can share?
29:21 Well, I'll share everything with you
29:23 because we're a team. But I want to wait
29:25 until they give me the stamp of
29:27 approval. I don't want to get your hopes
29:30 up for what I think is a brilliant plan
29:34 if it doesn't happen. That's fair.
29:36 So, here's your first internship
29:39 assignment," she said, crossing her arms
29:42 and leaning back in her chair. "First of
29:45 all, email me your class schedule and
29:47 your work schedule so I know when you're
29:49 available for networking, but include
29:51 which courses you're taking and who your
29:55 instructors are." Okay, I said cooly
29:57 like I wasn't freaking out that she was
30:00 talking about networking.
30:01 Your coursework is priority because you
30:04 need that degree, but I really think we
30:05 need to make the most out of this
30:07 internship from a career standpoint,
30:09 don't you?
30:11 I couldn't be cool when she said things
30:15 like that. I mean, Lilith Grossman
30:18 saying that to me? Yeah, I couldn't hold
30:21 back the thousand watt nerd grin as I nodded.
30:22 nodded.
30:24 Because Lilith had all the connections I
30:27 could ever dream about. My voice was a
30:29 little too excited when I nodded and
30:33 agreed. Absolutely I do. If you're
30:35 willing to devote the time, I say we
30:37 lean hard into creating some
30:40 foundational business relationships. I'm
30:43 definitely willing, I said, regretting
30:46 the tiny squeal in my voice.
30:48 Perfect. And the second part of your
30:51 assignment, she said, glancing at her
30:53 watch before abruptly standing and
30:55 pushing her chair behind her with the
30:58 backs of her knees, is to watch a season
31:02 of HBO Hard Knocks. Any season really. I
31:06 nodded. Okay. She grabbed a set of keys
31:08 from the corner of the desk and put her
31:10 phone in her jacket pocket. I have to
31:12 head out, but send me the info and watch
31:14 a season of the show. I'll be in touch
31:16 in the next couple days, hopefully with
31:19 all the initial project information.
31:22 Sounds great. I very nearly skipped to
31:25 Epicuria at Acriman for food after that,
31:27 buzzing in anticipation of everything
31:30 that was about to happen in my life. It
31:32 felt like the sun was shining brighter
31:35 that day. The birds were chirping
31:37 louder, and I wanted to do cartwheels
31:39 across campus after I ordered food and
31:41 took it back to the production office. I
31:43 felt like I was on the precipice of
31:46 everything finally happening and it was
31:49 impossible not to hum along to the you
31:51 could start a cult, my favorite song at
31:53 the moment that was playing in my headphones.
31:54 headphones.
31:56 When I got to my cubicle upstairs and on
31:58 the other side of the building from
32:00 Lilith's office, I wolfed down a salad
32:02 at my desk and edited some of the
32:04 footage I'd taken of the football
32:06 players on movein day for a real I was
32:08 making. I was still doing the grunt work
32:11 job for the athletic department, so that
32:15 tiny cube kind of felt like home. "Hey,"
32:17 Clark said, dropping his stuff onto his
32:20 desk. "I thought you were going to do
32:22 the baseball team left this morning." "I
32:24 traded with Cody because I had an early
32:26 class," I said, not looking up from my
32:29 computer. "So now I'm doing their
32:31 practice this afternoon."
32:35 A lot of new freshmen, he said, and I
32:38 heard the tone of his laptop turning on.
32:40 "Am I old if I say they all look like
32:43 little babies?" "They do, though," I
32:45 agreed, thinking back to my freshman
32:48 year. "It was all a blur now, thank
32:52 God." A fuzzy haze of stress and sad
32:55 songs on repeat.
32:57 It's bizarre that we were that wideeyed
33:00 and adorable just two short years ago.
33:03 You can spot him a mile away, too. He
33:06 agreed, his keyboard clicking.
33:09 It's even in the way they walk to class.
33:11 Something about their steps screams,
33:15 "This is my first time. It's like they
33:17 clench their nervous asses and it gives
33:19 them a weird gate." "Do you know if
33:22 there's any more ranch in the fridge?" I
33:24 asked, taking a drink of water to wash
33:26 down my very dry lettuce.
33:28 It's all expired.
33:31 Damn it. We need to go grocery shopping
33:33 for the work fridge because I also
33:34 noticed there's no ketchup or horseradish.
33:36 horseradish.
33:38 I minimized my file to find another image.
33:40 image.
33:43 Who needs horseradish at work? Who
33:47 doesn't? Clark sounded dead serious.
33:50 Horseradish is good on everything.
33:53 Says you.
33:55 We worked like that side by side for a
33:58 couple of hours. Barely speaking.
34:01 It was always that way with us. Clark
34:05 was like my platonic soulmate. I was as
34:06 comfortable with him as I was with
34:09 myself. And sometimes it felt like we
34:11 were just extensions of each other.
34:13 Well, except for the horseradish
34:18 adoration. That was all him.
34:20 Finally, at 3:00, he towered over my
34:23 cube and said, "Should we head over to Jackie?"
34:24 Jackie?"
34:26 Jackie Robinson Stadium was where the
34:29 baseball team did their thing. I nodded
34:32 and saved my work. So, what do they want
34:34 exactly? Just some general baseball
34:37 preseason content, he said, shrugging
34:39 before raising his hands to adjust his hair.
34:41 hair.
34:44 Lifting, practicing. A couple reels
34:47 showing this year's team. Cool, I said,
34:49 closing my laptop and sliding it into
34:54 its bag. That should be easy. Yep, no
34:56 big deal at all. We headed toward his
34:59 truck, nearly getting mowed down by a
35:01 couple of bros on scooters while we
35:04 walked toward the parking lot. I smiled
35:06 in spite of the near miss, though,
35:08 because nothing said school was back in
35:10 session, like nearly getting run over by
35:18 >> Chapter 3.
35:22 The moment I saw you downstairs, I knew
35:24 my favorite wife. Wes,
35:26 Wes,
35:28 "You think you can get tickets?" AJ
35:30 murmured, stretching his elbow over his
35:32 head. He was wearing those stupid
35:33 sunglasses that he bought for five bucks
35:35 in Canada. But I wasn't judging because
35:37 the sun was shining directly into my
35:40 shadeless eyes. "For once, I was jealous
35:43 of his god-awful style." "Probably,"
35:45 Mick answered, leaning into a
35:47 hipstretch. But I need to know how many
35:50 to ask for. You're in, right, Bennett?
35:52 The team was warming up, running through
35:55 stretches, but AJ was doing double duty,
35:56 trying to get us tickets to an epic
35:59 party that was happening Friday night.
36:01 Since I didn't know anyone at UCLA yet,
36:03 aside from the guys on the field beside
36:06 me, I figured I'd just follow along and
36:09 see what transpired. "Sure," I replied
36:12 as I stretched my hamstring. Partying
36:13 wasn't a priority for me, but I wasn't
36:16 opposed to being social either.
36:18 After the hitters split off for base
36:20 running and we, the pitchers, started
36:23 working the bands, I heard my name,
36:26 Bennett, you're up. I glanced toward the
36:28 bullpin and Ross was looking over at me.
36:30 He was the pitching coach, but none of
36:33 us actually called him coach. He was
36:36 just Ross. I jogged over, ready to
36:37 throw, even as my stomach had
36:41 reservations. "Fucking breathe and calm
36:43 down," I told myself. I'd played
36:45 baseball for basically my entire life,
36:47 so I needed to chill with the nervous
36:51 butterflies. It was only practice,
36:53 right? To me, it felt like a hell of a
36:56 lot more than that. After not being able
36:58 to practice for two entire seasons, it
37:00 felt huge that I was there, that these
37:02 opportunities suddenly existed for me
37:05 again after they'd all disappeared. I
37:07 saw Woody, bullpen catcher, getting
37:09 ready, but when I reached Ross, he
37:10 leaned his back against the fence and
37:13 casually said, "So, tell me about your
37:16 first day." I wasn't sure what he was
37:17 looking for when he said it like we were
37:20 just two random dudes chatting. I
37:22 glanced toward Woody before replying.
37:26 "Um, well, come on," Ross said, shaking
37:29 his head with a half smile on his face.
37:30 The guy had always reminded me of a
37:34 young Kevin Cosner, circa Bull Durham,
37:36 because he was not your typical coach.
37:39 He never yelled and he wasn't intense.
37:41 He didn't even seem like an athlete, to
37:45 be honest. He was just cool, like he was
37:47 simply a decent human who knew a lot
37:50 about baseball. He said, "Don't come up
37:52 with a [ __ ] answer for the coach.
37:54 You and I both know this first day of
37:56 school is more than that to you. And I'm
37:58 curious how it's gone so far. What do
38:01 you think of your classes? Ross was the
38:02 one I called when I quit the team 2
38:04 years ago, and he was the one I called
38:06 when I wanted to come back. He was also
38:08 the one who said thanks, but no thanks
38:11 the first 10 times I begged. Two seasons
38:14 off is just too much, kid. They're
38:16 great, I said, meaning it. I mean,
38:18 definitely not easy, but at least they
38:22 seem interesting. Good, he said, turning
38:25 his head to spit. Everything else going
38:27 okay for you? I'm sure it's a little
38:29 weird after everything. Talk about understatements.
38:31 understatements.
38:34 Yeah, it's very weird, but in a good
38:38 way. Had fat cells yet? Not yet. Well,
38:42 don't, he replied, giving me a smirk.
38:43 That stuff will clog your arteries and
38:46 give you a jiggly ass. Stick to brewing
38:50 meal plan [ __ ] I am. I'd heard a lot
38:52 about fat cells, but I was too
38:54 hyperfocused on performance right now to
38:57 put a lot of garbage in my body. I said,
38:58 "Everything here is too expensive
39:03 anyway, right? [ __ ] LA, man." He gave
39:05 his head a shake, straightened, and
39:08 said, "You ready to throw a few?" I
39:10 followed him and threw bullpens, which
39:12 felt amazing. There was nothing in the
39:15 world like throwing a fastball when it
39:17 hit exactly where it was supposed to.
39:19 And all those ridiculous butterflies
39:20 disappeared the second my first pitch
39:23 smacked into Woody's glove. I was on a
39:26 roll. Hell yes. Until I noticed there
39:28 was a giant blonde dude filming me. What
39:31 the hell? Ignore him, Ross said,
39:34 apparently reading my face. They've got
39:36 crews filming all the time for social
39:39 media. You'll get used to it. Ah, I
39:41 said, feeling a twinge of apprehension
39:44 in my gut. I was working my ass off to
39:46 be chill and not focus on the fact that
39:48 how well I performed in preeason could
39:50 basically determine my entire baseball
39:52 future. So, the last thing I needed was
39:54 to have strangers with cameras adding
39:57 pressure. It's just Clark, what he
39:58 yelled, grinning in the direction of the
40:01 Giant. Nobody cares what that [ __ ]
40:04 thinks. Oh, your mom cares, the guy.
40:07 Clark apparently replied with a laugh,
40:09 though he didn't lower the camera to
40:11 stop filming me. And she told me to tell
40:15 you hi. Tell her hi back, what he said,
40:17 pulling his face masks back down. And
40:19 ask her if she can get me tickets to
40:22 your party. She's pretty exhausted, but
40:25 I will, Clark said, which even made me
40:27 laugh. Now shut the hell up so this guy
40:30 can throw. Thanks, I said, taking a deep
40:34 breath. No problem. Clark moved over and
40:36 lowered himself to his knees. Trust me,
40:46 Chapter 4.
40:49 Never let the fear of striking out keep
40:52 you from playing the game. A Cinderella story.
40:53 story. Liz
40:56 Liz Boxy.
40:58 Boxy.
41:01 I turned and Jimmy Rockford was waving
41:03 me over to the dugout with his enormous
41:06 arms. He was a senior catcher coming off
41:09 of a torn ACL and the guy was built like
41:12 a gorilla. A ginger gorilla with a
41:16 braided beard. He was a lot to look at,
41:19 but that was part of his charm.
41:22 Yeah? I asked, pausing my playlist as I
41:24 pointed toward the field where it looked
41:26 like the outfielders were getting in
41:28 their fly ball reps.
41:30 I need to get shots, so I can't chat
41:33 right now. Any extra tickets for Friday?
41:36 My brother wants to come.
41:39 As if. His twin brother, Johnny, played
41:42 rugby with Clark and was a walking
41:45 stereotype. He was huge and rough and
41:47 wild, and when he drank, he was prone to
41:50 fighting and general destruction. I
41:52 liked Johnny, but I wasn't about to
41:55 invite him to a party at our adorable
41:58 new off-campus apartment.
42:00 Sorry, I said as I walked in the other
42:03 direction, grateful my roommates and I
42:05 had all agreed upon a strict adherence
42:08 to the party rule. The three of them
42:12 were wildly social. I was less so, and
42:14 it just made sense to use tickets to
42:17 ensure our parties didn't get too big.
42:20 I'm all out. Check with Clark, though.
42:22 Clark was over by the bullpen getting
42:25 footage of the pictures. I could see the
42:27 back of his head. Not tough when he was
42:31 6'7 with a blonde man bun. So I unzipped
42:33 my camera bag while I approached and
42:36 pulled out everything I'd need. "Right
42:39 on time," he said to me as he filmed
42:42 someone throwing somehow knowing I was
42:45 there without looking up. "Heads up,
42:47 Johnny Rockford is looking for a
42:51 ticket." Clark muttered, "I already told
42:54 that [ __ ] no."
42:57 10 bucks says he shows up anyway. I set
42:59 down my bag, adjusted the camera
43:01 settings, then raised it to take shots
43:04 of the guy Clark was filming. Clark and
43:06 I had gotten good at being invisible.
43:08 And since most of the athletes were used
43:10 to being filmed, no one even noticed us
43:13 there. I looked through the lens at the
43:15 tall pitcher as he let loose with a fast
43:19 ball. And wow, that was some impressive speed.
43:21 speed.
43:23 At a glance, he didn't look familiar, so
43:25 he was probably a freshman.
43:28 Although, technically, I was behind him
43:31 and couldn't see his face at all. So, I
43:33 guess I meant that his backside didn't
43:35 look familiar.
43:38 No, his backside just looked like a very
43:41 nice baseball backside.
43:42 God bless the woman who designed
43:46 baseball pants. And yes, it had to be a woman.
43:48 woman.
43:51 Crap. Do you have a spare battery? I
43:53 asked, irritated that I forgot to charge
43:56 the camera while I'd been in the office.
43:57 The little icon in the corner was
44:00 blinking, which meant I was down to only
44:02 a couple of minutes.
44:06 "My bag," he said, still taking video.
44:10 "In the back of the truck." "Okay," I
44:12 said, annoyed I'd overlooked the
44:15 obvious. "Charge the freaking battery, dumbass.
44:17 dumbass.
44:18 I guess I'm going back to the truck
44:22 then. If you see they've started BP,
44:24 would you mind getting some shots? Clark
44:26 finally lowered his camera and looked at
44:29 me. I have a feeling that's going to be
44:32 better content than bands and bullpens.
44:35 Sure. I ran back to the truck and after
44:38 changing the battery, I spent the next
44:40 hour getting shots of batting practice.
44:42 It was fun to see a lot of the players
44:45 from last year. Mick and Wade were my
44:48 favorites and to watch the new guys.
44:50 UCLA had the number one recruiting class
44:52 in the country, which didn't necessarily
44:54 guarantee a good season, but it made
44:57 their preseason feel like more than just
45:00 training. It felt like a prologue.
45:02 I zoomed in on Wade as he did tea
45:05 drills, snapping shot after shot of the
45:09 seriousness on his never serious face.
45:12 God, it's great to be back.
45:14 I never would have imagined I could fall
45:18 in love with sports, but so help me God,
45:21 this job had made it happen. Because in
45:23 addition to learning the ropes by doing
45:25 things like labeling footage and holding
45:28 the film crews stuff, the craziest thing
45:30 that had come out of my low-level
45:33 production job, I had discovered that in
45:36 addition to music, I loved the process
45:38 of taking flat footage of athletes in
45:41 their habitat and tweaking it into a
45:43 compelling story about the human experience.
45:45 experience.
45:46 Want to go to Ministry of Coffee when
45:49 we're done? I lowered the camera and
45:52 Clark was standing there, his equipment
45:55 all packed up. He said, "I'm bringing
45:57 coffee for like half of my night class
45:59 tonight, so I could use the extra
46:03 hands." "Typical Clark." He knew half
46:04 the class, and it was only the first
46:08 day. "You're finished already?" I
46:11 glanced down at my watch and wow, we'd
46:14 already been there for 2 hours.
46:16 Yeah, but I can wait if you're not, he
46:19 said, running a hand over his hair. I've
46:22 got like 10 people I promised tickets to
46:25 since we got here, so I can text them
46:28 while I wait. I know you're overselling
46:30 the party, by the way, I said
46:32 accusingly, reaching down to grab my bag.
46:34 bag.
46:35 But I think I've got enough hitting
46:38 shots. Let's go get coffee and figure
46:41 out how screwed we are. Sounds good to me.
46:43 me.
46:45 He pulled out his sunglasses and slid
46:47 them up the bridge of his nose.
46:49 But the world's not going to end if our
46:52 party goes a little big, you know. Says
46:55 you. I rolled my eyes and started
46:58 walking with him toward the parking lot.
47:00 You're not the one who can't sleep when
47:02 there are still 60 people in the living
47:04 room at 3:00 in the morning.
47:08 It definitely wasn't 60, he said,
47:11 throwing his arm over my shoulder.
47:13 And if you would have just drunk a
47:15 little more, sleeping wouldn't have been
47:17 a problem.
47:20 I had to laugh at that because Clark was
47:25 phased by nothing ever. A bomb could go
47:27 off in his bedroom and he'd say
47:30 something trit like, "Well, I guess the
47:31 universe thought it was time for me to redecorate."
47:34 redecorate."
47:36 Just tell me you didn't promise Woody a
47:39 ticket," I said, knowing without a doubt
47:42 that he probably had. Every person I
47:44 knew loved the bullpen catcher from
47:49 Alabama, Mr. Southern Charm, but I did not.
47:50 not.
47:53 He wasn't a bad guy, but I went on a
47:55 date with him last year. It was my one
47:58 and only college date before I realized
48:01 I no longer believed in romance. when he
48:06 a told me he hated cats, b called me red
48:09 like that was a universally accepted pet
48:12 name for a redhead, and cissed
48:14 my neck while we were standing in line
48:16 at the movie theater concession stand.
48:20 And ever since that ill- fated date,
48:23 every time I saw him, I had the pleasure
48:25 of answering his 20 questions about why
48:28 I never let him take me out again.
48:30 I gave some to a couple of the freshman
48:34 pitchers, Clark said defensively.
48:37 So, I had to give one to Woody. I mean,
48:41 he was right there. I had no choice.
48:44 I shook my head at my pathetically soft friend.
48:45 friend.
48:49 Well, if I murder him, I'm making you
48:50 bury the body and get rid of the evidence.
48:52 evidence.
48:56 Deal, he said. I'll even spring for the shovel.
49:04 >> Chapter 5.
49:06 No matter what happens in the next 5
49:08 minutes, I want you to know that when I
49:10 open this door, I was so happy to see
49:13 you that my heart leapt. It leapt in my
49:17 chest. For the love of the game, Wes,
49:19 Wes,
49:22 the first week flew by. The baseball
49:24 part of it, aka hell week, was pretty
49:28 intense. Practice, lifting, position,
49:31 specific practice, conditioning. I spent
49:32 more time suffering with my teammates
49:35 than I did with my coursework, which
49:36 sent me scootering to the library every
49:38 night and attempt to stay ahead of my
49:41 studies. POW was the main library on
49:42 campus, the one that made sense for me
49:45 to use as my studying home base. But I
49:46 like to go a little farther and study at
49:49 the music library because it was quieter.
49:51 quieter.
49:54 Okay, that was total [ __ ] I studied
49:56 at the quiet music library in hopes of
49:58 running into a certain music student who
50:01 might also be studying there. A music
50:04 student with green eyes, copper hair,
50:07 and tattooed daisies on her hip. A music
50:09 student I dreamed about nearly every
50:12 night, whose voice I could still hear.
50:15 Whose perfume I could still smell. I had
50:17 yet to see her, but I sensed she was
50:20 close. I had a few ideas on how to
50:23 accidentally run into her, such as spend
50:25 an entire day studying in the lobby of
50:27 Shonberg, where all her music classes
50:30 were likely held. Ask my teammate Eli's
50:31 girlfriend, who worked in the
50:33 registars's office, to screenshot Liz's
50:35 schedule. Call Mr. Bucks Balam and beg
50:36 for intel. Call Helena and beg for
50:39 intel, etc. But I needed my life to slow
50:42 down in order for me to make it happen.
50:45 So on Friday night, as I walked back to
50:47 my dorm after a chaotic first week and
50:50 zero Liz sightings at the library, I was
50:52 really looking forward to going out. Not
50:54 to get shitfaced, but just to let loose
50:56 with the guys and have an entire evening
50:57 where I wasn't thinking about school or
51:01 baseball or her. I punched my code into
51:04 the keypad and pushed open the door.
51:06 It's about [ __ ] time. Wade, first
51:09 baseman and one of my sweetmates said
51:10 looking like a douche as he stood in the
51:12 middle of the shared living room wearing
51:14 tight jeans, a white t-shirt, a black
51:17 blazer, what the hell, and a goddamn
51:20 fedora on his big head. I am ready to
51:23 go. He was with Mickey Catcher/ other
51:26 sweetmate and AJ who weren't dressed
51:28 like Bruno Mars, thank God. And they all
51:31 appeared to be waiting on me. Where? To
51:34 a costume party? I asked, dropping my
51:37 backpack onto the coffee table. Don't be
51:39 jealous of my style, Bennett, Wade said,
51:41 dusting the front of his jacket like he
51:44 was big [ __ ] Oh, I am definitely not
51:47 that. Just get yourself together because
51:48 we already called an Uber and it's on
51:51 the way. AJ said, "If I'm not dancing
51:54 soon, I'm going to lose it." "My
51:55 favorite thing about AJ was the fact
51:57 that he didn't give a damn what anyone
51:59 thought about him. And not in an [ __ ]
52:02 way, but in a true to himself way. My
52:05 boy loved dancing like all out covered
52:07 in sweat because he's dancing so hard.
52:10 He loved Kdramas and he would argue to
52:12 the death the merits of seltzer being
52:14 better than beer.
52:16 How long? I asked, really wanting a
52:17 shower after speeding back to hitch
52:20 under the warm California sun. AJ looked
52:24 at his phone. It says my driver Lissa is
52:26 uh 12 minutes away. I can shower in
52:29 three. I went into the bedroom to grab
52:31 clean clothes and yelled, "I'm good in
52:33 jeans and a t-shirt, right?" "No, you
52:36 scrub." Wade replied at the exact second
52:39 AJ and Mickey yelled in unison, "Yes."
52:41 I ducked into the shower and was ready
52:43 just in time to slide into Lissa's ride
52:45 with everyone else. AJ started chatting
52:47 up Lissa because she was exactly his
52:49 type. Dark-haired bombshell with book
52:52 quotes tattooed on her arm, but she was
52:54 having none of his [ __ ] She dropped
52:56 us at an apartment complex that was
52:58 swanky as hell, and I was in shock as we
53:02 got into the elevator. Wow. I looked at
53:03 the illuminated numbers on the elevator
53:06 display as the doors closed behind us.
53:08 College students live here. I couldn't
53:10 even fathom a guess as to how much the
53:12 rent would be in a place like this. It
53:14 wasn't a building for 20somes. It was a
53:17 building for wealthy adults and trust
53:19 fund babies. I mean, the door man was
53:22 collecting party tickets for God's sake.
53:24 What the hell are we doing here? I
53:27 pressed the two button. Clark said his
53:29 roommate's parents are loaded, Wade
53:31 said. And that they bought the condo
53:32 just so their kid could rent it from
53:37 them every month. Damn, I said. Clark,
53:38 the giant at practice with the video
53:40 camera. Seemed down to earth and very
53:42 chill, so I was surprised he lived with
53:46 someone so wealthy. Must be nice, right?
53:48 Why don't I have friends like that? AJ
53:50 said, finger combing his hair as he
53:52 stared at his reflection in the elevator
53:54 wall. When the doors opened, we could
53:56 immediately hear the music coming from
53:58 down the hall. I wasn't sure how anyone
54:00 was able to pull off that noise level
54:02 without the neighbors calling the cops.
54:04 Maybe the units in the building were
54:06 insulated so well that they couldn't
54:09 hear it. Doubtful. We followed the sound
54:12 to 2C. The door was closed, but it was
54:13 so loud on the other side that knocking
54:16 would be ridiculous. AJ turned the knob,
54:19 pushed, and just like that, the party
54:22 was upon us. We stepped inside, and holy
54:25 balls, I was impressed. Holy, holy
54:28 balls. Was this what parties were like
54:32 in LA? Or was this unusual?
54:33 From our spot in the foyer, we could see
54:36 a living room packed full of people.
54:38 Some were dancing, some were talking,
54:40 but the sound system was what had me
54:43 losing my mind. This party sounded like
54:45 we were in a club. Like, yes, the music
54:48 was loud, but the sound was incredible.
54:50 Also, Heaven Angel was a banger I hadn't
54:53 heard in way too long. I could see a
54:54 huge kitchen off to the right of the
54:56 living room where there appeared to be
54:58 even more people drinking. It was
55:00 controlled chaos, though, in spite of
55:03 how huge it was. Unlike the high school
55:05 parties back home, where couches
55:06 sometimes caught fire and fights were
55:08 known to break out, everyone was
55:12 actually behaving. How is this possible?
55:14 See why I said we had to get tickets?
55:19 Wade said, grinning. Insane, right?
55:21 Unreal, I shouted, laughing because it
55:25 was insane. Are we on a reality show? I
55:28 love you, man. AJ yelled to Wade, his
55:30 eyes all over the room like he was a
55:31 toddler who'd woken up in the middle of
55:33 Santa's workshop. I followed his
55:35 starruck gaze and noticed that there
55:39 were a lot of girls there. A lot. Yet, I
55:40 didn't care because I didn't see the
55:42 only one who mattered. "Let's go get
55:44 some beers," Mickey yelled, pointing
55:46 somewhere where I assumed there were
55:48 beers. I didn't know where we were
55:58 Chapter 6.
56:00 I don't know very much about him except
56:05 that I love him. It happened one night. Liz,
56:11 come get your shot box.
56:15 No thanks, I said, yelled rather, giving
56:17 a wave to Campbell from my spot in the
56:19 corner as the party started getting
56:23 crowded. I'm good. You're not good until
56:26 we say you're good. She picked up the
56:27 four shot glasses from the kitchen
56:29 island in front of her, held them over
56:31 her head, and made her way toward me
56:33 with my other two roommates following
56:36 behind her. It was a tradition on house
56:38 party nights for the four of us to share
56:41 a shot together before things got crazy.
56:44 My roommates were as follows. Campbell,
56:46 a sophomore soccer player who was
56:48 stunningly beautiful and could also
56:52 drink anyone. Man, woman, or frat boy
56:55 under the table. Clark, a senior who was
56:57 as good at rugby as he was at knitting.
57:01 And Leonardo, a charming Italian biology
57:04 major whose parents were loaded. Hence
57:07 the luxury right across from campus
57:09 apartment we were renting from them for
57:12 next to nothing. So basically it was me,
57:14 someone who only socialized when forced
57:17 and three engaging humans who lived to entertain.
57:19 entertain.
57:23 I'd never been into partying. Too loud,
57:26 too crowded, too boozy. But after I told
57:28 them that, my amazing roommates created
57:31 a role that managed to turn me into a
57:35 party fiend. I was the DJ at every party
57:38 we ever had. Leo built a raised
57:40 workstation in the corner of the living
57:42 room so I could see everything from my
57:45 platform, but I was out of the way so
57:46 people didn't really notice me unless
57:49 they were trying. I spent the days
57:51 before a party curating the perfect
57:54 party playlist, timing out the songs to
57:56 match the tone of a party's chronology.
57:58 chill music when people were mingling at
58:01 the beginning. A mix of everything
58:03 people liked to sing along and dance to
58:05 when they started getting rowdy. And
58:07 then I brought out all the bangers.
58:11 Clark's word choice, not mine. For when
58:13 things were roaring.
58:15 There was nothing quite like the rush of
58:18 seeing it work, of seeing everyone shout
58:20 singing to my musical selections.
58:23 I was obsessed with it. obsessed to the
58:25 point that I'd become quite the little
58:27 party planner just to witness it all go
58:30 down over and over again.
58:34 Last year, we had one bigish party each
58:38 quarter, all with themes. The oh [ __ ]
58:40 we're back bash. Tonight was version
58:44 2.0. The Christmas sleigh, the anti
58:47 Valentine's Day party, and the school's
58:50 out for the summer so everyone kiss extravaganza.
58:51 extravaganza.
58:54 Leo being Leo, invited all our
58:57 neighbors, most of whom were grown ass
58:59 successful adults, and also gave them
59:01 his phone number so they could reach him
59:04 if the party got too loud. I thought he
59:06 was insane the first time, but they
59:08 loved him for it, and we had
59:11 trouble-free parties.
59:13 Before my madeup role of DJ came to
59:16 pass, whenever I was forced to go to a
59:19 party, I'd just stand beside whomever I
59:21 came with and wait for fun to happen,
59:26 which, spoiler, it didn't. As someone
59:28 not looking for romance, not a big
59:30 drinker, and not incredibly fond of
59:34 conversation with strangers, fun wasn't
59:37 synonymous with a college party for me.
59:40 But not anymore because now I was able
59:42 to enjoy my favorite parts without
59:45 dreading the rest. I got to do the whole
59:48 cute outfit, good makeup thing, which
59:50 was the best part of going to a party.
59:52 The night I'd found the perfect black
59:54 and white dotted dress to go with my red
59:56 chucks. I was able to be excited for an
59:58 event and have fun with my friends. Yet,
60:00 I got to watch from afar while being invisible and doing music. And it helped
60:04 invisible and doing music. And it helped that my roommates were stingy with their
60:05 that my roommates were stingy with their invites. Campbell's tickets usually went
60:08 invites. Campbell's tickets usually went to soccer players and their significant
60:09 to soccer players and their significant others. Leo mostly invited scientists
60:12 others. Leo mostly invited scientists and a smattering of beautiful girls.
60:15 and a smattering of beautiful girls. Clarks went to baseball friends and
60:17 Clarks went to baseball friends and rugby players who were hardcore but
60:20 rugby players who were hardcore but surprisingly sweet. And mine usually
60:24 surprisingly sweet. And mine usually went to random athletes that I knew who
60:26 went to random athletes that I knew who asked me for tickets while I was
60:28 asked me for tickets while I was working. Bottom line, there weren't many
60:31 working. Bottom line, there weren't many strangers at our parties, which made
60:33 strangers at our parties, which made them feel safe. Here, Campbell said,
60:37 them feel safe. Here, Campbell said, handing me a shot of vodka as Clark and
60:39 handing me a shot of vodka as Clark and Leo grabbed theirs.
60:41 Leo grabbed theirs. "What's the toast tonight, kiddos?"
60:44 "What's the toast tonight, kiddos?" Clark said, his loud voice hard to hear
60:47 Clark said, his loud voice hard to hear over the noise as he held up his shot.
60:49 over the noise as he held up his shot. His hair was in a high ponytail, which
60:52 His hair was in a high ponytail, which looked both ridiculous and amazing on
60:54 looked both ridiculous and amazing on him somehow.
60:56 him somehow. Work hard, play hard, stay hard," Leo
60:59 Work hard, play hard, stay hard," Leo said, raising his glass to Clark's,
61:02 said, raising his glass to Clark's, ruining the obnoxiousness of the toast
61:05 ruining the obnoxiousness of the toast by giggling his adorable high-pitched
61:07 by giggling his adorable high-pitched laugh. "To working hard," Campbell said,
61:12 laugh. "To working hard," Campbell said, rolling her eyes and joining the toast.
61:15 rolling her eyes and joining the toast. "To all the hardness!" I yelled as we
61:18 "To all the hardness!" I yelled as we clinkedked and tossed back our shots. I
61:22 clinkedked and tossed back our shots. I glanced toward the door as it opened and
61:24 glanced toward the door as it opened and more people came in. Then said, "Now
61:27 more people came in. Then said, "Now leave me alone. DJ Lizzy needs to work."
61:31 leave me alone. DJ Lizzy needs to work." Wade Brooks walked in as my roommates
61:33 Wade Brooks walked in as my roommates dispersed. Wearing that stupid fedora
61:37 dispersed. Wearing that stupid fedora that I told him no less than 10 times
61:39 that I told him no less than 10 times made him look like a douche. I'd given
61:41 made him look like a douche. I'd given him my last few tickets. He and his
61:43 him my last few tickets. He and his friends were always fun, and I was glad
61:45 friends were always fun, and I was glad I did when I saw Mick follow him in. I
61:48 I did when I saw Mick follow him in. I met them last year and they loved to
61:50 met them last year and they loved to party. But the baseball guys never got
61:52 party. But the baseball guys never got handsy or turned creepy when drunk,
61:55 handsy or turned creepy when drunk, which I very much appreciated. Bonus
61:58 which I very much appreciated. Bonus points for being better than a large
62:00 points for being better than a large portion of the general male population.
62:03 portion of the general male population. I took a drink of my Captain Morgan and
62:05 I took a drink of my Captain Morgan and Coke as a couple more guys came in
62:07 Coke as a couple more guys came in behind them. A short blonde and a tall.
62:10 behind them. A short blonde and a tall. Oh my god. Oh my god. I gasped, coughing
62:16 Oh my god. Oh my god. I gasped, coughing on my drink as my hand clutched my
62:18 on my drink as my hand clutched my chest. I squinted and stared, unable to
62:22 chest. I squinted and stared, unable to believe my eyes as I tried to get a
62:24 believe my eyes as I tried to get a better look.
62:26 better look. Everything in my body, my breath, my
62:29 Everything in my body, my breath, my heart, the movement of the blood in my
62:32 heart, the movement of the blood in my veins came to a complete and total stop.
62:37 veins came to a complete and total stop. I was paralyzed, entirely frozen as I
62:40 I was paralyzed, entirely frozen as I watched him laugh at something the
62:43 watched him laugh at something the blonde guy said.
62:46 blonde guy said. Dear God, it was Wes. Wes Bennett was in
62:50 Dear God, it was Wes. Wes Bennett was in my apartment.
62:52 my apartment. I was instantly lightheaded as I tried
62:55 I was instantly lightheaded as I tried to process his presence. The power of
62:58 to process his presence. The power of Wes in the flesh overwhelming after 2
63:00 Wes in the flesh overwhelming after 2 years of watered down, diluted memories.
63:05 years of watered down, diluted memories. I think I'm going to faint.
63:07 I think I'm going to faint. This was impossible. How was he there?
63:10 This was impossible. How was he there? Why was he there? Was he visiting
63:12 Why was he there? Was he visiting someone?
63:14 someone? This can't be happening. My stomach felt
63:17 This can't be happening. My stomach felt like a huge knot. A huge knot that was
63:20 like a huge knot. A huge knot that was surrounded by a plague of wing flapping
63:23 surrounded by a plague of wing flapping moths as I watched Wes Bennett enter my
63:26 moths as I watched Wes Bennett enter my living room. Dear God, Wes is in my
63:30 living room. Dear God, Wes is in my house.
63:31 house. I took a deep breath and tried my
63:33 I took a deep breath and tried my hardest to remain calm, to not feel like
63:36 hardest to remain calm, to not feel like I was about to pass out or throw up, but
63:39 I was about to pass out or throw up, but my heart was beating too fast. He was
63:42 my heart was beating too fast. He was grinning and talking to Wade and the
63:44 grinning and talking to Wade and the blonde. His smile is exactly the same.
63:47 blonde. His smile is exactly the same. And I felt like I couldn't catch my
63:49 And I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I might be having a heart
63:51 breath. I might be having a heart attack.
63:53 attack. I'd forgotten how tall he was. Maybe I
63:56 I'd forgotten how tall he was. Maybe I hadn't,
63:58 hadn't, but he looked even bigger now. His
64:01 but he looked even bigger now. His shoulders had expanded and his chest
64:05 shoulders had expanded and his chest looked wide under his Cubs t-shirt, like
64:08 looked wide under his Cubs t-shirt, like he was the professional version of the
64:10 he was the professional version of the recreational boy I'd once known.
64:13 recreational boy I'd once known. His face looked harder, like he'd lost
64:16 His face looked harder, like he'd lost all the excess and was whittleled down
64:18 all the excess and was whittleled down into only sharp angles and dark eyes.
64:23 into only sharp angles and dark eyes. And the neck I'd always been distracted
64:24 And the neck I'd always been distracted by looked somehow more intriguing. Could
64:28 by looked somehow more intriguing. Could a neck be muscular?
64:31 a neck be muscular? God, how is he still so beautiful?
64:35 God, how is he still so beautiful? He threw his head back and laughed. And
64:37 He threw his head back and laughed. And even though I couldn't hear it over the
64:39 even though I couldn't hear it over the noise, I knew exactly what it sounded
64:41 noise, I knew exactly what it sounded like.
64:43 like. A laugh I'd recognize anywhere.
64:46 A laugh I'd recognize anywhere. God, I hated him for looking that good.
64:49 God, I hated him for looking that good. He wasn't allowed to look that good.
64:53 He wasn't allowed to look that good. They headed toward the kitchen, probably
64:55 They headed toward the kitchen, probably looking for beer. And I tried to take a
64:57 looking for beer. And I tried to take a deep breath and get a grip. But it was
65:00 deep breath and get a grip. But it was impossible when unbidden, so freaking
65:04 impossible when unbidden, so freaking unwelcome,
65:05 unwelcome, the memory of the last time I'd spoken
65:07 the memory of the last time I'd spoken to him came at me.
65:10 to him came at me. New Year's Day, two years ago.
65:14 New Year's Day, two years ago. I showed up at his house with questions,
65:17 I showed up at his house with questions, positive the rumor couldn't be true.
65:20 positive the rumor couldn't be true. And then he looked me in the eye and
65:23 And then he looked me in the eye and told me that it was.
65:26 told me that it was. Why is he here now after all this time?
65:29 Why is he here now after all this time? Does he even know this is my house?
65:33 Does he even know this is my house? I lifted my glass and gulped down the
65:34 I lifted my glass and gulped down the last of my drink, very aware of the way
65:37 last of my drink, very aware of the way my hands were shaking. I wanted to run
65:40 my hands were shaking. I wanted to run and hide. Yet at the very same time, I
65:43 and hide. Yet at the very same time, I felt like screaming his name just to see
65:45 felt like screaming his name just to see his reaction.
65:47 his reaction. I needed to get a grip. I needed to calm
65:50 I needed to get a grip. I needed to calm down. I needed air.
66:01 Chapter 7. I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be
66:05 I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly. You've got mail.
66:09 you so badly. You've got mail. Wes.
66:11 Wes. I think she went outside. I followed
66:13 I think she went outside. I followed Wade out the patio door and onto the
66:15 Wade out the patio door and onto the huge balcony as he tried finding
66:17 huge balcony as he tried finding Campbell someone. Apparently, she lived
66:19 Campbell someone. Apparently, she lived here and he was slightly obsessed with
66:20 here and he was slightly obsessed with her. So, since I had nothing better to
66:22 her. So, since I had nothing better to do, I accompanied him on his search. "It
66:26 do, I accompanied him on his search. "It might prove amusing watching Brooks
66:27 might prove amusing watching Brooks drool all over himself." "Is that her?"
66:30 drool all over himself." "Is that her?" I asked, nodding my head in the
66:32 I asked, nodding my head in the direction of a tall blonde in a very
66:34 direction of a tall blonde in a very short dress. "There really were a lot of
66:36 short dress. "There really were a lot of girls at the party. No wonder he'd been
66:38 girls at the party. No wonder he'd been foaming at the mouth to get here." "No,"
66:42 foaming at the mouth to get here." "No," Wade said. "But maybe Liz knows. Come
66:44 Wade said. "But maybe Liz knows. Come on." I barely had time to register the
66:47 on." I barely had time to register the name Liz when I saw her. Oh my god,
66:53 name Liz when I saw her. Oh my god, there she is. Libby. Holy [ __ ] She was
66:58 there she is. Libby. Holy [ __ ] She was standing there by herself on the balcony
67:00 standing there by herself on the balcony looking like everything I'd ever wanted.
67:03 looking like everything I'd ever wanted. The sights and sounds of the party, of
67:05 The sights and sounds of the party, of the world disappeared as my eyes drank
67:06 the world disappeared as my eyes drank her in, desperate and needy after being
67:09 her in, desperate and needy after being deprived of the sight of her for way too
67:11 deprived of the sight of her for way too long. God, was it weird that I felt a
67:13 long. God, was it weird that I felt a little choked up? My throat was tight as
67:16 little choked up? My throat was tight as I tried taking a deep breath, but it
67:18 I tried taking a deep breath, but it felt impossible
67:20 felt impossible because there she was. Finally, she's
67:24 because there she was. Finally, she's here. Liz within reach. Holy [ __ ] And
67:28 here. Liz within reach. Holy [ __ ] And how is it possible that she'd gotten
67:30 how is it possible that she'd gotten prettier? It felt like years and also
67:33 prettier? It felt like years and also minutes since I'd last touched her. And
67:36 minutes since I'd last touched her. And I clenched all 10 of my fingers, a
67:38 I clenched all 10 of my fingers, a little dizzy from the power of my want.
67:40 little dizzy from the power of my want. She was wearing a black dress that
67:42 She was wearing a black dress that looked amazing on her. But it didn't
67:44 looked amazing on her. But it didn't matter. The dress was unnecessary. Like
67:47 matter. The dress was unnecessary. Like her clothes weren't important anymore,
67:49 her clothes weren't important anymore, which is a weird thing to think, but
67:51 which is a weird thing to think, but they didn't matter. clothes were merely
67:54 they didn't matter. clothes were merely a distraction because her skin, face,
67:58 a distraction because her skin, face, arms, perfect legs had a glow now, like
68:01 arms, perfect legs had a glow now, like she'd been in residence with the warm
68:03 she'd been in residence with the warm rays of the California sun 24 hours a
68:05 rays of the California sun 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, which makes sense
68:08 day, 7 days a week, which makes sense since she hasn't been home in 2 years.
68:11 since she hasn't been home in 2 years. With her long, loose braayed and slick
68:13 With her long, loose braayed and slick nude lips, Libby was a summer siren
68:16 nude lips, Libby was a summer siren whose magic had nothing to do with what
68:17 whose magic had nothing to do with what she was wearing. She [ __ ] glowed. I
68:21 she was wearing. She [ __ ] glowed. I swear to God. And the words Blake Rose
68:23 swear to God. And the words Blake Rose was singing through the speakers as Wade
68:25 was singing through the speakers as Wade and I approached made the hairs on the
68:26 and I approached made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. "Me and you,
68:30 back of my neck stand up. "Me and you, we're supposed to be together." "Hey,
68:32 we're supposed to be together." "Hey, Buxy, where's your roomie?" Wade asked,
68:35 Buxy, where's your roomie?" Wade asked, walking right up to her and pulling on
68:37 walking right up to her and pulling on her braid. "What?" Liz blinked and
68:40 her braid. "What?" Liz blinked and looked confused as she gave him a vague
68:41 looked confused as she gave him a vague smile like he'd pulled her back from a
68:43 smile like he'd pulled her back from a million miles away. And then she saw me.
68:47 million miles away. And then she saw me. Her smile disappeared, her cheeks
68:49 Her smile disappeared, her cheeks flushed, and she swallowed, looking as
68:52 flushed, and she swallowed, looking as shocked as I felt. I swear to God, I
68:54 shocked as I felt. I swear to God, I heard her gasp. But that might have been
68:56 heard her gasp. But that might have been me. Because after haunting my dreams for
68:59 me. Because after haunting my dreams for almost 2 years, Libby was suddenly
69:01 almost 2 years, Libby was suddenly standing right in front of me, looking
69:03 standing right in front of me, looking up at me with those long lashed green
69:05 up at me with those long lashed green eyes, looking like everything I'd ever
69:07 eyes, looking like everything I'd ever needed. Am I [ __ ] trembling? I could
69:11 needed. Am I [ __ ] trembling? I could smell the Chanel number five on her
69:13 smell the Chanel number five on her skin, and I wanted to hyperventilate on
69:15 skin, and I wanted to hyperventilate on it because holy [ __ ] I was finally
69:17 it because holy [ __ ] I was finally close enough to breathe her in. "Hey,
69:20 close enough to breathe her in. "Hey, Bucks bomb," I managed, which was
69:22 Bucks bomb," I managed, which was ludicrous. There was so much history
69:25 ludicrous. There was so much history between us, a million I love yous and a
69:28 between us, a million I love yous and a thousand stolen kisses. Yet, the two
69:30 thousand stolen kisses. Yet, the two words I managed to piece together in her
69:32 words I managed to piece together in her presence were the same words I might use
69:33 presence were the same words I might use to say hi to any random stranger who
69:35 to say hi to any random stranger who shared her last name. You brilliant,
69:38 shared her last name. You brilliant, charming idiot.
69:41 charming idiot. Wes. Oh my god. Her voice was scratchy,
69:44 Wes. Oh my god. Her voice was scratchy, but I wanted to draw to my knees and beg
69:46 but I wanted to draw to my knees and beg her to say it 10 more times. Slow down
69:48 her to say it 10 more times. Slow down and say it again, Lib. She blinked fast
69:51 and say it again, Lib. She blinked fast and gave me a polite, "How are you?"
69:54 and gave me a polite, "How are you?" Cool was impossible. I felt the
69:57 Cool was impossible. I felt the ridiculousness of my smile as it became
69:59 ridiculousness of my smile as it became my entire personality. I was a clown,
70:02 my entire personality. I was a clown, grinning from head to toe, but I
70:04 grinning from head to toe, but I couldn't reel it in because it was
70:05 couldn't reel it in because it was finally happening. I daydreamed on a
70:08 finally happening. I daydreamed on a daily basis about running into Liz since
70:11 daily basis about running into Liz since the moment I committed to UCLA. And
70:13 the moment I committed to UCLA. And there was just no way for me to disguise
70:15 there was just no way for me to disguise my absolute joy in this moment. Better
70:17 my absolute joy in this moment. Better now. Her eyes moved all over my face
70:20 now. Her eyes moved all over my face like she had a million questions she was
70:22 like she had a million questions she was trying to work through. Yeah. Um, focus,
70:26 trying to work through. Yeah. Um, focus, Liz, Wade interrupted, snapping his
70:29 Liz, Wade interrupted, snapping his fingers, oblivious to the reunion
70:30 fingers, oblivious to the reunion happening in front of him. Where is
70:33 happening in front of him. Where is Campbell? She shook her head like he was
70:35 Campbell? She shook her head like he was ridiculous.
70:37 ridiculous. hiding from you probably. Now see, he
70:41 hiding from you probably. Now see, he teased, grinning. That's just mean. She
70:44 teased, grinning. That's just mean. She was flustered, a wrinkle between her
70:46 was flustered, a wrinkle between her brows as she blinked fast. But she
70:48 brows as she blinked fast. But she teased him back and necessary. You go
70:52 teased him back and necessary. You go too hard. I'd tell Campbell that she's
70:54 too hard. I'd tell Campbell that she's beautiful, he said. And she acts like
70:56 beautiful, he said. And she acts like I've insulted her. Make it make sense.
70:59 I've insulted her. Make it make sense. You tell her she's beautiful when you
71:01 You tell her she's beautiful when you remember she exists," Liz corrected,
71:04 remember she exists," Liz corrected, giving him a smirk that I felt in my
71:06 giving him a smirk that I felt in my knees. "You only think of her when we
71:08 knees. "You only think of her when we have a party, and then you follow her
71:10 have a party, and then you follow her around like a puppy for the entire
71:12 around like a puppy for the entire night." "Because I'm smitten," he said,
71:15 night." "Because I'm smitten," he said, grinning like she'd given him a
71:16 grinning like she'd given him a compliment. And love struck. "That's not
71:20 compliment. And love struck. "That's not actually a thing," she said, rolling her
71:22 actually a thing," she said, rolling her eyes. And jealousy hit me hard in the
71:24 eyes. And jealousy hit me hard in the gut. "I wanted to tease her and have her
71:27 gut. "I wanted to tease her and have her tease me back. That was our thing. I
71:29 tease me back. That was our thing. I think I miss that more than I miss
71:30 think I miss that more than I miss kissing her. Okay, that's a lie. But
71:33 kissing her. Okay, that's a lie. But being Liz's friend was everything. Wade
71:36 being Liz's friend was everything. Wade gave his head a shake. "You're the most
71:39 gave his head a shake. "You're the most unromantic female I've ever met, Bucks."
71:41 unromantic female I've ever met, Bucks." "Thank you," she said off-handedly,
71:44 "Thank you," she said off-handedly, barely noticing his comment. "But I felt
71:47 barely noticing his comment. "But I felt lost, like I was in a class and missed
71:49 lost, like I was in a class and missed something in the assignment." "Because
71:52 something in the assignment." "Because Liz Bucksbomb unromantic."
71:55 Liz Bucksbomb unromantic." "Not a compliment," Wade said, laughing.
71:58 "Not a compliment," Wade said, laughing. and you're not smitten. You're just
72:00 and you're not smitten. You're just intrigued because you aren't used to
72:01 intrigued because you aren't used to being rejected. She smiled like he was a
72:04 being rejected. She smiled like he was a mischievous child absolutely manhandling
72:07 mischievous child absolutely manhandling the wildly overconfident first baseman.
72:10 the wildly overconfident first baseman. Trust me, Wade, if she treated you like
72:12 Trust me, Wade, if she treated you like the baseball god that so many foolish
72:14 the baseball god that so many foolish people think you are, you'd be over her
72:16 people think you are, you'd be over her in a hot minute. "Oh, there she is," he
72:19 in a hot minute. "Oh, there she is," he interrupted. And then he just sprinted
72:21 interrupted. And then he just sprinted away from us, running across the balcony
72:23 away from us, running across the balcony and back inside.
72:25 and back inside. Well, I said as Liz and I watched him
72:28 Well, I said as Liz and I watched him disappear into the apartment. There he
72:30 disappear into the apartment. There he goes. The vibe changed in an instant.
72:34 goes. The vibe changed in an instant. Liz crossed her arms and chewed on the
72:35 Liz crossed her arms and chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking like she
72:37 inside of her cheek, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but here. Her
72:39 wanted to be anywhere but here. Her cheeks were flush, but my face was on
72:41 cheeks were flush, but my face was on fire as her eyes moved to a spot just
72:43 fire as her eyes moved to a spot just past my shoulder. Like she didn't want
72:45 past my shoulder. Like she didn't want to look at me. I cleared my throat and
72:48 to look at me. I cleared my throat and said,
72:50 said, "So, Liz,
72:52 "So, Liz, hi.
72:54 hi. Hi. It was absurd. Maybe better than,
72:58 Hi. It was absurd. Maybe better than, "Hey, Bucks bomb, but still one casual
73:01 "Hey, Bucks bomb, but still one casual syllable, like we were lab partners who
73:03 syllable, like we were lab partners who seen each other earlier that day and not
73:05 seen each other earlier that day and not two people who'd seen each other. Hi,
73:07 two people who'd seen each other. Hi, Wes." She put her hands in her pockets,
73:10 Wes." She put her hands in her pockets, and the smile she had for Wade was long
73:12 and the smile she had for Wade was long gone. Her face was all tension as she
73:14 gone. Her face was all tension as she said, "I um had no idea you were in LA.
73:19 said, "I um had no idea you were in LA. Are you here visiting someone or?" She
73:22 Are you here visiting someone or?" She trailed off and it was obvious that she
73:24 trailed off and it was obvious that she hadn't even considered the idea that I
73:26 hadn't even considered the idea that I might be a student. "I'm back,
73:29 might be a student. "I'm back, actually," I said, wondering how that
73:31 actually," I said, wondering how that week together in LA when we were
73:33 week together in LA when we were incoming freshman could feel like two
73:35 incoming freshman could feel like two lifetimes ago. I'm restarting the whole
73:38 lifetimes ago. I'm restarting the whole freshman year at UCLA thing. If she were
73:41 freshman year at UCLA thing. If she were drinking, she would have done a spit
73:42 drinking, she would have done a spit take. Her eyes widened and her perfectly
73:45 take. Her eyes widened and her perfectly arched brows went all the way up.
73:47 arched brows went all the way up. "You're a student here?" I nodded and
73:52 "You're a student here?" I nodded and I'm back on the team. Her eyebrows went
73:54 I'm back on the team. Her eyebrows went down and crinkled together and she
73:56 down and crinkled together and she sounded like she couldn't believe it
73:57 sounded like she couldn't believe it when she said, "You're playing baseball
73:59 when she said, "You're playing baseball again." Yeah, I can hardly believe it
74:02 again." Yeah, I can hardly believe it myself. After my dad died, I couldn't
74:05 myself. After my dad died, I couldn't even look at a baseball. So, of course,
74:07 even look at a baseball. So, of course, this didn't make sense to her. She'd
74:10 this didn't make sense to her. She'd been there well on the other end of the
74:12 been there well on the other end of the phone when I freaked out at the thought
74:14 phone when I freaked out at the thought of ever pitching again. I am. Oh. Um,
74:20 of ever pitching again. I am. Oh. Um, that's really great. She nodded, but her
74:23 that's really great. She nodded, but her eyebrows remained scrunched together.
74:26 eyebrows remained scrunched together. So, you are a student athlete here at
74:28 So, you are a student athlete here at UCLA this year, right now. It would have
74:32 UCLA this year, right now. It would have been funny. The difficulty she was
74:34 been funny. The difficulty she was having wrapping her mind around it, but
74:37 having wrapping her mind around it, but the fact that she looked the opposite of
74:38 the fact that she looked the opposite of happy took any humor out of the
74:40 happy took any humor out of the situation. Her face left no question
74:42 situation. Her face left no question that she didn't want to have this
74:44 that she didn't want to have this conversation or any conversation. with
74:46 conversation or any conversation. with me. I remembered the last thing she'd
74:49 me. I remembered the last thing she'd said to me New Year's Day two years ago.
74:52 said to me New Year's Day two years ago. God, I hate you. As I confirmed, "That's
74:56 God, I hate you. As I confirmed, "That's correct." "Well, that's really
74:59 correct." "Well, that's really fantastic," she said loudly, smiling
75:02 fantastic," she said loudly, smiling politely, looking over my shoulder like
75:04 politely, looking over my shoulder like she was searching for an escape. "How's
75:06 she was searching for an escape. "How's Sarah and your mom?" "Good," I replied,
75:11 Sarah and your mom?" "Good," I replied, hating that she was turning to we're
75:12 hating that she was turning to we're stranger small talk. I knew what kind of
75:15 stranger small talk. I knew what kind of shampoo she used. I knew the color
75:17 shampoo she used. I knew the color coding of her book annotations. And I
75:19 coding of her book annotations. And I knew the exact spot on her neck where a
75:21 knew the exact spot on her neck where a kiss would wreak havoc on her ability to
75:23 kiss would wreak havoc on her ability to breathe. God damn it. It was wrong to
75:26 breathe. God damn it. It was wrong to pretend we used to sort of know each
75:27 pretend we used to sort of know each other and that this moment between us
75:29 other and that this moment between us wasn't huge. And Otis, you're seriously
75:33 wasn't huge. And Otis, you're seriously asking about my dog. I leaned my head a
75:36 asking about my dog. I leaned my head a little closer to hers, needing to mess
75:37 little closer to hers, needing to mess with her and cooks the Libby out of her.
75:40 with her and cooks the Libby out of her. I think that's as far on the small talk
75:41 I think that's as far on the small talk scale as you can go. Bucks bow. You're
75:44 scale as you can go. Bucks bow. You're probably right, she said, her green eyes
75:47 probably right, she said, her green eyes flashing in irritation.
75:49 flashing in irritation. I guess that means we've reached the end
75:51 I guess that means we've reached the end of our conversation. That's not what I
75:53 of our conversation. That's not what I meant, I said, reaching out to take my
75:56 meant, I said, reaching out to take my turn tugging on her braid. I was
75:58 turn tugging on her braid. I was referring to your very boring questions.
76:00 referring to your very boring questions. Maybe try spicing things up a little,
76:02 Maybe try spicing things up a little, like asking how my but I don't care, she
76:06 like asking how my but I don't care, she snapped, smacking my hand about how your
76:08 snapped, smacking my hand about how your anything is. Ouch. I couldn't help it. I
76:13 anything is. Ouch. I couldn't help it. I was grinning again. God, I'd miss this
76:16 was grinning again. God, I'd miss this so much. I stepped a little closer and
76:18 so much. I stepped a little closer and said, "No need to get snarky, Lib." "And
76:22 said, "No need to get snarky, Lib." "And don't call me that," she said, her teeth
76:24 don't call me that," she said, her teeth gritted. "My bad," I said, putting up my
76:28 gritted. "My bad," I said, putting up my hands. It felt good to get under her
76:30 hands. It felt good to get under her skin, so I said. "Maybe we should go
76:32 skin, so I said. "Maybe we should go somewhere and catch up." "Lizard." A
76:35 somewhere and catch up." "Lizard." A huge dude with a ponytail who looked a
76:37 huge dude with a ponytail who looked a lot like a bleach bond Aquaman appeared
76:39 lot like a bleach bond Aquaman appeared beside Liz. And it took me a half second
76:41 beside Liz. And it took me a half second to realize it was Clark, the guy who'd
76:44 to realize it was Clark, the guy who'd been filming at practice and who lived
76:46 been filming at practice and who lived there. He said, "Are you ever coming
76:50 there. He said, "Are you ever coming back?" He was standing close to her.
76:53 back?" He was standing close to her. Close enough that they were clearly
76:54 Close enough that they were clearly friends or more. No, probably no. Please
77:02 friends or more. No, probably no. Please no. Who the hell was this guy to her? "I
77:06 no. Who the hell was this guy to her? "I just needed some fresh air," Liz said,
77:08 just needed some fresh air," Liz said, pasting a huge smile on her face as she
77:10 pasting a huge smile on her face as she looked at the dude. "But it was so
77:12 looked at the dude. "But it was so fake." "Wasn't it?" She wasn't really
77:16 fake." "Wasn't it?" She wasn't really that happy to see the giant, was she?
77:18 that happy to see the giant, was she? "This is Wes Bennett, my old next door
77:21 "This is Wes Bennett, my old next door neighbor," Liz said, waving a hand in my
77:24 neighbor," Liz said, waving a hand in my direction like I didn't matter. Like I'd
77:26 direction like I didn't matter. Like I'd just been some kid in her neighborhood,
77:28 just been some kid in her neighborhood, not the guy who had a tattoo on his arm
77:30 not the guy who had a tattoo on his arm that perfectly matched the one on her
77:31 that perfectly matched the one on her shoulder. [ __ ] Had she gotten it
77:34 shoulder. [ __ ] Had she gotten it removed? She wouldn't have, would she? I
77:38 removed? She wouldn't have, would she? I mean, that sort of thing was expensive,
77:40 mean, that sort of thing was expensive, wasn't it? It was insane that I was
77:43 wasn't it? It was insane that I was focusing on that of all things. But it'd
77:46 focusing on that of all things. But it'd break my whole [ __ ] heart if that
77:47 break my whole [ __ ] heart if that tattoo was no longer there. We were
77:50 tattoo was no longer there. We were childhood buddies, she explained, her
77:52 childhood buddies, she explained, her mouth smiling at me while her eyes did
77:54 mouth smiling at me while her eyes did the opposite. I tilted my head. Is that
77:58 the opposite. I tilted my head. Is that what we were? I hadn't thought it was
78:00 what we were? I hadn't thought it was possible, but her cheeks got even redder
78:02 possible, but her cheeks got even redder as she met my gaze and bit out. Yep.
78:06 as she met my gaze and bit out. Yep. Damn. But I need to kiss her. And this,
78:10 Damn. But I need to kiss her. And this, she said to me as she pointed to the guy
78:13 she said to me as she pointed to the guy is Clark.
78:15 is Clark. Just Clark. No explanatory title like my
78:18 Just Clark. No explanatory title like my friend or a jackass or my bodyguard.
78:22 friend or a jackass or my bodyguard. Who was Clark to her? Nice to officially
78:25 Who was Clark to her? Nice to officially meet you, man, he said, reaching out and
78:28 meet you, man, he said, reaching out and shaking my hand. Impressive throwing
78:30 shaking my hand. Impressive throwing today. Thanks, I said, unsure how to
78:34 today. Thanks, I said, unsure how to behave when this question mark of a
78:36 behave when this question mark of a person was being annoyingly nice.
78:38 person was being annoyingly nice. There's a lot of buzz around the whole
78:40 There's a lot of buzz around the whole number one recruiting class in the
78:41 number one recruiting class in the country thing, he said. And I myself am
78:44 country thing, he said. And I myself am hardcore ready to fanboy all over that
78:46 hardcore ready to fanboy all over that exhibition game in a couple weeks, so
78:48 exhibition game in a couple weeks, so consider yourself warned.
78:50 consider yourself warned. Exhibition game. I swallowed around what
78:53 Exhibition game. I swallowed around what felt like a razor when he uttered those
78:55 felt like a razor when he uttered those two words and I lied. Yeah, really
78:59 two words and I lied. Yeah, really looking forward to it. I watched film
79:01 looking forward to it. I watched film from summer league and your fastball is
79:03 from summer league and your fastball is money. Thanks. I looked back at Liz and
79:07 money. Thanks. I looked back at Liz and she was watching us with her eyes
79:08 she was watching us with her eyes narrowed either an irritation or
79:10 narrowed either an irritation or confusion. Maybe both. So I said to her,
79:15 confusion. Maybe both. So I said to her, "So did you want to get out of here?"
79:18 "So did you want to get out of here?" Oh, I don't think Clark would like that,
79:20 Oh, I don't think Clark would like that, she said, going big on that frozen grin
79:22 she said, going big on that frozen grin again. Now my eyes narrowed. Because she
79:26 again. Now my eyes narrowed. Because she had that conniving little Liz look on
79:27 had that conniving little Liz look on her face. Why not? I asked at the exact
79:31 her face. Why not? I asked at the exact second Clark looked at her and asked,
79:33 second Clark looked at her and asked, "Why not?" Liz blinked fast and said to
79:36 "Why not?" Liz blinked fast and said to me while wrapping her arms around the
79:38 me while wrapping her arms around the dude's stupid enormous bicep, "Because
79:41 dude's stupid enormous bicep, "Because my boyfriend gets very jealous.
79:50 Chapter 8. I like this boy and he likes someone
79:53 I like this boy and he likes someone else. Well, obviously this boy is a
79:56 else. Well, obviously this boy is a complete [ __ ]
79:58 complete [ __ ] Clueless.
80:01 Clueless. Liz.
80:04 Liz. I glanced up at Clark and he wasn't
80:06 I glanced up at Clark and he wasn't hiding it. He had zero idea what I was
80:10 hiding it. He had zero idea what I was doing.
80:12 doing. You get very jealous, I said to Clark in
80:16 You get very jealous, I said to Clark in a cheesy singong voice, trying to
80:19 a cheesy singong voice, trying to transmit my thoughts with my eyes as I
80:22 transmit my thoughts with my eyes as I breezily said, "Even though you think
80:24 breezily said, "Even though you think you don't."
80:26 you don't." His eyebrows screwed together, and he
80:29 His eyebrows screwed together, and he looked confused. "Damn it."
80:33 looked confused. "Damn it." "Oh, you guys are together?" Wes asked.
80:37 "Oh, you guys are together?" Wes asked. "At least someone got it." And he didn't
80:39 "At least someone got it." And he didn't look like he cared at all.
80:41 look like he cared at all. He asked it the way someone would ask,
80:43 He asked it the way someone would ask, "Do you like the cheese dip?" And
80:46 "Do you like the cheese dip?" And something about that stung, even though
80:49 something about that stung, even though I was the one who didn't care anymore. I
80:52 I was the one who didn't care anymore. I was the one who was over it. "Damn it."
80:56 was the one who was over it. "Damn it." "Yes," I said, nodding a little too
80:59 "Yes," I said, nodding a little too enthusiastically.
81:01 enthusiastically. "We are.
81:03 "We are. We are?" Clark asked, still confused.
81:07 We are?" Clark asked, still confused. And then it was almost comical, if it
81:10 And then it was almost comical, if it wasn't so horrifying, when his eyes got
81:12 wasn't so horrifying, when his eyes got huge and he said, "Yes, we are dating.
81:18 huge and he said, "Yes, we are dating. We are dating and I am her boyfriend."
81:22 We are dating and I am her boyfriend." "Oh, for God's sake," I cleared my
81:25 "Oh, for God's sake," I cleared my throat and said around a ridiculous
81:28 throat and said around a ridiculous smile. "It's new, so [sighs]
81:33 smile. "It's new, so [sighs] new."
81:35 new." Wes tilted his head. and looked at me
81:38 Wes tilted his head. and looked at me like I just sprouted antlers.
81:41 like I just sprouted antlers. Oh my god, how can this be happening?
81:45 Oh my god, how can this be happening? I looked at Wes's stupid face, his
81:49 I looked at Wes's stupid face, his beautiful, awful, terrible face, and
81:53 beautiful, awful, terrible face, and just couldn't believe he was actually
81:55 just couldn't believe he was actually there, that he was there and I was doing
81:59 there, that he was there and I was doing that.
82:01 that. because we've been friends for so long,"
82:04 because we've been friends for so long," I said in an oddly high-pitched voice
82:06 I said in an oddly high-pitched voice that reminded me of Ross Keller when he
82:09 that reminded me of Ross Keller when he said, "I'm fine." in response to Rachel
82:11 said, "I'm fine." in response to Rachel and Joey kissing. You know how that can
82:14 and Joey kissing. You know how that can be, right?
82:16 be, right? So much for pretending you remember
82:18 So much for pretending you remember nothing, you idiot.
82:20 nothing, you idiot. That made something change in his face.
82:23 That made something change in his face. And my eyes were pulled to that hard jaw
82:26 And my eyes were pulled to that hard jaw as it clenched and unclenched before he
82:28 as it clenched and unclenched before he said. "I do."
82:32 said. "I do." "Good.
82:34 "Good. I still can't believe it," Clark said,
82:38 I still can't believe it," Clark said, raising a hand and pinching my cheek
82:40 raising a hand and pinching my cheek while grinning at me so stupidly that I
82:42 while grinning at me so stupidly that I would have laughed if again the
82:45 would have laughed if again the situation wasn't so horrifying.
82:48 situation wasn't so horrifying. One day we were buddies and the next she
82:51 One day we were buddies and the next she was all, "Clarky, I have feelings." And
82:53 was all, "Clarky, I have feelings." And I was like, "Holy crap, Lizard. I have
82:57 I was like, "Holy crap, Lizard. I have feelings, too." And now we're together.
83:00 feelings, too." And now we're together. It's like really surreal.
83:03 It's like really surreal. So surreal, I agreed, getting a little
83:07 So surreal, I agreed, getting a little laugh while wanting to kick Clark's
83:08 laugh while wanting to kick Clark's obnoxious ass.
83:11 obnoxious ass. A whirlwind. Really?
83:13 A whirlwind. Really? It is like a whirlwind,"
83:16 It is like a whirlwind," Clark said way too loudly, smiling and
83:19 Clark said way too loudly, smiling and pinching my cheek again, followed by two
83:22 pinching my cheek again, followed by two little pats.
83:23 little pats. I removed his huge hand from my face,
83:27 I removed his huge hand from my face, the jackass.
83:29 the jackass. And said, "Yeah, so that's the sitch."
83:34 And said, "Yeah, so that's the sitch." The sitch? What are you in middle
83:36 The sitch? What are you in middle school, you [ __ ]
83:39 school, you [ __ ] >> Wow.
83:41 >> Wow. Wes looked from my face to Clark's and
83:44 Wes looked from my face to Clark's and then he gave me a half smile. Said in
83:46 then he gave me a half smile. Said in that teasing tone of his, "Well, you
83:50 that teasing tone of his, "Well, you look great together. I mean, the whole
83:53 look great together. I mean, the whole she only reaches his armpit thing never
83:55 she only reaches his armpit thing never misses.
83:57 misses. You guys are adorable."
83:59 You guys are adorable." "Yeah," I said, nodding emphatically
84:03 "Yeah," I said, nodding emphatically like a lunatic while wanting to throat
84:05 like a lunatic while wanting to throat punch him. "You guys are adorable? What
84:09 punch him. "You guys are adorable? What the hell was that supposed to mean?
84:12 the hell was that supposed to mean? Thanks, Clark agreed, obliviously
84:15 Thanks, Clark agreed, obliviously nodding along.
84:18 nodding along. Well, Wes said, looking entirely unfased
84:22 Well, Wes said, looking entirely unfased by the situation. He scratched his
84:24 by the situation. He scratched his eyebrow and said, "Listen, my friends
84:27 eyebrow and said, "Listen, my friends are probably wondering where I
84:29 are probably wondering where I disappeared to, so I should go find
84:31 disappeared to, so I should go find them." "Yeah," I interrupted, nodding
84:34 them." "Yeah," I interrupted, nodding once more. "Good seeing you again."
84:38 once more. "Good seeing you again." Oh, you too, Lib, he said, giving me a
84:42 Oh, you too, Lib, he said, giving me a wink before turning and walking away. A
84:46 wink before turning and walking away. A wink. Oh my god.
84:49 wink. Oh my god. I watched him cross the balcony and duck
84:51 I watched him cross the balcony and duck inside, looking like just another
84:53 inside, looking like just another college dude at a party, and I had no
84:56 college dude at a party, and I had no idea why I felt so pissed.
84:59 idea why I felt so pissed. For some reason, I wanted to drag him
85:01 For some reason, I wanted to drag him back outside and force him to like watch
85:04 back outside and force him to like watch me kiss Clark with obnoxious tongue or
85:06 me kiss Clark with obnoxious tongue or something. anything to make him upset.
85:10 something. anything to make him upset. He wasn't allowed to be unaffected by me
85:13 He wasn't allowed to be unaffected by me because that was supposed to be my role.
85:15 because that was supposed to be my role. Damn it.
85:17 Damn it. What the hell was that? Clark stepped in
85:21 What the hell was that? Clark stepped in front of me, so I had to look at him.
85:23 front of me, so I had to look at him. Have you lost your mind?
85:26 Have you lost your mind? Yes, I groaned, rolling my eyes and
85:29 Yes, I groaned, rolling my eyes and shaking my head.
85:32 shaking my head. Obviously, I've completely lost it.
85:35 Obviously, I've completely lost it. Please explain yourself. And here," he
85:38 Please explain yourself. And here," he said, holding out his cup. "Drink this.
85:42 said, holding out his cup. "Drink this. You look like you need it." "I do. What
85:45 You look like you need it." "I do. What is it?" "Who cares?" I mumbled, taking
85:48 is it?" "Who cares?" I mumbled, taking his cup and slamming the contents. "No,
85:52 his cup and slamming the contents. "No, not whiskey. My throat is on fire."
85:54 not whiskey. My throat is on fire." "Jesus, Liz," Clark said, half laughing
85:58 "Jesus, Liz," Clark said, half laughing as I handed back the cup and tried not
86:00 as I handed back the cup and tried not to gag. "That's $50 bourbon." "It's
86:05 to gag. "That's $50 bourbon." "It's awful." I gasped, my eyes literally
86:08 awful." I gasped, my eyes literally watering. Oh my god. He walked over to
86:12 watering. Oh my god. He walked over to the other side of the balcony, grabbed a
86:14 the other side of the balcony, grabbed a bottle of water out of one of the
86:16 bottle of water out of one of the coolers, then brought it over.
86:19 coolers, then brought it over. So now, what is the story with you and
86:22 So now, what is the story with you and Wes Bennett? Other than the fact that
86:25 Wes Bennett? Other than the fact that you were childhood buddies, and why the
86:28 you were childhood buddies, and why the hell did you tell him I'm your
86:30 hell did you tell him I'm your boyfriend?
86:31 boyfriend? I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward
86:33 I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the railing, wanting to make sure no one
86:36 the railing, wanting to make sure no one could overhear us. I uncapped the water
86:39 could overhear us. I uncapped the water and took a long drink before I
86:41 and took a long drink before I explained.
86:42 explained. It's complicated,
86:44 It's complicated, but basically, we dated in high school
86:46 but basically, we dated in high school and I haven't seen him since things
86:48 and I haven't seen him since things ended.
86:49 ended. Let's just say it was a little messy. A
86:53 Let's just say it was a little messy. A little my ass. It looked like a lottle.
86:57 little my ass. It looked like a lottle. Clark said, "It's ancient history, and
87:00 Clark said, "It's ancient history, and I'm totally over it."
87:03 I'm totally over it." That was accurate, succinct, and
87:06 That was accurate, succinct, and emotionless without a tinge of the rage
87:08 emotionless without a tinge of the rage that had sparked in my center when he'd
87:10 that had sparked in my center when he'd said, "Is that what we were?"
87:14 said, "Is that what we were?" Yes, I definitely still hated him. The
87:18 Yes, I definitely still hated him. The lyrics from Congrats whispered through
87:20 lyrics from Congrats whispered through my psyche.
87:22 my psyche. "You broke my [ __ ] heart. You tore my
87:26 "You broke my [ __ ] heart. You tore my world apart.
87:28 world apart. But he wanted to go somewhere and catch
87:29 But he wanted to go somewhere and catch up," I said, shaking my head and
87:32 up," I said, shaking my head and gritting my teeth as I spiraled. "And I
87:35 gritting my teeth as I spiraled. "And I just couldn't. I mean, why would he even
87:38 just couldn't. I mean, why would he even suggest that? How could he think I'd
87:40 suggest that? How could he think I'd want to?" "It's okay," he interrupted,
87:44 want to?" "It's okay," he interrupted, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Exes are
87:48 giving me a sympathetic smile. "Exes are weird like that, and I totally get it."
87:51 weird like that, and I totally get it." "You do?" I said surprised because I
87:55 "You do?" I said surprised because I didn't even get it myself. I'd spent
87:58 didn't even get it myself. I'd spent years in West Bennett detox and I was a
88:01 years in West Bennett detox and I was a healed woman. His presence. Holy [ __ ]
88:05 healed woman. His presence. Holy [ __ ] How can he be a student here now? Should
88:08 How can he be a student here now? Should be an annoyance at most. So why had
88:12 be an annoyance at most. So why had seeing him felt akin to getting an
88:14 seeing him felt akin to getting an electric shock and not in a good way at
88:17 electric shock and not in a good way at all?
88:18 all? Clark took out his ponytail and finger
88:21 Clark took out his ponytail and finger combed his curly blonde hair.
88:24 combed his curly blonde hair. Here's the thing, though. Fake
88:26 Here's the thing, though. Fake boyfriending me is a terrible idea.
88:31 boyfriending me is a terrible idea. Why?
88:32 Why? My eyes kept roaming behind him, looking
88:35 My eyes kept roaming behind him, looking to see if Wes had come back out. If he
88:38 to see if Wes had come back out. If he thinks I have a boyfriend who is 7t tall
88:40 thinks I have a boyfriend who is 7t tall and freakishly strong, he'll know I'm
88:43 and freakishly strong, he'll know I'm over him, and he'll probably steer
88:45 over him, and he'll probably steer clear.
88:47 clear. And even as I said it, I knew that if
88:49 And even as I said it, I knew that if Wes wanted to mess with me, nothing
88:52 Wes wanted to mess with me, nothing would stop him. But surely he didn't
88:55 would stop him. But surely he didn't want that.
88:57 want that. But do you really want everyone to think
89:00 But do you really want everyone to think we're dating? Think about it. We live
89:04 we're dating? Think about it. We live together and work together. If this gets
89:07 together and work together. If this gets out, people are going to think it's
89:09 out, people are going to think it's juicy as hell, he said. And he wasn't
89:13 juicy as hell, he said. And he wasn't wrong.
89:15 wrong. But as I sifted through the pros and
89:17 But as I sifted through the pros and cons, there wasn't really anything that
89:19 cons, there wasn't really anything that seemed awful about this idea. I didn't
89:22 seemed awful about this idea. I didn't date at all, so people thinking I was
89:25 date at all, so people thinking I was Clark's girlfriend wasn't going to mess
89:27 Clark's girlfriend wasn't going to mess up anything on that front. In fact, it
89:30 up anything on that front. In fact, it would be nice for everyone to think that
89:32 would be nice for everyone to think that a massive rugby player was my boyfriend.
89:35 a massive rugby player was my boyfriend. For once, I wouldn't have to come up
89:36 For once, I wouldn't have to come up with excuses as to why I had zero
89:39 with excuses as to why I had zero interest in dating anyone ever.
89:43 interest in dating anyone ever. Although,
89:45 Although, "God, I'm so selfish," I said, realizing
89:48 "God, I'm so selfish," I said, realizing the sacrifice it would be for Clark.
89:51 the sacrifice it would be for Clark. "This would totally screw up your love
89:53 "This would totally screw up your love life if people thought you had a
89:54 life if people thought you had a girlfriend, wouldn't it?" "I'm not
89:57 girlfriend, wouldn't it?" "I'm not worried about that," he said, shrugging.
90:01 worried about that," he said, shrugging. "I mean, I'm assuming we will fake break
90:03 "I mean, I'm assuming we will fake break up in the near future once you know how
90:06 up in the near future once you know how to handle yourself around him."
90:08 to handle yourself around him." Yeah, for sure we will, I said,
90:12 Yeah, for sure we will, I said, wondering if I'd ever know how to do
90:14 wondering if I'd ever know how to do that.
90:16 that. Because I never would have guessed that
90:17 Because I never would have guessed that at this point in my life, almost 2 years
90:20 at this point in my life, almost 2 years later, I'd feel so shaken by his
90:23 later, I'd feel so shaken by his presence. I would have expected a polite
90:26 presence. I would have expected a polite reunion with a few lingering unkind
90:29 reunion with a few lingering unkind thoughts about him that would disappear
90:31 thoughts about him that would disappear the moment he walked away.
90:33 the moment he walked away. That was how it was supposed to go.
90:37 That was how it was supposed to go. Why aren't I numb by now?
90:41 Why aren't I numb by now? Okay, so maybe this, Clark said, getting
90:46 Okay, so maybe this, Clark said, getting that patented Clark grin on his face.
90:48 that patented Clark grin on his face. That meant he was all in.
90:51 That meant he was all in. Let's go with what we just said to
90:52 Let's go with what we just said to Bennett, that this is brand new, like we
90:56 Bennett, that this is brand new, like we just discovered we have feelings and
90:58 just discovered we have feelings and we're just starting to explore it. That
91:01 we're just starting to explore it. That way when people act like he's wrong,
91:03 way when people act like he's wrong, like no, they're just friends, it makes
91:06 like no, they're just friends, it makes sense why no one knows.
91:08 sense why no one knows. See, this is why I want to date you, I
91:12 See, this is why I want to date you, I teased, feeling a little better.
91:16 teased, feeling a little better. You think of all the details, right? I'm
91:20 You think of all the details, right? I'm awesome, he said around a smile,
91:22 awesome, he said around a smile, pinching my cheek again.
91:25 pinching my cheek again. This is going to be kind of fun.
91:28 This is going to be kind of fun. I will stab you, I said as I smacked his
91:32 I will stab you, I said as I smacked his hand, laughing in spite of everything.
91:35 hand, laughing in spite of everything. If you don't keep your enormous pie
91:38 If you don't keep your enormous pie plate hands off my face. Got it. Oh,
91:43 plate hands off my face. Got it. Oh, lizard,
91:45 lizard, he said, giving in to a loud laugh.
91:49 he said, giving in to a loud laugh. You're adorable when you huff. Let me
91:52 You're adorable when you huff. Let me text our roommates so they know the plan
91:54 text our roommates so they know the plan and then let's go get you another drink.
91:57 and then let's go get you another drink. Girlfriend of mine.
92:00 Girlfriend of mine. We went back into the party after he
92:02 We went back into the party after he sent Campbell and Leo the message. And I
92:04 sent Campbell and Leo the message. And I was glad I had a buzz when he grabbed my
92:07 was glad I had a buzz when he grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen.
92:09 hand and led me into the kitchen. Because there was worse, sitting on the
92:12 Because there was worse, sitting on the stool where I ate my yogurt every
92:14 stool where I ate my yogurt every morning, grinning and playing cards with
92:16 morning, grinning and playing cards with his friends, who were actually my
92:19 his friends, who were actually my friends, who'd actually been my friends
92:21 friends, who'd actually been my friends first. And he was in my kitchen. What
92:25 first. And he was in my kitchen. What the hell? I felt like I needed a timeout
92:28 the hell? I felt like I needed a timeout to get my head right because it was all
92:30 to get my head right because it was all too much.
92:32 too much. Is Buxie actually going to hang with us?
92:36 Is Buxie actually going to hang with us? Way teased, his hair a mess since he'd
92:39 Way teased, his hair a mess since he'd finally shed the stupid hat. He had a
92:42 finally shed the stupid hat. He had a handful of cards in his fists and a few
92:44 handful of cards in his fists and a few cans of beer in front of him as he
92:46 cans of beer in front of him as he grinned and said, "I thought you only
92:48 grinned and said, "I thought you only did music at your parties." "I begged,"
92:52 did music at your parties." "I begged," Clark said, pulling me closer and
92:54 Clark said, pulling me closer and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
92:57 wrapping his arm around my shoulders. And Lizzy was nice enough to choose me
92:59 And Lizzy was nice enough to choose me over music at least for a solid 5
93:02 over music at least for a solid 5 minutes. Lizzy
93:05 minutes. Lizzy Mickey who was at the other end of the
93:07 Mickey who was at the other end of the table said, "What the hell is this Lizzy
93:10 table said, "What the hell is this Lizzy [ __ ] Are we allowed to call you that
93:12 [ __ ] Are we allowed to call you that now? Because I recall it being expressly
93:15 now? Because I recall it being expressly forbidden."
93:17 forbidden." >> I really wanted the attention to land on
93:19 >> I really wanted the attention to land on anyone else because I could feel Wes
93:22 anyone else because I could feel Wes watching this stupid interaction.
93:25 watching this stupid interaction. Wes, the only person to ever seriously
93:29 Wes, the only person to ever seriously call me Lizzy. I pushed my lips into a
93:32 call me Lizzy. I pushed my lips into a smile and said, "Well, only I can call
93:36 smile and said, "Well, only I can call her that." Clark interrupted, his voice
93:40 her that." Clark interrupted, his voice loudly obnoxious.
93:42 loudly obnoxious. "Oh, God." I couldn't bring myself to
93:45 "Oh, God." I couldn't bring myself to look at Wes's face. WDE's eyes narrowed.
93:49 look at Wes's face. WDE's eyes narrowed. "Did I miss something? Are you guys a
93:53 "Did I miss something? Are you guys a thing now?"
93:55 thing now?" I sucked at lying, so I just shrugged
93:58 I sucked at lying, so I just shrugged and smiled.
94:00 and smiled. "Maybe."
94:02 "Maybe." "Oh god, Lil Biey's blushing," Mickey
94:05 "Oh god, Lil Biey's blushing," Mickey said. And I knew blushing had to be an
94:09 said. And I knew blushing had to be an understatement because it felt like my
94:11 understatement because it felt like my skin was on fire. "This is adorable."
94:15 skin was on fire. "This is adorable." "Shut it," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm
94:19 "Shut it," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm going back to the music." "Oh, come on,
94:22 going back to the music." "Oh, come on, baby.
94:24 baby. Clark teased. Don't go yet.
94:28 Clark teased. Don't go yet. That made Mick laugh and I wriggled out
94:31 That made Mick laugh and I wriggled out from under Clark's arm. As the moment
94:33 from under Clark's arm. As the moment passed and the card game moved on, I
94:36 passed and the card game moved on, I turned to escape to the living room to
94:38 turned to escape to the living room to get away from the kitchen and lose
94:40 get away from the kitchen and lose myself in the music, but not before
94:43 myself in the music, but not before making eye contact with Wes,
94:45 making eye contact with Wes, whose dark eyes were intensely on me,
94:48 whose dark eyes were intensely on me, like he was searching for something.
94:52 like he was searching for something. That face was impossible to read as I
94:54 That face was impossible to read as I held his gaze like a deer in the
94:55 held his gaze like a deer in the headlights. Unsure what was passing
94:58 headlights. Unsure what was passing between us,
95:00 between us, I swallowed and tucked my hair behind my
95:03 I swallowed and tucked my hair behind my ears. Get it together, Bucks Bam. And it
95:07 ears. Get it together, Bucks Bam. And it felt like my knees might literally give
95:09 felt like my knees might literally give out as I exited the kitchen as quickly
95:11 out as I exited the kitchen as quickly as possible.
95:13 as possible. What the hell, universe?
95:24 Chapter nine. I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass,
95:27 I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass, but there's no need to leave. Bridget
95:30 but there's no need to leave. Bridget Jones's diary.
95:32 Jones's diary. Wes,
95:34 Wes, I was done. Everyone was still partying,
95:37 I was done. Everyone was still partying, but I needed to get the hell out of
95:38 but I needed to get the hell out of there. After the Clark bombshell, I'd
95:41 there. After the Clark bombshell, I'd sat in the kitchen for a solid hour,
95:43 sat in the kitchen for a solid hour, pretending to be into the card game
95:44 pretending to be into the card game while my brain kept exploding over and
95:46 while my brain kept exploding over and over again.
95:47 over again. Liz had a boyfriend. I'd always known it
95:50 Liz had a boyfriend. I'd always known it was a possibility, but I guess I hadn't
95:52 was a possibility, but I guess I hadn't truly accepted that possibility because
95:54 truly accepted that possibility because I felt floored by the revelation. And
95:57 I felt floored by the revelation. And before I had a moment to get a grip on
95:58 before I had a moment to get a grip on the shittiness of that little morsel, we
96:01 the shittiness of that little morsel, we informed me that Clark was her roommate.
96:04 informed me that Clark was her roommate. Her room [ __ ] mate.
96:07 Her room [ __ ] mate. She lived with her new boyfriend. I felt
96:10 She lived with her new boyfriend. I felt sick. My gut was literally churning and
96:13 sick. My gut was literally churning and it was very possible I was going to
96:14 it was very possible I was going to vomit, so I needed to get out of there
96:16 vomit, so I needed to get out of there fast. I'd looked for Liz after she left
96:19 fast. I'd looked for Liz after she left the kitchen. God only knows why, but she
96:22 the kitchen. God only knows why, but she seemed to have disappeared completely.
96:24 seemed to have disappeared completely. I made my way through the packed living
96:26 I made my way through the packed living room, bouncing off the jumping people
96:27 room, bouncing off the jumping people who all seem to be singing along to DJ
96:29 who all seem to be singing along to DJ Goddess Fallen in Love until I reached
96:32 Goddess Fallen in Love until I reached AJ's side. I tapped him on the arm and
96:34 AJ's side. I tapped him on the arm and shouted, "I'm going to walk back."
96:37 shouted, "I'm going to walk back." "What?" He stopped dancing and leaned
96:39 "What?" He stopped dancing and leaned closer to hear me, looking at me like I
96:41 closer to hear me, looking at me like I was nuts. You're going to walk back now?
96:45 was nuts. You're going to walk back now? Yeah. I snapped, absolutely uninterested
96:48 Yeah. I snapped, absolutely uninterested in talking about it. Why do you even
96:51 in talking about it. Why do you even know how to get back from here? He took
96:53 know how to get back from here? He took a drink of his beer before saying, "Why
96:56 a drink of his beer before saying, "Why the hell would you want to miss this?"
96:58 the hell would you want to miss this?" "I just do. I was going to lose it if I
97:00 "I just do. I was going to lose it if I stayed another minute, so I said. I'll
97:03 stayed another minute, so I said. I'll see you back home." Wait," he yelled as
97:06 see you back home." Wait," he yelled as I walked away, but I needed to leave. I
97:09 I walked away, but I needed to leave. I pushed through the people, not even
97:10 pushed through the people, not even bothering with, "Excuse me," as I
97:12 bothering with, "Excuse me," as I elbowed through the crowd. And I'd made
97:14 elbowed through the crowd. And I'd made it to the front door when he grabbed my
97:16 it to the front door when he grabbed my arm. "Bennett!" I turned around and it
97:19 arm. "Bennett!" I turned around and it was almost comical how sweaty he was and
97:21 was almost comical how sweaty he was and how confused he looked. Thankfully, the
97:24 how confused he looked. Thankfully, the foyer was quieter than the rest of the
97:26 foyer was quieter than the rest of the apartment, so I didn't have to yell
97:27 apartment, so I didn't have to yell anymore. "Dude, I have to go," I said,
97:31 anymore. "Dude, I have to go," I said, shaking my head. "You okay, though?"
97:34 shaking my head. "You okay, though?" Wandering through the streets of LA in
97:35 Wandering through the streets of LA in the dark seems like a bad idea. He
97:37 the dark seems like a bad idea. He sounded like a worried parent when he
97:39 sounded like a worried parent when he said, "I don't know how much you've had,
97:41 said, "I don't know how much you've had, but I'll wait for an Uber with you if
97:42 but I'll wait for an Uber with you if you want." God, he's such a good dude. I
97:46 you want." God, he's such a good dude. I didn't know what to say or how to
97:47 didn't know what to say or how to explain my behavior, so I said, "I'm
97:50 explain my behavior, so I said, "I'm totally sober. I just can't be here
97:52 totally sober. I just can't be here anymore." "Well, maybe we can remember
97:55 anymore." "Well, maybe we can remember my ex." He stopped talking and didn't
97:58 my ex." He stopped talking and didn't get it for a second, muttering, "No, I
98:01 get it for a second, muttering, "No, I don't I don't think so." under his
98:03 don't I don't think so." under his breath before saying, "Wait, the the
98:06 breath before saying, "Wait, the the redhead from high school." I'd gotten
98:08 redhead from high school." I'd gotten hammered one night during summer league
98:10 hammered one night during summer league and spilled a lot to AJ, probably more
98:12 and spilled a lot to AJ, probably more than I'd ever shared with any other
98:14 than I'd ever shared with any other human. We never really discussed it
98:16 human. We never really discussed it after that night, but I somehow knew he
98:18 after that night, but I somehow knew he remembered all of it. He was just that
98:21 remembered all of it. He was just that guy. Yeah. I nodded and said, "Well,
98:26 guy. Yeah. I nodded and said, "Well, apparently this is her apartment." What
98:29 apparently this is her apartment." What do you mean this is Oh my god. His eyes
98:33 do you mean this is Oh my god. His eyes got huge and he said, "Liz, shh," I
98:38 got huge and he said, "Liz, shh," I said, looking behind him to make sure no
98:40 said, looking behind him to make sure no one was listening. "Shut up, will you?
98:43 one was listening. "Shut up, will you? Are you telling me?" He whispered,
98:45 Are you telling me?" He whispered, yelled. "That Bxy is your ex?" "Yes," I
98:50 yelled. "That Bxy is your ex?" "Yes," I bit out. "And calm your ass down." "But
98:53 bit out. "And calm your ass down." "But Bennett," he said, looking at me like I
98:55 Bennett," he said, looking at me like I just delivered the world's most shocking
98:57 just delivered the world's most shocking news. I don't understand. You didn't
99:00 news. I don't understand. You didn't know. I knew she was a student at UCLA,
99:03 know. I knew she was a student at UCLA, but I didn't know she lived in this
99:05 but I didn't know she lived in this apartment, and I sure as hell didn't
99:06 apartment, and I sure as hell didn't know she has a boyfriend.
99:09 know she has a boyfriend. Dude,
99:10 Dude, AJ tilted his head and looked at me like
99:12 AJ tilted his head and looked at me like I was a pathetic puppy. No way did it go
99:15 I was a pathetic puppy. No way did it go down like this. Unbelievable, right? I
99:19 down like this. Unbelievable, right? I still felt queasy about the whole thing.
99:22 still felt queasy about the whole thing. Mostly because I couldn't stop hearing
99:23 Mostly because I couldn't stop hearing Clark call her baby. Gross. It was
99:27 Clark call her baby. Gross. It was gross, right? Baby was an offensive pet
99:30 gross, right? Baby was an offensive pet name in my opinion. [ __ ] Go, AJ said,
99:36 name in my opinion. [ __ ] Go, AJ said, pointing at the door. Because your face
99:38 pointing at the door. Because your face is getting redder by the minute. Get out
99:40 is getting redder by the minute. Get out of here. Clear your head and text me
99:42 of here. Clear your head and text me when you get home so I know you made it
99:43 when you get home so I know you made it safe. Thanks, man, I said, pulling open
99:47 safe. Thanks, man, I said, pulling open the door and exiting the noisy
99:48 the door and exiting the noisy apartment. I wasn't looking forward to
99:51 apartment. I wasn't looking forward to discussing this with AJ later. That guy
99:53 discussing this with AJ later. That guy loved talking about feelings, but at
99:55 loved talking about feelings, but at least I knew I could trust him to keep
99:56 least I knew I could trust him to keep it to himself. I left the building and
99:59 it to himself. I left the building and just started walking, grateful for the
100:01 just started walking, grateful for the fresh air and quiet. But it didn't take
100:04 fresh air and quiet. But it didn't take long for me to get good and lost. UCLA
100:07 long for me to get good and lost. UCLA was a huge school, and during daylight
100:09 was a huge school, and during daylight hours, I had the area pretty much
100:10 hours, I had the area pretty much figured out. But when it was dark,
100:13 figured out. But when it was dark, forget about it. My sense of direction
100:15 forget about it. My sense of direction went to [ __ ] I gave my car to my sister
100:18 went to [ __ ] I gave my car to my sister because I had a whole team to mides off.
100:20 because I had a whole team to mides off. But figuring out where you were on foot
100:22 But figuring out where you were on foot was somehow more challenging than when
100:23 was somehow more challenging than when you were behind the wheel. I texted AJ.
100:27 you were behind the wheel. I texted AJ. I think I'm walking in circles in the
100:28 I think I'm walking in circles in the neighborhood by the party. Is there a
100:30 neighborhood by the party. Is there a trick to getting out? I looked at my
100:33 trick to getting out? I looked at my display and realized I've been walking
100:34 display and realized I've been walking for 40 minutes. I was starting to think
100:37 for 40 minutes. I was starting to think my GPS was [ __ ] me around. Of course,
100:40 my GPS was [ __ ] me around. Of course, the entire time I'd been walking, I was
100:42 the entire time I'd been walking, I was picturing Liz and Clark, so the haze of
100:44 picturing Liz and Clark, so the haze of jealous rage might have impaired my
100:45 jealous rage might have impaired my nighttime navigational skills.
100:48 nighttime navigational skills. Yeah, I was insanely jealous. Jealous to
100:52 Yeah, I was insanely jealous. Jealous to the nth degree. So jealous it was
100:55 the nth degree. So jealous it was choking me, which pissed me off because
100:58 choking me, which pissed me off because it was stupid, right? But even though my
101:00 it was stupid, right? But even though my brain knew it was logical for her to
101:02 brain knew it was logical for her to date someone else, my body wanted to
101:04 date someone else, my body wanted to wipe the floor with Clark for being the
101:06 wipe the floor with Clark for being the one whose arm she wrapped her hands
101:07 one whose arm she wrapped her hands around. Honestly, I should be happy for
101:10 around. Honestly, I should be happy for her because the dude seemed nice.
101:13 her because the dude seemed nice. Really, really nice, actually. But
101:16 Really, really nice, actually. But somehow I just knew he wasn't right for
101:18 somehow I just knew he wasn't right for her. I might not be the one, even though
101:21 her. I might not be the one, even though I was pretty sure I was. But there was
101:23 I was pretty sure I was. But there was no way ponytail was either. She said new
101:28 no way ponytail was either. She said new that they were new. So how new? Were we
101:33 that they were new. So how new? Were we talking days, weeks? What constituted
101:36 talking days, weeks? What constituted new? Had they kissed yet? No, I muttered
101:40 new? Had they kissed yet? No, I muttered to myself as I walked. The thought of
101:42 to myself as I walked. The thought of that making my stomach churn. I mean,
101:45 that making my stomach churn. I mean, it'd been years. Of course, she'd kissed
101:46 it'd been years. Of course, she'd kissed someone else by now. I knew that. But
101:50 someone else by now. I knew that. But seeing her face again and smelling her
101:51 seeing her face again and smelling her perfume and hearing the sound of her
101:53 perfume and hearing the sound of her voice made everything feel so close. My
101:56 voice made everything feel so close. My phone buzzed in my hand. AJ, airdrop
102:00 phone buzzed in my hand. AJ, airdrop your location. I did, and then my phone
102:02 your location. I did, and then my phone buzzed again. I expected it to be AJ,
102:05 buzzed again. I expected it to be AJ, but it was my sister, which also wasn't
102:08 but it was my sister, which also wasn't a surprise. Sarah was in all my business
102:11 a surprise. Sarah was in all my business all the time.
102:13 all the time. Sarah, how's the epic party? Are you
102:16 Sarah, how's the epic party? Are you hardcore kegging? I texted walking home
102:20 hardcore kegging? I texted walking home actually. Sarah, so early. I replied,
102:25 actually. Sarah, so early. I replied, Liz was there. Almost immediately, she
102:28 Liz was there. Almost immediately, she was facetiming me. Damn it. I didn't
102:31 was facetiming me. Damn it. I didn't feel like talking about it, but I also
102:33 feel like talking about it, but I also knew she wouldn't go away. I knew I
102:35 knew she wouldn't go away. I knew I shouldn't have told you, I said as I
102:37 shouldn't have told you, I said as I answered, fully aware that I would never
102:39 answered, fully aware that I would never not tell her. Sarah had gone from
102:41 not tell her. Sarah had gone from annoying little sister to the only
102:42 annoying little sister to the only person in the world I could count on
102:44 person in the world I could count on after my dad died and my mom had her
102:46 after my dad died and my mom had her issues. So, we kind of told each other
102:48 issues. So, we kind of told each other everything. "Spoiler! You get really
102:51 everything. "Spoiler! You get really close with your siblings when you have
102:53 close with your siblings when you have to learn survival together." "Oh my
102:55 to learn survival together." "Oh my god," she said like I hadn't spoken.
102:58 god," she said like I hadn't spoken. "Did you talk to her?" Sarah had on her
103:02 "Did you talk to her?" Sarah had on her glasses, which meant she was ready for
103:03 glasses, which meant she was ready for bed. The kid hated glasses and had
103:06 bed. The kid hated glasses and had always waited until right before bed
103:07 always waited until right before bed before taking out her contacts.
103:10 before taking out her contacts. I did, I said, not wanting to rewind
103:13 I did, I said, not wanting to rewind that polite small talk nightmare. Oh my
103:16 that polite small talk nightmare. Oh my god, Wes, I was right. Sarah the
103:19 god, Wes, I was right. Sarah the romantic had wanted me to track down Liz
103:21 romantic had wanted me to track down Liz the second I got to LA. This is fate. I
103:24 the second I got to LA. This is fate. I just know she was with her boyfriend.
103:27 just know she was with her boyfriend. She has a boyfriend. My sister, not one
103:30 She has a boyfriend. My sister, not one to be deterred, immediately launched
103:33 to be deterred, immediately launched into a factf finding mission. And he was
103:36 into a factf finding mission. And he was there. Is it serious? I had the
103:39 there. Is it serious? I had the privilege of meeting him and talking to
103:41 privilege of meeting him and talking to them together as a couple. No, Kell
103:46 them together as a couple. No, Kell Nightmare, she sighed in horror, her
103:48 Nightmare, she sighed in horror, her eyes wide. What was he like? I hated
103:52 eyes wide. What was he like? I hated him. I hated him so much. Because he
103:56 him. I hated him so much. Because he seemed like a really great guy. Oh my
103:59 seemed like a really great guy. Oh my god, the worst, she said, groaning and
104:02 god, the worst, she said, groaning and shaking her head. What about the time?
104:05 shaking her head. What about the time? Do you know how long they've been
104:06 Do you know how long they've been talking? That's the weird part, I said,
104:09 talking? That's the weird part, I said, leaning back and stretching out my legs.
104:12 leaning back and stretching out my legs. Liz said it's new, that they've just
104:15 Liz said it's new, that they've just started dating. And then they both said
104:16 started dating. And then they both said they're still getting used to it. The
104:18 they're still getting used to it. The guy was like, "Oh, yeah, that's right.
104:21 guy was like, "Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm your boyfriend." "What?" Sarah must
104:24 I'm your boyfriend." "What?" Sarah must have flipped on a light because it was
104:26 have flipped on a light because it was brighter now. "They are still getting
104:28 brighter now. "They are still getting used to it." "I know," I said, still a
104:32 used to it." "I know," I said, still a little confused by that. Like, how?
104:35 little confused by that. Like, how? Obviously, it isn't serious then. What
104:37 Obviously, it isn't serious then. What else? What else? What? What else
104:40 else? What else? What? What else happened with Liz, you [ __ ] What did
104:43 happened with Liz, you [ __ ] What did you two say to each other? It was all
104:45 you two say to each other? It was all very polite, I said, my gut in a knot as
104:49 very polite, I said, my gut in a knot as I replayed the very cordial reunion.
104:51 I replayed the very cordial reunion. Like we were total strangers.
104:54 Like we were total strangers. Gross, she said almost in a whine. I
104:57 Gross, she said almost in a whine. I know. I sighed and tried pushing back
105:00 know. I sighed and tried pushing back the disappointment. But even if she was
105:02 the disappointment. But even if she was single, Sarah, it probably wouldn't
105:04 single, Sarah, it probably wouldn't matter because she still hates me.
105:07 matter because she still hates me. She said that? No, but it was obvious.
105:10 She said that? No, but it was obvious. It was all over her face when she looked
105:12 It was all over her face when she looked at me. Trust me. She leaned closer to
105:16 at me. Trust me. She leaned closer to the camera and pointed her finger at me.
105:18 the camera and pointed her finger at me. Wesley, you need to tell her the truth.
105:22 Wesley, you need to tell her the truth. I mean, how can I when she isn't single?
105:25 I mean, how can I when she isn't single? I'd love for her to know the truth, but
105:27 I'd love for her to know the truth, but there wasn't a good way to just spit out
105:29 there wasn't a good way to just spit out those words. It doesn't exactly come up
105:31 those words. It doesn't exactly come up in the conversations we aren't having. I
105:34 in the conversations we aren't having. I don't know, but you just have to say it.
105:37 don't know, but you just have to say it. Spit out the words. She shrugged and
105:39 Spit out the words. She shrugged and said, "Even if it's awkwardly blurted
105:42 said, "Even if it's awkwardly blurted out in the middle of the quad. Just get
105:44 out in the middle of the quad. Just get the truth out there. I don't think UCLA
105:47 the truth out there. I don't think UCLA has a quad." Wesley Sarah Beth. I looked
105:52 has a quad." Wesley Sarah Beth. I looked up at the full moon and stood. I
105:54 up at the full moon and stood. I honestly don't think that would change
105:56 honestly don't think that would change anything. But it could change
105:58 anything. But it could change everything, you idiot. She was all fired
106:00 everything, you idiot. She was all fired up now, making me actually regret
106:02 up now, making me actually regret telling her because I was too exhausted
106:04 telling her because I was too exhausted to deal with her attitude.
106:06 to deal with her attitude. I'll think about it, I said, dropping to
106:08 I'll think about it, I said, dropping to sit on the curb. Why wait? Why think? Go
106:12 sit on the curb. Why wait? Why think? Go back to the party and shout it, Wesley.
106:15 back to the party and shout it, Wesley. I have to go. Damn it, Wes. You need to
106:17 I have to go. Damn it, Wes. You need to strike now while it's new. Don't you see
106:19 strike now while it's new. Don't you see that? If you drag your feet, it might
106:21 that? If you drag your feet, it might become not new with the boyfriend and
106:26 become not new with the boyfriend and then it definitely won't matter. I'll
106:28 then it definitely won't matter. I'll call you tomorrow, kid. I said. I'm
106:31 call you tomorrow, kid. I said. I'm hanging up now. But I disconnected the
106:34 hanging up now. But I disconnected the call. I knew she had the best of
106:37 call. I knew she had the best of intentions, but I didn't want to talk
106:38 intentions, but I didn't want to talk about this. Not with her or anyone.
106:42 about this. Not with her or anyone. No, I'd much rather stew and lose my
106:45 No, I'd much rather stew and lose my mind over this all by myself. And she
106:48 mind over this all by myself. And she was wrong, by the way, because I knew
106:51 was wrong, by the way, because I knew Liz. Giving her the hard press with
106:53 Liz. Giving her the hard press with shouted confessions after not speaking
106:55 shouted confessions after not speaking for almost two years would only push her
106:58 for almost two years would only push her away. It was why I hadn't tracked her
107:00 away. It was why I hadn't tracked her down on move in day. I was being
107:02 down on move in day. I was being patient. If you were ever going to have
107:05 patient. If you were ever going to have a second chance, I needed to convince
107:06 a second chance, I needed to convince her to become my friend first, to let me
107:09 her to become my friend first, to let me in again, which seemed a hell of a lot
107:11 in again, which seemed a hell of a lot more difficult now that she had a
107:13 more difficult now that she had a boyfriend. As if on Q, my daily watch
107:16 boyfriend. As if on Q, my daily watch alarm went off. It was 12:13 a.m.
107:20 alarm went off. It was 12:13 a.m. Seriously, universe, you're hilarious.
107:25 Seriously, universe, you're hilarious. [ __ ] me.
107:26 [ __ ] me. Liz had teasingly set the alarm for me
107:28 Liz had teasingly set the alarm for me the summer we were together, so that
107:30 the summer we were together, so that every night I would be forced to stop
107:32 every night I would be forced to stop and recognize the anniversary of the
107:34 and recognize the anniversary of the moment we'd kissed under the street
107:36 moment we'd kissed under the street light on prom night. Silly little love
107:38 light on prom night. Silly little love lover. I wasn't sure why I never deleted
107:41 lover. I wasn't sure why I never deleted the alarm, to be honest.
107:44 the alarm, to be honest. Bennett, you little [ __ ] I heard as a
107:46 Bennett, you little [ __ ] I heard as a car slowed beside me. I narrowed my eyes
107:49 car slowed beside me. I narrowed my eyes and saw Wade, Mickey, AJ, and a girl I
107:52 and saw Wade, Mickey, AJ, and a girl I didn't know all crammed into a silver
107:54 didn't know all crammed into a silver Honda that had a silver-haired man
107:56 Honda that had a silver-haired man behind the wheel. Mickey rolled down the
107:58 behind the wheel. Mickey rolled down the front passenger window and said, "Get
108:00 front passenger window and said, "Get in." "I can't believe you're done at the
108:02 in." "I can't believe you're done at the party already," I said, putting my phone
108:04 party already," I said, putting my phone in my pocket. Campbell said she was
108:07 in my pocket. Campbell said she was hungry, AJ said from where he appeared
108:08 hungry, AJ said from where he appeared to be squeezed against the door in the
108:10 to be squeezed against the door in the back seat. So Brooks called an Uber so
108:12 back seat. So Brooks called an Uber so we can go get some food. The girl
108:15 we can go get some food. The girl Campbell presumably gave me a wave and a
108:18 Campbell presumably gave me a wave and a smile. "Get your sweet ass in the car,"
108:20 smile. "Get your sweet ass in the car," Wade said, sticking his head out the
108:23 Wade said, sticking his head out the back window. "Cuz we're going to Fat
108:25 back window. "Cuz we're going to Fat Salves." I wasn't sure if they were
108:27 Salves." I wasn't sure if they were going back to the party after Fat Salves
108:29 going back to the party after Fat Salves or not. But at least I could call myself
108:31 or not. But at least I could call myself an Uber from there if that was the plan.
108:34 an Uber from there if that was the plan. I squeezed into the back seat, wedged
108:36 I squeezed into the back seat, wedged between Wade and the door as I slammed
108:38 between Wade and the door as I slammed it, and the driver stomped on the gas.
108:41 it, and the driver stomped on the gas. "What kind of a dumbass walks home when
108:43 "What kind of a dumbass walks home when they don't know where they're going?"
108:44 they don't know where they're going?" Mickey asked, giving me a drunk grin.
108:46 Mickey asked, giving me a drunk grin. "You had our little AJ all worried about
108:48 "You had our little AJ all worried about you?" "I'd worry about you, too, if you
108:51 you?" "I'd worry about you, too, if you went wandering around LA in the dark by
108:53 went wandering around LA in the dark by yourself," AJ said, which made Wade
108:55 yourself," AJ said, which made Wade laugh. "Of course you would," he said,
108:58 laugh. "Of course you would," he said, reaching out of hand to pat AJ's knee.
109:00 reaching out of hand to pat AJ's knee. "Mama bear, why did you walk?" Campbell
109:04 "Mama bear, why did you walk?" Campbell asked, leaning forward to talk to me
109:06 asked, leaning forward to talk to me around the way that was between us.
109:08 around the way that was between us. Couldn't get an Uber. I got tripped up
109:11 Couldn't get an Uber. I got tripped up for a second because this girl was Liz's
109:13 for a second because this girl was Liz's roommate, right? I doubted she knew
109:15 roommate, right? I doubted she knew anything about me yet because Liz hadn't
109:18 anything about me yet because Liz hadn't even know I was here until a few hours
109:19 even know I was here until a few hours ago. But I had a weird feeling that I
109:22 ago. But I had a weird feeling that I should try to make a good impression.
109:24 should try to make a good impression. Something like that, I said, acting like
109:27 Something like that, I said, acting like it was a whim instead of me having a
109:28 it was a whim instead of me having a full-on meltdown over her roommate's
109:30 full-on meltdown over her roommate's current relationship status. I'm Wes, by
109:33 current relationship status. I'm Wes, by the way. Campbell, she said, smiling.
109:37 the way. Campbell, she said, smiling. And you used to date Liz, right? What
109:40 And you used to date Liz, right? What the what? Wade shouted, even though he
109:43 the what? Wade shouted, even though he was right next to me. His mouth hung
109:45 was right next to me. His mouth hung wide open for a second before he said,
109:48 wide open for a second before he said, "You went out with Bxie." Damn it. The
109:51 "You went out with Bxie." Damn it. The last thing I wanted was to discuss Liz
109:53 last thing I wanted was to discuss Liz and my history with Wade or anyone for
109:56 and my history with Wade or anyone for that matter. Well, except for Liz. She
110:01 that matter. Well, except for Liz. She was my next door neighbor back home, I
110:03 was my next door neighbor back home, I said, trying to downplay it. The girl
110:06 said, trying to downplay it. The girl next door, he said, laughing. Woo,
110:10 next door, he said, laughing. Woo, Bennett, I got to know more. It was a
110:13 Bennett, I got to know more. It was a long time ago, I said, dismissing him
110:16 long time ago, I said, dismissing him because I was dying to hear what Liz had
110:17 because I was dying to hear what Liz had said to her roommate about me. I turned
110:20 said to her roommate about me. I turned back to Campbell and said, "So, yes, I
110:24 back to Campbell and said, "So, yes, I did." "That's what Clark said," she
110:26 did." "That's what Clark said," she replied. "But no worries, he's super
110:28 replied. "But no worries, he's super chill about it.
110:30 chill about it. Oh, I said like a dumbass. But I had
110:33 Oh, I said like a dumbass. But I had trouble pulling words together because
110:35 trouble pulling words together because like did that mean Liz hadn't said
110:38 like did that mean Liz hadn't said anything about me? Was her boyfriend the
110:41 anything about me? Was her boyfriend the one talking about me? That's good. And
110:44 one talking about me? That's good. And why was Clark so chill? Shouldn't he be
110:47 why was Clark so chill? Shouldn't he be the slightest bit jealous of our
110:49 the slightest bit jealous of our history? And why am I being so neurotic?
110:53 history? And why am I being so neurotic? Yeah, she agreed. And Wayade told me all
110:55 Yeah, she agreed. And Wayade told me all I could ever need to know about you. Oh,
110:59 I could ever need to know about you. Oh, I said, glancing at Brooks's stupid
111:01 I said, glancing at Brooks's stupid smirk, wondering what the hell he could
111:03 smirk, wondering what the hell he could have said. He said you're a pitcher from
111:05 have said. He said you're a pitcher from Nebraska, Oklahoma.
111:08 Nebraska, Oklahoma. All those states in the middle of the
111:09 All those states in the middle of the country just run together, Wade said
111:11 country just run together, Wade said defensively, shrugging. I can't be
111:14 defensively, shrugging. I can't be expected to keep track of which one our
111:15 expected to keep track of which one our little lefty comes from. Brooks is a
111:18 little lefty comes from. Brooks is a shining endorsement of the Texas school
111:20 shining endorsement of the Texas school system, don't you think? AJ said to
111:22 system, don't you think? AJ said to Campbell. Well, they say everything is
111:25 Campbell. Well, they say everything is bigger in Texas, she said.
111:28 bigger in Texas, she said. So that's right, honey. Wade
111:30 So that's right, honey. Wade interrupted, looking drunk as hell while
111:32 interrupted, looking drunk as hell while he beamed at her. I think it's safe to
111:34 he beamed at her. I think it's safe to say ignorance is not excluded from that
111:36 say ignorance is not excluded from that expression. Campbell grinned at Wade,
111:39 expression. Campbell grinned at Wade, her head cockked like she was waiting
111:41 her head cockked like she was waiting for his comeback. And it made sense that
111:43 for his comeback. And it made sense that she was friends with Liz. They both had
111:45 she was friends with Liz. They both had a sweetness about them that was
111:47 a sweetness about them that was surrounded by a layer of smart wit, like
111:49 surrounded by a layer of smart wit, like they were capable of being kind while
111:51 they were capable of being kind while also destroying you if you dared to
111:52 also destroying you if you dared to deserve it. WDE's voice was all
111:55 deserve it. WDE's voice was all confidence when he said, "Honey, I will
111:58 confidence when he said, "Honey, I will [ __ ] label an entire United States
112:01 [ __ ] label an entire United States mat for you with every state capital
112:03 mat for you with every state capital starred if that will make you like me."
112:06 starred if that will make you like me." "Can you do it while you're drunk?" she
112:08 "Can you do it while you're drunk?" she asked, sounding like she was trying not
112:10 asked, sounding like she was trying not to laugh on a fat S's napkin. Tonight,
112:14 to laugh on a fat S's napkin. Tonight, he asked, looking marginally less cocky
112:17 he asked, looking marginally less cocky as the car came to a stop across the
112:19 as the car came to a stop across the street from the restaurant. Sure, she
112:21 street from the restaurant. Sure, she said, and she kept talking as we all got
112:23 said, and she kept talking as we all got out of the Uber. I will make a US map
112:26 out of the Uber. I will make a US map while we wait in the food line. And then
112:28 while we wait in the food line. And then you can show off your geographical
112:30 you can show off your geographical knowledge while we eat. This is a
112:32 knowledge while we eat. This is a fantastic plan, I said as we got in
112:35 fantastic plan, I said as we got in line. Okay, you guys order, Mick said to
112:37 line. Okay, you guys order, Mick said to AJ and me, handing me a watt of cash,
112:39 AJ and me, handing me a watt of cash, and we'll grab that open table and get
112:41 and we'll grab that open table and get started. Yeah, Campbell agreed, holding
112:44 started. Yeah, Campbell agreed, holding out her card. I'd like the Stromboli
112:46 out her card. I'd like the Stromboli fries, please. Get me the fat brewing,
112:49 fries, please. Get me the fat brewing, Mick said. What do you want, Brooks? Fat
112:53 Mick said. What do you want, Brooks? Fat Texas and fries, Wade said, still
112:55 Texas and fries, Wade said, still wielding that drunk ass smile. And quit
112:58 wielding that drunk ass smile. And quit being so excited to see me fail. Can't
113:01 being so excited to see me fail. Can't quell this thrill, Mick said, shaking
113:03 quell this thrill, Mick said, shaking his head. It's what I live for. As soon
113:06 his head. It's what I live for. As soon as the three of them went over to the
113:07 as the three of them went over to the one empty table, Fat Cells was crazy
113:10 one empty table, Fat Cells was crazy busy on Friday nights. AJ said, "So, how
113:13 busy on Friday nights. AJ said, "So, how are you doing?" I'm fine, I said,
113:17 are you doing?" I'm fine, I said, glancing back at the patio to make sure
113:19 glancing back at the patio to make sure Campbell was way out of earshot. It's
113:21 Campbell was way out of earshot. It's fine. Good. He stepped forward when the
113:25 fine. Good. He stepped forward when the line moved. I just can't believe it's
113:27 line moved. I just can't believe it's Bxy, though. Bxy is your ex? That's
113:30 Bxy, though. Bxy is your ex? That's wild. How well do you know her? I asked
113:34 wild. How well do you know her? I asked genuinely curious. Now that I was
113:36 genuinely curious. Now that I was marginally calmer, only because I was
113:38 marginally calmer, only because I was distracted, I wanted to hear all about
113:40 distracted, I wanted to hear all about what he knew of California Liz. I don't
113:43 what he knew of California Liz. I don't know her at all, he said. But I know of
113:46 know her at all, he said. But I know of her from Wade and Mick. They were both
113:49 her from Wade and Mick. They were both sophomores.
113:51 sophomores. Yeah, I said, impressed by how casual I
113:54 Yeah, I said, impressed by how casual I sounded when I really wanted to pull out
113:55 sounded when I really wanted to pull out a notebook and write down every detail
113:57 a notebook and write down every detail he had pertaining to Liz Bugb. Yeah,
114:00 he had pertaining to Liz Bugb. Yeah, apparently Liz works for the video
114:01 apparently Liz works for the video production department, so she's always
114:04 production department, so she's always around filming and taking photos of
114:06 around filming and taking photos of practices and workouts. Her team is the
114:08 practices and workouts. Her team is the one that generates the content that the
114:10 one that generates the content that the athletic department puts on social
114:11 athletic department puts on social media. No way. Liz works in the athletic
114:16 media. No way. Liz works in the athletic department. I had not expected that.
114:20 department. I had not expected that. Yeah, I guess that's how everyone knows
114:22 Yeah, I guess that's how everyone knows her. Everyone knows her. Sounds like.
114:26 her. Everyone knows her. Sounds like. The line moved and he stepped forward
114:28 The line moved and he stepped forward again. And I asked a few guys about
114:30 again. And I asked a few guys about Clark, but apparently this thing with
114:31 Clark, but apparently this thing with him and Liz is brand new because no one
114:34 him and Liz is brand new because no one seems to think they're anything more
114:35 seems to think they're anything more than friends. I see. I felt a little
114:39 than friends. I see. I felt a little better hearing that because my chances
114:41 better hearing that because my chances were a hell of a lot greater if they
114:42 were a hell of a lot greater if they just started dating than if they'd been
114:44 just started dating than if they'd been together for a while. "So, what's your
114:46 together for a while. "So, what's your plan?" AJ asked. That brought my full
114:50 plan?" AJ asked. That brought my full attention to him, to his face as he gave
114:52 attention to him, to his face as he gave me a weird look. I'd never once
114:54 me a weird look. I'd never once mentioned to him, even when drunk, my
114:57 mentioned to him, even when drunk, my intention to ultimately win her back.
114:59 intention to ultimately win her back. So, I was a little surprised by the
115:01 So, I was a little surprised by the comment, "What do you mean?" I mean that
115:04 comment, "What do you mean?" I mean that you're wearing the same [ __ ]
115:06 you're wearing the same [ __ ] expression you get on your face when
115:07 expression you get on your face when you're trying to sit a batter. You look
115:10 you're trying to sit a batter. You look intentional, Bennett. The people in
115:13 intentional, Bennett. The people in front of us moved out of line and I
115:15 front of us moved out of line and I stepped up to the counter to order.
115:18 stepped up to the counter to order. Yeah, that was definitely intentional.
115:21 Yeah, that was definitely intentional. Regarding Lizzy, I had all the
115:23 Regarding Lizzy, I had all the intentions in the world.
115:32 >> Chapter 10. I love that you get a little crinkle
115:34 I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at
115:35 above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I
115:38 me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still
115:39 spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I
115:42 smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want
115:43 love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night
115:46 to talk to before I go to sleep at night when Harry met Sally.
115:50 when Harry met Sally. Liz,
115:54 any questions? I shoved my laptop into my backpack as
115:57 I shoved my laptop into my backpack as Elaine Lol, my forensic musiccology
115:59 Elaine Lol, my forensic musiccology instructor, waited for questions.
116:02 instructor, waited for questions. Questions that would not be coming. I'd
116:04 Questions that would not be coming. I'd taken one of her classes before, and she
116:07 taken one of her classes before, and she was absolutely brilliant, yet utterly
116:10 was absolutely brilliant, yet utterly terrifying.
116:12 terrifying. The building could be on fire, and no
116:14 The building could be on fire, and no one would dare ask that woman where the
116:16 one would dare ask that woman where the extinguishers were. She'd just assigned
116:19 extinguishers were. She'd just assigned a huge amount of reading. Reading that
116:22 a huge amount of reading. Reading that was sure to put me to sleep.
116:24 was sure to put me to sleep. It was important information that I'd
116:26 It was important information that I'd definitely be using in the real world,
116:28 definitely be using in the real world, but there was only so much a person
116:30 but there was only so much a person could read about music copyrights before
116:32 could read about music copyrights before their eyelids got droopy.
116:35 their eyelids got droopy. I'd probably go to the music library
116:36 I'd probably go to the music library later to read the text because my
116:39 later to read the text because my roommates were far too noisy to make the
116:41 roommates were far too noisy to make the comprehension of boring material
116:42 comprehension of boring material possible.
116:44 possible. Okay, then you're free to go.
116:48 Okay, then you're free to go. I followed the rush to exit and was
116:50 I followed the rush to exit and was almost to the door when I heard her say,
116:52 almost to the door when I heard her say, "Liz, can you hang back for a sec?"
116:56 "Liz, can you hang back for a sec?" "Sure." "Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Oh shit." I
117:00 "Sure." "Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Oh shit." I swallowed and walked over to the lecture
117:02 swallowed and walked over to the lecture podium where she was packing up her
117:04 podium where she was packing up her things, wondering what this could
117:07 things, wondering what this could possibly be about.
117:09 possibly be about. "What's up?"
117:11 "What's up?" She smiled, a warm smile, and I was
117:15 She smiled, a warm smile, and I was taken aback because I'd never seen her
117:18 taken aback because I'd never seen her smile before. She was a highpowered
117:20 smile before. She was a highpowered entertainment attorney with that whole I
117:23 entertainment attorney with that whole I don't have time for anything vibe. So, I
117:26 don't have time for anything vibe. So, I just assumed she didn't know how
117:28 just assumed she didn't know how that she'd never cared enough to learn.
117:32 that she'd never cared enough to learn. I just wanted to let you know that I'm
117:34 I just wanted to let you know that I'm always available for questions and extra
117:36 always available for questions and extra discussion. Lilith Gman is a good friend
117:38 discussion. Lilith Gman is a good friend of mine and she reached out to let me
117:40 of mine and she reached out to let me know her intern is in my class.
117:43 know her intern is in my class. Oh, I'd emailed my schedule to Lilith
117:46 Oh, I'd emailed my schedule to Lilith like she'd asked, but I hadn't expected
117:49 like she'd asked, but I hadn't expected her to look at it and actually interact
117:51 her to look at it and actually interact with it or reach out to an industry
117:54 with it or reach out to an industry professional to make a connection.
117:58 professional to make a connection. Thank you, I said, nodding and smiling,
118:01 Thank you, I said, nodding and smiling, basically gushing.
118:03 basically gushing. I really appreciate that. I'm positive
118:06 I really appreciate that. I'm positive I'll take you up on the offer.
118:08 I'll take you up on the offer. You definitely should, she said, still
118:11 You definitely should, she said, still smiling.
118:13 smiling. I'm happy to help anytime.
118:16 I'm happy to help anytime. I left the classroom totally energized.
118:19 I left the classroom totally energized. And as I exited Shonenberg and put in my
118:22 And as I exited Shonenberg and put in my AirPods, a burst of gratitude popped
118:25 AirPods, a burst of gratitude popped through me. The fact that I was even
118:27 through me. The fact that I was even there in LA taking music classes in such
118:30 there in LA taking music classes in such a gorgeous place, it was more than
118:33 a gorgeous place, it was more than enough.
118:35 enough. But now I was making connections in my
118:38 But now I was making connections in my dream career before I was even a senior.
118:41 dream career before I was even a senior. It was huge. I assigned unwritten to
118:45 It was huge. I assigned unwritten to this moment. I was always looking for a
118:47 this moment. I was always looking for a reason to steal it back from the hills.
118:49 reason to steal it back from the hills. Anyway, cranking it as I headed down
118:51 Anyway, cranking it as I headed down Bruin walk toward Morgan for my meeting
118:53 Bruin walk toward Morgan for my meeting with Lilith. I was visualizing a movie
118:56 with Lilith. I was visualizing a movie scene in my head as I walked through the
118:58 scene in my head as I walked through the busy crowd of students going to class.
119:00 busy crowd of students going to class. the music playing as the protagonist
119:02 the music playing as the protagonist crossed the picturesque campus with a
119:05 crossed the picturesque campus with a cheesy smile on her face.
119:08 cheesy smile on her face. Reaching for something in the distance,
119:10 Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it on your
119:13 so close you can almost taste it on your left.
119:15 left. I squeaked and jumped out of the way as
119:17 I squeaked and jumped out of the way as a scooter buzzed past me, so close to
119:20 a scooter buzzed past me, so close to running me down that I could actually
119:22 running me down that I could actually feel the breeze when it passed. Jackass.
119:26 feel the breeze when it passed. Jackass. I wasn't surprised to see it was an
119:28 I wasn't surprised to see it was an athlete at the helm. I wasn't sure why,
119:31 athlete at the helm. I wasn't sure why, but they were the ones I always saw
119:33 but they were the ones I always saw using scooters. I watched the guy zip in
119:36 using scooters. I watched the guy zip in and out of foot traffic like a NASCAR
119:38 and out of foot traffic like a NASCAR driver, fast and unfaced, and I gritted
119:41 driver, fast and unfaced, and I gritted my teeth when I saw the height of the
119:43 my teeth when I saw the height of the dude and his Bruins baseball backpack.
119:47 dude and his Bruins baseball backpack. Are you freaking kidding me? I couldn't
119:51 Are you freaking kidding me? I couldn't be positive, but that idiot looked a lot
119:53 be positive, but that idiot looked a lot like Wes Bennett from behind.
119:56 like Wes Bennett from behind. As if hearing me, the guy suddenly
119:59 As if hearing me, the guy suddenly whipped the scooter around and came back
120:01 whipped the scooter around and came back in the opposite direction, riding toward
120:04 in the opposite direction, riding toward me.
120:05 me. Why universe?
120:08 Why universe? It was definitely Wes. And he was
120:11 It was definitely Wes. And he was wearing his smartass grin as he
120:13 wearing his smartass grin as he scootered toward me.
120:15 scootered toward me. I cannot believe the slowpoke I almost
120:18 I cannot believe the slowpoke I almost flattened as Lizzy Bucks mound, he said,
120:21 flattened as Lizzy Bucks mound, he said, turning yet again. So now he was riding
120:23 turning yet again. So now he was riding alongside me.
120:25 alongside me. believe it, I said, and I just kept
120:28 believe it, I said, and I just kept walking, hoping he'd go away.
120:32 walking, hoping he'd go away. I'm really sorry for the near miss.
120:35 I'm really sorry for the near miss. I glanced over at him. He didn't look
120:38 I glanced over at him. He didn't look sorry as he watched me, slow riding on
120:41 sorry as he watched me, slow riding on that scooter while wearing the bratty
120:43 that scooter while wearing the bratty half smile that brought back a thousand
120:45 half smile that brought back a thousand memories I didn't want to remember.
120:49 memories I didn't want to remember. Now, he looked amused as his mouth slid
120:51 Now, he looked amused as his mouth slid into an even bigger grin.
120:54 into an even bigger grin. This is when you say that's okay, Wes.
120:58 This is when you say that's okay, Wes. No, this is when I say, "Can you go
121:01 No, this is when I say, "Can you go scooter somewhere else, Wes?"
121:04 scooter somewhere else, Wes?" His eyes were dancing when he said, "I
121:07 His eyes were dancing when he said, "I do have to get to class, so I'm going to
121:10 do have to get to class, so I'm going to let that slide." "Oh, joy," I muttered,
121:14 let that slide." "Oh, joy," I muttered, walking a little faster.
121:17 walking a little faster. But Lib, he said, his voice scratching
121:21 But Lib, he said, his voice scratching the part of my brain that used to listen
121:23 the part of my brain that used to listen to Bosy on repeat. Don't call me that, I
121:26 to Bosy on repeat. Don't call me that, I snapped, nearly speedwalking, even
121:28 snapped, nearly speedwalking, even though I knew there was no escaping him.
121:31 though I knew there was no escaping him. He sighed dramatically and said, "It was
121:35 He sighed dramatically and said, "It was really great seeing you."
121:38 really great seeing you." And then he zipped away.
121:40 And then he zipped away. It felt like my teeth were going to
121:42 It felt like my teeth were going to shatter because I was gritting them so
121:44 shatter because I was gritting them so hard as he disappeared from my line of
121:46 hard as he disappeared from my line of sight.
121:48 sight. Why is this happening to me? I'd spent
121:52 Why is this happening to me? I'd spent all of Saturday spiraling, freaking out
121:55 all of Saturday spiraling, freaking out about the fact that he was here. Every
121:57 about the fact that he was here. Every time I was able to calm down and
121:59 time I was able to calm down and convince myself it was no big deal. It's
122:01 convince myself it was no big deal. It's been years and we're both different
122:03 been years and we're both different people now. I'd picture his face when he
122:06 people now. I'd picture his face when he smirkily said, "Is that what we were?"
122:11 smirkily said, "Is that what we were?" And the rage was immediately back.
122:14 And the rage was immediately back. [ __ ]
122:15 [ __ ] because it wasn't fair that he was here.
122:17 because it wasn't fair that he was here. This was my place. Damn it. I had a life
122:20 This was my place. Damn it. I had a life that I liked at school. A life that came
122:23 that I liked at school. A life that came after the ruins of us. A life built
122:27 after the ruins of us. A life built because my first attempt had crashed and
122:29 because my first attempt had crashed and burned.
122:31 burned. So somehow the idea of Wes in close
122:33 So somehow the idea of Wes in close proximity to it felt precarious.
122:36 proximity to it felt precarious. Like his smartass it was really great
122:39 Like his smartass it was really great seeing you presence could ruin all the
122:42 seeing you presence could ruin all the little wonderfuls that I'd carefully
122:44 little wonderfuls that I'd carefully created. And God, my job and now my
122:48 created. And God, my job and now my internship was all about UCLA athletics.
122:51 internship was all about UCLA athletics. It was important to me and I was
122:54 It was important to me and I was terrified he was going to mess it up or
122:56 terrified he was going to mess it up or make me love it less. And in addition to
122:59 make me love it less. And in addition to that, how was I supposed to avoid him
123:02 that, how was I supposed to avoid him when the primary task of my vocation was
123:05 when the primary task of my vocation was to capture athletes on film and he was
123:07 to capture athletes on film and he was an athlete?
123:14 Somehow he just landed in the center of my million miles away from Omaha world
123:16 my million miles away from Omaha world and it wasn't fair.
123:19 and it wasn't fair. Clark brushed the whole thing off and
123:22 Clark brushed the whole thing off and thought I was totally overreacting.
123:25 thought I was totally overreacting. First of all, he thinks you have a
123:27 First of all, he thinks you have a boyfriend, so I'm sure he'll stay away
123:30 boyfriend, so I'm sure he'll stay away from you because I'm ridiculously
123:32 from you because I'm ridiculously intimidating. Second, it's not even
123:35 intimidating. Second, it's not even baseball season yet, so we won't do Jack
123:39 baseball season yet, so we won't do Jack with the team until spring.
123:41 with the team until spring. And if there are baseball assignments,
123:43 And if there are baseball assignments, I'll just focus on the pictures and you
123:45 I'll just focus on the pictures and you can do the rest. Problem solved.
123:49 can do the rest. Problem solved. I took a deep breath and told myself
123:52 I took a deep breath and told myself Clark was right. This was a huge school,
123:57 Clark was right. This was a huge school, so the odds were in my favor that
123:59 so the odds were in my favor that run-ins like the one we just had would
124:01 run-ins like the one we just had would be few and far between. And Clark's plan
124:05 be few and far between. And Clark's plan for Wes avoidance was totally doable.
124:08 for Wes avoidance was totally doable. It was going to be fine. This was no big
124:11 It was going to be fine. This was no big deal. A minor irritation at most. And it
124:15 deal. A minor irritation at most. And it was totally feasible that I could
124:17 was totally feasible that I could absolutely avoid any further
124:19 absolutely avoid any further interactions with West Bennett.
124:26 I'd like to embed you with the baseball team.
124:28 team. My coffee immediately went down the
124:30 My coffee immediately went down the wrong tube and I started coughing,
124:32 wrong tube and I started coughing, hacking as Lilith patiently waited for
124:35 hacking as Lilith patiently waited for me to recover.
124:37 me to recover. embed you with the baseball team.
124:40 embed you with the baseball team. Dear God, this couldn't be good. As soon
124:43 Dear God, this couldn't be good. As soon as I was able to speak, I gasped. What?
124:48 as I was able to speak, I gasped. What? She crossed her arms and said, "I'm sure
124:51 She crossed her arms and said, "I'm sure you heard that baseball America has
124:54 you heard that baseball America has determined UCLA as the number one
124:56 determined UCLA as the number one recruiting class in the nation, right?"
124:59 recruiting class in the nation, right?" Yes.
125:00 Yes. Well, your tiny little social media post
125:03 Well, your tiny little social media post of the team's preseason practice on
125:05 of the team's preseason practice on Friday got more likes than the football
125:07 Friday got more likes than the football content, and they had a game on
125:10 content, and they had a game on Saturday.
125:12 Saturday. She looked pleased, which made me beyond
125:15 She looked pleased, which made me beyond pleased.
125:16 pleased. I was also surprised that Lilith was
125:19 I was also surprised that Lilith was paying attention to the athletic
125:20 paying attention to the athletic department's social media posts, to be
125:22 department's social media posts, to be honest. The woman was on top of
125:24 honest. The woman was on top of everything.
125:25 everything. "People are excited about the baseball
125:28 "People are excited about the baseball team," she said. boosters are excited.
125:31 team," she said. boosters are excited. Everyone wants to see more of this
125:33 Everyone wants to see more of this promising bunch of players.
125:36 promising bunch of players. I rubbed the spot between my eyebrows
125:38 I rubbed the spot between my eyebrows that was getting a headache.
125:40 that was getting a headache. What um what does imbed mean in this
125:46 What um what does imbed mean in this instance exactly? I asked, trying my
125:50 instance exactly? I asked, trying my hardest to sound like I didn't have
125:52 hardest to sound like I didn't have stakes in her answer.
125:54 stakes in her answer. Did you watch Hard Knocks yet? Yes.
125:58 Did you watch Hard Knocks yet? Yes. Yesterday, I'd binge watched the latest
126:00 Yesterday, I'd binge watched the latest season, and it was a fantastic docu
126:02 season, and it was a fantastic docu series that covered the day-to-day of an
126:05 series that covered the day-to-day of an NFL team during their season. I loved
126:08 NFL team during their season. I loved it. Well, good, because that's what we
126:11 it. Well, good, because that's what we want to do with the baseball team. We
126:14 want to do with the baseball team. We want to brand this team and this
126:16 want to brand this team and this content. We haven't finalized the
126:18 content. We haven't finalized the verbiage, but I'm leaning toward Bruins
126:21 verbiage, but I'm leaning toward Bruins baseball, building a championship team.
126:25 baseball, building a championship team. Oh, I said, nodding and trying to focus
126:29 Oh, I said, nodding and trying to focus while my mind ran wild.
126:32 while my mind ran wild. We want followers to be inundated with
126:34 We want followers to be inundated with day in the life of a Bruins baseball
126:36 day in the life of a Bruins baseball player content, as well as short player
126:38 player content, as well as short player interviews to introduce this year's
126:40 interviews to introduce this year's team. I'd like for you to think of
126:42 team. I'd like for you to think of yourself as an honorary Bruin teammate
126:45 yourself as an honorary Bruin teammate and basically go to class, then
126:47 and basically go to class, then baseball, then sleep, rinse and repeat.
126:50 baseball, then sleep, rinse and repeat. I'd love to see three or four reels a
126:52 I'd love to see three or four reels a week until fall ball ends.
126:54 week until fall ball ends. What? No.
126:58 What? No. Was she seriously telling me she wanted
127:00 Was she seriously telling me she wanted me to dedicate my every waking hour to
127:03 me to dedicate my every waking hour to the baseball team? The baseball team
127:05 the baseball team? The baseball team that he was a member of. And I would
127:10 that he was a member of. And I would have to interview him.
127:12 have to interview him. I would absolutely open with the song
127:16 I would absolutely open with the song disaster in this scene if my life was a
127:18 disaster in this scene if my life was a movie.
127:20 movie. This could be a disaster. There's so
127:23 This could be a disaster. There's so many factors.
127:25 many factors. What do you think, Liz? She asked,
127:28 What do you think, Liz? She asked, looking excited.
127:30 looking excited. It sounds amazing, I lied, my stomach
127:34 It sounds amazing, I lied, my stomach filling with dread.
127:36 filling with dread. Um, so is this for the production
127:39 Um, so is this for the production department or is this No, this is all
127:41 department or is this No, this is all you. She gave me an eyebrow raise and
127:44 you. She gave me an eyebrow raise and said,
127:46 said, this is your next internship assignment.
127:49 this is your next internship assignment. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
127:52 Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. It's a pretty big time commitment,
127:53 It's a pretty big time commitment, though, she said, standing and coming
127:56 though, she said, standing and coming around to perch on the edge of her desk.
127:59 around to perch on the edge of her desk. I've confirmed that the general schedule
128:00 I've confirmed that the general schedule for the team is workouts at 6:30 a.m.
128:02 for the team is workouts at 6:30 a.m. every day, followed by morning classes,
128:05 every day, followed by morning classes, then position coach practices for
128:07 then position coach practices for players after lunch. Those are only
128:09 players after lunch. Those are only three times a week, thank God. After
128:11 three times a week, thank God. After that, there's actual practice every day,
128:14 that, there's actual practice every day, conditioning three times a week, and
128:15 conditioning three times a week, and then study hall to make sure the players
128:18 then study hall to make sure the players aren't falling behind. The life of a
128:20 aren't falling behind. The life of a student athlete is not for the meek.
128:23 student athlete is not for the meek. My head was spinning.
128:26 My head was spinning. How in the world was I going to do all
128:28 How in the world was I going to do all that by myself and keep up with my
128:30 that by myself and keep up with my studies and my job? It seemed
128:34 studies and my job? It seemed impossible. But I also wasn't about to
128:36 impossible. But I also wasn't about to say no. Not to Lilith.
128:40 say no. Not to Lilith. Because the thing of it was she'd
128:42 Because the thing of it was she'd already become more than a professional
128:44 already become more than a professional mentor to me. She was my hero. I didn't
128:48 mentor to me. She was my hero. I didn't know exactly how old she was, but she
128:50 know exactly how old she was, but she was young for what a powerhouse she was
128:52 was young for what a powerhouse she was at heft, as well as the work she did
128:54 at heft, as well as the work she did with the NFL. I'd seen hundreds of
128:57 with the NFL. I'd seen hundreds of pictures of her getting sideline shots
128:59 pictures of her getting sideline shots at important games like the Super Bowl,
129:01 at important games like the Super Bowl, and she was such an inspiration that I'd
129:04 and she was such an inspiration that I'd rather do almost anything than
129:06 rather do almost anything than disappoint her.
129:08 disappoint her. Even though this is your internship
129:10 Even though this is your internship assignment, it's work that the AD wants
129:12 assignment, it's work that the AD wants done. So, you'll be able to loop it
129:14 done. So, you'll be able to loop it through your job and have access to your
129:16 through your job and have access to your usual resources. He okayed pulling
129:19 usual resources. He okayed pulling someone to be your dedicated
129:20 someone to be your dedicated counterpart. So, if you have a coworker
129:22 counterpart. So, if you have a coworker you prefer teaming up with and they're
129:24 you prefer teaming up with and they're interested, let me know who that is and
129:26 interested, let me know who that is and I'll pass on the word so I can still
129:29 I'll pass on the word so I can still work with Clark. That was a relief, even
129:32 work with Clark. That was a relief, even though I was still completely
129:34 though I was still completely overwhelmed by what she was proposing.
129:37 overwhelmed by what she was proposing. Let me ask him, but I'm pretty sure
129:39 Let me ask him, but I'm pretty sure Clark Waters would totally be
129:40 Clark Waters would totally be interested. And he's great. Wonderful,
129:44 interested. And he's great. Wonderful, she said, picking up her phone to type
129:46 she said, picking up her phone to type in Clark's name. The details are still
129:49 in Clark's name. The details are still being ironed out, Liz, but it's very
129:51 being ironed out, Liz, but it's very likely this little assignment could
129:53 likely this little assignment could actually end up in the documentary.
129:56 actually end up in the documentary. What?
129:58 What? That made all other thoughts cease
130:00 That made all other thoughts cease because until now, the only thing I
130:03 because until now, the only thing I thought I'd be contributing to a
130:04 thought I'd be contributing to a legitimate film documentary was my
130:06 legitimate film documentary was my assistants.
130:08 assistants. Really? She nodded and looked up from
130:11 Really? She nodded and looked up from her phone. Obviously, my hands are the
130:14 her phone. Obviously, my hands are the ones that will be all over the film. I'm
130:16 ones that will be all over the film. I'm terribly territorial and don't like to
130:18 terribly territorial and don't like to share, to be honest. But if this
130:21 share, to be honest. But if this preseason content hits the way I think
130:23 preseason content hits the way I think it will, it'll be great to have these
130:26 it will, it'll be great to have these clips in the first act. Especially the
130:28 clips in the first act. Especially the intros.
130:30 intros. Yeah. Um, about the intros, I said,
130:34 Yeah. Um, about the intros, I said, clearing my throat, unsure exactly what
130:37 clearing my throat, unsure exactly what to say.
130:39 to say. I feel like there's something I need to
130:41 I feel like there's something I need to make you aware of.
130:44 make you aware of. >> Oh. Lilith narrowed her eyes and asked,
130:49 >> Oh. Lilith narrowed her eyes and asked, "What is it?"
130:51 "What is it?" Well, it seems that one of the players
130:53 Well, it seems that one of the players and I have a a complicated history, I
130:58 and I have a a complicated history, I guess you could say.
131:00 guess you could say. My cheeks were warm as I explained.
131:04 My cheeks were warm as I explained. I haven't seen him in years, and until
131:06 I haven't seen him in years, and until Friday, I had no idea he was even at
131:08 Friday, I had no idea he was even at UCLA, much less on the baseball team.
131:12 UCLA, much less on the baseball team. But I just feel like I should put it out
131:14 But I just feel like I should put it out there before we get started that I used
131:17 there before we get started that I used to have a relationship with West
131:19 to have a relationship with West Bennett.
131:20 Bennett. She tilted her head. The new ace.
131:25 She tilted her head. The new ace. Was that how he was being referred to?
131:28 Was that how he was being referred to? The new ace?
131:30 The new ace? Yes.
131:32 Yes. I see.
131:34 I see. She crossed her arms.
131:37 She crossed her arms. Should I be concerned by the word
131:39 Should I be concerned by the word complicated?
131:41 complicated? Are there issues I should be aware of?
131:43 Are there issues I should be aware of? No. No. I corrected, shaking my head.
131:47 No. No. I corrected, shaking my head. Nothing like that. It was totally a
131:50 Nothing like that. It was totally a normal high school dating relationship.
131:52 normal high school dating relationship. I just thought you should know in case
131:55 I just thought you should know in case you thought it was a conflict of
131:56 you thought it was a conflict of interest or something.
131:59 interest or something. I don't have any issues with it, she
132:03 I don't have any issues with it, she said slowly, giving me serious eye
132:06 said slowly, giving me serious eye contact.
132:08 contact. As long as you can work with him
132:10 As long as you can work with him professionally.
132:13 professionally. Can you?
132:14 Can you? Of course I can, I exclaimed, nodding
132:18 Of course I can, I exclaimed, nodding wildly.
132:20 wildly. It's ancient history, truly.
132:22 It's ancient history, truly. Good, she said, straightening and
132:26 Good, she said, straightening and walking back around the desk.
132:28 walking back around the desk. So, do you think you can juggle your
132:30 So, do you think you can juggle your coursework and hard knocks? How do you
132:33 coursework and hard knocks? How do you feel about this assignment?
132:35 feel about this assignment? I definitely can't juggle it all. Maybe
132:39 I definitely can't juggle it all. Maybe I can, though,
132:42 I can, though, I have no idea.
132:44 I have no idea. My anxiety riddled brain was running
132:46 My anxiety riddled brain was running wild. But when I looked at Lilith, at
132:50 wild. But when I looked at Lilith, at this inspiring woman who was all over
132:53 this inspiring woman who was all over everything,
132:54 everything, I realized that I could be, too. I mean,
132:59 I realized that I could be, too. I mean, of course, I could because I wasn't
133:02 of course, I could because I wasn't little Liz anymore.
133:05 little Liz anymore. I loved where I was in life. I loved my
133:08 I loved where I was in life. I loved my friends. I loved my school. And I was
133:10 friends. I loved my school. And I was obsessed with my internship.
133:13 obsessed with my internship. I could handle my studies and I would
133:16 I could handle my studies and I would handle this challenge because if Wes
133:19 handle this challenge because if Wes Bennett hadn't showed up a few days ago,
133:21 Bennett hadn't showed up a few days ago, I would be screaming over this
133:23 I would be screaming over this opportunity and celebrating my
133:25 opportunity and celebrating my unbelievable good luck. So, I couldn't
133:28 unbelievable good luck. So, I couldn't let someone from my past, someone I
133:30 let someone from my past, someone I hadn't seen in years ruin it for me.
133:34 hadn't seen in years ruin it for me. I can absolutely handle it, and I can't
133:37 I can absolutely handle it, and I can't wait. I smiled, meaning it, and said, "I
133:43 wait. I smiled, meaning it, and said, "I think it's time to get embedded."
133:52 Chapter 11. People do fall in love. People do belong
133:55 People do fall in love. People do belong to each other because that's the only
133:57 to each other because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.
134:00 chance anybody's got for real happiness. Breakfast at Tiffany's.
134:03 Breakfast at Tiffany's. Wes,
134:05 Wes, easy. Woody popped up from his squat
134:08 easy. Woody popped up from his squat behind the plate and threw back the 10
134:09 behind the plate and threw back the 10 balls that been in the dirt beside him
134:11 balls that been in the dirt beside him as Ross said, "Don't give up accuracy
134:13 as Ross said, "Don't give up accuracy for speed." What the hell was that,
134:16 for speed." What the hell was that, Wesley? I caught each ball and dropped
134:19 Wesley? I caught each ball and dropped them by my feet, wiping my forehead with
134:21 them by my feet, wiping my forehead with the back of my arm. "Okay, you got this,
134:25 the back of my arm. "Okay, you got this, Bennett." Woody dropped back down and
134:27 Bennett." Woody dropped back down and held out his glove. "Let's go. Let's
134:30 held out his glove. "Let's go. Let's go." I flipped the ball, running my
134:33 go." I flipped the ball, running my index finger along the scene before
134:34 index finger along the scene before taking a deep breath to clear my head.
134:37 taking a deep breath to clear my head. Because even though my dad was dead,
134:39 Because even though my dad was dead, it'd been 2 years since he'd had the
134:41 it'd been 2 years since he'd had the heart attack in his lazy boy in front of
134:42 heart attack in his lazy boy in front of the Cubs Mets game on TV. Every time I
134:45 the Cubs Mets game on TV. Every time I pitched, he was right there with me. I
134:48 pitched, he was right there with me. I heard his voice with every bullpen I
134:50 heard his voice with every bullpen I threw. Occasionally, I heard him when I
134:53 threw. Occasionally, I heard him when I was doing well, but mostly he spoke to
134:55 was doing well, but mostly he spoke to me when I was struggling, which really
134:57 me when I was struggling, which really messed with my ability to power through
134:59 messed with my ability to power through because even though his voice was saying
135:01 because even though his voice was saying things like, "Throw him the gas." And
135:03 things like, "Throw him the gas." And basically growling about how crappy I
135:05 basically growling about how crappy I was pitching, it made me miss him so
135:09 was pitching, it made me miss him so much, which was nuts, right? How did it
135:13 much, which was nuts, right? How did it make me miss him when it reminded me of
135:15 make me miss him when it reminded me of what a psycho he'd been about baseball?
135:17 what a psycho he'd been about baseball? Wes. Ross looked at me with raised
135:20 Wes. Ross looked at me with raised eyebrows. [ __ ]
135:22 eyebrows. [ __ ] On it, I said before winding up and
135:25 On it, I said before winding up and letting loose with another fast ball.
135:27 letting loose with another fast ball. Better, he said as Woody dropped the
135:30 Better, he said as Woody dropped the ball he caught and held out his glove to
135:32 ball he caught and held out his glove to catch another.
135:33 catch another. Better, but you need to throw harder,
135:36 Better, but you need to throw harder, kid. Throw him the gas and quit being
135:38 kid. Throw him the gas and quit being soft. "Shut up," I said under my breath
135:41 soft. "Shut up," I said under my breath as I threw hard, relishing the loud
135:44 as I threw hard, relishing the loud smack of the ball hitting Woody's glove.
135:46 smack of the ball hitting Woody's glove. Okay, Ross said, taking off his baseball
135:49 Okay, Ross said, taking off his baseball cap and putting it on again. I grabbed
135:52 cap and putting it on again. I grabbed another ball, refusing to let his voice
135:53 another ball, refusing to let his voice into my head. I threw a curve this time,
135:56 into my head. I threw a curve this time, watching it drop over the plate. It was
135:59 watching it drop over the plate. It was perfect. Hell yes. And then I heard it.
136:03 perfect. Hell yes. And then I heard it. Liz's voice, laughing.
136:06 Liz's voice, laughing. Was I seriously hearing her voice now,
136:08 Was I seriously hearing her voice now, too? Another one just like that. What he
136:11 too? Another one just like that. What he said, tossing the ball to his right. I
136:14 said, tossing the ball to his right. I grabbed another ball, inhaled through my
136:16 grabbed another ball, inhaled through my nose, and let loose with a killer fast
136:19 nose, and let loose with a killer fast ball. Hell yes. Let's go, Eli yelled
136:23 ball. Hell yes. Let's go, Eli yelled from behind me, which meant the shorts
136:25 from behind me, which meant the shorts stops were here for their practice. I
136:27 stops were here for their practice. I was about to throw another one when I
136:28 was about to throw another one when I heard him say, "Did you guys get that
136:30 heard him say, "Did you guys get that curve on camera?" I turned my head and
136:34 curve on camera?" I turned my head and holy damn, there was Liz and her
136:38 holy damn, there was Liz and her boyfriend.
136:39 boyfriend. Clark and his man bun were filming my
136:42 Clark and his man bun were filming my pitching again, which bugged the piss
136:44 pitching again, which bugged the piss out of me as I stared into his video
136:45 out of me as I stared into his video camera and wondered if he could see the
136:47 camera and wondered if he could see the annoyance in my eyes. I knew I was going
136:50 annoyance in my eyes. I knew I was going to have to get used to random people
136:51 to have to get used to random people with cameras popping up to film for
136:53 with cameras popping up to film for social media, but something about him
136:55 social media, but something about him being there felt intrusive,
136:57 being there felt intrusive, irritating as hell. You have my girl.
137:00 irritating as hell. You have my girl. Isn't that enough? Liz was standing on a
137:03 Isn't that enough? Liz was standing on a step stool near Eli, wearing shorts, a
137:06 step stool near Eli, wearing shorts, a Bruins basketball t-shirt, and a pair of
137:08 Bruins basketball t-shirt, and a pair of blue hightop Converse with little smiley
137:10 blue hightop Converse with little smiley faces all over them. Her hair was pulled
137:12 faces all over them. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail. Her eyes were covered
137:15 up in a ponytail. Her eyes were covered with Ray-B bands, and she was looking
137:16 with Ray-B bands, and she was looking down, messing with something on the long
137:18 down, messing with something on the long lens camera and her hands. Hands with
137:21 lens camera and her hands. Hands with perfectly trim blue and yellow
137:22 perfectly trim blue and yellow fingernails.
137:24 fingernails. God, she's beautiful. I hadn't seen her
137:27 God, she's beautiful. I hadn't seen her since my accidental
137:29 since my accidental sort of but not really buzzby on the
137:32 sort of but not really buzzby on the scooter last week. AJ said she'd been
137:35 scooter last week. AJ said she'd been around filming at his BP and infielders
137:37 around filming at his BP and infielders practice, but I'd somehow managed to
137:39 practice, but I'd somehow managed to miss her until now. Nice sp, Bennett,
137:42 miss her until now. Nice sp, Bennett, Ross barked, and I forced my attention
137:44 Ross barked, and I forced my attention back to pitching as he muttered. Pay
137:46 back to pitching as he muttered. Pay attention. Damn it. I was good at
137:50 attention. Damn it. I was good at shutting everything out, so I finished
137:51 shutting everything out, so I finished strong. But I didn't like the way it
137:53 strong. But I didn't like the way it felt. I used to love when Liz went to my
137:55 felt. I used to love when Liz went to my high school games because for someone
137:57 high school games because for someone who didn't enjoy sports, she got into
137:59 who didn't enjoy sports, she got into it. She wore my alternate jersey to
138:02 it. She wore my alternate jersey to every game with a flowery little skirt,
138:04 every game with a flowery little skirt, of course, and yelled things like, "You
138:06 of course, and yelled things like, "You got this, Bennett." Even though she
138:08 got this, Bennett." Even though she didn't know dick about baseball, and she
138:11 didn't know dick about baseball, and she had the most incredible feedback. I love
138:14 had the most incredible feedback. I love the way you look like you want to kill
138:15 the way you look like you want to kill the batter when you release the ball.
138:17 the batter when you release the ball. Did you know you spin the ball before
138:19 Did you know you spin the ball before every pitch? I made a list of walkup
138:21 every pitch? I made a list of walkup songs you should use in college.
138:23 songs you should use in college. I could still remember the list because
138:26 I could still remember the list because it was all songs she didn't personally
138:27 it was all songs she didn't personally enjoy, but that she felt worked for the
138:29 enjoy, but that she felt worked for the situation. I took my responsibility very
138:32 situation. I took my responsibility very seriously and chose number five, which
138:35 seriously and chose number five, which made her happy because it was her
138:36 made her happy because it was her favorite as well, even though she said
138:38 favorite as well, even though she said she'd never forgive Kanye for what he'd
138:40 she'd never forgive Kanye for what he'd done. DNA Kendrick Lamar. Trophies,
138:44 done. DNA Kendrick Lamar. Trophies, Young Money, Step into a World, KRS1,
138:47 Young Money, Step into a World, KRS1, Welcome to the Jungle, Guns and Roses,
138:50 Welcome to the Jungle, Guns and Roses, Power Kanye West.
138:53 Power Kanye West. But now I felt unsettled by her
138:56 But now I felt unsettled by her presence. Because what did she even see
138:59 presence. Because what did she even see now when she watched me? The [ __ ] she
139:02 now when she watched me? The [ __ ] she hated. Some random freshman pitcher who
139:05 hated. Some random freshman pitcher who was struggling with consistency.
139:07 was struggling with consistency. Her annoying childhood next door
139:09 Her annoying childhood next door neighbor. She wasn't by the bullpen
139:12 neighbor. She wasn't by the bullpen anymore when I grabbed my stuff. She and
139:14 anymore when I grabbed my stuff. She and her giant have moved over to film the
139:16 her giant have moved over to film the shorts stops from the third baseline.
139:18 shorts stops from the third baseline. Which is good, I reminded myself as my
139:21 Which is good, I reminded myself as my eyes sought out that shimmery red
139:22 eyes sought out that shimmery red ponytail, I don't need the distraction
139:26 ponytail, I don't need the distraction because watching them work together now
139:27 because watching them work together now that I knew they were dating and living
139:29 that I knew they were dating and living together was just too much. No amount of
139:32 together was just too much. No amount of mental toughness could keep me focused
139:34 mental toughness could keep me focused when that was happening in my line of
139:36 when that was happening in my line of sight. I was all about getting closer to
139:38 sight. I was all about getting closer to her, but I wanted nothing to do with
139:40 her, but I wanted nothing to do with close proximity to them.
139:44 close proximity to them. A couple of hours later, I found myself
139:46 A couple of hours later, I found myself dealing with it again. "For the love of
139:49 dealing with it again. "For the love of God, why are they here?" I asked,
139:51 God, why are they here?" I asked, sitting down next to Mickey and
139:53 sitting down next to Mickey and unzipping my backpack, watching as Liz
139:55 unzipping my backpack, watching as Liz squatted in front of the table where
139:56 squatted in front of the table where Wade and AJ were studying, her camera in
139:59 Wade and AJ were studying, her camera in front of her face. Her boyfriend was on
140:01 front of her face. Her boyfriend was on the other side of the room recording Eli
140:03 the other side of the room recording Eli and Luke as they studied, invading my
140:05 and Luke as they studied, invading my space with their presence. Dude, Mick
140:09 space with their presence. Dude, Mick looked at me like I was a dick. You
140:12 looked at me like I was a dick. You don't like Bxy and Clark? Mick had
140:14 don't like Bxy and Clark? Mick had gotten so hammered at Liz's party that
140:16 gotten so hammered at Liz's party that he seemed to have missed or forgotten
140:17 he seemed to have missed or forgotten the news that Liz and I used to date,
140:19 the news that Liz and I used to date, and I wasn't about to enlighten him. It
140:22 and I wasn't about to enlighten him. It was only a matter of time with Wade's
140:24 was only a matter of time with Wade's big mouth, so I just let it unfold
140:26 big mouth, so I just let it unfold organically
140:28 organically later. No, I mean, they're fine, I said,
140:33 later. No, I mean, they're fine, I said, wanting to laugh at the detached way I'd
140:34 wanting to laugh at the detached way I'd said the word fine, as if I was talking
140:37 said the word fine, as if I was talking about the lighting in the study room or
140:39 about the lighting in the study room or something I had absolutely no opinion
140:40 something I had absolutely no opinion on. But it seems weird they'd be making
140:43 on. But it seems weird they'd be making Tik Toks about a team study hall. Like,
140:46 Tik Toks about a team study hall. Like, who wants that [ __ ] on their feed? Oh,
140:49 who wants that [ __ ] on their feed? Oh, it's way bigger than that, he whispered,
140:52 it's way bigger than that, he whispered, a smug grin landing on his face. They're
140:54 a smug grin landing on his face. They're doing a whole big content thing about
140:56 doing a whole big content thing about us. Liz and Clark are baseball dedicated
140:59 us. Liz and Clark are baseball dedicated now. What? The athletic department, he
141:02 now. What? The athletic department, he said quietly, but I could tell he was
141:04 said quietly, but I could tell he was excited. Wants to do a pre-season series
141:07 excited. Wants to do a pre-season series about the baseball team. So, those two
141:09 about the baseball team. So, those two are going to follow us around like all
141:10 are going to follow us around like all the time until fall ball ends. Talk
141:13 the time until fall ball ends. Talk about a distraction, I said, taking out
141:16 about a distraction, I said, taking out my laptop and calmly speaking as if it
141:18 my laptop and calmly speaking as if it was no big deal. Even though my brain
141:20 was no big deal. Even though my brain was running in a hundred different
141:21 was running in a hundred different directions, jumping up and down and
141:23 directions, jumping up and down and shouting. Because Liz being around all
141:26 shouting. Because Liz being around all the time was huge, like a golden
141:28 the time was huge, like a golden opportunity to make some headway with
141:30 opportunity to make some headway with her, but not with her boyfriend beside
141:32 her, but not with her boyfriend beside her for God's sake. I mean, wasn't it
141:36 her for God's sake. I mean, wasn't it enough that I'd given her up and walked
141:37 enough that I'd given her up and walked away? Now I was supposed to spend time
141:39 away? Now I was supposed to spend time with her every day and watch her work
141:41 with her every day and watch her work closely with Clark. Not going to lie, I
141:44 closely with Clark. Not going to lie, I won't mind having Liz around all the
141:46 won't mind having Liz around all the time. Yeah, that doesn't help either. I
141:49 time. Yeah, that doesn't help either. I swallowed and didn't look up as I opened
141:51 swallowed and didn't look up as I opened my computer and gave Mick a
141:53 my computer and gave Mick a non-committal, "Yeah." There was a smile
141:56 non-committal, "Yeah." There was a smile in his voice when he said, "I don't know
141:58 in his voice when he said, "I don't know what she was like as a little kid when
142:00 what she was like as a little kid when you knew her, but she's cool as hell
142:02 you knew her, but she's cool as hell now. What was she like?" For some
142:05 now. What was she like?" For some reason, my mind immediately ran to that
142:07 reason, my mind immediately ran to that night on the beach two summers ago. The
142:10 night on the beach two summers ago. The night that was now permanently hardwired
142:12 night that was now permanently hardwired in my brain, the same way breathing and
142:13 in my brain, the same way breathing and talking were. I could still feel that
142:16 talking were. I could still feel that night in my bones. I swear to God. It
142:19 night in my bones. I swear to God. It was 2 days after we arrived in LA, and
142:21 was 2 days after we arrived in LA, and we'd been so geeked out about living in
142:23 we'd been so geeked out about living in California that we grabbed a blanket,
142:25 California that we grabbed a blanket, found a beach where we could make a
142:27 found a beach where we could make a fire, and spent hours there that night,
142:29 fire, and spent hours there that night, doing nothing but being together on the
142:30 doing nothing but being together on the sand. I could still see the glow of the
142:33 sand. I could still see the glow of the fire reflected in her eyes, and I could
142:35 fire reflected in her eyes, and I could almost hear the waves and the soft music
142:37 almost hear the waves and the soft music coming from her Bluetooth speaker. I
142:40 coming from her Bluetooth speaker. I remember thinking I had you. She was
142:42 remember thinking I had you. She was cool, I said. And she definitely wasn't
142:45 cool, I said. And she definitely wasn't always a little kid when I knew her.
142:48 always a little kid when I knew her. Isn't that right, Truck Nuts? Mickey
142:50 Isn't that right, Truck Nuts? Mickey yelled around a laugh. What's that? Wade
142:53 yelled around a laugh. What's that? Wade yelled back from the other side of the
142:55 yelled back from the other side of the room. I was telling Bennett here that
142:57 room. I was telling Bennett here that Liz is my hero. Wonderful. I was
143:00 Liz is my hero. Wonderful. I was positive Liz was looking our way, and
143:02 positive Liz was looking our way, and her clerk surely was, too. But I was
143:05 her clerk surely was, too. But I was keeping my head down and pretending I
143:06 keeping my head down and pretending I had no idea what was going on outside my
143:08 had no idea what was going on outside my laptop. WDE said, "Just because our girl
143:12 laptop. WDE said, "Just because our girl gave me a garbage nickname doesn't mean
143:14 gave me a garbage nickname doesn't mean she's a hero." Says you. I heard Liz
143:17 she's a hero." Says you. I heard Liz mumble as she kept filming. "Yeah, says
143:20 mumble as she kept filming. "Yeah, says you," Mickey said, grinning. He leaned
143:23 you," Mickey said, grinning. He leaned closer to me and said quietly. He tried
143:25 closer to me and said quietly. He tried hitting on her last year. And she said
143:27 hitting on her last year. And she said he was the human embodiment of plastic
143:29 he was the human embodiment of plastic truck nuts. Obnoxious and tryhard is
143:32 truck nuts. Obnoxious and tryhard is what she called him. "He didn't get
143:34 what she called him. "He didn't get mad?" I asked, my voice almost a
143:37 mad?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper, trying to imagine Liz saying
143:39 whisper, trying to imagine Liz saying something so ballsy. It seemed way too
143:41 something so ballsy. It seemed way too bold for her. How could he when it was
143:44 bold for her. How could he when it was her saying it? What do you mean? Because
143:46 her saying it? What do you mean? Because she's usually so sweet? I asked, my lips
143:50 she's usually so sweet? I asked, my lips barely moving because I didn't want her
143:51 barely moving because I didn't want her to think I was talking about her. No, he
143:54 to think I was talking about her. No, he said, squinting like that was
143:56 said, squinting like that was ridiculous. It was pretty on brand for
143:58 ridiculous. It was pretty on brand for her, honestly. Which was why he couldn't
144:01 her, honestly. Which was why he couldn't be mad. She's like one of the guys. It'd
144:04 be mad. She's like one of the guys. It'd be like you saying it to him. Like one
144:07 be like you saying it to him. Like one of the guys. I could tell he didn't mean
144:09 of the guys. I could tell he didn't mean it in a sexist, not like other girls
144:12 it in a sexist, not like other girls way, but like he legitimately considered
144:14 way, but like he legitimately considered her just some dude he knew. "But Liz was
144:17 her just some dude he knew. "But Liz was not capable of being one of the guys,
144:20 not capable of being one of the guys, was she?" "You're telling me that a girl
144:23 was she?" "You're telling me that a girl who looks like that," I said, even
144:25 who looks like that," I said, even quieter than before, is thought of as
144:27 quieter than before, is thought of as one of the guys. He shrugged. "She
144:31 one of the guys. He shrugged. "She doesn't date, doesn't take any crap, is
144:34 doesn't date, doesn't take any crap, is hilarious, and she's great at what she
144:36 hilarious, and she's great at what she does. She's dating Clark, remember? I
144:40 does. She's dating Clark, remember? I still can't believe that. He screwed his
144:42 still can't believe that. He screwed his face together like he didn't get it. So,
144:44 face together like he didn't get it. So, I guess she didn't date until now. I did
144:47 I guess she didn't date until now. I did glance over then, and Clark was standing
144:49 glance over then, and Clark was standing next to her, saying something that was
144:51 next to her, saying something that was making her smile. The smile that I
144:53 making her smile. The smile that I hadn't seen in so long. Her undiluted
144:56 hadn't seen in so long. Her undiluted happy smile. God, that smile. I stared,
145:00 happy smile. God, that smile. I stared, frozen, just memorizing the curve of her
145:03 frozen, just memorizing the curve of her mouth. I felt more than jealousy as she
145:05 mouth. I felt more than jealousy as she gifted him that grin. I felt hungry,
145:08 gifted him that grin. I felt hungry, desperate, like he was getting a lavish
145:11 desperate, like he was getting a lavish buffet of something I was starving for,
145:13 buffet of something I was starving for, like he was rolling around in piles of
145:15 like he was rolling around in piles of money while I begged for pennies, like
145:17 money while I begged for pennies, like he'd won the lottery and was making me
145:19 he'd won the lottery and was making me watch him claim the prize. Her eyes
145:22 watch him claim the prize. Her eyes shifted, found mine. [ __ ] I winked.
145:27 shifted, found mine. [ __ ] I winked. What the hell are you doing, you tool?
145:29 What the hell are you doing, you tool? And attempted to go back to studying.
145:32 And attempted to go back to studying. Waters," Mickey said, his voice freaking
145:34 Waters," Mickey said, his voice freaking loud. "How'd you get Bxie to go out with
145:37 loud. "How'd you get Bxie to go out with you?" Every head in the study hall
145:39 you?" Every head in the study hall turned in their direction. "Are you
145:42 turned in their direction. "Are you kidding me?" I heard Eli say from the
145:44 kidding me?" I heard Eli say from the other side of the room. "Bucks and the
145:46 other side of the room. "Bucks and the Giant?" Liz blinked fast, those green
145:49 Giant?" Liz blinked fast, those green eyes looking guilty as her cheeks got
145:51 eyes looking guilty as her cheeks got instantly pink. Clark, on the other
145:53 instantly pink. Clark, on the other hand, smiled proudly and put his arm
145:55 hand, smiled proudly and put his arm around Liz. Yes, we're talking, but
145:58 around Liz. Yes, we're talking, but kindly mind your own business, okay? I
146:01 kindly mind your own business, okay? I hate him. I don't care that he's nice. I
146:04 hate him. I don't care that he's nice. I [ __ ] hate him. Also, why did he have
146:07 [ __ ] hate him. Also, why did he have to hang all over her like that with his
146:09 to hang all over her like that with his giant ape arms? Give the girls some
146:11 giant ape arms? Give the girls some breathing room. She couldn't like it. I
146:15 breathing room. She couldn't like it. I mean, who would want the weight of that
146:16 mean, who would want the weight of that ridiculous arm on their shoulders.
146:19 ridiculous arm on their shoulders. How long has this been going on? Eli
146:21 How long has this been going on? Eli asked undeterred. Bxy. It's new, Liz
146:26 asked undeterred. Bxy. It's new, Liz said, shrugging. Now, shut up so I can
146:28 said, shrugging. Now, shut up so I can take pictures of you geniuses studying.
146:30 take pictures of you geniuses studying. Okay. I used my fingerprint to unlock my
146:33 Okay. I used my fingerprint to unlock my Mac and clicked into email, trying to
146:35 Mac and clicked into email, trying to get control over the way my gut felt
146:37 get control over the way my gut felt when that Neanderthal started laughing
146:39 when that Neanderthal started laughing like everything was hilarious.
146:41 like everything was hilarious. I needed to be studying, not creepily
146:43 I needed to be studying, not creepily watching Liz as she smiled at someone.
146:46 watching Liz as she smiled at someone. Focus, you jackass.
146:49 Focus, you jackass. I was looking for the email from my
146:50 I was looking for the email from my speech professor about our group
146:52 speech professor about our group project, but the first message I saw was
146:54 project, but the first message I saw was from someone named Lilith Grossman, and
146:56 from someone named Lilith Grossman, and the subject was interview. I had no idea
146:59 the subject was interview. I had no idea who that was, but when I opened it, I
147:01 who that was, but when I opened it, I found out quick. Anger filled my chest
147:04 found out quick. Anger filled my chest as I read the message.
147:06 as I read the message. From Lilith Grossman, LG Grossman.com.
147:12 From Lilith Grossman, LG Grossman.com. Date September 29 at 4:53 p.m. Subject
147:16 Date September 29 at 4:53 p.m. Subject interview. Two, W. Bennett at
147:20 interview. Two, W. Bennett at athletics.ucla.net.
147:25 Hi, Wes. As you know, the production department will be creating a content
147:27 department will be creating a content series for the baseball program. I
147:29 series for the baseball program. I believe the coaching staff notified the
147:31 believe the coaching staff notified the team of my staff's all access pass to
147:33 team of my staff's all access pass to all things baseball, and this will also
147:36 all things baseball, and this will also include player interviews for a meet the
147:38 include player interviews for a meet the team segment, which we will begin
147:40 team segment, which we will begin scheduling in the next week. I wanted to
147:42 scheduling in the next week. I wanted to reach out to you personally because, as
147:44 reach out to you personally because, as I'm sure you're aware, the fans are very
147:46 I'm sure you're aware, the fans are very excited to have you at UCLA. Not only
147:49 excited to have you at UCLA. Not only are you an amazing athlete with a
147:51 are you an amazing athlete with a promising career, but your story is one
147:53 promising career, but your story is one that makes people root for you. Please
147:56 that makes people root for you. Please let your coaches know your availability.
147:58 let your coaches know your availability. We're excited to chat with you, and I
148:00 We're excited to chat with you, and I can't wait to dive into this and create
148:01 can't wait to dive into this and create a really beautiful story about life,
148:04 a really beautiful story about life, loss, and carrying on. Best, Lilith
148:08 loss, and carrying on. Best, Lilith Grossman, creative content producer.
148:12 Grossman, creative content producer. I felt like I'd been punched in the
148:14 I felt like I'd been punched in the chest as I read it again. life loss and
148:17 chest as I read it again. life loss and carrying on. Was this Lilith person
148:20 carrying on. Was this Lilith person serious? She wanted me to dive into my
148:23 serious? She wanted me to dive into my really beautiful story. I wanted to rage
148:26 really beautiful story. I wanted to rage as I stared at my computer screen. I
148:29 as I stared at my computer screen. I could accept the privacy invasion for
148:30 could accept the privacy invasion for something that the entire team was being
148:32 something that the entire team was being subjected to. But if she thought I was
148:34 subjected to. But if she thought I was going to include my dad's death in my
148:36 going to include my dad's death in my intro to bump up her ratings, she had
148:38 intro to bump up her ratings, she had another thing coming. The nerve of this
148:41 another thing coming. The nerve of this stranger. Screw that, I said under my
148:44 stranger. Screw that, I said under my breath. Huh? Mickey said, not looking up
148:47 breath. Huh? Mickey said, not looking up from whatever he was working on. I
148:49 from whatever he was working on. I gritted my teeth and tried to calm down
148:52 gritted my teeth and tried to calm down to not be pissed. But I was just so
148:54 to not be pissed. But I was just so tired. Everyone wanted to romanticize my
148:57 tired. Everyone wanted to romanticize my story, to act like it was this charming
148:59 story, to act like it was this charming story arc that went something like, "Boy
149:02 story arc that went something like, "Boy has everything and loses it. Boy works
149:04 has everything and loses it. Boy works hard. Boy gets it all back. The end."
149:08 hard. Boy gets it all back. The end." But the reality was more like, "Boy does
149:11 But the reality was more like, "Boy does something that causes his family to lose
149:13 something that causes his family to lose everything. Boy destroys girl in the
149:15 everything. Boy destroys girl in the process. Boy goes home because he has no
149:18 process. Boy goes home because he has no other choice. Boy hits rock bottom. Boy
149:21 other choice. Boy hits rock bottom. Boy works his ass off. Boy gets back. But
149:24 works his ass off. Boy gets back. But now can he stay back? That question was
149:27 now can he stay back? That question was the stuff of my nightmares. What if I
149:29 the stuff of my nightmares. What if I get injured? What if my arm goes out and
149:32 get injured? What if my arm goes out and I lose my scholarship before I finish
149:33 I lose my scholarship before I finish school? D1 sports were cutthroat. I'd
149:37 school? D1 sports were cutthroat. I'd learned that firsthand. If I tanked and
149:39 learned that firsthand. If I tanked and a better pitcher was available, they
149:41 a better pitcher was available, they wouldn't think twice about telling me
149:43 wouldn't think twice about telling me not to return next year. The coaches
149:45 not to return next year. The coaches pretended we were all one big happy
149:47 pretended we were all one big happy family, but I'd lose my spot so damn
149:49 family, but I'd lose my spot so damn fast if I didn't perform.
149:52 fast if I didn't perform. Nothing. I clicked into the search
149:54 Nothing. I clicked into the search window and typed in my professor's name.
149:56 window and typed in my professor's name. The athletic department might require
149:58 The athletic department might require the team to let Liz and her boyfriend
149:59 the team to let Liz and her boyfriend film everything, but there was no way in
150:02 film everything, but there was no way in hell they were going to force me to talk
150:03 hell they were going to force me to talk about everything that happened with my
150:05 about everything that happened with my father.
150:13 Chapter 12. Not that you're not attractive, it's
150:15 Not that you're not attractive, it's just that maybe you're not that
150:17 just that maybe you're not that attractive to me. Holiday
150:21 attractive to me. Holiday Liz.
150:26 The federal statute of limitations for music copyright infringement is 3 years,
150:29 music copyright infringement is 3 years, but there is a circuit split on whether
150:31 but there is a circuit split on whether discovery is taken into consideration
150:34 discovery is taken into consideration when the plaintiff becomes aware or
150:36 when the plaintiff becomes aware or reasonably should have become aware of
150:38 reasonably should have become aware of the infringement.
150:40 the infringement. I was trying to read my notes about
150:42 I was trying to read my notes about Arnstein versus Porter at one of the
150:44 Arnstein versus Porter at one of the tables in the library, but my eyes
150:46 tables in the library, but my eyes didn't want to stay open.
150:49 didn't want to stay open. It was dark outside, raining, and the
150:52 It was dark outside, raining, and the building was pretty empty, which was
150:53 building was pretty empty, which was exactly what I needed for concentration,
150:56 exactly what I needed for concentration, but didn't exactly help my tiredness.
150:59 but didn't exactly help my tiredness. We'd been embedded for a full week now.
151:02 We'd been embedded for a full week now. Clark was all in on being my partner,
151:05 Clark was all in on being my partner, and tonight he was covering baseball
151:07 and tonight he was covering baseball study hall by himself, so I could get
151:09 study hall by himself, so I could get some actual studying done.
151:12 some actual studying done. Ironically, the study halls that forced
151:14 Ironically, the study halls that forced the players to keep up with their
151:15 the players to keep up with their coursework were taking up every minute
151:18 coursework were taking up every minute of my study time, making me fall behind
151:21 of my study time, making me fall behind already. I had a test in the morning
151:23 already. I had a test in the morning over text I'd yet to read, which was
151:26 over text I'd yet to read, which was never good. I grabbed my Red Bull
151:30 never good. I grabbed my Red Bull because it was 8:30, but felt like 2:00
151:32 because it was 8:30, but felt like 2:00 a.m. and I was taking a drink when I saw
151:35 a.m. and I was taking a drink when I saw him.
151:37 him. was
151:39 was immediately Everywhere by Nile Horn
151:42 immediately Everywhere by Nile Horn queued up in my brain because it was the
151:45 queued up in my brain because it was the only song I could possibly assign to
151:46 only song I could possibly assign to this moment.
151:48 this moment. Feels like every time I turn a corner,
151:50 Feels like every time I turn a corner, you're standing right there
151:53 you're standing right there because kill me now, Wes was studying at
151:56 because kill me now, Wes was studying at a table over by the windows.
151:59 a table over by the windows. What the hell is he doing here?
152:02 What the hell is he doing here? I liked studying in the music library as
152:05 I liked studying in the music library as opposed to Powell because it was small
152:07 opposed to Powell because it was small and quiet and lacking in people who
152:09 and quiet and lacking in people who might distract me. But why would he be
152:12 might distract me. But why would he be there? He wasn't a music student and I
152:15 there? He wasn't a music student and I was pretty sure he was a South Campus
152:16 was pretty sure he was a South Campus guy if he was still going for
152:18 guy if he was still going for engineering.
152:20 engineering. In addition to that, I knew he was a
152:22 In addition to that, I knew he was a freshman. So, how had he even stumbled
152:25 freshman. So, how had he even stumbled upon this spot?
152:27 upon this spot? He had on glasses. He only wore those
152:30 He had on glasses. He only wore those when his eyes got tired and his blue
152:33 when his eyes got tired and his blue baseball cap was on backward, making him
152:36 baseball cap was on backward, making him look
152:38 look so annoying because what were the odds?
152:41 so annoying because what were the odds? How long had he been there? I wanted to
152:44 How long had he been there? I wanted to scream because it was ridiculous. How
152:47 scream because it was ridiculous. How was it that he'd been entirely absent
152:50 was it that he'd been entirely absent from my life for almost 2 years and now
152:52 from my life for almost 2 years and now all of a sudden he was popping up every
152:55 all of a sudden he was popping up every time I went anywhere?
152:57 time I went anywhere? And shouldn't he be at the baseball
152:58 And shouldn't he be at the baseball study hall right now?
153:01 study hall right now? He was looking in my general area, but
153:03 He was looking in my general area, but hopefully he hadn't noticed me because I
153:06 hopefully he hadn't noticed me because I still didn't know how to act around him.
153:09 still didn't know how to act around him. Clark was a champ and had been doing
153:12 Clark was a champ and had been doing most of the filming that was
153:13 most of the filming that was Westentered, so I hadn't had any
153:15 Westentered, so I hadn't had any one-on-one interactions with him since
153:17 one-on-one interactions with him since the day he tried running me down with
153:19 the day he tried running me down with his scooter. Thank God. But Lilith
153:23 his scooter. Thank God. But Lilith wanted me to help her with the intros
153:25 wanted me to help her with the intros next week. So I needed to begin the
153:27 next week. So I needed to begin the process of reaching out to the players
153:29 process of reaching out to the players to schedule our meetings. Players that
153:32 to schedule our meetings. Players that included sigh that guy over there in the
153:36 included sigh that guy over there in the glasses.
153:38 glasses. When I wasn't near him, I was able to
153:40 When I wasn't near him, I was able to think very adulty about the whole thing.
153:43 think very adulty about the whole thing. Last night, I lay in bed thinking things
153:46 Last night, I lay in bed thinking things like, "It's been 2 years. That was a
153:49 like, "It's been 2 years. That was a long time ago." and he doesn't matter to
153:53 long time ago." and he doesn't matter to me anymore.
153:55 me anymore. We were in the past and he was simply
153:57 We were in the past and he was simply someone I used to know.
154:00 someone I used to know. But for some reason, the second he
154:02 But for some reason, the second he appeared in a room, those thoughts left
154:05 appeared in a room, those thoughts left my head. They disappeared. And all I was
154:08 my head. They disappeared. And all I was left with was the confusing way it felt
154:11 left with was the confusing way it felt like I still hated him.
154:13 like I still hated him. I didn't care anymore. So why did his
154:18 I didn't care anymore. So why did his face make me want to hurt him?
154:20 face make me want to hurt him? It could have something to do with the
154:22 It could have something to do with the cocky expression he's always wearing.
154:25 cocky expression he's always wearing. I mean, yes, it had been years and we
154:27 I mean, yes, it had been years and we were both over the mess of us, but
154:30 were both over the mess of us, but shouldn't he at least look like he felt
154:33 shouldn't he at least look like he felt the tiniest bit guilty when we ran into
154:35 the tiniest bit guilty when we ran into each other?
154:37 each other? I went back to staring at my book,
154:39 I went back to staring at my book, hoping he'd disappear while I read the
154:41 hoping he'd disappear while I read the text,
154:43 text, but I read one paragraph before I heard,
154:46 but I read one paragraph before I heard, >> "I know you saw me.
154:49 >> "I know you saw me. I glanced over and yes, he was talking
154:52 I glanced over and yes, he was talking to me. It would have been yelling
154:54 to me. It would have been yelling anywhere else, talking to someone from a
154:57 anywhere else, talking to someone from a few tables over, but in the nearly empty
155:00 few tables over, but in the nearly empty library, he wasn't even raising his
155:01 library, he wasn't even raising his voice.
155:04 voice. How come you aren't at the study hall? I
155:06 How come you aren't at the study hall? I asked, my eyes going back to the book.
155:09 asked, my eyes going back to the book. Don't look at his face. His glasses were
155:12 Don't look at his face. His glasses were like Medusa's snakes, capable of turning
155:15 like Medusa's snakes, capable of turning my already stone heart into something
155:17 my already stone heart into something squishy or something [ __ ]
155:23 squishy or something [ __ ] I needed a break from all the
155:24 I needed a break from all the togetherness.
155:26 togetherness. I heard him clear his throat before he
155:28 I heard him clear his throat before he asked, "How come you aren't?" "It's none
155:32 asked, "How come you aren't?" "It's none of your business," was what I felt like
155:35 of your business," was what I felt like screaming.
155:36 screaming. But I politely said
155:40 But I politely said I needed to study. Clark's there.
155:44 I needed to study. Clark's there. Ah, yes, of course, he said, his voice
155:49 Ah, yes, of course, he said, his voice thick with sarcasm as I heard him close
155:52 thick with sarcasm as I heard him close his book.
155:53 his book. Your boyfriend Clark.
155:57 Your boyfriend Clark. I rolled my eyes and kept reading, not
156:00 I rolled my eyes and kept reading, not wanting to do this or anything. I just
156:04 wanting to do this or anything. I just wanted him to disappear.
156:06 wanted him to disappear. You said it's new, right? He asked. You
156:10 You said it's new, right? He asked. You and Clark are new.
156:13 and Clark are new. I sighed and kept my eyes on the page.
156:17 I sighed and kept my eyes on the page. Yes.
156:19 Yes. How new are we talking a couple days?
156:24 How new are we talking a couple days? Couple weeks.
156:26 Couple weeks. His voice trailed off as if he expected
156:29 His voice trailed off as if he expected me to jump in and answer.
156:32 me to jump in and answer. And I was not prepared to do that.
156:35 And I was not prepared to do that. Partially because he didn't deserve to
156:37 Partially because he didn't deserve to know anything about my life. The dick.
156:40 know anything about my life. The dick. And partially because I had no freaking
156:42 And partially because I had no freaking idea how long my fake boyfriend and I
156:44 idea how long my fake boyfriend and I were supposed to have been fake dating.
156:51 I'm not doing this, I said, raising my eyes and glancing his way. I need to
156:54 eyes and glancing his way. I need to study.
156:56 study. God, those glasses.
156:59 God, those glasses. Yeah, he said slow nodding as he put his
157:04 Yeah, he said slow nodding as he put his book in his backpack and zipped it up.
157:08 book in his backpack and zipped it up. So, you should maybe just answer
157:09 So, you should maybe just answer quickly.
157:10 quickly. How new?
157:12 How new? No, I snapped.
157:15 No, I snapped. How did he think he had any right to ask
157:17 How did he think he had any right to ask any question about my life?
157:20 any question about my life? My love life is none of your business.
157:24 My love life is none of your business. Oh, love life? he asked, narrowing his
157:28 Oh, love life? he asked, narrowing his eyes as his mouth got that old familiar
157:31 eyes as his mouth got that old familiar teasing smirk. He slung his backpack
157:34 teasing smirk. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and said,
157:37 over his shoulder and said, "You consider him love life material."
157:40 "You consider him love life material." I closed my book and shoved it into my
157:43 I closed my book and shoved it into my bag, stood because I needed to get out
157:46 bag, stood because I needed to get out of there.
157:48 of there. I'm going to go study. Have a great
157:50 I'm going to go study. Have a great night.
157:52 night. I grabbed my backpack and took one step
157:54 I grabbed my backpack and took one step before he ran over and grabbed my arm.
157:57 before he ran over and grabbed my arm. Wait, Liz, I'm sorry.
158:01 Wait, Liz, I'm sorry. I couldn't take a deep breath as he
158:02 I couldn't take a deep breath as he looked down at me. So close as his
158:06 looked down at me. So close as his fingers burned their impressions into
158:07 fingers burned their impressions into the skin he was touching.
158:10 the skin he was touching. He smelled the same. How does he smell
158:13 He smelled the same. How does he smell the same? And my heart started racing.
158:17 the same? And my heart started racing. Dark eyes slid over my face, making me
158:21 Dark eyes slid over my face, making me feel weak.
158:23 feel weak. Weak. Too weak. Oh god.
158:27 Weak. Too weak. Oh god. Before he said in a deep, quiet voice,
158:30 Before he said in a deep, quiet voice, "It's none of my business,
158:33 "It's none of my business, and I didn't mean to be an asshole."
158:36 and I didn't mean to be an asshole." I breathed in through my nose, hating
158:39 I breathed in through my nose, hating the way my heart raced as I smelled the
158:42 the way my heart raced as I smelled the Altoids on his breath.
158:44 Altoids on his breath. Okay,
158:46 Okay, you ready, Lizard?
158:48 you ready, Lizard? I gasped, jerked out of the moment by
158:51 I gasped, jerked out of the moment by Clark, who had somehow appeared out of
158:53 Clark, who had somehow appeared out of thin air.
158:55 thin air. "Yes," I said, hating the way my voice
158:59 "Yes," I said, hating the way my voice wavered as Wes dropped his hand, and I
159:02 wavered as Wes dropped his hand, and I stepped away from him and closer to
159:04 stepped away from him and closer to Clark.
159:05 Clark. Ross was pissed you skipped study hall,
159:07 Ross was pissed you skipped study hall, bro. Clark said, grinning at Wes like
159:11 bro. Clark said, grinning at Wes like they were besties as water literally
159:14 they were besties as water literally dripped from his long hair.
159:16 dripped from his long hair. He was all, "Where the hell is Bennett?"
159:20 He was all, "Where the hell is Bennett?" I texted him. "We're good," Wes said. A
159:25 I texted him. "We're good," Wes said. A crease forming between his eyebrows.
159:27 crease forming between his eyebrows. "That's great news because now that
159:30 "That's great news because now that we're on your jock 24/7, I don't want
159:32 we're on your jock 24/7, I don't want you to get suspended and ruin the fun.
159:35 you to get suspended and ruin the fun. Ever since I'd told him that it was fine
159:38 Ever since I'd told him that it was fine for him to like Wes, that it wouldn't
159:40 for him to like Wes, that it wouldn't bother me in the least if he fanboyed
159:42 bother me in the least if he fanboyed over my ex, as long as he kept up our
159:44 over my ex, as long as he kept up our charade, because I was totally over him.
159:49 charade, because I was totally over him. Clark was an absolute goof. His baseball
159:53 Clark was an absolute goof. His baseball obsession made him behave like an
159:55 obsession made him behave like an adolescent super fan. "Are you going to
159:58 adolescent super fan. "Are you going to In-N-Out?"
159:59 In-N-Out?" "What?"
160:01 "What?" Wes asked, looking from Clark to me as
160:04 Wes asked, looking from Clark to me as if he was confused.
160:06 if he was confused. I imagine it seemed a little bonkers
160:08 I imagine it seemed a little bonkers that my boyfriend was a Westan and not
160:11 that my boyfriend was a Westan and not the least bit jealous of our past.
160:14 the least bit jealous of our past. But then our eyes met and held for a
160:16 But then our eyes met and held for a second. And I wondered if Wes was
160:19 second. And I wondered if Wes was remembering how we once called the
160:21 remembering how we once called the In-N-Out closest to campus our In-N-Out.
160:26 In-N-Out closest to campus our In-N-Out. Doubtful, I thought, turning my gaze
160:29 Doubtful, I thought, turning my gaze toward Clark.
160:32 toward Clark. Some of the guys are going to get food,
160:34 Some of the guys are going to get food, he explained. So, I was going to grab
160:37 he explained. So, I was going to grab Liz and head that way since I drove
160:39 Liz and head that way since I drove here. You can catch a ride with us. No,
160:43 here. You can catch a ride with us. No, no,
160:45 no, I said I kind of wanted to go home now.
160:49 I said I kind of wanted to go home now. So, maybe you want me to drop you off?
160:53 So, maybe you want me to drop you off? Clark asked, totally missing my attempt
160:56 Clark asked, totally missing my attempt for us to ditch Wes.
160:59 for us to ditch Wes. "Yeah, if you're too tired, you should
161:01 "Yeah, if you're too tired, you should absolutely go home." Wes said, nodding
161:04 absolutely go home." Wes said, nodding and looking like he definitely didn't
161:07 and looking like he definitely didn't want me to go.
161:09 want me to go. He seemed downright smug when he said,
161:12 He seemed downright smug when he said, "It's just burgers and fries, Bugs Bomb.
161:15 "It's just burgers and fries, Bugs Bomb. You won't miss any exciting moments."
161:18 You won't miss any exciting moments." You'd like that, wouldn't you? Actually,
161:21 You'd like that, wouldn't you? Actually, I am a little hungry, I said. Not at all
161:25 I am a little hungry, I said. Not at all interested in going, but very definitely
161:28 interested in going, but very definitely interested in not letting Wes Bennett
161:30 interested in not letting Wes Bennett dictate what I was doing. I lifted my
161:33 dictate what I was doing. I lifted my chin and said, "I guess we could go for
161:36 chin and said, "I guess we could go for a little bit." Awesome,"
161:38 a little bit." Awesome," Clark said, beaming, oblivious to the
161:41 Clark said, beaming, oblivious to the way Wes smirked at me like he knew what
161:43 way Wes smirked at me like he knew what I was thinking and the way I glared back
161:46 I was thinking and the way I glared back at him like I was trying to make him
161:48 at him like I was trying to make him spontaneously combust with the heat of
161:50 spontaneously combust with the heat of my hatred.
161:51 my hatred. "Let's go, kids."
161:54 "Let's go, kids." As he turned and headed for the door
161:56 As he turned and headed for the door without waiting for me, obviously
161:58 without waiting for me, obviously forgetting I was his fake girlfriend,
162:01 forgetting I was his fake girlfriend, I made the mistake of glancing at Wes,
162:04 I made the mistake of glancing at Wes, who was looking at me with a wow, nice
162:07 who was looking at me with a wow, nice boyfriend half smile on his face that
162:09 boyfriend half smile on his face that made me want to elbow him. "I can't
162:13 made me want to elbow him. "I can't believe you're getting the truck so I
162:14 believe you're getting the truck so I don't have to walk through the rain,
162:15 don't have to walk through the rain, hun," I said in a sweet voice, trying to
162:19 hun," I said in a sweet voice, trying to imply that my boyfriend did thoughtful
162:21 imply that my boyfriend did thoughtful things like this for me all the time.
162:23 things like this for me all the time. Thank you.
162:25 Thank you. I swear to God, I heard Wes mockingly
162:28 I swear to God, I heard Wes mockingly mutter. Hun. Just before Clark stopped
162:32 mutter. Hun. Just before Clark stopped and turned around.
162:34 and turned around. He was the worst actor because I watched
162:37 He was the worst actor because I watched confusion cross his face
162:40 confusion cross his face before a bell went off in his brain and
162:42 before a bell went off in his brain and he nodded.
162:44 he nodded. Of course, baby girl.
162:48 Of course, baby girl. Baby girl. Ew.
162:51 Baby girl. Ew. Such a gross pet name. One I was
162:54 Such a gross pet name. One I was positive Wes would be laughing at if I
162:56 positive Wes would be laughing at if I were to look at him. Don't look at him.
162:59 were to look at him. Don't look at him. I inhaled through my nose and calmly
163:01 I inhaled through my nose and calmly said. I love the way you're so
163:04 said. I love the way you're so thoughtful. I'll just wait at the door
163:06 thoughtful. I'll just wait at the door while you go get the truck.
163:08 while you go get the truck. Yeah, me too. Wes said. That made my
163:12 Yeah, me too. Wes said. That made my head whip toward him in shock. What?
163:17 head whip toward him in shock. What? He shrugged and looked positively
163:19 He shrugged and looked positively pleased with himself.
163:21 pleased with himself. I forgot my umbrella. "You're good,
163:24 I forgot my umbrella. "You're good, Bennett. No need for more than one
163:26 Bennett. No need for more than one person to get drenched," Clark said,
163:29 person to get drenched," Clark said, pushing open the door. "I'll be right
163:31 pushing open the door. "I'll be right back, guys."
163:33 back, guys." I clutched the shoulder strap of my
163:35 I clutched the shoulder strap of my backpack and stared straight ahead,
163:38 backpack and stared straight ahead, looking out at the rain while wishing
163:40 looking out at the rain while wishing the guy to my right would disappear.
163:43 the guy to my right would disappear. This is unbelievable.
163:46 This is unbelievable. What were the odds he wouldn't talk? Was
163:49 What were the odds he wouldn't talk? Was there a shot that he'd just stand there
163:50 there a shot that he'd just stand there and look at his phone like a normal
163:52 and look at his phone like a normal human whose presence wasn't welcome?
163:55 human whose presence wasn't welcome? >> So, does he know about us?
163:57 >> So, does he know about us? >> Yeah, I didn't think so. I sighed and
164:01 >> Yeah, I didn't think so. I sighed and tilted my head, trying to crack my very
164:05 tilted my head, trying to crack my very tense neck. I didn't want to look at
164:08 tense neck. I didn't want to look at him, so I kept my eyes on the door when
164:10 him, so I kept my eyes on the door when I said, "What
164:13 I said, "What the big guy from your love life out
164:16 the big guy from your love life out there?" he said with mockery in his
164:19 there?" he said with mockery in his voice.
164:21 voice. Does he know about our past?
164:24 Does he know about our past? I did look at him then. And I don't know
164:27 I did look at him then. And I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't
164:29 what I expected, but it wasn't sincerity.
164:32 sincerity. Yet there he stood in those damn glasses
164:35 Yet there he stood in those damn glasses and his blue Bruins baseball cap,
164:38 and his blue Bruins baseball cap, looking at me like he was genuinely
164:40 looking at me like he was genuinely curious as to whether or not Clark knew
164:42 curious as to whether or not Clark knew about our relationship. Of course he
164:45 about our relationship. Of course he does," I said breezily,
164:48 does," I said breezily, not really knowing what I was going for
164:50 not really knowing what I was going for when I added, "I tell him everything. He
164:54 when I added, "I tell him everything. He absolutely knows that we dated for a few
164:56 absolutely knows that we dated for a few months in high school."
164:58 months in high school." His face lost its softness, his mouth
165:02 His face lost its softness, his mouth flattening into a serious line as his
165:04 flattening into a serious line as his jaw flexed.
165:06 jaw flexed. "Is that seriously how you think of it?"
165:10 "Is that seriously how you think of it?" For a second, it all came back. I stared
165:13 For a second, it all came back. I stared at his face and felt faint as everything
165:16 at his face and felt faint as everything that had ever happened between us rushed
165:18 that had ever happened between us rushed at me. Ketchup hearts and raindrop
165:21 at me. Ketchup hearts and raindrop kisses,
165:22 kisses, Gracie Abrams and tear soaked goodbyes.
165:26 Gracie Abrams and tear soaked goodbyes. Noah con on repeat for months.
165:30 Noah con on repeat for months. My breath was stuck in my chest as the
165:32 My breath was stuck in my chest as the past hit me like a wave.
165:35 past hit me like a wave. I don't think of it, I said, shrugging
165:39 I don't think of it, I said, shrugging and doing an incredible job of sounding
165:41 and doing an incredible job of sounding absolutely unaffected.
165:44 absolutely unaffected. Because I wasn't affected.
165:46 Because I wasn't affected. Damn it,
165:48 Damn it, I said.
165:50 I said. It's ancient history.
165:53 It's ancient history. His jaw flexed again, but his demeanor
165:56 His jaw flexed again, but his demeanor changed
165:58 changed like he had an idea. God help me. His
166:02 like he had an idea. God help me. His eyes got a teasing glint and he said,
166:05 eyes got a teasing glint and he said, "So it's totally water under the bridge
166:07 "So it's totally water under the bridge now." I saw the truck pulling up and
166:10 now." I saw the truck pulling up and said, "Why wouldn't it be? It's been
166:13 said, "Why wouldn't it be? It's been years."
166:15 years." "Well, that is excellent news,"
166:18 "Well, that is excellent news," I heard him say as I pushed open the
166:21 I heard him say as I pushed open the door.
166:22 door. I took a step outside, ready to be
166:24 I took a step outside, ready to be drenched by the rain. But the second I
166:27 drenched by the rain. But the second I exited the building, Wes's backpack was
166:29 exited the building, Wes's backpack was over my head.
166:31 over my head. I looked to my right and he was holding
166:33 I looked to my right and he was holding it over my hair with one hand, his eyes
166:36 it over my hair with one hand, his eyes in front of him like he wasn't even
166:37 in front of him like he wasn't even thinking about it. He was keeping me dry
166:40 thinking about it. He was keeping me dry on autopilot.
166:43 on autopilot. "Don't overthink it, Bucks bomb," he
166:45 "Don't overthink it, Bucks bomb," he said, still not looking at me while
166:48 said, still not looking at me while reading my mind. "I'd do it for anyone."
166:52 reading my mind. "I'd do it for anyone." I ignored that and my stupid fluttery
166:55 I ignored that and my stupid fluttery stomach as I pulled open the passenger
166:58 stomach as I pulled open the passenger door of Clark's old Dodge truck.
167:00 door of Clark's old Dodge truck. But as soon as I looked inside, I sighed
167:03 But as soon as I looked inside, I sighed yet again because his truck had a bench
167:06 yet again because his truck had a bench seat, which meant I'd be squished in the
167:08 seat, which meant I'd be squished in the middle of a Wesson Clark front seat
167:10 middle of a Wesson Clark front seat sandwich. I'd ridden in his vehicle many
167:13 sandwich. I'd ridden in his vehicle many times, but I'd never paid attention to
167:15 times, but I'd never paid attention to the logistics of the decades old Dodge.
167:18 the logistics of the decades old Dodge. "Until now."
167:21 "Until now." "Need a boost?" I heard from behind me.
167:25 "Need a boost?" I heard from behind me. No, thank you, I said through gritted
167:27 No, thank you, I said through gritted teeth as I climbed into the truck. I
167:30 teeth as I climbed into the truck. I scooched as close as I could get to
167:32 scooched as close as I could get to Clark without getting between him and
167:34 Clark without getting between him and the stick shift on the floor, but it
167:36 the stick shift on the floor, but it wasn't enough. When Wes's big body slid
167:39 wasn't enough. When Wes's big body slid in beside me, and he closed the door,
167:42 in beside me, and he closed the door, his thigh was touching mine.
167:45 his thigh was touching mine. His outer left was touching my outer
167:47 His outer left was touching my outer right, his soft Nike sweatpants touching
167:51 right, his soft Nike sweatpants touching my black leggings.
167:53 my black leggings. I could feel the heat of his leg through
167:55 I could feel the heat of his leg through the fabric. I swear to God, I looked
167:58 the fabric. I swear to God, I looked down and reached for the lap belt, very
168:00 down and reached for the lap belt, very aware of how close my fingers were to
168:02 aware of how close my fingers were to his waist. Not only that, but his
168:05 his waist. Not only that, but his lowered head while he buckled his seat
168:07 lowered head while he buckled his seat belt had our faces way too close
168:10 belt had our faces way too close together. Altoids
168:13 together. Altoids had his hands very nearly touching my
168:15 had his hands very nearly touching my waist as he clicked his buckle into
168:17 waist as he clicked his buckle into place. I almost headbutted him in my
168:20 place. I almost headbutted him in my jerking attempt to back away from him.
168:23 jerking attempt to back away from him. He gave me a little smile and I knew I
168:26 He gave me a little smile and I knew I looked like a skittish animal, like one
168:28 looked like a skittish animal, like one of those cats overreacting to the
168:30 of those cats overreacting to the presence of a damn cucumber.
168:33 presence of a damn cucumber. I could see in those dark eyes that he
168:35 I could see in those dark eyes that he was fully aware of my internal chaos.
168:38 was fully aware of my internal chaos. Cool truck, he said, his deep voice
168:42 Cool truck, he said, his deep voice startling me. I was a freaking cat, dear
168:45 startling me. I was a freaking cat, dear Lord, in the quiet truck cab.
168:48 Lord, in the quiet truck cab. Thanks, man, Clark said, putting the
168:52 Thanks, man, Clark said, putting the truck in gear and letting out the
168:53 truck in gear and letting out the parking brake. It was speaking of cool,
168:57 parking brake. It was speaking of cool, Wes interrupted.
168:59 Wes interrupted. I looked away from him to stare at the
169:01 I looked away from him to stare at the back and forth of the windshield wipers.
169:03 back and forth of the windshield wipers. I couldn't look at him anymore. I think
169:06 I couldn't look at him anymore. I think it's really cool that you're cool about
169:08 it's really cool that you're cool about Liz and me, about our history.
169:12 Liz and me, about our history. My mouth fell open for a split second
169:15 My mouth fell open for a split second because I couldn't believe he was
169:17 because I couldn't believe he was bringing this up to the guy he thought
169:19 bringing this up to the guy he thought was my new boyfriend, but I quickly shut
169:22 was my new boyfriend, but I quickly shut it before he knew his [ __ ] had gotten
169:24 it before he knew his [ __ ] had gotten to me. I couldn't stop myself
169:27 to me. I couldn't stop myself [clears throat] from muttering. He just
169:29 [clears throat] from muttering. He just said cool three times in one sentence.
169:32 said cool three times in one sentence. "Cool,"
169:34 "Cool," he muttered back so quiet that I wasn't
169:37 he muttered back so quiet that I wasn't even sure he'd said it.
169:39 even sure he'd said it. "Why wouldn't I be?" Clark asked,
169:42 "Why wouldn't I be?" Clark asked, shrugging and leaning forward to turn up
169:44 shrugging and leaning forward to turn up the defroster. The windshield was
169:46 the defroster. The windshield was completely fogged over.
169:49 completely fogged over. I mean, if Liz says it's ancient
169:51 I mean, if Liz says it's ancient history, then I'm totally cool. Jesus
169:54 history, then I'm totally cool. Jesus Christ, it's going to be a minute. This
169:55 Christ, it's going to be a minute. This [ __ ] is impossible to see through.
169:59 [ __ ] is impossible to see through. Wes turned his body a little, so he was
170:01 Wes turned his body a little, so he was facing us just the tiniest degree, and
170:04 facing us just the tiniest degree, and he said, "It's cool.
170:08 he said, "It's cool. Stop saying cool.
170:11 Stop saying cool. I'm in no hurry," Wes went on to say.
170:14 I'm in no hurry," Wes went on to say. So, I'm cool with waiting it out.
170:17 So, I'm cool with waiting it out. The raindrops were loud on the truck
170:19 The raindrops were loud on the truck roof, and I felt completely and utterly
170:22 roof, and I felt completely and utterly trapped between Nike sweatpants, my
170:25 trapped between Nike sweatpants, my lies, and the past. I reached out and
170:28 lies, and the past. I reached out and cranked up the volume on the radio, so
170:30 cranked up the volume on the radio, so loud that conversation was impossible.
170:33 loud that conversation was impossible. And I swear to God, I heard Wes laugh,
170:37 And I swear to God, I heard Wes laugh, but I couldn't be sure.
170:43 Things didn't get any better when we got to the restaurant because as Clark stood
170:46 to the restaurant because as Clark stood beside the big table filming the guys
170:48 beside the big table filming the guys over there, mostly seniors, and laughing
170:50 over there, mostly seniors, and laughing at their antics, I was attempting to
170:53 at their antics, I was attempting to take quality stills and keep it together
170:55 take quality stills and keep it together in spite of the fact that the
170:56 in spite of the fact that the conversation at the smaller table turned
170:59 conversation at the smaller table turned toward me. The smaller table that
171:02 toward me. The smaller table that consisted of Wade, AJ, Mickey, Eli, and
171:06 consisted of Wade, AJ, Mickey, Eli, and Wes.
171:08 Wes. How bad was the hangover after your
171:09 How bad was the hangover after your party box? Mick asked, his mouth full of
171:13 party box? Mick asked, his mouth full of food. You were pretty slushed when we
171:15 food. You were pretty slushed when we left.
171:16 left. >> Shut up. I'm working, I said, pasting a
171:20 >> Shut up. I'm working, I said, pasting a smile onto my face as I kept taking
171:22 smile onto my face as I kept taking photos.
171:23 photos. The last thing I needed was for Wes to
171:25 The last thing I needed was for Wes to think that my drunkenness had anything
171:27 think that my drunkenness had anything to do with his appearance in my house.
171:30 to do with his appearance in my house. "Wait, Bucks Bound was hammered?" he
171:33 "Wait, Bucks Bound was hammered?" he asked, a smile in his voice. The little
171:37 asked, a smile in his voice. The little Liz I used to know was not a drinker.
171:40 Liz I used to know was not a drinker. Obviously, I'm no longer little Liz, I
171:43 Obviously, I'm no longer little Liz, I snapped, keeping my eyes on AJ through
171:46 snapped, keeping my eyes on AJ through the lens as I took photos of him shoving
171:48 the lens as I took photos of him shoving French fries into his mouth and grinning
171:50 French fries into his mouth and grinning like a child.
171:53 like a child. Obviously,
171:55 Obviously, wait. Agreed. Which made me flip him
171:57 wait. Agreed. Which made me flip him off.
171:59 off. And no one says hammeried here, Bennett,
172:01 And no one says hammeried here, Bennett, I added grumpily, sounding like a pouty
172:04 I added grumpily, sounding like a pouty child. But something about the stupid
172:07 child. But something about the stupid word everyone in our high school used to
172:09 word everyone in our high school used to use for partying irritated me. I'd been
172:12 use for partying irritated me. I'd been gone for years. Hadn't even returned for
172:14 gone for years. Hadn't even returned for breaks. So the last thing I wanted was
172:17 breaks. So the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of those silly little
172:18 to be reminded of those silly little Omaha details.
172:21 Omaha details. Why does he always make me revert to
172:23 Why does he always make me revert to little Liz? I'm going to start though.
172:26 little Liz? I'm going to start though. AJ said, "I like it. I'm going to get
172:30 AJ said, "I like it. I'm going to get [ __ ] hammeried next weekend. I was
172:33 [ __ ] hammeried next weekend. I was hammeried as [ __ ] last Friday.
172:36 hammeried as [ __ ] last Friday. Wade declared, grinning proudly.
172:39 Wade declared, grinning proudly. Mick was laughing when he opened his big
172:41 Mick was laughing when he opened his big mouth and shared. I don't know if I'd
172:44 mouth and shared. I don't know if I'd say she was hammeried, but she was
172:46 say she was hammeried, but she was screaming along to every word of
172:48 screaming along to every word of sabotage. It was very impressive.
172:51 sabotage. It was very impressive. Not doing this, I said, lowering to my
172:55 Not doing this, I said, lowering to my knees to get a shot from below the
172:56 knees to get a shot from below the table, thankful the camera was in front
172:58 table, thankful the camera was in front of my hot face. Because sabotage,
173:03 of my hot face. Because sabotage, there was no way Wes was missing that
173:05 there was no way Wes was missing that reference. Damn it. I loved that song my
173:09 reference. Damn it. I loved that song my senior year and used to crank it in
173:10 senior year and used to crank it in Wes's car all the time. We used to sing
173:13 Wes's car all the time. We used to sing yell along to every word with all the
173:16 yell along to every word with all the windows down.
173:18 windows down. So, yes, I'd been absolutely hammeried
173:20 So, yes, I'd been absolutely hammeried at my party while I'd screamed the
173:23 at my party while I'd screamed the lyrics in an attempt to exercise old
173:25 lyrics in an attempt to exercise old demons.
173:27 demons. >> I want to hear more about little Liz.
173:30 >> I want to hear more about little Liz. Eli said, taking off the lid to his cup
173:33 Eli said, taking off the lid to his cup before raising it to his mouth.
173:36 before raising it to his mouth. What was Buxy like in high school?
173:39 What was Buxy like in high school? I held my breath and waited, wanting to
173:42 I held my breath and waited, wanting to disappear.
173:44 disappear. I wished the floor would open up and
173:46 I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole as I waited for West
173:48 swallow me whole as I waited for West Bennett to mess with what I had here, to
173:51 Bennett to mess with what I had here, to poke his finger into the relationships
173:53 poke his finger into the relationships and reputation I'd built for myself in
173:55 and reputation I'd built for myself in California.
173:57 California. Liz was always," he said, pausing like
174:01 Liz was always," he said, pausing like he was searching for the right words.
174:04 he was searching for the right words. Since he was sitting beside Mick, I was
174:06 Since he was sitting beside Mick, I was able to see his face through my camera
174:08 able to see his face through my camera without him seeing me watching.
174:11 without him seeing me watching. And suddenly, my heart was in my throat
174:13 And suddenly, my heart was in my throat because he wasn't wearing the I live to
174:15 because he wasn't wearing the I live to mess with you expression anymore. His
174:18 mess with you expression anymore. His mouth was relaxed in a soft smile when
174:20 mouth was relaxed in a soft smile when he grabbed a fry and said, "Her own
174:23 he grabbed a fry and said, "Her own person.
174:25 person. She was that girl who didn't follow the
174:27 She was that girl who didn't follow the crowd unless they were going to the same
174:29 crowd unless they were going to the same place she was already planning to go.
174:32 place she was already planning to go. She did her own thing.
174:34 She did her own thing. Wade looked directly at me through the
174:37 Wade looked directly at me through the camera and teased. But she had braces
174:41 camera and teased. But she had braces and glasses, right? I bet Bucks rocked a
174:44 and glasses, right? I bet Bucks rocked a retainer in her yearbook photo.
174:47 retainer in her yearbook photo. >> I coughed out a little laugh.
174:49 >> I coughed out a little laugh. I only wore my retainer at night,
174:51 I only wore my retainer at night, [ __ ]
174:53 [ __ ] That made everyone laugh.
174:55 That made everyone laugh. But suddenly Wes's eyes were on mine.
174:59 But suddenly Wes's eyes were on mine. We were both smiling, remembering the
175:01 We were both smiling, remembering the night on our road trip when he'd
175:04 night on our road trip when he'd discovered I slept in a retainer. And my
175:06 discovered I slept in a retainer. And my throat felt impossibly tight. If she was
175:10 throat felt impossibly tight. If she was that cool, Eli said, "Then why'd she
175:15 that cool, Eli said, "Then why'd she date you, Bennett?"
175:17 date you, Bennett?" It felt like he was talking directly to
175:20 It felt like he was talking directly to me when he shrugged and said, "I have no
175:23 me when he shrugged and said, "I have no idea.
175:25 idea. Looks like they're done," AJ said,
175:28 Looks like they're done," AJ said, breaking the moment. And I was a little
175:30 breaking the moment. And I was a little shaky as I turned my camera to get shots
175:33 shaky as I turned my camera to get shots of the guys at the other table as they
175:35 of the guys at the other table as they stood and started cleaning up their
175:36 stood and started cleaning up their stuff.
175:38 stuff. Dinner was apparently over. Thank God.
175:42 Dinner was apparently over. Thank God. But hours later, when I was finally
175:45 But hours later, when I was finally miles away from Wes and in my comfy
175:47 miles away from Wes and in my comfy pajama pants, I was still frazzled. I'd
175:51 pajama pants, I was still frazzled. I'd been parked on the couch with my laptop
175:53 been parked on the couch with my laptop since getting home from In-N-Out,
175:55 since getting home from In-N-Out, working on a reel, and I was pretty sure
175:58 working on a reel, and I was pretty sure I was finally done. I hit play, watching
176:01 I was finally done. I hit play, watching it one final time.
176:04 it one final time. Frank Ocean was the perfect backdrop for
176:06 Frank Ocean was the perfect backdrop for the Bruins baseball week 2 piece. I
176:09 the Bruins baseball week 2 piece. I would never not be moved by Pink and
176:12 would never not be moved by Pink and White, and I knew it was good. As I
176:15 White, and I knew it was good. As I saved the file, Lilith was going to love
176:18 saved the file, Lilith was going to love it.
176:19 it. But how was it fair that I just spent
176:22 But how was it fair that I just spent hours hours mining film that had a good
176:25 hours hours mining film that had a good amount of West Bennett content in it?
176:28 amount of West Bennett content in it? Talk about torture.
176:30 Talk about torture. It was obscene that anyone should have
176:32 It was obscene that anyone should have to spend hundreds of minutes staring at
176:34 to spend hundreds of minutes staring at photos and videos of their ex-boyfriend
176:36 photos and videos of their ex-boyfriend looking hot, right? It was as if the
176:40 looking hot, right? It was as if the cosmos hated me and was like, "You know
176:42 cosmos hated me and was like, "You know what' be funny? Let's make her watch him
176:45 what' be funny? Let's make her watch him working out and wearing a baseball
176:47 working out and wearing a baseball uniform." Oh, and let's be sure she has
176:51 uniform." Oh, and let's be sure she has to stare at shots of him wearing his
176:53 to stare at shots of him wearing his glasses and studying, too. That [ __ ]
176:55 glasses and studying, too. That [ __ ] will kill her.
176:57 will kill her. I sent the file to Lilith and CCed
177:00 I sent the file to Lilith and CCed Clark. And then I shut down and went to
177:03 Clark. And then I shut down and went to bed.
177:05 bed. But sleep was elusive because what the
177:08 But sleep was elusive because what the hell, universe?
177:10 hell, universe? It just wasn't fair.
177:20 Chapter 13. How do you know when it's the right
177:21 How do you know when it's the right person? The summer turned pretty.
177:25 person? The summer turned pretty. Wes,
177:27 Wes, settle your ass down, Benny. Woody threw
177:30 settle your ass down, Benny. Woody threw back the ball and pulled down his face
177:32 back the ball and pulled down his face mask, dropped to his squat, and waited
177:34 mask, dropped to his squat, and waited for me to get my head out of my ass. I
177:36 for me to get my head out of my ass. I took a deep breath, trying to find calm.
177:40 took a deep breath, trying to find calm. I'm good," I said, desperate to convince
177:42 I'm good," I said, desperate to convince him, knowing the coaching staff valued
177:45 him, knowing the coaching staff valued his feedback on all things pitching. I
177:47 his feedback on all things pitching. I was throwing [ __ ] and I needed to get it
177:49 was throwing [ __ ] and I needed to get it together. I took off my cap and wiped my
177:52 together. I took off my cap and wiped my forehead because it was hotter than
177:54 forehead because it was hotter than hell. And then I gritted my teeth
177:56 hell. And then I gritted my teeth because Clark was in my peripheral
177:58 because Clark was in my peripheral vision filming my epic meltdown. As if
178:01 vision filming my epic meltdown. As if sucking didn't suck enough, Liz's
178:03 sucking didn't suck enough, Liz's boyfriend was here to capture the
178:05 boyfriend was here to capture the suckitude. Stupendous.
178:08 suckitude. Stupendous. because my pitches were all over the
178:10 because my pitches were all over the place, no matter what drills we were
178:12 place, no matter what drills we were doing. The game was next week and I
178:15 doing. The game was next week and I needed to get all of this [ __ ] together.
178:18 needed to get all of this [ __ ] together. I tried reminding myself it was only an
178:20 I tried reminding myself it was only an exhibition game. But the reminder didn't
178:22 exhibition game. But the reminder didn't help. It was only an exhibition game,
178:25 help. It was only an exhibition game, just a casual fall ball situation where
178:27 just a casual fall ball situation where everybody played. But for me, it was the
178:30 everybody played. But for me, it was the most stressful game I'd ever prepared
178:31 most stressful game I'd ever prepared for. It was the game that haunted me.
178:34 for. It was the game that haunted me. the game that was going to set the tone
178:36 the game that was going to set the tone for whether I was actually able to get
178:38 for whether I was actually able to get past the nonsense in my head. And I
178:41 past the nonsense in my head. And I wanted to get the start so badly, even
178:43 wanted to get the start so badly, even though it didn't matter. I flipped the
178:46 though it didn't matter. I flipped the ball and ran my finger along the seam,
178:48 ball and ran my finger along the seam, heard my father's voice loud and clear
178:51 heard my father's voice loud and clear in my head. Damn it, I muttered, then
178:54 in my head. Damn it, I muttered, then threw the damn ball. Another wild pitch
178:57 threw the damn ball. Another wild pitch that Woody had to chase. "Did you grab
178:59 that Woody had to chase. "Did you grab my bag?" I heard Liz say from the
179:01 my bag?" I heard Liz say from the direction of the dugout, presumably to
179:03 direction of the dugout, presumably to Clark, or is it in the truck. I ground
179:07 Clark, or is it in the truck. I ground my teeth together, wondering if Ross had
179:09 my teeth together, wondering if Ross had read my message yet. It was just too
179:11 read my message yet. It was just too much, having the two of them everywhere.
179:14 much, having the two of them everywhere. After witnessing them hugging as I
179:16 After witnessing them hugging as I headed into the locker room to change
179:17 headed into the locker room to change yesterday, I might have fired off an
179:19 yesterday, I might have fired off an email questioning whether it was a good
179:21 email questioning whether it was a good idea for the team to constantly be
179:22 idea for the team to constantly be distracted by cameras. Was I fully aware
179:25 distracted by cameras. Was I fully aware of the fact that if it was anyone else,
179:27 of the fact that if it was anyone else, I probably wouldn't care that much?
179:30 I probably wouldn't care that much? Absolutely. But this was how it was and
179:33 Absolutely. But this was how it was and it was bugging the crap out of me. It
179:36 it was bugging the crap out of me. It irritated me as I threw the next pitch.
179:38 irritated me as I threw the next pitch. Finally controlled and I was crazy
179:41 Finally controlled and I was crazy annoyed while I nailed the pitches that
179:42 annoyed while I nailed the pitches that followed. By the time I was finished, I
179:45 followed. By the time I was finished, I was ready to rage about their constant
179:47 was ready to rage about their constant distracting presence. But I was also
179:50 distracting presence. But I was also relieved that I'd stopped tanking, that
179:52 relieved that I'd stopped tanking, that my game was back for now, that I'd
179:55 my game was back for now, that I'd [ __ ] killed after the initial
179:57 [ __ ] killed after the initial hiccups. Praise Jesus.
179:59 hiccups. Praise Jesus. Way to work through it, Ross said as he
180:02 Way to work through it, Ross said as he walked by, not slowing long enough for
180:04 walked by, not slowing long enough for me to mention my latest email. The last
180:06 me to mention my latest email. The last set was a lot better. Thanks, I said,
180:10 set was a lot better. Thanks, I said, loading my stuff in my bag, so relieved
180:12 loading my stuff in my bag, so relieved that I'd finished strong. But as I
180:15 that I'd finished strong. But as I walked out of the bullpen area, there
180:17 walked out of the bullpen area, there they were again. Liz and Clark were
180:19 they were again. Liz and Clark were standing side by side, talking quietly
180:22 standing side by side, talking quietly next to the fence right beside me, so
180:24 next to the fence right beside me, so there was no way to avoid them. Hey,
180:27 there was no way to avoid them. Hey, Wes. Liz squinted in the bright sun,
180:30 Wes. Liz squinted in the bright sun, clearing her throat. And when I didn't
180:32 clearing her throat. And when I didn't slow, she started walking beside me, her
180:35 slow, she started walking beside me, her boyfriend following at a distance while
180:36 boyfriend following at a distance while looking down at his phone. I'm starting
180:39 looking down at his phone. I'm starting to schedule the meet the team intros,
180:41 to schedule the meet the team intros, and I was wondering when you're
180:42 and I was wondering when you're available. I kind of wanted to laugh at
180:45 available. I kind of wanted to laugh at that because from the sound of it, she'd
180:47 that because from the sound of it, she'd been scheduling them for almost a week.
180:49 been scheduling them for almost a week. Everyone on the team who I talked to on
180:51 Everyone on the team who I talked to on a regular basis was all set up for their
180:53 a regular basis was all set up for their intros already.
180:54 intros already. I'd been starting to wonder if she was
180:56 I'd been starting to wonder if she was planning on skipping me entirely. I'd
180:59 planning on skipping me entirely. I'd been hoping because even though Lilith
181:02 been hoping because even though Lilith assured me via email that they wouldn't
181:03 assured me via email that they wouldn't ask me about my dad, I was nervous. "By
181:08 ask me about my dad, I was nervous. "By available, you mean?" I said, unable to
181:11 available, you mean?" I said, unable to stop myself. "It was ridiculous how much
181:14 stop myself. "It was ridiculous how much I'd miss messing with her." You know
181:16 I'd miss messing with her." You know exactly what I mean, she snapped, her
181:18 exactly what I mean, she snapped, her eyes narrowed in irritation as she
181:20 eyes narrowed in irritation as she looked straight ahead, like she refused
181:22 looked straight ahead, like she refused to dignify me with a glance. It won't
181:25 to dignify me with a glance. It won't take more than 30 minutes. I'm available
181:28 take more than 30 minutes. I'm available now, I said, the smell of her perfume
181:30 now, I said, the smell of her perfume making me drunk on the idea of having 30
181:32 making me drunk on the idea of having 30 minutes alone with her. Oh. There was a
181:35 minutes alone with her. Oh. There was a crinkle between her eyebrows as she
181:37 crinkle between her eyebrows as she blinked fast and surprised and stopped.
181:39 blinked fast and surprised and stopped. Well, I don't think Clark can because he
181:42 Well, I don't think Clark can because he has class. Perfect. I hadn't known that
181:46 has class. Perfect. I hadn't known that Clark was going to be a part of it, and
181:48 Clark was going to be a part of it, and now he wouldn't have to be. It's
181:50 now he wouldn't have to be. It's probably the only time I can squeeze you
181:52 probably the only time I can squeeze you in this week. I lied because I'm buried
181:56 in this week. I lied because I'm buried in homework. That part wasn't a lie. I
181:59 in homework. That part wasn't a lie. I wasn't sure if it was UCLA, college in
182:01 wasn't sure if it was UCLA, college in general, or just my chosen field of
182:03 general, or just my chosen field of study, but every one of my classes had
182:06 study, but every one of my classes had gone from 0 to 100 on homework mere days
182:09 gone from 0 to 100 on homework mere days into the quarter. I was swamped.
182:12 into the quarter. I was swamped. No, that'll work, Liz, Clark said,
182:14 No, that'll work, Liz, Clark said, pulling his keys out of his pocket. We
182:17 pulling his keys out of his pocket. We only need one shot filming for these
182:18 only need one shot filming for these casual intros, so you can just use your
182:21 casual intros, so you can just use your phone. I thought we were going to do
182:23 phone. I thought we were going to do two, she said, looking up at him with a
182:26 two, she said, looking up at him with a help me look on her face that should
182:27 help me look on her face that should have amused me, but it didn't. It made
182:30 have amused me, but it didn't. It made me feel like [ __ ] I never would have
182:33 me feel like [ __ ] I never would have thought she'd want to be rescued from
182:34 thought she'd want to be rescued from me. That was for the interviews, not for
182:37 me. That was for the interviews, not for the meet the team intros. He put on a
182:40 the meet the team intros. He put on a pair of sunglasses and said, "One will
182:42 pair of sunglasses and said, "One will be perfect. Go nail this down and I'll
182:44 be perfect. Go nail this down and I'll see you at home." "See you at home?"
182:48 see you at home." "See you at home?" That haunted me. I obsessed over it. The
182:51 That haunted me. I obsessed over it. The logistics of their situation and my jaw
182:54 logistics of their situation and my jaw hurt from the clench as I watched him
182:56 hurt from the clench as I watched him walk away. They lived together in the
183:00 walk away. They lived together in the same apartment. They were there together
183:02 same apartment. They were there together every [ __ ] night. And la. No. Okay,
183:07 every [ __ ] night. And la. No. Okay, Liz said, squinting up at me as the warm
183:09 Liz said, squinting up at me as the warm sun wrapped around us. I'd missed her
183:12 sun wrapped around us. I'd missed her size, the perfect angular distance
183:14 size, the perfect angular distance between her eyes and mine when I looked
183:16 between her eyes and mine when I looked down at her. She said, "Well, I guess
183:19 down at her. She said, "Well, I guess we're doing this now. Let's go to the
183:22 we're doing this now. Let's go to the mound." "The mound? I'd picture us going
183:25 mound." "The mound? I'd picture us going to a conference room or something." "I
183:28 to a conference room or something." "I want to censor the UCLA baseball on the
183:30 want to censor the UCLA baseball on the back stop behind you," she said. And I
183:33 back stop behind you," she said. And I could tell her mind was all work now as
183:34 could tell her mind was all work now as her eyes narrowed on a spot in the
183:36 her eyes narrowed on a spot in the distance. "And the lighting's great. Are
183:39 distance. "And the lighting's great. Are you good with sitting on the ground for
183:40 you good with sitting on the ground for the interview?" "Sure," I said, getting
183:43 the interview?" "Sure," I said, getting tripped up by the closeness of her face
183:45 tripped up by the closeness of her face under mine, of long lashes and shiny
183:48 under mine, of long lashes and shiny lips in pointlank range. As if reading
183:51 lips in pointlank range. As if reading my thoughts, her gaze came back to me. A
183:54 my thoughts, her gaze came back to me. A moment, maybe two, hovered between us.
183:58 moment, maybe two, hovered between us. "God, she's so pretty." At the start of
184:01 "God, she's so pretty." At the start of practice, I saw her filming the infield
184:03 practice, I saw her filming the infield drills and thought no one had ever
184:04 drills and thought no one had ever looked so good in leggings and a Bruins
184:06 looked so good in leggings and a Bruins hoodie. Like, the way the blue ribbon in
184:09 hoodie. Like, the way the blue ribbon in her hair perfectly matched the UCLA on
184:11 her hair perfectly matched the UCLA on the football hoodie was ridiculous.
184:13 the football hoodie was ridiculous. Seriously, what the hell was she even
184:16 Seriously, what the hell was she even doing? Looking that gorgeous at a
184:18 doing? Looking that gorgeous at a practice. And what happened to the
184:20 practice. And what happened to the dresses and flowers?
184:23 dresses and flowers? I wasn't complaining. God, no. But Liz
184:25 I wasn't complaining. God, no. But Liz definitely had a different vibe now. I
184:28 definitely had a different vibe now. I didn't think I'd even seen her in a
184:29 didn't think I'd even seen her in a pastel yet. She swallowed.
184:33 pastel yet. She swallowed. Is she nervous? And tucked her hair
184:35 Is she nervous? And tucked her hair behind her ears before saying, "So,
184:37 behind her ears before saying, "So, let's go." She turned and started
184:40 let's go." She turned and started marching away from me toward the field.
184:42 marching away from me toward the field. And I was happy as hell to follow,
184:44 And I was happy as hell to follow, clicking behind her in my cleats. Liz
184:47 clicking behind her in my cleats. Liz obviously knew her way around Jackie and
184:49 obviously knew her way around Jackie and didn't slow until she was on the field,
184:51 didn't slow until she was on the field, standing behind the pitcher mound. I'd
184:53 standing behind the pitcher mound. I'd like to have you sitting on the mound
184:55 like to have you sitting on the mound facing the outfield. Just relaxed, she
184:58 facing the outfield. Just relaxed, she said, staring toward home plate with her
185:00 said, staring toward home plate with her eyes narrowed. Like I dropped to the
185:03 eyes narrowed. Like I dropped to the ground, leaning back on my palms with my
185:05 ground, leaning back on my palms with my ankles crossed in front of me, happy to
185:07 ankles crossed in front of me, happy to follow her directions. Her eyebrows
185:10 follow her directions. Her eyebrows squished together as she looked down at
185:11 squished together as she looked down at me. And [clears throat] holy [ __ ] yes.
185:14 me. And [clears throat] holy [ __ ] yes. Her mouth quirked. It quirked for the
185:17 Her mouth quirked. It quirked for the slightest of seconds, like she wanted to
185:19 slightest of seconds, like she wanted to laugh as I rested at her feet with my
185:21 laugh as I rested at her feet with my leg stretched out in front of me. that.
185:24 leg stretched out in front of me. that. She tilted her head and looked toward
185:26 She tilted her head and looked toward the stands. "That might be perfect."
185:28 the stands. "That might be perfect." "Why, thank you," I said, giving her a
185:31 "Why, thank you," I said, giving her a cheesy grin. She shook her head and
185:33 cheesy grin. She shook her head and rolled her eyes, but still looked
185:35 rolled her eyes, but still looked slightly amused. "It feels like I've won
185:38 slightly amused. "It feels like I've won something." "So, I'm asking everyone the
185:41 something." "So, I'm asking everyone the same questions," she said as she lowered
185:43 same questions," she said as she lowered to her knees and unzipped her bag. She
185:46 to her knees and unzipped her bag. She pulled out a notebook first, opening it
185:48 pulled out a notebook first, opening it to a page where her perfect cursive was
185:50 to a page where her perfect cursive was looped all over the place. And then she
185:52 looped all over the place. And then she got out an extendable tripod and started
185:54 got out an extendable tripod and started messing with the height. Very basic
185:56 messing with the height. Very basic stuff like where you're from, what
185:58 stuff like where you're from, what position you play, etc. I'm recording
186:01 position you play, etc. I'm recording the entire thing and making cuts later,
186:03 the entire thing and making cuts later, so just let me know if there's something
186:04 so just let me know if there's something you want deleted. And if you wouldn't
186:07 you want deleted. And if you wouldn't mind, please answer as if we don't know
186:09 mind, please answer as if we don't know each other. So, I should call you Ms.
186:12 each other. So, I should call you Ms. Bucks Bow and ask for your number.
186:14 Bucks Bow and ask for your number. Hilarious, she said, her eyes on the
186:16 Hilarious, she said, her eyes on the tripod. I just mean that I'd like you to
186:19 tripod. I just mean that I'd like you to answer as if I don't know your story.
186:22 answer as if I don't know your story. You don't know my story? I said, then
186:25 You don't know my story? I said, then wondered why I even said that. Not all
186:28 wondered why I even said that. Not all of it, at least. She didn't look up from
186:31 of it, at least. She didn't look up from her equipment, but her hand stilled for
186:33 her equipment, but her hand stilled for a second when I said that. They
186:35 a second when I said that. They immediately went back to work, and all
186:37 immediately went back to work, and all she said was, "True."
186:40 she said was, "True." I'd always been obsessed with the way
186:41 I'd always been obsessed with the way the sun played with her hair, and that
186:44 the sun played with her hair, and that hadn't changed. Direct sunlight made it
186:46 hadn't changed. Direct sunlight made it shimmer, I swear to God, and every
186:49 shimmer, I swear to God, and every strand looked like copper as she knelt
186:50 strand looked like copper as she knelt in the infield grass. She put her phone
186:53 in the infield grass. She put her phone on the tripod, raised it slightly, then
186:55 on the tripod, raised it slightly, then dropped her hands at her sides. "Okay, I
186:58 dropped her hands at her sides. "Okay, I think we're ready." She pressed record,
187:01 think we're ready." She pressed record, then picked up the notebook. So, tell me
187:04 then picked up the notebook. So, tell me your name, your position, and where
187:06 your name, your position, and where you're from. I can handle that one. My
187:09 you're from. I can handle that one. My name is Wes Bennett and I'm a
187:11 name is Wes Bennett and I'm a left-handed pitcher from Omaha,
187:12 left-handed pitcher from Omaha, Nebraska. Perfect, she said quietly, her
187:16 Nebraska. Perfect, she said quietly, her eyes on her notebook. What made you want
187:18 eyes on her notebook. What made you want to be a Bruin now or the first time? I
187:21 to be a Bruin now or the first time? I asked. She looked up from the page,
187:24 asked. She looked up from the page, surprised.
187:26 surprised. Is the answer different this time? The
187:29 Is the answer different this time? The truth was that when I was in high
187:30 truth was that when I was in high school, UCLA was my number two choice
187:32 school, UCLA was my number two choice until the night Liz told me she was
187:34 until the night Liz told me she was going there. That changed everything.
187:37 going there. That changed everything. And after that, no other schools even
187:39 And after that, no other schools even stood a chance. Yes, I said, not sure
187:43 stood a chance. Yes, I said, not sure exactly how to expound upon that. I've
187:46 exactly how to expound upon that. I've been a Bruins fan my entire life, but
187:48 been a Bruins fan my entire life, but the first time I stepped foot on campus,
187:50 the first time I stepped foot on campus, I felt hard for Westwood. So hard that
187:53 I felt hard for Westwood. So hard that when I decided to go back to school
187:54 when I decided to go back to school after dropping out, there was no
187:56 after dropping out, there was no question that UCLA was the only option.
187:59 question that UCLA was the only option. I'd rather not play than play anywhere
188:01 I'd rather not play than play anywhere else. Good, she said. But there was a
188:04 else. Good, she said. But there was a wrinkle between her brows, like
188:06 wrinkle between her brows, like something about that answer bothered
188:07 something about that answer bothered her. I must have read it wrong, though,
188:09 her. I must have read it wrong, though, because she moved on with a very vanilla
188:11 because she moved on with a very vanilla question. "What's your major and why?"
188:15 question. "What's your major and why?" "I'm majoring in civil engineering with
188:17 "I'm majoring in civil engineering with a minor in environmental engineering," I
188:20 a minor in environmental engineering," I said, realizing I sounded ridiculously
188:22 said, realizing I sounded ridiculously boring. "I can't remember why, to be
188:25 boring. "I can't remember why, to be honest, because it's just what I've
188:27 honest, because it's just what I've always wanted to do." math nerd," she
188:30 always wanted to do." math nerd," she said under her breath. A tiny smile on
188:32 said under her breath. A tiny smile on her mouth as her eyes stayed on the
188:34 her mouth as her eyes stayed on the page. And I felt that smile in the
188:36 page. And I felt that smile in the center of my chest because holy god, Liz
188:39 center of my chest because holy god, Liz was teasing me about something from our
188:42 was teasing me about something from our past. She'd always thought it was funny
188:44 past. She'd always thought it was funny that I liked math. How can someone so
188:47 that I liked math. How can someone so unserious be good at math? She sucked at
188:50 unserious be good at math? She sucked at math and had somehow pissed her off that
188:52 math and had somehow pissed her off that I didn't. Stop being so jealous, Libby.
188:55 I didn't. Stop being so jealous, Libby. I teased back, but instantly regretted
188:58 I teased back, but instantly regretted it because her smile disappeared the
188:59 it because her smile disappeared the minute I used her old nickname.
189:02 minute I used her old nickname. Damn it. Okay, next question, she said,
189:05 Damn it. Okay, next question, she said, clearing her throat. Which one of your
189:08 clearing her throat. Which one of your teammates would you call if you needed a
189:09 teammates would you call if you needed a ride at 3:00 in the morning? Powers, I
189:12 ride at 3:00 in the morning? Powers, I said without pause. Which of your
189:14 said without pause. Which of your teammates would you call if you needed
189:16 teammates would you call if you needed help planning a bank heist? Mick, for
189:19 help planning a bank heist? Mick, for sure, I said around a laugh. Which of
189:22 sure, I said around a laugh. Which of your teammates would you set up with
189:23 your teammates would you set up with your little sister? That's not on the
189:26 your little sister? That's not on the list. Answer the question.
189:29 list. Answer the question. None of them, I said in disgust. Sarah's
189:32 None of them, I said in disgust. Sarah's too young to date college guys. She is
189:35 too young to date college guys. She is in college, Liz said with a snort, her
189:37 in college, Liz said with a snort, her smile back. A freshman? I said
189:40 smile back. A freshman? I said defensively. She's not even 18 yet. AJ
189:44 defensively. She's not even 18 yet. AJ Powers is an 18-year-old freshman
189:46 Powers is an 18-year-old freshman dumbass, she said. And I knew she was
189:48 dumbass, she said. And I knew she was forgetting about the interview entirely.
189:50 forgetting about the interview entirely. They are basically the same age. Why are
189:53 They are basically the same age. Why are you trying to marry my baby sister off
189:55 you trying to marry my baby sister off to a baseball player? I asked. Why are
189:58 to a baseball player? I asked. Why are you trying to pretend your sister's a
189:59 you trying to pretend your sister's a baby? She replied, laughing a little. I
190:02 baby? She replied, laughing a little. I think the better question for the record
190:04 think the better question for the record would have been, which of your teammates
190:06 would have been, which of your teammates would you murder for dating your sister.
190:09 would you murder for dating your sister. And the answer to that question would
190:11 And the answer to that question would be, she asked. Brooks.
190:15 be, she asked. Brooks. Weapon of choice. She asked baseball
190:17 Weapon of choice. She asked baseball bat. I thought college pictures didn't
190:20 bat. I thought college pictures didn't take BP, she said, and the breeze blew a
190:23 take BP, she said, and the breeze blew a few strands of her hair across her
190:25 few strands of her hair across her cheek. You really think you could still
190:27 cheek. You really think you could still connect? I know I could. So cocky about
190:31 connect? I know I could. So cocky about your murderous abilities, she murmured,
190:34 your murderous abilities, she murmured, looking back at the notebook. Okay, so
190:37 looking back at the notebook. Okay, so tell me your three favorite things about
190:39 tell me your three favorite things about UCLA so far. Liz Bucksbound, Liz Bb, and
190:43 UCLA so far. Liz Bucksbound, Liz Bb, and Liz Bb. The food, the scooters, and the
190:46 Liz Bb. The food, the scooters, and the libraries.
190:48 libraries. the libraries. I could see I'd shocked
190:50 the libraries. I could see I'd shocked her with that one. There's just
190:53 her with that one. There's just something about studying in these
190:54 something about studying in these libraries that feels so innately
190:57 libraries that feels so innately collegate, right? I really was a little
191:00 collegate, right? I really was a little in love with them. Like, you walk into
191:03 in love with them. Like, you walk into PAL and it feels like every movie you've
191:04 PAL and it feels like every movie you've ever seen about college. The dark wood,
191:07 ever seen about college. The dark wood, the desk lamps, the intricate carvings
191:09 the desk lamps, the intricate carvings on the arch ceilings. How can you not be
191:12 on the arch ceilings. How can you not be inspired to read and learn in a place
191:13 inspired to read and learn in a place like that? Liz was staring at me, her
191:17 like that? Liz was staring at me, her eyes all over my face like she was
191:18 eyes all over my face like she was trying to make sense of something. She
191:21 trying to make sense of something. She probably thought I was being a smartass,
191:23 probably thought I was being a smartass, but I meant every word. After assuming
191:26 but I meant every word. After assuming college was no longer an option for me,
191:28 college was no longer an option for me, it was still mind-boggling to be able to
191:30 it was still mind-boggling to be able to walk into Powell and spend hours at a
191:32 walk into Powell and spend hours at a table with only my studies to worry
191:33 table with only my studies to worry about. "And what surprised you most so
191:37 about. "And what surprised you most so far about UCLA?" she asked. "Just the
191:40 far about UCLA?" she asked. "Just the fact that I get to be here at all." She
191:43 fact that I get to be here at all." She had that crinkle between her eyebrows
191:45 had that crinkle between her eyebrows again. The one that told me she didn't
191:47 again. The one that told me she didn't like my answer. But it was the honest to
191:49 like my answer. But it was the honest to God truth. I woke up every day shocked
191:52 God truth. I woke up every day shocked as hell that it wasn't a dream. The
191:54 as hell that it wasn't a dream. The dream I'd dreamed so many nights during
191:56 dream I'd dreamed so many nights during the almost 2 years I'd been away. I
191:58 the almost 2 years I'd been away. I really was back. Holy [ __ ] I think
192:02 really was back. Holy [ __ ] I think that's it, Liz said, interrupting my
192:05 that's it, Liz said, interrupting my thoughts. She stopped recording and
192:07 thoughts. She stopped recording and pulled her phone off the tripod. Thanks
192:09 pulled her phone off the tripod. Thanks a lot for squeezing me in, Wes. Night or
192:12 a lot for squeezing me in, Wes. Night or a day, Lib? No problem.
192:17 a day, Lib? No problem. I basically sprinted to class after
192:19 I basically sprinted to class after that, very late. My professor gave me
192:21 that, very late. My professor gave me the stink eye as I slid in the door,
192:23 the stink eye as I slid in the door, sweaty and out of breath, interrupting
192:25 sweaty and out of breath, interrupting her lecture because the only available
192:27 her lecture because the only available seat was in the center of the lecture
192:29 seat was in the center of the lecture hall. I was mortified as I squeezed
192:31 hall. I was mortified as I squeezed through everyone. Excuse me. Excuse me,
192:34 through everyone. Excuse me. Excuse me, sorry. Plop down and unzipped my
192:36 sorry. Plop down and unzipped my backpack. I was mortified, but not
192:40 backpack. I was mortified, but not actually sorry.
192:41 actually sorry. because somehow it felt like I'd made
192:44 because somehow it felt like I'd made progress with Liz that day. She still
192:47 progress with Liz that day. She still wasn't happy I was there, but it felt
192:49 wasn't happy I was there, but it felt like the ice between us had melted just
192:51 like the ice between us had melted just the tiniest bit. It made the idea of
192:54 the tiniest bit. It made the idea of something between us seemed possible. I
192:57 something between us seemed possible. I felt hopeful,
193:00 felt hopeful, but then I didn't see her at all the
193:02 but then I didn't see her at all the rest of the week. I heard she was doing
193:04 rest of the week. I heard she was doing interviews, but they were always when I
193:06 interviews, but they were always when I wasn't around. And Clark was by himself
193:09 wasn't around. And Clark was by himself every time my bullpens and workouts were
193:11 every time my bullpens and workouts were filmed with no sign of Liz anywhere.
193:14 filmed with no sign of Liz anywhere. She'd disappeared again and along with
193:16 She'd disappeared again and along with her, my good stuff on the mound had also
193:18 her, my good stuff on the mound had also gone missing. I was trying my hardest
193:21 gone missing. I was trying my hardest and digging my deepest, but I was
193:23 and digging my deepest, but I was painfully inconsistent.
193:25 painfully inconsistent. One second, I was throwing nasty pitches
193:27 One second, I was throwing nasty pitches that had Woody grinning, and the next he
193:30 that had Woody grinning, and the next he was chasing wild [ __ ] and my breaking
193:32 was chasing wild [ __ ] and my breaking balls weren't breaking at all. And the
193:34 balls weren't breaking at all. And the exhibition game was just around the
193:36 exhibition game was just around the corner.
193:37 corner. It was a pointless goal to be nabbed to
193:39 It was a pointless goal to be nabbed to start in a game that counted for
193:41 start in a game that counted for nothing. But for me, that game counted
193:44 nothing. But for me, that game counted for everything. And it had been my
193:46 for everything. And it had been my primary focus since recommitting to the
193:48 primary focus since recommitting to the team. I needed it to exercise some
193:51 team. I needed it to exercise some ghosts. I was well aware of the fact
193:53 ghosts. I was well aware of the fact that since I was a freshman, I probably
193:55 that since I was a freshman, I probably wouldn't start in many actual games this
193:57 wouldn't start in many actual games this season, if any. But Ross thought this
194:00 season, if any. But Ross thought this one was a possibility. You throw enough
194:03 one was a possibility. You throw enough filth to get the start, but you've got
194:05 filth to get the start, but you've got to get rid of the [ __ ] kid. I finally
194:08 to get rid of the [ __ ] kid. I finally got desperate. And on Saturday morning,
194:10 got desperate. And on Saturday morning, I called him. "Ross here," he answered.
194:14 I called him. "Ross here," he answered. "Hey, it's Bennett," I said, feeling a
194:17 "Hey, it's Bennett," I said, feeling a little weird about calling him, even
194:18 little weird about calling him, even though he always said he was available
194:19 though he always said he was available 24/7. "Do you have any time for extra
194:22 24/7. "Do you have any time for extra workouts this weekend?" "God damn it,"
194:26 workouts this weekend?" "God damn it," he said, sounding like he was still in
194:28 he said, sounding like he was still in bed. "I've been waiting for you to get
194:30 bed. "I've been waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and make this
194:31 your head out of your ass and make this call. But did you have to do it when I'm
194:33 call. But did you have to do it when I'm hung over? H I said smiling even though
194:37 hung over? H I said smiling even though he sounded legit pissed.
194:39 he sounded legit pissed. Yes.
194:41 Yes. [ __ ] off, he said. And meet me in an
194:44 [ __ ] off, he said. And meet me in an hour.
194:52 Chapter 14. I think the three of us make a wonderful
194:54 I think the three of us make a wonderful pair.
194:56 pair. Seems like old times.
194:59 Seems like old times. Liz,
195:05 good morning, sunshine. I walked into the kitchen and rolled my
195:07 I walked into the kitchen and rolled my eyes as Leo grinned at me from where he
195:10 eyes as Leo grinned at me from where he was sitting on the counter in Spongebob
195:11 was sitting on the counter in Spongebob pajama pants and a hoodie eating a bowl
195:14 pajama pants and a hoodie eating a bowl of cereal. The weekend had gone by way
195:17 of cereal. The weekend had gone by way too fast, and I wasn't quite ready for
195:20 too fast, and I wasn't quite ready for Monday to be here yet. I had spent the
195:23 Monday to be here yet. I had spent the weekend editing the player intros and
195:25 weekend editing the player intros and making some reals, so I was in desperate
195:28 making some reals, so I was in desperate need of another day to catch up on my
195:30 need of another day to catch up on my studies.
195:31 studies. "How long have you been up?" I asked. "I
195:35 "How long have you been up?" I asked. "I liked getting up early to run before
195:37 liked getting up early to run before class every day, but Leo liked getting
195:39 class every day, but Leo liked getting up at 4:00 a.m. every day because of no
195:42 up at 4:00 a.m. every day because of no reason. He simply liked tacking extra
195:45 reason. He simply liked tacking extra time onto my morning," he said. which
195:49 time onto my morning," he said. which made sense on paper, but not when it
195:51 made sense on paper, but not when it came time to crawl out from under comfy
195:54 came time to crawl out from under comfy blankets.
195:55 blankets. "Since leg 4:15," he said, shrugging.
195:59 "Since leg 4:15," he said, shrugging. "Slept in today."
196:02 "Slept in today." "Uh-huh."
196:03 "Uh-huh." I pressed the power button on the Kurig
196:05 I pressed the power button on the Kurig and walked over to the fridge, opening
196:07 and walked over to the fridge, opening the door to grab my yogurt. "Did you get
196:10 the door to grab my yogurt. "Did you get my rent?" I usually Venmoed my rent
196:13 my rent?" I usually Venmoed my rent payment to him, but since my grandma
196:15 payment to him, but since my grandma gave me a wad of have fun at college
196:17 gave me a wad of have fun at college money when I visited her last month, I
196:20 money when I visited her last month, I stuck the cash under his door this time.
196:23 stuck the cash under his door this time. Yeah, he said off-handedly, and it still
196:27 Yeah, he said off-handedly, and it still blew my mind that it didn't matter to
196:28 blew my mind that it didn't matter to him at all. Leo, who was the sweetest,
196:33 him at all. Leo, who was the sweetest, most thoughtful human, didn't really
196:36 most thoughtful human, didn't really think about money because he'd never had
196:38 think about money because he'd never had to.
196:39 to. It was bizarre the thought of growing up
196:42 It was bizarre the thought of growing up that way. I'd never been poor, but I'd
196:45 that way. I'd never been poor, but I'd also been very aware throughout my
196:47 also been very aware throughout my childhood that there were a million
196:49 childhood that there were a million things we couldn't afford.
196:51 things we couldn't afford. Honestly, I still woke up every morning
196:53 Honestly, I still woke up every morning and squealled a little that I was
196:55 and squealled a little that I was somehow living in a really nice
196:56 somehow living in a really nice apartment for the same amount I'd been
196:58 apartment for the same amount I'd been paying for the dorms.
197:01 paying for the dorms. But for Leo, it was the norm.
197:04 But for Leo, it was the norm. I was thinking we should get the cat, he
197:07 I was thinking we should get the cat, he said, looking dead serious.
197:11 said, looking dead serious. I grabbed the tiny jar of wee and shut
197:13 I grabbed the tiny jar of wee and shut the fridge.
197:15 the fridge. Isn't this a pet-free building? Come on,
197:19 Isn't this a pet-free building? Come on, we all see the dog walkers on the
197:21 we all see the dog walkers on the elevators and know it's just for show,
197:23 elevators and know it's just for show, he said. I want a fat tabby.
197:27 he said. I want a fat tabby. Aren't your raccoons enough? I grabbed a
197:30 Aren't your raccoons enough? I grabbed a spoon and climbed onto one of the
197:31 spoon and climbed onto one of the stools. Watching them through a window
197:34 stools. Watching them through a window is far different than snuggling them, he
197:37 is far different than snuggling them, he said. "True," I said, shrugging. "And
197:42 said. "True," I said, shrugging. "And I'm game. I miss my cat. You should send
197:46 I'm game. I miss my cat. You should send for him," Leo said, his face breaking
197:49 for him," Leo said, his face breaking into an excited grin. "Fits pervert can
197:52 into an excited grin. "Fits pervert can be besties with Bridget." "You're going
197:55 be besties with Bridget." "You're going to name your cat Bridget?" "I will if
197:58 to name your cat Bridget?" "I will if Mr. Fitz Ber is coming to live with us.
198:01 Mr. Fitz Ber is coming to live with us. "No cats," Campbell said, stumbling into
198:05 "No cats," Campbell said, stumbling into the kitchen. Her long curls were
198:07 the kitchen. Her long curls were sticking up everywhere, and she was
198:09 sticking up everywhere, and she was wearing a cropped shirt that said, "Fuck
198:11 wearing a cropped shirt that said, "Fuck it," and a pair of boxers. "They pee on
198:14 it," and a pair of boxers. "They pee on your stuff, and the apartment will smell
198:16 your stuff, and the apartment will smell like litter." "You Grinch," Leo growled.
198:21 like litter." "You Grinch," Leo growled. "But out." "I hate cats," she said,
198:26 "But out." "I hate cats," she said, walking toward the Kurig.
198:28 walking toward the Kurig. I think I might be allergic.
198:31 I think I might be allergic. Liar. I pulled the lid off my yogurt.
198:35 Liar. I pulled the lid off my yogurt. Speaking of liars, she said, turning to
198:38 Speaking of liars, she said, turning to point her finger at me.
198:41 point her finger at me. I thought you said that you and Wes
198:43 I thought you said that you and Wes Bennett just casually dated for a couple
198:46 Bennett just casually dated for a couple months in high school.
198:49 months in high school. Yeah. So, I stuck my spoon into my
198:52 Yeah. So, I stuck my spoon into my yogurt.
198:54 yogurt. What about it?
198:56 What about it? AJ Powers is my lab partner and he
198:59 AJ Powers is my lab partner and he assumed that I knew that you and his
199:02 assumed that I knew that you and his roommate were madly in love your
199:04 roommate were madly in love your freshman year at UCLA.
199:07 freshman year at UCLA. What? I didn't even know what to say,
199:10 What? I didn't even know what to say, what to think as she looked at me like I
199:13 what to think as she looked at me like I was a sneaky liar. How did he know that?
199:16 was a sneaky liar. How did he know that? Had Wes said something?
199:19 Had Wes said something? What did he say?
199:21 What did he say? We were talking about the party and how
199:24 We were talking about the party and how fun it was at Fat Sal's afterward when I
199:26 fun it was at Fat Sal's afterward when I totally faced Weed with a map of the
199:28 totally faced Weed with a map of the United States. She said, opening the
199:31 United States. She said, opening the coffee maker and putting a pot inside.
199:34 coffee maker and putting a pot inside. And when I mentioned you, he goes, "It's
199:38 And when I mentioned you, he goes, "It's wild that they were madly in love their
199:40 wild that they were madly in love their freshman year and now they're like
199:42 freshman year and now they're like strangers."
199:44 strangers." My breath got stopped up in my chest.
199:47 My breath got stopped up in my chest. Why does he think we were madly in love?
199:51 Why does he think we were madly in love? "Holy crap," Leo said, hopping off the
199:55 "Holy crap," Leo said, hopping off the counter and coming closer. "Was Miss
199:57 counter and coming closer. "Was Miss Anti-Romance madly in love?" "Sh, what
200:02 Anti-Romance madly in love?" "Sh, what else did he say?" I asked, even as my
200:05 else did he say?" I asked, even as my logical brain screamed, "It doesn't
200:08 logical brain screamed, "It doesn't matter."
200:09 matter." Had Wes told his roommate that we'd been
200:11 Had Wes told his roommate that we'd been madly in love? Had he said it recently?
200:15 madly in love? Had he said it recently? because I was still a little unsettled
200:17 because I was still a little unsettled by his interview, by how quickly we'd
200:20 by his interview, by how quickly we'd fallen back into what felt like us.
200:23 fallen back into what felt like us. The second I let my guard down and
200:25 The second I let my guard down and stopped focusing on how much I hated
200:27 stopped focusing on how much I hated him,
200:28 him, there he was, lying back in the grass
200:31 there he was, lying back in the grass and making me laugh.
200:33 and making me laugh. Totally unacceptable.
200:35 Totally unacceptable. Had I learned nothing from everything
200:37 Had I learned nothing from everything that happened?
200:39 that happened? Well, I didn't want him to know that he
200:42 Well, I didn't want him to know that he knew more than me, Campbell said,
200:45 knew more than me, Campbell said, turning around and shrugging.
200:48 turning around and shrugging. So, I just kind of said, "Yeah, wild."
200:51 So, I just kind of said, "Yeah, wild." And we moved on. "But I want the whole
200:54 And we moved on. "But I want the whole story." "Yeah, me, too," Leo agreed,
200:58 story." "Yeah, me, too," Leo agreed, nodding. "Tell us the story."
201:01 nodding. "Tell us the story." "We all deserve to know," I heard from
201:04 "We all deserve to know," I heard from behind me. Apparently, Clerk was up too
201:08 behind me. Apparently, Clerk was up too because he said, "Especially me, your
201:11 because he said, "Especially me, your boyfriend."
201:14 boyfriend." "I don't want to talk about it," I
201:16 "I don't want to talk about it," I squealled. No longer hungry for yogurt
201:19 squealled. No longer hungry for yogurt or anything.
201:21 or anything. The short story is that we dated in high
201:23 The short story is that we dated in high school, went away to college together,
201:25 school, went away to college together, but then he almost immediately moved
201:27 but then he almost immediately moved back home because his dad died and then
201:28 back home because his dad died and then we broke up. The end.
201:32 we broke up. The end. >> That isn't a short story, Clark said.
201:35 >> That isn't a short story, Clark said. raising past me on his way to the fridge
201:37 raising past me on his way to the fridge for his daily morning Red Bull. That's a
201:40 for his daily morning Red Bull. That's a lame ass run-on sentence. You're going
201:43 lame ass run-on sentence. You're going to allow us each three questions or Leo
201:46 to allow us each three questions or Leo will evict you.
201:48 will evict you. What in God's name are you wearing? I
201:52 What in God's name are you wearing? I asked off-handedly because it looked
201:55 asked off-handedly because it looked like Clark was wearing an old lady's
201:56 like Clark was wearing an old lady's purple house coat. An old lady's purple
201:59 purple house coat. An old lady's purple house coat? He replied. It's vintage
202:03 house coat? He replied. It's vintage Kmart that I thrifted and am in love
202:05 Kmart that I thrifted and am in love with. So, please refrain from
202:07 with. So, please refrain from disparaging my garment.
202:09 disparaging my garment. Why are you in love with it? Campbell
202:12 Why are you in love with it? Campbell asked. And I don't mean that
202:14 asked. And I don't mean that disparagingly. I'm just curious.
202:17 disparagingly. I'm just curious. I appreciate the clarification, and I
202:19 I appreciate the clarification, and I love it because it feels like I'm just
202:21 love it because it feels like I'm just walking around in my underpants, yet I'm
202:23 walking around in my underpants, yet I'm covered enough that I can drink coffee
202:25 covered enough that I can drink coffee on the balcony.
202:27 on the balcony. Can I try it? Leo asked, looking
202:30 Can I try it? Leo asked, looking intrigued by that description. It'll be
202:33 intrigued by that description. It'll be huge on you, Campbell answered. You're
202:36 huge on you, Campbell answered. You're like a fudge shorter than him. Yeah,
202:39 like a fudge shorter than him. Yeah, hands off my house coat. Clark opened
202:42 hands off my house coat. Clark opened the refrigerator, grabbed Red Bull, and
202:45 the refrigerator, grabbed Red Bull, and shut the door. Now, my three questions.
202:49 shut the door. Now, my three questions. Leo's not going to evict me, I said,
202:52 Leo's not going to evict me, I said, rolling my eyes, absolutely unwilling to
202:55 rolling my eyes, absolutely unwilling to discuss Wes with them. Just answer the
202:58 discuss Wes with them. Just answer the damn questions. Campbell crossed her
203:00 damn questions. Campbell crossed her arms and said, "Number one." "I'm
203:04 arms and said, "Number one." "I'm first," Clark interrupted, nudging her
203:07 first," Clark interrupted, nudging her over with his hip. "Number one, why did
203:11 over with his hip. "Number one, why did you break up?" "Yeah, why?" Campbell
203:14 you break up?" "Yeah, why?" Campbell repeated, nudging back. "I don't want to
203:18 repeated, nudging back. "I don't want to focus on this when I have an entire day
203:20 focus on this when I have an entire day in front of me. Damn it." I shrugged and
203:23 in front of me. Damn it." I shrugged and said,
203:25 said, "I thought we were good, and then one
203:28 "I thought we were good, and then one day he just said he didn't want to do
203:29 day he just said he didn't want to do the long-distance thing anymore." "So,
203:32 the long-distance thing anymore." "So, he broke up with you?" Leo asked,
203:35 he broke up with you?" Leo asked, squeezing in front of them both. "His
203:38 squeezing in front of them both. "His blue eyes were huge as he said it, like
203:41 blue eyes were huge as he said it, like it was impossible to believe."
203:44 it was impossible to believe." Yes,
203:46 Yes, I swallowed and wasn't going to think
203:48 I swallowed and wasn't going to think about it as anything more than a general
203:50 about it as anything more than a general we broke up story.
203:52 we broke up story. "What an idiot," Campbell said at the
203:56 "What an idiot," Campbell said at the same second Clark said. "What a dick."
203:59 same second Clark said. "What a dick." But then Leo ruined my ability to
204:02 But then Leo ruined my ability to disconnect with his next question. "Oh
204:05 disconnect with his next question. "Oh my god," he said, [ __ ] disgusted.
204:09 my god," he said, [ __ ] disgusted. Since you were long distance, please
204:12 Since you were long distance, please tell me he didn't do it over the phone
204:13 tell me he didn't do it over the phone like a total ass weasel.
204:16 like a total ass weasel. He did, I said, inhaling through my
204:19 He did, I said, inhaling through my nose, trying to remain in the present,
204:23 nose, trying to remain in the present, but the comment sent me right back to
204:25 but the comment sent me right back to the past
204:26 the past because yes, he definitely did it over
204:30 because yes, he definitely did it over the phone.
204:35 October two years ago.
204:38 two years ago. Wes,
204:39 Wes, are you home right now? I was sitting at
204:42 are you home right now? I was sitting at the desk in my dorm room when he texted
204:44 the desk in my dorm room when he texted reading the Awakening for American Lit.
204:47 reading the Awakening for American Lit. I got that instant rush of happy
204:49 I got that instant rush of happy dopamine when I saw his name on my
204:51 dopamine when I saw his name on my phone, Wesy McBennett face, just like I
204:55 phone, Wesy McBennett face, just like I did every single day since he'd moved
204:57 did every single day since he'd moved home. And I sat down the book and stood.
205:00 home. And I sat down the book and stood. Talking to Wes was best when I was
205:02 Talking to Wes was best when I was comfy. I ran over to my bed, plopped
205:05 comfy. I ran over to my bed, plopped onto my stomach, and texted. I am home
205:08 onto my stomach, and texted. I am home and am eagerly awaiting the sight of
205:10 and am eagerly awaiting the sight of your face. 3 2 1
205:15 your face. 3 2 1 In the weeks since he'd left, we'd
205:17 In the weeks since he'd left, we'd fallen into a routine. I went to class
205:20 fallen into a routine. I went to class all day and he went to work. And as soon
205:22 all day and he went to work. And as soon as he got home, we basically facetimed
205:24 as he got home, we basically facetimed with each other all night until one of
205:26 with each other all night until one of us or both fell asleep on the call.
205:30 us or both fell asleep on the call. I missed him so much and nothing was the
205:33 I missed him so much and nothing was the same with him gone. But the fact that I
205:36 same with him gone. But the fact that I could still see him all the time and
205:38 could still see him all the time and talk to him made it work.
205:41 talk to him made it work. But instead of hearing the familiar
205:43 But instead of hearing the familiar incoming FaceTime sound, my phone
205:46 incoming FaceTime sound, my phone actually started ringing.
205:49 actually started ringing. He was calling me. I answered on speaker
205:52 He was calling me. I answered on speaker with, "Did you forget how to FaceTime?"
205:55 with, "Did you forget how to FaceTime?" "No."
205:57 "No." I heard him clear his throat and then he
206:00 I heard him clear his throat and then he said, "I just thought it might be better
206:03 said, "I just thought it might be better to call you today."
206:05 to call you today." "But why?" I teased, rolling onto my
206:09 "But why?" I teased, rolling onto my back and looking up at the ceiling.
206:12 back and looking up at the ceiling. "I miss out on seeing your dumb face if
206:14 "I miss out on seeing your dumb face if we talk on the phone the way our
206:16 we talk on the phone the way our ancestors used to. What are we, boomers
206:19 ancestors used to. What are we, boomers now?"
206:21 now?" >> We need to talk, Liz. And don't you know
206:24 >> We need to talk, Liz. And don't you know that you can't use the expression we
206:26 that you can't use the expression we need to talk in daily conversation? I
206:29 need to talk in daily conversation? I teased.
206:31 teased. He sounded stressed, which wasn't
206:33 He sounded stressed, which wasn't unusual since his dad died, but I was
206:36 unusual since his dad died, but I was good at teasing him into relaxing.
206:38 good at teasing him into relaxing. Lately, he seemed distant when I called.
206:42 Lately, he seemed distant when I called. But I wasn't taking it personally
206:44 But I wasn't taking it personally because life kind of sucked for his
206:46 because life kind of sucked for his family at the moment. I joked, "Movies
206:50 family at the moment. I joked, "Movies have made those words a no no. Maybe
206:52 have made those words a no no. Maybe say, "Guess what?" instead. Or perhaps,
206:56 say, "Guess what?" instead. Or perhaps, "Let's have some wonderful discourse,
206:58 "Let's have some wonderful discourse, Lizzy. Anything is better than, "We need
207:01 Lizzy. Anything is better than, "We need to talk."
207:03 to talk." He sighed and it hurt my heart that he
207:06 He sighed and it hurt my heart that he was having a rough day.
207:09 was having a rough day. But then he snapped. "But we do need to
207:12 But then he snapped. "But we do need to talk."
207:13 talk." I sat up immediately, knowing this was
207:16 I sat up immediately, knowing this was different.
207:18 different. He sounded nothing like himself,
207:21 He sounded nothing like himself, not like the west he was with me. He
207:24 not like the west he was with me. He sounded
207:25 sounded detached,
207:27 detached, clinical,
207:29 clinical, like a stranger.
207:31 like a stranger. "Stop overthinking," I told myself,
207:34 "Stop overthinking," I told myself, staring down at the flowers on my yellow
207:36 staring down at the flowers on my yellow sundress.
207:37 sundress. "Things are just tough for him right
207:39 "Things are just tough for him right now."
207:40 now." But I knew in the back of my mind that
207:43 But I knew in the back of my mind that he hadn't even sounded like this on the
207:45 he hadn't even sounded like this on the day he'd gotten the call about his dad.
207:48 day he'd gotten the call about his dad. He'd been devastated and sad,
207:51 He'd been devastated and sad, but he hadn't sounded cold.
207:54 but he hadn't sounded cold. "Okay, so let's talk," I said calmly.
207:59 "Okay, so let's talk," I said calmly. There was no reason for me to feel the
208:01 There was no reason for me to feel the rising panic that had my heart racing.
208:04 rising panic that had my heart racing. "What's up?"
208:06 "What's up?" I heard him take a deep breath, and then
208:09 I heard him take a deep breath, and then he said, "This long-distance thing just
208:13 he said, "This long-distance thing just isn't working for me."
208:15 isn't working for me." What? I had no idea what he meant by
208:18 What? I had no idea what he meant by that.
208:20 that. What do you mean?
208:22 What do you mean? >> I can't do this anymore with you on the
208:24 >> I can't do this anymore with you on the other side of the country and me back
208:26 other side of the country and me back here,
208:27 here, >> he said, blurting it out like he'd
208:30 >> he said, blurting it out like he'd practiced it a thousand times. Like he'd
208:33 practiced it a thousand times. Like he'd been thinking about this a lot.
208:36 been thinking about this a lot. It just feels like we're delaying the
208:37 It just feels like we're delaying the inevitable.
208:40 inevitable. What are you saying? What's inevitable?
208:43 What are you saying? What's inevitable? Do you want me to move back?
208:46 Do you want me to move back? My hands were shaking as I tried keeping
208:48 My hands were shaking as I tried keeping up with words that didn't make sense.
208:51 up with words that didn't make sense. Last night, we'd fallen asleep together
208:52 Last night, we'd fallen asleep together on the phone while watching a friend's
208:54 on the phone while watching a friend's marathon. And just the other day, he'd
208:56 marathon. And just the other day, he'd randomly texted at 3:00 in the morning
208:58 randomly texted at 3:00 in the morning to tell me how much he loved me. So, he
209:02 to tell me how much he loved me. So, he definitely wasn't like breaking up with
209:04 definitely wasn't like breaking up with me.
209:06 me. So, what was he doing?
209:08 So, what was he doing? Or are you talking about returning to
209:10 Or are you talking about returning to school? I asked. "I don't know if I
209:14 school? I asked. "I don't know if I think we should take a break," he
209:16 think we should take a break," he interrupted,
209:17 interrupted, sounding frustrated.
209:20 sounding frustrated. "You do?"
209:22 "You do?" I felt all the blood rush from my face,
209:25 I felt all the blood rush from my face, and I could hear my heart beating in my
209:27 and I could hear my heart beating in my ears as his words kept echoing in my
209:29 ears as his words kept echoing in my head.
209:31 head. I think we should take a break.
209:35 I think we should take a break. It just doesn't work living separate
209:37 It just doesn't work living separate lives.
209:39 lives. I think it's better if we both just do
209:42 I think it's better if we both just do our own thing and move on.
209:44 our own thing and move on. >> Move on?
209:46 >> Move on? I felt like I couldn't breathe.
209:49 I felt like I couldn't breathe. Are you breaking up with me, Wes?
209:54 Are you breaking up with me, Wes? Even though it was obvious, I was
209:56 Even though it was obvious, I was somehow still utterly shocked when he
209:58 somehow still utterly shocked when he said,
210:00 said, "Yes."
210:02 "Yes." I gasped.
210:04 I gasped. "Oh," I managed. incapable of anything
210:08 "Oh," I managed. incapable of anything more.
210:10 more. My throat was tight as I blinked back
210:12 My throat was tight as I blinked back tears as I tried figuring out how this
210:17 tears as I tried figuring out how this was happening.
210:19 was happening. Wes is breaking up with me.
210:24 Wes is breaking up with me. Please know that it isn't you, Lip, he
210:27 Please know that it isn't you, Lip, he said, his voice cracking.
210:31 said, his voice cracking. You're amazing and perfect,
210:34 You're amazing and perfect, but it's just not meant to be for us
210:36 but it's just not meant to be for us anymore.
210:38 anymore. I wanted to say something to scream,
210:41 I wanted to say something to scream, "You're wrong. What are you doing?"
210:44 "You're wrong. What are you doing?" But I couldn't speak.
210:46 But I couldn't speak. There were a thousand sobs inside me,
210:49 There were a thousand sobs inside me, filling my throat and making it too
210:51 filling my throat and making it too tight for words.
210:53 tight for words. I couldn't see the flowers on my dress
210:55 I couldn't see the flowers on my dress anymore. The tears blurring out
210:58 anymore. The tears blurring out everything but the California sun that
211:00 everything but the California sun that was shining through the window, garishly
211:02 was shining through the window, garishly mocking the moment with its brightness.
211:05 mocking the moment with its brightness. I'm sorry, Lib,
211:08 I'm sorry, Lib, >> he said quietly.
211:10 >> he said quietly. >> I'm so sorry.
211:13 >> I'm so sorry. >> Through the haze of my shock and
211:14 >> Through the haze of my shock and heartbreak,
211:16 heartbreak, I saw a reason that made sense.
211:20 I saw a reason that made sense. A reason that didn't make it hurt any
211:22 A reason that didn't make it hurt any less.
211:24 less. But I loved him, so I'd have to accept
211:26 But I loved him, so I'd have to accept it.
211:28 it. I wiped up my cheeks and tried sounding
211:31 I wiped up my cheeks and tried sounding like I was fine.
211:33 like I was fine. I know everything's a mess right now, so
211:37 I know everything's a mess right now, so it's fine if you want to take a break
211:39 it's fine if you want to take a break from us while you're dealing with all of
211:40 from us while you're dealing with all of it. I'll still be here as your friend,
211:44 it. I'll still be here as your friend, and we can revisit the rest later.
211:48 and we can revisit the rest later. No, Liz.
211:51 No, Liz. He made a noise like an unhappy laugh or
211:54 He made a noise like an unhappy laugh or a groan.
211:56 a groan. And then he said,
211:58 And then he said, "No,
212:00 "No, no,
212:02 no, no. Don't you get it?" He sounded upset
212:06 no. Don't you get it?" He sounded upset now.
212:08 now. I need a clean break
212:10 I need a clean break from us.
212:12 from us. I felt like I'd been slapped when he
212:14 I felt like I'd been slapped when he said that. Like a part of me was being
212:17 said that. Like a part of me was being ripped away.
212:19 ripped away. You don't even want to be friends.
212:22 You don't even want to be friends. I think it's best if we call it done and
212:24 I think it's best if we call it done and just walk away.
212:26 just walk away. Oh my god, I whispered.
212:30 Oh my god, I whispered. I could forgive him for anything after
212:32 I could forgive him for anything after what he just gone through.
212:35 what he just gone through. But I didn't know how he could do this,
212:38 But I didn't know how he could do this, how he could want this.
212:41 how he could want this. He was the center of my world. We were
212:44 He was the center of my world. We were my center.
212:46 my center. How could he be fine with not being in
212:48 How could he be fine with not being in my life anymore?
212:50 my life anymore? God,
212:52 God, he didn't want me in his life anymore.
212:56 he didn't want me in his life anymore. Is this why you didn't FaceTime? I said,
213:00 Is this why you didn't FaceTime? I said, hating that he could hear I was crying,
213:02 hating that he could hear I was crying, but somehow unable to stop myself from
213:05 but somehow unable to stop myself from asking.
213:06 asking. Because you knew it'd be awkward as hell
213:09 Because you knew it'd be awkward as hell when I started crying.
213:12 when I started crying. He didn't say anything.
213:14 He didn't say anything. I waited, but he didn't say a word.
213:18 I waited, but he didn't say a word. "Bes,
213:20 "Bes, I have to go now," he said, his voice
213:25 I have to go now," he said, his voice thick and quiet. "I just can't."
213:31 thick and quiet. "I just can't." And then I watched through tear blurred
213:33 And then I watched through tear blurred eyes as the call was dropped and his
213:37 eyes as the call was dropped and his name disappeared from my phone's
213:39 name disappeared from my phone's display.
213:45 Hello. Campbell snapped her fingers in front of
213:46 Campbell snapped her fingers in front of my face. Where'd you go, Elizabeth?
213:51 my face. Where'd you go, Elizabeth? I blinked and felt like I'd just gone
213:53 I blinked and felt like I'd just gone back in time. Literally.
213:57 back in time. Literally. I gave my head a shake and said, "Gh,
214:00 I gave my head a shake and said, "Gh, [clears throat]
214:01 [clears throat] to the bad place."
214:03 to the bad place." "So, what happened after that?" Leo
214:06 "So, what happened after that?" Leo asked.
214:07 asked. He broke up with you and then then I
214:11 He broke up with you and then then I baldled my eyes out for a few months and
214:13 baldled my eyes out for a few months and moved on, I said as if it had been that
214:17 moved on, I said as if it had been that easy.
214:18 easy. End of story.
214:20 End of story. >> What about him though? Clark asked. He's
214:24 >> What about him though? Clark asked. He's back at UCLA.
214:26 back at UCLA. How did that happen?
214:29 How did that happen? I genuinely have no idea. I admitted
214:33 I genuinely have no idea. I admitted really curious about that part of it.
214:36 really curious about that part of it. I've stayed in LA every summer to work
214:38 I've stayed in LA every summer to work and my dad comes to California for
214:40 and my dad comes to California for holidays. So Omaha is like a former life
214:43 holidays. So Omaha is like a former life in a way. The only person I keep in
214:46 in a way. The only person I keep in touch with is my friend Joss, but she
214:48 touch with is my friend Joss, but she pronounced him dead to her when he
214:49 pronounced him dead to her when he dumped me, so she's never mentioned him.
214:53 dumped me, so she's never mentioned him. I literally know nothing about his life
214:55 I literally know nothing about his life after we broke up.
214:57 after we broke up. I think we should table the questions
214:59 I think we should table the questions for now, Clark said, pushing Campbell
215:03 for now, Clark said, pushing Campbell out of the way as he stepped forward to
215:05 out of the way as he stepped forward to lean his arms on the counter in front of
215:06 lean his arms on the counter in front of me. I don't like your face right now.
215:10 me. I don't like your face right now. You okay, kid?
215:12 You okay, kid? Of course, I'm good, I said, grateful
215:17 Of course, I'm good, I said, grateful for my friends as Clark smiled at me
215:20 for my friends as Clark smiled at me with fatherly concern in his eyes.
215:23 with fatherly concern in his eyes. I was also grateful that I meant it.
215:26 I was also grateful that I meant it. I was good. It had been years. Wes and I
215:30 I was good. It had been years. Wes and I were different people and I was fine
215:33 were different people and I was fine now.
215:34 now. But I kept thinking about it on my run.
215:37 But I kept thinking about it on my run. The way I hadn't been fine for a long
215:39 The way I hadn't been fine for a long time after the breakup.
215:42 time after the breakup. I cried a million tears into the Emerson
215:44 I cried a million tears into the Emerson baseball sweatshirt that I didn't give
215:46 baseball sweatshirt that I didn't give back. Mourning a loss I couldn't
215:48 back. Mourning a loss I couldn't understand.
215:50 understand. It had been impossible to accept. Going
215:53 It had been impossible to accept. Going from madly in love to utterly alone
215:56 from madly in love to utterly alone overnight.
215:58 overnight. God, I'd foolishly overthought so many
216:01 God, I'd foolishly overthought so many things from that phone call.
216:04 things from that phone call. He sounded sad. Did his voice crack at
216:06 He sounded sad. Did his voice crack at the end just before he hung up? What if
216:09 the end just before he hung up? What if this has everything to do with his dad's
216:11 this has everything to do with his dad's death and he still actually loves me?
216:14 death and he still actually loves me? Maybe I should call him.
216:16 Maybe I should call him. I deluded myself into believing so many
216:19 I deluded myself into believing so many things about that conversation
216:21 things about that conversation until I went home for Christmas break.
216:24 until I went home for Christmas break. Then I learned on New Year's Day the
216:27 Then I learned on New Year's Day the real reason why he'd dumped me. It had
216:30 real reason why he'd dumped me. It had nothing to do with his father or him
216:34 nothing to do with his father or him somehow still loving me and everything
216:37 somehow still loving me and everything to do with a beautiful girl named
216:39 to do with a beautiful girl named Ashley.
216:41 Ashley. I'd been a foolish, sillyhearted little
216:44 I'd been a foolish, sillyhearted little love lover back then.
216:46 love lover back then. But now I am not.
216:49 But now I am not. My brain hit reset when I showered,
216:51 My brain hit reset when I showered, thank God. And I spent the rest of the
216:54 thank God. And I spent the rest of the day focused on my classes. I had two
216:57 day focused on my classes. I had two tests. Aced one and struggled with the
216:59 tests. Aced one and struggled with the other before lunch. And then a guest
217:01 other before lunch. And then a guest speaker in my last lecture gave me a
217:03 speaker in my last lecture gave me a hand cramp from all the copious
217:05 hand cramp from all the copious note-taking. By the time Clark pulled up
217:08 note-taking. By the time Clark pulled up so we could go to Jackie, I was
217:10 so we could go to Jackie, I was exhausted.
217:12 exhausted. My phone buzzed.
217:14 My phone buzzed. Lilith, can you post another reel today?
217:17 Lilith, can you post another reel today? I got into the truck and replied
217:20 I got into the truck and replied after practice. She texted back. That's
217:24 after practice. She texted back. That's perfect. It's been a couple days and
217:26 perfect. It's been a couple days and with the exhibition game around the
217:28 with the exhibition game around the corner, we need to be pushing out a lot
217:29 corner, we need to be pushing out a lot more. I shot off a quick, of course,
217:33 more. I shot off a quick, of course, thrilled that she trusted me to post
217:35 thrilled that she trusted me to post content without running it past her
217:37 content without running it past her first. I was excited about that as we
217:39 first. I was excited about that as we drove toward the field. And when Super
217:41 drove toward the field. And when Super Massive Black Hole came up on Clark's
217:43 Massive Black Hole came up on Clark's playlist, I knew exactly what I was
217:46 playlist, I knew exactly what I was going to do. I loved Muse, especially
217:49 going to do. I loved Muse, especially the Resistance album, but it was
217:51 the Resistance album, but it was impossible for me not to picture the
217:53 impossible for me not to picture the Twilight baseball scene when that song
217:55 Twilight baseball scene when that song was playing, which cracked my brain wide
217:58 was playing, which cracked my brain wide open when we got to Jackie and the team
218:00 open when we got to Jackie and the team was already on the field practicing. I
218:03 was already on the field practicing. I swapped equipment with Clark because I
218:05 swapped equipment with Clark because I needed a lot of hitting and running
218:06 needed a lot of hitting and running footage, which would be perfect to set
218:09 footage, which would be perfect to set with the song and do a spin-off take of
218:11 with the song and do a spin-off take of the iconic, in my opinion, vampire
218:13 the iconic, in my opinion, vampire baseball scene. So, he was taking stills
218:16 baseball scene. So, he was taking stills and I was on video. And honestly, it was
218:20 and I was on video. And honestly, it was clicking so well and I was so into it
218:22 clicking so well and I was so into it that I didn't even notice Wes. I dove in
218:26 that I didn't even notice Wes. I dove in the second we got there, thrumming with
218:28 the second we got there, thrumming with the buzz of freshly sparked creativity.
218:31 the buzz of freshly sparked creativity. I focused first on hitting drills,
218:32 I focused first on hitting drills, getting as many long ball shots as I
218:35 getting as many long ball shots as I could from every batter. After that, I
218:38 could from every batter. After that, I switched to base running, really zooming
218:40 switched to base running, really zooming in to capture the snap of the ball as it
218:42 in to capture the snap of the ball as it landed in the glove. It wasn't until I
218:45 landed in the glove. It wasn't until I decided to get pitching shots, really
218:47 decided to get pitching shots, really wanting the long extensions that
218:49 wanting the long extensions that accompanied the release of the ball that
218:51 accompanied the release of the ball that I actually noticed Wes.
218:54 I actually noticed Wes. Of course, he was on the mound, so he
218:56 Of course, he was on the mound, so he didn't even know I was there.
218:58 didn't even know I was there. He had always been hyperfocused when it
219:00 He had always been hyperfocused when it came to baseball. His entire demeanor
219:03 came to baseball. His entire demeanor changed when he jogged out of the
219:04 changed when he jogged out of the bullpen. The easygoing attitude replaced
219:07 bullpen. The easygoing attitude replaced with an intensity that burned white hot
219:10 with an intensity that burned white hot in the darkness of his brown eyes. Like
219:13 in the darkness of his brown eyes. Like a match had been tossed directly into
219:15 a match had been tossed directly into the fuel of his passion.
219:17 the fuel of his passion. That jarring contradiction, the
219:20 That jarring contradiction, the crackling electrical undercurrent
219:22 crackling electrical undercurrent juxtaposed over his quick to laugh
219:24 juxtaposed over his quick to laugh carelessness, was a powerful thing to
219:26 carelessness, was a powerful thing to behold.
219:28 behold. He was that way. 0 to 100 intensity
219:32 He was that way. 0 to 100 intensity with a couple other things as well. But
219:35 with a couple other things as well. But I sure as hell wasn't going to let my
219:37 I sure as hell wasn't going to let my mind wander in that direction.
219:41 mind wander in that direction. Focus, Liz. Film, Liz.
219:45 Focus, Liz. Film, Liz. And film I did. The more I filmed, the
219:49 And film I did. The more I filmed, the more I noticed the tiny details, like
219:52 more I noticed the tiny details, like the way he still flipped the ball and
219:54 the way he still flipped the ball and trailed the seam with two fingers before
219:56 trailed the seam with two fingers before every throw. And the way he still
219:59 every throw. And the way he still squeezed the ball and took a big deep
220:00 squeezed the ball and took a big deep breath before every pitch.
220:03 breath before every pitch. Something about those things felt
220:05 Something about those things felt romantic.
220:07 romantic. The ritual and habit of his hands on the
220:09 The ritual and habit of his hands on the ball.
220:11 ball. It was almost as if his fingertips and
220:13 It was almost as if his fingertips and those stitches were a comfortable old
220:15 those stitches were a comfortable old couple. intimately familiar with every
220:18 couple. intimately familiar with every inch of each other after a lifetime of
220:20 inch of each other after a lifetime of shared touches.
220:22 shared touches. I need to get some up close shots of his
220:24 I need to get some up close shots of his hands on the ball. I kept filming.
220:28 hands on the ball. I kept filming. And God, he was an artist with the ball.
220:32 And God, he was an artist with the ball. He was. The way his face went blank and
220:36 He was. The way his face went blank and intense all at once just before he let
220:38 intense all at once just before he let loose with a throw that was violent in
220:40 loose with a throw that was violent in its speed, slapping into the glove with
220:43 its speed, slapping into the glove with brute force, yet incredibly nuanced in
220:46 brute force, yet incredibly nuanced in its pinpoint accuracy.
220:48 its pinpoint accuracy. His long, lean arm fully extended on
220:51 His long, lean arm fully extended on release. The kick of his leg as he fired
220:53 release. The kick of his leg as he fired the ball. The rushing exhale of his
220:56 the ball. The rushing exhale of his breath when he let it fly.
220:59 breath when he let it fly. I was on my knees, on my stomach, on my
221:01 I was on my knees, on my stomach, on my tiptoes, and on the stepladder. He was
221:04 tiptoes, and on the stepladder. He was giving me every shot I wanted and making
221:06 giving me every shot I wanted and making me greedy for better angles, circling
221:09 me greedy for better angles, circling like a planet in orbit as I needed more,
221:12 like a planet in orbit as I needed more, more, more. Even after he finished
221:14 more, more. Even after he finished pitching, I filmed him playing catch
221:17 pitching, I filmed him playing catch with Mick and Wade. My camera now fully
221:20 with Mick and Wade. My camera now fully obsessed with his left hand and its
221:22 obsessed with his left hand and its relationship with the baseball.
221:24 relationship with the baseball. Think we got enough,
221:26 Think we got enough, huh?
221:28 huh? I lowered the video camera and was
221:30 I lowered the video camera and was shocked to see Clark, or anyone for that
221:33 shocked to see Clark, or anyone for that matter, beside me in the dugout. I'd
221:36 matter, beside me in the dugout. I'd been so sucked into the balletike
221:38 been so sucked into the balletike mechanics of that ball and its journey
221:40 mechanics of that ball and its journey from Wes's hand to the sweet spot of the
221:42 from Wes's hand to the sweet spot of the bat that everything else in the world
221:45 bat that everything else in the world had ceased to exist.
221:48 had ceased to exist. "You are in the zone, Bucks," he said,
221:52 "You are in the zone, Bucks," he said, shaking his head. You usually only give
221:55 shaking his head. You usually only give me that stupid stare when you're doing
221:56 me that stupid stare when you're doing music.
221:58 music. I uh I said for some reason out of
222:02 I uh I said for some reason out of breath and still not quite there. I was
222:05 breath and still not quite there. I was getting amazing vampire baseball footage
222:09 getting amazing vampire baseball footage because he was Clark. He knew exactly
222:11 because he was Clark. He knew exactly what that meant and he squealled.
222:15 what that meant and he squealled. Yes. Super massive colon family. [ __ ]
222:18 Yes. Super massive colon family. [ __ ] yes. This reel is going to be amazing,
222:21 yes. This reel is going to be amazing, bro.
222:22 bro. He was right. It would be. And as I
222:26 He was right. It would be. And as I listened to him go on about it, I got
222:29 listened to him go on about it, I got even more excited
222:31 even more excited because I'd been able to forget
222:34 because I'd been able to forget emotionally about my history with Wes
222:36 emotionally about my history with Wes when he'd been pitching. The flashback
222:38 when he'd been pitching. The flashback from earlier that day was gone, nowhere
222:42 from earlier that day was gone, nowhere to be found. As I did my job,
222:45 to be found. As I did my job, I Liz Bucksbomb could focus on Wes
222:48 I Liz Bucksbomb could focus on Wes Bennett, the ace pitcher, and
222:51 Bennett, the ace pitcher, and concentrate on the creative part of my
222:53 concentrate on the creative part of my job without falling apart.
222:56 job without falling apart. He was just another random athlete at
222:59 He was just another random athlete at the university.
223:01 the university. This wasn't going to be a big deal at
223:03 This wasn't going to be a big deal at all.
223:11 Chapter 15. Oh my god, look at your face. You love
223:14 Oh my god, look at your face. You love her. Promact,
223:18 her. Promact, Wes.
223:20 Wes. I stepped under the shower head, turning
223:22 I stepped under the shower head, turning my face up and letting the hot water
223:23 my face up and letting the hot water pour over me. I was one of the last guys
223:26 pour over me. I was one of the last guys there because I'd stayed late to talk to
223:27 there because I'd stayed late to talk to Ross after practice, so it was quiet in
223:30 Ross after practice, so it was quiet in the locker room. My muscles were sore. I
223:33 the locker room. My muscles were sore. I was tired. Yet, I couldn't remember the
223:36 was tired. Yet, I couldn't remember the last time I felt this alive because
223:38 last time I felt this alive because praise Jesus, after working my ass off
223:40 praise Jesus, after working my ass off over the weekend, I was back. I just
223:44 over the weekend, I was back. I just spent an entire practice being steady
223:46 spent an entire practice being steady freaking Eddie, as consistent as I'd
223:48 freaking Eddie, as consistent as I'd ever been in my entire life. Pitching
223:51 ever been in my entire life. Pitching actually felt fun again today. Mostly
223:53 actually felt fun again today. Mostly because my dad's voice hadn't whispered
223:55 because my dad's voice hadn't whispered a single syllable as I threw strike
223:57 a single syllable as I threw strike after strike. I hadn't wanted practice
223:59 after strike. I hadn't wanted practice to end, especially when Liz was there
224:02 to end, especially when Liz was there the entire time filming me. Sure, Clark
224:06 the entire time filming me. Sure, Clark was around, but that dude was taking
224:08 was around, but that dude was taking random pictures of everyone. Liz, on the
224:11 random pictures of everyone. Liz, on the other hand, had been primarily focused
224:14 other hand, had been primarily focused on me. I knew she was just doing her
224:16 on me. I knew she was just doing her job. But anytime she was in my world, I
224:19 job. But anytime she was in my world, I was happier. I got dressed and was
224:21 was happier. I got dressed and was almost ready to take off when I saw it.
224:24 almost ready to take off when I saw it. The starting lineup. The starting lineup
224:26 The starting lineup. The starting lineup for Saturday's exhibition game was taped
224:28 for Saturday's exhibition game was taped up by the door. My good mood was
224:31 up by the door. My good mood was immediately wiped out by stress as I
224:32 immediately wiped out by stress as I slowly walked over. Half the guys
224:35 slowly walked over. Half the guys probably hadn't even looked at it
224:36 probably hadn't even looked at it because it wasn't a real game. Who cared
224:38 because it wasn't a real game. Who cared who was starting? The coaches were going
224:40 who was starting? The coaches were going to rotate everyone in and out, so it
224:42 to rotate everyone in and out, so it legitimately didn't matter to anyone but
224:45 legitimately didn't matter to anyone but me. I inhaled through my nose and
224:48 me. I inhaled through my nose and stepped closer, my eyes tracking down
224:51 stepped closer, my eyes tracking down the list, looking for the picture. You
224:54 the list, looking for the picture. You up for it? I heard from behind me.
224:57 up for it? I heard from behind me. "What?" I turned around and Ross was
225:00 "What?" I turned around and Ross was leaning against the wall, looking down
225:02 leaning against the wall, looking down at his phone. "We've got you down for
225:04 at his phone. "We've got you down for the start," he said, his eyes still on
225:07 the start," he said, his eyes still on the phone. "And I just want to make sure
225:10 the phone. "And I just want to make sure you're ready." "Seriously?"
225:12 you're ready." "Seriously?" Normally, I'd try to be cool, but it was
225:15 Normally, I'd try to be cool, but it was Ross. I was beaming like a goddamn
225:17 Ross. I was beaming like a goddamn toddler as I couldn't stop myself from
225:19 toddler as I couldn't stop myself from yelling, "You're not messing with me,
225:21 yelling, "You're not messing with me, right? Christ, Bennett, you're
225:23 right? Christ, Bennett, you're embarrassing yourself." he said. But the
225:26 embarrassing yourself." he said. But the smile on his face was almost as big as
225:28 smile on his face was almost as big as mine. "It's just an exhibition game.
225:30 mine. "It's just an exhibition game. Settle down." "I can't," I said,
225:34 Settle down." "I can't," I said, wondering why my throat was scratchy. "I
225:36 wondering why my throat was scratchy. "I know." He gave me a nod like he was
225:39 know." He gave me a nod like he was acknowledging that everything that the
225:41 acknowledging that everything that the exhibition game meant to me personally,
225:43 exhibition game meant to me personally, and said, "Just don't do something
225:46 and said, "Just don't do something stupid like busting an ankle or throwing
225:47 stupid like busting an ankle or throwing out your arm before Saturday." I won't,
225:51 out your arm before Saturday." I won't, I said around a laugh, a little too
225:53 I said around a laugh, a little too close to happy tears for my comfort. I
225:56 close to happy tears for my comfort. I pretty much sprinted out of there after
225:58 pretty much sprinted out of there after ripping the paper off the wall and
225:59 ripping the paper off the wall and putting it in my bag because I knew my
226:01 putting it in my bag because I knew my mom would want it. Filled with a wild
226:03 mom would want it. Filled with a wild energy that gave me the urge to turn
226:05 energy that gave me the urge to turn cartwheels all the way back to campus. I
226:07 cartwheels all the way back to campus. I swear to God, the second I was outside,
226:10 swear to God, the second I was outside, I facetimed Sarah. What? She answered,
226:14 I facetimed Sarah. What? She answered, and it looked like she was walking to
226:15 and it looked like she was walking to class or from it. She was definitely
226:18 class or from it. She was definitely walking somewhere on campus as she said,
226:20 walking somewhere on campus as she said, "Why are you bothering me when I'm late
226:22 "Why are you bothering me when I'm late to class?" "Because I thought I should
226:24 to class?" "Because I thought I should give you a heads up that I'm starting
226:26 give you a heads up that I'm starting Saturday just in case you want to ditch
226:28 Saturday just in case you want to ditch Stanford to road trip it down here and
226:29 Stanford to road trip it down here and catch an exhibition game." "Oh my god!"
226:32 catch an exhibition game." "Oh my god!" Sarah screamed, her face swallowed by
226:35 Sarah screamed, her face swallowed by that little brat smile of hers. She
226:37 that little brat smile of hers. She stopped walking and said, "You're
226:39 stopped walking and said, "You're starting? Holy shit." "Right," I said,
226:42 starting? Holy shit." "Right," I said, still in shock. "Did you tell mom yet?"
226:45 still in shock. "Did you tell mom yet?" she asked, still squealing. I doubt she
226:48 she asked, still squealing. I doubt she can come, but she'll want to know. Oh my
226:50 can come, but she'll want to know. Oh my god. No, you're the first person I
226:53 god. No, you're the first person I called, I said, wondering if I'd ever be
226:56 called, I said, wondering if I'd ever be able to stop smiling. As it should be,
226:58 able to stop smiling. As it should be, Wesley. She laughed, raising a knuckle
227:00 Wesley. She laughed, raising a knuckle to wipe the corner of her eye. "I'm so
227:03 to wipe the corner of her eye. "I'm so happy for you." Sarah was one of the
227:06 happy for you." Sarah was one of the only people who actually understood why
227:08 only people who actually understood why it was so important to me, which made it
227:10 it was so important to me, which made it important to her, too. It felt big for
227:13 important to her, too. It felt big for the Bennett. After everything, it was a
227:16 the Bennett. After everything, it was a chance for a redo. "Thanks," I said,
227:19 chance for a redo. "Thanks," I said, swallowing hard. "I'll let you get to
227:21 swallowing hard. "I'll let you get to class, and I have some happy skipping to
227:24 class, and I have some happy skipping to do that cannot be done properly or
227:26 do that cannot be done properly or safely while holding a phone." "Yeah,
227:29 safely while holding a phone." "Yeah, you go. Safety first. Later," she said,
227:33 you go. Safety first. Later," she said, laughing as she disconnected the call. I
227:36 laughing as she disconnected the call. I was on cloud9 for the rest of the week,
227:38 was on cloud9 for the rest of the week, feeling like I'd passed some sort of
227:40 feeling like I'd passed some sort of test by getting the start. My mother
227:42 test by getting the start. My mother baldled like a baby on FaceTime, which
227:44 baldled like a baby on FaceTime, which made me get a little choked up. It also
227:47 made me get a little choked up. It also made me remember the time I'd avoided
227:48 made me remember the time I'd avoided FaceTiming Liz because I didn't want her
227:50 FaceTiming Liz because I didn't want her to see me cry. But no way in hell I was
227:53 to see me cry. But no way in hell I was looking back at the past right now. Not
227:55 looking back at the past right now. Not when there was so much to look forward
227:57 when there was so much to look forward to. That forward only vision was the
228:00 to. That forward only vision was the main reason I gave a big old hell no to
228:02 main reason I gave a big old hell no to Lilith Grossman when she emailed again
228:04 Lilith Grossman when she emailed again asking if she could do a follow-up
228:06 asking if she could do a follow-up interview to the one Liz had already
228:07 interview to the one Liz had already done. She said she'd love to really
228:09 done. She said she'd love to really delve into the amazing way I'd overcome
228:12 delve into the amazing way I'd overcome adversity.
228:14 adversity. No [ __ ] thank you. I'd been a team
228:16 No [ __ ] thank you. I'd been a team player and answered Liz's questions like
228:18 player and answered Liz's questions like a good boy, but I was hard passing on
228:20 a good boy, but I was hard passing on anything more, especially when Liz
228:23 anything more, especially when Liz wasn't involved. I pitched lights out at
228:26 wasn't involved. I pitched lights out at all the practices leading up to the
228:28 all the practices leading up to the game. And by the time Friday night
228:30 game. And by the time Friday night rolled around, I had a hard time
228:31 rolled around, I had a hard time sleeping because I was so excited. It
228:34 sleeping because I was so excited. It was finally here. But the instant I woke
228:37 was finally here. But the instant I woke up Saturday morning, I could feel that
228:39 up Saturday morning, I could feel that the stress was back. Every ounce of
228:41 the stress was back. Every ounce of excitement I'd had was now replaced with
228:43 excitement I'd had was now replaced with fear. What if I fail? I laughed with the
228:46 fear. What if I fail? I laughed with the guys when we grabbed breakfast at
228:48 guys when we grabbed breakfast at Bplate, trying a fake it till you make
228:50 Bplate, trying a fake it till you make it attitude as they acted like it was
228:51 it attitude as they acted like it was just a regular day, but my stomach was
228:54 just a regular day, but my stomach was in a thousand tiny knots as I forced
228:56 in a thousand tiny knots as I forced down a brewin scramble in some oatmeal.
228:59 down a brewin scramble in some oatmeal. And as we rode to the field in mixed
229:00 And as we rode to the field in mixed car, I contributed to their inane
229:02 car, I contributed to their inane conversation while trying to shut down
229:04 conversation while trying to shut down my inner monologue that went something
229:06 my inner monologue that went something like, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up.
229:08 like, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up. Don't screw up." I needed to get a grip,
229:11 Don't screw up." I needed to get a grip, but it was like my brain was fixated on
229:13 but it was like my brain was fixated on all the ways this could go south.
229:15 all the ways this could go south. Getting the start had put one of my
229:17 Getting the start had put one of my ghosts in the grave. But what if I
229:19 ghosts in the grave. But what if I screwed up? What if all I'd accomplished
229:21 screwed up? What if all I'd accomplished with the start was to showcase how hard
229:23 with the start was to showcase how hard I could choke in a game? What if I
229:25 I could choke in a game? What if I proved to the coaching staff that they'd
229:27 proved to the coaching staff that they'd been wrong to give me the second chance?
229:30 been wrong to give me the second chance? Why so quiet, Bennett? Brooks asked as
229:32 Why so quiet, Bennett? Brooks asked as we did stretches on the field. He was
229:35 we did stretches on the field. He was relaxed and grinning, his knee planted
229:37 relaxed and grinning, his knee planted in the grass. And I was jealous of his
229:39 in the grass. And I was jealous of his energy. I don't think I've heard you say
229:42 energy. I don't think I've heard you say dick today. Dick, I muttered with a
229:45 dick today. Dick, I muttered with a forced grin, working into shoulder
229:47 forced grin, working into shoulder rotations while attempting some deep
229:49 rotations while attempting some deep breathing. I looked out at the stands
229:51 breathing. I looked out at the stands and inhaled slowly through my nose. It
229:54 and inhaled slowly through my nose. It was a warm California afternoon with
229:56 was a warm California afternoon with barely a breeze and a record number of
229:58 barely a breeze and a record number of fans had turned out for the exhibition
230:00 fans had turned out for the exhibition game. The packed out vibe at Jackie was
230:02 game. The packed out vibe at Jackie was electric with music booming through the
230:05 electric with music booming through the speakers as the snap of balls hitting
230:07 speakers as the snap of balls hitting gloves was like bonus percussion to the
230:08 gloves was like bonus percussion to the party vibe. It was fall ball perfection.
230:13 party vibe. It was fall ball perfection. I let out my breath through my mouth,
230:15 I let out my breath through my mouth, glancing toward where my sister was
230:16 glancing toward where my sister was sitting with her feet propped up on the
230:18 sitting with her feet propped up on the seat in front of her, a blue bee painted
230:20 seat in front of her, a blue bee painted on her cheek. God, she's a cheese ball,
230:23 on her cheek. God, she's a cheese ball, I thought. And seeing her obnoxiousness
230:25 I thought. And seeing her obnoxiousness somehow helped. This is what I've been
230:27 somehow helped. This is what I've been working toward, and I need to enjoy it.
230:31 working toward, and I need to enjoy it. I told myself that as I finished
230:32 I told myself that as I finished stretches. But as soon as I grabbed my
230:34 stretches. But as soon as I grabbed my glove and started warming up, my dad's
230:37 glove and started warming up, my dad's voice was all I could hear. "What was
230:39 voice was all I could hear. "What was that, Wesley? Squirrely shit?" I heard
230:42 that, Wesley? Squirrely shit?" I heard as I threw high and inside, just as
230:45 as I threw high and inside, just as clearly as if he'd been on his feet in
230:46 clearly as if he'd been on his feet in the stands the way he'd been at all my
230:48 the stands the way he'd been at all my high school games.
230:50 high school games. Stop it. I wiped my forehead as Mickey
230:53 Stop it. I wiped my forehead as Mickey threw back the ball. It's only warm-ups.
230:56 threw back the ball. It's only warm-ups. Chill. But when I threw a wild pitch
230:59 Chill. But when I threw a wild pitch that Mick had to chase, I started
231:01 that Mick had to chase, I started freaking out a little because I was
231:03 freaking out a little because I was going to blow it. No wonder you didn't
231:06 going to blow it. No wonder you didn't want me to come to the game last time. I
231:08 want me to come to the game last time. I heard my dad yell from the stands. Quit
231:10 heard my dad yell from the stands. Quit messing around and throw him the gas.
231:13 messing around and throw him the gas. Dear God, he said those words to me.
231:16 Dear God, he said those words to me. Quit messing around and throw him the
231:18 Quit messing around and throw him the gas. no fewer than three million times
231:20 gas. no fewer than three million times over the course of my life. It'd been
231:22 over the course of my life. It'd been annoying as [ __ ] when he was alive, but
231:25 annoying as [ __ ] when he was alive, but now it was like nails on a chalkboard
231:27 now it was like nails on a chalkboard mixed with a blood curdling scream. I
231:30 mixed with a blood curdling scream. I was obviously losing my mind when I
231:32 was obviously losing my mind when I couldn't stop hearing my dad's voice,
231:35 couldn't stop hearing my dad's voice, right? I took a deep breath, trying my
231:38 right? I took a deep breath, trying my hardest to concentrate on clearing my
231:40 hardest to concentrate on clearing my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to find
231:43 mind. I closed my eyes and tried to find calm, but I could only picture his face,
231:46 calm, but I could only picture his face, which kind of made it hard to breathe. I
231:49 which kind of made it hard to breathe. I threw another pitch. Mickey should punch
231:51 threw another pitch. Mickey should punch you in the face for making him chase
231:53 you in the face for making him chase that trash. I looked out at the stands
231:56 that trash. I looked out at the stands at the spot behind home where he'd
231:58 at the spot behind home where he'd always stood, but no one was there. Of
232:01 always stood, but no one was there. Of course not, because he's dead, you
232:04 course not, because he's dead, you psycho. I was going to blow it. God damn
232:07 psycho. I was going to blow it. God damn it.
232:15 Chapter 16. I love you. I knew it the minute I met
232:18 I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to
232:20 you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up.
232:22 catch up. Silver linings playbook.
232:25 Silver linings playbook. Liz,
232:28 Liz, why does he look like that?
232:31 why does he look like that? >> Like what?
232:32 >> Like what? >> Clark was on my left filming and I was
232:35 >> Clark was on my left filming and I was crouched over by the visitors dugout
232:37 crouched over by the visitors dugout with my camera.
232:39 with my camera. like he isn't pitching. I said my zoom
232:43 like he isn't pitching. I said my zoom fully engaged on Wes's face.
232:46 fully engaged on Wes's face. He always looks like he's going to
232:47 He always looks like he's going to murder someone when he's throwing, but
232:49 murder someone when he's throwing, but today he looks like he needs a nap.
232:52 today he looks like he needs a nap. Clark made a noise like he found that
232:54 Clark made a noise like he found that funny.
232:56 funny. I don't know what that means.
232:59 I don't know what that means. I watched as Wes threw another ball that
233:01 I watched as Wes threw another ball that Mickey had to chase. and I could sense
233:04 Mickey had to chase. and I could sense in the dugout across from me that the
233:05 in the dugout across from me that the coaches who appeared to be standing
233:07 coaches who appeared to be standing around doing nothing were actually
233:09 around doing nothing were actually watching closely.
233:11 watching closely. I looked through the camera and could
233:13 I looked through the camera and could almost see the doubt about the new
233:15 almost see the doubt about the new freshman lefty. It had that vibe like
233:19 freshman lefty. It had that vibe like they were watching something fall apart
233:20 they were watching something fall apart and didn't quite know what to do.
233:23 and didn't quite know what to do. [ __ ]
233:25 [ __ ] Regardless of my feelings for him, I
233:28 Regardless of my feelings for him, I didn't want him to fail.
233:31 didn't want him to fail. It means he needs to find whatever
233:33 It means he needs to find whatever always pissed him off on the mound," I
233:35 always pissed him off on the mound," I said, feeling panicked as Wes looked
233:38 said, feeling panicked as Wes looked nothing like the way he'd looked every
233:40 nothing like the way he'd looked every time I'd ever seen him pitch or
233:43 time I'd ever seen him pitch or something.
233:45 something. I wasn't sure why, but I felt anxious.
233:48 I wasn't sure why, but I felt anxious. Like anxious to the point where I wanted
233:50 Like anxious to the point where I wanted to talk to him, to find something I
233:52 to talk to him, to find something I could say to remind him to chill the
233:54 could say to remind him to chill the hell out and just do what he knew how to
233:56 hell out and just do what he knew how to do.
233:58 do. just pitch Wes.
234:01 just pitch Wes. I didn't know him anymore and had no
234:03 I didn't know him anymore and had no idea what was going on in his head, but
234:05 idea what was going on in his head, but it was obvious that his issue was there.
234:09 it was obvious that his issue was there. He still had the talent and mechanics,
234:11 He still had the talent and mechanics, but he was clearly sabotaging himself,
234:15 but he was clearly sabotaging himself, which honestly wasn't surprising.
234:18 which honestly wasn't surprising. Right after his dad died, when his
234:20 Right after his dad died, when his coaches wanted to know when he'd be
234:21 coaches wanted to know when he'd be coming back to school, Wes kind of lost
234:24 coming back to school, Wes kind of lost it. I vividly remember the panic in his
234:27 it. I vividly remember the panic in his eyes as he told me on a FaceTime call
234:31 eyes as he told me on a FaceTime call that he didn't think he could even look
234:32 that he didn't think he could even look at a baseball now that his dad was gone,
234:34 at a baseball now that his dad was gone, much less throw one.
234:37 much less throw one. The idea of it made him physically ill.
234:40 The idea of it made him physically ill. So that had to be what this was, not the
234:42 So that had to be what this was, not the actual pitching itself.
234:45 actual pitching itself. He had to know that, right? I mean, of
234:47 He had to know that, right? I mean, of course he did. But what if he didn't in
234:50 course he did. But what if he didn't in this moment?
234:52 this moment? I set down the camera, reached into my
234:54 I set down the camera, reached into my bag, and ripped a page out of my
234:56 bag, and ripped a page out of my notebook. "Can you do me a huge favor?"
234:59 notebook. "Can you do me a huge favor?" I asked Clark, digging out a pen. I knew
235:02 I asked Clark, digging out a pen. I knew my words probably wouldn't help because
235:04 my words probably wouldn't help because he had an entire coaching staff with all
235:06 he had an entire coaching staff with all the baseball wisdom in the world to
235:08 the baseball wisdom in the world to share with him. But I was compelled to
235:10 share with him. But I was compelled to do something to try to help him just in
235:13 do something to try to help him just in case. I scrolled out a sentence, then
235:16 case. I scrolled out a sentence, then folded the paper in half.
235:19 folded the paper in half. >> What do you need? Clark lowered his
235:21 >> What do you need? Clark lowered his camera and looked over at me.
235:24 camera and looked over at me. I need you to run this over to the
235:25 I need you to run this over to the dugout and give it to Wes Bennett when
235:27 dugout and give it to Wes Bennett when he comes off the field. It was insane.
235:30 he comes off the field. It was insane. Both that I thought my words about
235:32 Both that I thought my words about baseball could help and also that I was
235:35 baseball could help and also that I was trying to help the jackass who'd broken
235:37 trying to help the jackass who'd broken my heart, but I couldn't stop myself.
235:40 my heart, but I couldn't stop myself. This wasn't about us after all. It was
235:42 This wasn't about us after all. It was about like UCLA sports.
235:46 about like UCLA sports. I was going to move over there for the
235:48 I was going to move over there for the first pitch. So, sure, he said, his eyes
235:52 first pitch. So, sure, he said, his eyes narrowed.
235:54 narrowed. But are you sure you want your boyfriend
235:56 But are you sure you want your boyfriend to be the one passing notes to your ex?
235:59 to be the one passing notes to your ex? It's not a love note, I said, suddenly
236:02 It's not a love note, I said, suddenly nervous as hell about what I was about
236:04 nervous as hell about what I was about to do. It was a terrible idea reaching
236:07 to do. It was a terrible idea reaching out to West Bennett, but I somehow felt
236:10 out to West Bennett, but I somehow felt like I needed to.
236:12 like I needed to. So, I think it'll be fine.
236:15 So, I think it'll be fine. Then I'm on it,"
236:16 Then I'm on it," >> he said, taking the paper from my
236:18 >> he said, taking the paper from my fingers before walking away. When the
236:22 fingers before walking away. When the team started coming off the field, I
236:24 team started coming off the field, I pretended to be taking shots while I
236:26 pretended to be taking shots while I watched Wes through the camera lens. He
236:28 watched Wes through the camera lens. He dropped his glove onto the bench and
236:30 dropped his glove onto the bench and grabbed a bottle of water, his face full
236:32 grabbed a bottle of water, his face full of tension.
236:34 of tension. Where the hell is Clark?
236:37 Where the hell is Clark? I kept watching the voyer with the
236:39 I kept watching the voyer with the camera as Wes squirted water into his
236:42 camera as Wes squirted water into his mouth, his throat moving around a
236:44 mouth, his throat moving around a swallow that was wildly distracting.
236:47 swallow that was wildly distracting. Why is that distracting?
236:50 Why is that distracting? My heart was racing. Oh god. When Clark
236:53 My heart was racing. Oh god. When Clark appeared beside him, I couldn't read his
236:56 appeared beside him, I couldn't read his lips, but as Clark spoke to Wes, I had
237:00 lips, but as Clark spoke to Wes, I had regrets.
237:01 regrets. Maybe I shouldn't have sent him into the
237:03 Maybe I shouldn't have sent him into the dugout. Wes lowered the bottle and
237:05 dugout. Wes lowered the bottle and looked at Clark through narrowed eyes
237:08 looked at Clark through narrowed eyes like he didn't quite understand. But
237:10 like he didn't quite understand. But Clark just kept talking. And then he
237:13 Clark just kept talking. And then he held out the paper. Oh god.
237:23 The paper that I had sent over. Oh my god. I felt shaky as I watched Wes's big
237:27 god. I felt shaky as I watched Wes's big fingers unfold the note. What was I
237:30 fingers unfold the note. What was I thinking? His dark eyes spent a few
237:33 thinking? His dark eyes spent a few moments on the paper, and I felt like a
237:36 moments on the paper, and I felt like a fool, like a ridiculous, childish [ __ ]
237:40 fool, like a ridiculous, childish [ __ ] who thought her inane words about
237:43 who thought her inane words about baseball could somehow help a D1 college
237:45 baseball could somehow help a D1 college pitcher throw himself out of a funk. My
237:49 pitcher throw himself out of a funk. My face was on fire because I was mortified
237:51 face was on fire because I was mortified by my impulsivity.
237:54 by my impulsivity. Wes looked up from the paper and said,
237:56 Wes looked up from the paper and said, "Thanks, man." with a nod before Clark
238:00 "Thanks, man." with a nod before Clark turned and walked away.
238:03 turned and walked away. But as soon as Clark was gone, I watched
238:06 But as soon as Clark was gone, I watched Wes's mouth slide into a slow, wide
238:10 Wes's mouth slide into a slow, wide smirk.
238:12 smirk. That smirk, dear God.
238:15 That smirk, dear God. And then he was looking at me. Even
238:18 And then he was looking at me. Even though the camera was between us as well
238:20 though the camera was between us as well as the home plate portion of the
238:22 as the home plate portion of the infield, his eye contact was intensely
238:25 infield, his eye contact was intensely direct as he mouthed the words.
238:28 direct as he mouthed the words. Thank you to me.
238:32 Thank you to me. I quickly turned my back to him,
238:34 I quickly turned my back to him, unwilling to acknowledge what had just
238:35 unwilling to acknowledge what had just transpired. My face was scorchingly hot
238:38 transpired. My face was scorchingly hot as I started taking shots of the
238:40 as I started taking shots of the outfield, of the fans in the stands, of
238:42 outfield, of the fans in the stands, of anything that wasn't West Bennett. I was
238:45 anything that wasn't West Bennett. I was the world's biggest loser because it was
238:47 the world's biggest loser because it was such a little Liz move. Sending a
238:50 such a little Liz move. Sending a missive via courier to the pitcher in
238:52 missive via courier to the pitcher in the dugout. The little weirdy loved that
238:55 the dugout. The little weirdy loved that stuff and I was mad at myself for
238:57 stuff and I was mad at myself for accidentally doing something she would
238:59 accidentally doing something she would have approved of. But as soon as the
239:01 have approved of. But as soon as the game started, I stopped caring. The
239:04 game started, I stopped caring. The stadium had a first game of the season
239:06 stadium had a first game of the season electricity about it where it seemed
239:09 electricity about it where it seemed like every attendee was watching with
239:10 like every attendee was watching with baited breath in anticipation of what
239:13 baited breath in anticipation of what was about to come.
239:14 was about to come. It was sunny and warm without a cloud in
239:17 It was sunny and warm without a cloud in the sky. And the whole package was a
239:20 the sky. And the whole package was a creator's dream. The perfect setting
239:22 creator's dream. The perfect setting with the perfect action.
239:25 with the perfect action. I was almost overwhelmed by the wealth
239:27 I was almost overwhelmed by the wealth of images in front of me, my hands in a
239:30 of images in front of me, my hands in a frenzy to capture as much as I could. My
239:32 frenzy to capture as much as I could. My camera and I were all over the place,
239:35 camera and I were all over the place, but I froze when power started playing
239:37 but I froze when power started playing over the speakers.
239:39 over the speakers. I turned just in time to see Wes take
239:41 I turned just in time to see Wes take the mound.
239:42 the mound. He was all powerful legs and wide chest
239:45 He was all powerful legs and wide chest as he walked out, big and imposing in
239:48 as he walked out, big and imposing in the pinstriped uniform. He moved like he
239:51 the pinstriped uniform. He moved like he was going to get an easy three or kick
239:54 was going to get an easy three or kick the crap out of any batter who dared to
239:55 the crap out of any batter who dared to make contact.
239:57 make contact. And holy holy [ __ ] he was a sight to
240:00 And holy holy [ __ ] he was a sight to behold.
240:02 behold. Underneath the Bruin blue baseball cap,
240:05 Underneath the Bruin blue baseball cap, his face was a mask of rigid
240:07 his face was a mask of rigid concentration.
240:09 concentration. I was holding my camera but too stunned
240:11 I was holding my camera but too stunned by his walk out to do anything but
240:13 by his walk out to do anything but stare.
240:15 stare. Wes [ __ ] Bennett. Ladies and
240:17 Wes [ __ ] Bennett. Ladies and gentlemen,
240:18 gentlemen, I had zero interest in him, but
240:21 I had zero interest in him, but objectively speaking, he looked like
240:24 objectively speaking, he looked like baseball perfection.
240:26 baseball perfection. I moved to a better vantage point so I
240:28 I moved to a better vantage point so I could get shots of his warm-up throws,
240:31 could get shots of his warm-up throws, which were relaxed and accurate.
240:34 which were relaxed and accurate. So far so good, I thought. But I was
240:37 So far so good, I thought. But I was nervous when the first batter from the
240:39 nervous when the first batter from the other team came out. Again, I had no
240:42 other team came out. Again, I had no skin in Wes's game, but as a fan of all
240:45 skin in Wes's game, but as a fan of all things Bruins, I wanted the team to do
240:47 things Bruins, I wanted the team to do well during their first official outing.
240:49 well during their first official outing. I watched Wes take a breath and trace
240:52 I watched Wes take a breath and trace the seam of the ball and then he kicked
240:55 the seam of the ball and then he kicked up that front leg and it was on. He
240:59 up that front leg and it was on. He threw a fast ball down the middle, then
241:01 threw a fast ball down the middle, then another one, then finished off the first
241:03 another one, then finished off the first batter with a curve ball. That was
241:05 batter with a curve ball. That was ridiculous.
241:06 ridiculous. The fans cheered and I was able to
241:09 The fans cheered and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief as Wes
241:11 breathe a sigh of relief as Wes readjusted his cap while the next batter
241:13 readjusted his cap while the next batter came out. And as I snapped photos of the
241:16 came out. And as I snapped photos of the next two hitters that he made light work
241:18 next two hitters that he made light work of, I realized that my concern for him
241:22 of, I realized that my concern for him was actually a great sign.
241:25 was actually a great sign. It was proof, indisputable evidence that
241:29 It was proof, indisputable evidence that I was light years away from being the
241:31 I was light years away from being the girl he'd once destroyed. Our history
241:34 girl he'd once destroyed. Our history was so far in my past that I was
241:38 was so far in my past that I was genuinely able to cheer for his success.
241:48 Chapter 17. You're in love with me. Why? Beats the
241:52 You're in love with me. Why? Beats the [ __ ] out of me. The ugly truth
241:56 [ __ ] out of me. The ugly truth was.
241:58 was. That felt so damn good. Agreed. I said
242:01 That felt so damn good. Agreed. I said to Mickey as we ran toward the dugout
242:04 to Mickey as we ran toward the dugout and I felt like I was floating. I would
242:06 and I felt like I was floating. I would have liked to be cool and not smile as
242:08 have liked to be cool and not smile as the relaxed crowd cheered for us, but
242:10 the relaxed crowd cheered for us, but that was impossible because I just
242:13 that was impossible because I just pitched a no hitter. Granted, it was a
242:16 pitched a no hitter. Granted, it was a one inning no hitter in an exhibition
242:18 one inning no hitter in an exhibition game, which didn't mean dick, but it
242:21 game, which didn't mean dick, but it felt like 12 innings in the World Series
242:23 felt like 12 innings in the World Series to me. Swear to God, I felt lighter now
242:26 to me. Swear to God, I felt lighter now than I'd felt since moving to LA. Now
242:28 than I'd felt since moving to LA. Now that I'd pitched through the [ __ ]
242:30 that I'd pitched through the [ __ ] [ __ ] fire, Bennett," Ross said
242:33 [ __ ] fire, Bennett," Ross said without looking at me as I stepped down
242:34 without looking at me as I stepped down into the dugout. And those three words
242:37 into the dugout. And those three words meant a lot. I wasn't some little kid
242:39 meant a lot. I wasn't some little kid who needed a father figure now that I no
242:41 who needed a father figure now that I no longer had one. But there was something
242:44 longer had one. But there was something about Ross's opinions and respect. That
242:47 about Ross's opinions and respect. That mattered a hell of a lot to me.
242:49 mattered a hell of a lot to me. "Thanks," I said, throwing down my glove
242:52 "Thanks," I said, throwing down my glove and reaching for a water. I felt like I
242:55 and reaching for a water. I felt like I could do anything because not only had I
242:57 could do anything because not only had I shut down the voices and pitched my
242:59 shut down the voices and pitched my game, but Liz tried to help me. Liz
243:04 game, but Liz tried to help me. Liz tried to help me. Me. I kind of didn't
243:09 tried to help me. Me. I kind of didn't know what to do with that, especially
243:11 know what to do with that, especially when her boyfriend had been the one to
243:12 when her boyfriend had been the one to bring me the note. But I take it because
243:16 bring me the note. But I take it because something about knowing she cared that I
243:18 something about knowing she cared that I was struggling felt important. Not for
243:20 was struggling felt important. Not for her and me in regard to our past or
243:22 her and me in regard to our past or future, but for me. I'd struggled alone
243:26 future, but for me. I'd struggled alone through a lot since my dad died. And it
243:28 through a lot since my dad died. And it felt good to know she was still there.
243:31 felt good to know she was still there. She might be further away, and she might
243:33 She might be further away, and she might not love me anymore, but she was still
243:36 not love me anymore, but she was still [ __ ] there. And that made me feel
243:38 [ __ ] there. And that made me feel closer to whole than I'd felt in years.
243:41 closer to whole than I'd felt in years. After that ending, the rest of the game
243:43 After that ending, the rest of the game was like a party. I stood in the dugout,
243:46 was like a party. I stood in the dugout, leaning on the rail with guys on both
243:47 leaning on the rail with guys on both sides of me. And for the first time
243:49 sides of me. And for the first time since committing the second time around,
243:52 since committing the second time around, it felt like I belonged, like I was
243:54 it felt like I belonged, like I was supposed to be there. I realized at the
243:57 supposed to be there. I realized at the bottom of the ninth as we beat on the
243:59 bottom of the ninth as we beat on the fence when the closer came in that I
244:01 fence when the closer came in that I finally didn't feel like the guy who
244:03 finally didn't feel like the guy who found a way in, but still wasn't sure if
244:05 found a way in, but still wasn't sure if it was going to stick or not. No, it was
244:08 it was going to stick or not. No, it was my team and I wasn't going anywhere.
244:12 my team and I wasn't going anywhere. After the game, I grabbed a quick dinner
244:13 After the game, I grabbed a quick dinner with Sarah before she went to meet up
244:15 with Sarah before she went to meet up with friends she had in LA. It was
244:17 with friends she had in LA. It was laid-back, the perfect ending to the
244:19 laid-back, the perfect ending to the day. And it wouldn't be my sister if she
244:22 day. And it wouldn't be my sister if she didn't butt her nose in and say, "I saw
244:25 didn't butt her nose in and say, "I saw Liz by the dugout, by the way." "Yeah,"
244:28 Liz by the dugout, by the way." "Yeah," I said, rolling my eyes as I finished
244:30 I said, rolling my eyes as I finished the last of my steamed rice. I loved the
244:33 the last of my steamed rice. I loved the boiling crab. We'd come here with my
244:35 boiling crab. We'd come here with my parents on my first college visit, and I
244:37 parents on my first college visit, and I basically wanted to lick my plate clean
244:39 basically wanted to lick my plate clean every time. "Congratulations on having
244:42 every time. "Congratulations on having eyes." Thanks," she said, grinning as
244:45 eyes." Thanks," she said, grinning as she lifted her last crab leg. "But what
244:48 she lifted her last crab leg. "But what are you waiting for with her, Wes? Why
244:50 are you waiting for with her, Wes? Why don't you sh" I interrupted, flicking
244:54 don't you sh" I interrupted, flicking her crab leg so it fell onto her plate.
244:56 her crab leg so it fell onto her plate. "Save the bossiness for tomorrow. Don't
244:59 "Save the bossiness for tomorrow. Don't ruin my moment." "Damn it, Wes," she
245:02 ruin my moment." "Damn it, Wes," she said around a laugh as she retrieved the
245:04 said around a laugh as she retrieved the leg. The truth was that I doubted
245:07 leg. The truth was that I doubted anything could hack the raging buzz I
245:09 anything could hack the raging buzz I had from the one-two punch of good
245:10 had from the one-two punch of good baseball on Liz Bucks. I was on top of
245:13 baseball on Liz Bucks. I was on top of the world. And even though I knew she'd
245:15 the world. And even though I knew she'd be excited about it, I couldn't bring
245:18 be excited about it, I couldn't bring myself to tell Sarah about the note
245:20 myself to tell Sarah about the note because what if she found a way to
245:22 because what if she found a way to explain it away? That note was on a
245:25 explain it away? That note was on a piece of paper that came from Liz's
245:26 piece of paper that came from Liz's notebook. She loved notebooks and
245:29 notebook. She loved notebooks and usually had no less than six going at
245:31 usually had no less than six going at once. Was folded by Liz's fingers, the
245:34 once. Was folded by Liz's fingers, the same ones that had danced magic over
245:36 same ones that had danced magic over piano keys while I begged for more and
245:39 piano keys while I begged for more and was handed off by Liz's grip that I
245:42 was handed off by Liz's grip that I could still feel on my shoulders to be
245:44 could still feel on my shoulders to be sent to me. To me. I didn't want it to
245:49 sent to me. To me. I didn't want it to make sense to be honest because it felt
245:52 make sense to be honest because it felt like a beginning. Fine, but I think
245:55 like a beginning. Fine, but I think you're a [ __ ] for not saying anything
245:56 you're a [ __ ] for not saying anything when she's right there, she said. She
245:59 when she's right there, she said. She took a bite before adding. You are a
246:02 took a bite before adding. You are a fool for pressing your nose against the
246:03 fool for pressing your nose against the glass when there's still a chance you
246:05 glass when there's still a chance you can have that donut. You did not just
246:07 can have that donut. You did not just call her a donut. Just because there's
246:10 call her a donut. Just because there's another customer inside the bakery with
246:12 another customer inside the bakery with your donut in his cart doesn't mean you
246:13 your donut in his cart doesn't mean you can't still grab it. Pastries are fair
246:16 can't still grab it. Pastries are fair game until they hit the conveyor belt. I
246:19 game until they hit the conveyor belt. I I stopped and dropped my fork, shaking
246:22 I stopped and dropped my fork, shaking my head. It was hard not to laugh all
246:24 my head. It was hard not to laugh all the time when dealing with Sarah because
246:25 the time when dealing with Sarah because she was so Sarah.
246:29 she was so Sarah. I'm not sure if I should be concerned
246:30 I'm not sure if I should be concerned about your intensity for baked goods,
246:33 about your intensity for baked goods, horrified you're wielding such terrible
246:35 horrified you're wielding such terrible analogies, or focused on straightening
246:37 analogies, or focused on straightening you out. All of the above, probably, she
246:40 you out. All of the above, probably, she said, shrugging. Also, I have regrets
246:43 said, shrugging. Also, I have regrets because I think donut could be a
246:45 because I think donut could be a euphemism for something nasty, but I'm
246:47 euphemism for something nasty, but I'm not sure. You're an idiot, I laughed,
246:50 not sure. You're an idiot, I laughed, reaching for one of her fries.
246:53 reaching for one of her fries. After she dropped me off, I decided not
246:55 After she dropped me off, I decided not to go out with the guys. I wanted to
246:57 to go out with the guys. I wanted to savor the waning hours of the memorable
246:59 savor the waning hours of the memorable day. So, instead of hitting a party, I
247:02 day. So, instead of hitting a party, I hit the steps outside my dorm. I leaned
247:04 hit the steps outside my dorm. I leaned back on my elbows and looked up at the
247:06 back on my elbows and looked up at the dark sky, soaking in the warmth of the
247:09 dark sky, soaking in the warmth of the Westwood night as the quiet sounds of
247:11 Westwood night as the quiet sounds of Saturday night on the hill played around
247:13 Saturday night on the hill played around me. I pulled out my phone and scrolled
247:15 me. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I got to her.
247:18 through my contacts until I got to her. Libby. I had deleted all previous
247:21 Libby. I had deleted all previous messages after the breakup, mostly
247:23 messages after the breakup, mostly because I knew I'd never stop rereading
247:25 because I knew I'd never stop rereading them like a favorite book. I could see
247:27 them like a favorite book. I could see myself as an 85-year-old man, no longer
247:30 myself as an 85-year-old man, no longer communicating in any language other than
247:32 communicating in any language other than recycled bucks bomb if I didn't make it
247:34 recycled bucks bomb if I didn't make it disappear. I looked at her name and
247:36 disappear. I looked at her name and paused, wondering if I should do it.
247:39 paused, wondering if I should do it. "What the hell?" I muttered to myself,
247:42 "What the hell?" I muttered to myself, then thumbmed out a message. "Is this
247:44 then thumbmed out a message. "Is this still your number, Bucks Balm?"
247:46 still your number, Bucks Balm?" I don't know what I expected, but it
247:48 I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't immediate conversation bubbles.
247:51 wasn't immediate conversation bubbles. Holy [ __ ] I sat up straight, staring at
247:54 Holy [ __ ] I sat up straight, staring at the bright phone in the darkness. But
247:57 the bright phone in the darkness. But the bubbles disappeared almost
247:58 the bubbles disappeared almost immediately.
248:00 immediately. Is it her? It has to be her, right?
248:04 Is it her? It has to be her, right? People didn't actually get new phone
248:06 People didn't actually get new phone numbers, did they? I sat there with my
248:09 numbers, did they? I sat there with my phone in my hand for a long time
248:11 phone in my hand for a long time waiting, but she never responded. Not
248:14 waiting, but she never responded. Not that I'd expected her to. But after the
248:17 that I'd expected her to. But after the note, it suddenly felt like anything was
248:19 note, it suddenly felt like anything was possible,
248:22 possible, which explained why on Monday, the smell
248:25 which explained why on Monday, the smell of her perfume had me searching for her
248:26 of her perfume had me searching for her in the hallway as I walked out of Chem.
248:29 in the hallway as I walked out of Chem. Thousands of people in the world
248:30 Thousands of people in the world probably wore that scent, but the second
248:33 probably wore that scent, but the second it found my nose, my eyes were on the
248:34 it found my nose, my eyes were on the hunt for red hair. And that old song
248:37 hunt for red hair. And that old song found my head. You got anesthesia in
248:40 found my head. You got anesthesia in your Chanel number five. I squeezed
248:43 your Chanel number five. I squeezed around the girl in front of me who was
248:44 around the girl in front of me who was slow exiting CS50 while looking down at
248:47 slow exiting CS50 while looking down at her phone. And as soon as I cleared her,
248:50 her phone. And as soon as I cleared her, holy [ __ ] there she was, Liz. I almost
248:55 holy [ __ ] there she was, Liz. I almost didn't believe it. She was actually
248:58 didn't believe it. She was actually there. She was standing by the wall on
249:01 there. She was standing by the wall on the other side of the doors, watching on
249:03 the other side of the doors, watching on tiptoes as the people poured out of the
249:04 tiptoes as the people poured out of the lecture hall, like she was looking for
249:07 lecture hall, like she was looking for someone. I had to force myself not to
249:09 someone. I had to force myself not to grin as I went straight for her.
249:12 grin as I went straight for her. Can I help you find someone? Bucks bomb.
249:15 Can I help you find someone? Bucks bomb. She hadn't seen me coming, so she looked
249:17 She hadn't seen me coming, so she looked at me in surprise.
249:19 at me in surprise. Oh, um, hey, Wes. I can't believe you're
249:23 Oh, um, hey, Wes. I can't believe you're stalking me already, I said, reaching
249:25 stalking me already, I said, reaching out a hand to mess with her hair. And we
249:28 out a hand to mess with her hair. And we just reconnected.
249:30 just reconnected. Haha, she said, but she didn't roll her
249:33 Haha, she said, but she didn't roll her eyes. And she didn't smack my hand. No.
249:38 eyes. And she didn't smack my hand. No. Liz tucked her hair behind her ears and
249:40 Liz tucked her hair behind her ears and said, "I actually was waiting for you."
249:44 said, "I actually was waiting for you." "Oh, what's this?" Something shot
249:47 "Oh, what's this?" Something shot through my body. "Happiness, maybe?" as
249:50 through my body. "Happiness, maybe?" as I committed to memory the way Liz
249:51 I committed to memory the way Liz Bugbomb looked on the day she'd shown up
249:53 Bugbomb looked on the day she'd shown up at my building to wait for me. "Long
249:55 at my building to wait for me. "Long curls, pink lips, white cardigan, white
249:58 curls, pink lips, white cardigan, white jeans. Do you have 5 minutes?" she
250:01 jeans. Do you have 5 minutes?" she asked, leaning in a little like she
250:03 asked, leaning in a little like she didn't want anyone to hear her. I just
250:06 didn't want anyone to hear her. I just need to run something by you really
250:08 need to run something by you really quickly. Did I have 5 minutes for Liz?
250:13 quickly. Did I have 5 minutes for Liz? My entire life, the answer to that had
250:14 My entire life, the answer to that had been something along the lines of hell
250:16 been something along the lines of hell [ __ ] yes. Electricity still shot
250:19 [ __ ] yes. Electricity still shot through every cell in my body when she
250:20 through every cell in my body when she spoke to me. And I was positive that was
250:23 spoke to me. And I was positive that was never going to change. For better or for
250:26 never going to change. For better or for worse. It's workrelated, she added
250:29 worse. It's workrelated, she added breathlessly, as if to make sure I
250:32 breathlessly, as if to make sure I didn't think it was personal. It was
250:34 didn't think it was personal. It was idiotic that something similar to
250:36 idiotic that something similar to disappointment settled in my belly. What
250:39 disappointment settled in my belly. What did you expect? That she was going to
250:41 did you expect? That she was going to tell you she missed you. I mean, of
250:44 tell you she missed you. I mean, of course, it was workrelated.
250:46 course, it was workrelated. I have to get to my next class, I said,
250:49 I have to get to my next class, I said, injecting boredom into my tone so she
250:50 injecting boredom into my tone so she didn't see how pathetic I was, how off
250:53 didn't see how pathetic I was, how off I'd been about what her appearance here
250:54 I'd been about what her appearance here could mean. Is this something your big
250:57 could mean. Is this something your big man can help you with? No, she said, her
251:00 man can help you with? No, she said, her eyes flashing with irritation before she
251:02 eyes flashing with irritation before she plastered on another madeup smile and
251:04 plastered on another madeup smile and said in a weirdly peppy voice. But it's
251:07 said in a weirdly peppy voice. But it's 5 minutes, Wes. Surely you can spare
251:10 5 minutes, Wes. Surely you can spare five tiny minutes. My next class is at
251:13 five tiny minutes. My next class is at Kaplan, I said, curious to know what she
251:16 Kaplan, I said, curious to know what she was up to. If you want to walk with me.
251:19 was up to. If you want to walk with me. Okay, she said, nodding and adjusting
251:21 Okay, she said, nodding and adjusting her backpack. But I could tell that her
251:23 her backpack. But I could tell that her mind was going a million miles an hour.
251:26 mind was going a million miles an hour. We didn't talk as we walked through the
251:28 We didn't talk as we walked through the crowded hallway, but once we stepped
251:30 crowded hallway, but once we stepped outside, she cleared her throat and
251:32 outside, she cleared her throat and repeated, "Okay."
251:34 repeated, "Okay." I glanced over at her, well, down and
251:37 I glanced over at her, well, down and over because she seemed shorter all of a
251:39 over because she seemed shorter all of a sudden. As we walked on top of the red
251:41 sudden. As we walked on top of the red bricks of the courtyard, and something
251:43 bricks of the courtyard, and something about the moment slapped me with a
251:45 about the moment slapped me with a homesickness so strong, I nearly
251:47 homesickness so strong, I nearly stumbled. How was the strength of my
251:50 stumbled. How was the strength of my want still so overpowering?
251:52 want still so overpowering? I mean, the setting was messing with me
251:54 I mean, the setting was messing with me for sure. The tall trees lining the
251:57 for sure. The tall trees lining the sidewalk, the stone buildings, the
251:59 sidewalk, the stone buildings, the immaculate fall vibes as students walked
252:02 immaculate fall vibes as students walked to class in the warm afternoon sun. This
252:04 to class in the warm afternoon sun. This was everything we'd experienced the
252:06 was everything we'd experienced the first time around. Those Polaroid days
252:09 first time around. Those Polaroid days of our first week at UCLA.
252:11 of our first week at UCLA. I piggybacked her down this very path
252:13 I piggybacked her down this very path when her shoes gave her blisters, and
252:15 when her shoes gave her blisters, and she joked that we were like Jess and
252:16 she joked that we were like Jess and Rory at Yale. if Jess had wanted to go
252:19 Rory at Yale. if Jess had wanted to go to Yale and Yale was hot and had leaves
252:21 to Yale and Yale was hot and had leaves that only turned marginally yellow. She
252:24 that only turned marginally yellow. She decided in between to what she called
252:26 decided in between to what she called our West Liz montage. "Knock it off."
252:30 our West Liz montage. "Knock it off." "Thank you for letting me talk to you,"
252:32 "Thank you for letting me talk to you," she said politely, looking like she was
252:34 she said politely, looking like she was about to launch into a prepared
252:36 about to launch into a prepared presentation. "I promised to stay under
252:38 presentation. "I promised to stay under 5 minutes." "See that you do," I said,
252:42 5 minutes." "See that you do," I said, looking away from her at the space in
252:43 looking away from her at the space in front of us as we walked. the damn
252:46 front of us as we walked. the damn lyrics ribboning around the campus
252:47 lyrics ribboning around the campus trees. He hates it when she's crying. He
252:51 trees. He hates it when she's crying. He hates when she's away. Even at their
252:53 hates when she's away. Even at their worst, they know they'll still be okay.
252:57 worst, they know they'll still be okay. Of course, she said, going even harder
253:00 Of course, she said, going even harder on the manners. So, here's the thing. I
253:03 on the manners. So, here's the thing. I know Lilith has reached out to you about
253:06 know Lilith has reached out to you about doing another interview, and I totally
253:08 doing another interview, and I totally understand why you declined. You do? I
253:12 understand why you declined. You do? I said calmly, more as a statement than a
253:14 said calmly, more as a statement than a question as I struggled to digest what
253:16 question as I struggled to digest what she just said. Was she seriously here to
253:19 she just said. Was she seriously here to try to talk me into doing Lilith's
253:21 try to talk me into doing Lilith's interview? That was what brought her to
253:23 interview? That was what brought her to my side of campus to convince me I
253:26 my side of campus to convince me I should tell my story of overcoming
253:28 should tell my story of overcoming adversity so the athletic department
253:30 adversity so the athletic department could get more clicks.
253:32 could get more clicks. I mean, I totally get wanting to keep
253:35 I mean, I totally get wanting to keep your personal life private, she said.
253:38 your personal life private, she said. But she really just wants to talk about
253:40 But she really just wants to talk about how you came to be at UCLA and on the
253:43 how you came to be at UCLA and on the baseball team. Again, that's not really
253:46 baseball team. Again, that's not really so private, is it? I kept walking
253:50 so private, is it? I kept walking knowing she was probably right, but
253:52 knowing she was probably right, but still feeling apprehensive as hell.
253:55 still feeling apprehensive as hell. Because not only did I not want to
253:56 Because not only did I not want to revisit that time in my life, but there
253:59 revisit that time in my life, but there was also a lot of stuff that went down
254:00 was also a lot of stuff that went down in my family that I really didn't want
254:02 in my family that I really didn't want to share with the public. In the past,
254:05 to share with the public. In the past, when faced with awkward silence, Liz
254:08 when faced with awkward silence, Liz tended to ramble. Apparently, my lack of
254:11 tended to ramble. Apparently, my lack of response triggered that reaction in her
254:13 response triggered that reaction in her because she launched into a babbling
254:15 because she launched into a babbling sales pitch, going on and on about how
254:17 sales pitch, going on and on about how nice it would be for me to be able to
254:19 nice it would be for me to be able to share what happened with the world. When
254:21 share what happened with the world. When we got to Kaplan and stopped walking,
254:23 we got to Kaplan and stopped walking, she finished with, "It's an incredible
254:26 she finished with, "It's an incredible story, the way it all transpired, and I
254:29 story, the way it all transpired, and I think it would be really cool for you to
254:30 think it would be really cool for you to share it." "What's incredible about it
254:33 share it." "What's incredible about it exactly?" I asked. "What?" She looked
254:37 exactly?" I asked. "What?" She looked surprised by that question. her eyebrows
254:40 surprised by that question. her eyebrows crinkling. "I'm just wondering what you
254:43 crinkling. "I'm just wondering what you know about my inspirational story," I
254:46 know about my inspirational story," I said as I realized I had no idea what
254:48 said as I realized I had no idea what she knew about my return and why you
254:50 she knew about my return and why you think it's inspiring at all. She pressed
254:53 think it's inspiring at all. She pressed her lips together and looked at me, her
254:55 her lips together and looked at me, her eyebrows scrunched as the breeze lifted
254:57 eyebrows scrunched as the breeze lifted the tips of her copper hair. "God, I
255:00 the tips of her copper hair. "God, I love those freckles." She sighed, pushed
255:03 love those freckles." She sighed, pushed at her hair, and admitted, "To be
255:06 at her hair, and admitted, "To be honest, I don't know anything, but if
255:09 honest, I don't know anything, but if Lilith thinks it's a good story, then
255:11 Lilith thinks it's a good story, then it's a good story." So, she'd never been
255:14 it's a good story." So, she'd never been curious enough about me to look. Noted.
255:18 curious enough about me to look. Noted. Who the hell is Lilith anyway? I asked,
255:21 Who the hell is Lilith anyway? I asked, unable to hide the irritation. I don't
255:23 unable to hide the irritation. I don't think I've even met her, yet she always
255:25 think I've even met her, yet she always seems to be in my inbox. She's my boss.
255:29 seems to be in my inbox. She's my boss. I'm her intern. Oh, well, that clears it
255:32 I'm her intern. Oh, well, that clears it up. I could tell by the way Liz raised
255:34 up. I could tell by the way Liz raised her chin that she didn't feel like
255:36 her chin that she didn't feel like elaborating. So, I said, "Well, I
255:39 elaborating. So, I said, "Well, I appreciate you crossing campus to do her
255:41 appreciate you crossing campus to do her dirty work, but please tell her no thank
255:44 dirty work, but please tell her no thank you." "No, thank you." She repeated
255:48 you." "No, thank you." She repeated slowly, obviously surprised I didn't
255:50 slowly, obviously surprised I didn't cave, she cleared her throat and said,
255:54 cave, she cleared her throat and said, "So, no, then you won't consider it at
255:57 "So, no, then you won't consider it at all." Nope," I said, allowing myself to
256:00 all." Nope," I said, allowing myself to stare into her eyes for a second under
256:02 stare into her eyes for a second under the guise of polite eye contact. "My
256:05 the guise of polite eye contact. "My happy place." "Why not?" she asked, her
256:09 happy place." "Why not?" she asked, her eyebrows going down. "I promise that
256:11 eyebrows going down. "I promise that will give you total control during the
256:13 will give you total control during the interview, and this will give you the
256:15 interview, and this will give you the chance to make your story what you want
256:16 chance to make your story what you want it to be." I shrugged, knowing my story
256:20 it to be." I shrugged, knowing my story would always be the story I didn't want
256:21 would always be the story I didn't want it to be because it centered on my dad's
256:23 it to be because it centered on my dad's death. "I just don't. What can I say to
256:27 death. "I just don't. What can I say to convince you? She asked, sounding and
256:31 convince you? She asked, sounding and looking a little desperate. We'll let
256:33 looking a little desperate. We'll let you review the footage. We'll cut
256:35 you review the footage. We'll cut anything you want us to cut. We'll
256:36 anything you want us to cut. We'll reshoot. I'm not doing it, I
256:38 reshoot. I'm not doing it, I interrupted, hoping she'd just accept it
256:40 interrupted, hoping she'd just accept it and move on. Why won't you at least
256:43 and move on. Why won't you at least consider it? She asked, her pitch rising
256:46 consider it? She asked, her pitch rising in frustration. It's one tiny interview,
256:49 in frustration. It's one tiny interview, Wes, that I would like to pass on, I
256:52 Wes, that I would like to pass on, I repeated. But thank you, God," she said,
256:56 repeated. But thank you, God," she said, then continued through clenched teeth.
256:58 then continued through clenched teeth. "Why are you so stubborn about this? Why
257:01 "Why are you so stubborn about this? Why are you so hellbent on making sure it
257:03 are you so hellbent on making sure it happens?" I asked. And as soon as I said
257:06 happens?" I asked. And as soon as I said it, I realized that was it. The thing
257:09 it, I realized that was it. The thing that I was missing. I seriously doubt
257:12 that I was missing. I seriously doubt that you care to hear my making it back
257:13 that you care to hear my making it back to LA story, so what's the deal? She
257:16 to LA story, so what's the deal? She blinked fast. I just think your
257:19 blinked fast. I just think your experience [ __ ] I interrupted. She
257:22 experience [ __ ] I interrupted. She blinked faster. "Don't you want to
257:24 blinked faster. "Don't you want to tell?" "No," I bit out, running a hand
257:27 tell?" "No," I bit out, running a hand over my head. "What's in this for you,
257:30 over my head. "What's in this for you, Liz? Why are you trying so hard to talk
257:32 Liz? Why are you trying so hard to talk me into it?" "Because I don't want to
257:34 me into it?" "Because I don't want to let Lilith down, okay?" she said, her
257:38 let Lilith down, okay?" she said, her voice rising as she squinted into the
257:40 voice rising as she squinted into the sun. "I don't expect you to care. But
257:43 sun. "I don't expect you to care. But Lilith is like a really big deal in the
257:45 Lilith is like a really big deal in the industry. She has a million connections
257:47 industry. She has a million connections that can mean everything for my career
257:49 that can mean everything for my career someday. So, if I have a chance to do
257:51 someday. So, if I have a chance to do her a favor, I am going to be hellbent
257:54 her a favor, I am going to be hellbent on making it happen. Her cheeks were
257:56 on making it happen. Her cheeks were red, her eyes hot, and my chest was
257:59 red, her eyes hot, and my chest was burning as I watched her crackle.
258:01 burning as I watched her crackle. "Please, just consider starting the
258:03 "Please, just consider starting the interview," she said, reaching out her
258:06 interview," she said, reaching out her hand and setting it on my arm, squeezing
258:09 hand and setting it on my arm, squeezing just the smallest amount, the physical
258:11 just the smallest amount, the physical manifestation of her knee to convince
258:13 manifestation of her knee to convince me. "Did she even realize she was
258:16 me. "Did she even realize she was touching me? If it's too intrusive, you
258:19 touching me? If it's too intrusive, you can stop, but at least try.
258:23 can stop, but at least try. I still didn't want to do it, but I
258:25 I still didn't want to do it, but I couldn't deny Liz what she wanted. I was
258:28 couldn't deny Liz what she wanted. I was a weak, weak man. I looked into the eyes
258:31 a weak, weak man. I looked into the eyes that I saw every night when I closed my
258:33 that I saw every night when I closed my own and said, "Okay,
258:36 own and said, "Okay, I'll do it."
258:45 Chapter 18. As you wish.
258:47 As you wish. the princess bride.
258:50 the princess bride. Liz,
258:57 what? I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. You seriously will?
259:00 You seriously will? I couldn't believe it. When Lilith asked
259:03 I couldn't believe it. When Lilith asked me that morning if I'd be willing to
259:04 me that morning if I'd be willing to talk to Wes for her to put in a good
259:07 talk to Wes for her to put in a good word and convince my old friend to
259:10 word and convince my old friend to consent to the interview that he'd
259:12 consent to the interview that he'd refused multiple times. Apparently,
259:15 refused multiple times. Apparently, I knew it was a terrible idea.
259:19 I knew it was a terrible idea. Wes would either mess with me for
259:21 Wes would either mess with me for funsies or just straight up refuse.
259:23 funsies or just straight up refuse. Either way, I wouldn't get the win for
259:25 Either way, I wouldn't get the win for Lilith.
259:27 Lilith. But here he stood, his dark eyes serious
259:30 But here he stood, his dark eyes serious as he watched me, almost like no one
259:34 as he watched me, almost like no one else was there, like he couldn't see the
259:37 else was there, like he couldn't see the people going around us and into Kaplan.
259:39 people going around us and into Kaplan. And his only thought was on me and our
259:42 And his only thought was on me and our conversation.
259:44 conversation. He said, "Yes,
259:48 He said, "Yes, but under one condition."
259:50 but under one condition." I inhaled through my nose, trying to
259:53 I inhaled through my nose, trying to snort some patience because here it was.
259:57 snort some patience because here it was. Knowing Wes, this condition was going to
260:00 Knowing Wes, this condition was going to make my life hell.
260:02 make my life hell. I looked up at him and said,
260:05 I looked up at him and said, "What's the condition?"
260:08 "What's the condition?" He said, "I'll do the interview,
260:12 He said, "I'll do the interview, but only if you ask the questions."
260:15 but only if you ask the questions." "But that's Lilith's job," I said,
260:19 "But that's Lilith's job," I said, ignoring whatever wildness was going on
260:20 ignoring whatever wildness was going on in my stomach as Wes spoke to me with
260:22 in my stomach as Wes spoke to me with the kind of intense eye contact that
260:25 the kind of intense eye contact that would have dropped a weaker version of
260:27 would have dropped a weaker version of Liz.
260:28 Liz. I let go of his arm. When had I even
260:31 I let go of his arm. When had I even grabbed it and said, "I can't do that."
260:37 grabbed it and said, "I can't do that." then I can't do the interview," he said,
260:40 then I can't do the interview," he said, shrugging as if he didn't care before
260:42 shrugging as if he didn't care before turning and walking away from me. "I
260:45 turning and walking away from me. "I seriously can't tell my award-winning
260:47 seriously can't tell my award-winning filmmaker of a boss that I'm doing the
260:49 filmmaker of a boss that I'm doing the interview for her documentary." "Come
260:52 interview for her documentary." "Come on," I yelled at his back, trying to
260:55 on," I yelled at his back, trying to convince him. "And why would you want
260:58 convince him. "And why would you want that? She's way better than I'll ever
261:00 that? She's way better than I'll ever be."
261:02 be." But I trust you," he said, turning
261:05 But I trust you," he said, turning around and walking backward. "I don't
261:07 around and walking backward. "I don't want to discuss this with anyone ever.
261:11 want to discuss this with anyone ever. But if I have to, I'd choose you over
261:13 But if I have to, I'd choose you over anyone else. I trust you."
261:17 anyone else. I trust you." It hurt how hard that sentence smacked
261:20 It hurt how hard that sentence smacked me because he shouldn't.
261:24 me because he shouldn't. He didn't deserve to trust me. I choose
261:27 He didn't deserve to trust me. I choose you over anyone else.
261:30 you over anyone else. And he hadn't chosen me. Not in the
261:33 And he hadn't chosen me. Not in the past. Not when it mattered.
261:37 past. Not when it mattered. For some reason, his calm words that
261:40 For some reason, his calm words that should have felt nice to hear. Maybe I
261:44 should have felt nice to hear. Maybe I guess knocked me a little off my
261:47 guess knocked me a little off my foundation,
261:48 foundation, making me wobbly.
261:51 making me wobbly. It's all in the past, I reminded myself.
261:55 It's all in the past, I reminded myself. Now we were just two people who used to
261:57 Now we were just two people who used to know each other.
261:59 know each other. I took a deep breath and said,
262:02 I took a deep breath and said, "I can ask her. I suppose."
262:07 "I can ask her. I suppose." "Yeah," he said, nodding. You should do
262:12 "Yeah," he said, nodding. You should do that.
262:13 that. "Okay.
262:15 "Okay. Um
262:16 Um I was rattled when I said, "When are you
262:20 I was rattled when I said, "When are you available to do it?"
262:22 available to do it?" He stopped at the bottom of the stairs
262:24 He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and crossed his arms, watching me with
262:27 and crossed his arms, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face.
262:30 an unreadable expression on his face. I'll have to check and get back to you.
262:32 I'll have to check and get back to you. Do you still have the same number?
262:35 Do you still have the same number? Oh, God.
262:37 Oh, God. We both knew what he was asking. Wes was
262:40 We both knew what he was asking. Wes was asking if I'd gotten the text he had
262:42 asking if I'd gotten the text he had sent the other night.
262:44 sent the other night. "Yes," I said, my voice barely audible.
262:49 "Yes," I said, my voice barely audible. because the emotions that had run
262:51 because the emotions that had run through me when I'd seen his name on my
262:53 through me when I'd seen his name on my phone had been almost too much. Wesy
262:56 phone had been almost too much. Wesy McBennett face. It was like getting a
262:59 McBennett face. It was like getting a text from a dead person and I'd been
263:01 text from a dead person and I'd been offkilter the rest of the weekend
263:04 offkilter the rest of the weekend because what could he have possibly
263:05 because what could he have possibly wanted?
263:07 wanted? Probably to thank me for trying to help
263:09 Probably to thank me for trying to help him during the game.
263:11 him during the game. That was what I told myself. But the
263:14 That was what I told myself. But the part of me that thought things like,
263:16 part of me that thought things like, "What if it was something else?" was
263:19 "What if it was something else?" was still frazzled days later.
263:22 still frazzled days later. I took a deep breath and met his eyes.
263:26 I took a deep breath and met his eyes. God,
263:28 God, the way he was watching me made
263:29 the way he was watching me made butterflies go wild in my stomach
263:32 butterflies go wild in my stomach because he looked at me like he knew me
263:34 because he looked at me like he knew me better than anyone else in the world.
263:37 better than anyone else in the world. Like he was seeing my every thought and
263:39 Like he was seeing my every thought and remembering our every moment. His gaze
263:43 remembering our every moment. His gaze not only saw through me, but it wrapped
263:46 not only saw through me, but it wrapped itself around me like a pair of strong
263:48 itself around me like a pair of strong arms.
263:50 arms. His gaze was more than familiar.
263:53 His gaze was more than familiar. His gaze was home.
263:56 His gaze was home. His gaze was backyard bonfires and late
263:59 His gaze was backyard bonfires and late night phone calls and cross-country road
264:02 night phone calls and cross-country road trips that led to hotel rooms with soft
264:06 trips that led to hotel rooms with soft sheets and cool, heavy comforters.
264:10 sheets and cool, heavy comforters. Sad songs in a hotel room started in my
264:12 Sad songs in a hotel room started in my head as I clenched my fists.
264:16 head as I clenched my fists. He had no right to look at me that way
264:18 He had no right to look at me that way anymore.
264:20 anymore. So I continued, hitting the syllable a
264:24 So I continued, hitting the syllable a little loudly as I forced myself to keep
264:26 little loudly as I forced myself to keep going, to look away from something that
264:28 going, to look away from something that he'd destroyed a long time ago.
264:31 he'd destroyed a long time ago. I chose to look at my fingernails when I
264:33 I chose to look at my fingernails when I said, "I guess text me your availability
264:36 said, "I guess text me your availability and I'll let you know when and where.
264:39 and I'll let you know when and where. Is your boyfriend going to be there?
264:42 Is your boyfriend going to be there? Who? Clark, I asked, looking up, then
264:47 Who? Clark, I asked, looking up, then wanting to kick myself because who else
264:49 wanting to kick myself because who else would he be referring to, dumbass?
264:53 would he be referring to, dumbass? Do you have other boyfriends at the
264:54 Do you have other boyfriends at the moment, Bucks?
264:56 moment, Bucks? His eyes were a little squinty, like he
264:59 His eyes were a little squinty, like he was amused by my obvious discomfort.
265:03 was amused by my obvious discomfort. A herm of giant blonde cameramen.
265:07 A herm of giant blonde cameramen. Funny, I muttered under my breath,
265:10 Funny, I muttered under my breath, rolling my eyes.
265:12 rolling my eyes. I was surprised he was your errand boy
265:14 I was surprised he was your errand boy on Saturday.
265:16 on Saturday. He was watching me that way again when
265:18 He was watching me that way again when he said, "Really interesting
265:21 he said, "Really interesting relationship dynamic, by the way, having
265:24 relationship dynamic, by the way, having him pass notes to your ex."
265:27 him pass notes to your ex." It isn't at all, I said instantly
265:32 It isn't at all, I said instantly regretting the defensiveness in my voice
265:34 regretting the defensiveness in my voice because the Wes Bennett of my childhood
265:36 because the Wes Bennett of my childhood lived for that reaction.
265:39 lived for that reaction. I tucked my hair behind my ears and
265:41 I tucked my hair behind my ears and said, "I mean, I don't even think he
265:44 said, "I mean, I don't even think he considers you my ex because he knows it
265:47 considers you my ex because he knows it was just a few forgettable months when I
265:48 was just a few forgettable months when I was a teenager."
265:50 was a teenager." "Did you know that you always swallow
265:52 "Did you know that you always swallow after you tell a lie, Libby?"
265:55 after you tell a lie, Libby?" He tilted his head and his mouth slid
265:58 He tilted his head and his mouth slid into a slow, wide smirk.
266:01 into a slow, wide smirk. That was such a throwback that I felt it
266:03 That was such a throwback that I felt it in my toes.
266:06 in my toes. You say the untruth,
266:08 You say the untruth, then immediately swallow and push your
266:11 then immediately swallow and push your hair behind your ears.
266:13 hair behind your ears. It's the same tell you had when you were
266:15 It's the same tell you had when you were 8 years old.
266:17 8 years old. I rolled my eyes again, forcing myself
266:20 I rolled my eyes again, forcing myself not to mess with my hair. I wanted to
266:23 not to mess with my hair. I wanted to say something biting, something that
266:25 say something biting, something that would hurt him, but I still needed his
266:28 would hurt him, but I still needed his help. So, I just said, "Okay."
266:34 help. So, I just said, "Okay." Which was so unfair. I hated that. I
266:38 Which was so unfair. I hated that. I also hated that he was seeing my cheeks
266:39 also hated that he was seeing my cheeks get red.
266:41 get red. Okay.
266:43 Okay. His smile went away, but the light was
266:46 His smile went away, but the light was still in his eyes when he said, "And
266:48 still in his eyes when he said, "And yes, I'll text you my schedule.
266:52 yes, I'll text you my schedule. Thank you, I said, unsure how to behave
266:56 Thank you, I said, unsure how to behave when he was giving me what I wanted
266:59 when he was giving me what I wanted while also kind of being an [ __ ] I
267:02 while also kind of being an [ __ ] I really appreciate this.
267:04 really appreciate this. No problem, he said, his eyes meeting
267:08 No problem, he said, his eyes meeting mine.
267:09 mine. As long as it's you, not Lilith.
267:14 As long as it's you, not Lilith. So, we have a deal? I asked, needing
267:17 So, we have a deal? I asked, needing confirmation.
267:19 confirmation. Yes, ma'am, he said.
267:22 Yes, ma'am, he said. his dirty half smile returning.
267:25 his dirty half smile returning. Did you want to shake on it or something
267:28 Did you want to shake on it or something else?
267:30 else? My cheeks caught fire and my mouth kind
267:32 My cheeks caught fire and my mouth kind of fell open for a second, momentarily
267:35 of fell open for a second, momentarily incapacitated and unable to come up with
267:37 incapacitated and unable to come up with a single word of response which made him
267:40 a single word of response which made him say oh so quietly.
267:44 say oh so quietly. There she is.
267:46 There she is. What? Who?
267:49 What? Who? little Liz.
267:52 little Liz. Before I could respond, he turned and
267:54 Before I could respond, he turned and started jogging up the steps, but not
267:57 started jogging up the steps, but not before I saw his grin.
268:00 before I saw his grin. It wasn't fair the way he still managed
268:02 It wasn't fair the way he still managed to get the last word. It was irritating
268:05 to get the last word. It was irritating as hell, and it annoyed me the entire
268:07 as hell, and it annoyed me the entire trek back to Morgan. I didn't see the
268:10 trek back to Morgan. I didn't see the green trees or yellow flowers as I
268:12 green trees or yellow flowers as I marched across campus because in my
268:14 marched across campus because in my brain I kept seeing his dickish smirk
268:17 brain I kept seeing his dickish smirk and hearing his deep voice saying,
268:19 and hearing his deep voice saying, "There she is,
268:22 "There she is, little Liz."
268:24 little Liz." But the irritation dissolved the minute
268:25 But the irritation dissolved the minute I stepped into Lilith's office and gave
268:27 I stepped into Lilith's office and gave her the news.
268:29 her the news. That's wonderful, she said, looking like
268:33 That's wonderful, she said, looking like perfection in her white button-down,
268:35 perfection in her white button-down, man's necktie, black cigarette pants,
268:37 man's necktie, black cigarette pants, and perfectly tailored pink wool blazer.
268:40 and perfectly tailored pink wool blazer. She was standing in front of her
268:42 She was standing in front of her brainstorming glass dry erase board,
268:44 brainstorming glass dry erase board, scrawling illeible notes that only she
268:46 scrawling illeible notes that only she could read when she added, "I don't care
268:48 could read when she added, "I don't care who asks the questions as long as I get
268:50 who asks the questions as long as I get to write them and edit the film." "Thank
268:53 to write them and edit the film." "Thank you, Liz."
268:55 you, Liz." "You're welcome," I said, relieved. TW's
268:59 "You're welcome," I said, relieved. TW's condition wasn't a dealbreaker for
269:00 condition wasn't a dealbreaker for Lilith. "I've already drafted the
269:03 Lilith. "I've already drafted the interview, so I'll just send you the
269:04 interview, so I'll just send you the questions. I've got a direction in
269:06 questions. I've got a direction in mind," she said, pushing up her black
269:09 mind," she said, pushing up her black glasses. "So, even though some of the
269:11 glasses. "So, even though some of the inquiries might seem irrelevant, you'll
269:13 inquiries might seem irrelevant, you'll have to trust me that they're leading
269:14 have to trust me that they're leading somewhere." "Okay," I said, nodding,
269:19 somewhere." "Okay," I said, nodding, entirely confident she knew what she was
269:21 entirely confident she knew what she was doing. "I also find it interesting that
269:24 doing. "I also find it interesting that young Mr. Bennett requires you
269:26 young Mr. Bennett requires you exclusively,"
269:28 exclusively," she said with a grin. "But I'm not
269:31 she said with a grin. "But I'm not saying a word." "Oh, no, it's not like
269:34 saying a word." "Oh, no, it's not like that," I sputtered. "He just Liz, I
269:38 that," I sputtered. "He just Liz, I know. It's fine," she said, turning to
269:43 know. It's fine," she said, turning to give me her full attention while her
269:44 give me her full attention while her smile was almost a laugh. "It doesn't
269:48 smile was almost a laugh. "It doesn't matter. I want his story, and you're
269:51 matter. I want his story, and you're getting him to give it. Relax.
269:55 getting him to give it. Relax. But I just want to make sure you know
269:57 But I just want to make sure you know that I do. I promise.
270:00 that I do. I promise. She held up a hand and said, "So, when
270:03 She held up a hand and said, "So, when is this happening?"
270:05 is this happening?" He's going to let me know later today
270:07 He's going to let me know later today what time he's available.
270:09 what time he's available. Okay.
270:11 Okay. She went back to her board, scribbling
270:13 She went back to her board, scribbling something impossible to read.
270:15 something impossible to read. Lilith was back on her outline and in
270:18 Lilith was back on her outline and in her own head when she said, "You can use
270:21 her own head when she said, "You can use my office for the interview and I'll
270:22 my office for the interview and I'll clear out whenever it's set." "Perfect,"
270:26 clear out whenever it's set." "Perfect," I said. And for the first time since my
270:29 I said. And for the first time since my conversation with Wes, it hit me the
270:33 conversation with Wes, it hit me the fact that I was going to be doing
270:34 fact that I was going to be doing another interview.
270:36 another interview. I'd been so busy scrambling to get him
270:38 I'd been so busy scrambling to get him to agree, then scrambling to get Lilith
270:41 to agree, then scrambling to get Lilith okay with his terms that I hadn't had a
270:44 okay with his terms that I hadn't had a chance for it to sink in.
270:46 chance for it to sink in. I was going to have to sit down with
270:49 I was going to have to sit down with Wes.
270:50 Wes. That thought hung over me the rest of
270:53 That thought hung over me the rest of the day, totally filling me with dread
270:55 the day, totally filling me with dread as I went to class and the library
270:58 as I went to class and the library because asking him random baseball
271:00 because asking him random baseball questions was no big deal. But I was
271:03 questions was no big deal. But I was worried about his questions.
271:07 worried about his questions. Was he going to ask me about the note
271:10 Was he going to ask me about the note about Clark?
271:11 about Clark? I just didn't want to deal with the
271:14 I just didn't want to deal with the everything that accompanied a
271:16 everything that accompanied a conversation with Wes Bennett.
271:18 conversation with Wes Bennett. At 10:30 that night, when I was
271:21 At 10:30 that night, when I was exhausted and exiting the library, my
271:24 exhausted and exiting the library, my phone buzzed. I took it out and my heart
271:28 phone buzzed. I took it out and my heart stuttered again at the sight of that
271:30 stuttered again at the sight of that stupid contact name.
271:32 stupid contact name. Wesy McBennett face. I needed to change
271:35 Wesy McBennett face. I needed to change that immediately. I clicked into edit
271:38 that immediately. I clicked into edit profile and changed the contact name to
271:41 profile and changed the contact name to Wes.
271:43 Wes. Wes.
271:44 Wes. I have time tomorrow morning after
271:46 I have time tomorrow morning after lifting. Does that work for you? I'd
271:49 lifting. Does that work for you? I'd make it work. I replied, "Yes. Do you
271:54 make it work. I replied, "Yes. Do you know where the Morgan Center is? We can
271:56 know where the Morgan Center is? We can do the interview in MC491."
271:59 do the interview in MC491." Wes, sounds good.
272:02 Wes, sounds good. I texted, "Great. See you then." My
272:07 I texted, "Great. See you then." My phone buzzed again. "Wes, wait, wait,
272:11 phone buzzed again. "Wes, wait, wait, wait." I looked at the message.
272:14 wait." I looked at the message. God, what was he doing?
272:18 God, what was he doing? I rolled my eyes and replied, "What?
272:22 I rolled my eyes and replied, "What? Wes,
272:24 Wes, what are you doing this very second?"
272:27 what are you doing this very second?" I replied.
272:29 I replied. Besides regretting that you have my
272:30 Besides regretting that you have my number.
272:32 number. Wes.
272:34 Wes. Yes. Besides that.
272:36 Yes. Besides that. I don't know why I answered, but I
272:39 I don't know why I answered, but I texted
272:41 texted just walking out of the library.
272:44 just walking out of the library. Wes. Oof. Late night on campus. Which
272:49 Wes. Oof. Late night on campus. Which library?
272:50 library? I stared at the phone, unsure how to
272:54 I stared at the phone, unsure how to proceed.
272:55 proceed. I could ignore him, but since I had to
272:58 I could ignore him, but since I had to meet him for an interview in the
272:59 meet him for an interview in the morning, that seemed stupid, but I
273:03 morning, that seemed stupid, but I didn't want to text with him either. We
273:05 didn't want to text with him either. We weren't friends.
273:08 weren't friends. I replied, "Pow,
273:11 I replied, "Pow, I'd gone there specifically because I
273:13 I'd gone there specifically because I was afraid of running into Wes if I went
273:15 was afraid of running into Wes if I went to the music library."
273:17 to the music library." Wes? No [ __ ] AJ's a pow right now. I'm
273:22 Wes? No [ __ ] AJ's a pow right now. I'm literally sitting on a bench outside of
273:24 literally sitting on a bench outside of Royce, waiting for him.
273:27 Royce, waiting for him. Powell and Royce were directly across
273:28 Powell and Royce were directly across from each other. The two buildings
273:31 from each other. The two buildings literally faced each other, so Wes was
273:33 literally faced each other, so Wes was in the vicinity.
273:35 in the vicinity. I speedwalked toward the steps, wanting
273:38 I speedwalked toward the steps, wanting to get out quickly before I ran into
273:40 to get out quickly before I ran into him. I texted, "You didn't have anything
273:43 him. I texted, "You didn't have anything to study tonight." Wes, I did, but I
273:48 to study tonight." Wes, I did, but I studied at the music library. Just got
273:50 studied at the music library. Just got done. Huh? I knew it. I knew he was
273:54 done. Huh? I knew it. I knew he was going to be at the music library. I
273:56 going to be at the music library. I started down the steps, proud of my mind
273:59 started down the steps, proud of my mind readading abilities as I texted.
274:02 readading abilities as I texted. Cool. See you tomorrow, Wes. Wes,
274:06 Cool. See you tomorrow, Wes. Wes, good night. Bug bomb. Also, Liz, I
274:11 good night. Bug bomb. Also, Liz, I texted.
274:13 texted. Yeah,
274:14 Yeah, Wes, the speed at which you're
274:17 Wes, the speed at which you're descending those steps is terrifying.
274:19 descending those steps is terrifying. Slow down before you trip.
274:22 Slow down before you trip. I cough squeaked a noise as I read his
274:25 I cough squeaked a noise as I read his words. God, he was watching me from
274:27 words. God, he was watching me from somewhere in the dark and forced myself
274:30 somewhere in the dark and forced myself not to look over my shoulder as I
274:32 not to look over my shoulder as I replied,
274:33 replied, "Good night, creeper."
274:43 Chapter 19. I'm scared of walking out of this room
274:45 I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole
274:46 and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.
274:49 life the way I feel when I'm with you. Dirty dancing.
274:51 Dirty dancing. Wes,
274:53 Wes, I don't know what you're so nervous
274:55 I don't know what you're so nervous about. I don't either, to be honest. I
274:58 about. I don't either, to be honest. I probably look like I was talking to
275:00 probably look like I was talking to myself as I jog down the hill, talking
275:02 myself as I jog down the hill, talking to Sarah on the phone as she joged with
275:04 to Sarah on the phone as she joged with me from Stamford. Running together had
275:06 me from Stamford. Running together had become a thing with us over the past
275:08 become a thing with us over the past couple of years. So even though we were
275:10 couple of years. So even though we were at different schools, we still ran
275:12 at different schools, we still ran together a few times a week. She said,
275:15 together a few times a week. She said, "I think it's probably because aside
275:17 "I think it's probably because aside from Dr. Allison, you've never really
275:19 from Dr. Allison, you've never really talked about the specifics of that era
275:21 talked about the specifics of that era with anyone but me." "That's true," I
275:24 with anyone but me." "That's true," I said. Not even Noah had known what
275:26 said. Not even Noah had known what things were really like, and I talked to
275:28 things were really like, and I talked to him all the time back then. And Michael
275:31 him all the time back then. And Michael found out eventually, but even he didn't
275:33 found out eventually, but even he didn't know everything. I squinted into the
275:36 know everything. I squinted into the bright sunrise and said, "I guess I just
275:38 bright sunrise and said, "I guess I just feel unprepared to talk about it." "But
275:43 feel unprepared to talk about it." "But maybe look at it this way," she said. It
275:46 maybe look at it this way," she said. It felt good to discuss in therapy, right?
275:49 felt good to discuss in therapy, right? I went right at the bottom of the hill.
275:51 I went right at the bottom of the hill. "It did, but this isn't private." "And
275:55 "It did, but this isn't private." "And oh yeah, Liz will be the one asking the
275:58 oh yeah, Liz will be the one asking the questions because you requested that,
276:00 questions because you requested that, dipshit," she said. And I knew if she
276:03 dipshit," she said. And I knew if she were here, she'd be giving me her
276:05 were here, she'd be giving me her patented you're an idiot look. But for
276:07 patented you're an idiot look. But for real, there's nothing to be afraid of.
276:09 real, there's nothing to be afraid of. They want to know how you came back to
276:11 They want to know how you came back to baseball. So you just tell them about
276:13 baseball. So you just tell them about how it happened. But mom, mom is fine,
276:16 how it happened. But mom, mom is fine, she interrupted. Mom has overshared her
276:19 she interrupted. Mom has overshared her side of this to anyone who will listen.
276:21 side of this to anyone who will listen. Mom tells strangers at the grocery store
276:23 Mom tells strangers at the grocery store about how it all shook out. Mom would be
276:26 about how it all shook out. Mom would be disappointed if you failed to mention
276:27 disappointed if you failed to mention her issues. And you know I'm right. She
276:30 her issues. And you know I'm right. She was right. Our mom entered therapy as a
276:33 was right. Our mom entered therapy as a broken woman and came out well less
276:37 broken woman and came out well less broken and filled with the unstoppable
276:39 broken and filled with the unstoppable urge to tell everyone she met about her
276:42 urge to tell everyone she met about her experiences,
276:43 experiences, even the experiences that didn't paint
276:45 even the experiences that didn't paint her in the best light. Just treat this
276:48 her in the best light. Just treat this as free therapy. Stop overthinking and
276:50 as free therapy. Stop overthinking and talk to Liz like you're telling her the
276:52 talk to Liz like you're telling her the story. Do it and be done. Do it and be
276:56 story. Do it and be done. Do it and be done. That was a good way to think of
276:58 done. That was a good way to think of it. I was going to do it and be done.
277:03 it. I was going to do it and be done. Speaking of mother dearest, has she
277:05 Speaking of mother dearest, has she confirmed that she's picking us up from
277:07 confirmed that she's picking us up from the airport? Yeah, she finally got back
277:09 the airport? Yeah, she finally got back to me yesterday. I said the house had
277:12 to me yesterday. I said the house had finally sold, so Sarah and I were going
277:14 finally sold, so Sarah and I were going home next week to help my mom with the
277:16 home next week to help my mom with the closing. Neither of us were looking
277:18 closing. Neither of us were looking forward to it, but we couldn't expect
277:20 forward to it, but we couldn't expect her to do everything herself.
277:22 her to do everything herself. I also kind of wanted to say goodbye to
277:24 I also kind of wanted to say goodbye to the house even as I absolutely didn't
277:27 the house even as I absolutely didn't want to say goodbye to the house. I went
277:30 want to say goodbye to the house. I went back to my dorm and showered and by the
277:32 back to my dorm and showered and by the time I was walking into a Costa for the
277:34 time I was walking into a Costa for the team lift my hesitancy about the
277:36 team lift my hesitancy about the interview was gone or minimized at
277:39 interview was gone or minimized at least. I was going to do it and be done.
277:43 least. I was going to do it and be done. Check that box and then hopefully never
277:45 Check that box and then hopefully never be asked about it again. After jumping
277:48 be asked about it again. After jumping on the force plate and going through
277:49 on the force plate and going through dynamic warm-ups on the turf, I headed
277:52 dynamic warm-ups on the turf, I headed back to the weightlifting racks.
277:53 back to the weightlifting racks. "Where's your boyfriend, Lizzy?" I heard
277:56 "Where's your boyfriend, Lizzy?" I heard Eli say as I turned the corner. And I
277:59 Eli say as I turned the corner. And I froze in my tracks when I saw her. Even
278:01 froze in my tracks when I saw her. Even though Liz filming workouts shouldn't
278:02 though Liz filming workouts shouldn't have been a surprise.
278:04 have been a surprise. There was Eli doing medicine ball
278:06 There was Eli doing medicine ball two-way dribbles against the wall while
278:08 two-way dribbles against the wall while Liz filmed him. "He has a name," she
278:11 Liz filmed him. "He has a name," she said, her attention on her work. and he
278:14 said, her attention on her work. and he wanted to get film of the strong guys
278:16 wanted to get film of the strong guys today, so that's why I'm on you. Hey,
278:19 today, so that's why I'm on you. Hey, why so mean?" he asked, smiling. "You
278:22 why so mean?" he asked, smiling. "You called me Lizzy, so you're asking for
278:24 called me Lizzy, so you're asking for it, aren't you?" Neither of them noticed
278:26 it, aren't you?" Neither of them noticed me, so I took a second to drink her in.
278:29 me, so I took a second to drink her in. She was wearing jeans and a black
278:30 She was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt, but the dock she had on and the
278:33 t-shirt, but the dock she had on and the black bow in the back of her curls made
278:35 black bow in the back of her curls made it more than just a t-shirt and jeans.
278:37 it more than just a t-shirt and jeans. They made it Liz, even without the
278:40 They made it Liz, even without the flowers and pastels.
278:42 flowers and pastels. I watched her record him and there was
278:44 I watched her record him and there was something about seeing her work that
278:45 something about seeing her work that fascinated me. She obviously knew what
278:48 fascinated me. She obviously knew what she was doing, but it was also obvious
278:50 she was doing, but it was also obvious that she was enjoying herself. Her body
278:53 that she was enjoying herself. Her body and her camera were in constant motion
278:55 and her camera were in constant motion while she filmed, and her focus reminded
278:58 while she filmed, and her focus reminded me of the way she focused on music when
279:00 me of the way she focused on music when she was working on a playlist. The rest
279:02 she was working on a playlist. The rest of the world existed, but she was
279:04 of the world existed, but she was uninterested in anything other than what
279:06 uninterested in anything other than what she was working on. God, I love that
279:09 she was working on. God, I love that about her. Good to see you made it home
279:12 about her. Good to see you made it home okay last night, Bucks Bal," I said,
279:14 okay last night, Bucks Bal," I said, needing to see those green eyes on me.
279:17 needing to see those green eyes on me. As expected, she whipped around like I'd
279:19 As expected, she whipped around like I'd startled her. But just as quickly as she
279:21 startled her. But just as quickly as she looked shocked, she covered it up. Liz
279:24 looked shocked, she covered it up. Liz swallowed and said, "Of course I did."
279:27 swallowed and said, "Of course I did." "I trust you had no problems getting
279:29 "I trust you had no problems getting back to your dorm." "I love when you
279:31 back to your dorm." "I love when you worry about me, Libby," I said, eating
279:34 worry about me, Libby," I said, eating up that frustrated fast blink. "Hell
279:36 up that frustrated fast blink. "Hell yes." She rolled her eyes, raised her
279:39 yes." She rolled her eyes, raised her chin, and I wanted to drop to my knees.
279:42 chin, and I wanted to drop to my knees. I just need you alive for the interview
279:44 I just need you alive for the interview this morning. She tilted her head and
279:46 this morning. She tilted her head and said, "After that, feel free to fall off
279:49 said, "After that, feel free to fall off a cliff." Eli started laughing, and so
279:53 a cliff." Eli started laughing, and so did I. Liz's mouth softened like she
279:56 did I. Liz's mouth softened like she wanted to smile with us, but wouldn't
279:57 wanted to smile with us, but wouldn't allow herself the luxury, and I was
280:00 allow herself the luxury, and I was taking that as a win. "Now you seem like
280:02 taking that as a win. "Now you seem like ex's," Eli said. Also, Liz, am I allowed
280:07 ex's," Eli said. Also, Liz, am I allowed to call you Libby? Not if you want me to
280:09 to call you Libby? Not if you want me to answer, she said, borrowing the line
280:12 answer, she said, borrowing the line from Pretty Woman. Her lips lost any
280:15 from Pretty Woman. Her lips lost any idea of a smile. And she said, "I hate
280:18 idea of a smile. And she said, "I hate that nickname." "Oh, you do not," I said
280:21 that nickname." "Oh, you do not," I said quietly, teasingly, wishing I could step
280:23 quietly, teasingly, wishing I could step closer and lower my face to the spot on
280:25 closer and lower my face to the spot on the side of her neck that always smelled
280:27 the side of her neck that always smelled ridiculously good. "Lib?"
280:30 ridiculously good. "Lib?" I walked away because there were some
280:32 I walked away because there were some deadlifts with my name on them. But the
280:34 deadlifts with my name on them. But the casual runin with Liz had me
280:36 casual runin with Liz had me anticipating our meeting. Not the
280:38 anticipating our meeting. Not the interview itself, but because Liz and I
280:40 interview itself, but because Liz and I in a room together, even if there was a
280:42 in a room together, even if there was a camera and a boyfriend, was still better
280:45 camera and a boyfriend, was still better than not being with her. And I was
280:47 than not being with her. And I was starting to suspect she didn't like
280:49 starting to suspect she didn't like Clark that much. I mean, they seemed
280:52 Clark that much. I mean, they seemed happy enough when I saw them together,
280:55 happy enough when I saw them together, but I'd spent a lifetime watching her
280:56 but I'd spent a lifetime watching her crush on guys. White eyes, pink cheeks,
280:59 crush on guys. White eyes, pink cheeks, knowing smiles. Those were her symptoms.
281:03 knowing smiles. Those were her symptoms. I'd witnessed them time and again,
281:05 I'd witnessed them time and again, hating them at the very same time they
281:07 hating them at the very same time they charmed the hell out of me. No one wore
281:09 charmed the hell out of me. No one wore loves sick like my Libby. Maybe it was
281:12 loves sick like my Libby. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I'd never seen her
281:14 wishful thinking, but I'd never seen her look at Clark that way. I showered after
281:17 look at Clark that way. I showered after lifting, putting on a decent shirt and
281:19 lifting, putting on a decent shirt and jeans instead of my usual shorts/t-shirt
281:21 jeans instead of my usual shorts/t-shirt combo. I didn't know what was expected
281:24 combo. I didn't know what was expected of me clothingwise, but I didn't want to
281:26 of me clothingwise, but I didn't want to disappoint Liz, so I was airing on the
281:29 disappoint Liz, so I was airing on the side of caution. The sun was bright when
281:31 side of caution. The sun was bright when I exited the building and walked toward
281:33 I exited the building and walked toward Morgan, and for the first time, I
281:36 Morgan, and for the first time, I wondered what my dad would think of
281:37 wondered what my dad would think of this. I had avoided thinking about him
281:39 this. I had avoided thinking about him lately because I didn't want to regress
281:41 lately because I didn't want to regress on the field. But I couldn't help it now
281:43 on the field. But I couldn't help it now as I prepared to talk on camera about
281:45 as I prepared to talk on camera about his death. Part of me thought he
281:47 his death. Part of me thought he wouldn't like anyone knowing anything
281:49 wouldn't like anyone knowing anything about our life, but I also knew he'd
281:51 about our life, but I also knew he'd relish any opportunity for my game to be
281:53 relish any opportunity for my game to be under the spotlight. Hell, if he were
281:56 under the spotlight. Hell, if he were here, he probably would have already
281:57 here, he probably would have already called Lilith to see why we weren't
281:58 called Lilith to see why we weren't doing a bigger piece on my pitching.
282:01 doing a bigger piece on my pitching. He'd say something like, "Why would you
282:03 He'd say something like, "Why would you waste time talking to every mediocre
282:05 waste time talking to every mediocre player? Some of them won't ever see the
282:06 player? Some of them won't ever see the field when you can showcase a future
282:09 field when you can showcase a future star." I kind of wanted to laugh at the
282:12 star." I kind of wanted to laugh at the realization and call Sarah because it
282:14 realization and call Sarah because it was 1,000% what he would have done. That
282:17 was 1,000% what he would have done. That realization actually made me feel better
282:19 realization actually made me feel better about the whole thing. When I got to
282:21 about the whole thing. When I got to Morgan, I went straight to MC491,
282:24 Morgan, I went straight to MC491, even though I was a little early. I
282:26 even though I was a little early. I raised my hand to knock on the office
282:28 raised my hand to knock on the office door, which was cracked. But then I
282:30 door, which was cracked. But then I stopped myself when I saw Liz sitting
282:32 stopped myself when I saw Liz sitting behind the desk. My breath kind of got
282:34 behind the desk. My breath kind of got trapped in my lungs for a second, to be
282:36 trapped in my lungs for a second, to be honest, because I'd never met this
282:38 honest, because I'd never met this version of her before. She'd changed
282:41 version of her before. She'd changed since lifting, switching out the casual
282:43 since lifting, switching out the casual t-shirt for a black blazer, a crisp
282:46 t-shirt for a black blazer, a crisp white shirt, and a tangled mass of
282:48 white shirt, and a tangled mass of pearly necklaces wrapped around her
282:50 pearly necklaces wrapped around her neck. Her eyes were lined, her lips red,
282:53 neck. Her eyes were lined, her lips red, and her hair was all pulled back into a
282:55 and her hair was all pulled back into a tortoise shell clip. She looked like a
282:57 tortoise shell clip. She looked like a force, like she could head a boardroom
282:59 force, like she could head a boardroom without a single nerve. and I was hungry
283:02 without a single nerve. and I was hungry to know this person. "Hey," I said, my
283:05 to know this person. "Hey," I said, my voice cracking like I was a middle
283:07 voice cracking like I was a middle schooler talking to his crush for the
283:08 schooler talking to his crush for the very first time. She looked up and the
283:11 very first time. She looked up and the power of those eyes almost dropped me.
283:13 power of those eyes almost dropped me. God, I love her. "Hey," she turned her
283:17 God, I love her. "Hey," she turned her retrograde red lips into a polite smile.
283:20 retrograde red lips into a polite smile. "You're early." "Is that okay?" I asked.
283:24 "You're early." "Is that okay?" I asked. Her eyebrows went up. "Did Wes Bennett
283:27 Her eyebrows went up. "Did Wes Bennett just ask permission? I feel like I
283:29 just ask permission? I feel like I should check your forehead for a fever
283:31 should check your forehead for a fever or something. I feel like you should do
283:34 or something. I feel like you should do that, too. I pushed open the door and
283:36 that, too. I pushed open the door and walked into the office, pulled to be
283:38 walked into the office, pulled to be closer to her, needing less space
283:41 closer to her, needing less space between us. Where do you want me? We are
283:44 between us. Where do you want me? We are going to do the interview over there,
283:46 going to do the interview over there, she said, pointing to a small conference
283:48 she said, pointing to a small conference table to the right of the desk. But
283:50 table to the right of the desk. But Clark isn't even here yet. So, we're off
283:53 Clark isn't even here yet. So, we're off on the right foot then, I teased,
283:55 on the right foot then, I teased, smelling her perfume and feeling like a
283:57 smelling her perfume and feeling like a blood hound who'd been given the scent.
283:59 blood hound who'd been given the scent. I had it, and now it was all I could
284:02 I had it, and now it was all I could focus on. Which chair? She got up and
284:05 focus on. Which chair? She got up and came around the desk and sweet holy
284:08 came around the desk and sweet holy foxhunt, God saved me. She was wearing
284:11 foxhunt, God saved me. She was wearing tall black pumps. I was intimidated by
284:14 tall black pumps. I was intimidated by Liz as she said, "The one with the
284:16 Liz as she said, "The one with the picture behind it." Okay, I said,
284:20 picture behind it." Okay, I said, pulling out the chair and sitting. Until
284:23 pulling out the chair and sitting. Until now, I'd never given any thought to the
284:24 now, I'd never given any thought to the two years between us, educationally
284:27 two years between us, educationally speaking. But as I watched her move
284:29 speaking. But as I watched her move effortlessly around expensive film
284:31 effortlessly around expensive film equipment and stilettos, she very much
284:33 equipment and stilettos, she very much seemed like a junior who knew a hell of
284:35 seemed like a junior who knew a hell of a lot more than this nervous freshman.
284:38 a lot more than this nervous freshman. And those heels, I couldn't stop looking
284:40 And those heels, I couldn't stop looking at them. She moved like she'd been born
284:42 at them. She moved like she'd been born to wear them, looking a million lighty
284:45 to wear them, looking a million lighty years away from the little Liz who'd
284:46 years away from the little Liz who'd wobbled around in toy princess shoes.
284:49 wobbled around in toy princess shoes. "Please don't be pissed at me for saying
284:51 "Please don't be pissed at me for saying this, Liz," I said quietly, very aware
284:54 this, Liz," I said quietly, very aware that this was her world. "But I'm kind
284:57 that this was her world. "But I'm kind of intimidated by how cool you are now."
285:07 Chapter 20. I love you very much. probably more than
285:10 I love you very much. probably more than anybody could love another person.
285:12 anybody could love another person. 51st dates.
285:15 51st dates. Liz,
285:18 Liz, you are. I was impressed by how
285:21 you are. I was impressed by how unaffected I sounded as I managed a
285:24 unaffected I sounded as I managed a two-word response. I think I totally
285:27 two-word response. I think I totally pulled off mildly amused. But the truth
285:30 pulled off mildly amused. But the truth was that I was kind of having an
285:32 was that I was kind of having an internal freak out because over the past
285:35 internal freak out because over the past couple of years, every time I imagined
285:38 couple of years, every time I imagined running into Wes, I just wanted him to
285:40 running into Wes, I just wanted him to think I was cool, confident, successful,
285:44 think I was cool, confident, successful, and way over us.
285:48 and way over us. Too cool for him.
285:51 Too cool for him. Hell, if I was being honest, little Liz
285:53 Hell, if I was being honest, little Liz had worked her ass off her entire life
285:56 had worked her ass off her entire life in hopes of that jackass next door
285:58 in hopes of that jackass next door thinking she was cool.
286:00 thinking she was cool. So, it was really jarring to hear him
286:02 So, it was really jarring to hear him say the actual words.
286:05 say the actual words. "I am," he said, his eyes sweeping over
286:10 "I am," he said, his eyes sweeping over me. I felt them everywhere as his mouth
286:14 me. I felt them everywhere as his mouth slid into a boyish grin.
286:16 slid into a boyish grin. "I tried on two different shirts for
286:18 "I tried on two different shirts for today, for [ __ ] sake.
286:21 today, for [ __ ] sake. Oh god.
286:23 Oh god. I lowered my eyes to the empty chair
286:25 I lowered my eyes to the empty chair across from him, pulling it out and
286:28 across from him, pulling it out and sitting down. My face was hot as I gave
286:31 sitting down. My face was hot as I gave him a nonchalant.
286:33 him a nonchalant. That's funny.
286:35 That's funny. Those cheeks, he murmured, his voice
286:39 Those cheeks, he murmured, his voice deep and quiet.
286:41 deep and quiet. "Hey kids," Clark breezed into the
286:44 "Hey kids," Clark breezed into the office, dropping his stuff next to
286:46 office, dropping his stuff next to Lilith's desk. Am I late?
286:50 Lilith's desk. Am I late? >> No, I said my voice a little scratchy.
286:55 >> No, I said my voice a little scratchy. Wes was early. Had a boy, Clark said,
286:59 Wes was early. Had a boy, Clark said, nodding and grinning before walking over
287:01 nodding and grinning before walking over and dropping a peck on the top of my
287:04 and dropping a peck on the top of my head.
287:06 head. I risked a glance at Wes, expecting a
287:09 I risked a glance at Wes, expecting a mocking smirk, but his self-deprecating
287:12 mocking smirk, but his self-deprecating grin had been replaced by a clenching
287:14 grin had been replaced by a clenching jaw and hard eyes.
287:17 jaw and hard eyes. Why does he look like that?
287:20 Why does he look like that? Did Lil finally send the questions?
287:22 Did Lil finally send the questions? Clark asked as he checked the stationary
287:25 Clark asked as he checked the stationary camera I'd already set up on the tripod.
287:27 camera I'd already set up on the tripod. The one that would record the entire
287:29 The one that would record the entire interview.
287:31 interview. She did. And don't call her that, I
287:35 She did. And don't call her that, I said, my stomach filled with the
287:37 said, my stomach filled with the butterflies that had been tearing me
287:38 butterflies that had been tearing me apart since I'd opened her email. Her
287:41 apart since I'd opened her email. Her questions were fine, but the thought of
287:44 questions were fine, but the thought of asking them to Wes was stressing me out.
287:48 asking them to Wes was stressing me out. Somehow, I hadn't walked through just
287:51 Somehow, I hadn't walked through just how awkward it was going to be to ask
287:53 how awkward it was going to be to ask him about the worst time of his life. I
287:56 him about the worst time of his life. I read her questions and wanted to throw
287:58 read her questions and wanted to throw up. So, I parlayed that tension into
288:01 up. So, I parlayed that tension into finding the most professional outfit I
288:03 finding the most professional outfit I had in my closet.
288:05 had in my closet. I was going to focus on my job, on
288:07 I was going to focus on my job, on getting Lilith the footage she'd be
288:09 getting Lilith the footage she'd be proud to put in her film and try to
288:11 proud to put in her film and try to pretend I'd never heard this story
288:13 pretend I'd never heard this story before.
288:15 before. My hands were literally shaking as I
288:17 My hands were literally shaking as I grabbed the questions I'd just pulled
288:19 grabbed the questions I'd just pulled off the printer before he appeared.
288:21 off the printer before he appeared. "And just a reminder, Wes, these are
288:24 "And just a reminder, Wes, these are Lilith's questions. I'm just the one
288:27 Lilith's questions. I'm just the one asking for her."
288:29 asking for her." Got it,"
288:30 Got it," >> he said, his face tense as he sat across
288:33 >> he said, his face tense as he sat across from me. He was wearing a black pullover
288:36 from me. He was wearing a black pullover and jeans, and for some reason, they
288:39 and jeans, and for some reason, they looked really good on him. Not to me
288:42 looked really good on him. Not to me personally, but as someone conducting an
288:45 personally, but as someone conducting an interview, I recognized that my subject
288:47 interview, I recognized that my subject presented well on camera.
288:50 presented well on camera. "And ignore me, dude," Clark said,
288:54 "And ignore me, dude," Clark said, looking down at his camera. I'm just
288:57 looking down at his camera. I'm just going to be moving around the room to
288:58 going to be moving around the room to get varied shots. Pretend I don't exist.
289:02 get varied shots. Pretend I don't exist. I'm trying, Wes said quietly. But it
289:06 I'm trying, Wes said quietly. But it isn't easy.
289:08 isn't easy. He was looking at me as he said it. And
289:11 He was looking at me as he said it. And I wasn't sure why it felt like something
289:13 I wasn't sure why it felt like something was hovering between us.
289:15 was hovering between us. "Okay," I said abruptly, inhaling
289:19 "Okay," I said abruptly, inhaling through my nose and looking down at
289:20 through my nose and looking down at Lilis's notes. "Are we ready?"
289:24 Lilis's notes. "Are we ready?" Clark hit record on both cameras.
289:27 Clark hit record on both cameras. >> Ready?
289:29 >> Ready? >> I cleared my throat and said, "Start off
289:32 >> I cleared my throat and said, "Start off by telling me some of the things that
289:33 by telling me some of the things that made you fall in love with baseball as a
289:35 made you fall in love with baseball as a kid."
289:37 kid." His eyebrows furrowed together, like he
289:39 His eyebrows furrowed together, like he didn't understand the question. And for
289:42 didn't understand the question. And for a second, I wondered if I'd asked it
289:44 a second, I wondered if I'd asked it wrong somehow.
289:46 wrong somehow. God, I don't want to screw this up. I
289:49 God, I don't want to screw this up. I was so worried Lilith was going to watch
289:51 was so worried Lilith was going to watch the interview and regret sending me. My
289:54 the interview and regret sending me. My eyes were frozen on Wes, my brain
289:56 eyes were frozen on Wes, my brain begging him to give more than a two-word
289:58 begging him to give more than a two-word answer.
290:00 answer. "Uh,
290:02 "Uh, it was easy for me, I guess," he said,
290:06 it was easy for me, I guess," he said, seeming relieved that the first question
290:08 seeming relieved that the first question wasn't more difficult.
290:10 wasn't more difficult. He looked into the stationary camera,
290:13 He looked into the stationary camera, not at me, when he said,
290:15 not at me, when he said, "Hitting the ball was fun. Catching the
290:18 "Hitting the ball was fun. Catching the ball was fun, and it felt like I'd
290:21 ball was fun, and it felt like I'd always been doing it.
290:23 always been doing it. I'd go out and swing the bat at my
290:26 I'd go out and swing the bat at my little league games, not really even
290:28 little league games, not really even trying that hard. And the people in the
290:30 trying that hard. And the people in the stands would go crazy because I crushed
290:32 stands would go crazy because I crushed the ball every time I was up. But it
290:35 the ball every time I was up. But it just happened for me, you know. I fell
290:39 just happened for me, you know. I fell in love because I was doing what
290:41 in love because I was doing what everyone else was doing, having fun,
290:43 everyone else was doing, having fun, trying to hit the ball.
290:46 trying to hit the ball. But for me, it was as natural as
290:49 But for me, it was as natural as breathing.
290:52 breathing. Thank you for giving a good answer, I
290:54 Thank you for giving a good answer, I thought, relief spilling through me as I
290:58 thought, relief spilling through me as I nodded.
290:59 nodded. I could still remember the way he'd run
291:01 I could still remember the way he'd run around the neighborhood like he owned
291:02 around the neighborhood like he owned it, always laughing.
291:05 it, always laughing. It seemed like life had come easily for
291:08 It seemed like life had come easily for him back then.
291:10 him back then. So, how did those specific things push
291:13 So, how did those specific things push you to get where you were? I continued,
291:17 you to get where you were? I continued, looking down at the paper as I read
291:18 looking down at the paper as I read Lilith's question.
291:20 Lilith's question. coming out of high school with nearly
291:22 coming out of high school with nearly every school in the country taking their
291:24 every school in the country taking their shot at you. I could still remember the
291:27 shot at you. I could still remember the first time I learned he was that good.
291:30 first time I learned he was that good. We were in the secret area before we
291:32 We were in the secret area before we ever dated and he off-handedly mentioned
291:35 ever dated and he off-handedly mentioned that he wasn't sure which school's offer
291:37 that he wasn't sure which school's offer he was going to take.
291:40 he was going to take. Was that the night we smoked Swissers
291:41 Was that the night we smoked Swissers together?
291:43 together? He made a noise in the back of his
291:45 He made a noise in the back of his throat, like a sarcastic laugh, and said
291:49 throat, like a sarcastic laugh, and said it was all my dad.
291:52 it was all my dad. He pushed me to not just be satisfied
291:54 He pushed me to not just be satisfied with what came easy, but to chase what
291:57 with what came easy, but to chase what was hard.
291:59 was hard. And what was hard? I asked. Mostly
292:02 And what was hard? I asked. Mostly because Lilith had mentioned multiple
292:04 because Lilith had mentioned multiple times that I should follow his responses
292:07 times that I should follow his responses and not just stick to her questions.
292:10 and not just stick to her questions. Pitching, he said without a second of
292:13 Pitching, he said without a second of consideration.
292:15 consideration. He pushed me to pitch, pushed me to
292:18 He pushed me to pitch, pushed me to learn more pitches, pushed me to throw
292:20 learn more pitches, pushed me to throw more pitches, pushed me to attend every
292:23 more pitches, pushed me to attend every pitching clinic on our side of the
292:25 pitching clinic on our side of the country. He was a driving force that led
292:28 country. He was a driving force that led to it all.
292:30 to it all. If I hadn't known his dad, this would
292:33 If I hadn't known his dad, this would have seemed like a sweet father-son
292:35 have seemed like a sweet father-son sports story.
292:37 sports story. But I remembered how hard his dad had
292:39 But I remembered how hard his dad had pushed and I knew how much that pressure
292:42 pushed and I knew how much that pressure had weighed down on Wes when he started
292:44 had weighed down on Wes when he started at UCLA.
292:46 at UCLA. So it must have been huge when you got
292:48 So it must have been huge when you got the offer to come here. I said to play
292:51 the offer to come here. I said to play for one of the best baseball schools in
292:53 for one of the best baseball schools in the country.
292:55 the country. We were pretty pumped, especially after
292:57 We were pretty pumped, especially after I tore out my shoulder.
293:00 I tore out my shoulder. He nodded and started talking about his
293:02 He nodded and started talking about his senior season, but I got temporarily
293:06 senior season, but I got temporarily distracted by his mouth,
293:08 distracted by his mouth, by his entire face, actually.
293:12 by his entire face, actually. It was an interesting situation to be
293:14 It was an interesting situation to be sitting across from your ex and allowed
293:17 sitting across from your ex and allowed to stare at the details of them.
293:20 to stare at the details of them. Wes had changed, but it was impossible
293:23 Wes had changed, but it was impossible to put my finger on a specific thing.
293:26 to put my finger on a specific thing. He'd just become the man version of the
293:29 He'd just become the man version of the boy that he'd been. It was like
293:31 boy that he'd been. It was like everything had been photoshopped to be
293:33 everything had been photoshopped to be slightly bigger, slightly harder.
293:37 slightly bigger, slightly harder. So, we were definitely thrilled with the
293:39 So, we were definitely thrilled with the offer. He finished, his eyes still on
293:43 offer. He finished, his eyes still on the stationary camera. I bet. I looked
293:47 the stationary camera. I bet. I looked back down at Lilith's questions and
293:49 back down at Lilith's questions and wanted to do just about anything other
293:52 wanted to do just about anything other than ask the next one.
293:55 than ask the next one. I was trying my hardest to listen to his
293:57 I was trying my hardest to listen to his story like he was a stranger who I knew
293:59 story like he was a stranger who I knew nothing about.
294:01 nothing about. But the next question, and his answer
294:04 But the next question, and his answer was going to ruin that.
294:07 was going to ruin that. There was no way it couldn't.
294:10 There was no way it couldn't. I kept my eyes on the paper, my pulse
294:13 I kept my eyes on the paper, my pulse pounding in my ears as I asked.
294:16 pounding in my ears as I asked. When you initially got to UCLA the first
294:18 When you initially got to UCLA the first time, walk me through some of the
294:21 time, walk me through some of the feelings early on, especially those
294:24 feelings early on, especially those first few days.
294:26 first few days. As the words left my mouth, my brain
294:29 As the words left my mouth, my brain played an unwelcome montage of our road
294:31 played an unwelcome montage of our road trip out to California.
294:34 trip out to California. The world had been ours as we'd laughed
294:36 The world had been ours as we'd laughed through the mountains and kissed through
294:38 through the mountains and kissed through the desert, and neither one of us would
294:41 the desert, and neither one of us would have ever guessed how close we were to
294:43 have ever guessed how close we were to the end.
294:45 the end. Wes made that noise again. The one that
294:48 Wes made that noise again. The one that sounded like I was asking him about
294:50 sounded like I was asking him about something ridiculous.
294:52 something ridiculous. He looked down at his hands and said,
294:55 He looked down at his hands and said, "I mean, it was everything an
294:58 "I mean, it was everything an 18-year-old baseball player dreams
294:59 18-year-old baseball player dreams about. I was at this big time campus and
295:04 about. I was at this big time campus and everyone was treating me like I was the
295:05 everyone was treating me like I was the man. It was exciting and it felt like I
295:09 man. It was exciting and it felt like I was on top of the world with a shiny new
295:11 was on top of the world with a shiny new life.
295:13 life. It was literally perfection.
295:15 It was literally perfection. Every single piece of it.
295:18 Every single piece of it. It was, I thought, remembering the day
295:22 It was, I thought, remembering the day we'd moved Wes into his dorm. There were
295:25 we'd moved Wes into his dorm. There were baseball players all over the place,
295:27 baseball players all over the place, laughing and trash talking, and I don't
295:30 laughing and trash talking, and I don't think either of us stopped smiling the
295:32 think either of us stopped smiling the entire afternoon.
295:34 entire afternoon. We walked to In-N-Out for lunch and lost
295:36 We walked to In-N-Out for lunch and lost our minds over how cool LA was. Over the
295:40 our minds over how cool LA was. Over the surreal amazingness that we were both
295:42 surreal amazingness that we were both there together.
295:46 there together. It was literal perfection
295:49 It was literal perfection for two weeks.
295:51 for two weeks. I mean, there was baseball hell week and
295:56 I mean, there was baseball hell week and I kept getting lost on campus, he said
295:59 I kept getting lost on campus, he said with a little smirk. And it felt like I
296:02 with a little smirk. And it felt like I couldn't breathe as I remembered teasing
296:04 couldn't breathe as I remembered teasing him about his terrible sense of
296:05 him about his terrible sense of direction.
296:07 direction. It kind of felt like yesterday,
296:10 It kind of felt like yesterday, but I was head over heels in love with
296:12 but I was head over heels in love with everything in my life. He was looking
296:15 everything in my life. He was looking into the stationary camera, but I
296:18 into the stationary camera, but I couldn't stop staring at the brown eyes
296:20 couldn't stop staring at the brown eyes that I'd been head over heels in love
296:22 that I'd been head over heels in love with.
296:24 with. Clark cleared his throat, thank God,
296:28 Clark cleared his throat, thank God, pulling me out of my own head. I went
296:31 pulling me out of my own head. I went back to the questions, but my stomach
296:34 back to the questions, but my stomach dropped when I read the next one.
296:37 dropped when I read the next one. The then you got the news of your
296:41 The then you got the news of your father's passing, I said, my voice
296:45 father's passing, I said, my voice barely there because my mouth didn't
296:47 barely there because my mouth didn't want to form the words.
296:49 want to form the words. How did you find out initially?
296:52 How did you find out initially? Pain crossed his face like a storm. His
296:56 Pain crossed his face like a storm. His jaw clenched, his nostrils flared, and
296:58 jaw clenched, his nostrils flared, and his Adam's apple moved around a thick
297:00 his Adam's apple moved around a thick swallow.
297:02 swallow. I wanted to tell him not to answer, that
297:04 I wanted to tell him not to answer, that he didn't have to answer, but this was
297:07 he didn't have to answer, but this was only the third or fourth question. I
297:10 only the third or fourth question. I couldn't.
297:11 couldn't. I needed to pull this off for Lilith.
297:15 I needed to pull this off for Lilith. My mother called. He said, his voice a
297:19 My mother called. He said, his voice a little raspy.
297:22 little raspy. We were working on pickoff plays at
297:24 We were working on pickoff plays at Jackie the day before our exhibition
297:27 Jackie the day before our exhibition game
297:29 game when Coach Ross came out to tell me I
297:31 when Coach Ross came out to tell me I had an emergency call.
297:34 had an emergency call. I couldn't look away from his face even
297:36 I couldn't look away from his face even though I knew the story
297:39 though I knew the story and she told me he was gone.
297:42 and she told me he was gone. He shrugged,
297:44 He shrugged, looking out the window like the scene
297:45 looking out the window like the scene was playing out on Breuan Walk.
297:48 was playing out on Breuan Walk. His voice was hollow. matter of fact.
297:52 His voice was hollow. matter of fact. And I felt like he'd forgotten about
297:54 And I felt like he'd forgotten about Clark, the camera, and me.
297:57 Clark, the camera, and me. Just like that, Wes, your dad is gone.
298:02 Just like that, Wes, your dad is gone. I actually asked her where he went like
298:05 I actually asked her where he went like an idiot
298:07 an idiot because I couldn't comprehend her
298:09 because I couldn't comprehend her meaning.
298:10 meaning. I mean, I just talked to him that
298:13 I mean, I just talked to him that morning.
298:15 morning. I didn't know this part.
298:18 I didn't know this part. My side of the recollection was of him
298:20 My side of the recollection was of him walking into my dorm room when he was
298:22 walking into my dorm room when he was supposed to be at practice, of me
298:24 supposed to be at practice, of me saying, "What are you doing here?" and
298:27 saying, "What are you doing here?" and of him saying, "My dad died."
298:31 of him saying, "My dad died." And then breaking down a little.
298:35 And then breaking down a little. Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd ever even
298:37 Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd ever even known exactly how he found out.
298:41 known exactly how he found out. Next question.
298:43 Next question. "What?" I said, blinking fast. unaware
298:48 "What?" I said, blinking fast. unaware that I drifted away. "What is the next
298:51 that I drifted away. "What is the next question?" Wes repeated,
298:54 question?" Wes repeated, his face a tight mask, his eyes still
298:57 his face a tight mask, his eyes still not on me.
299:00 not on me. "Oh, yeah, sorry."
299:03 "Oh, yeah, sorry." I inhaled through my nose and looked
299:05 I inhaled through my nose and looked down at the sheet, hating myself for
299:08 down at the sheet, hating myself for asking him to do this.
299:10 asking him to do this. "Um,
299:12 "Um, what was it like to process that news?
299:16 what was it like to process that news? at that time. "Come on,"
299:20 at that time. "Come on," he mumbled,
299:22 he mumbled, exhaling and sitting back in the chair.
299:25 exhaling and sitting back in the chair. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't
299:28 I didn't know what to say, and I didn't think he was going to give me an answer,
299:29 think he was going to give me an answer, and I wouldn't blame him for passing.
299:32 and I wouldn't blame him for passing. But then he said,
299:35 But then he said, um,
299:36 um, it was terrible,
299:39 it was terrible, but
299:40 but processing the news that he was gone
299:44 processing the news that he was gone while I was still in LA
299:47 while I was still in LA was uh,
299:49 was uh, incorrect,
299:50 incorrect, I guess you could say. I processed it in
299:54 I guess you could say. I processed it in a kid loses his father way. devastated
299:58 a kid loses his father way. devastated that he was gone, but the gravity of my
300:01 that he was gone, but the gravity of my situation hadn't hit me yet.
300:03 situation hadn't hit me yet. It didn't occur to me at all that I
300:06 It didn't occur to me at all that I would go home for his funeral and never
300:10 would go home for his funeral and never sleep in my dorm room again. You know,
300:13 sleep in my dorm room again. You know, I didn't want to do this anymore.
300:16 I didn't want to do this anymore. I knew the story. I was there beside him
300:19 I knew the story. I was there beside him for this part of the story, but I didn't
300:22 for this part of the story, but I didn't think either one of us should revisit it
300:24 think either one of us should revisit it together.
300:26 together. I opened my mouth to comment because
300:28 I opened my mouth to comment because these film packs were supposed to be
300:30 these film packs were supposed to be moderately conversational,
300:33 moderately conversational, but I couldn't force myself to speak or
300:36 but I couldn't force myself to speak or even move on to the next question.
300:39 even move on to the next question. It felt like a lie, like we were acting
300:42 It felt like a lie, like we were acting out the most depressing play in the
300:44 out the most depressing play in the world because I knew the answers before
300:47 world because I knew the answers before I asked them.
300:49 I asked them. I I don't think I can do this, I heard
300:53 I I don't think I can do this, I heard myself say. and I struggled for any
300:56 myself say. and I struggled for any rational explanation that would make
300:58 rational explanation that would make sense to Clark or Lilith.
301:01 sense to Clark or Lilith. Wes was looking at me in confusion, and
301:04 Wes was looking at me in confusion, and I felt Clark's eyes on me as I stood and
301:06 I felt Clark's eyes on me as I stood and managed to come up with. "I think
301:09 managed to come up with. "I think someone who didn't know your family and
301:12 someone who didn't know your family and your dad is probably better at I got
301:14 your dad is probably better at I got it," Clark interrupted, lowering his
301:17 it," Clark interrupted, lowering his camera and coming over to my side. "Why
301:20 camera and coming over to my side. "Why don't you take off, Liz, and I'll
301:22 don't you take off, Liz, and I'll finish. We can connect afterward.
301:25 finish. We can connect afterward. I glanced at Wes and had no idea what he
301:29 I glanced at Wes and had no idea what he was thinking or what Clark was doing. I
301:32 was thinking or what Clark was doing. I only knew that I couldn't do this. I
301:36 only knew that I couldn't do this. I managed to say, "Um, [clears throat]
301:39 managed to say, "Um, [clears throat] okay.
301:41 okay. Yeah, just go," Clark said, smiling as
301:45 Yeah, just go," Clark said, smiling as if this was normal.
301:47 if this was normal. "And the three of us can coordinate the
301:49 "And the three of us can coordinate the rest later."
301:51 rest later." "Um, okay. Thanks.
301:55 "Um, okay. Thanks. I turned and walked over to the door and
301:58 I turned and walked over to the door and as I pulled it open, Clark asked the
302:01 as I pulled it open, Clark asked the next question as if there hadn't been
302:03 next question as if there hadn't been the world's biggest hiccup.
302:05 the world's biggest hiccup. What made you understand that it wasn't
302:07 What made you understand that it wasn't the right time to be playing? How did
302:10 the right time to be playing? How did you decide to pack up and leave?
302:13 you decide to pack up and leave? I didn't know if Wes would answer him at
302:15 I didn't know if Wes would answer him at first, but when I looked back over my
302:18 first, but when I looked back over my shoulder,
302:19 shoulder, he swallowed and looked at Clark.
302:22 he swallowed and looked at Clark. For the first time since the interview
302:24 For the first time since the interview began,
302:26 began, he was speaking to someone when he said,
302:29 he was speaking to someone when he said, "When my mom left and wouldn't come
302:32 "When my mom left and wouldn't come home."
302:40 Chapter 21. No matter what happens to us, every day
302:42 No matter what happens to us, every day with you is the best day of my life. The
302:45 with you is the best day of my life. The notebook.
302:47 notebook. Wes.
302:49 Wes. Clark lowered himself to the empty chair
302:51 Clark lowered himself to the empty chair and set down his camera. Where did she
302:54 and set down his camera. Where did she go? For half a second, I thought he was
302:56 go? For half a second, I thought he was talking about Liz. But then I realized
302:59 talking about Liz. But then I realized he meant my mother. I looked at his face
303:02 he meant my mother. I looked at his face and God help me. I wanted to keep going.
303:05 and God help me. I wanted to keep going. It didn't make sense, but maybe Sarah
303:07 It didn't make sense, but maybe Sarah was right. Maybe it had been too long
303:10 was right. Maybe it had been too long since I talked about it. Or maybe enough
303:12 since I talked about it. Or maybe enough time had passed where it was becoming a
303:14 time had passed where it was becoming a story instead of something that cut me
303:16 story instead of something that cut me open and made me bleed. Even weirder
303:19 open and made me bleed. Even weirder than that was the fact that I was glad
303:20 than that was the fact that I was glad Liz was gone. Something about telling
303:23 Liz was gone. Something about telling her the story felt wrong. Probably
303:26 her the story felt wrong. Probably because she'd been there. I'd seen it on
303:28 because she'd been there. I'd seen it on her face as I answered the second she
303:31 her face as I answered the second she started remembering. And I didn't want
303:33 started remembering. And I didn't want her to have to sit across from me and be
303:35 her to have to sit across from me and be reminded of a time that brought her
303:37 reminded of a time that brought her pain. Wait, getting ahead of things,
303:40 pain. Wait, getting ahead of things, Clark said. And as much as I wanted to
303:42 Clark said. And as much as I wanted to hate the dude, he was just so nice that
303:44 hate the dude, he was just so nice that I couldn't, and I hated that. Why don't
303:48 I couldn't, and I hated that. Why don't you talk about what happened when you
303:49 you talk about what happened when you got home? I let out my breath and closed
303:52 got home? I let out my breath and closed my eyes for a second, remembering what
303:56 my eyes for a second, remembering what happened when I got home. Obviously,
303:59 happened when I got home. Obviously, everyone was grieving, but it didn't
304:01 everyone was grieving, but it didn't take very long for me to realize that my
304:02 take very long for me to realize that my mom wasn't handling the loss very well,
304:05 mom wasn't handling the loss very well, that she needed help.
304:07 that she needed help. understatement of the century. She
304:10 understatement of the century. She couldn't stop crying, couldn't eat,
304:12 couldn't stop crying, couldn't eat, couldn't drive, couldn't work. My mother
304:15 couldn't drive, couldn't work. My mother was a mess.
304:17 was a mess. But you were 18, Clark said. What could
304:20 But you were 18, Clark said. What could you do? Everything that needed to be
304:22 you do? Everything that needed to be done, I guess. I shrugged and said, "She
304:26 done, I guess. I shrugged and said, "She tried, but she was the one who found
304:29 tried, but she was the one who found him. And she just never got over that, I
304:32 him. And she just never got over that, I think. Is that part of why you left
304:34 think. Is that part of why you left school?" Clark asked. obviously no
304:37 school?" Clark asked. obviously no longer reading prepared questions
304:39 longer reading prepared questions because your mom couldn't take care of
304:41 because your mom couldn't take care of things. How was I supposed to answer
304:43 things. How was I supposed to answer that? My mom tried to find a way to
304:46 that? My mom tried to find a way to cope, but for her that meant not being
304:47 cope, but for her that meant not being in the house where he died, which was
304:49 in the house where he died, which was understandable, but Sarah was still in
304:52 understandable, but Sarah was still in high school and needed a place to live,
304:54 high school and needed a place to live, a guardian. She wanted my mom to come
304:57 a guardian. She wanted my mom to come home, but my mother couldn't bring
304:58 home, but my mother couldn't bring herself to leave her sister's house. I
305:01 herself to leave her sister's house. I just said she did her best, and I stuck
305:04 just said she did her best, and I stuck around to help.
305:06 around to help. The reality had been slightly more
305:08 The reality had been slightly more nightmarish. No life insurance, coupled
305:11 nightmarish. No life insurance, coupled with my mom not being healthy enough to
305:12 with my mom not being healthy enough to go back to work, left me no choice but
305:14 go back to work, left me no choice but to work two jobs to keep the house out
305:16 to work two jobs to keep the house out of foreclosure. Thank God for the
305:19 of foreclosure. Thank God for the therapy that eventually brought her back
305:20 therapy that eventually brought her back to us. Clark asked. So, at what point
305:24 to us. Clark asked. So, at what point did you realize you were done with
305:26 did you realize you were done with school? I'm not sure to be honest. That
305:30 school? I'm not sure to be honest. That was a lie. I remember the exact moment.
305:34 was a lie. I remember the exact moment. Liz came home for the funeral. All my
305:36 Liz came home for the funeral. All my friends had. And the night before they
305:38 friends had. And the night before they were heading back to school. Everyone
305:39 were heading back to school. Everyone was meeting up at Liz's to hang out. I
305:42 was meeting up at Liz's to hang out. I was getting ready to stop over when my
305:44 was getting ready to stop over when my mom called and asked when I was going
305:45 mom called and asked when I was going back. I was a little surprised that she
305:48 back. I was a little surprised that she was calling as opposed to just coming
305:49 was calling as opposed to just coming over since she was going to have to come
305:51 over since she was going to have to come back soon. But that surprise turned into
305:53 back soon. But that surprise turned into total disbelief when she asked me who
305:55 total disbelief when she asked me who was going to take Sarah to school and
305:57 was going to take Sarah to school and make her dinner after I left. Because my
306:00 make her dinner after I left. Because my mother had no plans to come home. She'd
306:03 mother had no plans to come home. She'd started crying, telling me she couldn't
306:05 started crying, telling me she couldn't handle being in the house where she
306:06 handle being in the house where she found my dad and that she couldn't
306:08 found my dad and that she couldn't handle looking at my sister without
306:10 handle looking at my sister without remembering that day. I tried everything
306:13 remembering that day. I tried everything I could think of to get through to her
306:14 I could think of to get through to her and make her listen. Sarah needs you,
306:17 and make her listen. Sarah needs you, but I finally gave up when the
306:19 but I finally gave up when the conversation stopped, and the only thing
306:21 conversation stopped, and the only thing I can hear over the phone was the sound
306:22 I can hear over the phone was the sound of her sobs.
306:24 of her sobs. I didn't go to Liz's that night. I sat
306:27 I didn't go to Liz's that night. I sat in the kitchen drinking my dad's beers
306:29 in the kitchen drinking my dad's beers and tearing apart the desk, looking at
306:31 and tearing apart the desk, looking at bills and bank statements and trying to
306:33 bills and bank statements and trying to figure out how I was going to cover for
306:34 figure out how I was going to cover for my mom while she was out because we
306:37 my mom while she was out because we didn't have some big extended family who
306:39 didn't have some big extended family who would jump in and save us. My aunt
306:41 would jump in and save us. My aunt Claire was my mom's only sibling and she
306:44 Claire was my mom's only sibling and she was already struggling to make ends meet
306:46 was already struggling to make ends meet as a single mom with a deadbeat ex.
306:49 as a single mom with a deadbeat ex. And my mom didn't get along with her
306:50 And my mom didn't get along with her parents. So, the fact that they didn't
306:52 parents. So, the fact that they didn't come to the funeral showed just how
306:54 come to the funeral showed just how helpful they might be. and my dad's
306:56 helpful they might be. and my dad's parents died before I was born. So, as
306:58 parents died before I was born. So, as badly as I wanted to return to my life
307:00 badly as I wanted to return to my life and go back to LA, how could I? When I
307:04 and go back to LA, how could I? When I waved goodbye to Liz at the airport the
307:06 waved goodbye to Liz at the airport the next morning, I could barely manage a
307:08 next morning, I could barely manage a fake smile as the oppressive weight of
307:10 fake smile as the oppressive weight of everything lowered its every crushing
307:11 everything lowered its every crushing pound on top of me. "Okay." Clark looked
307:15 pound on top of me. "Okay." Clark looked down at the paper and read, "How did the
307:17 down at the paper and read, "How did the coaching staff respond when you told
307:19 coaching staff respond when you told them you were quitting school?"
307:21 them you were quitting school?" Uh, they were cool, I said, realizing
307:24 Uh, they were cool, I said, realizing that I'd been so mentally done with
307:26 that I'd been so mentally done with baseball at the time that I barely
307:27 baseball at the time that I barely remembered their reactions. They said
307:30 remembered their reactions. They said they understood that I needed to do what
307:32 they understood that I needed to do what was best for my family. Did they try to
307:34 was best for my family. Did they try to change your mind or tell you that you
307:36 change your mind or tell you that you could come back? No, I said, remembering
307:40 could come back? No, I said, remembering a lot of incoming calls that I'd
307:42 a lot of incoming calls that I'd intentionally ignored, but I made it
307:44 intentionally ignored, but I made it very clear that I was done with
307:45 very clear that I was done with baseball. Clark looked surprised at
307:48 baseball. Clark looked surprised at that. You didn't see a path back because
307:50 that. You didn't see a path back because of your responsibilities?
307:53 of your responsibilities? I didn't want a path back, I corrected,
307:56 I didn't want a path back, I corrected, scratching my chin. I never wanted to
307:58 scratching my chin. I never wanted to touch a baseball again after my dad
308:00 touch a baseball again after my dad died. Tell me about that, he said. And I
308:04 died. Tell me about that, he said. And I knew that question wasn't on his paper.
308:06 knew that question wasn't on his paper. I swallowed and just said he was always
308:09 I swallowed and just said he was always the center of my baseball world, so I
308:12 the center of my baseball world, so I couldn't imagine playing without him.
308:14 couldn't imagine playing without him. Okay. Clark cleared his throat and read
308:17 Okay. Clark cleared his throat and read the next question.
308:19 the next question. Did you keep in contact with your UCLA
308:21 Did you keep in contact with your UCLA friends after you went back? I did for
308:24 friends after you went back? I did for probably a month, I said, remembering
308:27 probably a month, I said, remembering feeling so godamn alone, like I was on
308:29 feeling so godamn alone, like I was on this deserted island that no one else
308:31 this deserted island that no one else knew existed. But our lives were so
308:34 knew existed. But our lives were so different that after a while, I just
308:36 different that after a while, I just couldn't. They were experiencing new
308:38 couldn't. They were experiencing new things like parties and dorm life, while
308:41 things like parties and dorm life, while I was experiencing new things like
308:42 I was experiencing new things like enrolling in health insurance plans and
308:44 enrolling in health insurance plans and trying to understand an escro statement.
308:46 trying to understand an escro statement. They were studying so they wouldn't fail
308:48 They were studying so they wouldn't fail their exams and I was learning how to
308:50 their exams and I was learning how to rewire the thermostat on our furnace
308:52 rewire the thermostat on our furnace because we couldn't afford an HVAC
308:53 because we couldn't afford an HVAC repair man. I remember trying so hard
308:57 repair man. I remember trying so hard when Liz called to make it sound like
308:59 when Liz called to make it sound like life was normal for me back home because
309:01 life was normal for me back home because I didn't want her to feel guilty for not
309:03 I didn't want her to feel guilty for not being there.
309:05 being there. So what changed last year? Clark asked.
309:08 So what changed last year? Clark asked. What made you start throwing again?
309:11 What made you start throwing again? Finally, we reached the part of the
309:13 Finally, we reached the part of the story that I liked. a mean as hell
309:16 story that I liked. a mean as hell friend. One of my buddies swung by the
309:18 friend. One of my buddies swung by the house to say hi and he found me
309:20 house to say hi and he found me shitfaced and home alone. "You were
309:23 shitfaced and home alone. "You were drinking a lot?" he asked, and I
309:25 drinking a lot?" he asked, and I wondered if I should have kept that to
309:27 wondered if I should have kept that to myself. Although, screw it. It was the
309:30 myself. Although, screw it. It was the truth. Until Michael stepped in,
309:33 truth. Until Michael stepped in, pounding beers while listening to Noah
309:34 pounding beers while listening to Noah Con on repeat was my go-to. I said I got
309:38 Con on repeat was my go-to. I said I got hammered whenever I could as long as
309:41 hammered whenever I could as long as Sarah was in bed because underage
309:43 Sarah was in bed because underage drinking is illegal, you know, and I
309:45 drinking is illegal, you know, and I wouldn't want to be a bad role model.
309:47 wouldn't want to be a bad role model. Clark smiled. Of course. I was a mess to
309:51 Clark smiled. Of course. I was a mess to be honest, I admitted. So, Michael
309:54 be honest, I admitted. So, Michael screamed at me and pushed me into a
309:56 screamed at me and pushed me into a wall, asked me what the hell I was doing
309:58 wall, asked me what the hell I was doing with my life. "Did you hit him?" Clark
310:01 with my life. "Did you hit him?" Clark asked, grinning. "No," I said, shaking
310:04 asked, grinning. "No," I said, shaking my head. I broke down and cried like a
310:07 my head. I broke down and cried like a baby. "No," Clark said empathetically.
310:11 baby. "No," Clark said empathetically. "Oh, yes," I said, smiling at the
310:14 "Oh, yes," I said, smiling at the memory. "You can ask Michael." I was
310:17 memory. "You can ask Michael." I was very pathetic. But instead of feeling
310:20 very pathetic. But instead of feeling bad for me, he shoved my drunk ass in
310:22 bad for me, he shoved my drunk ass in his car and drove me to the baseball
310:24 his car and drove me to the baseball field, flipped on the lights, and tried
310:26 field, flipped on the lights, and tried to force me to play catch with him.
310:28 to force me to play catch with him. "Forced you?" Well, at first he asked,
310:31 "Forced you?" Well, at first he asked, but when I refused to even put on the
310:33 but when I refused to even put on the glove, the dick just started throwing
310:35 glove, the dick just started throwing baseballs at me. Seriously? Clark
310:38 baseballs at me. Seriously? Clark started laughing. For real? Hard as
310:41 started laughing. For real? Hard as hell. He pummeled me with baseballs
310:43 hell. He pummeled me with baseballs until I had to put on the glove to
310:45 until I had to put on the glove to protect myself because those baseballs
310:47 protect myself because those baseballs [ __ ] hurt. And once I had the glove
310:49 [ __ ] hurt. And once I had the glove on, he physically hauled me out to the
310:51 on, he physically hauled me out to the mound, dragged me literally, and forced
310:54 mound, dragged me literally, and forced me to throw a pitch. And did it feel
310:56 me to throw a pitch. And did it feel good? Clark asked. No, I said, letting
311:01 good? Clark asked. No, I said, letting out a big exhale. I threw up all over
311:03 out a big exhale. I threw up all over the mound and kind of wanted to die,
311:06 the mound and kind of wanted to die, but he made me give him 10 pitches
311:08 but he made me give him 10 pitches before he'd take me home. And by the
311:10 before he'd take me home. And by the time I was done, I realized that
311:12 time I was done, I realized that pitching made me feel something I hadn't
311:14 pitching made me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time. What's that? Clark
311:17 felt in a long time. What's that? Clark asked. Control.
311:20 asked. Control. Since my dad died, I'd had zero control
311:23 Since my dad died, I'd had zero control of anything in my life. But that ball in
311:26 of anything in my life. But that ball in my hand was under my power and it felt
311:29 my hand was under my power and it felt good. Is this when you started trying?
311:33 good. Is this when you started trying? He asked. When did the switch officially
311:36 He asked. When did the switch officially flip? When my mom got better and my
311:38 flip? When my mom got better and my genius sister started getting full ride
311:40 genius sister started getting full ride offers to great schools. Michael
311:43 offers to great schools. Michael convinced me to reach out to my UCLA
311:44 convinced me to reach out to my UCLA coaches and and I made some calls and
311:48 coaches and and I made some calls and sent some emails. They were nice and
311:51 sent some emails. They were nice and sent a few responses back, but when I
311:53 sent a few responses back, but when I mentioned the possibility of throwing
311:55 mentioned the possibility of throwing for them or getting a try out, they
311:57 for them or getting a try out, they ghosted me. I couldn't reach anyone
311:59 ghosted me. I couldn't reach anyone anymore, which I absolutely understood.
312:03 anymore, which I absolutely understood. A pitcher who takes 2 years off? That's
312:05 A pitcher who takes 2 years off? That's an absurd gamble. I would have done the
312:08 an absurd gamble. I would have done the same thing. So, what' you do? How'd you
312:11 same thing. So, what' you do? How'd you get them to finally respond to you?
312:13 get them to finally respond to you? Clark asked. I started texting every
312:16 Clark asked. I started texting every staff member, all of them, every single
312:18 staff member, all of them, every single day, sending them timestamp videos of my
312:21 day, sending them timestamp videos of my pitching practice. I confessed, grinning
312:23 pitching practice. I confessed, grinning at the memory. I even emailed the ad
312:26 at the memory. I even emailed the ad every damn day. My high school coach let
312:29 every damn day. My high school coach let me use the gun, so I just spam texted
312:31 me use the gun, so I just spam texted them all videos of me throwing 100 mph
312:33 them all videos of me throwing 100 mph fast balls that were right in the zone.
312:35 fast balls that were right in the zone. Clark was laughing when he asked, "So,
312:38 Clark was laughing when he asked, "So, did they fly you in for a try out after
312:39 did they fly you in for a try out after all the spamming?" "Oh, no," I said.
312:42 all the spamming?" "Oh, no," I said. They told me that if I was ever going to
312:44 They told me that if I was ever going to be in LA to reach out and they let me
312:46 be in LA to reach out and they let me throw for them. I'd never say it on
312:48 throw for them. I'd never say it on camera, but Ross was the only one who'd
312:50 camera, but Ross was the only one who'd been honest with me. He'd called me one
312:53 been honest with me. He'd called me one afternoon and said in that minimalist
312:54 afternoon and said in that minimalist cowboy way of his, "I like you, kid. So,
312:58 cowboy way of his, "I like you, kid. So, I'm going to tell you what you need to
312:59 I'm going to tell you what you need to hear. It's been too long and you need to
313:02 hear. It's been too long and you need to move on. Knock this crap off before you
313:05 move on. Knock this crap off before you ruin your life wishing." Clark asked.
313:08 ruin your life wishing." Clark asked. So, you flew there, right? I couldn't
313:11 So, you flew there, right? I couldn't afford to fly. Are you kidding me? I
313:13 afford to fly. Are you kidding me? I laughed at that. Able to laugh now at
313:15 laughed at that. Able to laugh now at how impulsive I'd been. No, I left that
313:18 how impulsive I'd been. No, I left that night and drove my shitty car straight
313:20 night and drove my shitty car straight to campus with Sarah sleeping in the
313:22 to campus with Sarah sleeping in the back seat when she wasn't taking turns
313:23 back seat when she wasn't taking turns driving. How long of a drive is that? 22
313:28 driving. How long of a drive is that? 22 hours.
313:30 hours. Wow, Clark replied, his voice loud. Were
313:34 Wow, Clark replied, his voice loud. Were they happy to see you? between you and
313:36 they happy to see you? between you and me," I said. I think they were pissing
313:39 me," I said. I think they were pissing themselves like, "Oh no, he actually
313:42 themselves like, "Oh no, he actually came." Clark threw his head back and
313:45 came." Clark threw his head back and started cackling. He half yelled, "And
313:47 started cackling. He half yelled, "And how was the try out?" "Better than I
313:50 how was the try out?" "Better than I could have ever hoped for." Two coaches
313:52 could have ever hoped for." Two coaches begrudgingly letting me throw, even
313:54 begrudgingly letting me throw, even though it was obvious they weren't
313:55 though it was obvious they weren't considering me. Lots of hush
313:57 considering me. Lots of hush conversation and awkward tension. Ross
314:00 conversation and awkward tension. Ross shaking his head when he saw me. an
314:02 shaking his head when he saw me. an obnoxious little sister loudly cheering
314:04 obnoxious little sister loudly cheering me on from the empty stands. A slight
314:07 me on from the empty stands. A slight anxiety attack as I took the mound and
314:09 anxiety attack as I took the mound and got ready to throw the first pitch. And
314:11 got ready to throw the first pitch. And then perfection.
314:14 then perfection. Strike after strike after strike. More
314:18 Strike after strike after strike. More coaches watching. One with the gun. Ross
314:21 coaches watching. One with the gun. Ross grinning. More strikes. Faster pitches.
314:24 grinning. More strikes. Faster pitches. Ridiculous changeups. Badass breaking
314:27 Ridiculous changeups. Badass breaking balls. It'd been better than the movies.
314:30 balls. It'd been better than the movies. I swear to God.
314:32 I swear to God. When we finished the interview, Clark
314:33 When we finished the interview, Clark hugged me. Bring it in, man. And it
314:36 hugged me. Bring it in, man. And it pissed me off because it made me feel
314:39 pissed me off because it made me feel like an [ __ ] I mean, it was an
314:42 like an [ __ ] I mean, it was an [ __ ] move to be in love with someone
314:43 [ __ ] move to be in love with someone else's girlfriend, right? Especially
314:46 else's girlfriend, right? Especially when he was kind of starting to feel
314:47 when he was kind of starting to feel like a friend. Like, how the hell had he
314:50 like a friend. Like, how the hell had he done that? Become something similar to a
314:52 done that? Become something similar to a friend. I didn't want to like the guy,
314:54 friend. I didn't want to like the guy, damn it. Because it was unfair for me to
314:56 damn it. Because it was unfair for me to feel guilty for wanting her. She was
314:59 feel guilty for wanting her. She was mine first.
315:01 mine first. As soon as I left the office, I checked
315:03 As soon as I left the office, I checked my phone and saw a message from my
315:04 my phone and saw a message from my sister.
315:06 sister. So, how'd it go? I quickly fired off.
315:10 So, how'd it go? I quickly fired off. Shockingly well. I spilled everything
315:12 Shockingly well. I spilled everything and don't regret it yet. Sarah, proud of
315:16 and don't regret it yet. Sarah, proud of you, kid. I replied, "Gee, thanks, Ma."
315:20 you, kid. I replied, "Gee, thanks, Ma." "Sarah, so how did Liz react?" I wasn't
315:24 "Sarah, so how did Liz react?" I wasn't sure how to explain it, so I just texted
315:27 sure how to explain it, so I just texted late to class. I'll call later. That was
315:30 late to class. I'll call later. That was actually not a lie. So, I found an
315:33 actually not a lie. So, I found an escooter and hold ass toward Kaplan
315:35 escooter and hold ass toward Kaplan because we had a test that day that I
315:37 because we had a test that day that I couldn't miss. But as I flew across
315:39 couldn't miss. But as I flew across campus, I was kind of a [ __ ] show of
315:41 campus, I was kind of a [ __ ] show of feelings and not the ones I'd expected.
315:45 feelings and not the ones I'd expected. I felt like I could cry, literally,
315:48 I felt like I could cry, literally, because I just talked through the entire
315:49 because I just talked through the entire nightmare and hadn't wanted to rage. I
315:52 nightmare and hadn't wanted to rage. I also wanted to cry with relief because I
315:54 also wanted to cry with relief because I hadn't felt like crying. Talking about
315:56 hadn't felt like crying. Talking about it hadn't gutted me, which felt like a
315:59 it hadn't gutted me, which felt like a win. I finally had closure, it seemed.
316:03 win. I finally had closure, it seemed. But it was the idea of that, having
316:05 But it was the idea of that, having closure, that made me emo as hell.
316:16 >> Chapter 22. You were my new dream, Tangled.
316:21 You were my new dream, Tangled. Liz,
316:24 Liz, I was pacing around the production
316:25 I was pacing around the production office when I heard the door open.
316:28 office when I heard the door open. >> "That is quite the story," Clark said,
316:34 >> "That is quite the story," Clark said, walking over to his desk and dropping
316:35 walking over to his desk and dropping his gear. "Finally," I said, so happy to
316:40 his gear. "Finally," I said, so happy to see him. I'd blown off my class to wait
316:43 see him. I'd blown off my class to wait for him, and it had been killing me. I'd
316:45 for him, and it had been killing me. I'd been pacing like a caged animal,
316:48 been pacing like a caged animal, wondering if he was asking Lilith
316:49 wondering if he was asking Lilith questions properly, if Wes was answering
316:52 questions properly, if Wes was answering him, and if Lilith was going to kill me
316:54 him, and if Lilith was going to kill me for my unprofessionalism.
316:57 for my unprofessionalism. "Oh my god, tell me everything that
316:59 "Oh my god, tell me everything that happened, and I'm so sorry for falling
317:01 happened, and I'm so sorry for falling apart." "Don't apologize.
317:05 apart." "Don't apologize. I get it now," he said, taking the
317:08 I get it now," he said, taking the scrunchie off his wrist and pulling his
317:10 scrunchie off his wrist and pulling his hair up.
317:11 hair up. The entire time I walked down here, I've
317:14 The entire time I walked down here, I've been thinking about how poor little
317:17 been thinking about how poor little freshman lizard must have been so sad.
317:21 freshman lizard must have been so sad. Wait, did he mention me? I asked, scared
317:25 Wait, did he mention me? I asked, scared of the answer.
317:27 of the answer. Oh, no. He was very careful about that.
317:31 Oh, no. He was very careful about that. Clark crossed his arms and said
317:34 Clark crossed his arms and said he never even mentioned he had a
317:36 he never even mentioned he had a girlfriend when his dad died.
317:39 girlfriend when his dad died. Oh, good, I said, relieved.
317:44 Oh, good, I said, relieved. Now, tell me everything he said.
317:47 Now, tell me everything he said. I don't have time, he said, glancing
317:50 I don't have time, he said, glancing down at his watch. I'm late as it is,
317:53 down at his watch. I'm late as it is, but you're going to die when you hear
317:54 but you're going to die when you hear the story. Just pull the card and watch
317:57 the story. Just pull the card and watch it yourself.
317:59 it yourself. Okay. Thank you so much, by the way, I
318:02 Okay. Thank you so much, by the way, I said, standing to hug him.
318:05 said, standing to hug him. I really appreciate you saving my ass.
318:09 I really appreciate you saving my ass. What are boyfriends for? He teased,
318:12 What are boyfriends for? He teased, hugging me back. I think Lilith is going
318:15 hugging me back. I think Lilith is going to love what your boy gave us. He's not
318:18 to love what your boy gave us. He's not my boy, I said defensively, irritated
318:21 my boy, I said defensively, irritated that he'd say that.
318:23 that he'd say that. The way you're focusing on that and not
318:26 The way you're focusing on that and not what I said about Lilith speaks volumes.
318:30 what I said about Lilith speaks volumes. Clark stepped away from me and grabbed
318:32 Clark stepped away from me and grabbed his backpack from under his cubicle.
318:35 his backpack from under his cubicle. Text me what you think.
318:37 Text me what you think. >> I'll probably show it to Lilis and then
318:39 >> I'll probably show it to Lilis and then text you, I said, dreading the fact that
318:43 text you, I said, dreading the fact that I was going to have to show her what an
318:44 I was going to have to show her what an absolute unprofessional I was. She was
318:48 absolute unprofessional I was. She was going to have video proof that I'd lied
318:50 going to have video proof that I'd lied when I said I could be professional with
318:52 when I said I could be professional with Wes.
318:54 Wes. Cool. Cool. He said, and then he was
318:57 Cool. Cool. He said, and then he was gone.
318:58 gone. I took a deep breath, for some reason,
319:01 I took a deep breath, for some reason, ridiculously nervous to watch the
319:03 ridiculously nervous to watch the interview.
319:04 interview. I'd purposely avoided filling in the
319:06 I'd purposely avoided filling in the blanks via internet research once I knew
319:08 blanks via internet research once I knew I'd be interviewing Wes, so I still
319:10 I'd be interviewing Wes, so I still didn't know the logistics of how he came
319:12 didn't know the logistics of how he came back. I was dying to find out, but for
319:17 back. I was dying to find out, but for some reason, the thought of watching him
319:19 some reason, the thought of watching him tell the story filled me with dread.
319:24 tell the story filled me with dread. I sighed and loaded the drive, knowing
319:27 I sighed and loaded the drive, knowing with absolute certainty that I was going
319:30 with absolute certainty that I was going to hate what I saw. But it wasn't just
319:33 to hate what I saw. But it wasn't just bad. It was awful.
319:37 bad. It was awful. The worst thing I'd ever seen because it
319:40 The worst thing I'd ever seen because it couldn't have been more than 30 minutes
319:42 couldn't have been more than 30 minutes of content with only a few questions I
319:44 of content with only a few questions I hadn't seen on the list. But so many of
319:47 hadn't seen on the list. But so many of his answers seemed wrong,
319:51 his answers seemed wrong, weren't they?
319:53 weren't they? They couldn't be right because I'd been
319:55 They couldn't be right because I'd been there at the time and had known nothing
319:57 there at the time and had known nothing about the things he was saying.
320:00 about the things he was saying. In my recollection, he found out his dad
320:03 In my recollection, he found out his dad died and after the funeral, he decided
320:05 died and after the funeral, he decided to take the semester off because he
320:07 to take the semester off because he missed his dad too much to play
320:09 missed his dad too much to play baseball. It had gutted him realizing
320:12 baseball. It had gutted him realizing that he literally couldn't touch a ball
320:14 that he literally couldn't touch a ball without feeling physically ill, but I
320:17 without feeling physically ill, but I told him it was fine because it was. I
320:22 told him it was fine because it was. I didn't care if he ever played baseball
320:23 didn't care if he ever played baseball again.
320:25 again. He took a job at HY so he'd be able to
320:27 He took a job at HY so he'd be able to afford school second semester in Omaha.
320:31 afford school second semester in Omaha. And I used to talk to him every night
320:33 And I used to talk to him every night when he got off work.
320:35 when he got off work. So where in that did these things he
320:38 So where in that did these things he said to Clark fit in? Had his mother had
320:42 said to Clark fit in? Had his mother had a breakdown and Wes had to take care of
320:44 a breakdown and Wes had to take care of his family? And if the answer to that
320:47 his family? And if the answer to that was yes, why hadn't he told me?
320:51 was yes, why hadn't he told me? And my heart was in my throat when he
320:53 And my heart was in my throat when he answered the question about his friends
320:55 answered the question about his friends back at UCLA
320:57 back at UCLA because I couldn't help but wonder.
321:00 because I couldn't help but wonder. Was he talking about me?
321:02 Was he talking about me? It felt like he was.
321:05 It felt like he was. Had it really been like that for him?
321:08 Had it really been like that for him? I'd loved texting and facetiming every
321:10 I'd loved texting and facetiming every day, and I thought he had too. We used
321:13 day, and I thought he had too. We used to joke that there was something kind of
321:15 to joke that there was something kind of fun about it, even while it sucked. And
321:18 fun about it, even while it sucked. And we laughed that when he got back to
321:20 we laughed that when he got back to school the next fall, we'd probably miss
321:23 school the next fall, we'd probably miss little things about it,
321:25 little things about it, like the way he always took a screenshot
321:27 like the way he always took a screenshot of our FaceTime calls before we hung up.
321:31 of our FaceTime calls before we hung up. I'd felt bad for him that he wasn't in
321:33 I'd felt bad for him that he wasn't in school and had to work. But in my
321:36 school and had to work. But in my wildest dreams,
321:38 wildest dreams, I hadn't imagined that he was the one
321:40 I hadn't imagined that he was the one taking care of his family.
321:43 taking care of his family. Escrow statements and rewiring the
321:45 Escrow statements and rewiring the thermostat.
321:48 thermostat. He hadn't been able to trust me. Was
321:50 He hadn't been able to trust me. Was that it? He'd felt like he couldn't tell
321:53 that it? He'd felt like he couldn't tell me that his world had collapsed.
321:56 me that his world had collapsed. I remembered him celebrating my tiny
321:59 I remembered him celebrating my tiny school victories via FaceTime, seeming
322:01 school victories via FaceTime, seeming excited when I shared little anecdotes
322:03 excited when I shared little anecdotes from my music classes.
322:06 from my music classes. Was that a factor?
322:08 Was that a factor? Had I made him embarrassed?
322:11 Had I made him embarrassed? Had I been too obtuse?
322:13 Had I been too obtuse? Should I have known?
322:16 Should I have known? When the video stopped, I took it out
322:19 When the video stopped, I took it out and went up to Lilith's office.
322:22 and went up to Lilith's office. Clark was right. She was going to love
322:24 Clark was right. She was going to love Wes's interview. His story about begging
322:27 Wes's interview. His story about begging for a try out, then driving cross
322:29 for a try out, then driving cross country all night with his sister. Even
322:32 country all night with his sister. Even I loved that part because wow, what a
322:35 I loved that part because wow, what a gamble. What a perfect ending.
322:39 gamble. What a perfect ending. It also made me miss Sarah, who I hadn't
322:42 It also made me miss Sarah, who I hadn't thought of in ages.
322:44 thought of in ages. Lilith's door was closed when I got to
322:46 Lilith's door was closed when I got to her office, and I was nervous to knock.
322:50 her office, and I was nervous to knock. There was no doubt she'd love the
322:52 There was no doubt she'd love the interview,
322:53 interview, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to
322:55 but that didn't mean she wasn't going to lose total respect for me, given the
322:57 lose total respect for me, given the fact that I'd choked.
323:00 fact that I'd choked. I took a deep breath and knocked,
323:02 I took a deep breath and knocked, feeling like a naughty child when she
323:04 feeling like a naughty child when she said, "Come in." And I nervously opened
323:08 said, "Come in." And I nervously opened the door.
323:10 the door. "Do you have a sec?" "Of course. Come
323:13 "Do you have a sec?" "Of course. Come in. What's up?
323:15 in. What's up? I took another deep breath and started
323:17 I took another deep breath and started talking as I entered.
323:20 talking as I entered. We finished Wes Bennett's interview and
323:22 We finished Wes Bennett's interview and I wanted you to take a look. Now I Ooh,
323:25 I wanted you to take a look. Now I Ooh, give me, she said, standing and reaching
323:28 give me, she said, standing and reaching for the drive in my hand. Thank you so
323:31 for the drive in my hand. Thank you so much for making it a priority.
323:34 much for making it a priority. Yeah. Um, here's the thing, I said,
323:38 Yeah. Um, here's the thing, I said, handing it to her, unsure how to even
323:41 handing it to her, unsure how to even explain what happened.
323:43 explain what happened. I started the interview, but we didn't
323:47 I started the interview, but we didn't get very far before I stepped out and
323:49 get very far before I stepped out and Clark stepped in with the questions.
323:52 Clark stepped in with the questions. She looked at me over the top of her
323:54 She looked at me over the top of her glasses.
323:56 glasses. Was he out of line? No, I corrected.
324:00 Was he out of line? No, I corrected. Nothing like that. He was helping me.
324:03 Nothing like that. He was helping me. Okay. Well, let's watch it. No worries.
324:09 Okay. Well, let's watch it. No worries. It took Lilith no time to have the
324:11 It took Lilith no time to have the interview loaded up and playing on her
324:13 interview loaded up and playing on her wall monitor.
324:14 wall monitor. She stapled her fingers under her chin
324:17 She stapled her fingers under her chin and watched without a word, her face
324:19 and watched without a word, her face unreadable.
324:21 unreadable. I squirmed in my chair when it got to
324:23 I squirmed in my chair when it got to the part where I stood up and sounded
324:25 the part where I stood up and sounded like an unprofessional teenager with my
324:27 like an unprofessional teenager with my whole I can't do this thing. But
324:30 whole I can't do this thing. But Lilith's expression didn't change.
324:34 Lilith's expression didn't change. And this time I watched Wes watching me
324:38 And this time I watched Wes watching me freak out, which made my stomach flip.
324:42 freak out, which made my stomach flip. A wrinkle formed between his eyebrows,
324:45 A wrinkle formed between his eyebrows, and he looked up at me from his
324:46 and he looked up at me from his conference room chair with a million
324:48 conference room chair with a million questions in his eyes, almost as if he
324:51 questions in his eyes, almost as if he was asking how it was that I couldn't do
324:54 was asking how it was that I couldn't do it when he was the one who' lived it.
324:57 it when he was the one who' lived it. Yeah, fair.
325:00 Yeah, fair. Lilis sat perfectly still until the
325:01 Lilis sat perfectly still until the interview ended.
325:03 interview ended. My armpits were sweaty and I knew my
325:07 My armpits were sweaty and I knew my cheeks were beat red.
325:09 cheeks were beat red. "Wow," she finally said, looking across
325:13 "Wow," she finally said, looking across the desk at me. "I already knew the
325:16 the desk at me. "I already knew the general story, but I am still blown
325:20 general story, but I am still blown away."
325:21 away." "Great interview."
325:24 "Great interview." "Thanks," I said, waiting for the rest.
325:29 "Thanks," I said, waiting for the rest. And I have thoughts about Clark's
325:31 And I have thoughts about Clark's unexpected onscreen appearance.
325:34 unexpected onscreen appearance. And here it is.
325:38 And here it is. Obviously, you were struggling. So, your
325:41 Obviously, you were struggling. So, your intuition with Clark
325:44 intuition with Clark was spot on. It gets so much better when
325:47 was spot on. It gets so much better when they're talking.
325:49 they're talking. She was nodding while she said. I'm not
325:52 She was nodding while she said. I'm not sure if Wes opens up better with a guy
325:54 sure if Wes opens up better with a guy or maybe it has to do with the fact that
325:56 or maybe it has to do with the fact that the two of you dated, but it's like a
325:59 the two of you dated, but it's like a night and day difference, don't you
326:00 night and day difference, don't you think?
326:02 think? Yes, I do, I agreed. Relief flooding me
326:06 Yes, I do, I agreed. Relief flooding me that she wasn't mad.
326:09 that she wasn't mad. Okay, great, Lilis said, grabbing a pen
326:13 Okay, great, Lilis said, grabbing a pen and writing something in her planner. I
326:15 and writing something in her planner. I have a million ideas now that are
326:17 have a million ideas now that are bouncing through my brain, so I need to
326:19 bouncing through my brain, so I need to organize them before they disappear.
326:22 organize them before they disappear. However, before you go, I wanted to tell
326:24 However, before you go, I wanted to tell you that I watched the real you sent
326:25 you that I watched the real you sent over, and I love it. Post it already.
326:30 over, and I love it. Post it already. My voice was a little too high pitched,
326:32 My voice was a little too high pitched, but Lilith's glowing endorsement was too
326:35 but Lilith's glowing endorsement was too fantastic for my voice to remain at
326:37 fantastic for my voice to remain at normal human decel range. "It's
326:40 normal human decel range. "It's perfection. Don't change a thing."
326:42 perfection. Don't change a thing." "Thank you," I said, beaming like a kid
326:46 "Thank you," I said, beaming like a kid who'd just given her art project to
326:48 who'd just given her art project to mommy.
326:50 mommy. Lilith's praise had me buzzing as I
326:52 Lilith's praise had me buzzing as I scrambled to make it to my next class on
326:54 scrambled to make it to my next class on time.
326:56 time. It's perfection.
326:58 It's perfection. Don't change a thing.
327:00 Don't change a thing. I was at a near run towards Shoenberg
327:02 I was at a near run towards Shoenberg Hall when I remembered that I told Clark
327:05 Hall when I remembered that I told Clark I'd text him. I pulled out my phone
327:07 I'd text him. I pulled out my phone without slowing, but when I unlocked it,
327:10 without slowing, but when I unlocked it, I had an unread text from Wes.
327:15 I had an unread text from Wes. I stumbled to a stop, making people go
327:18 I stumbled to a stop, making people go around me as I tapped the message. I was
327:21 around me as I tapped the message. I was frozen in place because why would he be
327:24 frozen in place because why would he be texting me?
327:26 texting me? Wes,
327:28 Wes, you okay?
327:30 you okay? I blinked and definitely wasn't okay.
327:35 I blinked and definitely wasn't okay. Not now.
327:37 Not now. Because why would he send me a message
327:39 Because why would he send me a message like that?
327:40 like that? I glanced at the time of the text and
327:43 I glanced at the time of the text and he'd obviously sent it sometime after I
327:46 he'd obviously sent it sometime after I left him in Clark's interviewing hands.
327:49 left him in Clark's interviewing hands. I had a meltdown and left, which made
327:52 I had a meltdown and left, which made him send me a text, asking if I was
327:55 him send me a text, asking if I was okay.
327:57 okay. I knew I should probably respond with
327:59 I knew I should probably respond with something like, "I'm good, but how are
328:01 something like, "I'm good, but how are you?" Or maybe, "I am. Thanks for
328:05 you?" Or maybe, "I am. Thanks for checking." because he was being nice,
328:09 checking." because he was being nice, thoughtful.
328:11 thoughtful. But as I kept rereading those two words,
328:13 But as I kept rereading those two words, hearing them in his voice, I hated all
328:17 hearing them in his voice, I hated all the feelings they elicited. I didn't
328:20 the feelings they elicited. I didn't have feelings about him anymore. Damn
328:22 have feelings about him anymore. Damn it. I put the phone away and went to
328:25 it. I put the phone away and went to class, irritated that I was irritated
328:27 class, irritated that I was irritated after Lilith had been happy with my
328:29 after Lilith had been happy with my reel. I should be skipping across
328:31 reel. I should be skipping across campus. But as I took my seat in the
328:34 campus. But as I took my seat in the lecture hall and rifled for a pencil, I
328:37 lecture hall and rifled for a pencil, I realized that Wes's thoughtfulness had
328:39 realized that Wes's thoughtfulness had really ruined my mood. So that night
328:43 really ruined my mood. So that night when I was sitting on the couch eating
328:45 when I was sitting on the couch eating beef top ramen straight from the pot in
328:47 beef top ramen straight from the pot in front of Gilmore Girls, I wanted to
328:49 front of Gilmore Girls, I wanted to scream when Clark dared to plop down
328:51 scream when Clark dared to plop down beside me and say, "How would you feel
328:54 beside me and say, "How would you feel about me being friends with your ex?"
328:57 about me being friends with your ex?" I slurped up the noodles while glaring
328:59 I slurped up the noodles while glaring at him. What does that even mean? Has he
329:04 at him. What does that even mean? Has he offered you a spot in his posi or
329:06 offered you a spot in his posi or something?
329:08 something? He sighed patiently, staring directly at
329:11 He sighed patiently, staring directly at the curly noodles disappearing into my
329:13 the curly noodles disappearing into my mouth while Kirk performed the journey
329:16 mouth while Kirk performed the journey of man on the TV.
329:18 of man on the TV. It just means I really like the guy and
329:23 It just means I really like the guy and don't want you to be pissed that I do.
329:26 don't want you to be pissed that I do. Yeah, well, he's a really likable guy.
329:30 Yeah, well, he's a really likable guy. Had anyone ever not liked Wes? I wasn't
329:34 Had anyone ever not liked Wes? I wasn't a child and I couldn't tell Clark who he
329:37 a child and I couldn't tell Clark who he could be friends with, but it annoyed me
329:39 could be friends with, but it annoyed me at that particular moment.
329:42 at that particular moment. So are a lot of people. I mean, do
329:45 So are a lot of people. I mean, do whatever you want as long as I'm still
329:48 whatever you want as long as I'm still number one.
329:50 number one. Don't pout. Of course you are, he said,
329:55 Don't pout. Of course you are, he said, putting his feet up on the coffee table.
329:58 putting his feet up on the coffee table. But hear me out about something. You
330:00 But hear me out about something. You should maybe forgive him for breaking
330:02 should maybe forgive him for breaking your heart. It was a long time ago and
330:05 your heart. It was a long time ago and he was going through a lot at the time.
330:08 he was going through a lot at the time. What? I kind of yelled at. Are you
330:12 What? I kind of yelled at. Are you serious right now? I just like sense he
330:16 serious right now? I just like sense he wants to be your friend.
330:19 wants to be your friend. Oh, so you're high right now? I
330:22 Oh, so you're high right now? I corrected, insulted by the way he was
330:25 corrected, insulted by the way he was butdding his nose into a path he knew
330:27 butdding his nose into a path he knew nothing about.
330:29 nothing about. For the love of God, Liz, I just felt it
330:32 For the love of God, Liz, I just felt it this morning. Okay. Like, I could see it
330:35 this morning. Okay. Like, I could see it in his eyes when he looked at you. Yeah.
330:38 in his eyes when he looked at you. Yeah. Well, those eyes cheated on me, so no. I
330:43 Well, those eyes cheated on me, so no. I gritted my teeth, stealing myself
330:45 gritted my teeth, stealing myself against the anger that was supposed to
330:46 against the anger that was supposed to be gone by now, and said, "I have no ill
330:51 be gone by now, and said, "I have no ill will regarding Wes, and I wish him the
330:54 will regarding Wes, and I wish him the best, but I'm content to stay very far
330:57 best, but I'm content to stay very far away from him. Thank you."
331:00 away from him. Thank you." He cheated.
331:03 He cheated. Now, Clark was the one kind of yelling,
331:05 Now, Clark was the one kind of yelling, his eyes huge in his face. He cheated on
331:09 his eyes huge in his face. He cheated on you. I didn't know that.
331:12 you. I didn't know that. Yeah, well, it's not my favorite thing
331:14 Yeah, well, it's not my favorite thing to discuss.
331:17 to discuss. I can't believe that, he said, shaking
331:22 I can't believe that, he said, shaking his head slowly as if I just told him
331:24 his head slowly as if I just told him Wes was an actual vampire.
331:27 Wes was an actual vampire. Right.
331:29 Right. It's just so hard to believe, he said,
331:34 It's just so hard to believe, he said, looking shocked.
331:36 looking shocked. He just doesn't seem the type.
331:39 He just doesn't seem the type. Trust me, I know, I replied, really
331:42 Trust me, I know, I replied, really wanting him to shut up about it.
331:46 wanting him to shut up about it. Are you sure? He asked, his eyes
331:49 Are you sure? He asked, his eyes narrowing.
331:50 narrowing. I mean, it's just impossible to believe.
331:54 I mean, it's just impossible to believe. Oh my god, I don't want to talk about
331:56 Oh my god, I don't want to talk about this. Okay. I dropped the silver pot on
331:59 this. Okay. I dropped the silver pot on the coffee table and stood. Be his
332:02 the coffee table and stood. Be his friend. I don't care, but please just
332:04 friend. I don't care, but please just stop talking about him.
332:06 stop talking about him. I went into my room and slammed the
332:08 I went into my room and slammed the door, so frustrated that I wanted to
332:11 door, so frustrated that I wanted to throw something. After a long day of
332:14 throw something. After a long day of shutting out unwelcome emotions
332:15 shutting out unwelcome emotions regarding Wes, I just wanted to come
332:18 regarding Wes, I just wanted to come home and escape, to watch comfort TV and
332:22 home and escape, to watch comfort TV and think about nothing.
332:24 think about nothing. Instead, I was treated to my best friend
332:27 Instead, I was treated to my best friend asking me if I was sure Wes had cheated
332:30 asking me if I was sure Wes had cheated on me. Was I sure? What kind of question
332:34 on me. Was I sure? What kind of question was that?
332:35 was that? Wes Bennett had looked me in the eye on
332:38 Wes Bennett had looked me in the eye on New Year's Day and told me that he had.
332:49 >> Chapter 23. I can't figure out the mathematics of
332:51 I can't figure out the mathematics of this. I just know I love you. The
332:55 this. I just know I love you. The holiday.
332:57 holiday. Wes.
332:59 Wes. Knock knock knock. I stood at Ross'
333:01 Knock knock knock. I stood at Ross' office door, clueless as to why he'd
333:03 office door, clueless as to why he'd asked me to see him after practice. I
333:05 asked me to see him after practice. I had thrown well and had been on top of
333:07 had thrown well and had been on top of my [ __ ] during PFPs. So, unless he
333:10 my [ __ ] during PFPs. So, unless he wanted to kiss my ass for being awesome,
333:12 wanted to kiss my ass for being awesome, which Ross did not normally do,
333:15 which Ross did not normally do, something was probably wrong. Bennett,
333:18 something was probably wrong. Bennett, he was sitting behind his desk looking
333:20 he was sitting behind his desk looking annoyed. Come in. I stepped inside and
333:24 annoyed. Come in. I stepped inside and when I did, I noticed the blonde. She
333:27 when I did, I noticed the blonde. She was probably in her early 30s. LA
333:29 was probably in her early 30s. LA beautiful, wearing smart girl glasses
333:32 beautiful, wearing smart girl glasses and shiny black high heels that you
333:33 and shiny black high heels that you could see a reflection in. She was
333:36 could see a reflection in. She was sitting in one of the chairs by his
333:37 sitting in one of the chairs by his desk, smiling like she knew me, while
333:40 desk, smiling like she knew me, while Ross glared like he didn't want to know
333:42 Ross glared like he didn't want to know her. Interesting. "What's up? This is
333:46 her. Interesting. "What's up? This is Lilith Grossman," he said, looking
333:48 Lilith Grossman," he said, looking pissed about it. "She's a film. We've
333:51 pissed about it. "She's a film. We've met, though not in person," she
333:53 met, though not in person," she interrupted, standing and coming over,
333:55 interrupted, standing and coming over, holding out her hand.
333:57 holding out her hand. You've been kind enough not to tell me
333:59 You've been kind enough not to tell me to go to hell when I've since you've
334:00 to go to hell when I've since you've wanted to. Nice to meet you, I said,
334:03 wanted to. Nice to meet you, I said, shaking her hand and giving into a laugh
334:05 shaking her hand and giving into a laugh because I liked her honesty. And you're
334:08 because I liked her honesty. And you're welcome. That made her laugh. And she
334:11 welcome. That made her laugh. And she said, I'd like to talk to you for a
334:13 said, I'd like to talk to you for a second. She'd like to pitch something to
334:15 second. She'd like to pitch something to you is what she means, Ross said. She
334:19 you is what she means, Ross said. She gave a little shrug. He's actually not
334:21 gave a little shrug. He's actually not wrong for once. Do you have 5 minutes?
334:25 wrong for once. Do you have 5 minutes? Before the interview the other day, I
334:27 Before the interview the other day, I would have said no. I would have treated
334:29 would have said no. I would have treated her exactly the way Ross was treating
334:31 her exactly the way Ross was treating her, but it hadn't been too bad, and she
334:34 her, but it hadn't been too bad, and she sent a thank you email after that was
334:35 sent a thank you email after that was really sweet. Apparently, she lost her
334:38 really sweet. Apparently, she lost her dad when she was in high school, so she
334:40 dad when she was in high school, so she said a lot of things that hit really
334:41 said a lot of things that hit really close to home. Add that to the fact that
334:44 close to home. Add that to the fact that Liz worshiped her and Ross seemed to
334:46 Liz worshiped her and Ross seemed to hate her, and she was definitely the
334:48 hate her, and she was definitely the most interesting person in the building.
334:50 most interesting person in the building. Sure, I said following her over to the
334:53 Sure, I said following her over to the chairs. Before she pressures you, Ross
334:56 chairs. Before she pressures you, Ross said, feel free to say no. I fully
334:59 said, feel free to say no. I fully support your no on this. Thank you for
335:02 support your no on this. Thank you for that, Ross. She said with a smile.
335:06 that, Ross. She said with a smile. Anytime, Lil, he drawled. And I was
335:08 Anytime, Lil, he drawled. And I was dying to know what was up with those
335:10 dying to know what was up with those two. You know, if you want to go throw
335:13 two. You know, if you want to go throw some balls or guzzle protein powder, I
335:15 some balls or guzzle protein powder, I can let you know when we're done with
335:16 can let you know when we're done with your office, she said. and her smile was
335:19 your office, she said. and her smile was deadly this time. "No need for you to
335:21 deadly this time. "No need for you to stick around. It's okay. I'm happy to do
335:24 stick around. It's okay. I'm happy to do it," he said. "Okay,
335:28 it," he said. "Okay, Wes." She turned her chair toward mine
335:30 Wes." She turned her chair toward mine and scooted a little closer. "You gave
335:33 and scooted a little closer. "You gave such a fantastic interview the other
335:35 such a fantastic interview the other day, giving us a peek into your
335:36 day, giving us a peek into your inspirational journey back to UCLA. I
335:39 inspirational journey back to UCLA. I was blown away by the picture you
335:41 was blown away by the picture you painted of your life back home,
335:42 painted of your life back home, juxtaposed against your college baseball
335:44 juxtaposed against your college baseball life here. I can almost picture it." So,
335:47 life here. I can almost picture it." So, when I heard from Clark that you're
335:48 when I heard from Clark that you're going home to help your mom close
335:50 going home to help your mom close everything out, I had an idea. Buckle
335:53 everything out, I had an idea. Buckle up, Bennett. Ross growled. She rolled
335:55 up, Bennett. Ross growled. She rolled her eyes. Now, I promise you, I'm not
335:58 her eyes. Now, I promise you, I'm not trying to capitalize or throw a camera
336:00 trying to capitalize or throw a camera on your tragedy, but as a filmmaker, I
336:03 on your tragedy, but as a filmmaker, I know that getting some shots of the
336:04 know that getting some shots of the house that you grew up in and the high
336:06 house that you grew up in and the high school field where you pitched a no-
336:08 school field where you pitched a no- hitter could really add to the human
336:10 hitter could really add to the human side of your story. You repeating what
336:12 side of your story. You repeating what you already told us while walking
336:14 you already told us while walking through your empty house would add such
336:16 through your empty house would add such a lovely detail to the story. My stomach
336:19 a lovely detail to the story. My stomach sank as I listened, not necessarily
336:22 sank as I listened, not necessarily because of what she was trying to sell,
336:23 because of what she was trying to sell, but because she reminded me that it was
336:25 but because she reminded me that it was almost time for me to walk through the
336:26 almost time for me to walk through the house for the very last time. Now, she
336:30 house for the very last time. Now, she continued, holding up a hand like she
336:32 continued, holding up a hand like she was expecting my immediate refusal. I
336:35 was expecting my immediate refusal. I absolutely understand if you don't want
336:37 absolutely understand if you don't want us there. Frankly, I'm expecting you to
336:39 us there. Frankly, I'm expecting you to say no. But I would be remiss if I
336:42 say no. But I would be remiss if I didn't throw it out there. Just on the
336:44 didn't throw it out there. Just on the off chance that you don't mind having
336:45 off chance that you don't mind having Liz get a little film while you're in
336:47 Liz get a little film while you're in town. Liz,
336:50 town. Liz, you want to send Liz? I asked. To Omaha?
336:54 you want to send Liz? I asked. To Omaha? She nodded. And I wondered what that
336:56 She nodded. And I wondered what that would look like. Because even though I
336:58 would look like. Because even though I couldn't imagine having her and probably
337:00 couldn't imagine having her and probably Clark following me around while we moved
337:02 Clark following me around while we moved out the last of my mom's stuff, the idea
337:04 out the last of my mom's stuff, the idea of Liz being nearby while I said goodbye
337:06 of Liz being nearby while I said goodbye felt right somehow. or at least the
337:09 felt right somehow. or at least the thought of it did. Uh, can I think about
337:13 thought of it did. Uh, can I think about it and get back to you? I asked, wanting
337:16 it and get back to you? I asked, wanting to talk to Sarah and figure out why I
337:18 to talk to Sarah and figure out why I wasn't totally opposed to the idea.
337:21 wasn't totally opposed to the idea. Because I should be, right? Of course,
337:24 Because I should be, right? Of course, Livith said. And I didn't miss the way
337:26 Livith said. And I didn't miss the way she looked directly at Ross with a smug
337:28 she looked directly at Ross with a smug smile. Just let me know as soon as
337:31 smile. Just let me know as soon as possible so I can book flights if it's a
337:32 possible so I can book flights if it's a deal. Sounds good. I left the building a
337:36 deal. Sounds good. I left the building a little weirded out by the fact that I
337:38 little weirded out by the fact that I felt calm. It was surreal that this was
337:40 felt calm. It was surreal that this was happening, that Liz and company would be
337:43 happening, that Liz and company would be joining me in Omaha, but I felt pretty
337:45 joining me in Omaha, but I felt pretty okay about it. Although, to be fair, I
337:48 okay about it. Although, to be fair, I was a Liz junkie, always looking for my
337:51 was a Liz junkie, always looking for my next fix. And this scenario assured me
337:54 next fix. And this scenario assured me that one would be coming soon. I forced
337:56 that one would be coming soon. I forced myself to go straight to the library
337:58 myself to go straight to the library because I had a paper to write and I
338:00 because I had a paper to write and I didn't trust myself at home anymore.
338:02 didn't trust myself at home anymore. Lately, every time I went back to my
338:04 Lately, every time I went back to my dorm room, I ended up hooping with the
338:06 dorm room, I ended up hooping with the guys instead of studying. It was great
338:08 guys instead of studying. It was great living right next to basketball courts,
338:10 living right next to basketball courts, but not so great for my studying. I slid
338:13 but not so great for my studying. I slid into a spot at a table, flipping on the
338:15 into a spot at a table, flipping on the table lamp before pulling out my
338:17 table lamp before pulling out my computer. I put on my headphones and got
338:19 computer. I put on my headphones and got to work, but two things were messing
338:21 to work, but two things were messing with my concentration. The first was the
338:24 with my concentration. The first was the guy at the table across from me, who
338:26 guy at the table across from me, who appeared to be attempting to completely
338:27 appeared to be attempting to completely gnaw off his fingernails. I didn't know
338:30 gnaw off his fingernails. I didn't know why he caught my eye, but I couldn't
338:31 why he caught my eye, but I couldn't stop checking every few minutes to see
338:33 stop checking every few minutes to see if he was still doing it. Read a
338:35 if he was still doing it. Read a paragraph, then look over. Yep, still
338:38 paragraph, then look over. Yep, still chewing. Write some sentences, then
338:40 chewing. Write some sentences, then check to see. Yep, still chewing. Focus,
338:44 check to see. Yep, still chewing. Focus, Bennett. But the other thing was Liz. Of
338:48 Bennett. But the other thing was Liz. Of course, she was all over my brain, stuck
338:51 course, she was all over my brain, stuck in multiple scenarios and places, and I
338:54 in multiple scenarios and places, and I couldn't shake her. I was either
338:56 couldn't shake her. I was either thinking about the way she looked ready
338:57 thinking about the way she looked ready to cry during our interview, the way
338:59 to cry during our interview, the way she'd run down the steps outside the
339:01 she'd run down the steps outside the library in the dark to avoid me the
339:03 library in the dark to avoid me the other night, or the idea of having her
339:05 other night, or the idea of having her with me in my dad's house. By the time I
339:08 with me in my dad's house. By the time I got back to my dorm, I decided to give
339:10 got back to my dorm, I decided to give Lilith the green light. And when I
339:12 Lilith the green light. And when I talked to Sarah about it, she was all
339:14 talked to Sarah about it, she was all in. I suspected it was still her trying
339:17 in. I suspected it was still her trying to get Liz and me together, but she also
339:19 to get Liz and me together, but she also made a lot of sense.
339:21 made a lot of sense. Since you've already given them the
339:22 Since you've already given them the interview, what's the big deal about
339:24 interview, what's the big deal about letting them get a couple pictures at
339:25 letting them get a couple pictures at the house? I punched in the code and
339:27 the house? I punched in the code and opened the front door. Hey, we're
339:30 opened the front door. Hey, we're getting pizza. Wade and AJ were each in
339:32 getting pizza. Wade and AJ were each in front of their gaming setups on opposite
339:34 front of their gaming setups on opposite sides of the living room playing the
339:36 sides of the living room playing the show. WDE said, "Order it, [ __ ] What
339:40 show. WDE said, "Order it, [ __ ] What if I don't want pizza?" I did. I mean,
339:43 if I don't want pizza?" I did. I mean, who didn't want pizza? But my sweetmates
339:45 who didn't want pizza? But my sweetmates all had way more discretionary income
339:47 all had way more discretionary income than I did. Their parents loaded their
339:49 than I did. Their parents loaded their debit cards with all kinds of fun money,
339:51 debit cards with all kinds of fun money, whereas I was holding tight to the money
339:53 whereas I was holding tight to the money I'd worked my ass off to put into
339:54 I'd worked my ass off to put into savings. When it was gone, I was out.
339:58 savings. When it was gone, I was out. "It's free," AJ said. Brooks complained
340:01 "It's free," AJ said. Brooks complained last time he found a long hair in his
340:03 last time he found a long hair in his cheese, so they gave him a coupon. It's
340:05 cheese, so they gave him a coupon. It's on the mini fridge. "Do you want to
340:07 on the mini fridge. "Do you want to order from a place that has hairy
340:09 order from a place that has hairy pizza?" I asked Wade. "I think it might
340:12 pizza?" I asked Wade. "I think it might have been mine, but I wasn't sure."
340:14 have been mine, but I wasn't sure." "You're an idiot," AJ said, laughing.
340:18 "You're an idiot," AJ said, laughing. I know, Wade. Agreed. Which is why I'm
340:20 I know, Wade. Agreed. Which is why I'm willing to give them another chance. Big
340:23 willing to give them another chance. Big of you, I said, dropping my backpack on
340:26 of you, I said, dropping my backpack on the couch and grabbing the coupon from
340:27 the couch and grabbing the coupon from the front of the mini fridge. Free XL
340:30 the front of the mini fridge. Free XL one topper. Pepperoni? Nah, just cheese.
340:34 one topper. Pepperoni? Nah, just cheese. Weey said their pepperoni tastes like
340:37 Weey said their pepperoni tastes like fungus. Because you know what fungus
340:40 fungus. Because you know what fungus tastes like? AJ muttered. Are you sure
340:42 tastes like? AJ muttered. Are you sure we should order from a place with hair
340:44 we should order from a place with hair and fungus problems? I laughed, pulling
340:47 and fungus problems? I laughed, pulling out my phone because it was free. Of
340:49 out my phone because it was free. Of course, we were going to order it. Their
340:52 course, we were going to order it. Their attention was on the game until the
340:53 attention was on the game until the pizza arrived. But as soon as the box
340:56 pizza arrived. But as soon as the box was open, they were at the table and
340:57 was open, they were at the table and back to being aware of their
340:58 back to being aware of their surroundings. "Why'd you have to stay
341:01 surroundings. "Why'd you have to stay after practice?" Wade asked, grabbing
341:03 after practice?" Wade asked, grabbing three pieces and dropping them onto a
341:04 three pieces and dropping them onto a paper towel. "I didn't really know what
341:07 paper towel. "I didn't really know what to say, so I just told the truth." "They
341:10 to say, so I just told the truth." "They want to send someone with a camera to
341:11 want to send someone with a camera to Omaha this weekend to get pictures in my
341:13 Omaha this weekend to get pictures in my house in my high school field.
341:15 house in my high school field. What the [ __ ] Wade asked looking
341:18 What the [ __ ] Wade asked looking offended. How come no one wants to go to
341:20 offended. How come no one wants to go to my hometown with a camera? I'm a better
341:22 my hometown with a camera? I'm a better player than you and I'm not from
341:23 player than you and I'm not from Nebraska.
341:25 Nebraska. You are not better. AJ said, shoving
341:28 You are not better. AJ said, shoving pizza into his mouth. [ __ ] Wade
341:32 pizza into his mouth. [ __ ] Wade made a face and said, "Well, I'm as good
341:34 made a face and said, "Well, I'm as good at least." Wade was funny because he was
341:37 at least." Wade was funny because he was obnoxious and cocky. Only he wasn't. He
341:40 obnoxious and cocky. Only he wasn't. He was all douchy attitude and I would have
341:43 was all douchy attitude and I would have hated him if that was truly who he was.
341:45 hated him if that was truly who he was. But he was in fact a really decent guy
341:48 But he was in fact a really decent guy who thought it was hilarious to behave
341:49 who thought it was hilarious to behave like a jackass.
341:51 like a jackass. Regardless of the fact that I'm better
341:53 Regardless of the fact that I'm better than you, it's only because during my
341:55 than you, it's only because during my interview I talked about having to go
341:56 interview I talked about having to go home when my dad died and then come
341:58 home when my dad died and then come back. So it's just because they like the
342:01 back. So it's just because they like the story has nothing to do with my game.
342:03 story has nothing to do with my game. The entire team knew my story, but no
342:06 The entire team knew my story, but no one had ever spoken about it. Not with
342:08 one had ever spoken about it. Not with me. Everyone just pretended I was a
342:10 me. Everyone just pretended I was a freshman the same as every other
342:12 freshman the same as every other freshman. And I preferred it that way. I
342:15 freshman. And I preferred it that way. I kind of suspected that one of the
342:16 kind of suspected that one of the coaches made some sort of an
342:18 coaches made some sort of an announcement when I committed because it
342:20 announcement when I committed because it was odd that no one brought it up, but
342:22 was odd that no one brought it up, but I'd also never asked. "Who are they
342:24 I'd also never asked. "Who are they sending?" AJ asked, getting up to grab a
342:27 sending?" AJ asked, getting up to grab a beer from the fridge. He had zero issues
342:30 beer from the fridge. He had zero issues drinking during the week, but I like to
342:32 drinking during the week, but I like to avoid hangovers when I had homework to
342:34 avoid hangovers when I had homework to do. Is it going to be Liz? I think so.
342:38 do. Is it going to be Liz? I think so. I'm not sure. Of course, it's going to
342:40 I'm not sure. Of course, it's going to be Liz. Wade ripped off his crust, then
342:43 be Liz. Wade ripped off his crust, then rolled it into a ball. She's from there,
342:46 rolled it into a ball. She's from there, so she'll know all the spots. I wonder
342:48 so she'll know all the spots. I wonder if she'll bring waters. I still can't
342:50 if she'll bring waters. I still can't believe they're a thing, AJ said,
342:53 believe they're a thing, AJ said, looking at me and shaking his head. He's
342:55 looking at me and shaking his head. He's a cool dude, and I like him, but they
342:57 a cool dude, and I like him, but they seem more like brother and sister than a
342:59 seem more like brother and sister than a couple.
343:00 couple. Yeah, that is weird. Wade took a bite
343:03 Yeah, that is weird. Wade took a bite out of his crust ball like it was an
343:04 out of his crust ball like it was an apple. like they're always together, but
343:07 apple. like they're always together, but they have always been always together.
343:10 they have always been always together. You sound smart, I muttered. [ __ ] right
343:13 You sound smart, I muttered. [ __ ] right off. You know what I mean? He said,
343:16 off. You know what I mean? He said, "They don't act any differently than
343:17 "They don't act any differently than they've ever acted together. Last year,
343:20 they've ever acted together. Last year, she told me he's her platonic soulmate.
343:22 she told me he's her platonic soulmate. So now he's more like when he puts his
343:24 So now he's more like when he puts his arm around her, it looks no different
343:26 arm around her, it looks no different than my dad putting his arm around my
343:27 than my dad putting his arm around my sister. Can we not talk about this?" "I
343:30 sister. Can we not talk about this?" "I don't give a [ __ ] about the
343:31 don't give a [ __ ] about the relationship," I said, sounding harsher
343:34 relationship," I said, sounding harsher than I'd meant to. Oh, it sounds to me
343:36 than I'd meant to. Oh, it sounds to me like you really do. Wade reached over
343:39 like you really do. Wade reached over and pulled off another crust and started
343:41 and pulled off another crust and started rolling. And I get it. Same. AJ nodded.
343:45 rolling. And I get it. Same. AJ nodded. Like she's cute, but that's not the
343:47 Like she's cute, but that's not the thing. It's the way she's so damn chill,
343:50 thing. It's the way she's so damn chill, right? Dating someone that cool about
343:52 right? Dating someone that cool about everything would make everyone else seem
343:54 everything would make everyone else seem like too much. I took a bite of pizza,
343:58 like too much. I took a bite of pizza, blown away that that was how they saw
343:59 blown away that that was how they saw her, as a super chill, cool girl. And
344:03 her, as a super chill, cool girl. And they weren't wrong.
344:05 they weren't wrong. That was exactly who she was now. But it
344:07 That was exactly who she was now. But it was wild because she'd been chill about
344:09 was wild because she'd been chill about nothing back in the day. I [ __ ] loved
344:12 nothing back in the day. I [ __ ] loved it how quickly she got riled up. I loved
344:15 it how quickly she got riled up. I loved it. Yet my new obsession was the
344:17 it. Yet my new obsession was the confident content producer with the
344:19 confident content producer with the quiet oneliners.
344:21 quiet oneliners. I was dying to get to know her better. I
344:24 I was dying to get to know her better. I have to think that after dating Liz, you
344:26 have to think that after dating Liz, you would forever care about her
344:27 would forever care about her relationships. Wade took a bite of his
344:29 relationships. Wade took a bite of his crust ball and said, "How the hell do
344:32 crust ball and said, "How the hell do you get over someone like her?
344:34 you get over someone like her? Yeah, that was a loaded question. I
344:38 Yeah, that was a loaded question. I grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and
344:40 grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and absolutely knew the answer. You don't
344:43 absolutely knew the answer. You don't was the answer. You don't get over her.
344:54 Chapter 24. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart
344:58 She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.
345:00 and she gave me a pen. Say anything.
345:03 Say anything. Liz.
345:10 Hey guys. I looked up from my screen and there was Lilith standing beside our
345:12 there was Lilith standing beside our cubicles with a big smile on her face.
345:15 cubicles with a big smile on her face. "Hey," I said, surprised to see her.
345:19 "Hey," I said, surprised to see her. "Hey, Lil," Clark said, and I quickly
345:23 "Hey, Lil," Clark said, and I quickly shot a glance at her to see if she was
345:24 shot a glance at her to see if she was going to kill him for that. She looked
345:27 going to kill him for that. She looked like she hadn't even noticed.
345:30 like she hadn't even noticed. I am here to ask a favor, and I'm a
345:32 I am here to ask a favor, and I'm a little nervous."
345:34 little nervous." She looked anything but nervous in her
345:37 She looked anything but nervous in her black leather jacket, jeans, and Mary
345:39 black leather jacket, jeans, and Mary jeans with 3-in heels.
345:42 jeans with 3-in heels. "We are your humble servants," Clark
345:45 "We are your humble servants," Clark said. "Ask away."
345:48 said. "Ask away." She crossed her arms over her chest and
345:50 She crossed her arms over her chest and said, "Want to go to Omaha tomorrow?"
345:54 said, "Want to go to Omaha tomorrow?" "What?"
345:55 "What?" I looked from Lilith to Clark, wondering
345:58 I looked from Lilith to Clark, wondering if I'd heard her right.
346:01 if I'd heard her right. Omaha.
346:02 Omaha. Consider me already packing, Clark said.
346:06 Consider me already packing, Clark said. I mean, of course I'm down, I said,
346:10 I mean, of course I'm down, I said, trying to keep up with Clark's
346:11 trying to keep up with Clark's enthusiasm.
346:13 enthusiasm. But why? I mean, Omaha isn't usually
346:17 But why? I mean, Omaha isn't usually anywhere that people go.
346:20 anywhere that people go. I would love a free trip home,
346:22 I would love a free trip home, especially when I knew Wes wouldn't be
346:24 especially when I knew Wes wouldn't be next door, but why on earth would Lilith
346:27 next door, but why on earth would Lilith want to send us there? It had to do with
346:30 want to send us there? It had to do with him, though, right? That was the only
346:32 him, though, right? That was the only thing that made sense, maybe.
346:37 thing that made sense, maybe. Here's the thing. She said, "Wes Bennett
346:40 Here's the thing. She said, "Wes Bennett is headed home because his mother sold
346:42 is headed home because his mother sold their house and he's helping move
346:44 their house and he's helping move everything out.
346:45 everything out. I would like for us to get footage of
346:47 I would like for us to get footage of the house and his high school field to
346:49 the house and his high school field to accompany your interview.
346:52 accompany your interview. Oh. I tried keeping my face calm when
346:56 Oh. I tried keeping my face calm when every part of me was flinching at the
346:58 every part of me was flinching at the thought. I mean, I wasn't even sure what
347:01 thought. I mean, I wasn't even sure what I was freaking out about more. The fact
347:04 I was freaking out about more. The fact that Lilith wanted me to go back home
347:06 that Lilith wanted me to go back home and follow West to all the old places
347:08 and follow West to all the old places I'd avoided for years, or the fact that
347:11 I'd avoided for years, or the fact that the Bennets weren't going to be living
347:13 the Bennets weren't going to be living next door anymore.
347:16 next door anymore. "Are you sure about this?" Clark asked,
347:20 "Are you sure about this?" Clark asked, running his hand over his chin as he
347:22 running his hand over his chin as he looked at Lilith like he was unhappy.
347:24 looked at Lilith like he was unhappy. "I imagine this isn't going to be easy
347:27 "I imagine this isn't going to be easy for him, so it feels a little ghoulish
347:30 for him, so it feels a little ghoulish for us to show up with cameras. No
347:32 for us to show up with cameras. No offense, of course. Good point, clerk.
347:36 offense, of course. Good point, clerk. Listen to him, Lilith.
347:39 Listen to him, Lilith. None taken, she said, nodding. He said
347:43 None taken, she said, nodding. He said it's fine. He did? Clark asked. He did?
347:48 it's fine. He did? Clark asked. He did? I said at the same time.
347:52 I said at the same time. Yes, she repeated, looking amused by our
347:55 Yes, she repeated, looking amused by our matching reactions.
347:57 matching reactions. I fully expected a no, but he said okay.
348:01 I fully expected a no, but he said okay. I stared at her, shocked.
348:05 I stared at her, shocked. I'd like to see if his sister or mother
348:06 I'd like to see if his sister or mother will consider an interview, she said. I
348:09 will consider an interview, she said. I know it's obviously a tricky issue, but
348:12 know it's obviously a tricky issue, but it's been a couple years, so they might
348:14 it's been a couple years, so they might be ready to talk.
348:16 be ready to talk. I'm sure Sarah will. Clark said,
348:19 I'm sure Sarah will. Clark said, nodding. From what Bennett told me,
348:22 nodding. From what Bennett told me, they're close and she's kind of a
348:24 they're close and she's kind of a smartass.
348:25 smartass. The mom, though, I'm not so sure about
348:28 The mom, though, I'm not so sure about her. the mom.
348:31 her. the mom. It was beyond weird that we were
348:33 It was beyond weird that we were discussing Mrs. Bennett from next door.
348:36 discussing Mrs. Bennett from next door. Yeah, me either, Lilith said. But we
348:39 Yeah, me either, Lilith said. But we might as well try. Listen, the closing
348:42 might as well try. Listen, the closing is Friday afternoon, so I was thinking
348:44 is Friday afternoon, so I was thinking if we fly out tomorrow after classes, we
348:46 if we fly out tomorrow after classes, we can all get a good night's sleep and
348:48 can all get a good night's sleep and then walk through the house with Wes
348:49 then walk through the house with Wes first thing the following morning before
348:52 first thing the following morning before the closing. Hopefully afterward Wes
348:56 the closing. Hopefully afterward Wes will let us get some footage around town
348:57 will let us get some footage around town and at the ball fields.
349:00 and at the ball fields. I don't have any classes on Fridays, so
349:02 I don't have any classes on Fridays, so that's perfect. Clark said, "Was it me
349:06 that's perfect. Clark said, "Was it me or was he being a kissup? I'd apologized
349:10 or was he being a kissup? I'd apologized for snapping at him the other night, and
349:12 for snapping at him the other night, and he'd apologized for trying to get me to
349:13 he'd apologized for trying to get me to forgive Wes, but his Wes love still
349:17 forgive Wes, but his Wes love still rubbed me the wrong way."
349:20 rubbed me the wrong way." What about you, Liz? Do you think you
349:23 What about you, Liz? Do you think you can make it work?
349:25 can make it work? Lilith put her hands in her pockets and
349:27 Lilith put her hands in her pockets and said, "We only go if you go."
349:31 said, "We only go if you go." "I mean, my parents would love it," I
349:35 "I mean, my parents would love it," I said as I tried to mentally work through
349:38 said as I tried to mentally work through what the weekend would entail,
349:41 what the weekend would entail, and I'm sure I can talk to my teachers
349:43 and I'm sure I can talk to my teachers about missing my classes.
349:45 about missing my classes. "But what about you?" she asked, looking
349:49 "But what about you?" she asked, looking concerned.
349:51 concerned. I want to make sure you're comfortable
349:52 I want to make sure you're comfortable with this. If you're not, we scrap it.
349:56 with this. If you're not, we scrap it. I could tell by her face that she was
349:57 I could tell by her face that she was genuinely asking, and I felt a rush of
350:00 genuinely asking, and I felt a rush of gratitude that she was willing to
350:02 gratitude that she was willing to abandon this idea if I wasn't okay with
350:04 abandon this idea if I wasn't okay with it. That tiny bit of understanding was
350:07 it. That tiny bit of understanding was probably what allowed me to take a step
350:09 probably what allowed me to take a step away from my own feelings, to recognize
350:12 away from my own feelings, to recognize that if Wes was willing, the imagery
350:15 that if Wes was willing, the imagery would definitely add to his story.
350:18 would definitely add to his story. I think it's a great idea.
350:20 I think it's a great idea. After that, we went into brainstorming
350:23 After that, we went into brainstorming mode, talking through the content she
350:26 mode, talking through the content she hoped for. It would be a nice supplement
350:29 hoped for. It would be a nice supplement to see the inside of the house he grew
350:30 to see the inside of the house he grew up in and juxtapose it with locking the
350:34 up in and juxtapose it with locking the door for the very last time.
350:41 It' also be gorgeous to get some early morning sunlight shots of Emerson Field,
350:44 morning sunlight shots of Emerson Field, the place where he'd become a superstar
350:46 the place where he'd become a superstar pitcher.
350:48 pitcher. Is this really happening?
350:51 Is this really happening? It was surreal that the project we were
350:53 It was surreal that the project we were talking through and the plans we were
350:54 talking through and the plans we were making would send us to Teal Street and
350:57 making would send us to Teal Street and my old high school. I loved that place,
351:00 my old high school. I loved that place, but I'd purposely taken summer classes
351:03 but I'd purposely taken summer classes and suggested family holiday getaways
351:05 and suggested family holiday getaways with my parents because I wasn't sure
351:08 with my parents because I wasn't sure how to handle being there next door to
351:12 how to handle being there next door to him.
351:13 him. I'd never intended to stay away for
351:16 I'd never intended to stay away for nearly 2 years, but I always just kind
351:20 nearly 2 years, but I always just kind of found something else to do every time
351:22 of found something else to do every time there was a break.
351:24 there was a break. But now I was going home
351:27 But now I was going home to his house
351:29 to his house with him.
351:31 with him. Is this really happening?
351:40 Apparently, it was because 24 hours later, I was disembarking from a plane
351:43 later, I was disembarking from a plane at the Omaha airport.
351:45 at the Omaha airport. "This is the airport," Clark said,
351:49 "This is the airport," Clark said, looking around the small terminal like
351:50 looking around the small terminal like he couldn't believe his eyes. "Where are
351:53 he couldn't believe his eyes. "Where are the stores? Where is the Starbucks?"
351:56 the stores? Where is the Starbucks?" "You can get a mini Godfather's Pizza
351:58 "You can get a mini Godfather's Pizza over there," I said, heading for the
352:01 over there," I said, heading for the baggage claim area while pointing to the
352:03 baggage claim area while pointing to the right. It felt good being there, walking
352:07 right. It felt good being there, walking into a place I'd known my entire life
352:09 into a place I'd known my entire life and where I knew exactly which direction
352:11 and where I knew exactly which direction I was going. And there's a scooters
352:14 I was going. And there's a scooters right under that sign.
352:16 right under that sign. What in God's name is a scooters?
352:20 What in God's name is a scooters? Clark looked disgusted as he walked
352:22 Clark looked disgusted as he walked beside me, dragging his carry-on behind
352:25 beside me, dragging his carry-on behind him. It's coffee, I said, surprised he
352:29 him. It's coffee, I said, surprised he didn't know. Was that only a Midwestern
352:32 didn't know. Was that only a Midwestern thing? I loved scooters.
352:35 thing? I loved scooters. Just say okay, clerk, Lilith said,
352:39 Just say okay, clerk, Lilith said, smiling. I'm sure we can find decent
352:41 smiling. I'm sure we can find decent coffee by the hotel. Wait, they do have
352:45 coffee by the hotel. Wait, they do have decent coffee here, right, Liz? Of
352:48 decent coffee here, right, Liz? Of course, we have decent coffee, I said
352:51 course, we have decent coffee, I said defensively, walking toward the hall
352:53 defensively, walking toward the hall that led to the baggage claim area.
352:56 that led to the baggage claim area. I think Omaha has close to a million
352:58 I think Omaha has close to a million people. It's not in the prairie, for
353:01 people. It's not in the prairie, for God's sake.
353:03 God's sake. I'll be the judge of that," Clark said.
353:06 I'll be the judge of that," Clark said. I was walking faster as I led them
353:09 I was walking faster as I led them through the terminal, so excited to see
353:11 through the terminal, so excited to see my parents. I texted my dad when we
353:15 my parents. I texted my dad when we landed, so he should be waiting. My dad
353:17 landed, so he should be waiting. My dad and Helena, my stepmom, freaked out when
353:20 and Helena, my stepmom, freaked out when I called last night. As much as they'd
353:23 I called last night. As much as they'd been happy to come to California to
353:25 been happy to come to California to visit me during breaks, apparently me
353:28 visit me during breaks, apparently me coming home was much better. Helena
353:31 coming home was much better. Helena screamed through the phone when I shared
353:33 screamed through the phone when I shared the news and my dad sounded suspiciously
353:36 the news and my dad sounded suspiciously like someone who was weepy.
353:39 like someone who was weepy. I couldn't wait to see them. But when we
353:42 I couldn't wait to see them. But when we came down the escalator and there they
353:45 came down the escalator and there they were standing beside the baggage claim
353:47 were standing beside the baggage claim carousel, I was hit with all the
353:50 carousel, I was hit with all the emotion.
353:52 emotion. No matter how fast I blinked, I couldn't
353:54 No matter how fast I blinked, I couldn't keep in the tears.
353:56 keep in the tears. Something about being here and seeing
353:58 Something about being here and seeing them felt different.
354:01 them felt different. I was coming home after what felt like a
354:03 I was coming home after what felt like a very long time away.
354:06 very long time away. I tried keeping it together, but when I
354:08 I tried keeping it together, but when I stepped off the escalator and my dad
354:10 stepped off the escalator and my dad jogged over and wrapped me in a hug, I
354:13 jogged over and wrapped me in a hug, I was done.
354:15 was done. The smell of him, the laundry detergent
354:18 The smell of him, the laundry detergent on his shirt and the lotion he used for
354:20 on his shirt and the lotion he used for his dry skin and the cologne from the8s
354:23 his dry skin and the cologne from the8s that he still thought smelled good even
354:25 that he still thought smelled good even though it was crazy strong. took me back
354:28 though it was crazy strong. took me back to every loving hug from my childhood.
354:32 to every loving hug from my childhood. "It's about damn time," Helena said,
354:35 "It's about damn time," Helena said, smiling at us with tears in her eyes.
354:38 smiling at us with tears in her eyes. "You little shit."
354:40 "You little shit." That made me laugh, even as I cried, and
354:44 That made me laugh, even as I cried, and I pulled away from my dad to get my
354:46 I pulled away from my dad to get my emotions in check. I introduced
354:49 emotions in check. I introduced everyone, and Lilith and Clark, both
354:51 everyone, and Lilith and Clark, both seemed rightly so, to fall in love with
354:54 seemed rightly so, to fall in love with my parents instantly.
354:57 my parents instantly. If you're too tired and you just want to
354:58 If you're too tired and you just want to go to your hotel, we understand," Helena
355:01 go to your hotel, we understand," Helena said as we pulled away from the airport.
355:04 said as we pulled away from the airport. "But we'd love to have you guys over to
355:06 "But we'd love to have you guys over to the house for dinner. It's warm for
355:08 the house for dinner. It's warm for October, so we picked up some T-bones to
355:10 October, so we picked up some T-bones to throw on the grill. This is warm." Clark
355:13 throw on the grill. This is warm." Clark laughed, shaking his head. He was a
355:16 laughed, shaking his head. He was a California boy through and through, and
355:18 California boy through and through, and his reaction to 48° with a stiff north
355:21 his reaction to 48° with a stiff north wind was akin to someone being set loose
355:24 wind was akin to someone being set loose naked in Antarctica.
355:27 naked in Antarctica. "Fall is my favorite time to grill," my
355:30 "Fall is my favorite time to grill," my dad said, smiling at us in the rearview
355:33 dad said, smiling at us in the rearview mirror. "I'd loan you a sweater, Clark,
355:36 mirror. "I'd loan you a sweater, Clark, but I think it'll be a crop top." "That
355:40 but I think it'll be a crop top." "That sounds lovely," Lilis said, looking
355:43 sounds lovely," Lilis said, looking charmed by my nerdy dad.
355:46 charmed by my nerdy dad. the steak dinner, that is, not the crop
355:48 the steak dinner, that is, not the crop top. The four of them chatted non-stop
355:52 top. The four of them chatted non-stop on the way home, but I couldn't keep
355:54 on the way home, but I couldn't keep myself from just staring out the window.
355:57 myself from just staring out the window. I felt hungry to see it all, to lay my
356:00 I felt hungry to see it all, to lay my eyes upon every single place I hadn't
356:02 eyes upon every single place I hadn't seen in nearly 2 years.
356:05 seen in nearly 2 years. I was smiling like it was my first time
356:07 I was smiling like it was my first time in a car as the freeway took us past
356:09 in a car as the freeway took us past Charles Schwab Field, the downtown
356:12 Charles Schwab Field, the downtown skyline, Dinkers Hamburgers, the Denny's
356:15 skyline, Dinkers Hamburgers, the Denny's on 84th where Jos and I used to get
356:17 on 84th where Jos and I used to get pancakes on Friday nights. And the Sap
356:20 pancakes on Friday nights. And the Sap Brothers coffee pot sign that I thought
356:22 Brothers coffee pot sign that I thought was a rocket when I was 10 years old.
356:25 was a rocket when I was 10 years old. And the leaves I hadn't realized how
356:28 And the leaves I hadn't realized how much I'd missed the colors. The
356:31 much I'd missed the colors. The cottonwoods were bright yellow. The
356:33 cottonwoods were bright yellow. The sugar maples that perfect shade of
356:35 sugar maples that perfect shade of pinkish orange and the oaks were
356:38 pinkish orange and the oaks were currently doing all the hues in that
356:41 currently doing all the hues in that continuously changing until the lastly
356:43 continuously changing until the lastly falls way they had about them.
356:46 falls way they had about them. Damn, it's good to be back.
356:49 Damn, it's good to be back. I avoided looking at the house next door
356:52 I avoided looking at the house next door when we got home, even though I knew I
356:54 when we got home, even though I knew I was going to have to go inside it
356:56 was going to have to go inside it tomorrow because I just wanted to relax
356:58 tomorrow because I just wanted to relax and enjoy being home with my dad and
357:00 and enjoy being home with my dad and Helena before everything else happened.
357:04 Helena before everything else happened. >> "Hand me your bag, sweetie,"
357:06 >> "Hand me your bag, sweetie," >> my dad said. And as I walked up the
357:09 >> my dad said. And as I walked up the steps with him on my left and Helena on
357:11 steps with him on my left and Helena on my right, I wanted to soak up every
357:14 my right, I wanted to soak up every second of this homecoming.
357:16 second of this homecoming. I regretted not doing it sooner.
357:20 I regretted not doing it sooner. Clark kept my dad company on the deck
357:22 Clark kept my dad company on the deck while he grilled and I stayed inside
357:24 while he grilled and I stayed inside with Lilith and Helena and showered poor
357:27 with Lilith and Helena and showered poor Mr. Fitz pervert with attention that he
357:29 Mr. Fitz pervert with attention that he absolutely did not want. Helena bought
357:33 absolutely did not want. Helena bought Fitz a blue and yellow bow tie for our
357:35 Fitz a blue and yellow bow tie for our visit, which reminded me of just how
357:38 visit, which reminded me of just how perfect of a stepmom she actually was.
357:42 perfect of a stepmom she actually was. And as I sat between my dad and Lilith
357:44 And as I sat between my dad and Lilith at dinner, I realized that my face was
357:47 at dinner, I realized that my face was getting tired from all the happy
357:49 getting tired from all the happy smiling.
357:51 smiling. "This pasta salad is amazing," Clark
357:54 "This pasta salad is amazing," Clark said, wolfing down bite after bite like
357:57 said, wolfing down bite after bite like he was racing someone. "He was chewing
357:59 he was racing someone. "He was chewing when he said, "I think I'm in love with
358:02 when he said, "I think I'm in love with you now, Helena."
358:04 you now, Helena." "Actually, it's Bert Langenfarker you're
358:07 "Actually, it's Bert Langenfarker you're in love with," she corrected, picking up
358:09 in love with," she corrected, picking up her wine glass.
358:11 her wine glass. He's the guy at the deli who makes the
358:12 He's the guy at the deli who makes the sides. Is he single? He asked, not even
358:17 sides. Is he single? He asked, not even pausing in his food inhalation.
358:20 pausing in his food inhalation. He is not? Helena replied with a grin.
358:24 He is not? Helena replied with a grin. But I heard his wife's Facebook profile
358:26 But I heard his wife's Facebook profile says it's complicated, so there's a
358:28 says it's complicated, so there's a chance. Plot twist, Lilis said before
358:33 chance. Plot twist, Lilis said before finishing her glass of rosé. Hell yes,"
358:36 finishing her glass of rosé. Hell yes," Clark said, nodding while still chewing
358:39 Clark said, nodding while still chewing a giant mouthful of food. "I'll take
358:42 a giant mouthful of food. "I'll take complicated if it means ingesting this
358:44 complicated if it means ingesting this twirly goodness every night."
358:47 twirly goodness every night." Helena and Clark were two peas in a pod,
358:50 Helena and Clark were two peas in a pod, like a his and her comedy team that kept
358:53 like a his and her comedy team that kept the rest of us laughing the entire time.
358:56 the rest of us laughing the entire time. Lilith just kind of took it all in,
358:59 Lilith just kind of took it all in, seeming completely comfortable hanging
359:01 seeming completely comfortable hanging out at my house in her stocking feet.
359:04 out at my house in her stocking feet. and it felt like a perfect night.
359:07 and it felt like a perfect night. So, I was a little disappointed when it
359:09 So, I was a little disappointed when it was time for Clark and Lilith to go back
359:11 was time for Clark and Lilith to go back to the hotel.
359:13 to the hotel. Apparently, he wanted to swim and she
359:16 Apparently, he wanted to swim and she still needed to put in some time on the
359:17 still needed to put in some time on the treadmill. So, they said their goodbyes.
359:20 treadmill. So, they said their goodbyes. We made a plan to meet at 9 the next
359:22 We made a plan to meet at 9 the next morning. And then they drove off in the
359:25 morning. And then they drove off in the minivan my dad was letting them borrow
359:26 minivan my dad was letting them borrow while in town.
359:29 while in town. I love them, Helena said, closing the
359:32 I love them, Helena said, closing the door behind Lilith and Clark.
359:35 door behind Lilith and Clark. It makes me so happy you have good
359:37 It makes me so happy you have good people around you out there.
359:39 people around you out there. Right? I said, leaning down to scoop up
359:43 Right? I said, leaning down to scoop up Fitz. He made a
359:46 Fitz. He made a noise like he was unhappy, but I knew
359:50 noise like he was unhappy, but I knew he'd been waiting for me. They're the
359:52 he'd been waiting for me. They're the best.
359:54 best. We went into the kitchen and cleaned up
359:56 We went into the kitchen and cleaned up with the TV on. So, we were moving at
359:58 with the TV on. So, we were moving at half speed, really into the old episode
360:01 half speed, really into the old episode of Monk that we'd seen multiple times.
360:04 of Monk that we'd seen multiple times. It felt like the old days when Helena
360:07 It felt like the old days when Helena used to get take out and the three of us
360:09 used to get take out and the three of us would sit hunched over our food at the
360:11 would sit hunched over our food at the center island watching mindless reruns.
360:15 center island watching mindless reruns. And the entire evening had somehow made
360:17 And the entire evening had somehow made me homesick while I was home.
360:21 me homesick while I was home. nonsensical much, which of course made
360:25 nonsensical much, which of course made me want to go see my mom.
360:28 me want to go see my mom. I think I'm going to go for a quick run,
360:30 I think I'm going to go for a quick run, I said, wiping down the counter as my
360:33 I said, wiping down the counter as my dad started the dishwasher.
360:36 dad started the dishwasher. I know it's dark, but I've got my pepper
360:38 I know it's dark, but I've got my pepper spray, and I know the route by heart.
360:41 spray, and I know the route by heart. Keep the music quiet, then, he said with
360:44 Keep the music quiet, then, he said with an eyebrow raise. So, you're aware of
360:47 an eyebrow raise. So, you're aware of your surroundings.
360:49 your surroundings. I know. I said, "I will."
360:53 I know. I said, "I will." And for once, I actually ran with no
360:56 And for once, I actually ran with no music.
360:58 music. Usually, I hated that, but I didn't want
361:00 Usually, I hated that, but I didn't want to miss out on the sounds of my
361:02 to miss out on the sounds of my neighborhood. I hadn't realized how much
361:05 neighborhood. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed them, or even that they were
361:08 I'd missed them, or even that they were a thing at all. But I was all warm
361:11 a thing at all. But I was all warm fuzzies as my ears drank in the
361:13 fuzzies as my ears drank in the cacophony of suburban instruments.
361:16 cacophony of suburban instruments. The random leaf blower, the Thursday
361:18 The random leaf blower, the Thursday night football game playing in the
361:20 night football game playing in the garage of the old guy down the street,
361:22 garage of the old guy down the street, the barking of a big dog in an unseen
361:24 the barking of a big dog in an unseen backyard.
361:26 backyard. It was the soundtrack of my wonder
361:28 It was the soundtrack of my wonder years, the comforting white noise that
361:31 years, the comforting white noise that had lulled me to sleep on countless warm
361:34 had lulled me to sleep on countless warm nights.
361:36 nights. And when I got to my mom's headstone,
361:39 And when I got to my mom's headstone, where bright yellow Mums were in their
361:41 where bright yellow Mums were in their full autuminal glory, yes, I used my
361:45 full autuminal glory, yes, I used my phone light to check on them in the
361:46 phone light to check on them in the dark.
361:48 dark. I wondered
361:50 I wondered how I'd ever stayed away for so long.
362:00 Chapter 25. Because the first time that I saw these
362:02 Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able
362:04 hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. Definitely. Maybe.
362:09 to hold them. Definitely. Maybe. Wes,
362:10 Wes, I wish I believed in ghosts. I sat there
362:15 I wish I believed in ghosts. I sat there on the one remaining chair in the secret
362:16 on the one remaining chair in the secret area, wishing I could feel my dad's
362:19 area, wishing I could feel my dad's presence. It was the last time I'd ever
362:22 presence. It was the last time I'd ever be out there in the dark by the fire.
362:24 be out there in the dark by the fire. The last night I'd ever see the inside
362:26 The last night I'd ever see the inside of that house. And I knew if I were in a
362:28 of that house. And I knew if I were in a movie, I'd find his old steeltoed boots
362:31 movie, I'd find his old steeltoed boots and somehow know he was proud of me,
362:34 and somehow know he was proud of me, that he forgave me for what I'd done.
362:37 that he forgave me for what I'd done. But no, it was just me and the quiet as
362:40 But no, it was just me and the quiet as I said my goodbyes. The secret area had
362:43 I said my goodbyes. The secret area had been taken over by thistles and milkweed
362:45 been taken over by thistles and milkweed and moles, apparently, I thought as I
362:48 and moles, apparently, I thought as I looked down at the dug up dirt beside
362:49 looked down at the dug up dirt beside the overgrown bush. It felt like some
362:52 the overgrown bush. It felt like some sort of depressing analogy for my former
362:54 sort of depressing analogy for my former life. as I pressed the soil back down
362:56 life. as I pressed the soil back down with my shoe. But I chose not to
362:58 with my shoe. But I chose not to overthink it as I chucked a few more
363:00 overthink it as I chucked a few more sticks into the fire. It was childish my
363:04 sticks into the fire. It was childish my plan to spend the night in the house.
363:06 plan to spend the night in the house. But I couldn't resist. I was a
363:08 But I couldn't resist. I was a sentimental [ __ ] who wanted one final
363:10 sentimental [ __ ] who wanted one final sleep in my childhood bedroom before
363:12 sleep in my childhood bedroom before someone else lived there. Noah offered
363:15 someone else lived there. Noah offered to come over because he was that kind of
363:17 to come over because he was that kind of friend. But I prefer to be alone. If it
363:20 friend. But I prefer to be alone. If it was Sarah, I would have said yes because
363:22 was Sarah, I would have said yes because she'd been a part of this teal street
363:23 she'd been a part of this teal street life. But anyone else would just feel
363:26 life. But anyone else would just feel like an intrusion. And my mom had zero
363:29 like an intrusion. And my mom had zero interest. Finding my dad in the living
363:31 interest. Finding my dad in the living room had destroyed the house for both of
363:33 room had destroyed the house for both of them. I opened Spotify and scrolled for
363:36 them. I opened Spotify and scrolled for something that my dad would have liked,
363:37 something that my dad would have liked, but nothing sentimental enough to make
363:39 but nothing sentimental enough to make me cry. I was already on the edge.
363:42 me cry. I was already on the edge. Bingo. Food fighters. The guy's guilty
363:46 Bingo. Food fighters. The guy's guilty pleasure. I clicked on the deepest blues
363:49 pleasure. I clicked on the deepest blues are black and wondered when the hell had
363:51 are black and wondered when the hell had gotten so cold. I'd only left a few
363:53 gotten so cold. I'd only left a few weeks ago, but this breeze was packed
363:55 weeks ago, but this breeze was packed with autumn's chill, which seemed
363:58 with autumn's chill, which seemed appropriate. Saying goodbye to a
364:00 appropriate. Saying goodbye to a lifetime of memories was an activity
364:02 lifetime of memories was an activity meant to be wrapped in bone chilling
364:04 meant to be wrapped in bone chilling cold, right? My fingers were freezing
364:07 cold, right? My fingers were freezing when I left my house keys with my dad an
364:09 when I left my house keys with my dad an hour ago. The new owners were rekeying
364:11 hour ago. The new owners were rekeying the place, so they only needed one set
364:14 the place, so they only needed one set of copies to get them in tomorrow. And
364:16 of copies to get them in tomorrow. And it felt wrong to just toss the keys I'd
364:18 it felt wrong to just toss the keys I'd had since I was 7 or 8 years old. So I
364:20 had since I was 7 or 8 years old. So I gave them to stew. I felt like the
364:23 gave them to stew. I felt like the keychain would have made him happy. You
364:26 keychain would have made him happy. You know, as happy as a dead man can be. It
364:29 know, as happy as a dead man can be. It was asinine, the way I felt when I
364:31 was asinine, the way I felt when I visited his grave. It had become a habit
364:34 visited his grave. It had become a habit that was somehow comforting, even though
364:36 that was somehow comforting, even though it was like the polar opposite of how
364:38 it was like the polar opposite of how Liz had once explained her daily visits
364:39 Liz had once explained her daily visits to her mother's grave. When Liz used to
364:42 to her mother's grave. When Liz used to visit her mom, she would sit down beside
364:44 visit her mom, she would sit down beside the headstone and talk to her mother
364:46 the headstone and talk to her mother like she was talking to her best friend.
364:48 like she was talking to her best friend. She told her what was going on in her
364:49 She told her what was going on in her life, and I remember Liz saying it made
364:52 life, and I remember Liz saying it made her feel like her mom was still involved
364:53 her feel like her mom was still involved in her world, even though she was gone.
364:56 in her world, even though she was gone. My trips to the cemetery were a little
364:58 My trips to the cemetery were a little different. I pretty much just sat down
365:01 different. I pretty much just sat down on the grass beside the Stor Herald
365:02 on the grass beside the Stor Herald Bennett headstone and stared into space,
365:05 Bennett headstone and stared into space, thinking things and assuming somehow the
365:07 thinking things and assuming somehow the ghosts of old Stew could drill into my
365:09 ghosts of old Stew could drill into my thoughts. I knew it was absurd. But I
365:13 thoughts. I knew it was absurd. But I also knew that I always felt a little
365:14 also knew that I always felt a little better when I left. I'd spent so many
365:17 better when I left. I'd spent so many panicked hours there at the beginning,
365:19 panicked hours there at the beginning, right after his massive heart attack
365:21 right after his massive heart attack rocked our world, desperately seeking
365:23 rocked our world, desperately seeking guidance from the grave because his
365:24 guidance from the grave because his headstone was the only place I could
365:25 headstone was the only place I could turn. There was no one else to tell me
365:28 turn. There was no one else to tell me how to make enough money to pay the
365:29 how to make enough money to pay the mortgage, what I was supposed to do when
365:31 mortgage, what I was supposed to do when my mom wouldn't come home, or how the
365:33 my mom wouldn't come home, or how the hell to install a new starter so I
365:34 hell to install a new starter so I didn't have to take my car to a garage
365:36 didn't have to take my car to a garage that we couldn't afford. So, I left it
365:38 that we couldn't afford. So, I left it at Stew's feet. Sometimes, like earlier
365:41 at Stew's feet. Sometimes, like earlier tonight, I just found a Cubs game on my
365:44 tonight, I just found a Cubs game on my phone and put it on speaker. I didn't
365:46 phone and put it on speaker. I didn't necessarily believe in the romanticized
365:48 necessarily believe in the romanticized notion of dead relatives hanging out
365:49 notion of dead relatives hanging out with us, but I also knew there was
365:51 with us, but I also knew there was something about listening to a game
365:53 something about listening to a game there that made me feel closer to my
365:54 there that made me feel closer to my dad. But whenever I allowed myself to
365:57 dad. But whenever I allowed myself to feel closer, to let all the memories
365:59 feel closer, to let all the memories rush in, the voice in my head whispered
366:01 rush in, the voice in my head whispered the reminder that always made me want to
366:03 the reminder that always made me want to run and hide.
366:05 run and hide. You're responsible.
366:07 You're responsible. Because I was. It was just a fact. I
366:11 Because I was. It was just a fact. I leaned my head back and remembered that
366:13 leaned my head back and remembered that phone call like it was yesterday. It'd
366:15 phone call like it was yesterday. It'd been 2 days before the exhibition game,
366:17 been 2 days before the exhibition game, my first freshman year, and I told him,
366:20 my first freshman year, and I told him, "I don't think you should come." Save
366:22 "I don't think you should come." Save it, Wesley," he said dismissively. "Your
366:25 it, Wesley," he said dismissively. "Your mom and I are leaving in a few hours.
366:27 mom and I are leaving in a few hours. The cars gassed up and everything." I
366:30 The cars gassed up and everything." I remember taking a deep breath and
366:31 remember taking a deep breath and powering through the words, forcing
366:33 powering through the words, forcing myself to do it. I didn't want to hear
366:35 myself to do it. I didn't want to hear him lose his [ __ ] but I needed it for
366:38 him lose his [ __ ] but I needed it for my mental health. I'd said, "Please
366:41 my mental health. I'd said, "Please don't come. It's just an exhibition
366:43 don't come. It's just an exhibition game, Dad. I don't want you to spend the
366:46 game, Dad. I don't want you to spend the money for a game that doesn't count." "A
366:48 money for a game that doesn't count." "A game that doesn't count?" he'd come back
366:50 game that doesn't count?" he'd come back with sounding agitated. Do you know who
366:53 with sounding agitated. Do you know who you sound like right now? Like a pitcher
366:56 you sound like right now? Like a pitcher who's going to blow it in the exhibition
366:57 who's going to blow it in the exhibition game. This game counts the most because
367:00 game. This game counts the most because it's your first time on the mound in
367:01 it's your first time on the mound in college. I'd been so stressed at the
367:04 college. I'd been so stressed at the time, so nervous I was going to let
367:05 time, so nervous I was going to let everyone down that I kind of snapped. Do
367:08 everyone down that I kind of snapped. Do you think I don't know that? He wasn't
367:11 you think I don't know that? He wasn't even there yet. And he was making me
367:12 even there yet. And he was making me more stressed about a game that I was
367:14 more stressed about a game that I was already out of my mind stressed about
367:16 already out of my mind stressed about and had been too much. I'm just saying
367:18 and had been too much. I'm just saying you guys don't need to drive 20 hours
367:20 you guys don't need to drive 20 hours for it. If I don't make the drive, kid,
367:23 for it. If I don't make the drive, kid, he'd insisted. Who's going to make sure
367:25 he'd insisted. Who's going to make sure you're ready? Not your coaches. They've
367:28 you're ready? Not your coaches. They've got you doing yoga and writing in
367:30 got you doing yoga and writing in goddamn journals instead of throwing the
367:31 goddamn journals instead of throwing the baseball. Dad. And not you? No. You'll
367:36 baseball. Dad. And not you? No. You'll be playing grab ass with the redhead
367:37 be playing grab ass with the redhead instead of focusing. I don't want you to
367:39 instead of focusing. I don't want you to come. I blurted yelling over the phone
367:42 come. I blurted yelling over the phone even though I never yelled at him. Okay.
367:45 even though I never yelled at him. Okay. I'm already stressed about this game.
367:47 I'm already stressed about this game. So, the last thing I need is you in my
367:49 So, the last thing I need is you in my head. Just stay home for this one.
367:52 head. Just stay home for this one. Please. Listen, kid. You've got to
367:55 Please. Listen, kid. You've got to channel that psychological nonsense and
367:57 channel that psychological nonsense and stop being a [ __ ] Do you think just
367:59 stop being a [ __ ] Do you think just stay away? Okay, Dad. I rubbed the back
368:03 stay away? Okay, Dad. I rubbed the back of my neck and stared into the fire.
368:05 of my neck and stared into the fire. Still able to hear the argument like it
368:07 Still able to hear the argument like it just happened. I sounded exactly like
368:10 just happened. I sounded exactly like him when I shouted, "You're the worst
368:11 him when I shouted, "You're the worst part of baseball for me, and I dread
368:13 part of baseball for me, and I dread seeing your face in the stands. Is that
368:15 seeing your face in the stands. Is that what you want me to say? because it's
368:17 what you want me to say? because it's the truth. I don't want you there." It
368:20 the truth. I don't want you there." It was dead quiet after I said that, and my
368:23 was dead quiet after I said that, and my heart had been pounding out of my chest.
368:25 heart had been pounding out of my chest. He was going to go apeshit on me for
368:27 He was going to go apeshit on me for talking to him like that, but he didn't.
368:31 talking to him like that, but he didn't. He didn't say anything. I could hear the
368:35 He didn't say anything. I could hear the TV in the background, so I knew he was
368:37 TV in the background, so I knew he was still there, but he didn't say a word.
368:41 still there, but he didn't say a word. And then the call was disconnected.
368:43 And then the call was disconnected. Screw this. I stood and poured water on
368:46 Screw this. I stood and poured water on the fire, my gut roing as sweat beated
368:48 the fire, my gut roing as sweat beated on my forehead in the cold breeze. I
368:51 on my forehead in the cold breeze. I didn't drink anymore. Not really. But
368:54 didn't drink anymore. Not really. But tonight was an emergency.
369:03 Chapter 26. I'm the exception.
369:06 I'm the exception. You are my exception.
369:08 You are my exception. He's just not that into you,
369:12 He's just not that into you, Liz.
369:15 Liz. I promise I'll come back sooner this
369:16 I promise I'll come back sooner this time. I sat beside the moms, wiping away
369:21 time. I sat beside the moms, wiping away my tears. The tears that wouldn't stop.
369:25 my tears. The tears that wouldn't stop. I had never meant to stay away for so
369:27 I had never meant to stay away for so long.
369:29 long. After I'd come home for Christmas my
369:31 After I'd come home for Christmas my freshman year, and everything terrible
369:33 freshman year, and everything terrible happened with Wes. I had jumped at the
369:36 happened with Wes. I had jumped at the chance to go on spring break with my
369:38 chance to go on spring break with my roommate a few months later.
369:40 roommate a few months later. The thought of seeing Wes had been
369:42 The thought of seeing Wes had been unbearable and thankfully my parents had
369:44 unbearable and thankfully my parents had been cool with the trip.
369:47 been cool with the trip. Then I decided to take summer classes.
369:50 Then I decided to take summer classes. Then last year I found a Verbbo in
369:52 Then last year I found a Verbbo in Colorado where my parents and I spent
369:54 Colorado where my parents and I spent Christmas break. And then I begged them
369:57 Christmas break. And then I begged them to let me go on spring break with Leo
369:59 to let me go on spring break with Leo and Campbell. Rinse and repeat with
370:02 and Campbell. Rinse and repeat with summer classes.
370:04 summer classes. My goal had never been to stay gone
370:07 My goal had never been to stay gone forever, but the anxiety I'd felt at the
370:10 forever, but the anxiety I'd felt at the thought of returning home led me to
370:13 thought of returning home led me to desperately grab on to any method of
370:15 desperately grab on to any method of avoidance every single time.
370:19 avoidance every single time. I'd been surprisingly okay with not
370:21 I'd been surprisingly okay with not being able to visit my mom's grave. I
370:24 being able to visit my mom's grave. I had grown up, it seemed, because I was
370:27 had grown up, it seemed, because I was now able to talk to my mom pretty much
370:30 now able to talk to my mom pretty much every day without being in close
370:32 every day without being in close proximity to her headstone.
370:34 proximity to her headstone. So, it didn't make sense that the moment
370:36 So, it didn't make sense that the moment I touched the letters of her name
370:38 I touched the letters of her name tonight, engraved in the cold marble,
370:42 tonight, engraved in the cold marble, I fell apart.
370:44 I fell apart. I was a mess.
370:46 I was a mess. I'd been sitting on the ground on top of
370:49 I'd been sitting on the ground on top of a pile of leaves, sobbing my eyes out as
370:52 a pile of leaves, sobbing my eyes out as I told my mother every tiny thing that
370:55 I told my mother every tiny thing that had happened to me since I'd left for
370:57 had happened to me since I'd left for college 2 years ago.
370:59 college 2 years ago. It was mostly good stuff, the happy
371:02 It was mostly good stuff, the happy accounting of the nice things in my
371:04 accounting of the nice things in my life. But telling her about it was
371:08 life. But telling her about it was making me miss her so much that it was
371:10 making me miss her so much that it was painful.
371:12 painful. What is wrong with me?
371:14 What is wrong with me? On top of that, the thought of leaving
371:17 On top of that, the thought of leaving her again felt just as awful as it had
371:20 her again felt just as awful as it had the first time.
371:22 the first time. Perhaps I was never going to get over
371:24 Perhaps I was never going to get over it, never be past it.
371:28 it, never be past it. I climbed to my feet and dusted off my
371:31 I climbed to my feet and dusted off my leggings.
371:32 leggings. It was really dark now and I needed to
371:35 It was really dark now and I needed to get home. I walked up the road, the road
371:39 get home. I walked up the road, the road I'd sprinted so many times over the
371:41 I'd sprinted so many times over the years, and it seemed like a lifetime
371:44 years, and it seemed like a lifetime ago.
371:46 ago. Who was that girl who jogged to the
371:48 Who was that girl who jogged to the cemetery on a daily basis?
371:50 cemetery on a daily basis? I couldn't remember.
371:53 I couldn't remember. Ironically, the last time I'd been here,
371:56 Ironically, the last time I'd been here, I hadn't even visited my mother's grave.
371:59 I hadn't even visited my mother's grave. It had been for Mr. Bennett's funeral.
372:02 It had been for Mr. Bennett's funeral. What a terrible day.
372:05 What a terrible day. It hadn't been cold for Nebraska, but it
372:08 It hadn't been cold for Nebraska, but it had rained hard the entire day.
372:11 had rained hard the entire day. I'd been with Wes in the big funeral
372:13 I'd been with Wes in the big funeral car, holding his hand while his mother
372:16 car, holding his hand while his mother sobbed uncontrollably,
372:18 sobbed uncontrollably, and his sister looked like a lost little
372:20 and his sister looked like a lost little bird, staring into space the entire day.
372:25 bird, staring into space the entire day. He'd been stoic, very unwestlike,
372:29 He'd been stoic, very unwestlike, while he behaved as the head of the
372:30 while he behaved as the head of the family, ushering his mom to her seat
372:33 family, ushering his mom to her seat under the makeshift awning, answering
372:36 under the makeshift awning, answering the pastor's questions,
372:38 the pastor's questions, watching his father's casket be lowered
372:40 watching his father's casket be lowered into the ground.
372:42 into the ground. "No," I muttered under my breath,
372:46 "No," I muttered under my breath, walking faster as the autumn breeze
372:47 walking faster as the autumn breeze picked up and blew my hair in front of
372:49 picked up and blew my hair in front of my face.
372:51 my face. The last thing I needed to be doing was
372:54 The last thing I needed to be doing was thinking about Wes or how awful that day
372:56 thinking about Wes or how awful that day had been. So, it didn't make any sense
372:59 had been. So, it didn't make any sense that I was walking toward Mr. Bennett's
373:01 that I was walking toward Mr. Bennett's grave.
373:03 grave. But, I just had to see it.
373:06 But, I just had to see it. It was illogical, but I felt the need to
373:09 It was illogical, but I felt the need to visit him while I was there, to at the
373:12 visit him while I was there, to at the very least say hello.
373:14 very least say hello. I knew I was nuts when it came to
373:16 I knew I was nuts when it came to cemeteries, but I didn't like the
373:19 cemeteries, but I didn't like the thought of no one visiting him, even if
373:22 thought of no one visiting him, even if he had been a bit of a jerk 75% of the
373:24 he had been a bit of a jerk 75% of the time.
373:26 time. I went straight to the cottonwood tree
373:28 I went straight to the cottonwood tree it was under, the biggest tree in the
373:30 it was under, the biggest tree in the cemetery and my absolute favorite.
373:34 cemetery and my absolute favorite. Its leaves were probably bright yellow
373:36 Its leaves were probably bright yellow by now, but it was impossible to tell in
373:39 by now, but it was impossible to tell in the darkness.
373:41 the darkness. I ducked underneath its lowest branch
373:44 I ducked underneath its lowest branch and knelt at the grave marker I could
373:46 and knelt at the grave marker I could barely see.
373:48 barely see. Stuart Harold Bennett.
373:51 Stuart Harold Bennett. I burrowed my chin into the collar of
373:53 I burrowed my chin into the collar of the jacket as the name Wesley Harold
373:56 the jacket as the name Wesley Harold Bennett whispered through my ears.
373:59 Bennett whispered through my ears. And before I could process that, I saw
374:02 And before I could process that, I saw the baseballs.
374:05 the baseballs. I got out my phone again and turned on
374:07 I got out my phone again and turned on the flashlight because maybe I was
374:09 the flashlight because maybe I was seeing things.
374:11 seeing things. only. Nope. They were baseballs.
374:16 only. Nope. They were baseballs. At the base of the headstone, there were
374:19 At the base of the headstone, there were no fewer than 15 baseballs. Each one
374:22 no fewer than 15 baseballs. Each one burrowed into the mud and dirt just
374:24 burrowed into the mud and dirt just enough so they stayed put.
374:27 enough so they stayed put. I set a finger on one of them, wondering
374:30 I set a finger on one of them, wondering if Wes had left them, while knowing it
374:32 if Wes had left them, while knowing it had to have been him.
374:35 had to have been him. I leaned down to dust a few leaves off
374:37 I leaned down to dust a few leaves off the top of the marble when I saw a key
374:40 the top of the marble when I saw a key ring on the ground, the metal glinting
374:42 ring on the ground, the metal glinting in the light of the flashlight.
374:45 in the light of the flashlight. I picked it up and it was a Bruins
374:47 I picked it up and it was a Bruins baseball keychain with a few keys on it.
374:50 baseball keychain with a few keys on it. They had to be Wes's keys, right?
374:53 They had to be Wes's keys, right? I picked them up and put them in my
374:55 I picked them up and put them in my pocket. He was probably freaking out
374:59 pocket. He was probably freaking out trying to find them, especially when the
375:01 trying to find them, especially when the closing was tomorrow.
375:03 closing was tomorrow. As soon as I got back to the house, I'd
375:05 As soon as I got back to the house, I'd figure out how to get them to him. I
375:08 figure out how to get them to him. I could text him, but maybe I'd give them
375:11 could text him, but maybe I'd give them to Clark to give to him instead.
375:14 to Clark to give to him instead. I didn't want to be thinking about Wes
375:16 I didn't want to be thinking about Wes right now, even as I knelt at his
375:19 right now, even as I knelt at his father's grave.
375:21 father's grave. I looked down at the baseballs, blinking
375:24 I looked down at the baseballs, blinking back more tears.
375:26 back more tears. What the hell is wrong with me tonight?
375:30 What the hell is wrong with me tonight? As I said, hey, Mr. Bennett, sorry I've
375:34 As I said, hey, Mr. Bennett, sorry I've never come to see you."
375:37 never come to see you." I pictured his face, handsome like
375:40 I pictured his face, handsome like Wes's, but not as kind.
375:43 Wes's, but not as kind. And I just started rambling
375:46 And I just started rambling about how well Wes pitched at the
375:48 about how well Wes pitched at the exhibition game.
375:50 exhibition game. It was what he'd want to hear if he was
375:52 It was what he'd want to hear if he was alive. So, I assumed his preferences
375:55 alive. So, I assumed his preferences hadn't changed.
375:57 hadn't changed. I told him how hard his son had thrown,
376:00 I told him how hard his son had thrown, and I told him how no one had been able
376:02 and I told him how no one had been able to hit off him.
376:04 to hit off him. I even said he really threw him the gas,
376:08 I even said he really threw him the gas, Mr. Bennett's favorite expression.
376:11 Mr. Bennett's favorite expression. By the time I was finished talking to
376:13 By the time I was finished talking to ghosts at the cemetery, I was frozen.
376:17 ghosts at the cemetery, I was frozen. I ran home, took a long, hot shower, and
376:21 I ran home, took a long, hot shower, and after hanging out with my dad and Helena
376:23 after hanging out with my dad and Helena for an hour, I finally went up to bed.
376:27 for an hour, I finally went up to bed. But before I could sleep, I needed to
376:30 But before I could sleep, I needed to tell Wes about his keys.
376:33 tell Wes about his keys. I think I found your keys.
376:35 I think I found your keys. Nope. I backspaced, not wanting him to
376:39 Nope. I backspaced, not wanting him to know I'd visited his dad's grave.
376:42 know I'd visited his dad's grave. I typed. Your keys were on the ground at
376:45 I typed. Your keys were on the ground at the cemetery.
376:51 Backspaced again. Why was I overthinking this? I just
376:53 Why was I overthinking this? I just needed to tell him I found his keys. No
376:55 needed to tell him I found his keys. No big deal. I texted.
376:59 big deal. I texted. I found some keys that I think might be
377:01 I found some keys that I think might be yours. I'll drop them in your mailbox.
377:04 yours. I'll drop them in your mailbox. Send.
377:06 Send. Finally.
377:08 Finally. I'd been randomly looking out the window
377:10 I'd been randomly looking out the window since I got back from my run. Yep. The
377:13 since I got back from my run. Yep. The silver car I saw him get out of earlier
377:15 silver car I saw him get out of earlier is still there.
377:17 is still there. But there weren't any lights on inside
377:19 But there weren't any lights on inside his house.
377:21 his house. It looked vacant and asleep.
377:24 It looked vacant and asleep. So maybe he'd left the car there or
377:26 So maybe he'd left the car there or something.
377:27 something. My phone started ringing in my hand,
377:30 My phone started ringing in my hand, startling me. God. I looked down and Wes
377:35 startling me. God. I looked down and Wes was calling me.
377:37 was calling me. Why?
377:40 Why? I took a deep breath then raised the
377:42 I took a deep breath then raised the phone to my ear. Hello.
377:46 phone to my ear. Hello. Kiss.
377:48 Kiss. Wes's voice sounded weird, like it was
377:51 Wes's voice sounded weird, like it was too close to the phone or something.
377:54 too close to the phone or something. What keys?
377:56 What keys? >> Um, there are a couple keys on a Bruins
377:59 >> Um, there are a couple keys on a Bruins baseball keychain, I said mildly
378:03 baseball keychain, I said mildly confused by his tone.
378:06 confused by his tone. I just assumed they were yours.
378:09 I just assumed they were yours. Did my dad give them to you? He asked,
378:13 Did my dad give them to you? He asked, sounding wildly confused.
378:16 sounding wildly confused. How the hell did you get them?
378:20 How the hell did you get them? His dad?
378:21 His dad? What? No, I found them on the ground.
378:26 What? No, I found them on the ground. The ground,
378:29 The ground, he said, dragging out the words.
378:33 he said, dragging out the words. The ground? Where?
378:36 The ground? Where? The chemary.
378:39 The chemary. Are you back?
378:41 Are you back? Only it sounded a little like cemetery.
378:45 Only it sounded a little like cemetery. Yes. Are you drunk?
378:48 Yes. Are you drunk? Little bit, he replied.
378:51 Little bit, he replied. his words slower than his usual
378:54 his words slower than his usual fast-paced rate of snappy sarcasm.
378:57 fast-paced rate of snappy sarcasm. But that doesn't change the fact that
378:59 But that doesn't change the fact that like, did you visit my dad's grave?
379:05 like, did you visit my dad's grave? Or did one of those [ __ ] squirrels
379:07 Or did one of those [ __ ] squirrels run off with the keys? They used to take
379:09 run off with the keys? They used to take the stuff I left all the goddamn time.
379:12 the stuff I left all the goddamn time. Little [ __ ]
379:15 Little [ __ ] >> Definitely drunk.
379:17 >> Definitely drunk. I was walking by his grave. I lied,
379:21 I was walking by his grave. I lied, dumbruck by his intoxication
379:24 dumbruck by his intoxication and happened to see them lying there.
379:28 and happened to see them lying there. I left him the keys
379:31 I left him the keys because it was his house, you know, he
379:34 because it was his house, you know, he said kind of mumbling.
379:37 said kind of mumbling. He should have them.
379:40 He should have them. I didn't know what to say because I was
379:42 I didn't know what to say because I was having trouble processing all this.
379:45 having trouble processing all this. Is Michael there with you?
379:48 Is Michael there with you? No one is with me, he said, sounding
379:52 No one is with me, he said, sounding distracted.
379:54 distracted. I couldn't have anyone over for the last
379:56 I couldn't have anyone over for the last night at the Bennett house. Are you
379:59 night at the Bennett house. Are you kidding?
380:00 kidding? He'd hate that.
380:02 He'd hate that. His dad.
380:05 His dad. Maybe you shouldn't be alone, Wes. I
380:07 Maybe you shouldn't be alone, Wes. I said, looking out the window, but only
380:10 said, looking out the window, but only seeing darkness from his house.
380:13 seeing darkness from his house. Why was he alone? Why was he alone and
380:16 Why was he alone? Why was he alone and drunk? Was he sitting on the floor in
380:19 drunk? Was he sitting on the floor in the dark all by himself with a bottle of
380:21 the dark all by himself with a bottle of booze?
380:23 booze? I wasn't sure why, but I felt like I
380:25 I wasn't sure why, but I felt like I should call someone. It seemed dangerous
380:28 should call someone. It seemed dangerous for him to be drunk and by himself in an
380:30 for him to be drunk and by himself in an empty house.
380:32 empty house. My throat was tight when I suggested.
380:35 My throat was tight when I suggested. Can you call someone?
380:39 Can you call someone? No,
380:40 No, cuz I'm going to sleep now. Lib, he
380:43 cuz I'm going to sleep now. Lib, he said. and his subconscious use of my old
380:46 said. and his subconscious use of my old nickname made that throat tension even
380:49 nickname made that throat tension even worse.
380:51 worse. I'm so tired.
380:54 I'm so tired. I'm so tired.
380:56 I'm so tired. Something about that statement was
380:58 Something about that statement was worrisome and I wondered if I should try
381:00 worrisome and I wondered if I should try to find Sarah's number.
381:03 to find Sarah's number. "Okay,"
381:04 "Okay," I said, not knowing what to say. I knew
381:08 I said, not knowing what to say. I knew he had to be hurting, but I wasn't the
381:10 he had to be hurting, but I wasn't the person to be helping him anymore.
381:13 person to be helping him anymore. Right.
381:15 Right. I swallowed and said, "Well, good night
381:18 I swallowed and said, "Well, good night was."
381:20 was." "I miss our good nights," he mumbled to
381:24 "I miss our good nights," he mumbled to himself, it seemed. And then the call
381:27 himself, it seemed. And then the call ended.
381:29 ended. I sat there with the phone in my hand,
381:32 I sat there with the phone in my hand, frozen in place, not sure what to do.
381:36 frozen in place, not sure what to do. My stomach hurt as I pictured him drunk
381:38 My stomach hurt as I pictured him drunk and alone in an empty house.
381:41 and alone in an empty house. But he wasn't mine to worry about
381:43 But he wasn't mine to worry about anymore. He was just my old neighbor, a
381:46 anymore. He was just my old neighbor, a guy I'd dated for a few months, and our
381:49 guy I'd dated for a few months, and our lives had moved on, right?
381:53 lives had moved on, right? It wasn't my business if he was sad. But
381:56 It wasn't my business if he was sad. But as I turned out my light and went to
381:57 as I turned out my light and went to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
382:01 bed, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I kept picturing his dark eyes full of
382:05 I kept picturing his dark eyes full of tears at the funeral
382:07 tears at the funeral and his slurred voice when he said, "Did
382:11 and his slurred voice when he said, "Did my dad give them to you?"
382:14 my dad give them to you?" I tossed and turned. Wes on my mind when
382:17 I tossed and turned. Wes on my mind when I was awake and when I was asleep
382:20 I was awake and when I was asleep then my worries switched to the alcohol
382:23 then my worries switched to the alcohol and his aloneeness. How much had he
382:25 and his aloneeness. How much had he consumed? What if he'd been drinking
382:27 consumed? What if he'd been drinking straight from a bottle all night?
382:30 straight from a bottle all night? At 2:15, I reached for my phone, texted,
382:34 At 2:15, I reached for my phone, texted, "Are you okay?"
382:37 "Are you okay?" 20 minutes later, he still hadn't
382:38 20 minutes later, he still hadn't responded.
382:40 responded. "Damn it." I sat up and flipped on my
382:43 "Damn it." I sat up and flipped on my lamp. Realizing I had no choice.
382:52 Just knock on the door, make sure he's alive, say goodbye.
382:54 alive, say goodbye. I knocked on the front door of his
382:55 I knocked on the front door of his house. nervous because it was the middle
382:58 house. nervous because it was the middle of the night and I was prowling around
383:00 of the night and I was prowling around outside.
383:02 outside. This is stupid.
383:04 This is stupid. There were still no lights on inside.
383:06 There were still no lights on inside. Zero black space in every window. Not a
383:10 Zero black space in every window. Not a single light to be seen. Yet, Wes's car
383:12 single light to be seen. Yet, Wes's car was still in the driveway. Part of me
383:15 was still in the driveway. Part of me wanted to just run back home, but I had
383:18 wanted to just run back home, but I had to make sure he was okay.
383:20 to make sure he was okay. I looked behind me toward the street,
383:23 I looked behind me toward the street, but it was quiet except for the chilly
383:25 but it was quiet except for the chilly fall breeze and the sounds of the dry
383:27 fall breeze and the sounds of the dry leaves blowing in the wind.
383:30 leaves blowing in the wind. Very creepy.
383:32 Very creepy. I knocked again and then I heard it. Foo
383:37 I knocked again and then I heard it. Foo fighters coming from inside his house.
383:41 fighters coming from inside his house. The deeper the blues, the more I see
383:43 The deeper the blues, the more I see black.
383:45 black. Loud.
383:47 Loud. Wes. I knocked harder, a little
383:50 Wes. I knocked harder, a little irritated. I wasn't sure if he was even
383:53 irritated. I wasn't sure if he was even inside, but I wanted to be finished with
383:55 inside, but I wanted to be finished with the standing alone in the dark outside
383:57 the standing alone in the dark outside portion of the evening, especially since
383:59 portion of the evening, especially since my dad and Helena were sound asleep. If
384:02 my dad and Helena were sound asleep. If I disappeared, no one would even know
384:05 I disappeared, no one would even know I'd left the house until morning.
384:08 I'd left the house until morning. After another 10 seconds, I said, "Screw
384:12 After another 10 seconds, I said, "Screw it."
384:13 it." I stuck the key that was obviously a
384:15 I stuck the key that was obviously a house key into the lock, turned the door
384:17 house key into the lock, turned the door knob, and pushed in the door.
384:20 knob, and pushed in the door. Wes,
384:21 Wes, it's Liz.
384:23 it's Liz. I stepped inside, letting the screen
384:26 I stepped inside, letting the screen door close behind me. I quietly shut the
384:29 door close behind me. I quietly shut the front door and wondered what the hell I
384:32 front door and wondered what the hell I was even doing.
384:34 was even doing. The music sounded like it was coming
384:35 The music sounded like it was coming from the living room, so I went up the
384:38 from the living room, so I went up the five steps that led from the entryway to
384:40 five steps that led from the entryway to the main level.
384:41 the main level. I walked slowly because it was so
384:44 I walked slowly because it was so incredibly dark in there. Suddenly, this
384:47 incredibly dark in there. Suddenly, this seemed like the worst idea I'd ever had.
384:51 seemed like the worst idea I'd ever had. Wes.
384:52 Wes. I looked to my left, and it was a little
384:55 I looked to my left, and it was a little easier to see. The front curtains were
384:58 easier to see. The front curtains were wide open, so the bright moon and street
385:00 wide open, so the bright moon and street lights illuminated the very empty living
385:03 lights illuminated the very empty living room.
385:04 room. Not a picture, not a piece of furniture,
385:07 Not a picture, not a piece of furniture, not a single familiar item remained from
385:09 not a single familiar item remained from the Bennett's former home.
385:12 the Bennett's former home. I could see the glow of the tiny red
385:14 I could see the glow of the tiny red light on the Bluetooth speaker that was
385:15 light on the Bluetooth speaker that was playing the Foo Fighters, but no one was
385:18 playing the Foo Fighters, but no one was in that room.
385:20 in that room. Damn it. I hit the wall switch and the
385:24 Damn it. I hit the wall switch and the recessed light above the fireplace
385:25 recessed light above the fireplace turned on, confirming the room's
385:28 turned on, confirming the room's emptiness.
385:30 emptiness. I started down the hallway, walking in
385:32 I started down the hallway, walking in the direction of the bedrooms, my heart
385:34 the direction of the bedrooms, my heart pounding in my chest.
385:37 pounding in my chest. I didn't know what I was doing, but it
385:39 I didn't know what I was doing, but it seemed very stupid.
385:42 seemed very stupid. "Wes," I said quietly, not wanting to
385:46 "Wes," I said quietly, not wanting to scare him.
385:47 scare him. I walked past his room and Sarah's room,
385:50 I walked past his room and Sarah's room, which were both dark and quiet.
385:53 which were both dark and quiet. Then I heard a sound coming from his
385:55 Then I heard a sound coming from his parents' room at the end of the hall,
385:58 parents' room at the end of the hall, like someone was talking.
386:00 like someone was talking. "Thank God." I'd pictured him
386:03 "Thank God." I'd pictured him unconscious in a puddle of his own
386:05 unconscious in a puddle of his own vomit.
386:07 vomit. "Not," I heard him mumble,
386:10 "Not," I heard him mumble, but then he made a weird noise,
386:14 but then he made a weird noise, like a whimper,
386:16 like a whimper, like a moan.
386:18 like a moan. "Oh my god, is he with someone?"
386:22 "Oh my god, is he with someone?" I turned on the halllight, my heart
386:25 I turned on the halllight, my heart pounding in my chest as I crept closer
386:27 pounding in my chest as I crept closer to the bedroom.
386:29 to the bedroom. "Wes," I whispered, and when I reached
386:33 "Wes," I whispered, and when I reached the bedroom door, I could see him lying
386:36 the bedroom door, I could see him lying shirtless on the floor of the empty
386:38 shirtless on the floor of the empty room.
386:39 room. There was a sweatshirt under his head,
386:42 There was a sweatshirt under his head, and he was facing the other direction,
386:45 and he was facing the other direction, but he was agitated in his sleep.
386:48 but he was agitated in his sleep. He was thrashing, his head moving as he
386:51 He was thrashing, his head moving as he made a sound that sounded a lot like a
386:54 made a sound that sounded a lot like a sob. "Oh my god, is he crying
386:58 sob. "Oh my god, is he crying in his sleep?"
387:00 in his sleep?" "Wes," I said a little louder, wanting
387:04 "Wes," I said a little louder, wanting to wake him up but not scare him.
387:07 to wake him up but not scare him. "Help me," he muttered, his sleeping
387:11 "Help me," he muttered, his sleeping voice infused with panic.
387:14 voice infused with panic. "Do something.
387:16 "Do something. Wake up, Wes," I said, feeling panicked
387:20 Wake up, Wes," I said, feeling panicked as I dropped to my knees beside him and
387:22 as I dropped to my knees beside him and touched his arm. I didn't want to scare
387:24 touched his arm. I didn't want to scare him, but he needed to wake up. "Wes,
387:29 him, but he needed to wake up. "Wes, I'm so sorry.
387:31 I'm so sorry. So sorry,"
387:33 So sorry," he mumbled,
387:35 he mumbled, and my heart broke for him as his voice
387:37 and my heart broke for him as his voice cracked.
387:39 cracked. Wes. I lightly slapped at his cheeks, my
387:42 Wes. I lightly slapped at his cheeks, my heart in my throat, as desperation to
387:44 heart in my throat, as desperation to wake him from the nightmare clawed at
387:46 wake him from the nightmare clawed at me. I didn't know what was going on in
387:49 me. I didn't know what was going on in his subconscious, but I knew he needed
387:51 his subconscious, but I knew he needed to escape it. Wake up. Suddenly, he
387:55 to escape it. Wake up. Suddenly, he sucked in a huge gasp of air, sounding
387:57 sucked in a huge gasp of air, sounding like someone who'd just come up from
387:59 like someone who'd just come up from being held underwater.
388:01 being held underwater. His eyes flew open, and he looked
388:04 His eyes flew open, and he looked completely disoriented.
388:06 completely disoriented. "Help me!"
388:07 "Help me!" He gasped, sitting up, turning his head
388:10 He gasped, sitting up, turning his head to look down the hall. "We have to do
388:13 to look down the hall. "We have to do CPR," "Wes," I said, setting my hands on
388:17 CPR," "Wes," I said, setting my hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him while
388:20 his shoulders, trying to calm him while he woke up, empathy burning in my chest
388:23 he woke up, empathy burning in my chest for the raw anguish I could see on his
388:25 for the raw anguish I could see on his face. "It's okay. You were dreaming."
388:30 face. "It's okay. You were dreaming." No, though, he said, his voice panicked,
388:34 No, though, he said, his voice panicked, his eyes glistening with tears in the
388:36 his eyes glistening with tears in the darkness. He's by his chair and needs
388:39 darkness. He's by his chair and needs us. It was a dream, I interrupted,
388:43 us. It was a dream, I interrupted, wanting so badly to get him back from
388:46 wanting so badly to get him back from whatever terrible place had him. Wes,
388:50 whatever terrible place had him. Wes, sh, it's okay. It's not okay. It's my
388:54 sh, it's okay. It's not okay. It's my fault. His chest was rising and falling
388:59 fault. His chest was rising and falling like he was breathing too much and
389:00 like he was breathing too much and couldn't catch his breath. He shrugged
389:03 couldn't catch his breath. He shrugged off my hands and climbed to his feet. I
389:06 off my hands and climbed to his feet. I have to go help [clears throat] my dad.
389:09 have to go help [clears throat] my dad. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I
389:12 Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I thought having no idea how to help him.
389:16 thought having no idea how to help him. Should I shout the truth that his dad is
389:19 Should I shout the truth that his dad is dead? That didn't seem like a great
389:21 dead? That didn't seem like a great idea, but he needed to snap out of this,
389:23 idea, but he needed to snap out of this, right? What am I supposed to do here?
389:28 right? What am I supposed to do here? Your dad is gone,
389:30 Your dad is gone, I said in a voice so quiet it was almost
389:33 I said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.
389:34 a whisper. I looked up at him,
389:37 I looked up at him, a little scared, but not even sure of
389:39 a little scared, but not even sure of what and hated having to say.
389:43 what and hated having to say. What?
389:45 What? He's gone.
389:47 He's gone. No, he said, shaking his head as the
389:51 No, he said, shaking his head as the light from the hallway showed me the
389:53 light from the hallway showed me the tears on his cheeks.
389:55 tears on his cheeks. He turned and stumbled toward the living
389:57 He turned and stumbled toward the living room's hang.
389:59 room's hang. I have to fix him.
390:02 I have to fix him. Wes.
390:04 Wes. Dear God, how drunk was he? And I
390:07 Dear God, how drunk was he? And I desperately wanted this to be
390:08 desperately wanted this to be drunkenness because if it wasn't, what
390:11 drunkenness because if it wasn't, what was this pain?
390:13 was this pain? I grieved my mother every day. But this
390:17 I grieved my mother every day. But this was very different.
390:19 was very different. I stood and went after him. And when I
390:22 I stood and went after him. And when I got to the living room, he was staring
390:24 got to the living room, he was staring at the spot in the corner where his
390:26 at the spot in the corner where his dad's recliner used to sit.
390:28 dad's recliner used to sit. Just staring into space as the Foo
390:30 Just staring into space as the Foo Fighters screamed against the walls,
390:34 Fighters screamed against the walls, shaking like the thunder.
390:37 shaking like the thunder. I blinked back tears as he fell to his
390:39 I blinked back tears as he fell to his knees, like the reality of the moment
390:42 knees, like the reality of the moment was just too much for him to take while
390:44 was just too much for him to take while standing.
390:46 standing. Wes.
390:48 Wes. I knelt beside him and put my hand on
390:51 I knelt beside him and put my hand on his back, desperately needing to find a
390:54 his back, desperately needing to find a way to help to somehow lessen whatever
390:58 way to help to somehow lessen whatever this pain was.
391:00 this pain was. Even if this was a drunken stouper, I'd
391:02 Even if this was a drunken stouper, I'd never seen him or anyone hurt quite this
391:06 never seen him or anyone hurt quite this much.
391:08 much. He looked at me through lost, tearfilled
391:10 He looked at me through lost, tearfilled eyes,
391:12 eyes, and he shook his head.
391:15 and he shook his head. I can't fix it.
391:18 I can't fix it. I know.
391:20 I know. I pushed back the hair on his sweaty
391:22 I pushed back the hair on his sweaty forehead and had trouble seeing him
391:25 forehead and had trouble seeing him through my tears.
391:27 through my tears. But it's okay.
391:30 But it's okay. It's not okay, he said.
391:33 It's not okay, he said. And I felt the anguish in his unsteady
391:36 And I felt the anguish in his unsteady voice.
391:38 voice. I could smell the alcohol in his breath,
391:40 I could smell the alcohol in his breath, but I suspected this had very little to
391:42 but I suspected this had very little to do with that fact.
391:44 do with that fact. It's my fault.
391:47 It's my fault. Just calm down, I said quietly because
391:51 Just calm down, I said quietly because his chest was rising and falling too
391:53 his chest was rising and falling too fast, like he couldn't catch his breath.
391:57 fast, like he couldn't catch his breath. "No,
391:58 "No, you don't get it," he said, shaking his
392:02 you don't get it," he said, shaking his head. And yeah, he was definitely
392:04 head. And yeah, he was definitely breathing too hard. As someone who'd
392:07 breathing too hard. As someone who'd dealt with her own panic attacks, I
392:09 dealt with her own panic attacks, I recognized the familiar.
392:11 recognized the familiar. West Bennett, look at me now.
392:22 >> Chapter 27. I propose we not make plans. I propose
392:25 I propose we not make plans. I propose we give this thing a chance and let it
392:26 we give this thing a chance and let it work out how it works out. So, what do
392:29 work out how it works out. So, what do you say? Do you want to not make plans
392:31 you say? Do you want to not make plans with me? Leap year.
392:38 I couldn't breathe again. My heart was racing and my breath was coming too fast
392:41 racing and my breath was coming too fast as it all screamed back at me. This
392:43 as it all screamed back at me. This happened sometimes after the nightmares,
392:45 happened sometimes after the nightmares, but this was the first time it was
392:46 but this was the first time it was happening in front of somebody else.
392:48 happening in front of somebody else. [ __ ] awesome.
392:50 [ __ ] awesome. Wes. Liz's face was suddenly all I could
392:53 Wes. Liz's face was suddenly all I could see as she moved closer. "Eyes on me." I
392:57 see as she moved closer. "Eyes on me." I nodded and tried to catch my breath.
393:00 nodded and tried to catch my breath. "Deep breath through your nose," she
393:02 "Deep breath through your nose," she said, setting her hands on my chest.
393:05 said, setting her hands on my chest. "Come on." Her eyes became my whole
393:08 "Come on." Her eyes became my whole world. I inhaled, feeling her fingertips
393:11 world. I inhaled, feeling her fingertips on my skin, and she nodded. "Good. Now
393:15 on my skin, and she nodded. "Good. Now listen to me." She moved her hands to my
393:18 listen to me." She moved her hands to my jaw, grabbing my cheeks and pulling my
393:20 jaw, grabbing my cheeks and pulling my face closer to hers. It was dark, but I
393:23 face closer to hers. It was dark, but I saw the shimmer of tears as she spoke
393:25 saw the shimmer of tears as she spoke loud and slow. "It wasn't your fault." I
393:29 loud and slow. "It wasn't your fault." I stared into her eyes, desperate to
393:32 stared into her eyes, desperate to believe her, wanting so badly to just
393:34 believe her, wanting so badly to just let the words manipulate reality and
393:36 let the words manipulate reality and make it all go away. Her fingers flexed
393:39 make it all go away. Her fingers flexed on my skin, squeezing like she was
393:41 on my skin, squeezing like she was demanding my attention. I don't know how
393:44 demanding my attention. I don't know how you could think that, but it isn't true.
393:47 you could think that, but it isn't true. But I said, Wes. She set her forehead on
393:51 But I said, Wes. She set her forehead on mine, her tone soothing as her gentle
393:53 mine, her tone soothing as her gentle fingers warm my skin. Her voice was
393:55 fingers warm my skin. Her voice was sweet and breathy, a melatonin cloud as
393:59 sweet and breathy, a melatonin cloud as she insisted, "You need to forgive
394:02 she insisted, "You need to forgive yourself for whatever this is." Okay. I
394:05 yourself for whatever this is." Okay. I felt a little lightheaded as I closed my
394:07 felt a little lightheaded as I closed my eyes. I'd never forgive myself. I opened
394:11 eyes. I'd never forgive myself. I opened my eyes and lingered, reveling in Liz's
394:13 my eyes and lingered, reveling in Liz's hands on my face, her forehead on mine.
394:17 hands on my face, her forehead on mine. She was right there with me, my Libby. I
394:20 She was right there with me, my Libby. I raised my hands and pushed back her
394:22 raised my hands and pushed back her hair, sliding all 10 fingers into the
394:24 hair, sliding all 10 fingers into the soft, thick curls that always smelled
394:26 soft, thick curls that always smelled like Friia. She was watching me with
394:28 like Friia. She was watching me with damp eyes, her lips sweet and soft. And
394:31 damp eyes, her lips sweet and soft. And the magnitude of my longing was like a
394:33 the magnitude of my longing was like a punch to the solar plexus. "Lib," I
394:36 punch to the solar plexus. "Lib," I whispered, lowering my head and kissing
394:39 whispered, lowering my head and kissing away a tear. I could feel her long,
394:42 away a tear. I could feel her long, jagged inhalation as I tilted her head
394:44 jagged inhalation as I tilted her head with my hands as I went back for the
394:46 with my hands as I went back for the tear on her other cheek. My hands were
394:49 tear on her other cheek. My hands were shaking as I slid them lower, so my
394:51 shaking as I slid them lower, so my palms were on her warm throat. My
394:53 palms were on her warm throat. My fingers buried underneath the back of
394:55 fingers buried underneath the back of her hair. She didn't move, didn't speak.
394:58 her hair. She didn't move, didn't speak. We were in slow motion, quicksand, and
395:00 We were in slow motion, quicksand, and the only thing I knew was that we were
395:02 the only thing I knew was that we were about to kiss. Liz's eyes dipped down to
395:05 about to kiss. Liz's eyes dipped down to my mouth, and I was done fighting it.
395:08 my mouth, and I was done fighting it. Need flamed up like sizzling oil on a
395:10 Need flamed up like sizzling oil on a dancing flame. Her fingertips tightened
395:13 dancing flame. Her fingertips tightened on my jaw as I lowered my mouth to hers.
395:16 on my jaw as I lowered my mouth to hers. But just as our lips touched, I
395:18 But just as our lips touched, I remembered she had a boyfriend. Why does
395:22 remembered she had a boyfriend. Why does she have to have a boyfriend? I wanted
395:25 she have to have a boyfriend? I wanted to ignore it so damn badly to put it out
395:27 to ignore it so damn badly to put it out of my head and slide into the only thing
395:29 of my head and slide into the only thing I'd ever needed. I wanted to forget that
395:32 I'd ever needed. I wanted to forget that everyone and everything existed except
395:34 everyone and everything existed except for my mouth and Liz Bucks bow.
395:36 for my mouth and Liz Bucks bow. Especially when those green eyes slid
395:38 Especially when those green eyes slid shut. Every molecule in my body buzzed
395:41 shut. Every molecule in my body buzzed and every cell came alive as I felt the
395:43 and every cell came alive as I felt the softness of her sigh and the offering of
395:46 softness of her sigh and the offering of her mouth. My entire existence roared to
395:49 her mouth. My entire existence roared to attention and wanted so damn badly.
395:51 attention and wanted so damn badly. "Dear Lord, it hurt to want that much."
395:54 "Dear Lord, it hurt to want that much." My heart was pounding in my chest as I
395:56 My heart was pounding in my chest as I forced myself not to be an [ __ ]
395:58 forced myself not to be an [ __ ] "Thank you, Lib," I whispered against
396:00 "Thank you, Lib," I whispered against her lips, selfishly dragging my teeth
396:02 her lips, selfishly dragging my teeth over her bottom lip for a split second
396:04 over her bottom lip for a split second before pulling back. I couldn't kiss
396:07 before pulling back. I couldn't kiss her. Not now. But I was too starved for
396:10 her. Not now. But I was too starved for a bite not to steal a sample. Her eyes
396:13 a bite not to steal a sample. Her eyes fluttered open, and the expectation in
396:15 fluttered open, and the expectation in her gaze was torture, so much that I had
396:17 her gaze was torture, so much that I had to close my eyes for a second if I was
396:19 to close my eyes for a second if I was going to be strong enough to resist
396:21 going to be strong enough to resist being a prick. 1 2 [clears throat]
396:24 being a prick. 1 2 [clears throat] 3. I dropped a barely there peck on her
396:27 3. I dropped a barely there peck on her lips, a soft brush that was more of a
396:30 lips, a soft brush that was more of a breath than a kiss. And it didn't make
396:32 breath than a kiss. And it didn't make sense the way I brought the tightness
396:34 sense the way I brought the tightness back to my throat and made something in
396:36 back to my throat and made something in my chest pinch so hard it burned.
396:38 my chest pinch so hard it burned. It wasn't even a kiss. Of course, she
396:42 It wasn't even a kiss. Of course, she whispered a tiny wrinkle on her forehead
396:44 whispered a tiny wrinkle on her forehead as she looked up at me. And damn it, I
396:48 as she looked up at me. And damn it, I could still feel the fullness of her
396:49 could still feel the fullness of her lower lip between my teeth. Missing her
396:52 lower lip between my teeth. Missing her was normal, like my default nowadays.
396:55 was normal, like my default nowadays. But the way I felt as I pushed the hair
396:58 But the way I felt as I pushed the hair away from her face and stared into her
396:59 away from her face and stared into her eyes was like missing her, but to the
397:03 eyes was like missing her, but to the nth degree. I don't deserve you. what
397:06 nth degree. I don't deserve you. what you did for me, I said, my fingers
397:09 you did for me, I said, my fingers sliding through her silky curls. After
397:12 sliding through her silky curls. After everything, I didn't do anything. Yes,
397:15 everything, I didn't do anything. Yes, you did, I said, watching my hands as
397:18 you did, I said, watching my hands as they slipped through her hair. I woke
397:21 they slipped through her hair. I woke you from a bad dream, she said in a near
397:23 you from a bad dream, she said in a near whisper, closing her eyes and leaning
397:25 whisper, closing her eyes and leaning into my touch, offering up her hair to
397:28 into my touch, offering up her hair to my hands. That's all, lib, I said. It
397:33 my hands. That's all, lib, I said. It was a lot more than that, was it? She
397:36 was a lot more than that, was it? She opened her eyes and a thousand
397:38 opened her eyes and a thousand butterflies went wild in my stomach
397:41 butterflies went wild in my stomach because the way she was looking at me.
397:43 because the way she was looking at me. God, it was just God, all I could ever
397:47 God, it was just God, all I could ever want in the world. But it disappeared in
397:50 want in the world. But it disappeared in an instant because I saw her remember. I
397:52 an instant because I saw her remember. I watched as she recalled my sins. She
397:55 watched as she recalled my sins. She jerked away from me and sat up straight,
397:57 jerked away from me and sat up straight, clearing her throat and sucking her hair
397:59 clearing her throat and sucking her hair behind her ears. Um, all the soft
398:02 behind her ears. Um, all the soft vulnerability left her face, replaced by
398:05 vulnerability left her face, replaced by a raised chin and a hard swallow. I
398:08 a raised chin and a hard swallow. I flexed my fingers, still feeling the
398:10 flexed my fingers, still feeling the tangle of her hair's softness wrapped
398:11 tangle of her hair's softness wrapped around them. And I sat up straighter,
398:13 around them. And I sat up straighter, too. I'm sorry about the whole nightmare
398:16 too. I'm sorry about the whole nightmare freak out. By the way,
398:19 freak out. By the way, u, she said, shaking her head but not
398:22 u, she said, shaking her head but not looking at me. I'm the one who let
398:24 looking at me. I'm the one who let myself in. I'd been so disoriented that
398:28 myself in. I'd been so disoriented that I hadn't even registered the logistics
398:29 I hadn't even registered the logistics of her presence. My eyes swept over her
398:32 of her presence. My eyes swept over her and I only just now realized that she
398:34 and I only just now realized that she was wearing pink flannel pajama pants
398:36 was wearing pink flannel pajama pants like she'd been roused from her bed.
398:39 like she'd been roused from her bed. Yeah. Uh why did you do that? I mean,
398:43 Yeah. Uh why did you do that? I mean, I'm glad you did because you dragged me
398:45 I'm glad you did because you dragged me out of a whopper of a nightmare.
398:47 out of a whopper of a nightmare. But did you need something?
398:49 But did you need something? Well, she said, shrugging like she was
398:52 Well, she said, shrugging like she was embarrassed. I guess I just wanted to
398:55 embarrassed. I guess I just wanted to make sure you weren't succumbing to
398:56 make sure you weren't succumbing to alcohol poisoning since you were
398:59 alcohol poisoning since you were drinking alone. So, she thinks I'm
399:01 drinking alone. So, she thinks I'm pathetic.
399:03 pathetic. Ah, I said, nodding. Pictured me
399:06 Ah, I said, nodding. Pictured me drowning in my own vomit, did you?
399:09 drowning in my own vomit, did you? Exactly, she agreed, also nodding. [ __ ]
399:12 Exactly, she agreed, also nodding. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I am a pathetic drunk loser.
399:16 [ __ ] [ __ ] I am a pathetic drunk loser. Perfect.
399:18 Perfect. Well, thanks for checking on me. I
399:22 Well, thanks for checking on me. I gritted my teeth, mortified that she
399:24 gritted my teeth, mortified that she witnessed my [ __ ] show. It was very
399:27 witnessed my [ __ ] show. It was very thoughtful. "Of course," she said,
399:30 thoughtful. "Of course," she said, climbing to her feet. "Are you going to
399:33 climbing to her feet. "Are you going to be okay now?" "I'm a little disappointed
399:35 be okay now?" "I'm a little disappointed by how sober I've become," I said,
399:38 by how sober I've become," I said, trying hard to sound casual. "But yes."
399:42 trying hard to sound casual. "But yes." "Okay, well then, I'm going to take
399:45 "Okay, well then, I'm going to take off," she said, nodding her head and
399:47 off," she said, nodding her head and keeping her eyes away from mine. I moved
399:50 keeping her eyes away from mine. I moved to Stan to walk her out, but she held up
399:53 to Stan to walk her out, but she held up a hand and said, "No need. I'll see you
399:56 a hand and said, "No need. I'll see you tomorrow." I watched from my spot on the
399:59 tomorrow." I watched from my spot on the floor as she left, taking those stairs
400:01 floor as she left, taking those stairs as quickly as she possibly could, and I
400:04 as quickly as she possibly could, and I felt it in my gut when the front door
400:05 felt it in my gut when the front door slammed behind her. "What the hell?" I
400:08 slammed behind her. "What the hell?" I said, the words echoing off the walls of
400:11 said, the words echoing off the walls of the empty living room. If it wasn't for
400:13 the empty living room. If it wasn't for the faint scent of her perfume and the
400:15 the faint scent of her perfume and the way I could still feel her bottom lip
400:17 way I could still feel her bottom lip between my teeth, I might think it just
400:19 between my teeth, I might think it just been a dream. But hell no, it wasn't a
400:23 been a dream. But hell no, it wasn't a dream. I climbed to my feet and went
400:26 dream. I climbed to my feet and went over to the window, the one with the
400:28 over to the window, the one with the perfect view of the Bucks Bomb house. It
400:30 perfect view of the Bucks Bomb house. It was dark over there, as if everyone was
400:32 was dark over there, as if everyone was sound asleep. But I knew she wasn't. She
400:36 sound asleep. But I knew she wasn't. She was probably towing off her shoes in the
400:37 was probably towing off her shoes in the dark entryway and petting Fitz, second
400:40 dark entryway and petting Fitz, second guessing her impulsive move to check on
400:42 guessing her impulsive move to check on me. I wonder if she's thinking about
400:44 me. I wonder if she's thinking about that almost kiss. She had to be, I
400:47 that almost kiss. She had to be, I thought, because that almost kiss
400:49 thought, because that almost kiss between us felt like so much more than
400:51 between us felt like so much more than so many full-on kisses between other
400:53 so many full-on kisses between other people. I'd barely been awake, but I
400:56 people. I'd barely been awake, but I could have been in a coma and it
400:58 could have been in a coma and it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't need to
400:59 wouldn't have mattered. I didn't need to be conscious to know that Liz's mouth
401:01 be conscious to know that Liz's mouth was underneath mine, a breath away, and
401:04 was underneath mine, a breath away, and her eyes were on my lips, like she'd
401:07 her eyes were on my lips, like she'd wanted me to kiss her. Want. What a
401:10 wanted me to kiss her. Want. What a ridiculous word. Because the want that I
401:13 ridiculous word. Because the want that I felt when she lifted her lips to me like
401:15 felt when she lifted her lips to me like an offering was so much greater than
401:17 an offering was so much greater than four pathetic letters. I mean, people
401:20 four pathetic letters. I mean, people wanted things like coffee and new cars,
401:22 wanted things like coffee and new cars, right? How could the same word be used
401:24 right? How could the same word be used for what I felt when she looked at my
401:26 for what I felt when she looked at my mouth? It couldn't. The English language
401:29 mouth? It couldn't. The English language had yet to create a word that could
401:31 had yet to create a word that could capture my level of frenzied, desperate
401:33 capture my level of frenzied, desperate need. The feel of her full lower lip
401:36 need. The feel of her full lower lip between my teeth was like like holding a
401:38 between my teeth was like like holding a freshly grilled steak up to the mouth of
401:40 freshly grilled steak up to the mouth of a starving man. Okay, shitty analogy,
401:44 a starving man. Okay, shitty analogy, but I swear to God that every one of my
401:46 but I swear to God that every one of my fingers clenched, every muscle in my
401:48 fingers clenched, every muscle in my body trembled, and every instinct in my
401:50 body trembled, and every instinct in my being reared up and wanted to feast.
401:53 being reared up and wanted to feast. God, the way I want everything with her.
401:57 God, the way I want everything with her. Liz's bedroom light flipped on as I
401:59 Liz's bedroom light flipped on as I looked out the window, and I imagined
402:01 looked out the window, and I imagined her climbing into bed and pulling up the
402:03 her climbing into bed and pulling up the covers. Good night, Lib. I sighed,
402:07 covers. Good night, Lib. I sighed, regretting my decision to be a decent
402:09 regretting my decision to be a decent human because I was a starving man when
402:12 human because I was a starving man when it came to her, which made me an idiot
402:15 it came to her, which made me an idiot for not filling up when I had the
402:16 for not filling up when I had the chance, right? I sat there lost in want
402:20 chance, right? I sat there lost in want and regret until I finally saw her room
402:23 and regret until I finally saw her room go dark. Then I drove myself crazy in a
402:26 go dark. Then I drove myself crazy in a multitude of ways. I paced the main
402:29 multitude of ways. I paced the main level of the house, continuing to
402:31 level of the house, continuing to torture myself by replaying the almost
402:33 torture myself by replaying the almost kiss and the way she looked at me in
402:35 kiss and the way she looked at me in that moment. Dear God, the way she
402:38 that moment. Dear God, the way she looked at me. I did push-ups as I
402:41 looked at me. I did push-ups as I revisited my half-sober recollection of
402:42 revisited my half-sober recollection of my freak out over and over again. And
402:46 my freak out over and over again. And then I lay on the kitchen floor as I
402:48 then I lay on the kitchen floor as I tried to figure out what exactly I told
402:50 tried to figure out what exactly I told her about my guilt regarding my father
402:52 her about my guilt regarding my father because the alcohol and exhaustion were
402:54 because the alcohol and exhaustion were really messing with my recall. I was
402:57 really messing with my recall. I was pretty sure I'd only alluded to my
402:59 pretty sure I'd only alluded to my culpability falling short of actually
403:01 culpability falling short of actually confessing the details. Which, thank
403:04 confessing the details. Which, thank God, because if she'd looked at me like
403:06 God, because if she'd looked at me like I was a pathetic loser from my drunk
403:07 I was a pathetic loser from my drunk freak out, I could only imagine how she
403:10 freak out, I could only imagine how she would have looked at me if she
403:11 would have looked at me if she discovered I'd been a monster to my dad
403:13 discovered I'd been a monster to my dad on top of everything else.
403:16 on top of everything else. I wasn't sure how I was going to get her
403:17 I wasn't sure how I was going to get her to forget about the mess I'd been. But
403:19 to forget about the mess I'd been. But I'd find a way just as soon as we were
403:21 I'd find a way just as soon as we were back in LA. I had to because I was going
403:25 back in LA. I had to because I was going to die from this want if I didn't get
403:27 to die from this want if I didn't get her back soon.
403:30 her back soon. I was happy to see the sun come up a few
403:32 I was happy to see the sun come up a few hours later. And after showering and
403:34 hours later. And after showering and packing up all my stuff, so the place
403:36 packing up all my stuff, so the place was ready for the new owners, I texted
403:38 was ready for the new owners, I texted Sarah. What time are you coming over?
403:42 Sarah. What time are you coming over? Sarah, mom and I are on the way. That
403:45 Sarah, mom and I are on the way. That wasn't what I expected. I looked out the
403:48 wasn't what I expected. I looked out the window at the place next door and
403:49 window at the place next door and texted, "She wants to come to the
403:52 texted, "She wants to come to the house." Because even though therapy had
403:54 house." Because even though therapy had helped my mom get okay enough to return
403:56 helped my mom get okay enough to return home for my sister's sake, she'd always
403:58 home for my sister's sake, she'd always hated the house after my dad died.
404:01 hated the house after my dad died. Sarah, she wants to take pictures of the
404:05 Sarah, she wants to take pictures of the house. That made me smile in spite of
404:08 house. That made me smile in spite of everything else because I'd really come
404:10 everything else because I'd really come to appreciate my weird new mom. It was
404:13 to appreciate my weird new mom. It was bizarre how much she changed. She was
404:16 bizarre how much she changed. She was just mom for my first 18 years. The
404:20 just mom for my first 18 years. The woman who made dinner, put band-aids on
404:22 woman who made dinner, put band-aids on my scrapes, and kissed me good night
404:23 my scrapes, and kissed me good night after the sun went down. But when my dad
404:26 after the sun went down. But when my dad died, she disappeared.
404:30 died, she disappeared. She became this unreachable person, a
404:33 She became this unreachable person, a shell of the mother I'd grown up with.
404:35 shell of the mother I'd grown up with. If she wasn't crying, she pretty much
404:37 If she wasn't crying, she pretty much wasn't doing anything at all.
404:40 wasn't doing anything at all. Part of me had hated her at the time,
404:42 Part of me had hated her at the time, even though I felt like a jerk for
404:44 even though I felt like a jerk for thinking that, because her PTSD had
404:46 thinking that, because her PTSD had forced me to take on a role I'd never
404:48 forced me to take on a role I'd never wanted. But now, she was like an
404:51 wanted. But now, she was like an entirely different version of herself.
404:53 entirely different version of herself. She was funny, self-deprecating about
404:56 She was funny, self-deprecating about her issues, and the woman who'd once
404:58 her issues, and the woman who'd once been relatively private was now the most
405:00 been relatively private was now the most open book anyone had ever met. It was
405:02 open book anyone had ever met. It was annoying a lot of the [clears throat]
405:04 annoying a lot of the [clears throat] time to be honest, the way she'd tell
405:06 time to be honest, the way she'd tell anyone anything, but I take it because
405:10 anyone anything, but I take it because she was alive again. Hearing her laugh
405:13 she was alive again. Hearing her laugh again was something I'd never grow tired
405:14 again was something I'd never grow tired of. Although, I was really secondguing
405:17 of. Although, I was really secondguing that sentiment an hour later because as
405:20 that sentiment an hour later because as Lilith, Clark, and Liz did their thing,
405:22 Lilith, Clark, and Liz did their thing, hauling equipment around the house while
405:24 hauling equipment around the house while randomly asking me baseball questions
405:26 randomly asking me baseball questions that didn't involve my dad's death,
405:28 that didn't involve my dad's death, thank God. My mom kept filling them in
405:31 thank God. My mom kept filling them in on information no one needed to know.
405:34 on information no one needed to know. "So, this is where it started, huh?"
405:36 "So, this is where it started, huh?" Clark asked, throwing the baseball to me
405:38 Clark asked, throwing the baseball to me while Lilith filmed. "Wow, Clark, such
405:41 while Lilith filmed. "Wow, Clark, such hard-hitting questions," Sarah quipped
405:44 hard-hitting questions," Sarah quipped from where she was sitting on the
405:45 from where she was sitting on the railing of the deck watching. "Yeah, she
405:49 railing of the deck watching. "Yeah, she is definitely team Wes and being a
405:51 is definitely team Wes and being a little brat," I thought as I squeezed
405:54 little brat," I thought as I squeezed the ball in my glove. Listen, Tiny
405:57 the ball in my glove. Listen, Tiny Bennett. When I want your feedback, I
405:59 Bennett. When I want your feedback, I will ask for it," he said, grinning like
406:01 will ask for it," he said, grinning like he'd been waiting all morning for her to
406:03 he'd been waiting all morning for her to mess with him. We were playing catch in
406:06 mess with him. We were playing catch in the backyard, and it was totally cheesy.
406:08 the backyard, and it was totally cheesy. But I was always more comfortable when
406:10 But I was always more comfortable when the ball was in my hand, so I was okay
406:12 the ball was in my hand, so I was okay with it. I threw him the ball, and as he
406:15 with it. I threw him the ball, and as he caught it, he asked, "Is this where your
406:18 caught it, he asked, "Is this where your dad taught you to throw a baseball?"
406:20 dad taught you to throw a baseball?" "Ah, another one?" Sarah [clears throat]
406:23 "Ah, another one?" Sarah [clears throat] muttered. I guess it is, I replied, very
406:27 muttered. I guess it is, I replied, very aware of Liz as she recorded us with a
406:29 aware of Liz as she recorded us with a smaller camera. We used to spend hours
406:31 smaller camera. We used to spend hours back here when I was in Little League.
406:34 back here when I was in Little League. Did your sister shag balls to help?
406:36 Did your sister shag balls to help? Clark asked, throwing. Or just deliver
406:39 Clark asked, throwing. Or just deliver smartass comments like some kind of
406:41 smartass comments like some kind of stock side character from a Disney show.
406:44 stock side character from a Disney show. Wow, Sarah yelled, laughing. Did you
406:48 Wow, Sarah yelled, laughing. Did you just call me a Disney character? All
406:50 just call me a Disney character? All Zuri, no Jesse, he said. which was a
406:54 Zuri, no Jesse, he said. which was a reference I didn't even get, but
406:56 reference I didn't even get, but apparently my sister did because she
406:58 apparently my sister did because she pointed at him and said, "Zuri was a
407:01 pointed at him and said, "Zuri was a little badass, so thank you." He glanced
407:04 little badass, so thank you." He glanced over at her, shaking his head. "Can you
407:07 over at her, shaking his head. "Can you zip it so I can ask a few questions?"
407:09 zip it so I can ask a few questions?" "I'll zip it," she said. "But I'm not
407:13 "I'll zip it," she said. "But I'm not sure you can actually ask any decent
407:15 sure you can actually ask any decent questions." "Sarah isn't good at quiet,"
407:19 questions." "Sarah isn't good at quiet," my mom said. Her fourth grade teacher
407:22 my mom said. Her fourth grade teacher moved her desk into the hallway because
407:23 moved her desk into the hallway because she wouldn't shut up. So on brand for
407:27 she wouldn't shut up. So on brand for our Missouri, Clark said, grinning. Then
407:30 our Missouri, Clark said, grinning. Then he asked me. So Liz was next door when
407:33 he asked me. So Liz was next door when you were playing catchback here with
407:34 you were playing catchback here with your dad. That's so funny to me. Those
407:38 your dad. That's so funny to me. Those two used to hate each other. My mom said
407:41 two used to hate each other. My mom said sounding happy as she leaned against the
407:43 sounding happy as she leaned against the fence and explained. Liz was this quiet
407:46 fence and explained. Liz was this quiet little thing who was easily ruffled. And
407:49 little thing who was easily ruffled. And Wesy's favorite thing in the world was
407:51 Wesy's favorite thing in the world was to ruffle anyone and everyone. I glanced
407:54 to ruffle anyone and everyone. I glanced at Liz, who met my gaze for a second
407:56 at Liz, who met my gaze for a second before quickly looking down at her
407:58 before quickly looking down at her camera. She'd pretty much pretended I
408:00 camera. She'd pretty much pretended I didn't exist since they showed up on my
408:02 didn't exist since they showed up on my doorstep, keeping her eyes on everything
408:04 doorstep, keeping her eyes on everything but me. Tension hung between us, the
408:08 but me. Tension hung between us, the color of her cheeks telling me she
408:10 color of her cheeks telling me she remembered every little thing that had
408:11 remembered every little thing that had transpired mere hours before. And I
408:14 transpired mere hours before. And I couldn't stop staring at her lips.
408:17 couldn't stop staring at her lips. so close. She used to get so irritated
408:21 so close. She used to get so irritated when Aaron throws interrupted her
408:23 when Aaron throws interrupted her playtime. I said calmly like I wasn't
408:26 playtime. I said calmly like I wasn't totally struggling to focus on
408:27 totally struggling to focus on conversation while being hyper aware of
408:30 conversation while being hyper aware of Liz's every movement. No, I got
408:34 Liz's every movement. No, I got irritated when my obnoxious neighbor
408:35 irritated when my obnoxious neighbor jumped the fence and harassed me. She
408:38 jumped the fence and harassed me. She was filming her attention on the camera,
408:41 was filming her attention on the camera, but her tiny smile was mine when she
408:43 but her tiny smile was mine when she added. "He might seem nice now, but
408:46 added. "He might seem nice now, but Bennett was a menace." "Fucking yes.
408:49 Bennett was a menace." "Fucking yes. Tease me, Bucks bomb." "Okay, so I think
408:52 Tease me, Bucks bomb." "Okay, so I think I've got everything I wanted from the
408:54 I've got everything I wanted from the house," Lilith said to Liz, lowering her
408:57 house," Lilith said to Liz, lowering her camera. "The living room, uh Wes's
409:00 camera. "The living room, uh Wes's bedroom, and the backyard where he
409:02 bedroom, and the backyard where he learned to play catch. Can you think of
409:04 learned to play catch. Can you think of anything else we should get here?" It
409:06 anything else we should get here?" It was obvious Lilith valued Liz's opinion,
409:10 was obvious Lilith valued Liz's opinion, and I could tell by the brightness in
409:11 and I could tell by the brightness in her eyes that it made Liz happy. "Um, I
409:16 her eyes that it made Liz happy. "Um, I think we're good," she said, lowering
409:18 think we're good," she said, lowering the camera. "Excellent."
409:21 the camera. "Excellent." Lilith looked satisfied with that and
409:23 Lilith looked satisfied with that and went back inside with Sarah and my mom
409:25 went back inside with Sarah and my mom following. So, I seized the moment
409:27 following. So, I seized the moment before it was gone. "Can I talk to you
409:30 before it was gone. "Can I talk to you for a quick second, Liz?" I blurted, not
409:33 for a quick second, Liz?" I blurted, not exactly sure what I was going to say to
409:35 exactly sure what I was going to say to be honest, but needing to clear the air.
409:38 be honest, but needing to clear the air. It's about uh someone we went to high
409:41 It's about uh someone we went to high school with. Her eyebrows furrowed
409:43 school with. Her eyebrows furrowed together. Who?
409:46 together. Who? Who?
409:48 Who? Uh I glanced toward Clark, who didn't
409:51 Uh I glanced toward Clark, who didn't seem to be listening, and said, "Dean
409:54 seem to be listening, and said, "Dean Forester."
409:56 Forester." Yeah, that only made those eyebrows
409:58 Yeah, that only made those eyebrows scrumps together even harder. Dean
410:01 scrumps together even harder. Dean Forester.
410:03 Forester. I don't know if Clark heard or not, but
410:05 I don't know if Clark heard or not, but he walked over to the patio and started
410:06 he walked over to the patio and started packing up his equipment, his back to
410:09 packing up his equipment, his back to us. Okay. Uh, it's maybe not about Dean,
410:14 us. Okay. Uh, it's maybe not about Dean, I said, stepping a little closer to her
410:16 I said, stepping a little closer to her and lowering my voice. You don't say,
410:19 and lowering my voice. You don't say, she murmured, giving me a duh look. I
410:23 she murmured, giving me a duh look. I just want to apologize for last night. I
410:26 just want to apologize for last night. I drank too much and was a mess, I said
410:28 drank too much and was a mess, I said quietly, rubbing the spot over my right
410:31 quietly, rubbing the spot over my right eye where a headache was raging. You
410:33 eye where a headache was raging. You were really cool when you didn't have to
410:35 were really cool when you didn't have to be. It's fine. Her eyes traveled all
410:39 be. It's fine. Her eyes traveled all over my face. She swallowed, bit down on
410:43 over my face. She swallowed, bit down on her bottom lip before saying, "I'm glad
410:45 her bottom lip before saying, "I'm glad you weren't alone."
410:47 you weren't alone." My eyes got stuck on her mouth as my
410:50 My eyes got stuck on her mouth as my brain delivered instant replay, bringing
410:52 brain delivered instant replay, bringing back the hot slide of that full lip
410:54 back the hot slide of that full lip between my teeth for review. So close.
410:58 between my teeth for review. So close. That was apparently my dismissal as she
411:01 That was apparently my dismissal as she turned her attention to her camera. God,
411:04 turned her attention to her camera. God, she's so pretty. I knew she had to be
411:07 she's so pretty. I knew she had to be exhausted after taking care of me in the
411:09 exhausted after taking care of me in the middle of the night. But those green
411:10 middle of the night. But those green eyes were clear, her cheeks pink under a
411:13 eyes were clear, her cheeks pink under a few escape tendrils from her ponytail as
411:15 few escape tendrils from her ponytail as she started breaking down her equipment.
411:18 she started breaking down her equipment. She was wearing a fisherman sweater with
411:20 She was wearing a fisherman sweater with a brown skirt. And the thick socks she
411:22 a brown skirt. And the thick socks she wore with her docks did amazing things
411:24 wore with her docks did amazing things for her legs. Holy crap, those legs,
411:29 for her legs. Holy crap, those legs, dude. Huh? I looked at Clark and he was
411:32 dude. Huh? I looked at Clark and he was watching me watch Liz.
411:35 watching me watch Liz. [ __ ] I could tell by the expression on
411:38 [ __ ] I could tell by the expression on his face that he'd seen it, that he knew
411:40 his face that he'd seen it, that he knew I was learing at his girlfriend. He
411:43 I was learing at his girlfriend. He didn't look mad, though. His eyes were a
411:46 didn't look mad, though. His eyes were a little narrowed, like he was processing,
411:49 little narrowed, like he was processing, but he seemed relaxed when he said,
411:51 but he seemed relaxed when he said, "Thanks again for being cool about us
411:54 "Thanks again for being cool about us being here." "I am such an asshole."
411:57 being here." "I am such an asshole." "Yeah," I said, focusing on not
412:00 "Yeah," I said, focusing on not following Liz with my eyes. "Of course.
412:04 following Liz with my eyes. "Of course. So, we're going to let you go to the
412:06 So, we're going to let you go to the closing, and you're still cool with
412:07 closing, and you're still cool with meeting at Emerson Field in a couple
412:09 meeting at Emerson Field in a couple hours? For sure, I said, feeling guilty
412:13 hours? For sure, I said, feeling guilty for thinking about his girlfriend 23.95
412:16 for thinking about his girlfriend 23.95 hours a day. Great, he said, his face
412:20 hours a day. Great, he said, his face being swallowed by his huge grin.
412:22 being swallowed by his huge grin. Thanks, man. Everyone left then. My mom
412:26 Thanks, man. Everyone left then. My mom and Sarah were meeting me at the bank,
412:28 and Sarah were meeting me at the bank, and the second I shut the door behind
412:30 and the second I shut the door behind them, the finality of everything reared
412:32 them, the finality of everything reared its ugly head. I wandered through the
412:35 its ugly head. I wandered through the rooms of the house, my footsteps loud on
412:37 rooms of the house, my footsteps loud on hollow laminate flooring as a million
412:40 hollow laminate flooring as a million memories from my childhood flooded my
412:42 memories from my childhood flooded my brain. It was a strange mashup, the
412:45 brain. It was a strange mashup, the combination of childhood nostalgia and
412:47 combination of childhood nostalgia and traumatic grief. I could close my eyes
412:50 traumatic grief. I could close my eyes and smell my mom's spaghetti sauce, the
412:53 and smell my mom's spaghetti sauce, the one that used to cook for 6 hours on the
412:55 one that used to cook for 6 hours on the Sunday stove. But I could also look at
412:58 Sunday stove. But I could also look at that same stove and remember the night I
413:00 that same stove and remember the night I set off the smoke alarms, attempting to
413:02 set off the smoke alarms, attempting to make pork chops for Sarah a few days
413:04 make pork chops for Sarah a few days after coming home for the funeral. I
413:07 after coming home for the funeral. I straightened and grabbed my backpack
413:08 straightened and grabbed my backpack from the counter. There was no reason
413:11 from the counter. There was no reason for me to stay any longer. Sarah was
413:14 for me to stay any longer. Sarah was right. The bad memories were too bad and
413:17 right. The bad memories were too bad and only managed to stay in what remained of
413:19 only managed to stay in what remained of the good. I needed to drive away from
413:21 the good. I needed to drive away from Teal Street and never look back. But as
413:24 Teal Street and never look back. But as I unlocked the rental car, I did. I
413:28 I unlocked the rental car, I did. I looked back at the house one final time.
413:30 looked back at the house one final time. Only this time, I remembered the note
413:33 Only this time, I remembered the note Liz left on the porch for me after prom.
413:36 Liz left on the porch for me after prom. I could still picture it after all these
413:39 I could still picture it after all these days. And I could still feel the hope
413:41 days. And I could still feel the hope that had settled into my body when I
413:43 that had settled into my body when I realized she'd been waiting for me in
413:45 realized she'd been waiting for me in the secret area, that she'd made that CD
413:48 the secret area, that she'd made that CD for me.
413:50 for me. Thank God that memory isn't stained, I
413:53 Thank God that memory isn't stained, I thought. And then I got in the car and
413:55 thought. And then I got in the car and drove away from my childhood.
413:58 drove away from my childhood. But not before taking a moment to pull
414:00 But not before taking a moment to pull into the spot one final time.
414:11 Chapter 28. I would have stayed for 2,000. I would
414:13 I would have stayed for 2,000. I would have paid for Pretty Woman.
414:18 have paid for Pretty Woman. Liz.
414:24 Okay, here's the plan. Sarah put her hands on her hips as we exited Emerson
414:27 hands on her hips as we exited Emerson Field and announced Clark is going to
414:29 Field and announced Clark is going to ride with me and Mom. Wes is going to
414:31 ride with me and Mom. Wes is going to ride with Michael and Liz is going to
414:33 ride with Michael and Liz is going to take Lilith and the equipment back to
414:35 take Lilith and the equipment back to the hotel and then meet us at Nicholas.
414:38 the hotel and then meet us at Nicholas. Michael had shown up at Emerson while we
414:40 Michael had shown up at Emerson while we filmed, which thrilled Lilith because it
414:42 filmed, which thrilled Lilith because it gave her more interview content to play
414:44 gave her more interview content to play with as he and Wes reminisced. And by
414:47 with as he and Wes reminisced. And by the time we were done, Michael had
414:48 the time we were done, Michael had organized an impromptu dinner meet up
414:50 organized an impromptu dinner meet up with some of Wes's friends, the ones
414:52 with some of Wes's friends, the ones who'd stayed local for college.
414:55 who'd stayed local for college. I was over the moon excited to see
414:58 I was over the moon excited to see everyone because it had been way too
415:00 everyone because it had been way too long.
415:02 long. So freaking bossy, Clark said, looking
415:06 So freaking bossy, Clark said, looking at Wes's sister like he'd never met
415:08 at Wes's sister like he'd never met anyone like her, which was fair for
415:11 anyone like her, which was fair for sure.
415:13 sure. So freaking boss, you mean? she said,
415:17 So freaking boss, you mean? she said, then laughed when he groaned at how lame
415:20 then laughed when he groaned at how lame it was. "Go dump your gear in the van
415:22 it was. "Go dump your gear in the van before we leave without you." "Oh, we
415:25 before we leave without you." "Oh, we won't leave," Wes's mom said. "She's
415:28 won't leave," Wes's mom said. "She's just being a snot."
415:30 just being a snot." "She's good at that, isn't she? She was
415:34 "She's good at that, isn't she? She was born that way." "Why are you assigning
415:37 born that way." "Why are you assigning carpools exactly?" Wes said, but I
415:41 carpools exactly?" Wes said, but I didn't look at him because I couldn't.
415:44 didn't look at him because I couldn't. Meeting his eyes was beyond difficult
415:47 Meeting his eyes was beyond difficult after last night. I can still feel him
415:50 after last night. I can still feel him kissing away my tears.
415:53 kissing away my tears. I'd lost my mind, swept up in the moment
415:56 I'd lost my mind, swept up in the moment of trying to help an old friend. And I'd
415:58 of trying to help an old friend. And I'd almost kissed him. It was fine because
416:02 almost kissed him. It was fine because it was simply the product of exhaustion
416:04 it was simply the product of exhaustion and emotion. But I didn't want to look
416:06 and emotion. But I didn't want to look in his eyes and see that he thought it
416:09 in his eyes and see that he thought it was more. that he'd seen how much I'd
416:13 was more. that he'd seen how much I'd wanted in that vulnerable moment for him
416:16 wanted in that vulnerable moment for him to kiss me.
416:18 to kiss me. "Because she's clearly a leader," Lilith
416:21 "Because she's clearly a leader," Lilith said, smiling as she looked down at her
416:24 said, smiling as she looked down at her phone. "She's clearly something," Clark
416:28 phone. "She's clearly something," Clark replied. "But I'm too hungry to debate.
416:31 replied. "But I'm too hungry to debate. Let's go."
416:33 Let's go." Clark, Lilith, and I were walking across
416:35 Clark, Lilith, and I were walking across the parking lot, and the second Lilith
416:37 the parking lot, and the second Lilith answered a call, Clark said to me, "He's
416:40 answered a call, Clark said to me, "He's not over you." "What?"
416:44 not over you." "What?" My head whipped around to gawk at him.
416:47 My head whipped around to gawk at him. And then I glanced to see if Lilith was
416:49 And then I glanced to see if Lilith was listening. She wasn't, thank God.
416:52 listening. She wasn't, thank God. "Who?" I asked, even though I knew damn
416:56 "Who?" I asked, even though I knew damn well what he was saying. "You know damn
416:59 well what he was saying. "You know damn well who," he said quietly.
417:02 well who," he said quietly. his gaze spearing me with total
417:04 his gaze spearing me with total accusation as we approached the minivan.
417:08 accusation as we approached the minivan. I know what you told me, but it's
417:10 I know what you told me, but it's obvious there's unresolved stuff between
417:12 obvious there's unresolved stuff between you two. The dude looks at you like he
417:15 you two. The dude looks at you like he knows he's going blind in an hour and
417:17 knows he's going blind in an hour and he's trying to memorize every detail of
417:18 he's trying to memorize every detail of your face.
417:20 your face. My stomach flipped and I remembered the
417:23 My stomach flipped and I remembered the way he'd looked at me on the floor of
417:24 way he'd looked at me on the floor of his living room.
417:26 his living room. No, I wasn't going to revisit it. It was
417:30 No, I wasn't going to revisit it. It was all about grief and had nothing to do
417:32 all about grief and had nothing to do with other emotions.
417:34 with other emotions. Nothing.
417:36 Nothing. I calmly said, "He does not. He does,
417:42 I calmly said, "He does not. He does, and it makes me feel like trash."
417:45 and it makes me feel like trash." I darted a glance at Lilith, who was
417:47 I darted a glance at Lilith, who was nodding her head and looking in the
417:49 nodding her head and looking in the other direction as she listened to the
417:50 other direction as she listened to the caller.
417:52 caller. "There are thick undertones when you two
417:54 "There are thick undertones when you two are together," he insisted, looking a
417:57 are together," he insisted, looking a little mad at me.
417:59 little mad at me. His barely visible blonde eyebrows were
418:01 His barely visible blonde eyebrows were furrowed when he said, "And I don't like
418:04 furrowed when he said, "And I don't like the way our dating line makes me feel."
418:06 the way our dating line makes me feel." "How does it make you feel?" I asked,
418:10 "How does it make you feel?" I asked, hitting the button on the remote that
418:12 hitting the button on the remote that opened the back of the minivan.
418:14 opened the back of the minivan. He glanced over his shoulder like he was
418:17 He glanced over his shoulder like he was making sure no one else was close enough
418:19 making sure no one else was close enough to hear. "Like I'm hurting Bennett," he
418:23 to hear. "Like I'm hurting Bennett," he said. Then he pointed at me and said,
418:26 said. Then he pointed at me and said, "And don't be flip about how sentimental
418:28 "And don't be flip about how sentimental I am. I think he's into you, which means
418:31 I am. I think he's into you, which means our lie is probably causing him pain."
418:34 our lie is probably causing him pain." "But we haven't even faked dated very
418:36 "But we haven't even faked dated very much." "Not really," I said defensively,
418:41 much." "Not really," I said defensively, because it was totally true. "I doubt he
418:44 because it was totally true. "I doubt he even remembers I said that." "Oh, he
418:47 even remembers I said that." "Oh, he remembers," he insisted. And it appeared
418:50 remembers," he insisted. And it appeared Lilith was ending her call. Clark looked
418:54 Lilith was ending her call. Clark looked guilt-stricken when he muttered.
418:56 guilt-stricken when he muttered. I can see it in his eyes when he talks
418:58 I can see it in his eyes when he talks to me.
419:00 to me. >> Hey, Gigantor.
419:03 >> Hey, Gigantor. Sarah pulled up with her mom, honking
419:05 Sarah pulled up with her mom, honking the horn. Cut the chatter and get in.
419:08 the horn. Cut the chatter and get in. Look, it's my ride, he said to us, his
419:12 Look, it's my ride, he said to us, his mouth curving into a big smile as he
419:15 mouth curving into a big smile as he dumped his equipment in the back of the
419:16 dumped his equipment in the back of the van. Have a good time in your room, Liil
419:19 van. Have a good time in your room, Liil and Liz. I'll see you at the meatballs.
419:24 and Liz. I'll see you at the meatballs. I was torn between wanting to roll my
419:26 I was torn between wanting to roll my eyes and laugh out loud when he climbed
419:28 eyes and laugh out loud when he climbed into the back of the car and Sarah took
419:30 into the back of the car and Sarah took off. His door was barely closed before
419:33 off. His door was barely closed before she stomped on the gas and he let out a
419:36 she stomped on the gas and he let out a howl. "That's obviously the fun car,"
419:40 howl. "That's obviously the fun car," Lilith said, loading her equipment in
419:43 Lilith said, loading her equipment in the back and closing the door.
419:46 the back and closing the door. "Right."
419:48 "Right." Lilith and I talked about the footage we
419:49 Lilith and I talked about the footage we had grabbed the entire way to her hotel,
419:52 had grabbed the entire way to her hotel, and it was obvious she was excited about
419:54 and it was obvious she was excited about the content. I was, too. Everyone had
419:57 the content. I was, too. Everyone had been incredibly generous. But as excited
420:00 been incredibly generous. But as excited as I was, it felt like a relief to drop
420:03 as I was, it felt like a relief to drop her off and to not think about it
420:06 her off and to not think about it anymore
420:08 anymore because I wanted to focus on seeing old
420:10 because I wanted to focus on seeing old friends and enjoying my last night at
420:12 friends and enjoying my last night at home before going back.
420:14 home before going back. Wes would be there, too, but I wasn't
420:17 Wes would be there, too, but I wasn't going to let the night be about him.
420:20 going to let the night be about him. After I dropped her off, I parked at a
420:22 After I dropped her off, I parked at a meter spot in the old market and walked
420:24 meter spot in the old market and walked to the Italian restaurant. I heard
420:26 to the Italian restaurant. I heard Noah's loud voice before I even got to
420:29 Noah's loud voice before I even got to the corner. He was yelling something
420:31 the corner. He was yelling something about Louisville football. Of course, it
420:34 about Louisville football. Of course, it was impossible not to smile as I
420:37 was impossible not to smile as I strolled down Jackson Street. The crisp
420:39 strolled down Jackson Street. The crisp autumn evening providing the perfect
420:41 autumn evening providing the perfect backdrop for a long overdue reunion.
420:44 backdrop for a long overdue reunion. Nicholas had an amazing outdoor dining
420:47 Nicholas had an amazing outdoor dining area with strings of lights illuminating
420:49 area with strings of lights illuminating the corner patio. And when I got close
420:52 the corner patio. And when I got close to 13th Street, there they were.
420:55 to 13th Street, there they were. Gathered around the biggest table out
420:57 Gathered around the biggest table out there were my old friends. And it was
421:00 there were my old friends. And it was like a snapshot of the before. My brain
421:04 like a snapshot of the before. My brain grabbed the chorus of old days and
421:06 grabbed the chorus of old days and wrapped it around the moment.
421:08 wrapped it around the moment. Wes was leaning back in his chair,
421:11 Wes was leaning back in his chair, laughing with Noah about something Gigi,
421:13 laughing with Noah about something Gigi, the restaurant owner's daughter, was
421:14 the restaurant owner's daughter, was saying to them, and I was happy to see
421:17 saying to them, and I was happy to see they were still close. Noah was the
421:20 they were still close. Noah was the biggest smartass I'd ever met, the kind
421:22 biggest smartass I'd ever met, the kind of person who would debate virtually
421:24 of person who would debate virtually anything until he was proclaimed the
421:26 anything until he was proclaimed the winner. And I'd missed his sarcastic
421:30 winner. And I'd missed his sarcastic grin.
421:31 grin. No matter how I felt about Wes, I was
421:35 No matter how I felt about Wes, I was glad he still had Noah in his corner.
421:38 glad he still had Noah in his corner. Michael, my former crush, was holding
421:41 Michael, my former crush, was holding out his phone while Jos, my high school
421:43 out his phone while Jos, my high school bestie, stood behind him and watched
421:46 bestie, stood behind him and watched over his shoulder. And Wes's cousin
421:48 over his shoulder. And Wes's cousin Charlie was drawing something on a
421:50 Charlie was drawing something on a napkin that was making his girlfriend
421:52 napkin that was making his girlfriend Bailey fullon belly laugh.
421:55 Bailey fullon belly laugh. I miss the us from the old days.
421:59 I miss the us from the old days. Lizard.
422:00 Lizard. Clark was sitting at a smaller table
422:02 Clark was sitting at a smaller table with Sarah, and he raised his hand so
422:05 with Sarah, and he raised his hand so I'd see him. His booming voice made
422:07 I'd see him. His booming voice made everyone look in my direction.
422:10 everyone look in my direction. Holy [ __ ] you finally came home.
422:15 Holy [ __ ] you finally came home. Joss yelled when she saw me, then ran
422:18 Joss yelled when she saw me, then ran over and threw her arms around me. I was
422:21 over and threw her arms around me. I was overwhelmed by how much I'd missed my
422:23 overwhelmed by how much I'd missed my friend, and we were both a little
422:25 friend, and we were both a little tearary when we finally pulled apart.
422:28 tearary when we finally pulled apart. She wiped her eyes and said, "I hate LA
422:31 She wiped her eyes and said, "I hate LA for stealing you from us. Come sit by
422:34 for stealing you from us. Come sit by me." I followed her to the table. "But
422:38 me." I followed her to the table. "But now you have more time to devote to
422:40 now you have more time to devote to Noah." "Yeah, thanks for that, Boxbomb,"
422:44 Noah." "Yeah, thanks for that, Boxbomb," he muttered. But his eyes were all over,
422:47 he muttered. But his eyes were all over, Joss. They were one of those couples
422:49 Joss. They were one of those couples whose love language was sarcastic
422:51 whose love language was sarcastic roasting. I swear to God.
422:54 roasting. I swear to God. "Why are you over there?" I said to
422:57 "Why are you over there?" I said to Sarah and Clark, even though they were
423:00 Sarah and Clark, even though they were so close, they were basically within
423:01 so close, they were basically within touching range. because I didn't want to
423:04 touching range. because I didn't want to sit with my brother's stupid friends, so
423:06 sit with my brother's stupid friends, so I borrowed your boy toy for company."
423:10 I borrowed your boy toy for company." Clark was looking at her face as she
423:12 Clark was looking at her face as she spoke, and he looked a little
423:14 spoke, and he looked a little interested.
423:16 interested. Interesting.
423:18 Interesting. Cool.
423:20 Cool. I sat down between Jos and Michael, and
423:22 I sat down between Jos and Michael, and I could feel Wes watching.
423:25 I could feel Wes watching. I didn't look in his direction, but I
423:28 I didn't look in his direction, but I knew.
423:30 knew. This is the best Italian in the city, I
423:32 This is the best Italian in the city, I said to Clark, trying my hardest to act
423:34 said to Clark, trying my hardest to act unaffected when I knew that absurdly
423:38 unaffected when I knew that absurdly longlashed brown eyes were on me. "So,
423:41 longlashed brown eyes were on me. "So, choose your dinner carefully." "I always
423:44 choose your dinner carefully." "I always choose my dinner carefully," he replied,
423:48 choose my dinner carefully," he replied, looking at the menu.
423:50 looking at the menu. I felt awkward for the first 5 minutes
423:52 I felt awkward for the first 5 minutes when I ran through all the what are you
423:55 when I ran through all the what are you up to questions with my former friends,
423:58 up to questions with my former friends, but then it was like we'd never been
424:00 but then it was like we'd never been apart. I mean, it was different being
424:04 apart. I mean, it was different being with them when I wasn't with Wes. I
424:07 with them when I wasn't with Wes. I connected with most of them because of
424:09 connected with most of them because of him. But time and good food had a way of
424:12 him. But time and good food had a way of mellowing everything.
424:14 mellowing everything. Dinner was great. Even though Clark
424:17 Dinner was great. Even though Clark turned on his camera and recorded the
424:19 turned on his camera and recorded the casual hangout, it felt like a
424:21 casual hangout, it felt like a comfortable old cardigan, warm and
424:24 comfortable old cardigan, warm and soothing and something I'd needed for a
424:27 soothing and something I'd needed for a long time.
424:29 long time. Clark asked a few interview questions
424:31 Clark asked a few interview questions while he inhaled porttoello ravioli, but
424:34 while he inhaled porttoello ravioli, but they were so braided into the friendly
424:36 they were so braided into the friendly meal that we barely noticed them. Even
424:38 meal that we barely noticed them. Even when he mentioned Mr. Bennett's passing.
424:41 when he mentioned Mr. Bennett's passing. It felt like old friends recalling their
424:43 It felt like old friends recalling their memories as opposed to a formal
424:46 memories as opposed to a formal interview.
424:47 interview. "Remember how he never got my name
424:49 "Remember how he never got my name right?" Noah said, grinning at Wes as he
424:52 right?" Noah said, grinning at Wes as he shoved a meatball into his mouth. "The
424:55 shoved a meatball into his mouth. "The man called me Isaac for half my life."
424:58 man called me Isaac for half my life." "Well, they were both biblical names,"
425:01 "Well, they were both biblical names," Wes said, laughing. "Almost the same.
425:05 Wes said, laughing. "Almost the same. Can you blame the man?" Yes, Noah loudly
425:09 Can you blame the man?" Yes, Noah loudly insisted. Because we became friends in
425:12 insisted. Because we became friends in the third grade. I'm pretty sure Stu was
425:15 the third grade. I'm pretty sure Stu was just messing with me. Oh, for sure he
425:17 just messing with me. Oh, for sure he was. Wes agreed. Then he added, "He
425:22 was. Wes agreed. Then he added, "He thought you were a smartass little
425:23 thought you were a smartass little shit."
425:25 shit." Which made Jos say he wasn't wrong about
425:28 Which made Jos say he wasn't wrong about that, Isaac.
425:31 that, Isaac. Everything was perfect
425:33 Everything was perfect until the lemon cake, which for the
425:36 until the lemon cake, which for the record was always perfect. But I just
425:39 record was always perfect. But I just shoveled a huge bite of delicious cake
425:41 shoveled a huge bite of delicious cake into my mouth when Clark asked Jos and
425:44 into my mouth when Clark asked Jos and Noah. So, did you guys check on Wes a
425:47 Noah. So, did you guys check on Wes a lot after he quit school since your
425:49 lot after he quit school since your college is so close?
425:52 college is so close? They went to UNL, which was an hour
425:54 They went to UNL, which was an hour away.
425:56 away. I did, Noah said. But Joss was so pissed
426:00 I did, Noah said. But Joss was so pissed at him about New Year's that she
426:02 at him about New Year's that she wouldn't even let me say his name. "Oh
426:05 wouldn't even let me say his name. "Oh god." The cake turned to cement in my
426:08 god." The cake turned to cement in my mouth as I heard them talking like it
426:10 mouth as I heard them talking like it was in slow motion.
426:12 was in slow motion. "It's true," Jaws said, throwing me a
426:15 "It's true," Jaws said, throwing me a wink. "He was dead to me." "Shut up.
426:20 wink. "He was dead to me." "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up," I thought, wanting to
426:23 Shut up. Shut up," I thought, wanting to disappear, wanting everyone to stop
426:25 disappear, wanting everyone to stop talking.
426:27 talking. I felt queasy as panic shot through me
426:30 I felt queasy as panic shot through me as I dreaded every possible word that
426:32 as I dreaded every possible word that was about to be spoken. We were having a
426:35 was about to be spoken. We were having a fabulous time. Why the hell did we have
426:37 fabulous time. Why the hell did we have to go back to this? Why the hell did it
426:40 to go back to this? Why the hell did it always go back to this?
426:42 always go back to this? Wes was on the other side of the table
426:44 Wes was on the other side of the table and my cheeks burned at the thought of
426:46 and my cheeks burned at the thought of looking at him. I reached for my water
426:48 looking at him. I reached for my water because I didn't know what else to do.
426:52 because I didn't know what else to do. What happened on New Year's? Clark
426:55 What happened on New Year's? Clark asked, sounding amused, like he expected
426:59 asked, sounding amused, like he expected a funny story.
427:01 a funny story. Everyone slept late, the end, Sarah
427:04 Everyone slept late, the end, Sarah said. And I did look at her. We
427:08 said. And I did look at her. We exchanged a knowing gaze, H remembering
427:11 exchanged a knowing gaze, H remembering that morning, and I felt a little
427:13 that morning, and I felt a little lightheaded
427:15 lightheaded and queasier.
427:17 and queasier. "Oh, come on," Clark said, his instincts
427:22 "Oh, come on," Clark said, his instincts just as bad as ever. I need to hear this
427:25 just as bad as ever. I need to hear this story.
427:27 story. Nothing happened, Wes said, a warning in
427:30 Nothing happened, Wes said, a warning in his voice. I got drunk and acted like a
427:33 his voice. I got drunk and acted like a jackass.
427:35 jackass. Is that what we're calling cheating now?
427:37 Is that what we're calling cheating now? Jos said, and it was clear that she
427:40 Jos said, and it was clear that she still hadn't forgiven him either.
427:43 still hadn't forgiven him either. That seems like Joss, I interrupted.
427:46 That seems like Joss, I interrupted. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Desperate for
427:49 Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Desperate for a subject change.
427:51 a subject change. Let's not. Let's just pretend he's not
427:54 Let's not. Let's just pretend he's not the reason you stayed away for years. Oh
427:57 the reason you stayed away for years. Oh my god, I bit out, my heart racing as I
428:01 my god, I bit out, my heart racing as I refused to look at Clark or was. I felt
428:05 refused to look at Clark or was. I felt embarrassed and angry all at the same
428:08 embarrassed and angry all at the same time. But I put on a fake smile and
428:11 time. But I put on a fake smile and said, "I think we should really be
428:13 said, "I think we should really be talking about the way Michael checked in
428:15 talking about the way Michael checked in on Wes and kicked his ass into shape."
428:19 on Wes and kicked his ass into shape." What? Michael looked at Wes and said,
428:22 What? Michael looked at Wes and said, "How does she know about that?"
428:25 "How does she know about that?" >> I did look at Wes then, and he was
428:28 >> I did look at Wes then, and he was watching me closely like he was trying
428:30 watching me closely like he was trying to read my mind. His eyes stayed on my
428:34 to read my mind. His eyes stayed on my face as he said to Michael, "I told
428:36 face as he said to Michael, "I told everyone the way you threw baseballs at
428:38 everyone the way you threw baseballs at me and made me vomit on the mound."
428:41 me and made me vomit on the mound." I looked down because the intensity in
428:44 I looked down because the intensity in that direct gaze was too much. "For
428:47 that direct gaze was too much. "For real?" Michael said, cracking up. I
428:51 real?" Michael said, cracking up. I thought it was our [clears throat]
428:52 thought it was our [clears throat] secret.
428:54 secret. The moment kind of passed as Michael
428:56 The moment kind of passed as Michael shared his side of the story, but Wes
428:59 shared his side of the story, but Wes got quiet after that. And so did Clark,
429:03 got quiet after that. And so did Clark, who kept looking at me like he was
429:05 who kept looking at me like he was thinking hard, and he stayed that way,
429:08 thinking hard, and he stayed that way, silently introspective as we closed out
429:11 silently introspective as we closed out our tab and left the restaurant. He
429:14 our tab and left the restaurant. He looked downright pensive when we started
429:16 looked downright pensive when we started walking.
429:18 walking. Where did you park? I asked Joss as we
429:20 Where did you park? I asked Joss as we headed down Jackson Street. At the pay
429:23 headed down Jackson Street. At the pay lot by upstream, she said, "Walk with us
429:27 lot by upstream, she said, "Walk with us and we can get ice cream on the way."
429:29 and we can get ice cream on the way." "Oh," I turned to Clark on my other side
429:32 "Oh," I turned to Clark on my other side and said, "Ted and Wallally is on the
429:35 and said, "Ted and Wallally is on the way." "I'm always down for ice cream,"
429:38 way." "I'm always down for ice cream," he said. But he was still looking at me
429:41 he said. But he was still looking at me in a very weird way, like he was
429:44 in a very weird way, like he was thinking, processing,
429:46 thinking, processing, conspiring.
429:49 conspiring. I didn't know what to make of it because
429:52 I didn't know what to make of it because Clark was usually the easiest person on
429:54 Clark was usually the easiest person on the planet to read, but maybe I was just
429:57 the planet to read, but maybe I was just overthinking because I was exhausted.
430:00 overthinking because I was exhausted. We started walking toward the ice cream
430:01 We started walking toward the ice cream shop as a group, and as everyone talked
430:04 shop as a group, and as everyone talked and laughed, I wished I wasn't leaving
430:08 and laughed, I wished I wasn't leaving so soon.
430:10 so soon. Even after the awkward moment, I wanted
430:12 Even after the awkward moment, I wanted to stay.
430:14 to stay. "Are you coming?" Charlie said to
430:17 "Are you coming?" Charlie said to Bailey, who was walking behind him.
430:20 Bailey, who was walking behind him. "These shoes are uncomfortable,"
430:23 "These shoes are uncomfortable," she whined, pointing to her adorable
430:26 she whined, pointing to her adorable chunky boots that laced all the way up
430:27 chunky boots that laced all the way up the back. "They aren't broken in yet."
430:31 the back. "They aren't broken in yet." "So cute, though," Sarah said. "What
430:35 "So cute, though," Sarah said. "What size are they?" You're not borrowing
430:39 size are they?" You're not borrowing them because you're in California,
430:42 them because you're in California, Bailey said in a way that made it clear
430:45 Bailey said in a way that made it clear Sarah had overborrowed from Bailey in
430:47 Sarah had overborrowed from Bailey in the past. Also, they'll destroy your
430:50 the past. Also, they'll destroy your feet.
430:52 feet. Come on, glasses, Charlie said, stopping
430:56 Come on, glasses, Charlie said, stopping and looking at Bailey over his shoulder.
430:59 and looking at Bailey over his shoulder. You know I'm always willing to volunteer
431:00 You know I'm always willing to volunteer for piggybacking duty. Get on.
431:05 for piggybacking duty. Get on. She smiled and in a second was sprinting
431:08 She smiled and in a second was sprinting and jumping on his back. "You liar," he
431:12 and jumping on his back. "You liar," he said as she wrapped herself around him.
431:15 said as she wrapped herself around him. "If you can run up on me like that, you
431:17 "If you can run up on me like that, you little [ __ ] you can probably walk."
431:19 little [ __ ] you can probably walk." "But why would I walk when I can bury my
431:22 "But why would I walk when I can bury my cold nose in your warm collar?"
431:25 cold nose in your warm collar?" I looked away from them because
431:27 I looked away from them because something about the way they were
431:28 something about the way they were together felt familiar.
431:32 together felt familiar. >> "We need to talk, Liz.
431:34 >> "We need to talk, Liz. Clark said as we approached the ice
431:36 Clark said as we approached the ice cream shop.
431:38 cream shop. "What?"
431:40 "What?" He grabbed my elbow, stopping me,
431:42 He grabbed my elbow, stopping me, pulling me away from Joss and the rest
431:44 pulling me away from Joss and the rest of the group. He gave me a wink before
431:47 of the group. He gave me a wink before he loudly said, "I can't do this
431:50 he loudly said, "I can't do this anymore." "Do what?" I said, having no
431:55 anymore." "Do what?" I said, having no idea what he was talking about. "This,"
431:59 idea what he was talking about. "This," he said, sounding frustrated.
432:03 he said, sounding frustrated. us. It just isn't working.
432:06 us. It just isn't working. Us? I said,
432:09 Us? I said, and then I wondered,
432:11 and then I wondered, is he fake breaking up with me?
432:15 is he fake breaking up with me? Clark, I bit out, looking toward my
432:18 Clark, I bit out, looking toward my friends, who'd stopped by the door and
432:20 friends, who'd stopped by the door and appeared to be watching us. "Can we talk
432:23 appeared to be watching us. "Can we talk about this in the car?" No, he said,
432:27 about this in the car?" No, he said, driving his hands into his hair and
432:29 driving his hands into his hair and dramatically exclaiming, "Because I
432:31 dramatically exclaiming, "Because I can't take another minute of this. I
432:34 can't take another minute of this. I can't, Lizard."
432:35 can't, Lizard." Dear God, he was. But why? Why would he
432:40 Dear God, he was. But why? Why would he be doing this without talking to me
432:42 be doing this without talking to me first and in front of my friends?
432:45 first and in front of my friends? Of um what? I said, unsure if I was
432:50 Of um what? I said, unsure if I was supposed to play along or what I should
432:52 supposed to play along or what I should do. I'd never had a fake boyfriend dump
432:56 do. I'd never had a fake boyfriend dump me before, so this was new territory.
433:00 me before, so this was new territory. A feeling nothing from you, he said,
433:04 A feeling nothing from you, he said, putting his hands over his heart.
433:07 putting his hands over his heart. You looked at your pizza with more
433:09 You looked at your pizza with more emotion than you look at me. "Dude,
433:12 emotion than you look at me. "Dude, chill," I heard Noah say, sounding
433:15 chill," I heard Noah say, sounding annoyed. "Oh my god," Sarah said, and I
433:20 annoyed. "Oh my god," Sarah said, and I could see her covering her face in my
433:22 could see her covering her face in my peripheral vision.
433:23 peripheral vision. And just like that, I was irritated.
433:26 And just like that, I was irritated. Why wouldn't he talk to me first? My
433:29 Why wouldn't he talk to me first? My face was on fire, and I said the only
433:32 face was on fire, and I said the only thing I could think of.
433:35 thing I could think of. I had the penny ragu with meatballs.
433:38 I had the penny ragu with meatballs. Charlie snorted.
433:40 Charlie snorted. When was the last time you felt anything
433:43 When was the last time you felt anything at all, Liz? Clark asked me
433:46 at all, Liz? Clark asked me dramatically, and his eyes were
433:48 dramatically, and his eyes were twinkling.
433:49 twinkling. It was Clark clerking, fully committed,
433:53 It was Clark clerking, fully committed, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or
433:55 and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or throat punch him. I grabbed his tree
433:58 throat punch him. I grabbed his tree trunk arm and tried moving him. "Can we
434:01 trunk arm and tried moving him. "Can we at least go around the corner and
434:03 at least go around the corner and discuss this where we aren't on a busy
434:05 discuss this where we aren't on a busy street?" "No," he said with flourish,
434:09 street?" "No," he said with flourish, throwing my hand from his arm like a
434:11 throwing my hand from his arm like a tantruming toddler. "I'm done." "Whoa,"
434:15 tantruming toddler. "I'm done." "Whoa," Wes said, stepping toward Clark. His
434:19 Wes said, stepping toward Clark. His face was normal, but his voice was tense
434:21 face was normal, but his voice was tense when he said, "No need to manhandle her,
434:24 when he said, "No need to manhandle her, waters." "He's not," I said, watching
434:28 waters." "He's not," I said, watching him watch Clark, wondering what he was
434:31 him watch Clark, wondering what he was thinking while looking so intense.
434:34 thinking while looking so intense. Yeah, I'm not, Clark repeated.
434:37 Yeah, I'm not, Clark repeated. I'm just ending things while we're still
434:39 I'm just ending things while we're still friends.
434:40 friends. Oh, is that what you're doing? I said
434:44 Oh, is that what you're doing? I said dryly.
434:46 dryly. Dude, ever heard of privacy?
434:48 Dude, ever heard of privacy? Charlie muttered.
434:51 Charlie muttered. Joss. Um, will you order me a chocolate
434:53 Joss. Um, will you order me a chocolate malt? I said, needing to end this
434:56 malt? I said, needing to end this spectacle.
434:58 spectacle. We'll be inside in just a sec.
435:01 We'll be inside in just a sec. Yes, I will. She understood and said to
435:04 Yes, I will. She understood and said to the group, "Let's go order, guys."
435:08 the group, "Let's go order, guys." Everyone followed, thank God. And as
435:12 Everyone followed, thank God. And as soon as the door closed behind them, I
435:13 soon as the door closed behind them, I whirled on him. "What the hell, Clark?
435:17 whirled on him. "What the hell, Clark? Why wouldn't you tell me before you took
435:19 Why wouldn't you tell me before you took it upon yourself to fake dump me?" "I'm
435:22 it upon yourself to fake dump me?" "I'm sorry," he said. "But it just happened,
435:25 sorry," he said. "But it just happened, Liz. I was already feeling guilty about
435:28 Liz. I was already feeling guilty about Wes. You know that." And then I rode
435:30 Wes. You know that." And then I rode with his sister and mom to the
435:32 with his sister and mom to the restaurant, and after listening to them,
435:34 restaurant, and after listening to them, I just couldn't do it anymore.
435:38 I just couldn't do it anymore. Well, you could have given me a little
435:40 Well, you could have given me a little warning, Liz. He grabbed my upper arms
435:43 warning, Liz. He grabbed my upper arms and squeezed, looking more intense than
435:46 and squeezed, looking more intense than Clark ever looked. He didn't really do
435:49 Clark ever looked. He didn't really do intensity.
435:51 intensity. There are things you need to know.
435:53 There are things you need to know. Things I am positive you're unaware of
435:58 Things I am positive you're unaware of about Wes? I asked. He obviously thought
436:02 about Wes? I asked. He obviously thought this was important, but I was already on
436:04 this was important, but I was already on Wes overload after last night. I
436:07 Wes overload after last night. I couldn't handle more Wes information.
436:10 couldn't handle more Wes information. Yes, he said. Sarah said, I don't care.
436:15 Yes, he said. Sarah said, I don't care. I interrupted. There is nothing I need
436:18 I interrupted. There is nothing I need to know. He cut me off by putting his
436:20 to know. He cut me off by putting his hand over my mouth and giving me stern
436:22 hand over my mouth and giving me stern dad eyes. Yes, there is.
436:27 dad eyes. Yes, there is. Can you please shut up for 10 seconds so
436:30 Can you please shut up for 10 seconds so I can speak?
436:33 I can speak? I sighed and nodded. Do you trust me? I
436:37 I sighed and nodded. Do you trust me? I nodded again and he dropped his hand and
436:40 nodded again and he dropped his hand and said,
436:42 said, "So, here's the thing. I started
436:44 "So, here's the thing. I started interviewing Sarah and her mom in the
436:46 interviewing Sarah and her mom in the car, but decided to scrap it because the
436:49 car, but decided to scrap it because the mom has verbal diarrhea and overshared a
436:51 mom has verbal diarrhea and overshared a lot that I don't think Bennett would
436:53 lot that I don't think Bennett would want in the dock."
436:55 want in the dock." Okay.
436:57 Okay. I wondered what she'd shared, but I also
437:00 I wondered what she'd shared, but I also knew I was better off not knowing.
437:03 knew I was better off not knowing. But like it was insane stuff. Stuff that
437:07 But like it was insane stuff. Stuff that you need to see. He unlocked his phone
437:10 you need to see. He unlocked his phone and held it out to me. Watch it. It's
437:14 and held it out to me. Watch it. It's only like 4 minutes long.
437:17 only like 4 minutes long. I am dying to, but I can't.
437:20 I am dying to, but I can't. Clark, I don't want I'm going to go
437:22 Clark, I don't want I'm going to go inside and smooth things over so your
437:24 inside and smooth things over so your friends don't kill me, he said, setting
437:27 friends don't kill me, he said, setting his phone in my hands as he spoke over
437:29 his phone in my hands as he spoke over me yet again.
437:31 me yet again. The company line will be that you and I
437:33 The company line will be that you and I have agreed we're better as friends and
437:35 have agreed we're better as friends and all is well. You're on a phone call and
437:37 all is well. You're on a phone call and we'll be in in a couple minutes. Got it.
437:41 we'll be in in a couple minutes. Got it. I looked down at his phone and wondered
437:43 I looked down at his phone and wondered what I was going to see.
437:46 what I was going to see. Okay.
437:48 Okay. The worst that can happen is that
437:51 The worst that can happen is that nothing changes, he said quietly,
437:54 nothing changes, he said quietly, reaching out a big hand to grab my
437:56 reaching out a big hand to grab my shoulder and start pushing me toward the
437:59 shoulder and start pushing me toward the bench on the other side of the building.
438:02 bench on the other side of the building. He gently pushed me to a sit and my
438:05 He gently pushed me to a sit and my hair, but I feel like it's important for
438:08 hair, but I feel like it's important for you to see this.
438:10 you to see this. I watched him walk away. And after he
438:13 I watched him walk away. And after he went inside the ice cream shop, it felt
438:17 went inside the ice cream shop, it felt still outside,
438:19 still outside, like everything in the universe was on
438:21 like everything in the universe was on pause.
438:23 pause. I stared at the phone in my hand and
438:26 I stared at the phone in my hand and didn't know what to do.
438:28 didn't know what to do. The best move would be to not watch it.
438:32 The best move would be to not watch it. Their words were for Clark, not me. So,
438:36 Their words were for Clark, not me. So, I had no business eavesdropping.
438:38 I had no business eavesdropping. I'd be doing the right thing by moving
438:40 I'd be doing the right thing by moving it into the trash file and forgetting
438:42 it into the trash file and forgetting what Clark told me. I mean, what could
438:45 what Clark told me. I mean, what could Wes's mom possibly say that would be
438:48 Wes's mom possibly say that would be that important for me to see? I barely
438:51 that important for me to see? I barely knew the guy anymore, aside from a weak
438:54 knew the guy anymore, aside from a weak moment on a living room floor that my
438:56 moment on a living room floor that my brain would just not let go of. We were
438:59 brain would just not let go of. We were merely acquaintances now.
439:02 merely acquaintances now. So, why am I about to watch it?
439:06 So, why am I about to watch it? My fingers were shaking as I took a deep
439:08 My fingers were shaking as I took a deep breath and started the video.
439:11 breath and started the video. Clark was in the front seat and he was
439:14 Clark was in the front seat and he was filming Wes's mom, who was in the back
439:16 filming Wes's mom, who was in the back seat behind Sarah.
439:19 seat behind Sarah. She was looking directly at the camera
439:21 She was looking directly at the camera as Clark asked her, "What do you think
439:24 as Clark asked her, "What do you think makes Wes's story so special?"
439:27 makes Wes's story so special?" From off camera, Sarah said, "He has a
439:30 From off camera, Sarah said, "He has a sister who's cool as hell."
439:32 sister who's cool as hell." >> Oh, I haven't met her yet.
439:35 >> Oh, I haven't met her yet. Clark said under his breath, but the
439:38 Clark said under his breath, but the camera stayed trained on Wes's mom. She
439:41 camera stayed trained on Wes's mom. She crossed her arms and said, "The fact
439:44 crossed her arms and said, "The fact that he survived everything that was
439:46 that he survived everything that was thrown at him, like literally the fact
439:49 thrown at him, like literally the fact that he's not in a gutter somewhere is a
439:51 that he's not in a gutter somewhere is a triumph, right?"
439:53 triumph, right?" That made me want to smile. Her flare
439:56 That made me want to smile. Her flare for the dramatic.
439:58 for the dramatic. Like, everyone just thinks his dad died,
440:00 Like, everyone just thinks his dad died, so he came home to help out and managed
440:02 so he came home to help out and managed to make it back to baseball. They think
440:05 to make it back to baseball. They think that's the story, but that's not the
440:06 that's the story, but that's not the story, kid.
440:08 story, kid. Ma, Sarah said. Maybe don't.
440:13 Ma, Sarah said. Maybe don't. What is the story in your opinion? Clark
440:16 What is the story in your opinion? Clark asked. She tilted her head and narrowed
440:19 asked. She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes, like she could see it playing
440:22 her eyes, like she could see it playing out.
440:23 out. For starters, he felt like Stu's death
440:26 For starters, he felt like Stu's death was his fault. So, from the get-go, he's
440:29 was his fault. So, from the get-go, he's had to deal with a lot of guilt.
440:31 had to deal with a lot of guilt. I felt my breath catch and my eyes were
440:34 I felt my breath catch and my eyes were fixated on the screen, dying to know
440:37 fixated on the screen, dying to know more because I'd seen firsthand that
440:39 more because I'd seen firsthand that something haunted him. Some kind of
440:42 something haunted him. Some kind of heavy grief was eating away at him.
440:46 heavy grief was eating away at him. Clark sounded shocked when he asked,
440:48 Clark sounded shocked when he asked, "Why would he think that?"
440:51 "Why would he think that?" She gave her head a shake like it was a
440:54 She gave her head a shake like it was a sad story.
440:56 sad story. He called home and they had an argument.
440:59 He called home and they had an argument. Stu was bullheaded and pushy as hell
441:01 Stu was bullheaded and pushy as hell when it came to baseball. So got mad and
441:04 when it came to baseball. So got mad and said a lot of terrible things that he
441:06 said a lot of terrible things that he didn't mean, including telling Stu he
441:09 didn't mean, including telling Stu he didn't want him at his exhibition game,
441:12 didn't want him at his exhibition game, which we were already packed and ready
441:14 which we were already packed and ready to drive across the country for.
441:17 to drive across the country for. I watched frozen, dreading the rest,
441:21 I watched frozen, dreading the rest, because his dad died before the
441:23 because his dad died before the exhibition game.
441:26 exhibition game. So Stu hung up on him, sat down to watch
441:29 So Stu hung up on him, sat down to watch a ball game, and had a heart attack an
441:31 a ball game, and had a heart attack an hour later.
441:33 hour later. Oh my god.
441:35 Oh my god. My hand covered my mouth, and I
441:38 My hand covered my mouth, and I swallowed, blinking back tears as I
441:41 swallowed, blinking back tears as I tried to imagine how anyone would handle
441:43 tried to imagine how anyone would handle the guilt of that. "Oh, God," Clark
441:47 the guilt of that. "Oh, God," Clark said. "He thinks he killed his dad."
441:51 said. "He thinks he killed his dad." Yes, sir," she said, shaking her head
441:55 Yes, sir," she said, shaking her head with tears in her eyes.
441:57 with tears in her eyes. And when he came home for the funeral, I
442:00 And when he came home for the funeral, I was dealing with my own PTSD,
442:03 was dealing with my own PTSD, though I didn't know it at the time.
442:06 though I didn't know it at the time. I'd completely checked out, but instead
442:09 I'd completely checked out, but instead of going back to school, Wesie got two
442:11 of going back to school, Wesie got two full-time jobs because I couldn't work.
442:15 full-time jobs because I couldn't work. He paid the mortgage and the rest of the
442:17 He paid the mortgage and the rest of the bills every month while also making sure
442:20 bills every month while also making sure Sarah got to school every day and had
442:22 Sarah got to school every day and had what she needed.
442:25 what she needed. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I stood and
442:28 Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I stood and wiped at my cheeks, staring at the phone
442:31 wiped at my cheeks, staring at the phone in the darkness.
442:33 in the darkness. I started pacing around the Ted and
442:34 I started pacing around the Ted and Wallally's parking lot as I realized
442:37 Wallally's parking lot as I realized Mrs. Bennett hadn't been melodramatic at
442:39 Mrs. Bennett hadn't been melodramatic at all.
442:41 all. It was a triumph that he had survived
442:43 It was a triumph that he had survived those hits.
442:45 those hits. "Enough, Mom," Sarah said, sounding
442:48 "Enough, Mom," Sarah said, sounding angry.
442:50 angry. "Dear God, how can this be true? How did
442:54 "Dear God, how can this be true? How did I not know?
442:56 I not know? Why didn't he tell me?"
442:59 Why didn't he tell me?" Wes was the one who insisted I see a
443:01 Wes was the one who insisted I see a therapist.
443:03 therapist. So, he saved my life by being stubborn,"
443:06 So, he saved my life by being stubborn," she said, coughing out a laugh while
443:09 she said, coughing out a laugh while wiping her eyes.
443:11 wiping her eyes. Like, what kind of a teenager does all
443:13 Like, what kind of a teenager does all of that? He gave up everything he'd ever
443:16 of that? He gave up everything he'd ever dreamed of. School, baseball, dating
443:21 dreamed of. School, baseball, dating to take care of us.
443:23 to take care of us. Don't use this. Okay, Clark.
443:26 Don't use this. Okay, Clark. Clark swung the camera over to Sarah and
443:29 Clark swung the camera over to Sarah and she looked upset.
443:31 she looked upset. Her brown eyes, so much like Wes's, were
443:34 Her brown eyes, so much like Wes's, were bright with unshed tears. And she shook
443:37 bright with unshed tears. And she shook her head.
443:39 her head. I think it would kill him for people to
443:40 I think it would kill him for people to hear this.
443:42 hear this. I won't, I heard Clark say. I'll delete
443:46 I won't, I heard Clark say. I'll delete it all. But why wouldn't he want people
443:49 it all. But why wouldn't he want people to know how selfless he was?
443:52 to know how selfless he was? She shrugged.
443:54 She shrugged. If he thinks he's the one who caused it
443:56 If he thinks he's the one who caused it all, it probably doesn't feel like
443:59 all, it probably doesn't feel like selflessness, does it?
444:01 selflessness, does it? you okay? He asked Sarah and then the
444:06 you okay? He asked Sarah and then the video ended.
444:08 video ended. I stood there staring down at the phone,
444:12 I stood there staring down at the phone, its silent screen jarring after what I
444:15 its silent screen jarring after what I just watched.
444:17 just watched. I looked around at the dark downtown
444:19 I looked around at the dark downtown night,
444:21 night, and it felt like everything had changed.
444:25 and it felt like everything had changed. People were still walking around, smells
444:28 People were still walking around, smells of delicious food swirling in the air.
444:31 of delicious food swirling in the air. But it had become a different place.
444:34 But it had become a different place. It was now the setting of a
444:36 It was now the setting of a heartbreaking plot twist.
444:39 heartbreaking plot twist. How was it possible?
444:41 How was it possible? My mind was racing through memories,
444:44 My mind was racing through memories, comparing what I had with what I now
444:46 comparing what I had with what I now knew. The silly, light-hearted Wes who'd
444:49 knew. The silly, light-hearted Wes who'd facetimed me every night back then had
444:52 facetimed me every night back then had been going through that. And it was
444:55 been going through that. And it was tough to decide what the worst part of
444:57 tough to decide what the worst part of the story was. Was it Wes thinking he
445:00 the story was. Was it Wes thinking he was responsible for his dad's death,
445:02 was responsible for his dad's death, that his harsh words had literally
445:05 that his harsh words had literally killed his father? Or Wes having the
445:08 killed his father? Or Wes having the weight of the world resting on his
445:10 weight of the world resting on his 18-year-old shoulders?
445:13 18-year-old shoulders? Liz. I gasped and turned around in time
445:16 Liz. I gasped and turned around in time to see the door to the ice cream shop
445:18 to see the door to the ice cream shop closing behind Wes. He zipped his jacket
445:21 closing behind Wes. He zipped his jacket and walked toward me. I wiped up my
445:24 and walked toward me. I wiped up my cheeks, but it was no use as I saw him
445:28 cheeks, but it was no use as I saw him watching me like he could see the
445:30 watching me like he could see the mascara tracks.
445:32 mascara tracks. "Are you okay?" he asked, his eyebrows
445:37 "Are you okay?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed together.
445:39 furrowed together. Clark was an [ __ ] too. "Why didn't
445:40 Clark was an [ __ ] too. "Why didn't you tell me, Wes?"
445:42 you tell me, Wes?" I heard myself ask, my voice cracking.
445:47 I heard myself ask, my voice cracking. What? He narrowed his eyes. "Tell you
445:51 What? He narrowed his eyes. "Tell you what?
445:53 what? Why didn't you tell me about everything
445:56 Why didn't you tell me about everything you were dealing with after your dad
445:57 you were dealing with after your dad died?" I asked, abandoning any hope of
446:01 died?" I asked, abandoning any hope of keeping it together. I couldn't hold
446:04 keeping it together. I couldn't hold back the tears as I imagined the way he
446:06 back the tears as I imagined the way he must have felt. And I wanted so badly to
446:09 must have felt. And I wanted so badly to be able to go back in time and know the
446:11 be able to go back in time and know the truth. so I could help him.
446:14 truth. so I could help him. Why didn't you let me help you?"
446:17 Why didn't you let me help you?" His mouth opened like he was going to
446:19 His mouth opened like he was going to speak, but he didn't.
446:23 speak, but he didn't. He closed his mouth and squinted like he
446:26 He closed his mouth and squinted like he was trying to figure out what he was
446:27 was trying to figure out what he was supposed to say.
446:30 supposed to say. "We talked every day, Wes," I said,
446:34 "We talked every day, Wes," I said, grieving for him two years too late.
446:37 grieving for him two years too late. My voice was thick when I said, "And you
446:40 My voice was thick when I said, "And you never said a word about any of it. You
446:44 never said a word about any of it. You told me you were working a lot to save
446:46 told me you were working a lot to save money for school. Were you seriously
446:48 money for school. Were you seriously working two jobs to pay all of your
446:51 working two jobs to pay all of your family's bills?"
446:53 family's bills?" "Someone had to do it." "It wasn't a big
446:56 "Someone had to do it." "It wasn't a big deal," he said, looking uncomfortable.
447:00 deal," he said, looking uncomfortable. "It wasn't a big deal?" I asked, my
447:04 "It wasn't a big deal?" I asked, my voice a high-pitched squeal. God, why
447:07 voice a high-pitched squeal. God, why wouldn't you say something? I could have
447:09 wouldn't you say something? I could have helped you.
447:11 helped you. How? He asked, shrugging like he was
447:15 How? He asked, shrugging like he was embarrassed.
447:17 embarrassed. How could you have helped? You were a
447:20 How could you have helped? You were a teenager away at college. What could you
447:22 teenager away at college. What could you have done? I could have been there for
447:25 have done? I could have been there for you, I said, hiccoping out a sob that
447:29 you, I said, hiccoping out a sob that should have embarrassed me, but I was
447:30 should have embarrassed me, but I was too emotional to care.
447:33 too emotional to care. I could have supported you while you
447:34 I could have supported you while you dealt with all of it. God, was I so
447:38 dealt with all of it. God, was I so self-centered, you couldn't tell me?
447:42 self-centered, you couldn't tell me? I said it more to myself than to him,
447:43 I said it more to myself than to him, honestly.
447:45 honestly. Was I so tied up in what I was doing at
447:48 Was I so tied up in what I was doing at school that you felt like you couldn't
447:51 school that you felt like you couldn't say anything?
447:53 say anything? No, he insisted, stubbing a little
447:57 No, he insisted, stubbing a little closer to me, shaking his head.
448:01 closer to me, shaking his head. That wasn't it at all. I was dealing
448:04 That wasn't it at all. I was dealing with so much [ __ ] spiraling and hating
448:07 with so much [ __ ] spiraling and hating who I was every [ __ ] day. And I
448:10 who I was every [ __ ] day. And I didn't want to take you down with me.
448:13 didn't want to take you down with me. But you wouldn't have, I said, shaking
448:18 But you wouldn't have, I said, shaking my head as grief shook me. Grief for the
448:22 my head as grief shook me. Grief for the boy he'd been and the people we'd been
448:25 boy he'd been and the people we'd been together.
448:27 together. You said it yourself that I was away at
448:30 You said it yourself that I was away at college. You couldn't have taken me
448:32 college. You couldn't have taken me down. It was already happening, Liz. He
448:36 down. It was already happening, Liz. He snapped.
448:38 snapped. What? No, it wasn't. I argued, irritated
448:43 What? No, it wasn't. I argued, irritated by whatever case he was trying to make
448:46 by whatever case he was trying to make because there was no reason he couldn't
448:47 because there was no reason he couldn't have told me. Maybe it was a guilty
448:50 have told me. Maybe it was a guilty conscience, but I felt defensive for
448:52 conscience, but I felt defensive for some reason.
448:54 some reason. Oh, really?
448:56 Oh, really? He raised his eyebrows and said,
448:58 He raised his eyebrows and said, "Remember Jack Antonoff."
449:01 "Remember Jack Antonoff." "What?"
449:02 "What?" I looked up at him like he was crazy
449:04 I looked up at him like he was crazy because what the hell did that mean?
449:07 because what the hell did that mean? "You were invited to an industry event
449:09 "You were invited to an industry event at Antino's house," he said, looking
449:13 at Antino's house," he said, looking angry now. "Do you remember that?"
449:17 angry now. "Do you remember that?" "Yeah, sort of.
449:20 "Yeah, sort of. I did remember that I was invited, but I
449:23 I did remember that I was invited, but I couldn't remember why I hadn't gone.
449:26 couldn't remember why I hadn't gone. Why wouldn't I have gone?
449:29 Why wouldn't I have gone? You and your roommate Bushra were
449:31 You and your roommate Bushra were invited.
449:32 invited. She went, but you stayed home because
449:35 She went, but you stayed home because you said you'd rather talk to me.
449:39 you said you'd rather talk to me. Okay, I said unsure of the point he was
449:43 Okay, I said unsure of the point he was making. I was also surprised I would
449:46 making. I was also surprised I would have done that to be honest.
449:48 have done that to be honest. He looked pissed that I didn't remember.
449:51 He looked pissed that I didn't remember. His voice was a little louder when he
449:53 His voice was a little louder when he said, "You had this incredible
449:56 said, "You had this incredible opportunity to do something that could
449:57 opportunity to do something that could help your career, but you chose to stay
450:00 help your career, but you chose to stay home and talk to your grocery stocking
450:02 home and talk to your grocery stocking boyfriend in [ __ ] Nebraska on the
450:04 boyfriend in [ __ ] Nebraska on the phone instead."
450:07 phone instead." "So I said, unsure why we were kind of
450:11 "So I said, unsure why we were kind of yelling at each other now." "Unsure,
450:15 yelling at each other now." "Unsure, yet it was right. I was full of rage and
450:19 yet it was right. I was full of rage and sadness and angst about everything that
450:21 sadness and angst about everything that had ever happened with us. And it was
450:23 had ever happened with us. And it was boiling over as he spoke like freshman
450:26 boiling over as he spoke like freshman Liz had been a lovesick idiot.
450:29 Liz had been a lovesick idiot. So I was already taking you down, don't
450:32 So I was already taking you down, don't you see?
450:34 you see? His voice was loud with frustration when
450:36 His voice was loud with frustration when he said, "God, Liz, you blew off Jack
450:40 he said, "God, Liz, you blew off Jack [ __ ] Antinoff from me." "Oh, come on,
450:44 [ __ ] Antinoff from me." "Oh, come on, Wes. Seriously, he said, cutting me off.
450:48 Wes. Seriously, he said, cutting me off. His dark eyes were flashing when he
450:50 His dark eyes were flashing when he added, "Who does that? Who has the
450:54 added, "Who does that? Who has the chance to meet their idol, but chooses
450:56 chance to meet their idol, but chooses to take a nothing phone call instead?"
451:00 to take a nothing phone call instead?" "Are you mad at me for not going to Jack
451:03 "Are you mad at me for not going to Jack Antonov's party?" I asked, confused by
451:07 Antonov's party?" I asked, confused by why this recollection from back then
451:09 why this recollection from back then seemed to anger him. Yes.
451:13 seemed to anger him. Yes. I looked up at raging Wes and had no
451:16 I looked up at raging Wes and had no idea what to say.
451:18 idea what to say. Don't you see?
451:21 Don't you see? That was why? He bit out in frustration,
451:25 That was why? He bit out in frustration, shaking his head back and forth while
451:27 shaking his head back and forth while his eyes were hot.
451:29 his eyes were hot. That was when I knew I had to brea. His
451:33 That was when I knew I had to brea. His mouth snapped shut. He stopped talking
451:36 mouth snapped shut. He stopped talking and scratched his eyebrow.
451:39 and scratched his eyebrow. Had to what? I said, watching him censor
451:43 Had to what? I said, watching him censor himself.
451:45 himself. Nothing, he said, his Adam's apple
451:48 Nothing, he said, his Adam's apple moving around a big swallow.
451:51 moving around a big swallow. I just know, Wes. What were you going to
451:54 I just know, Wes. What were you going to say?
451:56 say? My heart raced as I asked the question
451:58 My heart raced as I asked the question that I suddenly knew the answer to. That
452:01 that I suddenly knew the answer to. That was when you knew you had to.
452:04 was when you knew you had to. His jaw flexed and unflexed, his eyes on
452:08 His jaw flexed and unflexed, his eyes on me before he said.
452:10 me before he said. That was when I knew I had to break up
452:14 That was when I knew I had to break up with you.
452:22 Chapter 29. Last night should have been the biggest
452:23 Last night should have been the biggest night of my life, and it wasn't. It
452:27 night of my life, and it wasn't. It wasn't because you weren't there. So, I
452:29 wasn't because you weren't there. So, I just wanted to tell you, not to change
452:32 just wanted to tell you, not to change your mind or keep you from going, but
452:34 your mind or keep you from going, but just so you know that I know that I do
452:37 just so you know that I know that I do need you for the love of the game,
452:41 need you for the love of the game, Wes.
452:43 Wes. But her green eyes looked huge as she
452:46 But her green eyes looked huge as she gazed up at me like I just hit her. The
452:49 gazed up at me like I just hit her. The Antinoff party was right after you moved
452:51 Antinoff party was right after you moved home. Yeah, I said, not sure where this
452:55 home. Yeah, I said, not sure where this was going. And so we didn't break up for
452:58 was going. And so we didn't break up for weeks," she said, her eyebrows
453:00 weeks," she said, her eyebrows furrowing. "Because I wasn't strong
453:03 furrowing. "Because I wasn't strong enough to let you go, Lib."
453:06 enough to let you go, Lib." I'd known it was the best thing for her,
453:08 I'd known it was the best thing for her, and I was determined to do it. But every
453:11 and I was determined to do it. But every night, I was too weak. As soon as I
453:14 night, I was too weak. As soon as I heard the sound of her incoming
453:15 heard the sound of her incoming FaceTime, I'd tell myself one more time
453:19 FaceTime, I'd tell myself one more time and get lost in Liz for one more
453:21 and get lost in Liz for one more conversation.
453:23 conversation. "Was that why you were so distant?" she
453:26 "Was that why you were so distant?" she asked. You were trying to get rid of me.
453:29 asked. You were trying to get rid of me. I had to, I said, feeling weak from the
453:33 I had to, I said, feeling weak from the recollection.
453:34 recollection. I loved you. That flipped the switch. As
453:39 I loved you. That flipped the switch. As soon as I said I loved you, her face
453:41 soon as I said I loved you, her face went from sad and confused to straight
453:44 went from sad and confused to straight up angry. "No, you were cheating on me,"
453:48 up angry. "No, you were cheating on me," she said through gritted teeth. "Don't
453:51 she said through gritted teeth. "Don't you dare act like you loved me, Wes."
453:54 you dare act like you loved me, Wes." But I did, I yelled, because that was
453:57 But I did, I yelled, because that was the only truth I'd ever known. I always
454:00 the only truth I'd ever known. I always loved you. Shut up, she snapped. But her
454:04 loved you. Shut up, she snapped. But her tears lessened the aggression as she
454:06 tears lessened the aggression as she shook her head and hiccuped out a little
454:08 shook her head and hiccuped out a little sob. I felt it in the center of my chest
454:11 sob. I felt it in the center of my chest when she said, "I hate that you suffered
454:14 when she said, "I hate that you suffered and I hate what you went through, but
454:16 and I hate what you went through, but that doesn't erase what you did." "I
454:19 that doesn't erase what you did." "I didn't, though," I said, ready to
454:22 didn't, though," I said, ready to finally confess. I didn't cheat on you,
454:25 finally confess. I didn't cheat on you, Lib. She took a step back, putting her
454:28 Lib. She took a step back, putting her hands on top of her head and looking at
454:30 hands on top of her head and looking at me like I was out of my mind. Her eyes
454:32 me like I was out of my mind. Her eyes were huge when she said, "You can't lie
454:35 were huge when she said, "You can't lie about this now, Wes. Because you were
454:38 about this now, Wes. Because you were the one who told me that you did."
454:40 the one who told me that you did." Remember?
454:42 Remember? Yeah. How could I ever forget?
454:46 Yeah. How could I ever forget? New Year's Day, two years ago.
454:50 New Year's Day, two years ago. I was lying in bed, hung over and
454:52 I was lying in bed, hung over and depressed, when the doorbell started
454:54 depressed, when the doorbell started ringing. The first time it was a
454:57 ringing. The first time it was a singular ring. Since Sarah and I never
455:00 singular ring. Since Sarah and I never answered the door unless we were
455:01 answered the door unless we were expecting someone, we both ignored it.
455:04 expecting someone, we both ignored it. And when it rang again, he responded in
455:06 And when it rang again, he responded in the same way. But then whoever was at
455:09 the same way. But then whoever was at the door lost their ever loving mind and
455:11 the door lost their ever loving mind and started lying on the bell. Ringing that
455:14 started lying on the bell. Ringing that thing over and over and over again like
455:16 thing over and over and over again like a psycho. "Go away," I muttered,
455:20 a psycho. "Go away," I muttered, covering my head with my pillow. "Just
455:22 covering my head with my pillow. "Just being awake was bad enough. I definitely
455:25 being awake was bad enough. I definitely wasn't interested in engaging with
455:26 wasn't interested in engaging with another human." But then I heard Sarah
455:29 another human." But then I heard Sarah run down the stairs and open the door.
455:32 run down the stairs and open the door. Idiot. It was probably those people who
455:35 Idiot. It was probably those people who sold pest control door to door. But in
455:37 sold pest control door to door. But in an instant, everything inside me roared
455:40 an instant, everything inside me roared awake and my heart started pounding hard
455:42 awake and my heart started pounding hard in my chest because I heard her voice. I
455:46 in my chest because I heard her voice. I heard Liz say, "I need to talk to your
455:49 heard Liz say, "I need to talk to your brother." I wanted to scream no to lock
455:52 brother." I wanted to scream no to lock my door and hide under the bed because
455:55 my door and hide under the bed because there was no possible way I was strong
455:56 there was no possible way I was strong enough to be alone with her and not beg
455:58 enough to be alone with her and not beg her to love me forever. "I think he's
456:01 her to love me forever. "I think he's still asleep," Sarah said. I knew my
456:05 still asleep," Sarah said. I knew my sister liked Liz, so the odds weren't in
456:07 sister liked Liz, so the odds weren't in my favor that she'd slam the door and
456:09 my favor that she'd slam the door and throw the dead bull. In his room, Liz
456:12 throw the dead bull. In his room, Liz asked, "Please don't come up here.
456:14 asked, "Please don't come up here. Please don't come up here." I looked
456:17 Please don't come up here." I looked around like a fool, trying to find some
456:19 around like a fool, trying to find some way to escape, but there was nothing.
456:22 way to escape, but there was nothing. Nothing but the sound of her footsteps
456:23 Nothing but the sound of her footsteps on the stairs, coming down the hallway
456:26 on the stairs, coming down the hallway toward my bedroom. I closed my eyes and
456:29 toward my bedroom. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep like a total
456:32 pretended to be asleep like a total coward, clueless as to what the hell I
456:34 coward, clueless as to what the hell I was supposed to do. She knocked on my
456:37 was supposed to do. She knocked on my door. "Please go away, Lib." But then I
456:41 door. "Please go away, Lib." But then I heard her step into the room. "Wes," she
456:44 heard her step into the room. "Wes," she said, and my heart seized in my chest at
456:47 said, and my heart seized in my chest at the sound of her voice so close. "Wake
456:49 the sound of her voice so close. "Wake up." I opened my eyes and instantly
456:52 up." I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it because somehow she looked
456:55 regretted it because somehow she looked more wounded than she had last night.
456:57 more wounded than she had last night. when I'd intentionally hurt her. Her
457:00 when I'd intentionally hurt her. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were red,
457:02 cheeks were pink and her eyes were red, and I wanted to pull her down on the bed
457:04 and I wanted to pull her down on the bed and kiss her until she forgave me.
457:06 and kiss her until she forgave me. Instead, I scratched my head and said,
457:09 Instead, I scratched my head and said, "Liz," I sat up, pretending I was half
457:12 "Liz," I sat up, pretending I was half awake and confused when all I really was
457:16 awake and confused when all I really was was a dick. "Tell me about you and
457:19 was a dick. "Tell me about you and Ashley," she said, her voice cracking.
457:23 Ashley," she said, her voice cracking. "Damn it." As I'd been pouting on the
457:26 "Damn it." As I'd been pouting on the deck at the party the night before, Ash
457:28 deck at the party the night before, Ash laid a peck on me at midnight. There had
457:31 laid a peck on me at midnight. There had been nothing to it. It was only because
457:33 been nothing to it. It was only because of New Year's, and I was surprised Liz
457:35 of New Year's, and I was surprised Liz had heard about it at all. I wished I
457:38 had heard about it at all. I wished I could make her feel better so [ __ ]
457:40 could make her feel better so [ __ ] badly. But I shrugged and said, "It was
457:43 badly. But I shrugged and said, "It was New Year's Eve, Bucksbound. I'm not
457:46 New Year's Eve, Bucksbound. I'm not talking about last night." She snapped,
457:49 talking about last night." She snapped, looking like she wanted to hit me or
457:51 looking like she wanted to hit me or ball her eyes out. I hated both.
457:54 ball her eyes out. I hated both. She took in a breath and said, "People
457:57 She took in a breath and said, "People are saying that you and Ashley were
457:59 are saying that you and Ashley were hanging out in October when you and I
458:02 hanging out in October when you and I were still together." Of course not.
458:05 were still together." Of course not. There was no one for me but you, Lib. In
458:08 There was no one for me but you, Lib. In October, I was too busy missing you to
458:11 October, I was too busy missing you to notice other humans.
458:13 notice other humans. It obviously wasn't true. I worked with
458:16 It obviously wasn't true. I worked with Ashley and that was it. But people in
458:18 Ashley and that was it. But people in this town loved starting rumors. I
458:21 this town loved starting rumors. I didn't know what to say as she watched
458:23 didn't know what to say as she watched me, gnawing on her bottom lip. I wanted
458:27 me, gnawing on her bottom lip. I wanted to reassure her more than I wanted to
458:28 to reassure her more than I wanted to breathe, but maybe this idiotic rumor
458:31 breathe, but maybe this idiotic rumor was exactly what I needed. I said, "Is
458:35 was exactly what I needed. I said, "Is that right?" She nodded and asked, "Is
458:39 that right?" She nodded and asked, "Is it true?" "No, it's not true. God, Lib,
458:43 it true?" "No, it's not true. God, Lib, do you really think I could ever do
458:45 do you really think I could ever do that?" I took a deep breath, staring
458:48 that?" I took a deep breath, staring into her eyes, and managed to sound
458:50 into her eyes, and managed to sound bored when I said, "Does it really
458:52 bored when I said, "Does it really matter now?" "Yes, it matters," she
458:56 matter now?" "Yes, it matters," she said, blinking back tears I wanted to
458:59 said, blinking back tears I wanted to kiss away. "Of course it matters." "Did
459:03 kiss away. "Of course it matters." "Did you cheat on me, Wes?" I dragged a hand
459:06 you cheat on me, Wes?" I dragged a hand down my face, down the beard that
459:08 down my face, down the beard that belonged to an unfamiliar person, and I
459:11 belonged to an unfamiliar person, and I said, "I don't know. It's a blur." Okay.
459:15 said, "I don't know. It's a blur." Okay. I can't remember exactly when one thing
459:17 I can't remember exactly when one thing ended and another began. You know, my
459:20 ended and another began. You know, my throat hurt. It was burning as I forced
459:22 throat hurt. It was burning as I forced it to speak these ridiculous lies.
459:25 it to speak these ridiculous lies. "Bullshit," she said, a hiccup in her
459:28 "Bullshit," she said, a hiccup in her voice. "Just admit it." "Seriously." I
459:32 voice. "Just admit it." "Seriously." I felt nauseous as she looked up at me,
459:34 felt nauseous as she looked up at me, and I forced myself to groan like she
459:36 and I forced myself to groan like she was a total pain in the ass. "Okay, I
459:40 was a total pain in the ass. "Okay, I guess I admit it." I looked down, unable
459:43 guess I admit it." I looked down, unable to look at her or anything because I was
459:45 to look at her or anything because I was a half a second from falling apart. I
459:48 a half a second from falling apart. I reached out and grabbed my phone from
459:49 reached out and grabbed my phone from the nightstand as if I was so
459:51 the nightstand as if I was so uninterested in our conversation that I
459:53 uninterested in our conversation that I needed something to look at. But she
459:56 needed something to look at. But she broke my heart when she said in the
459:57 broke my heart when she said in the smallest voice. Why?
460:01 smallest voice. Why? I did look at her then because I
460:03 I did look at her then because I realized at that moment I'd probably
460:06 realized at that moment I'd probably never be that close to her again.
460:08 never be that close to her again. I wanted to ball as I looked into her
460:10 I wanted to ball as I looked into her eyes and said, "Because she was here and
460:14 eyes and said, "Because she was here and you weren't."
460:15 you weren't." "God,
460:17 "God, I hate you," she whispered before
460:19 I hate you," she whispered before running out of the room. "And I knew
460:22 running out of the room. "And I knew we'd never be okay again."
460:25 we'd never be okay again." "I took a deep breath and forced myself
460:28 "I took a deep breath and forced myself back to the present. But it's true," I
460:31 back to the present. But it's true," I said. "I only said I cheated to get you
460:34 said. "I only said I cheated to get you to move on." Her face became impossible
460:37 to move on." Her face became impossible to read as she said, "Explain what the
460:40 to read as she said, "Explain what the hell that could mean." I took a deep
460:42 hell that could mean." I took a deep breath and just dove in. When you showed
460:45 breath and just dove in. When you showed up on New Year's Eve, I expected you to
460:48 up on New Year's Eve, I expected you to hate me for breaking up with you. I was
460:51 hate me for breaking up with you. I was positive you had moved on, but then you
460:53 positive you had moved on, but then you smiled at me. Her eyes narrowed and I
460:57 smiled at me. Her eyes narrowed and I wasn't sure if she was glaring or
460:58 wasn't sure if she was glaring or listening intently.
461:00 listening intently. You smiled at me and even took the kiss
461:03 You smiled at me and even took the kiss bat. I realized when you looked at me
461:06 bat. I realized when you looked at me that even though we weren't together,
461:09 that even though we weren't together, you still hadn't moved on. She made a
461:12 you still hadn't moved on. She made a noise in the back of her throat, almost
461:14 noise in the back of her throat, almost a growl, but I kept going. And you
461:17 a growl, but I kept going. And you needed to because it was for the best,
461:20 needed to because it was for the best, so I was an [ __ ] at the party on
461:22 so I was an [ __ ] at the party on purpose. And when you accused me of
461:24 purpose. And when you accused me of cheating the next morning, I took the
461:26 cheating the next morning, I took the easy out. But everyone said you and
461:29 easy out. But everyone said you and Ashley had been we worked together after
461:32 Ashley had been we worked together after I moved back and we commiscerated a lot
461:35 I moved back and we commiscerated a lot because we both had crappy home lives.
461:38 because we both had crappy home lives. So people saw us together and made
461:40 So people saw us together and made assumptions.
461:41 assumptions. I stepped closer to Liz needing her to
461:44 I stepped closer to Liz needing her to believe me. But we were always just
461:47 believe me. But we were always just friends because there was never anyone
461:49 friends because there was never anyone else for me but you. She growled again,
461:53 else for me but you. She growled again, then said, "So, you broke up with me
461:56 then said, "So, you broke up with me because you loved me so much, and then
461:58 because you loved me so much, and then said you cheated on me because you
462:00 said you cheated on me because you needed me to move on, but knew I
462:02 needed me to move on, but knew I wouldn't unless you did something
462:03 wouldn't unless you did something terrible." I knew something wasn't right
462:06 terrible." I knew something wasn't right in that, but I said, "Yes,
462:10 in that, but I said, "Yes, and this is the absolute truth," she
462:12 and this is the absolute truth," she asked, her eyes everywhere on my face.
462:15 asked, her eyes everywhere on my face. "Swear on my life," I said, feeling
462:18 "Swear on my life," I said, feeling relieved because she looked like she
462:20 relieved because she looked like she believed me.
462:21 believed me. Dear God, I cannot believe the ego. Liz
462:25 Dear God, I cannot believe the ego. Liz shook her head, her eyes wide as she
462:27 shook her head, her eyes wide as she yelled, "How can you be so incredibly
462:30 yelled, "How can you be so incredibly arrogant?" "Arrogant? I was truly
462:33 arrogant?" "Arrogant? I was truly confused. I was a lot of things, but
462:36 confused. I was a lot of things, but arrogant wasn't one of them." "Yes.
462:40 arrogant wasn't one of them." "Yes. Are you God? Are you my dad? How would
462:42 Are you God? Are you my dad? How would it ever be your place to decide what's
462:44 it ever be your place to decide what's best for me without my input?" "It
462:47 best for me without my input?" "It wasn't like that. Come on, I said,
462:49 wasn't like that. Come on, I said, rubbing the side of my neck, wishing I
462:52 rubbing the side of my neck, wishing I could make her understand. But I know
462:54 could make her understand. But I know you, Lib, I knew you'd stay with me no
462:56 you, Lib, I knew you'd stay with me no matter how big of a loser I became. And
462:59 matter how big of a loser I became. And I couldn't let you do that. For
463:01 I couldn't let you do that. For starters, do you realize how insulting
463:04 starters, do you realize how insulting it is that you think I'm like so
463:06 it is that you think I'm like so childish or lovesick or freaking
463:08 childish or lovesick or freaking enamored with you that I would just stay
463:09 enamored with you that I would just stay like a loyal retriever no matter what?
463:12 like a loyal retriever no matter what? She was full-on yelling now, her eyes
463:15 She was full-on yelling now, her eyes blazing.
463:16 blazing. You infantilized me by assuming you knew
463:19 You infantilized me by assuming you knew best. God save me from this ego. There
463:23 best. God save me from this ego. There was no ego involved. I argued a little
463:26 was no ego involved. I argued a little pissed because I might have screwed up,
463:28 pissed because I might have screwed up, but my entire life was a pile of [ __ ] at
463:30 but my entire life was a pile of [ __ ] at the time. For God's sake, Lib, you have
463:33 the time. For God's sake, Lib, you have no idea what it was like. Just put
463:36 no idea what it was like. Just put yourself in my shoes for 5 seconds. I
463:39 yourself in my shoes for 5 seconds. I don't know how to be in the shoes of
463:40 don't know how to be in the shoes of God, Wes. And can you take a half a
463:44 God, Wes. And can you take a half a second to recognize the fact that I
463:45 second to recognize the fact that I never cheated on you? Can I at least get
463:47 never cheated on you? Can I at least get a reprieve for that? No, you guys.
463:52 a reprieve for that? No, you guys. What? Liz and I yelled in unison. I
463:56 What? Liz and I yelled in unison. I looked to my right and Sarah was
463:58 looked to my right and Sarah was standing there watching us with her
463:59 standing there watching us with her eyebrows raised. We need to leave for
464:02 eyebrows raised. We need to leave for the airport, she said sheepishly,
464:05 the airport, she said sheepishly, holding the keys to my mom's car as she
464:07 holding the keys to my mom's car as she looked back and forth between the two of
464:08 looked back and forth between the two of us. I need 5 more minutes, I said. Not
464:12 us. I need 5 more minutes, I said. Not even close to finished. "No, I'm done,"
464:15 even close to finished. "No, I'm done," Liz said, pushing her hair behind her
464:17 Liz said, pushing her hair behind her ears. "Safe travel, Sarah." She marched
464:21 ears. "Safe travel, Sarah." She marched away from me and toward the ice cream
464:23 away from me and toward the ice cream shop, her rage whipping like a breeze
464:25 shop, her rage whipping like a breeze behind her. I stared as she went inside,
464:28 behind her. I stared as she went inside, and I could see through the windows as
464:30 and I could see through the windows as she walked up to Joss and started
464:31 she walked up to Joss and started talking. "God, I love the way she talks
464:35 talking. "God, I love the way she talks with her hands when she's pissed.
464:38 with her hands when she's pissed. I'm really sorry." What? Sarah was
464:41 I'm really sorry." What? Sarah was looking at me like a worried parent,
464:43 looking at me like a worried parent, like she was afraid I was going to break
464:45 like she was afraid I was going to break down.
464:46 down. I feel like this is my fault. It's not
464:49 I feel like this is my fault. It's not your fault. I put my hands in my pockets
464:52 your fault. I put my hands in my pockets and kept watching Liz through the
464:54 and kept watching Liz through the window. You didn't force me to lie. No,
464:59 window. You didn't force me to lie. No, but I've been telling you for forever
465:00 but I've been telling you for forever that you needed to be honest with Liz.
465:03 that you needed to be honest with Liz. Now you finally listened and it
465:05 Now you finally listened and it backfired. How do you figure? I watched
465:08 backfired. How do you figure? I watched as Josh shook her head and put her hands
465:10 as Josh shook her head and put her hands on her hips. "Um,
465:13 on her hips. "Um, all the yelling," Sarah replied, her
465:16 all the yelling," Sarah replied, her voice full of sarcasm. "I hadn't
465:19 voice full of sarcasm. "I hadn't imagined it would go off the rails quite
465:21 imagined it would go off the rails quite like that. I actually think it's good."
465:24 like that. I actually think it's good." I looked back at my sister and felt
465:26 I looked back at my sister and felt relaxed all of a sudden. The air has
465:29 relaxed all of a sudden. The air has finally been cleared. "Huh?" she said,
465:33 finally been cleared. "Huh?" she said, looking at me suspiciously.
465:35 looking at me suspiciously. I would not have pictured you responding
465:37 I would not have pictured you responding this calmly. "Well, you don't know
465:41 this calmly. "Well, you don't know everything, do you, Stanford?" I teased,
465:44 everything, do you, Stanford?" I teased, then looked up at the sky. It was a
465:47 then looked up at the sky. It was a clear night, so clear that I could see a
465:49 clear night, so clear that I could see a few stars in spite of the downtown
465:51 few stars in spite of the downtown lights. And it felt like something.
465:54 lights. And it felt like something. Rewrite the stars started playing in my
465:56 Rewrite the stars started playing in my head as I thought about the fact that
465:58 head as I thought about the fact that Sarah was right. It didn't make sense
466:00 Sarah was right. It didn't make sense that I wasn't more upset right now. But
466:03 that I wasn't more upset right now. But two things had just come into my head.
466:06 two things had just come into my head. Realizations as clear as those tiny
466:08 Realizations as clear as those tiny stars in the night sky. And they were
466:10 stars in the night sky. And they were making me really [ __ ] happy. The
466:13 making me really [ __ ] happy. The first, Liz was single now. She was
466:17 first, Liz was single now. She was finally available. And she didn't seem
466:19 finally available. And she didn't seem to be all that broken up about losing
466:21 to be all that broken up about losing Clark. All she'd screamed about was me.
466:25 Clark. All she'd screamed about was me. Us. And that was the second thing. Her
466:28 Us. And that was the second thing. Her rage. Liz was livid. angrier than I'd
466:32 rage. Liz was livid. angrier than I'd ever seen her. And that was, well, kind
466:36 ever seen her. And that was, well, kind of fantastic
466:38 of fantastic because it meant she hadn't moved on.
466:41 because it meant she hadn't moved on. She wasn't over us at all. Something
466:44 She wasn't over us at all. Something that felt a hell of a lot like hope was
466:46 that felt a hell of a lot like hope was buzzing through me as I looked up at
466:48 buzzing through me as I looked up at those stars and pictured her face when
466:50 those stars and pictured her face when she'd yelled, "I don't know how to be in
466:52 she'd yelled, "I don't know how to be in the shoes of God, Wes." Because instead
466:55 the shoes of God, Wes." Because instead of the measured looks I'd gotten used to
466:57 of the measured looks I'd gotten used to from her, where it felt like her
466:59 from her, where it felt like her feelings were locked up tight, she'd
467:01 feelings were locked up tight, she'd looked at me with flushed cheeks and
467:02 looked at me with flushed cheeks and flashing green eyes, as if she was
467:05 flashing green eyes, as if she was engulfed in the white hot flames of her
467:07 engulfed in the white hot flames of her blazing anger. Toward me. There really
467:11 blazing anger. Toward me. There really was a fine line between love and hate.
467:14 was a fine line between love and hate. And Libbyy's rage fueled me to burn that
467:16 And Libbyy's rage fueled me to burn that line to the ground.
467:18 line to the ground. What if we rewrite the stars? Say you
467:21 What if we rewrite the stars? Say you were made to be mine.
467:30 Chapter 30. I can't see anything I don't like about
467:32 I can't see anything I don't like about you. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
467:35 you. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,
467:37 Mind, Liz.
467:40 Liz. I drank my malt and hung out with my
467:42 I drank my malt and hung out with my friends after that. But it wasn't the
467:45 friends after that. But it wasn't the same.
467:46 same. I felt emotionally drained and didn't
467:50 I felt emotionally drained and didn't know what to do with all the thoughts
467:51 know what to do with all the thoughts that were going on in my head.
467:54 that were going on in my head. I could tell everyone wanted to know
467:55 I could tell everyone wanted to know what had just happened,
467:58 what had just happened, but I didn't want to talk about it. I
468:00 but I didn't want to talk about it. I mean, how could I talk about it when I
468:03 mean, how could I talk about it when I couldn't even make sense of it?
468:06 couldn't even make sense of it? When I took Clark back to his hotel, he
468:09 When I took Clark back to his hotel, he tried mentioning the video, but I
468:10 tried mentioning the video, but I wouldn't let him. which was ironic in
468:13 wouldn't let him. which was ironic in that when I tried going to sleep, that
468:16 that when I tried going to sleep, that video was on repeat in my head.
468:18 video was on repeat in my head. I lay there in my childhood bedroom, the
468:22 I lay there in my childhood bedroom, the same room where I'd experienced so many
468:24 same room where I'd experienced so many emotions regarding Wes over the years,
468:27 emotions regarding Wes over the years, and I heard his words over and over
468:30 and I heard his words over and over again.
468:32 again. I didn't cheat on you, Li.
468:35 I didn't cheat on you, Li. I don't know why, but sometime around
468:38 I don't know why, but sometime around midnight, I was compelled to go sit in a
468:40 midnight, I was compelled to go sit in a secret area with my wouldn't be silenced
468:44 secret area with my wouldn't be silenced thoughts.
468:45 thoughts. I knew it didn't belong to the Bennett
468:47 I knew it didn't belong to the Bennett anymore, but I also knew the new people
468:50 anymore, but I also knew the new people hadn't moved in yet, so I wasn't going
468:52 hadn't moved in yet, so I wasn't going to get arrested for being back there.
468:55 to get arrested for being back there. I quietly slipped out the patio door and
468:58 I quietly slipped out the patio door and ran through the backyard the way I'd
469:01 ran through the backyard the way I'd done so many times to meet Wes the
469:02 done so many times to meet Wes the summer after my senior year and I
469:05 summer after my senior year and I climbed over the fence.
469:08 climbed over the fence. But I wasn't ready for what I saw.
469:11 But I wasn't ready for what I saw. Oh my god.
469:13 Oh my god. Overgrown didn't even begin to describe
469:16 Overgrown didn't even begin to describe it. It was impossible to believe it was
469:19 it. It was impossible to believe it was the same place to be honest.
469:22 the same place to be honest. It was like it had reverted to its
469:24 It was like it had reverted to its former self. The wild place that lent
469:27 former self. The wild place that lent itself to epic games of hideand seek.
469:30 itself to epic games of hideand seek. It was so overgrown that it took me a
469:33 It was so overgrown that it took me a minute to even find where the fire pit
469:34 minute to even find where the fire pit was.
469:36 was. Where the space used to be an oasis, it
469:39 Where the space used to be an oasis, it was now just a crooked fire pit with a
469:42 was now just a crooked fire pit with a lawn chair sitting beside it. The
469:44 lawn chair sitting beside it. The fountain, the flowers,
469:48 fountain, the flowers, they were long forgotten.
469:50 they were long forgotten. I wasn't sure if they'd been removed or
469:53 I wasn't sure if they'd been removed or just swallowed by nature. I reached down
469:56 just swallowed by nature. I reached down and grabbed an empty bottle of Corona
469:58 and grabbed an empty bottle of Corona off the ground, wondering if that was
470:01 off the ground, wondering if that was what Wes had been drinking last night.
470:04 what Wes had been drinking last night. God, was that really only last night.
470:07 God, was that really only last night. The universe had shifted since then.
470:11 The universe had shifted since then. There was a big piece of wood in the
470:12 There was a big piece of wood in the fire pit, and I pulled the matches and
470:14 fire pit, and I pulled the matches and lighter fluid I had snagged from the
470:16 lighter fluid I had snagged from the kitchen out of my pocket.
470:18 kitchen out of my pocket. I lit a tiny fire, for some reason
470:21 I lit a tiny fire, for some reason needing the ceremonial feeling of ritual
470:24 needing the ceremonial feeling of ritual as I soaked in the dark knight.
470:27 as I soaked in the dark knight. Because I was feeling melancholy, I
470:29 Because I was feeling melancholy, I scrolled through Spotify until I found
470:31 scrolled through Spotify until I found the OG playlist,
470:33 the OG playlist, the one from senior year.
470:36 the one from senior year. I hadn't let myself get in my feels
470:38 I hadn't let myself get in my feels about Wes in a long time, but there was
470:40 about Wes in a long time, but there was no avoiding it that night.
470:43 no avoiding it that night. I turned on Adele and leaned my head
470:46 I turned on Adele and leaned my head back, looking up at the sky.
470:49 back, looking up at the sky. The night was clear. The stars were
470:52 The night was clear. The stars were bright
470:53 bright and I was utterly lost.
470:58 and I was utterly lost. Hey, kiddo.
471:00 Hey, kiddo. I looked up and my dad was climbing over
471:03 I looked up and my dad was climbing over the fence in his stupid banana pajama
471:05 the fence in his stupid banana pajama pants and Luke Steiner t-shirt.
471:09 pants and Luke Steiner t-shirt. I don't know why, but seeing him and
471:12 I don't know why, but seeing him and hearing his voice made my eyes get a
471:14 hearing his voice made my eyes get a little misty.
471:16 little misty. Tell me what happened, he said, coming
471:20 Tell me what happened, he said, coming over and dropping to the ground beside
471:22 over and dropping to the ground beside me. We could tell when you got home that
471:24 me. We could tell when you got home that you were upset, but we decided to leave
471:28 you were upset, but we decided to leave you alone.
471:30 you alone. What changed? I asked,
471:33 What changed? I asked, amused by the wonderful way my dad was
471:36 amused by the wonderful way my dad was always the same.
471:38 always the same. When I heard you sneak out the back
471:40 When I heard you sneak out the back door, I figured you needed to talk to
471:43 door, I figured you needed to talk to someone.
471:45 someone. I thought I'd volunteer as tribute.
471:48 I thought I'd volunteer as tribute. So, what happened with Wes?
471:51 So, what happened with Wes? How do you know this is about Wes? I
471:54 How do you know this is about Wes? I asked, sniffling.
471:56 asked, sniffling. He just said, "It's always about Wes,
472:00 He just said, "It's always about Wes, honey."
472:01 honey." "I don't even know where to start," I
472:04 "I don't even know where to start," I said, shaking my head.
472:08 said, shaking my head. Just start at the beginning, he said,
472:11 Just start at the beginning, he said, leaning back on his arms. I don't have
472:14 leaning back on his arms. I don't have any plans.
472:17 any plans. Okay, I said, and I just took off.
472:22 Okay, I said, and I just took off. I told him everything, then rambled to
472:25 I told him everything, then rambled to him about the way it was impossible for
472:27 him about the way it was impossible for me to reconcile my feelings.
472:30 me to reconcile my feelings. I'd had two massive revelations that
472:32 I'd had two massive revelations that night, and each brought out opposing
472:35 night, and each brought out opposing feelings.
472:37 feelings. Every time I thought about poor Wes and
472:39 Every time I thought about poor Wes and what he'd gone through, my heart was
472:41 what he'd gone through, my heart was broken for him. I was so sad for
472:45 broken for him. I was so sad for everything he'd lost. And equally sad
472:47 everything he'd lost. And equally sad that he hadn't been able to tell me. I
472:50 that he hadn't been able to tell me. I felt like somehow I failed him. That
472:53 felt like somehow I failed him. That obviously there was some reason he
472:55 obviously there was some reason he hadn't been able to open up to me.
472:58 hadn't been able to open up to me. But as soon as I think that, I get so
473:01 But as soon as I think that, I get so frustrated over what we lost because we
473:03 frustrated over what we lost because we didn't have to lose it, right?
473:06 didn't have to lose it, right? It's probably unfair to be mad at him
473:08 It's probably unfair to be mad at him for doing something he considered
473:10 for doing something he considered selfless, that he thought he was doing
473:12 selfless, that he thought he was doing for me, but it was just such a waste.
473:16 for me, but it was just such a waste. It didn't have to end.
473:18 It didn't have to end. Instead of trusting me, he made the
473:21 Instead of trusting me, he made the executive decision that I couldn't be
473:24 executive decision that I couldn't be trusted and he walked away.
473:27 trusted and he walked away. And the lie about Ashley pissed me off.
473:31 And the lie about Ashley pissed me off. I didn't feel guilty about being mad at
473:32 I didn't feel guilty about being mad at him for that because it just felt so
473:35 him for that because it just felt so childish, so arrogant that he thought I
473:39 childish, so arrogant that he thought I would never get over him unless I
473:40 would never get over him unless I thought he cheated.
473:42 thought he cheated. "So, did he apologize?"
473:45 "So, did he apologize?" my dad asked, lifting his hands to warm
473:48 my dad asked, lifting his hands to warm them by the fire. "No," I said. Or he
473:54 them by the fire. "No," I said. Or he might have said it during the fight, but
473:55 might have said it during the fight, but it wasn't an apology apology,
473:58 it wasn't an apology apology, had he? I really didn't think so.
474:02 had he? I really didn't think so. >> Did you tell him you were going to get
474:04 >> Did you tell him you were going to get back to him about this or something?
474:06 back to him about this or something? >> He asked.
474:08 >> He asked. "No," I yelled at him and left.
474:12 "No," I yelled at him and left. That made him smile a little, but he
474:15 That made him smile a little, but he said, "So then, who cares?
474:19 said, "So then, who cares? Who cares about your conflicted
474:20 Who cares about your conflicted feelings? It's okay for them to not make
474:23 feelings? It's okay for them to not make sense, and it's okay to be sad about him
474:27 sense, and it's okay to be sad about him and pissed off at him all at the same
474:30 and pissed off at him all at the same time.
474:31 time. He grabbed a stick and tossed it into
474:33 He grabbed a stick and tossed it into the fire pit. It's fine to have no idea
474:37 the fire pit. It's fine to have no idea what you think about any of it. Don't
474:40 what you think about any of it. Don't you see?
474:42 you see? You can say, "I don't know what I feel
474:44 You can say, "I don't know what I feel about him."
474:46 about him." And then just let it go.
474:49 And then just let it go. If you don't have to get back to him
474:50 If you don't have to get back to him with an answer on something, like he's
474:53 with an answer on something, like he's not asking you out or proposing
474:55 not asking you out or proposing marriage, just be confused.
474:59 marriage, just be confused. You don't have to figure this one out.
475:02 You don't have to figure this one out. "Oh my god, are you right?" I asked,
475:07 "Oh my god, are you right?" I asked, shocked that his words were somehow
475:09 shocked that his words were somehow making a lot of sense.
475:11 making a lot of sense. "I have my moments," he teased.
475:16 "I have my moments," he teased. Could I really just shrug and not come
475:19 Could I really just shrug and not come to a conclusion on my West Bennett
475:21 to a conclusion on my West Bennett feelings?
475:23 feelings? My dad hung out with me for a few more
475:25 My dad hung out with me for a few more minutes after that, but then I think he
475:28 minutes after that, but then I think he sensed I needed to be alone and he went
475:31 sensed I needed to be alone and he went inside,
475:33 inside, which left me to stare into the fire and
475:35 which left me to stare into the fire and picture Wes's face when he had said,
475:39 picture Wes's face when he had said, "There was never anyone else for me but
475:41 "There was never anyone else for me but you."
475:42 you." Q. anyone else by Joshua Basset.
475:47 Q. anyone else by Joshua Basset. He'd looked so old school Wes. The Wes
475:52 He'd looked so old school Wes. The Wes of before, the Wes who'd been my
475:55 of before, the Wes who'd been my everything.
475:57 everything. I was still in shock that he hadn't
475:59 I was still in shock that he hadn't stopped loving me and he hadn't cheated
476:02 stopped loving me and he hadn't cheated on me.
476:04 on me. I just I couldn't believe it.
476:08 I just I couldn't believe it. I knew now what he'd been going through
476:11 I knew now what he'd been going through at the time, so technically I understood
476:14 at the time, so technically I understood his motivations.
476:16 his motivations. And if I were watching this plot in a
476:18 And if I were watching this plot in a Netflix movie, I'd probably be yelling
476:20 Netflix movie, I'd probably be yelling at my TV, "He did it because he loved
476:22 at my TV, "He did it because he loved you." But it wasn't a Netflix movie. And
476:26 you." But it wasn't a Netflix movie. And I just couldn't get past the fact that
476:28 I just couldn't get past the fact that he'd completely shut down.
476:31 he'd completely shut down. Not once during our endless text
476:34 Not once during our endless text conversations and daily multiple calls
476:36 conversations and daily multiple calls did he mention his concerns.
476:39 did he mention his concerns. He told me about work and his sister and
476:42 He told me about work and his sister and his dog. And he told me he loved me, but
476:46 his dog. And he told me he loved me, but he'd never said he was worried about
476:48 he'd never said he was worried about anything at all.
476:51 anything at all. I thought everything was perfectly fine
476:54 I thought everything was perfectly fine until he dumped me out of the blue.
476:57 until he dumped me out of the blue. It's just not meant to be for us
476:59 It's just not meant to be for us anymore.
477:01 anymore. But even then, as I baldled my eyes out,
477:04 But even then, as I baldled my eyes out, I hadn't been mad.
477:07 I hadn't been mad. He'd lost his dad, and his entire world
477:09 He'd lost his dad, and his entire world had changed. Of course, our relationship
477:11 had changed. Of course, our relationship wasn't his priority.
477:13 wasn't his priority. I'd been devastated, yes,
477:16 I'd been devastated, yes, and surprised by how cold he'd sounded,
477:20 and surprised by how cold he'd sounded, but in my heart, I'd known it wasn't
477:22 but in my heart, I'd known it wasn't permanent.
477:24 permanent. Eventually, we'd find our way back to
477:26 Eventually, we'd find our way back to each other again.
477:28 each other again. I'd been certain of it.
477:31 I'd been certain of it. Silly little love lover.
477:34 Silly little love lover. And then I learned he'd been cheating on
477:35 And then I learned he'd been cheating on me with Ashley.
477:37 me with Ashley. I'd hated him for that for so long that
477:40 I'd hated him for that for so long that it felt like it was part of me now.
477:44 it felt like it was part of me now. My name's Liz. I have red hair and I
477:46 My name's Liz. I have red hair and I hate Wes Bennett.
477:49 hate Wes Bennett. So now I was supposed to not only be
477:51 So now I was supposed to not only be done with hating him, but accept the
477:53 done with hating him, but accept the fact that he treated me that way to save
477:55 fact that he treated me that way to save me from myself.
477:58 me from myself. On paper, it sounded possible, but I
478:01 On paper, it sounded possible, but I wasn't sure that it was
478:04 wasn't sure that it was because it hurt my feelings if I was
478:06 because it hurt my feelings if I was being honest. That he hadn't been able
478:09 being honest. That he hadn't been able to talk to me. That he'd been going
478:11 to talk to me. That he'd been going through hell on the down low.
478:14 through hell on the down low. Had he faked our every exchange after he
478:16 Had he faked our every exchange after he went home then when we were laughing
478:19 went home then when we were laughing together on FaceTime and talking about
478:21 together on FaceTime and talking about how we couldn't wait until I came home
478:23 how we couldn't wait until I came home for Christmas.
478:25 for Christmas. Was it all an act on his part? Like a
478:29 Was it all an act on his part? Like a put on a brave face so the kids won't
478:30 put on a brave face so the kids won't know type of situation.
478:33 know type of situation. It also stung that he obviously saw me
478:36 It also stung that he obviously saw me as someone who'd just abandon all her
478:38 as someone who'd just abandon all her goals and aspirations in the name of
478:40 goals and aspirations in the name of love. I'd always assumed he saw me as
478:44 love. I'd always assumed he saw me as strong,
478:46 strong, as someone with a little drive, but
478:48 as someone with a little drive, but apparently he saw me as a wideeyed,
478:51 apparently he saw me as a wideeyed, lovesick girl who'd blindly follow him
478:53 lovesick girl who'd blindly follow him around for the rest of my life until I
478:55 around for the rest of my life until I was stopped. And man, had he stopped me.
479:00 was stopped. And man, had he stopped me. I was still driving myself crazy with
479:02 I was still driving myself crazy with this emotional loop when I finally went
479:05 this emotional loop when I finally went to sleep.
479:07 to sleep. But I felt better about everything in
479:08 But I felt better about everything in the morning, thank God.
479:11 the morning, thank God. My dad's simple statement changed my
479:14 My dad's simple statement changed my entire outlook
479:16 entire outlook because he was right. I didn't have to
479:20 because he was right. I didn't have to understand my feelings about Wes.
479:22 understand my feelings about Wes. Technically, they didn't even matter. We
479:25 Technically, they didn't even matter. We weren't dating. We weren't really even
479:27 weren't dating. We weren't really even friends. So, it was okay to be
479:30 friends. So, it was okay to be conflicted.
479:32 conflicted. There was no one waiting for me to pass
479:33 There was no one waiting for me to pass down my final decision to render my
479:36 down my final decision to render my judgment on West Bennett's sins.
479:39 judgment on West Bennett's sins. It was okay for me to ache for what he
479:41 It was okay for me to ache for what he went through. And it was okay for me to
479:44 went through. And it was okay for me to want to punch him for giving up on us.
479:47 want to punch him for giving up on us. Really, my dad was right.
479:50 Really, my dad was right. Nobody cares.
479:52 Nobody cares. Helena went on a crispy cream run while
479:54 Helena went on a crispy cream run while I showered. So, I got to wolf down a
479:57 I showered. So, I got to wolf down a couple of donuts before we left for the
479:59 couple of donuts before we left for the airport. We picked up Clark and Lilith
480:01 airport. We picked up Clark and Lilith on the way. And when I hugged my dad
480:04 on the way. And when I hugged my dad goodbye in the departure drop off lane,
480:07 goodbye in the departure drop off lane, he solidified my okayess by repeating
480:10 he solidified my okayess by repeating his statement, but in a different font.
480:15 his statement, but in a different font. Remember, you don't have to overanalyze
480:17 Remember, you don't have to overanalyze the past. Just live your now life.
480:22 the past. Just live your now life. I love you, I said, squeezing him while
480:26 I love you, I said, squeezing him while wishing we could have stayed longer.
480:29 wishing we could have stayed longer. Love you too, kiddo, he said.
480:33 Love you too, kiddo, he said. You're coming home for Christmas, you
480:35 You're coming home for Christmas, you little snot," Helena said with a smile
480:38 little snot," Helena said with a smile while she cried. "So don't even try to
480:40 while she cried. "So don't even try to get out of it." "I won't," I said,
480:45 get out of it." "I won't," I said, wrapping her in a hug while knowing I'd
480:47 wrapping her in a hug while knowing I'd never want to stay away again.
480:50 never want to stay away again. Clark tried bringing up Wes on the
480:52 Clark tried bringing up Wes on the plane, but he was cool when I told him I
480:54 plane, but he was cool when I told him I didn't want to talk about it. All my
480:57 didn't want to talk about it. All my roommates seemed to respect my need for
480:59 roommates seemed to respect my need for privacy on this after I got back, which
481:02 privacy on this after I got back, which was surprising when they were usually
481:04 was surprising when they were usually all over my business.
481:06 all over my business. I was able to spend the rest of the
481:08 I was able to spend the rest of the weekend getting caught up on my studies,
481:11 weekend getting caught up on my studies, and it was wonderful.
481:13 and it was wonderful. But on Sunday, as I sat at a table on
481:16 But on Sunday, as I sat at a table on the Kirchoff patio, trying my damnedest
481:20 the Kirchoff patio, trying my damnedest to study for my copyright law exam, Wes
481:24 to study for my copyright law exam, Wes was back on my mind.
481:26 was back on my mind. It was a gorgeous day. The trees giving
481:29 It was a gorgeous day. The trees giving me the perfect amount of shade as the
481:30 me the perfect amount of shade as the patio buzzed with students. And I should
481:33 patio buzzed with students. And I should have been having one of those top 10
481:35 have been having one of those top 10 studying on campus kinds of days. It was
481:38 studying on campus kinds of days. It was like a damn postcard for fall semester
481:40 like a damn postcard for fall semester out there.
481:42 out there. But I wasn't seeing any of it. Not
481:44 But I wasn't seeing any of it. Not really.
481:46 really. Because Wes kept popping into my head.
481:50 Because Wes kept popping into my head. There was never anyone else for me but
481:51 There was never anyone else for me but you.
481:53 you. I thought you were studying.
481:56 I thought you were studying. Campbell sat down with a coffee and
481:57 Campbell sat down with a coffee and said, "It looks like you're just staring
482:00 said, "It looks like you're just staring into space with your mouth wide open."
482:03 into space with your mouth wide open." "What?" I blinked slow on the uptake.
482:08 "What?" I blinked slow on the uptake. "Oh, no. I was just thinking."
482:12 "Oh, no. I was just thinking." Hey, has Wade asked you for my number
482:15 Hey, has Wade asked you for my number yet?
482:17 yet? She was actually kind of interested in
482:20 She was actually kind of interested in the mildly obnoxious first baseman, but
482:23 the mildly obnoxious first baseman, but she refused to engage until he took the
482:25 she refused to engage until he took the time to get her number from me and
482:27 time to get her number from me and actually call for a date. She said she
482:30 actually call for a date. She said she didn't have time for boys who only chase
482:33 didn't have time for boys who only chase me at parties where they think they
482:35 me at parties where they think they might score. And so far, she was making
482:38 might score. And so far, she was making the right call
482:40 the right call because he never asked me about her when
482:42 because he never asked me about her when he was sober.
482:44 he was sober. Nope, I said. I saw him at practice
482:48 Nope, I said. I saw him at practice earlier, but he was busy. Sorry.
482:51 earlier, but he was busy. Sorry. It's fine, she said, taking out her
482:54 It's fine, she said, taking out her laptop and acting like she didn't care,
482:57 laptop and acting like she didn't care, even though I knew she was disappointed.
483:00 even though I knew she was disappointed. For someone who was beautiful and smart
483:02 For someone who was beautiful and smart and ridiculously talented on a soccer
483:05 and ridiculously talented on a soccer field, she was shy when it came to guys.
483:09 field, she was shy when it came to guys. I'm pretty sure he's an [ __ ] Anyway,
483:12 I'm pretty sure he's an [ __ ] Anyway, my phone buzzed and when I picked it up
483:15 my phone buzzed and when I picked it up off the table, I couldn't believe my
483:17 off the table, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Wes.
483:21 eyes. It was Wes. Wes.
483:23 Wes. Hi.
483:25 Hi. I stared at the message, my brain
483:27 I stared at the message, my brain misfiring and shooting screaming
483:29 misfiring and shooting screaming fireworks out my ears as I struggled to
483:32 fireworks out my ears as I struggled to figure out what to even say.
483:35 figure out what to even say. How did he expect me to respond to his
483:37 How did he expect me to respond to his stupid hi message? I mean, what even was
483:41 stupid hi message? I mean, what even was that? Hi. Like we were pals and he would
483:45 that? Hi. Like we were pals and he would just text me hi whenever he wanted to.
483:47 just text me hi whenever he wanted to. Hi.
483:49 Hi. Another buzz.
483:51 Another buzz. Wes,
483:53 Wes, obviously you don't know how to respond
483:55 obviously you don't know how to respond and that's fine.
483:57 and that's fine. Wes, I just wanted to say hi because
484:01 Wes, I just wanted to say hi because you're on my mind.
484:03 you're on my mind. Wes, have a great day. Also, I just
484:07 Wes, have a great day. Also, I just listened to You Could Start a Cult by
484:09 listened to You Could Start a Cult by Lizzy and Nile, and if you haven't
484:12 Lizzy and Nile, and if you haven't heard, it seems like a book bomb song,
484:16 heard, it seems like a book bomb song, and he dropped a link.
484:18 and he dropped a link. Damn him. How could he possibly know? I
484:22 Damn him. How could he possibly know? I grated my teeth and texted.
484:25 grated my teeth and texted. A little too sweet for my tastes, but
484:27 A little too sweet for my tastes, but thanks.
484:28 thanks. But because it was Wes, my message
484:31 But because it was Wes, my message stopped nothing.
484:33 stopped nothing. Wes,
484:35 Wes, it's a gorgeous song. Are you kidding me
484:37 it's a gorgeous song. Are you kidding me right now? I replied,
484:40 right now? I replied, I didn't say it isn't a good song. I
484:42 I didn't say it isn't a good song. I said it's not for me.
484:45 said it's not for me. Wes,
484:46 Wes, liar.
484:49 liar. I absolutely was lying. But it irked me
484:52 I absolutely was lying. But it irked me the way he acted like he knew what I
484:54 the way he acted like he knew what I liked when there was no way that he
484:56 liked when there was no way that he could.
484:58 could. Alexa, play Hate That You Know Me by
485:01 Alexa, play Hate That You Know Me by Bleachers.
485:03 Bleachers. I texted.
485:05 I texted. I'm kind of busy right now. Did you need
485:07 I'm kind of busy right now. Did you need something?
485:09 something? The phone buzzed almost immediately. And
485:12 The phone buzzed almost immediately. And when I looked down, butterflies went
485:16 when I looked down, butterflies went wild in my stomach.
485:18 wild in my stomach. Wes.
485:20 Wes. Oh, honey. You have no idea.
485:25 Oh, honey. You have no idea. My head was about to explode as I read
485:27 My head was about to explode as I read it. Then read it again, wondering why it
485:31 it. Then read it again, wondering why it was so hot in there and then realizing I
485:34 was so hot in there and then realizing I was outside.
485:36 was outside. Thankfully, I didn't have to respond
485:38 Thankfully, I didn't have to respond because he added,
485:40 because he added, "But for now, I'll leave you alone."
485:44 "But for now, I'll leave you alone." Later, Lib
485:52 Chapter 31. I was born to kiss you. Only you.
485:57 I was born to kiss you. Only you. Wes,
485:59 Wes, stop laughing. I can't, though. Mickey
486:03 stop laughing. I can't, though. Mickey popped up from his squat behind home
486:04 popped up from his squat behind home plate and threw back the 10 balls that
486:06 plate and threw back the 10 balls that been in the dirt beside him, shaking his
486:08 been in the dirt beside him, shaking his head with his stupid grin on his face.
486:11 head with his stupid grin on his face. She's going to destroy you. No, she's
486:14 She's going to destroy you. No, she's not. Yeah, she probably was, but not for
486:18 not. Yeah, she probably was, but not for the reasons he thought. I caught each
486:21 the reasons he thought. I caught each ball and dropped them on the mound by my
486:22 ball and dropped them on the mound by my feet, wiping my forehead with the back
486:25 feet, wiping my forehead with the back of my arm. It was already hot and humid,
486:27 of my arm. It was already hot and humid, and it wasn't even 9:00 yet. I'd
486:30 and it wasn't even 9:00 yet. I'd convinced Mick to break into the high
486:32 convinced Mick to break into the high school field down the street with me,
486:34 school field down the street with me, even though it was Sunday, because I
486:35 even though it was Sunday, because I wanted to test myself.
486:38 wanted to test myself. And so far, so good. I have a full-scale
486:42 And so far, so good. I have a full-scale offensive plan that is guaranteed to get
486:44 offensive plan that is guaranteed to get me in the door. I informed him, so ready
486:47 me in the door. I informed him, so ready to go hard with this. A brilliant,
486:49 to go hard with this. A brilliant, carefully crafted plan that is
486:51 carefully crafted plan that is failproof.
486:53 failproof. He dropped back down and held out his
486:55 He dropped back down and held out his glove. Sounds stupid. You sounds stupid.
487:00 glove. Sounds stupid. You sounds stupid. I flipped the ball, running my index
487:02 I flipped the ball, running my index finger along the seam before taking a
487:03 finger along the seam before taking a deep breath. Seriously, you're going to
487:06 deep breath. Seriously, you're going to try too hard. The thing is, I know Liz
487:09 try too hard. The thing is, I know Liz because we grew up together, I said
487:12 because we grew up together, I said before winding up and letting loose with
487:14 before winding up and letting loose with a fast ball. I know what she likes and
487:16 a fast ball. I know what she likes and how she thinks because I've known her
487:19 how she thinks because I've known her since kindergarten. And I know that if I
487:22 since kindergarten. And I know that if I go big on the romantic gestures, it's
487:24 go big on the romantic gestures, it's only a matter of time before she goes
487:26 only a matter of time before she goes out with me. "Dude," he said, dropping
487:29 out with me. "Dude," he said, dropping the ball he'd caught and holding out his
487:31 the ball he'd caught and holding out his glove to catch another. "She must have
487:33 glove to catch another. "She must have changed since you knew her, because no
487:35 changed since you knew her, because no way would Bxy like that romantic
487:37 way would Bxy like that romantic bullshit."
487:38 bullshit." I threw hard, relishing the smack of the
487:41 I threw hard, relishing the smack of the ball-hitting mixed glove. And though he
487:43 ball-hitting mixed glove. And though he might have a point, obviously we'd both
487:45 might have a point, obviously we'd both changed over the course of two years, I
487:48 changed over the course of two years, I was confident her romantic side was
487:50 was confident her romantic side was still alive and kicking, just buried
487:52 still alive and kicking, just buried underneath the surface. "No offense," I
487:55 underneath the surface. "No offense," I said as I grabbed another ball. "But I
487:57 said as I grabbed another ball. "But I know what I'm doing." "My apologies," he
488:01 know what I'm doing." "My apologies," he said, sounding anything but sorry. "So
488:04 said, sounding anything but sorry. "So tell me about this brilliant plan,
488:05 tell me about this brilliant plan, Einstein." I threw a curveball, watching
488:08 Einstein." I threw a curveball, watching it drop over the plate. For starters,
488:12 it drop over the plate. For starters, I'm going to need to borrow your car
488:13 I'm going to need to borrow your car tomorrow night. No way, he said as he
488:16 tomorrow night. No way, he said as he caught it. I'll drive you somewhere, but
488:18 caught it. I'll drive you somewhere, but no one borrows Alice. Do I want to know
488:21 no one borrows Alice. Do I want to know why your car has an old lady name? Don't
488:24 why your car has an old lady name? Don't bismerch my ride, you dick. He pushed up
488:27 bismerch my ride, you dick. He pushed up his mask. Where do you need to go? I
488:31 his mask. Where do you need to go? I started telling him my plan, the perfect
488:33 started telling him my plan, the perfect romantic plan to sweep Liz off her feet,
488:36 romantic plan to sweep Liz off her feet, and he started laughing again. hard, as
488:39 and he started laughing again. hard, as in so hard that he couldn't stay upright
488:41 in so hard that he couldn't stay upright and ended up sitting on his ass in the
488:43 and ended up sitting on his ass in the dirt, cracking up. "You're an asshole,"
488:47 dirt, cracking up. "You're an asshole," I said, even though I was laughing, too.
488:50 I said, even though I was laughing, too. "An [ __ ] who can't wait to drive you
488:52 "An [ __ ] who can't wait to drive you to Liz's," he said, wiping his eyes.
488:55 to Liz's," he said, wiping his eyes. "This is going to be the most
488:56 "This is going to be the most entertaining spectacle I've ever
488:58 entertaining spectacle I've ever witnessed." I flipped him off unfazed
489:01 witnessed." I flipped him off unfazed because I had confidence.
489:04 because I had confidence. I didn't know much, but I knew Liz. I
489:08 I didn't know much, but I knew Liz. I knew if I was ever going to have a
489:09 knew if I was ever going to have a chance at getting her back, I needed to
489:11 chance at getting her back, I needed to apologize and show her that I could
489:13 apologize and show her that I could still be the guy she fell in love with 2
489:15 still be the guy she fell in love with 2 years ago. That I was the same guy. And
489:18 years ago. That I was the same guy. And what better way to apologize to
489:20 what better way to apologize to Elizabeth Bucksbomb than with hundreds
489:22 Elizabeth Bucksbomb than with hundreds of flowers?
489:24 of flowers? I mean, did I discover the following day
489:26 I mean, did I discover the following day that 200 daisies were a hell of a lot
489:28 that 200 daisies were a hell of a lot more than I'd pictured? Yes. Did I look
489:32 more than I'd pictured? Yes. Did I look like an idiot wheeling a cart
489:33 like an idiot wheeling a cart overflowing with flowers down Gaye
489:35 overflowing with flowers down Gaye Avenue? Also, yes. But I didn't care
489:39 Avenue? Also, yes. But I didn't care because I knew it would work. It
489:41 because I knew it would work. It wouldn't win her over, but it would work
489:44 wouldn't win her over, but it would work to soften her. It had to work. "How the
489:48 to soften her. It had to work. "How the hell do you think we're going to fit
489:49 hell do you think we're going to fit those in here?" Mick yelled, getting out
489:51 those in here?" Mick yelled, getting out and coming around the back of his Mazda.
489:53 and coming around the back of his Mazda. "Pop the trunk. We're going to jam them
489:55 "Pop the trunk. We're going to jam them in," I said. "Won't that crush them?" I
489:59 in," I said. "Won't that crush them?" I only need the pedals, I said, gesturing
490:02 only need the pedals, I said, gesturing for him to open the trunk. So, it's fine
490:04 for him to open the trunk. So, it's fine for them to get smooshed.
490:07 for them to get smooshed. You've officially lost it, he laughed,
490:09 You've officially lost it, he laughed, reaching into the cart and grabbing an
490:11 reaching into the cart and grabbing an armful of daisies.
490:13 armful of daisies. After getting the flowers crammed in the
490:15 After getting the flowers crammed in the trunk, we had to stop at two different
490:17 trunk, we had to stop at two different dollar stores for a crap ton of candles.
490:20 dollar stores for a crap ton of candles. They didn't have enough at the first
490:21 They didn't have enough at the first one. And by the time we got back to the
490:24 one. And by the time we got back to the dorms, he notified Wade, Eli, and AJ,
490:27 dorms, he notified Wade, Eli, and AJ, who were all waiting in my room with
490:28 who were all waiting in my room with cameras and mockery. "Well, would you
490:31 cameras and mockery. "Well, would you look at little Wessie?" Wade yelled as I
490:34 look at little Wessie?" Wade yelled as I came inside and dropped a few bunches of
490:36 came inside and dropped a few bunches of flowers onto the table. "Is he the
490:38 flowers onto the table. "Is he the sweetest or what?" "Screw you," I said,
490:42 sweetest or what?" "Screw you," I said, going back out to get more flowers. "I
490:45 going back out to get more flowers. "I can't believe this is for Buxy," Eli
490:47 can't believe this is for Buxy," Eli said, shaking his head. Where are you
490:50 said, shaking his head. Where are you going to put all those things? Bend over
490:52 going to put all those things? Bend over and I'll show you. I said, quoting Clark
490:55 and I'll show you. I said, quoting Clark Griswald as I hold in the rest of the
490:57 Griswald as I hold in the rest of the daisies. It's like a prom posal up in
491:00 daisies. It's like a prom posal up in here. I heard Wade say to AJ. I can't
491:03 here. I heard Wade say to AJ. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I couldn't
491:06 believe what I'm seeing. I couldn't either, to be honest. But the joke was
491:08 either, to be honest. But the joke was on them because I didn't give a damn. I
491:11 on them because I didn't give a damn. I was bringing everything I had and
491:13 was bringing everything I had and leaving it all on the field or on the
491:16 leaving it all on the field or on the balcony in this instance.
491:19 balcony in this instance. Once I'd unloaded all the daisies, I put
491:21 Once I'd unloaded all the daisies, I put on headphones and cranked the playlist
491:23 on headphones and cranked the playlist Liz made for me after prom as I sat on
491:25 Liz made for me after prom as I sat on the floor and started plucking pedals.
491:28 the floor and started plucking pedals. Feel you now was suddenly like my
491:30 Feel you now was suddenly like my crafting pumpup music. And it also
491:32 crafting pumpup music. And it also served to tune out my friends who were
491:35 served to tune out my friends who were taking photos as I worked and calling me
491:37 taking photos as I worked and calling me sweetheart.
491:39 sweetheart. They promised not to post them until
491:41 They promised not to post them until after I swept her off her feet, so it
491:43 after I swept her off her feet, so it was fine. By the time I was done, I had
491:46 was fine. By the time I was done, I had a few gallonsized baggies full of white
491:48 a few gallonsized baggies full of white pedals, a few gallonsized baggies full
491:50 pedals, a few gallonsized baggies full of yellow petals, marker stained
491:53 of yellow petals, marker stained fingers, and a stomach full of nerves.
491:56 fingers, and a stomach full of nerves. So, yeah, I was ready. Once it was dark
492:01 So, yeah, I was ready. Once it was dark outside, I loaded everything except the
492:03 outside, I loaded everything except the bouquet of hot pink Gerber daisies into
492:06 bouquet of hot pink Gerber daisies into my biggest backpack. And Mick drove me
492:09 my biggest backpack. And Mick drove me to Liz's apartment building. I knew
492:11 to Liz's apartment building. I knew exactly which balcony was theirs. I'd
492:14 exactly which balcony was theirs. I'd staked it out with Mick on the way to
492:15 staked it out with Mick on the way to Flowers, and I also knew it was an easy
492:18 Flowers, and I also knew it was an easy climb up to the second floor. Thank God
492:21 climb up to the second floor. Thank God the fancy building had garden level
492:23 the fancy building had garden level apartments because that meant the second
492:25 apartments because that meant the second floor wasn't so high that I was risking
492:27 floor wasn't so high that I was risking my life. I was merely risking broken
492:30 my life. I was merely risking broken bones.
492:32 bones. AJ had a class with Campbell apparently,
492:34 AJ had a class with Campbell apparently, so he helped me out by texting, "I need
492:37 so he helped me out by texting, "I need a favor, no questions asked." To which
492:39 a favor, no questions asked." To which Campbell responded, "Tell me what I'm
492:42 Campbell responded, "Tell me what I'm doing." She'd agreed to make sure Liz's
492:44 doing." She'd agreed to make sure Liz's drapes would be closed while I worked.
492:46 drapes would be closed while I worked. And then as soon as I finished, Liz
492:48 And then as soon as I finished, Liz would be sent out onto the balcony,
492:50 would be sent out onto the balcony, wherein she would see my display. Then
492:53 wherein she would see my display. Then she'd looked down and see me standing
492:55 she'd looked down and see me standing below with my Love Actually knockoff
492:57 below with my Love Actually knockoff posters. My Sharpie words weren't
493:00 posters. My Sharpie words weren't necessarily romcom worthy sentiments,
493:02 necessarily romcom worthy sentiments, but I felt like they were us, and I
493:05 but I felt like they were us, and I wanted to make her soften more than I
493:06 wanted to make her soften more than I wanted to breathe. Mick parked the car,
493:09 wanted to breathe. Mick parked the car, so I strapped on the backpack and
493:11 so I strapped on the backpack and grabbed the bouquet. "You sure about
493:13 grabbed the bouquet. "You sure about this, Bennett?" he asked, half smiling
493:16 this, Bennett?" he asked, half smiling like he still couldn't believe I was
493:17 like he still couldn't believe I was doing it. "Yes," I said. "You can take
493:21 doing it. "Yes," I said. "You can take off." "And thanks, by the way. And you
493:25 off." "And thanks, by the way. And you don't want me to stay?" He eyeballed me
493:28 don't want me to stay?" He eyeballed me like I was making a big mistake. "Just
493:31 like I was making a big mistake. "Just in case uh anything goes wrong." Nah,
493:35 in case uh anything goes wrong." Nah, I'm good, I said, hoping that was true,
493:39 I'm good, I said, hoping that was true, hoping she'd let me in after the big
493:40 hoping she'd let me in after the big moment so he could talk and I could
493:42 moment so he could talk and I could apologize.
493:43 apologize. Okay, then. He gave me a little smile
493:46 Okay, then. He gave me a little smile and said, "Good luck, man." I watched
493:50 and said, "Good luck, man." I watched him pull away and then it hit me that it
493:53 him pull away and then it hit me that it was a little nerve-wracking actually
493:55 was a little nerve-wracking actually doing it. The back of the building was
493:57 doing it. The back of the building was dark and quiet, like everyone had
493:59 dark and quiet, like everyone had already gone to bed, and I sincerely
494:02 already gone to bed, and I sincerely hoped I wouldn't die, get my ass kicked,
494:04 hoped I wouldn't die, get my ass kicked, or get mauled by an angry Rottweiler.
494:07 or get mauled by an angry Rottweiler. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy
494:09 Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy on the garden floor of the other
494:11 on the garden floor of the other building doing something outside his
494:13 building doing something outside his sunken patio. "Go to bed, dude." He
494:16 sunken patio. "Go to bed, dude." He looked like he was watering plants,
494:18 looked like he was watering plants, maybe. He seemed focused on his work,
494:21 maybe. He seemed focused on his work, unaware of my presence. So hopefully he
494:24 unaware of my presence. So hopefully he stayed on task and didn't notice the
494:25 stayed on task and didn't notice the [ __ ] scaling the building next to his.
494:28 [ __ ] scaling the building next to his. I looked up at Liz's balcony. O, it
494:32 I looked up at Liz's balcony. O, it definitely looked higher when you were
494:33 definitely looked higher when you were about to climb up to it. I took a deep
494:36 about to climb up to it. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, then got
494:39 breath, said a little prayer, then got to work. I walked over to the garden
494:42 to work. I walked over to the garden apartment that was below Liz's, and
494:44 apartment that was below Liz's, and stepped on the railing. My shoe made a
494:46 stepped on the railing. My shoe made a noise, the ring of hollow rot iron being
494:49 noise, the ring of hollow rot iron being kicked, and I quickly grabbed the gutter
494:51 kicked, and I quickly grabbed the gutter and stepped onto the limestone that
494:52 and stepped onto the limestone that jutted out from the building's facade.
494:55 jutted out from the building's facade. I definitely didn't want to linger in
494:57 I definitely didn't want to linger in front of someone's balcony after dark
494:59 front of someone's balcony after dark and get accused of being a peeping tom
495:02 and get accused of being a peeping tom or worse. What the? I glanced down when
495:06 or worse. What the? I glanced down when I heard those words, but I couldn't see
495:08 I heard those words, but I couldn't see anyone. So hopefully that was just the
495:10 anyone. So hopefully that was just the sound of someone talking inside their
495:12 sound of someone talking inside their apartment with the window open. My heart
495:14 apartment with the window open. My heart started pounding as I climbed farther up
495:16 started pounding as I climbed farther up the limestone, using the gutter for
495:18 the limestone, using the gutter for balance. When I got close enough to kick
495:21 balance. When I got close enough to kick a leg out onto Liz's balcony, I damn
495:23 a leg out onto Liz's balcony, I damn near had a heart attack when I looked
495:25 near had a heart attack when I looked below because I'd miscalculated.
495:28 below because I'd miscalculated. I was definitely high enough to fall to
495:30 I was definitely high enough to fall to my death. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I threw my
495:34 my death. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I threw my weight over and landed on her balcony a
495:37 weight over and landed on her balcony a little harder than I would have liked,
495:39 little harder than I would have liked, but thankfully it had a concrete pad
495:41 but thankfully it had a concrete pad that absorbed the sound. pulse pounding,
495:44 that absorbed the sound. pulse pounding, I took off the backpack, unzipped it,
495:46 I took off the backpack, unzipped it, and started getting busy. I set out the
495:49 and started getting busy. I set out the candles one by one, lining them up to
495:52 candles one by one, lining them up to form a heart, and then a larger heart
495:53 form a heart, and then a larger heart around it. Once I finished that, I
495:56 around it. Once I finished that, I opened the daisy petals and sprinkled
495:57 opened the daisy petals and sprinkled the white inside the smaller heart and
495:59 the white inside the smaller heart and the yellow inside the bigger heart. I
496:02 the yellow inside the bigger heart. I stood back to look, and dear Lord, it
496:05 stood back to look, and dear Lord, it looked good. "Liz will love this," I
496:08 looked good. "Liz will love this," I thought as I took a quick photo and put
496:10 thought as I took a quick photo and put my phone away.
496:11 my phone away. The nerves were still there, but now
496:13 The nerves were still there, but now they were joined by excitement. It's
496:16 they were joined by excitement. It's going to work. I pulled the big lighter
496:19 going to work. I pulled the big lighter from the backpack, leaned down, and
496:21 from the backpack, leaned down, and started lighting the votives, which
496:23 started lighting the votives, which looked amazing in the darkness. What are
496:26 looked amazing in the darkness. What are you doing up there?
496:28 you doing up there? [ __ ]
496:30 [ __ ] I glanced down and the guy from the
496:32 I glanced down and the guy from the garden level was looking up at me from
496:33 garden level was looking up at me from below with a scowl on his face and
496:36 below with a scowl on his face and something in his hand. Is that a hose?
496:39 something in his hand. Is that a hose? It was too dark to tell from where I
496:41 It was too dark to tell from where I was. "Sh," I said, holding up my hand.
496:45 was. "Sh," I said, holding up my hand. "He's trying to start a fire," the guy
496:48 "He's trying to start a fire," the guy yelled, and I realized the lighter was
496:50 yelled, and I realized the lighter was in my hand, the orange tip flickering in
496:52 in my hand, the orange tip flickering in the dark. "No, I'm not." I released the
496:55 the dark. "No, I'm not." I released the button on the lighter, trying to yell
496:57 button on the lighter, trying to yell down at the guy while also being quiet.
497:00 down at the guy while also being quiet. Something with a motor was humming now,
497:02 Something with a motor was humming now, so I felt like he couldn't hear me, but
497:04 so I felt like he couldn't hear me, but I also didn't want to alert Liz to my
497:06 I also didn't want to alert Liz to my presence. Christ, I'm My words were
497:09 presence. Christ, I'm My words were stopped by his pressure washer. His
497:12 stopped by his pressure washer. His [ __ ] pressure washer. That was the
497:15 [ __ ] pressure washer. That was the humming.
497:16 humming. The guy pointed up with his pressure
497:18 The guy pointed up with his pressure washer and sprayed me, the deck, the
497:20 washer and sprayed me, the deck, the candles. [ __ ]
497:23 candles. [ __ ] It was nearly impossible for me to see
497:25 It was nearly impossible for me to see as he exfoliated my [ __ ] head. But
497:28 as he exfoliated my [ __ ] head. But that highressured water wiped out the
497:30 that highressured water wiped out the flower petals and blew out the candles.
497:32 flower petals and blew out the candles. "Will you stop it?" I whisper yelled,
497:35 "Will you stop it?" I whisper yelled, trying to see while getting my face
497:37 trying to see while getting my face waterboarded by a [ __ ] with a
497:38 waterboarded by a [ __ ] with a pressure hose. I stumbled, kicking over
497:41 pressure hose. I stumbled, kicking over candles, trying to shield my eyes with
497:44 candles, trying to shield my eyes with my hand as I said, I'm not trying to
497:47 my hand as I said, I'm not trying to What's going on? A woman appeared beside
497:50 What's going on? A woman appeared beside him, squinting up at the balcony while
497:52 him, squinting up at the balcony while holding out her phone. "Is there another
497:55 holding out her phone. "Is there another possum?" "There's an arsonist!" he
497:57 possum?" "There's an arsonist!" he yelled. "Yeah, I was pretty sure I was
498:00 yelled. "Yeah, I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack as my entire body
498:02 having a heart attack as my entire body went numb. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] This was
498:06 went numb. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] This was not going the way I had imagined. I had
498:08 not going the way I had imagined. I had imagined falling to my death, but hadn't
498:11 imagined falling to my death, but hadn't imagined getting fingered for arson.
498:14 imagined getting fingered for arson. I needed to get the hell out of there.
498:16 I needed to get the hell out of there. House on fire. Smartass mental playlist
498:19 House on fire. Smartass mental playlist [ __ ] Screamed through my head as I
498:21 [ __ ] Screamed through my head as I threw my backpack over one shoulder,
498:23 threw my backpack over one shoulder, climbed over to the gutter, and turned
498:25 climbed over to the gutter, and turned sideways so I was partially hidden by
498:27 sideways so I was partially hidden by the corner of the building. It was no
498:30 the corner of the building. It was no use, though, because they were staring
498:31 use, though, because they were staring at me. She was filming for the love of
498:34 at me. She was filming for the love of God as I navigated that gutter like I
498:36 God as I navigated that gutter like I actually was a possum. The building had
498:39 actually was a possum. The building had a security light that was serving as my
498:41 a security light that was serving as my spotlight and I wasn't sure how this
498:43 spotlight and I wasn't sure how this could get much worse. But then my foot
498:45 could get much worse. But then my foot slipped. My foot slipped and I started
498:48 slipped. My foot slipped and I started falling. Thankfully, I landed in an
498:51 falling. Thankfully, I landed in an overgrown bush so I didn't die. But my
498:54 overgrown bush so I didn't die. But my ankle killed as I scrambled to my feet
498:56 ankle killed as I scrambled to my feet and started sprinting down the street,
498:59 and started sprinting down the street, running away like the criminal I was. I
499:02 running away like the criminal I was. I didn't stop for at least three blocks,
499:04 didn't stop for at least three blocks, hop running on a wrecked ankle until I
499:06 hop running on a wrecked ankle until I hit a busy intersection where I felt
499:08 hit a busy intersection where I felt safe enough to call Mick to come pick me
499:09 safe enough to call Mick to come pick me up. By the time he got there, my ankle
499:12 up. By the time he got there, my ankle had swelled to an ugly size. "Thanks for
499:15 had swelled to an ugly size. "Thanks for coming, man," I said, opening his
499:18 coming, man," I said, opening his passenger door. "What the hell happened
499:20 passenger door. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked, his eyes huge as he
499:23 to you?" he asked, his eyes huge as he looked at my ankle, the scratches all
499:25 looked at my ankle, the scratches all over my legs from the bush's thorns, my
499:28 over my legs from the bush's thorns, my wet clothes, and my soaked hair. You
499:30 wet clothes, and my soaked hair. You wouldn't believe it, I said, climbing
499:33 wouldn't believe it, I said, climbing inside and shutting the door. Did Liz do
499:36 inside and shutting the door. Did Liz do this to you? He asked, turning down the
499:38 this to you? He asked, turning down the radio. No, I said, but I have a feeling
499:42 radio. No, I said, but I have a feeling she would have enjoyed the spectacle.
499:45 she would have enjoyed the spectacle. I was in a crap mood for the rest of the
499:46 I was in a crap mood for the rest of the night after my plan imploded. But I
499:49 night after my plan imploded. But I realized, as the guys mocked me
499:50 realized, as the guys mocked me incessantly for being a lovesick [ __ ]
499:53 incessantly for being a lovesick [ __ ] that it was nice to fail with friends.
499:56 that it was nice to fail with friends. After a couple years of being alone
499:58 After a couple years of being alone while also being proverbally pressure
500:00 while also being proverbally pressure washed by life, it sucked a little less
500:02 washed by life, it sucked a little less when you had friends to mock you for it.
500:05 when you had friends to mock you for it. The next morning, after I finished
500:07 The next morning, after I finished lifting and getting chewed out by
500:09 lifting and getting chewed out by multiple coaches for screwing around and
500:11 multiple coaches for screwing around and spraining my ankle and was headed for
500:13 spraining my ankle and was headed for the exit, I saw her. I'd never be sure
500:18 the exit, I saw her. I'd never be sure if she was my type. Have I always had a
500:20 if she was my type. Have I always had a fondness for red heads with green eyes?
500:23 fondness for red heads with green eyes? Or if she created my type?
500:26 Or if she created my type? She was the prototype.
500:28 She was the prototype. There was only her. She was walking
500:31 There was only her. She was walking toward the door, her eyes on her phone,
500:33 toward the door, her eyes on her phone, and she almost ran into me. And I
500:36 and she almost ran into me. And I totally would have let her. Run me down,
500:39 totally would have let her. Run me down, Lib. She sort of glanced up, muttering,
500:42 Lib. She sort of glanced up, muttering, "Excuse me." under her breath. But then
500:45 "Excuse me." under her breath. But then her eyes snapped to focus on me. "In a
500:48 her eyes snapped to focus on me. "In a hurry, Lib," I said, my hand slightly
500:51 hurry, Lib," I said, my hand slightly brushing over her arm to steady her so
500:53 brushing over her arm to steady her so she didn't stumble. Yeah, she said,
500:56 she didn't stumble. Yeah, she said, looking like she had a lot of thoughts
500:58 looking like she had a lot of thoughts running around in her head. She had a
501:00 running around in her head. She had a crinkle between her eyebrows, and I
501:02 crinkle between her eyebrows, and I wondered what she knew about my epic
501:04 wondered what she knew about my epic fail last night. Did she know anything
501:07 fail last night. Did she know anything at all, or had she not even opened her
501:09 at all, or had she not even opened her blind since I'd taken a dive off the
501:11 blind since I'd taken a dive off the building? I didn't know, but I didn't
501:14 building? I didn't know, but I didn't want to. See you later, then, I said,
501:18 want to. See you later, then, I said, walking toward the door. The entire
501:20 walking toward the door. The entire exchange had lasted 3 seconds. Four max.
501:24 exchange had lasted 3 seconds. Four max. So why did I feel so alive? Like the
501:27 So why did I feel so alive? Like the world was spinning faster now that we'd
501:28 world was spinning faster now that we'd had contact. Wes, wait. Any other time
501:33 had contact. Wes, wait. Any other time the sound of Liz calling me back would
501:35 the sound of Liz calling me back would have made me ecstatic. But I just knew
501:38 have made me ecstatic. But I just knew this couldn't be good. Yeah, I said
501:41 this couldn't be good. Yeah, I said casually as if last night hadn't
501:43 casually as if last night hadn't happened. How does she have such perfect
501:46 happened. How does she have such perfect lips?
501:47 lips? She looked down at my wrapped ankle.
501:50 She looked down at my wrapped ankle. "What happened to your ankle?" "What do
501:52 "What happened to your ankle?" "What do you mean?" I asked. "That's brilliant,
501:56 you mean?" I asked. "That's brilliant, you dipshit." "It's wrapped," she said,
501:59 you dipshit." "It's wrapped," she said, her green eyes full of calling me out as
502:01 her green eyes full of calling me out as she looked up at me. "Had she gotten
502:04 she looked up at me. "Had she gotten shorter, or had I grown?" "It was a
502:07 shorter, or had I grown?" "It was a ludicrous thought, but the way we fit
502:09 ludicrous thought, but the way we fit was second nature to me, like memory
502:12 was second nature to me, like memory foam, and her head was tilted back a
502:15 foam, and her head was tilted back a fraction more than it used to be.
502:17 fraction more than it used to be. Did you injure yourself?
502:20 Did you injure yourself? Hell, yes, I'd injured myself. But what
502:22 Hell, yes, I'd injured myself. But what was I supposed to say? What does she
502:25 was I supposed to say? What does she know?
502:26 know? I fell, I said lamely, shrugging like it
502:30 I fell, I said lamely, shrugging like it was a common occurrence for me to just
502:32 was a common occurrence for me to just [ __ ] fall on the regular. Yeah, she
502:35 [ __ ] fall on the regular. Yeah, she said, narrowing her eyes. It seems like
502:38 said, narrowing her eyes. It seems like there's a lot of that going around. Last
502:41 there's a lot of that going around. Last night, the weirdest thing happened at my
502:42 night, the weirdest thing happened at my apartment. Here it comes. Really? Yeah,
502:48 apartment. Here it comes. Really? Yeah, she said, rubbing her lips together as
502:50 she said, rubbing her lips together as she looked up at me. So, our crazy
502:53 she looked up at me. So, our crazy neighbor came to the door and said there
502:55 neighbor came to the door and said there was someone on our balcony trying to
502:57 was someone on our balcony trying to start a fire. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] No [ __ ]
503:03 start a fire. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] No [ __ ] She tilted her head, her eyes still
503:05 She tilted her head, her eyes still accusing me. No [ __ ] There was no one
503:08 accusing me. No [ __ ] There was no one out there, and this guy is kind of known
503:10 out there, and this guy is kind of known as bonkers anyway, right? There was no
503:14 as bonkers anyway, right? There was no way she didn't know, right? I mean, was
503:19 way she didn't know, right? I mean, was there a chance she was just telling me
503:21 there a chance she was just telling me about it and had no idea it was me? No
503:24 about it and had no idea it was me? No way could I be that lucky. But then
503:28 way could I be that lucky. But then Bonker's wife says she has a video.
503:31 Bonker's wife says she has a video. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
503:35 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, really. She bit down on her lip and I
503:39 really. She bit down on her lip and I swear to God it looked like she wanted
503:40 swear to God it looked like she wanted to smile when she said, "Really? It's a
503:44 to smile when she said, "Really? It's a video of some guy falling off the
503:45 video of some guy falling off the gutter." She knew. I knew she knew. Yet
503:49 gutter." She knew. I knew she knew. Yet I still said weird. Her lips turned up
503:53 I still said weird. Her lips turned up into a tiny grin and she shook her head.
503:57 into a tiny grin and she shook her head. What's even weirder is that he looks
503:59 What's even weirder is that he looks young, like my age, and he's got a
504:02 young, like my age, and he's got a Bruins baseball bag strapped to his
504:04 Bruins baseball bag strapped to his back.
504:05 back. That is weird. Come on. Maybe he was
504:10 That is weird. Come on. Maybe he was trying to pull off some amazing romantic
504:13 trying to pull off some amazing romantic gesture.
504:15 gesture. Maybe he was acting like an immature
504:17 Maybe he was acting like an immature jackass, she said, the smile
504:20 jackass, she said, the smile disappearing.
504:21 disappearing. I would think that you would appreciate
504:23 I would think that you would appreciate the romantic angle, I said, breathing in
504:26 the romantic angle, I said, breathing in the smell of her perfume as I realized
504:29 the smell of her perfume as I realized this plan might be more challenging than
504:31 this plan might be more challenging than I thought. Little Liz loved that stuff.
504:34 I thought. Little Liz loved that stuff. Little Liz has been gone a long time,"
504:37 Little Liz has been gone a long time," she said, breaking my heart with those
504:39 she said, breaking my heart with those words as she cleared her throat and
504:42 words as she cleared her throat and readjusted the bag on her shoulder. I
504:44 readjusted the bag on her shoulder. I just hope that guy learned his lesson
504:46 just hope that guy learned his lesson before someone gets hurt. I stepped
504:49 before someone gets hurt. I stepped closer so she filled the space between
504:51 closer so she filled the space between my body and the wall as I lowered my
504:53 my body and the wall as I lowered my head so my mouth was closer to her ear.
504:56 head so my mouth was closer to her ear. Aosta was loud as hell and I needed her
504:59 Aosta was loud as hell and I needed her to hear me when I said, "You know, I
505:02 to hear me when I said, "You know, I don't think he gives a [ __ ] Lib,
505:05 don't think he gives a [ __ ] Lib, because everyone's already been her.
505:07 because everyone's already been her. He's got nothing to lose and everything
505:10 He's got nothing to lose and everything he's always wanted to gain. So, you
505:12 he's always wanted to gain. So, you should probably brace yourself." She
505:15 should probably brace yourself." She turned her head a fraction, so her eyes
505:17 turned her head a fraction, so her eyes were on mine. "Brace myself?" she asked,
505:21 were on mine. "Brace myself?" she asked, trying to sound bored. But the
505:23 trying to sound bored. But the breathiness of her voice gave her away
505:25 breathiness of her voice gave her away when she said, "For what exactly?"
505:29 when she said, "For what exactly?" I looked into those green eyes and said,
505:32 I looked into those green eyes and said, "The hard press."
505:42 Chapter 32. I'm glad he's single because I'm going
505:44 I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
505:47 to climb that like a tree. bridesmaids.
505:50 bridesmaids. Liz,
505:52 Liz, the hard press.
505:55 the hard press. Why couldn't I stop thinking about what
505:57 Why couldn't I stop thinking about what he'd said? About the way he had said it.
506:01 he'd said? About the way he had said it. You should probably brace yourself.
506:04 You should probably brace yourself. It had been hours since he said it, and
506:06 It had been hours since he said it, and I was still blushing and butterflying
506:08 I was still blushing and butterflying like the moment had just passed.
506:11 like the moment had just passed. "So, Liz," Wade said, grinning. Anything
506:16 "So, Liz," Wade said, grinning. Anything interesting happened on your balcony
506:18 interesting happened on your balcony last night?
506:20 last night? I lowered the camera. You know about
506:23 I lowered the camera. You know about that?
506:25 that? A bunch of the guys were hooping at the
506:27 A bunch of the guys were hooping at the courts behind Hitch, so Clark and I were
506:29 courts behind Hitch, so Clark and I were filming, although Clark was way on the
506:32 filming, although Clark was way on the other end. Mickey was dribbling the
506:35 other end. Mickey was dribbling the basketball, giving me a stupid smile.
506:38 basketball, giving me a stupid smile. While Eli and Wade laughed knowingly
506:40 While Eli and Wade laughed knowingly from the lane, like they had the keys to
506:42 from the lane, like they had the keys to the vault or something. I still didn't
506:44 the vault or something. I still didn't know the specifics of what exactly Wes
506:46 know the specifics of what exactly Wes had been doing out there, and I was
506:49 had been doing out there, and I was dying to find out. Shut up, man, Mickey
506:53 dying to find out. Shut up, man, Mickey said. But he was still beaming when he
506:56 said. But he was still beaming when he said. Just because he's not here doesn't
506:59 said. Just because he's not here doesn't mean we should. It's not a secret,
507:01 mean we should. It's not a secret, though. Wade interrupted, reaching in
507:04 though. Wade interrupted, reaching in and stealing the ball. He saw us taking
507:07 and stealing the ball. He saw us taking pictures and only said to shut up until
507:09 pictures and only said to shut up until after he was done. He never asked us to
507:12 after he was done. He never asked us to be silent forever.
507:14 be silent forever. True,
507:15 True, >> Eli said. Will you please fill me in? I
507:19 >> Eli said. Will you please fill me in? I snapped. All I know is that he climbed
507:22 snapped. All I know is that he climbed onto the balcony and then fell off the
507:24 onto the balcony and then fell off the building into a rose bush. Wade
507:27 building into a rose bush. Wade volunteered, looking like he was
507:30 volunteered, looking like he was thoroughly enjoying the spilling of this
507:32 thoroughly enjoying the spilling of this tea as he drove the lane. "Like an
507:35 tea as he drove the lane. "Like an idiot." "Stop,"
507:37 idiot." "Stop," Mickey said, putting up a hand but
507:40 Mickey said, putting up a hand but failing to get the block as Wade's shot
507:41 failing to get the block as Wade's shot went in.
507:43 went in. He wasn't trying to be an idiot, Liz. He
507:46 He wasn't trying to be an idiot, Liz. He wants to ask you out, and he thought
507:48 wants to ask you out, and he thought that climbing on your balcony and
507:50 that climbing on your balcony and creating a whole romantic scene would
507:51 creating a whole romantic scene would help his chances. "What kind of romantic
507:55 help his chances. "What kind of romantic scene?" I asked, still trying to process
507:58 scene?" I asked, still trying to process the fact that not only had Wes climbed
508:00 the fact that not only had Wes climbed up the side of my building, idiot could
508:02 up the side of my building, idiot could have been killed, but he told his
508:04 have been killed, but he told his friends he was going to do it.
508:07 friends he was going to do it. Like, there was only water and broken
508:09 Like, there was only water and broken glass out there when I saw it.
508:12 glass out there when I saw it. Guys, let me," Eli said, grinning as he
508:16 Guys, let me," Eli said, grinning as he walked off the court toward me, pulling
508:19 walked off the court toward me, pulling out his phone.
508:20 out his phone. "These are photos of Wesley preparing to
508:23 "These are photos of Wesley preparing to woo you."
508:25 woo you." "Why was my heart racing?" I leaned
508:28 "Why was my heart racing?" I leaned closer as he held out the phone, hoping
508:31 closer as he held out the phone, hoping I seemed chill as I looked at the
508:33 I seemed chill as I looked at the display.
508:35 display. This is him coming back from the flower
508:37 This is him coming back from the flower shop, he said, using his finger to flip
508:40 shop, he said, using his finger to flip through multiple pictures of Wes
508:42 through multiple pictures of Wes carrying flowers. God, they were
508:44 carrying flowers. God, they were daisies. Into his suite. He scrolled
508:48 daisies. Into his suite. He scrolled through pictures. It was a lot of
508:51 through pictures. It was a lot of daisies. And I swallowed hard.
508:55 daisies. And I swallowed hard. What the hell, Bennett?
508:58 What the hell, Bennett? Now these are my favorite, he said.
509:02 Now these are my favorite, he said. where he is working hard on his little
509:05 where he is working hard on his little cupidity art project.
509:08 cupidity art project. I leaned even closer, my throat a little
509:11 I leaned even closer, my throat a little tight as I stared at a photo of Wes
509:14 tight as I stared at a photo of Wes sitting on the floor of their suite,
509:16 sitting on the floor of their suite, wearing headphones and bagging up flower
509:18 wearing headphones and bagging up flower petals.
509:20 petals. The lyric from that Abe Parker song, "I
509:23 The lyric from that Abe Parker song, "I miss your stupid face," whispered into
509:25 miss your stupid face," whispered into me as Eli slid his finger across the
509:27 me as Eli slid his finger across the screen, showing another dorm picture of
509:30 screen, showing another dorm picture of Wes, this time writing on poster board
509:32 Wes, this time writing on poster board with a Sharpie. The only word he'd
509:35 with a Sharpie. The only word he'd written at that point was two.
509:39 written at that point was two. What had he written? What the hell had
509:41 What had he written? What the hell had he written? And what had he planned to
509:44 he written? And what had he planned to do with the poster?
509:46 do with the poster? He'd been right. Little Liz would have
509:49 He'd been right. Little Liz would have loved this.
509:50 loved this. Thank God she was long gone.
509:54 Thank God she was long gone. Little Liz can't come to the phone right
509:55 Little Liz can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cuz she's dead.
510:01 now. Why? Oh, cuz she's dead. Okay, don't be an [ __ ] Strauss, Mick
510:04 Okay, don't be an [ __ ] Strauss, Mick said. Then he walked over and said to
510:06 said. Then he walked over and said to me, "The finished product really was
510:09 me, "The finished product really was amazing, even though your neighbor
510:11 amazing, even though your neighbor destroyed it."
510:13 destroyed it." Now he pulled out his phone and held it
510:15 Now he pulled out his phone and held it out to me. And I was pretty sure I
510:18 out to me. And I was pretty sure I didn't look chill at all anymore because
510:22 didn't look chill at all anymore because Wes took a selfie on my balcony. It was
510:25 Wes took a selfie on my balcony. It was my balcony in the picture, but it had
510:28 my balcony in the picture, but it had been absolutely transformed with flowers
510:30 been absolutely transformed with flowers and candles by Wes into something the
510:34 and candles by Wes into something the old me would have loved.
510:37 old me would have loved. Wow. I managed, blinking fast, feeling
510:41 Wow. I managed, blinking fast, feeling unsettled.
510:43 unsettled. That's uh Wow.
510:47 That's uh Wow. So
510:48 So WDE waggled his eyebrows and grinned.
510:52 WDE waggled his eyebrows and grinned. Are you going to go out with him? Like
510:54 Are you going to go out with him? Like I'm going to discuss my personal life
510:56 I'm going to discuss my personal life with you, I said, rolling my eyes as my
511:00 with you, I said, rolling my eyes as my insides rolled with turmoil.
511:03 insides rolled with turmoil. He'd climbed a building to set up
511:05 He'd climbed a building to set up flowers and candles for me.
511:08 flowers and candles for me. What the hell, Bennett?
511:10 What the hell, Bennett? I sounded very detached and turmoil free
511:13 I sounded very detached and turmoil free when I quipped. You can't even remember
511:15 when I quipped. You can't even remember to ask me about Campbell when you're
511:17 to ask me about Campbell when you're sober.
511:19 sober. That made Eli laugh. But Mick wasn't
511:22 That made Eli laugh. But Mick wasn't going to be distracted.
511:24 going to be distracted. Ben's a good guy, though. You should
511:26 Ben's a good guy, though. You should give him a chance.
511:29 give him a chance. Yeah, Bye. Wade agreed. He risked his
511:33 Yeah, Bye. Wade agreed. He risked his life to sweep you off your feet.
511:36 life to sweep you off your feet. Wes chose that moment to appear casually
511:39 Wes chose that moment to appear casually dribbling a basketball, which did
511:42 dribbling a basketball, which did nothing to help my insides
511:45 nothing to help my insides because he was wearing those glasses
511:47 because he was wearing those glasses again. The prick.
511:49 again. The prick. Then he looked over as if sensing our
511:52 Then he looked over as if sensing our conversation. But instead of even
511:54 conversation. But instead of even registering the way his friends were
511:56 registering the way his friends were grinning, his gaze landed on me and he
512:00 grinning, his gaze landed on me and he smiled.
512:02 smiled. It was big and wildly intimate.
512:06 It was big and wildly intimate. The kind of smile that stole the breath
512:08 The kind of smile that stole the breath from my body and my face instantly
512:11 from my body and my face instantly burned.
512:13 burned. "You should go ask him out," Mick said,
512:16 "You should go ask him out," Mick said, sounding excited and totally blow his
512:19 sounding excited and totally blow his mind.
512:21 mind. "I have work to do," I said, grabbing my
512:24 "I have work to do," I said, grabbing my camera and raising it to my eyes. Partly
512:27 camera and raising it to my eyes. Partly because I had work to do and partly
512:30 because I had work to do and partly because I was desperate to cover my face
512:32 because I was desperate to cover my face so no one could see how confused and
512:35 so no one could see how confused and utterly lost I felt all of a sudden.
512:39 utterly lost I felt all of a sudden. Hey Boxy Wade yelled. Can I get
512:42 Hey Boxy Wade yelled. Can I get Campbell's number before you leave?
512:45 Campbell's number before you leave? What?
512:47 What? I lowered the camera and loved that Wade
512:50 I lowered the camera and loved that Wade Brooks looked sincere for once in his
512:52 Brooks looked sincere for once in his life. You seriously want it? I'm
512:56 life. You seriously want it? I'm suddenly inspired by romantic idiots, he
513:00 suddenly inspired by romantic idiots, he said, grinning sheepishly.
513:03 said, grinning sheepishly. What can I say?
513:12 Chapter 33. You can't live a fairy tale.
513:15 You can't live a fairy tale. Kate and Leopold.
513:18 Kate and Leopold. Wes,
513:20 Wes, let me see what the group chat thinks.
513:22 let me see what the group chat thinks. What? I rubbed my forehead and needed to
513:25 What? I rubbed my forehead and needed to ditch my sister. Normally, I look
513:28 ditch my sister. Normally, I look forward to talking to her on the phone,
513:30 forward to talking to her on the phone, but I had a paper to write. "What group
513:32 but I had a paper to write. "What group chat?" She usually only talked about her
513:35 chat?" She usually only talked about her roommate, so it was nice to hear that
513:37 roommate, so it was nice to hear that she had other friends at college. "The
513:39 she had other friends at college. "The one I have with Noah, Adam, and
513:41 one I have with Noah, Adam, and Michael," she said casually. "What?" I
513:45 Michael," she said casually. "What?" I couldn't believe it, but at the same
513:47 couldn't believe it, but at the same time, it made perfect sense. "You guys
513:50 time, it made perfect sense. "You guys have a group chat? add me to the chat
513:53 have a group chat? add me to the chat now. As if, she said, sounding amused by
513:57 now. As if, she said, sounding amused by my discomfort, which was totally on
514:00 my discomfort, which was totally on brand for her. The last thing I want is
514:02 brand for her. The last thing I want is you on there. No offense. What do you
514:05 you on there. No offense. What do you guys talk about? Is it just about me? I
514:08 guys talk about? Is it just about me? I asked, irritated and amused at the same
514:11 asked, irritated and amused at the same time. God, the ego, she said cheekily.
514:16 time. God, the ego, she said cheekily. We rarely talk about you. Actually, I
514:19 We rarely talk about you. Actually, I just like your dumb friends. You know
514:21 just like your dumb friends. You know what? We're going to have a fiveway
514:23 what? We're going to have a fiveway FaceTime group chat right now. Call me
514:26 FaceTime group chat right now. Call me back when everyone's on, I demanded,
514:29 back when everyone's on, I demanded, standing to pace around the room. The
514:31 standing to pace around the room. The rest of my sweetmates weren't home, so
514:33 rest of my sweetmates weren't home, so it was nice and quiet. Oh, God. She
514:36 it was nice and quiet. Oh, God. She laughed, and she was still laughing when
514:38 laughed, and she was still laughing when I disconnected the call. 3 minutes
514:40 I disconnected the call. 3 minutes later, I was looking at the faces of my
514:42 later, I was looking at the faces of my friends on my MacBook. Seriously though,
514:46 friends on my MacBook. Seriously though, dumbest lines in a song ever. Noah was
514:49 dumbest lines in a song ever. Noah was saying, looking disgusted. You know
514:51 saying, looking disgusted. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
514:54 Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Bliten,
514:57 Comet and Cupid and Donner and Bliten, but do you recall the most famous
514:59 but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Like, if you know the
515:02 reindeer of all? Like, if you know the rest of them, obviously you know the
515:04 rest of them, obviously you know the most famous of all of them. Stupid
515:06 most famous of all of them. Stupid freaking question, dude. It's unamerican
515:09 freaking question, dude. It's unamerican to slander Rudolph, you [ __ ] Adam
515:12 to slander Rudolph, you [ __ ] Adam said. Blasphemous. Really? Michael
515:15 said. Blasphemous. Really? Michael agreed. Can you stop being stupid for 5
515:18 agreed. Can you stop being stupid for 5 seconds? Sarah asked them. Why do we
515:21 seconds? Sarah asked them. Why do we have to? Noah replied, obviously
515:24 have to? Noah replied, obviously confused by the change of topic. Because
515:27 confused by the change of topic. Because Wes is wondering if he should push
515:28 Wes is wondering if he should push forward with his plan to romance Liz,
515:31 forward with his plan to romance Liz, Sarah said, smiling like I was a toddler
515:34 Sarah said, smiling like I was a toddler who amused her with my nonsensical
515:36 who amused her with my nonsensical adorability, or if he should pump the
515:38 adorability, or if he should pump the brakes since his first attempt didn't
515:40 brakes since his first attempt didn't work.
515:41 work. pump," Noah said without pause. "It's
515:44 pump," Noah said without pause. "It's not going to work." "It is too," Sarah
515:48 not going to work." "It is too," Sarah said defensively. "You don't know." Jos
515:51 said defensively. "You don't know." Jos said Liz was super pissed about Wes's
515:53 said Liz was super pissed about Wes's whole I didn't cheat confession. He
515:56 whole I didn't cheat confession. He argued there is no way she's going to
515:58 argued there is no way she's going to find cheesy romance from him to be
516:01 find cheesy romance from him to be charming. I said, "Well, I Yeah, but Liz
516:07 charming. I said, "Well, I Yeah, but Liz is Liz." Adam interrupted knowingly like
516:10 is Liz." Adam interrupted knowingly like he had it all figured out. She loves
516:13 he had it all figured out. She loves that stuff, right? Not anymore, Noah
516:17 that stuff, right? Not anymore, Noah said. According to Joss, she's like
516:20 said. According to Joss, she's like anti-romance now. [ __ ] I said. Have
516:25 anti-romance now. [ __ ] I said. Have to myself because I refuse to believe
516:27 to myself because I refuse to believe that. Regardless, he needs to try. My
516:31 that. Regardless, he needs to try. My sister said, "What does he have to
516:33 sister said, "What does he have to lose?" My phone buzzed and the last
516:36 lose?" My phone buzzed and the last thing I expected to see was a text from
516:38 thing I expected to see was a text from Liz. Liz, I have a question for you. I
516:43 Liz. Liz, I have a question for you. I have never texted as quickly as I
516:45 have never texted as quickly as I texted. Continue. Who are you texting?
516:49 texted. Continue. Who are you texting? Sarah asked forever nosy. Liz, so shut
516:53 Sarah asked forever nosy. Liz, so shut up, I muttered, staring at the
516:56 up, I muttered, staring at the conversation bubbles on my phone. Liz,
516:59 conversation bubbles on my phone. Liz, the last time we spoke before yesterday
517:01 the last time we spoke before yesterday in the wait room, we were yelling at
517:04 in the wait room, we were yelling at each other. So, why would you think it
517:06 each other. So, why would you think it was a good idea to climb a balcony with
517:08 was a good idea to climb a balcony with flowers after that?
517:11 flowers after that? That was not the question I'd expected
517:13 That was not the question I'd expected her to ask. What is she saying? Michael
517:17 her to ask. What is she saying? Michael asked from my laptop screen. Yeah, Wes,
517:21 asked from my laptop screen. Yeah, Wes, Sarah said. What'd she say? She wants to
517:25 Sarah said. What'd she say? She wants to know why I'd bring her flowers on the
517:26 know why I'd bring her flowers on the balcony when we were fighting a few days
517:28 balcony when we were fighting a few days ago, I mumbled, trying to think of a
517:31 ago, I mumbled, trying to think of a good answer. Fair question, Noah said. I
517:35 good answer. Fair question, Noah said. I texted. Just because we were yelling
517:38 texted. Just because we were yelling doesn't mean my feelings have changed.
517:40 doesn't mean my feelings have changed. What'd you say? Sarah prodded. None of
517:44 What'd you say? Sarah prodded. None of your damn business. I snapped, wanting
517:46 your damn business. I snapped, wanting them to go away now. Sh.
517:50 them to go away now. Sh. Liz feelings. That is ridiculous. Is
517:54 Liz feelings. That is ridiculous. Is that what the poster was about too?
517:56 that what the poster was about too? Feelings?
517:58 Feelings? Was she trying to find out what the
518:00 Was she trying to find out what the poster said? It was probably my wishful
518:03 poster said? It was probably my wishful thinking, but I texted like that was
518:05 thinking, but I texted like that was what she wanted. Yes, there were
518:08 what she wanted. Yes, there were multiple posters. Actually, the first
518:11 multiple posters. Actually, the first one said, "To me, you aren't perfect."
518:15 one said, "To me, you aren't perfect." Liz, um, okay, humbling.
518:20 Liz, um, okay, humbling. I took it as a good sign that she was
518:22 I took it as a good sign that she was making a joke. I texted the second one
518:25 making a joke. I texted the second one said, "To me, you are everything."
518:29 said, "To me, you are everything." I didn't expect a quick response because
518:31 I didn't expect a quick response because I imagined her squealing or kicking her
518:34 I imagined her squealing or kicking her feet or texting a friend. But she
518:36 feet or texting a friend. But she immediately texted, "That is asinine,
518:39 immediately texted, "That is asinine, Wes. No offense, but you don't even know
518:42 Wes. No offense, but you don't even know me. How could I be everything?" "Why are
518:45 me. How could I be everything?" "Why are you scowlling?" Sarah asked. What did
518:48 you scowlling?" Sarah asked. What did she say? Tell us, Adam said. We're dying
518:52 she say? Tell us, Adam said. We're dying over here. I reached over and
518:55 over here. I reached over and disconnected the FaceTime call. And then
518:57 disconnected the FaceTime call. And then I dialed Liz's number. I didn't expect
519:00 I dialed Liz's number. I didn't expect her to answer, so I was surprised when I
519:02 her to answer, so I was surprised when I heard, "Hello." I stood and started
519:06 heard, "Hello." I stood and started walking around the room, pacing as I
519:08 walking around the room, pacing as I said, "I know you. Come on, Liz." "No,
519:12 said, "I know you. Come on, Liz." "No, you don't." She replied very matterof
519:15 you don't." She replied very matterof factly. We haven't had a real
519:18 factly. We haven't had a real conversation in years. How could you
519:20 conversation in years. How could you think that we know each other at all?
519:23 think that we know each other at all? Because we just do, I said, aware that
519:26 Because we just do, I said, aware that it made zero sense, but also it did make
519:29 it made zero sense, but also it did make sense for us. Oh, really? Okay, then.
519:33 sense for us. Oh, really? Okay, then. What is my new favorite show to watch on
519:34 What is my new favorite show to watch on the weekends? What? I cleared my throat
519:38 the weekends? What? I cleared my throat and thought hard. Um, that's a trick
519:42 and thought hard. Um, that's a trick question because you still like to watch
519:43 question because you still like to watch Gilmore Girls and Norah Efron movies.
519:46 Gilmore Girls and Norah Efron movies. Wrong. It's football, she said, sounding
519:49 Wrong. It's football, she said, sounding happy I'd gotten it wrong. Wait, what? I
519:53 happy I'd gotten it wrong. Wait, what? I love to watch football. College and the
519:56 love to watch football. College and the NFL. See? You know nothing about me now.
520:01 NFL. See? You know nothing about me now. Well, I want to know you, I said,
520:03 Well, I want to know you, I said, sitting down on my bed and turning my
520:05 sitting down on my bed and turning my body so I could lean back against the
520:07 body so I could lean back against the wall. I knew she was proving a point to
520:09 wall. I knew she was proving a point to me that I didn't want proven, but even
520:11 me that I didn't want proven, but even in spite of that, it was nice to be
520:13 in spite of that, it was nice to be talking to her on the phone again. "You
520:16 talking to her on the phone again. "You should go out with me and we can get to
520:18 should go out with me and we can get to know each other all over again." She
520:20 know each other all over again." She immediately said, "No, thank you. What
520:23 immediately said, "No, thank you. What about as friends?" I said just as
520:26 about as friends?" I said just as quickly, needing to keep her on the
520:28 quickly, needing to keep her on the phone. "Can't we do that? It doesn't
520:31 phone. "Can't we do that? It doesn't have to be a date date. We can just eat
520:33 have to be a date date. We can just eat food and catch up. I'd at least like to
520:36 food and catch up. I'd at least like to be your friend again. What are you doing
520:38 be your friend again. What are you doing Friday night? I have plans, she said,
520:42 Friday night? I have plans, she said, striking me down. Nick Starks ski
520:46 striking me down. Nick Starks ski masquerade.
520:47 masquerade. Everyone was talking about the Halloween
520:49 Everyone was talking about the Halloween party where you wore a costume and a ski
520:51 party where you wore a costume and a ski mask. The only rule was no exposed
520:53 mask. The only rule was no exposed faces. I'm going too, I said way too
520:57 faces. I'm going too, I said way too excitedly. It was impossible for me to
521:00 excitedly. It was impossible for me to be cool when Liz Bucks bomb was
521:01 be cool when Liz Bucks bomb was involved, but especially when we were
521:03 involved, but especially when we were going to be in the same place.
521:05 going to be in the same place. We can hang out at the party, but you
521:08 We can hang out at the party, but you won't be able to find me," she said, a
521:11 won't be able to find me," she said, a smile in her voice. "Because I'll be in
521:13 smile in her voice. "Because I'll be in a costume with a ski mask over my head."
521:16 a costume with a ski mask over my head." "Trust me, Lib," I said, picturing her
521:19 "Trust me, Lib," I said, picturing her lips. "In a crowd of a million ski
521:22 lips. "In a crowd of a million ski masks, I'd still be able to find you."
521:25 masks, I'd still be able to find you." "There is no way you'll know who I am.
521:28 "There is no way you'll know who I am. No way." I wanted to wrap myself up in
521:31 No way." I wanted to wrap myself up in the warm, breathlessness of her voice.
521:33 the warm, breathlessness of her voice. Want to make a bet? I asked knowing I
521:36 Want to make a bet? I asked knowing I was going to win. If I find you, you go
521:40 was going to win. If I find you, you go on a date with me Saturday.
521:42 on a date with me Saturday. What happened to just going for
521:44 What happened to just going for friendship? She asked, sounding a little
521:46 friendship? She asked, sounding a little amused. Though that could also just be
521:49 amused. Though that could also just be my wishful thinking. If we're making a
521:52 my wishful thinking. If we're making a bet, I'm going bigger, Bucks Bomb, I
521:54 bet, I'm going bigger, Bucks Bomb, I said, feeling like an unbelievable
521:56 said, feeling like an unbelievable opportunity was presenting itself. You
521:59 opportunity was presenting itself. You win? No, she said. But I could tell she
522:03 win? No, she said. But I could tell she was smiling. I don't know how I knew,
522:06 was smiling. I don't know how I knew, but I did. Oh, come on. Are you
522:09 but I did. Oh, come on. Are you seriously going to force me to make the
522:11 seriously going to force me to make the noise? I asked. The noise? The back
522:16 noise? I asked. The noise? The back chicken noise because you're scared to
522:17 chicken noise because you're scared to take the bet. You know I know you too
522:20 take the bet. You know I know you too well and will find you, I teased,
522:23 well and will find you, I teased, confident as she wouldn't be able to
522:24 confident as she wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. And then you'll be
522:27 resist the challenge. And then you'll be forced to endure a delightful evening
522:29 forced to endure a delightful evening with the charming Wesley Harold Bennett
522:31 with the charming Wesley Harold Bennett as punishment for losing. Save your
522:34 as punishment for losing. Save your bcking. I'll take the bet. I wondered if
522:38 bcking. I'll take the bet. I wondered if she was in her room ready for bed or if
522:40 she was in her room ready for bed or if she was studying somewhere. But there
522:43 she was studying somewhere. But there have to be rules. You can't just walk up
522:46 have to be rules. You can't just walk up to someone and say Liz because then you
522:49 to someone and say Liz because then you can lock into winning. Fair. I love her
522:53 can lock into winning. Fair. I love her mind. How about we have a code word that
522:56 mind. How about we have a code word that I have to shout when I see you? A code
522:58 I have to shout when I see you? A code word? She repeated slowly, like she was
523:02 word? She repeated slowly, like she was really considering the idea. I like it.
523:05 really considering the idea. I like it. How about you have to yell, I am a huge
523:09 How about you have to yell, I am a huge jackass when you see the person that
523:11 jackass when you see the person that you'll think is me, but actually won't
523:12 you'll think is me, but actually won't be. I'm happy to say that, you little
523:15 be. I'm happy to say that, you little [ __ ] I agreed, leaning my head back
523:18 [ __ ] I agreed, leaning my head back against the wall and picturing her face.
523:21 against the wall and picturing her face. But you will definitely be the person
523:23 But you will definitely be the person I'm saying it to. In your dreams,
523:26 I'm saying it to. In your dreams, Bennett, she teased. Every damn night,
523:29 Bennett, she teased. Every damn night, Buckbelm, I replied, wanting to beg her
523:32 Buckbelm, I replied, wanting to beg her to spend the rest of her life on the
523:34 to spend the rest of her life on the phone with me. Her voice was soft and
523:37 phone with me. Her voice was soft and sleepy when she said, "I have to go
523:39 sleepy when she said, "I have to go study." "See you Friday, even though you
523:43 study." "See you Friday, even though you won't see me."
523:45 won't see me." "I love you. See you Friday, Lib, I
523:50 "I love you. See you Friday, Lib, I said, terrified by the hope that was
523:52 said, terrified by the hope that was pumping through every one of my veins.
523:55 pumping through every one of my veins. Good night. After she hung up, I sat
523:58 Good night. After she hung up, I sat there with the phone in my hand for the
523:59 there with the phone in my hand for the longest time, just staring into space.
524:03 longest time, just staring into space. Liz suddenly felt possible again, like
524:05 Liz suddenly felt possible again, like something could actually happen with us.
524:08 something could actually happen with us. And that kind of possibility was the
524:10 And that kind of possibility was the scariest thing in the world. Eventually,
524:13 scariest thing in the world. Eventually, I got my head out of the clouds enough
524:14 I got my head out of the clouds enough to write my paper, and I was in the
524:16 to write my paper, and I was in the middle of formatting the god-forsaken
524:18 middle of formatting the god-forsaken worksited page. Why did I struggle so
524:21 worksited page. Why did I struggle so much with those when my phone started
524:23 much with those when my phone started ringing? I picked it up and was shocked
524:26 ringing? I picked it up and was shocked when I saw the name on the caller ID.
524:29 when I saw the name on the caller ID. Helena Bucksbomb.
524:31 Helena Bucksbomb. Why would she be calling me? I'd only
524:34 Why would she be calling me? I'd only spoken to her on the phone once in my
524:36 spoken to her on the phone once in my life, and that was a couple of years
524:37 life, and that was a couple of years ago.
524:39 ago. It was right after Liz and I broke up
524:41 It was right after Liz and I broke up and I'd seen the 402 area code and took
524:43 and I'd seen the 402 area code and took the call, assuming it was some kind of
524:46 the call, assuming it was some kind of bill that needed to be paid. It would
524:48 bill that needed to be paid. It would forever go down as the coolest phone
524:50 forever go down as the coolest phone call I'd ever received. Shut up and
524:53 call I'd ever received. Shut up and don't say a word. I hate you for hurting
524:55 don't say a word. I hate you for hurting Liz and the West Bennett that was her
524:57 Liz and the West Bennett that was her boyfriend is dead to me. However, I want
525:01 boyfriend is dead to me. However, I want to let West Bennett, the neighbor kid,
525:03 to let West Bennett, the neighbor kid, know that we're always here next door,
525:06 know that we're always here next door, no matter what. if he should ever need
525:08 no matter what. if he should ever need anything that has nothing to do with our
525:10 anything that has nothing to do with our daughter. Okay, bye.
525:13 daughter. Okay, bye. There were very few people in the world
525:15 There were very few people in the world I respected as much as I respected
525:16 I respected as much as I respected Helena.
525:18 Helena. Hello, I answered a little nervous.
525:22 Hello, I answered a little nervous. Oh, hey Wes. Um, it's Helena Bugbomb. I
525:27 Oh, hey Wes. Um, it's Helena Bugbomb. I can't believe you answered the phone,
525:29 can't believe you answered the phone, she said, sounding shocked. I thought
525:32 she said, sounding shocked. I thought only old people answered incoming calls.
525:34 only old people answered incoming calls. I fully expected the voicemail. I saw it
525:38 I fully expected the voicemail. I saw it was you, I said. So, I had to pick up.
525:42 was you, I said. So, I had to pick up. Do you have 2 seconds? I don't want to
525:44 Do you have 2 seconds? I don't want to interrupt a kegger or anything. That
525:47 interrupt a kegger or anything. That made me smile and relax. I've got all
525:50 made me smile and relax. I've got all the time in the world, and I'm
525:51 the time in the world, and I'm shockingly free of kegggers at the
525:53 shockingly free of kegggers at the moment. What's up? Okay, so the lady who
525:57 moment. What's up? Okay, so the lady who moved into your old house, Mrs. Edgars.
526:01 moved into your old house, Mrs. Edgars. Yeah, she seems like a type A lunatic,
526:03 Yeah, she seems like a type A lunatic, by the way. But it appears she found
526:05 by the way. But it appears she found some things in the house that the
526:07 some things in the house that the Bennets left behind. What? I'd
526:10 Bennets left behind. What? I'd personally checked every single surface
526:12 personally checked every single surface of the place before leaving. What did
526:14 of the place before leaving. What did she find? Homies.
526:18 she find? Homies. I waited for more, but when she said
526:20 I waited for more, but when she said nothing else, I asked, "I'm sorry. Did
526:22 nothing else, I asked, "I'm sorry. Did you say homies?" Helena laughed as she
526:26 you say homies?" Helena laughed as she said, "Oh, I did." and she gave them to
526:29 said, "Oh, I did." and she gave them to me, your homies. She found one taped up
526:32 me, your homies. She found one taped up in the back of every single closet. "May
526:35 in the back of every single closet. "May I text you a photo?" "Yeah, of course,"
526:38 I text you a photo?" "Yeah, of course," I said, still clueless. "Sending," she
526:42 I said, still clueless. "Sending," she said. And when the text came through, I
526:45 said. And when the text came through, I completely lost it. I'd forgotten all
526:47 completely lost it. I'd forgotten all about the homies. The gas station down
526:50 about the homies. The gas station down the hill used to have a gumball machine
526:52 the hill used to have a gumball machine full of homies. Little plastic dudes you
526:54 full of homies. Little plastic dudes you could buy for a quarter. Sarah bought
526:57 could buy for a quarter. Sarah bought them all the time when we were kids
526:58 them all the time when we were kids because they were the only thing she
527:00 because they were the only thing she could afford. And it appeared she'd
527:02 could afford. And it appeared she'd saved them. Saved them so she could tape
527:05 saved them. Saved them so she could tape one in the back of each closet when we
527:07 one in the back of each closet when we moved out of the house. I looked at the
527:09 moved out of the house. I looked at the photo and shook my head because there
527:12 photo and shook my head because there was a tiny note attached to each little
527:13 was a tiny note attached to each little guy that said, "Homie is watching you,
527:17 guy that said, "Homie is watching you, Edgars." "Are you kidding me?" I said,
527:20 Edgars." "Are you kidding me?" I said, giving into a laugh as I looked at the
527:22 giving into a laugh as I looked at the picture. I wondered why Sarah wanted to
527:24 picture. I wondered why Sarah wanted to say goodbye to every bedroom in the
527:26 say goodbye to every bedroom in the house. Mrs. Edgars was a little freaked
527:29 house. Mrs. Edgars was a little freaked out until I told her that the Bennets
527:31 out until I told her that the Bennets were clowns. She said, "Your sister is
527:34 were clowns. She said, "Your sister is my freaking hero. I swear to God, mine,
527:37 my freaking hero. I swear to God, mine, too." So, whenever either of you are
527:40 too." So, whenever either of you are back in town, feel free to swing by for
527:42 back in town, feel free to swing by for the homies. Helena cleared her throat
527:45 the homies. Helena cleared her throat and said, "We'd love to see you." Same.
527:49 and said, "We'd love to see you." Same. I said, "Thanks for calling about the
527:51 I said, "Thanks for calling about the homies when I'm dead to you." "No,
527:54 homies when I'm dead to you." "No, you're Jesus, Wes." She said, "Back from
527:58 you're Jesus, Wes." She said, "Back from the dead because apparently you didn't
528:01 the dead because apparently you didn't cheat on Liz." "Right," I said, having
528:05 cheat on Liz." "Right," I said, having no idea what exactly Helena knew about
528:07 no idea what exactly Helena knew about all that. "Good.
528:10 all that. "Good. So, come by anytime," she said, and it
528:13 So, come by anytime," she said, and it sounded like she meant it. Either way, I
528:17 sounded like she meant it. Either way, I have the nicest memory of your dad, of
528:20 have the nicest memory of your dad, of the last time I talked to him. Would you
528:22 the last time I talked to him. Would you like to hear it or will it hurt? I'd
528:25 like to hear it or will it hurt? I'd love to hear it, I said, leaning back in
528:28 love to hear it, I said, leaning back in the desk chair. Okay, so I was having a
528:32 the desk chair. Okay, so I was having a bad day because Liz and I got in an
528:34 bad day because Liz and I got in an argument, right? This was right after
528:36 argument, right? This was right after she went away to school. I took out the
528:39 she went away to school. I took out the trash and Stu was taking his out, too.
528:42 trash and Stu was taking his out, too. Now, I didn't really ever talk to your
528:44 Now, I didn't really ever talk to your dad aside from a "Hey, Stuart" whenever
528:47 dad aside from a "Hey, Stuart" whenever we saw each other in our respective
528:49 we saw each other in our respective driveways, but he looked at me and asked
528:52 driveways, but he looked at me and asked if I was okay. He did. I was shocked to
528:56 if I was okay. He did. I was shocked to hear this because the guy hadn't been
528:58 hear this because the guy hadn't been particularly social
529:01 particularly social at all. Yeah. Weird, right? And I was in
529:06 at all. Yeah. Weird, right? And I was in such a funk that I actually spilled to
529:08 such a funk that I actually spilled to him about the way I thought Liz was
529:09 him about the way I thought Liz was ignoring my calls and that she asked me
529:11 ignoring my calls and that she asked me to give her some space. I rambled all
529:14 to give her some space. I rambled all over the place like the empty neester I
529:16 over the place like the empty neester I suddenly was.
529:18 suddenly was. Yeah, I'm sure my dad loved the lady
529:20 Yeah, I'm sure my dad loved the lady next door getting all emotional.
529:22 next door getting all emotional. Probably referred to her as batshit
529:24 Probably referred to her as batshit crazy neighbor after that. But instead
529:27 crazy neighbor after that. But instead of grunting at me, your dad gave me a
529:30 of grunting at me, your dad gave me a hug. Impossible.
529:33 hug. Impossible. You're kidding, right? No. I couldn't
529:37 You're kidding, right? No. I couldn't believe it either. And I'll never forget
529:40 believe it either. And I'll never forget what he said to me. Wes. He hugged me
529:43 what he said to me. Wes. He hugged me and said, "Here's the thing about kids,
529:46 and said, "Here's the thing about kids, lady. And I honestly don't think he knew
529:49 lady. And I honestly don't think he knew my name, by the way. I was lady." I
529:53 my name, by the way. I was lady." I coughed out a laugh while my chest
529:54 coughed out a laugh while my chest pinched a little. All women were. But he
529:58 pinched a little. All women were. But he goes, "Here's the thing about kids,
530:00 goes, "Here's the thing about kids, lady. They're stupid with words. They
530:04 lady. They're stupid with words. They say [ __ ] all the time they don't mean.
530:06 say [ __ ] all the time they don't mean. They're wrong or they're being emotional
530:09 They're wrong or they're being emotional little shits. Basically, you have to
530:12 little shits. Basically, you have to understand that what they say isn't what
530:15 understand that what they say isn't what they mean. I tried swallowing, but my
530:18 they mean. I tried swallowing, but my throat was too tight. He said that. He
530:21 throat was too tight. He said that. He did, she said, sounding serious all of a
530:24 did, she said, sounding serious all of a sudden. He basically mansplained to me
530:27 sudden. He basically mansplained to me that our kids love us even when they act
530:30 that our kids love us even when they act like little [ __ ] And then he
530:32 like little [ __ ] And then he informed me they're going to grow out of
530:33 informed me they're going to grow out of it and take it all back once they stop
530:36 it and take it all back once they stop being stupid. I barked out another
530:38 being stupid. I barked out another laugh, but my eyes were scratchy. Good
530:41 laugh, but my eyes were scratchy. Good old Stew. I just thought since your dad
530:44 old Stew. I just thought since your dad was intense a lot of the time that you
530:47 was intense a lot of the time that you might enjoy hearing about him being kind
530:49 might enjoy hearing about him being kind and giving me probably the best parental
530:51 and giving me probably the best parental advice I ever received.
530:54 advice I ever received. Little [ __ ] is the best advice, I
530:56 Little [ __ ] is the best advice, I teased, my voice a little choked by
530:58 teased, my voice a little choked by emotion. Come on, Helena. Your dad knew,
531:02 emotion. Come on, Helena. Your dad knew, Wes, she said, her voice quiet. He knew
531:06 Wes, she said, her voice quiet. He knew what his kids really felt, even when
531:09 what his kids really felt, even when their words said otherwise. I took in a
531:12 their words said otherwise. I took in a deep, jagged breath, wondering if she
531:14 deep, jagged breath, wondering if she might actually be right. Thank you,
531:17 might actually be right. Thank you, Helena. You're really incredible. I
531:21 Helena. You're really incredible. I know. she interrupted, sounding like she
531:25 know. she interrupted, sounding like she too was a little choked up. And you're
531:27 too was a little choked up. And you're welcome. Now, let's get back to our
531:29 welcome. Now, let's get back to our kekers, shall we? Yeah, we probably
531:33 kekers, shall we? Yeah, we probably should, I agreed, clearing my throat.
531:36 should, I agreed, clearing my throat. Take care, kid, she said. And I'll see
531:39 Take care, kid, she said. And I'll see you at Christmas break. You will? She's
531:43 you at Christmas break. You will? She's probably forgetting we're no longer
531:44 probably forgetting we're no longer neighbors. You want these homies, don't
531:47 neighbors. You want these homies, don't you? She said, and something about her
531:50 you? She said, and something about her mothering was really getting to me.
531:52 mothering was really getting to me. especially when she added, "I'll be
531:54 especially when she added, "I'll be pissed if you don't come get them."
531:57 pissed if you don't come get them." "Then I will make it a priority." "Later
532:00 "Then I will make it a priority." "Later then, Wesley," she said. "Later then,
532:03 then, Wesley," she said. "Later then, Helena," I replied, staying on until the
532:07 Helena," I replied, staying on until the call dropped. It was probably a random
532:10 call dropped. It was probably a random coincidence, but that night, for the
532:12 coincidence, but that night, for the first time in years, I had a long night
532:14 first time in years, I had a long night of deep sleep without a nightmare to be
532:17 of deep sleep without a nightmare to be found.
532:25 Chapter 34. Look, I guarantee there will be tough
532:27 Look, I guarantee there will be tough times. I guarantee that at some point
532:30 times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us is going to want to
532:31 one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing. But I also
532:34 get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be
532:36 guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my
532:38 mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life because I know in my heart you're
532:42 life because I know in my heart you're the only one for me.
532:45 the only one for me. Runaway bride.
532:48 Runaway bride. Liz,
532:54 I cannot wear this. Why not? Campbell stood behind me,
532:58 Why not? Campbell stood behind me, looking at my reflection in the mirror
532:59 looking at my reflection in the mirror over my shoulder. If you want to trick
533:02 over my shoulder. If you want to trick him, this is the way. He's going to be
533:06 him, this is the way. He's going to be looking for a Lizcoed costume, so he
533:09 looking for a Lizcoed costume, so he will never even consider that this is
533:11 will never even consider that this is you.
533:13 you. My stomach was full of nervous
533:15 My stomach was full of nervous butterflies. It was all well and good
533:17 butterflies. It was all well and good what my dad said about me not having to
533:20 what my dad said about me not having to worry about my confusing Wes feelings,
533:23 worry about my confusing Wes feelings, but it made things feel precarious when
533:25 but it made things feel precarious when I was preparing to go to a party that
533:28 I was preparing to go to a party that could end with me having to go on a date
533:30 could end with me having to go on a date with him tomorrow.
533:32 with him tomorrow. Did I want to? Definitely not. But his
533:37 Did I want to? Definitely not. But his idiotic balcony attempt had left me
533:39 idiotic balcony attempt had left me shaken. I wasn't little Liz anymore, but
533:43 shaken. I wasn't little Liz anymore, but I wasn't unaffected by the lengths he'd
533:45 I wasn't unaffected by the lengths he'd gone to either.
533:47 gone to either. I looked at my reflection and wanted to
533:50 I looked at my reflection and wanted to cover myself with a cardigan. I was
533:53 cover myself with a cardigan. I was wearing Campbell's costume, which was a
533:55 wearing Campbell's costume, which was a black latex Batgirl dress paired with
533:57 black latex Batgirl dress paired with thigh high black boots. The dress was
534:00 thigh high black boots. The dress was short and showed some cleavage. But the
534:04 short and showed some cleavage. But the part that had me feeling like I looked
534:06 part that had me feeling like I looked obscene was how tight it was. Skint
534:10 obscene was how tight it was. Skint tight, shiny black. No room for secrets.
534:15 tight, shiny black. No room for secrets. Yeah, but it's so I trailed off, turning
534:20 Yeah, but it's so I trailed off, turning around and making sure it covered my
534:22 around and making sure it covered my ass.
534:23 ass. Watch yourself before I'm offended.
534:26 Watch yourself before I'm offended. Campbell said, crossing her arms. You
534:29 Campbell said, crossing her arms. You look hot, and your face will be covered.
534:33 look hot, and your face will be covered. No one will know it's you unless you
534:35 No one will know it's you unless you want them to.
534:37 want them to. I looked at my reflection again.
534:40 I looked at my reflection again. No one will know it's me.
534:43 No one will know it's me. Just enjoy it and have fun. She tilted
534:47 Just enjoy it and have fun. She tilted her head. Feel sorry for me that I'm
534:50 her head. Feel sorry for me that I'm stuck wearing the cat costume.
534:53 stuck wearing the cat costume. The costume from Cats the Musical is
534:55 The costume from Cats the Musical is cute though. I defended.
534:58 cute though. I defended. You look adorable.
535:00 You look adorable. Yeah, adorable isn't hot, but I'll make
535:04 Yeah, adorable isn't hot, but I'll make it work. She grinned, which made me
535:07 it work. She grinned, which made me worry for her. She'd stayed up all night
535:10 worry for her. She'd stayed up all night talking to Wade on the phone, and she
535:12 talking to Wade on the phone, and she was downright smitten.
535:15 was downright smitten. I liked how happy she was, but I was
535:18 I liked how happy she was, but I was nervous she'd end up hurt. Even with a
535:21 nervous she'd end up hurt. Even with a good guy, things could change quickly,
535:23 good guy, things could change quickly, but with a cocky dude like Wade, it was
535:26 but with a cocky dude like Wade, it was worrisome.
535:28 worrisome. She said, "I'm going to go change, then
535:31 She said, "I'm going to go change, then let's do a shot before we go." Okay. We
535:34 let's do a shot before we go." Okay. We did a couple of shots and Leo fed the
535:36 did a couple of shots and Leo fed the raccoons before we locked up and loaded
535:39 raccoons before we locked up and loaded into an Uber. Campbell was dressed as
535:41 into an Uber. Campbell was dressed as Bombolina, Taylor's character in Cats.
535:44 Bombolina, Taylor's character in Cats. Clark was Thor and Leo was Cupid. He'd
535:47 Clark was Thor and Leo was Cupid. He'd sewn a confetti pocket into his toga
535:49 sewn a confetti pocket into his toga thing and was very excited to randomly
535:51 thing and was very excited to randomly toss love confetti at people.
535:54 toss love confetti at people. "Okay, remember if you need to talk to
535:56 "Okay, remember if you need to talk to me, do it quietly," I said, my buzz
536:00 me, do it quietly," I said, my buzz making me excited about the challenge of
536:02 making me excited about the challenge of not being discovered.
536:04 not being discovered. All Wes has to do is follow Thor around
536:06 All Wes has to do is follow Thor around and he'll find me in a second. Like I'm
536:09 and he'll find me in a second. Like I'm going to be hanging out near you, he
536:12 going to be hanging out near you, he said. I have my own person I'm trying to
536:14 said. I have my own person I'm trying to find.
536:16 find. What? Campbell said, making the Uber
536:19 What? Campbell said, making the Uber driver look at us in the rearview
536:21 driver look at us in the rearview mirror. Who are you looking for? He just
536:25 mirror. Who are you looking for? He just shrugged.
536:27 shrugged. I haven't decided yet.
536:30 I haven't decided yet. What does that mean? Leo asked. "It
536:33 What does that mean? Leo asked. "It means a world of interesting people are
536:36 means a world of interesting people are awaiting us at the party," Clark said in
536:39 awaiting us at the party," Clark said in that very clarky way of his, where it
536:42 that very clarky way of his, where it seemed like he was being ironic, but he
536:44 seemed like he was being ironic, but he actually was not. We rolled up our ski
536:47 actually was not. We rolled up our ski masks, decorated to match our costumes,
536:50 masks, decorated to match our costumes, of course, on the ride there. But when
536:53 of course, on the ride there. But when we pulled up in front of Nick's house,
536:55 we pulled up in front of Nick's house, we lowered them over our faces.
536:57 we lowered them over our faces. It's go time," Campbell said, opening
537:00 It's go time," Campbell said, opening the door. We probably terrified the Uber
537:04 the door. We probably terrified the Uber driver as we climbed out with our faces
537:06 driver as we climbed out with our faces covered. And when we got inside, the
537:08 covered. And when we got inside, the party was already wild, which wasn't a
537:12 party was already wild, which wasn't a surprise. Everyone loved the ski
537:15 surprise. Everyone loved the ski masquerade, so it was packed. The house,
537:18 masquerade, so it was packed. The house, a guest house in Bair, was brimming with
537:22 a guest house in Bair, was brimming with people, all in ridiculously decorated
537:25 people, all in ridiculously decorated ski masks. But even over the loud noise,
537:28 ski masks. But even over the loud noise, I heard Wes's laugh right after we
537:30 I heard Wes's laugh right after we arrived.
537:32 arrived. I couldn't see him, but his laugh was
537:34 I couldn't see him, but his laugh was unmistakable.
537:36 unmistakable. I could close my eyes and be so many
537:38 I could close my eyes and be so many places with that laugh. That laugh was
537:41 places with that laugh. That laugh was the cohesive thread, the little
537:43 the cohesive thread, the little recurring melody that showed up in so
537:46 recurring melody that showed up in so many scenes of my life, like Mia and
537:48 many scenes of my life, like Mia and Sebastian's theme in La La Land.
537:51 Sebastian's theme in La La Land. Always there playing in the background.
537:55 Always there playing in the background. My eyes searched the crowded living room
537:58 My eyes searched the crowded living room and it seemed like it should have taken
537:59 and it seemed like it should have taken me longer, but I found him in a quick
538:02 me longer, but I found him in a quick minute.
538:03 minute. Wes was Batman.
538:06 Wes was Batman. Talk about ironic.
538:08 Talk about ironic. He was wearing black baseball pants, a
538:10 He was wearing black baseball pants, a yellow belt, and a long-sleeved black
538:13 yellow belt, and a long-sleeved black under arour workout shirt that had a
538:15 under arour workout shirt that had a yellow bat made of paper taped across
538:18 yellow bat made of paper taped across the front.
538:20 the front. He was laughing hard at whatever the
538:22 He was laughing hard at whatever the horse beside him was saying. And I
538:25 horse beside him was saying. And I realized as I watched him that I
538:27 realized as I watched him that I probably would have found him even if he
538:29 probably would have found him even if he hadn't been laughing
538:31 hadn't been laughing because no one else moved like was.
538:35 because no one else moved like was. I mean, of course, there was the
538:36 I mean, of course, there was the tallness, the long arms and legs that
538:39 tallness, the long arms and legs that hinted at his identity, but it was more
538:42 hinted at his identity, but it was more than that.
538:44 than that. The back tilt of his head when he
538:45 The back tilt of his head when he laughed, the prominent Adam's apple on
538:49 laughed, the prominent Adam's apple on that neck just below where the mask
538:51 that neck just below where the mask ended, and the relaxed way he moved his
538:54 ended, and the relaxed way he moved his body, like he could just as easily pop
538:57 body, like he could just as easily pop out silly boy band choreography as he
539:00 out silly boy band choreography as he could bench press a car.
539:03 could bench press a car. It was like Wes was his own brand of
539:05 It was like Wes was his own brand of human.
539:07 human. Also, it looked like he was wearing one
539:09 Also, it looked like he was wearing one of those padded with fake muscles
539:11 of those padded with fake muscles costumes, only it was his actual body.
539:15 costumes, only it was his actual body. "I need a drink," I said, pulling
539:18 "I need a drink," I said, pulling Campbell with me toward the keg as I
539:20 Campbell with me toward the keg as I wondered three things. "Would be able to
539:24 wondered three things. "Would be able to recognize me. Did I want him to?
539:28 recognize me. Did I want him to? Was I actually going to go out with him
539:31 Was I actually going to go out with him if he did?
539:39 Chapter 35. You love me. Real or not? The Hunger
539:44 You love me. Real or not? The Hunger Games.
539:46 Games. Wes,
539:48 Wes, I have to find her. I was listening to
539:51 I have to find her. I was listening to AJ, but my eyes were everywhere. I
539:54 AJ, but my eyes were everywhere. I needed to find Liz and win the bet. So,
539:57 needed to find Liz and win the bet. So, she's wearing a long robe like she's a
539:59 she's wearing a long robe like she's a wizard or royalty or something. This
540:01 wizard or royalty or something. This chick isn't showing a bit of her body.
540:03 chick isn't showing a bit of her body. like I'm I'm not even sure it is a girl.
540:05 like I'm I'm not even sure it is a girl. Could be a man or or a tall child or a
540:08 Could be a man or or a tall child or a short yeti. But Mick looked at her and
540:10 short yeti. But Mick looked at her and was like, "I'll be right back." "Yeah,"
540:15 was like, "I'll be right back." "Yeah," I said, turning my body to look at the
540:17 I said, turning my body to look at the people on the other side of the room.
540:19 people on the other side of the room. "Yeah, he's been gone for like an hour."
540:23 "Yeah, he's been gone for like an hour." AJ shook his head and said, "So, I'm not
540:26 AJ shook his head and said, "So, I'm not sure if he's getting action or getting
540:28 sure if he's getting action or getting murdered. I mean, who can really say,
540:31 murdered. I mean, who can really say, right?" I muttered. Are you even
540:34 right?" I muttered. Are you even listening to me? AJ asked, sounding
540:37 listening to me? AJ asked, sounding annoyed behind his mask. No. I glanced
540:41 annoyed behind his mask. No. I glanced toward the kitchen. I'm trying to find
540:43 toward the kitchen. I'm trying to find Liz. Bugsy, he said, grinning and
540:47 Liz. Bugsy, he said, grinning and shaking his head. I love this whole bet
540:50 shaking his head. I love this whole bet thing. You have to find her because I'll
540:52 thing. You have to find her because I'll be bored when your adventure ends. So
540:55 be bored when your adventure ends. So glad I can entertain you. What about
540:58 glad I can entertain you. What about that one? he said, pointing toward the
541:00 that one? he said, pointing toward the person in the cat costume. It was a
541:03 person in the cat costume. It was a costume Liz would wear. She would know
541:05 costume Liz would wear. She would know the name of the cat's cat for sure. But
541:08 the name of the cat's cat for sure. But as I watched, I just knew it wasn't her.
541:11 as I watched, I just knew it wasn't her. Not because I'd know the curves of her
541:13 Not because I'd know the curves of her body in a lineup. Come on. But I would
541:16 body in a lineup. Come on. But I would or anything like that, but because of
541:19 or anything like that, but because of her hands. Is it weird to love someone's
541:22 her hands. Is it weird to love someone's hands? The cat had average hands with
541:25 hands? The cat had average hands with long pink fingernails, but they weren't
541:28 long pink fingernails, but they weren't Liz's hands. I had watched her play
541:31 Liz's hands. I had watched her play piano so many times, and I'd always been
541:33 piano so many times, and I'd always been distracted by the sight of her long,
541:35 distracted by the sight of her long, graceful fingers moving over the keys.
541:39 graceful fingers moving over the keys. With perfectly clipped and almost always
541:41 With perfectly clipped and almost always polished fingernails, her hands were
541:43 polished fingernails, her hands were capable of so much. I'm losing it when
541:46 capable of so much. I'm losing it when her hands make me want to ride a haiku,
541:49 her hands make me want to ride a haiku, right? I searched like a man on a
541:52 right? I searched like a man on a mission. but no one was her. An hour
541:55 mission. but no one was her. An hour later, I was starting to panic. What if
541:58 later, I was starting to panic. What if she wasn't there? Or what if she was,
542:00 she wasn't there? Or what if she was, but I was failing? I hadn't even
542:02 but I was failing? I hadn't even considered the possibility of not
542:04 considered the possibility of not winning. I was stressing out when I went
542:06 winning. I was stressing out when I went upstairs to look for Mick. And then I
542:08 upstairs to look for Mick. And then I found her. The hallway was full of
542:11 found her. The hallway was full of people, and I was about to give up when
542:13 people, and I was about to give up when I caught a whiff of her perfume. I froze
542:16 I caught a whiff of her perfume. I froze looking around. There was a person
542:18 looking around. There was a person dressed as a Pop-Tart. Not Liz. Someone
542:22 dressed as a Pop-Tart. Not Liz. Someone wearing a latex backirl costume,
542:24 wearing a latex backirl costume, definitely not Liz. A Cupid whose hairy
542:28 definitely not Liz. A Cupid whose hairy chest totally ruled out the Liz
542:29 chest totally ruled out the Liz possibility. And a Scooby-Doo whose feet
542:32 possibility. And a Scooby-Doo whose feet were way too big to belong to Bucks Bow.
542:35 were way too big to belong to Bucks Bow. I was getting very impatient. I was
542:38 I was getting very impatient. I was about to go downstairs when Batirl
542:40 about to go downstairs when Batirl turned sideways talking to the Cupid. It
542:43 turned sideways talking to the Cupid. It was too loud for me to hear her voice,
542:45 was too loud for me to hear her voice, but blue eyes, not green, were looking
542:48 but blue eyes, not green, were looking out from the ski mask. her lips, though.
542:52 out from the ski mask. her lips, though. I looked closer and her slick, wet,
542:55 I looked closer and her slick, wet, shiny red lips were turned up in a smile
542:58 shiny red lips were turned up in a smile that I knew better than my own
542:59 that I knew better than my own reflection. Those were Liz's lips.
543:03 reflection. Those were Liz's lips. Holy balls.
543:06 Holy balls. My eyes went back to the costume, and I
543:08 My eyes went back to the costume, and I damn near swallowed my tongue. Those
543:11 damn near swallowed my tongue. Those boots, those legs. Dear God. My gaze
543:15 boots, those legs. Dear God. My gaze traveled up her body, taking its time
543:18 traveled up her body, taking its time over black latex that made me weak in
543:20 over black latex that made me weak in the knees. And when it got to her ski
543:22 the knees. And when it got to her ski mask, I couldn't believe what I saw. She
543:25 mask, I couldn't believe what I saw. She was wearing colored contacts. The little
543:28 was wearing colored contacts. The little [ __ ] I wanted to laugh my ass off at
543:31 [ __ ] I wanted to laugh my ass off at that blue-eyed hustster for being so
543:32 that blue-eyed hustster for being so devious. And I wanted to laugh manically
543:35 devious. And I wanted to laugh manically and howl at the moon because praise
543:37 and howl at the moon because praise Jesus, I'd won. I'd won. And I was going
543:42 Jesus, I'd won. I'd won. And I was going to have Backroll all to myself for an
543:44 to have Backroll all to myself for an evening. in the very near future. I
543:46 evening. in the very near future. I moved through the crowded hallway and
543:48 moved through the crowded hallway and when I was finally behind her, she still
543:50 when I was finally behind her, she still hadn't seen me amongst all the people. I
543:53 hadn't seen me amongst all the people. I took a hit of her perfume before quietly
543:55 took a hit of her perfume before quietly saying into her ear, "I am a huge
543:58 saying into her ear, "I am a huge jackass."
544:00 jackass." I heard the gas before her head came
544:02 I heard the gas before her head came around and she stared up at me with big
544:03 around and she stared up at me with big blue eyes, "That lipstick.
544:07 blue eyes, "That lipstick. If her hands drive me to distraction,
544:10 If her hands drive me to distraction, her mouth drives me to madness.
544:12 her mouth drives me to madness. I can't believe you found me," she said
544:15 I can't believe you found me," she said in a breathy voice, her eyes wide with
544:18 in a breathy voice, her eyes wide with shock. The Cupid leaned closer to Liz
544:21 shock. The Cupid leaned closer to Liz and said something into her ear, which
544:23 and said something into her ear, which took her eyes away from me as she
544:24 took her eyes away from me as she listened. Who the hell was this guy? He
544:28 listened. Who the hell was this guy? He was smallalish, but a little too
544:30 was smallalish, but a little too shredded in my opinion. And standing a
544:34 shredded in my opinion. And standing a little too close to Liz.
544:36 little too close to Liz. I cry foul on the contacts, by the way,
544:39 I cry foul on the contacts, by the way, I said, unwilling to let a damn Cupid
544:42 I said, unwilling to let a damn Cupid steal her attention. You little cheater.
544:45 steal her attention. You little cheater. It's part of the costume, she replied,
544:47 It's part of the costume, she replied, shrugging, which did things that made it
544:50 shrugging, which did things that made it difficult to be a gentleman. My eyes
544:52 difficult to be a gentleman. My eyes definitely wanted to roam, but I kept
544:54 definitely wanted to roam, but I kept them trained on red lips and curled
544:56 them trained on red lips and curled black lashes because I wasn't an
544:58 black lashes because I wasn't an [ __ ] You're telling me that Batgirl
545:01 [ __ ] You're telling me that Batgirl has blue eyes, Buckbelm? That you know
545:04 has blue eyes, Buckbelm? That you know this to be a fact? Everyone knows that,"
545:07 this to be a fact? Everyone knows that," the Cupid said, and I watched him grin
545:09 the Cupid said, and I watched him grin at Liz through his stupid pink ski mask.
545:12 at Liz through his stupid pink ski mask. "That's a very punchable mouth." "So, we
545:16 "That's a very punchable mouth." "So, we should probably schedule our date," I
545:18 should probably schedule our date," I said, lightly, grabbing her elbow,
545:20 said, lightly, grabbing her elbow, feeling a jolt as my fingertips slid
545:22 feeling a jolt as my fingertips slid over soft Lizzy's skin. "Now," she said,
545:26 over soft Lizzy's skin. "Now," she said, irritation in her tone, which irritated
545:29 irritation in her tone, which irritated me a little. do it later," Cupid said,
545:33 me a little. do it later," Cupid said, waving a hand like it was silliness that
545:35 waving a hand like it was silliness that could wait. "And that irritated me a
545:38 could wait. "And that irritated me a lot." Then he reached into his
545:40 lot." Then he reached into his half-dress and threw pink dust in my
545:42 half-dress and threw pink dust in my face. "I wasn't talking to you," I said
545:46 face. "I wasn't talking to you," I said through gritted teeth, looking around
545:48 through gritted teeth, looking around for an escape. "For somewhere, anywhere
545:51 for an escape. "For somewhere, anywhere where Liz and I weren't with the goddamn
545:52 where Liz and I weren't with the goddamn Cupid, which was ironic, right? Weren't
545:56 Cupid, which was ironic, right? Weren't Cupid supposed to be shooting arrows of
545:58 Cupid supposed to be shooting arrows of love at us? This guy sucked at his job.
546:02 love at us? This guy sucked at his job. I reached for the knob on the door
546:03 I reached for the knob on the door beside us and it turned. "Yes,
546:07 beside us and it turned. "Yes, here," I said, pushing open the end of
546:09 here," I said, pushing open the end of the hallway door. "Just give me 2
546:12 the hallway door. "Just give me 2 minutes." She was blinking fast as I
546:14 minutes." She was blinking fast as I sort of moved her gently toward that
546:17 sort of moved her gently toward that door. "Wes,
546:19 door. "Wes, she'll be right back," I said to the
546:21 she'll be right back," I said to the Cupid, who tilted his head but didn't
546:23 Cupid, who tilted his head but didn't say a word. "That's right, Cupid. Shut
546:26 say a word. "That's right, Cupid. Shut up."
546:27 up." We walked through the door, but as soon
546:29 We walked through the door, but as soon as it closed behind us, I couldn't find
546:31 as it closed behind us, I couldn't find a wall switch. And it was dark. "Wes,"
546:35 a wall switch. And it was dark. "Wes," she exclaimed, jerking out of my hands.
546:37 she exclaimed, jerking out of my hands. "What the hell?" "I just need a minute
546:39 "What the hell?" "I just need a minute without Cupid butting in." "Where are
546:42 without Cupid butting in." "Where are the lights?" I said under my breath,
546:44 the lights?" I said under my breath, moving my hand over the surface of the
546:46 moving my hand over the surface of the wall. "Oh, this is perfect," Liz
546:49 wall. "Oh, this is perfect," Liz muttered. And then her phone's
546:51 muttered. And then her phone's flashlight lit up the darkness. She
546:53 flashlight lit up the darkness. She gasped. "Oh my god. Oh my god, indeed. I
546:58 gasped. "Oh my god. Oh my god, indeed. I agreed, freezing as my eyes took in all
547:00 agreed, freezing as my eyes took in all the creepiness of the rickety staircase
547:02 the creepiness of the rickety staircase in front of us, of the boxes of God only
547:05 in front of us, of the boxes of God only knows what that were piled beside the
547:06 knows what that were piled beside the steps. "You shoved me into an attic,"
547:10 steps. "You shoved me into an attic," she said in a whisper scream as if she
547:12 she said in a whisper scream as if she thought someone was in there with us. "I
547:15 thought someone was in there with us. "I didn't know," I said, reaching for the
547:17 didn't know," I said, reaching for the door knob. "This is spooky as hell.
547:20 door knob. "This is spooky as hell. Understatement of the year," she agreed.
547:23 Understatement of the year," she agreed. But the doornob wouldn't turn. I applied
547:26 But the doornob wouldn't turn. I applied pressure, but that thing wasn't budging
547:29 pressure, but that thing wasn't budging at all. Okay, don't freak out, Bucks
547:32 at all. Okay, don't freak out, Bucks bounc, but we're kind of maybe locked
547:35 bounc, but we're kind of maybe locked in. What? Her hand covered mine and
547:39 in. What? Her hand covered mine and tried turning the doororknob, but it was
547:41 tried turning the doororknob, but it was very stuck. Oh my god. It's okay, I said
547:45 very stuck. Oh my god. It's okay, I said calmly, taking off my ski mask. I'll
547:48 calmly, taking off my ski mask. I'll text AJ and he'll come let us out. I'll
547:51 text AJ and he'll come let us out. I'll text Campbell, too," she said, pulling
547:54 text Campbell, too," she said, pulling off her ski mask and swiping into
547:56 off her ski mask and swiping into messages. We each sent a text, our
547:58 messages. We each sent a text, our screens bright in the creepy darkness.
548:01 screens bright in the creepy darkness. But I wasn't freaked out. I mean, the
548:04 But I wasn't freaked out. I mean, the party was so loud that no one would hear
548:05 party was so loud that no one would hear us if we started knocking, but we had
548:07 us if we started knocking, but we had fully charged phones. And I was with
548:10 fully charged phones. And I was with Liz. Even a terrifying dark attic seemed
548:14 Liz. Even a terrifying dark attic seemed like a perfect place all of a sudden.
548:16 like a perfect place all of a sudden. There were butterflies going wild inside
548:18 There were butterflies going wild inside me as I stood next to her in the
548:20 me as I stood next to her in the darkness.
548:21 darkness. She's so close. It was the last thing I
548:24 She's so close. It was the last thing I should be thinking about, but my body
548:26 should be thinking about, but my body was hyper aware of the smell of her and
548:29 was hyper aware of the smell of her and the way those tall black boots were
548:30 the way those tall black boots were close enough to touch. My phone lit up
548:33 close enough to touch. My phone lit up when AJ responded. I'm on my way. So is
548:37 when AJ responded. I'm on my way. So is Campbell, she said as her phone also lit
548:39 Campbell, she said as her phone also lit up. I'm sorry I dragged you in here. I
548:43 up. I'm sorry I dragged you in here. I wasn't sorry to be locked in the dark
548:44 wasn't sorry to be locked in the dark with her. That was a total lie. But I
548:47 with her. That was a total lie. But I was sorry if she was unhappy to be in
548:49 was sorry if she was unhappy to be in the dark attic with me. I expected a
548:52 the dark attic with me. I expected a snappy comeback, but all she said was,
548:54 snappy comeback, but all she said was, "Why do college guys even have an attic
548:57 "Why do college guys even have an attic that looks like this?" She held out her
548:59 that looks like this?" She held out her phone, illuminating the cobweb covered
549:01 phone, illuminating the cobweb covered boxes and blurred shapes that were
549:03 boxes and blurred shapes that were packed in the small area. "Because
549:05 packed in the small area. "Because they're serial killers, obviously," I
549:08 they're serial killers, obviously," I said. But my eyes were stuck on the way
549:10 said. But my eyes were stuck on the way her hair looked in the darkness, the
549:12 her hair looked in the darkness, the perfection of her profile in the dim
549:14 perfection of her profile in the dim light of the phone. Obviously, she
549:17 light of the phone. Obviously, she agreed, watching me watch her before
549:19 agreed, watching me watch her before quickly looking away. There was a noise
549:22 quickly looking away. There was a noise like someone was messing with the
549:23 like someone was messing with the doororknob, but I set my hand on it and
549:26 doororknob, but I set my hand on it and it wasn't turning at all. Powers, I
549:30 it wasn't turning at all. Powers, I yelled, putting my mouth next to the
549:32 yelled, putting my mouth next to the door. I could hear male voices, but
549:34 door. I could hear male voices, but there was too much noise for me to make
549:36 there was too much noise for me to make out what they were saying. My phone lit
549:38 out what they were saying. My phone lit up. AJ, there's a tiny problem. Uh, I
549:44 up. AJ, there's a tiny problem. Uh, I started to say, but then Liz said,
549:47 started to say, but then Liz said, Campbell said the door knob isn't
549:48 Campbell said the door knob isn't budging. They're going to find Stark and
549:50 budging. They're going to find Stark and see if he's got a key. A key? I bent my
549:53 see if he's got a key. A key? I bent my knees and raised my phone so I could see
549:55 knees and raised my phone so I could see the knob. I don't see a lock on this
549:57 the knob. I don't see a lock on this side at all. This is freaking great, she
550:01 side at all. This is freaking great, she said, sounding annoyed. I'm sure he's
550:04 said, sounding annoyed. I'm sure he's got a key, I said, trying to reassure
550:07 got a key, I said, trying to reassure her. You said yourself that it doesn't
550:09 her. You said yourself that it doesn't look like there's a lock, she snapped,
550:12 look like there's a lock, she snapped, her voice thick with frustration.
550:14 her voice thick with frustration. Relax, Bucks Bomb. It's going to be
550:16 Relax, Bucks Bomb. It's going to be okay, I said, wondering if this was
550:18 okay, I said, wondering if this was about the closet or if it was about me.
550:22 about the closet or if it was about me. Are you claustrophobic?
550:24 Are you claustrophobic? No, she bit out. I just don't want to be
550:27 No, she bit out. I just don't want to be here. So, it was about me. They're
550:30 here. So, it was about me. They're probably going to find our bloated,
550:32 probably going to find our bloated, spider bitten corpses when they finally
550:34 spider bitten corpses when they finally get in, she said. And it reminded me so
550:37 get in, she said. And it reminded me so much of little Liz that the
550:38 much of little Liz that the disappointment took a backseat to
550:40 disappointment took a backseat to amusement.
550:41 amusement. Christ, that's a little dark. Well,
550:45 Christ, that's a little dark. Well, something made all of these webs, right?
550:48 something made all of these webs, right? I choose not to think about it. I turned
550:50 I choose not to think about it. I turned my head and said, "I wonder what it's
550:53 my head and said, "I wonder what it's like up the stairs.
550:55 like up the stairs. A graveyard of demented dolls and
550:57 A graveyard of demented dolls and mannequins, I would guess." I heard
550:59 mannequins, I would guess." I heard Liz's phone buzz, saw the screen light
551:02 Liz's phone buzz, saw the screen light up, and she said, "It's Campbell." I
551:05 up, and she said, "It's Campbell." I watched her as she read the message.
551:07 watched her as she read the message. "No, no, no, no, no, no." She whed,
551:10 "No, no, no, no, no, no." She whed, looking up at me. Her face was
551:12 looking up at me. Her face was illuminated by the phone. That slick
551:15 illuminated by the phone. That slick mouth all lit up, and something about it
551:17 mouth all lit up, and something about it made my pulse speed up. Look. She held
551:20 made my pulse speed up. Look. She held out the phone so I could read the
551:22 out the phone so I could read the message. Apparently, Nick's landlord had
551:25 message. Apparently, Nick's landlord had a key, but the guy was 30 minutes away.
551:28 a key, but the guy was 30 minutes away. Campbell and Leo were going to go get
551:30 Campbell and Leo were going to go get it, but we'd have to wait until they
551:32 it, but we'd have to wait until they returned. I knew I shouldn't be happy,
551:35 returned. I knew I shouldn't be happy, especially when it was obvious Liz
551:37 especially when it was obvious Liz wasn't. But how could I not be? I'd just
551:40 wasn't. But how could I not be? I'd just been given the gift of 30 uninterrupted
551:42 been given the gift of 30 uninterrupted minutes with Liz. I was going to make
551:44 minutes with Liz. I was going to make the most of this situation and try to
551:46 the most of this situation and try to nudge us past this place we were stuck
551:48 nudge us past this place we were stuck in. I know exactly what we can do while
551:51 in. I know exactly what we can do while we wait, I said. Her expression was
551:54 we wait, I said. Her expression was priceless, like she seriously thought I
551:57 priceless, like she seriously thought I was suggesting we get after it in a
551:58 was suggesting we get after it in a creepy attic full of spiderw webs. I was
552:01 creepy attic full of spiderw webs. I was half laughing when I said, "Get your
552:03 half laughing when I said, "Get your mind out of the gutter, Bucks Bomb. I
552:06 mind out of the gutter, Bucks Bomb. I only meant that we can play 20 questions
552:07 only meant that we can play 20 questions and get to know each other." "I thought
552:10 and get to know each other." "I thought you already know me better than anyone,"
552:12 you already know me better than anyone," she said in a mocking voice. "Well, then
552:15 she said in a mocking voice. "Well, then now is my chance to prove it," I said,
552:18 now is my chance to prove it," I said, wondering if it were possible to
552:20 wondering if it were possible to hyperventilate on someone's perfume.
552:22 hyperventilate on someone's perfume. "Because I can never quite stop myself
552:24 "Because I can never quite stop myself from taking little sipping sniffs
552:26 from taking little sipping sniffs whenever I was near her." But let's see
552:29 whenever I was near her." But let's see what's up the stairs first. "Are you
552:31 what's up the stairs first. "Are you kidding me?" she said in a high-pitched
552:33 kidding me?" she said in a high-pitched voice. "No way. I am going up those
552:36 voice. "No way. I am going up those rickety steps." "Oh, come on, Lib," I
552:40 rickety steps." "Oh, come on, Lib," I said, turning on my flashlight and
552:42 said, turning on my flashlight and stepping closer to the stairs. "Where's
552:44 stepping closer to the stairs. "Where's your sense of adventure? That's what the
552:46 your sense of adventure? That's what the next victim says in every horror movie."
552:49 next victim says in every horror movie." "She wasn't wrong, but as I put my foot
552:51 "She wasn't wrong, but as I put my foot on the bottom step, I saw it. There's a
552:54 on the bottom step, I saw it. There's a window up here. So Chucky can push us to
552:57 window up here. So Chucky can push us to our deaths, she quipped, sounding
552:59 our deaths, she quipped, sounding hesitant. Grab the back of my shirt, I
553:02 hesitant. Grab the back of my shirt, I said. And follow me. I will slay any
553:05 said. And follow me. I will slay any villains who come for you. I promise.
553:08 villains who come for you. I promise. Yeah, but what if you're the villain?
553:11 Yeah, but what if you're the villain? Luring you to the creepy attic after
553:13 Luring you to the creepy attic after making sure there's no key to the door?
553:15 making sure there's no key to the door? I asked, wanting to grunt in
553:17 I asked, wanting to grunt in satisfaction when I felt her fingers
553:19 satisfaction when I felt her fingers grab onto the bottom of my shirt. Then
553:21 grab onto the bottom of my shirt. Then I'd say I'm really incredibly brilliant.
553:25 I'd say I'm really incredibly brilliant. Yeah, and I know you're not that. She
553:28 Yeah, and I know you're not that. She teased and it felt like a win. Teasing
553:31 teased and it felt like a win. Teasing was one of the ways we'd always
553:32 was one of the ways we'd always communicated, so it felt closer to right
553:35 communicated, so it felt closer to right with us when she forgot herself and
553:36 with us when she forgot herself and mocked me. I started up the stairs and
553:39 mocked me. I started up the stairs and she fisted the back of my shirt
553:41 she fisted the back of my shirt following. I honestly hadn't expected
553:44 following. I honestly hadn't expected her to do it, to touch me, so I was kind
553:47 her to do it, to touch me, so I was kind of in no hurry to get those stairs
553:48 of in no hurry to get those stairs climbed. And when we got to the top, it
553:52 climbed. And when we got to the top, it was surprisingly
553:54 was surprisingly empty. Where's all the stuff? I shined
553:57 empty. Where's all the stuff? I shined the light around and the big open attic
554:00 the light around and the big open attic was almost completely vacant of things,
554:02 was almost completely vacant of things, aside from a few random small boxes and
554:04 aside from a few random small boxes and a rocking chair. The antithesis of the
554:07 a rocking chair. The antithesis of the area down the steps. The ghosts have to
554:10 area down the steps. The ghosts have to live up here, Liz said, her hands still
554:13 live up here, Liz said, her hands still on my lower back. So they Marie Condoed
554:16 on my lower back. So they Marie Condoed the space. Makes sense," I said, walking
554:19 the space. Makes sense," I said, walking over to the window. I tried sliding it
554:22 over to the window. I tried sliding it open, and after a moment of sticking, it
554:24 open, and after a moment of sticking, it came free. And hell yes, I saw exactly
554:27 came free. And hell yes, I saw exactly what I'd been hoping for. "Come on," I
554:30 what I'd been hoping for. "Come on," I said, unwilling to turn around because I
554:32 said, unwilling to turn around because I didn't want her to let go of my shirt.
554:34 didn't want her to let go of my shirt. "This is perfect." I stepped through the
554:37 "This is perfect." I stepped through the window opening and out onto the roof,
554:40 window opening and out onto the roof, which thankfully was the perfect kind of
554:42 which thankfully was the perfect kind of roof to sit on. It didn't have a crazy
554:45 roof to sit on. It didn't have a crazy pitch, and there was a flat area just
554:47 pitch, and there was a flat area just outside the window, as if the space was
554:49 outside the window, as if the space was created especially for Midnight's Under
554:51 created especially for Midnight's Under the Stars. "I'm not sure we should go on
554:54 the Stars. "I'm not sure we should go on the roof," she said, following me
554:56 the roof," she said, following me through the window. "And then I heard
554:58 through the window. "And then I heard her breathe a startled." "Oh,
555:01 her breathe a startled." "Oh, I did look back at her then and she
555:03 I did look back at her then and she smiled." "Right," I said, and she let go
555:07 smiled." "Right," I said, and she let go of my shirt. "Not too bad for being
555:10 of my shirt. "Not too bad for being locked in an attic. Those doling
555:12 locked in an attic. Those doling ganganger kids would have loved this.
555:14 ganganger kids would have loved this. Sit, I said, pointing to the flat spot
555:17 Sit, I said, pointing to the flat spot just outside the window that had a
555:19 just outside the window that had a wooden ledge instead of shingles. And
555:21 wooden ledge instead of shingles. And who the hell are the doling ganganger
555:23 who the hell are the doling ganganger kids from flowers in the attic? She
555:26 kids from flowers in the attic? She looked at me like she thought that would
555:28 looked at me like she thought that would make sense as she tucked her dress. Good
555:31 make sense as she tucked her dress. Good god, that dress underneath her and sat
555:33 god, that dress underneath her and sat down on the roof. The book? Never heard
555:37 down on the roof. The book? Never heard of it, I said, sitting down beside her.
555:41 of it, I said, sitting down beside her. probably for the best. It doesn't hold
555:43 probably for the best. It doesn't hold up well to analysis.
555:45 up well to analysis. She looked out at the night sky and
555:47 She looked out at the night sky and said, "This is a little incredible."
555:50 said, "This is a little incredible." "Wow," I said, resting my arms on my
555:54 "Wow," I said, resting my arms on my knees and looking down. Not only could
555:56 knees and looking down. Not only could we see the stars, but we had a nice
555:59 we see the stars, but we had a nice vantage point over the streets of the
556:00 vantage point over the streets of the neighborhood. I hadn't planned to get
556:03 neighborhood. I hadn't planned to get locked in an attic with Liz, but this
556:05 locked in an attic with Liz, but this was a spectacular setup. So, question
556:08 was a spectacular setup. So, question number one. I never agreed to 20
556:11 number one. I never agreed to 20 questions, she said. For the record, let
556:15 questions, she said. For the record, let the record show Miss Bucks Bomb is
556:17 the record show Miss Bucks Bomb is answering under duress. Question number
556:20 answering under duress. Question number one, what is your current favorite food?
556:24 one, what is your current favorite food? And why did you pretend Clark was your
556:26 And why did you pretend Clark was your boyfriend? She looked surprised that I
556:29 boyfriend? She looked surprised that I knew about the fake dating thing. Clark,
556:32 knew about the fake dating thing. Clark, overcome with guilt, had confessed the
556:34 overcome with guilt, had confessed the first time I saw him in LA after the
556:36 first time I saw him in LA after the Omaha trip, but not upset. She shrugged
556:40 Omaha trip, but not upset. She shrugged and said, "I panicked when I saw you,
556:44 and said, "I panicked when I saw you, and it just happened." "And I've been
556:46 and it just happened." "And I've been all about the tacos lately. The street
556:48 all about the tacos lately. The street taco scene in LA is ridiculous."
556:51 taco scene in LA is ridiculous." "Interesting," I said, thinking yet
556:54 "Interesting," I said, thinking yet again how much she'd changed. "I haven't
556:57 again how much she'd changed. "I haven't actually had a taco in LA yet."
556:59 actually had a taco in LA yet." She was looking out at the city when she
557:01 She was looking out at the city when she asked, "What are you waiting for,
557:03 asked, "What are you waiting for, Bennett?" "For them to be free," I
557:06 Bennett?" "For them to be free," I admitted. "Onampus food cost me nothing,
557:09 admitted. "Onampus food cost me nothing, so basically Bplate and rendevu are my
557:11 so basically Bplate and rendevu are my new favorite restaurants." "Smart," she
557:14 new favorite restaurants." "Smart," she said, looking over at me, and I wondered
557:17 said, looking over at me, and I wondered what she was thinking. Somehow, I knew
557:20 what she was thinking. Somehow, I knew her brain was drilling into that into
557:22 her brain was drilling into that into the reality of my financial situation.
557:25 the reality of my financial situation. So, my question number one asked under
557:28 So, my question number one asked under duress is where the hell is Otis living
557:31 duress is where the hell is Otis living these days? That made me laugh because
557:35 these days? That made me laugh because she'd always pretended to find my dog
557:36 she'd always pretended to find my dog annoying while sneaking him table food
557:39 annoying while sneaking him table food through the backyard fence when I wasn't
557:40 through the backyard fence when I wasn't looking. He is now the adopted son of
557:43 looking. He is now the adopted son of one Michael Young. "Shut up," she said
557:46 one Michael Young. "Shut up," she said with wide eyes, forgetting all about the
557:49 with wide eyes, forgetting all about the way she didn't know how to act around
557:50 way she didn't know how to act around me. "Really?" I nodded and said, "Sarah
557:55 me. "Really?" I nodded and said, "Sarah and I couldn't bring him with us to
557:56 and I couldn't bring him with us to school, and I was afraid he'd be ignored
557:59 school, and I was afraid he'd be ignored if he lived with my mom. So, Michael is
558:02 if he lived with my mom. So, Michael is now his father, and we have FaceTime
558:04 now his father, and we have FaceTime visitations once a week." "No way," she
558:08 visitations once a week." "No way," she said, smiling in spite of herself. "You
558:11 said, smiling in spite of herself. "You were absolutely right when Michael moved
558:13 were absolutely right when Michael moved back, and you thought he walked on
558:14 back, and you thought he walked on water," I said, nudging her shoulder
558:17 water," I said, nudging her shoulder with mine. "He does. I swear to God. I'm
558:21 with mine. "He does. I swear to God. I'm glad I was right. she said, nudging
558:23 glad I was right. she said, nudging back. And I knew she was acknowledging
558:26 back. And I knew she was acknowledging the way he'd helped me last year.
558:28 the way he'd helped me last year. Question two, asked under duress, of
558:31 Question two, asked under duress, of course. It's my turn, I said, scowlling
558:35 course. It's my turn, I said, scowlling at her while wanting to do a goddamn
558:37 at her while wanting to do a goddamn happy dance because she leaned her
558:38 happy dance because she leaned her shoulder into mine. And she wanted to
558:40 shoulder into mine. And she wanted to ask me questions.
558:43 ask me questions. Please, God, don't let this be a dream.
558:46 Please, God, don't let this be a dream. Don't care, she replied. Question two,
558:49 Don't care, she replied. Question two, how did you recognize me? I must have
558:52 how did you recognize me? I must have forgotten some tiny detail and I need to
558:54 forgotten some tiny detail and I need to know what it was. Was there a way to
558:56 know what it was. Was there a way to answer that wasn't a verbal vomit of my
558:58 answer that wasn't a verbal vomit of my obsession with her? I was looking for
559:01 obsession with her? I was looking for your perfect fingernails was psycho
559:03 your perfect fingernails was psycho enough to require a restraining order.
559:06 enough to require a restraining order. Still, what was the point of lying? I
559:09 Still, what was the point of lying? I didn't want to lie to her anymore. Your
559:11 didn't want to lie to her anymore. Your smell, I said, and of course, my voice
559:15 smell, I said, and of course, my voice cracked like I was a lovesick teenager.
559:17 cracked like I was a lovesick teenager. I smelled your perfume and then I saw
559:20 I smelled your perfume and then I saw your mouth. My mouth? She repeated,
559:24 your mouth. My mouth? She repeated, scoffing like it was a silly accident.
559:27 scoffing like it was a silly accident. Libby, I don't know if you know this,
559:30 Libby, I don't know if you know this, but I am obsessed with your mouth. I
559:32 but I am obsessed with your mouth. I admitted knowing I should back off, but
559:35 admitted knowing I should back off, but I felt bold as she started fast
559:37 I felt bold as she started fast blinking. I've never seen anything as
559:40 blinking. I've never seen anything as beautiful as the way your lips slide
559:41 beautiful as the way your lips slide into a smile. So that slick red lipstick
559:44 into a smile. So that slick red lipstick served as like a matador's cape.
559:48 served as like a matador's cape. Please don't call yourself a bull, she
559:50 Please don't call yourself a bull, she interrupted. To this bull right here, I
559:53 interrupted. To this bull right here, I said, unable to look at anything but her
559:56 said, unable to look at anything but her mouth. God save me, she sighed, her
559:59 mouth. God save me, she sighed, her voice light as a breath. From a boy who
560:02 voice light as a breath. From a boy who refers to himself as a dangerous boine.
560:05 refers to himself as a dangerous boine. Dangerous boine? I looked into her eyes
560:08 Dangerous boine? I looked into her eyes so close and didn't even know what we
560:10 so close and didn't even know what we were talking about because her lips were
560:12 were talking about because her lips were so close to my lips. You really know how
560:15 so close to my lips. You really know how to make a guy feel uncool? She shrugged.
560:19 to make a guy feel uncool? She shrugged. Any guy comparing himself to a raging
560:21 Any guy comparing himself to a raging bull is uncool.
560:23 bull is uncool. So mean. I shook my head and my eyes
560:26 So mean. I shook my head and my eyes were back on her mouth on those slick
560:28 were back on her mouth on those slick lips. I can't keep my eyes off your
560:31 lips. I can't keep my eyes off your mouth for real, though. She swallowed
560:34 mouth for real, though. She swallowed but didn't say anything. And I wasn't
560:36 but didn't say anything. And I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or a bad
560:38 sure if that was a good sign or a bad sign. Can I ask you a question? I said
560:42 sign. Can I ask you a question? I said my gaze on hers as an invisible string
560:44 my gaze on hers as an invisible string pulled me closer. That's the game, she
560:47 pulled me closer. That's the game, she said. But it came out as almost a
560:49 said. But it came out as almost a whisper. If you and I were just a random
560:52 whisper. If you and I were just a random Batman and Backro at a Halloween party
560:55 Batman and Backro at a Halloween party with zero history and we were locked in
560:57 with zero history and we were locked in an attic and taking refuge on the roof.
561:00 an attic and taking refuge on the roof. I managed, feeling like I was drugged as
561:02 I managed, feeling like I was drugged as she watched me with interest in those
561:04 she watched me with interest in those eyes. Yeah, she replied, and it was a
561:08 eyes. Yeah, she replied, and it was a whisper this time.
561:10 whisper this time. And I did this, I said, lowering my head
561:14 And I did this, I said, lowering my head and sipping at her breath with my own.
561:16 and sipping at her breath with my own. Would you let me kiss you? In that
561:19 Would you let me kiss you? In that scenario, she said, her lips almost
561:22 scenario, she said, her lips almost touching mine. Probably yes. My head
561:26 touching mine. Probably yes. My head exploded.
561:28 exploded. That's not who we are, though, she
561:30 That's not who we are, though, she whispered, her eyes heavy-litted.
561:33 whispered, her eyes heavy-litted. But I ran my knuckle over her cheekbone,
561:36 But I ran my knuckle over her cheekbone, my hand shaking as she watched me, as
561:39 my hand shaking as she watched me, as she didn't pull back. What if we
561:41 she didn't pull back. What if we pretend? She swallowed and said nothing.
561:45 pretend? She swallowed and said nothing. But she still didn't pull back. It felt
561:48 But she still didn't pull back. It felt like we were both leaning toward each
561:49 like we were both leaning toward each other, hovering, waiting for the
561:52 other, hovering, waiting for the decision to be made for us. So, I
561:54 decision to be made for us. So, I lowered my head and played the part of a
561:56 lowered my head and played the part of a random Batman. "Come on, Batgirl." Um,"
562:01 random Batman. "Come on, Batgirl." Um," she whispered, then slid her fingers
562:03 she whispered, then slid her fingers through the sides of my hair, pulling my
562:05 through the sides of my hair, pulling my mouth to hers.
562:07 mouth to hers. Time shifted because everything went
562:09 Time shifted because everything went slow motion at first as I felt her hands
562:12 slow motion at first as I felt her hands on me as my mouth met those slick lips.
562:15 on me as my mouth met those slick lips. Every nerve ending in my body crackled,
562:18 Every nerve ending in my body crackled, every hair stood on end as the awareness
562:21 every hair stood on end as the awareness of Liz overwhelmed my senses. And then
562:24 of Liz overwhelmed my senses. And then it detonated and sped out of control.
562:28 it detonated and sped out of control. Suddenly, my mouth was opening her
562:30 Suddenly, my mouth was opening her mouth, my palms sliding up the smooth
562:32 mouth, my palms sliding up the smooth skin of her face as I held her in place.
562:35 skin of her face as I held her in place. I felt weak when she angled her head and
562:37 I felt weak when she angled her head and opened her lips underneath mine. Her
562:39 opened her lips underneath mine. Her fingers flexing in my hair as her tongue
562:41 fingers flexing in my hair as her tongue slid inside my mouth. It was
562:44 slid inside my mouth. It was outrageously hot the way she licked into
562:46 outrageously hot the way she licked into me and everything in my head exploded as
562:49 me and everything in my head exploded as she made a noise in her throat,
562:51 she made a noise in her throat, impatient. That left all indecision
562:53 impatient. That left all indecision behind. I forgot everything. Where we
562:57 behind. I forgot everything. Where we were, how to be chill, and devoured her
563:00 were, how to be chill, and devoured her mouth, desperately taking every kiss she
563:02 mouth, desperately taking every kiss she was willing to feed me. Liz was in
563:05 was willing to feed me. Liz was in control, her teeth driving me wild,
563:07 control, her teeth driving me wild, while her busy tongue wormed me with its
563:09 while her busy tongue wormed me with its hunger. And it felt like my chest was
563:11 hunger. And it felt like my chest was too tight. Am I having a heart attack?
563:15 too tight. Am I having a heart attack? She'd always kissed like some sort of a
563:16 She'd always kissed like some sort of a mythological sex goddess, demanding
563:19 mythological sex goddess, demanding everything while delivering more. And
563:21 everything while delivering more. And holy [ __ ] praise the Lord. That hadn't
563:24 holy [ __ ] praise the Lord. That hadn't changed a bit. My heart was racing as
563:28 changed a bit. My heart was racing as one thought. This is Liz. This is Liz,
563:31 one thought. This is Liz. This is Liz, yelled through my mind. My hands found
563:33 yelled through my mind. My hands found her waist and pulled her closer me on
563:35 her waist and pulled her closer me on that roof, wrapping around her and
563:37 that roof, wrapping around her and squeezing her body tighter against mine.
563:40 squeezing her body tighter against mine. Home. Home. Home. Home. As I ate at her
563:44 Home. Home. Home. Home. As I ate at her sweet mouth like it was a delicacy I'd
563:45 sweet mouth like it was a delicacy I'd beg for and knew I'd never get again. I
563:48 beg for and knew I'd never get again. I wanted to hold her there and never let
563:50 wanted to hold her there and never let her go.
563:51 her go. I consumed her, dipping into everything
563:53 I consumed her, dipping into everything I could get as I felt her arms snake
563:55 I could get as I felt her arms snake around my shoulders, taking everything
563:57 around my shoulders, taking everything she was willing to give and pulling it
564:00 she was willing to give and pulling it deep inside me. Her breathing was
564:02 deep inside me. Her breathing was erratic, and I loved it because it
564:05 erratic, and I loved it because it mirrored my own. I could hear noises
564:07 mirrored my own. I could hear noises from the street below, and I didn't care
564:09 from the street below, and I didn't care about anything other than Liz
564:11 about anything other than Liz Bucksbound. A stadium full of priests
564:13 Bucksbound. A stadium full of priests watching wouldn't have stopped me at
564:15 watching wouldn't have stopped me at that moment. Literally, they wouldn't.
564:18 that moment. Literally, they wouldn't. Feast your eyes on this, fathers. I
564:21 Feast your eyes on this, fathers. I opened my eyes, somehow needing
564:23 opened my eyes, somehow needing confirmation that it was actually Liz
564:26 confirmation that it was actually Liz and that she was actually back in my
564:27 and that she was actually back in my arms. And her bright eyes fluttered open
564:30 arms. And her bright eyes fluttered open at the same moment. Something was
564:32 at the same moment. Something was exchanged in the look. Questions maybe.
564:36 exchanged in the look. Questions maybe. But we didn't stop kissing. Our mouths
564:38 But we didn't stop kissing. Our mouths turned slow and languid, tracing tongues
564:41 turned slow and languid, tracing tongues and nipping teeth. And it was somehow
564:43 and nipping teeth. And it was somehow even hotter than the wild, hungry
564:45 even hotter than the wild, hungry kisses.
564:47 kisses. It felt like so many other times. Stolen
564:50 It felt like so many other times. Stolen kisses and quiet moments. Her dorm room,
564:52 kisses and quiet moments. Her dorm room, my dorm room, the beach at sunset. Back
564:55 my dorm room, the beach at sunset. Back before I lost my mind and lost her
564:57 before I lost my mind and lost her completely.
564:58 completely. She blinked. Blinked again. And a tiny
565:01 She blinked. Blinked again. And a tiny crinkle formed between her eyebrows. I
565:04 crinkle formed between her eyebrows. I lifted my mouth and whispered against
565:06 lifted my mouth and whispered against her lips, "You okay, Lib?"
565:16 >> Chapter 36. It isn't like I don't like you, Susan,
565:18 It isn't like I don't like you, Susan, because after all, in moments of quiet,
565:21 because after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you. But,
565:24 I'm strangely drawn toward you. But, well, there haven't been any quiet
565:27 well, there haven't been any quiet moments.
565:29 moments. Bringing up baby
565:32 Bringing up baby Liz,
565:37 was I okay? That depends.
565:39 That depends. On the one hand, I was hot and cold and
565:43 On the one hand, I was hot and cold and feeling more alive than I'd felt in
565:44 feeling more alive than I'd felt in years. Two years to be exact.
565:48 years. Two years to be exact. But on the other hand, I felt queasy as
565:52 But on the other hand, I felt queasy as I looked at him, because this felt like
565:55 I looked at him, because this felt like such a terrible idea. That handsome face
565:59 such a terrible idea. That handsome face was the one I'd pictured while I cried a
566:02 was the one I'd pictured while I cried a thousand tears. And even though he
566:05 thousand tears. And even though he hadn't cheated, my brain couldn't change
566:07 hadn't cheated, my brain couldn't change the fact that he was the avatar of my
566:10 the fact that he was the avatar of my heartbreak.
566:11 heartbreak. God, was I seriously trying to do this
566:14 God, was I seriously trying to do this again with him? I was an idiot, right? A
566:18 again with him? I was an idiot, right? A big huge foolish idiot who kind of just
566:23 big huge foolish idiot who kind of just wanted to stay here and keep being an
566:26 wanted to stay here and keep being an idiot.
566:27 idiot. I nodded, looking into his brown eyes
566:31 I nodded, looking into his brown eyes and wondering how to feel safe with
566:34 and wondering how to feel safe with this.
566:35 this. He was watching me, his face impossible
566:38 He was watching me, his face impossible to read as his fingers stroked along my
566:41 to read as his fingers stroked along my lower back.
566:43 lower back. And I said, "I can't believe Otis lives
566:46 And I said, "I can't believe Otis lives with Michael now."
566:48 with Michael now." His eyes lowered a little, like he was
566:50 His eyes lowered a little, like he was confused by my words
566:53 confused by my words or like he didn't like them.
566:56 or like he didn't like them. He probably expected we'd talk after the
566:58 He probably expected we'd talk after the kiss because we definitely weren't a
567:01 kiss because we definitely weren't a random Batman and Batgirl at a party, no
567:04 random Batman and Batgirl at a party, no matter how badly we wanted to pretend.
567:08 matter how badly we wanted to pretend. Random superheroes didn't kiss like
567:10 Random superheroes didn't kiss like that.
567:12 that. Everything about the kiss had felt like
567:15 Everything about the kiss had felt like coming home, like a reunion,
567:19 coming home, like a reunion, like some kind of agreement had been
567:21 like some kind of agreement had been reached.
567:23 reached. That kiss had been the heroine and hero
567:25 That kiss had been the heroine and hero running toward each other while the
567:27 running toward each other while the music crescendoed.
567:29 music crescendoed. That kiss had been Elizabeth Bennett
567:31 That kiss had been Elizabeth Bennett telling Darcy that his hands were cold.
567:35 telling Darcy that his hands were cold. That kiss,
567:36 That kiss, God help me, had been the one that lets
567:39 God help me, had been the one that lets you know the characters are finally
567:42 you know the characters are finally going to end up together.
567:44 going to end up together. But no agreement had been reached.
567:47 But no agreement had been reached. And I wasn't ready to talk because I had
567:51 And I wasn't ready to talk because I had no idea how I felt or what I wanted.
567:55 no idea how I felt or what I wanted. Yeah. And he loves it.
567:59 Yeah. And he loves it. Wes kept his hands on my lower back
568:01 Wes kept his hands on my lower back holding me in place. And I could feel
568:04 holding me in place. And I could feel the press of all 10 fingers.
568:06 the press of all 10 fingers. His dark eyes were intense, so directly
568:10 His dark eyes were intense, so directly on me that it seemed like he could see
568:12 on me that it seemed like he could see my every thought when he said,
568:15 my every thought when he said, "So, we just kissed lip."
568:19 "So, we just kissed lip." I swallowed and looked out at the night
568:21 I swallowed and looked out at the night below, mostly because I needed to avoid
568:24 below, mostly because I needed to avoid his gaze. Looking at Wes made me so
568:27 his gaze. Looking at Wes made me so confused.
568:29 confused. We were pretending, remember?
568:31 We were pretending, remember? He made a noise in his throat. Come on.
568:36 He made a noise in his throat. Come on. What? I said lightly as if it was no big
568:40 What? I said lightly as if it was no big deal. As if that kiss hadn't just
568:43 deal. As if that kiss hadn't just scrambled my brain.
568:45 scrambled my brain. Don't wipe me, he said half smiling, but
568:49 Don't wipe me, he said half smiling, but his voice was dead serious.
568:52 his voice was dead serious. That wasn't pretend, Liz.
568:55 That wasn't pretend, Liz. Leo's voice came from inside the attic.
568:58 Leo's voice came from inside the attic. Out here, I yelled, jumping away from
569:01 Out here, I yelled, jumping away from Wes and awkwardly climbing to my feet. I
569:04 Wes and awkwardly climbing to my feet. I stumbled in the stiletto boots, but
569:06 stumbled in the stiletto boots, but Wes's hand was just there, steadying me,
569:11 Wes's hand was just there, steadying me, like that was where it belonged.
569:14 like that was where it belonged. "You sure you're okay?" he asked
569:17 "You sure you're okay?" he asked quietly, watching me with an unreadable
569:20 quietly, watching me with an unreadable expression.
569:22 expression. "I'm fine," I managed,
569:25 "I'm fine," I managed, looking into those dark eyes just before
569:28 looking into those dark eyes just before Leo popped his head through the window.
569:30 Leo popped his head through the window. "You're free," he said.
569:33 "You're free," he said. and Campbell was beside him holding an
569:35 and Campbell was beside him holding an actual flashlight.
569:38 actual flashlight. Their ski masks were a little jarring
569:40 Their ski masks were a little jarring now because I'd been a million miles
569:42 now because I'd been a million miles away in a land where nothing existed
569:45 away in a land where nothing existed except West Bennett and the stars.
569:49 except West Bennett and the stars. "Thank you," I said, ducking to climb
569:52 "Thank you," I said, ducking to climb back inside. "For going to get the key."
569:55 back inside. "For going to get the key." "Of course, sweets," Leo said, helping
569:59 "Of course, sweets," Leo said, helping me in. "Was it terrible?"
570:02 me in. "Was it terrible?" I sensed Wes climbing inside behind me,
570:05 I sensed Wes climbing inside behind me, waiting for my answer.
570:07 waiting for my answer. Now, it wasn't terrible at all.
570:10 Now, it wasn't terrible at all. That was what was so confusing.
570:13 That was what was so confusing. Being with him was never terrible. I
570:16 Being with him was never terrible. I could be locked inside a creepy spider
570:18 could be locked inside a creepy spider attic, forced to take refuge on a roof,
570:22 attic, forced to take refuge on a roof, yet somehow still have a great time, and
570:25 yet somehow still have a great time, and be kissed like that, like he was leaving
570:28 be kissed like that, like he was leaving for war and knew he'd never kiss again.
570:32 for war and knew he'd never kiss again. No, I managed, realizing my hands were
570:35 No, I managed, realizing my hands were shaking. I was with Batman, so it was
570:38 shaking. I was with Batman, so it was okay.
570:40 okay. "Hey, Wes,"
570:42 "Hey, Wes," Campbell said, smiling at him and then
570:46 Campbell said, smiling at him and then giving me a holy [ __ ] look. "If you're
570:50 giving me a holy [ __ ] look. "If you're really Batman, how come you couldn't
570:52 really Batman, how come you couldn't break out of here?" "Maybe I didn't want
570:55 break out of here?" "Maybe I didn't want to," he said in that deep voice. And
570:59 to," he said in that deep voice. And dear God, there was no way I could look
571:02 dear God, there was no way I could look at him. Leo giggled, which made Wes say,
571:06 at him. Leo giggled, which made Wes say, "Who are you?"
571:09 "Who are you?" And he said it in the same tone he'd
571:11 And he said it in the same tone he'd used if he were asking Leo why he'd just
571:13 used if he were asking Leo why he'd just soiled himself. Like he was disgusted.
571:17 soiled himself. Like he was disgusted. "I am Cupid, the god of love," Leo said
571:21 "I am Cupid, the god of love," Leo said dramatically, tossing a handful of
571:23 dramatically, tossing a handful of confetti at Wes. Let's go do shots, bad
571:27 confetti at Wes. Let's go do shots, bad boy.
571:28 boy. Man, it's Batman.
571:32 Man, it's Batman. Wes growled, which made Leo and Campbell
571:35 Wes growled, which made Leo and Campbell burst into laughter.
571:37 burst into laughter. We all exited the attic room, and the
571:40 We all exited the attic room, and the second we stepped into the hallway, we
571:42 second we stepped into the hallway, we were back in loud chaos. The party was
571:45 were back in loud chaos. The party was even more crowded than before. And after
571:47 even more crowded than before. And after I followed Leo downstairs, embarrassed
571:50 I followed Leo downstairs, embarrassed because I'd lost my ski mask so everyone
571:53 because I'd lost my ski mask so everyone could see that latex batgirl was Liz
571:55 could see that latex batgirl was Liz Bucks,
571:57 Bucks, I looked behind me and realized he was
572:00 I looked behind me and realized he was gone.
572:01 gone. I scanned the packed party, but I
572:04 I scanned the packed party, but I couldn't see him anywhere, which
572:06 couldn't see him anywhere, which immediately made me panic. Was he
572:09 immediately made me panic. Was he avoiding me now? Was he mad?
572:13 avoiding me now? Was he mad? I hated how insecure he made me feel
572:15 I hated how insecure he made me feel after everything that had happened. Like
572:18 after everything that had happened. Like things could shift at any given moment.
572:21 things could shift at any given moment. But then my phone buzzed.
572:24 But then my phone buzzed. Wes, three things. Bucks.
572:28 Wes, three things. Bucks. I'm more obsessed with your mouth now
572:30 I'm more obsessed with your mouth now than ever before.
572:32 than ever before. AJ almost got in a fight, so we're
572:34 AJ almost got in a fight, so we're leaving before he does something stupid.
572:37 leaving before he does something stupid. I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7:00.
572:46 Chapter 37. I will never stop trying because when
572:49 I will never stop trying because when you find the one, you never give up.
572:52 you find the one, you never give up. Crazy stupid love.
572:55 Crazy stupid love. Wes.
572:57 Wes. Oh my god. Would you look at our boy? I
573:00 Oh my god. Would you look at our boy? I did a spin as I walked into the living
573:02 did a spin as I walked into the living room, grinning at AJ and Wade as they
573:04 room, grinning at AJ and Wade as they mocked my jacket and tie. I knew it was
573:07 mocked my jacket and tie. I knew it was probably overkill for a date, but this
573:10 probably overkill for a date, but this wasn't just any date. This was the date
573:12 wasn't just any date. This was the date that had the power to change everything.
573:15 that had the power to change everything. So, yes, I spent some extra time on my
573:18 So, yes, I spent some extra time on my appearance. Is Mick in his room? I
573:21 appearance. Is Mick in his room? I asked, anxious to get going. He'd agreed
573:24 asked, anxious to get going. He'd agreed to let me borrow Alice for the night
573:26 to let me borrow Alice for the night after much begging. So, I was ready to
573:29 after much begging. So, I was ready to get the keys and take off.
573:31 get the keys and take off. Yeah, Wade said, but I think he's on the
573:34 Yeah, Wade said, but I think he's on the phone. I knocked on the door before
573:36 phone. I knocked on the door before pushing it open and saying, "Kease,
573:39 pushing it open and saying, "Kease, please." Mickey looked up from his
573:41 please." Mickey looked up from his computer. "You ready to go?" "Hi, Wes."
573:45 computer. "You ready to go?" "Hi, Wes." His mom said from the screen, smiling.
573:48 His mom said from the screen, smiling. He talked to her every day, the little
573:50 He talked to her every day, the little mama's boy. And I'd be lying if I said I
573:53 mama's boy. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of how close
573:54 wasn't a little jealous of how close they were. "How's your ankle?" I glanced
573:58 they were. "How's your ankle?" I glanced at Mick, who shrugged and said, "It's a
574:01 at Mick, who shrugged and said, "It's a funny story I had to tell her. It's
574:04 funny story I had to tell her. It's better, Mrs. Solomon, I said. Thank you.
574:08 better, Mrs. Solomon, I said. Thank you. Nice, Sue. She gestured with her hands
574:10 Nice, Sue. She gestured with her hands for me to do a spin. Tonight's the big
574:13 for me to do a spin. Tonight's the big date. Christ, did he tell you everything
574:15 date. Christ, did he tell you everything about my life? I said, laughing in spite
574:18 about my life? I said, laughing in spite of my nervousness as I spun around. Of
574:21 of my nervousness as I spun around. Of course I did, because she likes to know
574:23 course I did, because she likes to know what my little pals are up to. Mick
574:25 what my little pals are up to. Mick pulled his keyring out of his pocket and
574:27 pulled his keyring out of his pocket and tossed it over. Be gentle with Alice.
574:30 tossed it over. Be gentle with Alice. She's fragile. I will. Thanks a lot,
574:34 She's fragile. I will. Thanks a lot, man. No problem. Good night, Mrs.
574:37 man. No problem. Good night, Mrs. Solomon. I said, waving to his mother on
574:40 Solomon. I said, waving to his mother on the FaceTime screen. Good night and good
574:42 the FaceTime screen. Good night and good luck, Wesley.
574:44 luck, Wesley. As soon as I closed the door to his room
574:46 As soon as I closed the door to his room and he started talking again, I put on
574:48 and he started talking again, I put on my shoes. Of course, it was hard to tie
574:51 my shoes. Of course, it was hard to tie them while flipping off AJ and Mick for
574:53 them while flipping off AJ and Mick for taking photos like they were my parents,
574:55 taking photos like they were my parents, and I was going to prom. I was laughing
574:58 and I was going to prom. I was laughing my ass off as they yelled to me from the
575:00 my ass off as they yelled to me from the stairs. And it wasn't until I was in the
575:02 stairs. And it wasn't until I was in the car and driving toward Liz's place that
575:05 car and driving toward Liz's place that I got insanely nervous. Not to be with
575:07 I got insanely nervous. Not to be with her because that was the easiest thing
575:09 her because that was the easiest thing in the world to be. No, I was nervous
575:13 in the world to be. No, I was nervous about how hopeful I was. It was so
575:16 about how hopeful I was. It was so close, finally within reach, that I was
575:19 close, finally within reach, that I was terrified it was going to disappear,
575:22 terrified it was going to disappear, which explained why I could barely speak
575:24 which explained why I could barely speak when Liz opened the door and said, "Hi."
575:28 when Liz opened the door and said, "Hi." I couldn't think of a response or any
575:30 I couldn't think of a response or any words at all. So, I parided Liz while my
575:33 words at all. So, I parided Liz while my heart rate skyrocketed.
575:35 heart rate skyrocketed. Hi. She was standing there in her
575:37 Hi. She was standing there in her apartment doorway looking like a
575:39 apartment doorway looking like a goddess. And I was reduced to a caveman
575:42 goddess. And I was reduced to a caveman who just stared with his mouth hanging
575:43 who just stared with his mouth hanging wide open. But she was wearing this
575:45 wide open. But she was wearing this frothy gauzy black dress that exposed
575:48 frothy gauzy black dress that exposed her bare shoulders and a lot of leg that
575:51 her bare shoulders and a lot of leg that was supported by black high heels that
575:52 was supported by black high heels that had criss-cross ties around her ankles.
575:55 had criss-cross ties around her ankles. Hella distracting those. I feel like
575:59 Hella distracting those. I feel like it's cliche to say this as I arrived for
576:01 it's cliche to say this as I arrived for a date, I said, lost in the way her long
576:04 a date, I said, lost in the way her long curls framed her face. But you are so
576:06 curls framed her face. But you are so stunning, it hurts, Bugs Bow. The arch
576:09 stunning, it hurts, Bugs Bow. The arch of her eyebrows, the high flush on her
576:11 of her eyebrows, the high flush on her cheeks, the clear gloss on her mouth.
576:14 cheeks, the clear gloss on her mouth. Would I ever get tired of looking at
576:16 Would I ever get tired of looking at her? Her face was the only thing my eyes
576:18 her? Her face was the only thing my eyes ever wanted to see. I swear to God. And
576:21 ever wanted to see. I swear to God. And she smelled incredible. Thanks, she
576:24 she smelled incredible. Thanks, she said. her lips turning up into a tiny
576:26 said. her lips turning up into a tiny smile. "You look good in a suit,
576:29 smile. "You look good in a suit, Bennett. Quit hitting on me. I just got
576:31 Bennett. Quit hitting on me. I just got here," I said, trying to calm my nerves.
576:35 here," I said, trying to calm my nerves. But tonight felt important for us, like
576:37 But tonight felt important for us, like a gateway to the possibility of
576:39 a gateway to the possibility of something. I had no margin for error, no
576:42 something. I had no margin for error, no wiggle room, so I was determined to make
576:44 wiggle room, so I was determined to make it count. "Sorry I'm so aggressive," she
576:48 it count. "Sorry I'm so aggressive," she teased. "My bad." You've got to ease
576:51 teased. "My bad." You've got to ease into it, I said, loving her tiny smirk
576:54 into it, I said, loving her tiny smirk as she tilted her head and pretended to
576:55 as she tilted her head and pretended to be annoyed by me. Stick with me and I'll
576:58 be annoyed by me. Stick with me and I'll teach you how to have game. That's what
577:00 teach you how to have game. That's what I'm afraid of. Neither of us spoke as we
577:03 I'm afraid of. Neither of us spoke as we took the elevator downstairs, but I was
577:06 took the elevator downstairs, but I was impressed by my ability to appear
577:07 impressed by my ability to appear relaxed in spite of the fact that my
577:09 relaxed in spite of the fact that my chest was tight and my heart rate was
577:11 chest was tight and my heart rate was elevated to what was surely an unhealthy
577:13 elevated to what was surely an unhealthy tripledigit readout. So far, so good.
577:18 tripledigit readout. So far, so good. Mickey let me borrow his car and I
577:20 Mickey let me borrow his car and I vacuumed it out, but she's pretty rough,
577:24 vacuumed it out, but she's pretty rough, I said as we walked outside. Alice and I
577:27 I said as we walked outside. Alice and I are old friends, so it's fine, she said.
577:30 are old friends, so it's fine, she said. And I was still amazed that she was
577:32 And I was still amazed that she was already friends with the teammates who
577:34 already friends with the teammates who are my new friends. At least she's
577:36 are my new friends. At least she's running. True, I agreed. And I was glad
577:40 running. True, I agreed. And I was glad she seemed nervous. Hopefully, it meant
577:43 she seemed nervous. Hopefully, it meant that she saw this night as important,
577:44 that she saw this night as important, too. The good thing was that we both
577:46 too. The good thing was that we both seemed nervous, yet it wasn't an
577:48 seemed nervous, yet it wasn't an awkwardness that was heavy on tension.
577:51 awkwardness that was heavy on tension. It was like typical first date jitters.
577:55 It was like typical first date jitters. But then I started the car and things
577:57 But then I started the car and things got weird. She was buckling her seat
577:59 got weird. She was buckling her seat belt as I pulled away from the curb and
578:01 belt as I pulled away from the curb and she was humming a little. 3 seconds
578:04 she was humming a little. 3 seconds later, she asked, "Is this City of
578:07 later, she asked, "Is this City of Stars?" I kept my eyes on the road, not
578:10 Stars?" I kept my eyes on the road, not wanting to seem too self- congratulatory
578:12 wanting to seem too self- congratulatory as I said. It is.
578:15 as I said. It is. Wow, she said, sounding confused as the
578:18 Wow, she said, sounding confused as the song from La La Land swirled around us
578:20 song from La La Land swirled around us and mixed piece of crap car. Confused
578:23 and mixed piece of crap car. Confused instead of charmed. I haven't heard that
578:26 instead of charmed. I haven't heard that in ages. I had intentionally turned it
578:28 in ages. I had intentionally turned it on because she used to love that movie,
578:31 on because she used to love that movie, so I was shocked as hell when she hit
578:32 so I was shocked as hell when she hit the arrow to forward to the next song.
578:35 the arrow to forward to the next song. Okay.
578:37 Okay. Unfortunately, my music was on shuffle.
578:40 Unfortunately, my music was on shuffle. So, the next song that came on was Club
578:42 So, the next song that came on was Club Sandwich, which meant that instead of
578:44 Sandwich, which meant that instead of romantic date music, Alice's interior
578:47 romantic date music, Alice's interior was now being soiled with a punk rap
578:49 was now being soiled with a punk rap song about eating a sandwich in the
578:50 song about eating a sandwich in the club. Great running song, but not so
578:53 club. Great running song, but not so great for a date. What is this? She
578:56 great for a date. What is this? She asked, and when I glanced over, she
578:58 asked, and when I glanced over, she looked like she was fighting back a
579:00 looked like she was fighting back a smile, which made everything okay. Club
579:03 smile, which made everything okay. Club sandwich? I replied around a laugh
579:05 sandwich? I replied around a laugh because it was ridiculous that my
579:07 because it was ridiculous that my perfect date song had been replaced by
579:09 perfect date song had been replaced by Joey Valance in Bray. It's a great
579:12 Joey Valance in Bray. It's a great lifting song. I'm not sure I believe
579:15 lifting song. I'm not sure I believe you, she teased, a smile finally curving
579:18 you, she teased, a smile finally curving her lips. I'm in the club with my
579:21 her lips. I'm in the club with my sandwich. Yo, call that a club sandwich.
579:25 sandwich. Yo, call that a club sandwich. Yeah, I get that, I said. But kudos to
579:29 Yeah, I get that, I said. But kudos to me for finding a song Liz Bucks Bomb
579:31 me for finding a song Liz Bucks Bomb doesn't know, right? Sure, she said,
579:34 doesn't know, right? Sure, she said, deafly stealing the Bluetooth connection
579:36 deafly stealing the Bluetooth connection with her phone. Here, pallet cleanser. I
579:40 with her phone. Here, pallet cleanser. I knew it from the first note, even though
579:42 knew it from the first note, even though she probably assumed I didn't. I'd
579:44 she probably assumed I didn't. I'd listened to a lot of Laney in the secret
579:46 listened to a lot of Laney in the secret area when I was depressingly alone in
579:48 area when I was depressingly alone in Omaha. And cowboy in LA had been one of
579:52 Omaha. And cowboy in LA had been one of my favorite ways to pick at the ironic
579:53 my favorite ways to pick at the ironic scab that had been my new life. "Where
579:56 scab that had been my new life. "Where are you taking me, by the way?" she
579:58 are you taking me, by the way?" she asked, her eyes out the window. I
580:01 asked, her eyes out the window. I thought I'd selected the perfect place,
580:03 thought I'd selected the perfect place, but her knee-jerk deletion of what I'd
580:05 but her knee-jerk deletion of what I'd considered the perfect date song had me
580:07 considered the perfect date song had me second-guessing my decision. So, I said,
580:11 second-guessing my decision. So, I said, "It's a surprise."
580:13 "It's a surprise." When we moved to LA 2 years ago, we'd
580:15 When we moved to LA 2 years ago, we'd always said we were going to go on a
580:17 always said we were going to go on a date to the restaurant from La La Land.
580:19 date to the restaurant from La La Land. So, my thinking for tonight had been,
580:22 So, my thinking for tonight had been, what better place to take her for dinner
580:24 what better place to take her for dinner while her favorite song from the
580:26 while her favorite song from the soundtrack played on the way. She didn't
580:28 soundtrack played on the way. She didn't say anything when the restaurant came
580:30 say anything when the restaurant came into sight, and I worried I'd gotten it
580:32 into sight, and I worried I'd gotten it wrong. I wanted to give her the perfect
580:35 wrong. I wanted to give her the perfect romantic night, a new beginning to the
580:37 romantic night, a new beginning to the version 2.0 of our story, and I honestly
580:40 version 2.0 of our story, and I honestly thought I'd killed it. I didn't know why
580:43 thought I'd killed it. I didn't know why it was wrong, but I could tell it wasn't
580:45 it was wrong, but I could tell it wasn't right. "Is that okay?" I asked. "No,
580:49 right. "Is that okay?" I asked. "No, that's great," she said, pushing up a
580:52 that's great," she said, pushing up a very fake smile. "I'm excited."
580:56 very fake smile. "I'm excited." It wasn't. And I suspected she wasn't.
581:00 It wasn't. And I suspected she wasn't. But why
581:02 But why did she hate La La Land now? God, she
581:05 did she hate La La Land now? God, she used to love that movie, even though it
581:08 used to love that movie, even though it made her cry every time. I hate not
581:11 made her cry every time. I hate not knowing her like I used to. I was
581:14 knowing her like I used to. I was fascinated by the person she'd become.
581:16 fascinated by the person she'd become. But tonight felt like one of those times
581:18 But tonight felt like one of those times when I needed to nail the correct
581:19 when I needed to nail the correct answers. So, I wasn't happy when, as I
581:23 answers. So, I wasn't happy when, as I pulled up to the valet stand, the car
581:25 pulled up to the valet stand, the car made a weird noise. It sounded like a
581:28 made a weird noise. It sounded like a cough. Then it sputtered and then it
581:30 cough. Then it sputtered and then it turned off. "No, no, no, no. That's not
581:35 turned off. "No, no, no, no. That's not good," I murmured, turning the key and
581:37 good," I murmured, turning the key and giving it gas. But the car just worred
581:40 giving it gas. But the car just worred and wouldn't catch. "Come on, Alice."
581:43 and wouldn't catch. "Come on, Alice." "Shit."
581:44 "Shit." "Good evening, sir," the valet said,
581:47 "Good evening, sir," the valet said, pulling my door open as the man looked
581:49 pulling my door open as the man looked at the car like it was going to be
581:50 at the car like it was going to be physically painful for him to have
581:52 physically painful for him to have contact with it. Miss, I heard another
581:55 contact with it. Miss, I heard another fancy employee say from the other side
581:57 fancy employee say from the other side of the car as he opened Liz's door.
582:00 of the car as he opened Liz's door. Hang on for a sec, I said, trying again
582:03 Hang on for a sec, I said, trying again to get it to start. It just needs a
582:05 to get it to start. It just needs a minute. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Liz
582:09 minute. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Liz got out and stepped onto the curb while
582:12 got out and stepped onto the curb while I kept trying the same things to get the
582:13 I kept trying the same things to get the car to start, even though they weren't
582:15 car to start, even though they weren't working. Insane much? I could feel the
582:19 working. Insane much? I could feel the valet glaring at me from his spot beside
582:21 valet glaring at me from his spot beside the car. I don't know what the problem
582:23 the car. I don't know what the problem is, I said repeatedly turning the key
582:26 is, I said repeatedly turning the key like an idiot.
582:28 like an idiot. Sir, uh, we need this car out of the
582:30 Sir, uh, we need this car out of the valet lane. The valet, Greor, according
582:34 valet lane. The valet, Greor, according to his name tag, said, "Oh, no shit."
582:39 to his name tag, said, "Oh, no shit." "I'm trying, buddy," I snapped, wanting
582:42 "I'm trying, buddy," I snapped, wanting him to disappear. We cannot have it
582:45 him to disappear. We cannot have it stalled here. The valet looked over the
582:47 stalled here. The valet looked over the top of the car and gestured to Liz like
582:49 top of the car and gestured to Liz like she had the power to make it magically
582:51 she had the power to make it magically start again. "Neither can we," she said,
582:54 start again. "Neither can we," she said, her voice loud. "We're doing our best
582:57 her voice loud. "We're doing our best here." "Sir, you're going to have to
582:59 here." "Sir, you're going to have to push it out of the way," the guy said to
583:02 push it out of the way," the guy said to me, pointing to a spot farther down the
583:04 me, pointing to a spot farther down the street. "Over there, and then you can
583:07 street. "Over there, and then you can have it towed." I could sense the eyes
583:09 have it towed." I could sense the eyes of other customers on me as well as
583:11 of other customers on me as well as Liz's, and I was mortified. She was
583:15 Liz's, and I was mortified. She was probably so embarrassed to be seen with
583:16 probably so embarrassed to be seen with me with all this. "Well, I'm going to
583:20 me with all this. "Well, I'm going to need your help then," I growled at valet
583:22 need your help then," I growled at valet dude, gritting my teeth and wanting to
583:24 dude, gritting my teeth and wanting to rage. "Can you at least get in the car
583:26 rage. "Can you at least get in the car and steer while I push?" "That's against
583:29 and steer while I push?" "That's against policy, I'm afraid," he said, looking
583:32 policy, I'm afraid," he said, looking very happy with that fact. "Yeah, you
583:35 very happy with that fact. "Yeah, you should be afraid, you dick." "I will,"
583:38 should be afraid, you dick." "I will," Liz said, coming around the car. But I
583:41 Liz said, coming around the car. But I have to say, you are very not helpful,
583:44 have to say, you are very not helpful, Greor. I would have laughed at that, but
583:47 Greor. I would have laughed at that, but I was too busy climbing out of the car
583:49 I was too busy climbing out of the car and being up close and personal with all
583:50 and being up close and personal with all the onlookers who were staring. I could
583:53 the onlookers who were staring. I could see in my peripheral vision that my tie
583:55 see in my peripheral vision that my tie was wonky, and my face burned as I said
583:57 was wonky, and my face burned as I said to Liz, "I'll call Mickey because you
584:00 to Liz, "I'll call Mickey because you are not helping while dressed like
584:01 are not helping while dressed like that." "Yes, I am," she said, rolling
584:05 that." "Yes, I am," she said, rolling her eyes as if she thought not helping
584:06 her eyes as if she thought not helping was ludicrous.
584:08 was ludicrous. No, you're not, I repeated, rolling my
584:11 No, you're not, I repeated, rolling my eyes. Shut up and push, Bennett, while I
584:14 eyes. Shut up and push, Bennett, while I steer, she said, putting her hands on my
584:17 steer, she said, putting her hands on my chest and giving me a little push out of
584:18 chest and giving me a little push out of the way. And quit looking so grumpy.
584:22 the way. And quit looking so grumpy. God, I love her. I looked down into her
584:25 God, I love her. I looked down into her stubborn face and said, "Fine." She
584:28 stubborn face and said, "Fine." She climbed into the car and put it in
584:30 climbed into the car and put it in neutral. And when I yelled, "Go," she
584:33 neutral. And when I yelled, "Go," she steered while I pushed. It was a warm
584:35 steered while I pushed. It was a warm evening, so I was sweating my ass off
584:37 evening, so I was sweating my ass off when the car was finally parked and Liz
584:39 when the car was finally parked and Liz got out. "I am so sorry about this," I
584:43 got out. "I am so sorry about this," I said, taking the keys and setting my
584:45 said, taking the keys and setting my hand on her lower back, guiding her
584:47 hand on her lower back, guiding her toward the sidewalk in front of the
584:48 toward the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. "It doesn't matter," she
584:51 restaurant. "It doesn't matter," she shrugged and said. "It's not even your
584:53 shrugged and said. "It's not even your car." I called the tow truck and once it
584:57 car." I called the tow truck and once it was arranged, I held out the keys to
584:58 was arranged, I held out the keys to Gregor. That [ __ ] We have a reservation
585:02 Gregor. That [ __ ] We have a reservation inside and the tow truck will be here in
585:04 inside and the tow truck will be here in an hour for the car. Here are the keys.
585:08 an hour for the car. Here are the keys. Greor looked at the keys like they were
585:09 Greor looked at the keys like they were filthy. I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
585:12 filthy. I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stay with the car until the driver
585:14 to stay with the car until the driver arrives. But we'll miss our reservation,
585:17 arrives. But we'll miss our reservation, I said calmly, refusing to let my anger
585:20 I said calmly, refusing to let my anger get the best of me. I already told the
585:22 get the best of me. I already told the driver to get the keys from the valet.
585:25 driver to get the keys from the valet. It's company policy. You have to stay
585:28 It's company policy. You have to stay with the car. Can we change our
585:30 with the car. Can we change our reservation? Liz asked. We'll be in as
585:33 reservation? Liz asked. We'll be in as soon as the car is picked up.
585:36 soon as the car is picked up. I'm sorry, miss, but we are booked this
585:38 I'm sorry, miss, but we are booked this evening, so we cannot make any changes.
585:40 evening, so we cannot make any changes. I'll leave the keys in the car then, I
585:42 I'll leave the keys in the car then, I said, wanting to lose it, wanting to
585:45 said, wanting to lose it, wanting to throw a temper tantrum because why the
585:47 throw a temper tantrum because why the hell was this happening on the night
585:48 hell was this happening on the night where I was supposed to be pulling off
585:49 where I was supposed to be pulling off the perfect date. Sir, you have to stay
585:53 the perfect date. Sir, you have to stay with your car until the tow arrives. I
585:56 with your car until the tow arrives. I looked at Liz, then said to Greor, "What
585:59 looked at Liz, then said to Greor, "What if I don't? It's not like this is the
586:01 if I don't? It's not like this is the airport where cars aren't allowed to be
586:03 airport where cars aren't allowed to be parked for God's sake. We will have your
586:06 parked for God's sake. We will have your car towed if it's left unattended.
586:08 car towed if it's left unattended. Unfortunately, because this is private
586:10 Unfortunately, because this is private property." "Well, that's perfect, isn't
586:13 property." "Well, that's perfect, isn't it? Because it's already being towed," I
586:16 it? Because it's already being towed," I said through clenched teeth, wanting to
586:18 said through clenched teeth, wanting to hurt Gregor the [ __ ] "We're going to go
586:21 hurt Gregor the [ __ ] "We're going to go eat, Greg." I grabbed Liz's hand and
586:24 eat, Greg." I grabbed Liz's hand and tried to lead her toward the restaurant,
586:26 tried to lead her toward the restaurant, but she wasn't budging. She gave me a
586:28 but she wasn't budging. She gave me a look and said, "Wes, it's Mix's car.
586:33 look and said, "Wes, it's Mix's car. It's Alice. We can't have it end up at
586:35 It's Alice. We can't have it end up at some random impound lot." I dragged a
586:38 some random impound lot." I dragged a hand through my hair and felt the
586:40 hand through my hair and felt the perfect date slipping away. "But we have
586:43 perfect date slipping away. "But we have a reservation.
586:44 a reservation. I'm not even hungry," she said,
586:47 I'm not even hungry," she said, shrugging, then added in a very loud
586:49 shrugging, then added in a very loud voice. and I heard the food here sucks.
586:53 voice. and I heard the food here sucks. Marry me, Bucks bomb. She squeezed my
586:56 Marry me, Bucks bomb. She squeezed my hand and said, "Let's just wait for the
586:59 hand and said, "Let's just wait for the tow truck to get Alice and then we'll
587:01 tow truck to get Alice and then we'll come up with a plan B." I sighed and
587:03 come up with a plan B." I sighed and looked for disappointment in her green
587:05 looked for disappointment in her green eyes, but I couldn't find it. "You
587:08 eyes, but I couldn't find it. "You sure?" "I'm positive," she said,
587:11 sure?" "I'm positive," she said, nodding. "Plan B's are always more fun."
587:22 Chapter 38. My nightmares are usually about losing
587:24 My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're
587:27 you. I'm okay once I realize you're here.
587:28 here. Catching fire.
587:31 Catching fire. Liz,
587:37 is he looking? I glanced toward the valet, my abs seriously sore from
587:40 valet, my abs seriously sore from laughing so hard. Oh, yeah. He wants to
587:44 laughing so hard. Oh, yeah. He wants to kill us.
587:46 kill us. Perfect.
587:47 Perfect. Wes grinned and climbed on top of the
587:50 Wes grinned and climbed on top of the trunk beside me, on top of the red and
587:53 trunk beside me, on top of the red and white plastic tablecloth that he draped
587:55 white plastic tablecloth that he draped over the trunk. When I'd said the words
587:58 over the trunk. When I'd said the words plan B to Wes, he got that twinkle in
588:01 plan B to Wes, he got that twinkle in his eye and then it was on. Wes Bennett
588:05 his eye and then it was on. Wes Bennett was supercharged in a way that only Wes
588:08 was supercharged in a way that only Wes became supercharged. He clicked into his
588:10 became supercharged. He clicked into his Door Dash app, placed a few orders, and
588:13 Door Dash app, placed a few orders, and now a mere 20 minutes later, we were
588:16 now a mere 20 minutes later, we were having a trunk top candle lit dinner.
588:19 having a trunk top candle lit dinner. The tablecloth, candle, and battery
588:21 The tablecloth, candle, and battery operated disco ball were from CVS, the
588:24 operated disco ball were from CVS, the food from McDonald's.
588:27 food from McDonald's. We were sitting there eating Big Macs on
588:29 We were sitting there eating Big Macs on top of the trunk while Mick's car stereo
588:32 top of the trunk while Mick's car stereo blared the song [ __ ] You by Lily Allen
588:36 blared the song [ __ ] You by Lily Allen on repeat.
588:38 on repeat. Nice musical selection, Bucks," he said,
588:42 Nice musical selection, Bucks," he said, lifting his burger to his mouth. And I
588:45 lifting his burger to his mouth. And I realized I was having a very hard time
588:46 realized I was having a very hard time looking away from him. It had been that
588:49 looking away from him. It had been that way since he'd picked me up because he'd
588:52 way since he'd picked me up because he'd always been an attractive person, but
588:54 always been an attractive person, but now he'd become something more,
588:58 now he'd become something more, bigger, stronger, harder.
589:03 bigger, stronger, harder. He was almost too gorgeous to look at.
589:06 He was almost too gorgeous to look at. and the suit amped his gorgeousness to
589:08 and the suit amped his gorgeousness to an impossible degree. I'd nearly inhaled
589:11 an impossible degree. I'd nearly inhaled my gum when he showed up at my door.
589:14 my gum when he showed up at my door. The Lily Allen version felt somehow
589:16 The Lily Allen version felt somehow classier than CEO Greens, I said. Glad
589:20 classier than CEO Greens, I said. Glad it was too dark for him to notice my
589:22 it was too dark for him to notice my cheeks.
589:24 cheeks. "And this is why you're the expert," he
589:26 "And this is why you're the expert," he said, taking a bite. "Unmatched
589:30 said, taking a bite. "Unmatched elegance."
589:32 elegance." I started laughing again, glad the car
589:35 I started laughing again, glad the car had broken down
589:37 had broken down because it felt safer with West when we
589:39 because it felt safer with West when we were far removed from our past.
589:42 were far removed from our past. Sitting here eating on the trunk of a
589:44 Sitting here eating on the trunk of a car in front of a famous Burbank
589:46 car in front of a famous Burbank restaurant was like a different us.
589:50 restaurant was like a different us. It felt like we were two UCLA students
589:53 It felt like we were two UCLA students on a date, not two exes with a pile of
589:57 on a date, not two exes with a pile of historical baggage.
589:59 historical baggage. And I could somehow handle that.
590:02 And I could somehow handle that. It was almost like our past was too
590:04 It was almost like our past was too exhausting and confusing to my heart.
590:07 exhausting and confusing to my heart. Like a complex algebra equation on a
590:10 Like a complex algebra equation on a test where it seemed safer to skip it
590:12 test where it seemed safer to skip it and just move on to the next question.
590:15 and just move on to the next question. Like yes, it was an important problem,
590:18 Like yes, it was an important problem, but how could I finish the exam when I
590:21 but how could I finish the exam when I didn't even know where to start with
590:22 didn't even know where to start with that question?
590:24 that question? It was too overwhelming.
590:27 It was too overwhelming. When I'd heard City of Stars on the way
590:29 When I'd heard City of Stars on the way to the restaurant, I couldn't stop my
590:32 to the restaurant, I couldn't stop my brain from remembering the times we'd
590:34 brain from remembering the times we'd watched that movie together. Wes used to
590:37 watched that movie together. Wes used to think it was adorable, the way it was
590:39 think it was adorable, the way it was impossible for me to not cry when Mia
590:41 impossible for me to not cry when Mia sees Sebastian at the club. And he used
590:44 sees Sebastian at the club. And he used to make it his mission to kiss the cry
590:47 to make it his mission to kiss the cry out of me.
590:48 out of me. So, the fact that he got us a
590:50 So, the fact that he got us a reservation at the club from the movie,
590:53 reservation at the club from the movie, the one we talked about visiting on a
590:55 the one we talked about visiting on a date during our first time together at
590:57 date during our first time together at UCLA,
590:59 UCLA, God, I struggled to keep my eyes from
591:01 God, I struggled to keep my eyes from tearing up as he proudly told me his
591:04 tearing up as he proudly told me his amazingly romantic plan.
591:07 amazingly romantic plan. Too overwhelming reconciling all that.
591:11 Too overwhelming reconciling all that. But as I sat there with him on the trunk
591:14 But as I sat there with him on the trunk of the car, it felt different enough
591:17 of the car, it felt different enough that I could relax a little. The part of
591:20 that I could relax a little. The part of me that was dying to be with Wes wanted
591:23 me that was dying to be with Wes wanted to go that route
591:25 to go that route to just pretend the past didn't exist
591:28 to just pretend the past didn't exist for a night.
591:30 for a night. It was nonsensical, but it kind of felt
591:33 It was nonsensical, but it kind of felt like a cheat code, like a skip to the
591:36 like a cheat code, like a skip to the good part card.
591:39 good part card. So, this internship with Lilith, he
591:41 So, this internship with Lilith, he said, picking up his coke, how's it
591:44 said, picking up his coke, how's it going? I Googled her and she's like
591:48 going? I Googled her and she's like super legit, right?
591:50 super legit, right? Yeah, I said, grabbing a fry. She's the
591:54 Yeah, I said, grabbing a fry. She's the real deal and it's kind of amazing.
591:58 real deal and it's kind of amazing. I went off then because it was
592:00 I went off then because it was impossible not to fan girl over Lilith.
592:03 impossible not to fan girl over Lilith. I told him all about her work and the
592:06 I told him all about her work and the ideas she had for my career and he asked
592:09 ideas she had for my career and he asked all the right questions.
592:12 all the right questions. So, you get a job in music licensing and
592:15 So, you get a job in music licensing and you've got a 9 to5 with a salary and
592:17 you've got a 9 to5 with a salary and benefits, but while you do this, your
592:20 benefits, but while you do this, your entire job is working with and helping
592:23 entire job is working with and helping out all the people you want to work with
592:25 out all the people you want to work with as a supervisor. No way. That's genius,
592:30 as a supervisor. No way. That's genius, right? I said. And she volunteers all
592:33 right? I said. And she volunteers all this helpful stuff to me on a daily
592:35 this helpful stuff to me on a daily basis. It's insane how much I've already
592:38 basis. It's insane how much I've already gotten out of the internship and it's
592:40 gotten out of the internship and it's still new.
592:42 still new. Is the constant baseball driving you
592:44 Is the constant baseball driving you crazy though? He reached out and grabbed
592:46 crazy though? He reached out and grabbed my pickle, then paused.
592:50 my pickle, then paused. Wait, can I have
592:53 Wait, can I have That made me laugh.
592:56 That made me laugh. Yeah, I still hate them. Go ahead.
593:00 Yeah, I still hate them. Go ahead. >> Sweet,
593:01 >> Sweet, >> he said, tossing it into his mouth.
593:05 >> he said, tossing it into his mouth. And the baseball thing is driving me
593:07 And the baseball thing is driving me crazy, but only because it's hard to
593:09 crazy, but only because it's hard to find time to study. I wiped my fingers
593:12 find time to study. I wiped my fingers on a napkin and said, "I actually really
593:16 on a napkin and said, "I actually really like producing sports content, believe
593:17 like producing sports content, believe it or not." "I forgot to tell you, Lib
593:20 it or not." "I forgot to tell you, Lib the super massive black hole reel was so
593:23 the super massive black hole reel was so good," he said, grabbing a few fries
593:26 good," he said, grabbing a few fries from his plate.
593:28 from his plate. I think I watched it a hundred times.
593:31 I think I watched it a hundred times. Only because it showcases your pitching,
593:33 Only because it showcases your pitching, egoomaniac,
593:34 egoomaniac, I teased, feeling something in the
593:37 I teased, feeling something in the center of my chest turned to hot liquid
593:40 center of my chest turned to hot liquid when he left.
593:42 when he left. His eyes were squinty, his dimples
593:45 His eyes were squinty, his dimples popping, and I wanted to stay there on
593:48 popping, and I wanted to stay there on the trunk of the car laughing with him
593:50 the trunk of the car laughing with him forever.
593:52 forever. Okay, you did make me look good, he
593:55 Okay, you did make me look good, he said, nodding in agreement. But the song
593:58 said, nodding in agreement. But the song choice, the camera angles, the way you
594:01 choice, the camera angles, the way you paired my release with the perfect spot
594:03 paired my release with the perfect spot in the song, it was like a short film.
594:06 in the song, it was like a short film. Swear to God.
594:08 Swear to God. Thanks, I said, looking down because it
594:12 Thanks, I said, looking down because it was embarrassing how much I liked his
594:14 was embarrassing how much I liked his praise.
594:15 praise. I needed to change the subject away from
594:17 I needed to change the subject away from me. So, I asked, "What about you?
594:22 me. So, I asked, "What about you? How do you handle all that math and
594:24 How do you handle all that math and science when your whole life is
594:26 science when your whole life is baseball?"
594:28 baseball?" "Do you want the truth?" he said, giving
594:32 "Do you want the truth?" he said, giving me that little boy half smile of his.
594:35 me that little boy half smile of his. "Or should I try to sound cool?" "Truth
594:39 "Or should I try to sound cool?" "Truth only," I said, genuinely curious.
594:43 only," I said, genuinely curious. The truth is that I probably love my
594:47 The truth is that I probably love my math and science classes as much as I
594:49 math and science classes as much as I love baseball. Finding time is hard, he
594:53 love baseball. Finding time is hard, he said. But my classes challenge me in a
594:56 said. But my classes challenge me in a fun way.
594:58 fun way. God, you're such a nerd, I teased,
595:02 God, you're such a nerd, I teased, shaking my head. And you're still doing
595:05 shaking my head. And you're still doing civil engineering?
595:07 civil engineering? He nodded. I was going to do
595:09 He nodded. I was going to do architectural until I realized that
595:12 architectural until I realized that would only have me designing things like
595:14 would only have me designing things like HVAC and lighting, whereas I like to be
595:17 HVAC and lighting, whereas I like to be a little more creative. It was weird to
595:20 a little more creative. It was weird to think this when we were the same age,
595:22 think this when we were the same age, but I was so proud of him as he sat
595:25 but I was so proud of him as he sat there telling me about his career goals.
595:28 there telling me about his career goals. He wanted to go into water engineering,
595:31 He wanted to go into water engineering, like designing dams and focusing on
595:34 like designing dams and focusing on watershed management. I didn't even know
595:36 watershed management. I didn't even know what that meant. and he was so intent
595:39 what that meant. and he was so intent and purposeful that it was a little
595:41 and purposeful that it was a little inspiring.
595:43 inspiring. Wes Bennett had his [ __ ] together.
595:46 Wes Bennett had his [ __ ] together. His phone lit up and Wade's name popped
595:49 His phone lit up and Wade's name popped up on the screen. "Come on," he said,
595:53 up on the screen. "Come on," he said, grinning as he looked at the message.
595:56 grinning as he looked at the message. "Look,
595:58 "Look, Wade, text us a selfie. After much
596:01 Wade, text us a selfie. After much discourse, we no longer believe that Bxy
596:04 discourse, we no longer believe that Bxy would go out with you."
596:06 would go out with you." I should say no, I said laughing at the
596:09 I should say no, I said laughing at the thought. And let your friends think
596:11 thought. And let your friends think you're a liar.
596:14 you're a liar. But you won't, he said, leaning closer
596:17 But you won't, he said, leaning closer and holding out his phone. Smile, Bucks
596:20 and holding out his phone. Smile, Bucks bomb.
596:22 bomb. He took the picture, and we both shared
596:24 He took the picture, and we both shared a stupid smile as we looked at it
596:27 a stupid smile as we looked at it because it was a great picture of two
596:30 because it was a great picture of two overdressed people eating fast food on
596:32 overdressed people eating fast food on the trunk of a car.
596:34 the trunk of a car. He's going to give me so much crap about
596:36 He's going to give me so much crap about this fancy dinner, he said, sending the
596:39 this fancy dinner, he said, sending the photo.
596:41 photo. Yeah, he is. I agreed. How can he be so
596:45 Yeah, he is. I agreed. How can he be so obnoxious yet still lovable?
596:48 obnoxious yet still lovable? It's a special gift.
596:51 It's a special gift. After that, the conversation shifted to
596:53 After that, the conversation shifted to Wade and Campbell, which added to my
596:56 Wade and Campbell, which added to my enjoyment because they were friends that
596:58 enjoyment because they were friends that had nothing to do with our past. He told
597:01 had nothing to do with our past. He told me that Wade really did like my roommate
597:04 me that Wade really did like my roommate to the point that he was too nervous to
597:06 to the point that he was too nervous to ask her out. "Your tow truck!" Greor
597:11 ask her out. "Your tow truck!" Greor yelled from where he'd been stationed,
597:14 yelled from where he'd been stationed, shooting glares in our direction is
597:17 shooting glares in our direction is here.
597:18 here. "Thank you to Greor,"
597:22 "Thank you to Greor," Wes said loudly, lifting his large
597:25 Wes said loudly, lifting his large McDonald's coke. to Greor," I repeated,
597:30 McDonald's coke. to Greor," I repeated, tapping my cup against his. The flashing
597:33 tapping my cup against his. The flashing yellow lights on the tow truck lit up
597:35 yellow lights on the tow truck lit up the darkness, and I was honestly a
597:38 the darkness, and I was honestly a little sad to see it because I was
597:40 little sad to see it because I was having a great time.
597:49 Chapter 39. I'd say it was fate, but you probably
597:52 I'd say it was fate, but you probably chose to be 4 minutes late. Love at
597:55 chose to be 4 minutes late. Love at first sight.
597:57 first sight. Wes,
597:59 Wes, I don't want this night to end. It had
598:02 I don't want this night to end. It had been a wildly imperfect date, but Liz
598:05 been a wildly imperfect date, but Liz didn't seem to mind. Even crammed in the
598:08 didn't seem to mind. Even crammed in the front seat of the tow truck between me
598:10 front seat of the tow truck between me and the driver, she was grinning.
598:13 and the driver, she was grinning. I need more time.
598:15 I need more time. Which was why when we pulled up to a red
598:18 Which was why when we pulled up to a red light beside the high school that was
598:19 light beside the high school that was just up the street from campus, the one
598:21 just up the street from campus, the one Mick and I hopped the fence at multiple
598:23 Mick and I hopped the fence at multiple times, I came up with a crazy idea. Can
598:27 times, I came up with a crazy idea. Can we get out here? I asked the tow truck
598:29 we get out here? I asked the tow truck driver. You can just set the car down
598:31 driver. You can just set the car down anywhere in the hitch parking lot. The
598:33 anywhere in the hitch parking lot. The old guy looked at me like I was nuts.
598:36 old guy looked at me like I was nuts. You want to get out here? Liz, on the
598:39 You want to get out here? Liz, on the other hand, just narrowed her eyes and
598:41 other hand, just narrowed her eyes and looked at me like she was waiting for
598:43 looked at me like she was waiting for the details. I need to grab my bag out
598:46 the details. I need to grab my bag out of the back seat before you pull away. I
598:48 of the back seat before you pull away. I told the driver. Would you mind? He
598:51 told the driver. Would you mind? He looked in the rear view mirror and
598:52 looked in the rear view mirror and shrugged.
598:54 shrugged. There's no one behind me, so go for it.
598:57 There's no one behind me, so go for it. I looked at Liz. Are you up for more of
599:00 I looked at Liz. Are you up for more of this date night? She made me the
599:02 this date night? She made me the happiest guy on the planet when she
599:04 happiest guy on the planet when she rolled her eyes, then said, "I don't
599:06 rolled her eyes, then said, "I don't have anything else going on." I opened
599:09 have anything else going on." I opened the door and we got out of the truck,
599:12 the door and we got out of the truck, then ran back to the car to get my bag
599:13 then ran back to the car to get my bag before he pulled away. And once he did,
599:16 before he pulled away. And once he did, we were suddenly surrounded by the
599:18 we were suddenly surrounded by the silence of the residential neighborhood
599:20 silence of the residential neighborhood after dark. "Wow, it's so quiet," she
599:24 after dark. "Wow, it's so quiet," she said, her voice nearly a whisper as we
599:26 said, her voice nearly a whisper as we stood on the sidewalk. "So, what's the
599:29 stood on the sidewalk. "So, what's the plan?" "I thought we'd take some BP."
599:32 plan?" "I thought we'd take some BP." I'd noticed that Liz always seemed super
599:34 I'd noticed that Liz always seemed super engaged during batting practice. She was
599:37 engaged during batting practice. She was all over the place, taking a million
599:39 all over the place, taking a million shots and looking mesmerized. "So why
599:41 shots and looking mesmerized. "So why not hit some balls?" "The school is
599:44 not hit some balls?" "The school is closed, dumbass," she said. Her eyes
599:47 closed, dumbass," she said. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the dark,
599:49 narrowed as she looked at the dark, deserted baseball field. "If I recall,
599:53 deserted baseball field. "If I recall, you know how to climb a fence." She made
599:55 you know how to climb a fence." She made a noise that sounded like a cross
599:57 a noise that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a groan. True, but I
600:01 between a laugh and a groan. True, but I wasn't wearing 4-in wedges at the time.
600:04 wasn't wearing 4-in wedges at the time. "I'll throw you over." I volunteered.
600:07 "I'll throw you over." I volunteered. "No, thank you," she said, making a face
600:10 "No, thank you," she said, making a face like I was ridiculous, but her mouth was
600:13 like I was ridiculous, but her mouth was sliding into a smile. "God, I love her."
600:16 sliding into a smile. "God, I love her." "I will piggyback climb you," I offered.
600:19 "I will piggyback climb you," I offered. "That doesn't even make sense." "Yes, it
600:22 "That doesn't even make sense." "Yes, it does," I said, walking close enough to
600:24 does," I said, walking close enough to the outfield fence to throw my bag over.
600:27 the outfield fence to throw my bag over. "Get on my back, hold on tight, and I'll
600:29 "Get on my back, hold on tight, and I'll climb the fence for both of us." Her
600:32 climb the fence for both of us." Her eyes got squinty and she said, "I don't
600:35 eyes got squinty and she said, "I don't think that will work." "I think it will,
600:37 think that will work." "I think it will, Libby. Come on," I urged, bending my
600:40 Libby. Come on," I urged, bending my knees and smacking my ass. "Get on." She
600:43 knees and smacking my ass. "Get on." She gave a laugh and shook her head. "I
600:46 gave a laugh and shook her head. "I think this sounds like a terrible idea."
600:48 think this sounds like a terrible idea." "Untie those shoes, though," I said,
600:51 "Untie those shoes, though," I said, looking at her feet. "Those shoes made
600:53 looking at her feet. "Those shoes made her legs look incredible, but they
600:55 her legs look incredible, but they weren't made for climbing fences. I
600:58 weren't made for climbing fences. I don't want you breaking your ankle when
600:59 don't want you breaking your ankle when we land.
601:01 we land. When we land, she said, laughing harder.
601:04 When we land, she said, laughing harder. So, you're acknowledging we're going to
601:06 So, you're acknowledging we're going to fall. Land is a word that encompasses
601:10 fall. Land is a word that encompasses all landings on foot or on ass. I
601:13 all landings on foot or on ass. I clarified. Take off your shoes,
601:15 clarified. Take off your shoes, sunshine, and let's do this. You're such
601:18 sunshine, and let's do this. You're such a bully, she teased. I said, you're such
601:21 a bully, she teased. I said, you're such a chicken. Don't Don't make me make the
601:25 a chicken. Don't Don't make me make the noise, I taunted, distracted by the
601:27 noise, I taunted, distracted by the twinkle in her eyes. Spare me your Bach
601:30 twinkle in her eyes. Spare me your Bach box, Bennett, she said, kneeling down
601:33 box, Bennett, she said, kneeling down and untying her left shoe. Also, how am
601:36 and untying her left shoe. Also, how am I going to see the ball in the dark? I
601:39 I going to see the ball in the dark? I have portable lights in my bag. Is that
601:41 have portable lights in my bag. Is that a normal baseball thing? She asked,
601:44 a normal baseball thing? She asked, untying her right shoe. To carry around
601:46 untying her right shoe. To carry around lights. No, but I'm not a normal
601:50 lights. No, but I'm not a normal baseball player. That tracks? She
601:53 baseball player. That tracks? She stepped out of her shoes and held them
601:54 stepped out of her shoes and held them in her hand. Okay, what now? Now, I
601:59 in her hand. Okay, what now? Now, I said, grabbing her shoes and throwing
602:01 said, grabbing her shoes and throwing them over the fence. You climb on me
602:03 them over the fence. You climb on me like a good girl. I'm going to pretend
602:06 like a good girl. I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that. Oh, I'm going
602:08 you didn't just say that. Oh, I'm going to pretend you secretly loved it. She
602:11 to pretend you secretly loved it. She started laughing again, and I bent down
602:13 started laughing again, and I bent down so she could jump on my back. Just focus
602:16 so she could jump on my back. Just focus on holding on and I'll get us over. Heat
602:19 on holding on and I'll get us over. Heat rushed through me as she wrapped her
602:20 rushed through me as she wrapped her arms around my neck and jumped as my
602:22 arms around my neck and jumped as my hands grabbed the back of those smooth
602:24 hands grabbed the back of those smooth legs. "Are you good?" she asked, her
602:28 legs. "Are you good?" she asked, her breath warm on the side of my neck.
602:30 breath warm on the side of my neck. Baby, I've never been better.
602:39 Chapter 40. No matter what happens tomorrow or for
602:41 No matter what happens tomorrow or for the rest of my life, I'm happy now
602:44 the rest of my life, I'm happy now because I love you.
602:46 because I love you. Groundhog Day.
602:49 Groundhog Day. Liz,
602:52 Liz, I'd like one in the strike zone this
602:54 I'd like one in the strike zone this time, Bennett.
602:56 time, Bennett. I've been giving you meatballs, Bucks
602:58 I've been giving you meatballs, Bucks mam. Wes, who'd stripped down to his
603:02 mam. Wes, who'd stripped down to his white undershirt and suitpants made a
603:04 white undershirt and suitpants made a face as he hollered at me from the
603:06 face as he hollered at me from the pitchers mound. Come on,
603:10 pitchers mound. Come on, meatballs that are high and outside. I
603:12 meatballs that are high and outside. I hollered back, dissolving into giggles
603:15 hollered back, dissolving into giggles when he moved like he was going to hurl
603:17 when he moved like he was going to hurl the ball at me. We'd been playing for at
603:20 the ball at me. We'd been playing for at least an hour, and I was fairly certain
603:23 least an hour, and I was fairly certain neither of us were ever going to quit.
603:25 neither of us were ever going to quit. He'd given me his white dress shirt so I
603:28 He'd given me his white dress shirt so I could wear it over my dress to avoid a
603:29 could wear it over my dress to avoid a wardrobe malfunction, and his jacket was
603:32 wardrobe malfunction, and his jacket was lying on the grass in the dark outfield
603:34 lying on the grass in the dark outfield right on top of my shoes.
603:37 right on top of my shoes. We were a disheveled mess with only home
603:40 We were a disheveled mess with only home plate and the pitchers mound
603:41 plate and the pitchers mound illuminated,
603:43 illuminated, and it was wonderful.
603:45 and it was wonderful. I'd been with Wes for hours and had
603:48 I'd been with Wes for hours and had completely managed to forget about the
603:49 completely managed to forget about the past, to stop overthinking everything.
603:53 past, to stop overthinking everything. Tonight had just been fun.
603:56 Tonight had just been fun. "Get ready," he yelled, giving me
604:00 "Get ready," he yelled, giving me intense eye contact. "Oh, I was born
604:04 intense eye contact. "Oh, I was born ready," I said, digging my bare feet
604:07 ready," I said, digging my bare feet into the dirt around home plate.
604:10 into the dirt around home plate. Wes threw the ball, totally giving me a
604:13 Wes threw the ball, totally giving me a baby pitch, but I nailed this one. The
604:16 baby pitch, but I nailed this one. The aluminum bat clinkedked, music to my
604:18 aluminum bat clinkedked, music to my ears, and I screamed and took off for
604:21 ears, and I screamed and took off for first base. Since it was only the two of
604:24 first base. Since it was only the two of us, we had imaginary rules in place. The
604:26 us, we had imaginary rules in place. The runner had to keep running until the
604:28 runner had to keep running until the outfielder caught the ball or was 6 ft
604:30 outfielder caught the ball or was 6 ft away from a ball on the ground. Only
604:33 away from a ball on the ground. Only then were you allowed to stop at a base.
604:36 then were you allowed to stop at a base. Wes caught it but dropped the ball,
604:39 Wes caught it but dropped the ball, obviously on purpose, and I kept running
604:41 obviously on purpose, and I kept running until he had control as per our rules.
604:44 until he had control as per our rules. "You don't seriously think you can make
604:46 "You don't seriously think you can make it home, do you?" I heard him yell when
604:49 it home, do you?" I heard him yell when I didn't stop at third, sounding like he
604:51 I didn't stop at third, sounding like he was sprinting toward me. I just SCREAMED
604:56 was sprinting toward me. I just SCREAMED [screaming] and ran as fast as I could
604:58 [screaming] and ran as fast as I could toward home plate. I felt him bearing
605:01 toward home plate. I felt him bearing down on me. And then I felt him tag me
605:04 down on me. And then I felt him tag me with the ball. No,
605:07 with the ball. No, I yelled. But his arm came around my
605:10 I yelled. But his arm came around my waist to hold me steady so he wouldn't
605:13 waist to hold me steady so he wouldn't knock me over. And then he lifted me off
605:16 knock me over. And then he lifted me off the ground, wrapping both his arms
605:18 the ground, wrapping both his arms around my waist. Bennett, I squealled,
605:22 around my waist. Bennett, I squealled, cackling. Put me down.
605:26 cackling. Put me down. Not until you take back the high and
605:28 Not until you take back the high and outside comment, he said, his voice deep
605:32 outside comment, he said, his voice deep and growly in my ear.
605:35 and growly in my ear. I won't, I said, breathing heavy from
605:38 I won't, I said, breathing heavy from the sprint. You know I won't.
605:42 the sprint. You know I won't. Well then, he said, setting my feet on
605:45 Well then, he said, setting my feet on the ground and somehow managing to spin
605:48 the ground and somehow managing to spin me so I was facing him without letting
605:50 me so I was facing him without letting me out of his arms. Guess I'm going to
605:53 me out of his arms. Guess I'm going to have to teach you a lesson.
605:55 have to teach you a lesson. Oh, big man, I said, my breath coming
606:00 Oh, big man, I said, my breath coming fast.
606:01 fast. But now it was because of the heat in
606:03 But now it was because of the heat in his dark eyes as he looked at me. Please
606:06 his dark eyes as he looked at me. Please teach me. His mouth cut me off.
606:10 teach me. His mouth cut me off. One minute I was speaking, the next his
606:13 One minute I was speaking, the next his lips were on mine, his tongue in my
606:15 lips were on mine, his tongue in my mouth, my whimper in his.
606:19 mouth, my whimper in his. Dear God, I thought as his arms pulled
606:23 Dear God, I thought as his arms pulled me closer, where I was pressed against
606:26 me closer, where I was pressed against every inch of him and my eyes closed
606:28 every inch of him and my eyes closed automatically.
606:31 automatically. It feels good to be back in his arms.
606:41 Chapter 41. There I was standing there in the church
606:44 There I was standing there in the church and for the first time in my whole life,
606:46 and for the first time in my whole life, I realized I totally and utterly loved
606:49 I realized I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person
606:51 one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person
606:54 next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now in the rain.
606:58 standing opposite me now in the rain. Four weddings in a funeral.
607:01 Four weddings in a funeral. Wes.
607:03 Wes. The minute my lips landed on hers, the
607:05 The minute my lips landed on hers, the teasing torture was left behind. And all
607:08 teasing torture was left behind. And all that remained was want. I kissed her
607:10 that remained was want. I kissed her mouth the only way I knew how. Obsessed,
607:13 mouth the only way I knew how. Obsessed, crazed, needy, and she returned the
607:16 crazed, needy, and she returned the favor, delivering hot suction that drove
607:18 favor, delivering hot suction that drove me wild. I squeezed her waist, not
607:21 me wild. I squeezed her waist, not caring about anything but the way she
607:23 caring about anything but the way she kissed me back like she didn't want to
607:25 kissed me back like she didn't want to ever stop. I could feel every inch of
607:28 ever stop. I could feel every inch of her body against me. And when her finger
607:30 her body against me. And when her finger slipped under the back of my t-shirt, I
607:32 slipped under the back of my t-shirt, I growled like an animal. She made me
607:35 growled like an animal. She made me feral for her. I dropped the ball and
607:37 feral for her. I dropped the ball and pulled her tighter against me. my body
607:40 pulled her tighter against me. my body pressing into hers from memory like a
607:42 pressing into hers from memory like a key into the only lock that would ever
607:44 key into the only lock that would ever fit. I cursed into her mouth when I felt
607:46 fit. I cursed into her mouth when I felt her legs wrap around me. My knees
607:49 her legs wrap around me. My knees literally weak from the intensity of my
607:51 literally weak from the intensity of my want. I put my hands underneath her and
607:54 want. I put my hands underneath her and started walking away from home plate and
607:57 started walking away from home plate and toward the dugout. And the way she
607:59 toward the dugout. And the way she tightened her long bare legs around me
608:01 tightened her long bare legs around me set me on fire. It got quieter as we
608:04 set me on fire. It got quieter as we entered the dugout, and I didn't stop
608:06 entered the dugout, and I didn't stop walking until her back was against the
608:08 walking until her back was against the wall in the darkness. Until I was
608:10 wall in the darkness. Until I was pinning her body against it as we kissed
608:12 pinning her body against it as we kissed like we were about to die, and this was
608:14 like we were about to die, and this was our last moment together. I had missed
608:16 our last moment together. I had missed her for what felt like my entire life.
608:19 her for what felt like my entire life. And she was in my arms kissing me, like
608:22 And she was in my arms kissing me, like she'd missed me for her entire life. It
608:25 she'd missed me for her entire life. It gutted me to be honest. Finally having
608:28 gutted me to be honest. Finally having her in my arms, meeting me kiss for kiss
608:31 her in my arms, meeting me kiss for kiss after we'd spent the past few hours
608:32 after we'd spent the past few hours together felt terrifyingly perfect. Like
608:36 together felt terrifyingly perfect. Like each and every wish I'd made upon a
608:38 each and every wish I'd made upon a lifetime of stars was coming true all at
608:40 lifetime of stars was coming true all at once. This was my Liz finally back in my
608:45 once. This was my Liz finally back in my arms. "God, I love you," I said against
608:48 arms. "God, I love you," I said against her mouth. Every part of me lost in what
608:50 her mouth. Every part of me lost in what was finally found. I leaned into her,
608:53 was finally found. I leaned into her, breathing in her perfume as her fingers
608:55 breathing in her perfume as her fingers gripped my shoulders. I've missed you so
608:58 gripped my shoulders. I've missed you so much. Wes, she breathed, her eyes still
609:02 much. Wes, she breathed, her eyes still closed as she whispered into me. Don't
609:05 closed as she whispered into me. Don't what? I lifted my mouth, breathing
609:09 what? I lifted my mouth, breathing heavy, looking down into sleepy green
609:11 heavy, looking down into sleepy green eyes that fluttered open like butterfly
609:12 eyes that fluttered open like butterfly wings. She gave her head a shake. Don't
609:16 wings. She gave her head a shake. Don't say that. Don't say what. I lowered my
609:20 say that. Don't say what. I lowered my head and rubbed my nose against her
609:21 head and rubbed my nose against her sweet freckles, flexing my fingers
609:23 sweet freckles, flexing my fingers against the softness in my palms. "That
609:26 against the softness in my palms. "That you love me," she said, blinking at me
609:29 you love me," she said, blinking at me with a wrinkle between her eyebrows.
609:31 with a wrinkle between her eyebrows. "Why not?" "Because you can't," she
609:35 "Why not?" "Because you can't," she said, shaking her head. "It's too soon."
609:38 said, shaking her head. "It's too soon." "Too soon?" I wanted to laugh at that
609:42 "Too soon?" I wanted to laugh at that because how in the hell could it be too
609:43 because how in the hell could it be too soon? Did you seriously just say that?
609:47 soon? Did you seriously just say that? It's like our first date. She dropped
609:50 It's like our first date. She dropped her hands from my shoulders and rubbed
609:52 her hands from my shoulders and rubbed her lips together, finding her feet
609:54 her lips together, finding her feet stepping back from me. You can't love me
609:57 stepping back from me. You can't love me already. I felt the distance between us
610:00 already. I felt the distance between us grow inches that felt like miles as my
610:03 grow inches that felt like miles as my hands became empty. I watched her
610:06 hands became empty. I watched her retreat as I said, "Well, I do." "No,
610:11 retreat as I said, "Well, I do." "No, you don't," she said emphatically,
610:13 you don't," she said emphatically, passionately, almost as if we were
610:16 passionately, almost as if we were arguing. She put a little smile on her
610:18 arguing. She put a little smile on her face like she was kidding, but it was
610:21 face like she was kidding, but it was forced. "Please help me understand
610:24 forced. "Please help me understand what's happening here, Lib," I said, a
610:27 what's happening here, Lib," I said, a weight settling in my stomach as the
610:29 weight settling in my stomach as the thing I thought had returned to me back
610:30 thing I thought had returned to me back farther away. "Because I've never
610:33 farther away. "Because I've never stopped loving you." She shook her head
610:36 stopped loving you." She shook her head back and forth, tucking her hair behind
610:38 back and forth, tucking her hair behind her ears and biting down on her lower
610:40 her ears and biting down on her lower lip. She looked haunted. Haunted? as she
610:44 lip. She looked haunted. Haunted? as she insisted. "No, let's not talk about
610:47 insisted. "No, let's not talk about that. I don't want to talk about the
610:50 that. I don't want to talk about the past." "I'm not. What the hell is
610:54 past." "I'm not. What the hell is happening?" I looked into her green eyes
610:56 happening?" I looked into her green eyes and explained, "I'm not talking about
610:59 and explained, "I'm not talking about the past, Liz. I'm talking about my
611:02 the past, Liz. I'm talking about my feelings for you, Wes." She said it
611:05 feelings for you, Wes." She said it through gritted teeth, like she was
611:07 through gritted teeth, like she was trying to hold on to her patience or
611:09 trying to hold on to her patience or something. I don't want us to do that.
611:12 something. I don't want us to do that. Let's just go forward, okay? Let's just
611:15 Let's just go forward, okay? Let's just like pretend this is new. You're a
611:18 like pretend this is new. You're a freshman who took me out on a date
611:20 freshman who took me out on a date tonight. A really great date. Can't we
611:23 tonight. A really great date. Can't we just be that for now?
611:26 just be that for now? Pain? Was it pain? Pinched in my chest
611:29 Pain? Was it pain? Pinched in my chest as she said those words. Because the
611:32 as she said those words. Because the whole time I thought we'd been coming
611:33 whole time I thought we'd been coming back to each other. Had she been trying
611:36 back to each other. Had she been trying to pretend I was someone else? To forget
611:38 to pretend I was someone else? To forget everything she'd ever known about me? Is
611:41 everything she'd ever known about me? Is that what she has to do to be okay with
611:43 that what she has to do to be okay with me? I swallowed and tried to come up
611:46 me? I swallowed and tried to come up with words, but the only one that came
611:49 with words, but the only one that came to me was, "No." Her eyebrows furrowed
611:52 to me was, "No." Her eyebrows furrowed together. "No, we aren't that, Lib. You
611:58 together. "No, we aren't that, Lib. You can't pretend that I'm some guy you just
612:00 can't pretend that I'm some guy you just met." "Why not? If it means we're able
612:03 met." "Why not? If it means we're able to move on," she interrupted, looking
612:06 to move on," she interrupted, looking frustrated and almost desperate to
612:08 frustrated and almost desperate to convince me. Because you shouldn't have
612:10 convince me. Because you shouldn't have to mentally split a person in two in
612:12 to mentally split a person in two in order to love them, I replied a little
612:15 order to love them, I replied a little too loudly with a voice that was
612:17 too loudly with a voice that was cracked. But [ __ ] don't you get it? You
612:21 cracked. But [ __ ] don't you get it? You either love me or you don't, I said, not
612:24 either love me or you don't, I said, not wanting to face the truth of that
612:25 wanting to face the truth of that statement. Because I'm not the kid next
612:28 statement. Because I'm not the kid next door or the [ __ ] who broke your heart
612:30 door or the [ __ ] who broke your heart or the goddamn freshman who took you out
612:32 or the goddamn freshman who took you out on a date tonight. I took a deep breath
612:35 on a date tonight. I took a deep breath and proceeded to tell her what she
612:36 and proceeded to tell her what she apparently never wanted to hear.
612:39 apparently never wanted to hear. I am just Wes [ __ ] Bennett lib. The
612:42 I am just Wes [ __ ] Bennett lib. The guy who can't remember a single day in
612:44 guy who can't remember a single day in his life when he didn't love you. She
612:47 his life when he didn't love you. She watched me with wide eyes, frozen in
612:50 watched me with wide eyes, frozen in place, probably thinking I was
612:52 place, probably thinking I was absolutely unhinged. I felt like I
612:54 absolutely unhinged. I felt like I should add something like just kidding
612:57 should add something like just kidding or that's totally fine. But it wasn't
613:00 or that's totally fine. But it wasn't fine. Do you know how many 1213s I've
613:03 fine. Do you know how many 1213s I've watched pass without you? Tonight it'll
613:06 watched pass without you? Tonight it'll be the 720th. I said, the words burning
613:10 be the 720th. I said, the words burning my throat. The last thing in the world I
613:12 my throat. The last thing in the world I want is to say something that makes that
613:14 want is to say something that makes that number infinite. But I also can't let
613:16 number infinite. But I also can't let you erase our history. I don't want to
613:19 you erase our history. I don't want to remember the bad parts, but I refuse to
613:21 remember the bad parts, but I refuse to forget the good. I looked into the only
613:23 forget the good. I looked into the only eyes I'd ever loved and confessed
613:26 eyes I'd ever loved and confessed because our good moments were the crumbs
613:28 because our good moments were the crumbs that fed me for 719 1213s when I was
613:32 that fed me for 719 1213s when I was alone. God, Wes. She wiped her eyes and
613:36 alone. God, Wes. She wiped her eyes and stepped closer. When you told me the
613:39 stepped closer. When you told me the truth the other day, I was so mad at you
613:42 truth the other day, I was so mad at you for giving up on us and for not talking
613:44 for giving up on us and for not talking to me before you made the decision to
613:46 to me before you made the decision to end us that I couldn't think beyond
613:48 end us that I couldn't think beyond those facts. I knew you'd been trying to
613:51 those facts. I knew you'd been trying to do the right thing. But I also knew that
613:53 do the right thing. But I also knew that my heart would never recover from the
613:55 my heart would never recover from the loss. Right. That made my stomach hurt
613:59 loss. Right. That made my stomach hurt the way it always had when I thought
614:01 the way it always had when I thought about how much I'd hurt her. So, my
614:04 about how much I'd hurt her. So, my anger made me kind of blind, I guess, to
614:07 anger made me kind of blind, I guess, to your sacrifice.
614:08 your sacrifice. I was so mad that you did it that I
614:11 I was so mad that you did it that I didn't take the time to think about what
614:13 didn't take the time to think about what it must have been like for you to do it.
614:16 it must have been like for you to do it. I wanted to touch her so badly, but I
614:19 I wanted to touch her so badly, but I was too afraid of where this was going.
614:22 was too afraid of where this was going. And in my wildest dreams, she said, her
614:25 And in my wildest dreams, she said, her voice thick. I never would have imagined
614:27 voice thick. I never would have imagined that while I was crying through so many
614:29 that while I was crying through so many 1213s,
614:31 1213s, you were too.
614:33 you were too. You have no idea, Lib. But here's my
614:36 You have no idea, Lib. But here's my honest confession, she said, her eyes
614:39 honest confession, she said, her eyes bright as she looked up at me. I've
614:42 bright as she looked up at me. I've loved you and I've missed you and I've
614:45 loved you and I've missed you and I've hated you and regretted you, but I've
614:48 hated you and regretted you, but I've never forgiven or forgotten you. So, I
614:51 never forgiven or forgotten you. So, I just Excuse me. A bright flashlight
614:55 just Excuse me. A bright flashlight shown directly into our faces as a deep
614:57 shown directly into our faces as a deep voice said, "Do you two have permission
614:59 voice said, "Do you two have permission to be here?" My eyes adjusted to the
615:02 to be here?" My eyes adjusted to the garish brightness, and I could see a cop
615:04 garish brightness, and I could see a cop staring at us from just outside the
615:06 staring at us from just outside the dugout. A cop with his cruiser lights
615:09 dugout. A cop with his cruiser lights flashing in the parking lot. I looked at
615:12 flashing in the parking lot. I looked at Liz as she stared into the light, her
615:14 Liz as she stared into the light, her eyes enormous.
615:16 eyes enormous. Oh [ __ ]
615:25 Chapter 42. I'm always going to love you. La La
615:27 I'm always going to love you. La La Land.
615:30 Land. Liz,
615:33 Liz, keep going.
615:35 keep going. It was 7:00. The sun was in my eyes, and
615:38 It was 7:00. The sun was in my eyes, and I just wasn't feeling the run today.
615:42 I just wasn't feeling the run today. But I was going to keep going. Usually
615:45 But I was going to keep going. Usually running calmed my thoughts, but all it
615:48 running calmed my thoughts, but all it had done so far was make me more
615:51 had done so far was make me more stressed out as I replayed last night
615:53 stressed out as I replayed last night over and over again in my head. It had
615:56 over and over again in my head. It had been perfect.
615:58 been perfect. Then it wasn't. And then the cop showed
616:01 Then it wasn't. And then the cop showed up. How is that the way the night ended?
616:06 up. How is that the way the night ended? I thought in mental screaming form as I
616:09 I thought in mental screaming form as I ran past the sculpture garden. One
616:11 ran past the sculpture garden. One minute we'd been on fire in the dugout,
616:15 minute we'd been on fire in the dugout, the next we were fighting, and then we
616:18 the next we were fighting, and then we were being questioned by the officials
616:20 were being questioned by the officials for breaking and entering. Officer
616:22 for breaking and entering. Officer Narata had lectured us about sneaking
616:24 Narata had lectured us about sneaking onto the field, told us that he could
616:26 onto the field, told us that he could charge us if he wanted to, but he
616:28 charge us if he wanted to, but he didn't. And then he proceeded to drive
616:30 didn't. And then he proceeded to drive Wes and me home like naughty children.
616:34 Wes and me home like naughty children. Since Hitch was closer than my place, he
616:36 Since Hitch was closer than my place, he dropped Wes off first. And by the time I
616:39 dropped Wes off first. And by the time I got out of the cruiser at my apartment,
616:41 got out of the cruiser at my apartment, He had already sent a text.
616:44 He had already sent a text. Wes, can I come over and talk to you?
616:48 Wes, can I come over and talk to you? I stared at that message for the next 20
616:50 I stared at that message for the next 20 minutes trying to figure out what I
616:52 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted my answer to be, which had driven
616:55 wanted my answer to be, which had driven Clark crazy because he was 100% team
616:58 Clark crazy because he was 100% team west. Now, why not talk to him? You're
617:01 west. Now, why not talk to him? You're going to leave him on red? You're a
617:03 going to leave him on red? You're a monster?
617:05 monster? Because if I was being honest, yes, I
617:10 Because if I was being honest, yes, I still had huge feelings for Wes. Maybe
617:13 still had huge feelings for Wes. Maybe they'd never left, or maybe he'd
617:15 they'd never left, or maybe he'd successfully wooed them back. But last
617:19 successfully wooed them back. But last night with him, that felt a lot like
617:22 night with him, that felt a lot like love.
617:24 love. And that was the problem.
617:27 And that was the problem. Even though I had those feelings, I
617:30 Even though I had those feelings, I still wasn't sure I necessarily wanted
617:32 still wasn't sure I necessarily wanted to follow them.
617:34 to follow them. There was a very loud voice in my brain
617:36 There was a very loud voice in my brain that kept telling me it was safer to
617:37 that kept telling me it was safer to just move on from Wes forever. It was
617:41 just move on from Wes forever. It was good to know he'd never cheated and
617:42 good to know he'd never cheated and wasn't a jerk, but that didn't mean it
617:45 wasn't a jerk, but that didn't mean it was good for me to go back to him now.
617:48 was good for me to go back to him now. So, when he called three times after I
617:52 So, when he called three times after I ignored his text, I turned off my phone.
617:57 ignored his text, I turned off my phone. Clark disgustedly went to bed at that
617:59 Clark disgustedly went to bed at that point.
618:01 point. But I needed to think. Even though I
618:04 But I needed to think. Even though I knew it was an irrational thought,
618:06 knew it was an irrational thought, something had occurred to me last night
618:08 something had occurred to me last night while I sat on the sofa and binge
618:09 while I sat on the sofa and binge watched Friends until around 2.
618:12 watched Friends until around 2. I knew Wes was sorry he'd hurt me, and
618:15 I knew Wes was sorry he'd hurt me, and obviously he'd been going through hell
618:17 obviously he'd been going through hell at the time and had done what he thought
618:19 at the time and had done what he thought was best.
618:21 was best. But would he behave differently if
618:23 But would he behave differently if something happened again?
618:25 something happened again? If he threw out his shoulder or lost his
618:28 If he threw out his shoulder or lost his scholarship and had to quit school,
618:30 scholarship and had to quit school, would we deal with it together or would
618:33 would we deal with it together or would he walk away from me this time, too?
618:36 he walk away from me this time, too? It was an unlikely scenario, but my
618:38 It was an unlikely scenario, but my cautious brain couldn't stop asking the
618:41 cautious brain couldn't stop asking the question.
618:42 question. I was still pondering this idea while I
618:44 I was still pondering this idea while I finished my run. I was still pondering
618:47 finished my run. I was still pondering it while I showered, and I was still
618:49 it while I showered, and I was still pondering it when I let myself into
618:51 pondering it when I let myself into Morgan to upload some footage and check
618:53 Morgan to upload some footage and check out equipment for the scrimmage that was
618:54 out equipment for the scrimmage that was later that day. Would history repeat
618:58 later that day. Would history repeat itself?
619:00 itself? I really didn't want to see Wes until I
619:02 I really didn't want to see Wes until I figured out my own thoughts. So, the
619:04 figured out my own thoughts. So, the timing of the scrimmage really sucked
619:07 timing of the scrimmage really sucked because there was no way for me to get
619:09 because there was no way for me to get out of going without looking like a
619:11 out of going without looking like a total coward.
619:13 total coward. When I got to my cubicle, I distracted
619:15 When I got to my cubicle, I distracted myself by editing film until Clark
619:17 myself by editing film until Clark showed up. "So," Clark said, dropping
619:22 showed up. "So," Clark said, dropping his stuff onto his desk. "Did you talk
619:25 his stuff onto his desk. "Did you talk to him?" "No," I said, not looking up
619:29 to him?" "No," I said, not looking up from my computer. "You're a dick," he
619:33 from my computer. "You're a dick," he said grumpily, and I heard the tone of
619:35 said grumpily, and I heard the tone of his laptop turning on. "At least
619:38 his laptop turning on. "At least respond."
619:40 respond." I can't though, I said, dragging a hand
619:44 I can't though, I said, dragging a hand through my hair. He's going to want to
619:47 through my hair. He's going to want to talk, and I don't know how I feel, so I
619:49 talk, and I don't know how I feel, so I can't actually have that conversation.
619:52 can't actually have that conversation. You can, too. He disagreed, his keyboard
619:56 You can, too. He disagreed, his keyboard clicking.
619:57 clicking. I don't know what your problem is, Liz.
620:00 I don't know what your problem is, Liz. As long as I've known you, you've always
620:02 As long as I've known you, you've always been levelheaded, like not dramatic at
620:05 been levelheaded, like not dramatic at all. But for some reason, you're acting
620:07 all. But for some reason, you're acting like an emotional teenager about this.
620:10 like an emotional teenager about this. No, I'm not, I argued, turning my chair
620:13 No, I'm not, I argued, turning my chair and wheeling it back a foot so I could
620:15 and wheeling it back a foot so I could glare at him. This isn't as simple as
620:18 glare at him. This isn't as simple as you want to make it. Yes, it is. No,
620:21 you want to make it. Yes, it is. No, it's not. For God's sake, it is, too, he
620:26 it's not. For God's sake, it is, too, he said, looking at me through ridiculous
620:29 said, looking at me through ridiculous round fashion glasses that had blue
620:31 round fashion glasses that had blue Bruins all over them.
620:33 Bruins all over them. Bennett loves you, is sorry for hurting
620:36 Bennett loves you, is sorry for hurting you, and wants another chance. If you
620:39 you, and wants another chance. If you have feelings for him, why wouldn't you
620:40 have feelings for him, why wouldn't you give it a shot?
620:43 give it a shot? I sighed.
620:45 I sighed. It's not that easy.
620:47 It's not that easy. It is, [clears throat] but whatever. He
620:50 It is, [clears throat] but whatever. He stood and said, "I'm going to get a
620:53 stood and said, "I'm going to get a coffee, and don't even ask me to grab
620:56 coffee, and don't even ask me to grab one for you because I won't." Clark,
621:00 one for you because I won't." Clark, totally serious.
621:02 totally serious. He turned and left the production
621:04 He turned and left the production office, leaving me alone in the quiet
621:07 office, leaving me alone in the quiet that I wanted nothing to do with as the
621:10 that I wanted nothing to do with as the door clicked shut behind him.
621:13 door clicked shut behind him. Wonderful.
621:15 Wonderful. I stood, knowing I should probably go
621:18 I stood, knowing I should probably go talk to him. So, when the door squeaked
621:21 talk to him. So, when the door squeaked open a minute later, I said without
621:23 open a minute later, I said without turning around, "I knew you couldn't
621:25 turning around, "I knew you couldn't stay mad." But then I heard the sound of
621:28 stay mad." But then I heard the sound of a familiar throat clearing and I smelled
621:31 a familiar throat clearing and I smelled him.
621:33 him. I took in a deep breath and wondered if
621:36 I took in a deep breath and wondered if my imagination was running wild.
621:39 my imagination was running wild. Lip.
621:41 Lip. His voice was deep and scratchy, like he
621:44 His voice was deep and scratchy, like he hadn't really used it yet. When Wes said
621:47 hadn't really used it yet. When Wes said from behind me, "Can we please talk?"
621:51 from behind me, "Can we please talk?" My heart was instantly racing as I
621:53 My heart was instantly racing as I turned around.
621:55 turned around. He was standing beside Clark's empty
621:57 He was standing beside Clark's empty cubicle a step away, looking down at me
622:01 cubicle a step away, looking down at me with a seriousness I almost never saw on
622:03 with a seriousness I almost never saw on that face.
622:05 that face. His glasses amplified the intensity
622:07 His glasses amplified the intensity somehow as his dark eyes watched me from
622:10 somehow as his dark eyes watched me from behind the lenses.
622:12 behind the lenses. The tips of his hair looked damp, like
622:15 The tips of his hair looked damp, like he'd showered, but the walk across
622:17 he'd showered, but the walk across campus hadn't completely dried the curly
622:19 campus hadn't completely dried the curly ends. and he was wearing gray sweatpants
622:22 ends. and he was wearing gray sweatpants with a white Bruins hoodie.
622:25 with a white Bruins hoodie. He looked like he'd woken up, thrown on
622:28 He looked like he'd woken up, thrown on clothes, and rushed right over.
622:31 clothes, and rushed right over. "Um, here's the thing," I said, feeling
622:36 "Um, here's the thing," I said, feeling shaky as I met his gaze, clueless how to
622:39 shaky as I met his gaze, clueless how to communicate all the things I'd been
622:41 communicate all the things I'd been thinking since last night. The sight of
622:44 thinking since last night. The sight of him made all my reservations impossible
622:46 him made all my reservations impossible to remember,
622:48 to remember, so I just said, "I'd rather not."
622:52 so I just said, "I'd rather not." His jaw flexed and his eyebrows furrowed
622:55 His jaw flexed and his eyebrows furrowed together. "You'd rather not?"
622:59 together. "You'd rather not?" I nodded and tucked my hair behind my
623:01 I nodded and tucked my hair behind my ears. Nodded again.
623:05 ears. Nodded again. "Yeah. Um, I think I just need some time
623:08 "Yeah. Um, I think I just need some time to think
623:10 to think alone.
623:18 Chapter 43. I felt so peaceful and safe because I
623:21 I felt so peaceful and safe because I knew that no matter what happened from
623:23 knew that no matter what happened from that day on, nothing can ever be that
623:26 that day on, nothing can ever be that bad because I had you
623:29 bad because I had you 17 again.
623:31 17 again. Wes,
623:33 Wes, time alone to think.
623:36 time alone to think. Why though? I asked stepping closer. I
623:40 Why though? I asked stepping closer. I mean, we've had 2 years of thinking
623:41 mean, we've had 2 years of thinking alone. Don't you think it might be nice
623:44 alone. Don't you think it might be nice to think about this together? She rubbed
623:47 to think about this together? She rubbed her forehead with two fingers, looking
623:48 her forehead with two fingers, looking somewhere just past me, like she'd
623:51 somewhere just past me, like she'd rather do anything than meet my gaze.
623:53 rather do anything than meet my gaze. Her voice was quiet when she said, "I
623:56 Her voice was quiet when she said, "I just I don't know. I just can't right
623:59 just I don't know. I just can't right now. I don't want to pressure you," I
624:02 now. I don't want to pressure you," I said, trying my best to sound calm when
624:04 said, trying my best to sound calm when I was freaking out. I'd been freaking
624:07 I was freaking out. I'd been freaking out since the minute the cops showed up
624:08 out since the minute the cops showed up last night and Liz stopped responding to
624:10 last night and Liz stopped responding to me because it was impossible to accept
624:13 me because it was impossible to accept that we'd come this close and now we
624:15 that we'd come this close and now we were going backward again. I touched her
624:17 were going backward again. I touched her chin, watching my finger settle on the
624:20 chin, watching my finger settle on the delicate dimple, desperate for her to
624:22 delicate dimple, desperate for her to stay with me and talk. But I think we
624:25 stay with me and talk. But I think we should, Lib, I think we need to so we
624:28 should, Lib, I think we need to so we can finally move forward. So much time
624:31 can finally move forward. So much time and circumstances happened. But when
624:33 and circumstances happened. But when we're together, just the two of us,
624:36 we're together, just the two of us, everything is the same, right? I know
624:39 everything is the same, right? I know you feel it, too. So, let's talk through
624:42 you feel it, too. So, let's talk through the [ __ ] so we can finally be there
624:44 the [ __ ] so we can finally be there at that. But I don't know if I want to
624:48 at that. But I don't know if I want to be at that, she said, gnawing on her
624:51 be at that, she said, gnawing on her lower lip and blinking fast. It felt
624:54 lower lip and blinking fast. It felt like somebody cracked me across the
624:55 like somebody cracked me across the chest with a board. I might have
624:57 chest with a board. I might have flinched as I searched her face for the
624:59 flinched as I searched her face for the lie. You don't know if you want to. Her
625:03 lie. You don't know if you want to. Her voice was even quieter when she angled
625:05 voice was even quieter when she angled her face so I was no longer touching her
625:07 her face so I was no longer touching her and said, "I mean, it's all just
625:10 and said, "I mean, it's all just happening really fast. A month ago, I
625:14 happening really fast. A month ago, I thought you were living on the other
625:15 thought you were living on the other side of the country and and none of that
625:18 side of the country and and none of that matters, Lib." I interrupted, taking a
625:21 matters, Lib." I interrupted, taking a deep breath. So frustrated, I wanted to
625:24 deep breath. So frustrated, I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I'd
625:26 bang my head against the wall. I'd walked away because I thought it was
625:27 walked away because I thought it was best for her. And then when I finally
625:29 best for her. And then when I finally made it back, I'd committed myself to
625:31 made it back, I'd committed myself to being patient, to going slow, making her
625:34 being patient, to going slow, making her my friend first, taking whatever I could
625:36 my friend first, taking whatever I could get until she eventually came back to
625:38 get until she eventually came back to me. But patient wasn't working at all. I
625:43 me. But patient wasn't working at all. I cleared my throat and tried again. We
625:45 cleared my throat and tried again. We can re-examine everything that's
625:47 can re-examine everything that's happened and we can debate whether or
625:49 happened and we can debate whether or not we really know each other anymore
625:51 not we really know each other anymore and if we can get past the past. But if
625:54 and if we can get past the past. But if we're being honest, when you and I were
625:56 we're being honest, when you and I were alone in the same room, we are the same
625:58 alone in the same room, we are the same together. I am the same for you and with
626:02 together. I am the same for you and with you, as I always have been.
626:06 you, as I always have been. She was looking up at me, listening with
626:08 She was looking up at me, listening with her eyebrows scrunched together like I'd
626:10 her eyebrows scrunched together like I'd completely lost it. You're looking at me
626:13 completely lost it. You're looking at me like I'm nuts, honey. And you're right.
626:16 like I'm nuts, honey. And you're right. I am. I am out of my mind when it comes
626:19 I am. I am out of my mind when it comes to you, I said, shrugging because it was
626:22 to you, I said, shrugging because it was a fact. When I'm near you, the way I
626:26 a fact. When I'm near you, the way I feel steals the breath from my body.
626:29 feel steals the breath from my body. It's like I breathe for you, like I
626:31 It's like I breathe for you, like I exist to exist alongside of you. I know
626:35 exist to exist alongside of you. I know those feelings are probably too big and
626:37 those feelings are probably too big and too scary and put way too much pressure
626:38 too scary and put way too much pressure on you. And I'm sorry for that, truly.
626:42 on you. And I'm sorry for that, truly. But it's the way I feel, the way I've
626:45 But it's the way I feel, the way I've always felt. I needed to change her face
626:48 always felt. I needed to change her face to find the perfect words to clear away
626:50 to find the perfect words to clear away the doubt in her eyes. But all my mind
626:53 the doubt in her eyes. But all my mind was giving me was, "I love you," which I
626:56 was giving me was, "I love you," which I knew she didn't want to hear, and random
626:58 knew she didn't want to hear, and random lovesick lines from songs. How can I
627:01 lovesick lines from songs. How can I convince her? I dragged my desperate
627:04 convince her? I dragged my desperate hands through my hair and barked out a
627:05 hands through my hair and barked out a laugh, even though nothing was funny. My
627:09 laugh, even though nothing was funny. My voice cracked when I said, "And you've
627:11 voice cracked when I said, "And you've screwed me up, Lib. Because now I'm
627:13 screwed me up, Lib. Because now I'm thinking in lyrics instead of original
627:15 thinking in lyrics instead of original thoughts. I'm looking at you and trying
627:18 thoughts. I'm looking at you and trying to find the words to convince you to be
627:19 to find the words to convince you to be with me. And do you know what comes into
627:22 with me. And do you know what comes into my head? You showed me colors, you know,
627:24 my head? You showed me colors, you know, I can't see with anyone else. They
627:27 I can't see with anyone else. They aren't my words. I don't even know what
627:29 aren't my words. I don't even know what song or album they're from for God's
627:31 song or album they're from for God's sake, but it's exactly how I feel. And
627:34 sake, but it's exactly how I feel. And you taught me a secret language I can't
627:36 you taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else. Like I can't
627:39 speak with anyone else. Like I can't remember who wrote that, but I feel it
627:41 remember who wrote that, but I feel it down to the marrow in my bones. Being
627:44 down to the marrow in my bones. Being with you has changed the threads of my
627:46 with you has changed the threads of my existence. I swear to God. So now being
627:49 existence. I swear to God. So now being without you makes everything quieter,
627:52 without you makes everything quieter, dimmer, and duller,
627:54 dimmer, and duller, so much smaller, and I [ __ ] hate it.
627:58 so much smaller, and I [ __ ] hate it. She opened her mouth to speak, but I
628:01 She opened her mouth to speak, but I couldn't bear to have her cut me off
628:02 couldn't bear to have her cut me off with closure, so I cut her off first.
628:06 with closure, so I cut her off first. You can take time alone to think, Lib,
628:08 You can take time alone to think, Lib, and you can put space between us and
628:10 and you can put space between us and decide I'm not worth the risk, I said,
628:12 decide I'm not worth the risk, I said, lowering my forehead to hers for the
628:14 lowering my forehead to hers for the briefest of seconds before stepping
628:16 briefest of seconds before stepping back. There's nothing I can do to stop
628:18 back. There's nothing I can do to stop you from that. But just know that no
628:21 you from that. But just know that no matter what you decide, and no matter
628:23 matter what you decide, and no matter what happens, I will feel this way about
628:26 what happens, I will feel this way about you for the rest of my life. I got you
628:29 you for the rest of my life. I got you one, even though Clark walked into the
628:31 one, even though Clark walked into the office with two coffees in his hands,
628:33 office with two coffees in his hands, nearly mowing me down. Oh, hey Wes. I
628:38 nearly mowing me down. Oh, hey Wes. I looked into her eyes, ignoring Clark, my
628:41 looked into her eyes, ignoring Clark, my chest burning as I said. There will
628:43 chest burning as I said. There will never be anyone else for me. Hard stop.
628:47 never be anyone else for me. Hard stop. So go have your think and do what you
628:48 So go have your think and do what you need to do. But Lizzy, we are worth the
628:52 need to do. But Lizzy, we are worth the risk. We always will be. I'm not sure
628:56 risk. We always will be. I'm not sure how I forced myself to step away from
628:58 how I forced myself to step away from her, but I did. I pushed past Clark and
629:01 her, but I did. I pushed past Clark and left the production office without
629:03 left the production office without looking back. mostly because I wasn't
629:05 looking back. mostly because I wasn't sure I could handle whatever came next.
629:09 sure I could handle whatever came next. The rest of the morning was a blur. I
629:11 The rest of the morning was a blur. I went through the motions with the guys,
629:13 went through the motions with the guys, getting breakfast and riding over to
629:15 getting breakfast and riding over to Jackie and putting on my uniform. But I
629:17 Jackie and putting on my uniform. But I felt numb, like the world was spinning
629:20 felt numb, like the world was spinning around me, but I was frozen in place
629:22 around me, but I was frozen in place because I was losing her, if I ever came
629:25 because I was losing her, if I ever came remotely close to having her at all. And
629:28 remotely close to having her at all. And it felt like there was nothing I could
629:29 it felt like there was nothing I could do to change that fact.
629:31 do to change that fact. I stood in front of my locker before the
629:33 I stood in front of my locker before the scrimmage, trying my hardest to shut
629:35 scrimmage, trying my hardest to shut down the noise in my brain and focus on
629:38 down the noise in my brain and focus on baseball. But on top of everything else,
629:41 baseball. But on top of everything else, my dad's voice was back in my head. If
629:44 my dad's voice was back in my head. If you're thinking about the redhead on
629:45 you're thinking about the redhead on game day, Wesley, you're going to screw
629:47 game day, Wesley, you're going to screw up. Guaranteed.
629:50 up. Guaranteed. Wonderful. That's very helpful. Thank
629:53 Wonderful. That's very helpful. Thank you, Dad.
629:55 you, Dad. But I couldn't stop. Liz was on my mind
629:57 But I couldn't stop. Liz was on my mind as we took the field, and she stayed
629:59 as we took the field, and she stayed there during warm-ups. My ability to
630:02 there during warm-ups. My ability to tune out the world was failing because
630:04 tune out the world was failing because all I could think about was her and us.
630:06 all I could think about was her and us. And if we were finished before we ever
630:08 And if we were finished before we ever had a chance to get started.
630:10 had a chance to get started. I glanced toward the stands as I played
630:12 I glanced toward the stands as I played catch with Mick. And almost as if my
630:14 catch with Mick. And almost as if my brain had conjured her up, there she
630:17 brain had conjured her up, there she was. Instead of being on the field or
630:19 was. Instead of being on the field or working just outside the dugout, Liz was
630:22 working just outside the dugout, Liz was sitting behind home plate a few rows
630:24 sitting behind home plate a few rows back with a long lens camera in her lap
630:27 back with a long lens camera in her lap and she was watching me. Our eyes met.
630:31 and she was watching me. Our eyes met. Please, Libby. And I tried reading her
630:34 Please, Libby. And I tried reading her face. I searched for any sign that might
630:36 face. I searched for any sign that might give me hope. The tilt of her head, the
630:39 give me hope. The tilt of her head, the curve of her lips, the squint of her
630:41 curve of her lips, the squint of her eyes. I sifted through it all but came
630:44 eyes. I sifted through it all but came away with nothing.
630:46 away with nothing. And then she lowered her eyes to the
630:48 And then she lowered her eyes to the camera as if she didn't want me to see
630:50 camera as if she didn't want me to see her at all. What the heck, Bennett? I
630:53 her at all. What the heck, Bennett? I looked away from her only to see Mick
630:55 looked away from her only to see Mick with his hand raised like he was waiting
630:57 with his hand raised like he was waiting to throw me the ball. He shook his head
630:59 to throw me the ball. He shook his head and grinned like I was hilarious. Maybe
631:02 and grinned like I was hilarious. Maybe pay attention, you love sick piece of
631:03 pay attention, you love sick piece of [ __ ] "Shut up and throw," I muttered,
631:06 [ __ ] "Shut up and throw," I muttered, embarrassed now on top of everything
631:08 embarrassed now on top of everything else. "Wesley, you're going to screw up.
631:13 else. "Wesley, you're going to screw up. Guaranteed.
631:21 Chapter 44. I feel like I've known you my whole
631:23 I feel like I've known you my whole life. And did I mention I'm in love with
631:25 life. And did I mention I'm in love with you? Descendants 3.
631:30 you? Descendants 3. Liz,
631:32 Liz, I want to go home.
631:35 I want to go home. I watched Wes go back to playing catch,
631:38 I watched Wes go back to playing catch, and my stomach was so full of nerves
631:40 and my stomach was so full of nerves that I was pretty sure I could vomit on
631:42 that I was pretty sure I could vomit on command because the way he'd looked at
631:45 command because the way he'd looked at me from the field after everything he
631:47 me from the field after everything he had said to me in the office was just
631:50 had said to me in the office was just too overwhelming.
631:53 too overwhelming. >> Perfect day, the guy behind me said, and
631:56 >> Perfect day, the guy behind me said, and he wasn't wrong.
631:58 he wasn't wrong. It was sunny and warm without a cloud in
632:01 It was sunny and warm without a cloud in the sky. And since it was the last
632:03 the sky. And since it was the last scrimmage before fall ball ended, the
632:05 scrimmage before fall ball ended, the place was packed.
632:07 place was packed. I didn't care though because I couldn't
632:10 I didn't care though because I couldn't think about anything but the pitcher.
632:13 think about anything but the pitcher. I will feel this way about you for the
632:15 I will feel this way about you for the rest of my life.
632:18 rest of my life. Dear God, who said things like that?
632:21 Dear God, who said things like that? Clark had been extraordinarily nice to
632:23 Clark had been extraordinarily nice to me on the way over, mostly because I'd
632:26 me on the way over, mostly because I'd burst into tears after Wes left the
632:27 burst into tears after Wes left the office, but that somehow made it worse.
632:32 office, but that somehow made it worse. I needed to forget everything and work.
632:35 I needed to forget everything and work. So when we got to the field and Lilith
632:37 So when we got to the field and Lilith was waiting for us, I was relieved. She
632:40 was waiting for us, I was relieved. She was in producer mode, all geared up and
632:43 was in producer mode, all geared up and immediately asked for a favor. "What's
632:46 immediately asked for a favor. "What's up?" I'd asked, reaching into the pocket
632:48 up?" I'd asked, reaching into the pocket of my bag to pull out my sunglasses. "Do
632:51 of my bag to pull out my sunglasses. "Do you think you can sit in the stands and
632:53 you think you can sit in the stands and get some shots of the fans?"
632:55 get some shots of the fans?" She turned and pointed her arm in the
632:57 She turned and pointed her arm in the direction of home plate. And I want some
633:00 direction of home plate. And I want some stills from the stands, like a fans eye
633:03 stills from the stands, like a fans eye view of the game. Can you do that?
633:06 view of the game. Can you do that? Could I do that? Could I put myself in a
633:09 Could I do that? Could I put myself in a position to not have to engage with Wes
633:12 position to not have to engage with Wes or the entire team? She couldn't have
633:15 or the entire team? She couldn't have asked for a more wonderful favor that
633:17 asked for a more wonderful favor that day. Of course, I'd said, nodding. Tell
633:21 day. Of course, I'd said, nodding. Tell me everything you need.
633:24 me everything you need. Instead of being near the dugout, she
633:26 Instead of being near the dugout, she wanted me with the crowd. So, I wandered
633:28 wanted me with the crowd. So, I wandered around before the game taking photos of
633:31 around before the game taking photos of fans as they bought concessions and
633:33 fans as they bought concessions and basically looked like walking
633:35 basically looked like walking advertisements for UCLA baseball.
633:38 advertisements for UCLA baseball. It was escapism from the stress of
633:40 It was escapism from the stress of figuring out what to do about Wes. Thank
633:42 figuring out what to do about Wes. Thank God. The only problem was that once he
633:45 God. The only problem was that once he took the field for warm-ups, he was my
633:48 took the field for warm-ups, he was my focal point. If I looked straight ahead,
633:52 focal point. If I looked straight ahead, there he was, the center point of my
633:55 there he was, the center point of my sighteline.
633:57 sighteline. and it was impossible for me to tear my
633:58 and it was impossible for me to tear my eyes away.
634:00 eyes away. I'd always been obsessed with the way he
634:02 I'd always been obsessed with the way he looked when he was playing baseball.
634:05 looked when he was playing baseball. But that afternoon, after everything he
634:08 But that afternoon, after everything he just said to me, I couldn't stop looking
634:11 just said to me, I couldn't stop looking at him.
634:12 at him. I exist to exist alongside of you.
634:16 I exist to exist alongside of you. But then he saw me. I gasped and looked
634:20 But then he saw me. I gasped and looked away, but not before meeting stormy
634:23 away, but not before meeting stormy brown eyes that felt like they could
634:25 brown eyes that felt like they could read my very soul.
634:28 read my very soul. The game started and I sat in my seat
634:31 The game started and I sat in my seat behind home plate about eight rows back,
634:34 behind home plate about eight rows back, capturing the action from the center of
634:36 capturing the action from the center of the stance. My peripheral vision was
634:39 the stance. My peripheral vision was always aware of where the tall pitcher
634:40 always aware of where the tall pitcher in the number 32 jersey was, but I
634:43 in the number 32 jersey was, but I refused to focus on him
634:46 refused to focus on him until he took the mount.
634:49 until he took the mount. It was a laid-back scrimmage where
634:51 It was a laid-back scrimmage where everyone played, and apparently the
634:53 everyone played, and apparently the fourth inning was his.
634:56 fourth inning was his. I watched as he came out, and the sight
634:59 I watched as he came out, and the sight of his intense face brought back
635:02 of his intense face brought back memories of him kissing me against the
635:04 memories of him kissing me against the dugout wall,
635:06 dugout wall, of him knowing exactly how many 1213s
635:09 of him knowing exactly how many 1213s we'd been apart.
635:11 we'd been apart. 719.
635:14 719. Of him saying, "I exist to exist
635:18 Of him saying, "I exist to exist alongside of you."
635:20 alongside of you." His eyes found mine through the long
635:22 His eyes found mine through the long lens, and he swallowed and clenched that
635:25 lens, and he swallowed and clenched that hard jaw. I felt like I couldn't
635:28 hard jaw. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had no idea what that look
635:31 breathe. I had no idea what that look was. Anger, sadness,
635:34 was. Anger, sadness, but I felt it in my belly as we watched
635:37 but I felt it in my belly as we watched each other.
635:39 each other. And then it was gone because he was
635:41 And then it was gone because he was throwing the ball.
635:43 throwing the ball. The first pitch was a fast ball that the
635:45 The first pitch was a fast ball that the hitter didn't even swing at. Damn, he
635:48 hitter didn't even swing at. Damn, he was good.
635:49 was good. He caught the ball when Mick threw it
635:51 He caught the ball when Mick threw it back, gave it a flip, trailed his
635:54 back, gave it a flip, trailed his fingers over the seam before bringing it
635:56 fingers over the seam before bringing it in for the next windup.
635:58 in for the next windup. He took a deep breath, kicked his front
636:00 He took a deep breath, kicked his front leg, and threw what looked like a
636:03 leg, and threw what looked like a slider. I still wasn't good at
636:05 slider. I still wasn't good at identifying pitches. The batter got a
636:08 identifying pitches. The batter got a piece of that one, sending a line drive
636:10 piece of that one, sending a line drive into the infield. Only it came back at
636:13 into the infield. Only it came back at Wes. The ball hit him in the center of
636:15 Wes. The ball hit him in the center of his chest before it bounced onto the
636:17 his chest before it bounced onto the field.
636:18 field. The first baseman ran over and grabbed
636:20 The first baseman ran over and grabbed it, sprinting back to base to get the
636:22 it, sprinting back to base to get the out. And it happened so fast that it
636:25 out. And it happened so fast that it almost seemed like it didn't bother us.
636:27 almost seemed like it didn't bother us. But then he put his hand on his chest
636:30 But then he put his hand on his chest and grimaced, took a few steps like he
636:32 and grimaced, took a few steps like he was going to walk it off and collapsed
636:35 was going to walk it off and collapsed onto the grass. Wes. I leapt to my feet,
636:39 onto the grass. Wes. I leapt to my feet, my heart in my throat as I watched him
636:41 my heart in my throat as I watched him roll onto his side. A collective gasp
636:44 roll onto his side. A collective gasp went up from the stands as coaches ran
636:46 went up from the stands as coaches ran over and players, but it was hard to see
636:49 over and players, but it was hard to see as they crowded around him and he was
636:52 as they crowded around him and he was facing the other way. Move. I wanted to
636:55 facing the other way. Move. I wanted to scream to every person who was blocking
636:57 scream to every person who was blocking my view. I couldn't see Wes, and I
637:00 my view. I couldn't see Wes, and I needed to know if his eyes were open.
637:03 needed to know if his eyes were open. Are his eyes open?
637:05 Are his eyes open? Is he conscious? I yelled to no one and
637:09 Is he conscious? I yelled to no one and everyone, staring at his legs, looking
637:11 everyone, staring at his legs, looking for any sign of movement.
637:14 for any sign of movement. But there wasn't any. His long legs,
637:18 But there wasn't any. His long legs, white baseball pants and tall blue socks
637:22 white baseball pants and tall blue socks were still as he lay on the ground.
637:27 were still as he lay on the ground. Please, God, let him be okay. Please,
637:29 Please, God, let him be okay. Please, please, please, please. Fear clutched at
637:32 please, please, please. Fear clutched at my chest and I stood on my tiptoes
637:35 my chest and I stood on my tiptoes trying to see, but I couldn't see
637:37 trying to see, but I couldn't see anything because everyone in front of me
637:39 anything because everyone in front of me was on their feet. "Excuse me," I said
637:43 was on their feet. "Excuse me," I said loudly, grabbing my stuff. "I need out."
637:47 loudly, grabbing my stuff. "I need out." I pushed past the people in my rope,
637:49 I pushed past the people in my rope, blinded by tears as I scrambled to get
637:51 blinded by tears as I scrambled to get free. I bumped off of everyone with my
637:54 free. I bumped off of everyone with my arms full of gear, rushing to get closer
637:56 arms full of gear, rushing to get closer to Wes. He has to be okay. Please,
638:00 to Wes. He has to be okay. Please, please be okay.
638:02 please be okay. When I finally reached the end of the
638:04 When I finally reached the end of the row, I ran down the steps to get closer
638:06 row, I ran down the steps to get closer to the field, watching from behind the
638:08 to the field, watching from behind the net as Coach Ross crouched beside him,
638:11 net as Coach Ross crouched beside him, saying something I couldn't hear.
638:14 saying something I couldn't hear. Please sit up, Wes. God, please sit up.
638:19 Please sit up, Wes. God, please sit up. The seconds ticked by like hours as the
638:21 The seconds ticked by like hours as the only boy I'd ever loved lay on his side
638:24 only boy I'd ever loved lay on his side in the middle of the baseball field. I
638:27 in the middle of the baseball field. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout
638:29 wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout the words I should have already said so
638:31 the words I should have already said so badly as I gripped the net and waited to
638:34 badly as I gripped the net and waited to see any sign that he was going to be
638:36 see any sign that he was going to be fine. I needed to see his face, to see
638:40 fine. I needed to see his face, to see his smile because my brain was only
638:43 his smile because my brain was only showing me the unhappy look we'd
638:44 showing me the unhappy look we'd exchanged a few minutes ago.
638:47 exchanged a few minutes ago. There will never be anyone for me but
638:50 There will never be anyone for me but you. So, you need to be okay,
638:54 you. So, you need to be okay, Liz. I looked to my right and Clark was
638:58 Liz. I looked to my right and Clark was jogging toward me. And when he reached
639:00 jogging toward me. And when he reached my side, he wrapped his huge arms around
639:03 my side, he wrapped his huge arms around me. "He's going to be okay, Lizard." "Is
639:07 me. "He's going to be okay, Lizard." "Is he?" I said, crying into his shirt
639:10 he?" I said, crying into his shirt before quickly pulling away to go back
639:12 before quickly pulling away to go back to watching the field. "Because he still
639:15 to watching the field. "Because he still hasn't moved." "At least he's awake,
639:18 hasn't moved." "At least he's awake, though," Clark said. "That's the He is."
639:22 though," Clark said. "That's the He is." I put my hand over my heart, scared to
639:24 I put my hand over my heart, scared to believe him.
639:26 believe him. Are you sure?
639:28 Are you sure? Positive, he said, nodding.
639:32 Positive, he said, nodding. I think they're being super careful with
639:34 I think they're being super careful with him in case he's got broken ribs or
639:35 him in case he's got broken ribs or something. Broken ribs.
639:38 something. Broken ribs. Just as Clark said that, Wes slowly sat
639:42 Just as Clark said that, Wes slowly sat up. "Oh, thank God," I whispered, wiping
639:47 up. "Oh, thank God," I whispered, wiping at the tears that were obstructing my
639:49 at the tears that were obstructing my view.
639:50 view. Relief flooded me as Ross and another
639:53 Relief flooded me as Ross and another coach helped West to his feet. but his
639:55 coach helped West to his feet. but his face didn't look right. He looked out of
639:58 face didn't look right. He looked out of it and he looked like he was in pain as
640:00 it and he looked like he was in pain as the coaches helped him off the field.
640:03 the coaches helped him off the field. I stood there in shock for a few minutes
640:06 I stood there in shock for a few minutes as the fans clapped for him and the
640:08 as the fans clapped for him and the scrimmage started up again, but then I
640:11 scrimmage started up again, but then I couldn't wait anymore. I needed to get
640:14 couldn't wait anymore. I needed to get to him. "Come on," I said, pointing in
640:17 to him. "Come on," I said, pointing in Wes's direction. "He's not okay, Liz."
640:21 Wes's direction. "He's not okay, Liz." Lilith grabbed my sleeve. I hadn't even
640:24 Lilith grabbed my sleeve. I hadn't even registered she was standing next to me.
640:26 registered she was standing next to me. "Listen," she said, leaning closer and
640:30 "Listen," she said, leaning closer and lowering her voice, looking around to
640:32 lowering her voice, looking around to make sure no one else could hear.
640:34 make sure no one else could hear. "They're taking Wes by ambulance to
640:36 "They're taking Wes by ambulance to Ronald Reagan. Ross thinks he's okay,
640:39 Ronald Reagan. Ross thinks he's okay, but they want to get some X-rays and
640:41 but they want to get some X-rays and stuff to rule out broken ribs or a
640:42 stuff to rule out broken ribs or a punctured lung." "Is that a
640:45 punctured lung." "Is that a possibility?" I asked, feeling a little
640:48 possibility?" I asked, feeling a little lightaded.
640:50 lightaded. by ambulance,
640:52 by ambulance, punctured lung. I heard sirens in the
640:55 punctured lung. I heard sirens in the distance and felt nauseous. "Dear God,
640:59 distance and felt nauseous. "Dear God, please let him be okay." "He throws 90
641:02 please let him be okay." "He throws 90 mph pitches, so it's definitely
641:04 mph pitches, so it's definitely possible," she said, reaching out to
641:07 possible," she said, reaching out to take the camera from my hands. "Clark, I
641:11 take the camera from my hands. "Clark, I need you to drive Liz to the hospital.
641:13 need you to drive Liz to the hospital. Can you do that for me?" "Of course." He
641:17 Can you do that for me?" "Of course." He looked down at me and smiled softly.
641:20 looked down at me and smiled softly. Lilith was giving me such a motherly
641:22 Lilith was giving me such a motherly stare that the tears were instantly
641:24 stare that the tears were instantly back.
641:25 back. I swallowed and said, "Thank you." Clark
641:29 I swallowed and said, "Thank you." Clark and I started jogging toward the car,
641:32 and I started jogging toward the car, but just before I opened the door, I
641:34 but just before I opened the door, I heard Lilith yell, "Go get him, Bucks
641:36 heard Lilith yell, "Go get him, Bucks Bomb."
641:42 When Clark finally pulled up in front of the ER entrance, I threw open the door
641:44 the ER entrance, I threw open the door and ran inside.
641:46 and ran inside. I'm going to go park," he yelled out the
641:49 I'm going to go park," he yelled out the window. "I'll find you when I get
641:51 window. "I'll find you when I get inside."
641:53 inside." But when I went in, the woman at the
641:55 But when I went in, the woman at the desk wouldn't tell me anything and
641:56 desk wouldn't tell me anything and wouldn't let me go through the locked
641:58 wouldn't let me go through the locked doors that led to Wes because I wasn't
642:00 doors that led to Wes because I wasn't family, even when I begged with tears
642:05 family, even when I begged with tears and whining.
642:07 and whining. So, I had no choice but to wait.
642:11 So, I had no choice but to wait. Once he's stabilized and the doctor has
642:14 Once he's stabilized and the doctor has seen him, then I can call the nurse and
642:17 seen him, then I can call the nurse and see if someone can take you back.
642:20 see if someone can take you back. The lady looked at me like I was the
642:22 The lady looked at me like I was the most annoying person on the planet. For
642:25 most annoying person on the planet. For now, just take a seat.
642:29 now, just take a seat. I can't sit, I said to myself, stepping
642:33 I can't sit, I said to myself, stepping away from the desk.
642:35 away from the desk. There was a waiting room full of chairs,
642:37 There was a waiting room full of chairs, but I couldn't just plop down in between
642:39 but I couldn't just plop down in between strangers and sit still like everything
642:41 strangers and sit still like everything was fine. Nothing is fine.
642:45 was fine. Nothing is fine. I looked around searching for a place to
642:47 I looked around searching for a place to pace without driving the other way nuts.
642:51 pace without driving the other way nuts. But then I heard Liz. I turned around
642:55 But then I heard Liz. I turned around and Coach Ross was walking toward me. I
642:59 and Coach Ross was walking toward me. I didn't know the guy and we'd never
643:01 didn't know the guy and we'd never spoken, so it was a little jarring
643:03 spoken, so it was a little jarring hearing him say my name. He had a
643:06 hearing him say my name. He had a reputation for being well hot. But I saw
643:10 reputation for being well hot. But I saw nothing but the crease between his
643:12 nothing but the crease between his eyebrows and the serious expression on
643:14 eyebrows and the serious expression on his face. "How is he?" I asked, running
643:18 his face. "How is he?" I asked, running to meet him. "Is he okay?"
643:21 to meet him. "Is he okay?" He looked past me at the other people in
643:23 He looked past me at the other people in the waiting room before saying, "Why
643:26 the waiting room before saying, "Why don't you come back with me?
643:28 don't you come back with me? My stomach clenched when he said that
643:32 My stomach clenched when he said that because he said it like he didn't want
643:33 because he said it like he didn't want to have to tell me bad news in front of
643:35 to have to tell me bad news in front of strangers.
643:37 strangers. He put his hand on my lower back and led
643:39 He put his hand on my lower back and led me through the locked doors which the
643:42 me through the locked doors which the desk lady unlocked for him with a smile
643:45 desk lady unlocked for him with a smile and I wanted to scream.
643:48 and I wanted to scream. As soon as we cleared the doors, he
643:50 As soon as we cleared the doors, he gestured toward a tiny waiting room.
643:53 gestured toward a tiny waiting room. Lilith called and told me you were on
643:55 Lilith called and told me you were on the way, so I thought you might prefer
643:57 the way, so I thought you might prefer waiting back here.
643:59 waiting back here. >> "We can't go see him?" I asked, craning
644:02 >> "We can't go see him?" I asked, craning my neck to see down the hallway of exam
644:04 my neck to see down the hallway of exam rooms, not wanting to go into some empty
644:07 rooms, not wanting to go into some empty little room where Wes wasn't.
644:10 little room where Wes wasn't. They gave him some pain meds, so he's
644:13 They gave him some pain meds, so he's resting while they wait on the blood
644:14 resting while they wait on the blood work results. "Bood work?" I pushed back
644:18 work results. "Bood work?" I pushed back my hair. Why would they need to do blood
644:21 my hair. Why would they need to do blood work? He smiled at me like he thought I
644:25 work? He smiled at me like he thought I was funny and said, "Jesus, will you
644:27 was funny and said, "Jesus, will you relax?
644:29 relax? He's going to be fine." "He is?" I
644:33 He's going to be fine." "He is?" I stared at him and couldn't tell if he
644:35 stared at him and couldn't tell if he was messing with me or not. "Really?
644:39 was messing with me or not. "Really? He's got some bruised ribs and doesn't
644:42 He's got some bruised ribs and doesn't particularly enjoy taking deep breaths
644:44 particularly enjoy taking deep breaths right now, but he's okay," Ross said,
644:48 right now, but he's okay," Ross said, smirking like he'd been amused by Wes's
644:50 smirking like he'd been amused by Wes's discomfort.
644:52 discomfort. The blood work is just to make sure his
644:54 The blood work is just to make sure his heart is functioning properly, but
644:57 heart is functioning properly, but everything looks good on the X-rays and
644:58 everything looks good on the X-rays and CT scan. They're just going to keep him
645:01 CT scan. They're just going to keep him overnight for observation.
645:04 overnight for observation. "Oh, thank God," I said, feeling so
645:07 "Oh, thank God," I said, feeling so relieved. I was actually laded.
645:10 relieved. I was actually laded. I blinked fast, not wanting to ball
645:13 I blinked fast, not wanting to ball anymore and needed to sit, even though
645:16 anymore and needed to sit, even though there was no way in hell I was going to
645:18 there was no way in hell I was going to sit. I have to see him. I promise not to
645:22 sit. I have to see him. I promise not to wake him up or anything, but I really
645:24 wake him up or anything, but I really cannot wait. Room 8, he interrupted,
645:28 cannot wait. Room 8, he interrupted, tilting his head and looking at me like
645:30 tilting his head and looking at me like I was downright pathetic.
645:33 I was downright pathetic. At the end of the hall,
645:42 chapter 45. The truth is, I gave my heart away a
645:44 The truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart. And I
645:47 long time ago, my whole heart. And I never really got it back. Sweet home,
645:50 never really got it back. Sweet home, Alabama.
645:52 Alabama. Wes.
645:54 Wes. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes,
645:57 I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, trying my damnedest to function without
645:59 trying my damnedest to function without breathing because every time I took a
646:01 breathing because every time I took a breath, it felt like I was being kicked
646:03 breath, it felt like I was being kicked in the chest. The nurse gave me
646:05 in the chest. The nurse gave me something for the pain before leaving to
646:07 something for the pain before leaving to get my transfer paperwork going. But so
646:09 get my transfer paperwork going. But so far, I wasn't doing a thing, and I
646:11 far, I wasn't doing a thing, and I needed to use the facilities.
646:14 needed to use the facilities. Now, I knew if I hit the call button for
646:16 Now, I knew if I hit the call button for help, as per my nurse's instructions,
646:18 help, as per my nurse's instructions, not only would that lady be holding my
646:20 not only would that lady be holding my hand for the hallway stroll, but she'd
646:22 hand for the hallway stroll, but she'd also be joining me in the men's room for
646:24 also be joining me in the men's room for the entire urinal visit. Yes, it was her
646:28 the entire urinal visit. Yes, it was her job, but I just wasn't in the mood for
646:30 job, but I just wasn't in the mood for that kind of uplose and personal. So, I
646:33 that kind of uplose and personal. So, I gritted my teeth and sat up, swinging my
646:36 gritted my teeth and sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. [ __ ]
646:40 legs over the side of the bed. [ __ ] I literally saw stars as the pain in my
646:43 I literally saw stars as the pain in my chest burned and I put my hand on the
646:45 chest burned and I put my hand on the spot in an attempt to absorb the
646:46 spot in an attempt to absorb the pressure when I kept going, forcing my
646:49 pressure when I kept going, forcing my body into a standing position. "Oh, holy
646:52 body into a standing position. "Oh, holy shit," I bit out, leaning down and
646:56 shit," I bit out, leaning down and putting both hands over the spot as pain
646:57 putting both hands over the spot as pain stabbed at me like a hot knife. I was
647:00 stabbed at me like a hot knife. I was still shocked the hit hadn't shattered
647:02 still shocked the hit hadn't shattered each and every one of my ribs because it
647:04 each and every one of my ribs because it felt like the ball had been shot out of
647:06 felt like the ball had been shot out of a cannon. For a solid 30 seconds after
647:09 a cannon. For a solid 30 seconds after I'd fallen down, I was terrified I was
647:11 I'd fallen down, I was terrified I was going into cardiac arrest because it had
647:14 going into cardiac arrest because it had been that hard to breathe. Thank God
647:16 been that hard to breathe. Thank God Ross had been there to talk me through
647:18 Ross had been there to talk me through it. I was careful to be quiet as I
647:20 it. I was careful to be quiet as I slipped out of my room, hunched over and
647:23 slipped out of my room, hunched over and shuffling like a 100-year-old man and
647:25 shuffling like a 100-year-old man and ducked into the restroom just across the
647:27 ducked into the restroom just across the hall. Everything hurt when I stood, but
647:30 hall. Everything hurt when I stood, but it was worse when I leaned down to wash
647:32 it was worse when I leaned down to wash my hands. And then I thought about Liz,
647:35 my hands. And then I thought about Liz, which made my heart ache in addition to
647:38 which made my heart ache in addition to my chest. Does she know? Does she care?
647:42 my chest. Does she know? Does she care? It was totally emo for me to think of
647:44 It was totally emo for me to think of that at this moment. But I couldn't help
647:47 that at this moment. But I couldn't help it. It seemed I was destined to spend
647:50 it. It seemed I was destined to spend the rest of my life thinking about the
647:51 the rest of my life thinking about the girl who wasn't sure if she wanted to
647:52 girl who wasn't sure if she wanted to think about me at all. So when I came
647:55 think about me at all. So when I came out and crossed the hall, I couldn't
647:57 out and crossed the hall, I couldn't quite believe my ears. It was her.
648:02 quite believe my ears. It was her. So, just keep resting while I talk.
648:04 So, just keep resting while I talk. Okay. What the [ __ ] I thought as I
648:07 Okay. What the [ __ ] I thought as I heard her voice. Am I dead? Because that
648:11 heard her voice. Am I dead? Because that sure as hell sounded like Libby. I
648:13 sure as hell sounded like Libby. I stepped into the doorway of my room,
648:15 stepped into the doorway of my room, narrowed my eyes to a squint, and holy
648:18 narrowed my eyes to a squint, and holy balls, yes, that was definitely Liz's
648:21 balls, yes, that was definitely Liz's hair. Either I was dead in heaven was a
648:24 hair. Either I was dead in heaven was a hospital room, or she was standing there
648:27 hospital room, or she was standing there talking to the privacy curtain that was
648:28 talking to the privacy curtain that was pulled closed around my bed. I can't
648:31 pulled closed around my bed. I can't wait another second to say this, Wes.
648:33 wait another second to say this, Wes. So, if you're asleep, I'll just repeat
648:35 So, if you're asleep, I'll just repeat it all after you wake up. She thinks I'm
648:38 it all after you wake up. She thinks I'm in there. I knew I should tell her I
648:41 in there. I knew I should tell her I wasn't, that I was wide awake and
648:43 wasn't, that I was wide awake and listening to her every word, but I
648:45 listening to her every word, but I didn't want to interrupt. I put a hand
648:48 didn't want to interrupt. I put a hand on the door frame for support, suddenly
648:50 on the door frame for support, suddenly able to ignore the pain in my chest.
648:53 able to ignore the pain in my chest. Last night, after we got picked up by
648:55 Last night, after we got picked up by the cop, I thought I was conflicted over
648:58 the cop, I thought I was conflicted over my feelings. this morning too. I thought
649:01 my feelings. this morning too. I thought I was confused about everything. But I
649:04 I was confused about everything. But I was such an idiot, Wes," she said. And
649:06 was such an idiot, Wes," she said. And her voice was thick, like she was
649:08 her voice was thick, like she was emotional. "Because when I saw you get
649:11 emotional. "Because when I saw you get hit and you were lying on the field,"
649:14 hit and you were lying on the field," her voice cracked and she stopped like
649:16 her voice cracked and she stopped like she was trying to keep it together,
649:18 she was trying to keep it together, which made me struggle to keep my [ __ ]
649:20 which made me struggle to keep my [ __ ] together because [ __ ] Liz was here in
649:23 together because [ __ ] Liz was here in my hospital room. And it sure sounded
649:26 my hospital room. And it sure sounded like she hadn't enjoyed me taking a line
649:27 like she hadn't enjoyed me taking a line drive to the chest. That was a pretty
649:30 drive to the chest. That was a pretty low bar, I had to admit. But I held my
649:33 low bar, I had to admit. But I held my breath and waited for more.
649:35 breath and waited for more. She's here. When I saw you get hit, I
649:40 She's here. When I saw you get hit, I realized there isn't anything confusing
649:42 realized there isn't anything confusing about it at all. I love you. Of course,
649:45 about it at all. I love you. Of course, I love you. You're Wes.
649:48 I love you. You're Wes. You are the only boy I've ever loved in
649:51 You are the only boy I've ever loved in my entire life. I think I've loved you
649:55 my entire life. I think I've loved you without stopping since you set me on the
649:57 without stopping since you set me on the trunk of my car after prom and kissed me
650:00 trunk of my car after prom and kissed me at 12:13.
650:02 at 12:13. I felt like I couldn't breathe, but this
650:04 I felt like I couldn't breathe, but this time it had nothing to do with baseball
650:06 time it had nothing to do with baseball slamming into my ribs. I put my fist
650:08 slamming into my ribs. I put my fist over my mouth to keep myself from
650:10 over my mouth to keep myself from speaking as I listened to her say what I
650:12 speaking as I listened to her say what I daydreamed about her saying for nearly 2
650:15 daydreamed about her saying for nearly 2 years. Hell, what I daydreamed about her
650:18 years. Hell, what I daydreamed about her saying for forever.
650:20 saying for forever. You are the only boy I've ever loved in
650:22 You are the only boy I've ever loved in my entire life. It was killing me not to
650:25 my entire life. It was killing me not to be able to see her face, but I was
650:28 be able to see her face, but I was terrified that a word from me would make
650:29 terrified that a word from me would make her and this moment disappear.
650:33 her and this moment disappear. And I'd do anything to keep this moment
650:35 And I'd do anything to keep this moment from disappearing.
650:37 from disappearing. So, I don't want to waste any more time
650:39 So, I don't want to waste any more time trying to figure things out with us
650:41 trying to figure things out with us because they're already figured out,
650:43 because they're already figured out, right? She took in a shaky breath and
650:46 right? She took in a shaky breath and said, "There will never be anyone else
650:48 said, "There will never be anyone else for me. Hard stop. So, let's get on with
650:52 for me. Hard stop. So, let's get on with us. I want us to start immediately,
650:57 us. I want us to start immediately, like 0 to 60. Let's get to the good part
651:00 like 0 to 60. Let's get to the good part where we're back in a continuous text
651:02 where we're back in a continuous text conversation about something stupid like
651:04 conversation about something stupid like raccoon memes. I opened my mouth to
651:07 raccoon memes. I opened my mouth to respond because I desperately needed to
651:10 respond because I desperately needed to look into those emerald eyes while her
651:12 look into those emerald eyes while her perfect mouth spoke those perfect words.
651:15 perfect mouth spoke those perfect words. But then I took a deep breath. [ __ ]
651:18 But then I took a deep breath. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] That hurts, making it
651:21 [ __ ] [ __ ] That hurts, making it impossible to speak. I put my hands over
651:24 impossible to speak. I put my hands over my ribs and clenched my teeth to keep me
651:26 my ribs and clenched my teeth to keep me from making a noise. But how can my
651:29 from making a noise. But how can my chest hurt so much when my heart was
651:30 chest hurt so much when my heart was finally [ __ ] healed?
651:33 finally [ __ ] healed? And it's incredibly ironic, by the way,
651:36 And it's incredibly ironic, by the way, that you used the lyrics from elicit
651:38 that you used the lyrics from elicit affairs on me because I actually
651:40 affairs on me because I actually banished that song from my life. Wes, I
651:44 banished that song from my life. Wes, I did. I deleted it after we broke up
651:46 did. I deleted it after we broke up because two specific lines, the very two
651:49 because two specific lines, the very two that you quoted, were so painfully
651:52 that you quoted, were so painfully perfect for us that they broke me every
651:54 perfect for us that they broke me every time I heard them. I tried swallowing,
651:57 time I heard them. I tried swallowing, but my throat was too tight. Of course,
652:00 but my throat was too tight. Of course, I randomly quoted to her a pair of
652:02 I randomly quoted to her a pair of lyrics that she'd already associated
652:03 lyrics that she'd already associated with us. The universe was in on it. The
652:07 with us. The universe was in on it. The mastermind, I swear to God, because I
652:11 mastermind, I swear to God, because I never stopped loving you either, she
652:13 never stopped loving you either, she said. and I needed to cut her off and
652:16 said. and I needed to cut her off and force her to repeat that sentence a h
652:18 force her to repeat that sentence a h 100 times and then a thousand more. I
652:21 100 times and then a thousand more. I never stopped loving you. She made a
652:24 never stopped loving you. She made a little laugh sound in the back of her
652:26 little laugh sound in the back of her throat and said, "Although technically,
652:29 throat and said, "Although technically, for the record, it probably started the
652:31 for the record, it probably started the day you fixed my bloody nose with your
652:33 day you fixed my bloody nose with your shirt, not prom night, but we can figure
652:36 shirt, not prom night, but we can figure that out later." That was it. I couldn't
652:40 that out later." That was it. I couldn't stay silent another second. Liz was
652:43 stay silent another second. Liz was here. Liz was mine. And 1 second more
652:46 here. Liz was mine. And 1 second more was 1 second too many. My pulse was
652:49 was 1 second too many. My pulse was hammering, pounding in my ears as I
652:51 hammering, pounding in my ears as I said, "That's total [ __ ] and you
652:54 said, "That's total [ __ ] and you know it."
653:03 Chapter 46. No measure of time with you will be long
653:05 No measure of time with you will be long enough, but let's start with forever.
653:09 enough, but let's start with forever. Breaking Dawn, part one.
653:13 Breaking Dawn, part one. Liz.
653:15 Liz. Oh my god. I gasped and turned around,
653:19 Oh my god. I gasped and turned around, covering my heart with my hands, and
653:21 covering my heart with my hands, and there was Wes. Instead of lying on the
653:24 there was Wes. Instead of lying on the bed behind the curtain, he was standing
653:27 bed behind the curtain, he was standing behind me in the doorway of the exam
653:29 behind me in the doorway of the exam room. His hair was a mess. He was
653:32 room. His hair was a mess. He was clutching his ribs with his left hand.
653:34 clutching his ribs with his left hand. And Wes Bennett was wearing a baby blue
653:37 And Wes Bennett was wearing a baby blue hospital gown with bright yellow grippy
653:39 hospital gown with bright yellow grippy socks on his feet.
653:41 socks on his feet. I didn't want to cry again. But seeing
653:44 I didn't want to cry again. But seeing him upright looking so beautifully
653:47 him upright looking so beautifully ridiculous made me feel like balling all
653:50 ridiculous made me feel like balling all over again.
653:52 over again. Thank you, God.
653:55 Thank you, God. I pointed to the curtain and stupidly
653:57 I pointed to the curtain and stupidly said, "I thought you were in there."
654:01 said, "I thought you were in there." He slid the door closed behind him, his
654:04 He slid the door closed behind him, his mouth a hard line as he looked at me and
654:06 mouth a hard line as he looked at me and said, "I went down the hall, and when I
654:10 said, "I went down the hall, and when I came back to my room, there you were."
654:13 came back to my room, there you were." His face was impossible to read.
654:16 His face was impossible to read. He didn't look mad, but he didn't look
654:19 He didn't look mad, but he didn't look happy either,
654:21 happy either, which was scary because I'd just bared
654:23 which was scary because I'd just bared my soul to him. My heart was pounding.
654:27 my soul to him. My heart was pounding. My hands were shaking. And my face was
654:29 My hands were shaking. And my face was on fire as I wondered what he was
654:31 on fire as I wondered what he was thinking.
654:33 thinking. I said, "So you heard um what I I heard
654:39 I said, "So you heard um what I I heard everything."
654:41 everything." He said, his jaw flexing
654:45 He said, his jaw flexing and I call [ __ ]
654:48 and I call [ __ ] What?
654:49 What? I've been so desperate to tell him I
654:51 I've been so desperate to tell him I loved him that I hadn't considered he
654:53 loved him that I hadn't considered he might not believe me.
654:55 might not believe me. Which part are you calling [ __ ]
654:59 Which part are you calling [ __ ] Well, come here first, he said, his
655:04 Well, come here first, he said, his voice kind of growly.
655:07 voice kind of growly. Because I'm going to die if I don't
655:08 Because I'm going to die if I don't touch you soon.
655:10 touch you soon. I crossed the room in a second,
655:13 I crossed the room in a second, basically running to him on shaky legs
655:15 basically running to him on shaky legs as hot brown eyes burned me with their
655:18 as hot brown eyes burned me with their attention.
655:20 attention. God, I love him.
655:23 God, I love him. When I stopped in front of him, tilting
655:25 When I stopped in front of him, tilting my head back to look up at him,
655:28 my head back to look up at him, butterflies went wild in my stomach.
655:32 butterflies went wild in my stomach. "The dates are total BS, Box Bump," he
655:35 "The dates are total BS, Box Bump," he said, putting his big hands on my waist
655:39 said, putting his big hands on my waist and turning us, maneuvering me so my
655:42 and turning us, maneuvering me so my back was suddenly pressed against the
655:44 back was suddenly pressed against the closed door. "It wasn't prom or the Mrs.
655:48 closed door. "It wasn't prom or the Mrs. Potato at night."
655:51 Potato at night." No, I said, my heart going soft as those
655:55 No, I said, my heart going soft as those dark eyes went playful.
655:58 dark eyes went playful. Every bit of worry melted away as he
656:00 Every bit of worry melted away as he looked down at me like he wanted to
656:02 looked down at me like he wanted to laugh.
656:04 laugh. "Oh, hell no!" he grinned, his mouth in
656:08 "Oh, hell no!" he grinned, his mouth in that wide, unapologetic smile that felt
656:12 that wide, unapologetic smile that felt like home.
656:14 like home. His voice was low and rumbly,
656:16 His voice was low and rumbly, so intimate. as he said.
656:19 so intimate. as he said. >> You fell for me in third grade. The day
656:22 >> You fell for me in third grade. The day you punched me in the face.
656:25 you punched me in the face. Admit it.
656:27 Admit it. The day you told everyone at recess that
656:29 The day you told everyone at recess that I had unicorns on my underpants.
656:33 I had unicorns on my underpants. I set my palms on his chest, careful to
656:36 I set my palms on his chest, careful to stay above where he'd been head, and
656:39 stay above where he'd been head, and said, "Hardly.
656:42 said, "Hardly. I hated you." That day
656:45 I hated you." That day I awoke the passion in you that day,"
656:49 I awoke the passion in you that day," he teased, wrapping his long fingers
656:53 he teased, wrapping his long fingers around my wrists, the thin line between
656:56 around my wrists, the thin line between lemonade.
656:58 lemonade. "Is that what that was?" I asked, my
657:02 "Is that what that was?" I asked, my smile melting away as he gave me a
657:04 smile melting away as he gave me a scorching look.
657:06 scorching look. "That's what it's always been," he said,
657:10 "That's what it's always been," he said, and then he lowered his mouth.
657:13 and then he lowered his mouth. Dear God, I thought, my knees weak as
657:16 Dear God, I thought, my knees weak as his lips sipped at mine, his eyes open,
657:21 his lips sipped at mine, his eyes open, teasing nips, tracing legs.
657:25 teasing nips, tracing legs. Wes Bennett had been born knowing what
657:27 Wes Bennett had been born knowing what he was doing. I swear to God,
657:30 he was doing. I swear to God, I watched him, my entire body shaking as
657:34 I watched him, my entire body shaking as his mouth played,
657:36 his mouth played, and then my eyes wouldn't stay open any
657:39 and then my eyes wouldn't stay open any longer.
657:41 longer. Bloom by Aiden bet started playing in my
657:44 Bloom by Aiden bet started playing in my head.
657:45 head. All of the roads led me to you.
657:49 All of the roads led me to you. I flexed my fingers against his chest
657:52 I flexed my fingers against his chest and as if that was his signal or
657:54 and as if that was his signal or something, everything instantly changed.
657:58 something, everything instantly changed. He made a noise, angled his head, and
658:02 He made a noise, angled his head, and went deep with the kiss, his hungry
658:04 went deep with the kiss, his hungry mouth ferocious.
658:07 mouth ferocious. He pinned my hands against the door
658:09 He pinned my hands against the door beside my head as the attack
658:10 beside my head as the attack intensified.
658:12 intensified. I raised my face and gave him all of my
658:15 I raised my face and gave him all of my mouth, rearing up to welcome the
658:17 mouth, rearing up to welcome the onslaught as he leaned into me,
658:20 onslaught as he leaned into me, sandwiching my body between the hardness
658:22 sandwiching my body between the hardness of his and the door at my back.
658:25 of his and the door at my back. He lifted his head and looked down at
658:28 He lifted his head and looked down at me, his dark eyes flashing with
658:30 me, his dark eyes flashing with intensity.
658:32 intensity. "See it again." [clears throat] I
658:35 "See it again." [clears throat] I swallowed as his hands pressed mine into
658:37 swallowed as his hands pressed mine into the door.
658:39 the door. I looked into his eyes and I said, "I
658:42 I looked into his eyes and I said, "I love you
658:44 love you again." He growled, his voice quiet, his
658:49 again." He growled, his voice quiet, his eyes dark.
658:51 eyes dark. He leaned his weight more heavily onto
658:53 He leaned his weight more heavily onto his palms and his body into me, his
658:57 his palms and his body into me, his throat moving around a swallow as he
658:59 throat moving around a swallow as he watched me.
659:01 watched me. I love you, West Bennett, I confessed,
659:05 I love you, West Bennett, I confessed, wondering how I'd ever thought it was
659:07 wondering how I'd ever thought it was possible to deny this.
659:10 possible to deny this. I can't remember a time in my life when
659:12 I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't love you.
659:14 I didn't love you. His jaw flexed and unflexed.
659:17 His jaw flexed and unflexed. And then he said so quietly,
659:21 And then he said so quietly, "God, please let this be real."
659:24 "God, please let this be real." "It's real," I said, pressing a kiss to
659:28 "It's real," I said, pressing a kiss to his chin.
659:30 his chin. And I'm so sorry for every moment you
659:33 And I'm so sorry for every moment you had to deal with things alone.
659:36 had to deal with things alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
659:39 I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm the one who's sorry, Lib," he said,
659:43 I'm the one who's sorry, Lib," he said, a streak of red on his cheeks as he
659:45 a streak of red on his cheeks as he clenched and unclenched his jaw,
659:48 clenched and unclenched his jaw, his voice barely above a whisper as he
659:50 his voice barely above a whisper as he rubbed his nose over my cheek. "For
659:53 rubbed his nose over my cheek. "For every tear, you cried because of me."
659:57 every tear, you cried because of me." I blinked fast and breathed in the
659:59 I blinked fast and breathed in the closeness of him, trying not to cry any
660:02 closeness of him, trying not to cry any more tears.
660:04 more tears. "It wasn't you, I don't think or me. I
660:10 "It wasn't you, I don't think or me. I think it was just life that made us
660:11 think it was just life that made us cry."
660:13 cry." "Damn it," he said through gritted
660:16 "Damn it," he said through gritted teeth, closing his eyes and releasing my
660:18 teeth, closing his eyes and releasing my hands.
660:20 hands. "What?" I asked, my eyes searching his
660:23 "What?" I asked, my eyes searching his face. What's wrong?
660:26 face. What's wrong? I just He bit out, giving his head a
660:30 I just He bit out, giving his head a shake. Need a second.
660:34 shake. Need a second. And just like that, it hit me. My eyes
660:37 And just like that, it hit me. My eyes traveled over him, and I saw the sweat
660:39 traveled over him, and I saw the sweat on his forehead, the way every muscle in
660:42 on his forehead, the way every muscle in his face was clenched, and the way his
660:44 his face was clenched, and the way his left hand was gripping his chest.
660:47 left hand was gripping his chest. "Wes," I put my hands on his cheeks. "Oh
660:51 "Wes," I put my hands on his cheeks. "Oh my gosh, are you in pain?
660:54 my gosh, are you in pain? You have no idea, Lib, he said on an
660:57 You have no idea, Lib, he said on an exhale. His words a near groan. Just
661:01 exhale. His words a near groan. Just give me like 2 minutes and I'll be
661:03 give me like 2 minutes and I'll be ready. 2 minutes? Was he serious?
661:08 ready. 2 minutes? Was he serious? You need to rest. Are you kidding?
661:11 You need to rest. Are you kidding? No. He whed, biting out the syllable
661:14 No. He whed, biting out the syllable like it was physically painful to speak.
661:17 like it was physically painful to speak. This is our moment. Damn it.
661:20 This is our moment. Damn it. I wanted to laugh, but I forced it down
661:23 I wanted to laugh, but I forced it down to a smile as I took his arm and
661:26 to a smile as I took his arm and carefully led him toward the bed while
661:29 carefully led him toward the bed while his breath hissed through his teeth and
661:31 his breath hissed through his teeth and he pressed both hands against his ribs.
661:34 he pressed both hands against his ribs. "I said I don't want our moment to be
661:38 "I said I don't want our moment to be one where you're whimpering in pain,
661:40 one where you're whimpering in pain, Bennett." "I'm not whimpering," he
661:44 Bennett." "I'm not whimpering," he whimpered.
661:46 whimpered. "Did it hurt this much when you were in
661:48 "Did it hurt this much when you were in bed?" I asked.
661:50 bed?" I asked. "No," he said tightly, like he was
661:53 "No," he said tightly, like he was trying not to breathe. "It's better when
661:57 trying not to breathe. "It's better when I lay flat." "But you've stayed on your
662:00 I lay flat." "But you've stayed on your feet this entire time to kiss me. How
662:03 feet this entire time to kiss me. How could I ever love anyone but this
662:05 could I ever love anyone but this stupid, selfless, amazing boy?"
662:09 stupid, selfless, amazing boy?" I pointed and said, "Get in bed."
662:13 I pointed and said, "Get in bed." I don't want to, he said, taking one
662:17 I don't want to, he said, taking one hand off his injury to tug on my hair
662:20 hand off his injury to tug on my hair before immediately bringing it back to
662:22 before immediately bringing it back to hold over his ribs.
662:24 hold over his ribs. I'm scared if I stop touching you,
662:27 I'm scared if I stop touching you, you'll disappear.
662:30 you'll disappear. I won't, I said, pulling back the
662:33 I won't, I said, pulling back the curtain and moving the blanket out of
662:35 curtain and moving the blanket out of the way. I can't because you're the only
662:39 the way. I can't because you're the only one who knows our secret language.
662:41 one who knows our secret language. remember?
662:43 remember? How could I forget? He said quietly,
662:46 How could I forget? He said quietly, looking down at me in a way that made me
662:48 looking down at me in a way that made me want to cry again. So I said, "Well, I
662:54 want to cry again. So I said, "Well, I mean, you forgot that song was from
662:55 mean, you forgot that song was from folklore, so
662:58 folklore, so you're really going to give me [ __ ] when
663:00 you're really going to give me [ __ ] when I just almost died?" He said around a
663:03 I just almost died?" He said around a laugh, which made him grunt. Son of a
663:06 laugh, which made him grunt. Son of a [ __ ] Before getting back on the bed.
663:10 [ __ ] Before getting back on the bed. I don't think you almost died," I said
663:12 I don't think you almost died," I said under my breath, ecstatic to be us
663:15 under my breath, ecstatic to be us again.
663:17 again. I reached down to touch his hair as I
663:20 I reached down to touch his hair as I fell into a lovesick smile.
663:23 fell into a lovesick smile. "Now lie down."
663:25 "Now lie down." It took a few minutes of non-stop
663:27 It took a few minutes of non-stop cursing from Wes for him to finally be
663:30 cursing from Wes for him to finally be lying flat, and I dragged a chair over
663:32 lying flat, and I dragged a chair over to the side of the bed so I could hold
663:34 to the side of the bed so I could hold his hand.
663:36 his hand. I'm kind of scared to stop touching him,
663:38 I'm kind of scared to stop touching him, too.
663:40 too. As if reading my mind, he said, "Promise
663:43 As if reading my mind, he said, "Promise this is real."
663:45 this is real." I nodded so happy that it felt a little
663:48 I nodded so happy that it felt a little painful.
663:50 painful. "I promise
663:51 "I promise if we were in a movie, the first notes
663:54 if we were in a movie, the first notes of the closing song would be starting
663:56 of the closing song would be starting this very minute." "Oh yeah," he said,
664:00 this very minute." "Oh yeah," he said, smiling as he squeezed my hand. "What
664:03 smiling as he squeezed my hand. "What song would it be, Boxb?"
664:06 song would it be, Boxb?" One and only by Adele," I said without
664:09 One and only by Adele," I said without missing a beat.
664:11 missing a beat. It was so perfect for the scene. The two
664:14 It was so perfect for the scene. The two main characters finally coming together
664:17 main characters finally coming together in er room number eight. That song was
664:20 in er room number eight. That song was made for this moment.
664:23 made for this moment. "You'll never know if you never try to
664:26 "You'll never know if you never try to forget your past and simply be mine."
664:29 forget your past and simply be mine." "Good choice," he said, his eyes
664:33 "Good choice," he said, his eyes squinting around a smile.
664:36 squinting around a smile. Hey Siri, play one and only by Adele.
664:40 Hey Siri, play one and only by Adele. I wasn't sure how his phone heard that,
664:43 I wasn't sure how his phone heard that, but from somewhere on the other side of
664:45 but from somewhere on the other side of the room, I heard the first few notes
664:48 the room, I heard the first few notes begin to play.
664:50 begin to play. Impressive.
664:52 Impressive. I am, aren't I?
664:54 I am, aren't I? He released my hand, grinning the west
664:57 He released my hand, grinning the west grin that warmed me from the inside as
665:00 grin that warmed me from the inside as he lifted his palm to my jaw and cradled
665:03 he lifted his palm to my jaw and cradled my face.
665:05 my face. So, what would the big closing line be
665:08 So, what would the big closing line be in our movie?
665:10 in our movie? It was hard to think of words when he
665:12 It was hard to think of words when he was looking at me like that, but his
665:15 was looking at me like that, but his thumb was stroking over my chin.
665:19 thumb was stroking over my chin. [sighs]
665:21 [sighs] Maybe something about how you've always
665:23 Maybe something about how you've always wanted to be Elizabeth Bennett, and
665:27 wanted to be Elizabeth Bennett, and I'm the only guy who can give you that,"
665:30 I'm the only guy who can give you that," he asked, tugging on my hair.
665:35 he asked, tugging on my hair. Oo, that's good, I said, my soul happy
665:39 Oo, that's good, I said, my soul happy as I watched him wrap my hair around his
665:41 as I watched him wrap my hair around his fist.
665:43 fist. But technically, there are other Mr.
665:46 But technically, there are other Mr. Bennett in the world.
665:48 Bennett in the world. Not for you, he said, tugging a little
665:52 Not for you, he said, tugging a little harder.
665:54 harder. I'm your one and only.
665:57 I'm your one and only. That's a little heavy-handed, don't you
665:59 That's a little heavy-handed, don't you think? I teased.
666:01 think? I teased. But perfect, right?
666:04 But perfect, right? >> I looked at that face, at those dark
666:07 >> I looked at that face, at those dark laughing eyes and said,
666:10 laughing eyes and said, "The most perfect
666:19 epilogue." Omaha, 6ish months later, College World
666:23 Omaha, 6ish months later, College World Series championship game.
666:26 Series championship game. You're perfect. You and the ball and the
666:29 You're perfect. You and the ball and the diamond. You're this perfectly beautiful
666:31 diamond. You're this perfectly beautiful thing. You can win or lose the game all
666:34 thing. You can win or lose the game all by yourself. You don't need me.
666:38 by yourself. You don't need me. For love of the game,
666:40 For love of the game, Wes.
666:43 Wes. All right, Bennett, go pick up Bento.
666:46 All right, Bennett, go pick up Bento. I gave a nod, took a deep breath, and
666:48 I gave a nod, took a deep breath, and left the bullpen. Second inning with the
666:51 left the bullpen. Second inning with the bases loaded. Not exactly how I had
666:54 bases loaded. Not exactly how I had anticipated entering the final game of
666:56 anticipated entering the final game of the series, but when did anything ever
666:58 the series, but when did anything ever go as planned?
666:59 go as planned? Ben Aventto was usually money, but today
667:02 Ben Aventto was usually money, but today his pitches were all over the place. And
667:04 his pitches were all over the place. And we gone from being up 2 to being down
667:06 we gone from being up 2 to being down 3-2 with the bases loaded. Zero outs.
667:11 3-2 with the bases loaded. Zero outs. LSU's bats were on fire and the packed
667:14 LSU's bats were on fire and the packed out stadium was loud and electric. I
667:16 out stadium was loud and electric. I headed for the mound as Benny headed for
667:18 headed for the mound as Benny headed for the dugout, and I tried shutting
667:20 the dugout, and I tried shutting everything out as I heard the beginning
667:21 everything out as I heard the beginning of power start to play, and the stadium
667:24 of power start to play, and the stadium got even louder. I'd become a master at
667:27 got even louder. I'd become a master at quieting the world during a game. It was
667:29 quieting the world during a game. It was my superpower. My dad always thought he
667:32 my superpower. My dad always thought he was responsible for my fastball and my
667:34 was responsible for my fastball and my cutter. But the truth was that his
667:36 cutter. But the truth was that his legacy was my focus. He'd crammed
667:39 legacy was my focus. He'd crammed baseball first down my throat for so
667:40 baseball first down my throat for so many years that as long as I was able to
667:43 many years that as long as I was able to shut his voice down, everything else
667:45 shut his voice down, everything else went silent when I stepped up to pitch.
667:48 went silent when I stepped up to pitch. But this week was testing me because the
667:50 But this week was testing me because the media, ESPN, KEV, Fox Sports, had a hard
667:55 media, ESPN, KEV, Fox Sports, had a hard on for my story. Not only was I the
667:57 on for my story. Not only was I the hometown kid returning to Omaha to pitch
668:00 hometown kid returning to Omaha to pitch in the CWS championship, but I was the
668:03 in the CWS championship, but I was the hometown kid who dropped out of school 2
668:04 hometown kid who dropped out of school 2 years ago to support my family after my
668:07 years ago to support my family after my dad died. They were eating it up, which
668:11 dad died. They were eating it up, which was fine. I got it. It was a great
668:13 was fine. I got it. It was a great story. But there was a twinge of
668:16 story. But there was a twinge of pressure on my shoulders that usually
668:17 pressure on my shoulders that usually wasn't there. A what if I disappoint
668:20 wasn't there. A what if I disappoint them doubt in my head that usually
668:22 them doubt in my head that usually didn't exist because everyone I'd ever
668:25 didn't exist because everyone I'd ever known was at the game. My high school
668:27 known was at the game. My high school friends, my calc teacher, Mrs.
668:29 friends, my calc teacher, Mrs. Scarrapelli from down the street who'd
668:31 Scarrapelli from down the street who'd been wearing a t-shirt with my face on
668:33 been wearing a t-shirt with my face on it throughout the entire tournament. My
668:35 it throughout the entire tournament. My mom, my cousins, my friends from Hi,
668:38 mom, my cousins, my friends from Hi, Liz's parents, my little league coaches.
668:42 Liz's parents, my little league coaches. It was everyone from my past.
668:44 It was everyone from my past. In addition to the Bruins fans, my
668:46 In addition to the Bruins fans, my teammates families, and oh yeah, MLB
668:50 teammates families, and oh yeah, MLB reps,
668:52 reps, the place was full of my heart and my
668:54 the place was full of my heart and my dreams. I inhaled through my nose,
668:57 dreams. I inhaled through my nose, trying to memorize the moment as Kanye's
668:59 trying to memorize the moment as Kanye's voice growled out the words, "No one man
669:02 voice growled out the words, "No one man should have all that power." I wanted to
669:05 should have all that power." I wanted to capture every detail, even as I tried my
669:08 capture every detail, even as I tried my best to act like it was just another
669:09 best to act like it was just another game. I stepped onto the mound, looking
669:12 game. I stepped onto the mound, looking toward the LSU dugout as I went through
669:14 toward the LSU dugout as I went through my mental checklist, envisioning the way
669:16 my mental checklist, envisioning the way I was going to sit those batters one by
669:19 I was going to sit those batters one by one. It'd been a long season. I pictured
669:22 one. It'd been a long season. I pictured the road to Omaha wall back at Jackie,
669:25 the road to Omaha wall back at Jackie, and we were there to finish the job. We
669:28 and we were there to finish the job. We were there to win. But I couldn't deny
669:31 were there to win. But I couldn't deny myself a quick look, a one-second
669:33 myself a quick look, a one-second distraction when I heard it. Liz's
669:36 distraction when I heard it. Liz's whistle. And yes, I could tell hers
669:40 whistle. And yes, I could tell hers apart from a stadium of thousands. She
669:42 apart from a stadium of thousands. She created it specifically so I would. She
669:45 created it specifically so I would. She was so proud of the fact that she
669:47 was so proud of the fact that she learned to whistle loud as hell around
669:49 learned to whistle loud as hell around her fingers. And to make sure I could
669:51 her fingers. And to make sure I could differentiate hers from anyone else's,
669:53 differentiate hers from anyone else's, she did five quick whistles right in a
669:56 she did five quick whistles right in a row. It was silly and smart and
669:59 row. It was silly and smart and effective, just like Liz. I glanced
670:03 effective, just like Liz. I glanced toward first base and immediately saw
670:05 toward first base and immediately saw her four rows back. the seat she'd been
670:08 her four rows back. the seat she'd been in for the entire series. But today, she
670:11 in for the entire series. But today, she looked different. They were the same
670:13 looked different. They were the same sunglasses and the same blue ribbon was
670:15 sunglasses and the same blue ribbon was tied around her curls, but she was
670:18 tied around her curls, but she was wearing a UCLA jersey. That alone was
670:20 wearing a UCLA jersey. That alone was remarkable because she was firmly rooted
670:23 remarkable because she was firmly rooted in the opinion that wearing a jersey
670:24 in the opinion that wearing a jersey when you weren't a player was stupid.
670:27 when you weren't a player was stupid. But holy [ __ ] her jersey had my number
670:30 But holy [ __ ] her jersey had my number on it.
670:32 on it. It looked authentic with a 32 sewn just
670:34 It looked authentic with a 32 sewn just underneath the curse of UCLA that
670:36 underneath the curse of UCLA that stretched across her chest. And then,
670:39 stretched across her chest. And then, God help me, she did a quick spin, as if
670:42 God help me, she did a quick spin, as if she knew I was looking and could see
670:44 she knew I was looking and could see exactly what I was thinking. Bennett was
670:47 exactly what I was thinking. Bennett was stitched across her shoulders, the last
670:49 stitched across her shoulders, the last tea resting right around the spot where
670:51 tea resting right around the spot where her tattoo still was. Elizabeth [ __ ]
670:55 her tattoo still was. Elizabeth [ __ ] Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Bbomb.
670:59 Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Bbomb. Elizabeth [ __ ] Bucksbomb.
671:02 Elizabeth [ __ ] Bucksbomb. I flipped the ball, running my index
671:03 I flipped the ball, running my index finger along the seam before taking a
671:05 finger along the seam before taking a deep breath. And as I got set to throw,
671:08 deep breath. And as I got set to throw, I heard my dad's voice for the first
671:11 I heard my dad's voice for the first time in months. Only this time, he
671:13 time in months. Only this time, he wasn't yelling. This time, instead of
671:16 wasn't yelling. This time, instead of shouting, "Throw him the gas," or
671:18 shouting, "Throw him the gas," or something critical, he repeated the
671:20 something critical, he repeated the words Liz had sent to the dugout during
671:22 words Liz had sent to the dugout during the first exhibition game so many months
671:25 the first exhibition game so many months ago. His voice was calm, almost
671:28 ago. His voice was calm, almost reassuring when I heard him say, "Just
671:31 reassuring when I heard him say, "Just pitch, Bennett. You've got this, kid."
671:35 pitch, Bennett. You've got this, kid." And I did.
671:38 And I did. Exterior Charles Schwab Field Day.
671:42 Exterior Charles Schwab Field Day. The first notes of Dreamland begin
671:44 The first notes of Dreamland begin playing as we see Wes throw the pitch
671:47 playing as we see Wes throw the pitch and hear the roar of the crowd. The
671:49 and hear the roar of the crowd. The camera follows a green leaf in the
671:51 camera follows a green leaf in the outfield as it lifts up and floats away
671:53 outfield as it lifts up and floats away from Charles Schwab Field.
671:55 from Charles Schwab Field. The leaf cartwheels through the summer
671:57 The leaf cartwheels through the summer sky, dancing over and past the downtown
672:00 sky, dancing over and past the downtown Omaha skyline, dipping down to briefly
672:03 Omaha skyline, dipping down to briefly land on the Stella's neon sign before
672:04 land on the Stella's neon sign before lifting again. We continue blowing
672:07 lifting again. We continue blowing through the blue sky on the leaf until
672:09 through the blue sky on the leaf until we reach Oaklan Cemetery and move down
672:11 we reach Oaklan Cemetery and move down to street level. The leaf lands beside a
672:14 to street level. The leaf lands beside a cardinal that's sitting on top of a
672:16 cardinal that's sitting on top of a headstone before lifting yet again. This
672:18 headstone before lifting yet again. This time tumbling over Teal Street. The leaf
672:21 time tumbling over Teal Street. The leaf slowly dances down toward the ground,
672:24 slowly dances down toward the ground, fluttering between two houses before
672:25 fluttering between two houses before finally settling underneath the
672:27 finally settling underneath the windshield wiper of Liz's car, which is
672:29 windshield wiper of Liz's car, which is parked on the street between the two
672:32 parked on the street between the two houses.
672:33 houses. Fade out.
672:41 The soundtrack of Wes and Liz version 2.0 available on Spotify.
672:45 2.0 available on Spotify. Troubles coming. Royal Blood. Ever since
672:48 Troubles coming. Royal Blood. Ever since New York, Harry Styles, Congrats, Laney,
672:53 New York, Harry Styles, Congrats, Laney, Heaven, Angel, The Driver Era, Ross
672:56 Heaven, Angel, The Driver Era, Ross Lynch, Rocky, Use Me, Blake Rose,
673:01 Lynch, Rocky, Use Me, Blake Rose, Disaster, Conan Gray, August, Taylor
673:05 Disaster, Conan Gray, August, Taylor Swift, Everywhere, Ny Horin, Pink Plus
673:10 Swift, Everywhere, Ny Horin, Pink Plus White, Frank Ocean, Super Massive Black
673:13 White, Frank Ocean, Super Massive Black Hole, Muse, Chanel Number Five, Ah, sad
673:19 Hole, Muse, Chanel Number Five, Ah, sad songs in a hotel room. Joshua Basset.
673:23 songs in a hotel room. Joshua Basset. Everywhere, everything. Noah Khan,
673:25 Everywhere, everything. Noah Khan, Gracie Abrams. The deepest blues are
673:28 Gracie Abrams. The deepest blues are black. Food fighters. Old days. New
673:32 black. Food fighters. Old days. New rules. Rewrite the stars. Jess and
673:35 rules. Rewrite the stars. Jess and Gabriel. Anyone else? Joshua Basset.
673:40 Gabriel. Anyone else? Joshua Basset. Feel you now. The Driver era. House on
673:44 Feel you now. The Driver era. House on fire. Hembrey.
673:46 fire. Hembrey. Stupid face. Abe Parker. You could start
673:50 Stupid face. Abe Parker. You could start a cult. Nyall Horin. Lizzie McAlpine.
673:54 a cult. Nyall Horin. Lizzie McAlpine. Hate that you know me. Bleachers. City
673:58 Hate that you know me. Bleachers. City of Stars from La La Land soundtrack.
674:00 of Stars from La La Land soundtrack. Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Club Sandwich.
674:04 Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Club Sandwich. Joey Valance and Bray. Cowboy in LA.
674:08 Joey Valance and Bray. Cowboy in LA. Laney. [ __ ] you. Lily Allen. Second
674:12 Laney. [ __ ] you. Lily Allen. Second Nature. Joseph Tilly. Elicit Affairs,
674:16 Nature. Joseph Tilly. Elicit Affairs, Taylor Swift, Mastermind, Taylor Swift,
674:21 Taylor Swift, Mastermind, Taylor Swift, Bloom, Aiden Bisset, One and Only,
674:24 Bloom, Aiden Bisset, One and Only, Adele, Dreamland, Alexis French, James
674:28 Adele, Dreamland, Alexis French, James Morgan, Royal Liverpool Philarmonic
674:31 Morgan, Royal Liverpool Philarmonic Orchestra.
674:46 Nothing Like the Movies was written by Lynn Painter and read by Charlie
674:49 Lynn Painter and read by Charlie Bushnell and Jesse Valinsky.
674:52 Bushnell and Jesse Valinsky. Charlie Bushnell was directed by Randy
674:54 Charlie Bushnell was directed by Randy Dolick.
674:56 Dolick. Editing and post-prouction by like
674:59 Editing and post-prouction by like 2,000.
675:01 2,000. This has been a presentation of Simon
675:03 This has been a presentation of Simon and Schustster Audio.
675:17 Nothing like the movies is available in print from Simon and Schustster books
675:19 print from Simon and Schustster books for young readers. Also available from
675:22 for young readers. Also available from Simon and Schustster audio. Better than
675:25 Simon and Schustster audio. Better than the Movies written by Lynn Painter and
675:28 the Movies written by Lynn Painter and read by Jesse Valinsky.
