0:00 Translator: Gustavo Rocha Reviewer: Ariana Bleau Lugo
0:19 Hear that?
0:21 That's nothing.
0:24 Which is what I, as a speaker at today's conference,
0:28 have for you all.
0:30 I have nothing.
0:32 Nada.
0:33 Zip.
0:34 Zilch.
0:36 Zippo.
0:37 Nothing smart. Nothing inspirational.
0:40 Nothing even remotely researched at all.
0:43 I have absolutely nothing to say whatsoever.
0:47 And yet, through my manner of speaking, I will make it seem like I do.
0:53 Like what I am saying is brilliant.
0:55 And maybe, just maybe, you will feel like you've learned something.
1:02 Now, I'm going to get started with the opening.
1:04 I'm going to make a lot of hand gestures.
1:06 I'm going to do this with my right hand, I'm going to do this with my left.
1:10 I'm going to adjust my glasses.
1:11 And then I'm going to ask you all a question.
1:13 By a show of hands, how many of you all have been asked a question before?
1:17 (Laughter)
1:18 Okay, great, I'm seeing some hands.
1:20 And again, I have nothing here.
1:23 Now, I'm gonna react to that
1:24 and act like I'm telling you a personal anecdote.
1:27 Something to break the tension.
1:30 Something to endear myself a little bit.
1:32 Something kind of embarrassing.
1:38 And you guys are going to make an "aw" sound.
1:41 It's true. It really happened.
1:44 (Laughter)
1:45 And now I'm going to bring it to a broader point.
1:47 I'm going to really beckon.
1:50 I'm going to make it intellectual.
1:52 I'm going to bring it to this man right here.
1:55 Now, what this man did was important, I'm sure.
1:59 (Laughter)
2:01 But I, for one, have no idea who he is.
2:04 I simply googled image the word "Scientist."
2:07 (Laughter)
2:08 And now you see, I'd like it to seem like I'm making points,
2:11 building an argument,
2:13 inspiring you to change your life, when in reality,
2:16 this is just
2:17 me...
2:19 buying...
2:20 time...
2:20 Now, if you don't believe me, let's take a look at the numbers.
2:23 This is a real thing that's happening right now.
2:26 The number of talks that I'm giving is one.
2:30 Interesting facts imparted thus far in said talk,
2:32 well, that's going to be a zero.
2:34 My height in inches is 70.5. Note the .5 there.
2:39 2x6 equals 12.
2:41 And then interestingly enough 6x2 also equals 12.
2:43 That's math.
2:46 352 is a three-digit number
2:50 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then almost immediately following that we get 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
2:56 Now, to add more filler here,
2:57 I'm going to give you a couple more number to consider,
3:00 uh ... 18.
3:02 237.
3:03 5,601.
3:06 2.6 million.
3:08 Four.
3:11 24. Staggering!
3:14 (Laughter)
3:15 These are real numbers, all of them.
3:17 And to follow that up, let's take a look at some graphs.
3:20 Now, if you take a look at this pie chart, what you're going to see
3:23 is that the majority far exceeds the minority.
3:26 Everybody see that? Cool, isn't it?
3:29 And let's take a look at this bar graph,
3:31 'cause it shows similarly irrelevant data.
3:34 Now, I'm doing this because I'd like to make it seem
3:37 like I've done my homework.
3:39 If you were, say, watching this on YouTube with the sound off,
3:42 you might think, "Ah, okay. This guy knows what he's talking about."
3:47 But I don't.
3:48 I'm floundering, panicking. I've got nothing.
3:51 I'm a total and utter phony.
3:53 But you know what?
3:55 I was offered a TED Talk.
3:57 And dammit, I'm gonna see it through.
3:59 (Laughter)
4:01 Now, if you take a look behind me,
4:03 these are just words paired with vaguely thought-provoking stock photos.
4:08 I'm going to point at them
4:09 like I'm making use both of my time as well as your time.
4:12 But in reality, I don't know what half of them mean.
4:15 And now, as these continue, I'm just going to start saying gibberish.
4:19 Wagga wah, gabba gabba.
4:21 Turkey, mouth and a mouth.
4:24 Chip, trip, my dog Skip.
4:27 Rip it and dip it, Richard.
4:29 I'm an itty-bitty baby bopper.
4:31 And I'm hungry in my tum tum.
4:33 Brad Pitt, Uma Thurman.
4:36 Names, things.
4:37 Words, words and more things.
4:39 And see? It feels like it might make sense, doesn't it?
4:43 Like maybe, just maybe,
4:44 I'm building to some sort of satisfying conclusion,
4:47 I mean, I'm gesticulating as though I am.
4:49 I'm pacing, I'm growing in intensity,
4:51 I'm taking off my glasses, which by the way, are just frames.
4:54 (Laughter)
4:59 I wore them to look smart,
5:02 even though my vision is perfect.
5:07 And now I'm going to slow things down a little bit.
5:10 I'm going to change the tone.
5:13 I'm going to make it seem like I'm building to a moment.
5:20 And what if I was?
5:22 (Laughter)
5:24 Amazing, isn't it? What can we do?
5:26 Life's a roller coaster.
5:32 You know, if there's one thing you'd take away from my talk,
5:35 I'd like you to think about what you heard at the beginning,
5:38 and I'd like you to think about what you hear now.
5:42 Because it was nothing
5:44 and it's still nothing, think about that.
5:47 Or don't, that's fine.
5:49 And now I'm going to stop talking.
5:52 Thank you.
5:53 (Applause)
