Effective conflict resolution hinges on prioritizing empathetic connection and understanding underlying needs before attempting to find solutions or educate.
now see it hasn't been easy for me to
give this
jackal empathy i was wanting to jump in
an educator but the way you're asking
for it jackal i think is going to make
it hard for people to give it to you see
i've wanted to say that almost every time
time
so i had to take a deep breath and
realize empathic connection
now is not the time to educate it the
way you're asking for it's going to make
it pretty hard for somebody without
super powered giraffe ears to hear your needs
question on that doesn't doesn't the
situation require some kind of resolution
resolution
or solution yes and almost
and the resolution the solution will
find us
when the connection is there
when she hears your needs
and you hear her needs without any
criticism and demand
solution will find you
the conflict will resolve itself it does
need to be resolved
but what most of us do we skip this
and go right to here
i sometimes do uh workshops
just with married couples or other
people living together in a love relationship
and what we do to begin the workshop we identify
identify
the couple who has had a conflict
the longest outstanding conflict that
and i make a prediction and it's right
my prediction has been accurate enough
in maybe i'm sure at least 75 percent of
the cases but my prediction is this
that we will resolve the conflict within
within 20 minutes from the point at which
which
both parties can tell me what the other
okay now one time we found a couple married
married
39 years 39 years had a conflict
had not been able to resolve this conflict
conflict
the wife said to me marshall i can tell
you right now we're not going to be able
to resolve this within
20 minutes we have a good marriage we
communicate well
but this is just one of those things
that we're different people and we just
have a conflict here
now i said let me correct one thing i
didn't say we're going to resolve it
within 20 minutes
i said within 20 minutes from the point
at which you can both tell me what the
other party is needing
oh she said marshall when you've been
married 39 years and you've talked about
i can tell you we understand each other
the problem isn't that we're just two
different people in this issue
well i said i've been wrong before i can
sure be wrong this time but let's see
we'll find out within 20 minutes so
first tell me what his needs are in this situation
he doesn't want me to spend any money
he responds immediately that's ridiculous
ridiculous
now first of all doesn't want me to
spend any money is not a need
see needs and strategies need to be separated
separated
they had been talking about how much
money she could spend and not spend
but the more important issue there was
whether see
whether who takes care of the checkbook
he unilaterally controlled the checkbook
which was really the main issue between them
them
see but that's i'm saying i don't even
want the couple to talk about the
strategies or the solutions
until the connection is there when the
connection is there
the conflicts usually resolve themselves
so i pointed out to her no that's not a
need and even if it was notice he's
saying that's not accurate
but she said okay let me then tell you
what his needs are marshall
you see he's just like his own father
they both have a depression mentality
when it comes to money i always said
stop stop
now i'm hearing psychoanalytic jackal you
you know now it's going to take another
39 years if you get into that
no i'm not asking for an analysis of his
personality i'm saying what are his needs
needs
she didn't know after 39 years she had
no awareness consciousness of his needs
so i said to him okay well she doesn't
know why don't you tell her
well marshall let me tell you what her
needs are you see she's a lovely woman
lovely woman a wonderful mother a
wonderful wife
but when it comes to money she's totally irresponsible
