Well, that leads me into the filth and
you know, that's the trouble with it is
trying to decide what to call these
words, man. Or trying to decide what to
call this whole thing. You know, what
are these words that I'm talking about?
They're just words that we've decided
sort of decided not to use all the time.
That's about the only thing you can
really say about them for sure. that
they're just some words, not many
either, just a few that we've decided,
well, we won't use them all the time.
Sometimes, well, hell yeah. Sometimes
it's okay, but not all the time. That's
and they're the only words that seem to
have that restriction. I mean, there are
a lot of words you can say whenever you
want. You know, pneumonia. Nobody gives
you a lot of All right, you can't yell
it in the hospital a great deal, but
what the hell? There are words that you
can say no problem. Topography.
No one has ever gone to jail for
screaming topography, but there are some
words that you can go to jail for. There
are some words that we just have decided
we will not say all the time. Sometimes,
okay, if you're running through the
jungle chasing somebody that we're at
war with, you can holler them. If you're
shooting a criminal, it's okay. It's the
all-American thing. Dirty [ __ ] crook.
But if you're with the bishop's wife at
lunch, it's better not to ask for the
goddamn lettuce.
You know what I mean? It's just like
we've decided there'll be some words we
won't say all the time. And I was just
trying to find out which words they were
for sure. All of them. I wanted a list
cuz nobody gives you a list. That's the
problem. They don't give you a list.
Wouldn't you think it' be normal if they
didn't want you to say something to tell
you what it is? Nobody even tells you
when you're a kid what the words are
that you're supposed to avoid. You have
to say them to find out which ones they
are. [ __ ]
Oh, [ __ ]
That's two.
Oh, ma. That's enough trial and error, huh?
huh?
Please, Ma, give me a list. Huh?
All right, you're 6 years old now. And
here's the list of words your dad and I
don't ever want to hear you say.
Ah. Oh, hey. Thanks, Ma. Boy, that's
Yeah, you never know what's going to be
on the list cuz it's always somebody
else's list. You didn't make that up.
Somebody told you that [ __ ] They told
you. Better better not say that. So, you
going to And you don't know what's going
to be on their list. God, people's lists
even change from day to day. Some people
on Friday night got a list, you know,
not about two or three words. Sunday
morning, goddamn 27 words on these are
the same people two days later,
different list. So, you got to kind of
watch out what you're going to believe
from them. The trouble is, I was trying
to find out what these words might be.
And I wanted to know the ones that you
could never say on television. I mean,
the filthy words that are always filthy.
There are a lot of these little two-way
double toned words that have two
meanings. Words that are okay part of
the time. I call them like part-time
filth. Some of these words, they're only
50% dirty. You have words like ass. Ass
is hardly even a dirty word anymore, but
it has a few meanings that you can't say
on television. That's what I was talking
about. What can you say on television?
That's another one of those places where
we can't use these words all the time.
But some of them are all right some of
the time. Ass is all right on
television. You can say on television
things like, "Well, you've made a
perfect ass of yourself tonight." But
you can't say, "Hey, let's go get some ass."
[Music]
[ __ ] [ __ ] is another word like that.
Same kind of word. It's only dirty part
of the time. Depends on what you mean by
[ __ ] You might be the lady from the
San Diego Zoo visiting one of the
Tonight shows and you might just have a
bunch of little kines with you there.
One of them is a female. You say,
"There's the [ __ ] Johnny." And it's
okay, fine. Just don't refer to the
singer the same way. That's Is that
[ __ ] going to do another number? Yes.
Animals are fine
on those two-way words. And that's it.
That's what I was trying to find. The
words that were always dirty, not just
part of the time, but completely filth.
Well, in in looking for these words, I
kept finding new categories. We have so
many ways of describing these dirty
words. It's well, we have more ways to
describe dirty words than we actually
have dirty words. That seems a little
strange to me. It seems to indicate that
somebody was awfully interested in these
words. They kept referring to them. They
called them bad
words. Dirty,
filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse,
coarse,
impo taste, unseammly,
street talk. Gutter talk, locker room
language, barracks talk,
body, naughty, saucy, runchy, rude,
crude, lewd, lascivious, indecent,
profane, obscene, blue, offcolor, risque,
risque, suggestive,
suggestive,
cursing, cussing, swearing, and all I
could think of was [ __ ] piss, [ __ ]
[ __ ] [ __ ] sucker, [ __ ] and tits.
>> [ __ ] as [ __ ] on [ __ ] [ __ ]
intense. That was my original list. I
knew it wasn't complete, but it was a
>> [ __ ] piss [ __ ] Yes, WBI is the one who
played them. [ __ ] piss, [ __ ] hunk,
[ __ ] sucker, [ __ ] and tits.
Now, that was the original list. We've
added a few words since then. We've
And I know there are some other words
that many of you are wondering about,
why they haven't been considered, why
they haven't shown up on the list thus
far. We're looking at them all very
closely. Some of your favorites might
make the list this year. [ __ ] Ball
beg. Hard on. Piss hard. Blue balls.
Tate. Nookie. Snatchbox.
[ __ ] Pecker. Pecker head. Pecker
tracks. Jism joint. Doniker. Dork.
Cornhole and dingleberry.
Dingleberry. A very popular word. And to
my way of thinking, dingleberry, a
rather innocent sounding word.
Dingleberry sounds Christmy to me, you know.
know.
So, the words, as I say, [ __ ] piss,
[ __ ] [ __ ] sucker, [ __ ] tits,
fart, turd, and [ __ ]
Now, [ __ ] came off the list
immediately. The first day, in fact, I
had a call from an English language
purist. Some guy had to he had to talk,
you know, he got on the phone. He tells
me, "I have a duplicate on my list. a
duplication. He says [ __ ] is a
duplication of the word [ __ ] technically
because [ __ ] is the root form
[ __ ] being derivative.
Therefore, it constitutes duplication.
And I said, "Hey, [ __ ] How did
I said, "Look, man. It may be
derivative, but you still can't say it."
Still can't say [ __ ] on TV, can
you? He said, "No, but you can't say
[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Ola, fuckeroon, or
fuckerino either."
Well, I said, "Yeah, that would crowd up
my list." Something awful.
So, I just struck that [ __ ] Or we
we
struck it from the list, [ __ ]
was gone. Now, the list was [ __ ] piss,
[ __ ] hunt, [ __ ] tits.
[ __ ] piss, [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits.
Doesn't it sound like something's
missing? The sound like an old friend is gone.
gone.
[ __ ] piss [ __ ] on [ __ ] tits.
Remember the old rhythm [ __ ] piss
[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits cocksuck
[ __ ] tits cocksuckle
[ __ ] tits [ __ ] [ __ ]
tits. Now [ __ ] piss [ __ ] on [ __ ]
tits. It falls apart. It isn't going anywhere.
anywhere.
And by now [ __ ] is the dominant
word on the list. Previously with
[ __ ] on the list [ __ ] was
somewhat balanced out. They were the
only multiselabic words on the list. But
now [ __ ] stands alone. Ship as
[ __ ] on [ __ ] tiff. [Applause]
[Applause]
And who knows, maybe it doesn't belong
either. After all, [ __ ] turned
out to be a ringer. Let's take a look at [ __ ]
[ __ ]
See if this one belongs. We'll divide
the word [ __ ] and sucker from each
other. Those words. Sucker isn't dirty.
Sucker. That's It's suggestive as hell,
but it isn't dirty. And [ __ ] that's not
dirty all the time. That's one of those
words that's only partly filthy. [ __ ]
If you're talking about the animal, it's
perfectly all right. They used to read
that to us from the Bible in third
[ __ ] is in the Bible.
Remember the first time you heard about
And even the word [ __ ] itself has
been twisted out of all of its original
meaning. It's been distorted for some
reason. Now [ __ ] means bad man.
It's a good woman. How did they do that?
Well,
Chits is on the end of the list. Ship is
[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Tits
and you know it doesn't belong on that
list. I mean, it really doesn't belong
here with that kind of heavyweight
filth. Tits isn't dirty. Tits is cute
name. Cute thing. Cute idea. Great fun.
Good name.
Tits. Hey, Tits sounds like a friend. It
sounds like a nickname, doesn't it? Hey,
Tits. Come here, man. Hey, Tits. I want
you to meet Tootsz. Tits. This is Toots.
Toot tootss. Tits.
Tits. Cute word. Nice word. I love a
word that spells the same forwards and
backwards. Like tit. Don't you think
it's so cute when a word is spelled the
same forwards and backwards? I always
wished my name was Otto. Just so I could
walk backwards and yell my name, you
know? Otto. Otto. Otto.
Well, I had strange dreams.
But the word tit is on the list because
you can't say it on television. You
can't say tit. Imagine that. Can't say
tits. You can say boobs. Boob is spelled
the same forwards and backwards, too.
Boobs is all right. You can't say tits,
but you can say boobs. In fact, boobs is
an answer now in match game. I had
boobs, Jean.
Boobs. $200.
Tits $200 fine. Maybe
you can't say tits. You can say tits.
Tits is all right providing you're on at
5 in the morning and a cow is your guest,
guest, [Applause]
[Applause]
but you can't say jugs and you can't say
knockers, you know. That's right, Danny.
Pull on the cow's knockers.
Right. Grab a knocker in each hand. That
a boy. Now alternate knockers. Good deal.
deal.
Can't say that. Tits. Tit sounds like a
snack, you know. Well, I know what
you're thinking, but Tit sounds almost
it sounds Nabiscoco to me. It sounds
like Nabiscoco has has reserved that
name cuz tits sounds like a thing at a
party. Pass the tits, would you be? Oh, thanks.
thanks.
Say, those things are responding. [Applause]
[Applause]
Well, [ __ ] is [ __ ] [ __ ] It's
fart, turd, and [ __ ] Fart. Fart is like
tit. It's one of those nut words that
isn't that harmful. You know, this is a
cute kind of thing. Fart. Well, farts
can be a little harmful. It depends.
Depends on who's cooking. But fart.
Fart. Fart is a clay. Kids know farts
are okay. Kids know farts are fun.
Farts are [ __ ] without the mess. Wow.
Yeah, same funny sound, same vile smell,
Fart is an interesting word in this
respect. Talking about television, fart
is extremely interesting because dig
this, you can't say fart on television.
We know that you can't say fart and you
can't say [ __ ] either on television.
However, you can refer to [ __ ]
you can talk about [ __ ]
They do that all the time. Some of the
times the show you're watching, two
people are probably [ __ ] in the other
room. [ __ ] is all right. [ __ ] is
part of the plot. A lot of plots are
based on [ __ ] Will they [ __ ] Should
they [ __ ] Have they [ __ ] Did they
[ __ ] Will they [ __ ] again? Will they
get sick from [ __ ] Are they [ __ ]
too much? Will they [ __ ] each other's
friends? Will they have a baby from
[ __ ] Will they be sorry they [ __ ]
Will they be glad they [ __ ] All [ __ ]
stories. Every honeymoon joke is a [ __ ]
joke. Have you ever noticed it?
Otherwise, the people wouldn't be on
their honeymoon in the joke. They'd be
knights or they'd be sailors or
something. They're on their honeymoon.
Got to be a [ __ ] joke. Every little
every news I'm sorry, every quiz master
has stood there with this newlywed
couple and said, and I understand you
folks are on your honeymoon. Lots of
[ __ ] going on here. Lots of [ __ ]
over here. So, they talk about [ __ ]
all they want. They just don't call it
that. They don't call it what it is.
They call it other things. They call it
making love, which is fine. They call it
going to bed with someone, having an
affair, sleeping together, but they
don't call it [ __ ] on the other hand, fart.
fart.
Not only is fart a word you can't use on television,
television,
but they never even refer to them.
That's how bad farts are compared to [ __ ]
[ __ ]
They don't even refer to farts. There
are no farts on television. You've never
seen a reference to a fart. I've never
seen a fart reference.
No. Wouldn't you think that by now one
Do you think by now that one guy on the
Johnny Carson panel just once would have
said, "Hey, Ed, move down, man. Woo! Wow,
that was a Clydesdale fart, Ed.
Give me the lighter, will you, Johnny? Well,
jeez, Ed, next time you're sick, you
ought to see the nurse. You know,
God, it's not the smell so much. It's
the burning of my eyes. [Applause]
Well, might we might live to see that.
You never know. Remember when you were a kid,
kid,
maybe you're a little boy child like me,
you had on short pants, maybe sitting in
church, sitting on a wooden bench in
church in the middle of the summer with
short pants.
You got to fart, you know, and it's up
to you. You got to work out a little
maneuver that's called the one cheek sneak.
sneak. [Applause]
right in tune with the organ.
That's why they call them pews, you know.
know. [Applause]
[Applause]
>> Do you ever notice that your own farts
Do some reading in the closet. [Laughter]
Now, I mentioned the three extra words,
fart, and turd and [ __ ] Turd is another
word you can't say on television. Turd.
But, you know, when you get right down
to it, who wants to say it? I don't even
care if I ever hear that one again.
[ __ ] [ __ ] is on the list for the same
reason. It doesn't mean anything else.
You know, it only has that one meaning.
Twat's [ __ ] and that's that. It's not
like prick. Prick is one of those
part-time dirty words. Prick is all
right. You can say prick on television.
You can say I pricricked my finger. Just
don't say you fingered your prick. That's
That's [Applause]
[Applause]
Now there are two words left which I
will wind this thing up with. One of
them is not uh dirty all the time. One
of them is ball or balls
is a word that's mostly clean. It has
many clean meanings but but it has a
couple of meanings that might get you in
trouble. And ball is one of those words
you got to think about how you're going
to say it. Maybe you have to watch out
for just a moment. But it's okay for
sports people. Perfectly all right. When
you're a kid, you grow up, they tell
you, "Go play with your ball, really."
But it's okay for the sports announcer
on the game of the week to tell you that
Pete Rose has two balls on them. No
problem at all. The whole country nods
But the announcer can't tell you that he
hurt his balls. He can't tell Tony Kubc.
Tony, I think he hurt his balls on that plane.
plane.
>> It looks like it. He's holding on to them.
them.
>> Well, that's right. Generally, when he
hurt their balls, they hold them. And
he's holding his. And I'd say he's hurt them.
them.
Never mentioned ball injuries. They
don't say the balls were hurt. They say
groin injuries. He had a groin injury.
You know why we call it a groin injury?
That's the noise you make when you get
hit there. Groin.
Groin. [Applause]
[Applause]
Now then, the other word I wanted to
remind you of was for the word [ __ ]
which of course is the champ of the
alltime dirty words when they're always
dirty by God. [ __ ] is right at the head
of the pack. [ __ ] a good strong word.
It's a good strong word for its purpose.
And it's a it's a word that a lot of
people have trouble with. Uh it's a it's
an honest word. It's a it's a forceful
word. It has a lot of emotional baggage
with it. When you hear the word [ __ ]
you're not just hearing the word. You're
hearing everything you ever heard about
[ __ ] I mean, we have a lot of
attitudes about [ __ ] Some of them
are rational and some of them aren't.
Some of them have joy in them. Some have
guilt and fear and all sorts of things.
And the word [ __ ] carries with it a lot
of emotional baggage. When they say
[ __ ] you go, "What? Oh, oh, I thought
you meant do it right away."
God. You know, it's a it's just a word
that that well, it'll clear the room
awfully quick in some households. It's a
heavy good strong word. It's a proud
sounding word to me. [ __ ] [ __ ] I am
[ __ ] Who are you? [ __ ] of the mountain.
I just uh I just feel the word is
getting a bad shake. The word has an
image problem. The word [ __ ] needs
public relations help. It's just a word.
You know, that's what you have to
remember. It's just a word, but it's in
such bad shape. Here's a word that
started out okay. Started out all right.
Nothing wrong with the word [ __ ]
originally. I mean, there it was. You're
not a bad word. You're not a bad word.
You've just gotten in with bad company people.
people.
That's all. Just the word was all it
was. The word in the original old
English as best I can find. [ __ ] only
meant to hit, to smite, to to perhaps
hit with a stick. To [ __ ] the tree,
to [ __ ] the rock,
to [ __ ] thee.
that's all.
I'll hit you with my dick, honey. Look
at that. That's all it was. Just a
little I'll knock a little [ __ ] on you
there. That's all it was was a love tap
when you get right down to it. That's
all [ __ ] ever meant. All [ __ ] ever meant
was to make love and to make life at the
same time. That's pretty magic. I mean,
in pretty noble things we think about
making love and making life. Here was
[ __ ] hanging around with words like love
and life. How did it get such a bad reputation?
We [ __ ] it up.
we put the aggression back into the word
[ __ ] you. [ __ ] you. You [ __ ] [ __ ] you.
You [ __ ] Who the [ __ ] do you think
you're [ __ ] with? Some kind of a
[ __ ] [ __ ] you. Who the [ __ ] do you
think you're [ __ ] with me? Don't [ __ ]
with me, I'll [ __ ] over you. You [ __ ]
with me and you'll get [ __ ] You [ __ ]
Don't [ __ ] with me. I'm the [ __ ]
Don't [ __ ] with the [ __ ] God, it
sounds like combat, man. It's got an
awful lot. There's an awful lot of
hostility in the way that word is used.
There's an awful lot of aggression going
down in the name of [ __ ] Imagine
that. I just like to help a little. My
feeling was, hey, here's a word that uh
maybe we could save, you know, just by
paying a little close attention to it.
The trouble is with all that aggression
and all that violence that we lose track
of those two things and people start
talking about sex and violence like
they're one thing. There's some sort of
an overlapping. There's some sort of a
gray area between sex and violence that
some people really are confused about.
There are people running around talking
about sex and violence as if it's one
thing. As if it starts with an S and
ends with an E. We're going to stamp it
out of the comics. We're going to stamp
it out of the Dixie cup. We're going to
snap it out of homes. Sex and violence.
Hey, they are different after all. And
some people even like them together.
There are true people who do like a
little violence with their sex. I'm not
a I don't care for that myself. I like
my violence a little earlier in the
afternoon. You know,
about 2:00, a real good ass kicking and
then everything's all right.
But uh the words
make love not war. Someone pointed it
out finally. They made it very clear for
us. Make love not war. I wish I had
thought of that phrase. You know, I
really would have been very happy with
myself if I had thought of that one.
Man, I would have retired the same day.
I would have left my car at the red
light, man. I said, "That's it, folks.
I'm going to the beach.
You got it. Make love, not war. Well, I
didn't think of it, but I do have my own
phrase. Make [ __ ] not kill.
>> It's not as graceful a phrase, but I'm
not looking to retire either.
It's [ __ ] [Applause]
The whole idea of make [ __ ] not kill is
simply to switch the meanings of the
words. I suggest that for one year we
trade meanings on [ __ ] and kill. Just
[ __ ] for kill and kill for [ __ ] That's
it. Don't worry about what they really
are. Someone else will take care of real
[ __ ] and real killing. I'm just
worried about what we call it them. We
call them [ __ ] and killing. I say
switch them around. I think it would be
an insight. I think we'd get a new slant
on how we feel about these words if we
just changed [ __ ] for killing for
about a year. That's all. Imagine it.
Sure would be fun watching TV during
that time.
Better get down off the horse, sheriff.
Mad [ __ ] still on the loose. Not
anymore. He's made his first big
mistake, my friend. He [ __ ] a cop today.
today.
That makes him a cop [ __ ]
Pardon me, boys. My horse broke his leg.
I'm going to have to [ __ ] him. I'll be
right back. [Applause]
[Applause]
And to [ __ ] a mocking bird.
So, all I'm trying to suggest is that
[ __ ] you can be a positive phrase. If
you hear it from across the street, [ __ ]
you. Okay?
And thank you for being a part of this.
And I mean it a lot. And I thank the
people that aren't here tonight that
were here the other two nights. And
there's an awful lot of people to thank.
But I want to do one thing before I go
any further because I am going to split.
There's somebody that's very important
to this project and to me. Brenda, would
you please come here? I want to
introduce you to my wife of 17 years.
She is the associate producer and she is
my honey. And if she don't come out here
now, come here, honey. I want you to
give me a kiss. My wife, Brenda Carlin.
Thank you. See you later. Thank you all
and good night. I love you and [ __ ] [Music]
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