0:02 dark triads and romantic relationships.
0:04 This is really where the damage tends to
0:06 get done. And it's especially the case
0:09 that that women have in um who have
0:11 relationships with men who are dark
0:12 triads are the ones who have the most
0:14 horror stories. Why? Because men tend to
0:16 be dark triads more than women. And
0:19 they're they're most predatory toward
0:21 toward women that are looking for a
0:23 relationship and tend to get swept off
0:25 their feet. In relationships, they have
0:27 these characteristics. Let me give you
0:29 the five characteristics and then talk a
0:30 little bit more about what they look
0:32 like. Number one, they tend to be
0:35 extremely confident and outgoing. Here's
0:37 what dark triads are good at in romantic
0:40 relationships. Knowing what you want to
0:43 hear, let me back up. When you get into
0:44 a romantic relationship, whether you're
0:47 a man or a woman, what do you want? You
0:49 want somebody, if you're falling in
0:50 love, who's also falling in love with
0:53 you. What you don't want is somebody who
0:55 will never fall in love with you but act
0:57 like they will so they can get what they
0:59 want out of you. If it's a they want to
1:01 use you physically, if they want your
1:02 money, if they just want your
1:05 companionship, if they want your status,
1:06 whatever happens to be, you don't want
1:08 somebody to use you. You want somebody
1:10 who actually loves you. Dark triads are
1:12 really good at acting like they love
1:15 you, even though they don't. They're
1:17 confident and outgoing because they they
1:20 have skills in figuring out what you
1:22 want to hear as a matter of fact. And
1:25 and this is really bad especially for a
1:27 there's a syndrome that we that I've
1:29 written about in the past a little bit
1:32 called emoilia. I'll put I'll put
1:33 something I've written about that in the
1:34 show notes as well. And that's not
1:36 hemophilia. That's not with an H. That's
1:40 a blood disorder. Emoilia is em o p h i
1:43 l i a. Emoilia. And that is the tendency
1:46 to fall in love very very quickly to to
1:48 go through the stages of falling in love
1:49 and and and falling in love is a
1:51 neurochemical phenomenon that starts
1:54 with the with the stimulation of sex
1:56 hormones estrogen and testosterone. It
1:59 goes into uh neurom modulator activity
2:01 most notably dopamine and
2:02 neuradrenaline. So you get the feeling
2:05 of anticipation of reward and euphoria.
2:06 And then it goes into serotonin which
2:09 will make you kind of ruminate on the
2:10 other person. And all this is happening
2:13 within a period of weeks until you're
2:14 getting more of this oxytocin and vasop
2:17 prein released. Those are neuropeptides
2:19 that will bond you to the other person.
2:21 That takes time. Doesn't necessarily
2:23 take years. As a matter of fact, if it's
2:24 taking years, it means it's not
2:26 happening. But it certainly doesn't
2:29 happen in two days. And there are people
2:32 in the literature, a non-trivial number
2:33 of people, especially women, who go
2:36 very, very quickly through it. Dark tri,
2:38 if that's you, dark triads know who you
2:40 are. They know how to pray on you and
2:42 and that's a really scary thing because
2:44 they're going to say exactly what they
2:45 know you need to hear because they have
2:48 lots and lots of experience dealing with
2:51 emo Felix. So, you have to protect
2:52 yourself. Now, it's a good thing to know
2:54 that if you fall in love too quickly to
2:56 to how to protect yourself from that in
2:57 general, but especially when dark triads
2:59 come into the picture. So, number one,
3:02 they're outgoing and confident because
3:04 they know what you need to hear. Second,
3:06 they have a strong preference for
3:09 short-term mating. Okay, this is just
3:12 this is just, you know, how behavioral
3:14 scientists talk about hookup culture.
3:16 They want to hook up. They don't get
3:18 married or if they want to get married
3:21 is hugely incidental to the kind of
3:23 relationships that they typically have.
3:25 They're really, really good at figuring
3:27 out how to induce you, no matter who you
3:30 are, into a short-term relationship by
3:32 making you feel like you've been swept
3:34 off your feet so much. As a matter of
3:35 fact, they favor short-term
3:38 relationships so much because some would
3:40 say they're kind of incapable of falling
3:41 in love, which is the essence of a
3:44 long-term relationship that uh that
3:47 they're almost incapable as far as the
3:51 the the data have shown of being of
3:53 being faithful to their partners. They
3:55 cheat all the time. That's one of the
3:58 characteristics of of when when I say um
4:00 number two being strong preference for
4:02 short-term relationships that means
4:04 infidelity among other things. So they
4:06 go from person to person to person
4:08 unethically and they tend to be
4:10 unfaithful in a relationship that's
4:12 supposed to be monogous. This is a very
4:14 very strong trait in relationships of
4:16 dark triads.
4:18 They're extremely attractive. They're
4:20 extreme they're they're really really
4:22 good at coming off as extremely
4:24 attractive and once again especially to
4:26 women um because they know how to make
4:28 themselves extremely attractive. Look,
4:30 somebody who's who wants a a mutual
4:33 loving relationship has no incentive for
4:35 you to fall in love if they're not
4:37 falling in love. That's just a fact.
4:38 Somebody who wants you to fall in love
4:40 even though they're not, that's evidence
4:42 of a broken person. And so somebody
4:44 who's trying to do that on the basis of
4:46 superficial characteristics um that's
4:48 going to tend to be a dark tri as well.
4:51 Number four is that they they tend to
4:54 exaggerate their success status and
4:55 commitment. Once again this tends to be
4:57 a male characteristic. There's a
4:58 fantastic one of the great social
5:01 scientists of our time is David Bus at
5:02 the University of Texas at Austin who
5:05 does work on he he's really the leading
5:08 um um expert in in evolutionary
5:09 psychology. In other words,
5:11 understanding psychological patterns
5:13 with respect to our ancestral
5:14 environment. When people behave the way
5:18 they do, you can usually find a reason
5:21 in in in our ancestral environment. Why?
5:23 Because our brains are really formed in
5:26 in an environment that suited us to what
5:28 we were doing 250,000 years ago. Some
5:31 the place to scene. We haven't evolved
5:33 physically very much. Our our worlds
5:35 have evolved. So when we see weird
5:37 anomalous behavior in mating for
5:39 example, usually there's a reason for it
5:42 that goes back a long long time, one of
5:44 those things is that that when we're
5:46 looking at new potential mates for the
5:48 very first time that men tend to look
5:52 for cues of youth and fertility um and
5:54 women tend to look and again your
5:56 results may vary. I'm not being
5:58 dispositive about your situation. I'm
6:00 not this is not case closed. This is a
6:02 tendency that David Bus talks about in
6:04 the evolutionary psychology. Women tend
6:06 to look more at u because of the
6:07 investment that they have to make in in
6:10 family life and and raising children and
6:12 status and and and success and
6:15 commitment and resources. The result of
6:17 that is that dark triads, they tend to
6:19 when they're meeting somebody to
6:22 exaggerate those things. I'm more
6:23 successful than they really are, higher
6:26 status than they really have, more
6:27 committed than they really are going to
6:30 be, richer than they really are. What
6:31 are they trying to do? They're trying to
6:33 seduce you is the bottom line. Um,
6:36 typically that's the case. Again, they
6:38 specialize in saying and doing what you
6:41 want to hear, not what is authentic and honest.
6:43 honest.
6:46 They're con men and con women. Now, when
6:48 you have a relationship, a romantic
6:50 relationship with a dark triad, and the
6:52 breakup comes, and it inevitably does.
6:55 It's going to, you're probably not going
6:57 to change the dark triad. I have
6:59 literally never seen a case where
7:00 somebody falls in love with the dark
7:03 triad and saves the dark triad from her
7:06 or himself. When the when the breakup
7:09 comes, it's always ugly. You don't get
7:12 out nicely from a dark triad.
7:13 They're known for what they're what what
7:15 psychologists call cost escalation.
7:17 They're going to make you pay. That's
7:19 what they're going to do. Why? Because
7:21 they don't care how much they hurt you
7:22 and they feel no remorse. Look, if you
7:24 break up with a normal person and it's
7:26 hurtful and something bad happened, you
7:28 know that they're not trying to hurt you
7:30 per se
7:32 because they don't want to because they
7:33 have some love for you. They have some
7:35 tenderness for you. And besides, they
7:36 don't want to be a horrible person.
7:39 They're they they think of themselves as
7:40 somebody who's fundamentally ethical, at
7:42 least not a completely horrible human
7:44 being. But dark triads don't think that
7:47 way. That's the problem. They will cost
7:49 escalate and manipulate you and openly
7:52 confront you because they're mchavelian
7:54 and they have psychopathic psychopathic
7:56 tendencies. I'm willing to hurt you for
7:58 my interests and I don't feel any
8:01 empathy and I don't feel any remorse.
8:05 Okay, avoid those characteristics. Trust
8:07 me on this. This is how you protect
8:08 yourself. Let me give you the kind of
8:10 the the meta list of things to look out
8:12 for to detect a dark triad so that you
8:14 can protect yourself through avoidance
8:16 most importantly. Number one, self-importance.
8:18 self-importance.
8:19 I'm the most important person in the
8:21 world. When they when they when they
8:23 exhibit traits of self-importance, be
8:26 very wary. Second is a sense of
8:28 entitlement. Look, it's it's all about
8:30 me and and when when things aren't going
8:34 my way, they should be. Come on. Number
8:35 three is vanity. You know, the whole
8:38 idea the vanity of wanting wanting
8:41 everybody to look at them is uh and
8:43 again that can be as simple by the way
8:44 when you're going out with somebody for
8:45 the first time. Every time they go by a
8:47 car window they look at themselves.
8:48 That's a tell. I mean that doesn't mean
8:51 they're dark triad but at least your
8:53 your spider sense should be tingling
8:54 about that. Number four is a victim
8:57 mentality. Um people who are willing to
8:59 hurt other people are always suspicious
9:00 of the motives of others and they tend
9:02 to think that anything that goes wrong
9:03 for them it's because people had it out
9:05 for them. They tend to be paranoid. They
9:07 tend to be agrieved. They tend to act
9:09 like they're victims, which activists
9:11 always do, by the way, and so do
9:13 politicians, generally speaking. Not all
9:15 politicians, but a lot. Number five,
9:17 they tend to bend the truth or even
9:20 openly lie. Why? Because they don't care
9:21 if they're doing something that hurts
9:23 you, something that's damaging. Well,
9:24 they don't realize, of course, is
9:26 damaging to them because ultimately
9:27 people are going to figure it out.
9:30 Number six is manipuliveness. They they
9:32 want you to be bent to their will and
9:36 they will manipulate you with pretty um
9:38 with pretty untruthful means if
9:40 necessary. Number seven is grandiosity
9:42 because they're going to exaggerate.
9:43 They're going to exaggerate their
9:44 accomplishments. They're going to
9:46 exaggerate their past. They're going to
9:47 exaggerate their status. They're going
9:50 to exaggerate their ambition. Why?
9:52 Because they want to insinuate
9:53 themselves with you. They want to get
9:55 into your good graces as quickly as
9:57 possible. Not because they love you.
9:59 because they want you to love them.
10:02 Number eight is a lack of remorse when
10:04 they do things wrong, which is baffling
10:06 to normal people. It's so weird. I've
10:08 met people who they do something and I
10:10 and I think it's impossible that they
10:12 did that. I would never do that. Well,
10:13 it turns out that doesn't work when
10:15 you're working with a dark triad. And
10:17 number nine is an absence of empathy and
10:19 remorse. They don't care when they do
10:20 these things. Those are the nine
10:21 characteristics of when you're dealing
10:23 with a dark triad. And generally
10:24 speaking, if you have a long-term relationship,
10:26 relationship,
10:28 sorry, but you're going to see all these
10:29 things. One other thing that actually
10:31 shows up in the literature that's really
10:33 interesting that is a technique that
10:36 dark triads use when they get caught.
10:38 So, let's say that you're in a romantic
10:40 relationship with a dark triad. Uh,
10:43 terrible. You're going to probably find
10:45 this person is unfaithful to you
10:47 emotionally or physically as being
10:49 unfaithful to you. And and and when you
10:50 confront the dark triad, they have a
10:54 technique that's called Darvo. D A R V
10:57 O. That's an acronym. It means deny,
11:00 attack, and reverse victim and offender.
11:01 Number one is they lie and say they
11:03 didn't do it. Then they turn the whole
11:05 thing around and attack you. Then they
11:07 reverse the victim and offender by
11:09 saying you're the offender and they're
11:10 the victim. And so it goes something
11:14 like this. Um, no, no, I didn't I didn't
11:16 sleep with that person. No, I've been
11:18 completely faithful to you. Well, I I
11:19 got the receipts, man. I got the
11:21 receipts. I mean, it's like, what what
11:23 is this
11:26 Marriott bill, you know, in our city?
11:29 And it's like, oh, yeah, well, look,
11:30 it's really your fault because you've
11:32 been driving me away. So, the first one
11:33 is deny, and then when you can't
11:35 anymore, it's attack. And then they say,
11:37 and you know what? I'm pretty tired of
11:39 this line of questioning all the time
11:41 and the suspicion that we have. And
11:42 that's really what's been driving me
11:44 away. And it's been, you've been a
11:46 pretty terrible partner for a long time.
11:48 you know, I'm the person who really is
11:50 the victim here. So, if you start seeing
11:52 that, you know, you're the full-blown
11:55 dark triad and you've gone down the path
11:56 um to the point where they're actually
11:59 using Darvo on you. Um it's time to move
12:02 on. I don't see too many um exits
12:05 besides the big exit uh of the
12:07 relationship itself. I want to end on an
12:10 on a happier note and then I want to go
12:11 to some questions that you've written
12:13 in. The questions are great. Really
12:14 appreciate it. What should you look for
12:16 instead while you're trying to avoid the
12:18 dark triad? Scott Bry Kaufman, I talked
12:20 about him earlier, he talks about
12:23 something called the light triad. That's
12:25 the opposite of the dark triad. This is
12:28 somebody who has faith in humanity. They
12:30 trust others. Humanism, that's what
12:32 Scott Barry Kaufman talks about, you
12:34 know, believing in the dignity and the
12:36 worth of every individual. And and a
12:38 belief in that there's a universal moral
12:39 law. There's just right and wrong,
12:40 things you shouldn't do to anybody even
12:42 if you don't like them. Those three
12:44 things he finds actually are
12:46 characteristic of about 50% of the
12:48 population. And that's where you want to
12:50 look. Authentically good people. And how
12:53 do you know? Um there's a lot of work in
12:54 psychology on something called moral
12:56 elevation where when somebody has these
12:59 characteristics, you feel warm inside.
13:00 Not the kind of warm inside like I think
13:02 this person is falling in love with me
13:03 because it's a dark triad trying to
13:05 manipulate me, but but because that's
13:07 somebody I really morally admire. That's
13:09 kind of a tell on that. It's a it's a
13:11 it's a beautiful thing. and you've all
13:13 felt that. That's what to look for in a
13:16 colleague, in a friend, in a partner,
13:17 romantic partner. Those are the people
13:19 you should actually actually look for.
13:23 Look for that. A and when you do, they
13:26 might not be displaying all the things
13:28 that you want to see in the very first
13:30 moment you meet them. And the reason is
13:32 because they're trying to figure out if
13:34 they like you. And that's exactly what
13:36 you want to have a mutually beneficial,
13:38 mutually loving relationship. That's
