0:06 [Music]
0:08 I smoke
0:11 and ignite the fire. I smoke weed and
0:20 I'm going to show you an image. You tell
0:23 me what I'm showing you. Megatron.
0:25 That's a vagina. [Music]
0:35 Dude, why is that guy so good at bowling?
0:36 bowling?
0:37 Do you think they'll actually have staples?
0:38 staples?
0:39 No way.
0:41 Yes. Wait, you know what this means?
0:42 Come on.
0:45 HEY, SIR. ALL MY FRIENDS hate me and
0:46 they think I'm an idiot. HAVE A NICE DAY.
0:47 DAY.
0:56 HEY, I'm hungry. You want to go get
0:59 Taco Bell Jinx? You owe me a kiss on the lips.
1:00 lips.
1:06 Is this my label? Yep.
1:08 Yep. H
1:13 Supreme Court. Is that like Supreme the
1:14 company? Cuz that's [ __ ] tight.
1:15 I'm not this light. Money doesn't grow
1:17 on trees. Well, actually, most currency
1:18 is made out of cotton fiber, and cotton
1:20 is known to grow from bushes to trees.
1:21 So, tech. Wait, what are you doing?
1:23 Science fair project. I just found out
1:24 hamsters are allergic
1:27 to what? Being underwater for 10 minutes.
1:30 [Applause] [Music]
1:33 [Music]
1:35 If it wasn't for Pokémon Go, I would
1:37 have never walked out and realized that
1:40 my neighbor's minivan caught on fire. [Music]
1:47 I'm exhausted. Yeah, you're really
1:49 sweaty, dude. You should have seen the
1:52 other guy. Girl, your mom. What? What? What?
1:55 What?
1:56 I want a divorce.
1:56 Me, too.
1:57 All right. Right.
1:59 Right. [Music]
2:05 [Music]
2:06 I don't trust something like that.
2:08 I'm ready to buy right now.
2:09 Open that.
2:11 I will not buy if you want me to get
2:12 naked. I don't feel
2:13 Okay, so I just found out I had the
2:16 remote in my hand the entire time I was
2:17 looking for the reason to stay alive.
2:20 Like, it's the funny
2:23 P it on up till I can't even think no more.
2:27 Thank you.
2:30 No thank you. Aakia, I hope I look just
2:30 like you.
2:31 Tomorrow's Sunday. What you doing?
2:33 Thinking about just wearing this hat.
2:34 Why? Well, you better be going to church.
2:34 church.
2:35 You better be going to church.
2:37 Hey guys, thanks for watching my new
2:39 She's beautiful.
2:40 Listen, dude. If we're going to be famous.
2:42 famous.
2:42 What was that? Matube.
2:44 Matube. What?
2:44 What? Matub.
2:45 Matub.
2:47 Somebody just asked me what Barack
2:50 Obama's last name is. Like, am I
2:50 supposed to know that?
2:52 How's home school going?
2:54 Really good. My teacher is so hot. Yo,
2:56 isn't that like your mom? No, it's not
2:57 like my mom. It is
2:59 Oh, wow.
2:59 That's amazing.
3:00 That's my wife.
3:02 That's your wife.
3:04 So proud.
3:07 Sure, you may be verified on Twitter,
3:09 but are you verified in the eyes of God?
3:10 You know, Canadian girls are real
3:11 intuitive, so you have to make sure to
3:14 be subtle with your intentions.
3:16 We should [ __ ] Eh,
3:18 son, are you high? No, I'm actually kind
3:20 of depressed. Good. I'm glad that you're
3:22 not high. I'm keep up the good work.
3:25 You know what? [ __ ] you if you eat all
3:26 the time but never gain weight. Like,
3:28 whose dick are you sucking to stay
3:30 skinny, [ __ ] Hello.
3:32 Hello.
3:53 Dad. Good night. Okay,
4:02 [Music] problem.
4:02 problem.
4:04 Dude, that was really good. Thanks, bro.
4:06 Should we kiss? I mean, it'd be wrong if
4:07 we didn't.
4:10 Oh my god. Look at it. his tiny little
4:11 legs. Oh, they probably got blown off by
4:13 a grenade in Vietnam. Oh my god.
4:15 Hey guys, good alternative to recycling
4:17 when you're done with a glass bottle.
4:19 Eat it. [ __ ] eat the bottle. Hey
4:21 guys, my name is Alex. Uh, my favorite
4:23 animal is probably Jurassic Park. Uh, I
4:24 love homework and I love hitting the
4:25 nigh neigh.
4:26 Do you guys want to see something really funny?
4:29 funny?
4:31 Here's Jello. [Music]
4:32 [Music] [Applause]
4:35 [Applause]
4:38 Hey, do you vape?
4:40 You don't have to be a dick about it.
4:41 What are you doing on the roof, Uncle Alec?
4:42 Alec?
4:43 I lost my Frisbee.
4:45 Are you smoking crack up there? Yeah.
5:00 [Music]
5:03 he he wanted that popcorn and he was
5:06 going to enjoy every last kernel. I went
5:08 to school and I was like, you know, I
5:10 saw a pair of boobs online and my
5:19 [Music]
5:22 Lincoln Gills, man or dolphin,
5:25 where'd he go? Oh my god.
5:26 Hey guys, today we're watching the
5:29 liberal propaganda film about an illegal
5:41 [Applause]
5:44 Oh, my nipples just got hard. [Music]
5:56 Hello. Yo, what is there to do, man? I'm bored.
5:56 bored.
5:57 You don't have to keep telling me, bro.
5:59 I know you're bored. [Music]
6:00 [Music]
6:03 And then I was like,
6:05 What's wrong? My dog just got ran over.
6:07 Hey, well, shut up for a second. Any
6:08 Patrick, why are you listening to jazz
6:10 from the 1920s?
6:11 Because I identify as a coal miner from
6:12 the Great Depression.
6:14 I I hid the body. I hid it well, but
6:15 there's still there's like blood in my
6:17 truck. And what are you are you filming
6:20 right now? Are you filming, dude?
6:22 Yo, Chris, are you going to Dude, come
6:25 on. DON'T FILM ME, MAN.
6:26 You got a question over there? Said this
6:28 is high school geometry. Yeah. Are you
6:30 in the wrong class? Sort of. I'm
6:31 supposed to be in college right now. How
6:37 Oh, wow. That's good.
6:41 Excuse me, miss. Oh, I'm sorry. You have
6:44 a stick on your head.
6:46 Are you looking for a fast, reliable
6:48 internet connection? All at a fair price.
6:49 price.
6:51 [ __ ] you. [Music]
6:58 So, you like want to kiss? Yeah.
7:00 Yeah.
7:01 What are you doing?
7:04 I don't know. I've never done [Music]
7:14 [Music]
7:16 So, are you into guys with big hearts?
7:19 No, I'm more into bad boys.
7:21 Well, then today's your lucky day.
7:23 I'm a pretty easygoing guy and I love
7:25 video games.
7:27 Tell me where you live, [ __ ] I WILL BE
7:30 AT YOUR HOUSE. Let's
7:33 get it off and let me blow your mind.
7:36 No shoes, no shirt, no pants, no socks,
7:39 no underwear. Okay, I think I'm good.
7:41 Cinderella, why do you want to go to the
7:44 ball? Cuz stepmother, ball is life. [Music]
7:55 We're sliding. Chloe. Chloe, IT'S NOT MY
7:57 FAULT. NOT MY FAULT. OH MY GOD. Oh my
8:06 [ __ ] you.
8:09 Step up in this [ __ ] like
8:10 the one your [ __ ] like.
8:11 Hey mom, you want to make a vine?
8:13 [ __ ] you. [ __ ] you, little [ __ ] boy.
8:16 Little [ __ ] [ __ ] boy. Baby [ __ ]
8:18 I made a goal to lose 15 lbs by the end
8:19 of this month, but looks like I'm not
8:21 going to make it, so I saw my arm off. A
8:22 little weird, but kind of cool.
8:25 You have a beautiful smile.
8:27 Thank you. You're not that handsome.
8:28 Wow. Thanks.
8:31 Jeez, Morty, what the [ __ ] are we doing?
8:34 Oh, man. 6 seconds. 6 seconds of content.
8:36 content. [Music]
8:38 [Music]
8:40 Okay. Wow. Wow.
8:42 Wow.
8:44 Oh, the fish got off. It's probably cuz
8:46 God's angry. Angry at what? Gay marriage.
8:46 marriage.
8:47 Okay. See, this is why I don't go
8:54 Want a little bit? America.
8:56 America. [Music]
8:59 [Music]
9:00 [ __ ] yeah.
9:02 What do you do? I'm an entrepreneur. So,
9:05 what do you do? Well, I Well, I did this
9:07 I haven't h [Music]
9:16 been taken over by soulless stupid
9:19 creatures. OH, NO. HERE THEY COME.
9:21 What's up, [ __ ] How'd you know what I
9:24 ate yesterday?
9:37 IT'S PORNO TIME. INTERRACIAL lesbian footake.
9:47 Keep drinking, Stacy. Don't be boring.
9:50 God, I want her to [ __ ] pass out so
9:51 someone finally notices me.
9:53 Mom, it's a girl. You're going to have a
9:56 granddaughter. I'll text you THE PHOTOS.
9:58 MILLENNIALS ALWAYS TEXTING.
10:00 Bush did 9/11.
10:03 Cheney did 911.
10:04 Oprah did 911.
10:07 The cheesecake. The cheesecake. The
10:11 cheesecake. The cheesecake. The cheese.
10:12 I don't know why my entire Instagram
10:14 feed is just pictures of food. Check it out.
10:38 All right, smile.
10:43 Perfect. Now do a silly one. Honito,
10:50 [Music]
10:52 Bonus me.
10:55 Um, today is uh cement awareness month
10:56 and I just wanted to shine light on that
10:58 is actually styrofoam, believe it or
11:00 not. You can never tell these days cuz
11:01 Okay, that's real cement. I almost said
11:03 semen. Excuse me. I'm doing a video for
11:15 Yo, what if food smoked weed? [Music]
11:17 [Music]
11:21 What's up, guys? Um, 420 Gucci Gang. Um,
11:24 my mom took my vape because failing
11:28 English and like I don't even care, man.
11:31 Karen, you can suck my dick. You and Shakespeare.
11:33 Shakespeare.
11:44 Your dog is so cute. Thank you so much.
11:58 [Applause] [Music]
12:12 Heat up here. [Music]
