0:02 Alrighty, chat. It's that time of year
0:06 where maybe you've failed at your New
0:08 Year's resolution. So, when the new year
0:09 rolls around, everyone makes
0:11 resolutions. And if you look at the
0:13 science of behavioral change, we run
0:14 into something really, really scary,
0:17 which is that the way that we make New
0:20 Year's resolutions actually runs
0:23 contrary to what the science shows us
0:26 works for sustained behavioral change.
0:28 It's almost like New Year's resolutions
0:30 tend to shoot us in the foot. So to
0:31 begin with, let's start with a couple of
0:34 basic statistics. 77% of people stick
0:36 with a New Year's resolution for about 1
0:39 week. Okay? So 23% of people don't even
0:42 last a week. About 50% of people fail at
0:46 the 1 month mark. And only about 20% of
0:49 people make it after 1 year or about 2
0:52 years. Which means that 80% of people
0:54 ultimately fail in their New Year's
0:57 resolution. What do we know about the
0:59 people who succeed? It turns out that
1:00 the way that we make New Year's
1:03 resolutions may actually sabotage us
1:05 from succeeding in the first place. So,
1:08 here's the first big mistake that people
1:10 make. They decide to do it with a
1:12 friend. So, this is the way that this
1:14 kind of thinking goes. Hey, I have
1:16 trouble sticking with things. You know
1:20 what would be great is if I rope in one
1:22 of my friends and we decide to do it
1:24 together. I'm gonna find an
1:27 accountability partner. So, here's the
1:29 subtle psychology that makes that really
1:32 hard. Why do you find an accountability
1:34 partner? Because you can't do it
1:36 yourself. And if I'm finding an
1:39 accountability partner to keep me
1:42 accountable mentally, where is my
1:44 responsibility for my own
1:48 accountability? I'm outsourcing my
1:51 accountability to a friend. And what we
1:53 actually see in New Year's resolutions,
1:54 it's kind of like this. This is the
1:56 analogy that I sort of like. Imagine I
1:58 have two bales of hay that are leaning
2:00 against each other, right? So if I take
2:02 two pieces of wood or two bales of hay
2:03 and I lean them against each other, they
2:05 both stand as long as they're both
2:08 standing. The problem is that if a
2:10 single one falls, then the other one
2:12 falls too. And what we see very
2:14 practically, and I see this all the time
2:16 in addiction psychiatry with sobriety
2:19 packs, is like me and my girlfriend, we
2:22 both use opiates and we're both going to
2:24 get sober together. That sounds great
2:26 and sometimes it works, right? Maybe 19%
2:29 of the time with New Year's resolutions,
2:30 but the real problem is that if one
2:32 person fails, the other person fails
2:35 with them. Not only are you outsourcing
2:36 your accountability, you are opening
2:39 yourself up to be dragged down by your
2:42 accountability partner. So the research
2:44 actually shows that working with someone
2:47 having a partner doesn't show any
2:50 benefit until after 6 months. And this
2:51 is sort of an interesting kind of
2:53 statistic that we can kind of tunnel
2:55 down more into. The way that I
2:58 understand it is that if the two of you
3:01 don't screw up for 6 months, then the
3:03 two of you can support each other after
3:05 that. But the first six months is
3:07 actually where we see the largest drop
3:09 off in sticking with New Year's
3:11 resolutions to begin with. Just because
3:12 having an accountability partner doesn't
3:15 work doesn't mean that support isn't
3:16 useful. Here's a really interesting
3:18 study that compared three groups of
3:21 people. One group that has no support,
3:23 one group that has limited support, and
3:26 one group that has extensive support.
3:28 The really crazy thing is that the group
3:31 with no support and the group with a ton
3:33 of support actually have the same
3:36 failure rates. The best group is the one
3:38 with moderate support. Now, why does
3:41 this happen? I think it once again comes
3:42 down to the psychology of
3:45 accountability. When you have someone
3:46 who's working with you, supporting you
3:49 for 12 months, you start to become
3:52 dependent on that person and it ends up
3:55 the the the benefit of that extended
3:58 support essentially washes out, right?
4:00 So, at what point do you go from getting
4:03 supported to becoming dependent? There's
4:05 another really great study that sort of
4:06 tunnels down into this point because I
4:08 think the point of support is a little
4:10 bit complicated. There's another study
4:12 that really tunnels down into the best
4:14 way to provide support. Okay. So, when
4:16 you have people who are non-resolvers,
4:18 these are people who have failed to
4:20 follow their New Year's resolution, it
4:23 turns out that periodic telephone calls
4:25 may facilitate people from progressing
4:28 from thinking about doing something to
4:30 actually doing something about it. And
4:32 here's what's really fascinating. This
4:35 study found that 54%
4:38 of their initial pool of non-resolvers
4:41 move from contemplation to action within
4:43 4 weeks. Right? Right? So within 1 month
4:46 54% of people who are not resolved to do
4:48 anything moved to actually doing
4:51 something within 4 weeks with simply
4:53 three telephone calls. When I designed
4:55 our coaching program, it was precisely
4:57 along these guidelines. It was looking
4:59 at the research and understanding that
5:02 people don't need help for 12 months. In
5:05 fact, helping you for 12 months making
5:06 you dependent on your coach isn't
5:09 actually helpful. It can become harmful.
5:12 Instead, a time-limited weekly
5:15 intervention that supports your forward
5:18 momentum, but doesn't make you dependent
5:20 is what actually leads to the highest
5:22 amount of behavioral change. Second big
5:23 thing that people with New Year's
5:26 resolutions miss. Failure is on the path
5:29 to success. So, one study found that for
5:31 people who stuck with something for 2
5:34 years, they failed an average of 14
5:36 times. So, one of the biggest mistakes
5:38 that we see in people who make New
5:40 Year's resolutions is not that they
5:43 screw up, it's that they throw in the
5:46 towel when they screw up. So, if you
5:49 were trying to make a behavioral change,
5:52 give yourself 14 chances before giving
5:55 up. That's what the data actually shows.
5:57 Now, there's a subtle bit of psychology
5:58 there where if you sort of tell
6:00 yourself, "Oh my god, like if I have
6:02 patients who are addicted to heroin and
6:05 they're like, oh, Dr. Okay, are you
6:07 telling me that I can relapse 14 times?
6:10 Like, oh, I've got 14 misses. Okay, well
6:13 then I've got 14 options. Let me go on a
6:14 bender this weekend. I'll get my
6:16 together next week. And then, oh, I've
6:18 got 13 left. Let me go on a bender again
6:21 this week. Right. Oh, and oh, Dr. K, by
6:22 the way, you said I can screw up 14
6:24 times, right? So, if I'm going on a
6:27 bender for one weekend, what's the
6:28 difference between one weekend and one
6:30 week? Right? It still counts as one. So
6:32 you have to be a little bit careful
6:35 about the way that your mind will take
6:37 this information and sort of say, "Okay,
6:39 that means I get to screw up." That's
6:41 not what I'm intending to tell you. What
6:43 the data actually shows is that the
6:46 process of behavioral change is fraught
6:49 with missteps. That it's the people who
6:52 stick with it over time. Those are the
6:54 people that really succeed. So don't
6:56 give up. And even if you screw up once,
6:58 twice, three times, four times, five
6:59 times, six times, seven times, eight
7:01 times, nine times, 10 times, stick with
7:02 it. That's the point of sharing this bit
7:04 of data. So now we come to the mediest
7:06 part of the research, which is what is
7:08 the difference between the 19% of people
7:12 who stick with it and the 81% of people
7:15 who don't stick with it. So the first is
7:18 that people who stick with it prepare to
7:21 make a change. They don't spontaneously
7:22 make a change. So, [clears throat] it's
7:25 not like you wake up on December 31st
7:27 and you're like, "Oh tomorrow is
7:29 New Year's. Time to make a resolution."
7:32 The people who make a change, think
7:34 about it ahead of time. And this is the
7:37 key thing. They are ready to make a
7:38 change. So, there's another bit of data
7:40 here which is really interesting. The
7:45 desire to make a change has no bearing
7:48 on your success to make a change. So,
7:50 wanting something, this is insane, I
7:53 know, but wanting a New Year's
7:55 resolution really bad or wanting to do
7:58 something, I really, really want to get
8:00 in shape actually does not affect your
8:03 chances of success. The question is, are
8:06 you ready to get into shape? So, the way
8:08 that this looks in addiction psychiatry
8:11 is we'll often times designate a quit
8:13 date. We're not quitting today. Some
8:15 people will go turkey. Addiction science
8:16 gets a little bit more complicated
8:17 because there's different stuff going on
8:20 in the brain. But generally speaking,
8:23 setting up a time ahead of time,
8:25 designating a quit date correlates with
8:27 success with sobriety. So what you
8:29 really need to do is think about it
8:30 ahead of time and then really ask
8:34 yourself, am I ready to pay the price to
8:37 make this change? People who focus on
8:39 that are more likely to succeed. Second
8:40 thing that is really, really, really
8:43 important is a belief in self-efficacy.
8:46 So once again, it's not how much you
8:48 want something. It is your belief and
8:53 whether you are capable of achieving it.
8:55 This is critical for success in
8:57 behavioral change. So this is where
8:58 things get a little bit tricky because
9:00 often times in New Year's resolutions,
9:03 we want to make changes that we want a
9:05 lot, but we actually don't have the
9:06 faith in ourselves to achieve. So I want
9:08 to get a six-pack by the summer. Turns
9:10 out that this is actually sabotaging
9:12 you. So take a step back from what you
9:14 want. Now the way that we want to do
9:17 this successfully is by using something
9:18 called a smart goal. This is a really
9:21 really simple framework, arguably
9:23 evidence-based, but it's not super
9:24 evidence-based, but I find it to be
9:26 really helpful. So a smart goal should
9:29 be specific, it should be measurable, it
9:31 should be attainable, it should be
9:33 relevant, and it should be time bound.
9:35 So let's go through this and show you
9:37 all examples of what works and what
9:40 doesn't work. I want to get in shape.
9:42 that is neither specific nor measurable,
9:45 right? Instead, what we want to do is
9:46 focus on things that we can actually
9:50 measure. I want to go to the gym three
9:53 times a week for 1 month. I want to go
9:55 to the gym three times a week for 2
9:58 months. I want to stop eating after 10
9:59 p.m. Right? So, these are things that
10:01 are specific that you can actually
10:03 measure. It becomes very clear whether
10:05 you are achieving it or not achieving
10:07 it. And then we get to attainable, which
10:10 leans into self-efficacy. So, in order
10:13 for you to access self-efficacy, it has
10:15 to be something that you believe you can
10:17 do. So, does three times a week sound
10:19 like you can really do that? Instead,
10:22 what can be far more successful is for
10:25 you to scale back your goal to let me go
10:28 to the gym once a week, right? Focus on
10:30 things that you can actually succeed in.
10:31 And the reason for that is that this is
10:33 where we get to some more interesting
10:35 psychology. When we look at people who
10:38 fail at their goals, often times they
10:40 fall short. They experience a lot of
10:43 negative emotions. They start to be
10:46 overly self-reflective. So, this is
10:47 what's really interesting is that
10:49 there's a certain amount of
10:50 self-reflection that you need, but if
10:54 you get too stuck in your head to try to
10:56 solve the problem instead of actually
10:59 just doing the thing, that correlates
11:01 with a greater level of failure. So, we
11:04 want things that are attainable. Next
11:05 thing is we want things to be relevant.
11:07 So it has to be like relevant to you
11:09 here and now. There should be some the
11:11 way that I sort of think about it is
11:12 when I'm working with a a coaching
11:14 client, one question that I'll ask is
11:15 I'll ask them, okay, what's your goal
11:17 for today's session? And they'll say, my
11:18 goal is to figure out what I'm going to
11:20 do in my relationship. And then I say,
11:22 okay, fine. Then the next question that
11:23 I ask, which is really, really
11:25 important, is why is this goal relevant
11:28 for you to solve today? something about
11:31 asking that question, making it relevant
11:34 to you here and now shapes your
11:37 motivational circuitry in a positive way
11:39 because goals that we have that are not
11:41 relevant to us here and now. These goals
11:44 like oh I want to like write a book one
11:46 day. The problem is when that goal is
11:48 very far away. If I have a goal that
11:51 takes 5 years to do, what's the harm in
11:53 delaying a week? There's 274 weeks left
11:56 to finish. Like I can absolutely delay.
11:58 So make it relevant to the here and now.
12:01 And the last thing is make it timebound.
12:02 So this is where we get to another
12:04 principle of behavioral change which is
12:06 not focusing on how much you want
12:08 something but focusing on
12:12 implementation. So when, where, and how.
12:13 Those are the questions that you need to
12:15 ask yourself for a New Year's
12:17 resolution. So it's not just I want to
12:20 go to the gym once a week. On what day
12:21 are you going to go? Are you going to go
12:23 in the morning? Are you going to go when
12:24 you're coming back from work? when,
12:26 where, and how are you going to
12:28 accomplish the thing? The last point is
12:31 that the goal that you're choosing may
12:33 actually sabotage you. So, we know that
12:35 there are two kinds of goals. There are
12:38 approachoriented goals and there are
12:40 avoidance goals. So, this is a little
12:42 bit different from once again addiction
12:43 psychiatry because in addiction
12:45 psychiatry sometimes the goal is more
12:47 avoidant. But what we know from the
12:49 science of behavioral change is that we
12:51 basically want to choose approach goals.
12:53 And a lot of times in New Year's
12:55 resolutions, we pick avoidance goals. So
12:57 what's the difference? It's basically,
13:00 are you moving towards something or are
13:02 you moving away from something? So
13:04 here's an example of an avoidance goal.
13:06 I want to stop eating fried food. I want
13:09 to cut out sugar. I want to stop doing
13:11 this. Avoid doing this. I want to stop
13:13 feeling a particular way. I'm not going
13:15 to feel anxious anymore. I'm going to
13:17 stop being lonely. I'm going to stop
13:19 being a shut in. So these are avoidance
13:21 goals where you're basically moving away
13:24 from something. An approach goal is when
13:26 you are moving towards something. So an
13:28 approach goal is I want to go to the gym
13:30 once a week. I want to make a point to
13:33 socialize for lunch once a week. So one
13:35 goal that I had when I was a freshman in
13:37 college and I didn't know anyone is I
13:39 had a goal where I was not going to have
13:42 lunch with the same person more than
13:44 once a week. So this ensured that I was
13:46 meeting lots of different people,
13:48 distributing my time, not putting all my
13:50 eggs in one basket. So an approach goal
13:52 is moving towards something. Now, why is
13:54 this important? The psychology behind
13:56 this is fascinating. We're not 100% sure
13:57 about this, but this is what I've seen
13:59 just working with people for the last 11
14:01 years. Okay, an avoidance goal is
14:04 stimulated by a negative emotion. So if
14:05 I say, "Okay, I'm not going to be
14:07 lonely. I'm not going to be a shutin.
14:09 I'm going to leave the house." It may
14:11 sound like it's an approach goal, but
14:12 it's actually an avoidance goal. So
14:14 here's the problem. That goal is
14:16 motivated by a negative emotion. Which
14:19 means as the loneliness rises, it
14:21 crosses a certain threshold and then I
14:23 act. Then what happens is once I leave
14:25 the house, then my loneliness decreases
14:27 and then my motivation disappears. And
14:29 if my motivation disappears, I slide
14:31 back towards the house. Okay, this is
14:33 the problem with avoidance goals is that
14:37 they basically trigger action only when
14:39 you're failing at the goal. And when you
14:42 succeed, now the driver that motivates
14:44 you is gone and then you don't do it
14:45 anymore. Right? So, oh, thank God I left
14:48 the house. Now I'm no longer lonely. And
14:50 so you kind of slide back towards being
14:52 at the house. Approach goals are the
14:54 opposite. When you succeed in an
14:56 approach goal, it's not moving from 100
14:58 to zero, which is what a lot of
14:59 avoidance goals are, right? So, I'm
15:01 trying to get rid of something bad. And
15:03 once I get rid of something bad, then
15:05 I'm just sitting at neutral. approach
15:06 goals are different because I'm moving
15:10 from zero to 100. I am actively doing
15:12 something. I'm going to the gym. I chose
15:14 to go to the gym. It's not about losing
15:17 weight. It's about becoming stronger.
15:19 Okay? It's about exercising more,
15:21 improving my health because when I
15:25 achieve that thing that is rewarding.
15:27 Now I'm trying to do something that
15:30 gives me a reward and when I get a
15:32 reward that will reinforce the behavior.
15:35 And literally what we see is that people
15:38 who select approach goals, this is all
15:40 about the selection of what you're
15:42 doing, are more successful at sticking
15:45 with it than avoidance goals. We all
15:47 want to make changes in our life and you
15:49 should understand the science behind
15:51 behavioral change to optimize your
15:54 chances for success. And one of the best
15:56 things that you can do if you can't
15:58 manage it on your own or if you want to
16:00 increase your chances of success is work
16:02 with someone else. And that's exactly
16:24 You
