0:02 how can somebody escape the victim
0:04 mindset well so if I was talking to a
0:06 person like that I would say first of
0:08 all I get it cuz I've been to that place
0:10 myself I mean I've had moments when I
0:11 didn't think life was worth living and I
0:14 imagined my own suicide never that I
0:16 planned it or I was going to do it but I
0:18 kind of fantasized it you know I've been
0:20 to those places so I get it secondly I
0:22 would say I feel that the world's
0:24 against me that's not a feeling it's a
0:27 belief okay if you have that belief it's
0:29 because at some point you had that
0:31 experience but you're not having that
0:34 experience right now that experience was
0:35 that of a child who was helpless and
0:38 alone so what showing up in your belief
0:42 system is not your present situation but
0:45 your childhood emotional experience and
0:47 like I said before in the present we can
0:49 heal no matter what happened then we can
0:51 heal in the present so the first thing I
0:53 would ask a person like that is are you
0:56 willing to consider that healing is
0:58 possible for you or have you totally
1:00 given up by the way
1:02 a person who's totally given up wouldn't
1:04 be telling you this because when people
1:07 talk this way whether they know it or
1:08 not they're asking for help if they
1:09 weren't asking for help they wouldn't
1:11 say anything they just slink off of
1:14 their own and isolate themselves and as
1:16 some people do so anybody who speaks the
1:19 way that you just cited is already
1:20 whether they know it or not they're
1:22 looking for help and if that's the case
1:24 then they can be helped and so that's
1:26 the second point is don't try and solve
1:28 this on your own we're human beings
1:29 we're creatures that evolved in
1:31 connection and Community you're not
1:34 alone with this it may feel like you're
1:35 alone and you certainly might feel
1:38 lonely but you're not in fact alone
1:40 Millions feel exactly the same way and
1:43 they're not crazy and you're not crazy
1:46 those beliefs and feelings are normal
1:48 responses to abnormal
1:51 circumstances so that's how I begin
1:53 working with the people with a person
1:56 with that mindset and I guess to take
1:58 this one step further you know I've
1:59 heard you talk about like that one of
2:02 the main problems with society today is
2:03 that a lot of people who have mental
2:05 health struggles and they're struggling
2:06 with situations like this where they
2:08 feel stuck and they can't get out of
2:10 their own way at times they feel like
2:12 people are against them they're dealing
2:14 with trauma and then they you know they
2:17 might go see somebody who's not trained
2:19 in trauma they don't have the experience
2:21 like how can somebody begin to take that
2:23 path and make sure that they're finding
2:25 somebody that is like you know trained
2:27 in that and then also that they're able
2:30 to self-regulate themselves when needed
2:33 well that's a huge question because
2:34 unfortunately look I've been through
2:36 medical training I'm a physician and uh
2:39 the average physician never hears any of
2:40 the stuff I just talked about the
2:42 average psychiatrist doesn't get any
2:45 training in trauma not in they learned
2:47 something with PTSD which is a specific
2:49 form of trauma but they learn they don't
2:51 learn about the traumatic basis of
2:54 depression and anxiety and ADHD and they
2:57 they learn nothing about it so that it's
2:58 very difficult to find good help within
3:00 the medical system
3:02 now many therapists also don't get any
3:03 such training there's a lot of
3:05 therapists that are designed only to
3:07 change your beliefs and your behaviors
3:09 but not to address the fundamental
3:12 reasons for those behaviors so a lot of
3:15 psychologists trained in CBT cognitive
3:17 behavioral therapy or dialectical
3:19 behavioral therapy a lot of them are not
3:22 really and I know this believe me I know
3:23 this they just don't know much about or
3:25 anything about trauma then they can't
3:27 help you with the fundamental wound that
3:28 you're carrying they can help you with
3:30 the manifestation
3:33 and that's not that's not useless but
3:36 they can't help you heal at your core so
3:39 then there are therapies that are deeper
3:41 than that there is um body based
3:44 therapies such as somatic
3:46 experiencing developed by my friend and
3:49 teacher Peter Dr Peter LaVine there's
3:52 sensory motor Psychotherapy developed by
3:55 P Ogden there's EMDR that works for some
3:58 people there's internal family systems
4:02 or IFS devel my friend and colleague Dr
4:04 Richard Schwarz this compassionate
4:07 inquiry which is based on my work and I
4:10 train therapists in that method there
4:12 are others other names I could mention
4:15 there's Larry heler Lawrence heler in
4:17 his work and his students so what you
4:19 have to look for is somebody who's
4:20 trauma informed and is willing to work
4:23 with you not just on your behaviors but
4:25 on your core wounds of which the
4:28 behaviors are symptoms yeah thanks for
4:30 bringing that up because like my own
4:32 experience I mean I've struggled off and
4:34 on with my mental health over the years
4:35 I mean I've told you a bit about my
4:37 story in our last conversation and you
4:39 know when I would go there wasn't like a
4:42 lot of talk about my childhood there was
4:44 it was just like all right you're having
4:46 some anxiety cool like here's a pill and
4:48 then I would just take it and I would
4:49 just think okay this is going to cure my
4:50 anxiety and then I would realize like
4:52 it's not really I'm still getting
4:54 anxiety I'm still struggling like what's
4:56 going on with this and it wasn't until I
4:58 understood like my past and my trauma
4:59 and how that was all related related to
5:01 what I was experiencing in the present
5:03 that things were able to change and so
5:05 let's just say that that somebody has
5:06 now they found somebody they're
5:08 comfortable with that's helping them
5:10 heal their trauma and change their
5:12 present and their current behaviors and
5:14 patterns and that sort of thing and then
5:16 they go down weeks down the road months
5:18 down the road and they're on the up and
5:20 up but get triggered or they experience
5:21 a situation where they're like oh my
5:23 gosh like I thought I was getting better
5:25 why is this coming up what's your advice
5:27 to people who are dealing with triggers
5:29 when they're on the road to uh recovery
5:31 from trauma well there's two ways to ask
5:34 that question that you just raised why
5:36 is this coming up is that a question
5:38 what is it actually what is this
5:41 teaching me no when you say why is this
5:42 coming up like that that's not a
5:45 question it's a statement it's a
5:47 statement that says this shouldn't be
5:49 happening to me okay now you ain't going
5:51 to learn anything that way but if you
5:54 actually ask it hm I wonder why this is
5:56 coming up no you can learn something if
5:58 I came to you and said why are you doing
6:01 this how would that feel to you I get
6:02 probably get defensive and I would just
6:05 feel like a little ashamed exactly but
6:07 what if I said hm I wonder why you doing
6:10 this it would force me to think a little
6:12 bit and practice the pause and say well
6:13 I don't know if it would force you but
6:15 at least it would invite you right right
6:18 right right yeah now so that's the first
6:20 point is is how should we ask this
6:21 question it's a good question but we
6:24 have to ask it as a question not as a
6:26 statement of resentment or resistance
6:28 that's the first point the second point
6:31 is use the word trigger really great
6:34 word now if I showed you a rifle with a
6:36 trigger how big a part of the rifle is
6:39 the trigger it's very small very small
6:41 for that trigger to set off anything
6:42 that what there has to be there has to
6:45 be a mechanism to deliver ammunition
6:46 there has to be ammunition there has to
6:48 be an explosive charge when I get
6:50 triggered let's say you say something to
6:54 me and I get triggered what you say it
6:56 was a very small little thing I'm the
6:58 one who's got the explosive charge and
7:00 the ammunition
7:02 you didn't cause me to do that if I
7:03 didn't have that ammunition and
7:05 explosive charge you could say whatever
7:07 you want and I just sit here saying hm I
7:09 wonder why he's saying that you know so
7:12 triggering is a great opportunity to
7:14 learn when you get triggered you could
7:17 either focus on resent and resist the
7:20 trigger or you could say huh what was I
7:22 still carrying inside that I haven't
7:23 looked at yet that I haven't resolved
7:26 yet so if you know I used to tell the
7:29 story you know being married to 50 years
7:33 now my wife and I so let's say 20 years
7:35 ago um I might ask to sleep with her and
7:37 she would say no you know which is
7:39 nobody can ever believe that that ever
7:40 happened but it did used to happen you
7:43 know and how would I respond I would
7:47 respond by going to a rage and curling
7:49 into a fetal position and not even
7:53 wanting to live okay now the trigger is
7:56 the no that she said the explosive is my
7:57 belief that I'm being rejected and
7:59 Abandoned and not wanted and that I'm an
8:01 infant and helpless which is what
8:06 happened to me otherwise if she says no
8:09 oh I can get curious are you tired or
8:12 have I done something to turn you off or
8:13 is there something youone we can talk
8:15 about or I can just be disappointed and
8:18 let go of it and say okay well thanks
8:20 you know there'll be another day so how
8:22 I respond is not dependent on the
8:25 external event is dependent on what
8:28 charge I'm carrying so triggers are
8:31 wonderful times to learn about yourself
8:33 so if you ask a question not why did I
8:37 react that way but huh I wonder why I
8:39 reacted that way now there's a whole lot
8:41 of learning to be done so that's what I
8:43 call Compassionate curiosity where we
8:45 actually curious about ourselves but not
8:48 in a self- judgmental way but in a
8:51 compassionate way oh this brought up the
8:54 pain of rejection obviously I'm still
8:57 carrying that that wound well let's look
8:59 at that cuz it's not happening in the
9:01 present I'm glad you brought that up and
9:03 that we have to change the language and
9:05 how we talk to ourselves during those
9:07 moments because for me personally I'm
9:09 extremely hard on myself so that like
9:11 voice that you were saying like you know
9:12 like why is this happening or why is it
9:14 doing this to me like that's something
9:16 that I've said in my life very very
9:18 frequently because of the fact that I'm
9:20 really hard on myself I sometimes when
9:24 something doesn't go my way or when I
9:25 get triggered or bothered by something
9:27 even though I've done a lot of work on
9:29 myself I'm I'm so hard on myself because
9:31 I'm like gosh like I'm better than this
9:32 I know I should be doing better than
9:34 this so that was really eye opening for
9:37 me so thanks for sharing that well and
9:39 you know that voice in your head that
9:41 tells you all that stuff in this book I
9:43 actually talk about getting into a
9:44 relationship with that voice because
9:46 this is what I call a stupid friend you
9:49 know because at some point that voice
9:52 came along when you were quite small see
9:53 if you were suffering as a kid or things
9:55 weren't going well there's two
9:57 assumption the child could make
10:00 unconsciously what one is the world is
10:02 dangerous my parents don't know how to
10:04 love me value me I can't trust anybody
10:07 I'm all alone I'm going to suffer in
10:09 this world the other belief
10:11 unconsciously is there's something wrong
10:14 with me and maybe if I work hard enough
10:16 I can fix it now which belief is more
10:18 protective for the child do you think
10:20 the second one is more protective
10:23 exactly so it came along as kind of a
10:26 friend to keep you going it's a friend I
10:27 say it's a stupid friend the reason I'm
10:29 joking when I call it stupid but the
10:31 stupidity comes in cuz it doesn't learn
10:33 that you're no longer that child it
10:35 keeps giving you the same message so my
10:37 suggestion Doug is next time you hear
10:39 that voice say hello to it and say thank
10:41 you you know what because ask yourself
10:43 how old is that voice I mean what how
10:44 old were you when it first came along I
10:46 mean I was young because I remember
10:48 there was this idea that I developed
10:51 about myself from when I was a child
10:52 that I wasn't good enough because I
10:55 wasn't picked for sports teams I got
10:57 yelled at a lot so give me an age five
10:59 six seven yeah I mean I would say I was
11:01 in elementary school I think but let's
11:03 call him a seven-year-old this voice is
11:06 a seven-year-old kid telling you a story
11:09 so say hi to it hello I got it you're
11:12 still working to make me better in this
11:13 world but you know what relax kid I can
11:15 take care of it now you know it it's
11:17 this just a little immature little
11:19 friend that's all it is it didn't come
11:21 along to torment you it came along to
11:23 actually protect you right and I think
11:24 you're right it's so important to have a
11:26 conversation with that voice and then
11:30 also change the conversation with that
11:31 and then along the lines of like you
11:34 know childhood one of the things that my
11:35 audience wanted me to talk to you about
11:38 more in depth is is like parenting and
11:40 that parents are having a hard time
11:42 right now I think with their kids
11:45 growing up in this world that is hard
11:47 you're easily distracted you're easily
11:50 addictive you're easily on your screen
11:51 all the time like what advice do you
11:53 have for parents who are who are raising
11:55 kids in this world today so that they
11:57 can you know raise them to the best of
11:59 their ability it's very difficult ult to
12:01 risc is these days because we're not
12:03 living in the way that human beings
12:06 evolved like every animal evolves in a
12:08 certain environment and context and is
12:10 suited to that environment and context
12:12 if you want to understand elephants
12:14 don't study them in a zoo study them out
12:18 in uh in the forest or where they live
12:20 you know and human beings we no longer
12:22 live in the environments even close to
12:25 the image we evolved out there in nature
12:27 in small groups connected to each other
12:29 parenting kids was used to be a group
12:32 activity it happened in the tribe in the
12:34 clan parents had lots of support kids
12:35 spent their whole day around their
12:38 parents it wasn't goodbye in the morning
12:40 hello in the evening and most of our
12:41 time is spent away from each other that
12:43 would never used to be the case not
12:44 through millions of years and 100
12:46 thousands of years now we can't go back
12:48 to that life you know nor would anybody
12:50 want to necessarily but we have to
12:52 understand what we've lost so first of
12:54 all you have to understand a few things
12:56 understand a few things the great
12:58 Buddhist teacher tikad Han who died
12:59 about a year ago he said that the
13:01 greatest gift a parent can give to their
13:04 child is his or her own happiness so
13:06 take care of your emotional states
13:08 because your kid is sensitive enough to
13:10 be downloading your emotional states and
13:12 making them their own so if you're
13:14 stressed unhappy depressed anxious
13:16 addicted believe me your kid is going to
13:19 absorb all that and make it about
13:20 themselves that there's something wrong
13:22 with them so take care of yourself live
13:25 a life that you can live with and if you
13:26 get the first three years right by the
13:29 way you got it made so your kids are
13:31 really small consciously make the first
13:34 three years as stressfree and as clear
13:37 of psychologial dysfunction as possible
13:39 that means work on your traumas work on
13:41 your relationship with your partner your
13:44 spouse that's the first thing beginning
13:47 with pregnancy by the way number one
13:50 number two understand what the needs of
13:52 children are needs of children are for
13:54 unconditional loving Acceptance in the
13:56 context of a secular relationship where
13:58 the child doesn't have to work to make
14:01 the relationship work the acceptance and
14:04 the regard should be unconditional allow
14:06 the child to have all their emotions
14:07 what are the emotions are let the child
14:09 have them understand them don't force
14:11 them to suppress their emotions I'm not
14:14 saying be permissive with behaviors I'm
14:15 saying don't force the child to suppress
14:18 their emotions don't tell them not to be
14:20 angry don't tell them to cheer up when
14:22 they're sad validate the anger validate
14:25 the sadness these are essential brain
14:28 circuits for such feelings nature gave
14:30 them those for reason allow the child to
14:32 experience them that way they can stay
14:34 connected to themselves thirdly there's
14:37 a need for spontaneous free play out in
14:39 nature get the hell away from these
14:41 devices don't give a one-year-old an
14:43 iPad or a cell phone get rid of the
14:45 screens in your house when your kids are
14:47 small have a screen in a locked room for
14:49 yourself if you need one but don't be
14:52 phoning and texting and and emailing
14:54 around your kids cuz the message they
14:56 get is the devic is more important than
14:58 they are don't go for a walk with them
15:01 and texting and looking at your cell at
15:03 the same time don't give the kids these
15:07 devices they've been documenta shown to
15:09 interfere with the healthy development
15:11 of brain circuits this has been shown on
15:13 brain scans so if I was raising kids
15:15 today I wouldn't let them near a screen
15:17 for years on the other hand I would
15:19 encourage them to be outdoors be with
15:21 them play with in nature spontaneous
15:24 creative play so these are the essential
15:26 needs of children I talked about in this
15:28 book They're difficult to provide in
15:30 this culture cuz if you do any of this
15:32 stuff you'll be an outlier cuz all your
15:34 friends and all your kids friends
15:35 parents will be on their cell phones all
15:38 the time so you have to make a decision
15:41 not to buy into the false values of this
15:43 what I call this toxic culture so that's
15:46 some basic advice you know easily said
15:48 hard to achieve but at least these are
15:49 the goals that we need to be striving
15:51 for I wish I had known this stuff when
