0:01 Hi and welcome back to the Big Deal
0:03 Podcast. I'm Cody Sanchez. If you want
0:05 to be respected, for your words to carry
0:07 weight, then this episode is for you.
0:09 I'm breaking down the communication
0:12 techniques the top 1% use to get people
0:16 leaning in, not tuning out. By the end,
0:17 you'll know how to stop sounding like
0:19 everyone else, and start speaking like
0:21 the leader people want to follow. So,
0:23 today, I want you to seal my confidence
0:25 and respect. [Music]
0:28 [Music]
0:31 First, speak in headlines. Start with
0:33 the point, not the preamble. I obsess on
0:35 my first sentence. Why? Executives don't
0:37 waste time on throat clearing or setting
0:39 up a big runway before they get to the
0:41 takeoff. By giving the headline first,
0:42 you frame the conversation and make
0:45 people lean in instead of tune out. This
0:46 is also how you never have somebody
0:48 repeat your idea to a group of people
0:50 and be able to take credit for it again.
0:52 Right? When you speak decisively and you
0:53 say something in front of a group, it
0:55 would be ridiculous for somebody else to
0:57 reframe your ideas and take them as your
1:00 own. This is called decisive speech.
1:02 Here's what that means. Clear, direct
1:05 statements, limited hedging, and using
1:08 few qualifiers or apologies. That's
1:10 really signaling, I am competent. Let's
1:12 say you want to talk to someone for a
1:13 few minutes. You're trying to get a few
1:15 seconds with them, a boss, a co-orker. I
1:17 brought this up last week, and what I
1:19 think we should do instead is probably
1:21 talk about this a little bit more, or we
1:22 could table it and talk about it later.
1:24 Can I steal a few minutes? Is now a good
1:28 time? Hey, hey, can we talk about that?
1:30 A good time for what? Why? Why do you
1:31 need to steal my minutes? Where are they
1:33 going? What you don't realize? Most
1:36 people sound like that. You instead will
1:38 sound something like this. I have a
1:39 problem that is leading to miss revenue.
1:42 Can we discuss no longer than 5 minutes
1:45 or I found a problem. I have a solution.
1:47 I need 30 seconds to get an okay for it.
1:51 The formula is what? What's wrong? Why
1:54 does the other person care? How long
1:56 will you bother them? The real issue
1:57 here is marketing. It's not moving fast
1:59 enough. We need to replace these two
2:02 hires. The budget is too low. If we do
2:04 these three things, work in 24-hour
2:06 cycles, spend 1 hour a day recruiting,
2:08 increase the budget, we will win. That
2:11 is how you get people to listen to you.
2:13 Warmth and competence. It's not how
2:15 smart, rich, or pretty you are. Respect
2:17 is about how fast you can signal I'm a
2:20 friend, which is trust and warmth. And
2:22 you can rely on me. Competence. The
2:23 faster you can signal those two things,
2:25 the more people like you and respect
2:27 you. I learned this from the number one
2:29 behavioral psychologist I know, Vanessa
2:31 Van Edwards. There are warmth cues that
2:34 means like smiling, nodding, for
2:37 instance. A fun one is the slow triple
2:41 nod, which is like this.
2:44 The other person speaks 67% longer.
2:47 That's because it is a nonverbal way to
2:49 say, "I hear you. I see you. Tell me
2:52 more." If instead you go, "Uh-huh."
2:55 Three fast shakes like that. What is
2:56 that signaling? Okay, moving along. I'm
2:58 ready to go. You're, you know, let's
2:59 keep talking to hear about something
3:03 else. You do three little nods, a pause,
3:06 and that signals, hey, I'm warm. I want
3:08 you to keep listening. Another warmth
3:12 cue is a head tilt. So, you could say, I
3:15 have some news. Straight shoulders, no
3:17 movement. I have some news. That is a
3:19 competent way to do it, but not warmth.
3:23 A warmth cue would be like, I have some
3:25 news. What are the two things that
3:27 change? Head tilt and a lift of the
3:30 shoulders. Now, more competence cues for
3:31 those of you who are listening, which is
3:32 probably the most important thing you
3:34 can do is confident posture. So, that's
3:37 standing tall, shoulders back, occupying
3:41 space shows certainty, credibility, not
3:43 hands below the table, hands in lap,
3:46 hands hidden. Instead, hands on the
3:47 table or in the microphone showing
3:50 straight up and shoulders back. Another
3:52 way to show competence, steepling of the fingers.
3:53 fingers.
3:55 Hm. I'm listening. I'm thinking about
3:57 that. What do we think we could do
3:58 there? It's not like this, though. That
4:01 looks creepy. This is a classic gesture.
4:04 What it basically means is, hey, I'm I'm
4:07 self assured. Next. Cut words, add
4:09 weight. You want to use fewer words, but
4:11 make them sharper. We'll double revenue
4:15 in 12 months. Okay, that is better than
4:17 we have a plan to increase revenue
4:19 significantly over the next year. Like,
4:23 what's significantly? win next year. We
4:25 want numbers, data, and credentials. So
4:28 when we mention certifications, awards,
4:30 supporting ideas with numbers, it
4:33 reinforces our expertise. So we don't
4:35 have to be better or smarter. The
4:37 numbers do that for us. Data plus
4:40 brevity signals confidence and it makes
4:42 every word carry weight, which commands
4:45 attention to us. So if I was a boss and
4:46 I said, "Tell me what you're going to do
4:49 about this problem." A bad example would
4:52 be something like, "Well, I think maybe
4:56 what we should do next is uh try, you
4:58 know, new hiring processes or maybe we
5:00 could talk to, you know, so- and so
5:01 about that person that they knew last
5:03 week." Um, you know, I'm not really
5:05 sure. Can I get back to you? Bad answer.
5:09 A good answer is pause.
5:10 My gut reaction, which allows you to
5:12 back out of it later if you find a
5:15 better reaction. My gut reaction is
5:18 first step, we go and we talk to this
5:21 person. Second step, we write down the
5:23 findings. Third step, we come back
5:26 together in 24 hours for an assessment
5:27 because I don't want to make too quick
5:31 of a decision. What do you think? Great.
5:33 You've basically non-committed just as
5:34 much as the other person has. But you
5:36 sound like you have authority even while
5:37 you're saying, "I don't know. I got to
5:38 talk to a couple of people. will
5:40 probably take me a day or two, right?
5:43 Instead, we're pausing, we're framing,
5:44 and we're saying we're going to regroup
5:46 at a date, time, and checking for
5:48 understanding. Speak like you want to be
5:50 heard. This falls into three categories.
5:54 I call it the get. Gestures, eyes, tone,
5:57 so you get heard. So, let's talk about
5:59 gestures first. Gestures need to be
6:02 precise. Using clear, purposeful hand
6:06 gestures like finger steepling indicates
6:08 deep thinking and self asssurance. So we
6:09 want to really use our hands in an
6:12 intelligent way. Authoritative vocal
6:14 tone, speaking with a lower pitch,
6:17 projecting the voice, avoiding filter
6:21 words like uh like signals competence
6:24 and competence. Narrowing your eyes
6:26 briefly signals I'm thinking about this.
6:28 I'm really focusing on what you're
6:30 saying. I've got active engagement and
6:34 analysis. A bad example of a tone,
6:37 especially for women, sounds like this.
6:39 Hi, my name is Cody. I'm really excited
6:42 to work here today. I have worked in
6:45 marketing for the past 10 years. What am
6:48 I doing there? Well, I'm getting an
6:50 uptick at the end of each sentence. Very
6:52 normal for women to do. Instead, what I
6:54 want to what would I want to do? Hi, my
6:56 name is Cody. I've been working in
6:58 marketing for the past 10 years. I'm
7:00 really excited about what we're going to
7:02 do here next. I can still smile. I can
7:06 still nod, but my tone is flat and a
7:08 little bit lower than normal. If you
7:10 hear me talk every single day, it
7:12 probably sounds like, "Hey, what's going
7:14 on? Hey guys, how are you?" Like, "God,
7:16 I'm so excited to see you. This podcast
7:17 is going to be so great." That's what I
7:19 normally sound like. When I'm trying to
7:20 be competent, I'm not going to be that.
7:22 I'm going to be one octave lower and I'm
7:24 going to be a little bit flatter. When
7:26 I'm talking to somebody I'm not trying
7:28 to be competent, my eyes are big.
7:29 They're like, "I'm curious. I want to
7:32 know more about that." This face does
7:34 not make you feel like I'm competent.
7:38 This face does. So, I am going to really
7:40 focus in. I'm almost going to picture a
7:42 pin prick of my attention going to that
7:44 other person. It's signaling I'm
7:45 listening, but you're going to have to
7:48 prove to me what you're talking about.
7:52 Next, master the pause. What to do after
7:55 delivering a key point? Stop talking.
7:57 This is where we let the silence work.
8:00 Why? Pauses, they create gravity. They
8:03 make your words echo longer and show
8:05 you're comfortable owning the room
8:09 without filling space.
8:12 Let's try. Let's say you have something
8:15 really hard to say to a group and you
8:17 need to say something like, "We're not
8:19 talking about the right things." I might
8:21 say something like, "I think we all know
8:25 we're not talking about what we need to
8:28 pause. Look around the room. get in
8:30 people's eyes. At this point, most
8:32 people keep talking because they're
8:33 worried that somebody is going to jump
8:36 in. You don't have enough competence or
8:39 authority for people to wait for you to
8:41 pause dramatically. So, how do you fake
8:43 that authority if you don't have it? You
8:46 go like this. I think we all know we are
8:48 not talking about the right thing. Put
8:50 up a finger. This is basically telling
8:53 them non-verbally to wait. And if you
8:56 see somebody jump in, you just push the
8:58 finger out a little bit more intensely.
9:02 This allows you to hold the frame. If
9:05 somebody starts to speak, you shake it a
9:08 little bit more formally. I when I do
9:10 this in my head, I like the count to
9:13 five as an example. So I think we all
9:14 know that we're not talking about what
9:18 we need to one two. Look around the
9:22 room. Three, four, five. Uncomfortable.
9:23 Then I give an example. Then I release
9:26 the finger and I keep going. Try this in
9:27 your next meeting. It will blow you away
9:29 by how much more people will actually
9:31 listen to what you have to say. Next.
9:33 Tell stories, not stats. Use a
9:36 narrative. We almost lost that company
9:39 because of one bad hire is much better
9:42 than well turnover rose by 12% last
9:45 year. Why? Humans follow stories, not
9:48 spreadsheets. Stories are sticky.
9:51 Numbers slide off. CEOs weave both. But
9:53 stories always lead. Historically, we
9:56 call this passing through parable. At my
9:57 companies, I have a saying which is show
9:59 me don't tell me. Which means that I
10:01 want to hear the story. I want to see
10:03 the data and I want it backed by
10:06 numbers. When you have those three, we
10:08 can get to solutions. But I don't just
10:10 want you to talk about it. I want you to
10:12 show me. Let's say you're trying to get
10:15 a friend to listen to you. You've talked
10:17 to this person a million times about
10:18 something that they should do
10:20 differently in their life and they have
10:22 never listened to you to date. I would
10:24 put a few in these into effect. Let me
10:26 tell you what a bad example sounds like.
10:28 Well, you've like dated this guy a few
10:30 times. Do you really think it's going to
10:32 go well if you keep dating him? Like
10:32 don't you think we've kind of like
10:34 learned our lesson here? Do we want to
10:36 really date him again? Like what what
10:38 are we doing? Right? That's like
10:40 questions. You're not very you're not
10:42 holding the frame. You're not pausing.
10:43 What would a good example look like?
10:47 Mary, I remember about six months ago
10:48 you called me in the middle of the night
10:51 crying. You were despondent. I could
10:53 barely understand what you were saying.
10:55 You really couldn't speak because you
10:58 were crying so hard. I thought maybe
11:00 somebody had died. But that was the
11:01 night that you called and told me that
11:04 he cheated on you and that you would
11:07 never speak to that man again. And now
11:09 here we are 6 months later when the
11:11 tears are dried and you're going back to
11:14 him. Do you feel the difference between
11:16 the two? One is like, "Yeah, well,
11:17 you've already done this again. Are we
11:18 going back?" Whatever. The second, you
11:21 will remember. So, take a moment and
11:23 become a storyteller. Over the past 90
11:25 days, we've grown by over 60,000
11:28 subscribers. Yay. Which is crazy. And
11:30 still, less than half of our viewers are
11:32 subscribed. So, if you could double
11:33 check your subscribe below, that would
11:35 be incredibly helpful for the show. You
11:38 truly are a big deal to me. Let's jump
11:40 back in. Next, use the three-point rule.
11:42 So, what to do? Frame everything in
11:45 threes. This one's super easy and super
11:47 powerful, so use it wisely. If I wanted
11:49 to get somebody to follow my framework
11:51 on something, I might say, "Here's the
11:54 opportunity, the risk, and the next
11:56 step." I don't even have to say 1 2 3. I
11:58 could just show it with my fingers. But
12:00 I know that it will frame my brain a
12:02 specific sequence that other people can
12:06 remember. Why? The brain loves patterns.
12:08 And we like patterns of three. You know,
12:11 the father, son, the holy ghost. Uh, it
12:13 feels complete, memorable, and
12:15 persuasive without overwhelming people.
12:17 Really easy to remember three, hard to
12:18 remember four, very difficult to
12:20 remember five. And if you probably
12:22 haven't noticed, I've been doing that a
12:24 lot in this video. Anytime you can
12:26 insert rules of three and what I call
12:29 named and framed segments, your speech
12:31 will be better. So, let's say, for
12:33 instance, somebody is doing something
12:36 really stupid and you want to tell them,
12:38 "Wow, that's so stupid." And there are
12:40 all these underlying reasons why that's
12:42 so stupid and we should never do that.
12:44 Instead, you might say, let's get to
12:48 first principles on this. Let's get to
12:50 foundational principles on what we're
12:52 talking about here. You're basically
12:53 saying, can we can we take a step back
12:55 to really see what's going on? Let's get
12:57 to second and third order effects, which
12:59 is a fancy way of saying, what are the
13:01 repercussions of the actions? If we do
13:03 that, what's going to happen next? I
13:05 believe that what's happening right now
13:08 is a lack of urgency bias. What you're
13:09 really saying is, I think you guys are
13:11 slow, like really slow. But because we
13:13 frame it in this fancier way, it's
13:16 harder to push back on. Next, command
13:18 the frame. Define the lens others see
13:21 the conversation through. Example,
13:24 somebody says something to you and
13:25 they're like, "We shouldn't spend that
13:28 money. I don't want to." Instead of
13:29 saying, "No, we should spend that money.
13:32 No, I disagree with you." You say, "This
13:35 isn't about money. It's about survival.
13:38 This isn't about cost. It's about
13:41 happiness. This isn't about money. It's
13:44 about our family. What are you doing?"
13:46 Well, whoever controls the frame
13:49 controls the debate. In communication,
13:50 this means not letting somebody else
13:52 take your frame. You never want to
13:54 respond with that. Not right. No, no,
13:56 we're not going to do it that way. I
13:59 didn't say that. Instead, you would say,
14:01 "That's a separate issue, Matt. Let's
14:03 focus on the core problem." What you're
14:06 basically saying is, "I don't want to
14:07 talk about that. Uh, I want to focus on
14:09 this other issue." H, but you're doing
14:11 it without ever having to debate and get
14:14 into the, "No, no, I disagree with you."
14:16 Which is really a childish way to try to
14:17 communicate. The last part of this
14:20 that's really important is the way you
14:23 communicate when we are framebreaking.
14:24 How people will not allow you to steal
14:27 their frame is when you fake it. So be
14:31 really careful about saying,
14:33 "Let's focus on the core problem, Matt.
14:35 It's not really that. This little side
14:37 smirk here, this is an immediate signal
14:39 of condescension. I don't like you. I
14:41 think you're dumb." Or, "Matt, that's
14:43 not really the core issue here. You know
14:45 what we're trying to do is something
14:47 else. This is a fake smile and it's
14:48 visceral. Like, do you guys feel it?
14:50 Like, I'm so happy that we're hanging
14:52 out." You're like, "No, you're not. You
14:53 hate me." Like you don't even have to
14:55 say anything. Instead, you need to
14:59 either turn it off or turn it on. Fake.
15:03 I'm so happy to be here. No, you're not.
15:06 I can tell. I'm so happy to be here. I
15:07 actually have no emotional difference
15:09 right now between the two. I'm just
15:11 committed to the bit, right? I'm so
15:12 happy to be here. And if you can't be
15:14 happy in the moment, then think about
15:15 something that makes you happy and
15:17 plaster that on your face instead. But
15:19 be really careful with the feelings of
15:21 condescension coming out on your face.
15:24 Next, project calm certainty. People
15:27 trust leaders who seem unshakable. I
15:29 find certainty to be contagious. Even if
15:31 you're still figuring things out behind
15:33 the scenes, be the duck gliding above
15:35 the water, even though underneath you
15:37 are paddling like a crazy
15:39 Now, this is very unpopular for the
15:40 internet, but I'm just going to tell you
15:43 the truth. There is no crying in
15:46 business. Do not cry in meetings when
15:48 things are going sideways. Do not
15:50 believe the influencers that tell you
15:53 that that's okay. Do not show weakness.
15:54 From an emotional deregulation
15:57 standpoint, it is not okay to cry. Now,
16:00 if somebody dies, if you hurt yourself,
16:02 perfectly fine. You know, if you if you
16:04 have something else in your life that
16:06 just hurts in that moment, okay, of
16:09 course. But you do not cry because you
16:11 are frustrated like a small child at
16:13 your inability to communicate properly
16:15 in work settings. You allow somebody
16:18 else to cry. You pass them the tissue.
16:20 You may you say, "Hey, no problem. Take
16:22 your time." But that's not you. Because
16:25 that is not a 1% move ever. Every single
16:27 leader that I have seen cry in business
16:31 is not a leader for very long. Business
16:34 does not allow for crying. You can hate
16:36 me on the internet for this, but your
16:38 bank account will love me. Next, name
16:40 the elephant. Call out the obvious thing
16:43 when no one wants to. So, if you're
16:45 sitting in a meeting like I often am,
16:47 and everybody's sort of talking around
16:49 the issue, right? There's this big hairy
16:52 elephant in the middle of your meeting
16:55 room. I want you to try out saying it, guys.
16:56 guys.
16:58 Are we not hitting our sales numbers
17:00 because our product isn't good enough
17:02 yet? That's phase one. We're saying it
17:04 as a question. We also use the word guys
17:06 as an opener. It's like, I'm not saying
17:09 it. It's a question. Guys means it's a
17:11 question we all have, isn't it? If you
17:12 have a stronger frame and more
17:14 authority, you can say, "We're not
17:16 hitting our numbers because our product
17:18 isn't good enough yet." Now, I did a
17:22 couple really subtle cues there. I look
17:26 to the side. I put up my shoulders. I
17:28 kind of I do a little, you know, all of
17:31 that is a stage two. And if you want the
17:32 highest frame, you would say, "We are
17:34 not hitting our numbers because our
17:36 product is not good enough yet."
17:39 Straight to frame, serious, no side.
17:42 Anytime you like lift up, side side
17:44 smirk, all of that warmth cue as opposed
17:47 to competence cue. Now leaders earn
17:49 respect by voicing uncomfortable truths.
17:51 It breaks tension and actually makes
17:52 people believe in you more than anyone
17:54 else in the room. You should really try
17:56 it in a room where everybody else is
17:59 doing the PC thing. If you can find that
18:01 there is a truth that nobody is talking
18:02 about. And especially if the truth maybe
18:05 is on you, that's the ultimate. Like,
18:06 you know what I think the real problem
18:08 is, guys? I think I made the wrong call
18:10 on this. We should have done this. We
18:12 did this instead. So, I'm going to have
18:13 this outcome. I'm going to take my
18:16 burden of this. What else should we have
18:18 done differently? If you are going to do
18:21 this one, you better be right. And two,
18:23 you need to find your ally who already
18:25 wants you to say the quiet part out
18:26 loud, but maybe is scared to do it or
18:28 really needs somebody else to do it.
18:30 This is also where power dynamics come
18:31 in. So, you're going to need to
18:33 understand who your allies are ahead of
18:35 time. Often in meetings, this means that
18:36 you talk about the meeting before the
18:39 meeting to game plan. Never feel bad at
18:42 thinking that top 1% communicators are
18:46 born with it. That's not true. We prep.
18:48 The way that you get to the top 1% is
18:51 you prep more than the other 99% do. And
18:54 finally, end with a command. Always
18:57 finish with a clear action. Here's what
19:00 happens next. By Friday, I want us to
19:03 decide this. Why? Influence without
19:06 direction, just noise. CEOs do not leave
19:08 conversations open-ended. They move
19:11 people to act. A little extra add-on for
19:15 you guys. Ask dangerous questions. Lots
19:17 of people ask safe questions. How's
19:19 everyone feeling about this? How was
19:21 your weekend? Instead, get a little
19:24 sharper. What's the one risk that could
19:26 kill this deal? Because real leaders
19:29 don't just talk, they provoke thought.
19:30 Questions like this make people take you
19:32 seriously because they can tell you want
19:36 the truths, not just to dodge. Sometimes
19:37 the most authoritative thing you can do
19:39 is say, "I don't know." But I think we
19:41 can find the answer to this question.
19:44 And if we do, we will find the answer to
19:47 everything. That is a hard question.
19:49 Also, if you don't know if you are
19:52 competent or warm-leaning, let me give
19:54 you a little piece of homework. Let's
19:56 say you can't tell if you're going to
19:58 become a top 1enter because you don't
20:00 know what you need to lean into more. Go
20:02 to your email. I learned this from
20:05 Vanessa. See how many warm verse cold
20:06 indicators you have. What does that
20:09 mean? In an email, look at the words.
20:11 Warm words are words that trigger
20:13 oxytocin, the happiness drug. So that's
20:15 like cheers, collaborate, learn, emojis,
20:17 thank yous, exclamation points, smiley
20:20 faces. Competent words are words like
20:23 achieve, mastery, results, outcomes,
20:26 data, charts, graphs. The truth is that
20:28 best leaders have both. They use warmth
20:30 and competence, and they use them like a
20:33 scalpel, not a sledgehammer. But almost
20:35 every person I've ever met has one side
20:37 more dialed than the other. If you guys
20:39 haven't noticed, I am high on
20:42 competence. I actually am pretty low on
20:44 warmth. I get serious, and when I'm
20:45 serious about things, I have a very
20:48 serious face. And so I I kind of am
20:49 thinking about things. I'm not smiling
20:52 so much. Um I need to work on my warmth
20:53 cues because people could be intimidated
20:56 by me or scared of me, which I've heard.
20:58 And so every single one of us is going
21:00 to be somewhere on this spectrum. The
21:03 top 1% is both aware and then they prepare.
