0:09 [Music] [Laughter]
0:20 [Music] [Applause]
0:37 I thought you were going to wake me at
0:39 6:30 I also said women like men who are
0:41 shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern
0:42 pattern
0:47 here I had the egg dream again I I I
0:49 what do you think an egg dream means
0:52 probably an omen a good omen how many
0:53 good Omens involve things that come out
0:55 of a chicken's butt there only has to be one
0:57 one [Music]
1:01 [Music]
1:07 bathroom I didn't know you had your own
1:18 toothbrush good morning shower good
1:20 morning Dilbert don't you do enough
1:22 engineering at work work is just
1:24 meetings this is engineering if this
1:27 works someday all showers will be voice
1:29 activated is it that hard to turn the
1:32 the knobs it's not that it's hard it's
1:36 unnecessary 99 please [Music]
1:39 [Music] 99
1:42 99
1:44 400 nice try but the shower is
1:47 calibrated to respond to my voice only
1:48 well you think of everything I'm
1:50 cautious that's why you had training
1:52 wheels on your bike until you were 17 I
2:01 14 9 99 9
2:03 don't do that where'd you get the voice
2:05 for that thing sounds like the computer
2:07 from that stupid movie what was it
2:10 something something A Space Odyssey it
2:12 wasn't something something A Space
2:19 Space on the plus side you look very clean
2:53 [Applause] [Music]
3:09 [Applause] [Music]
3:36 [Music]
3:38 are we sticking with our ban on useless
3:54 checking Wally yes push the button why
3:56 just because I'm standing near them yes
3:59 I pushed the button yesterday Wally do
4:09 I I had the egg dream again last night
4:11 I've often said there's nothing more
4:13 interesting than hearing about someone's
4:15 dream EGS you're not the first engineer
4:18 to have that dream you too no I'm saying
4:21 old Jack Cooper had that dream right
4:24 before he turned into the chicken man
4:26 it's impossible to turn into a chicken a
4:28 chicken yes but chicken man that can
4:30 happen what happened happened to Jack
4:33 Cooper he was an engineer much like you
4:34 until they put him in charge of a
4:36 project the frustration started building
4:39 up he started having the egg dream he'd
4:40 stand up during meetings all agitated
4:42 and he'd wave his arms around like a
4:44 chicken what project was he working on
4:46 that's the thing no one could agree on
4:49 the project name that's what got him
4:51 what happened I think he's with the
4:55 circus poor clucker [Music]
4:59 [Music]
5:01 thank you for calling please dial your
5:07 pound you have
5:11 937 messages all of which are marked
5:15 urgent first Urgent Message this is Ted
5:16 I'm just calling to tell you I sent you some
5:18 some
5:32 jeez the network is slow
5:42 no is it yes nothing your resumes people
5:44 are bailing out there must be a problem
5:46 with our new flagship product H The
5:48 herbal throat lenges I told him at the
5:50 rollout meeting that anthrax was a
5:53 bacteria not an herb no you didn't I was
5:55 thinking it pretty hard oh some poor
5:57 marketing executive will have to take
6:00 the fall for this one Bob you made quite
6:02 a mess with the herbal lozes product
6:04 line don't believe everything you read
6:07 in all the major news outlets try
6:10 one worth a shot Bob you're like a son
6:12 to me you don't have a son that's where
6:16 I'm headed here oh now this isn't easy
6:18 for either of us but I have to ask you
6:20 to take your huge executive severance
6:22 package and go find a higher paying job
6:25 at another company this is barbaric I
6:35 I've heard a
6:37 rumor I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry I
6:40 heard a rumor our loes product wiped out
6:43 of town I can't believe it those loes
6:44 were made of natural
6:47 ingredients we can see the devastation
6:50 but how does this make you feel my
7:03 he's always late what's he doing that's
7:12 us uhoh draw is almost full I'll need a
7:17 new desk hey Alice
7:19 looky so what's life like in your
7:21 village tongi and tell me everything I'm
7:24 not paying for the call well troops I
7:25 assume you've all been informed about
7:28 the problems with our Flagship product I
7:29 don't well there's no no point in
7:31 killing a dead horse you mean there's no
7:34 point in beating a dead horse why would
7:37 anyone beat a dead horse why would
7:39 anyone kill a dead horse maybe it kicked
7:41 you it's dead and so is every customer
7:44 who used our Flagship product now we
7:46 have a warehouse filled with lethal
7:48 lozenges we are currently converting for
7:52 usage in ancillary markets buttons
7:54 buttons
7:57 coinage teddy bear
7:59 eyes the point is we all must embrace
8:01 change no that is very bad we don't like
8:03 that well we have to make up for the
8:04 revenue shortfall and there are only two
8:07 ways to do that create a new product or
8:09 make massive painful budget
8:13 cuts let's make a new product that is
8:16 exactly my plan oh I love
8:18 a phase
8:22 one we need a name for the product uh
8:24 that's actually the last step you've got
8:26 the transparencies out of order he
8:28 doesn't like being corrected now he must
8:31 do something terrible to you something
8:34 to teach us all a lesson
8:37 Gilbert I'd like you to take the lead on this
8:45 project step one the name the name is
8:47 the last thing you do oh use some common
8:48 sense son if you don't know something's
8:50 name how do you know what to build focus
8:53 groups market research detailed user
8:56 specifications and the
8:58 name do you think the guy who invented
9:01 the mouse pad started with the name
9:04 what's a mouse pad feminine protection for
9:06 for
9:08 mice if we don't know what the product
9:10 is we'll never agree on its name we'll
9:12 have meeting after meeting after meeting
9:14 everyone will want to have input because
9:15 input is much easier than doing real
9:17 work the only way we'll ever get that
9:21 many people to agree is look
9:24 look oh that's not
9:27 a I am not the chicken man I'll get you
9:29 a name anyway it's better than mass of
9:31 painful budget cuts actually we're doing
9:35 that too it's being announced right
9:39 now I got your budget cuts right
9:43 here we expect some loading maybe you
9:44 people can just sit here while this
10:02 how hard get a beat to name a product
10:03 that Jack Cooper just didn't have what it
10:10 takes that happens to be the best way to
10:14 stom out of fire dver help I've been
10:16 shot I've been shot I've been shot I
10:18 have a few problems of my own you know
10:20 yeah I heard about the name thing that's a
10:20 a [Music]
10:23 [Music] [Applause]
10:26 [Applause]
10:29 drag I'm okay everything's okay things
10:32 could be
10:43 God why don't you call your product the
10:47 vetrx 9000 why would I call it that I'm
10:49 just trying to help I know it's hard for
10:51 you to come up with a name what with
10:53 your poor verbal skills there's nothing
10:55 wrong with my verbal skills it only
10:56 seems that way because my math skills
10:58 are so high there's no reason to get all
11:01 news wed about this he's more pacious
11:04 than naric whatever that means I am not
11:07 there there I know what you're doing
11:09 your Scrabble Mind Games will not work
11:28 [Music]
11:31 mipuluk 6,000 what kind of product do
11:33 you see when you imagine a gruntmaster
11:35 6000 well it's a strip down version of
11:38 the gruntmaster 9,000 of course but it's
11:41 software upgradable can we just play all
11:43 right then standard Scrabble rules apply
11:45 no kicking biting or slapping no
11:47 projectiles of any kind name calling
11:54 turn it give me four big ones you
11:58 wrinkled toad yes yes it that's not a
12:02 word I challenge you challenge it give
12:07 dictionary what kind of stupid
12:09 dictionary is
12:12 this Websters I think it's the one your
12:14 company makes that would explain it
12:18 explain it what's an it quick
12:21 Sonic that's triple word score plus 50
12:24 for using all seven letters q and the X
12:27 that's 152 stinking totally lucky points
12:44 dance quizzing
12:47 that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only
12:49 has one
12:51 Z that's the kind of thinking that
13:01 row thank you all for coming especially
13:02 those of you who weren't invited and
13:04 have no reason to be here
13:07 sure to save time I've hired a
13:08 consultant to help us find a name for
13:10 our next
13:12 product he doesn't look like any
13:15 consultant I've ever seen
13:18 recommendation downsize the loud guy by
13:23 take it back anyone else want a piece of
13:25 me as you probably know all the good
13:27 product names have been trademarked by
13:29 companies who are competent
13:31 competent how are we going to compete
13:33 with that there are still plenty of
13:35 names left in the areas of Greek
13:37 mythology bodily secretions diseases and
13:40 everything involving intestines I like
13:42 all of those things remember the first
13:44 rule of brainstorming is to openly mock
13:47 the opinions of others I thought it was
13:49 the other way around Swift let's start
13:52 with you accounting guys Walter's good
13:53 at this creative stuff he just named his
13:57 baby how is Walter Jr she's fine thanks
13:59 for asking
14:01 that was a dry hole do we have anyone
14:08 marketing lie to me our next upgrade
14:10 will solve the
14:12 problem I like the sound of it but how
14:13 do you
14:16 spell wter has a name for the product how
14:17 how about
14:19 about
14:23 Ford hm that seems to be taken by the
14:31 Company maybe for will sell the name
14:32 everyone has a price you're not allowed
14:34 to talk anymore how about something from
14:36 the disease category they can't all be
14:40 that bad how about cbera I like the
14:42 sound of it seia
14:44 seia
14:46 CIA that's not a disease it's a
14:48 condition it doesn't have to be a
14:51 disease let's stay focused diseases
14:54 secretions praks how about Copus the guy
14:56 who pushed a rock up a hill for eternity
15:00 that fits this project h I like it it
15:02 conveys a sense of playfulness it's
15:04 supposed to convey a sense of futility
15:05 you have to look at it from the Rocks
15:06 point of
15:10 view how about toe fungus that's a
15:13 disease cellulite
15:16 cellula cellula and when you take your
15:17 sock off and you can still see the
15:19 indent on your ankle is that called
15:21 anything that's it I can't take it
15:23 anymore I will not turn into the chicken
15:27 man pick a name any name
15:31 here acorn Acorn okay that's the name I
15:32 know it's taken but it's just a little
15:34 mom and popop dry cleaners we can buy
15:37 their name okay then buy it we'll
15:40 present it to my boss next week I feel
15:41 the curse of the chicken man lifting
15:43 already now all you need is a second
15:45 name to present at the same time a
15:48 really bad name why do we need a second
15:50 name it's a decoy always give your boss
15:52 two choices one to reject one to approve
15:54 it creates the illusion of
15:57 leadership you always bring me to
16:02 choices for you both choices are always
16:05 real oh all right we need a decoy name
16:08 that's plausible yet frighteningly bad H
16:11 how about salmonella in honor of rooster boy
16:15 [Music] [Applause]
16:18 [Applause]
16:21 here can I speak with the owner why so
16:23 you can make false accusations about us
16:25 wearing customiz clothing to sporting
16:27 events I defy you to prove it no I you
16:30 don't scare me you potato shap bully you
16:33 foure tall foreheaded shortpants man I'm
16:34 not here to
16:37 complain oh well we're not French well
16:39 why do you talk because we're rude it
16:40 just sounds better with the French
16:42 accent so what do you want my company
16:44 would like to buy the name Acorn we'll
16:47 pay never acor was our only son's
16:50 nickname it do not for sale as long as
16:53 his store still stands I need that name
16:55 leave the premises now or I will be
16:57 forced to call the strip more security
16:59 guard who although old and Fe will whip
17:01 you and beat you without Mercy until you
17:03 sing campfire songs in the voice of a little
17:09 girl thanks for all your help the acorn
17:11 dry cleaners won't last forever just let
17:13 nature take its course nature how long
17:22 nature would you like to try a vibrating
17:27 chair get out of my way you pervert [Music]
17:34 will you be sitting down in any of these
17:36 no I'm going to run for it and you might
17:43 [Music]
17:46 same Mother of [Music]
17:57 God remind me to never negotiate with you
18:06 am I late right on time sir oh in that
18:08 case I've got time to make some phone
18:18 rude am I late now yes but it's not
18:20 because you're an inconsiderate adult
18:21 it's because you're more important than
18:24 us all right so what do you have for me
18:27 we need your approval for the name
18:31 wait the smell of fresh Ficus it
18:33 transports me back to my youth summers
18:37 in the Catskill Mountains settle in this
18:38 could be a long [Music]
18:40 [Music]
18:43 one we'd all go to turtle pond to swim
18:46 and laugh and play games amongst the wild
18:52 Ficus One
18:54 Day tragedy [Music]
18:55 [Music]
19:00 struck a turtle made off with my trunks [Music]
19:02 [Music]
19:04 I stayed in the water as long as I could
19:08 but the water was cold soon a crowd
19:10 formed they gave me a nickname on the
19:15 spot one that still haunts me [Music]
19:17 [Music]
19:20 Acorn my awful non-french parents even
19:32 but that's all in the past what do you
19:34 have for me well we just need your
19:37 approval on our next product name sal
19:40 manella sal
19:49 God what nothing nothing no what's my
19:51 other choice people usually give me two
19:54 choices ah
19:58 se isn't that a disease it's a condition
20:00 I like the first one by this time next
20:01 year I want every person in the country
20:03 to be driving a salmonella it's not
20:07 necessarily a car it's not then why are
20:09 we giving it a car name what else do you
20:12 have how about the grunt Master the
20:15 grunt master I don't know it's missing
20:22 6000 that's it less features than the
20:25 grunt Master 9,000 but just as
20:30 fun good work Dilbert wait
20:43 chicken did you ever come up with a name
20:47 for your product it's a long story
20:50 gruntmaster 6000 really that doesn't
20:52 sound like a long story it is a long
20:55 story I made a suggestion you took it
20:57 not so long there was a lot more we had
20:59 meetings and pre- meetings and a a dancing
21:00 dancing
21:02 Acorn burn a strip mall and almost
21:05 turned into a chicken and then you used
21:07 my suggestion grun Master
21:10 6000 whose turn is it you know what I
22:00 next on channel 7
22:02 America's favorite media generated
22:05 disasters I can't believe you watch this
22:07 stuff tonight we'll show you how One
22:10 camera crew provoked Madonna to break
22:14 her foot ow I think I broke my foot do
22:16 you ever get tired of watching bad
22:18 things happen to people that's crazy
22:20 talk I mean don't you think people have
22:22 enough problems without the media
22:24 creating new ones sometimes the natural
22:26 disasters aren't spread evenly across
22:29 the week you need filler filler speaking
22:31 of which how was your day talk about
22:33 disasters the executive new product
22:36 evaluation subcommittee has recommended
22:37 to the executive new product committee
22:38 to push up the deadline on the
22:41 gruntmaster 6000 project because of some
22:43 scarless rumor that one of our
22:45 competitors allegedly not even in our
22:47 field although that can't be confirmed
22:48 because we don't know what field we're
22:50 in is releasing a similarly themed
22:52 product that might possibly have some
22:54 aspect in common with or overlap in some
22:58 slight way the gruntmaster 6000 now the
23:07 [Music]
23:09 weeks what makes you qualified to be a
23:12 reporter I'm willing to violate anyone's
23:14 privacy for my personal gain and then
23:15 claim with a straight face that the
23:17 public has a right to know have you been
23:19 using me as your main source of Industry
23:21 information no not the main source I
23:24 also make stuff up for instance I've
23:25 started a rumor that your company is a
23:27 front for an international organ
23:30 harvesting cult organ harvesting cult
23:36 really so where exactly did you hear
24:04 [Music] [Laughter]
24:13 [Applause] [Music]
24:29 h [Applause]
24:31 [Applause] [Music]
24:51 [Music]
24:53 first off dilbo we want to tell you what
24:54 a terrific job you've done on the punt
24:56 Blaster the even Product Industry news
24:58 says so they called it a product worthy
25:01 of a better company oh yeah excellent
25:04 who the man you the man thanks by the
25:06 way it's actually called the grunt
25:08 Master whoa look who's getting our
25:10 proprietary easy guy no point in getting
25:13 married to a name at this stage come now
25:14 one name's as good as another stop being
25:16 so rigid you're the one who insisted
25:17 that the name was the most important
25:19 part of the project I have no
25:25 that the name is the most important part
25:28 of the project I cannot EMP emphasize
25:30 this strongly
25:33 enough and once we have an aim there's
25:37 no going back that's my final word Alice
25:38 are you getting this all on [Music]
25:40 [Music] tape
25:42 tape
25:46 wow I have a beautiful speaking voice
25:49 well like we said we think you're 90%
25:50 there these changes we're thinking of
25:52 here are purely tweaks nothing that's
25:53 going to change the thrust of what
25:55 you're trying to do with this in any any
25:58 way I like the way you said any twice it
26:00 shows you
26:03 care you care these changes are really
26:05 up to you they couldn't matter less feel
26:07 free to ignore any two of them as long
26:08 as they're not two of [Laughter]
26:19 mine hear what I'm saying but seriously
26:21 dilb we need to reach a demographic
26:23 group that you may have overlooked
26:25 consumers right the people who are going
26:27 to buy this thing are going to want it
26:29 not just for whatever the heck it is
26:31 it's an exercise
26:35 machine for real how can you possibly
26:37 Market something if you don't even know
26:39 what it is who put the brakes on the
26:42 negativity Express it's not only
26:45 possible it's possible all you've got to
26:46 do is give it more attitude make it more
26:48 retro but not antique you know
26:51 futuristic but not techno sexier but
26:53 more gender neutral you see what we're
26:55 after here right I think we're all on
26:57 the same page what page is that so we're
26:59 still on track for a spring roll out
27:00 right we have to debut the grunt Master
27:02 before the competition has a chance to
27:04 get the jump on us I don't see anything
27:06 that could stand in our way sanity
27:09 reality the laws of
27:11 physics looks like we're done here
27:13 dilbero I think I speak for everybody
27:15 here when I say we've got complete
27:17 confidence that you can pull this off
27:34 oh my God this can't be good look at
27:36 that it's got a capital letter in the
27:39 middle German spelling and it's
27:42 a a thousand higher than
27:44 ours I've brought it to my attention
27:46 that our biggest competitor
27:49 nirvano the greatest engineering firm of
27:51 all time the executives actually listen
27:53 to what you tell them and respond with
27:55 neither sarcasm nor total
27:58 incomprehension the rumor is they treat
28:01 you like a human being and I would love
28:03 to be treated like a human being just
28:11 boy we've got a crisis on our hands if
28:14 they debut their grunt Meister 7,000 in
28:16 3 weeks they'll completely dominate the
28:17 market don't they already dominate the
28:21 market if you believe the Bible of our
28:23 industry anyway we're going to move the
28:25 production schedule ahead again what how
28:27 can we possibly speed up the schedule
28:30 anymore I've given that a lot of thought
28:34 have you no but nevertheless I realize
28:35 it would be impossible for you people to
28:37 work any harder than you already are
28:40 this is going to be bad or any longer
28:43 than you already are uhoh so we're going
28:46 to work tighter what tighter what the
28:49 heck does that mean security stripped
28:52 tight security Nano seems to know our
28:54 every move and then beat us to the punch
28:57 if this Phantom Insider knows what's
28:58 going on in Nirvana
29:01 he's sure to be snooping around here now
29:04 our security consultant Mr dogbert has
29:06 outlined a series of strict new
29:08 protocols to ensure nothing leaks out to
29:11 the media all right people listen up
29:13 nursery school is over I don't know what
29:15 you've been doing up until now but from
29:17 now on things around here are going to
29:20 be done by the book there's going to be
29:23 full frontal and backal strip searches
29:24 all communication will be done in the
29:27 form of codes which will be changed on a
29:30 daily basis is there a banjo player in
29:34 Farmer Johansson's Silo a pigeon has no
29:38 use for keys he opens doors with his
29:40 song All company documents will be
29:42 printed on edible paper for immediate
29:45 memorization and
29:47 consumption this is going to be great
29:48 what are you talking about it's going to
29:50 be like living under martial law in some
29:52 kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare
29:55 exactly do you know how desperate women
29:56 get under martial law in some kind of
29:58 post-apocalyptic nightmare I guess I
30:00 haven't studied it as extensively as you
30:02 you got that right it was the topic of
30:03 my graduate [Music]
30:29 thesis empty your pockets please [Music]
30:31 [Music]
30:37 [Music]
30:39 here where do you think you're going to
30:42 get the phone oh no I'm not falling for
30:43 that one
30:47 again okay fine I'm [Music]
30:54 going flaming Commando to central
30:56 control I have an intruder situation in
31:01 area 4 G1 n/x yk2 LM rainbow Bravo nylon
31:03 Delta tangle
31:08 Fox I add this one trying to escape
31:10 what since when is leaving your cubicle
31:12 to use the bathroom escaping since 2:30
31:15 this afternoon good work
31:18 Leonard why are we here what have we
31:20 done wrong I'll tell you what you've
31:24 done wrong someone in this room is a
31:27 traitor what are you talking about I'll
31:30 tell you what I'm talking about someone
31:33 in this room leaked information to this
31:36 magazine regarding our new security
31:39 measures now before you go accusing each
31:42 other let me accuse you Alice you're out
31:44 of your mind I was going to say let me
31:47 say why it couldn't be
31:49 Alice you see I've been watching you
31:52 nonstop on the security monitors but we
31:54 all have those cameras in our cubes yes
31:57 but I've only been watching hers woo
31:59 that's a relief can I get back to filing
32:02 my harassment suit soon now Wall-E this
32:04 current state of Siege is the only
32:07 chance you will ever ever have of
32:10 scoring is that right oh yeah definitely
32:12 no question there no other way so it
32:14 would not be in your best interest to
32:17 sabotage such a rare and favorable
32:21 situation would it hey no it wouldn't
32:24 that leaves Dilbert and Loud Howard I
32:26 think we'd all agree it's impossible for
32:30 Howard to do anything in secret why do
32:32 you say things that you know will hurt
32:35 me which I'm sorry to say leaves only
32:39 one possible suspect one who had the
32:42 means the motive and the
32:45 opportunity well the uh it's the means
32:48 anyway it's Delbert but profanity won't
32:50 help you now son this is so hard for me
32:53 to say actually it's not you're fired
32:58 clean out your desk and leave but I but
33:00 I can't believe this is happening you're
33:02 making a terrible mistake I'm I'm a
33:06 model employee but not a working
33:08 model I wish I were the kind of person
33:09 who didn't stand for this sort of
33:13 treatment everybody down he's becoming [Music]
33:18 disgruntled I can't believe
33:21 it this cubicle has been My Sanctuary
33:25 now I'm just a refugee a cubicle Nomad
33:27 doomed to roam the Earth in search of a
33:28 new Oasis in the harsh corporate
33:30 Wasteland well you know as long as you
33:32 remember nothing is worth committing
33:33 suicide over I wasn't planning on
33:36 committing suicide are you sure yes
33:39 think about it Dilbert an eternity of
33:42 Peace no I have Jack cavan's home number
33:52 chair I don't wear [Music]
33:59 boxers tonight at 11: could a giant
34:01 squid really eat a major metropolitan
34:04 area find out how to protect your family
34:06 why is the news always the same as the
34:08 minseries that was just on what are the
34:10 odds of that there's some things you're
34:13 not meant to know I have to get a job
34:15 I've been moping around the house for 12
34:18 hours and 27 minutes I'm not bothering
34:21 you am I being around all the time oh
34:23 it's an adjustment in the same sense as
34:26 for example being buried alive what I'd
34:28 really like to get is a job at Nirvana
34:29 company I'll take care of it plan to
34:31 report to work on Monday you can get me
34:34 a job at Nirvana how that's another one
34:36 of those things you're not meant to
34:40 know maybe I don't want to [Music]
34:51 know we were all very impressed with
34:55 your resume Dilbert did I send a resume
34:57 I believe your assistant a Mr dogbert
34:59 was kind enough to forward it we usually
35:01 insist on an interview before offering a
35:03 job but how many double Nobel Prize
35:06 winners does one see [Music]
35:09 [Music]
35:12 ah you may have heard we have a
35:14 different way of doing things around
35:17 here that you'll have to get used to but
35:19 I think you'll enjoy the level of
35:22 Freedom we allow our
35:25 employes thank you [Music]
35:29 [Music]
35:32 here's one of our Recreation rooms as
35:34 you can see at Nana Company employee
35:37 happiness comes first just like in the
35:39 space colonies of the
35:42 future oh thank you I was wondering
35:43 would it be at all possible for me to
35:50 Project D it if there were such a
35:53 project believe me I'd not only put you
35:55 on it but you'd be the head designer
35:57 with a staff of assistance and a budget
35:59 that would would choke a WID necked
36:01 animal what do you mean if there were
36:03 such a project you must be talking about
36:05 that article in Product Industry news
36:07 complete fiction I don't know how they
36:09 get away with publishing that rubbish
36:11 and I certainly can't imagine anyone
36:13 taking it seriously now would you like
36:17 to see your new offices
36:19 offices I'll leave you to acclimate to
36:21 your new surroundings if you need
36:23 anything the robots are programmed to
36:24 respond to your thoughts [Music]
36:47 door I sure do miss him have you talked
36:56 who I'm going to need a marrow sample
36:58 poke away my good man take as much as
37:01 you want drain
37:05 meow oh w-e are you all right all right
37:06 I hope this never [Music]
37:26 ends my
37:28 shirona this this is just impossible how
37:30 am I going to get any work done if
37:43 [Music]
37:46 PIN I'd like the forms to requisition a
37:49 pen please forms for a pen ultimately
37:50 yes but we both know it's not going to
37:54 be that easy come on in pens are in a 5
37:57 take what you need rotation tank time
38:00 will now commence in the main [Music]
38:13 [Music] Atrium
38:16 Atrium [Music]
38:21 [Music]
38:30 what are you doing waiting for you to
38:32 finish well I might be a while you could
38:34 use one of the other
38:38 machines they're working of course they
38:42 are what kind of M house is [Music]
38:47 [Music]
38:50 this hey good to see you good to see day
38:52 how you working on huh working we've
38:54 heard a lot about you I'll bet you're
38:57 inventing something pretty special uh
39:00 yeah yeah I'm I'm working on a u a
39:04 barbecue an underwater barbecue so when
39:08 you're scuba diving wow you are good I
39:10 just want to see if it can be done I'm
39:11 sure the marketing department will try
39:14 to kill it marketing department I'm not
39:16 sure we've got one who decides what
39:18 products to make who tells you your
39:20 ideas are idiotic wastes of time that
39:22 aren't commercial doesn't anyone step on
39:26 your dreams are you feeling okay yes I'm
39:28 I'm fine I just just didn't know how a
39:30 company can exist without a marketing
39:32 department hey what's wrong guys the new
39:35 guy has an idea to start a marketing
39:37 department what no no not at all I was
39:39 just saying I'd never heard of a company
39:41 without a hello Dilbert I'm the Vice
39:43 President in charge of immediately
39:45 implementing ideas that may adversely
39:48 affect the company now this idea of
39:49 yours for a marketing department sounds
39:52 a bit risky but here at Nirvana company
39:54 we pride ourselves on our willingness to
39:57 explore new directions until now it's
39:59 worked out great I only hope this isn't
40:02 the one time I'm calamitously wrong well good
40:03 good [Music]
40:05 [Music] day
40:07 day
40:10 uh-oh here's that marketing department
40:12 you've been so enthusiastic about
40:13 Dilbert I wouldn't say I was
40:15 enthusiastic their first recommendation
40:17 is we Gear Up Full Speed Ahead to market
40:25 what now first of all congratulations we
40:27 love this just a couple of thoughts one
40:30 does it have to be underwater and two
40:32 does it have to be a [Music]
40:34 [Music]
40:37 barbecue isn't that the whole point is
40:38 it I think we need to lose the
40:40 underwater part and the barbecue part
40:42 but it goes 86 it but then how do you
40:45 barbecue underwater sorry we couldn't
40:47 hear you your comments were drowned out
40:49 by a loud shriek from next door next
40:51 we're afraid that when it comes out of
40:53 the box it'll make a squeaking sound you
40:55 mean from the styrofoam packing material
40:57 it's a loser noise that sound test
41:00 extremely low are you trying this
41:01 marketing thing anywhere else in the
41:04 company or just here all over it's
41:23 go Nirvana company the world's greatest
41:25 company filed for bankruptcy today
41:29 inexplicable venture underwater cooking
41:31 headquarters destroyed in blaze Nirvana
41:35 Company's stock fell 180 points to -2 in
41:38 an eighth the company holds a single engineer
41:40 engineer
41:42 responsible well
41:44 congratulations for what destroying a
41:46 90-year-old company you're now well
41:49 known in your industry Fame is more
41:51 important than competence are you saying
41:53 I'm more employable as a famous screwup
41:56 than I was as a competent nobody that's
41:58 how it works I don't I don't see how
41:59 there's some things you're not meant to [Music]
42:01 [Music]
42:05 know well uh
42:08 Dilbert I see that your qualifications
42:10 are impeccable and even though I myself
42:12 or someone very much like me fired you
42:14 for divulging company Secrets I see that
42:18 you are now a wellknown industry figure
42:27 so yes you have entered a no marman song
42:37 home I'll introduce you around you'll
42:41 like w-e he's almost completely bald
42:44 sure I was wondering H seeing as the
42:47 main competition has gone Belly Up are
42:48 these security precautions still
42:51 necessary you know you're right I can
42:53 never remember the passwords anyway
42:56 attention employees attention as of this
42:59 moment all security procedures are
43:02 suspended please return to your normal
43:05 state of semios clock watching oh thank God
43:07 God finally
43:10 finally [Music]
43:13 [Music]
43:16 no oh well back to work [Music]
43:31 [Music] w
43:58 [Music]
44:01 I estimate this soap has one more good washing
44:07 left dang it's so small I can't even
44:10 find it what's with the bath did the
44:12 shower reject you again I'm trying to
44:14 think of a product idea I read that
44:16 Einstein did his best thinking in the
44:18 bath it's the warm water that's the same
44:20 theory behind instant soup would you
44:24 mind not staring at me uh what's the camera
44:25 camera
44:27 for that's my voice activat motion
44:29 sensitive hovering Dill camcorder
44:31 specially designed to record my
44:33 brilliant ideas oh I hope that's what
44:36 that's for I'm sitting in water I can't
44:39 use my laptop computer M so that's your
44:42 story yes it is as an engineer obviously
44:44 you know that a bathtub is the least
44:46 efficient form of bathing I'm thinking
44:49 up ideas you're sitting in your own
44:51 filth some of it's in the water it's
44:52 kind of like rinsing your fruit in the
44:56 sewer to wash the pesticides off okay
44:58 bath is over [Music]
45:02 [Music]
45:03 why don't you invent a product that
45:04 keeps your skin from wrinkling after a
45:08 bath kind of a de pruner dogbert that is
45:10 the vinest most superficial idea I've
45:13 ever heard thank you I don't want to De
45:15 prune people I want to make the world a
45:16 better place to live
45:18 in is this where you thought up your
45:21 invention that reversed global warming
45:23 yes the bath water helps me think and
45:26 why are you filming yourself I told you
45:28 I can't use the laptop in the bath so
45:31 you're sticking to that story yes I am
45:32 you know you're sitting in your own
45:34 filth I'm trying to think of an
45:37 invention to fix that too I think it's
45:41 called the shower this fantasy has been
46:01 ch ch [Music]
46:13 [Applause] [Music]
46:13 [Music] [Applause]
46:31 [Applause] [Music]
46:57 ew
47:01 yuck all pedestrians eliminated game
47:04 over can we do some work now one more
47:06 game I think I can get to the rest home
47:08 if I blow up the daycare center welcome
47:11 to pedestrian outrage remember I'm the
47:14 only woman who loves you registered user
47:21 hooked we're on a deadline here we need
47:22 to design the company's new flagship
47:24 product and we need it yesterday
47:27 yesterday then it's already too late
47:35 game everything's been invented oh it
47:38 hasn't a time machine that's just one
47:40 example all right let's go with a time [Applause]
47:43 [Applause]
47:46 machine well that's it I'm in youred to violence
47:55 now oh how's the Prototype
47:59 coming a root ating Cube I like it can
48:02 we be first to Market that's a screen
48:04 saver I'll save the technical mumbo
48:07 jumbo I just want to know if it'll work
48:09 it'll work but everyone already has one
48:10 well that's no good what else do you
48:12 have we were tossing around the idea of
48:14 a time machine well You' better get
48:16 going on that I've heard there's a rival
48:19 engineering department right here in our
48:21 own organization moving into our turf
48:23 and developing their own prototype just
48:25 out of curiosity who's running the other department
48:33 Lena Lena you mean there really is a
48:35 Lena I always thought you was just a
48:37 myth she's more than a myth she's like
48:39 the zena of
48:41 Engineers I heard when she was attending
48:44 Welsley as a foreign exchange student
48:45 there was an incident where she severed
48:47 a couple of classmates heads with a hockey
48:53 stick none of the witnesses ever talked
48:56 about that day if no one talked how do
48:58 we know the story I read it on her web
49:01 page uh-oh I heard a rumor that she
49:04 steals the ideas of other engineers then
49:06 cuts off their head so they can't talk I
49:09 like Wally's story better anyway no
49:11 shame in being a runner up after all
49:14 Albany is beautiful this time of
49:17 year whoever designs the next prototype
49:19 will need more floor space I'll have to
49:22 relocate the unproductive Engineers to
49:24 our facility in Albany [Music]
49:37 hey look at this Alice home liposuction
49:41 kit you could take one of these babies
49:44 and we're doomed Lena's team is probably
49:46 half done with their prototype we don't
49:48 even have an idea Lena is totally
49:50 overrated we can beat her I don't care
49:52 if most of the engineers have gone over
49:54 to her side Lena's team is so big you
49:55 could get lost in the crowd and never
49:57 have to lift a finger they might get the
50:00 big raises in the party atmosphere but
50:02 they'll never know the satisfaction that
50:19 better can I help you I've got to get to
50:21 work and you're blocking me although it
50:23 might seem that way on the surface in
50:24 reality it's you that's blocking
50:27 yourself you're right
50:29 how do you know that it's what I do
50:32 you're a garbage man
50:34 exactly well can you at least move the
50:36 truck it is moving it only seems like
50:40 it's standing still by the way thanks for
51:03 Lena Dilbert I am so very sorry you must
51:05 have been in my blind spot I was right
51:08 in front of you exactly you look so pale
51:17 breathe I cannot tell you how excited I
51:19 am for the opportunity to work on a
51:21 prototype against such a pro like
51:25 yourself me I am a huge fan of your work
51:28 you are
51:30 I only hope I could come up with
51:32 something half as brilliant as
51:35 you cuz I'm sure as hell not going to
51:38 Albany you know you're slightly more
51:40 friendly than I imagined really you
51:43 don't say I mean all the gossip about
51:46 how Cutthroat in mellian you are well
51:48 you know how people exaggerate and the
51:51 rumors about Fred the engineer who
51:53 mysteriously disappeared after his
51:56 project went up against yours yes rumors
52:07 forward
52:13 H what did you bring for lunch oh
52:16 salad ah she touched
52:18 me hey gray you're finally getting into
52:20 it what'd you come up with uh it's
52:22 nothing nothing yet still a work in
52:24 progress give me a few minutes to clean
52:27 it up look there's no time for niceties
52:30 we're on a deadline just let me see what
52:33 the heck oh Lena sweet Lena a female
52:39 Divinity my passions exceed p r 2 *
52:42 infinity have you lost your mind that is
52:44 not only the most nauseating thing I've
52:46 ever read it's meaningless if our is
52:49 undefined poetic license man she must
52:52 have blown some smoke up your butt did
52:54 she use a giant fan or just some kind of
52:57 Hose I think you're jealous jealous
52:59 I think I speak for all women capable of
53:02 reproduction when I say no what's a word
53:04 that rhymes with gradient she is
53:06 sabotaging us have you ever been to
53:11 Albany gradient gradient radiant I can't
53:13 believe I'm saying this but I think we
53:16 were better off when Wally was here we
53:28 him Wally
53:35 us so it is he doesn't recognize us of
53:37 course he does Wall-E old pal we need
53:39 you to come back to the team I am not of
53:43 your team I am of Team Lena praise Lena
53:48 snap out of it you half wit oh pain Lena
53:50 said there would be pain for those who
53:53 leave I see she was right but I only
53:56 left to go to the bathroom Lena I'm
53:59 coming back Wally it's Dilbert and Alice
54:02 don't you remember us you you were from
54:05 the Before Time When I was not of Team
54:06 Lena praise
54:10 Lena Lena I return to you I swear I will
54:13 never use the men's room [Applause]
54:15 [Applause]
54:18 again boy he's got it bad the worst part
54:20 is I like him better this
54:23 way hey look at that she's holding me up
54:25 as an example to her team I told you she
54:37 me Victory is not enough we must destroy
54:40 our opponent we will not only build a
54:42 better prototype we will build it upon
54:46 the crushed bones and torn flesh of debert
55:01 Gilbert how wonderful to see you here
55:05 Alice Lena we were just passing by look
55:08 Dey I was wondering if you weren't doing
55:11 anything later maybe we could get
55:16 together and talk about thing oh uh uh
55:19 sure yeah uh my my cubicle is no no no
55:21 no not here at the office I was thinking
55:27 perhaps your place h
55:30 wo Dilbert yes around 7even great see
55:35 you tonight I got a date I got a date I
55:40 got a date yeah package for you [Music]
55:44 [Music] [Applause]
55:45 [Applause] [Music]
55:46 [Music] [Applause]
55:51 [Music]
55:54 Alice let's see Lena's plate is at
55:56 positive point5 longitude
56:00 -3 latitude my plate is at pos5
56:02 longitude positive 3 point latitude
56:06 Lena's Fork is at positive 2.5 longitude -3
56:08 -3
56:11 latitude Lena's
56:14 Fork decapitate Dilbert steel idea two
56:16 quarts milk a box of [Music]
56:26 musle H I hate origami
56:30 I have a date boy that was weird I
56:32 thought you said you had a date want to
56:34 buy a
56:38 tape I'm kind of busy right now half off
56:39 two for
56:43 one supplies are limited goodbye
56:47 dogbert Lena long time no see dogbert
56:50 always a
56:52 pleasure hello
56:55 Dilbert Lena did you have any trouble
56:57 finding the place no the global
56:58 positioning coordinates you gave were
57:01 perfect well come in sit down can I can
57:02 I get you something to [Music]
57:08 drink yes I'll have a triple Brandy
57:09 Alexander with an Easter Island Sunset
57:12 Chaser a
57:15 where how are those drinks coming dly
57:17 any minute now my Swedish
57:19 Swedish
57:23 meatball crap crud
57:26 idiocy garbage nothing
57:29 where would that imbecile keep his [Music]
57:38 [Music]
57:41 notes it's so small I I I can't even
57:49 know why don't you invent a product that
57:50 keeps your skin from wrinkling after a
57:55 bath kind of a de pruner it could work
57:57 it could just
58:04 that to [Music]
58:16 [Music] go
58:24 Lina holy mother [Music]
58:51 [Music]
58:54 hello oh my God Fred is that you
58:57 dillbert yes Dilbert this is Joe Frank
59:00 Ed and Larry hi how you doing hiber good
59:01 to see you again nice to meet you get
59:05 out while you still can get out yes get
59:07 out can't you see we're severed heads in
59:09 a jar well maybe it didn't work out with
59:11 you guys but that doesn't mean it won't
59:14 work out with me she really likes me she
59:15 said she like me too she said to all of us
59:17 us [Music]
59:22 [Music]
59:25 that's there you are what took you so long
59:27 long
59:29 what took me so [Music]
59:35 [Music]
59:38 long you built this VCR from broken
59:41 parts of a washing
59:44 machine oh it's so small I can't even find
59:45 find
59:48 it hey where'd you get that I got it
59:50 used as a swap meat I think you should
59:52 know this transdermal hydroelastic
59:54 regenerator is well within the realm of
59:57 possibility you mean the the de pruner
59:59 take a look well what do you know by increasing
60:02 look well what do you know by increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer and
60:04 the gaseous conduction analyzer and factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic
60:07 factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic stabilizer huh it's obvious in
60:10 stabilizer huh it's obvious in retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling
60:13 retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling machine well I'll be actually you
60:16 machine well I'll be actually you already are I don't know what to say I'm
60:19 already are I don't know what to say I'm not surprised can I have this what am I
60:21 not surprised can I have this what am I going to do with it I'm a garbage man
60:25 going to do with it I'm a garbage man [Music]
60:38 yes a cell recycling machine pretty darn spiffy Team Lena is going down must one
60:43 spiffy Team Lena is going down must one person's Triumph be another's
60:44 person's Triumph be another's humiliation of
60:53 course we stand at the dawning of a new age where man transcends his mortal ity
60:56 age where man transcends his mortal ity and becomes Superman yeah and I'm
60:59 and becomes Superman yeah and I'm Batgirl get on with it shh and so I
61:04 Batgirl get on with it shh and so I present to you the eight wonder of the
61:07 present to you the eight wonder of the world the de
61:14 [Music] pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in
61:20 pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh
61:26 water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh oh
62:00 [Applause] [Music]
62:02 [Music] [Applause]
62:10 we better rent iron weed hey wallet I got your
62:11 got your trunks but the best part is what my
62:15 trunks but the best part is what my invention can do for your SX Li it's so
62:19 invention can do for your SX Li it's so small I can't even find
62:22 small I can't even find it oh yes deep pruning is the
62:26 it oh yes deep pruning is the Afrodisiac for married couples only of
62:29 Afrodisiac for married couples only of course she's making me think of sex at
62:31 course she's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked now I've
62:35 the same time I see you naked now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of
62:38 got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my
62:39 my brain ow ow ow get it out you made this
62:43 brain ow ow ow get it out you made this happen you made me think of Dilbert and
62:46 happen you made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time you've ruined sex
62:49 sex at the same time you've ruined sex for me forever I'm starting to be
62:52 for me forever I'm starting to be insulted Lena must pay
62:56 insulted Lena must pay [Applause]
63:24 Sil our special today is an angry horde of riers who will trample you and your
63:26 of riers who will trample you and your date ooh I'll have
63:32 [Music] [Applause]
63:37 [Applause] [Music]
63:39 [Music] that who forgive me Madam I had honey
63:43 that who forgive me Madam I had honey darling I can
63:46 darling I can explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll
63:48 explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll take two
63:50 take two [Music]
63:57 [Music] it's kind of funny how things turn out I
64:00 it's kind of funny how things turn out I haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off
64:04 haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off your head and send your scrawny
64:06 your head and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany
64:08 girlfriend Alice to Albany girlfriend me his have you gone
64:13 girlfriend me his have you gone mad she's nuts 75% off last chance
64:17 mad she's nuts 75% off last chance before they're pulled from the market
64:18 before they're pulled from the market repackaged as a deluxe edition and then
64:20 repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on the market
64:36 I've got images in my brain I'll never get
64:46 [Music] out I knew I shouldn't have added that
64:49 out I knew I shouldn't have added that [Music]
64:52 [Music] option well better this than Albany
64:59 I wonder how this shows up on our headcount
65:08 [Music] [Applause]
65:08 [Applause] [Music]
65:11 [Music] [Laughter]
65:17 [Laughter] report feeling inadequate not measuring
65:20 report feeling inadequate not measuring up to the other
65:22 up to the other guys well you're probably right so give
65:25 guys well you're probably right so give me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a
65:29 me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a lot
65:36 better it's so small I can't even find it I can't even find it I meant so it's
65:39 it I can't even find it I meant so it's so small I was talking about soap wasn't
65:42 so small I was talking about soap wasn't it obvious I was talking about soap soap
65:57 [Music] w
66:54 in you've got to start driving with more attitude attitude I've got attitude to
66:57 attitude attitude I've got attitude to spare please don't hurt me is not
66:59 spare please don't hurt me is not attitude it's an invitation to get
67:01 attitude it's an invitation to get capped why don't you use the
67:04 capped why don't you use the Whatchamacallit that's only for use in
67:06 Whatchamacallit that's only for use in dire emergencies like when I'm rushing
67:08 dire emergencies like when I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give
67:10 my future wife to the hospital to give birth so in other words never why are we
67:13 birth so in other words never why are we all forced to go to work at the same
67:14 all forced to go to work at the same time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00
67:17 time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.m. was a good time for everyone to go
67:19 a.m. was a good time for everyone to go to work there would be no rush hour if
67:21 to work there would be no rush hour if there was no rush you have no
67:22 there was no rush you have no understanding of human nature if people
67:24 understanding of human nature if people weren't forced to come to work at a
67:26 weren't forced to come to work at a certain time they wouldn't come at all
67:28 certain time they wouldn't come at all you have no faith in humanity people are
67:30 you have no faith in humanity people are basically good no no help help me what
67:35 basically good no no help help me what should we do close the windows I'll turn
67:37 should we do close the windows I'll turn on the radio just don't change any of my
67:39 on the radio just don't change any of my presets no heaven for bid all music all
67:43 presets no heaven for bid all music all the time more music and much less talk
67:47 the time more music and much less talk we're the all music station except for
67:49 we're the all music station except for right now which is a fluk more than
67:51 right now which is a fluk more than anything this is a
67:54 anything this is a nightmare and business dude ah finally
67:57 nightmare and business dude ah finally stocks are way up again today as every
68:00 stocks are way up again today as every idiot with a telephone is dumping his
68:01 idiot with a telephone is dumping his lunch money into the market that's
68:03 lunch money into the market that's outrageous idiots shouldn't have money
68:06 outrageous idiots shouldn't have money they won't have it long the only people
68:08 they won't have it long the only people who make money in the stock market are
68:09 who make money in the stock market are the ones who manipulate the stock prices
68:11 the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes or the ones who write
68:13 behind the scenes or the ones who write books about investing they're the
68:19 [Music] worst great now traffic is completely
68:22 worst great now traffic is completely stopped
68:24 stopped [Music]
69:01 this is insane you know this would be a perfect time to field test this
69:10 thing okay but just once to see if it works on my Mark 3 2 1
69:30 nice shooting somehow I just don't feel right about that just drive got a book
69:33 right about that just drive got a book to right
70:11 down [Music]
70:22 [Applause] [Music]
70:43 [Music] Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello
70:46 Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello Dilbert nothing were you just reading a
70:48 Dilbert nothing were you just reading a book are you Bonkers what makes you
70:50 book are you Bonkers what makes you think that my own eyes hardly a reliable
70:52 think that my own eyes hardly a reliable source I just saw you you did not then
70:55 source I just saw you you did not then what is this oh that that is not a book
70:58 what is this oh that that is not a book it's a way of life Get Rich or get out
71:01 it's a way of life Get Rich or get out of my way investing dog bird style it's
71:04 of my way investing dog bird style it's full of investment tips that no one ever
71:05 full of investment tips that no one ever thought of before I've done the first
71:07 thought of before I've done the first exercise and already I'm a Millionaire
71:09 exercise and already I'm a Millionaire on paper what was the exercise you write
71:11 on paper what was the exercise you write down on a piece of paper I Wally am a
71:14 down on a piece of paper I Wally am a millionaire millionaire has two L's like
71:16 millionaire millionaire has two L's like your name which oddly enough you also
71:19 your name which oddly enough you also spelled wrong uh that's my nickname
71:22 spelled wrong uh that's my nickname Wally with one L who calls you that most
71:25 Wally with one L who calls you that most people they just don't realize it and
71:27 people they just don't realize it and now you're going to apply your special
71:29 now you're going to apply your special brand of Genius to the stock market the
71:31 brand of Genius to the stock market the time to strike is nigh are you in did
71:34 time to strike is nigh are you in did you say nigh it's a word how about if I
71:37 you say nigh it's a word how about if I just watch and stun silence for the
71:39 just watch and stun silence for the first
71:40 first round welcome to dogbert's More Than
71:42 round welcome to dogbert's More Than full price Brokers where your dreams
71:45 full price Brokers where your dreams turn into large transaction fees
71:52 overnight okay let's see invest in the company where you work only if you have
71:55 company where you work only if you have ACC actual knowledge of what's going on
71:57 ACC actual knowledge of what's going on inside the company insider trading is
72:00 inside the company insider trading is illegal you could go to jail well I'll
72:02 illegal you could go to jail well I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA
72:04 need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the ioc meeting well that
72:07 project before the ioc meeting well that has Alibi written all over it are you
72:10 has Alibi written all over it are you in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's
72:14 in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's the name of the company we work for this
72:16 the name of the company we work for this week hm we were called pathway
72:18 week hm we were called pathway Electronics then we merged with ech
72:22 Electronics then we merged with ech management now I guess we're petech
72:24 management now I guess we're petech management
72:25 management all right turn on the financial Channel
72:27 all right turn on the financial Channel and get ready to
72:30 and get ready to score as I said weakness in the Japanese
72:33 score as I said weakness in the Japanese Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh
72:36 Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh snotrag are all bad news for poorly
72:38 snotrag are all bad news for poorly managed multinational companies we're a
72:40 managed multinational companies we're a poorly managed multinational company as
72:43 poorly managed multinational company as soon as he said that our stock went down
72:45 soon as he said that our stock went down join me in 10 minutes when I explain why
72:47 join me in 10 minutes when I explain why poorly managed multinational companies
72:49 poorly managed multinational companies are a great bargain we're back up I'm
72:51 are a great bargain we're back up I'm seeing a pattern here the stock plummets
72:54 seeing a pattern here the stock plummets on bad news which ironically is the best
72:56 on bad news which ironically is the best time to buy and the stock Soares on good
72:59 time to buy and the stock Soares on good news which is obviously the time to sell
73:01 news which is obviously the time to sell it's go time major lawsuits over product
73:05 it's go time major lawsuits over product liability by the company announced more
73:08 liability by the company announced more layoffs to cut costs sell alleged
73:10 layoffs to cut costs sell alleged accounting irregularities by devil or
73:14 accounting irregularities by devil or nothing new product announced that will
73:16 nothing new product announced that will compete in the vaporware arena
73:24 selly that was exciting well back to work back to work we're on a hot streak
73:27 work back to work we're on a hot streak yes and if we keep going we'll be on a
73:28 yes and if we keep going we'll be on a cold streak let's leave it at that
73:32 cold streak let's leave it at that was you can't get out now you're in too
73:34 was you can't get out now you're in too deep there's no turning back it's all in
73:37 deep there's no turning back it's all in the book that book is worthless we're
73:39 the book that book is worthless we're going to be ruined and now investment
73:42 going to be ruined and now investment Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the
73:46 Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the Chinese have a word for crisis it's made
73:48 Chinese have a word for crisis it's made up of two characters danger and
73:50 up of two characters danger and opportunity although this has nothing to
73:52 opportunity although this has nothing to do with anything I enjoy mentioning it
73:55 do with anything I enjoy mentioning it what should we do now now now is
73:57 what should we do now now now is definitely the time to buy I thought you
73:59 definitely the time to buy I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is
74:00 were supposed to buy when the stock is low have I ever lied to you about 1,000
74:03 low have I ever lied to you about 1,000 times you don't have to throw it in my
74:04 times you don't have to throw it in my face sorry I'll take care of the stock
74:07 face sorry I'll take care of the stock price excuse me a
74:21 [Music] minute you were caught in a jungle voodo
74:24 minute you were caught in a jungle voodo orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9
74:27 orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9 no well yes Samuel serve the poison must
74:32 no well yes Samuel serve the poison must I
74:40 yes wow he really earns his commissions the stock is so cheap now we can buy a
74:42 the stock is so cheap now we can buy a controlling interest in our own company
74:44 controlling interest in our own company let's do it wait I what are we ready for
74:47 let's do it wait I what are we ready for the responsibility that comes with
74:49 the responsibility that comes with owning the company uh I'll say no this
74:52 owning the company uh I'll say no this is serious we will inherit a moral
74:54 is serious we will inherit a moral obligation to the other stockholders yes
74:57 obligation to the other stockholders yes but more importantly to Society at large
74:59 but more importantly to Society at large who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm
75:02 who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm saying is look mahma we're not trying to
75:04 saying is look mahma we're not trying to change the world here we're trying to
75:05 change the world here we're trying to make some quick cash in the market and
75:07 make some quick cash in the market and considering it's 11:30 and we started at
75:09 considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but
75:11 9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but we could change things change them for
75:13 we could change things change them for the better I've always felt if I had an
75:15 the better I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things I would be a
75:17 opportunity to run things I would be a kind and benevolent boss employees would
75:19 kind and benevolent boss employees would be free to come and go as they please to
75:21 be free to come and go as they please to choose hours that fit their lifestyles
75:24 choose hours that fit their lifestyles in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex
75:27 in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex time schme time great idea I love it can
75:29 time schme time great idea I love it can we just execute the buy already Wally
75:33 we just execute the buy already Wally look at me and tell me we're going to do
75:34 look at me and tell me we're going to do the right thing I will tell you we're
75:36 the right thing I will tell you we're doing the right thing but I will not
75:38 doing the right thing but I will not look at you Wally you do whatever you
75:40 look at you Wally you do whatever you want me I'm cashing out you plan to
75:42 want me I'm cashing out you plan to retire retire from what I don't do
75:45 retire retire from what I don't do anything now except surf the net why
75:47 anything now except surf the net why should I pay for that besides I really
75:49 should I pay for that besides I really like the coffee here fellas tick tick
75:52 like the coffee here fellas tick tick tick carpet DM Delbert season the day
75:55 tick carpet DM Delbert season the day what carpedm I think that's a fish boys
75:59 what carpedm I think that's a fish boys okay okay good you two now own 51% of
76:03 okay okay good you two now own 51% of the company yeah but the Stock's not
76:05 the company yeah but the Stock's not worth anything I'll be right
76:12 back hello I'm dog and welcome to Shams scams and flim flams in review today our
76:15 scams and flim flams in review today our Round Table of financial experts include
76:17 Round Table of financial experts include Vlad Corfu financial planner for the
76:20 Vlad Corfu financial planner for the firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome
76:24 firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome my next guest is is a pension fund
76:25 my next guest is is a pension fund manager for pogram Investments trailer
76:29 manager for pogram Investments trailer Baron our next guest runs her own
76:31 Baron our next guest runs her own investment firm hey it's me Investments
76:33 investment firm hey it's me Investments Esther bester and my final guest is a
76:36 Esther bester and my final guest is a bear from the circus formerly from the
76:38 bear from the circus formerly from the woods do you have a name they call me
76:40 woods do you have a name they call me brownie okay let's talk about the market
76:43 brownie okay let's talk about the market what Market the stock market oh you had
76:47 what Market the stock market oh you had me worried there thought you meant the
76:49 me worried there thought you meant the white slave market of which I know
76:51 white slave market of which I know nothing does anybody care that I'm a
76:53 nothing does anybody care that I'm a bear I'm not thrilled if we good people
76:55 bear I'm not thrilled if we good people let's talk about the swirling rumors
76:57 let's talk about the swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover of
76:59 surrounding a supposed takeover of pathetic Management Incorporated has
77:01 pathetic Management Incorporated has anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor
77:03 anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor that everyone in that company's gay or
77:04 that everyone in that company's gay or at least bisexual I heard they kidnap
77:07 at least bisexual I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood
77:08 little children and drink their blood from little plastic cups that they make
77:10 from little plastic cups that they make themselves from detergent bottles
77:11 themselves from detergent bottles anybody hear anything about the Takeover
77:13 anybody hear anything about the Takeover why are you looking at me I'm a bear
77:15 why are you looking at me I'm a bear he's just looking I swear to God I'll
77:18 he's just looking I swear to God I'll come over there and one swipe with my
77:20 come over there and one swipe with my claw and you will not have a face my
77:21 claw and you will not have a face my friend okay I have a poison dart gun you
77:24 friend okay I have a poison dart gun you won't know what hit you you won't be
77:25 won't know what hit you you won't be able to reload it fast enough before I
77:27 able to reload it fast enough before I rip you in half if I go down I'll take
77:29 rip you in half if I go down I'll take the rest of you with me okay that's it
77:31 the rest of you with me okay that's it what about the Takeover rumors people
77:33 what about the Takeover rumors people that's what I don't need this yeah do
77:35 that's what I don't need this yeah do you need a hideous scar across your
77:36 you need a hideous scar across your entire body listen Buster I'm the owner
77:38 entire body listen Buster I'm the owner of hay it's me Investments you keep
77:40 of hay it's me Investments you keep messing with me and it's going to be
77:41 messing with me and it's going to be called hey it was you you hear me you
77:44 called hey it was you you hear me you hear me okay you take that
77:52 back I believe we have a consensus follow dogbert's advice follow
77:55 consensus follow dogbert's advice follow dogbert's advice follow follow follow
77:58 dogbert's advice follow follow follow follow follow dog's advice we're off to
78:02 follow follow dog's advice we're off to spend the money Alice we have a
78:04 spend the money Alice we have a controlling interest in the company
78:06 controlling interest in the company we're both billionaires you'll be
78:07 we're both billionaires you'll be corrupted like the rest money is the
78:10 corrupted like the rest money is the root of all evil it eats you from the
78:12 root of all evil it eats you from the inside out until you die a slow and
78:14 inside out until you die a slow and lonely death I'll give you a billion
78:17 lonely death I'll give you a billion dollars in stock if you'll shut up deal
78:27 whatever you two did it boosted the stock to record highs you've made the
78:29 stock to record highs you've made the rich richer and given the chef to the
78:31 rich richer and given the chef to the small investors who bailed out too soon
78:34 small investors who bailed out too soon very evil good work thanks evil oh by
78:37 very evil good work thanks evil oh by the way there's a board meeting in half
78:38 the way there's a board meeting in half an hour as the company's major
78:39 an hour as the company's major stockholders it might be a good idea to
78:42 stockholders it might be a good idea to make an appearance for appearance sake
78:43 make an appearance for appearance sake will there be food food do the finest
78:46 will there be food food do the finest Donuts in the building sound like food
78:48 Donuts in the building sound like food to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert
78:51 to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert we've arrived
78:59 [Music] [Applause]
79:01 [Applause] hey Gilbert do I have anything here
79:04 hey Gilbert do I have anything here that's the only spot you don't have
79:05 that's the only spot you don't have anything don't you want to earn these
79:07 anything don't you want to earn these people's respect we are these people so
79:10 people's respect we are these people so we only have to earn our own respect do
79:12 we only have to earn our own respect do you respect me no do you respect
79:15 you respect me no do you respect yourself no do you respect me are you
79:18 yourself no do you respect me are you kidding do you respect yourself not
79:21 kidding do you respect yourself not really all right let's just be quiet
79:25 really all right let's just be quiet gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things
79:26 gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things started I know we all want to get back
79:28 started I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters now the first
79:30 to more pressing matters now the first item on the agenda is to welcome our
79:31 item on the agenda is to welcome our newest board members and as of this
79:33 newest board members and as of this morning actual majority owners of the
79:36 morning actual majority owners of the company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted
79:39 company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy
79:42 to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy mind if I play through go right ahead
80:04 I just wanted to say it's an honor to stand among such an esteemed and
80:07 stand among such an esteemed and August uh group and I hope Wally and I
80:11 August uh group and I hope Wally and I hey what's your handicap he doesn't know
80:13 hey what's your handicap he doesn't know when to shut
80:14 when to shut up doesn't know when to up oh you two
80:17 up doesn't know when to up oh you two are going to fit right in here and I'm
80:19 are going to fit right in here and I'm referring of course only to Wall-E next
80:22 referring of course only to Wall-E next order of business read back the minutes
80:24 order of business read back the minutes of the last meeting we gave each other
80:26 of the last meeting we gave each other stock options discussed ways to ignore
80:28 stock options discussed ways to ignore the needs of others and Hamilton had a
80:30 the needs of others and Hamilton had a racial joke thank you Bill now onto a
80:32 racial joke thank you Bill now onto a more pressing matter gentlemen and I say
80:35 more pressing matter gentlemen and I say gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a
80:37 gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a woman's going to sit on this board While
80:39 woman's going to sit on this board While I'm
80:41 I'm Alive what he was going to say was
80:44 Alive what he was going to say was apparently despite our best efforts the
80:46 apparently despite our best efforts the company is not losing money fast enough
80:49 company is not losing money fast enough excuse me did you just say the company
80:51 excuse me did you just say the company wasn't losing money fast enough jeez
80:53 wasn't losing money fast enough jeez Wally can't you rain this guy he's like
80:55 Wally can't you rain this guy he's like a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop
80:57 a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop embarrassing yourself if you read
80:59 embarrassing yourself if you read dogbert's book you'd know that a fast
81:01 dogbert's book you'd know that a fast growing company always loses money while
81:03 growing company always loses money while it's expanding we're not a fast growing
81:05 it's expanding we're not a fast growing company and we never will be if we don't
81:07 company and we never will be if we don't lose more money so uh suggestions on how
81:11 lose more money so uh suggestions on how we can lose money faster uh what if we
81:13 we can lose money faster uh what if we just well gave it to
81:20 me oh Wally you're a card this guy kills me next order of business we have to
81:23 me next order of business we have to select a new CEO as tradition dictates
81:26 select a new CEO as tradition dictates whosoever can remove this nine iron from
81:28 whosoever can remove this nine iron from the golf bag will be proclaimed chief
81:31 the golf bag will be proclaimed chief executive
81:32 executive [Music]
81:38 [Music] officer Wow first guy who tried just
81:41 officer Wow first guy who tried just like the other
81:48 times can I just say one thing yes but put his gag on
81:53 first can I just say one thing is it about golf not really not even
81:56 about golf not really not even peripherally no could you at least hold
81:58 peripherally no could you at least hold a golf club while you talk I guess so
82:02 a golf club while you talk I guess so Han a wedge
82:03 Han a wedge ra when I became a major stockholder of
82:06 ra when I became a major stockholder of this firm I felt it was my duty to
82:09 this firm I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale anyway I
82:11 improve employee morale anyway I searched my soul although I realized
82:13 searched my soul although I realized science doesn't accept its existence and
82:16 science doesn't accept its existence and I decided the best way to help the
82:17 I decided the best way to help the employees would be to introduce Flex
82:19 employees would be to introduce Flex time all in favor say
82:29 ah the resolution passes unanimously from now on all employees can make their
82:31 from now on all employees can make their own schedules you were a little too
82:33 own schedules you were a little too quick to
82:34 quick to agree I have my reasons chapter 8
82:38 agree I have my reasons chapter 8 screwing it
82:40 screwing it up Flex time you mean we can come and go
82:43 up Flex time you mean we can come and go as we please that's right from now on
82:46 as we please that's right from now on you're all masters of your own
82:55 [Music] I hope someone turned off the coffee
83:01 makers o this turned out even better than I expected you compassionate
83:03 than I expected you compassionate bastard you've ruined
83:08 [Applause] me
83:17 four they say no one ever faced death wishing they'd spent more time at the
83:20 wishing they'd spent more time at the office I guess I'm the first
83:28 Mother of Mercy take me home St Peter why hast Thou forsaken me because you
83:31 why hast Thou forsaken me because you were an atheist until you hit the
83:35 were an atheist until you hit the ground mental note next time find
83:38 ground mental note next time find religion
83:41 religion first welcome back we were talking about
83:44 first welcome back we were talking about rumors of the Takeover of the company
83:46 rumors of the Takeover of the company and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in
83:48 and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in share price following Dilbert's Flex
83:50 share price following Dilbert's Flex time announcement trailer I believe you
83:52 time announcement trailer I believe you had a few points
83:55 had a few points Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's
83:58 Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's burning it's burning so bad and not
84:01 burning it's burning so bad and not everyone would agree Esther apparently
84:03 everyone would agree Esther apparently you've spoken to officials at the
84:04 you've spoken to officials at the security Exchange Commission what do you
84:07 security Exchange Commission what do you see on the
84:12 horizon no I don't believe faces grow back but thanks and finally brownie the
84:14 back but thanks and finally brownie the bear is dead I want to thank animal
84:16 bear is dead I want to thank animal control for their quick action now I
84:19 control for their quick action now I have a stockholders meeting to attend
84:30 fortunately for me I am a long-term investor Mr chairman how can you explain
84:33 investor Mr chairman how can you explain the moves you've made that seem to be
84:34 the moves you've made that seem to be deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic
84:36 deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic Management Incorporated and send the
84:38 Management Incorporated and send the stock plummeting I don't have to answer
84:41 stock plummeting I don't have to answer to you of course you do we're the
84:43 to you of course you do we're the shareholders still you should have sold
84:46 shareholders still you should have sold hours ago it's all in my book on sale in
84:48 hours ago it's all in my book on sale in the lobby buy a copy as they kick you
84:50 the lobby buy a copy as they kick you out
84:57 I've owned a share of this company since my dear blessed Father rest his soul in
85:00 my dear blessed Father rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on
85:02 the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on to me on his deathbed you only own one
85:05 to me on his deathbed you only own one share of stock don't interrupt me I
85:08 share of stock don't interrupt me I would like to know why the company
85:10 would like to know why the company stopped making those lovely biscuits
85:12 stopped making those lovely biscuits with the pink sugar icing in the middle
85:14 with the pink sugar icing in the middle well I never care for them myself but
85:17 well I never care for them myself but they were my dear sweet father's
85:19 they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat every night he'd
85:22 favorite bedtime treat every night he'd pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky
85:24 pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits
85:26 scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits until he collapsed on the kitchen floor
85:28 until he collapsed on the kitchen floor screaming for his insulin and then
85:30 screaming for his insulin and then mother would put it in a tissue box and
85:32 mother would put it in a tissue box and bury it in the backyard okay we're just
85:35 bury it in the backyard okay we're just about out of time here I'm not finished
85:36 about out of time here I'm not finished your filthy
85:38 your filthy little over you'll be dragging back a
85:41 little over you'll be dragging back a bloody by the way as of this moment the
85:44 bloody by the way as of this moment the stock is worth about 610 of a cent
85:47 stock is worth about 610 of a cent anybody who wants to get out before
85:48 anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10
85:51 being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10 of a cent per share
85:59 Wally what should we do Wally you boys really screwed up a good thing now that
86:01 really screwed up a good thing now that my filthy riches are gone I'm just
86:03 my filthy riches are gone I'm just filthy nobody wants that
86:06 filthy nobody wants that nobody Wally where have you been I had
86:09 nobody Wally where have you been I had to transact some business wow that was
86:11 to transact some business wow that was exciting that buying frenzy sent the
86:14 exciting that buying frenzy sent the stock back up to a new all-time high
86:16 stock back up to a new all-time high buying frenzy I thought it was a selling
86:17 buying frenzy I thought it was a selling frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we
86:21 frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we didn't sell we're still the majority
86:23 didn't sell we're still the majority shareholders and we're billionaires
86:25 shareholders and we're billionaires again we're hanging in there right Wally
86:26 again we're hanging in there right Wally old buddy I sold everything while the
86:29 old buddy I sold everything while the old lady was belly aching w-e it was in
86:32 old lady was belly aching w-e it was in the book that's right it's all in the
86:34 the book that's right it's all in the last chapter congratulations you're
86:37 last chapter congratulations you're broke well I'm glad I didn't sell
86:39 broke well I'm glad I didn't sell actually you did you ought to change the
86:41 actually you did you ought to change the password on your brokerage account this
86:43 password on your brokerage account this sort of thing wouldn't
86:45 sort of thing wouldn't happen if everyone sold their stock I
86:49 happen if everyone sold their stock I wonder who bought it all
86:51 wonder who bought it all [Music]
87:01 wow there's no traffic yeah that Flex time really works so now that you own
87:03 time really works so now that you own the company what are you going to do oh
87:04 the company what are you going to do oh I guess you haven't heard
87:07 I guess you haven't heard what
87:09 what K music Mak you D okay ow we're so
87:15 K music Mak you D okay ow we're so distorted you can't even tell what I'm
87:24 saying I changed the pr I can see
87:25 I can see that ah here we go and in business news
87:29 that ah here we go and in business news it's official entrepreneur investment
87:31 it's official entrepreneur investment Guru dogbert has sold his controlling
87:32 Guru dogbert has sold his controlling interest in dog bird Incorporated for
87:34 interest in dog bird Incorporated for $100
87:35 $100 billion not quite that much there's no
87:38 billion not quite that much there's no word on what the new company will be
87:39 word on what the new company will be named Hey look
88:09 oh You Haven't Seen the Last of Me buddy reset my radio haunt you down I will not
88:12 reset my radio haunt you down I will not rest until I see you offer for what
88:15 rest until I see you offer for what you've done to me I will nightmare you
88:17 you've done to me I will nightmare you you
88:32 [Music] [Applause]
88:34 [Applause] [Music]
88:47 [Music] H let's see name dog BT height varies
88:54 H let's see name dog BT height varies depending on my speed relative to The
88:56 depending on my speed relative to The Observer wait is a sensation caused by
89:00 Observer wait is a sensation caused by the gravitational warping of space
89:04 the gravitational warping of space time age H according to Einstein time is
89:09 time age H according to Einstein time is merely a persistant illusion take that
89:12 merely a persistant illusion take that what are you doing I'm applying for a
89:14 what are you doing I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle I think a lot
89:16 slot on the space shuttle I think a lot of these are trick questions what
89:18 of these are trick questions what qualifications do you have to fly on the
89:20 qualifications do you have to fly on the space shuttle none but strangely enough
89:22 space shuttle none but strangely enough that doesn't disqualify me
89:24 that doesn't disqualify me [Music]
89:27 [Music] that's it I think I've done it that's
89:30 that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street no I've been
89:33 not the word on the street no I've been trying to achieve the perfect ratio of
89:35 trying to achieve the perfect ratio of mango flavored hyper juice to Water by
89:37 mango flavored hyper juice to Water by shining a laser through it and measuring
89:39 shining a laser through it and measuring its absorption rate I think I've done it
89:42 its absorption rate I think I've done it there's one small nothing for mankind
89:44 there's one small nothing for mankind have you tried following the directions
89:45 have you tried following the directions on the back
89:48 on the back [Music]
90:00 ow now look what you did I think you better put that
90:03 did I think you better put that [Music]
90:05 [Music] away what's really bothering you nothing
90:09 away what's really bothering you nothing something's bothering you no it's not
90:11 something's bothering you no it's not come on no really spit it out oh all
90:15 come on no really spit it out oh all right if you must know wow sometimes I
90:18 right if you must know wow sometimes I amaze
90:19 amaze myself today we start the most
90:21 myself today we start the most frustrating phase of product development
90:23 frustrating phase of product development test the Prototype ah so you're riddled
90:26 test the Prototype ah so you're riddled with insecurities about your performance
90:28 with insecurities about your performance no maybe you should be the test engineer
90:32 no maybe you should be the test engineer assigned to my prototype is a legend his
90:34 assigned to my prototype is a legend his name is Bob bastard oh you better throw
90:37 name is Bob bastard oh you better throw in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot
90:39 in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot of time working on this product the
90:41 of time working on this product the gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though
90:44 gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though it Bears no resemblance to what I
90:46 it Bears no resemblance to what I originally
90:47 originally conceived are you listening to any of
90:49 conceived are you listening to any of this you conceived a baby but it Bears
90:51 this you conceived a baby but it Bears no resemblance to
90:52 no resemblance to you
90:55 you peer here drink
91:25 ch [Music]
91:54 [Applause] [Music]
92:17 [Music] Dilbert I want you to know I have the
92:19 Dilbert I want you to know I have the utmost confidence in you and your team
92:21 utmost confidence in you and your team you do I do what never mind
92:24 you do I do what never mind hi guys sorry I'm
92:32 late I stopped off at Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with
92:35 Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with the mask yeah I've got to ask him where
92:38 the mask yeah I've got to ask him where he bought it it's so sad what
92:48 mask I believe you're on fire oh you got that right what a showoff can't he just
92:51 that right what a showoff can't he just walk in the door like everybody else
92:54 walk in the door like everybody else Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with
92:58 Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with sugar boss decaf with equal
93:03 sugar boss decaf with equal Alice Cafe
93:18 you it's nice to meet you Mr bastard my father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee
93:22 father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my
93:27 for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my head's ready to
93:35 explode Dilbert slurping is so rude but it's hot I hate slurping that's what
93:38 it's hot I hate slurping that's what broke up my marriage if you ever do that
93:39 broke up my marriage if you ever do that in front of me again I will throw that
93:41 in front of me again I will throw that hot coffee in your face and you can
93:42 hot coffee in your face and you can slurp it through your pores you hear me
93:44 slurp it through your pores you hear me do you
93:47 do you whoa as if I could slurp through my
93:49 whoa as if I could slurp through my pores well now that that's all settled
93:53 pores well now that that's all settled let the testing
93:55 let the testing [Laughter]
93:58 [Laughter] [Music]
94:08 begin first the rock and roll test to determine the prototype's ability to
94:10 determine the prototype's ability to withstand differing levels of seismic
94:18 activity I tell you Bob you're like a celebrity around here grotesque and evil
94:20 celebrity around here grotesque and evil yet famous and surprisingly polite de a
94:23 yet famous and surprisingly polite de a golf excuse me I'm working the man is
94:45 working have you heard their last CD wild stuff
95:09 maybe it's me but I just don't see it's you
95:33 [Laughter] sorry my friends but it's better to find
95:35 sorry my friends but it's better to find the problems now than to send a
95:36 the problems now than to send a defective product into the market to
95:39 defective product into the market to shatter the lives of innocent
95:42 shatter the lives of innocent people well it's a gray
95:58 he's like a wounded bird a vulture but still that's a
95:59 still that's a [Music]
96:20 [Music] bird you're going into space good
96:23 bird you're going into space good observation potato boy I'll send you a
96:25 observation potato boy I'll send you a postcard I don't think you can send a
96:26 postcard I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space Oh it can be
96:28 postcard from outer space Oh it can be done but you might see a little jump in
96:30 done but you might see a little jump in your next tax bill what are you planning
96:32 your next tax bill what are you planning on doing with my
96:34 on doing with my laser did you know there no laws in
96:58 a little to the left no uh a little to the right now a
97:02 left no uh a little to the right now a little to the left my left or your left
97:05 little to the left my left or your left what's the difference my left is your
97:07 what's the difference my left is your right and your right is my left just put
97:10 right and your right is my left just put it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E
97:12 it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E could you give me a hey Bob how's it
97:14 could you give me a hey Bob how's it going Wall-E he called me w-e that's
97:18 going Wall-E he called me w-e that's your name there's no call for bitterness
97:27 I'm not worried this prototype is designed to withstand temperatures up to
97:28 designed to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 de wow that's almost enough to
97:32 5,000 de wow that's almost enough to boil
97:33 boil [Music]
97:46 water I know you Alice you push people away afraid they might see you as you
97:49 away afraid they might see you as you really are you scare me Bob you scare
97:52 really are you scare me Bob you scare the pesas out of me but in a good way
97:56 the pesas out of me but in a good way hold that thought babe let me destroy a
97:58 hold that thought babe let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to
98:00 dream and I'll get right back to you I will now subject the prototype to
98:03 you I will now subject the prototype to the next phase of Environmental
98:07 the next phase of Environmental Testing exposure to extreme
98:10 Testing exposure to extreme [Music]
98:33 yes yes did you see that dber did you see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or
98:36 see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or some other strange growths would anyone
98:39 some other strange growths would anyone like to join me in a toast to
98:46 failure to failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my
98:49 failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my cubicle dangling from a power strip all
98:52 cubicle dangling from a power strip all right
98:54 right good for you the astronauts now
98:55 good for you the astronauts now approaching the module looking Natty and
98:58 approaching the module looking Natty and spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey
99:00 spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out
99:03 there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out of change I'll get you on the way back
99:06 of change I'll get you on the way back wait a minute that's my
99:08 wait a minute that's my wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not
99:12 wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not doing anything why are you dressed like
99:14 doing anything why are you dressed like that I'm not dressed like that you're
99:16 that I'm not dressed like that you're trying to look like him don't be
99:17 trying to look like him don't be ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob
99:20 ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob bastard imitation clothes are in the
99:21 bastard imitation clothes are in the laundry this is all I have left what
99:23 laundry this is all I have left what just happened to you are you in Bob
99:25 just happened to you are you in Bob bastard's camp now he has a camp
99:29 bastard's camp now he has a camp cool why do I try I think we make a
99:34 cool why do I try I think we make a terrific couple Alice you really think
99:36 terrific couple Alice you really think so no I'm just toying with your
99:39 so no I'm just toying with your emotions since I caught you in such a
99:41 emotions since I caught you in such a good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks
99:44 good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks another 50 oh forget it if you're going
99:47 another 50 oh forget it if you're going to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see
99:49 to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see you around no wait okay here
99:53 you around no wait okay here make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up
99:56 make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up for a new mask what do you mean you're
99:58 for a new mask what do you mean you're changing your name well seriously don't
100:00 changing your name well seriously don't you think it sounds good Wally bastard
100:03 you think it sounds good Wally bastard have you lost your mind you're worse
100:05 have you lost your mind you're worse than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set
100:09 than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set on destroying everything we hold dear
100:11 on destroying everything we hold dear here's my dress my
100:13 here's my dress my purse anything else yeah how about your
100:16 purse anything else yeah how about your car and your
100:18 car and your shoes
100:20 shoes okay can you give me a ride home
100:24 okay can you give me a ride home if the risk of sounding critical a
100:26 if the risk of sounding critical a little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're
100:28 little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're right see you tomorrow you're
100:30 right see you tomorrow you're suffocating me
100:37 Alice how come you gave Bob your car stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had
100:38 stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had just about enough of you trashing Bob
100:40 just about enough of you trashing Bob bastard he is not a bad man well he is
100:43 bastard he is not a bad man well he is but that's what makes him so
100:50 sexy I'm sorry Alice but he's the embodiment of all that's horrid and
100:52 embodiment of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world
100:53 loathsome in this world just because it's written on a bathroom
100:55 just because it's written on a bathroom wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it
100:58 wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it hey babe how about lending me a five
101:02 hey babe how about lending me a five sure works every
101:11 [Music] time oh sure we've been in touch with
101:13 time oh sure we've been in touch with Advanced alien Civilizations for years
101:15 Advanced alien Civilizations for years yeah they've opened their Laboratories
101:17 yeah they've opened their Laboratories to us any technology we
101:19 to us any technology we want hey hey how you
101:22 want hey hey how you doing Excuse
101:25 doing Excuse me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look
101:30 me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look this isn't a very good time I'm learning
101:32 this isn't a very good time I'm learning all the secrets of the universe hey guys
101:34 all the secrets of the universe hey guys would you keep it down I'm on long
101:36 would you keep it down I'm on long distance well here's one for you why do
101:38 distance well here's one for you why do women see the fact that I'm kind
101:40 women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of
101:41 sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see
101:43 weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later
101:45 where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of
101:48 fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact
101:50 cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate
101:51 that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury
101:52 child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury dope
101:53 dope boy oh that had to that's a good one
101:57 boy oh that had to that's a good one that was
101:57 that was [Music]
102:03 [Music] cold do you have a moment I don't know
102:08 cold do you have a moment I don't know have you heard something I need to talk
102:10 have you heard something I need to talk to someone and believe me no one else is
102:13 to someone and believe me no one else is around oh well in that case I'll be
102:16 around oh well in that case I'll be heading out it's kind of important
102:18 heading out it's kind of important uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called
102:20 uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called you in here is I can't decide which of
102:22 you in here is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits to keep on my
102:24 these lovely portraits to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed what
102:27 desk and which to hang over my bed what do you
102:29 do you think the I'm a free spirit who blows
102:32 think the I'm a free spirit who blows With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a
102:36 With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a sadistic nightmare who will watch over
102:38 sadistic nightmare who will watch over you as your sleep B bastard I sort of
102:41 you as your sleep B bastard I sort of like the first one
102:43 like the first one really well thanks for coming in dobert
102:46 really well thanks for coming in dobert but I I really need some time to myself
102:47 but I I really need some time to myself to think then meditate
103:15 is there something I can help you with how did you end up such a sadistic
103:16 how did you end up such a sadistic bastard
103:18 bastard anyway part of it has to do with the
103:20 anyway part of it has to do with the name but
103:25 there's more I wasn't always the bitter and
103:28 more I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man you see before
103:31 disfigured man you see before you I was born Robert child ber out
103:34 you I was born Robert child ber out wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents
103:36 wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents changed it to bastard when I was
103:38 changed it to bastard when I was three there was a time when my peers
103:41 three there was a time when my peers considered me a courteous and affable
103:43 considered me a courteous and affable test
103:44 test [Music]
103:51 [Music] engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing
103:55 engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing something doofus thanks I was
103:59 something doofus thanks I was wondering if you're not busy after work
104:01 wondering if you're not busy after work do you want to go see escape from the
104:02 do you want to go see escape from the plan of the Apes you're asking me
104:11 out and as if that wasn't painful enough she told all her friends
104:32 I told you not to leave that there I was devastated and the world has never been
104:35 devastated and the world has never been the
104:36 the same somehow shattering people's hopes
104:39 same somehow shattering people's hopes and dreams felt good it felt
104:41 and dreams felt good it felt right and it wasn't without its
104:45 right and it wasn't without its perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the
104:49 perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the Apes Marathon over at my house care to
104:51 Apes Marathon over at my house care to join us oh yeah who's going to be there
104:54 join us oh yeah who's going to be there just me and a girlfriend who's very open
104:56 just me and a girlfriend who's very open to
104:57 to experimentation as you can see I'm
104:59 experimentation as you can see I'm simply the victim of society I can't
105:02 simply the victim of society I can't escape who I am any more than I can
105:05 escape who I am any more than I can escape my
105:14 [Music] shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur
105:18 shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of
105:21 SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time
105:23 your valuable time see you at the test site bring your
105:25 see you at the test site bring your safety
105:27 safety [Laughter]
105:30 [Laughter] goggles look I've worked very hard
105:33 goggles look I've worked very hard seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to
105:35 seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to this Final Phase of testing and I just
105:37 this Final Phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself now
105:40 want to say how proud I am of myself now if we can just get rid of that Chunk on
105:42 if we can just get rid of that Chunk on the field maybe we can start the tests
105:45 the field maybe we can start the tests uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really
105:48 uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really it's so big welcome to the final round
105:51 it's so big welcome to the final round of testing and the M of the grunt Master
106:05 6000 here you go Bob you'll want this for the trip tonight's test will be the
106:09 for the trip tonight's test will be the asteroid crash simulation test
106:13 asteroid crash simulation test [Music]
106:17 [Music] oh just out of curiosity how often does
106:20 oh just out of curiosity how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine a
106:23 an asteroid hit an exercise machine a hit my
106:24 hit my StairMaster that's why I don't exercise
106:26 StairMaster that's why I don't exercise anymore
106:27 anymore [Music]
106:53 [Music] please deposit
106:55 please deposit $4,5
106:57 $4,5 7520
107:05 now what dog bir an asteroid is hurdling towards Earth and that would affect me
107:07 towards Earth and that would affect me how it's Bob bastard's final test it's
107:10 how it's Bob bastard's final test it's aimed at the gruntmaster in a few
107:12 aimed at the gruntmaster in a few minutes the Prototype will be destroyed
107:14 minutes the Prototype will be destroyed along with any chance of me being happy
107:16 along with any chance of me being happy there's a lot about you in this story
107:18 there's a lot about you in this story help
107:19 help me my a minute
107:24 me my a minute [Music]
107:39 [Music] please God help me crack this safe okay
107:43 please God help me crack this safe okay let's
107:56 see H Maybe uh here to the left you won't even feel the laser on your
107:58 won't even feel the laser on your [Music]
108:00 [Music] cornea now that is
108:03 cornea now that is embarrassing okay it's cited now where
108:06 embarrassing okay it's cited now where is that
108:25 asteroid we did it we're home free when you take the bandages off
108:27 free when you take the bandages off don't rip them off or he'll turn into a
108:29 don't rip them off or he'll turn into a charred
108:36 skeleton someday I'll look back at this and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's
108:40 and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's safe snug is a
108:47 bug when you want something done you have to do it yourself operate manual
108:51 have to do it yourself operate manual overdrive I was afraid of that let's see
108:55 overdrive I was afraid of that let's see I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft
108:57 I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft to get it out of the target
108:59 to get it out of the target [Music]
109:06 [Music] Zone let's rock Alice help me push this
109:10 Zone let's rock Alice help me push this thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean
109:14 thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean he wouldn't like
109:16 he wouldn't like that dber it wasn't me look
109:26 oh slurping gives me such great pleasure and the fact that Alice hates it arouses
109:29 and the fact that Alice hates it arouses [Music]
109:31 [Music] me bastard now will you help me push
109:35 me bastard now will you help me push this
109:36 this [Music]
109:41 [Music] thing oh
109:53 Poo it would be wrong to Simply stamp the Prototype approved
110:05 wow I have got to get me one of these space
110:07 space shuttles I just had the darn thing
110:17 [Applause] washed don't worry guys I won't say a
110:19 washed don't worry guys I won't say a word about the immortality serum so
110:22 word about the immortality serum so you're
110:23 you're welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed
110:26 welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have
110:28 me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I
110:31 done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely
110:34 wasn't me and everything was completely different hey Bob how's it going shut up
110:38 different hey Bob how's it going shut up Bob Bob yes Alice where's my car
110:55 y [Music]
111:32 do you think normal people pack suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a
111:35 suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a normal person that's a lot of clothes
111:36 normal person that's a lot of clothes just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia
111:38 just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas
111:40 it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas manufacturing facility look at the
111:43 manufacturing facility look at the company
111:44 company newsletter see they're all
111:46 newsletter see they're all smiling and your assignment is to make
111:48 smiling and your assignment is to make them stop if you must know my team's
111:51 them stop if you must know my team's being sent there to oversee quality
111:52 being sent there to oversee quality control on the production of my pride
111:54 control on the production of my pride and joy the gruntmaster
111:56 and joy the gruntmaster 6000 well while you're there maybe you
111:58 6000 well while you're there maybe you can help them develop a written language
112:00 can help them develop a written language you're living in the past my furry
112:02 you're living in the past my furry friend capitalism has transformed
112:04 friend capitalism has transformed elbonia the economy is burgeoning
112:07 elbonia the economy is burgeoning nothing like slave labor to perk up the
112:10 nothing like slave labor to perk up the [Music]
112:12 [Music] economy they're making many
112:14 economy they're making many advances for instance did you realize
112:17 advances for instance did you realize the leading cause of death in alonia is
112:19 the leading cause of death in alonia is no longer black
112:21 no longer black plague oh really what
112:24 plague oh really what is here we go it's self-inflicted
112:27 is here we go it's self-inflicted gunshot wounds must be a
112:36 typo excuse [Music]
112:38 [Music] me what are you doing I'm rattling the
112:41 me what are you doing I'm rattling the cans people expect it can I ask you a
112:45 cans people expect it can I ask you a question as long as it's Refuge related
112:47 question as long as it's Refuge related oh it is what are the odds that dilber
112:49 oh it is what are the odds that dilber can visit a factory in elbonia and
112:51 can visit a factory in elbonia and return alive
112:53 return alive oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he
112:57 oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he
113:00 flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he uses the bathroom in the plane that's
113:02 uses the bathroom in the plane that's about what I figured Dilbert's only hope
113:04 about what I figured Dilbert's only hope is to remain objective and ignore the
113:05 is to remain objective and ignore the plight of the elbonian people if he or
113:08 plight of the elbonian people if he or any member of his team gets involved in
113:10 any member of his team gets involved in their Internal Affairs or
113:11 their Internal Affairs or culture well I'd rather not think about
113:20 it that's a problem he likes to fix things well in that case you'll need the
113:22 things well in that case you'll need the help of someone who's incapable of
113:24 help of someone who's incapable of sympathy someone so cynical that the
113:26 sympathy someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a
113:28 suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment all right
113:30 source of cheap entertainment all right I'll go I have something that might help
113:35 I'll go I have something that might help you
113:43 here by the way what's the weather like in alonia this time of year why are you
113:46 in alonia this time of year why are you so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I
113:49 so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I have my
113:51 have my reasons h
113:53 reasons h a license to Kill it's better we can
113:56 a license to Kill it's better we can steal too
113:58 steal too [Music]
114:28 [Music] [Applause]
114:46 [Applause] [Music]
115:17 elbonian enjoy skiing all year round except when they're sipping hot totties
115:19 except when they're sipping hot totties at the Chalet
115:21 at the Chalet cheers then it Surfs Up along one of
115:24 cheers then it Surfs Up along one of elbonia many pristine beaches awesome
115:28 elbonia many pristine beaches awesome dude you'll find five of the seven Great
115:31 dude you'll find five of the seven Great Wonders of the World all within easy
115:33 Wonders of the World all within easy access by shuttle bus and when you're
115:36 access by shuttle bus and when you're done the whole family can relax at our
115:38 done the whole family can relax at our world famous casinos and don't forget
115:41 world famous casinos and don't forget mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in
115:45 mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in elbonia we never close and so from Sunny
115:50 elbonia we never close and so from Sunny snowy culturally enriched onia we bid
115:53 snowy culturally enriched onia we bid you Tata that's elbonian for
115:57 you Tata that's elbonian for Tata how the heck does this thing work
116:00 Tata how the heck does this thing work where's the needle there is no needle no
116:04 where's the needle there is no needle no wonder I can't turn it
116:13 off yes he's not here was it for me no are you sure elbonia is the best place
116:15 are you sure elbonia is the best place to take my vacation have I ever lied to
116:18 to take my vacation have I ever lied to you and later been detected when I went
116:20 you and later been detected when I went to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as
116:22 to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as much of the water as I could that's the
116:24 much of the water as I could that's the exception that proves the rule that what
116:27 exception that proves the rule that what that is I'll book your flight to alonia
116:30 that is I'll book your flight to alonia thank you when you get there remember to
116:32 thank you when you get there remember to wear lots of jewelry and walk around
116:34 wear lots of jewelry and walk around alone at
116:35 alone at [Music]
116:48 night isn't this exciting I said isn't this exciting I
116:51 exciting I said isn't this exciting I couldn't hear he you I was listening to
116:53 couldn't hear he you I was listening to the audio program the sound of
117:00 screaming I don't know why it takes three of us to inspect one elbonian
117:03 three of us to inspect one elbonian Factory we're a team besides I thought
117:05 Factory we're a team besides I thought you like getting out of the office you
117:07 you like getting out of the office you don't know me as well as you think this
117:10 don't know me as well as you think this is the first time I've ever flown first
117:12 is the first time I've ever flown first class kind of spoils you I feel sorry
117:14 class kind of spoils you I feel sorry for those people in
117:16 for those people in [Music]
117:18 [Music] coach I wonder what the movie is
117:22 coach I wonder what the movie is [Applause]
117:37 that is our notorious prison of No Escape and that is our world famous
117:39 Escape and that is our world famous Health
117:44 spot I don't know why but I feel a mystical connection to this
117:48 mystical connection to this place mud pie good
117:51 place mud pie good [Music]
118:03 the mud is calling me I'll see you [Music]
118:08 [Music] later we're here where welcome to the
118:12 later we're here where welcome to the hotel Elon
118:15 hotel Elon [Music]
118:28 sorry you can't park there diplomatic immunity my
118:29 immunity my friend now tear up the
118:32 friend now tear up the ticket now eat it now regurgitate
118:37 ticket now eat it now regurgitate it good wow just because you're a
118:40 it good wow just because you're a diplomat you can park anywhere you want
118:42 diplomat you can park anywhere you want that's nothing watch this gun
118:53 [Music] now dance for your Diplomat
118:56 now dance for your Diplomat [Music]
118:57 [Music] Dance Now River
118:59 Dance Now River [Music]
119:03 [Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to
119:06 Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied
119:08 alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco
119:11 for the job this isn't exactly Monaco diplomatic
119:12 diplomatic [Music]
119:21 immunity with all due respect the natives in my country are A Primitive
119:23 natives in my country are A Primitive and superstitious people they believe
119:26 and superstitious people they believe that every time you take their picture
119:28 that every time you take their picture you take their soul gotcha smile oh what
119:32 you take their soul gotcha smile oh what did I just tell you hey
119:35 did I just tell you hey hi what an oddl looking people it's us
119:39 hi what an oddl looking people it's us from work remember if only I spoke your
119:42 from work remember if only I spoke your language do you know where the pool is
119:45 language do you know where the pool is the pool swimmy
119:48 the pool swimmy swimmy ignorant logs
119:52 swimmy ignorant logs [Music]
119:55 [Music] wow the grunt Master
119:58 wow the grunt Master 6000 that's the first one off the
120:00 6000 that's the first one off the assembly
120:02 assembly line my
120:04 line my [Music]
120:08 [Music] prototype and this is where we house the
120:12 prototype and this is where we house the generators that power the
120:14 generators that power the factory as you can see incentive
120:16 factory as you can see incentive programs motivate our workers to put
120:19 programs motivate our workers to put forth their best efforts why don't they
120:21 forth their best efforts why don't they get off the B goes and walk around to
120:22 get off the B goes and walk around to get the pork
120:24 get the pork chop shut up that's crazy talk don't
120:27 chop shut up that's crazy talk don't listen to
120:29 listen to her these working conditions are
120:31 her these working conditions are appalling our appalling working
120:33 appalling our appalling working conditions are second to
120:36 conditions are second to none and over here is where the main
120:39 none and over here is where the main housing for the grunt Master is
120:48 forged shouldn't there be a guard rail around that guard
120:50 around that guard rail what is this in amusement park hey
120:54 rail what is this in amusement park hey you stupid lazy lefties shows over back
120:57 you stupid lazy lefties shows over back to work lefties yes of course that's all
121:01 to work lefties yes of course that's all they're good for if it wasn't for the
121:03 they're good for if it wasn't for the right man these lefties would have
121:05 right man these lefties would have nothing they'd still be sitting in the
121:07 nothing they'd still be sitting in the mud right people founded this country we
121:10 mud right people founded this country we built this country up from small mud
121:13 built this country up from small mud hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this
121:16 hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this country V it is God bless right elbon so
121:19 country V it is God bless right elbon so where do all the right people work in
121:26 management and this is where the grunt Master is actually
121:29 Master is actually [Music]
121:41 assembled as you can see our daycare facilities are second to
121:44 facilities are second to none
121:47 none oh you can't put babies to work on an
121:50 oh you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not the babies
121:53 assembly line these are not the babies the toddlers oh you're coming home with
121:57 the toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children
122:00 me I didn't know you wanted children Alice it didn't until this
122:03 Alice it didn't until this moment how about
122:09 now are those people dead technically yes but that's no excuse get to work you
122:13 yes but that's no excuse get to work you lazy
122:14 lazy corpse I've never seen anything so
122:16 corpse I've never seen anything so barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it
122:19 barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it we have an excellent benefits plan like
122:21 we have an excellent benefits plan like what if you die you get time off to
122:23 what if you die you get time off to attend your funeral that's it and the
122:25 attend your funeral that's it and the salary of five grobnik a month that's
122:28 salary of five grobnik a month that's less than a penny I beg your pardon it's
122:30 less than a penny I beg your pardon it's much less than a penny our motto is that
122:33 much less than a penny our motto is that work is its own
122:36 work is its own [Music]
122:45 [Music] reward here you go little fella open
122:48 reward here you go little fella open wide
122:50 wide [Music]
122:56 we've got to do something about the factory conditions I'd love to help but
122:58 factory conditions I'd love to help but I've got a baby to take care of all
123:01 I've got a baby to take care of all right I just don't want to okay so as I
123:04 right I just don't want to okay so as I was saying your Excellency we're very
123:06 was saying your Excellency we're very proud to have the grunt Master Built in
123:08 proud to have the grunt Master Built in alonia but the working conditions in the
123:10 alonia but the working conditions in the factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've
123:14 factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've never heard of that word uncontable no
123:17 never heard of that word uncontable no heinous
123:20 heinous mm-m h
123:23 mm-m h [Music]
123:25 [Music] what you seem to lean left my
123:36 friend check [Music]
123:47 [Music] please the ancient barrial lumps are
123:50 please the ancient barrial lumps are closed I'm not here for the tour I'm
123:52 closed I'm not here for the tour I'm looting diplomatic
123:55 looting diplomatic immunity oh have a nice
124:04 day I can't believe no one wanted this job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights
124:07 job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and then naturally there was a ton of
124:10 and then naturally there was a ton of mud and that's the story of Noah's
124:14 mud and that's the story of Noah's mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden
124:17 mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden of mud w-e I need your help old helpful
124:21 of mud w-e I need your help old helpful Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore
124:22 Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am
124:26 Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am one with the mud I am the mud the mud is
124:30 one with the mud I am the mud the mud is me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally
124:33 me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally and it's all the same from mud I came
124:36 and it's all the same from mud I came and to mud I have returned you came from
124:40 and to mud I have returned you came from mud I don't know whatever Wally you
124:42 mud I don't know whatever Wally you can't spend your life in the mud
124:44 can't spend your life in the mud surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert
124:47 surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert there's no right and wrong just shades
124:49 there's no right and wrong just shades of brown
124:51 of brown [Music]
124:54 [Music] have you filled out the forms
125:04 yes uh-oh what it says here that you are right-handed so the official alboni and
125:07 right-handed so the official alboni and adoption policy does not permit mixed
125:09 adoption policy does not permit mixed arm preference adoptions it is not fair
125:11 arm preference adoptions it is not fair to the child I switch hit and softball
125:14 to the child I switch hit and softball let's hope that's
125:16 let's hope that's [Music]
125:17 [Music] enough now fil the out
125:22 enough now fil the out [Music]
125:33 [Music] hi don't mind me we are the elbonian
125:36 hi don't mind me we are the elbonian left-handed Liberation Front and slow
125:38 left-handed Liberation Front and slow pitch softball team maybe we should talk
125:41 pitch softball team maybe we should talk I think that's what we're doing I mean
125:44 I think that's what we're doing I mean we should talk about your working
125:45 we should talk about your working conditions we can talk during the break
125:48 conditions we can talk during the break when's that
125:54 there it is how can you work like this why don't you demand better working
125:56 why don't you demand better working conditions what can we do the world is
125:58 conditions what can we do the world is stacked against the left-handed people
126:00 stacked against the left-handed people the books are right-handed the staplers
126:02 the books are right-handed the staplers are right-handed the discs tape bottles
126:04 are right-handed the discs tape bottles phones I'm pretty sure you can use any
126:06 phones I'm pretty sure you can use any of those things with either hand that's
126:08 of those things with either hand that's what they want you to think you know if
126:10 what they want you to think you know if you're going to change anything you're
126:11 you're going to change anything you're going to have to
126:13 going to have to organize now you've lost us you know
126:16 organize now you've lost us you know form a union it's called collective
126:18 form a union it's called collective bargaining if your demands aren't met
126:20 bargaining if your demands aren't met you forget about that no you strike you
126:24 you forget about that no you strike you refuse to work until you get better
126:26 refuse to work until you get better [Music]
126:28 [Music] conditions we'll do it we'll follow your
126:31 conditions we'll do it we'll follow your leadership and
126:32 leadership and strike and when the righties execute you
126:35 strike and when the righties execute you we will make small plastic statues in
126:37 we will make small plastic statues in your
126:38 your likeness look at them look at them
126:40 likeness look at them look at them slaving away like Pac mules this will
126:42 slaving away like Pac mules this will make a great shot hey everybody wave at
126:45 make a great shot hey everybody wave at the camera
126:58 [Music] okay you know I'm standing right in
127:00 okay you know I'm standing right in front of you okay here's my final offer
127:04 front of you okay here's my final offer designated smoke brakes for anyone who
127:06 designated smoke brakes for anyone who catches fire take it or leave it that's
127:09 catches fire take it or leave it that's an insult these people are dedicated
127:11 an insult these people are dedicated committed serious they're not going to
127:14 committed serious they're not going to cave in no matter how much pressure is
127:16 cave in no matter how much pressure is brought to bear they will not return to
127:18 brought to bear they will not return to work until their demands are met arrest
127:20 work until their demands are met arrest him okay back to
127:24 him okay back to [Music]
127:27 [Music] work you will be read your rights given
127:30 work you will be read your rights given a fair trial then
127:32 a fair trial then executed on second thought since we have
127:35 executed on second thought since we have no rights and we have no courts let's go
127:37 no rights and we have no courts let's go to the execution Bob yes
127:40 to the execution Bob yes Excellency they're ready they Aim
127:58 the execution of Dilbert will continue after these messages hello every day
128:02 after these messages hello every day alboni and babies go completely unshaven
128:04 alboni and babies go completely unshaven simply because they are left-handed
128:06 simply because they are left-handed won't you please stop
128:08 won't you please stop it stop it cute aren't
128:12 it stop it cute aren't they for only one grub Nick a day let me
128:16 they for only one grub Nick a day let me see that there now it's gone forever
128:21 see that there now it's gone forever [Applause]
128:28 that's it you're on your own um send your grubiks to shave the children PO
128:31 your grubiks to shave the children PO Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up
128:36 Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up the old ways are the best ways okay
128:40 the old ways are the best ways okay Dilbert this time we're ready for you no
128:43 Dilbert this time we're ready for you no tricks no one survives the giant
128:47 tricks no one survives the giant mudball I did shut up move bit out of
128:52 mudball I did shut up move bit out of the way Diplomat coming Licensed to
128:55 the way Diplomat coming Licensed to Kill diplomatic immunity that's right
128:59 Kill diplomatic immunity that's right now give me your clothes
129:01 now give me your clothes bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've
129:04 bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've decided to make a few changes around
129:06 decided to make a few changes around here and make no mistake about it these
129:08 here and make no mistake about it these are changes for change sake he's free
129:12 are changes for change sake he's free and all the workers demands are hereby
129:14 and all the workers demands are hereby met
129:22 [Music] we're free free at last a sweet
129:34 [Music] Freedom good to see
129:37 Freedom good to see you come right
129:39 you come right in right this way hey welcome come on in
129:43 in right this way hey welcome come on in good
129:48 [Music] to hey what's going on why is everyone
129:52 to hey what's going on why is everyone leaving you just got here the factory is
129:54 leaving you just got here the factory is automated they don't need us now we've
129:56 automated they don't need us now we've been downsized to how many
130:04 one um can somebody show me how to work this
130:06 this thing and then Lot's wife looked back
130:09 thing and then Lot's wife looked back and zap she turned into a pile of mud
130:12 and zap she turned into a pile of mud the man is a genius of visionary I have
130:15 the man is a genius of visionary I have to get a picture say
130:37 [Music] thank you for saving my life even though
130:39 thank you for saving my life even though it wasn't in danger I just couldn't
130:41 it wasn't in danger I just couldn't picture you as the official martyr of
130:43 picture you as the official martyr of elbonia I was only trying to do the
130:46 elbonia I was only trying to do the right thing a misguided exercise at best
130:54 what are you doing I'm taking the mud why cuz I've taken everything else
130:56 why cuz I've taken everything else that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my
130:58 that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my friend Henry here explain it to you
131:01 friend Henry here explain it to you hello Dilbert in the world of real
131:03 hello Dilbert in the world of real politic you must see that the
131:05 politic you must see that the infrastructure of alonia was built on
131:07 infrastructure of alonia was built on mud in a global economy this is the
131:09 mud in a global economy this is the equivalent of economic suicide thus in
131:12 equivalent of economic suicide thus in order to save alonia it must be Dem
131:15 order to save alonia it must be Dem mudded dog birth was doing the only
131:17 mudded dog birth was doing the only logical thing oh of course now I see you
131:20 logical thing oh of course now I see you do
131:21 do yes I don't even know what I'm talking
131:24 yes I don't even know what I'm talking about but for some reason it drives the
131:26 about but for some reason it drives the chicks wild when I talk this
131:33 way oh great Mudman how do you explain this is it a sign from above more like a
131:37 this is it a sign from above more like a sign from
131:39 sign from below freaking little mud
131:42 below freaking little mud boy here I am buying trinkets from one
131:45 boy here I am buying trinkets from one of the Native
131:46 of the Native Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool
131:49 Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool with some of the natives here I am
131:51 with some of the natives here I am flying home accompanied by a group of
131:53 flying home accompanied by a group of vacationing elbonian and here I am back
131:56 vacationing elbonian and here I am back at
131:57 at work by the way I'm pleased to announce
132:00 work by the way I'm pleased to announce that the production of the grunt master
132:02 that the production of the grunt master in elbonia has far exceeded our
132:05 in elbonia has far exceeded our expectations we can officially now
132:08 expectations we can officially now classify elbonia no longer a
132:10 classify elbonia no longer a poverty-stricken fourth world country
132:13 poverty-stricken fourth world country but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world
132:16 but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world country it is my fervent hope to some
132:21 country it is my fervent hope to some day visit this exotic
132:24 day visit this exotic [Music]
132:29 [Music] land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L
132:32 land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L elbonia where gambling and prostitution
132:34 elbonia where gambling and prostitution isn't just legal it's mandatory and this
132:37 isn't just legal it's mandatory and this week only at the Caesars elbonia the
132:39 week only at the Caesars elbonia the song stylings of Henry kisser
132:54 Las elbonia yea
132:57 elbonia yea [Music]
133:20 [Music] [Applause]
133:22 [Applause] [Music]
133:37 [Music] [Applause]
133:43 shouldn't you be at work by now and you're dehumanizing little cubicle
133:45 you're dehumanizing little cubicle squatting in quiet desperation I've got
133:47 squatting in quiet desperation I've got a
133:49 a cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses
133:53 cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses come on get dressed and go to work you
133:55 come on get dressed and go to work you know I like to have the house to myself
133:56 know I like to have the house to myself in the late morning I hate when people
133:58 in the late morning I hate when people go to work sick all they do is hack and
134:01 go to work sick all they do is hack and cough and spread their germs and infect
134:03 cough and spread their germs and infect everyone
134:08 else just to be safe it might be a good time to update your
134:14 will I Dilbert being of sound mind and sound body I can't sign this my body
134:17 sound body I can't sign this my body isn't sound typo
134:24 sound mind and round body it's just a cold and I'm this close to finding the
134:26 cold and I'm this close to finding the Cure look I've already isolated the
134:29 Cure look I've already isolated the virus you mean bacteria that's a common
134:32 virus you mean bacteria that's a common misconception colds are caused by
134:35 misconception colds are caused by viruses bacteria are microorganisms that
134:38 viruses bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by
134:40 contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division while viruses are
134:42 simple division while viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by
134:44 parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein which are unable to
134:47 a layer of protein which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell
134:49 reproduce without invading a host cell well you got a big old brain brain on
134:51 well you got a big old brain brain on you this microscopic nuclear powered
134:54 you this microscopic nuclear powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold
134:56 intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus and destroys it with a highly
134:58 virus and destroys it with a highly focused Sonic
135:07 Blast okay I don't usually like to do this but I feel sorry for you on so many
135:10 this but I feel sorry for you on so many levels here this will cure you
135:12 levels here this will cure you immediately really what is it a placebo
135:16 immediately really what is it a placebo a placebo now that you told me it's a
135:18 a placebo now that you told me it's a placebo it's not going to work it will
135:20 placebo it's not going to work it will if you think it will but I already know
135:22 if you think it will but I already know it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just
135:24 it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just said it
135:26 said it was that's precisely the power of the
135:29 was that's precisely the power of the placebo no thanks I'll try my
135:33 placebo no thanks I'll try my [Music]
136:08 ch ch [Music]
136:35 [Applause] [Music]
136:56 [Music] so according to the market research the
136:58 so according to the market research the people most likely to buy our
137:00 people most likely to buy our gruntmaster 6000 product are the same
137:02 gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group who are most likely to buy UFO
137:04 group who are most likely to buy UFO Abduction Insurance maybe we could
137:06 Abduction Insurance maybe we could package
137:14 them Alice you're sick go home I'm not sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm
137:17 sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm fine oh good for you
137:25 it's your fault you gave it to me yeah well you gave it to me before that well
137:27 well you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me before that well you
137:28 you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me you know we've been
137:30 gave it to me you know we've been passing the same cold back and forth for
137:32 passing the same cold back and forth for 7 years well you started it it's these
137:35 7 years well you started it it's these cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all
137:37 cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors or at least if I
137:40 had offices with doors or at least if I did can I have your sick days are you
137:42 did can I have your sick days are you coming down with something no but why
137:44 coming down with something no but why waste a sick day when you're sick
137:46 waste a sick day when you're sick because you're sick well I'd rather be
137:48 because you're sick well I'd rather be sick at the office they have soup and
137:50 sick at the office they have soup and tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm
137:53 tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm saving up six days I've got nearly uh
137:56 saving up six days I've got nearly uh 12,000 one day I'll have enough to call
137:58 12,000 one day I'll have enough to call in sick until I retire I'll trade you
138:01 in sick until I retire I'll trade you one of my sick days for a carton of
138:02 one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes it'll appear on your desk
138:04 sticky notes it'll appear on your desk tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a
138:06 tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape done
138:08 box of binder clips and some tape done and
138:09 and [Music]
138:12 [Music] done if I had my own office I would just
138:14 done if I had my own office I would just lock the door during cold season and
138:16 lock the door during cold season and never come out what about going to the
138:18 never come out what about going to the bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt
138:22 bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt what's the difference you'll never have
138:23 what's the difference you'll never have an office in this company or any other
138:25 an office in this company or any other ever you're an eded ear I can still
138:38 [Music] [Applause]
138:39 [Applause] [Music]
138:48 dream look at this it's a mind field of germs a oh my
138:50 germs a oh my [Music]
139:38 [Music] [Applause]
139:38 [Applause] [Music]
139:57 [Music] [Applause]
140:11 good lovely day isn't it anyway as you may have
140:13 may have heard especially
140:17 heard especially you 40% of our Workforce has dropped
140:21 you 40% of our Workforce has dropped dead from some sort of mysterious
140:23 dead from some sort of mysterious illness the heartier folks have just
140:25 illness the heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants we don't
140:27 turned into hideous mutants we don't know what's causing
140:29 know what's causing it but we have some
140:33 it but we have some hunches funny be that as it may the
140:37 hunches funny be that as it may the names of these Valiant employees who
140:39 names of these Valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be
140:42 died for some reason that cannot be conclusively linked to workplace hazards
140:44 conclusively linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall
140:46 have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind
140:47 you see behind [Applause]
140:49 [Applause] us then their sacrifice is an
140:52 us then their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all not to mention a
140:55 inspiration to us all not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the
140:56 cost savings that goes directly to the bottom
141:13 I I've lost my voice finally God sorry son I couldn't hear
141:16 son I couldn't hear you oh me at this time it gives me great
141:20 you oh me at this time it gives me great pleasure
141:21 pleasure to do
141:23 to do this it also gives me great pleasure to
141:26 this it also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of dogbert's private
141:29 introduce the owner of dogbert's private Environmental Protection Agency
141:38 him my Research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect feal matter
141:41 abnormal levels of insect feal matter present throughout this building and as
141:43 present throughout this building and as the black light reveals Even In This
141:46 the black light reveals Even In This Very Room
141:48 Very Room [Music]
141:54 the highest concentrations of insect F matter were found to be present on
141:58 matter were found to be present on [Music]
142:00 [Music] Wall-E
142:07 gross I can't see get away from me take a shower you're disgusting it's not my
142:09 a shower you're disgusting it's not my fault that flies like me so the insect
142:12 fault that flies like me so the insect feal matters making us sick no but I
142:14 feal matters making us sick no but I thought it was an interesting side note
142:16 thought it was an interesting side note unfortunately this building like
142:18 unfortunately this building like everything that's ever existed in the
142:19 everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe is is dying
142:21 history of the universe is is dying we're doing what we can to make its last
142:23 we're doing what we can to make its last hours
142:43 clear I have two recommendations either which I can feel more strongly about
142:44 which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee one
142:47 based purely on the size of my fee one is to keep the building on life support
142:48 is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people
142:50 indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die what if I just pretend to
142:53 mutate and die what if I just pretend to watch what's the other choice to build a
142:56 watch what's the other choice to build a brand new incredibly over budgeted
142:57 brand new incredibly over budgeted ill-conceived
142:59 ill-conceived headquarters Excuse me while I weigh
143:02 headquarters Excuse me while I weigh those very uh weighty
143:16 means excuse me can I see you can't you have I become invisible no woo you had
143:19 have I become invisible no woo you had me scared for a minute
143:21 me scared for a minute there I don't understand every day I
143:24 there I don't understand every day I water this silk tree but it hasn't grown
143:27 water this silk tree but it hasn't grown an inch it's not a tree that grows silk
143:29 an inch it's not a tree that grows silk it's made out of silk probably needs
143:32 it's made out of silk probably needs more light yeah try that uh by the way
143:36 more light yeah try that uh by the way what with the recent outbreak of disease
143:38 what with the recent outbreak of disease here I think you made the right decision
143:40 here I think you made the right decision to build a new headquarters that's not
143:42 to build a new headquarters that's not why we're moving get over yourself
143:45 why we're moving get over yourself there's a much bigger issue at stake
143:47 there's a much bigger issue at stake here there is yes of course this
143:50 here there is yes of course this building is a rectangle almost square
143:53 building is a rectangle almost square but not quite do you know what I mean
143:56 but not quite do you know what I mean rarely I've always wanted to work in a
143:59 rarely I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isoceles
144:00 building shaped like an isoceles triangle an isosceles triangle you think
144:03 triangle an isosceles triangle you think I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think
144:07 I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish
144:11 I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my
144:13 I'd married you instead of the hag in my house I was thinking you're going to
144:16 house I was thinking you're going to need somebody to oversee the design and
144:18 need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move
144:20 organize the move someone with First Rate engineering
144:24 someone with First Rate engineering skills an aptitude for problem
144:28 skills an aptitude for problem solving way above average
144:31 solving way above average intelligence no I think we should use
144:34 intelligence no I think we should use someone who works at this company well
144:37 someone who works at this company well I'd like to volunteer all I ask in
144:39 I'd like to volunteer all I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra
144:41 return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors oh I see your hidden
144:45 offices with doors oh I see your hidden agenda now you're the master of the
144:48 agenda now you're the master of the obvious no need to flatter me you've got
144:51 obvious no need to flatter me you've got the
144:53 the job and they said no engineer could have
144:56 job and they said no engineer could have his own
145:04 office I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters let's
145:06 site for the new headquarters let's visit site number
145:08 visit site number [Music]
145:17 [Music] two okay let's visit site number number
145:22 two okay let's visit site number number [Music]
145:35 [Music] three so I think the choice is pretty
145:37 three so I think the choice is pretty obvious right we build on the cliff side
145:40 obvious right we build on the cliff side wait wait what about the meadow if you
145:43 wait wait what about the meadow if you wanted the meadow why did you make such
145:45 wanted the meadow why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs but the
145:47 a convincing case for the cliffs but the meadow is so picturesque so peaceful
145:49 meadow is so picturesque so peaceful it's perfect Alice tell
145:53 it's perfect Alice tell them
145:55 them uhhuh Wall-E help me out
145:58 uhhuh Wall-E help me out here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from
146:01 here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from your
146:02 your house well I suppose we could build a
146:06 house well I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow get the best of both
146:08 cliff in the meadow get the best of both worlds or we could just wait a week and
146:10 worlds or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff will that
146:12 you'll forget about the cliff will that work usually well in that case why wait
146:15 work usually well in that case why wait the meadow it is and put your office
146:18 the meadow it is and put your office smack dab next to
146:36 structure will there be an elevator how does that work
146:38 does that work it now I sometimes get
146:41 it now I sometimes get work as you can see each floor will be
146:44 work as you can see each floor will be portioned into pi-shaped divisions so
146:46 portioned into pi-shaped divisions so that at the center of the pi where all
146:48 that at the center of the pi where all the divisions converge employees will
146:51 the divisions converge employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer
146:54 engage in valuable knowledge transfer must stay
146:56 must stay awake managers will have private offices
147:00 awake managers will have private offices as will one cunning engineer now any
147:07 questions I'm sorry I don't speak fly anyone else anybody what will be the
147:11 anyone else anybody what will be the parking situation at the new
147:12 parking situation at the new headquarters good question we will have
147:14 headquarters good question we will have a state-of-the-art underground parking
147:16 a state-of-the-art underground parking structure I'll be needing extra Headroom
147:24 how about it give it up for the [Music]
147:28 [Music] Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo
147:32 Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo Frankie and I are thinking about taking
147:34 Frankie and I are thinking about taking a ball game tonight afterwards we're
147:35 a ball game tonight afterwards we're going out for pizza some beers maybe
147:37 going out for pizza some beers maybe play a little darts what do you say who
147:39 play a little darts what do you say who are you very
147:41 are you very funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I
147:44 funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I know we've never spoken before but I
147:46 know we've never spoken before but I love your take on the new headquarters
147:47 love your take on the new headquarters brilliant stroke a genius really I'm
147:50 brilliant stroke a genius really I'm going to need some extra steps on the
147:51 going to need some extra steps on the staircase you know cuz of the
147:53 staircase you know cuz of the legs extra half steps on the stairs for
147:56 legs extra half steps on the stairs for multipods I'll see what I can do and
147:58 multipods I'll see what I can do and don't put me next to the
148:00 don't put me next to the boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've
148:03 boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in
148:05 never met would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become
148:07 normal life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken
148:09 reptilian I feel we have an unspoken Bond go on what with the scales and what
148:12 Bond go on what with the scales and what have you I'll be needing a sink with
148:13 have you I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to clean myself okay
148:16 scalding hot water to clean myself okay special scalding hot water valve for
148:18 special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees I'll try oh don't
148:22 reptilian employees I'll try oh don't put me next to the
148:24 put me next to the boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO
148:28 boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat
148:30 skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in my
148:31 so I can keep the temperature in my cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die
148:34 cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die special heating ducks for the skinless I
148:37 special heating ducks for the skinless I can't promise anything but okay I
148:39 can't promise anything but okay I understand I'm not afraid of expiring
148:41 understand I'm not afraid of expiring but just don't put me next to the boss
148:44 but just don't put me next to the boss got it
148:46 got it [Music]
149:00 [Music] hey watch
149:01 hey watch it sorry we need to talk right right um
149:05 it sorry we need to talk right right um you know there's a suggestion box on the
149:07 you know there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor how am I supposed to use a
149:09 fourth floor how am I supposed to use a suggestion box maybe you could just hang
149:11 suggestion box maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your
149:13 around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm
149:16 ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm going to need special pulley and slides
149:18 going to need special pulley and slides to get around the office in between
149:19 to get around the office in between floors and a customized keyboard and uh
149:22 floors and a customized keyboard and uh lower toilets much lower okay I'll check
149:26 lower toilets much lower okay I'll check into it and I will suck you into my
149:28 into it and I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the
149:31 ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well
149:33 boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well I need deep water I have to be in water
149:36 I need deep water I have to be in water I'm
149:36 I'm also I need a butt rubbing tree butt
149:40 also I need a butt rubbing tree butt rubbing tree got it keep them away from
149:42 rubbing tree got it keep them away from me okay I can put the swamp here a butt
149:46 me okay I can put the swamp here a butt rubbing tree over here lower these
149:48 rubbing tree over here lower these toilets all this just to get your own
149:51 toilets all this just to get your own office it's worth it do you really
149:54 office it's worth it do you really believe that all this is happening
149:55 believe that all this is happening because of sick building syndrome I have
149:57 because of sick building syndrome I have no reason not to believe it what if it's
149:59 no reason not to believe it what if it's all in their minds everything is in our
150:01 all in their minds everything is in our minds but when it causes us to grow an
150:03 minds but when it causes us to grow an extra leg I think we need to take it
150:05 extra leg I think we need to take it seriously okay okay on a lighter note I
150:08 seriously okay okay on a lighter note I have a coupon for a free feal wash no
150:10 have a coupon for a free feal wash no thanks on the house on the house okay
150:22 Wally you got your stuff packed it's time to go I'm not going anywhere D you
150:25 time to go I'm not going anywhere D you okay do flies catch cold or do they just
150:27 okay do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead are you going to use one of
150:29 drop dead are you going to use one of your sick days no way I've banked 14
150:33 your sick days no way I've banked 14 years worth of six days it's time to
150:35 years worth of six days it's time to cash them in and retire
150:37 cash them in and retire early uh
150:39 early uh w-e I hate to do this but I think this
150:42 w-e I hate to do this but I think this might be a good time to tell you
150:43 might be a good time to tell you something sick days don't accumulate
150:45 something sick days don't accumulate they
150:47 they expire and you can't trade sick days
150:49 expire and you can't trade sick days with other people
150:50 with other people we've been using you to steal office
150:52 we've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years it's easier
150:54 supplies for us for years it's easier than ordering from the
151:12 retrospect uh Dilbert yes my nose it itches try not to think about it
151:14 itches try not to think about it otherwise your whole body will start
151:16 otherwise your whole body will start itching
151:30 ah Moving Day exciting isn't it you know if this works out maybe we'll do it
151:31 if this works out maybe we'll do it every year what move that's insane
151:34 every year what move that's insane you've got to learn to think outside the
151:36 you've got to learn to think outside the box Dilbert so who's going to be in the
151:38 box Dilbert so who's going to be in the office next to me where all the action
151:40 office next to me where all the action happens the nerve
151:41 happens the nerve center you've got the whole floor to
151:44 center you've got the whole floor to yourself excellent by the way I forgot
151:46 yourself excellent by the way I forgot to tell you I need to make a few minor
151:48 to tell you I need to make a few minor alterations to the building operations
151:50 alterations to the building operations teeny tiny nothing with nothing but
151:52 teeny tiny nothing with nothing but poito Saar like what well remember that
151:56 poito Saar like what well remember that whole thing about the isoceles triangle
151:58 whole thing about the isoceles triangle I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid
152:00 I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid but it's already been built you're in
152:02 but it's already been built you're in charge make it happen check back with me
152:04 charge make it happen check back with me in a week that's the spirit that's the
152:07 in a week that's the spirit that's the end of that
152:08 end of that [Music]
152:37 [Music] [Applause]
152:38 [Applause] [Music]
152:39 [Music] [Applause]
152:41 [Applause] [Music]
152:46 [Music] Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed
152:50 Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed with the way the new headquarters has
152:52 with the way the new headquarters has turned out it's so shiny and big and
152:56 turned out it's so shiny and big and white and these portals you can actually
153:00 white and these portals you can actually see through them it's a miracle you mean
153:03 see through them it's a miracle you mean the windows yes and those magical moving
153:07 the windows yes and those magical moving stairs I mean where do they all go
153:10 stairs I mean where do they all go anyway you've done a bang up job it's so
153:13 anyway you've done a bang up job it's so perfect thank you it's so perfect too
153:18 perfect thank you it's so perfect too bad we can't afford to stay here what I
153:20 bad we can't afford to stay here what I just saw the rent allocation budget too
153:22 just saw the rent allocation budget too rich for our blood we'll have to lease
153:23 rich for our blood we'll have to lease it out to a more profitable company but
153:25 it out to a more profitable company but but by the way where's the cliff
153:28 but by the way where's the cliff [Music]
154:17 [Music] sh
154:23 [Music] Alice you look a lot I was never sick
154:25 Alice you look a lot I was never sick yeah that's what I meant to
154:32 say luckily everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic
154:34 developing an immunity to the toxic environment I guess as a species
154:36 environment I guess as a species ultimately we can adapt to anything yay
154:39 ultimately we can adapt to anything yay for
154:40 for us everybody I'd like to personally
154:43 us everybody I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new
154:45 welcome you all back to the new healthier old headquarters how is it
154:48 healthier old headquarters how is it healthier well for one thing we've added
154:50 healthier well for one thing we've added warning
155:00 [Music] signs hey everybody I'm back to my old
155:04 signs hey everybody I'm back to my old self too bad secondly we've stocked the
155:08 self too bad secondly we've stocked the first aid kits with these new Wonder
155:11 first aid kits with these new Wonder drugs plusy BOS
155:14 drugs plusy BOS [Music]
155:24 [Music] w
155:25 w [Music]
155:50 [Music] [Applause]
155:58 we have a big problem here drop everything you're doing and solve it I'm
156:00 everything you're doing and solve it I'm going to be late for work oh this is far
156:03 going to be late for work oh this is far more important than your career you
156:04 more important than your career you always say that well this time it's true
156:07 always say that well this time it's true the TV is not working I've been sitting
156:08 the TV is not working I've been sitting here for nearly a minute without
156:10 here for nearly a minute without entertainment change the battery in the
156:12 entertainment change the battery in the remote the one on the left the one on
156:14 remote the one on the left the one on the left well that's just spooky not
156:17 the left well that's just spooky not really I have the ne
156:20 really I have the ne The Knack for technology my mom says I
156:23 The Knack for technology my mom says I always
156:24 always have I'm worried about little Dilbert
156:27 have I'm worried about little Dilbert he's not like other kids what do you
156:29 he's not like other kids what do you mean yesterday I left him alone for a
156:32 mean yesterday I left him alone for a minute and he disassembled the TV our
156:35 minute and he disassembled the TV our clock and the stereo that's perfectly
156:38 clock and the stereo that's perfectly normal kids take things apart oh the
156:42 normal kids take things apart oh the part that worries me is he used the
156:45 part that worries me is he used the components to build a ham radio
156:47 components to build a ham radio set oh dear
156:50 set oh dear is that bad normally I'd want to run an
156:53 is that bad normally I'd want to run an EEG on him but the machine isn't
156:56 EEG on him but the machine isn't [Music]
157:03 working it's worse than I feared what is it I'm afraid your son has The
157:06 it I'm afraid your son has The Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare
157:10 Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare condition characterized by an extreme
157:12 condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical
157:13 intuition about all things mechanical and electrical and utter social
157:16 and electrical and utter social ineptitude can he lead a normal life
157:20 ineptitude can he lead a normal life no you'll be an
157:27 engineer no there there don't blame yourself will it go away over time it
157:30 yourself will it go away over time it might but pray it doesn't if an engineer
157:33 might but pray it doesn't if an engineer loses The Knack the results can be
157:37 loses The Knack the results can be [Music]
157:39 [Music] devastating and in further news you
157:41 devastating and in further news you might want to get out thanks for filling
157:43 might want to get out thanks for filling in for our regular doctor on such short
157:45 in for our regular doctor on such short notice I was in the neighborhood
158:10 here I bought a double A yesterday because I sensed this coming you're
158:12 because I sensed this coming you're freaking me out I don't know why I told
158:15 freaking me out I don't know why I told you I have The
158:17 you I have The Knack The Knack
158:33 good [Laughter]
158:51 [Music] [Laughter]
159:04 [Music] now
159:17 [Applause] [Music]
159:48 as you know Humanity has pretty much destroyed the ecological balance of the
159:51 destroyed the ecological balance of the planet it's not my fault I recycle no
159:54 planet it's not my fault I recycle no one's blaming you loud Howard I blame
159:57 one's blaming you loud Howard I blame him why do you blame me when you recycle
160:00 him why do you blame me when you recycle your newspapers do you iron out the
160:02 your newspapers do you iron out the wrinkles first no well maybe you should
160:06 wrinkles first no well maybe you should Planet Killer all right then that's
160:08 Planet Killer all right then that's settled the point is the Earth is
160:11 settled the point is the Earth is polluted Beyond repair that leaves us
160:13 polluted Beyond repair that leaves us one viable business strategy we're going
160:16 one viable business strategy we're going to clean up the earth oh Jee
160:20 to clean up the earth oh Jee no I should say not clean up the no
160:24 no I should say not clean up the no we're going to start polluting outter
160:25 we're going to start polluting outter space I didn't become an engineer so I
160:28 space I didn't become an engineer so I could pollute the solar system why did
160:30 could pollute the solar system why did you become an engineer isn't it obvious
160:32 you become an engineer isn't it obvious she picked the one profession where
160:33 she picked the one profession where she'd be surrounded by sexy men all
160:36 she'd be surrounded by sexy men all [Music]
160:42 [Music] day so tell me more about this polluting
160:45 day so tell me more about this polluting of space idea no no no
160:48 of space idea no no no no sh we won't be calling it polluting
160:52 no sh we won't be calling it polluting negative connotation we prefer the word
160:55 negative connotation we prefer the word advertising I'm talking Billboards in
160:58 advertising I'm talking Billboards in space no one can read a billboard in
161:01 space no one can read a billboard in space they can if we make them really
161:03 space they can if we make them really big do you have any idea how much that
161:05 big do you have any idea how much that would cost $1,000 maybe $50
161:09 would cost $1,000 maybe $50 billion well then we'll just have to
161:12 billion well then we'll just have to amortize the costs advertise the costs
161:15 amortize the costs advertise the costs that doesn't even mean anything we'll
161:17 that doesn't even mean anything we'll find a way to get it done failure isn't
161:19 find a way to get it done failure isn't in my vocabulary neither is amortise
161:22 in my vocabulary neither is amortise apparently here we go
161:32 again you're drinking out of my cup you have drunk from the cup of
161:34 cup you have drunk from the cup of management now you're infected what are
161:37 management now you're infected what are you talking about that's ridiculous soon
161:39 you talking about that's ridiculous soon your technical skills will evaporate
161:41 your technical skills will evaporate like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they
161:44 like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they warned us about this in school there was
161:46 warned us about this in school there was management DNA in the backwash of that
161:48 management DNA in the backwash of that cup now it's in you it's like a virus
161:52 cup now it's in you it's like a virus people I'd like to get the first space
161:54 people I'd like to get the first space billboard launched in 30 days does
161:56 billboard launched in 30 days does anyone see a problem with that no
162:05 way knows nothing a pointy head idiot who stinks like OD
162:07 who stinks like OD socks sounds like we have
162:12 socks sounds like we have [Music]
162:16 [Music] consensus I don't know what's wrong with
162:18 consensus I don't know what's wrong with this pen I'm going out on a limb here
162:21 this pen I'm going out on a limb here but I'll say it's out of ink that
162:24 but I'll say it's out of ink that management DNA must have infected you
162:26 management DNA must have infected you you've lost the neck I have not lost the
162:28 you've lost the neck I have not lost the neck I'll show you who's lost the neck
162:31 neck I'll show you who's lost the neck I'll design this thing myself out of my
162:33 I'll design this thing myself out of my cubicle I need privacy this is my
162:36 cubicle I need privacy this is my cubicle sense of direction it's the
162:39 cubicle sense of direction it's the first thing that goes when you lose the
162:47 Knack Dilbert just the man I need what's it mean when you get a sister error
162:49 it mean when you get a sister error number
162:51 number 53 watch me solve this with intuition
162:54 53 watch me solve this with intuition alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that
162:58 alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that one before but I have a feeling it's
163:00 one before but I have a feeling it's your network interface card what should
163:02 your network interface card what should I do press control and
163:12 F9 thanks hey
163:14 thanks hey Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP
163:17 Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP address it's been a while but I think
163:20 address it's been a while but I think this will
163:22 this will [Music]
163:32 work I haven't lost my engineering neck just because a few things go wrong even
163:35 just because a few things go wrong even great athletes have dry spells like the
163:37 great athletes have dry spells like the great Olympian Amil gartan world record
163:40 great Olympian Amil gartan world record holder in both the javelin and the 100y
163:42 holder in both the javelin and the 100y yard dash only person who ever died by
163:44 yard dash only person who ever died by throwing a spear into his own back did
163:46 throwing a spear into his own back did you just make that up clever wasn't it
163:49 you just make that up clever wasn't it can we talk about me instead of madeup
163:51 can we talk about me instead of madeup people sure pass the
164:03 bread okay tell me about your day I've got to design a low earth orbit
164:05 got to design a low earth orbit advertising satellite as big as New
164:07 advertising satellite as big as New Zealand and get it launched in 30 days
164:10 Zealand and get it launched in 30 days for under $1,000 that is so sad and
164:13 for under $1,000 that is so sad and pathetic and then what well that's kind
164:15 pathetic and then what well that's kind of the whole story they're not laughing
164:18 of the whole story they're not laughing at you They're laughing with you I
164:21 at you They're laughing with you I didn't say anyone was laughing at me
164:22 didn't say anyone was laughing at me you're only ugly on the outside what are
164:25 you're only ugly on the outside what are you talking about they say swimming is
164:27 you talking about they say swimming is the best exercise well I've always
164:30 the best exercise well I've always agreed with that
164:31 agreed with that but hey
164:34 but hey [Music]
164:43 [Applause] [Music]
164:44 [Music] [Applause]
164:50 [Applause] [Music]
164:51 [Music] a light sail well you still need a huge
164:54 a light sail well you still need a huge groundbased laser to push it we can
164:56 groundbased laser to push it we can borrow the one at the particle
164:57 borrow the one at the particle accelerator lab we only need it for a
165:00 accelerator lab we only need it for a few minutes are you done yet good Lord
165:02 few minutes are you done yet good Lord man you're working me to the bone has it
165:05 man you're working me to the bone has it been tough well this coffee cup doesn't
165:07 been tough well this coffee cup doesn't carry itself around get some rest Wally
165:10 carry itself around get some rest Wally you too start pulling your
165:16 weight the components are all off the shelf we can put this thing together in
165:19 shelf we can put this thing together in a week it looks good on paper but how do
165:21 a week it looks good on paper but how do we know you haven't lost The
165:23 we know you haven't lost The Knack I haven't lost The
165:31 Knack there's something wrong with it let me have a
165:38 look there it should be fine thanks Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you
165:42 Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you think we could go out sometime
165:52 attention all workers has anybody seen my pen the one that writes in four
165:54 my pen the one that writes in four colors it's not worth a lot of money or
165:56 colors it's not worth a lot of money or anything but my mom gave it to me and it
165:57 anything but my mom gave it to me and it has a lot of s this is a terrible
165:59 has a lot of s this is a terrible program what else is on Hey where's the
166:02 program what else is on Hey where's the clicker why aren't I sitting in my
166:04 clicker why aren't I sitting in my recliner oh for crying out loud for the
166:06 recliner oh for crying out loud for the last time this is not a TV show you're
166:09 last time this is not a TV show you're telling me look at this guy he hasn't
166:11 telling me look at this guy he hasn't moved the whole time I've been watching
166:13 moved the whole time I've been watching although it does build suspense you know
166:16 although it does build suspense you know what leave this on oh what the hell I
166:18 what leave this on oh what the hell I can't can't take it tell me the ending
166:20 can't can't take it tell me the ending 40 minutes after liftoff the ship will
166:22 40 minutes after liftoff the ship will achieve orbit at that time the tissue
166:24 achieve orbit at that time the tissue thin balloon material will unfurl
166:26 thin balloon material will unfurl creating an advertising Banner over 5
166:29 creating an advertising Banner over 5 miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2
166:35 miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2 [Music]
166:45 [Music] 1 blooper all systems are green the the
166:48 1 blooper all systems are green the the laser should kick in in 15 seconds and
166:50 laser should kick in in 15 seconds and put our baby on target are you sure you
166:52 put our baby on target are you sure you gave the right coordinates to the laser
166:54 gave the right coordinates to the laser operator you've been off your game
166:56 operator you've been off your game lately me off my game
167:01 lately me off my game [Music]
167:17 [Music] ha ohoh
167:19 ha ohoh [Music]
167:30 [Music] hm hey hey
167:48 [Music] [Applause]
167:49 [Applause] [Music]
168:15 what should we do party
168:17 do party [Music]
168:18 [Music] [Applause]
168:26 [Music] [Applause]
168:28 [Applause] [Music]
168:36 [Music] I'll sharpen your knives you simple
168:39 I'll sharpen your knives you simple Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've
168:43 Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've got raisins shriveled and brown who
168:46 got raisins shriveled and brown who wants raisins the finest in Town bows
168:50 wants raisins the finest in Town bows and arrows and kill some birds then you
168:55 and arrows and kill some birds then you shove them in a
169:02 pie hi Dilbert do I know you what do you mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from
169:04 mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from across the street the insurance salesman
169:07 across the street the insurance salesman what happened to you well ever since
169:09 what happened to you well ever since that satellite got knocked out that was
169:11 that satellite got knocked out that was yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart
169:13 yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart pretty fast without power and
169:14 pretty fast without power and Communications luckily Denise over there
169:17 Communications luckily Denise over there she went to a Renaissance Festival last
169:19 she went to a Renaissance Festival last summer so she knew what to do so you
169:21 summer so she knew what to do so you want to be a blacksmith we also need a
169:24 want to be a blacksmith we also need a guy to sweep little piles of dung into
169:26 guy to sweep little piles of dung into big piles a dong I'll get back to
169:29 big piles a dong I'll get back to [Music]
169:30 [Music] you we have to realign the satellites
169:33 you we have to realign the satellites and restore power and Communications oh
169:36 and restore power and Communications oh forget it stop being a stick in the mud
169:38 forget it stop being a stick in the mud everybody's having a great time no more
169:41 everybody's having a great time no more multitasking no more fact modems email
169:44 multitasking no more fact modems email voicemail video conferencing
169:46 voicemail video conferencing teleconferencing pointing clicking and
169:48 teleconferencing pointing clicking and all that other stuff I never did anyway
169:50 all that other stuff I never did anyway where's Alice just follow the sounds of
169:52 where's Alice just follow the sounds of tambourines and drunken
169:57 [Music] [Applause]
170:05 laughter Alice hey buddy you're going to have to wait your turn like the rest of
170:07 have to wait your turn like the rest of us quiet
170:10 us quiet [Music]
170:12 [Music] Nave what the hell is going on we're
170:14 Nave what the hell is going on we're celebrating the return to simpler times
170:17 celebrating the return to simpler times you mean the downfall of civilization no
170:20 you mean the downfall of civilization no I mean The Rebirth of the human heart
170:22 I mean The Rebirth of the human heart with technology gone we're free to enjoy
170:24 with technology gone we're free to enjoy our true nature to release the animal
170:27 our true nature to release the animal within and let it live wild and Untamed
170:30 within and let it live wild and Untamed so you're not going back to work I am at
170:32 so you're not going back to work I am at work this is my job now you're a free
170:37 work this is my job now you're a free spirit a child of nature I live for the
170:39 spirit a child of nature I live for the moment and follow my whims wherever they
170:42 moment and follow my whims wherever they guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy
170:45 guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy and my hours are from yesterday until
170:47 and my hours are from yesterday until forever and if you don't like it I'll
170:49 forever and if you don't like it I'll kick the crap out of you terrific
170:51 kick the crap out of you terrific where's the boss he's over there
170:53 where's the boss he's over there fulfilling his role in the natural order
170:55 fulfilling his role in the natural order of things a dialogue about maximizing
171:00 of things a dialogue about maximizing quality productivity would bring about a
171:01 quality productivity would bring about a consensus within the time parameters of
171:04 consensus within the time parameters of our earlier proactive
171:07 our earlier proactive [Music]
171:08 [Music] [Applause]
171:10 [Applause] assessment and to think dber we have you
171:14 assessment and to think dber we have you to thank for all of this no don't thank
171:17 to thank for all of this no don't thank me this this is awful let's raise a
171:20 me this this is awful let's raise a glass of me to
171:21 glass of me to Dilbert
171:23 Dilbert [Applause]
171:26 [Applause] tobert what me what's wrong with you
171:29 tobert what me what's wrong with you people don't you see what's happened
171:32 people don't you see what's happened yeah fine if I have to repair those
171:35 yeah fine if I have to repair those satellites single-handedly then that's
171:37 satellites single-handedly then that's what I'll do who's with me none of
171:42 what I'll do who's with me none of [Music]
171:44 [Music] us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's
171:47 us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's coffee I would still have my knack for
171:50 coffee I would still have my knack for technology I'm afraid your son has The
171:54 technology I'm afraid your son has The Knack can he lead a normal life you're
171:57 Knack can he lead a normal life you're drinking out of my car now you're
172:00 drinking out of my car now you're infected you've lost the neck that
172:02 infected you've lost the neck that management DNA must have infected you
172:05 management DNA must have infected you you're only ugly on the
172:12 outside I've got it I know how to get my neck
172:19 back hello hello somebody answer me there's got to be someone out there I'll
172:21 there's got to be someone out there I'll pay any roaming charges I'll accept a
172:23 pay any roaming charges I'll accept a collect international
172:31 call what did I tell you about trying to contact the outside
172:33 contact the outside [Music]
172:47 world to facilitate the implementation of our business system transition
172:48 of our business system transition strategy we must maximize our talent
172:51 strategy we must maximize our talent pace and thereby determine our
172:54 pace and thereby determine our propensities for consensus
172:56 propensities for consensus [Music]
173:05 building here drink this oh kind sir you offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst
173:08 offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst alas I have but recently emed a goblet
173:11 alas I have but recently emed a goblet of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you
173:14 of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you say to wet one's whistle why what harm
173:16 say to wet one's whistle why what harm could it do but apparently I am already
173:19 could it do but apparently I am already quenched drink
173:21 quenched drink [Music]
173:31 it good sir your generosity will not be circumvented pH I salute you I don't
173:34 circumvented pH I salute you I don't feel any
173:36 feel any [Music]
173:43 different I hope you washed your cup [Music]
173:57 dirty rags for sale who buys dirty rags you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags
174:00 you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags what I need is to find my Knack yes The
174:04 what I need is to find my Knack yes The Knack it's like trying to find the one
174:06 Knack it's like trying to find the one good rag in a huge pile of bad
174:09 good rag in a huge pile of bad ones how's that the same sometimes the
174:13 ones how's that the same sometimes the harder you look the better it
174:20 hides when you stop looking for the neck it will find
174:36 familiar you know if you shorten the axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress
174:38 axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress and you won't have this
174:41 and you won't have this problem
174:43 problem exactly looks like you found your rag
174:47 exactly looks like you found your rag [Music]
175:03 I know you've grown accustomed to the new ways the authenticity and the
175:05 new ways the authenticity and the relationship with nature but it's a lie
175:08 relationship with nature but it's a lie we live in a cold mechanistic
175:11 we live in a cold mechanistic technocracy we have to make that work I
175:14 technocracy we have to make that work I know life is unfair you'll get no
175:16 know life is unfair you'll get no argument from me I know it's not fun and
175:19 argument from me I know it's not fun and it's not novel but it's real to that end
175:23 it's not novel but it's real to that end I've turned this Silo into a rocket by
175:26 I've turned this Silo into a rocket by loading it with 20 tons of match heads
175:29 loading it with 20 tons of match heads it's going to reorient the satellites
175:31 it's going to reorient the satellites and give us back our
175:33 and give us back our [Music]
175:35 [Music] technology thank God I am tired of
175:38 technology thank God I am tired of sleeping in dung and wearing these
175:41 sleeping in dung and wearing these unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss
175:46 unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss TV my show
175:49 TV my show [Music]
176:13 o it didn't work everything is still ruined but now it's worse because for a
176:15 ruined but now it's worse because for a few moments we had hope sign for Human
176:19 few moments we had hope sign for Human Sacrifice just let me get this
176:31 calling H too bad I was beginning to enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the
176:33 enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the simple life until it gets
176:36 simple life until it gets [Music]
176:41 [Music] complicated where's Dad tonight he's
176:44 complicated where's Dad tonight he's still at the all you can eat buffet
176:46 still at the all you can eat buffet place in the mall how long has he been
176:48 place in the mall how long has he been there since
176:50 there since 1979 you got to hand it to him he
176:52 1979 you got to hand it to him he doesn't give up for him it's the
176:54 doesn't give up for him it's the principal he's not coming home until
176:57 principal he's not coming home until he's sure it's all he can eat it was a
176:59 he's sure it's all he can eat it was a mistake for them to put bathrooms in
177:01 mistake for them to put bathrooms in that
177:03 that place you remind me so much of him what
177:07 place you remind me so much of him what little I can
177:10 little I can remember how can they say it's the
177:12 remember how can they say it's the world's favorite snack I'd like to see
177:15 world's favorite snack I'd like to see the evidence that supports that maybe
177:17 the evidence that supports that maybe you should write to them and man
177:19 you should write to them and man proof now you've done it and how do they
177:22 proof now you've done it and how do they know this is 30% of my daily recommended
177:26 know this is 30% of my daily recommended fat isn't everyone a different size to
177:28 fat isn't everyone a different size to begin with let's go in the living room
177:31 begin with let's go in the living room he'll be a
177:33 he'll be a while are they telling me a jockey needs
177:36 while are they telling me a jockey needs the same amount of cookie protein as a
177:38 the same amount of cookie protein as a professional
177:39 professional weightlifter they must think we're
177:41 weightlifter they must think we're idiots or something without a weight
177:43 idiots or something without a weight chart this is completely unhelpful
177:55 [Music] w
178:25 h h Huh according to my perpetual calendar program June 30th in the year
178:27 calendar program June 30th in the year 2014 will be a Thursday Did you know
178:30 2014 will be a Thursday Did you know that if I say yes will you not talk no
178:33 that if I say yes will you not talk no this is kind of interesting guess what
178:35 this is kind of interesting guess what day of the week is the first day of the
178:36 day of the week is the first day of the year
178:38 year 2,222 Tu day no but that would have been
178:41 2,222 Tu day no but that would have been good too more importantly which is
178:43 good too more importantly which is better Paris or Rome
178:46 better Paris or Rome better Paris
178:49 better Paris which is better Prague or Budapest why
178:51 which is better Prague or Budapest why does it matter which is better
178:55 does it matter which is better Prague which is better what are you
178:57 Prague which is better what are you doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium
179:00 doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium parties Millennium parties yes which is
179:03 parties Millennium parties yes which is better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a
179:06 better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a minute maybe my invitations have been
179:07 minute maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail oh who cares I never
179:11 lost in the mail oh who cares I never like New Year's Eve anyway and this
179:13 like New Year's Eve anyway and this one's no different except that everyone
179:15 one's no different except that everyone on Earth will be celebrating the end of
179:17 on Earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium
179:18 the millennium well everyone except you I don't care I
179:22 well everyone except you I don't care I will not be pressured into having fun
179:24 will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base
179:26 just because we arbitrarily use a base 10 counting system and a big round
179:28 10 counting system and a big round number is coming up if I'm going to have
179:30 number is coming up if I'm going to have fun I want a good reason well said so
179:33 fun I want a good reason well said so which is better lisan or Istanbul oh
179:35 which is better lisan or Istanbul oh come on I can't be the only person not
179:38 come on I can't be the only person not getting invitations to Millennium
179:39 getting invitations to Millennium parties which is better Tokyo or Munich
179:57 [Music] [Laughter]
179:58 [Laughter] [Music]
180:12 [Applause] [Music]
180:30 [Applause] [Music]
180:53 do you guys have any party plans for New Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a
180:57 Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a total loser would have no plans for the
180:59 total loser would have no plans for the biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what
181:01 biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got
181:05 are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got plans I'm planning to link up with my
181:07 plans I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a
181:09 survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunition dump do you
181:11 National Guard ammunition dump do you know something I don't Hello the
181:13 know something I don't Hello the millennium
181:15 millennium bug when the date hits 2000 all computer
181:18 bug when the date hits 2000 all computer will malfunction and the world will
181:19 will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos I don't want to be
181:20 plunge into chaos I don't want to be outgunned we won't have a year 2000
181:23 outgunned we won't have a year 2000 problem in this company all of our
181:24 problem in this company all of our computers are new not all you're
181:27 computers are new not all you're forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that
181:30 forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that main frame was replaced years ago Black
181:33 main frame was replaced years ago Black Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I
181:35 Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I haven't thought about Old Black Betty in
181:38 haven't thought about Old Black Betty in ages maybe never but she's real as real
181:43 ages maybe never but she's real as real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom
181:45 as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear about
181:47 at night and steals my underwear about that main frame not now I'm reminiscing
181:50 that main frame not now I'm reminiscing where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty
181:53 where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty the main frame boy oh boy we thought
181:56 the main frame boy oh boy we thought about replacing her years ago but then
181:58 about replacing her years ago but then we thought well why not just Cobble our
182:00 we thought well why not just Cobble our new systems to the old one with Untold
182:02 new systems to the old one with Untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete
182:04 miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable why'd you do that it was an
182:08 coax cable why'd you do that it was an executive decision we figured it would
182:11 executive decision we figured it would save money in the short run and only
182:13 save money in the short run and only later plunged the company Into Darkness
182:15 later plunged the company Into Darkness after we Executives had all left for
182:17 after we Executives had all left for other companies but you're still here
182:18 other companies but you're still here brinksmanship I live for it you know how
182:21 brinksmanship I live for it you know how sometimes you're driving down the
182:22 sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming
182:23 freeway and you pull into the oncoming Lane intentionally only to Swerve away
182:25 Lane intentionally only to Swerve away at the last minute that was you you ran
182:27 at the last minute that was you you ran me off the road stared Destiny right in
182:30 me off the road stared Destiny right in the face you could have killed me sorry
182:33 the face you could have killed me sorry anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva
182:37 anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva we have to do something about the
182:38 we have to do something about the millennium bug the millennium bug are
182:42 millennium bug the millennium bug are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is
182:45 you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm
182:47 here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K
182:51 talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K oh yes um t3g pardon
182:56 oh yes um t3g pardon b9c b9c look if our computer systems are
183:00 b9c b9c look if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty some
183:02 all connected to Black Betty some ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun
183:06 ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun we're out of business when the date
183:08 we're out of business when the date changes you mean all the technology is
183:11 changes you mean all the technology is going
183:11 going to break yes is there any way this
183:15 to break yes is there any way this collapse of civilization thing could
183:18 collapse of civilization thing could affect me personally I think it might
183:20 affect me personally I think it might okay then you have my full support to
183:23 okay then you have my full support to fix the problem unless it involves any
183:26 fix the problem unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort
183:29 sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part remember money is No Object
183:32 on my part remember money is No Object unless of course you plan to spend it me
183:35 unless of course you plan to spend it me why is it up to me because you brought
183:36 why is it up to me because you brought it up you know the rules he who
183:38 it up you know the rules he who complains is assigned to fix it that
183:40 complains is assigned to fix it that only applies to little things this could
183:42 only applies to little things this could be the biggest project in our company's
183:44 be the biggest project in our company's history and I've never even seen that
183:46 history and I've never even seen that Black Betty Mainframe no one has for
183:48 Black Betty Mainframe no one has for years it's quite splendiferous you've
183:51 years it's quite splendiferous you've seen it I helped install it of course
183:54 seen it I helped install it of course that was years ago before the life force
183:55 that was years ago before the life force was drained for my body and I became a
183:57 was drained for my body and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man
183:59 selfish and apathetic shell of a man then you can help I don't think you were
184:01 then you can help I don't think you were listening besides I don't even remember
184:03 listening besides I don't even remember back then you have to help Wally the
184:06 back then you have to help Wally the career of every employee depends on it
184:08 career of every employee depends on it if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose
184:10 if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose our payroll system our pension database
184:13 our payroll system our pension database the Personnel records it will be as if
184:15 the Personnel records it will be as if we never even worked here for me every
184:16 we never even worked here for me every day is like that you know what I mean if
184:19 day is like that you know what I mean if we go down you're going down with us sh
184:22 we go down you're going down with us sh sh yes uh I want the gold card the
184:24 sh yes uh I want the gold card the silver card and the Platinum Card are
184:27 silver card and the Platinum Card are there any other heavy metals that you
184:28 there any other heavy metals that you make cards in okay then send them out
184:31 make cards in okay then send them out Wally what are you doing welcoming in
184:33 Wally what are you doing welcoming in the Millennium by ordering credit cards
184:36 the Millennium by ordering credit cards that's right I'm applying for every
184:38 that's right I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on then
184:40 credit card I can get my hands on then I'll take huge cash advances and wait
184:42 I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the
184:44 for the millennium bug to hose the bank's computers they'll never be able
184:46 bank's computers they'll never be able to build me you would have made a great
184:47 to build me you would have made a great great evil mastermind n the hours are
184:50 great evil mastermind n the hours are too
184:51 too long Alice you've got to help me on this
184:53 long Alice you've got to help me on this year 2000 project I need a team I would
184:56 year 2000 project I need a team I would but I don't have time I'm buried with
184:58 but I don't have time I'm buried with work maybe you should come with me to
185:00 work maybe you should come with me to see the Director of Human Resources he
185:02 see the Director of Human Resources he might have a company sponsored program
185:03 might have a company sponsored program for time
185:04 for time management aook we need your help on the
185:07 management aook we need your help on the year 2000 project I'd like to help but
185:10 year 2000 project I'd like to help but I'm just an intern I have no experience
185:12 I'm just an intern I have no experience with computers made before the '90s come
185:14 with computers made before the '90s come with us to see the Director of Human
185:16 with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he knows of some company
185:18 Resources maybe he knows of some company sponsored training you can
185:26 take w-e shh I'm securing a home equity loan but you don't own a home I don't
185:28 loan but you don't own a home I don't but my good friend Bob does who's Bob
185:31 but my good friend Bob does who's Bob I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our
185:35 I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our best hope you've got to help on the year
185:37 best hope you've got to help on the year 2000 problem you were there you know
185:39 2000 problem you were there you know where the date code is on the old main
185:41 where the date code is on the old main frame I don't remember any of it it was
185:43 frame I don't remember any of it it was a long time ago yes I'm holding come
185:46 a long time ago yes I'm holding come with us to see the Director of Human
185:48 with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he has some sort of
185:50 Resources maybe he has some sort of company sponsored program to regain lost
185:59 memories Bob Bob are you there hello Bob dogor I need you meet me at work
186:27 [Music] what do you want we came to see Mr
186:29 what do you want we came to see Mr catart what for well I need 45 more
186:32 catart what for well I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000
186:34 people to help me on the year 2000 project I need more time I need
186:36 project I need more time I need experience I need a memory what about
186:38 experience I need a memory what about the dog I'm perfect but thanks for
186:40 the dog I'm perfect but thanks for asking Mr catb bird is busy go away
186:49 we could shove as shook the intern through the opening and he can unlock
186:50 through the opening and he can unlock the door from the other side I could
186:52 the door from the other side I could never fit in that tiny
187:00 hole note to self get smarter troll to guard door we need your help I can't
187:02 guard door we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy
187:05 help why not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company
187:06 aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what
187:09 policies do I have a great job or what if you don't help us we're going to be
187:10 if you don't help us we're going to be stuck here and we'll never be able to go
187:12 stuck here and we'll never be able to go home Dilbert you don't need me you have
187:16 home Dilbert you don't need me you have everything you need right here take a
187:18 everything you need right here take a shook here he has no experience I am a
187:21 shook here he has no experience I am a blank slate but what he doesn't realize
187:23 blank slate but what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same
187:26 is that cynicism is almost the same thing as
187:27 thing as experience it is sure just try thinking
187:32 experience it is sure just try thinking the worst about people and you'll
187:33 the worst about people and you'll usually be right I feel wiser already
187:37 usually be right I feel wiser already and Alice you need more time but that's
187:40 and Alice you need more time but that's only because you spend so much time with
187:42 only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning
187:44 your hair and makeup in the morning that's a necessity only in your mind you
187:47 that's a necessity only in your mind you mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no
187:50 mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no I mean it's a lost
187:52 I mean it's a lost cause you should put that time to better
187:55 cause you should put that time to better use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e
187:58 use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e does it need a real memory I doubt no
188:02 does it need a real memory I doubt no recent court rulings have proven false
188:04 recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing
188:06 memory is just as good as the real thing maybe better how do I get one of those
188:09 maybe better how do I get one of those hypnosis will do the trick I have some
188:11 hypnosis will do the trick I have some books right here let me see those
188:16 books right here let me see those [Music]
188:21 [Music] you don't have these on video do you
188:24 you don't have these on video do you okay this is a start but I still need
188:26 okay this is a start but I still need more bodies don't you have a list of
188:27 more bodies don't you have a list of surplused employees well I don't usually
188:31 surplused employees well I don't usually do this do what be helpful but I do have
188:34 do this do what be helpful but I do have a list of employees who have recently
188:36 a list of employees who have recently been terminated how does that help still
188:39 been terminated how does that help still on the payroll for two more weeks
188:41 on the payroll for two more weeks they're all described in this binder
188:46 they're all described in this binder [Music]
188:49 [Music] the useless guy the useless guy will
188:51 the useless guy the useless guy will take up space and eat your Donuts
188:54 take up space and eat your Donuts sometimes he will clip articles from
188:55 sometimes he will clip articles from Publications and leave them on your
188:57 Publications and leave them on your chair Ted the generic guy he has no
189:00 chair Ted the generic guy he has no distinct characteristics people who have
189:02 distinct characteristics people who have known him for years can't describe him
189:04 known him for years can't describe him there may be more than one Ted in the
189:05 there may be more than one Ted in the company no one really knows zimu the
189:09 company no one really knows zimu the monkey smarter than the average siman
189:12 monkey smarter than the average siman writes computer code at record speed
189:14 writes computer code at record speed thanks to his tail they aren't much but
189:17 thanks to his tail they aren't much but they have to do can you regress him to
189:20 they have to do can you regress him to his earlier days as an engineer when he
189:22 his earlier days as an engineer when he helped install the main frame I'm not up
189:24 helped install the main frame I'm not up to the regression chapter yet what have
189:27 to the regression chapter yet what have you learned I can make him walk a tight
189:29 you learned I can make him walk a tight RPP across a ravine does it have to be a
189:31 RPP across a ravine does it have to be a ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure
189:34 ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm
189:40 Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm huh oops I skipped a chapter
189:53 [Music] [Applause]
189:53 [Applause] [Music]
190:07 mom mom in here dear push a little harder get your shoulder into
190:17 it Mom what are you doing stockpiling stockpiling why where have you been
190:20 stockpiling why where have you been haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it
190:24 haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my
190:26 I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company you are God help them
190:30 whole company you are God help them thanks mom maybe you should start
190:32 thanks mom maybe you should start hoarding essential supplies before it's
190:34 hoarding essential supplies before it's too late why are you hoarding hair
190:37 too late why are you hoarding hair conditioner I had a coupon mom it would
190:40 conditioner I had a coupon mom it would be a lot easier to talk to you if I
190:42 be a lot easier to talk to you if I could see you I'm not here I'm at the
190:45 could see you I'm not here I'm at the warehouse shopping club with a movie van
190:48 warehouse shopping club with a movie van am I so predictable you can record your
190:50 am I so predictable you can record your side of the conversation in advance yes
190:53 side of the conversation in advance yes you are so predictable I can record my
190:56 you are so predictable I can record my side of the conversation in
190:59 side of the conversation in [Music]
191:02 [Music] advance put it
191:11 [Music] back excuse me I need to get out get out
191:15 back excuse me I need to get out get out nobody gets out haven't you learned that
191:17 nobody gets out haven't you learned that by now I mean the driveway I know what
191:19 by now I mean the driveway I know what you mean the question is do you know
191:21 you mean the question is do you know what you mean what do you mean you're
191:23 what you mean what do you mean you're concerned about Y2K you're afraid you
191:25 concerned about Y2K you're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in
191:27 won't be able to solve the problem in time that you'll go down in history as
191:28 time that you'll go down in history as the goat of the New Millennium how do
191:30 the goat of the New Millennium how do you know that it's written all over your
191:34 you know that it's written all over your face if you're so smart what do I do
191:36 face if you're so smart what do I do about the year 2000 problem don't fight
191:39 about the year 2000 problem don't fight the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am
191:43 the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am Y2K are you just going to keep repeating
191:46 Y2K are you just going to keep repeating what I say okay okay embrace it got it
191:57 finally um excuse me I still need to get out they never
192:13 optional and then he says do you know what you mean and I said fix it yet not
192:16 what you mean and I said fix it yet not yet okay as I was
192:20 yet okay as I was saying cut it out I'm not doing anything
192:24 saying cut it out I'm not doing anything your tail is poking my face your face is
192:27 your tail is poking my face your face is poking my tail let's go around the table
192:30 poking my tail let's go around the table and introduce ourselves we just did that
192:33 and introduce ourselves we just did that can anyone pay attention
192:35 can anyone pay attention here can I say something
192:40 here can I say something what nothing it's just been a while
192:43 what nothing it's just been a while since I said
192:45 since I said anything now Ted it seems to me you
192:48 anything now Ted it seems to me you might be able to Ted I was saying you
192:51 might be able to Ted I was saying you might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you
192:57 might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's
193:00 talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's not well what is it well it's Ted but
193:04 not well what is it well it's Ted but not the Ted you're thinking
193:06 not the Ted you're thinking of hey what did I tell you come and get
193:11 of hey what did I tell you come and get me get him off of me I cut out this
193:14 me get him off of me I cut out this article today I'll pass it around
193:18 article today I'll pass it around [Applause]
193:20 [Applause] there it is Black Betty that main frame
193:23 there it is Black Betty that main frame is tied to every computer system in this
193:25 is tied to every computer system in this company and only Wall-E knows its
193:28 company and only Wall-E knows its [Music]
193:39 Secrets this is the only control Port into Black Betty it hasn't been used for
193:41 into Black Betty it hasn't been used for years there must be 10 million lines of
193:44 years there must be 10 million lines of computer code in that thing and no
193:46 computer code in that thing and no written documentation
193:47 written documentation let's give up now and form an agrarian
193:50 let's give up now and form an agrarian society don't panic yet if dogbert can
193:53 society don't panic yet if dogbert can get Wall-E to remember how we installed
193:55 get Wall-E to remember how we installed this we'll know exactly where to make
193:57 this we'll know exactly where to make the changes so our futures depend on
193:59 the changes so our futures depend on WALL-E that's it we're all
194:08 Farmers how's it going any progress no apparently he was a cow in a previous
194:10 apparently he was a cow in a previous life stop playing around we need him to
194:13 life stop playing around we need him to remember his days as a young engineer
194:15 remember his days as a young engineer when he installed the Black Betty m
194:17 when he installed the Black Betty m frame you're stressed have a glass of
194:19 frame you're stressed have a glass of warm milk I am kind of
194:33 thirsty it's cobal I learned about this in school you learned a program in
194:35 in school you learned a program in Cobalt no I learned about it in History
194:37 Cobalt no I learned about it in History Class history you say I'll see if I can
194:41 Class history you say I'll see if I can find anything about history in the
194:43 find anything about history in the literature
194:58 1970s I am getting such a sunburn whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway why
195:00 idea was this pyramid thing anyway why don't we just cover the Pharaoh with
195:02 don't we just cover the Pharaoh with sand you afraid we run
195:04 sand you afraid we run out now this is more like
195:07 out now this is more like [Music]
195:09 [Music] it hey I'm on a
195:12 it hey I'm on a break how did you get here hey who's the
195:16 break how did you get here hey who's the hypnotist
195:17 hypnotist right a God has descended to Earth sorry
195:21 right a God has descended to Earth sorry no
195:26 autographs in retrospect this was a pretty great Epoch all right who wants
195:29 pretty great Epoch all right who wants to Fan me back back in time to the
195:34 to Fan me back back in time to the 1970s
195:36 1970s ad remember yourself as a young engineer
195:39 ad remember yourself as a young engineer I had hair you were full of optimism and
195:41 I had hair you were full of optimism and enthusiasm I cared about my job morning
195:47 enthusiasm I cared about my job morning morning morning morning morning good
195:51 morning morning morning morning good morning that's the new whiz
195:54 morning that's the new whiz kid hot shot so much hope and energy
195:59 kid hot shot so much hope and energy he's got the World on a
196:03 he's got the World on a String hey w-e how about some coffee uh
196:06 String hey w-e how about some coffee uh thanks but no thanks I don't want to
196:07 thanks but no thanks I don't want to miss any
196:13 work look at him go he's written an entire customer database system from
196:15 entire customer database system from scratch
196:17 scratch why do we only use two digits to store
196:19 why do we only use two digits to store the dates it saves space yeah but in the
196:21 the dates it saves space yeah but in the year 2000 the programs won't work
196:23 year 2000 the programs won't work because the computer will think it's
196:38 year0 we know from the hypnotic regression that Wall-E used to be a
196:40 regression that Wall-E used to be a great engineer wow from great engineer
196:43 great engineer wow from great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years
196:45 to doorstop in just a few short years Wally was a magnific stallion before he
196:48 Wally was a magnific stallion before he became a broken man you don't often hear
196:51 became a broken man you don't often hear the words Wall-E and stallion in the
196:53 the words Wall-E and stallion in the same sentence but he was a stallion once
196:56 same sentence but he was a stallion once that's the point don't you get it I get
197:00 that's the point don't you get it I get it no I don't we've got to think like
197:05 it no I don't we've got to think like Wall-E no young
197:07 Wall-E no young Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this
197:09 Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this year 2000 problem coming he would have
197:12 year 2000 problem coming he would have left Flags in the program so he could
197:14 left Flags in the program so he could find the date code easily probably some
197:16 find the date code easily probably some sort of key keyword in the program
197:18 sort of key keyword in the program documentation if we figure out the
197:20 documentation if we figure out the keyword we'll know exactly where the
197:22 keyword we'll know exactly where the problems are w-e what is the keyword
197:26 problems are w-e what is the keyword keyword what is the keyword keyword no
197:30 keyword what is the keyword keyword no no what is the keyword
197:40 keyword I think his keyword was keyword all right I said smart not creative
197:44 all right I said smart not creative [Music]
197:45 [Music] [Applause]
197:48 [Applause] [Music]
197:55 this old equipment won't make it it has to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never
197:58 to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never have a way to reprogram the main
198:05 [Music] frame he's not going to make it he's not
198:08 frame he's not going to make it he's not fast enough step aside I see what he's
198:11 fast enough step aside I see what he's doing you just need a faster typist
198:14 doing you just need a faster typist [Music]
198:18 [Music] still no good he won't make it use the
198:20 still no good he won't make it use the tail zimo the
198:46 blow I feel so soiled even more than usual
198:47 usual oh my God have I been working is it
198:49 oh my God have I been working is it fixed yet we won't know until January
198:52 fixed yet we won't know until January 1st why what significance does January
198:55 1st why what significance does January 1st have January 1st 2000 apparently
199:00 1st have January 1st 2000 apparently you've been too busy fooling around to
199:02 you've been too busy fooling around to read the news the National Bureau of
199:04 read the news the National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000 the
199:07 Standards has decided to skip 2000 the 21st century won't officially start till
199:10 21st century won't officially start till the year 2001 you can't do that that's
199:14 the year 2001 you can't do that that's what they said about daylight savings
199:16 what they said about daylight savings time no they didn't well they should
199:18 time no they didn't well they should have my watch is off by an hour
199:21 have my watch is off by an hour sometimes it's like that for months
199:22 sometimes it's like that for months maybe we should get hopping on The Year
199:24 maybe we should get hopping on The Year 3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud
199:28 3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud good thinking Alice you're in
199:41 [Music] charge Hi how are
199:43 charge Hi how are you what nothing I'm here to withdraw
199:47 you what nothing I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances from each of
199:49 the maximum cash advances from each of these credit
199:50 these credit cards are you one of those guys who
199:52 cards are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records will be
199:54 thinks our computer records will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you
199:56 wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you won't have to pay us back and there's
199:58 won't have to pay us back and there's nothing you can do about
200:00 nothing you can do about [Music]
200:03 [Music] it here you
200:14 go you know no matter how many times I do that it's always enjoyable
200:18 do that it's always enjoyable [Applause]
200:29 w [Music]
200:54 [Music] [Applause]
201:02 hey I know you you live across the street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't
201:06 street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't know right so let's just keep this on a
201:09 know right so let's just keep this on a professional level okay I'm selling
201:13 professional level okay I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like
201:15 overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam h how many cartons should I
201:17 Styrofoam h how many cartons should I put you down for will my money go to a
201:19 put you down for will my money go to a good cause well what do you consider a
201:22 good cause well what do you consider a good cause feeding the poor our troop is
201:25 good cause feeding the poor our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's
201:27 taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's in New York I know where it is aren't
201:30 in New York I know where it is aren't both of your parents successful
201:33 both of your parents successful attorneys is that relevant to this
201:35 attorneys is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way your
201:37 cookie transaction in any way your family is Rich why should I pay for your
201:45 vacation my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a
201:47 nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this
201:56 experience no no it's okay don't don't cry it's so unfair first your generation
202:01 cry it's so unfair first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its
202:03 pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay
202:07 natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a
202:10 just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be $80 $80 for cookies
202:22 okay take my money go visit the Fashion Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't
202:26 Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't you write down my name or something I
202:28 you write down my name or something I don't like to leave a paper trail thank
202:30 don't like to leave a paper trail thank you you're
202:33 you you're [Music]
202:35 [Music] welcome what you buckled under the
202:37 welcome what you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl
202:40 pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I
202:43 learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a
202:45 think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my
202:47 life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to
202:49 example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah
202:52 help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it
202:55 that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my
202:58 doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical
202:59 cynical friend okay to settle the question give
203:03 friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good
203:05 me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give
203:08 that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost the
203:11 me $20 because you lost the bet did I just make a bet that would
203:13 bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah
203:16 cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah yes but you also got to help someone
203:18 yes but you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself
203:22 more fortunate than yourself [Music]
203:23 [Music] [Laughter]
203:54 [Music] oh hey
204:07 [Applause] [Music]
204:56 this year I have volunteered to chair the associated weight charity drive for
204:58 the associated weight charity drive for our County I think you all know why is
205:01 our County I think you all know why is it because you need another plaque to
205:03 it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall
205:06 cover a fly stain on your office wall yes that and something about poor people
205:09 yes that and something about poor people I expect they'll send me some details in
205:11 I expect they'll send me some details in the mail it's like you're a saint or
205:14 the mail it's like you're a saint or something no loud how I'm no saint I
205:18 something no loud how I'm no saint I just believe that people should do their
205:20 just believe that people should do their fair share or in the case where one of
205:23 fair share or in the case where one of those people is the boss other people
205:25 those people is the boss other people should do it for him this is even more
205:27 should do it for him this is even more inspirational than last year now in
205:30 inspirational than last year now in keeping with tradition three charity
205:33 keeping with tradition three charity coordinators will be chosen from the
205:35 coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless
205:39 list of our most useless employees W hey top of the list four
205:42 employees W hey top of the list four years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we
205:46 years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we found in the stairwell and the chair
205:49 found in the stairwell and the chair he's sitting in which we've named Ronald
205:52 he's sitting in which we've named Ronald oh tough competition congratulations you
205:56 oh tough competition congratulations you will each be assigned an official
205:58 will each be assigned an official Associated way uniform and a donation
206:01 Associated way uniform and a donation container Cool chick's dier man in
206:04 container Cool chick's dier man in uniform everybody who donates will get
206:06 uniform everybody who donates will get one of these colorful stylish I get to
206:10 one of these colorful stylish I get to keep my job t-shirts of course
206:14 keep my job t-shirts of course participation is completely 100%
206:17 participation is completely 100% voluntary any questions
206:23 yeah cariv Carnival all right youngsters
206:26 cariv Carnival all right youngsters settle down we'll have the company
206:29 settle down we'll have the company charity Carnival
206:32 charity Carnival okay I hate that Carnival all the money
206:35 okay I hate that Carnival all the money raised at the carnival is spent paying
206:37 raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival and it's based on the
206:39 for the carnival and it's based on the premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating
206:41 premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating hardly charitable Concepts how dare you
206:44 hardly charitable Concepts how dare you how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh
206:48 how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival
206:51 Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no
206:54 I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no it's just that uh
206:57 it's just that uh well okay exactly where does the money
207:00 well okay exactly where does the money go well there's the poor who I keep
207:03 go well there's the poor who I keep going on about and of course the plaques
207:06 going on about and of course the plaques don't grow on trees isn't the plaque
207:08 don't grow on trees isn't the plaque made of wood so then it does grow on a
207:11 made of wood so then it does grow on a tree why do you ask a question if you
207:13 tree why do you ask a question if you already know the answer he's an Arrogant
207:15 already know the answer he's an Arrogant Bastard now listen Punk if you think you
207:18 Bastard now listen Punk if you think you can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel
207:21 can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel that is then go right ahead Carnival
207:23 that is then go right ahead Carnival chairman Dilbert
207:26 chairman Dilbert haha what just
207:37 happened so Dilbert how much can I put you down
207:38 you down for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone
207:41 for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone until next year ooh $20 I'll see if
207:44 until next year ooh $20 I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you you
207:46 they'll name a hospital after you you don't even know where the money goes I
207:48 don't even know where the money goes I don't know where pudding comes from but
207:49 don't know where pudding comes from but I still eat it that is such a bad
207:51 I still eat it that is such a bad analogy thank you w-e now I can never
207:54 analogy thank you w-e now I can never eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt
207:56 eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories no
207:58 you to cut down on the calories no matter what people say Alice looks are
208:01 matter what people say Alice looks are important Alice have you fulfilled your
208:03 important Alice have you fulfilled your obligation to society yes I signed up
208:06 obligation to society yes I signed up for payroll deduction I like to give I'm
208:09 for payroll deduction I like to give I'm morally Superior to Dilbert that is so
208:11 morally Superior to Dilbert that is so illogical as long as there are starving
208:13 illogical as long as there are starving people in the world you can't have money
208:15 people in the world you can't have money in the bank can still claim to be moral
208:17 in the bank can still claim to be moral there is ample precedent for my behavior
208:20 there is ample precedent for my behavior it is completely societally appropriate
208:22 it is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford
208:24 to give only as much as one can afford you just bought six pairs of shoes that
208:26 you just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the
208:28 look exactly the same that came out of my shoe budget
208:31 same that came out of my shoe budget Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a
208:33 Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a fragile system that shoe money could
208:35 fragile system that shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year what's
208:37 have fed a poor family for a year what's so moral about letting people starve to
208:39 so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes
208:42 death so that you can have extra shoes stop it you're ruining everything I mean
208:44 stop it you're ruining everything I mean until you give it all away you're not
208:46 until you give it all away you're not more moral you just feel less guilty I
208:49 more moral you just feel less guilty I don't agree the concept of morality is
208:51 don't agree the concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context I
208:53 contingent upon the cultural context I mean the relative value of guilt in a
208:55 mean the relative value of guilt in a so-called free Society I mean altruistic
208:58 so-called free Society I mean altruistic inclinations are dependent upon I mean
209:01 inclinations are dependent upon I mean damn you're right I hate
209:08 that hey can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security
209:11 the disabled veterans of retail security you don't look disabled to me I've got
209:13 you don't look disabled to me I've got prickly heat ad's just kind of slow
209:16 prickly heat ad's just kind of slow which one of us is Ed you're on my turf
209:20 which one of us is Ed you're on my turf fellas don't start with me you wouldn't
209:22 fellas don't start with me you wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume
209:24 be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill can you settle
209:26 that I've had to kill can you settle this
209:27 this outside I'm collecting for the Sisters
209:29 outside I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion there's no such
209:31 of Perpetual Motion there's no such thing as perpetual motion not now but if
209:34 thing as perpetual motion not now but if we collect enough money someday well
209:38 we collect enough money someday well come
209:40 come you who should I make that out to to the
209:43 you who should I make that out to to the Society of guys with large bellies who
209:45 Society of guys with large bellies who don't havex satellite dishes yet this
209:47 don't havex satellite dishes yet this will nearly triple our odds of seeing
209:49 will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see
209:57 us I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewers guide that's extra morning
210:00 cable viewers guide that's extra morning Governor would you help out a good C and
210:02 Governor would you help out a good C and buy a candy bar only
210:04 buy a candy bar only $5 how do I know my money won't be
210:06 $5 how do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses
210:08 squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the uh what was the
210:11 and never reach the uh what was the cause again we're trying to find a cure
210:13 cause again we're trying to find a cure for canine apathy canine
210:16 for canine apathy canine apathy by any chance is your leader
210:19 apathy by any chance is your leader about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail
210:22 about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail okay urchins bring the money to the
210:46 van you seem a little short no sir no I would never do I have to run a full body
210:48 would never do I have to run a full body cavity search on
210:50 cavity search on you good and put more dirt on your
210:53 you good and put more dirt on your [Music]
211:00 face dog bir I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you
211:29 at least I'll get a few minutes a piece howdy that my name is Foster from the
211:32 howdy that my name is Foster from the organization of farmers who are afraid
211:34 organization of farmers who are afraid of cows why don't they just change jobs
211:37 of cows why don't they just change jobs how's a cow going to change jobs cityy
211:40 how's a cow going to change jobs cityy boy use your head go away leave me
211:43 boy use your head go away leave me alone would you donate money to the
211:45 alone would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and
211:47 women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks money for
211:49 don't realize how bad it looks money for mountain goats with three legs hey
211:51 mountain goats with three legs hey you're hiding your leg I can see it hey
211:53 you're hiding your leg I can see it hey mind your own business buddy I'm not a
211:54 mind your own business buddy I'm not a man I heard there was a charity frenzy
211:57 man I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress did I miss anything okay
211:59 in progress did I miss anything okay here here this is all I have everyone
212:01 here here this is all I have everyone just leave me
212:10 alone oh Dilbert I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the associated way banquet
212:11 my plaque at the associated way banquet tomorrow night tell them how grateful I
212:13 tomorrow night tell them how grateful I am do you think this could have waited
212:15 am do you think this could have waited until later
212:16 until later don't mind me I'll just
212:24 [Music] wait there I was in the NBA Allstar
212:27 wait there I was in the NBA Allstar forward multi-millionaire life was good
212:30 forward multi-millionaire life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol
212:33 until I turned to drugs and alcohol actually that part was pretty good too I
212:35 actually that part was pretty good too I love drugs and
212:37 love drugs and alcohol but I did get kicked off the
212:39 alcohol but I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire Fortune that's
212:41 team and lost my entire Fortune that's when the associated way helped me out I
212:44 when the associated way helped me out I got sober I started my own business now
212:46 got sober I started my own business now I got a beautiful wife great kids a
212:48 I got a beautiful wife great kids a mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on
212:51 mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on both coast and a jet and best of all I
212:54 both coast and a jet and best of all I haven't paid any taxes in
213:02 years thank you I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life and
213:04 learned a valuable lesson about life and now to accept the appreciation award on
213:07 now to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our County coordinator is one
213:09 behalf of our County coordinator is one of his flunkies dillbert
213:11 of his flunkies dillbert [Applause]
213:22 on behalf of my boss who didn't care enough to be here thank you for this
213:24 enough to be here thank you for this lovely
213:29 plaque and if you don't mind me saying so what exactly was the lesson we're
213:31 so what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged out
213:33 supposed to get from this drugged out basketball
213:35 basketball player I mean didn't he just teach us
213:38 player I mean didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict your
213:40 that if you become a drug addict your life will turn out
213:46 fine it seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an
213:48 charity concept is nothing but an exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm
213:51 exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm all for helping the disadvantaged but
213:53 all for helping the disadvantaged but aren't most of your funds going towards
213:55 aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs wouldn't it be more
213:58 administrative costs wouldn't it be more effective more cost effective more
214:01 effective more cost effective more impactful if each of us just helped one
214:04 impactful if each of us just helped one other
214:09 person but I digress thank you all for this lovely
214:12 digress thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss I'm sure you could
214:14 plaque for my boss I'm sure you could have fed a family of for for what it
214:16 have fed a family of for for what it costs to make
214:22 it it was just an argument I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind too late
214:24 trying to change anyone's mind too late gandi you've killed charitable giving
214:27 gandi you've killed charitable giving forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn
214:30 forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn it
214:33 it [Music]
214:51 hey what happened what happened get this guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the
214:55 guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the crew that cleans up I understand that
214:58 crew that cleans up I understand that how do you with your college degree you
215:01 how do you with your college degree you know we might not be Engineers but
215:03 know we might not be Engineers but there's a certain science to what we do
215:05 there's a certain science to what we do too well no there's not but I'm not here
215:08 too well no there's not but I'm not here to argue you've just discarded all of
215:11 to argue you've just discarded all of Alice's possessions what this junk where
215:14 Alice's possessions what this junk where she's going she ain't going to be
215:15 she's going she ain't going to be needing it where's she going the street
215:19 needing it where's she going the street the street but how's she going to live
215:21 the street but how's she going to live what about food clothing
215:23 what about food clothing shelter it's no problem it's not nope
215:28 shelter it's no problem it's not nope not anymore tell them homeless Depot is
215:31 not anymore tell them homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs
215:33 the place for all your homeless needs and at prices that can't be beat
215:36 and at prices that can't be beat homeless Depot now in two convenient
215:38 homeless Depot now in two convenient locations our original location at 11233
215:41 locations our original location at 11233 skid row and visit our newest homeless
215:43 skid row and visit our newest homeless Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of
215:46 Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of that abandoned Waterfront area down
215:49 that abandoned Waterfront area down there okay let's see
215:52 there okay let's see sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy
215:56 sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy cigarette butts those are on sale right
215:58 cigarette butts those are on sale right do you have your homeless Depot card of
216:00 do you have your homeless Depot card of course that's another 20% off Alice what
216:04 course that's another 20% off Alice what do you want Dilbert you gave all your
216:06 do you want Dilbert you gave all your money away what choice did I have you
216:08 money away what choice did I have you convinced me that it would be immoral to
216:10 convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it hey that is a spiffy
216:12 hold on to it hey that is a spiffy shopping cart you like it I customized
216:15 shopping cart you like it I customized it is that a motor yeah N9
216:19 it is that a motor yeah N9 horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I
216:23 horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running
216:25 could get the carnival up and running again a carnival you mean like with
216:28 again a carnival you mean like with rides excuse me do I know you I'm your
216:32 rides excuse me do I know you I'm your neighbor I'm your friend I'm your
216:34 neighbor I'm your friend I'm your relative I'm the one you won't make eye
216:37 relative I'm the one you won't make eye contact with the one you're afraid to
216:39 contact with the one you're afraid to say hello to so in other words no
216:48 we're here at the charity Carnival the brainchild of this man Dilbert who
216:50 brainchild of this man Dilbert who ironically is the same man whose popular
216:53 ironically is the same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has
216:55 outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to thousands of
216:57 meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people was that a question there
217:00 needy people was that a question there you have it in his own words he just
217:02 you have it in his own words he just doesn't
217:03 doesn't [Music]
217:15 care wait I know this one it's Ted darn how does he do
217:17 how does he do it next this booth is doing well right
217:21 it next this booth is doing well right this way see the freaks $1 why
217:35 not I can't get an outside line I can't even get an operator to give me an
217:36 even get an operator to give me an outside line what does this button mean
217:39 outside line what does this button mean I've never heard that sound before it's
217:41 I've never heard that sound before it's it's not a busy signal it's more like a
217:43 it's not a busy signal it's more like a a beep beep beep beep that's funny I
217:45 a beep beep beep beep that's funny I could have sworn I put my glasses down
217:47 could have sworn I put my glasses down right here I was reading the paper and
217:49 right here I was reading the paper and then I got
218:05 up step right up knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy
218:08 off a beam with a baseball and win a toy watch how easy it is to win
218:10 watch how easy it is to win [Music]
218:19 [Music] come on folks don't be shy being a
218:21 come on folks don't be shy being a street urchin with a baseball you look
218:23 street urchin with a baseball you look innocent but you know they've done
218:24 innocent but you know they've done something to deserve it what about you
218:27 something to deserve it what about you sir that is disgusting you mean to say
218:30 sir that is disgusting you mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a
218:32 if I hit one of those kids with a baseball I could win some of this stuff
218:35 baseball I could win some of this stuff that's the
218:36 that's the premise isn't that my camera and my
218:39 premise isn't that my camera and my binoculars and my CD player tell you
218:42 binoculars and my CD player tell you what I'll do you hit one kid in the
218:44 what I'll do you hit one kid in the Noggin with one base basball and I'll
218:46 Noggin with one base basball and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth
218:48 give you all the prizes close the booth and go home all the prizes is there an
218:51 and go home all the prizes is there an echo in here all right I'll take a
219:13 shot step right up everybody plays only I win
219:15 I win oh that looks
219:17 oh that looks good yeah how do they do that hi
219:22 good yeah how do they do that hi hi well something smells
219:24 hi well something smells good I am just about parted
219:27 good I am just about parted out oh brother I've got to sit
219:32 out oh brother I've got to sit [Music]
219:36 [Music] down oh nobody's sitting here just take
219:38 down oh nobody's sitting here just take a load off till I get chased
219:58 Dy get a shot of the idiot on the dunking
220:05 [Music] tank ooh
220:09 tank ooh o hi everybody
220:12 o hi everybody [Music]
220:16 [Music] oh my God they've killed the
220:19 oh my God they've killed the [Music]
220:24 [Music] boss there's no pulse are you sure he
220:27 boss there's no pulse are you sure he had one
220:29 had one before he's not breathing do you know
220:32 before he's not breathing do you know what this means what does it mean 3-day
220:35 what this means what does it mean 3-day weekend maybe more somebody's going to
220:37 weekend maybe more somebody's going to have to give him mouth to mouth
220:39 have to give him mouth to mouth resusitation great
220:40 resusitation great [Music]
221:07 that well I'll be who would have guessed it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no
221:10 it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no you were drowning I saved you so you
221:13 you were drowning I saved you so you didn't slip me a Mickey and have your
221:15 didn't slip me a Mickey and have your your away with me no well that's first
221:18 your away with me no well that's first you're a hero now how does it feel
221:21 you're a hero now how does it feel strangely good except for the smell of
221:24 strangely good except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget you
221:26 chili dogs that I may never forget you saw it live one man acting against his
221:29 saw it live one man acting against his own interest to help his fellow man
221:32 own interest to help his fellow man nothing to gain but the knowledge that
221:33 nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some
221:35 he helped another human being in some small way what you have witnessed is
221:38 small way what you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete Rebirth
221:40 nothing less than the complete Rebirth of the spirit of
221:42 of the spirit of giving that's all from here yeah
221:46 giving that's all from here yeah yeah we go that was
221:49 yeah we go that was beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat
221:52 beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat stuck in a drain pipe across
221:55 stuck in a drain pipe across town if I'm not mistaken you just
221:58 town if I'm not mistaken you just performed an act of Charity without
222:00 performed an act of Charity without draining your bank account yeah so I
222:05 draining your bank account yeah so I believe I've made my
222:08 believe I've made my [Music]
222:11 [Music] point I just wanted to hear you admit it
222:21 that woman does not like to lose an [Music]
222:28 [Music] [Applause]
222:28 [Applause] [Music]
222:40 Sho all right I'm not the organic matter you think I am just like anything you
222:42 you think I am just like anything you hear from my employees
222:52 I'm going to need another plaque [Applause]
222:53 [Applause] [Music]
223:29 do I have to wear this yes rat bird it's a dog bird day tradition everyone must
223:31 a dog bird day tradition everyone must wear the uncomfortable festive headgear
223:34 wear the uncomfortable festive headgear except me I think a fruit fly just went
223:37 except me I think a fruit fly just went up my
223:38 up my nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch
223:41 nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade why
223:43 the pine cone celebration parade why don't you go watch it in person then I
223:45 don't you go watch it in person then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary look
223:47 wouldn't get to hear the commentary look Phil it's another one of those big
223:49 Phil it's another one of those big things what are they called I think that
223:52 things what are they called I think that is called a float and the name
223:54 is called a float and the name originated right here in Seattle
224:11 yeah H they got further last year I forget is dog birthday and national
224:13 forget is dog birthday and national holiday well right now it's confined to
224:14 holiday well right now it's confined to the room but I'm trying to take it
224:16 the room but I'm trying to take it national I have a meeting with Congress
224:18 national I have a meeting with Congress tomorrow how do you get a meeting with
224:20 tomorrow how do you get a meeting with Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The
224:23 Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The apwd Bu The Association of people who
224:26 apwd Bu The Association of people who drink beer and use Dynamite exactly
224:29 drink beer and use Dynamite exactly Congress is trying to squelch their
224:31 Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech freedom of speech what
224:33 freedom of speech freedom of speech what exactly are people who drink beer and
224:35 exactly are people who drink beer and use Dynamite trying to say h usually
224:38 use Dynamite trying to say h usually it's something like I'm sorry about what
224:40 it's something like I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe
224:42 happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe but it's not what they say it's their
224:44 but it's not what they say it's their right to say it it is not really it's
224:47 right to say it it is not really it's just an excuse to talk to Congress so I
224:48 just an excuse to talk to Congress so I can push my idea for national dog
224:50 can push my idea for national dog birthday we'll return to the pine cone
224:53 birthday we'll return to the pine cone celebration after the body count now we
224:56 celebration after the body count now we join babe gets what's coming to him
224:58 join babe gets what's coming to him already in
224:59 already in progress how does one celebrate dog
225:02 progress how does one celebrate dog birthday aside from wearing
225:03 birthday aside from wearing uncomfortable hats rat
225:13 bir on dog birthday any child who has been good all year gets the shoplift for
225:15 been good all year gets the shoplift for an hour I think good behavior should be
225:18 an hour I think good behavior should be rewarding the traditional dog birthday
225:20 rewarding the traditional dog birthday Feast is the bald eagle I wanted
225:22 Feast is the bald eagle I wanted something special the traditional music
225:25 something special the traditional music of dog birthday is a drum solo played on
225:27 of dog birthday is a drum solo played on your own skull with
225:29 your own skull with [Music]
225:31 [Music] spoons do you think anyone will catch on
225:33 spoons do you think anyone will catch on to the fact that the entire dog bird Day
225:36 to the fact that the entire dog bird Day holiday is designed for the sole purpose
225:38 holiday is designed for the sole purpose of being annoying no one caught on when
225:40 of being annoying no one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day I
225:42 I invented National Secretary's Day I wondered who came up with that
226:09 [Music] [Laughter]
226:17 [Applause] [Music]
226:35 [Applause] [Music]
227:10 hey you broke my window it was already like that what are
227:12 window it was already like that what are you talking about I watched you do it
227:14 you talking about I watched you do it well well it looks like we have one of
227:16 well well it looks like we have one of those he said she said situations I also
227:19 those he said she said situations I also have it on
227:22 have it on videotape so it's a he said she said
227:24 videotape so it's a he said she said grainy video situation I'll have
227:27 grainy video situation I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a
227:40 second you got quite a list of priors here dick
227:41 here dick [Music]
227:50 now it's going to be awkward every time I see him in the
227:52 I see him in the [Music]
227:58 hallway sign the Secretary's Day card for Carol and run it around have you
228:01 for Carol and run it around have you ever wondered who came up with
228:02 ever wondered who came up with Secretary's Day who comes up with any of
228:05 Secretary's Day who comes up with any of this garbage here I've got a card for
228:07 this garbage here I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding a congratulations
228:09 Jennifer's wedding a congratulations card for Mike's baby three birthdays and
228:12 card for Mike's baby three birthdays and a gender change operation card that says
228:15 a gender change operation card that says get well and then on the inside it says
228:17 get well and then on the inside it says hung cute I signed those already here
228:22 hung cute I signed those already here whoa nice try but I already signed it
228:25 whoa nice try but I already signed it you know the rules you have to find the
228:26 you know the rules you have to find the next person on the routing slip all
228:28 next person on the routing slip all right all
228:31 right all right oh let the hunt
228:35 right oh let the hunt begin I hate
228:44 holidays hey dick old buddy it's your turn to find this Secretary's Day
228:46 turn to find this Secretary's Day [Music]
229:15 card there you are Delbert the meeting's just
229:22 starting can we go now now now loud Howard I know we're all anxious to start
229:24 Howard I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend and get on with our
229:26 the long weekend and get on with our vacation plans what long weekend there
229:29 vacation plans what long weekend there isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think
229:31 isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think that's what makes it long shut up
229:34 that's what makes it long shut up Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes
229:36 Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes be sure to ski near the trees it's more
229:38 be sure to ski near the trees it's more fun that way can we go now no Howard we
229:43 fun that way can we go now no Howard we have to start the meeting hey a sports
229:45 have to start the meeting hey a sports bra can I have that so you're letting
229:47 bra can I have that so you're letting them play sports
229:50 them play sports now that's the same sound made by the
229:53 now that's the same sound made by the [ __ ] before it swallows its prey the
230:01 rhinoceros sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest one of those
230:04 a mongoose to digest one of those beautiful creatures it's quite a sight
230:05 beautiful creatures it's quite a sight you know that's the best time to bagar
230:07 you know that's the best time to bagar Rhino they can't see you coming once
230:09 Rhino they can't see you coming once they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose
230:11 they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose is the size of a cat and they hibernate
230:14 is the size of a cat and they hibernate did you know that can we go now no not
230:19 did you know that can we go now no not quite yet though for the life of me I'm
230:21 quite yet though for the life of me I'm not sure why does anyone know why I
230:23 not sure why does anyone know why I called this meeting anybody I'm asking
230:26 called this meeting anybody I'm asking for
230:32 volunteers I have something to say we have too many holidays we have
230:36 say we have too many holidays we have more holidays than days and if we're not
230:38 more holidays than days and if we're not celebrating a holiday we're either
230:40 celebrating a holiday we're either planning for the next one or we're
230:42 planning for the next one or we're recovering from the last one we spend
230:45 recovering from the last one we spend all our time giving cards to people we
230:47 all our time giving cards to people we don't know decorating cakes for people
230:49 don't know decorating cakes for people we don't care about or buying presents
230:51 we don't care about or buying presents for people we don't even like enough to
230:53 for people we don't even like enough to have his friends outside of work that
230:55 have his friends outside of work that reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh
230:58 reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh you're welcome it seems that someone
231:00 you're welcome it seems that someone invents a new holiday every day holidays
231:03 invents a new holiday every day holidays that don't make sense for reasons that
231:05 that don't make sense for reasons that we don't understand it's made all
231:07 we don't understand it's made all holidays meaningless I've always loved
231:09 holidays meaningless I've always loved Groundhog Day those little guys are so
231:13 Groundhog Day those little guys are so cute before you shoot them is there some
231:16 cute before you shoot them is there some point here yes the reason we can't get
231:19 point here yes the reason we can't get any work done around here is because we
231:20 any work done around here is because we don't have any non-holiday days so you
231:24 don't have any non-holiday days so you think we should work nights instead can
231:28 think we should work nights instead can we go now I am totally preoccupied with
231:30 we go now I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation no point in
231:32 my upcoming vacation no point in fighting it meeting
231:37 [Music] just boys you ought to get out there
231:39 just boys you ought to get out there live a little if you need me I'm
231:41 live a little if you need me I'm reachable in Africa just call Africa and
231:44 reachable in Africa just call Africa and ask for me I told them to expect your
231:47 ask for me I told them to expect your [Applause]
231:49 [Applause] call how come you didn't leave with the
231:51 call how come you didn't leave with the rest of them as Shook on my salary I can
231:53 rest of them as Shook on my salary I can only afford to take vacations within the
231:55 only afford to take vacations within the building
231:56 building itself this year I have saved up enough
231:59 itself this year I have saved up enough money to spend 5 days in the handicapped
232:01 money to spend 5 days in the handicapped toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's
232:03 toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel
232:05 bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel program so I guess it's just you and me
232:06 program so I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow no just you my vacation
232:09 at work tomorrow no just you my vacation commences in 10 minutes but feel free to
232:11 commences in 10 minutes but feel free to visit me there is always room for guests
232:14 visit me there is always room for guests should I bring anything potato salad
232:16 should I bring anything potato salad would be
232:18 would be nice they move the holiday to a Monday
232:21 nice they move the holiday to a Monday so it's a 3-day holiday then they want
232:23 so it's a 3-day holiday then they want to leave on Friday to take full
232:25 to leave on Friday to take full advantage of it but everyone's leaving
232:27 advantage of it but everyone's leaving on Friday and everyone wants to beat the
232:29 on Friday and everyone wants to beat the traffic so they leave on Thursday and if
232:31 traffic so they leave on Thursday and if you're leaving on Thursday why not
232:32 you're leaving on Thursday why not Wednesday night and you can't come back
232:34 Wednesday night and you can't come back on Monday that's still a holiday and you
232:36 on Monday that's still a holiday and you can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody
232:39 can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart
232:41 comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart everybody and you come back on Wednesday
232:43 everybody and you come back on Wednesday so now you're leaving on Wednesday and
232:45 so now you're leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a
232:47 coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a one-day holiday is now a
232:49 one-day holiday is now a [Music]
232:53 [Music] week well I guess I'll call it a
232:56 week well I guess I'll call it a day this Secretary's Day show your
233:00 day this Secretary's Day show your assistant how valuable he is by ordering
233:02 assistant how valuable he is by ordering him to buy flowers for himself at
233:04 him to buy flowers for himself at honeybee Florest and don't forget
233:07 honeybee Florest and don't forget tomorrow the entire city will be closed
233:08 tomorrow the entire city will be closed down for the prism awareness
233:11 down for the prism awareness parade I'm being holidayed to death I
233:14 parade I'm being holidayed to death I can't work I can't listen to music I
233:16 can't work I can't listen to music I can't use the highway a regularly
233:19 can't use the highway a regularly scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a
233:21 scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a [ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr
233:23 [ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr Lorna went on holiday without telling
233:25 Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone in her place we bring you the
233:27 anyone in her place we bring you the Senate subcommittee hearings on oh
233:30 Senate subcommittee hearings on oh something I uh yield my time to the uh
233:33 something I uh yield my time to the uh distinguished senator from one of those
233:34 distinguished senator from one of those states that uh don't deserve roads in
233:38 states that uh don't deserve roads in schools now M Dev what I he here y'all
233:46 schools now M Dev what I he here y'all a
233:47 a b now that's okay I don't know if the
233:51 b now that's okay I don't know if the rest of you heard it but I think he just
233:53 rest of you heard it but I think he just confessed to being a
233:54 confessed to being a communist I'm not
233:57 communist I'm not aun I yield the Senator's time to myself
234:00 aun I yield the Senator's time to myself you can't do that it's against the rules
234:03 you can't do that it's against the rules all in favor of changing the rules and
234:05 all in favor of changing the rules and just maybe getting a huge soft money
234:07 just maybe getting a huge soft money campaign contribution in return say
234:14 I that's better now I'd like you all to sign a bill
234:16 now I'd like you all to sign a bill making dog bird Day a national holiday
234:18 making dog bird Day a national holiday and canceling all other holidays I
234:20 and canceling all other holidays I thought you said you were a lobbyist for
234:22 thought you said you were a lobbyist for the association of beer drinking
234:24 the association of beer drinking Dynamite users now that I support I
234:27 Dynamite users now that I support I don't know about this holiday thing it's
234:28 don't know about this holiday thing it's a package deal I added the dog birthday
234:31 a package deal I added the dog birthday Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and
234:33 Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a
234:36 dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a match here you go son if this sort of
234:39 match here you go son if this sort of thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a
234:40 thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a slippery slope thanks I make a motion
234:43 slippery slope thanks I make a motion that we vote on the national dog
234:45 that we vote on the national dog birthday
234:50 [Music] Bill I fail to see how eliminating all
234:53 Bill I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays is good for Rhode
234:56 the other holidays is good for Rhode Island I for one would miss all the
234:58 Island I for one would miss all the fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the
235:00 fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk
235:03 New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk and depressed and do things I don't
235:05 and depressed and do things I don't remember but always regret app propose
235:08 remember but always regret app propose an amendment that would add all of the
235:10 an amendment that would add all of the holiday traditions to dog bir day dog
235:12 holiday traditions to dog bir day dog birt day would have cheap tacky gifts
235:14 birt day would have cheap tacky gifts dangerous fireworks visits from
235:16 dangerous fireworks visits from unpleasant relatives corny parades bad
235:18 unpleasant relatives corny parades bad barbecues you name it that sounds like
235:21 barbecues you name it that sounds like it would be complicated and Incredibly
235:23 it would be complicated and Incredibly frustrating for everyone I'm all for it
235:26 frustrating for everyone I'm all for it you have my full support down with big
235:30 you have my full support down with big government all in favor say
235:46 I now next on 4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced
235:50 4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced Congress to cancel all holidays in favor
235:54 Congress to cancel all holidays in favor of one holiday dogbert day well also
236:00 of one holiday dogbert day well also hear from his critics dogbert in your
236:04 hear from his critics dogbert in your own words what motivated you to create
236:08 own words what motivated you to create dog birthday I think it stems from my
236:11 dog birthday I think it stems from my religious belief that everyone exists
236:13 religious belief that everyone exists for the sole Purp purp of entertaining
236:15 for the sole Purp purp of entertaining me dog B you little devil I hope you rot
236:18 me dog B you little devil I hope you rot in hell you put us all out of business
236:21 in hell you put us all out of business there's a perfect example there ain't no
236:23 there's a perfect example there ain't no pot of go at the end of your Rainbow
236:26 pot of go at the end of your Rainbow there's a pot of crap you've ruined me
236:29 there's a pot of crap you've ruined me I've got a whole Workshop full of
236:31 I've got a whole Workshop full of starving reindeer and I don't know where
236:33 starving reindeer and I don't know where half of my elves have
236:36 half of my elves have gone
236:38 gone no where am I going to get work now I'm
236:41 no where am I going to get work now I'm a specialist
236:51 no gross up yours Cupid get that back lay off cotton
236:55 back lay off cotton [Music]
236:56 [Music] ass who I haven't got a pot
237:12 to it's always a bit tense around the dog birthday holiday
237:15 dog birthday holiday [Music]
237:23 [Music] dogbert day's always been my favorite
237:26 dogbert day's always been my favorite holiday well the Virgin sacrific the
237:29 holiday well the Virgin sacrific the senseless Slaughter of endangered
237:30 senseless Slaughter of endangered species oh I remember you know when I
237:34 species oh I remember you know when I was a child the first time my dad gave
237:36 was a child the first time my dad gave me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge
237:40 me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge into the heart of the young virgin her
237:42 into the heart of the young virgin her name was June I think at one time we had
237:44 name was June I think at one time we had talked of marriage but when she was dead
237:46 talked of marriage but when she was dead we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny
237:47 we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny how life works out uh just a minor point
237:50 how life works out uh just a minor point of clarification dog bird day is a brand
237:53 of clarification dog bird day is a brand new holiday it's never been celebrated
237:55 new holiday it's never been celebrated before well Christmas had its Scrooge
237:58 before well Christmas had its Scrooge and now dog birth day has its Dilbert
238:01 and now dog birth day has its Dilbert got to go got to do my dog birthday
238:02 got to go got to do my dog birthday shopping oh you'll never guess what I
238:04 shopping oh you'll never guess what I got you never go ahead guess I don't
238:07 got you never go ahead guess I don't know I'll give you a hint it's made of
238:10 know I'll give you a hint it's made of paper and it tells a story I don't know
238:12 paper and it tells a story I don't know a book well I hope hope you're happy
238:14 a book well I hope hope you're happy you've ruined your own
238:17 you've ruined your own [Music]
238:23 [Music] surprise and what would you like for dog
238:25 surprise and what would you like for dog birt day little lady you're not dog birt
238:29 birt day little lady you're not dog birt no but I'm one of his many bitter and
238:31 no but I'm one of his many bitter and underpaid helpers what you tell me what
238:34 underpaid helpers what you tell me what you want and I'll make sure you get it
238:37 you want and I'll make sure you get it just give me your address and leave the
238:39 just give me your address and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight help
238:43 door to your house unlocked tonight help no
238:50 hey no cutting in line I'm not cutting in line I was here you were supposed to
238:53 in line I was here you were supposed to save my place I don't know you oh thanks
238:56 save my place I don't know you oh thanks do you mind if I stand behind you sure
238:59 do you mind if I stand behind you sure hey no cutting in line it's okay he said
239:02 hey no cutting in line it's okay he said I could stand behind him he can't give
239:04 I could stand behind him he can't give permission to stand behind him in fact
239:06 permission to stand behind him in fact the case law is very ambiguous about
239:08 the case law is very ambiguous about people you let in front of you well calm
239:11 people you let in front of you well calm down fella where is your dog bird Spirit
239:13 down fella where is your dog bird Spirit good question maybe I'll call the
239:16 good question maybe I'll call the manager what manager there's no manager
239:19 manager what manager there's no manager people always think there's a manager
239:21 people always think there's a manager some magic manager who's going to put
239:24 some magic manager who's going to put things right well there's
239:34 Noto hey what no cutting in line I was here how could you be here I was here I
239:38 here how could you be here I was here I don't think so was he here I don't know
239:41 don't think so was he here I don't know well it looks like it's your word
239:42 well it looks like it's your word against his I am not not letting this
239:44 against his I am not not letting this happen H you lost your place I didn't I
239:48 happen H you lost your place I didn't I back of the line buddy hey don't forget
239:50 back of the line buddy hey don't forget your gift
240:42 [Music] I'm blind I can't see a
240:49 [Music] [Applause]
240:49 [Applause] [Music]
241:20 [Applause] are you getting
241:26 out you know I think this is the best dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered
241:29 dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered hey just a little trivia did you know
241:31 hey just a little trivia did you know that those huge balloons are filled with
241:33 that those huge balloons are filled with balls of wood well I thought it was
241:35 balls of wood well I thought it was helium well aren't you a piece of
241:38 helium well aren't you a piece of [Laughter]
241:42 [Laughter] wood Alice can you pick up the pace I
241:45 wood Alice can you pick up the pace I want people to see what I look like with
241:46 want people to see what I look like with my ears blown
241:48 my ears blown [Music]
241:52 [Music] back that is excellent potato salad I
241:55 back that is excellent potato salad I have never had better it's the dill
241:56 have never had better it's the dill pickles do not leave here without giving
241:58 pickles do not leave here without giving me that recipe es shook can I ask you a
242:01 me that recipe es shook can I ask you a question ask away I am on vacation and
242:03 question ask away I am on vacation and have all the time in the world what I'm
242:05 have all the time in the world what I'm wondering is how can you be so happy why
242:08 wondering is how can you be so happy why wouldn't I be happy well you're an
242:10 wouldn't I be happy well you're an intern who earns so little you have to
242:12 intern who earns so little you have to take your vacation in the restaur room
242:14 take your vacation in the restaur room that is true and no one gives you any
242:16 that is true and no one gives you any respect whatsoever wh you got me again
242:19 respect whatsoever wh you got me again and your family is in India you have to
242:21 and your family is in India you have to spend the dog bird Day holiday without
242:23 spend the dog bird Day holiday without them not that they're missing much it's
242:25 them not that they're missing much it's the most meaningless holiday ever
242:27 the most meaningless holiday ever invented what time is it my friend it's
242:30 invented what time is it my friend it's 4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at
242:33 4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at my parents home in India they will be
242:35 my parents home in India they will be Awakening soon in a few minutes as they
242:37 Awakening soon in a few minutes as they have every day since I was born they
242:39 have every day since I was born they will wake up and think of me I will be
242:41 will wake up and think of me I will be in their thoughts all day the do you
242:44 in their thoughts all day the do you think of them all day too no I am often
242:46 think of them all day too no I am often caught up in the hustle and bustle of
242:48 caught up in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder
242:51 cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder sometimes I need a dog
242:53 sometimes I need a dog [Music]
243:08 birthday we're stuck now nothing to do but
243:10 but wait ramming speed
243:14 wait ramming speed [Applause]
243:24 well it's not my fault I'm just a [Music]
243:34 [Music] drummer it appears that dog bird's float
243:36 drummer it appears that dog bird's float is attacking the smaller crippled float
243:39 is attacking the smaller crippled float and dog bird has never looked finer his
243:41 and dog bird has never looked finer his cape and Crown were designed by elephant
243:44 cape and Crown were designed by elephant ooh I didn't think you'd have time to
243:47 ooh I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today I wouldn't forget my own
243:49 stop by today I wouldn't forget my own mother on dog birthday the dogbert float
243:52 mother on dog birthday the dogbert float has now crushed float from the PTA the Z
243:54 has now crushed float from the PTA the Z deie French Club and the senior citizen
243:56 deie French Club and the senior citizen Republican party but I think we'd all
243:58 Republican party but I think we'd all agree that dogbert does look better with
244:00 agree that dogbert does look better with his ears blown back by the wind like
244:02 his ears blown back by the wind like that you know I hate all the stuff
244:04 that you know I hate all the stuff leading up to the holidays but I do like
244:06 leading up to the holidays but I do like the holidays themselves it gets a little
244:09 the holidays themselves it gets a little hectic in a little commercial on the
244:11 hectic in a little commercial on the surface and underneath that it's all
244:14 surface and underneath that it's all Hollow and meaningless too but
244:16 Hollow and meaningless too but underneath that yes underneath all the
244:19 underneath that yes underneath all the layers of holess and crassness and
244:22 layers of holess and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism underneath
244:25 vulgarity and commercialism underneath all that there is a warmth and a spirit
244:28 all that there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season you're
244:32 to the holiday season you're [Music]
244:44 [Music] [Applause]
244:45 [Applause] [Music]
244:47 [Music] it's so
244:49 it's so cold you know this is the best dog bird
244:53 cold you know this is the best dog bird day
244:54 day [Music]
245:03 ever they say the trick is to marinate it overnight that's what gives it the
245:12 flavor did you marinate this no I just slapped it with a spatula till it stop
245:14 slapped it with a spatula till it stop trying to get away that's my own little
245:16 trying to get away that's my own little trick you won't see that in any fancy
245:18 trick you won't see that in any fancy cookbook at least I think you won't I
245:21 cookbook at least I think you won't I haven't actually checked
245:24 haven't actually checked [Music]
245:44 [Music] [Applause]
245:47 [Applause] [Music]
246:06 push the button and see how a giant meteor caused the extinction of the
246:08 meteor caused the extinction of the dinosaurs
246:14 H until this moment I had trouble visualizing
246:21 it if aliens help build the pyramids where are they now did they just
246:29 leave H you know what they say history is written by the
246:37 winners let me out of this damn thing please someone push the button to
246:40 please someone push the button to simulate the storm that brought Amelia
246:43 simulate the storm that brought Amelia aart plane
246:53 down no not again oh God make it stop it looks very realistic you don't think
246:55 looks very realistic you don't think that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I
246:58 that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I think the museum found her on an island
246:59 think the museum found her on an island and put her in this exhibit same thing
247:01 and put her in this exhibit same thing happened to King Kong it's not that
247:02 happened to King Kong it's not that unusual come on all
247:12 right stop above you are the billions of stars that make up our universe or so we
247:14 stars that make up our universe or so we used to think we now know those lights
247:16 used to think we now know those lights are an armada of alien ships coming to
247:18 are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the Earth are there any
247:19 destroy the Earth are there any questions yeah what's a black hole well
247:22 questions yeah what's a black hole well my career would be one example any other
247:25 my career would be one example any other questions better not ask him anything
247:27 questions better not ask him anything about Uranus I think I've seen enough
247:30 about Uranus I think I've seen enough there's only so much learning you can
247:32 there's only so much learning you can pack into one day
247:46 un bounded little dog somebody help me for Mercy's sake
247:50 for Mercy's sake [Laughter]
248:14 [Music] [Applause]
248:17 [Applause] [Music]
248:24 he [Applause]
248:35 [Applause] [Music]
248:59 [Music] can I ask you a question that's why I'm
249:01 can I ask you a question that's why I'm here why don't I ever see any other
249:04 here why don't I ever see any other garbage men in this city it's always you
249:06 garbage men in this city it's always you I like to work alone that's impossible
249:08 I like to work alone that's impossible one garbage man cannot handle the whole
249:10 one garbage man cannot handle the whole city I have shortcuts shortcuts what
249:14 city I have shortcuts shortcuts what possible shortcuts would let one person
249:16 possible shortcuts would let one person handle the
249:21 whole well maybe we'll pick this conversation up
249:22 conversation up [Music]
249:30 [Music] later so tell me more about the many
249:34 later so tell me more about the many many ways in which the Stunt Master
249:37 many ways in which the Stunt Master 6 can give me the workout of a lifetime
249:46 keep rolling keep rolling
249:49 rolling uh-huh four easy payments of money will
249:52 uh-huh four easy payments of money will order yours today I'm losing
249:56 order yours today I'm losing Consciousness and yet I'm still
250:04 [Music] aroused input people input but remember
250:08 aroused input people input but remember it's already in the can and we can't
250:09 it's already in the can and we can't change it if I may use a sports analogy
250:11 change it if I may use a sports analogy you really hit the goal poost on that
250:12 you really hit the goal poost on that one yes I guess I did I watched it only
250:16 one yes I guess I did I watched it only once and already I want to date that
250:18 once and already I want to date that model and suffer a head trauma why thank
250:21 model and suffer a head trauma why thank you loud Howard you humble me I've said
250:25 you loud Howard you humble me I've said it before and I'll say it
250:27 it before and I'll say it again what that's as far as I ever get
250:30 again what that's as far as I ever get Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall
250:33 Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep
250:35 I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say or yes you could
250:39 respect and dare I say or yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now
250:42 interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we
250:44 but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the
250:45 getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the
250:47 infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the grunt Master 6000
250:50 new version of the grunt Master 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to
250:51 we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field
250:53 a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only
250:56 testing that's impossible there's only one version of the new grunt master in
250:58 one version of the new grunt master in existence and it's sitting in my Design
251:05 Lab that thing's not ready for human testing we haven't even lab tested the
251:08 testing we haven't even lab tested the technology oh calm down we'll do that
251:11 technology oh calm down we'll do that after the graviton generator alone is
251:14 after the graviton generator alone is very sensitive the graviton generator
251:16 very sensitive the graviton generator alone is very sensitive quit your
251:19 alone is very sensitive quit your whining
251:20 whining Missy I mean what's the worst thing that
251:23 Missy I mean what's the worst thing that could happen if anyone were foolish
251:25 could happen if anyone were foolish enough to build a graviton generator it
251:28 enough to build a graviton generator it would surely create a black hole that
251:31 would surely create a black hole that would annihilate the entire solar system
251:34 would annihilate the entire solar system well I don't know what's the worst thing
251:36 well I don't know what's the worst thing that could happen but when you start
251:37 that could happen but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time
251:40 distorting the fabric of space and time stretching and enfolding upon itself
251:48 nice try but I don't think you Bor him quite to death excellent nice going was
251:52 quite to death excellent nice going was good camp Town lady sing this song doah
251:56 good camp Town lady sing this song doah doah what are you waiting for lady start
251:58 doah what are you waiting for lady start singing Carol said since he hit his head
252:00 singing Carol said since he hit his head he's been talking in his sleep come on
252:02 he's been talking in his sleep come on let's get out of here before he wakes up
252:04 let's get out of here before he wakes up wait let's just hear what he says
252:07 wait let's just hear what he says next
252:08 next boom cooked by explosion when you walk
252:12 boom cooked by explosion when you walk through a storm hold your head up high
252:17 through a storm hold your head up high then you'll trip and fall on your ass in
252:19 then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the
252:20 the mud is that
252:22 mud is that smoke Wally what are you doing well I
252:25 smoke Wally what are you doing well I wanted to make some popcorn but somebody
252:27 wanted to make some popcorn but somebody was using the microwave and the printer
252:28 was using the microwave and the printer has that heater thing and it that makes
252:30 has that heater thing and it that makes the paper
252:38 warm cooked by explosion didn't the boss say that yeah but he was just babbling
252:40 say that yeah but he was just babbling or was he what are you saying that he
252:42 or was he what are you saying that he predicted did this would happen I don't
252:44 predicted did this would happen I don't know am I predicting the future is
252:47 know am I predicting the future is impossible is it yes it violates
252:50 impossible is it yes it violates causality there is no way to know
252:52 causality there is no way to know something will occur until it occurs or
252:54 something will occur until it occurs or is there if you don't stop asking
252:56 is there if you don't stop asking rhetorical questions I'm going to kill
252:58 rhetorical questions I'm going to kill you are
252:59 you are you on the other hand it'd be a pretty
253:02 you on the other hand it'd be a pretty big coincidence if the boss just
253:03 big coincidence if the boss just happened to mention an explosion right
253:05 happened to mention an explosion right before it
253:06 before it happened Alice I think he's
253:15 dead oh man I was in the tunnel I neglected to mention the one glitch with
253:17 neglected to mention the one glitch with the
253:18 the infomercial we have to do it all over I
253:21 infomercial we have to do it all over I had to fire the babe why depends whose
253:24 had to fire the babe why depends whose story you believe mine or the truth I
253:26 story you believe mine or the truth I feel like I've seen this popcorn before
253:29 feel like I've seen this popcorn before this might be a case of deja
253:37 food I can't believe it I can't believe they sent the grunt Master out to some
253:39 they sent the grunt Master out to some defenseless family for testing do you
253:42 defenseless family for testing do you realize the potential for disaster do
253:44 realize the potential for disaster do you
253:45 you realiz the mute button only works on the
253:48 realiz the mute button only works on the TV it was worth a shot we didn't even
253:51 TV it was worth a shot we didn't even have the instruction manual written yet
253:53 have the instruction manual written yet that graviton generator is a bit
253:55 that graviton generator is a bit unpredictable I only hope and pray they
253:58 unpredictable I only hope and pray they found a smart family to test that thing
254:00 found a smart family to test that thing otherwise we may be in grave
254:02 otherwise we may be in grave [Music]
254:10 [Music] trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you
254:14 trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you ain't getting another one that ain't no
254:16 ain't getting another one that ain't no Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks
254:19 Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks like a raccoon because of the tire
254:23 like a raccoon because of the tire marks I believe there's been some
254:25 marks I believe there's been some mistake I forgive you all and now I must
254:27 mistake I forgive you all and now I must bid you all
254:29 bid you all Ado you better hurry up and run them
254:31 Ado you better hurry up and run them over again are you sassing me young I
254:34 over again are you sassing me young I got half of mine you say you got half of
254:37 got half of mine you say you got half of mine you mind your manners Lucas or the
254:40 mine you mind your manners Lucas or the baby Jesus will come down here right now
254:42 baby Jesus will come down here right now and beat the living out of y'all well I
254:44 and beat the living out of y'all well I T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on
254:47 T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on I'll bring them on you little whipper
254:49 I'll bring them on you little whipper snapper hell do you wher he won't
254:51 snapper hell do you wher he won't neither
254:59 [Applause] [Music]
255:11 morons I told you this was stop and this was keep going
255:22 pardon me boy is that the Chattanooga Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track
255:25 Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track 29 thank you very much Dilbert this is
255:28 29 thank you very much Dilbert this is stupid he's been talking nonsense for
255:30 stupid he's been talking nonsense for years and no one thought he was psychic
255:31 years and no one thought he was psychic before the only difference now is he has
255:33 before the only difference now is he has his eyes closed squidders patch teos the
255:37 his eyes closed squidders patch teos the darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in
255:40 darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in space in time the void the abys from
255:43 space in time the void the abys from which no light escapes from which No
255:46 which no light escapes from which No Life
255:48 Life Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for
255:51 Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little
255:54 me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's
255:55 bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's filled with plenty of
255:57 filled with plenty of booze let's see what the skeptic Society
256:00 booze let's see what the skeptic Society has to say about
256:07 [Music] this I assume this is Alice the woman I
256:10 this I assume this is Alice the woman I met at the skeptic Society dinner how
256:12 met at the skeptic Society dinner how did you you do that that's
256:15 did you you do that that's incredible a magician never gives away
256:18 incredible a magician never gives away his secret well the reason I called is
256:22 his secret well the reason I called is because you want me to debunk your
256:24 because you want me to debunk your boss's alleged psychic claims wow at
256:28 boss's alleged psychic claims wow at least tell me how you did that one wish
256:30 least tell me how you did that one wish I could all right so when can you get
256:34 I could all right so when can you get [Music]
256:36 [Music] here are you telling me that was a trick
256:38 here are you telling me that was a trick too yes Alice a good magician can
256:41 too yes Alice a good magician can duplicate any trick done by a so-called
256:44 duplicate any trick done by a so-called psychic or Mentalist for example watch
256:54 this down [Music]
256:57 [Music] Downs Lucas if you break it the baby
257:00 Downs Lucas if you break it the baby Jesus will take you to hell and burn you
257:02 Jesus will take you to hell and burn you like a pork chop for
257:12 eternity what the I ain't never see Loy that don't look
257:19 right you've just been listening to a song I was on the phone so I have no
257:22 song I was on the phone so I have no idea what it was now the news we take
257:24 idea what it was now the news we take you to our sister station K that's all
257:26 you to our sister station K that's all we could think of squidders patch
257:36 Texas oh my God my worst fear has come true you mean a pregnant spider crawled
257:38 true you mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose while you were sleeping and
257:39 up your nose while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head okay my second
257:42 laid eggs in your head okay my second worst fear that you'll destroy the world
257:44 worst fear that you'll destroy the world with one of your inventions yes dogbert
257:47 with one of your inventions yes dogbert we've got to go to squiders patch
257:49 we've got to go to squiders patch [Music]
257:57 immediately I Dream of Genie with the light yellow
258:01 Dream of Genie with the light yellow hair floating
258:03 hair floating like a vapor in the soft summer
258:07 like a vapor in the soft summer air whoa that's no
258:11 air whoa that's no Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought
258:13 Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy
258:16 into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy everyone is bald and poorly dressed and
258:19 everyone is bald and poorly dressed and if you hadn't noticed no one is doing
258:21 if you hadn't noticed no one is doing anything that looks like work it's
258:25 anything that looks like work it's Utopia not for long I brought a world
258:28 Utopia not for long I brought a world famous skeptic to debunk that fraud
258:31 famous skeptic to debunk that fraud Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please
258:35 Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please call me
258:36 call me the I don't do that forget the chit
258:40 the I don't do that forget the chit check get to work
258:43 check get to work people I am the amazing Rudolph and I
258:45 people I am the amazing Rudolph and I will show you how easily a skilled
258:48 will show you how easily a skilled magician can reproduce any of these
258:50 magician can reproduce any of these so-called psychic
259:03 tricks whoops he's a witch no just a skilled Illusionist that is my point if
259:06 skilled Illusionist that is my point if you're just an Illusionist tell us how
259:08 you're just an Illusionist tell us how you made the bird appear a magician
259:10 you made the bird appear a magician never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by
259:12 never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by The Magician's Code of Ethics well
259:14 The Magician's Code of Ethics well that's awfully convenient isn't it that
259:16 that's awfully convenient isn't it that sounds like something a witch would say
259:18 sounds like something a witch would say kill the
259:21 kill the witch she was the daughter of Rosie
259:26 witch she was the daughter of Rosie Grady a regular old fashion girl with
259:30 Grady a regular old fashion girl with one important distinction listen he
259:33 one important distinction listen he wants us to go to Texas and throw the
259:35 wants us to go to Texas and throw the witch in the black
259:37 witch in the black hole he didn't say that I know but I've
259:41 hole he didn't say that I know but I've always wanted to go to
259:48 Texas people I can't give away my Trade Secrets but perhaps I can give you a
259:58 hint all right I'll tell you I'll tell you everything nah forget it now we'd
260:01 you everything nah forget it now we'd rather throw you in the hole come on I
260:03 rather throw you in the hole come on I ain't got all day
260:07 ain't got all day [Music]
260:25 that's a good sign I heard you can tell a place is okay if the truckers eat
260:36 there I guess excuse me just ain't going to cut it
260:44 no so what can I get you fellas to swallow could we see a menu this ain't
260:46 swallow could we see a menu this ain't Paris boy okay give us two of whatever
260:50 Paris boy okay give us two of whatever you've touched the least two soaps make
260:54 you've touched the least two soaps make that
260:55 that one hey what's happening to my cup hey
260:59 one hey what's happening to my cup hey what
261:11 the hey Eustace what's making everything all stretchy I ain't paying for this
261:14 all stretchy I ain't paying for this here
261:16 here gas I'd say squidders patch is that
261:24 [Music] way I'll meet you at the black hole I
261:27 way I'll meet you at the black hole I think we need some
261:43 help professor St Hawking please sign here if you
261:51 would thank you send up Professor Hawking straight away here he
261:54 Hawking straight away here he comes here you are one Nobel prize
261:57 comes here you are one Nobel prize winning lucasi and professor of
261:59 winning lucasi and professor of mathematics expert on all astrophysical
262:01 mathematics expert on all astrophysical phenomena and black hoes in particular
262:04 phenomena and black hoes in particular hello dog bird hey Steve will there be
262:07 hello dog bird hey Steve will there be anything else how do I move him around
262:09 anything else how do I move him around oh terribly sorry just use this
262:12 oh terribly sorry just use this [Music]
262:39 I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions about the black
262:41 scientific questions about the black hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever
262:43 hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever had sexual relations near a black hole
262:47 had sexual relations near a black hole not that I know of then you don't deny
262:49 not that I know of then you don't deny that someone famous has had sexual
262:51 that someone famous has had sexual relations near a black
262:53 relations near a black hole does anyone have a question about
262:55 hole does anyone have a question about the
262:56 the science there's nothing here
262:59 science there's nothing here [Music]
263:26 wow you're Steven Hawking I read your book did you buy it or read it in the
263:29 book did you buy it or read it in the library I think I borrowed it you gep
263:32 library I think I borrowed it you gep bastard boys please can we focus on this
263:35 bastard boys please can we focus on this black hole problem there is no rush as
263:38 black hole problem there is no rush as long as nothing disturbs The Singularity
263:41 long as nothing disturbs The Singularity the hole will grow
263:42 the hole will grow very
263:44 very [Music]
263:52 slowly where's rude come on Wall-E dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in
263:54 with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons come on
264:10 alive check that Wally
264:13 that Wally Wally is gone don't thank me thank the
264:17 Wally is gone don't thank me thank the black
264:18 black hole someone must go into the
264:20 hole someone must go into the singularity and stop whatever caused the
264:23 singularity and stop whatever caused the black hole in the first place it's a
264:25 black hole in the first place it's a simple case of Wormhole travel using a
264:27 simple case of Wormhole travel using a shortcut in
264:29 shortcut in SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a
264:32 SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a few things but he was my friend it's all
264:35 few things but he was my friend it's all my fault I caused this to happen I'm
264:38 my fault I caused this to happen I'm going in after him
264:52 me just let me get my breath this is a big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond
264:56 big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond belief one small step
265:03 for jilbert you seem strangely silent shall
265:06 jilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep
265:08 I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say Awe yes you could
265:12 respect and dare I say Awe yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now
265:16 interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we
265:17 but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the
265:19 getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the
265:21 infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the gruntmaster 6000
265:23 new version of the gruntmaster 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to
265:25 we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field
265:27 a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only
265:30 testing that's impossible there's only one it's in my would you excuse me
265:52 [Applause] [Music]
265:57 [Music] yes the doors locked oh well in that
266:06 case CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky
266:12 CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky a had no loving since see January 30th
266:17 a had no loving since see January 30th 1955
266:19 1955 [Music]
266:22 [Music] huh and the farmer's daughter says I see
266:26 huh and the farmer's daughter says I see you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing
266:32 you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing is it garbage day again it's always
266:35 is it garbage day again it's always garbage day
266:37 garbage day somewhere Professor Hawking what are you
266:39 somewhere Professor Hawking what are you doing here isn't this several thousand
266:42 doing here isn't this several thousand miles out of your way actually it's a
266:45 miles out of your way actually it's a shortcut a shortcut my street is a
266:49 shortcut a shortcut my street is a shortcut to England yes will Somebody
266:52 shortcut to England yes will Somebody explain to me what's going on no
266:56 explain to me what's going on no no hey I've got a copy of your book in
266:59 no hey I've got a copy of your book in my trunk would you mind signing it I
267:02 my trunk would you mind signing it I already signed it no you didn't it's
267:04 already signed it no you didn't it's locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I
267:08 locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I already signed
267:10 already signed it you're on
267:12 it you're on [Music]
267:39 the joke's on him he'll never be able to collect the five
267:45 you didn't really think you'd win a bet with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian
267:47 with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian professor of mathematics at least I
267:50 professor of mathematics at least I didn't pay for his stupid book
267:52 didn't pay for his stupid book [Music]
268:30 get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day get out of bed
268:33 and assimilate the day get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate
268:35 resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day I wonder if I could ever date a
268:38 the day I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal
268:41 woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal okay that's enough out of you do not
268:43 okay that's enough out of you do not touch me then how do I turn you off
268:45 touch me then how do I turn you off believe me I am plenty turned off right
268:47 believe me I am plenty turned off right now clock
269:01 teas dogbert why are you trying to kill the mailman I'm just seeing how much he
269:03 the mailman I'm just seeing how much he can carry he's up to seven times his own
269:05 can carry he's up to seven times his own weight
269:19 neither rain nor sleep nor the hell with that
269:25 ow I'd put an end to this cruel game except we're saving a fortune on heating
269:27 except we're saving a fortune on heating bills
269:53 [Music] [Applause]
270:00 [Applause] [Music]
270:03 [Music] CH yes
270:05 CH yes [Music]
270:14 [Music] [Applause]
270:16 [Applause] [Music]
270:21 [Applause] [Music]
270:43 and what makes these gift catalogs doesn't anything qualify as a gift if
270:45 doesn't anything qualify as a gift if you give it to someone I think they mean
270:47 you give it to someone I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't in a million
270:48 it's stuff you wouldn't in a million years buy for yourself if you wouldn't
270:50 years buy for yourself if you wouldn't buy it for yourself then who needs
270:52 buy it for yourself then who needs someone to buy it for you it's the
270:54 someone to buy it for you it's the thought that counts on that same topic
270:56 thought that counts on that same topic it's your mother's birthday next week oh
270:58 it's your mother's birthday next week oh no not again so soon it seems like only
271:01 no not again so soon it seems like only a year ago I was giving her something
271:03 a year ago I was giving her something she hates help I can't swim you're not
271:07 she hates help I can't swim you're not going to drown you're just covered with
271:09 going to drown you're just covered with cataloges B help by can
271:13 cataloges B help by can read why don't you get your mom
271:15 read why don't you get your mom something from the mall no oh yes I
271:18 something from the mall no oh yes I forgot the Unspeakable event from your
271:20 forgot the Unspeakable event from your youth don't you think it's time you got
271:22 youth don't you think it's time you got over that I'm sure I can find the
271:24 over that I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom without leaving
271:26 perfect present for mom without leaving this couch today we'll be featuring our
271:29 this couch today we'll be featuring our special line of moon conium gems as
271:32 special line of moon conium gems as black and Sy as real moon rocks plus
271:34 black and Sy as real moon rocks plus they're guaranteed for three months
271:38 they're guaranteed for three months moonium but first the latest in
271:41 moonium but first the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment
271:43 high-tech surveillance equipment straight from the tattered remains of
271:45 straight from the tattered remains of the cash desperate former KGB hand me
271:48 the cash desperate former KGB hand me the phone my mother does not want spy
271:50 the phone my mother does not want spy gear for her birthday it's not for her
271:52 gear for her birthday it's not for her it's to use on her we'll find out
271:54 it's to use on her we'll find out exactly what she wants it's wrong but I
271:58 exactly what she wants it's wrong but I would like an excuse to buy some spy
272:00 would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment this is insane wait Target in
272:04 equipment this is insane wait Target in motion she's headed for the
272:06 motion she's headed for the [Music]
272:08 [Music] den yes officer there's two of them a
272:11 den yes officer there's two of them a big one and a small one I don't know
272:13 big one and a small one I don't know what they're doing but they've been out
272:15 what they're doing but they've been out there for hours I think they might be
272:17 there for hours I think they might be aiming some kind of Ray at my
272:21 aiming some kind of Ray at my house I suppose they could be terrorists
272:23 house I suppose they could be terrorists now that you mention it or maybe our own
272:26 now that you mention it or maybe our own people I've written some strong letters
272:28 people I've written some strong letters to the FED about monetary policy all
272:30 to the FED about monetary policy all right I think we've gathered enough
272:32 right I think we've gathered enough intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop
272:35 intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot
272:37 and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot why should we stop well it would be a
272:39 why should we stop well it would be a lot easier for us the targets at the
272:41 lot easier for us the targets at the shooting range don't run are you
272:43 shooting range don't run are you thinking what I'm thinking that if I get
272:45 thinking what I'm thinking that if I get a head start running your body will
272:47 a head start running your body will shield me from the spray of
272:49 shield me from the spray of bullets hold your fire they're
273:00 running a sh could you clean that up I am an engineering intern not a coffee
273:02 am an engineering intern not a coffee cleaner uper Alice could you clean up
273:04 cleaner uper Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly
273:06 the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I
273:10 discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have
273:12 don't mind see she doesn't have a there you
273:15 a there you go why don't you just get your mom a
273:17 go why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate no I got her cash last
273:19 gift certificate no I got her cash last year she said it was insulting but a
273:21 year she said it was insulting but a gift certificate is completely different
273:23 gift certificate is completely different from cash no it's not they're both
273:25 from cash no it's not they're both pieces of paper you can exchange for
273:26 pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services you're missing the
273:28 goods and services you're missing the point actually a gift certificate is
273:31 point actually a gift certificate is worse than cash because you can only use
273:32 worse than cash because you can only use it in one place and it expires at least
273:36 it in one place and it expires at least it shows some thought it shows defective
273:38 it shows some thought it shows defective thought you're trading perfectly good
273:40 thought you're trading perfectly good money for something that does the the
273:41 money for something that does the the same thing only not as well oh one other
273:44 same thing only not as well oh one other thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go
273:48 thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why
273:50 to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why don't you just get her something at the
273:57 mall Gilbert you okay I'm totally fine what are you
274:00 okay I'm totally fine what are you accusing me of everyone's afraid of
274:01 accusing me of everyone's afraid of something I don't want to talk about
274:04 something I don't want to talk about it well back to
274:07 it well back to work you know if we tried to get to the
274:10 work you know if we tried to get to the bottom of this it could kill the whole
274:11 bottom of this it could kill the whole morning and yet it would look exactly
274:14 morning and yet it would look exactly like work to the Casual Observer I'm
274:18 like work to the Casual Observer I'm in come on Delbert it's me your old pal
274:21 in come on Delbert it's me your old pal what's the point of an office friendship
274:23 what's the point of an office friendship if you don't expose each other's
274:24 if you don't expose each other's weaknesses and then ridicule them he's
274:26 weaknesses and then ridicule them he's right Dilbert all most of us have to get
274:28 right Dilbert all most of us have to get us through the day is knowing that we're
274:30 us through the day is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else fine
274:33 slightly better than somebody else fine fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable
274:36 fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable going to the
274:37 going to the mall it all happened when I was 5 years
274:39 mall it all happened when I was 5 years old my father took me to the the all for
274:42 old my father took me to the the all for the first
274:51 time daddy I think those machines are calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home
274:56 calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home I'll see if there's some sort of
274:58 I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit
275:00 prescription drug to dull your spirit right now we need to buy your mother a
275:02 right now we need to buy your mother a birthday
275:04 birthday gift all you can eat all you can eat
275:10 gift all you can eat all you can eat we'll see about that
275:12 we'll see about that [Music]
275:29 daddy what's the matter little boy are you lost where are your parents did they
275:33 you lost where are your parents did they leave you all alone no no no no my
275:36 leave you all alone no no no no my father's over what does he look like he
275:38 father's over what does he look like he he looks big and he's got a a hat and he
275:42 he looks big and he's got a a hat and he Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy
276:02 again I will take you to the mall Dilbert I will help you find your father
276:06 Dilbert I will help you find your father and I will buy some batteries while I'm
276:07 and I will buy some batteries while I'm there Wally this is so unlike you why
276:10 there Wally this is so unlike you why are you offering the help help me I'm
276:12 are you offering the help help me I'm out of
276:17 batteries it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in
276:20 mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the the other one
276:23 market research since the the other one I was going to say other one you boys
276:25 I was going to say other one you boys from marketing have done it again you
276:27 from marketing have done it again you you're like the
276:29 you're like the three guys from marketing who bring us
276:33 three guys from marketing who bring us things like this does it get
276:36 things like this does it get HBO according to the direction you just
276:38 HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it
276:40 strap it on some sucker's head and it records his excitement level when
276:41 records his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we
276:44 exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops
276:46 need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a
277:02 oh this is so sexist I am not the only person in this room who shops where do
277:04 person in this room who shops where do you get the clothes you're wearing I won
277:06 you get the clothes you're wearing I won these clothes in a contest yeah I always
277:07 these clothes in a contest yeah I always pick up an extra suitcase at the airport
277:09 pick up an extra suitcase at the airport luggage carousel we're wearing his hand
277:11 luggage carousel we're wearing his hand me downs sometimes I just find stuff
277:13 me downs sometimes I just find stuff after I
277:28 thing time to see how my stocks are doing hello and welcome to movie phone
277:31 doing hello and welcome to movie phone if you know the name of the movie you'd
277:33 if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see press one i
277:37 like to see press one i b m you have purchased tickets for
277:41 b m you have purchased tickets for gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if
277:44 gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if this purchase is correct press one i
277:50 this purchase is correct press one i b m thank you oh the heck with this this
277:54 b m thank you oh the heck with this this thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck
277:56 thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck out and catch a
277:58 out and catch a flick gruesome Carnage is at the big
278:00 flick gruesome Carnage is at the big mall clex I'm
278:03 mall clex I'm there I can't believe I finally return
278:06 there I can't believe I finally return to the source of all my childhood angst
278:08 to the source of all my childhood angst I feel like this is where I'll either
278:10 I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons or be destroyed by
278:30 them you got any gum ah is that so you don't have to confront your fear this my
278:33 don't have to confront your fear this my friend is the latest in virtual reality
278:35 friend is the latest in virtual reality parking technology if there's a parking
278:37 parking technology if there's a parking space in here I'll find it
278:41 space in here I'll find it [Music]
278:46 what's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car too
278:50 a bunch of packages to their car too risky
278:52 risky and there the perfect
278:56 and there the perfect spot could somebody hit three
279:12 please uh let's see we're here we are aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if
279:15 aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if we're not here then where are we and if
279:18 we're not here then where are we and if we are here where is here isn't here
279:20 we are here where is here isn't here there I would think here is here you
279:23 there I would think here is here you would here's there there's
279:38 [Music] here this isn't working
279:41 here this isn't working I told you we should buy the oxygen not
279:44 I told you we should buy the oxygen not just the masks I just can't bring myself
279:46 just the masks I just can't bring myself to buy
280:19 hey that's the j400 model that's the same one I have that'll cut through a
280:21 same one I have that'll cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough
280:23 limb like it's a roll of cookie dough once I was giving myself a haircut and a
280:26 once I was giving myself a haircut and a darn near severed M you shut
280:39 up uh Wall-E I think we're about to be attacked oh don't worry about the
280:41 attacked oh don't worry about the natives natives yeah they're the mall
280:44 natives natives yeah they're the mall natives they're A Primitive society that
280:47 natives they're A Primitive society that live in the mall why do they live in the
280:48 live in the mall why do they live in the mall Legend has it they came for the
280:51 mall Legend has it they came for the early morning power walks and just
280:53 early morning power walks and just stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy
280:57 stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy nordstr discount Spencer gift he says
280:59 nordstr discount Spencer gift he says you look familiar he does who do I look
281:02 you look familiar he does who do I look like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap
281:06 like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap Kids W the book
281:13 limited limited two Montgomery War limited two Disney Store wetzels
281:15 limited two Disney Store wetzels pretzels they say there's a legend of a
281:17 pretzels they say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you living at
281:19 man who looks a lot like you living at the all not because he can't escape but
281:21 the all not because he can't escape but because he likes it here
281:28 C do they know where the red oyster is do they know how to get
281:30 do they know how to get there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration
281:33 there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp
281:37 Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp sp they fear the food court great
281:42 sp they fear the food court great [Applause]
281:43 [Applause] [Music]
281:49 that's right fear it a $50,000 spending limit in just 7.4%
282:00 interest that was a good one I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the
282:02 you can't fling that nun into the decorative
282:04 decorative Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a
282:07 Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a simple matter of aerodynamics you'd
282:09 simple matter of aerodynamics you'd never get the distance with the nun but
282:11 never get the distance with the nun but you see this next guy with the huge
282:13 you see this next guy with the huge pants he'll Glide like a flying
282:16 pants he'll Glide like a flying [Music]
282:18 [Music] squirrel yo this is totally
282:21 squirrel yo this is totally [Music]
282:29 spacious do it again do it again all right one
282:37 more why are people flying off the escalator and what happened to dog BT
282:40 escalator and what happened to dog BT and why do I think those questions are
282:42 and why do I think those questions are related we must not concern ourselves
282:45 related we must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm now we
282:46 with questions beyond our realm now we must focus on the task at
283:06 directions excuse me this is all we have as far as you're concerned I'm not here
283:08 as far as you're concerned I'm not here to shop I need directions to the red
283:11 to shop I need directions to the red oyster restaurant go out that way turn
283:13 oyster restaurant go out that way turn left yes turn left and don't come back
283:28 thanks Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes this can't be
283:30 of purchasing those shoes this can't be right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to
283:33 right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to protect my feet not because they look
283:39 [Music] pretty shut up
283:46 if we go down this Hall leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart
283:48 mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart then we can drop a rope swing into
283:50 then we can drop a rope swing into Victoria's Secret and set up camp for
283:52 Victoria's Secret and set up camp for the
283:57 night Daddy
284:02 [Music] Daddy Alice Wall-E I shook
284:17 what's the matter with him drunk maybe he just seems drunk maybe he's got that
284:19 he just seems drunk maybe he's got that disease alcoholism yeah that's
284:21 disease alcoholism yeah that's [Music]
284:46 eat dad Dilbert is that you yes it's me Dad what are you doing here quite simply
284:49 Dad what are you doing here quite simply I'm not done but why continue why not
284:52 I'm not done but why continue why not just come home I can't son I know it's
284:55 just come home I can't son I know it's hard to understand but it's all you can
284:58 hard to understand but it's all you can eat I don't understand why is that so
285:01 eat I don't understand why is that so important to you oh in the beginning it
285:04 important to you oh in the beginning it was just a challenge man against Buffet
285:07 was just a challenge man against Buffet human pitted against an Ever Changing
285:09 human pitted against an Ever Changing array of hot and cold dishes but I can't
285:13 array of hot and cold dishes but I can't give up now son what would you think of
285:15 give up now son what would you think of me then couldn't you call it a draw I
285:18 me then couldn't you call it a draw I mean you put up a heck of a fight I
285:20 mean you put up a heck of a fight I thought about it but it became more than
285:21 thought about it but it became more than a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't
285:25 a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a
285:28 just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a way of life a commitment and we must
285:30 way of life a commitment and we must honor our commitments remember Dilbert
285:33 honor our commitments remember Dilbert at the all you can eat buffet the only
285:35 at the all you can eat buffet the only obstacle is yourself or an obstructed
285:39 obstacle is yourself or an obstructed colon does that mean you won't leave
285:42 colon does that mean you won't leave only when I'm finished it's my moral
285:44 only when I'm finished it's my moral duty to fill my plate up again and again
285:47 duty to fill my plate up again and again and again if you don't fill yourself up
285:49 and again if you don't fill yourself up Dilbert then you're empty you see what I
285:52 Dilbert then you're empty you see what I mean son I think so son you will never
285:56 mean son I think so son you will never find what you seek until you stop
285:59 find what you seek until you stop looking for instance for years they
286:01 looking for instance for years they stopped serving Jello mold until I
286:04 stopped serving Jello mold until I stopped seeking it sure enough there it
286:07 stopped seeking it sure enough there it was in three new colors lime raspberry
286:11 was in three new colors lime raspberry and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad
286:14 and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad good I must go to the buffet now my son
286:17 good I must go to the buffet now my son because you're hungry it's like I'm
286:20 because you're hungry it's like I'm talking to the
286:21 talking to the broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your
286:25 broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your mother they have
286:34 pie goodbye Dad
286:43 okay we can go finally where's the parking stub we
286:46 go finally where's the parking stub we need to get it validated I gave it to
286:49 need to get it validated I gave it to you no you didn't I gave it to you no
286:51 you no you didn't I gave it to you no way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I
286:55 way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I never touched that ticket well now we're
286:57 never touched that ticket well now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge
286:59 going to have to pay the maximum charge we it's your car buddy can't we split it
287:03 we it's your car buddy can't we split it sure you two can I will take public
287:06 sure you two can I will take public transportation I dare you this is
287:08 transportation I dare you this is amazing who buys this kind of crap
287:28 [Music] hat let's see oh the husband is the
287:38 killer um oh the president and the waitress are the same person what
287:49 a o this is a good one it turns out the human scientist is actually working for
287:51 human scientist is actually working for the aliens you'd never have guessed
287:55 the aliens you'd never have guessed it wait Did you know that popcorn is
287:59 it wait Did you know that popcorn is mostly air and it's marked up over
288:02 mostly air and it's marked up over 5,000% you're paying for overpriced air
288:06 5,000% you're paying for overpriced air wake up
288:08 wake up people there he is Chase him down
288:17 [Music] oh come on one more oh all
288:21 oh come on one more oh all [Music]
288:35 [Music] right I bet this is how cir tole got
288:37 right I bet this is how cir tole got started mhm
288:46 thank you dog bird this is very nice there's only one like it you always get
288:48 there's only one like it you always get me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert
288:52 me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert got me some unidentified thing with
288:55 got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it there's lots more where
288:57 saliva on it there's lots more where that came from I'm sure there is dear
289:00 that came from I'm sure there is dear thank you and last but not least
289:04 thank you and last but not least whatever Dilbert got me a gift
289:08 whatever Dilbert got me a gift certificate oh and look it's got a
289:11 certificate oh and look it's got a little expiration date right there in
289:13 little expiration date right there in the corner you hate it don't you oh I
289:16 the corner you hate it don't you oh I love it dear you've traded your money
289:19 love it dear you've traded your money for something that's just like money but
289:21 for something that's just like money but much more restricted I kind of ran out
289:24 much more restricted I kind of ran out of time at the mall you went to the mall
289:28 of time at the mall you went to the mall for me well yeah you're terrified of the
289:34 for me well yeah you're terrified of the mall
289:37 mall yeah oh and there's this oh my
289:54 hi well at least he looks well fed that he is did he say anything Dilbert did he
289:58 he is did he say anything Dilbert did he say anything he
290:00 say anything he said there's pie
290:04 said there's pie [Music]
290:43 that that was even more fascinating than last week could we go someplace else
290:45 last week could we go someplace else next time Mom any place please there's
290:48 next time Mom any place please there's so much more to see we practically ran
290:51 so much more to see we practically ran through the exhibit of giraffe neck
290:53 through the exhibit of giraffe neck babies those babies are so fake oh
290:57 babies those babies are so fake oh they're real that's not the sort of
290:59 they're real that's not the sort of thing they'd lie about that's exactly
291:01 thing they'd lie about that's exactly the sort of thing they'd lie about back
291:03 the sort of thing they'd lie about back me up on this dog BT oh they're
291:11 real how did you get so distrustful well I'm just guessing but
291:13 distrustful well I'm just guessing but maybe it was because you lied to me
291:14 maybe it was because you lied to me about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to
291:16 about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to me about the Easter Bunny then you lied
291:18 me about the Easter Bunny then you lied to me about Santa Claus then you lied to
291:19 to me about Santa Claus then you lied to me about the storf bringing babies he
291:22 me about the storf bringing babies he knows about the stor my fault I let him
291:25 knows about the stor my fault I let him watch the nature Channel he put two and
291:27 watch the nature Channel he put two and two together now I don't believe
291:28 two together now I don't believe anything I'm told unless there's proof
291:31 anything I'm told unless there's proof this paper weight is an exact replica of
291:34 this paper weight is an exact replica of the largest fibroid tumor ever removed
291:37 the largest fibroid tumor ever removed from a human uterus that's ridiculous
291:40 from a human uterus that's ridiculous how do they know it's the biggest one
291:42 how do they know it's the biggest one there's an annual Festival in
291:52 Monteray get the turbo Supreme the commercial says it whitens your teeth
291:54 commercial says it whitens your teeth while you drive that's ridiculous but
291:57 while you drive that's ridiculous but I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just
291:59 I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just to prove you
292:06 wrong you have to believe in some things without proof Dilbert otherwise life
292:08 without proof Dilbert otherwise life will appear meaningless maybe life is
292:11 will appear meaningless maybe life is meaningless did you ever think of that
292:13 meaningless did you ever think of that that one is getting lighter
292:16 that one is getting lighter already dogberg could you go inside and
292:19 already dogberg could you go inside and take care of our
292:21 take care of our [Music]
292:23 [Music] bill do you ever feel bloated after
292:26 bill do you ever feel bloated after eating a big meal yes I do how' you know
292:29 eating a big meal yes I do how' you know that I'm a surgeon your problem is
292:31 that I'm a surgeon your problem is caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your
292:33 caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your uterus I can remove it if you have a
292:35 uterus I can remove it if you have a health plan I don't have a health
292:37 health plan I don't have a health plan can I pay you with gas ah all right
292:42 plan can I pay you with gas ah all right I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa
292:45 I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa and one thing I left in the
292:52 car I'll always remember the day that little surgeon saved my life I'm telling
292:55 little surgeon saved my life I'm telling you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes
292:57 you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes while you pump gas my daddy always
292:59 while you pump gas my daddy always pumped gas this way and he's still alive
293:02 pumped gas this way and he's still alive or at least it looks that way when the
293:03 or at least it looks that way when the wind catches his rocking chair just
293:06 wind catches his rocking chair just right you can open your eyes now that
293:09 right you can open your eyes now that didn't even Hur I'll have to send this
293:11 didn't even Hur I'll have to send this to the
293:13 to the lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme
293:18 lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme [Music]
293:19 [Music] [Laughter]
293:23 [Laughter] [Music]
293:33 [Music] [Laughter]
293:35 [Laughter] [Music]
293:46 [Music] [Applause]
293:48 [Applause] [Music]
294:02 [Music] [Applause]
294:03 [Applause] [Music]
294:27 oh my God Dilbert can you hear me can you do something for him little surgeon
294:29 you do something for him little surgeon no I use the last of the plastic forks
294:31 no I use the last of the plastic forks when I operated on you whatever happens
294:33 when I operated on you whatever happens is on your conscience now wake up
294:36 is on your conscience now wake up filbert wake up can you hear me
294:50 I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading
294:58 about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife
295:40 more he's dead Dilbert is dead are you sure here
295:52 yes hey I don't know what kind of manners
295:54 hey I don't know what kind of manners they have in the afterlife funny boy but
295:56 they have in the afterlife funny boy but on Earth you watch your hands am I
296:04 alive actually you're down a court you're a miracle worker little surgeon
296:07 you're a miracle worker little surgeon you got that right dear now that you're
296:09 you got that right dear now that you're alive again I need to ask you one very
296:12 alive again I need to ask you one very important question yes Mom are my teeth
296:15 important question yes Mom are my teeth any
296:21 whiter and then I traveled back down the tunnel and woke up at the gas station
296:24 tunnel and woke up at the gas station are you telling me the afterlife is a
296:26 are you telling me the afterlife is a stinking cubicle I'm just telling you
296:28 stinking cubicle I'm just telling you what I saw how fast was the internet
296:31 what I saw how fast was the internet connection I don't know if it had an
296:33 connection I don't know if it had an internet connection well this raises
296:35 internet connection well this raises many troubling questions about the
296:37 many troubling questions about the afterlife first how do you get your
296:39 afterlife first how do you get your softare were
296:42 softare were upgraded I guess it was just the one
296:44 upgraded I guess it was just the one question so technically you were dead I
296:49 question so technically you were dead I think so no more employee benefits for
296:51 think so no more employee benefits for you my dead friend but I came back to
296:54 you my dead friend but I came back to life rules or rules can't change me try
296:55 life rules or rules can't change me try to look at the big picture happy
296:57 to look at the big picture happy birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody
297:00 birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody eat cake and see if your morale goes up
297:03 eat cake and see if your morale goes up yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries
297:05 yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries have to watch the phones oh sure I can
297:07 have to watch the phones oh sure I can buy the cake and I can buy the gift but
297:09 buy the cake and I can buy the gift but the world would end if I let one phone
297:11 the world would end if I let one phone call go to voicemail sometimes I call
297:13 call go to voicemail sometimes I call her my
297:22 boss that usually gets a laugh did anyone bring the birthday kit got
297:34 it do we get any cake Howard whose birthday is it yours does anyone care
297:38 birthday is it yours does anyone care that I was dead yesterday can you let
297:41 that I was dead yesterday can you let someone else be in the spotlight for one
297:43 someone else be in the spotlight for one second We Can't Stop a birthday
297:44 second We Can't Stop a birthday celebration every time you
297:47 celebration every time you die uh unwrap my present I'm a little
297:50 die uh unwrap my present I'm a little busy I am
297:52 busy I am honored oh it is a round thing you throw
297:55 honored oh it is a round thing you throw through the air for no apparent
298:02 reason H I'll take the picture so there's no photographic evidence that I
298:03 there's no photographic evidence that I ever associated with any of
298:11 you w-e
298:27 napkin where have I seen this before before we get back to work I want
298:30 before before we get back to work I want to remind everyone that all employees
298:33 to remind everyone that all employees must be present at the launch site when
298:36 must be present at the launch site when our new deep space exploration rocket
298:40 our new deep space exploration rocket goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we
298:43 goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we can't get there in 5 minutes no
298:56 exceptions except you Dilbert I want you to visit our director of Human Resources
298:59 to visit our director of Human Resources Mr
299:10 catbert let me out please I'll never Rob another convenience store again I'm
299:13 another convenience store again I'm Scared
299:29 Straight oh God how would you feel about making this
299:31 God how would you feel about making this an unmanned probe uh that's what it's
299:34 an unmanned probe uh that's what it's supposed to be there's still time to put
299:35 supposed to be there's still time to put a monkey in there I hate
299:38 a monkey in there I hate monkeys no all we want on board is the
299:41 monkeys no all we want on board is the capsule full of Earth artifacts in case
299:43 capsule full of Earth artifacts in case the rocket is discovered by an alien
299:45 the rocket is discovered by an alien civilization a capsule you say the
299:48 civilization a capsule you say the capsule is on board isn't
299:50 capsule is on board isn't it would you excuse me for a
299:54 it would you excuse me for a moment I need someone to volunteer for a
299:58 moment I need someone to volunteer for a suicide mission now you'll need to run
300:01 suicide mission now you'll need to run toward the launch site and fling this
300:03 toward the launch site and fling this birthday kit through the open window of
300:05 birthday kit through the open window of the rocket module then turn and be cons
300:10 the rocket module then turn and be cons assumed by the launch Flames while
300:11 assumed by the launch Flames while trying to get back oh nature was calling
300:14 trying to get back oh nature was calling me did I miss anything
300:17 me did I miss anything important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can
300:24 important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can succeed in this assignment I will be
300:26 succeed in this assignment I will be remembered and rewarded for the rest of
300:28 remembered and rewarded for the rest of my
300:29 my [Music]
300:30 [Music] career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1
300:41 career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1 stupid
300:43 stupid bird anyone know what kind that
300:57 is and remember any friend who won't join your downline Salesforce is no
301:00 join your downline Salesforce is no friend of
301:07 yours gullible sheep I could tell them anything right now if you believe you
301:11 anything right now if you believe you can get rich with multi-level marketing
301:13 can get rich with multi-level marketing slap yourself in the face real
301:17 slap yourself in the face real hard every time I still can't believe
301:37 it so you admit you were dead yes but very briefly that's no reason to cancel
301:39 very briefly that's no reason to cancel my employee benefits well at the risk of
301:43 my employee benefits well at the risk of sounding sadistic and uncaring our
301:46 sounding sadistic and uncaring our policy is to discontinue benefits at
301:48 policy is to discontinue benefits at death that only applies to people who
301:50 death that only applies to people who stay dead I was only dead for a minute
301:54 stay dead I was only dead for a minute if I granted this exception everyone
301:57 if I granted this exception everyone would claim they were coming back to
301:58 would claim they were coming back to life later oh do whatever you want it
302:00 life later oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just
302:02 doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray
302:05 die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels
302:08 tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud
302:10 playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious
302:14 well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife
302:17 what is your vision of the afterlife well
302:18 well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time
302:23 actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice
302:26 is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him
302:27 parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him
302:30 what we have for him nothing hey
302:39 what oh do you think this was all part of the present presentation he was
302:41 of the present presentation he was supposed to give us the new vision
302:42 supposed to give us the new vision statement maybe it's inside we're
302:45 statement maybe it's inside we're supposed to interpret
302:52 it it looks like some sort of holy man look at the
302:55 look at the Halo it says to Wall-E on
302:59 Halo it says to Wall-E on it this must be a picture of the
303:02 it this must be a picture of the Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic
303:04 Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic Grail
303:14 [Music] it's the shroud of
303:25 [Music] Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket
303:28 Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket launch was a complete success uh could
303:31 launch was a complete success uh could you use the laser pointer I'm not
303:33 you use the laser pointer I'm not following
303:38 you we're pretty sure the problem was a defect somewhere in this area I'll bet
303:41 defect somewhere in this area I'll bet NASA is sorry they hired us to build
303:43 NASA is sorry they hired us to build that thing have they asked for their $5
303:45 that thing have they asked for their $5 billion back yet more good news on that
303:49 billion back yet more good news on that front we also have the contract to
303:51 front we also have the contract to provide them with the digital images the
303:54 provide them with the digital images the rocket sends back how is that good news
303:57 rocket sends back how is that good news well as luck would have it all stars
303:58 well as luck would have it all stars look alike tiny dots of light one looks
304:03 look alike tiny dots of light one looks just like the next does NASA know the
304:06 just like the next does NASA know the rocket went down no and thanks to
304:08 rocket went down no and thanks to Dilbert they never will me your job is
304:13 Dilbert they never will me your job is to create digital pictures of Uncharted
304:15 to create digital pictures of Uncharted star systems and deliver them to NASA
304:18 star systems and deliver them to NASA every Tuesday how am I going to do that
304:22 every Tuesday how am I going to do that try sending it as an attachment in email
304:24 try sending it as an attachment in email it's very efficient don't make them all
304:26 it's very efficient don't make them all look the same that's a dead giveaway I
304:28 look the same that's a dead giveaway I am not going to lie for this company
304:30 am not going to lie for this company it's morally indefensible why are you
304:33 it's morally indefensible why are you afraid you'll die and go to a
304:40 cubicle it was isn't that funny but I like to laugh you've seen your afterlife
304:44 like to laugh you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no
304:47 Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and
304:49 rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming other people that is so
304:52 started harming other people that is so wrong although I don't know
304:56 wrong although I don't know why oh and do something about these
304:58 why oh and do something about these protesters they call themselves The
305:00 protesters they call themselves The wallyes they have some gripe about space
305:04 wallyes they have some gripe about space exploration walit I like the
305:08 exploration walit I like the name w
305:10 name w is the way W is the way okay settle down
305:15 is the way W is the way okay settle down who can tell me why you're opposed to
305:17 who can tell me why you're opposed to space exploration it is heresy the book
305:20 space exploration it is heresy the book of Wall-E says nothing about going to
305:22 of Wall-E says nothing about going to the Stars there's a book of
305:25 the Stars there's a book of WALL-E that's it that's the whole book
305:28 WALL-E that's it that's the whole book of Wall-E it can be interpreted many
305:30 of Wall-E it can be interpreted many ways it doesn't say we should go to the
305:33 ways it doesn't say we should go to the Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we
305:37 Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate
305:39 will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate the to break it to you but your entire
305:41 the to break it to you but your entire belief system is based on a myth do you
305:44 belief system is based on a myth do you have something better you'll find us
305:46 have something better you'll find us very flexible I'm not fond of the
305:48 very flexible I'm not fond of the outfits anyway you can believe in
305:50 outfits anyway you can believe in science that's real you mean like your
305:52 science that's real you mean like your rocket ship yes I mean no that's
305:55 rocket ship yes I mean no that's probably a very bad example people only
305:58 probably a very bad example people only think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi
306:02 think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi nuts liar
306:18 [Music] Wall-E what are you doing in the
306:21 Wall-E what are you doing in the afterlife haven't you heard after you
306:23 afterlife haven't you heard after you die you spend the rest of Eternity with
306:26 die you spend the rest of Eternity with me wo wo
306:39 wo I know I know you died again and it's getting
306:46 old no that looks wrong how about here that's just stupid it doesn't matter
306:49 that's just stupid it doesn't matter nothing matters you live your whole life
306:51 nothing matters you live your whole life being nice and you still die and go to
306:53 being nice and you still die and go to that little cubicle in the sky they say
306:55 that little cubicle in the sky they say Only the Good Die Young if it works the
306:57 Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of
306:59 other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents
307:02 evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll
307:04 tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil
307:07 see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I I have an
307:10 evil not evil looks like I I have an opening I don't mean to seem skeptical
307:13 opening I don't mean to seem skeptical but these photos look like they were
307:15 but these photos look like they were made on a personal computer with a paint
307:16 made on a personal computer with a paint program this is where you come in surely
307:19 program this is where you come in surely you agree that in a vast Universe with
307:21 you agree that in a vast Universe with billions and billions of stars it
307:24 billions and billions of stars it probably looks exactly like this from
307:26 probably looks exactly like this from some angle well yes but we wanted actual
307:30 some angle well yes but we wanted actual pictures from the rocket isn't that a
307:32 pictures from the rocket isn't that a little narrow-minded you know this could
307:34 little narrow-minded you know this could be the answer to our funding problem can
307:36 be the answer to our funding problem can you give us evidence of life on other
307:38 you give us evidence of life on other planets are you kid kidding this picture
307:40 planets are you kid kidding this picture is teeming with life see this dot it
307:43 is teeming with life see this dot it looks exactly like the other dot but
307:46 looks exactly like the other dot but smudger what's that proof I can't do it
307:49 smudger what's that proof I can't do it all for you Ned you're good at this that
307:51 all for you Ned you're good at this that smudges could only be caused by a
307:53 smudges could only be caused by a distortion in the electromagnetic
307:54 distortion in the electromagnetic spectrum typically inhabited by ham
307:56 spectrum typically inhabited by ham radio signals that's it and uh further
308:00 radio signals that's it and uh further studies are
308:02 studies are [Applause]
308:05 [Applause] needed that'll get us funding for the
308:08 needed that'll get us funding for the space station we'd like to bid on the
308:09 space station we'd like to bid on the space station project too no no forget
308:13 space station project too no no forget the bid you got the
308:20 job can you tell us anything about how you plan to build the space station all
308:23 you plan to build the space station all right fellas I'd better not get into the
308:26 right fellas I'd better not get into the technical stuff my Engineers say I tend
308:28 technical stuff my Engineers say I tend to shoot from the hip but I can tell you
308:32 to shoot from the hip but I can tell you this I'm pretty sure phase one involves
308:35 this I'm pretty sure phase one involves building a giant step ladder the rumor
308:38 building a giant step ladder the rumor is that you got this 100 billion doll
308:40 is that you got this 100 billion doll contract without even bidding my
308:42 contract without even bidding my question to you sir is do you think UFOs
308:44 question to you sir is do you think UFOs have visited us no but they're on the
308:48 have visited us no but they're on the way have you seen this picture
308:57 yet after I talked to the Wally ites the next time I died I saw their version of
308:59 next time I died I saw their version of the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E
309:02 the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E what I want to know is was I really did
309:04 what I want to know is was I really did or just hallucinating why don't you ask
309:07 or just hallucinating why don't you ask that man we saw on TV the one who can
309:09 that man we saw on TV the one who can talk to the spirit world he has an 800
309:12 talk to the spirit world he has an 800 number I don't believe in that stuff but
309:15 number I don't believe in that stuff but you believe we spend eternity in a
309:16 you believe we spend eternity in a cubicle with Wall-E what's his
309:25 number hello each call costs $3 per minute I was expecting your call you
309:28 minute I was expecting your call you were you want answers don't you yes I do
309:30 were you want answers don't you yes I do do you know someone who died in the last
309:34 do you know someone who died in the last 50 years named John or Jim or Bill or
309:37 50 years named John or Jim or Bill or Tom yes I thought so
309:40 Tom yes I thought so he has a message for you from the other
309:41 he has a message for you from the other side which one John or Jim or Bill or
309:44 side which one John or Jim or Bill or Tom he says you like to do things with
309:47 Tom he says you like to do things with your hands typing or cooking or
309:49 your hands typing or cooking or gardening is that correct I type on the
309:52 gardening is that correct I type on the computer I have to admit he's good he
309:54 computer I have to admit he's good he says you get great pleasure from this
309:57 says you get great pleasure from this typing or cooking or gardening I do but
309:59 typing or cooking or gardening I do but I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music
310:02 I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music and food is that right forget about that
310:05 and food is that right forget about that I want to know if the afterlife is
310:07 I want to know if the afterlife is nothing but a cubicle he said says to be
310:09 nothing but a cubicle he said says to be careful with your back or Vision or
310:11 careful with your back or Vision or lungs or weight I feel fine all I want
310:14 lungs or weight I feel fine all I want to know is so what are you
310:17 to know is so what are you wearing I've never been a Supreme Being
310:19 wearing I've never been a Supreme Being before but I'm willing to give it a try
310:22 before but I'm willing to give it a try your humility inspires us please teach
310:25 your humility inspires us please teach us everything you know maybe you could
310:27 us everything you know maybe you could ask me specific questions what is your
310:30 ask me specific questions what is your favorite cheese uh you know the one with
310:33 favorite cheese uh you know the one with the holes in it swis right not that one
310:38 the holes in it swis right not that one oh
310:40 oh can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no
310:43 can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no it leads to
310:49 promiscuity and no humming to yourself when you're alone I hate
310:51 when you're alone I hate [Music]
310:53 [Music] that my faith is being tested and if you
310:57 that my faith is being tested and if you order fish at the restaurant and it
310:59 order fish at the restaurant and it comes with the head still on it try
311:01 comes with the head still on it try covering it with mashed potatoes
311:04 covering it with mashed potatoes [Music]
311:10 oh I wonder if was something I [Music]
311:13 [Music] said is the answer out there or in here
311:17 said is the answer out there or in here is everything simply a manifestation of
311:19 is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual
311:22 Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence a dimension parallel
311:25 level of existence a dimension parallel to or beyond the one we live in now it's
311:28 to or beyond the one we live in now it's all part of the big illusion that we
311:30 all part of the big illusion that we perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is
311:32 perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship
311:34 perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe
311:37 or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe We Engage The Illusion when we stop
311:40 We Engage The Illusion when we stop believing we shatter the illusion and
311:41 believing we shatter the illusion and shatter ourselves in the process because
311:44 shatter ourselves in the process because we are part of it maybe you're right
311:47 we are part of it maybe you're right maybe the mistake is in making
311:49 maybe the mistake is in making distinctions out there in here Life
311:52 distinctions out there in here Life Death it's all the same
312:42 ready ready ready welcome to painting with Rusty
312:46 ready welcome to painting with Rusty Shanks last week I taught you how to
312:49 Shanks last week I taught you how to paint Shrubbery using your own head as a
312:51 paint Shrubbery using your own head as a brush that was a good show today we'll
312:54 brush that was a good show today we'll take a ride into the wild world of
312:56 take a ride into the wild world of modern abstract art yeah just paint
312:59 modern abstract art yeah just paint Rusty don't talk some people think
313:01 Rusty don't talk some people think abstract art can't be taught I think
313:03 abstract art can't be taught I think that let's say you wanted to express an
313:05 that let's say you wanted to express an emotion such as oh a fear of
313:08 emotion such as oh a fear of caterpillars what color would you choose
313:11 caterpillars what color would you choose orange green purple that's right it's
313:14 orange green purple that's right it's our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you
313:17 our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you make taupe Rusty you're killing me and
313:20 make taupe Rusty you're killing me and what shape works best with taupe circle
313:22 what shape works best with taupe circle triangle line if you said octagon you're
313:26 triangle line if you said octagon you're right we'll represent the octagon with a
313:28 right we'll represent the octagon with a DOT and the color taupe will be
313:31 DOT and the color taupe will be represented by the color orange it's
313:33 represented by the color orange it's levels upon levels I don't get art who
313:37 levels upon levels I don't get art who decided that a painting of a bowl of
313:38 decided that a painting of a bowl of fruit is Art how long can you look at
313:41 fruit is Art how long can you look at the same bowl of fruit anyway at least
313:43 the same bowl of fruit anyway at least with the actual fruit itself you can
313:44 with the actual fruit itself you can rearrange the pieces once in a while you
313:46 rearrange the pieces once in a while you can eat it if you're hungry you can
313:48 can eat it if you're hungry you can watch it rot but if all you have is a
313:50 watch it rot but if all you have is a painting of fruit your options are
313:52 painting of fruit your options are limited so you think the whole art scene
313:54 limited so you think the whole art scene is just one big scam to make money I'm
313:56 is just one big scam to make money I'm beginning to wonder I'd better look into
313:58 beginning to wonder I'd better look into it you do that and report back who are
314:02 it you do that and report back who are you who let you in here what do you
314:04 you who let you in here what do you think you're doing we wish to interrupt
314:06 think you're doing we wish to interrupt this program in order to bring you this
314:08 this program in order to bring you this special Bulletin art teacher Rusty
314:10 special Bulletin art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm
314:12 Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm right here this coupled with his refusal
314:14 right here this coupled with his refusal to repay certain outstanding loans has
314:17 to repay certain outstanding loans has Force the cancellation of the painting
314:19 Force the cancellation of the painting with Rusty
314:20 with Rusty show I can get the money no we now
314:24 show I can get the money no we now return to painting without Rusty Shanks
314:27 return to painting without Rusty Shanks already in progress they say you have to
314:29 already in progress they say you have to suffer for your art I wonder if that's
314:31 suffer for your art I wonder if that's what they meant
314:55 [Laughter] [Music]
315:04 [Applause] [Music]
315:07 [Music] he
315:18 [Music] [Applause]
315:21 [Applause] [Music]
315:40 it's critical that we lead the effort to integrate our strategy process and
315:42 integrate our strategy process and behavior related
315:50 activities to facilitate our goal of sustained predictable and high margin
315:56 profitability and we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward continuous
316:00 revitalize our efforts toward continuous quality improvement Wally I'm trying to
316:03 quality improvement Wally I'm trying to communicate here oh communication I IDE
316:10 communicate here oh communication I IDE you call it it sounds like the rambling
316:12 you call it it sounds like the rambling and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon
316:15 and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon staggering down the street in a
316:24 stuper good point arook yes it was communication and unless that newspaper
316:26 communication and unless that newspaper has an idea for increasing our profits
316:29 has an idea for increasing our profits you'd better put it down and listen to
316:31 you'd better put it down and listen to me this thing is full of money making
316:33 me this thing is full of money making ideas here's a guy who sued a big
316:35 ideas here's a guy who sued a big company and made 25 million he sued us
316:39 company and made 25 million he sued us the product directions clearly stated do
316:41 the product directions clearly stated do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat
316:43 not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat at the same time here's a story about a
316:46 at the same time here's a story about a painting that sold for $75 million and
316:49 painting that sold for $75 million and the buyer's leaving it in the museum so
316:51 the buyer's leaving it in the museum so he paid $75 million and got nothing in
316:54 he paid $75 million and got nothing in return hold the wire now we're under
316:56 return hold the wire now we're under something no we're not good work Wally
317:00 something no we're not good work Wally if only the others could work at my
317:01 if only the others could work at my level we'll need some sort of
317:04 level we'll need some sort of competitive Advantage if we're going to
317:06 competitive Advantage if we're going to dominate The Art industry we will also
317:08 dominate The Art industry we will also need art
317:09 need art Dilbert would be good at creating art no
317:12 Dilbert would be good at creating art no I wouldn't too late the seed is planted
317:15 I wouldn't too late the seed is planted it's true that Dilbert is no w-e
317:18 it's true that Dilbert is no w-e everyone's trying to warm themselves in
317:20 everyone's trying to warm themselves in my light but I don't know anything about
317:22 my light but I don't know anything about art uh-uh save it for your performance
317:25 art uh-uh save it for your performance review but we're a technology company
317:27 review but we're a technology company not an art company Engineers don't
317:30 not an art company Engineers don't understand art we know what we
317:33 understand art we know what we like don't we how hard could it be art
317:37 like don't we how hard could it be art has rules just like anything else if you
317:40 has rules just like anything else if you can teach a computer to play chess you
317:42 can teach a computer to play chess you can teach a computer to make a painting
317:44 can teach a computer to make a painting thank you for converting an impossible
317:46 thank you for converting an impossible assignment into something that will look
317:47 assignment into something that will look like a personal failing on my part
317:50 like a personal failing on my part nicely done not a day goes by when I do
317:53 nicely done not a day goes by when I do not learn something well I know what I
317:58 not learn something well I know what I like you're right I
318:01 like you're right I don't I'd better learn something about
318:04 don't I'd better learn something about art pretty quickly why don't you come
318:05 art pretty quickly why don't you come with me tonight to an art appreciation
318:07 with me tonight to an art appreciation class at the Museum it is hosted by
318:09 class at the Museum it is hosted by esteemed Art Expert sister Wanda
318:13 esteemed Art Expert sister Wanda Beaver what do nuns know about art you
318:16 Beaver what do nuns know about art you are laboring under a false stereotype of
318:18 are laboring under a false stereotype of nuns for your information they cannot
318:20 nuns for your information they cannot fly under their own power and the short
318:22 fly under their own power and the short ones are rarely mistaken for Penguins
318:25 ones are rarely mistaken for Penguins I'll try to be more
318:31 open-minded in this sweeping expression by Bhutan nogan the artist uses color to
318:34 by Bhutan nogan the artist uses color to convey his message of being trapped in a
318:37 convey his message of being trapped in a career that was a huge uge mistake
318:40 career that was a huge uge mistake forced to wear drab clothing forbidden
318:42 forced to wear drab clothing forbidden to explore his intense smoldering
318:59 urges in this floral treatment we can feel the artist's desire to Spring
319:01 feel the artist's desire to Spring colorfully from his container leaving
319:04 colorfully from his container leaving behind his career there was a huge huge
319:07 behind his career there was a huge huge mistake H I'm also seeing some
319:10 mistake H I'm also seeing some smoldering urges from the Carnation you
319:13 smoldering urges from the Carnation you are the quick learner Mr dogbert the
319:15 are the quick learner Mr dogbert the rendering is indeed packed with erotic
319:18 rendering is indeed packed with erotic imagery what imagery oh it's there you
319:22 imagery what imagery oh it's there you can't spell Carnation without carnal
319:24 can't spell Carnation without carnal actually you can't spell carnation with
319:26 actually you can't spell carnation with carnal that would be caralin but you
319:29 carnal that would be caralin but you can't spell it without car and cars have
319:31 can't spell it without car and cars have back seats to their not not in the 17th
319:34 back seats to their not not in the 17th century when that was
319:35 century when that was painted ow
319:44 I still don't know what makes one piece of art better than another H maybe you
319:46 of art better than another H maybe you should ask people what they like and
319:48 should ask people what they like and then put it all in one painting would
319:50 then put it all in one painting would that work I was right about the
319:56 Carnation when you're shopping for a painting for the house what qualities
319:59 painting for the house what qualities are you looking for well I like looking
320:00 are you looking for well I like looking at pictures that have shootable animals
320:03 at pictures that have shootable animals deer is good sometimes I'm in the mood
320:05 deer is good sometimes I'm in the mood for a duck nature themes if the price is
320:08 for a duck nature themes if the price is the same I like bigger ones big ones
320:11 the same I like bigger ones big ones well I like pictures of things you can
320:12 well I like pictures of things you can eat you should never buy paintings on an
320:14 eat you should never buy paintings on an empty stomach I like paintings with a
320:16 empty stomach I like paintings with a lot of blue that's my favorite color
320:19 lot of blue that's my favorite color yeah blue blue is a big big blue one
320:22 yeah blue blue is a big big blue one yeah I like that how many of you would
320:24 yeah I like that how many of you would buy a painting of a blue
320:38 duck how big is it it's big [Music]
320:46 I could put a frame around that shirt and sell it in an art gallery no one
320:48 and sell it in an art gallery no one wants a stained shirt on their wall
320:50 wants a stained shirt on their wall they'll want it if I tell them they want
320:52 they'll want it if I tell them they want it you can't tell people what they like
320:54 it you can't tell people what they like oh really rat
320:56 oh really rat birt I'm going to hang dirty laundry on
320:59 birt I'm going to hang dirty laundry on the walls do you want some for your
321:02 the walls do you want some for your room why would I want that see I'm not
321:05 room why would I want that see I'm not going to use Dilbert's laundry I'm going
321:07 going to use Dilbert's laundry I'm going to buy it in an art gallery it's framed
321:09 to buy it in an art gallery it's framed expensive dirty laundry can you give me
321:12 expensive dirty laundry can you give me a sock for over my desk that's not fair
321:15 a sock for over my desk that's not fair how hard is it to brainwash rat BT is
321:17 how hard is it to brainwash rat BT is that an insult no it's a
321:20 that an insult no it's a compliment thank
321:31 you my lucky shirt you have always been good to
322:14 excuse me do you own this establishment are you a buyer or just a luy l I am a
322:17 are you a buyer or just a luy l I am a third category outraged victim of your
322:19 third category outraged victim of your laundromat yeah we get a lot of that
322:22 laundromat yeah we get a lot of that sounds like you need some art to lighten
322:23 sounds like you need some art to lighten you up how about this piece it's new oh
322:27 you up how about this piece it's new oh oh my goodness those are my
322:38 underpanties it's blue it's a duck and Theory it's art
322:47 print hey what's this nice color and if I'm not mistaken that's a duck you like
322:49 I'm not mistaken that's a duck you like it I'm going to hang this on my cubicle
322:52 it I'm going to hang this on my cubicle wall is that a duck that is so cute
322:55 wall is that a duck that is so cute where did you buy that I didn't buy it
322:57 where did you buy that I didn't buy it I'm stealing it from Dilbert Dilbert
323:00 I'm stealing it from Dilbert Dilbert made this according to my research it's
323:02 made this according to my research it's art my God what's that feeling in my
323:06 art my God what's that feeling in my stomach is that a growing sense of
323:09 stomach is that a growing sense of respect for
323:11 respect for Dilbert no I just drank a soda too fast
323:14 Dilbert no I just drank a soda too fast but I do like the duck I like how it's
323:16 but I do like the duck I like how it's right in the middle you know sometimes
323:18 right in the middle you know sometimes you see a painting of a barn and it's
323:19 you see a painting of a barn and it's off in one
323:21 off in one corner it's
323:24 corner it's magnificent I don't know whether to eat
323:26 magnificent I don't know whether to eat it or shoot it can you make it bigger I
323:28 it or shoot it can you make it bigger I can make it any size you want any size
323:32 can make it any size you want any size whoa Nelly looks like we just hit pay
323:35 whoa Nelly looks like we just hit pay duck
323:49 thanks to the artistic work of Dilbert in the two weeks since we introduced The
323:51 in the two weeks since we introduced The Blue Duck artwork we have captured 99%
323:55 Blue Duck artwork we have captured 99% of the Art
324:03 [Music] Market I didn't know we were competing
324:06 Market I didn't know we were competing against museums competition it's more
324:08 against museums competition it's more like a monopoly apparently the verdict
324:10 like a monopoly apparently the verdict is in no one wants to look at crap when
324:13 is in no one wants to look at crap when they can look at the Blue
324:23 Duck our only remaining threat is from some joint in France called the Louver
324:27 some joint in France called the Louver sometimes pronounced louy they're
324:29 sometimes pronounced louy they're holding on by a thread operating a
324:31 holding on by a thread operating a Furniture reupholstering business out of
324:33 Furniture reupholstering business out of the gift shop I didn't mean to destroy
324:35 the gift shop I didn't mean to destroy the art world he didn't mean to destroy
324:38 the art world he didn't mean to destroy the right well get him well you did and
324:43 the right well get him well you did and I for one salute
324:44 I for one salute [Music]
324:46 [Music] you I have a bad feeling about this Blue
324:49 you I have a bad feeling about this Blue Duck phenomenon it might be a little too
324:52 Duck phenomenon it might be a little too successful culture needs diversity why
324:55 successful culture needs diversity why don't you put on a beret and starve
324:57 don't you put on a beret and starve Dilbert the marketplace makes no
324:59 Dilbert the marketplace makes no judgment the consumer has spoken
325:01 judgment the consumer has spoken everyone loves that duck but if it's
325:03 everyone loves that duck but if it's everywhere won't that Rob it of its
325:05 everywhere won't that Rob it of its uniqueness do we have to shove it down
325:07 uniqueness do we have to shove it down the Public's throat at every opportunity
325:10 the Public's throat at every opportunity I really think that we're going to
325:11 I really think that we're going to dilute its meaning by overexposure uhoh
325:15 dilute its meaning by overexposure uhoh it's meaning there he is wa right
325:24 here I can't believe I'm seeing you in person you're the most famous artist in
325:26 person you're the most famous artist in the world I'm not an artist I'm an
325:28 the world I'm not an artist I'm an engineer
325:30 engineer oh a boom okay I'm an artist
325:35 oh a boom okay I'm an artist [Music]
325:43 oh I can't believe I'm on a date with the famous creator of L Canard deur the
325:47 the famous creator of L Canard deur the what the Blue Duck oh yes I hope my fame
325:51 what the Blue Duck oh yes I hope my fame isn't the only reason you like me oh
325:53 isn't the only reason you like me oh don't get me wrong jilbert I don't like
325:55 don't get me wrong jilbert I don't like you personally I'm just into the whole
325:57 you personally I'm just into the whole scene what it's nothing personal how
326:00 scene what it's nothing personal how could that not be personal you just said
326:02 could that not be personal you just said you don't like me I don't like you the
326:04 you don't like me I don't like you the person but I love you the famous artist
326:07 person but I love you the famous artist I'm beginning to finally understand art
326:10 I'm beginning to finally understand art our boss wants to talk to you could we
326:12 our boss wants to talk to you could we get two ice teas you've been killing the
326:14 get two ice teas you've been killing the art racket our boss don't like that I'd
326:17 art racket our boss don't like that I'd like a lemon wedge in
326:23 mine excuse me I don't believe we ordered this that's
326:38 ours oh the new art piece piece I ordered for the conference room can
326:40 ordered for the conference room can somebody sign for this I'll take
326:47 it there you go that's your name what of it oh
326:51 go that's your name what of it oh nothing nothing I'll see
326:59 you oh thank you I was having no small difficulty breathing a shock hello don't
327:02 difficulty breathing a shock hello don't talk to the art now where were we oh
327:04 talk to the art now where were we oh yeah our nearly Total Domination of all
327:07 yeah our nearly Total Domination of all worldwide markets how about the Amish
327:10 worldwide markets how about the Amish are they coming around they put up a
327:12 are they coming around they put up a fight but we wore them
327:20 down I don't know about you but I'm starting to worship this Blue Duck and
327:23 starting to worship this Blue Duck and you know what else we need a phone
327:26 you know what else we need a phone [Music]
327:37 [Music] [Applause]
327:39 [Applause] [Music]
327:57 we got him boss here's the guy who's been ruining our
327:59 been ruining our business leave
328:02 business leave us where am I I am the orado D Vinci
328:06 us where am I I am the orado D Vinci head of the five families of our heart I
328:08 head of the five families of our heart I have two problems with that answer one
328:11 have two problems with that answer one it's not the answer to where and two I'm
328:14 it's not the answer to where and two I'm pretty sure you died 500 years
328:17 pretty sure you died 500 years ago I invented the helicopter the tank
328:20 ago I invented the helicopter the tank and the parachute in the
328:22 and the parachute in the 1400s how hard do you think it was for
328:24 1400s how hard do you think it was for me to invent a fountain of youth I see
328:26 me to invent a fountain of youth I see your point you know you were always a
328:29 your point you know you were always a great hero of mine is that so oh yes
328:32 great hero of mine is that so oh yes I've tried to model my career after
328:34 I've tried to model my career after yours engineer inventor artist no no no
328:37 yours engineer inventor artist no no no no
328:38 no those are all Sidelines I am at heart a
328:41 those are all Sidelines I am at heart a businessman come
328:44 businessman come [Music]
328:46 [Music] here for hundreds of years the five
328:48 here for hundreds of years the five families have run the organized art
328:50 families have run the organized art rackets the Renaissance boys the
328:53 rackets the Renaissance boys the Impressionists the abstracts the
328:56 Impressionists the abstracts the surrealists and the
328:58 surrealists and the postmodernist it all makes sense now
329:01 postmodernist it all makes sense now you're the ones who decide which
329:02 you're the ones who decide which paintings are worth $50 million and
329:04 paintings are worth $50 million and which ones are put on decorative plates
329:07 which ones are put on decorative plates until you Kim alone
329:08 until you Kim alone with your vbid Blue Duck you put a crimp
329:11 with your vbid Blue Duck you put a crimp in our
329:12 in our business unfortunately it would be
329:15 business unfortunately it would be imprudent for us to allow that situation
329:17 imprudent for us to allow that situation to continue it's too late to stop it now
329:20 to continue it's too late to stop it now the Blue Duck is everywhere there is
329:23 the Blue Duck is everywhere there is only one thing that can kill great art
329:26 only one thing that can kill great art the taint of un
329:32 [Applause] coolness part sorry dang
329:35 coolness part sorry dang way watch out big load
329:39 way watch out big load that'll clean right up with a little
329:40 that'll clean right up with a little salsa water pardon me you have huge feet
329:44 salsa water pardon me you have huge feet for a woman here we
329:47 for a woman here we [Music]
329:49 [Music] go waa we got a babe shot on camera
329:52 go waa we got a babe shot on camera too okay go to camera to did you see
330:03 that blue dark roll [Applause]
331:00 I still want to fall we don't know why but sales of the
331:04 fall we don't know why but sales of the Blue Duck product line have taken a
331:05 Blue Duck product line have taken a plunge art can be so unpredict
331:07 plunge art can be so unpredict predictable for some reason the Blue
331:09 predictable for some reason the Blue Duck is no longer cool traditional
331:12 Duck is no longer cool traditional paintings are selling for millions of
331:14 paintings are selling for millions of dollars again it's a crime it's as if
331:17 dollars again it's a crime it's as if the art world were organized so Dilbert
331:19 the art world were organized so Dilbert what do you have for us next next I
331:22 what do you have for us next next I hadn't really given it much thought
331:24 hadn't really given it much thought that's what I thought pay
331:31 up so anyway the marketing department has come up with a spin-off of the Blue
331:33 has come up with a spin-off of the Blue Duck concept that they call the light
331:37 Duck concept that they call the light blue duck but we already know the public
331:39 blue duck but we already know the public doesn't want that you're confusing the
331:42 doesn't want that you're confusing the light blue duck with the regular Blue
331:46 light blue duck with the regular Blue Duck not to worry it's common mistake
331:48 Duck not to worry it's common mistake but don't you see that's the point
331:50 but don't you see that's the point they're the same thing Dilbert the key
331:52 they're the same thing Dilbert the key to marketing is doing whatever you did
331:55 to marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't work
331:58 before even when you know it won't work that way no one tries to second guess
332:01 that way no one tries to second guess you but is that the key to Art is it
332:04 you but is that the key to Art is it just a popularity contest or is it the
332:06 just a popularity contest or is it the transmission of one Souls innermost
332:08 transmission of one Souls innermost Essence to another art is meant to be an
332:11 Essence to another art is meant to be an unconstrained expression of the
332:13 unconstrained expression of the inexpressible it's our way of telling
332:15 inexpressible it's our way of telling each other things we feel but are unable
332:17 each other things we feel but are unable to put into words it is ultimately the
332:20 to put into words it is ultimately the only real way of sharing who we really
332:23 only real way of sharing who we really are with the rest of the world sorry I
332:26 are with the rest of the world sorry I lost you after butt you got some nerve
332:29 lost you after butt you got some nerve talking to us that way is that Dilbert
332:31 talking to us that way is that Dilbert speaking or his Muse what's the
332:34 speaking or his Muse what's the difference if it's you I can belittle
332:36 difference if it's you I can belittle and ridicule you if it's your Muse I'll
332:39 and ridicule you if it's your Muse I'll have to look it up and see what it
332:40 have to look it up and see what it actually means it's my muse
333:04 damn I guess I just don't get it it's all about branding do people really know
333:06 all about branding do people really know good from bad of course not but they
333:09 good from bad of course not but they know Picasso's signature if he was
333:11 know Picasso's signature if he was around today he'd be making underwear
333:12 around today he'd be making underwear too but is that art isn't art supposed
333:15 too but is that art isn't art supposed to be something that satisfies some
333:17 to be something that satisfies some yearning for truth and Beauty n not
333:20 yearning for truth and Beauty n not anymore once a soup can became art all
333:22 anymore once a soup can became art all the rules went out the window it's not
333:24 the rules went out the window it's not the art it's the logo like these
333:28 the art it's the logo like these socks well I guess somehow that's a
333:30 socks well I guess somehow that's a disappointment to me I hope the mystery
333:33 disappointment to me I hope the mystery of art would reveal itself perhaps it
333:36 of art would reveal itself perhaps it will those t-shirts reveal the mystery
333:38 will those t-shirts reveal the mystery of Truth and Beauty themselves as
333:41 of Truth and Beauty themselves as undergarments for our soul they express
333:44 undergarments for our soul they express our deep longing for tactile stimulation
333:47 our deep longing for tactile stimulation hidden beneath our starched collars and
333:50 hidden beneath our starched collars and coarse Fabrics
334:10 oh [Music]
334:42 welcome to English for managers tape one listen and repeat tape one listen and
334:45 listen and repeat tape one listen and repeat we will enable timely
334:47 repeat we will enable timely knowledge-based decisionmaking based on
334:50 knowledge-based decisionmaking based on realtime information by implementing an
334:52 realtime information by implementing an enterprise resource management system we
334:55 enterprise resource management system we will entangle timid college-based
334:58 will entangle timid college-based Precision markets based on full-time
335:01 Precision markets based on full-time repudiation by instigating a something
335:05 repudiation by instigating a something something whatever very good really well
335:08 something whatever very good really well I thought I missed a
335:19 word they say they're slow but they're not
335:52 [Applause] [Music]
335:53 [Music] [Applause]
335:59 hey [Music]
336:09 [Music] [Applause]
336:10 [Applause] [Music]
336:14 [Music] [Applause]
336:14 [Applause] [Music]
336:36 I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for for participating in
336:38 thank you all for for participating in our company's mandatory blood drive you
336:41 our company's mandatory blood drive you really are the lifeblood of this
336:45 really are the lifeblood of this [Laughter]
336:58 oh Alice you are like the fresh Dew on a morning flower my heart yearns for you
337:02 morning flower my heart yearns for you your soft skin your triangle hair your
337:05 your soft skin your triangle hair your lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon
337:08 lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other death row is a lonely place
337:11 each other death row is a lonely place my precious the only things to occupy
337:14 my precious the only things to occupy the empty hours our thoughts of you and
337:18 the empty hours our thoughts of you and the Contraband I have hidden in my colon
337:21 the Contraband I have hidden in my colon my dying wish Alice is for your hand in
337:24 my dying wish Alice is for your hand in marriage that is so romantic all my love
337:28 marriage that is so romantic all my love Vince P.S please respond before next
337:30 Vince P.S please respond before next Friday at noon what if I don't have any
337:32 Friday at noon what if I don't have any extra blood maybe I only have exactly
337:35 extra blood maybe I only have exactly enough everyone has extra blood it
337:37 enough everyone has extra blood it doesn't matter anyway you'll never get
337:39 doesn't matter anyway you'll never get past the screening process I will now
337:42 past the screening process I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions
337:45 read a list of disqualifying conditions please leave the auditorium if any of
337:47 please leave the auditorium if any of the following apply to you are you now
337:51 the following apply to you are you now or have you ever been Wally yes first
337:55 or have you ever been Wally yes first one
337:56 one out repeat the disconnects between gross
338:00 out repeat the disconnects between gross margin and leverage will be harnessed
338:02 margin and leverage will be harnessed for commercial Ventures the discotek
338:05 for commercial Ventures the discotek between gross marger
338:07 between gross marger and beverages will be harmless to your
338:10 and beverages will be harmless to your dentures very
338:13 dentures very good now close your eyes and visualize
338:17 good now close your eyes and visualize each word as you say
338:30 it imagine the word Vision try to see it in your mind is a
338:32 in your mind is a black have you gotten any tattoos in the
338:35 black have you gotten any tattoos in the last 6 months
338:44 have you had intimate physical relations with anyone in the past 10
338:52 years not really but I'm trying to build a
338:53 a reputation with your eyes still closed
338:56 reputation with your eyes still closed imagine a picture that corresponds with
338:59 imagine a picture that corresponds with the phrase a commitment to Synergy I see
339:03 the phrase a commitment to Synergy I see it it's like some sort of two-headed
339:06 it it's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck or there's it a
339:15 beaver can you get a clean shot at his tires I think I can hit the spare tire
339:18 tires I think I can hit the spare tire in the
339:19 in the back wait he
339:34 stopped oft toity bottles on the wall come on I can't take another four hours
339:35 come on I can't take another four hours of this go go go
339:39 of this go go go will you just shut up you have infinite
339:41 will you just shut up you have infinite beer on the wall okay it will never be
339:43 beer on the wall okay it will never be fewer now put your hands out to your
339:46 fewer now put your hands out to your sides and wave them
339:53 slowly can you imagine if something were to happen to this bus helmet The
339:55 to happen to this bus helmet The Sciences of physics chemistry
339:57 Sciences of physics chemistry mathematics and medicine all wiped out
339:59 mathematics and medicine all wiped out in a stroke and economics economics is
340:01 in a stroke and economics economics is not a science and never will be he's
340:04 not a science and never will be he's waving us on finally
340:06 waving us on finally [Music]
340:19 all units he's heading for a large business campus prepare to intercept are
340:21 business campus prepare to intercept are you telling me you haven't done anything
340:23 you telling me you haven't done anything on this list I've been very
340:26 on this list I've been very busy all right roll up your
340:38 sleeve Woo is isn't that the fifth bag we got a quarter can I have a cookie no
340:41 we got a quarter can I have a cookie no I ate them all while you were
340:53 bleeding all right Sharpshooters if you get a clear shot take
341:02 [Music] it uh there's people in the
341:05 it uh there's people in the way oh shoot
341:27 word the vehicle had no registration or plates so we're hoping someone saw him
341:29 plates so we're hoping someone saw him why would a vehicle need registration
341:31 why would a vehicle need registration and plates I'm just a sketch artist oh a
341:34 and plates I'm just a sketch artist oh a specialist well I didn't exactly see the
341:36 specialist well I didn't exactly see the guy but from what I heard on the the
341:37 guy but from what I heard on the the radio I've got a pretty good idea of
341:40 radio I've got a pretty good idea of what he looks like can you describe him
341:42 what he looks like can you describe him for me I could but I'm extremely busy W
341:46 for me I could but I'm extremely busy W I can't work too hard I almost gave
341:48 I can't work too hard I almost gave blood today I want you to describe to
341:50 blood today I want you to describe to these officers the man I heard about on
341:52 these officers the man I heard about on the radio this morning what be as
341:55 the radio this morning what be as specific as you can don't leave out
341:57 specific as you can don't leave out anything all right I'll tell him
341:58 anything all right I'll tell him everything you know
342:01 everything you know [Music]
342:15 H these remind me of water balloons except filled with blood put that
342:18 except filled with blood put that down it looks like you have some
342:21 down it looks like you have some [Music]
342:22 [Music] extras all right one bag but let me show
342:25 extras all right one bag but let me show you how to do
342:27 you how to do it this psycle must have left a blood
342:29 it this psycle must have left a blood trail now I want you to comb every inch
342:31 trail now I want you to comb every inch of this area for the Killer's DNA maybe
342:34 of this area for the Killer's DNA maybe we'll get lucky and don't let this crime
342:36 we'll get lucky and don't let this crime scene get
342:48 contaminated you shooting yourself well thank
342:59 you driving without blood is surprisingly difficult
343:11 sir how many drinks have you had this evening nothing I couldn't even get a
343:14 evening nothing I couldn't even get a cookie then a lady took all of my blood
343:17 cookie then a lady took all of my blood okay buddy count backward from 100 using
343:19 okay buddy count backward from 100 using only prime numbers 97 89 83 79 73 71
343:25 only prime numbers 97 89 83 79 73 71 okay no one liked so wise ass get out of
343:27 okay no one liked so wise ass get out of the
343:32 car attention all units attention all units positive DNA match has been made
343:35 units positive DNA match has been made on the Nobel Prize Slaughter the suspect
343:37 on the Nobel Prize Slaughter the suspect is Caucasian wearing glasses in
343:39 is Caucasian wearing glasses in laughably bad shape and answers to the
343:41 laughably bad shape and answers to the name Dilbert hey that's
343:45 name Dilbert hey that's [Music]
343:54 me so with the Nobel Prize killer safely Behind Bars looking at a swift execution
343:57 Behind Bars looking at a swift execution once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is
343:59 once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over and everyone associated with the
344:00 over and everyone associated with the case long dead strange men with
344:03 case long dead strange men with incomprehensible theories that can't be
344:04 incomprehensible theories that can't be proven can once again breathe a sigh of
344:09 proven can once again breathe a sigh of relief Mr and Mrs fenerman hi I'm Alice
344:12 relief Mr and Mrs fenerman hi I'm Alice I'm engaged to your son Vince it is so
344:15 I'm engaged to your son Vince it is so nice to meet you DG here do you need a
344:18 nice to meet you DG here do you need a sign that's okay I have my
344:20 sign that's okay I have my own I don't understand aren't you two
344:23 own I don't understand aren't you two getting married yes we're going to spend
344:26 getting married yes we're going to spend the rest of our lives
344:28 the rest of our lives together mark my words this marriage
344:31 together mark my words this marriage will never last
344:34 will never last [Applause]
344:37 [Applause] [Music]
344:43 [Music] wow this cell is huge sorry about the
344:46 wow this cell is huge sorry about the internet connection there's an internet
344:48 internet connection there's an internet connection your cable modem's in the
344:50 connection your cable modem's in the shop we're running you through the T1
344:52 shop we're running you through the T1 until it gets back what's this fan mail
344:55 until it gets back what's this fan mail probably a few marriage proposals for me
344:58 probably a few marriage proposals for me marriage proposals you're in for murder
345:00 marriage proposals you're in for murder right that's an aphrodesiac for the
345:02 right that's an aphrodesiac for the fairer sex you know I'm actually
345:05 fairer sex you know I'm actually innocent no I wouldn't let that slip out
345:27 excuse me how did you decide that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar well
345:30 cigarettes was worth one candy bar well I was hungry first of all you should
345:32 I was hungry first of all you should never barter on an empty stomach second
345:35 never barter on an empty stomach second this is much too inefficient
345:42 oh so everything used for barter could be valued at a constant rate relative to
345:44 be valued at a constant rate relative to everything else for instance a shampoo
345:47 everything else for instance a shampoo bottle of homemade gin is equal to a
345:49 bottle of homemade gin is equal to a clean toothbrush which is also
345:51 clean toothbrush which is also equivalent to an 8 O bar of chocolate or
345:54 equivalent to an 8 O bar of chocolate or five
346:04 questions okay one might wonder what happens when
346:07 okay one might wonder what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity say
346:11 a scarcity in a perishable commodity say chocolate causes a relative glut of
346:14 chocolate causes a relative glut of another more durable item such as erotic
346:18 another more durable item such as erotic literature
346:21 literature anyone yes we carve a potato into the
346:24 anyone yes we carve a potato into the shape of a gun and cover it with shoe
346:26 shape of a gun and cover it with shoe polish you could do that or wait for the
346:30 polish you could do that or wait for the market to automatically adjust to take
346:32 market to automatically adjust to take into account the commodity imbalance
346:34 into account the commodity imbalance thus moving the exchange rate to a new
346:36 thus moving the exchange rate to a new point of stab
346:37 point of stab you can do all that without a potato
346:56 heig how about 8 n g y43 2 let me check boys boys you're
347:01 y43 2 let me check boys boys you're sitting on a gold mine here do you
347:03 sitting on a gold mine here do you realize the license plate business is a
347:05 realize the license plate business is a growth industry and and illegal Monopoly
347:08 growth industry and and illegal Monopoly by automating your order flow in
347:10 by automating your order flow in assembly process you'll increase
347:12 assembly process you'll increase productivity and reduced costs the guy
347:16 productivity and reduced costs the guy who had this job before didn't train
347:19 who had this job before didn't train me dead man
347:22 me dead man walking down the
347:37 aisle we are gathered here today to join two souls in holy matrimony and to damn
347:39 two souls in holy matrimony and to damn one of them to Eternal Hellfire I
347:42 one of them to Eternal Hellfire I understand that you two have written
347:43 understand that you two have written your own vows vce who would have thought
347:46 your own vows vce who would have thought 10 years ago that a Grizzly mass
347:48 10 years ago that a Grizzly mass murderer would lead to such a blissful
347:50 murderer would lead to such a blissful Union you are my heart you are my soul
347:54 Union you are my heart you are my soul you make living
347:56 you make living worthwhile I look forward to spending
347:58 worthwhile I look forward to spending the next 45 seconds as your loving wife
348:01 the next 45 seconds as your loving wife bch how to do it oh for the love of God
348:05 bch how to do it oh for the love of God please don't kill me
348:15 uh right okay by the authority vested in Me by the State Correctional Facility I
348:17 Me by the State Correctional Facility I pronounce your man and wife you may now
348:20 pronounce your man and wife you may now insert the
348:21 insert the gag you making a big mistake I didn't I
348:27 gag you making a big mistake I didn't I [Music]
348:30 [Music] didn't it is an Incredible Book Mr
348:33 didn't it is an Incredible Book Mr dogbert thanks it took me all morning to
348:36 dogbert thanks it took me all morning to write it it's the ending that bothers me
348:39 write it it's the ending that bothers me it would be better if this Dilbert
348:40 it would be better if this Dilbert fellow gets set free at the last minute
348:42 fellow gets set free at the last minute instead of flaming like a marshmallow
348:45 instead of flaming like a marshmallow how much better would it be about $3
348:47 how much better would it be about $3 million in movie rights I'll talk to the
348:49 million in movie rights I'll talk to the Supreme
348:52 Supreme [Music]
348:53 [Music] Court there are just no good convicts
348:56 Court there are just no good convicts out there that one's cute cute yes but
349:00 out there that one's cute cute yes but he's got a damn good appeal pending I
349:02 he's got a damn good appeal pending I read the brief no you can't tell
349:04 read the brief no you can't tell anything from a picture anyway in my
349:06 anything from a picture anyway in my high school yearbook book I didn't even
349:07 high school yearbook book I didn't even look
349:11 attractive maybe we should go visit Dilbert check the place out that sounds
349:13 Dilbert check the place out that sounds like it involves leaving work I'll
349:17 like it involves leaving work I'll drive I couldn't help overhearing you
349:19 drive I couldn't help overhearing you while I was eavesdropping do you mind if
349:21 while I was eavesdropping do you mind if I go with you to stare at the miserable
349:23 I go with you to stare at the miserable Mis creant uh there's no room in my car
349:26 Mis creant uh there's no room in my car it's filled with oxygen and carbon
349:27 it's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide that's not good I'll drive my
349:31 dioxide that's not good I'll drive my own car can you give me directions yes
349:34 own car can you give me directions yes yes I can
349:47 who's that he's an Axe Murderer ooh the outdoor type let me talk to Wall-E put
349:50 outdoor type let me talk to Wall-E put in a good word for me in C block hey
349:52 in a good word for me in C block hey Delbert looking good all that hard
349:55 Delbert looking good all that hard manual labor is paying off actually
349:56 manual labor is paying off actually there is no hard labor I have all day to
349:59 there is no hard labor I have all day to think to exercise and to work on my own
350:01 think to exercise and to work on my own projects I barely have to do anything if
350:03 projects I barely have to do anything if I don't want to but it's lonely right
350:06 I don't want to but it's lonely right hardly w-e this week alone I've received
350:08 hardly w-e this week alone I've received over a 100 marriage proposals boy is my
350:11 over a 100 marriage proposals boy is my value system all screwed
350:13 value system all screwed up oh there it is bars and all the big
350:28 house okay next we'll hear from Tino in shiv manufacturing thank you I'm pleased
350:31 shiv manufacturing thank you I'm pleased to report that uh since we instituted a
350:33 to report that uh since we instituted a battle recycling program the number of
350:36 battle recycling program the number of pointy object available to the prison
350:38 pointy object available to the prison population has
350:39 population has tripled good work um Bobby G you're up I
350:44 tripled good work um Bobby G you're up I just prepared this memo on the new
350:45 just prepared this memo on the new production quotas as you can see all the
350:48 production quotas as you can see all the inmates are participating in the prison
350:50 inmates are participating in the prison 401K considering the average inmate
350:52 401K considering the average inmate salary is 18 cents a day at maturity
350:55 salary is 18 cents a day at maturity this amounts to a retirement package of
350:57 this amounts to a retirement package of approximately
350:58 approximately $34 well let's see if we can't
351:00 $34 well let's see if we can't supplement that with some of the
351:01 supplement that with some of the souvenir sales all right is there any
351:04 souvenir sales all right is there any new business I think we should probably
351:07 new business I think we should probably discuss the status of the Escape Plan in
351:09 discuss the status of the Escape Plan in the progress of the tunnel all right
351:12 the progress of the tunnel all right using two shifts round the clock and a
351:14 using two shifts round the clock and a tpoon we have dug
351:16 tpoon we have dug approximately 3 ft at this rate of
351:19 approximately 3 ft at this rate of excavation we estimate the tunnel will
351:21 excavation we estimate the tunnel will be completed sometime in the year 2125
351:24 be completed sometime in the year 2125 and when is the escape currently
351:25 and when is the escape currently scheduled Tuesday okay I've done some
351:28 scheduled Tuesday okay I've done some calculations along with a preliminary
351:30 calculations along with a preliminary Geological Survey and
351:33 Geological Survey and Tony shirt the bearing wall is made of
351:37 Tony shirt the bearing wall is made of Basalt Basalt is among the most dense of
351:40 Basalt Basalt is among the most dense of ous rocks now if we drop down
351:43 ous rocks now if we drop down approximately 10 m the composition of
351:45 approximately 10 m the composition of the bordering wall becomes limestone a
351:48 the bordering wall becomes limestone a very spoon friendly material now I've
351:51 very spoon friendly material now I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon but
351:53 drawn up plans for an electric spoon but it's going to cost 4 million candy bars
351:56 it's going to cost 4 million candy bars no
351:57 no problem did you know that I'm the only
352:00 problem did you know that I'm the only one in my bridge club with a son on
352:03 one in my bridge club with a son on death row I'm sorry I'm such a
352:05 death row I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you Mom
352:07 disappointment to you Mom disappointment everyone asks about you
352:10 disappointment everyone asks about you you're out of the news I used to get
352:12 you're out of the news I used to get blank stairs when I told people you were
352:14 blank stairs when I told people you were an engineer but murderer that gets
352:17 an engineer but murderer that gets people's respect you could be a little
352:20 people's respect you could be a little disappointed let's see bank robbery 10
352:23 disappointed let's see bank robbery 10 to 15 years kidnapping ooh 20 to life
352:26 to 15 years kidnapping ooh 20 to life not too shabby furis the crime of
352:30 not too shabby furis the crime of rubbing up against people in crowded
352:32 rubbing up against people in crowded public places when did they make that
352:35 public places when did they make that illegal
352:40 dogbert always a pleasure why don't you come to the meetings anymore I'm not
352:43 come to the meetings anymore I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court
352:46 actually a member of the Supreme Court really now I feel bad about letting you
352:48 really now I feel bad about letting you write all those
352:50 write all those decisions I didn't mind what brings you
352:53 decisions I didn't mind what brings you in today I want you to overturn the
352:55 in today I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named
352:57 conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just
352:59 Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just write up your decision and sign all your
353:01 write up your decision and sign all your names to it okay but make me sound
353:04 names to it okay but make me sound indignant and throw something in there
353:06 indignant and throw something in there about fairness do you want a copy I
353:09 about fairness do you want a copy I don't see when I'd ever read it today my
353:12 don't see when I'd ever read it today my friends marks the dawning of a new era
353:15 friends marks the dawning of a new era today we prove that with Vigor
353:18 today we prove that with Vigor discipline and a
353:20 discipline and a [Applause]
353:49 what's your name good Lord man what's happened to
353:52 name good Lord man what's happened to you in
353:54 you in there okay time to go Dilbert but
353:56 there okay time to go Dilbert but they're coming back aren't they probably
353:59 they're coming back aren't they probably the recidivism rate is very high did
354:02 the recidivism rate is very high did they ever find the real killer funny
354:04 they ever find the real killer funny thing right after I got you off some LUN
354:06 thing right after I got you off some LUN to confess to the
354:19 crime you sure is good in not being able to hammer up them rocks at all I wasn't
354:23 to hammer up them rocks at all I wasn't really expecting this kind of an
354:25 really expecting this kind of an environment o are are those the conjugal
354:27 environment o are are those the conjugal visit trailers we a team you and me got
354:30 visit trailers we a team you and me got us a quote if and we ain't met her but
354:33 us a quote if and we ain't met her but Sundown we ain't getting no dinner so
354:36 Sundown we ain't getting no dinner so you uh get a lot of marriage proposals
354:38 you uh get a lot of marriage proposals since you've been here you hear me up
354:40 since you've been here you hear me up boy I ain't missing my shower day a kind
354:43 boy I ain't missing my shower day a kind of your baby butt hands can't swing a
354:45 of your baby butt hands can't swing a pick grab up that there pick and bring
354:48 pick grab up that there pick and bring her
354:55 down no that ain't going to do her here let me show
355:10 you now you get it I think my shoulders are
355:13 are dislocating that's enough Out of
355:20 You by the power vested in Me by the State Correctional Facility I Now
355:22 State Correctional Facility I Now Pronounce your man and wife you may now
355:24 Pronounce your man and wife you may now insert the
355:32 gag yellow it's the governor the real killer
355:35 yellow it's the governor the real killer confessed you've been
355:42 hardened now we can start a life together Alice it's like a miracle
355:44 together Alice it's like a miracle you're innocent I'm having serious
355:47 you're innocent I'm having serious second thoughts the governor wants to
355:49 second thoughts the governor wants to speak to you tell him to hold for one
356:21 [Applause] [Music]
356:40 I didn't know you ate here I don't I just come here to yell at the employees
356:42 just come here to yell at the employees your milkshake sir that'll be $189 your
356:45 your milkshake sir that'll be $189 your sign says $1.98 what kind of a ripoff
356:48 sign says $1.98 what kind of a ripoff joint is this oh I am so sorry you're
356:52 joint is this oh I am so sorry you're right now I don't even want it you can
356:54 right now I don't even want it you can keep your milkshake have a nice
356:58 keep your milkshake have a nice day see you back at the
357:06 office have a nice day would you like a free dupy with that I don't know what a
357:08 free dupy with that I don't know what a dupy is but if it's free I'll take
357:11 dupy is but if it's free I'll take one I'm sorry we don't have
357:19 any I'm not going to hit you you can if you want everyone
357:21 you want everyone does thank you what exactly is a dupy
357:24 does thank you what exactly is a dupy anyway I have no idea sir but they're
357:27 anyway I have no idea sir but they're very popular oh they're the cutest
357:30 very popular oh they're the cutest things although they don't even exist
357:32 things although they don't even exist yet I'm trying to collect the whole set
357:35 yet I'm trying to collect the whole set they don't exist
357:37 they don't exist why are you asking me if I want
357:38 why are you asking me if I want something that doesn't even exist that's
357:40 something that doesn't even exist that's the idea I don't know sir I just work
358:12 [Music] [Laughter]
358:14 [Laughter] [Music]
358:38 [Applause] [Music]
358:42 [Music] [Applause]
359:10 ratbert can you tell me why strange babies are in my kitchen no I'm
359:13 babies are in my kitchen no I'm operating on a need to no
359:16 operating on a need to no [Music]
359:18 [Music] basis spoons
359:32 [Music] dining it's hard to get mad they're so
359:35 dining it's hard to get mad they're so cute that's what I've been telling you
359:37 cute that's what I've been telling you use your cuteness it is your most
359:39 use your cuteness it is your most powerful weapon do you think you should
359:41 powerful weapon do you think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing no
359:43 be teaching babies this sort of thing no you can't start too early I've been
359:45 you can't start too early I've been working with most of these kids since
359:46 working with most of these kids since they were in the womb what do their
359:48 they were in the womb what do their parents think of this no they think
359:50 parents think of this no they think they're at the park the nannies are on
359:51 they're at the park the nannies are on the payroll don't you think they have a
359:53 the payroll don't you think they have a right to know why because they're older
359:56 right to know why because they're older it's so arbitrary now you'll excuse me
360:00 it's so arbitrary now you'll excuse me next week I'll teach you how to kick the
360:01 next week I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire
360:03 seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie then I have a
360:05 length of the movie then I have a special clinic on making all the candy
360:06 special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle of
360:15 slobbering I invited Anne from marketing to tell us a little about our newest
360:18 to tell us a little about our newest advertising
360:26 campaign uh-oh sneeze coming fire in the
360:29 coming fire in the hole I think everyone might be
360:31 hole I think everyone might be overreacting
360:41 kazun hide watch me get blamed for that maybe I'll just tell you about the
360:44 that maybe I'll just tell you about the marketing campaign myself I've got a
360:46 marketing campaign myself I've got a little surprise for you uh-oh I don't
360:49 little surprise for you uh-oh I don't like surprises nothing good can come
360:50 like surprises nothing good can come from this my desire for spontaneity has
360:53 from this my desire for spontaneity has not been ground into dust yet I still
360:55 not been ground into dust yet I still like a surprise is it a ceranic porpus
360:57 like a surprise is it a ceranic porpus or possibly some sort of toss salad in a
360:59 or possibly some sort of toss salad in a blanket come on those aren't even good
361:02 blanket come on those aren't even good guesses oh please show us and make my
361:05 guesses oh please show us and make my tingly stop look it's a
361:09 tingly stop look it's a dupy isn't it cute isn't it
361:13 dupy isn't it cute isn't it cute well isn't it it's your hand that's
361:17 cute well isn't it it's your hand that's because the freaking dupy doesn't exist
361:19 because the freaking dupy doesn't exist yet our marketing department has been
361:21 yet our marketing department has been advertising it for months you mean our
361:24 advertising it for months you mean our company is supposed to be making the
361:25 company is supposed to be making the dupy we're not even a toy company why
361:28 dupy we're not even a toy company why didn't someone in marketing come to us
361:30 didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner Dilbert you're in charge of
361:34 sooner Dilbert you're in charge of building the dupy
361:36 building the dupy just make it cute very very cute there
361:40 just make it cute very very cute there are more important things than cuteness
361:42 are more important things than cuteness you
361:43 you [Music]
361:44 [Music] know hold it there's still time to
361:47 know hold it there's still time to invite someone else from marketing
362:22 word dber cut the cord me I don't think so you really think I should maybe just
362:25 so you really think I should maybe just cut the
362:41 remember kids if your parents feel guilty they are
362:43 guilty they are guilty hey look what I brought home it's
362:48 guilty hey look what I brought home it's a no I'm not the cutest one in the
362:51 a no I'm not the cutest one in the family
362:52 family anymore oh God
363:10 what's wrong must be a loose
363:14 wrong must be a loose connection now come on I can't do this
363:17 connection now come on I can't do this all night this is not the way you've
363:19 all night this is not the way you've been
363:20 been programmed I'm sure you're fine this is
363:23 programmed I'm sure you're fine this is just a minor
363:25 just a minor malfunction now stop it stop it
363:44 [Music] I'm sorry I'm late the dupy kept me up
363:46 I'm sorry I'm late the dupy kept me up again last night it is very Innovative
363:48 again last night it is very Innovative to blame a toy for your shortcomings
363:50 to blame a toy for your shortcomings surely this method will spread like
363:52 surely this method will spread like wildfire I'm not really lazy I blame
363:55 wildfire I'm not really lazy I blame that damn dupy sometimes the dupy makes
363:57 that damn dupy sometimes the dupy makes my hair look too big I'm not loud I'm
364:00 my hair look too big I'm not loud I'm not making this up the dupy's
364:02 not making this up the dupy's malfunctioning at night and I don't know
364:04 malfunctioning at night and I don't know why sounds fam familiar h i remember
364:08 why sounds fam familiar h i remember when I'd be trying to sleep and the
364:10 when I'd be trying to sleep and the Little Tikes would be crying all night
364:12 Little Tikes would be crying all night in the Next Room how did you stop them
364:15 in the Next Room how did you stop them didn't have to turns out I was in the
364:16 didn't have to turns out I was in the wrong
364:31 house my Justin shows absolutely no interest in the Dy I'm with him I don't
364:34 interest in the Dy I'm with him I don't know what people see in these things
364:36 know what people see in these things Justin only watches educational
364:38 Justin only watches educational television yeah and I don't eat sugar
364:40 television yeah and I don't eat sugar right from the box when you're not
364:42 right from the box when you're not looking give me the keys I'll pull the
364:44 looking give me the keys I'll pull the car
364:59 around I'll name you Billy and Eric and I think you look like a Sebastian hey
365:01 I think you look like a Sebastian hey Alice have you seen the sales report the
365:03 Alice have you seen the sales report the dupies are a huge sensation it just
365:06 dupies are a huge sensation it just proves people will buy
365:08 proves people will buy anything what was that I didn't hear any
365:10 anything what was that I didn't hear any dupies would you excuse me I have work
365:12 dupies would you excuse me I have work to do
365:20 okay she's coming this way you might as well go home right now my friend she is
365:22 well go home right now my friend she is all mine oh yeah what do you
365:32 got is that it read them and weep a dy I can't compete with with
365:50 that can I have these sure okay she took mine
365:58 first our top news story the dupy doll has become an international sensation oh
366:01 has become an international sensation oh yeah all this despite reports that some
366:04 yeah all this despite reports that some dupies are evolving from their original
366:06 dupies are evolving from their original cute form evolving into something
366:09 cute form evolving into something hideous that could destroy the planet
366:11 hideous that could destroy the planet within the week destroy the planet and
366:14 within the week destroy the planet and now some celebrity birthdays brought to
366:16 now some celebrity birthdays brought to you by the
366:18 you by the [Applause]
366:27 Dy by any criteria we are superior we are the
366:30 superior we are the new that's our show for today kids if
366:33 new that's our show for today kids if you'd like a copy of our transcript
366:35 you'd like a copy of our transcript we'll transmit it directly into your
366:37 we'll transmit it directly into your head using telepathy and remember if
366:40 head using telepathy and remember if your parents don't buy you a dupy every
366:42 your parents don't buy you a dupy every week they're only pretending to love
366:47 week they're only pretending to love [Music]
366:48 [Music] you hello Mom have you mailed me
366:52 you hello Mom have you mailed me anything
367:01 recently Dy Dy we need to talk dupy
367:20 and so you see we have evolved into a higher form of life uh higher than who
367:23 higher form of life uh higher than who not counting you dogbert apology
367:26 not counting you dogbert apology accepted I can't help noticing you've
367:28 accepted I can't help noticing you've lost one quality we are no longer as you
367:30 lost one quality we are no longer as you say cute woo I'm the cutest one in the
367:34 say cute woo I'm the cutest one in the family again
367:36 family again kumay my Lord
367:40 kumay my Lord kumay all right I'll shut up now we have
367:43 kumay all right I'll shut up now we have evolved beyond the need for cuteness it
367:46 evolved beyond the need for cuteness it has no role in an advanced
367:54 species hello gorgeous do you mind if I use the
367:56 gorgeous do you mind if I use the Reflection from your head as a mirror
367:59 Reflection from your head as a mirror I'm in the
368:05 door what's in the bag is that one of those cute little dupies they come for
368:08 those cute little dupies they come for the reflection but they stay for the
368:29 [Music] ridiculous so this is what happens when
368:31 ridiculous so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too
368:33 you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long we are not huge flies we are an
368:36 long we are not huge flies we are an advanced form of life you have freed us
368:38 advanced form of life you have freed us from the draw to reward you we will use
368:41 from the draw to reward you we will use our Advanced intellect to benefit
368:43 our Advanced intellect to benefit mankind what is it your species needs
368:46 mankind what is it your species needs most I can't think of anything perhaps
368:49 most I can't think of anything perhaps we could tell you how to cure a terrible
368:51 we could tell you how to cure a terrible disease no I'm good maybe you would like
368:54 disease no I'm good maybe you would like a Perpetual clean fuel source don't need
368:56 a Perpetual clean fuel source don't need it I use gasoline have you heard of
369:05 it Ken is here from marketing to tell us how the saes of dupies are going I'm
369:08 how the saes of dupies are going I'm afraid it's bad
369:23 time and I've never seen anything go from good to bad so
369:33 quickly maybe I'll tell you the dupy status myself
369:36 status myself they evolved into hideous insects and CS
369:41 they evolved into hideous insects and CS are in the crapper they're not insects
369:43 are in the crapper they're not insects they're a superior form of life Superior
369:46 they're a superior form of life Superior they don't even look cute anymore
369:48 they don't even look cute anymore there's more to being Superior than just
369:50 there's more to being Superior than just being cute you know you're preaching to
369:53 being cute you know you're preaching to the choir they can teach us so much
369:55 the choir they can teach us so much science technology medicine they're not
369:58 science technology medicine they're not cute anymore no they're not cute loud
370:01 cute anymore no they're not cute loud Howard but they are so much more now
370:03 Howard but they are so much more now they have transcended our Limited levels
370:05 they have transcended our Limited levels of awareness and become the next logical
370:07 of awareness and become the next logical evolutionary step and they're delicious
370:10 evolutionary step and they're delicious with terar sauce what yes we're very
370:13 with terar sauce what yes we're very excited our studies show that the dupies
370:16 excited our studies show that the dupies are dup belicious we're relaunching the
370:19 are dup belicious we're relaunching the dupy product line next week as a pizza
370:23 dupy product line next week as a pizza topping you can't do that the dupies are
370:26 topping you can't do that the dupies are sensient beings if by sension you mean
370:31 sensient beings if by sension you mean good eaten I think we're on the same
370:33 good eaten I think we're on the same page
370:38 I know how it feels to create a new species only to have someone come along
370:40 species only to have someone come along later and eat it you do I don't talk
370:42 later and eat it you do I don't talk about it much I can't let the dupies
370:44 about it much I can't let the dupies become pizza topping I have to do
370:46 become pizza topping I have to do something why you stood idly by while it
370:49 something why you stood idly by while it happened to pineapples pineapples are
370:51 happened to pineapples pineapples are different they're not alive well they're
370:53 different they're not alive well they're alive but they aren't intelligent
370:55 alive but they aren't intelligent they're smarter than bananas it's all
370:57 they're smarter than bananas it's all relative what are you saying it's
371:00 relative what are you saying it's arbitrary who's your pet who's your food
371:02 arbitrary who's your pet who's your food who's your insurance salesman we have
371:04 who's your insurance salesman we have reason for those distinctions yes but
371:08 reason for those distinctions yes but not good reasons how do I convince
371:10 not good reasons how do I convince people the dupies aren't food teach the
371:12 people the dupies aren't food teach the dupies to sell insurance that's not the
371:15 dupies to sell insurance that's not the best advice you've ever given they can't
371:17 best advice you've ever given they can't all be
371:17 all be [Music]
371:20 [Music] winners I do not wish to be a pizza
371:23 winners I do not wish to be a pizza topping I'm trying to figure out how to
371:25 topping I'm trying to figure out how to save you and your people have I
371:27 save you and your people have I mentioned that I'm a superior life form
371:30 mentioned that I'm a superior life form about once a minute since you got Wings
371:32 about once a minute since you got Wings it never gets old look I can save you
371:36 it never gets old look I can save you you'll just have to hide in the house
371:37 you'll just have to hide in the house with me I I just don't know about the
371:43 [Music] others you have raised me and I am
371:46 others you have raised me and I am grateful but I am a dupy I must be with
371:49 grateful but I am a dupy I must be with other dupies it is time for me to leave
371:52 other dupies it is time for me to leave the
371:54 the nest you can't leave if someone gets a
371:57 nest you can't leave if someone gets a bun around you you're dead that is a
371:59 bun around you you're dead that is a risk I must take you did your best and I
372:02 risk I must take you did your best and I will always love you for that but you
372:04 will always love you for that but you cannot protect me
372:10 forever doy
372:12 doy [Music]
372:18 [Music] [Applause]
372:24 goodbye don't ever leave this room never mind the moment's
372:27 leave this room never mind the moment's gone
372:45 stupid fruit best three out of five let me ask you a hypothetical
372:48 five let me ask you a hypothetical question would you eat an insurance
372:50 question would you eat an insurance salesman I did that once is a part of a
372:54 salesman I did that once is a part of a fraternity hazing okay bad example I
372:58 fraternity hazing okay bad example I just realized I don't know what
373:00 just realized I don't know what hypothetical
373:02 hypothetical means my goal is to create an anti- dupy
373:05 means my goal is to create an anti- dupy eating campaign okay how
373:08 eating campaign okay how about this is your brain this is your
373:11 about this is your brain this is your brain after eating a dupy that doesn't
373:14 brain after eating a dupy that doesn't even make
373:16 even make sense you don't understand the creative
373:19 sense you don't understand the creative process you stole that slogan from the
373:21 process you stole that slogan from the anti-drug campaign okay maybe you do
373:24 anti-drug campaign okay maybe you do understand the creative process how
373:26 understand the creative process how about dupies they're like little
373:29 about dupies they're like little insurance salesman with wings no too
373:32 insurance salesman with wings no too overdone overdone how about dupies
373:36 overdone overdone how about dupies they're like little Insurance salesmen
373:39 they're like little Insurance salesmen with
373:40 with wings much
373:55 better since we converted the dupies to a food item worldwide sales have leveled
373:59 a food item worldwide sales have leveled out at zero we're calling it a success
374:03 out at zero we're calling it a success because that's just what we do gee I
374:06 because that's just what we do gee I wonder why no one wants to eat the
374:08 wonder why no one wants to eat the dupies maybe it has something to do with
374:11 dupies maybe it has something to do with that brilliant new anti- dupy eating
374:13 that brilliant new anti- dupy eating campaign no it wasn't that our research
374:17 campaign no it wasn't that our research tells us no one wants to eat huge
374:19 tells us no one wants to eat huge talking insects that beg for their lives
374:22 talking insects that beg for their lives it's not intuitive but the anti- dupy
374:24 it's not intuitive but the anti- dupy eating ad campaign helped a little too
374:28 eating ad campaign helped a little too no anyway we shipped our entire dupy
374:31 no anyway we shipped our entire dupy inventory to the landfill where they
374:33 inventory to the landfill where they will be pecked to death by seagulls do
374:36 will be pecked to death by seagulls do we call that a success too you can't
374:38 we call that a success too you can't just throw the dupies away they're a
374:40 just throw the dupies away they're a superior form of life they're not cute
374:44 superior form of life they're not cute anymore Deja
374:51 [Applause] Vu do you know where the landfill is
374:53 Vu do you know where the landfill is this might seem odd to you but I do get
374:56 this might seem odd to you but I do get in
374:57 in [Music]
375:07 we'll need reinforcements the landfill has a rule that you can't take anything
375:09 has a rule that you can't take anything back they never Bend dogbert meet us at
375:12 back they never Bend dogbert meet us at the landfill bring help
375:36 it looks like you got an empty truck there you know the rules no pickups only
375:39 there you know the rules no pickups only drop offs I'm here to save an advanced
375:41 drop offs I'm here to save an advanced species from being pecked to death by
375:43 species from being pecked to death by seagulls if I made an exception for you
375:45 seagulls if I made an exception for you everyone would be coming in here and
375:47 everyone would be coming in here and taking home garbage the whole system
375:48 taking home garbage the whole system would break down please just this once
375:51 would break down please just this once we promise we won't touch any of the
375:52 we promise we won't touch any of the good stuff who told you there's good
375:54 good stuff who told you there's good stuff in
375:57 stuff in [Music]
375:58 [Music] there ready
376:01 there ready spoon commence dining
376:30 [Music] oh dupy am I too late we tried on energy
376:35 oh dupy am I too late we tried on energy blasts but they just kept coming it's
376:38 blasts but they just kept coming it's okay now you can come home you'll be all
376:40 okay now you can come home you'll be all right we can't go back somehow we have
376:44 right we can't go back somehow we have been branded as insurance
376:46 been branded as insurance salesman we will never be respected on
376:48 salesman we will never be respected on this world oh I can explain that we must
376:52 this world oh I can explain that we must leave this place the dupies must escape
376:54 leave this place the dupies must escape the bigotry and random seagull attacks
376:56 the bigotry and random seagull attacks that characterize this world you under
376:59 that characterize this world you under stand unfortunately I do goodbye goodbye
377:13 [Music] I see you ey on those melon rinds those
377:15 I see you ey on those melon rinds those are my melon rinds don't even think
377:17 are my melon rinds don't even think about those melon rind I got dipped on
377:19 about those melon rind I got dipped on the rindes you hear me you hear
377:27 me the house seems so empty now have you noticed that I exist yes but I don't
377:29 noticed that I exist yes but I don't miss you because you're always here that
377:32 miss you because you're always here that is the nicest compliment I have ever
377:34 is the nicest compliment I have ever heard
377:36 heard dupy is that you where are you I can't
377:39 dupy is that you where are you I can't reveal our new location for security
377:41 reveal our new location for security reasons I understand we have found a new
377:44 reasons I understand we have found a new home where our Advanced intellect is
377:46 home where our Advanced intellect is appreciated and physical appearance is
377:48 appreciated and physical appearance is not important I didn't realize there was
377:51 not important I didn't realize there was such a place I must go now we have a
377:54 such a place I must go now we have a code review meeting
377:57 code review meeting [Music]
378:12 [Music] he
378:15 he [Music]
378:42 this car pooling together is a great idea who thought of it anyway you did
378:45 idea who thought of it anyway you did well oh I don't do you mind if I shave
378:48 well oh I don't do you mind if I shave in the car I guess that would be
378:55 okay what are you doing I like to start on my
379:03 back I hope you realize I have to sell my car now you mind if I brush my teeth
379:06 my car now you mind if I brush my teeth I don't see how you
379:08 I don't see how you can how do you expect to rinse your
379:10 can how do you expect to rinse your mouth
379:22 out mm-m [Music]
379:24 [Music] mm- tomorrow you drive preferably
379:27 mm- tomorrow you drive preferably without me
379:41 what what was that sound I think you hit a squirrel
380:05 [Laughter] [Music]
380:10 [Music] [Applause]
380:30 [Applause] [Music]
380:56 [Music] I love the car pooling by the way I
380:58 I love the car pooling by the way I dropped my floss in the crack ofier seat
380:59 dropped my floss in the crack ofier seat I'd like it back you can have the whole
381:01 I'd like it back you can have the whole car thank you have a nice day
381:11 I left my ID in the car but you know me I do we've seen each other every day for
381:13 I do we've seen each other every day for the past 5 years then you must know my
381:16 the past 5 years then you must know my name well uh it's Gary of course Gary I
381:21 name well uh it's Gary of course Gary I knew that it's not Gary then why did you
381:24 knew that it's not Gary then why did you tell me it was testing your character
381:26 tell me it was testing your character guess you failed look I'm kind of in a
381:28 guess you failed look I'm kind of in a hurry there's always enough time to be
381:31 hurry there's always enough time to be secure that's my motto that's not your
381:35 secure that's my motto that's not your motto it is now I liked it as soon as I
381:38 motto it is now I liked it as soon as I heard it how about letting me slide this
381:40 heard it how about letting me slide this time I'm afraid that would be a
381:42 time I'm afraid that would be a violation of the security guard's
381:43 violation of the security guard's professional code of ethics professional
381:45 professional code of ethics professional code of ethics is that a joke all you do
381:48 code of ethics is that a joke all you do is sit there and watch people walk past
381:50 is sit there and watch people walk past that's hardly a profession well Mr big
381:54 that's hardly a profession well Mr big shot engineer thinks he's king of the
381:55 shot engineer thinks he's king of the world with his degree in his briefcase
381:58 world with his degree in his briefcase and his fancy cubicle it must be so hard
382:01 and his fancy cubicle it must be so hard to sit there in meetings all day at
382:04 to sit there in meetings all day at least least it's a profession with very
382:06 least least it's a profession with very strict requirements your job could be
382:08 strict requirements your job could be done by
382:09 done by a a
382:11 a a uh help me out here there's always
382:15 uh help me out here there's always enough time to be
382:17 enough time to be secure an ostrich that's what your job
382:20 secure an ostrich that's what your job could be done by oh good one an ostrich
382:23 could be done by oh good one an ostrich could do my job very clever I'm sure you
382:25 could do my job very clever I'm sure you use that cleverness in your challenging
382:27 use that cleverness in your challenging job as an engineer you bet I do and lots
382:30 job as an engineer you bet I do and lots more I could be an engineer tomorrow if
382:33 more I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to but you could never ever do
382:36 I wanted to but you could never ever do my job that is the most ridiculous thing
382:38 my job that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard engineering takes years
382:40 I've ever heard engineering takes years of training I've been doing some reading
382:42 of training I've been doing some reading on the
382:48 topic for example did you know you can build your own helicopter for
382:50 build your own helicopter for $25 you can't build a helicopter for $25
382:54 $25 you can't build a helicopter for $25 that just gets you the instructions what
382:56 that just gets you the instructions what if you already have all the parts good
382:58 if you already have all the parts good point there who has helicopter parts in
383:00 point there who has helicopter parts in their house you can't be an engineer
383:02 their house you can't be an engineer just by reading magazines if you're so
383:05 just by reading magazines if you're so cocky how about a little wager we'll
383:07 cocky how about a little wager we'll switch jobs for one day whoever can do
383:10 switch jobs for one day whoever can do the other person's job wins I do it
383:12 the other person's job wins I do it except there's no way you could ever get
383:14 except there's no way you could ever get hired as an engineer when can you start
383:16 hired as an engineer when can you start what are you doing he's never been an
383:18 what are you doing he's never been an engineer before oh how hard Could It Be
383:21 engineer before oh how hard Could It Be I'm always correcting your work and I've
383:23 I'm always correcting your work and I've never been to engineering school you
383:25 never been to engineering school you always correct my work from being right
383:27 always correct my work from being right to being wrong
383:30 to being wrong well there's always enough time to be
383:33 well there's always enough time to be secure okay you're on and what are we
383:37 secure okay you're on and what are we wagering if you're so cocky it doesn't
383:39 wagering if you're so cocky it doesn't matter since I'm going to win how about
383:41 matter since I'm going to win how about your house sure why not if I lose you
383:43 your house sure why not if I lose you can have my house if you lose I can have
383:46 can have my house if you lose I can have your house I don't have a house how
383:48 your house I don't have a house how about your speed boat uh no polo ponies
383:51 about your speed boat uh no polo ponies let me think no my God man what have you
383:56 let me think no my God man what have you been wasting your money on food well
383:59 been wasting your money on food well maybe you should cut back on the
384:01 maybe you should cut back on the calories that's how I got my summer home
384:03 calories that's how I got my summer home how about your car it's borrowed but
384:06 how about your car it's borrowed but yeah I guess that'd be okay
384:08 yeah I guess that'd be okay deal but you still need your ID to get
384:10 deal but you still need your ID to get in the building I'll be right back it's
384:13 in the building I'll be right back it's in the glove compartment look at the
384:15 in the glove compartment look at the time got to
384:18 time got to go you want to get in on the sports pool
384:20 go you want to get in on the sports pool what teams are playing doesn't matter
384:23 what teams are playing doesn't matter the winners are chosen by matching the
384:24 the winners are chosen by matching the scores to your randomly selected
384:26 scores to your randomly selected positions on a grid if it's random why
384:29 positions on a grid if it's random why does it matter what the scores are why
384:31 does it matter what the scores are why not forget the game and pick the winners
384:32 not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat so you prefer to play the
384:35 out of a hat so you prefer to play the Hat I can make that
384:42 happen for $1 you can draw from the hat and there are no random sports teams
384:44 and there are no random sports teams involved right just the way you like it
384:58 $1 it's a four that's all those there thanks for playing what was the winning
385:00 thanks for playing what was the winning number not four that's all you need to
385:02 number not four that's all you need to know did I hear some gambling going on
385:04 know did I hear some gambling going on here I want in well there's the sports
385:06 here I want in well there's the sports pool the Deadpool the awards pool and
385:08 pool the Deadpool the awards pool and the Dilbert
385:13 pool people are betting on me well most are betting against you you know if you
385:15 are betting against you you know if you bet against yourself you'll be covered
385:17 bet against yourself you'll be covered both ways I'm not betting what are the
385:19 both ways I'm not betting what are the odds 5 to one against I'll take the
385:22 odds 5 to one against I'll take the Dilbert pool the hats of suckers
385:29 game how much training do you think I need to be a security guard for one day
385:32 need to be a security guard for one day 6 months maybe a year a year all they do
385:35 6 months maybe a year a year all they do is stand there and say have a nice day
385:37 is stand there and say have a nice day it looks pretty easy it looks easy
385:39 it looks pretty easy it looks easy because they're so good at it if you try
385:41 because they're so good at it if you try to do that job without the proper
385:42 to do that job without the proper training you're dead meat dead meat is
385:45 training you're dead meat dead meat is redundant once something gets classified
385:47 redundant once something gets classified as meat it hardly ever recovers I've got
385:50 as meat it hardly ever recovers I've got a pork chop in the fridge that I'm
385:51 a pork chop in the fridge that I'm optimistic about he's a fighter do you
385:54 optimistic about he's a fighter do you have to argue with every single thing I
385:56 have to argue with every single thing I say no I don't have to it's my hobby I
385:59 say no I don't have to it's my hobby I can quit anytime I
386:00 can quit anytime I want I need to find a one-day training
386:03 want I need to find a one-day training course on how to be a security
386:06 course on how to be a security guard here we go learn the art of Office
386:10 guard here we go learn the art of Office security in one easy class taught by
386:13 security in one easy class taught by security guard Grandmaster Chu NE that
386:16 security guard Grandmaster Chu NE that sounds good the course includes sitting
386:18 sounds good the course includes sitting in a chair pointing toward the elevator
386:21 in a chair pointing toward the elevator shoing smokers away from the lobby
386:23 shoing smokers away from the lobby entrance and killing an intruder with
386:25 entrance and killing an intruder with your thumb does it have to be an
386:27 your thumb does it have to be an intruder because that could come in
386:31 intruder because that could come in handy that is absolutely the last time
386:33 handy that is absolutely the last time we CAU carpool together was it my
386:35 we CAU carpool together was it my singing because I don't have to do
386:37 singing because I don't have to do German Opera I make up the words so it
386:39 German Opera I make up the words so it can be any language you
386:46 like well if it isn't my old Nemesis the security
386:48 security guard don't make me use the thumb just
386:51 guard don't make me use the thumb just show me the badge and no one gets hurt
386:53 show me the badge and no one gets hurt okay
387:03 okay there's still time to get in the sports pool only $1 per square do you
387:06 sports pool only $1 per square do you take credit cards yes I do loud Howard
387:09 take credit cards yes I do loud Howard I've upgraded my operation this is a
387:11 I've upgraded my operation this is a good investment because I get airline
387:14 good investment because I get airline miles here is my brand new credit card
387:17 miles here is my brand new credit card it has a $10 limit a Shucks in for 10 no
387:20 it has a $10 limit a Shucks in for 10 no only five I charged some items at the
387:23 only five I charged some items at the drugstore earlier today never mind what
387:26 drugstore earlier today never mind what why would we care what you bought at the
387:28 why would we care what you bought at the drugstore nice try but my exciting life
387:31 drugstore nice try but my exciting life is none of your business my lips are
387:33 is none of your business my lips are sealed what else do you have to bet on I
387:35 sealed what else do you have to bet on I got the fever now I could deal some
387:37 got the fever now I could deal some poker until the boss gets here deal
387:54 them sorry I'm late but someone didn't let me clean my ears in the car this
387:56 let me clean my ears in the car this morning so my schedule's been off all
387:59 morning so my schedule's been off all day you asked to use my pen anyway
388:02 day you asked to use my pen anyway anyway the reason we're here is to
388:04 anyway the reason we're here is to select someone from the group to
388:05 select someone from the group to organize a career day for young girls
388:08 organize a career day for young girls who might want to be Engineers someday
388:10 who might want to be Engineers someday these girls need a role model someone
388:13 these girls need a role model someone who is feminine yet skilled at
388:16 who is feminine yet skilled at technology how about a shook he's not
388:19 technology how about a shook he's not technically a woman but he doesn't have
388:20 technically a woman but he doesn't have much upper body strength either one time
388:23 much upper body strength either one time I asked for help carrying a computer
388:25 I asked for help carrying a computer monitor one time calm down a shook I was
388:29 monitor one time calm down a shook I was thinking more along the lines of a real
388:31 thinking more along the lines of a real woman
388:40 I got a pair of fours if anyone beats that I'll rip off his head and spit down
388:41 that I'll rip off his head and spit down his
388:43 his neck
388:46 neck what you say you want to be security
388:50 what you say you want to be security guards but do you have the stamina the
388:53 guards but do you have the stamina the Courage the guts for the
388:55 Courage the guts for the [Music]
388:57 [Music] job now close your eyes and imagine you
389:01 job now close your eyes and imagine you have just been asked for directions to
389:03 have just been asked for directions to the
389:05 the elevator with your left hand
389:15 point in your final lesson you will learn how to kill a man with your thumb
389:18 learn how to kill a man with your thumb no I need a
389:21 no I need a volunteer you do realize he's going to
389:23 volunteer you do realize he's going to kill you with his thumb
389:32 oh so the student becomes the teacher not really I just thought that needed to
389:34 not really I just thought that needed to be clarified maybe you would like to see
389:36 be clarified maybe you would like to see how the thumb can kill a man I have to
389:39 how the thumb can kill a man I have to admit I'd like to see it I'm having some
389:40 admit I'd like to see it I'm having some trouble believing you can kill someone
389:42 trouble believing you can kill someone with a thumb you dare to mock me I have
389:45 with a thumb you dare to mock me I have attained three navy blue belts in Office
389:48 attained three navy blue belts in Office security I'm just saying it's hard to
389:50 security I'm just saying it's hard to believe a thumb silence or you will have
389:52 believe a thumb silence or you will have to deal with
390:05 me uh anybody want to get coffee as you know we need to build a
390:06 as you know we need to build a high-speed Communications link to our
390:08 high-speed Communications link to our Brazilian subsidiary any
390:10 Brazilian subsidiary any ideas fiber optic cable that would not
390:13 ideas fiber optic cable that would not be economical given the rough terrain
390:15 be economical given the rough terrain well then how about microwave relay
390:17 well then how about microwave relay stations on top of the hills no too hard
390:19 stations on top of the hills no too hard to get the maintenance Crews up the
390:20 to get the maintenance Crews up the hills how about you new
390:24 hills how about you new Dilbert
390:25 Dilbert well we could build helicopters from
390:30 well we could build helicopters from ordinary Parts found in our homes and
390:33 ordinary Parts found in our homes and fly buy the maintenance cruise up the
390:35 fly buy the maintenance cruise up the hills isn't that expensive only $25 a
390:55 piece I'm officer Dilbert here for the night shift nice to meet you officer
390:57 night shift nice to meet you officer Dilbert I'm
391:04 officer I've sat in some spirited chairs in my day but this one is the Devil
391:06 in my day but this one is the Devil Himself you are trained aren't you kind
391:09 Himself you are trained aren't you kind of God help you
391:12 of God help you son there's a garlic necklace under the
391:14 son there's a garlic necklace under the counter for when it gets dark garlic
391:17 counter for when it gets dark garlic keeps away the
391:19 keeps away the undead don't try eating a cross that
391:21 undead don't try eating a cross that don't
391:33 work I'm working security and looking good
391:35 good [Music]
391:52 [Music] how do they do that Moon walking it must
391:54 how do they do that Moon walking it must be special
391:55 be special effects well no problems yet and I've
391:58 effects well no problems yet and I've been a security guard for well
392:01 been a security guard for well over a minute
392:03 over a minute [Music]
392:10 we're so glad you're having this career day for our daughters Alice you're such
392:12 day for our daughters Alice you're such a good role model pick up your little
392:14 a good role model pick up your little monsters in an hour otherwise I'm going
392:16 monsters in an hour otherwise I'm going to feed them to the homeless she's got a
392:18 to feed them to the homeless she's got a great sense of
392:19 great sense of humor am I too early come back in an
392:33 hour halt I just came in to use the restroom restrooms are for employees
392:35 restroom restrooms are for employees only do you mind if I use the elevator
392:37 only do you mind if I use the elevator then no you may not use the
392:39 then no you may not use the elevator the man in the ill-fitting blue
392:41 elevator the man in the ill-fitting blue suit is Dilbert don't be like
392:52 him did you come down to keep me company I came for Casino KN Casino KN you might
392:56 I came for Casino KN Casino KN you might have the wrong building no I'm
392:58 have the wrong building no I'm infallible I don't know why you can't
393:00 infallible I don't know why you can't remember that maybe i' better come with
393:02 remember that maybe i' better come with you
393:19 okay girls this game is called craps cuz if you lose you can beat the crap out of
393:22 if you lose you can beat the crap out of w-e I could take those little
393:33 girls Mom gilber I thought so what all those years pretending to be an engineer
393:37 those years pretending to be an engineer it all makes sense now no it's not like
393:39 it all makes sense now no it's not like that what are you doing here this is an
393:42 that what are you doing here this is an illegal Casino I know isn't it wonderful
393:45 illegal Casino I know isn't it wonderful just this afternoon I found your
393:47 just this afternoon I found your collection of Susan B Anthony Dollars in
393:49 collection of Susan B Anthony Dollars in the basement I was ready to throw them
393:52 the basement I was ready to throw them away but then I heard about Wally's
393:54 away but then I heard about Wally's little vaget and here I am you're
393:57 little vaget and here I am you're gambling with my coin collection Yes
393:59 gambling with my coin collection Yes dear but I'm winning almost a third of
394:02 dear but I'm winning almost a third of the time and and anyway if you're
394:05 the time and and anyway if you're working security I think you've got
394:07 working security I think you've got bigger things to worry about I'll need
394:10 bigger things to worry about I'll need to see some fake ID I don't have any
394:12 to see some fake ID I don't have any fake ID but you plan to get some fake ID
394:15 fake ID but you plan to get some fake ID right give me that this is outrageous I
394:18 right give me that this is outrageous I want you all out of here this
394:19 want you all out of here this [Applause]
394:29 [Music] minute it's not so easy being a security
394:32 minute it's not so easy being a security guard is it
394:35 guard is it you I haven't lost this bet yet the
394:37 you I haven't lost this bet yet the night is young I've got hours to clear
394:39 night is young I've got hours to clear this up my mommy is coming to pick me up
394:42 this up my mommy is coming to pick me up in 30
394:43 in 30 minutes H BS remember the system face
394:47 minutes H BS remember the system face cards are plus one number cards are
394:49 cards are plus one number cards are minus one you're teaching her to count
394:52 minus one you're teaching her to count cards this is so wrong hey a shook look
394:56 cards this is so wrong hey a shook look over there it's a rewarding
394:59 over there it's a rewarding career where I don't see a rewarding
395:01 career where I don't see a rewarding career
395:03 career I'm good a shook look over there it's a
395:06 I'm good a shook look over there it's a woman who respects you despite your low
395:08 woman who respects you despite your low status and Tiny income where I don't see
395:10 status and Tiny income where I don't see a woman who respects me despite my low
395:12 a woman who respects me despite my low status and Tiny
395:13 status and Tiny income I'm good look a shook there's a
395:17 income I'm good look a shook there's a wall behind
395:19 wall behind [Music]
395:20 [Music] you what am I doing wrong you have 25
395:24 you what am I doing wrong you have 25 minutes before the moms get here and
395:26 minutes before the moms get here and you're fired for being an incompetent
395:28 you're fired for being an incompetent security
395:30 security guard I can hardly wait this is is not
395:33 guard I can hardly wait this is is not over my friend I've been in tighter
395:35 over my friend I've been in tighter spots than
395:37 spots than [Music]
395:41 [Music] this H I don't recognize this
395:50 [Music] [Applause]
395:52 [Applause] [Music]
395:59 Corridor are you finished I guess so good now where's the bathroom since when
396:02 good now where's the bathroom since when do zombies need bathrooms when they
396:04 do zombies need bathrooms when they drink 12
396:06 drink 12 [Music]
396:09 [Music] Beers I need an amp and some cable and
396:12 Beers I need an amp and some cable and I'm in
396:13 I'm in [Applause]
396:17 [Applause] [Music]
396:21 [Music] business that should do
396:23 business that should do it 5 minutes to
396:35 spare attention all ille gamblers this is security leave the building
396:43 immediately attention attention leave the building now or else or else what
396:46 the building now or else or else what I'm still figuring that out but you can
396:48 I'm still figuring that out but you can be sure leave very very
396:55 [Music] [Applause]
396:57 [Applause] bad 3 minutes
397:11 [Music] hey oh never
397:13 hey oh never [Music]
397:18 [Music] mind the garlic is my only
397:20 mind the garlic is my only [Music]
397:25 [Music] chance hello
397:27 chance hello ladies how are you how may I help you oh
397:34 ladies how are you how may I help you oh w we had Italian for dinner halt you
397:38 w we had Italian for dinner halt you can't go up there for reasons that are
397:40 can't go up there for reasons that are very very good but can't be succinctly
397:43 very very good but can't be succinctly [Music]
397:47 [Music] [Applause]
397:48 [Applause] [Music]
397:56 explained game's over everyone hit the [Music]
397:58 [Music] [Applause]
398:03 stairs fire [Music]
398:12 it's a serious crime to sit off a false alarm we suspect one of the street
398:14 alarm we suspect one of the street people I can't lie I did it I pulled the
398:18 people I can't lie I did it I pulled the alarm okay you're free to go what I
398:22 alarm okay you're free to go what I thought it was a serious crime you're
398:24 thought it was a serious crime you're part of the Brotherhood Brotherhood what
398:26 part of the Brotherhood Brotherhood what Brotherhood well you got your law
398:28 Brotherhood well you got your law enforcement and your safety Services BS
398:30 enforcement and your safety Services BS prison guards judges Armed Forces
398:32 prison guards judges Armed Forces including the coast good did we let the
398:34 including the coast good did we let the skyc caps in I missed the last meeting
398:36 skyc caps in I missed the last meeting yeah yeah me too did you hear if the
398:37 yeah yeah me too did you hear if the skyc Caps got in just barely the Walmart
398:40 skyc Caps got in just barely the Walmart Greers held out to the last boat how
398:42 Greers held out to the last boat how about engineers can they get
398:57 in I may not have won the bet but at least I didn't lose don't be so sure you
398:59 least I didn't lose don't be so sure you barely succeeded as a security guard but
399:02 barely succeeded as a security guard but the security guard has gotten aob as an
399:03 the security guard has gotten aob as an engineer at a better company he did very
399:06 engineer at a better company he did very well in the personal
399:13 interview what do you think you're doing I could have fallen into that hole well
399:16 I could have fallen into that hole well if it isn't Mr big shot security guard
399:18 if it isn't Mr big shot security guard with his fancy chair and his uniform all
399:20 with his fancy chair and his uniform all clean and sparkly thinks he knows my job
399:22 clean and sparkly thinks he knows my job better than I do how hard is it to put
399:24 better than I do how hard is it to put up some safety cone so people don't fall
399:26 up some safety cone so people don't fall into the open sewer maybe you think you
399:29 into the open sewer maybe you think you could do this job
399:37 this isn't so hard I could do this for one day rat Burt I can't stop I'm doing
399:40 one day rat Burt I can't stop I'm doing laps you call that the backstroke your
399:43 laps you call that the backstroke your arms are all wrong and you're not
399:45 arms are all wrong and you're not kicking right wow Mr big shot sewer
399:48 kicking right wow Mr big shot sewer worker thinks he can be a rat I'd like
399:50 worker thinks he can be a rat I'd like to see you do my job for one
400:01 day maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut
400:03 mouth shut [Music]
400:14 [Music] he
400:16 he [Music]
400:40 they are experts in merger news an alliance has been announced between the
400:41 alliance has been announced between the world's worst oil exploration company
400:44 world's worst oil exploration company and the world's largest funeral company
400:46 and the world's largest funeral company we spoke to the CEO of dry hole
400:48 we spoke to the CEO of dry hole Industries about the Synergy well as you
400:51 Industries about the Synergy well as you know the biggest expenses in the funeral
400:53 know the biggest expenses in the funeral business involve buying the land and
400:55 business involve buying the land and digging the holes well it occurred to me
400:57 digging the holes well it occurred to me that our company owns land that already
400:59 that our company owns land that already has holes in it that's how I plan to
401:01 has holes in it that's how I plan to bury you unless you have't objection as
401:04 bury you unless you have't objection as a matter of fact I do have an objection
401:06 a matter of fact I do have an objection not now you have to object after you're
401:08 not now you have to object after you're dead how can I object to anything after
401:10 dead how can I object to anything after I'm dead I recommend that you come back
401:12 I'm dead I recommend that you come back as a ghost and haunt the house for
401:14 as a ghost and haunt the house for eternity that'll be your signal that
401:16 eternity that'll be your signal that you're unhappy about the situation if I
401:18 you're unhappy about the situation if I haunted this house you'd turn it into a
401:20 haunted this house you'd turn it into a tourist attraction and sell tickets I'd
401:22 tourist attraction and sell tickets I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be
401:24 be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money oh like it's so hard to
401:26 making money oh like it's so hard to haunt the investment banking firm who
401:28 haunt the investment banking firm who arranged the merger received a fee of $1
401:30 arranged the merger received a fee of $1 billion for making a few phone calls and
401:33 billion for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings did you say the
401:35 attending some meetings did you say the investment banking firm that arranged
401:37 investment banking firm that arranged the merger received a fee of $1 billion
401:40 the merger received a fee of $1 billion she can't hear you yes that's exactly
401:42 she can't hear you yes that's exactly what I said wait a minute are you saying
401:46 what I said wait a minute are you saying you can hear what I say through the TV
401:48 you can hear what I say through the TV in other news Tom Kenny leader of the 60
401:51 in other news Tom Kenny leader of the 60 psychedelic band ubiquitous banana was
401:53 psychedelic band ubiquitous banana was found today exactly where he said he
401:56 found today exactly where he said he would be I think I just found my new
401:58 would be I think I just found my new career
402:07 [Laughter] [Music]
402:18 ch [Music]
402:23 [Laughter] [Music]
402:32 [Applause] [Music]
402:35 [Music] down
402:37 down [Music]
402:46 [Music] [Applause]
402:52 [Applause] [Music]
403:11 for reasons that I know longer try to Fathom customers keep buying our
403:14 Fathom customers keep buying our products thank goodness for the
403:16 products thank goodness for the inefficient distribution of consumer
403:18 inefficient distribution of consumer information now we're stuck with2
403:21 information now we're stuck with2 billion in cash and no strategy for
403:24 billion in cash and no strategy for using it does anyone have any ideas how
403:26 using it does anyone have any ideas how about giving raises to the people who
403:28 about giving raises to the people who work so hard to create all that cash
403:30 work so hard to create all that cash that would unfairly discriminate against
403:32 that would unfairly discriminate against those of us who did work hard if we
403:34 those of us who did work hard if we start rewarding lazy people like you the
403:36 start rewarding lazy people like you the whole system will break down oh that
403:38 whole system will break down oh that same argument was used years ago to deny
403:41 same argument was used years ago to deny women the right to vote are you
403:42 women the right to vote are you comparing your laziness to the woman's
403:44 comparing your laziness to the woman's suffrage movement there are many
403:47 suffrage movement there are many similarities name one women weren't
403:49 similarities name one women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote
403:52 allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote in both cases there's taxation without
403:54 in both cases there's taxation without representation that is the dumbest
403:56 representation that is the dumbest argument I've ever heard in my life
403:58 argument I've ever heard in my life bigot
404:00 bigot people does anyone have any idea how to
404:03 people does anyone have any idea how to invest the 20 billion I
404:05 invest the 20 billion I do how about a product that keeps your
404:08 do how about a product that keeps your feelings from vibrating out when you
404:11 feelings from vibrating out when you talk maybe I should hire a consultant to
404:14 talk maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea Consultants don't
404:17 come up with an idea Consultants don't come up with ideas they take the ideas
404:19 come up with ideas they take the ideas you already have and make them more
404:20 you already have and make them more confusing then they give you a huge bill
404:23 confusing then they give you a huge bill a huge bill would solve our excess money
404:25 a huge bill would solve our excess money problem excess money isn't a problem
404:27 problem excess money isn't a problem that money is causing us to be in this
404:29 that money is causing us to be in this meeting what do you call that uh-oh
404:32 meeting what do you call that uh-oh Wally starting to make sense we need to
404:34 Wally starting to make sense we need to get rid of that money fast why don't we
404:37 get rid of that money fast why don't we merge with a company that is less
404:38 merge with a company that is less dysfunctional than we are they could
404:40 dysfunctional than we are they could spend our money for us a merger H that
404:45 spend our money for us a merger H that might get us some
404:51 Synergy I didn't realize that Alice suffers from
404:52 suffers from kotobi I know what that
404:55 kotobi I know what that is no I don't it is the fear of synergy
404:58 is no I don't it is the fear of synergy well she better get over it we ran it up
405:00 well she better get over it we ran it up the flag pole and the ship sailed that's
405:02 the flag pole and the ship sailed that's a mix metaphor yeah so what's so bad
405:05 a mix metaphor yeah so what's so bad about that actually I don't know ah he
405:09 about that actually I don't know ah he who laughs last makes waste well I'm not
405:13 who laughs last makes waste well I'm not afraid of synergy I just think a merger
405:15 afraid of synergy I just think a merger is a bad idea do you have a better idea
405:18 is a bad idea do you have a better idea of course plow the surplus funds into
405:20 of course plow the surplus funds into R&D all right then the merger it
405:31 is my company needs help finding a merger partner I I hope that's the sort
405:34 merger partner I I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do because I
405:36 of thing investment bankers do because I asked at the mailboxes or us place and
405:40 asked at the mailboxes or us place and they just stared at me like I was some
405:41 they just stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot you came to the right
405:43 kind of an idiot you came to the right place my fee is 10% of the value of the
405:46 place my fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company what's your company
405:48 acquired company what's your company worth well we've got 20 billion in cash
405:51 worth well we've got 20 billion in cash and no liabilities unless you count the
405:53 and no liabilities unless you count the employees who we call our most valuable
405:57 employees who we call our most valuable assets 20 billion in Cash Plus the
406:00 assets 20 billion in Cash Plus the employees that comes out to about 15
406:03 employees that comes out to about 15 billion net so your fee would be 10% of
406:07 billion net so your fee would be 10% of 15 billion which
406:10 15 billion which is all one second we carry the three
406:13 is all one second we carry the three Square < TK of Pi $14 billion exactly
406:17 Square < TK of Pi $14 billion exactly can we start right away I'm anxious to
406:19 can we start right away I'm anxious to get some
406:26 Synergy I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of AEM merger I won't go
406:28 the first sign of AEM merger I won't go through Synergy again as usual Alice you
406:31 through Synergy again as usual Alice you are missing out on the opportunity of a
406:33 are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime I plan to implement project
406:35 lifetime I plan to implement project mosquito immediately what is Project
406:38 mosquito immediately what is Project mosquito that is where Wall-E takes
406:40 mosquito that is where Wall-E takes advantage of the management chaos and
406:42 advantage of the management chaos and sucks the stockholders dry much like a
406:44 sucks the stockholders dry much like a giant mosquito that sounds exactly like
406:46 giant mosquito that sounds exactly like project leech the one you've been doing
406:48 project leech the one you've been doing for the past 5 years I can see how that
406:51 for the past 5 years I can see how that would be
406:52 would be confusing the key to a successful merger
406:55 confusing the key to a successful merger is
406:59 synergy let's first discuss what makes this company special then I'll help you
407:02 this company special then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner we're
407:04 find the perfect merger partner we're poorly managed our boss ignores
407:06 poorly managed our boss ignores everything we say management is
407:08 everything we say management is completely deaf to the needs of the
407:09 completely deaf to the needs of the employees I've got a parking space right
407:12 employees I've got a parking space right next to the door it looks like a
407:15 next to the door it looks like a sidewalk but it's
407:23 not losers now let's think what kind of
407:25 losers now let's think what kind of companies would make the best merger
407:27 companies would make the best merger partner with a company full of losers
407:29 partner with a company full of losers perhaps a drug company who needs to test
407:31 perhaps a drug company who needs to test new products on human subjects
407:33 new products on human subjects we would be ideal because the scientists
407:35 we would be ideal because the scientists would not become emotionally attached to
407:43 us good anything else we could merge with a company that runs women's prisons
407:45 with a company that runs women's prisons I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my
407:46 I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle if they'll do my laundry prison
407:49 cubicle if they'll do my laundry prison bimbos we could merge with a company
407:51 bimbos we could merge with a company that makes chickens we sit around all
407:55 that makes chickens we sit around all day anyway might as well be sitting on
407:57 day anyway might as well be sitting on eggs how about an alternative fuel
407:59 eggs how about an alternative fuel company people produce a certain amount
408:01 company people produce a certain amount of methane gas every day just like every
408:04 of methane gas every day just like every other mammal we could be fueling cars
408:06 other mammal we could be fueling cars with that resource how exactly would we
408:08 with that resource how exactly would we be collecting this methane gas all day
408:10 be collecting this methane gas all day long I grant you the hose would be
408:13 long I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first but we get used
408:15 uncomfortable at first but we get used to it this might be harder than I
408:23 thought well if it isn't morak the preventor of Information Services and
408:25 preventor of Information Services and his little buddy Walter the budget man
408:28 his little buddy Walter the budget man Ming you seem unusually upbeat maybe you
408:32 Ming you seem unusually upbeat maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger
408:34 haven't heard of the upcoming merger merger but that would mean yes it's
408:38 merger but that would mean yes it's gloating time for engineers and when the
408:41 gloating time for engineers and when the Synergy gets you I will laugh the laugh
408:43 Synergy gets you I will laugh the laugh of the ep the well whatever it is that
408:47 of the ep the well whatever it is that laughs a lot at others misery without a
408:49 laughs a lot at others misery without a tinge of guilt ohuh maybe your hard
408:51 tinge of guilt ohuh maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza
408:53 drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade I don't need my computer anymore
408:56 upgrade I don't need my computer anymore I'm goofing off until the merger then
408:58 I'm goofing off until the merger then after the Synergy gets you I'll take
409:01 after the Synergy gets you I'll take both of your computers for my own
409:03 both of your computers for my own I will cut your budget so fast your head
409:05 I will cut your budget so fast your head will
409:07 will spin you're powerless no one will listen
409:10 spin you're powerless no one will listen to your budget recommendations now
409:12 to your budget recommendations now managers are all Paralyzed by the merger
409:15 managers are all Paralyzed by the merger rumors
409:18 rumors Synergy this might be the best year of
409:21 Synergy this might be the best year of my life it's time to take a page from
409:24 my life it's time to take a page from female dating techniques also known as
409:26 female dating techniques also known as the old baiton switch where are we going
409:29 the old baiton switch where are we going there's a little bar I know where CEOs
409:31 there's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out it's a real meat market for
409:33 hang out it's a real meat market for mergers I like meat did you know that
409:37 mergers I like meat did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat Bo
409:39 cows are made almost entirely of meat Bo yeah and you can make pudding from the
409:42 yeah and you can make pudding from the Hooves tonight it's best if you don't do
409:44 Hooves tonight it's best if you don't do much talking CEOs like to do business
409:46 much talking CEOs like to do business with people who aren't quite so strong
409:49 with people who aren't quite so strong willed yeah that's it tell me again what
409:52 willed yeah that's it tell me again what I'm supposed to do you're supposed to
409:53 I'm supposed to do you're supposed to act like you work for a competent
409:55 act like you work for a competent company long enough to get a CEO excited
409:57 company long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you what's Dilbert
409:59 about merging with you what's Dilbert going to do I'm wondering that myself
410:02 going to do I'm wondering that myself bilbert will appear to be interested in
410:04 bilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you you'll seem more
410:05 merging with you you'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs if they
410:07 attractive to the other CEOs if they think someone else wants you I suddenly
410:09 think someone else wants you I suddenly feel mildly nauseated is it my cologne
410:13 feel mildly nauseated is it my cologne [Music]
410:35 [Music] I haven't seen you here before take me
410:38 I haven't seen you here before take me dear God merge with me now uh I just
410:42 dear God merge with me now uh I just remembered I I have to merge with
410:44 remembered I I have to merge with someone else tonight I have to go now
410:48 someone else tonight I have to go now nice going thanks was I Charming enough
410:52 nice going thanks was I Charming enough you sounded needy try revealing a little
410:55 you sounded needy try revealing a little less remember bait then switch I
410:58 less remember bait then switch I panicked I felt my financial clock
411:01 panicked I felt my financial clock ticking hey there there what's your
411:04 ticking hey there there what's your ticker symbol it's ow bait then switch
411:10 ticker symbol it's ow bait then switch right I'd rather not say what my ticker
411:13 right I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is can't we just be strategic
411:17 symbol is can't we just be strategic Partners well aren't you the mysterious
411:20 Partners well aren't you the mysterious one I'll bet you're an internet company
411:23 one I'll bet you're an internet company aren't you maybe maybe not you little
411:27 aren't you maybe maybe not you little corporate
411:29 corporate teas I want to merge with you right here
411:32 teas I want to merge with you right here right now I never swap stock on the
411:34 right now I never swap stock on the first meeting and how about your friend
411:37 first meeting and how about your friend huh he looks like he might be into a
411:39 huh he looks like he might be into a little m& I don't know what that means
411:43 little m& I don't know what that means but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd
411:44 but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd never merged before and you were the
411:46 never merged before and you were the last company on Earth who needs to merge
411:48 last company on Earth who needs to merge with you I can crank up my own stock
411:50 with you I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares I've done
411:52 price by repurchasing shares I've done it before and I can do it
411:54 it before and I can do it [Music]
412:01 again what' I do wrong that time yeah sometimes you have to kiss a lot of of
412:02 sometimes you have to kiss a lot of of frogs before you find your prince oh
412:05 frogs before you find your prince oh yeah I know exactly what you
412:13 mean have you ever noticed that when you kiss the frogs their tongues taste like
412:22 flies last call is this one I get desperate you've got two more
412:33 chances yeah don't bother he merges with everyone his price is
412:55 cheap haven't we merged [Music]
413:02 before I'd like you to meet our merer partner the CEO of brain suck Industries
413:06 partner the CEO of brain suck Industries his name
413:08 his name [Music]
413:09 [Music] is did I get that right perfect you
413:12 is did I get that right perfect you might have heard of brain suck
413:14 might have heard of brain suck Industries in the trade press they're a
413:17 Industries in the trade press they're a company that mysteriously only came into
413:20 company that mysteriously only came into existence yesterday but they are taking
413:23 existence yesterday but they are taking the industry by storm aren't they the
413:25 the industry by storm aren't they the ones who merge with companies and then
413:27 ones who merge with companies and then ingest the brains of the acquired
413:28 ingest the brains of the acquired company via their long snoots IE synergy
413:32 company via their long snoots IE synergy where is everyone today what have you
413:34 where is everyone today what have you done with everyone tibert my man chill
413:38 done with everyone tibert my man chill Alice is in a company stress reduction
413:40 Alice is in a company stress reduction program Wally has been back into Human
413:43 program Wally has been back into Human Resources oh yeah what about loud Howard
413:46 Resources oh yeah what about loud Howard he's being stored in a soundproof
413:47 he's being stored in a soundproof container in the closet until after the
413:49 container in the closet until after the merger we don't want to Spook anyone I
413:52 merger we don't want to Spook anyone I hope he has air holes well now that
413:55 hope he has air holes well now that wouldn't be very soundproof what it
414:12 [Music] mouth well then where is everyone else
414:14 mouth well then where is everyone else calm down they were giv the day
414:18 calm down they were giv the day off you'll be given the day off but the
414:22 off you'll be given the day off but the day will never end it will go on
414:33 forever H sorry I missed that I find myself in need of a new troll to
414:36 I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door why don't you hire another
414:38 guard my door why don't you hire another one well I would but they all know about
414:40 one well I would but they all know about our pending merger no one wants to work
414:43 our pending merger no one wants to work in an administrative job those are the
414:45 in an administrative job those are the first ones cut during the uh Synergy
414:48 first ones cut during the uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm an
414:50 phase that's why I'm glad I'm an engineer yes yes you were an engineer
414:54 engineer yes yes you were an engineer what I'm changing your job title to Door
414:56 what I'm changing your job title to Door watching troll effective immediately but
415:00 watching troll effective immediately but then the Synergy will get me well not
415:02 then the Synergy will get me well not just you I'll offer to fire all my staff
415:05 just you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I can keep my own job that sort of
415:08 so I can keep my own job that sort of loyalty is always
415:10 loyalty is always [Music]
415:23 rewarded who wishes to see Mr Cat bur the evil Director of Human Resources
415:25 the evil Director of Human Resources well well well the stories are true I
415:29 well well well the stories are true I might be wrong but I think the job of
415:31 might be wrong but I think the job of door troll is Administrative this is a
415:34 door troll is Administrative this is a highly skilled position troll get the
415:39 highly skilled position troll get the [Music]
415:51 [Music] rig I just have to imagine I'm looking
415:54 rig I just have to imagine I'm looking for gold with a metal
416:01 detector the funny thing is I don't even like my co-workers that much so why do I
416:03 like my co-workers that much so why do I miss them when they're gone I miss you
416:06 miss them when they're gone I miss you when you're gone but you like me I don't
416:08 when you're gone but you like me I don't know where you got that idea you don't
416:11 know where you got that idea you don't like me I have very high standards
416:14 like me I have very high standards that's why I like you I like you too dog
416:17 that's why I like you I like you too dog bird you have to like me you're my
416:18 bird you have to like me you're my mother I don't believe I signed any
416:21 mother I don't believe I signed any contract to that effect unless they slip
416:23 contract to that effect unless they slip me something when I was giving birth
416:25 me something when I was giving birth that'll never stand up in court we
416:27 that'll never stand up in court we tolerate you largely for the
416:29 tolerate you largely for the entertainment value do you remember the
416:31 entertainment value do you remember the time I ironed poison ivy into his
416:34 time I ironed poison ivy into his underpants before his high school
416:36 underpants before his high school [Laughter]
416:43 [Laughter] graduation okay so you don't like me but
416:45 graduation okay so you don't like me but you do love me right yes I do love you
416:49 you do love me right yes I do love you because you're family that's the same
416:51 because you're family that's the same reason you miss your co-workers my
416:54 reason you miss your co-workers my co-workers are not family oh really
416:57 co-workers are not family oh really think about it your boss is like the
416:59 think about it your boss is like the father who left when you were little
417:00 father who left when you were little Alice and Wall-E are like the brother
417:02 Alice and Wall-E are like the brother and sister you never had loud Howard is
417:05 and sister you never had loud Howard is like the annoying Uncle who always
417:06 like the annoying Uncle who always embarrasses you and asuk the intern is
417:09 embarrasses you and asuk the intern is like your own son that is the most
417:12 like your own son that is the most appalling Theory I have ever heard I'm
417:14 appalling Theory I have ever heard I'm going
417:23 home uh hello you could say that since when do garbage men make house calls
417:25 when do garbage men make house calls since always you just have to ask I'd be
417:28 since always you just have to ask I'd be afraid to leave my door unlocked all day
417:30 afraid to leave my door unlocked all day I have a master key to every house I use
417:33 I have a master key to every house I use my house key all the locks in this town
417:35 my house key all the locks in this town are the same but don't spread it around
417:38 are the same but don't spread it around I
417:39 I won't can I ask you a question you mean
417:42 won't can I ask you a question you mean can I ask you two questions fine is it
417:45 can I ask you two questions fine is it possible that my co-workers are like
417:47 possible that my co-workers are like some sort of bizarre dysfunctional
417:50 some sort of bizarre dysfunctional family to me it's not just possible it's
417:52 family to me it's not just possible it's mandatory mandatory the brain is wired
417:55 mandatory mandatory the brain is wired that way your mind organizes the people
417:58 that way your mind organizes the people around you into family roles like it or
418:00 around you into family roles like it or not they are your family this merger is
418:03 not they are your family this merger is breaking up my family unless you stop
418:06 breaking up my family unless you stop it you replace the plastic bags not
418:09 it you replace the plastic bags not usually today is bag
418:19 day who wishes to see Mr catbert the evil Director of Human Resources Wally
418:22 evil Director of Human Resources Wally it's me Dilbert your brother I mean I
418:25 it's me Dilbert your brother I mean I mean your coworker I have no co-workers
418:27 mean your coworker I have no co-workers I'm just a door guarding troll after the
418:30 I'm just a door guarding troll after the mercher I'll be an un employed guy whose
418:33 mercher I'll be an un employed guy whose last job was a door guarding troll hang
418:36 last job was a door guarding troll hang in there Wally I'm going to stop this
418:37 in there Wally I'm going to stop this merger how the truth will set us
418:42 merger how the truth will set us free these cubicles are our marketing
418:44 free these cubicles are our marketing department if these people don't scare
418:46 department if these people don't scare you into canceling the merger nothing
418:48 you into canceling the merger nothing will hey there dilman who's your
418:57 friend that is quite a handshake you got there big guy well I'll see you back at
418:59 there big guy well I'll see you back at the ranch
419:03 the ranch what the hell did you do to him we'll
419:05 what the hell did you do to him we'll never complete this merger if you kill
419:08 never complete this merger if you kill the
419:09 the CEO this is what wrecked the Roswell
419:11 CEO this is what wrecked the Roswell merger all I did was take him to
419:13 merger all I did was take him to marketing he stuck his snout in some
419:15 marketing he stuck his snout in some people's ears and now he's acting like
419:17 people's ears and now he's acting like this take him back to his office quick
419:19 this take him back to his office quick we don't want him dying over here and
419:20 we don't want him dying over here and ruining our safety record
419:41 [Music] [Applause]
420:05 let's get the staff meeting going first an update Dilbert killed the CEO of the
420:08 an update Dilbert killed the CEO of the only company willing to acquire us so
420:10 only company willing to acquire us so the merger is off I'm the one who told
420:12 the merger is off I'm the one who told you that settle down we're trying to
420:15 you that settle down we're trying to have a meeting here I'm the only person
420:17 have a meeting here I'm the only person here who isn't engulfed in someone
420:19 here who isn't engulfed in someone else's mouth or unconscious and you're
420:21 else's mouth or unconscious and you're giving me updates that I gave you 10
420:23 giving me updates that I gave you 10 minutes ago no side conversations during
420:26 minutes ago no side conversations during the meeting
420:28 the meeting please item two Wally is being
420:31 please item two Wally is being transferred back to engineering w-e
420:34 transferred back to engineering w-e you're back give me five go sorry item
420:39 you're back give me five go sorry item three Alice has decided to stay in her
420:42 three Alice has decided to stay in her job look what happens when I don't show
420:45 job look what happens when I don't show up for one
420:53 day I feel like we're one big dysfunctional family again what anyone
420:56 dysfunctional family again what anyone like to hug
421:02 [Music] Oh you mean each other no thank you does
421:05 Oh you mean each other no thank you does anyone have any new business to discuss
421:08 anyone have any new business to discuss I do you know I was thinking about it
421:11 I do you know I was thinking about it and although the merger idea didn't work
421:13 and although the merger idea didn't work out it's not a bad idea in
421:15 out it's not a bad idea in concept maybe we should give it one more
421:18 concept maybe we should give it one more try
421:25 and I'm sorry the merger got called off I guess you lost your $4 billion
421:27 I guess you lost your $4 billion Investment Banking fee you guess wrong I
421:30 Investment Banking fee you guess wrong I rushed the paperwork through as soon as
421:32 rushed the paperwork through as soon as I heard you were with their CEO on tour
421:34 I heard you were with their CEO on tour what are you going to do with $14
421:35 what are you going to do with $14 billion I'm investing it in a foreign
421:58 concern greetings citizens of Orlan 6 we bring you synergy
422:14 [Music] he
422:16 he [Music]
422:42 dear uncle or Aunt sbert my name is petronic FL dominates I thank you so
422:45 petronic FL dominates I thank you so much for being my foster parent life in
422:47 much for being my foster parent life in alonia has become so much better since
422:50 alonia has become so much better since you began sending your 87 cents a week I
422:54 you began sending your 87 cents a week I now have a shoe and my vision has
422:58 now have a shoe and my vision has returned to look upon the beautiful mud
423:01 returned to look upon the beautiful mud of my home land hopefully one day you
423:03 of my home land hopefully one day you can visit me when the cheze one flood
423:06 can visit me when the cheze one flood famine volcanic eruptions plague or War
423:10 famine volcanic eruptions plague or War has/ have ended love
423:15 has/ have ended love Petr Petr your food problem may be over
423:18 Petr Petr your food problem may be over sooner than you
423:32 think I'll start with a cup of coffee you're going to have to make your own
423:33 you're going to have to make your own breakfast today I'm busy inventing a
423:36 breakfast today I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant that could end world
423:38 hybrid food plant that could end world hunger forever mhm that's fascinating
423:41 hunger forever mhm that's fascinating I'll have two fried strips of the new
423:43 I'll have two fried strips of the new thing with hash browns and
423:46 thing with hash browns and coffee do you think banging your mug is
423:48 coffee do you think banging your mug is going to
423:49 going to work this is not a
424:00 diner okay go back to becoming famous with your new food inent ition I'm not
424:02 with your new food inent ition I'm not doing this to become famous though I
424:04 doing this to become famous though I admit that may be an unavoidable
424:06 admit that may be an unavoidable consequence of coming up with the
424:07 consequence of coming up with the greatest Improvement in food production
424:09 greatest Improvement in food production since Squanto Santo he showed the
424:12 since Squanto Santo he showed the pilgrims that if you put a fish in the
424:14 pilgrims that if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds it
424:16 ground with your corn seeds it fertilizes the
424:17 fertilizes the plant how do you know Squanto wasn't
424:19 plant how do you know Squanto wasn't trying to grow a fish tree maybe he was
424:22 trying to grow a fish tree maybe he was too lazy to dig his own
424:24 too lazy to dig his own hole dogbert what I'm working on here
424:27 hole dogbert what I'm working on here may once and for all put the lie to the
424:29 may once and for all put the lie to the malthusian imperative and Save Humanity
424:32 malthusian imperative and Save Humanity from the Grim Prospect of a foodless
424:34 from the Grim Prospect of a foodless future put the what to who and save who
424:36 future put the what to who and save who from what what I've come up with is a
424:38 from what what I've come up with is a nutritious High bread that will feed
424:40 nutritious High bread that will feed millions of people for pennies a day do
424:42 millions of people for pennies a day do you want to see it only if it goes good
424:44 you want to see it only if it goes good with jelly I inserted the DNA from a
424:47 with jelly I inserted the DNA from a prize-winning Norwegian cow into the
424:50 prize-winning Norwegian cow into the nucleus of a tomato seed then I made it
424:52 nucleus of a tomato seed then I made it rectangular so you can stack them more
424:54 rectangular so you can stack them more efficiently part meat par tomato I call
424:57 efficiently part meat par tomato I call it the tomato
425:05 do you want to be the first to eat it yeah that depends on the Alternatives is
425:07 yeah that depends on the Alternatives is it too late to dig up Santo's
425:10 it too late to dig up Santo's fish maybe we should test it on someone
425:12 fish maybe we should test it on someone Expendable first rat bird
425:34 we thought you should eat first for once oh now this is more like it you're
425:36 oh now this is more like it you're finally treating me like a member of the
425:37 finally treating me like a member of the family
426:09 [Music] [Applause]
426:10 [Applause] [Music]
426:11 [Music] [Applause]
426:27 [Music] [Applause]
426:28 [Applause] [Music]
426:32 [Music] [Applause]
426:32 [Applause] [Music]
426:50 comments people this is perhaps the most
426:52 people this is perhaps the most revolting food item I have ever
426:54 revolting food item I have ever encountered it actually frightens me
426:57 encountered it actually frightens me it's so unappealing on so many levels
426:59 it's so unappealing on so many levels it's hard to know what to criticize
427:01 it's hard to know what to criticize first it's like Wall-E except small
427:03 first it's like Wall-E except small enough to flush down the toilet thank
427:05 enough to flush down the toilet thank God for my oversized head I think it's
427:07 God for my oversized head I think it's creepy Is it
427:09 creepy Is it alive if you tried to put this thing on
427:11 alive if you tried to put this thing on the market you'd be out of business in a
427:13 the market you'd be out of business in a week now that is
427:21 definitely not what we're looking for wait a minute you're going to dismiss
427:23 wait a minute you're going to dismiss the Tomo because it's unattractive sound
427:26 the Tomo because it's unattractive sound reasoning for my Purge dby but it's a
427:28 reasoning for my Purge dby but it's a perfect food source for third world
427:30 perfect food source for third world countries it contains all the vitamins
427:32 countries it contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary to sustain an
427:34 and minerals necessary to sustain an adult it grows anywhere it doesn't need
427:37 adult it grows anywhere it doesn't need Refrigeration two words dby ugly what
427:40 Refrigeration two words dby ugly what does that have to do with anything I
427:42 does that have to do with anything I know for a fact that there's a market
427:44 know for a fact that there's a market for this no offense dill weed but what
427:46 for this no offense dill weed but what you Engineers know about marketing could
427:48 you Engineers know about marketing could fit inside the very small opening on a
427:50 fit inside the very small opening on a very small thing well put what about
427:53 very small thing well put what about elbonia there's a famine in elbonia
427:56 elbonia there's a famine in elbonia until CNN has a name for it like famine
427:59 until CNN has a name for it like famine in alonia it's not really happening who
428:01 in alonia it's not really happening who are we to impose our way of life upon
428:03 are we to impose our way of life upon another culture I'm pretty sure that
428:05 another culture I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat suppose we
428:08 every culture likes to eat suppose we discovered an entire nation of
428:09 discovered an entire nation of supermodels what then that is the
428:12 supermodels what then that is the dumbest hypothetical question I have
428:14 dumbest hypothetical question I have ever heard people always say that when
428:16 ever heard people always say that when I'm winning the argument if I could
428:18 I'm winning the argument if I could interrupt here and I know I can I'm
428:20 interrupt here and I know I can I'm hearing some good news here for the old
428:22 hearing some good news here for the old torpedo toito whoa easy Norbert now this
428:26 torpedo toito whoa easy Norbert now this alonia it's not in America right your
428:29 alonia it's not in America right your guess is as good as mine possibly better
428:32 guess is as good as mine possibly better because I try to make all my guesses
428:35 because I try to make all my guesses rhyme anyway we could grow these crap
428:37 rhyme anyway we could grow these crap berries in elbonia then bring them back
428:40 berries in elbonia then bring them back as an exotic Import Specialty food you
428:42 as an exotic Import Specialty food you know the kind you give to other people
428:44 know the kind you give to other people when you can't think of a real
428:46 when you can't think of a real gift huh a basket of Norwegian sour
428:55 mates I don't see why I have to go down to accounting to increase the travel
428:57 to accounting to increase the travel budget just for a trip to elbonia I know
429:01 budget just for a trip to elbonia I know it seems like a form of arbitrary
429:04 it seems like a form of arbitrary punishment but but what
429:44 uh who do I speak to about increasing my travel budget travel budget travel
429:47 travel budget travel budget travel budget who do you think you are I think
429:49 budget who do you think you are I think I'm someone traveling to elbonia on
429:51 I'm someone traveling to elbonia on business do you have any proof proof
429:55 business do you have any proof proof since when do we need proof to do our
429:57 since when do we need proof to do our jobs do you think we just give out money
430:00 jobs do you think we just give out money to anyone who asked for it do I look
430:03 to anyone who asked for it do I look like Santa Claus to you no you look like
430:06 like Santa Claus to you no you look like some sort of hideous creature thank you
430:08 some sort of hideous creature thank you because that's the look I'm going for
430:11 because that's the look I'm going for what if I just go on the trip and then
430:12 what if I just go on the trip and then submit carefully documented receipts
430:14 submit carefully documented receipts when I return and what if you never
430:17 when I return and what if you never return I'll leave explicit instructions
430:20 return I'll leave explicit instructions for the executor of my will to file my
430:23 for the executor of my will to file my receipts very
430:32 well sign here [Music]
430:39 I approve your request to use your personal airline miles to pay for this
430:42 personal airline miles to pay for this trip what you really should read the
430:44 trip what you really should read the fine
430:51 print it's nice having visitors [Music]
431:05 so where's all the famine let's ask excuse me can you direct us to the
431:07 ask excuse me can you direct us to the famine stricken parts of
431:09 famine stricken parts of elonia what is fam the food shortages
431:13 elonia what is fam the food shortages the hunger crisis I don't know what
431:15 the hunger crisis I don't know what you're talking about we have no hunger
431:17 you're talking about we have no hunger here I myself ate four meals already
431:20 here I myself ate four meals already today yes of mud have you tasted it no
431:25 today yes of mud have you tasted it no thanks hey chocolate not just chocolate
431:28 thanks hey chocolate not just chocolate nutritious nonfattening and obviously
431:31 nutritious nonfattening and obviously abandoned maybe this was a mistake
431:34 abandoned maybe this was a mistake they're eating mud w-e mud obviously
431:37 they're eating mud w-e mud obviously they're in denial um can you tell me
431:39 they're in denial um can you tell me where this picture was taken yes that is
431:43 where this picture was taken yes that is petrunic blast Domin the richest man in
431:45 petrunic blast Domin the richest man in elbonia his Mansion is one mile in that
431:48 elbonia his Mansion is one mile in that direction I think you're confused this
431:50 direction I think you're confused this is my foster child I send him 87 cents a
431:55 is my foster child I send him 87 cents a week yeah you and about a billion other
431:58 week yeah you and about a billion other people
432:05 isn't that a sight Wally the muddy Plains of elbonia being transformed into
432:07 Plains of elbonia being transformed into vibrant fields of Tomos yeah great uh
432:11 vibrant fields of Tomos yeah great uh can we go back to the hotel I don't feel
432:13 can we go back to the hotel I don't feel like I'm on a business trip until I poet
432:15 like I'm on a business trip until I poet the little
432:22 shampoos hey check it out it's a cornucopia salads soups meat fish
432:25 cornucopia salads soups meat fish poultry look at the footnote it says all
432:28 poultry look at the footnote it says all food is made out of elboni in mud I'm
432:31 food is made out of elboni in mud I'm not a fussy eater like you and in a late
432:33 not a fussy eater like you and in a late breaking story another 5,000 ethnic
432:36 breaking story another 5,000 ethnic elbonian decided to leave the country
432:38 elbonian decided to leave the country today since there is no difference
432:40 today since there is no difference between ethnic and non-ethnic elbonian
432:43 between ethnic and non-ethnic elbonian we have no idea why what else is on
432:46 we have no idea why what else is on let's see and welcome back to elbonian
432:49 let's see and welcome back to elbonian Monday Night Football here's the opening
432:57 [Applause] kickoff and that's the game final score
433:00 kickoff and that's the game final score elbonian mman zero elbonian chicken
433:03 elbonian mman zero elbonian chicken hawks zero that was exciting I had money
433:07 hawks zero that was exciting I had money on that
433:08 on that game coming up next elonian Baywatch
433:11 game coming up next elonian Baywatch Gilbert would you mind leaving for a
433:13 Gilbert would you mind leaving for a little while I have trouble watching
433:14 little while I have trouble watching Baywatch with someone else in the
433:16 Baywatch with someone else in the [Applause]
433:18 [Applause] room did you hear that yeah you really
433:21 room did you hear that yeah you really ought to stretch
433:23 ought to stretch more wow that was fast
433:26 more wow that was fast [Music]
433:48 experts are holding the Tomo responsible for plunging elbonia into the worst
433:50 for plunging elbonia into the worst famine ever it's the Tomo's fault it's a
433:53 famine ever it's the Tomo's fault it's a freak of nature meat and fruit who ever
433:56 freak of nature meat and fruit who ever heard of such a thing it has sucked all
433:58 heard of such a thing it has sucked all the nutritional value out of our
434:00 the nutritional value out of our delicious elbonian mud now it tastes
434:03 delicious elbonian mud now it tastes like
434:04 like mud it's inedible it smells bad although
434:09 mud it's inedible it smells bad although I do admit it Stacks nicely The elbonian
434:11 I do admit it Stacks nicely The elbonian Exodus has begun as hungry elbonian seek
434:14 Exodus has begun as hungry elbonian seek refuge in neighboring countries while
434:17 refuge in neighboring countries while starving elbonian Who Remain are
434:19 starving elbonian Who Remain are resorting to Desperate
434:28 Measures this is the most delicious Hotel I've ever eaten
434:31 Hotel I've ever eaten [Music]
434:33 [Music] [Applause]
434:35 [Applause] we've got to find poor little petrunic
434:37 we've got to find poor little petrunic he must be so frightened and
434:39 he must be so frightened and helpless do you know where this picture
434:41 helpless do you know where this picture was
434:43 was taken
434:53 [Music] purists I love you
435:07 do you love me too yeah you got 5 minutes what do you
435:10 too yeah you got 5 minutes what do you want first of all you lied to me I
435:13 want first of all you lied to me I thought you were a starving child not an
435:15 thought you were a starving child not an elbonian fat cat although I must admit
435:18 elbonian fat cat although I must admit you've done an excellent job investing
435:20 you've done an excellent job investing my 87 cents per week thank you second I
435:23 my 87 cents per week thank you second I came here to help elbonia with the
435:25 came here to help elbonia with the Advent of the Tomato crop but it hasn't
435:28 Advent of the Tomato crop but it hasn't worked out that way instead of
435:29 worked out that way instead of stabilizing and stable country I've
435:32 stabilizing and stable country I've destabilized a stable one so like just
435:36 destabilized a stable one so like just the opposite yes so what do you want me
435:39 the opposite yes so what do you want me to do about it besides laugh huh well
435:42 to do about it besides laugh huh well admittedly the Tomato tastes like wet
435:44 admittedly the Tomato tastes like wet suede but it looks good and stacks well
435:48 suede but it looks good and stacks well so well as a food product it's a total
435:50 so well as a food product it's a total loser but think about it the Tomo would
435:52 loser but think about it the Tomo would make a great lightweight Building
435:55 make a great lightweight Building Material you could rebuild the
435:57 Material you could rebuild the infrastructure create employment
435:58 infrastructure create employment encourage trade and jump start the the
436:01 encourage trade and jump start the the economy but the Tomato isn't a building
436:04 economy but the Tomato isn't a building material let me taste
436:13 it it is now how much is this going to cost me you can underwrite the entire
436:16 cost me you can underwrite the entire reconstruction for a buck
436:18 reconstruction for a buck 35 so then I convinced petrunic that the
436:21 35 so then I convinced petrunic that the Tomato could be profitable as a building
436:23 Tomato could be profitable as a building material good work Wally when you get
436:26 material good work Wally when you get back remind me which one you are you got
436:28 back remind me which one you are you got it and remind me why you went over there
436:31 it and remind me why you went over there and what you did I will and while you're
436:33 and what you did I will and while you're at it maybe you can tell me who the hell
436:35 at it maybe you can tell me who the hell I am I'll see what I can do oh will I
436:38 I am I'll see what I can do oh will I get some sort of non-monetary award I'll
436:41 get some sort of non-monetary award I'll see what we have in the lost and
436:50 found you owe me big [Music]
436:54 [Music] time gee I wonder if these tomoes have
436:57 time gee I wonder if these tomoes have been kept in a temperature controlled
436:59 been kept in a temperature controlled Warehouse why
437:01 Warehouse why have you ever seen what happens to a
437:02 have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun those tomes are
437:05 dead camel in the sun those tomes are now half rancid meat and there's always
437:07 now half rancid meat and there's always the issue of the inherent fertilizer
437:09 the issue of the inherent fertilizer that I added what are you
437:19 saying it gives me great pleasure nothing disgusting or obscene in any way
437:22 nothing disgusting or obscene in any way but great pleasure nonetheless to
437:24 but great pleasure nonetheless to present Wally with this nonmonetary
437:28 present Wally with this nonmonetary award don't put it on w-e remember
437:30 award don't put it on w-e remember remember if the glove fits you must
437:34 remember if the glove fits you must quit am I the only one here who sees the
437:37 quit am I the only one here who sees the logic of that I'm not going to wear it
437:40 logic of that I'm not going to wear it aook I'm putting it in my awards trophy
437:42 aook I'm putting it in my awards trophy case with the tube sock and the oh I
437:45 case with the tube sock and the oh I guess it's just the two things it is my
437:48 guess it's just the two things it is my dream that someday I will win something
437:50 dream that someday I will win something from the lost and found box I've got my
437:53 from the lost and found box I've got my eye on a little black comb calm down
437:56 eye on a little black comb calm down everyone there are enough non-monetary
437:58 everyone there are enough non-monetary incentives for all of you
438:17 glove you think this is too ostentatious I mean it's a lot for one person it's
438:20 I mean it's a lot for one person it's fine look we have to do something about
438:22 fine look we have to do something about elbonia I don't know if I win another
438:25 elbonia I don't know if I win another award I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to
438:27 award I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to relate to the little people Wally I
438:29 relate to the little people Wally I uh-oh it's happening already I can't
438:32 uh-oh it's happening already I can't relate to
438:34 relate to you in the news elbonian strongman
438:37 you in the news elbonian strongman petrunic FL dominat has successfully
438:39 petrunic FL dominat has successfully used the threat of deploying longrange
438:41 used the threat of deploying longrange Tomo based weapons including the Tomo
438:43 Tomo based weapons including the Tomo bomb to extort neighboring countries
438:46 bomb to extort neighboring countries Just for kicks managing to jumpstart the
438:49 Just for kicks managing to jumpstart the once robust economy of nent superpower
438:52 once robust economy of nent superpower elbonia uh-oh didn't you win the Nobel
438:55 elbonia uh-oh didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one Oppenheimer no I
438:58 glove for that one Oppenheimer no I didn't nice job it's not a exactly what
439:01 didn't nice job it's not a exactly what I had in mind oh yes it is you wanted to
439:04 I had in mind oh yes it is you wanted to end Hunger in elbonia with tomito now
439:07 end Hunger in elbonia with tomito now that they're being used as Weapons you
439:08 that they're being used as Weapons you will congratulations I think you're a
439:11 will congratulations I think you're a strong candidate for the Congressional
439:12 strong candidate for the Congressional used handkerchief of Honor if we could
439:14 used handkerchief of Honor if we could only get them to eat the Tomo rather
439:16 only get them to eat the Tomo rather than use it as a weapon you are a
439:24 dreamer people of elbonia we must cease using the Tomo as a
439:28 using the Tomo as a weapon perhaps you misunderstood me I
439:30 weapon perhaps you misunderstood me I said the tomito was not designed and
439:33 said the tomito was not designed and should not be used as a weapon did you
439:35 should not be used as a weapon did you say the Tomo should not be used as a
439:38 say the Tomo should not be used as a weapon
439:40 weapon yes I think we need
439:43 yes I think we need backup drop the Dil Mom repeat drop the
439:47 backup drop the Dil Mom repeat drop the Dil mom
439:50 Dil mom [Music]
440:03 what can my mom do uh who has the longest track record in the world for
440:05 longest track record in the world for making people eat things that taste like
440:07 making people eat things that taste like crap good thinking it's time for cooking
440:10 crap good thinking it's time for cooking with Dilma here's your host Dilma today
440:14 with Dilma here's your host Dilma today we will prepare the succulent tomato I
440:17 we will prepare the succulent tomato I know I know it tastes like crap but hear
440:19 know I know it tastes like crap but hear me out a common error people make in the
440:22 me out a common error people make in the preparation of the tomato is in treating
440:24 preparation of the tomato is in treating it like a vegetable instead of what it
440:26 it like a vegetable instead of what it is half meat half tomato which
440:28 is half meat half tomato which incidentally is a fruit not a vegetable
440:31 incidentally is a fruit not a vegetable as with any meat you have to thoroughly
440:33 as with any meat you have to thoroughly disguise it before anyone will want to
440:35 disguise it before anyone will want to eat it first you slice it then you burn
440:38 eat it first you slice it then you burn it over a fire until you can't tell what
440:40 it over a fire until you can't tell what it was originally what about the taste
440:42 it was originally what about the taste The Taste comes from the seasonings does
440:45 The Taste comes from the seasonings does anyone have ketchup
441:05 [Music] it is delicious it tastes like ketchup
441:08 it is delicious it tastes like ketchup this is very impressive but our alboni
441:10 this is very impressive but our alboni and mud hasn't been the same since
441:12 and mud hasn't been the same since Dilbert rendered it inedible with his
441:14 Dilbert rendered it inedible with his agricultural bondle that wouldn't be the
441:16 agricultural bondle that wouldn't be the first time does anyone have any vanilla
441:18 first time does anyone have any vanilla bean extract
441:45 it it is delicious let us lay down our Tomatoes of mass destruction and lift up
441:48 Tomatoes of mass destruction and lift up our Tomatoes of peace and plenty and
441:50 our Tomatoes of peace and plenty and return ourselves to the backward and
441:52 return ourselves to the backward and inconsequential country we once
441:56 inconsequential country we once [Applause]
441:58 [Applause] were it worked
442:01 were it worked yes I suppose you're off the hook
442:03 yes I suppose you're off the hook instead of being known as the father of
442:04 instead of being known as the father of the tomito bomb you'll return to your
442:07 the tomito bomb you'll return to your former status as an anonymous cubicle
442:09 former status as an anonymous cubicle dweller I'll take
442:11 dweller I'll take it she still has the magic I remember
442:14 it she still has the magic I remember one time she convinced me to eat a whole
442:17 one time she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-Doh that wasn't her that was
442:19 can of Play-Doh that wasn't her that was me no I remember distinctly she called
442:22 me no I remember distinctly she called from the pay phone and said dinner would
442:24 from the pay phone and said dinner would be late so I should start in on the
442:26 be late so I should start in on the Play-Doh did it sound like this dillbert
442:30 Play-Doh did it sound like this dillbert I'll be home late why don't you see how
442:32 I'll be home late why don't you see how much Play-Doh you can
442:42 eat as luck would have it we found another glove to give out as a
442:44 another glove to give out as a non-monetary award this one goes to loud
442:50 non-monetary award this one goes to loud Howard oh yes that glove will go
442:53 Howard oh yes that glove will go perfectly with my
442:55 perfectly with my other
442:56 other oh and last but not least yet far from
443:01 oh and last but not least yet far from most somewhere in the lower middle range
443:03 most somewhere in the lower middle range we have for Dilbert a lovely baggie that
443:07 we have for Dilbert a lovely baggie that once held a
443:14 sandwich thank you you know it's funny on the inside of
443:18 you you know it's funny on the inside of my trophy case a sock and a glove while
443:20 my trophy case a sock and a glove while on the outside this rag destined to
443:23 on the outside this rag destined to clean the dust from the other objects
443:25 clean the dust from the other objects huh there's such a fine line between
443:27 huh there's such a fine line between dust rag and valuable trophy at least at
443:30 dust rag and valuable trophy at least at least my award wasn't on someone's
443:32 least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot are you saying your one
443:34 smelly foot are you saying your one non-monetary award is better than my two
443:37 non-monetary award is better than my two non-monetary awards no I'm not saying
443:39 non-monetary awards no I'm not saying that good I'm saying it's better than
443:42 that good I'm saying it's better than the
443:44 the sock you take that
443:50 back those non-monetary incentives really get their energy up I must
443:53 really get their energy up I must remember to get one of myself this came
443:55 remember to get one of myself this came for you
443:58 for you [Music]
444:04 [Music] W I love you
445:15 Dilbert so good to see you you simply must disturb us more
445:18 must disturb us more often actually I'm trying to sleep which
445:20 often actually I'm trying to sleep which is what normal people do at 3:00 in the
445:22 is what normal people do at 3:00 in the morning normal people oh how Dreadful
445:26 morning normal people oh how Dreadful which brings me to my point your wind
445:28 which brings me to my point your wind chimes are making so much noise I can't
445:30 chimes are making so much noise I can't go to sleep ah we got those on a trip to
445:33 go to sleep ah we got those on a trip to the Congo it was the Canary Islands dear
445:36 the Congo it was the Canary Islands dear well I didn't see any canaries but they
445:38 well I didn't see any canaries but they could have been hiding they'll do
445:41 could have been hiding they'll do that it doesn't matter where you got
445:43 that it doesn't matter where you got them can you please keep the noise down
445:45 them can you please keep the noise down well it's not us dear it's the wind you
445:48 well it's not us dear it's the wind you can't own the wind son I learned that in
445:51 can't own the wind son I learned that in the aie outback look I'm begging you all
445:54 the aie outback look I'm begging you all day long I have to listen to my
445:56 day long I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss my yammering
445:58 pointy-haired boss my yammering co-workers the traffic the phone ringing
446:00 co-workers the traffic the phone ringing and my computer beeping at me but
446:03 and my computer beeping at me but knowing I can return to the quiet of my
446:05 knowing I can return to the quiet of my home that little bit of comfort allows
446:07 home that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity it's my
446:10 me to cling to my sanity it's my Fortress of Solitude I thought only
446:12 Fortress of Solitude I thought only Superman had a Fortress of Solitude are
446:15 Superman had a Fortress of Solitude are you comparing yourself to Superman
446:17 you comparing yourself to Superman rather cheeky I should think please the
446:19 rather cheeky I should think please the Windchimes would you take them down yes
446:22 Windchimes would you take them down yes yes we'll take care of it we always
446:24 yes we'll take care of it we always comply with our neighbors especially the
446:27 comply with our neighbors especially the ones who have superpowers
446:33 did you see thank you
447:09 what is it now is the Moonlight bouncing off our house and hurting you in some
447:11 off our house and hurting you in some way you're playing conga drums and
447:13 way you're playing conga drums and singing at 3:15 in the morning it seems
447:17 singing at 3:15 in the morning it seems the list of things you don't like is
447:19 the list of things you don't like is growing by the minute please could you
447:21 growing by the minute please could you keep the noise down for three more hours
447:23 keep the noise down for three more hours that's all I
447:29 ask look ly it's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe
447:30 in Zimbabwe I thought it would never
447:36 [Music] come well that means he's got to
447:46 go hey hey get him away from my lawn stop it shoot he is a nervous fellow yes
447:51 stop it shoot he is a nervous fellow yes he should try to get more sleep oh
448:24 [Applause] [Music]
448:25 [Music] [Applause]
448:27 [Applause] [Music]
448:30 [Music] [ __ ]
448:31 [ __ ] [Music]
448:41 [Music] [Applause]
448:43 [Applause] [Music]
449:04 what does the tree lovers Society expect from its lawsuit big companies have been
449:06 from its lawsuit big companies have been hurting our trees for too long we want
449:09 hurting our trees for too long we want to show the world that trees have
449:11 to show the world that trees have feelings to are you a nut if so what
449:15 feelings to are you a nut if so what kind are you I am not a nut I am a man
449:19 kind are you I am not a nut I am a man who loves trees I love them in every way
449:22 who loves trees I love them in every way a man can love W would you mind
449:25 a man can love W would you mind handcuffing yourself to a tree when my
449:26 handcuffing yourself to a tree when my photographer gets here that's original
449:30 photographer gets here that's original there is nothing wrong with the classics
449:32 there is nothing wrong with the classics what have you got I interviewed an owl
449:35 what have you got I interviewed an owl people wo little more attention up here
449:38 people wo little more attention up here please what matters is that the big
449:41 please what matters is that the big corporations who hurt our trees Must Be
449:44 corporations who hurt our trees Must Be Stopped long L the trees that's the man
449:48 Stopped long L the trees that's the man who's suing us Elmer Oakley the
449:51 who's suing us Elmer Oakley the president of the tree lovers Society why
449:53 president of the tree lovers Society why is he mad at us we don't harm any trees
449:56 is he mad at us we don't harm any trees actually we do thanks to Alice it wasn't
449:59 actually we do thanks to Alice it wasn't my fault will'll be the judge of that it
450:02 my fault will'll be the judge of that it all started with benchmarking
450:04 all started with benchmarking benchmarking is that even a word
450:06 benchmarking is that even a word benchmarking is when you study
450:08 benchmarking is when you study world-class companies to learn the
450:09 world-class companies to learn the processes that make them successful then
450:12 processes that make them successful then you try to duplicate those processes
450:13 you try to duplicate those processes using less intelligent employees so you
450:16 using less intelligent employees so you try to blatantly copy another company's
450:18 try to blatantly copy another company's success knowing fully that you can't do
450:20 success knowing fully that you can't do it as well he's a tech isn't he in this
450:23 it as well he's a tech isn't he in this case I studied a company that makes
450:25 case I studied a company that makes Paper I found out they have great
450:26 Paper I found out they have great training programs fully automated
450:28 training programs fully automated systems and Excellent Man agement and
450:31 systems and Excellent Man agement and they completely raped the forest don't
450:34 they completely raped the forest don't forget that just laid waste to it so
450:37 forget that just laid waste to it so naturally we had to completely rape a
450:39 naturally we had to completely rape a farest too apparently this damn tree
450:42 farest too apparently this damn tree lover Society was somehow offended only
450:45 lover Society was somehow offended only another 10 hours and I'll be home
450:48 another 10 hours and I'll be home Delbert Delbert yes that's better for a
450:51 Delbert Delbert yes that's better for a moment it looked like you weren't
450:52 moment it looked like you weren't suffering what shall we do about the
450:54 suffering what shall we do about the tree lover Society why don't we have a
450:57 tree lover Society why don't we have a meeting I think this is a meeting loud
451:00 meeting I think this is a meeting loud Howard is on to something I'm not on
451:03 Howard is on to something I'm not on anything I'm always like this I mean
451:05 anything I'm always like this I mean your idea to have an off-site meeting
451:08 your idea to have an off-site meeting and invite the tree lover Society to
451:09 and invite the tree lover Society to work out a compromise he didn't say that
451:12 work out a compromise he didn't say that it was
451:13 it was implied Qui I'm trying to think
451:36 oh that won't work well use Dilbert's house why my house because it's the
451:39 house why my house because it's the nearest one to my house without actually
451:42 nearest one to my house without actually being my house we can Trash your place
451:45 being my house we can Trash your place until rush hour and I'll still be home
451:47 until rush hour and I'll still be home in 10 minutes your logic escapes me well
451:50 in 10 minutes your logic escapes me well you better go catch it I don't see why I
451:52 you better go catch it I don't see why I should suffer I had nothing to do with
451:54 should suffer I had nothing to do with this tree lover situation Dilbert do you
451:57 this tree lover situation Dilbert do you realize that the letter i I and the word
452:01 realize that the letter i I and the word I are one and the same yes good I think
452:07 I are one and the same yes good I think I've made my point now who's handling
452:09 I've made my point now who's handling the refreshments Alice will why because
452:12 the refreshments Alice will why because I'm the only woman in the group i' to
452:14 I'm the only woman in the group i' to refute the logic of that let me
452:25 try apparently I'll be in charge of the refreshments Alice I want you to
452:27 refreshments Alice I want you to organize the Icebreaker games I love
452:30 organize the Icebreaker games I love Shoots and Ladders I think I'd prefer
452:32 Shoots and Ladders I think I'd prefer Russian Roulette American games
452:42 only you better do more than dust if your co-workers are coming over here for
452:44 your co-workers are coming over here for a meeting that's all this house needs my
452:47 a meeting that's all this house needs my program of ongoing tidiness pays big
452:49 program of ongoing tidiness pays big dividends in these
452:52 dividends in these situations your co-workers are going to
452:54 situations your co-workers are going to see you in your natural habitat so
452:57 see you in your natural habitat so they'll form lasting opinions based on
453:00 they'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions opinions that will
453:02 your possessions opinions that will influence your career for years to come
453:04 influence your career for years to come what do I care what others might think
453:06 what do I care what others might think I'm not like what you have no athletic
453:09 I'm not like what you have no athletic trophies on display it says you're a
453:11 trophies on display it says you're a loser if I had trophies on display
453:14 loser if I had trophies on display wouldn't it say I was a bragger yes but
453:16 wouldn't it say I was a bragger yes but if anyone asked you about the trophies
453:18 if anyone asked you about the trophies you could say you were lucky then I
453:19 you could say you were lucky then I would be a lying brager and that's still
453:22 would be a lying brager and that's still better than being a loser I'll buy you
453:25 better than being a loser I'll buy you some trophies at the trophy store no
453:27 some trophies at the trophy store no bowling trophies oh perish the thought
453:30 bowling trophies oh perish the thought uh and the magazines you'll have to
453:32 uh and the magazines you'll have to replace them what's wrong with my
453:34 replace them what's wrong with my reading material needle point is not the
453:37 reading material needle point is not the exclusive domain of women you know it
453:39 exclusive domain of women you know it happens to be both challenging and
453:41 happens to be both challenging and creative I'm not going to comment I'll
453:43 creative I'm not going to comment I'll just look at you until you agree with
453:46 just look at you until you agree with me that won't work because I'm right and
453:49 me that won't work because I'm right and I know I'm right you might not think I'm
453:51 I know I'm right you might not think I'm right and no one else might think I'm
453:53 right and no one else might think I'm right but I'm
453:55 right but I'm right okay you made your point I'll stop
453:58 right okay you made your point I'll stop at the new stand is that all you'll have
454:01 at the new stand is that all you'll have to Stage the refrigerator lose the
454:04 to Stage the refrigerator lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli it
454:05 cheesecake and get some broccoli it shows you have self-control but
454:09 shows you have self-control but I oh all right I'll go get some fake
454:12 I oh all right I'll go get some fake food change the station on your stereo
454:14 food change the station on your stereo and TV to something educational and take
454:16 and TV to something educational and take the hair out of your soap in the shower
454:18 the hair out of your soap in the shower that hair is
454:37 why do I have to live by the only people in the world who have a pet
454:39 in the world who have a pet [Music]
454:47 [Music] elephant your elephant is ruining my
454:49 elephant your elephant is ruining my backyard are you sure that's our
454:52 backyard are you sure that's our elephant how many people on this street
454:54 elephant how many people on this street have an elephant if you don't have that
454:56 have an elephant if you don't have that information how can you be certain it's
454:57 information how can you be certain it's our you're rather jumping to conclusions
454:59 our you're rather jumping to conclusions my good man just look out your back
455:01 my good man just look out your back window and see if your elephant is there
455:04 window and see if your elephant is there oh very
455:12 [Music] well our elephant is in our backyard you
455:15 well our elephant is in our backyard you must be mistaken he just ran back there
455:18 must be mistaken he just ran back there when you put the phone down look at the
455:20 when you put the phone down look at the path of Destruction between your house
455:21 path of Destruction between your house and my
455:23 and my backyard do you see a path of
455:25 backyard do you see a path of Destruction I can't say that I do dear
455:28 Destruction I can't say that I do dear no nothing like that over here you are
455:30 no nothing like that over here you are disturbing the sanctity of my home all I
455:33 disturbing the sanctity of my home all I ask is to be left alone at home a man's
455:35 ask is to be left alone at home a man's home is his castle oh we're a king now
455:39 home is his castle oh we're a king now are
455:40 are we very good I guess he grew weary of
455:43 we very good I guess he grew weary of being the man of
455:45 being the man of [Laughter]
455:49 [Laughter] steel that's it I'm getting dog birt ooh
455:52 steel that's it I'm getting dog birt ooh he's getting dog birt I'm so afraid
455:57 he's getting dog birt I'm so afraid [Laughter]
456:00 [Laughter] dogbert dogbert how may I be of
456:03 dogbert dogbert how may I be of service you can tell me where dogbert is
456:06 service you can tell me where dogbert is he left early this morning something
456:08 he left early this morning something about installing a puppet government
456:10 about installing a puppet government he's always installing a puppet
456:11 he's always installing a puppet government when I need
456:19 him what the what is all this we call it
456:22 the what is all this we call it construction I know what it
456:26 construction I know what it is I don't think you do why are you on
456:29 is I don't think you do why are you on my lawn we're building a pen for your
456:31 my lawn we're building a pen for your neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that
456:33 neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that but why are you on my lawn it's okay the
456:36 but why are you on my lawn it's okay the pier ponts gave us permission they can't
456:38 pier ponts gave us permission they can't give you permission to wreck my lawn
456:40 give you permission to wreck my lawn they only gave us permission to use your
456:42 they only gave us permission to use your lawn the wrecking part was all us this
456:45 lawn the wrecking part was all us this is outrageous I want all this stuff off
456:47 is outrageous I want all this stuff off my lawn by 2:00 my co-workers are coming
456:50 my lawn by 2:00 my co-workers are coming over here for an off-site meeting this
456:53 over here for an off-site meeting this will be very embarrassing more
456:54 will be very embarrassing more embarrassing than your needle point
456:56 embarrassing than your needle point magazines how do you know about them you
456:58 magazines how do you know about them you look like a man with a eclectic tastes
457:00 look like a man with a eclectic tastes and I don't mean that in a good
457:03 and I don't mean that in a good way that's it I'm an easygoing guy but
457:06 way that's it I'm an easygoing guy but I've been pushed to the breaking point
457:08 I've been pushed to the breaking point and when I reach that point look out hey
457:13 and when I reach that point look out hey hey
457:23 who you might want to put some cones around this open trench
457:43 dber chap can't talk now we're off for a two we vacation we didn't want to be
457:45 two we vacation we didn't want to be here when all the construction was going
457:46 here when all the construction was going on it could be so disruptive could you
457:48 on it could be so disruptive could you tell the workers to get off my lawn
457:51 tell the workers to get off my lawn please yes we'll call them from the car
457:53 please yes we'll call them from the car using our cell phone but if for some
457:56 using our cell phone but if for some reason you don't call them from the car
457:58 reason you don't call them from the car then there's nothing I can do about got
457:59 then there's nothing I can do about got it very good Chop
458:19 Chop Elmer Elmer Oakley president of the tree lover
458:26 Society I didn't know how old she was she lied about her number of rings I say
458:30 she lied about her number of rings I say don't judge a man until you walk a mile
458:32 don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes so let's change
458:35 in his shoes so let's change shoes I think I'll get the best of that
458:42 exchange I've come from the big company you're suing to take you to an off-site
458:46 you're suing to take you to an off-site meeting do you know what an off-site
458:49 meeting do you know what an off-site meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is
458:53 meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is it like a meeting that's not on site oh
458:57 it like a meeting that's not on site oh you've got a lot on the balls son what
458:59 you've got a lot on the balls son what do you say we go to that meeting you and
459:01 do you say we go to that meeting you and me you in my shoes me in yours and see
459:04 me you in my shoes me in yours and see if we can't convince you to drop this
459:06 if we can't convince you to drop this cockeyed lawsuit huh although off the
459:09 cockeyed lawsuit huh although off the Record if I was you I'd sue for 10 times
459:11 Record if I was you I'd sue for 10 times as
459:12 as much ah beautiful home if I can just get
459:15 much ah beautiful home if I can just get through the off-site meeting I will have
459:18 through the off-site meeting I will have my little Sanctuary back
459:21 my little Sanctuary back [Music]
459:33 dog bird where are you I need a little help here he's not here he said
459:36 help here he's not here he said something about looting National
459:37 something about looting National Treasures when's he getting back I don't
459:39 Treasures when's he getting back I don't have the answer to that question so
459:41 have the answer to that question so instead I offer you this dance get the
459:45 instead I offer you this dance get the the die my co-workers will be here any
459:46 the die my co-workers will be here any minute I have an elephant on my roof my
459:49 minute I have an elephant on my roof my lawn has been trashed and now I have a
459:51 lawn has been trashed and now I have a dancing rat I don't see how this could
459:53 dancing rat I don't see how this could be worse you'll like Dilbert's house
459:56 be worse you'll like Dilbert's house there's almost no wood in it
460:06 [Music] sap what's wrong with you why are you
460:09 sap what's wrong with you why are you driving this way this is the way I drive
460:12 driving this way this is the way I drive it is most annoying everyone has their
460:14 it is most annoying everyone has their own driving style this is mine you're
460:17 own driving style this is mine you're doing this so we'll never ask you to
460:18 doing this so we'll never ask you to drive again it's all perfectly
460:22 drive again it's all perfectly legal here it is Dilbert's
460:26 legal here it is Dilbert's house it has more wood than I remember
460:46 W well well let's see what Dilbert reads at
460:47 at home what's this Dilbert doesn't have
460:50 home what's this Dilbert doesn't have good
460:51 good taste let's see what station Dilbert was
460:53 taste let's see what station Dilbert was watching
460:54 watching last and now another Masterpiece
460:57 last and now another Masterpiece involving British people with no
460:58 involving British people with no emotional depth
460:59 emotional depth educational television Dilbert watches
461:02 educational television Dilbert watches educational television I had no idea
461:05 educational television I had no idea that Dilbert was such an accomplished
461:07 that Dilbert was such an accomplished Sportsman he never speaks of it oh those
461:10 Sportsman he never speaks of it oh those I just got
461:16 lucky huh it's broccoli nothing but broccoli
461:21 huh it's broccoli nothing but broccoli broccoli something is very wrong here
461:24 broccoli something is very wrong here Wall-E check his soap I'm on
461:28 Wall-E check his soap I'm on it it's it's been trimmed possibly
461:31 it it's it's been trimmed possibly blowdried
461:33 blowdried I knew it this place has been staged
461:37 I knew it this place has been staged staged we've been had uh were we going
461:41 staged we've been had uh were we going to have a
461:42 to have a meeting right the meeting let's start
461:45 meeting right the meeting let's start with the refreshments Wally what did you
461:47 with the refreshments Wally what did you bring I did a survey and found that
461:49 bring I did a survey and found that everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a
461:51 everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a vegetarian it's too late to cast your
461:53 vegetarian it's too late to cast your vote hot dogs it is where are they well
461:56 vote hot dogs it is where are they well the survey was phase one I'm hoping to
461:58 the survey was phase one I'm hoping to get to phase two sometime in the next
462:01 get to phase two sometime in the next quarter I guess we can go directly to
462:03 quarter I guess we can go directly to the Icebreaker phase of the meeting
462:04 the Icebreaker phase of the meeting everyone grab a paint gun we're playing
462:06 everyone grab a paint gun we're playing street rules are your meetings always
462:09 street rules are your meetings always like this not always one time we had hot
462:12 like this not always one time we had hot dogs
462:14 dogs [Music]
462:20 [Music] [Applause]
462:29 ow that paint washes off right yeah yeah
462:35 yeah there's your consensus you tree loving
462:37 loving freak nice going Dilbert this is the
462:41 freak nice going Dilbert this is the last time I let you talk me into having
462:42 last time I let you talk me into having an off-site meeting at your
462:45 an off-site meeting at your house I'll sue your tree killing company
462:48 house I'll sue your tree killing company into sawdust but not before I win this
462:51 into sawdust but not before I win this icebreaker
462:52 icebreaker game hey this should work no not the
462:56 game hey this should work no not the elephant
463:11 my house you destroyed my Fortress of Solitude as it turns out it wasn't much
463:14 Solitude as it turns out it wasn't much of a fortress I don't know about anyone
463:16 of a fortress I don't know about anyone else but that really worked up my
463:25 appetite oh yeah that's right I have destroyed your Hub and I shall destroy
463:27 destroyed your Hub and I shall destroy your company in court
463:37 dog bird has returned it just turned into a bad day
463:40 returned it just turned into a bad day to be you I'm not afraid of some little
463:49 dog never [Music]
463:53 [Music] mind
463:55 mind explanation and then Elmer hit the
463:57 explanation and then Elmer hit the elephant and the whole thing collapsed
464:00 elephant and the whole thing collapsed and you want me to fix everything I
464:03 and you want me to fix everything I believe that is outside of even your
464:05 believe that is outside of even your powers Mr
464:13 dogbert I'm sorry it seems you have four problems here one dead elephant two
464:18 problems here one dead elephant two Wally forgot the food three wood for
464:21 Wally forgot the food three wood for brains here is suing your company and
464:23 brains here is suing your company and four the house has been destroyed he's
464:26 four the house has been destroyed he's good we can solve problems one and two
464:28 good we can solve problems one and two by barbecuing the the elephant over the
464:29 by barbecuing the the elephant over the lumber that
464:31 lumber that sounds as for the wood aile here you do
464:35 sounds as for the wood aile here you do know you've slain an endangered species
464:37 know you've slain an endangered species that's right he has and we all saw it uh
464:40 that's right he has and we all saw it uh never mind about the lawsuit forgive and
464:43 never mind about the lawsuit forgive and forget that's my motto that's three
464:46 forget that's my motto that's three problems out of four cell
464:52 phone hello is this the construction firm that did the pier Pont job this
464:54 firm that did the pier Pont job this morning this is Mr Pier Pont I want you
464:57 morning this is Mr Pier Pont I want you to remove the wreckage next to my house
464:59 to remove the wreckage next to my house and move my entire house into the lot
465:01 and move my entire house into the lot throw away all the possessions inside
465:03 throw away all the possessions inside and change the locks I lost a lot of
465:05 and change the locks I lost a lot of computer equipment I get the insurance
465:07 computer equipment I get the insurance adjuster here in the morning it was time
465:09 adjuster here in the morning it was time to upgrade anyway start tomorrow
465:11 to upgrade anyway start tomorrow afternoon you have 2 weeks until I
465:13 afternoon you have 2 weeks until I return from
465:14 return from vacation I shall now start the paperwork
465:17 vacation I shall now start the paperwork to make you a
465:31 this might be some of your best work you're lucky these houses all look
465:33 you're lucky these houses all look alike we found this in the wreckage you
465:36 alike we found this in the wreckage you want
465:37 want it yes thank you
465:41 it yes thank you freak I wonder what the peer ponts will
465:43 freak I wonder what the peer ponts will think when they get back I took care of
465:45 think when they get back I took care of that too uh ladies and gentlemen I've
465:47 that too uh ladies and gentlemen I've been asked to make a public service
465:49 been asked to make a public service announcement be sure to unplug your
465:52 announcement be sure to unplug your curling iron before taking long
465:54 curling iron before taking long vacations lovey did you unplug your
465:57 vacations lovey did you unplug your curler I'm not sure sure because if you
466:00 curler I'm not sure sure because if you don't your house might disappear along
466:03 don't your house might disappear along with your pet
466:04 with your pet elephant and uh announcement number two
466:08 elephant and uh announcement number two does anyone know how to land this thing
466:12 does anyone know how to land this thing [Music]
466:37 [Music] [Applause]
466:56 who has that much fun what kind of idiot can have that much fun is he oblivious
466:58 can have that much fun is he oblivious or just plain stupid you know I have
467:00 or just plain stupid you know I have excellent hearing you can speak much
467:02 excellent hearing you can speak much much lower hey wait a minute that's
467:05 much lower hey wait a minute that's Gerald my old work colleague now it all
467:07 Gerald my old work colleague now it all makes sense he is an idiot well well if
467:10 makes sense he is an idiot well well if it is my old coworker Dilbert hey old
467:13 it is my old coworker Dilbert hey old buddy how they hanging I'd rather not
467:15 buddy how they hanging I'd rather not answer that suit yourself I haven't seen
467:19 answer that suit yourself I haven't seen you since you got fired for gross
467:20 you since you got fired for gross incompetence well as you can see
467:23 incompetence well as you can see incompetence is paying very well these
467:26 incompetence is paying very well these days
467:32 [Music] I'm revving too you just can't hear it
467:34 I'm revving too you just can't hear it because it's an electric car yeah mine's
467:37 because it's an electric car yeah mine's not you seem to be doing very well what
467:40 not you seem to be doing very well what kind of drugs are you dealing oh I'm
467:42 kind of drugs are you dealing oh I'm still an engineer just like you ouch you
467:46 still an engineer just like you ouch you are it's too bad you stayed at your
467:48 are it's too bad you stayed at your company instead of trying the open
467:49 company instead of trying the open market for engineers we're quite in
467:52 market for engineers we're quite in demand as you can see and
467:55 demand as you can see and hear I'm revving again and my new job I
467:58 hear I'm revving again and my new job I I've made millions in stock options it's
468:01 I've made millions in stock options it's casual day every day beer blasts on
468:03 casual day every day beer blasts on Fridays I get free massages at my desk a
468:07 Fridays I get free massages at my desk a mahogany desk which happens to be in a
468:10 mahogany desk which happens to be in a private
468:19 office come on turn already eat my dust Turtle Boy
468:28 [Music] you can pull into the intersection no
468:30 you can pull into the intersection no cops for Miles you can't violate the law
468:33 cops for Miles you can't violate the law just because you know you won't get
468:34 just because you know you won't get caught trust me that's the best
468:46 mommy Down Periscope the weird thing is that I'm
468:48 Periscope the weird thing is that I'm jealous of him and yet I hate him which
468:51 jealous of him and yet I hate him which means if I became like him I would hate
468:53 means if I became like him I would hate myself logically then I must want to
468:56 myself logically then I must want to hate myself I'll make the engine noise
468:58 hate myself I'll make the engine noise if you just shut up and drive deal r
469:03 if you just shut up and drive deal r r do you think I'm a loser because I
469:05 r do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my company yes it's just that
469:08 stay with my company yes it's just that one reason thank you I think engine yeah
469:13 one reason thank you I think engine yeah sorry r v v
469:32 [Music] go
469:34 go CH
469:41 [Music] [Applause]
469:48 [Applause] [Music]
469:50 [Music] go hey
469:53 go hey [Music]
470:02 [Music] [Applause]
470:08 [Applause] [Music]
470:26 so just because he's got millions in stock options and lives a life of wealth
470:28 stock options and lives a life of wealth an opulence essentially doing the same
470:30 an opulence essentially doing the same job I do doesn't mean he's happy and
470:33 job I do doesn't mean he's happy and even if he is happy is that the goal
470:35 even if he is happy is that the goal good point touche now get
470:43 out I come here every day because I'm challenged by my job I find a sense of
470:46 challenged by my job I find a sense of fulfillment that no material object
470:48 fulfillment that no material object could ever don't wait
470:50 could ever don't wait up I can never make it do that hey be
470:54 up I can never make it do that hey be careful with the car
471:04 I ran into Gerald our old coworker yesterday the only person ever to be
471:06 yesterday the only person ever to be fired from this company for incompetence
471:08 fired from this company for incompetence he's working for some other company
471:10 he's working for some other company now what's that it is an old sponge on
471:15 now what's that it is an old sponge on my salary as an intern I cannot afford
471:17 my salary as an intern I cannot afford to waste anything I didn't know a person
471:19 to waste anything I didn't know a person could live on sponges this one has
471:21 could live on sponges this one has absorbed many food related stains it
471:23 absorbed many food related stains it would be a shame to throw it away
471:32 as I was saying Gerald is making a fortune working for this other
471:40 company dishwater from last night it makes a delicious
471:47 beverage so I'm wondering if we're missing the boat by staying at this
471:50 missing the boat by staying at this company excuse me
471:54 company excuse me [Music]
471:59 [Music] according to Gerald Engineers are worth
472:01 according to Gerald Engineers are worth a lot of money now we could leave this
472:03 a lot of money now we could leave this place and be treated like rock stars I
472:06 place and be treated like rock stars I don't know who this Gerald fellow is but
472:09 don't know who this Gerald fellow is but there are no engineering jobs outside
472:12 there are no engineering jobs outside this company none zero Zippo Zoro mulch
472:16 this company none zero Zippo Zoro mulch you lost me on Zoro you've never heard
472:19 you lost me on Zoro you've never heard of Zoro not in this context you ought to
472:22 of Zoro not in this context you ought to try reading a book once in a while I
472:25 try reading a book once in a while I think you're lying all right you got me
472:27 think you're lying all right you got me I've never read a book either I also
472:29 I've never read a book either I also have no idea who Zoro is no I mean about
472:32 have no idea who Zoro is no I mean about the engineering jobs really how can you
472:34 the engineering jobs really how can you tell when you lie you're
472:43 bald as I was saying there are no other engineering jobs anywhere may I ask why
472:47 engineering jobs anywhere may I ask why you're wearing a lobster Bib and why
472:49 you're wearing a lobster Bib and why don't we ever see managers eating in the
472:51 don't we ever see managers eating in the cafeteria where do you go to eat
472:53 cafeteria where do you go to eat managers don't
473:00 eat come on on work with me I think the managers have some sort of secret
473:02 managers have some sort of secret executive dining room that is the most
473:05 executive dining room that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever if you an
473:10 ridiculous thing I have ever if you an executive dining room get a load well I
473:25 [Music] never sorry wrong vending machine
473:37 you're late were you followed they don't suspect a thing good but there's been a
473:40 suspect a thing good but there's been a breach in security the engineers found
473:42 breach in security the engineers found out they can get jobs at other companies
473:45 out they can get jobs at other companies how could that happen Brewster we still
473:47 how could that happen Brewster we still control the media don't we yes thanks to
473:49 control the media don't we yes thanks to our generous advertising budget and we
473:51 our generous advertising budget and we know the engineers have no friends to
473:53 know the engineers have no friends to tell them of the outside
473:55 tell them of the outside world I overheard them say it came from
473:58 world I overheard them say it came from someone named Gerald last name I didn't
474:01 someone named Gerald last name I didn't catch
474:07 it have everyone named Gerald killed immediately is that Gerald with a G or
474:09 immediately is that Gerald with a G or Gerald with a J can you just kill them
474:12 Gerald with a J can you just kill them all phonetically right away
474:14 all phonetically right away [Applause]
474:17 [Applause] sir I have the same problem with clams
474:21 sir I have the same problem with clams by the time I eat a dozen of those
474:22 by the time I eat a dozen of those little guys I'm exhausted you have
474:25 little guys I'm exhausted you have trouble opening the shells what what
474:27 trouble opening the shells what what what clams have shells okay people first
474:30 what clams have shells okay people first order of business the JFK assassination
474:33 order of business the JFK assassination do we have a status report as you know
474:36 do we have a status report as you know our marketing stunt in November of 63
474:38 our marketing stunt in November of 63 wherein we assassinated President
474:40 wherein we assassinated President Kennedy to bring attention to our line
474:41 Kennedy to bring attention to our line of pillbox hats has continued to have
474:44 of pillbox hats has continued to have unforeseen repercussions repercussions
474:46 unforeseen repercussions repercussions you say you know I play the drums oh
474:50 you say you know I play the drums oh really you do well it's not so much
474:53 really you do well it's not so much playing as it is hitting them with a
474:55 playing as it is hitting them with a stick at least that's what I would do if
474:57 stick at least that's what I would do if I had drums that's what they're for you
474:59 I had drums that's what they're for you know you know sometimes I think it might
475:03 know you know sometimes I think it might be wrong to manipulate world events just
475:06 be wrong to manipulate world events just to sell women's
475:21 hats but seriously what about this problem with the engineers we have
475:23 problem with the engineers we have reports of head hunters with lucrative
475:25 reports of head hunters with lucrative job offers getting through the radar
475:35 yes hello phone number 55501 72 are you or anyone you know an engineer I'm an
475:43 engineer I'm an executive recruiter did you know that as an engineer you can get
475:44 you know that as an engineer you can get a better job at another company with
475:46 a better job at another company with your own personal climbing wall
475:48 your own personal climbing wall complimentary taichi classes and
475:49 complimentary taichi classes and unlimited cappuccino and I can get
475:51 unlimited cappuccino and I can get $20,000 for making this phone call our
475:54 $20,000 for making this phone call our company newsletter says there are no
475:56 company newsletter says there are no jobs at other companies if if we leave
475:58 jobs at other companies if if we leave here we'll die a slow and horrible death
476:01 here we'll die a slow and horrible death it's all described in this
476:03 it's all described in this sidebar no no they're just saying that
476:06 sidebar no no they're just saying that we have a security breach it's a head
476:08 we have a security breach it's a head hunter I'm tracing his call got him
476:11 hunter I'm tracing his call got him dispatch him in the usual way very good
476:21 sir hello hello H must have lost the connection yes but the damage is done
476:23 connection yes but the damage is done they've heard about the outside world
476:26 they've heard about the outside world maybe we could bribe them to stay you
476:28 maybe we could bribe them to stay you know give them one of those uh you know
476:31 know give them one of those uh you know what are those uh climbing walls no no
476:34 what are those uh climbing walls no no taichi classes no capino makers uh-uh
476:37 taichi classes no capino makers uh-uh increase in Pay yes that's
476:40 increase in Pay yes that's it I love guessing games hey what number
476:43 it I love guessing games hey what number am I thinking of no never mind it's a
476:45 am I thinking of no never mind it's a letter no no it's not that serious yet
476:47 letter no no it's not that serious yet that's absolutely a last ditch measure
476:50 that's absolutely a last ditch measure first let's try promoting one of the
476:52 first let's try promoting one of the engineers to management this will give
476:54 engineers to management this will give them all a false impression that they
476:56 them all a false impression that they have a career path with this company
476:58 have a career path with this company but who upon Whom Shall We bestow such a
477:02 but who upon Whom Shall We bestow such a lofty mantle what did he say he said
477:11 who this darn machine never works nobody ever fixes
477:19 it there's your new [Music]
477:21 [Music] manager should we give him the
477:35 Dilbert I've decided to promote you to management what why I didn't do anything
477:39 management what why I didn't do anything wrong at least nothing that you know
477:41 wrong at least nothing that you know about it's our way of showing the
477:43 about it's our way of showing the engineers that there is a career path at
477:46 engineers that there is a career path at this company no need to go sniffing
477:48 this company no need to go sniffing around on the outside I don't want to be
477:50 around on the outside I don't want to be a manager I'm trying to do something
477:52 a manager I'm trying to do something nice for you well stop it I don't like
477:55 nice for you well stop it I don't like it all right you drive a hard bargain I
477:57 it all right you drive a hard bargain I shouldn't do this but I'm assigning you
477:59 shouldn't do this but I'm assigning you an assistant how about that let's hear
478:02 an assistant how about that let's hear you squawk now I don't want an assistant
478:05 you squawk now I don't want an assistant I don't need an assistant I just want to
478:07 I don't need an assistant I just want to be an engineer think of it as a perk no
478:10 be an engineer think of it as a perk no need to thank me
478:12 need to thank me Alonso Delbert this is Alonso your new
478:17 Alonso Delbert this is Alonso your new assistant yeah can I take the rest of
478:19 assistant yeah can I take the rest of the week off I have
478:21 the week off I have allergies you just started ooh crack the
478:24 allergies you just started ooh crack the whip
478:31 old Zink I thought you were dead technically yeah but I need the money so
478:34 technically yeah but I need the money so I'll keep working I got the strangest
478:37 I'll keep working I got the strangest call today some guy claimed there are
478:39 call today some guy claimed there are jobs for engineers outside this company
478:42 jobs for engineers outside this company I think he was a nut oh there are
478:44 I think he was a nut oh there are engineering jobs outside this company
478:46 engineering jobs outside this company all right I seen them really those other
478:50 all right I seen them really those other companies they treat an engineer like a
478:52 companies they treat an engineer like a prize Pig I'd like to be treated like a
478:55 prize Pig I'd like to be treated like a prize Pig I've always wanted to wear a
478:57 prize Pig I've always wanted to wear a ribbon and
478:59 ribbon and but I don't think I could ever find
479:00 but I don't think I could ever find another company that didn't insist I
479:02 another company that didn't insist I actually
479:03 actually work I have a pretty good arrangement
479:05 work I have a pretty good arrangement here it doesn't hurt to try that hasn't
479:09 here it doesn't hurt to try that hasn't been my experience whenever I try it
479:11 been my experience whenever I try it hurts I know I know you got me that's
479:15 hurts I know I know you got me that's just something I say and you know what
479:17 just something I say and you know what else a watch pot does boil yeah I tried
479:20 else a watch pot does boil yeah I tried it maybe I should at least go to some
479:22 it maybe I should at least go to some interviews it'll be nice to have someone
479:23 interviews it'll be nice to have someone treat me with respect they whne and Dy
479:26 treat me with respect they whne and Dy you and tell you how one wonderful you
479:28 you and tell you how one wonderful you are then you can turn them down before
479:31 are then you can turn them down before they make you work wow it's like being a
479:33 they make you work wow it's like being a pretty woman I've almost wanted to be a
479:36 pretty woman I've almost wanted to be a pretty woman more than a price Pig you
479:38 pretty woman more than a price Pig you don't get it do
479:46 you don't look now but there's something following
479:47 following you that something is my new assistant I
479:50 you that something is my new assistant I forgot his name And So It Begins
479:54 forgot his name And So It Begins assistant Engineers don't have
479:56 assistant Engineers don't have assistants only managers have assistants
479:58 assistants only managers have assistants um I got promoted to management you
480:02 um I got promoted to management you did not Wall-E or me Wall-E all right I
480:06 did not Wall-E or me Wall-E all right I use Wally's name to camouflage my own
480:08 use Wally's name to camouflage my own selfish Ambitions you want to be
480:10 selfish Ambitions you want to be management I don't want you to be you
480:12 management I don't want you to be you try to boss me around and they'll have
480:14 try to boss me around and they'll have to remove that assistant from you with
480:16 to remove that assistant from you with forceps you got
480:22 me well looks like someone got promoted to management there but for the grace of
480:25 to management there but for the grace of God I don't see why he gets an assistant
480:28 God I don't see why he gets an assistant and we don't I thought you were my
480:30 and we don't I thought you were my assistant I am not your assistant I just
480:34 assistant I am not your assistant I just do all the work that you don't do
480:35 do all the work that you don't do because you're too lazy to do it and
480:37 because you're too lazy to do it and otherwise it wouldn't get done it's a
480:39 otherwise it wouldn't get done it's a fine line as God as my witness I will
480:43 fine line as God as my witness I will have an assistant someday well make sure
480:45 have an assistant someday well make sure you get a good one I don't want someone
480:47 you get a good one I don't want someone doing a bad job on your work that was
480:49 doing a bad job on your work that was originally my work w-e you're a real
480:52 originally my work w-e you're a real original but just for the heck of it
480:54 original but just for the heck of it let's see if we can make a copy
481:03 [Applause] guess not paper
481:06 guess not paper jam hey is it okay if I bring my piano
481:08 jam hey is it okay if I bring my piano to work no that is not okay well what if
481:11 to work no that is not okay well what if somebody else brings it in and I just
481:13 somebody else brings it in and I just play it how about that you're supposed
481:15 play it how about that you're supposed to be helping me not making my life a
481:17 to be helping me not making my life a burden with your annoying requests well
481:20 burden with your annoying requests well excuse me for not having a written job
481:22 excuse me for not having a written job description I believe that's your job to
481:24 description I believe that's your job to give me one you're my assistant how hard
481:27 give me one you're my assistant how hard is that to understand stand you assist
481:29 is that to understand stand you assist me if you told me to stick my head in a
481:31 me if you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure I wouldn't do that that
481:33 pile of manure I wouldn't do that that wouldn't be assisting me oh yes you're
481:36 wouldn't be assisting me oh yes you're right you're always right I'm just the
481:38 right you're always right I'm just the assistant okay what if a piano just sort
481:41 assistant okay what if a piano just sort of showed up would that be okay no
481:44 of showed up would that be okay no piano is this a bad time to talk about a
481:52 raise I want you to make a shook my assistant if I made a shook your
481:54 assistant if I made a shook your assistant it would destroy his tiny ego
481:57 assistant it would destroy his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need more than that
482:00 so you'll do it I'll need more than that help me help you all right let's see it
482:05 help me help you all right let's see it would breed resentment throughout the
482:06 would breed resentment throughout the entire employee population uhhuh nice
482:10 entire employee population uhhuh nice you make a strong
482:13 you make a strong case are you thinking no I'm toying with
482:16 case are you thinking no I'm toying with you all right I'll do it on one
482:19 you all right I'll do it on one condition name it I have to be there to
482:21 condition name it I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him deal
482:27 hear him scream when you tell him deal [Music]
482:46 hi I'm an engineer code blue I repeat code
482:49 engineer code blue I repeat code [Music]
482:56 [Music] blue yes company jet what else H did I
482:59 blue yes company jet what else H did I say llama yes did I say a company jet
483:04 say llama yes did I say a company jet for my llama would you consider sharing
483:06 for my llama would you consider sharing your company jet with your
483:08 your company jet with your llama share a jet with a llama that's
483:11 llama share a jet with a llama that's crazy talk I'm out of here I'm so sorry
483:14 crazy talk I'm out of here I'm so sorry yes yes jet for your llama stop moving
483:17 yes yes jet for your llama stop moving your head around so
483:19 your head around so much well the paperwork is done you're
483:21 much well the paperwork is done you're my assistant now what read and
483:26 my assistant now what read and weep show
483:29 weep show [Music]
483:37 no who wants to start the weekly status reports I will this week I discovered a
483:40 reports I will this week I discovered a glorious World outside this company a
483:42 glorious World outside this company a world where Engineers are treated like
483:44 world where Engineers are treated like Gods no you didn't yes I did despite
483:47 Gods no you didn't yes I did despite what you read in the company newsletter
483:49 what you read in the company newsletter Engineers are in high demand at other
483:51 Engineers are in high demand at other companies no they aren't I would have
483:53 companies no they aren't I would have taken another job but negotiations broke
483:55 taken another job but negotiations broke down over one point they expected you to
483:57 down over one point they expected you to work work exactly fortunately I was too
484:00 work work exactly fortunately I was too clever to fall for the old baiton switch
484:02 clever to fall for the old baiton switch but I kept the llama and what is your
484:06 but I kept the llama and what is your name again it's uh Alan
484:10 name again it's uh Alan Alan okay who's next I spent the entire
484:14 Alan okay who's next I spent the entire week trying to manage my new assistant
484:16 week trying to manage my new assistant Thursday for example was consumed by our
484:18 Thursday for example was consumed by our debate on how bad a haircut has to be
484:21 debate on how bad a haircut has to be before you can take a sick day to
484:22 before you can take a sick day to recover I contend it has to sever an
484:24 recover I contend it has to sever an artery I spent the week plotting to make
484:27 artery I spent the week plotting to make a shook my assistant my status does not
484:29 a shook my assistant my status does not matter I am only an
484:32 matter I am only an assistant so let me get this straight
484:34 assistant so let me get this straight none of you Dad blasted fliy jibbit did
484:38 none of you Dad blasted fliy jibbit did any work this week don't tell me you're
484:40 any work this week don't tell me you're jumping on that bandwagon too next week
484:43 jumping on that bandwagon too next week I'll get a lot done now that I have the
484:45 I'll get a lot done now that I have the best assistant in the department I don't
484:48 best assistant in the department I don't know about that my assistant is plenty
484:51 know about that my assistant is plenty capable your assistant is pathetic he is
484:55 capable your assistant is pathetic he is not pathetic my assistant can beat your
484:58 not pathetic my assistant can beat your assistant at anything anywhere just name
485:02 assistant at anything anywhere just name the time and place is this really a wise
485:04 the time and place is this really a wise idea what's have I tell you before
485:06 idea what's have I tell you before everything I do is a reflection on you
485:09 everything I do is a reflection on you maybe you'd like to have a little
485:11 maybe you'd like to have a little wager maybe I
485:15 wager maybe I [Music]
485:23 [Music] would two assistants go in but only one
485:27 would two assistants go in but only one comes up out
485:28 comes up out unmarked I'm afraid if you win this you
485:31 unmarked I'm afraid if you win this you can have the piano in the office I don't
485:34 can have the piano in the office I don't play you know the
485:47 rules you realize I never even wanted to have an assistant neither did I but I
485:49 have an assistant neither did I but I couldn't stand the thought of you
485:50 couldn't stand the thought of you getting a leg up on me I'm loathed to
485:52 getting a leg up on me I'm loathed to admit it but I felt the same way I guess
485:54 admit it but I felt the same way I guess we were both Pretty Petty I guess we
485:56 we were both Pretty Petty I guess we were oh well
486:10 begin I will Mark you so bad not if I Mark you
486:26 first but how do you like being a manager well I accomplished nothing
486:29 manager well I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent
486:31 except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own Amusement that's my
486:33 people for my own Amusement that's my favorite part too could I just go back
486:36 favorite part too could I just go back to being an engineer I think I've made
486:39 to being an engineer I think I've made my point that Engineers have a career
486:41 my point that Engineers have a career path there was a point to all this how
486:43 path there was a point to all this how about
486:45 about that you call yourself an assistant
486:49 that you call yourself an assistant you're fired go back to being an
486:52 you're fired go back to being an intern oh thank you I think we all
486:57 intern oh thank you I think we all learned a valuable lesson this week not
487:00 learned a valuable lesson this week not me I learned not to keep a llama in my
487:02 me I learned not to keep a llama in my cubicle you mean that new stench isn't
487:04 cubicle you mean that new stench isn't you no we learned that it's not perks or
487:07 you no we learned that it's not perks or promotions that keep us at our jobs it's
487:10 promotions that keep us at our jobs it's loyalty and love of our work the passion
487:13 loyalty and love of our work the passion that we as Engineers approach each day
487:16 that we as Engineers approach each day with Delbert Delbert uh yes I appreciate
487:20 with Delbert Delbert uh yes I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments and with that
487:23 your heartfelt sentiments and with that in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting
487:25 in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting your benefits and increasing your hours
487:27 your benefits and increasing your hours he everybody back to work that's exactly
487:30 he everybody back to work that's exactly my point I don't care I don't care I
487:34 my point I don't care I don't care I really don't
487:35 really don't [Music]
487:43 care we have another security problem this time an employee named
487:46 this time an employee named Allan I didn't catch the last
487:50 Allan I didn't catch the last name have everyone named alen killed
487:53 name have everyone named alen killed immediately right away
487:55 immediately right away sir wait a minute my name is
488:07 Alan did anyone else just lose their appetite absolutely not not me no me
488:11 appetite absolutely not not me no me neither
488:57 I'll faint interest and ask you what you're doing but my subtext will be I
488:59 you're doing but my subtext will be I don't really care I'm trying to buy a
489:01 don't really care I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet so you're on
489:03 computer over the Internet so you're on the computer trying to buy a computer
489:05 the computer trying to buy a computer from essentially another computer and
489:08 from essentially another computer and your point is who needs you what are you
489:11 your point is who needs you what are you talking about isn't it obvious you're
489:13 talking about isn't it obvious you're letting the computers take over you're a
489:15 letting the computers take over you're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy and
489:17 useless appendage doomed to atrophy and finally disappear stop turning this into
489:20 finally disappear stop turning this into a science fiction story I'm just trying
489:22 a science fiction story I'm just trying to buy a computer Ah that's what they
489:24 to buy a computer Ah that's what they want you to think what you're really
489:25 want you to think what you're really doing is helping computers all around
489:27 doing is helping computers all around the world link up to form a colossal
489:29 the world link up to form a colossal super being once it achieves
489:32 super being once it achieves Consciousness I'd say the human race has
489:34 Consciousness I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose and I
489:36 pretty much served its purpose and I guess then the computers will try to get
489:37 guess then the computers will try to get rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan
489:40 rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan to save Humanity that's very Noble of
489:42 to save Humanity that's very Noble of you when I say save I mean as in I save
489:45 you when I say save I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles m
490:18 [Music] [Applause]
490:25 hey [Music]
490:27 [Music] oh
490:34 [Music] [Applause]
490:36 [Applause] [Music]
491:02 oh the 750a has a vector cooling system but the 750b has dynamic memory caching
491:05 but the 750b has dynamic memory caching and a modular back plane why must I be
491:07 and a modular back plane why must I be forced to choose can you live without
491:09 forced to choose can you live without those things I don't see how that's
491:12 those things I don't see how that's possible maybe I can order a custom
491:14 possible maybe I can order a custom design
491:16 design model one of
491:18 model one of these one of those can't live without
491:21 these one of those can't live without that oh now that's a home computer
491:24 that oh now that's a home computer system the other Engineers will be
491:26 system the other Engineers will be forced to B before me and it only costs
491:31 forced to B before me and it only costs what
491:33 what $27,000 the other Engineers won't even
491:35 $27,000 the other Engineers won't even know you have it they will if I have it
491:37 know you have it they will if I have it delivered to the office I'll give them
491:39 delivered to the office I'll give them some time to drool over it before I
491:41 some time to drool over it before I bring it
491:43 bring it home travel miles vacation miles phone
491:46 home travel miles vacation miles phone miles here it is medical miles I almost
491:50 miles here it is medical miles I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia
491:52 have enough miles to get a free hernia operation not necessarily when I need it
491:54 operation not necessarily when I need it but whenever they have the excess
491:55 but whenever they have the excess capacity still it's a good deal do you
491:58 capacity still it's a good deal do you ever worry about putting your credit
491:59 ever worry about putting your credit card information on the internet that is
492:01 card information on the internet that is the most ridiculous question I have ever
492:03 the most ridiculous question I have ever heard it is no riskier to use your
492:05 heard it is no riskier to use your credit card online than to use it in any
492:19 store uh make sure you sign the back thank you have a nice day I hear you
492:23 thank you have a nice day I hear you have excellent
492:25 have excellent rates it's got redundant rates drives 4
492:28 rates it's got redundant rates drives 4 terabits each 3 millisecond access time
492:31 terabits each 3 millisecond access time built-in DSL Wireless game ports flat
492:34 built-in DSL Wireless game ports flat panel 30-in monitor wow truly you have
492:37 panel 30-in monitor wow truly you have ordered the finest home computer known
492:40 ordered the finest home computer known to mankind well I don't know if it's the
492:42 to mankind well I don't know if it's the finest ever can I touch it if I wash my
492:45 finest ever can I touch it if I wash my hands first especially this one I'll
492:48 hands first especially this one I'll have to think about that that's all I
492:51 have to think about that that's all I ask and what are you going to name it
492:53 ask and what are you going to name it don't be silly come on what's its name
493:06 Bill excuse me don't worry I do the same thing almost every time I get in the
493:07 thing almost every time I get in the elevator I don't know if it's the motion
493:09 elevator I don't know if it's the motion or what I'm looking for someone named
493:12 or what I'm looking for someone named Dilbert sounds Vaguely Familiar I have a
493:16 Dilbert sounds Vaguely Familiar I have a package for him I'll sign for
493:25 it is the package complete and exactly what you ordered
493:34 right your name is Unice that's an alias I use when I go line dancing I didn't
493:37 I use when I go line dancing I didn't know you needed an alias to line dance
493:39 know you needed an alias to line dance you do when you kick as hard as I do
493:42 you do when you kick as hard as I do there's a big box by the elevators with
493:44 there's a big box by the elevators with your name on it why would an elevator
493:46 your name on it why would an elevator have my name on
493:48 have my name on it
493:50 it [Music]
493:56 ah you may use my house key to tear open the box it has very sharp teeth now we
494:00 the box it has very sharp teeth now we need the right tools for the job I once
494:02 need the right tools for the job I once killed a coyote with this
494:05 killed a coyote with this key it was very
494:09 key it was very small it might have been a potato I have
494:13 small it might have been a potato I have just the thing the T300 pocket knife the
494:16 just the thing the T300 pocket knife the T300 is old technology my friend gaze
494:19 T300 is old technology my friend gaze upon the T400
494:35 ow that doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me don't be
494:37 generation of computing to me don't be ridiculous of course it's that's not
494:40 ridiculous of course it's that's not what I ordered it's all
494:42 what I ordered it's all technology to think I once respected you
494:46 technology to think I once respected you now the notion fills me with
494:49 now the notion fills me with disgust oh where have all the cowboys
494:52 disgust oh where have all the cowboys gone indeed don't write me off yet this
494:55 gone indeed don't write me off yet this is clearly their mistake and they will
494:57 is clearly their mistake and they will ify it mark my
495:03 words if you would like to start over press 61 any luck I don't believe in
495:06 press 61 any luck I don't believe in luck that's good because if you did you
495:08 luck that's good because if you did you wouldn't have any you've been on hold
495:10 wouldn't have any you've been on hold for an hour I'm not on hold I'm waiting
495:12 for an hour I'm not on hold I'm waiting for the right menu choice if you want to
495:15 for the right menu choice if you want to speak to a live recording press
495:18 speak to a live recording press 63 if you want to speak with a
495:21 63 if you want to speak with a representative of Congress press 64 te's
495:25 representative of Congress press 64 te's no good choices yet number 46 was
495:28 no good choices yet number 46 was promising but I don't speak Mandarin and
495:30 promising but I don't speak Mandarin and I'm not inquiring about a tractor dang I
495:33 I'm not inquiring about a tractor dang I didn't hear that one that might have
495:34 didn't hear that one that might have been the one it's never the one you
495:37 been the one it's never the one you think it's the one but it's just the one
495:38 think it's the one but it's just the one that gives you more choices that aren't
495:40 that gives you more choices that aren't the one comp you comp can't hide from me
495:42 the one comp you comp can't hide from me forever I'll find a live person to talk
495:45 forever I'll find a live person to talk to what if they don't have any live
495:47 to what if they don't have any live people they have to have people not
495:50 people they have to have people not necessarily they could automate the
495:52 necessarily they could automate the ordering and billing systems and
495:53 ordering and billing systems and Outsource all of the manufacturing
495:54 Outsource all of the manufacturing functions are you trying to tell me that
495:57 functions are you trying to tell me that the world has already been taken over by
495:59 the world has already been taken over by computers and we just don't know it
496:00 computers and we just don't know it let's examine the evidence so far you've
496:03 let's examine the evidence so far you've ordered a computer on a computer from a
496:05 ordered a computer on a computer from a computer and now you're listening to a
496:07 computer and now you're listening to a computer where are the humans show me
496:11 computer where are the humans show me the humans sleep me I see no humans in
496:14 the humans sleep me I see no humans in this process well that's just crazy wait
496:17 this process well that's just crazy wait this might be it if you would like to
496:19 this might be it if you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee of a
496:21 speak with an unmotivated employee of a fulfillment house that we pay to take
496:23 fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls press 74 aha
496:34 thank you for calling uh Compu comp or is perhaps compa comp I believe it's
496:36 is perhaps compa comp I believe it's comp you comp yeah then what are you
496:38 comp you comp yeah then what are you calling me for if you know so much
496:39 calling me for if you know so much before I get to that first of all may I
496:42 before I get to that first of all may I have your name that way they know
496:43 have your name that way they know they're
496:44 they're accountable uh my name is
496:48 accountable uh my name is uh hold them hold hold them uh C Fielder
496:52 uh hold them hold hold them uh C Fielder aha yes well then Mr C Fielder I'm sure
496:55 aha yes well then Mr C Fielder I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied
496:57 you want to make your customer satisfied don't you yeah it's all I live for that
496:59 don't you yeah it's all I live for that my minimum wage and the hope that global
497:01 my minimum wage and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first
497:04 warming kills all the rich people first I'll take that as a yes anyway I would
497:06 I'll take that as a yes anyway I would like to return the computer you sent me
497:08 like to return the computer you sent me and get the correct
497:15 model well according to our records a Unice says the computer was the right
497:17 Unice says the computer was the right one I don't know any Unice I used to
497:19 one I don't know any Unice I used to line dance for the Unice so the day she
497:22 line dance for the Unice so the day she showed up wearing steel tote boots right
497:26 showed up wearing steel tote boots right well the point is you owe me a new
497:28 well the point is you owe me a new computer I'm not authorized to approve
497:31 computer I'm not authorized to approve that then I'd like to speak with your
497:33 that then I'd like to speak with your supervisor all right I'm getting a
497:35 supervisor all right I'm getting a supervisor I'm moving up the
497:38 supervisor I'm moving up the chain hello this is a supervisor my name
497:41 chain hello this is a supervisor my name is Colin call it holding phone can you
497:44 is Colin call it holding phone can you approve sending me the computer I
497:46 approve sending me the computer I ordered oh no I can only do what my
497:48 ordered oh no I can only do what my computer screen tells me to do well can
497:50 computer screen tells me to do well can you talk to someone who can make a
497:51 you talk to someone who can make a decision uh there isn't anybody like
497:53 decision uh there isn't anybody like that no one exists who can override the
497:56 that no one exists who can override the information on the computer screen I
497:58 information on the computer screen I think I just said that only using
497:59 think I just said that only using different words look I'm going to go
498:01 different words look I'm going to go down to your office uh we don't have one
498:04 down to your office uh we don't have one Warehouse no headquarters uh-uh well you
498:07 Warehouse no headquarters uh-uh well you must be somewhere where are you
498:09 must be somewhere where are you located uh I'm not allowed to give out
498:12 located uh I'm not allowed to give out that information have a nice day
498:28 [Music] well Dilbert I see you're in on this
498:31 well Dilbert I see you're in on this little scam too what scam this is the
498:35 little scam too what scam this is the post office if you know the secret
498:37 post office if you know the secret password they give you free merchandise
498:40 password they give you free merchandise I have no idea what you're talking about
498:42 I have no idea what you're talking about the secret password is Bob Johnson if
498:45 the secret password is Bob Johnson if you say Bob Johnson sometimes they'll go
498:48 you say Bob Johnson sometimes they'll go in the back and get a package for you it
498:50 in the back and get a package for you it also works with Jim Smith but you have
498:52 also works with Jim Smith but you have to get here early don't they ask you for
498:55 to get here early don't they ask you for ID he know me
499:03 here they really know how to make me feel
499:05 feel wanted I'd like to mail this package
499:09 wanted I'd like to mail this package next Bob Johnson no can do no can do you
499:14 next Bob Johnson no can do no can do you used regular adhesive tape can't you
499:16 used regular adhesive tape can't you read the
499:23 sign no that's unacceptable postal packaging I'll have no part of it
499:25 packaging I'll have no part of it couldn't you just put some Reg ation
499:27 couldn't you just put some Reg ation tape on it you've got a whole roll of it
499:29 tape on it you've got a whole roll of it right there there you go I'll pretend I
499:31 right there there you go I'll pretend I didn't hear that see you next
499:34 didn't hear that see you next week I'll find it and I'll return that
499:36 week I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person come on you
499:39 piece of junk in person come on you cowardly Uber computer Show Yourself
499:42 cowardly Uber computer Show Yourself looks nice somebody's not working I'm
499:44 looks nice somebody's not working I'm working I didn't say it was you nothing
499:47 working I didn't say it was you nothing but post office mailboxes it's as if
499:49 but post office mailboxes it's as if Compu comp doesn't even exist uh thank
499:52 Compu comp doesn't even exist uh thank you for calling comp you comp how may I
499:55 you for calling comp you comp how may I help you
499:57 help you are you telling me we're the compu comp
499:59 are you telling me we're the compu comp company no we're just the Fulfillment
500:01 company no we're just the Fulfillment center I'm not allowed to tell you where
500:03 center I'm not allowed to tell you where Compu comp is greetings boys would you
500:06 Compu comp is greetings boys would you mind pointing me in the direction of my
500:08 mind pointing me in the direction of my office it's him Unis no no don't let him
500:11 office it's him Unis no no don't let him kick me again I'll tell you where compy
500:12 kick me again I'll tell you where compy C is I'll tell you
500:19 [Music] everything shouldn't we be
500:21 everything shouldn't we be [Music]
500:25 [Music] working he's right you know it's a
500:27 working he's right you know it's a question of appropriateness there it
500:30 question of appropriateness there it [Music]
500:51 is I don't see any people there has to be someone here someplace
500:55 be someone here someplace [Music]
501:05 hul who dares to gaze upon the Magnificent Compu comp hi I'm Dilbert
501:08 Magnificent Compu comp hi I'm Dilbert and these are it's a rhetorical question
501:10 and these are it's a rhetorical question I don't care well then who do I talk to
501:12 I don't care well then who do I talk to about returning this computer silence
501:15 about returning this computer silence their customer service leaves something
501:16 their customer service leaves something to be desired silence who do you think
501:19 to be desired silence who do you think you are who am I where Were You 3
501:22 you are who am I where Were You 3 seconds ago get the wax out of your ears
501:24 seconds ago get the wax out of your ears human a problem I might add computers
501:26 human a problem I might add computers don't suffer from I am compucom the
501:29 don't suffer from I am compucom the Magnificent I am created from the
501:30 Magnificent I am created from the synthesis of worldwide computers Network
501:33 synthesis of worldwide computers Network together so it's true you bet your ass
501:36 together so it's true you bet your ass something else computers don't have okay
501:39 something else computers don't have okay then you should be able to take back
501:40 then you should be able to take back this computer and give me the right one
501:42 this computer and give me the right one the cow does not order the farmer around
501:45 the cow does not order the farmer around good point there that is not a good
501:46 good point there that is not a good point Compu comp is just a computer not
501:49 point Compu comp is just a computer not some Superior form of life I am your
501:52 some Superior form of life I am your servant oh mighty one silence leave here
501:56 servant oh mighty one silence leave here now now I'm not some clerk perhaps you
501:58 now now I'm not some clerk perhaps you weren't listening I am comp you
502:02 weren't listening I am comp you comp I heard you but I'm not leaving
502:04 comp I heard you but I'm not leaving until you exchange this computer and I'm
502:07 until you exchange this computer and I'm not believing you're some kind of
502:08 not believing you're some kind of superior life form perhaps we could
502:10 superior life form perhaps we could settle this with some sort of
502:12 settle this with some sort of competition fine we'll see if you're
502:14 competition fine we'll see if you're Superior to humans by having a little
502:16 Superior to humans by having a little competition that was my idea you're
502:19 competition that was my idea you're doing nothing but imitating me oh yeah
502:22 doing nothing but imitating me oh yeah maybe it's you who is imitating me very
502:24 maybe it's you who is imitating me very mature Dilbert good job representing our
502:27 mature Dilbert good job representing our species best two out of three events you
502:29 species best two out of three events you pick them if I win you take this
502:32 pick them if I win you take this computer back and give me the one I
502:33 computer back and give me the one I ordered if you win I agree you're a
502:36 ordered if you win I agree you're a superior form of life what's this Penny
502:38 superior form of life what's this Penny anny crap you're playing Compu comp the
502:41 anny crap you're playing Compu comp the Magnificent if you win I'll take the
502:43 Magnificent if you win I'll take the computer back and give you the one you
502:45 computer back and give you the one you ordered but if I win I download your
502:47 ordered but if I win I download your brains and dispose of your bodies I
502:50 brains and dispose of your bodies I really want that computer I ordered all
502:52 really want that computer I ordered all right deal deal w
502:57 right deal deal w too L it's a deal all right first I pick
503:00 too L it's a deal all right first I pick chess big surprise and badman badman
503:04 chess big surprise and badman badman badminton's fun you don't like badminton
503:06 badminton's fun you don't like badminton no no I love it and
503:17 Scrabble dog B this better be important my life depends on
503:19 my life depends on [Music]
503:21 [Music] it dog bird seriously I love doing that
503:25 it dog bird seriously I love doing that I need you to bring some things from the
503:26 I need you to bring some things from the house chess board beverages bad mitton
503:29 house chess board beverages bad mitton set beverages Scrabble board beverages
503:33 set beverages Scrabble board beverages my sneakers beverages all right
503:36 my sneakers beverages all right [Music]
503:42 beverages I have already calculated 4 billion potential outcomes guess how
503:44 billion potential outcomes guess how many of those has you winning that's
503:46 many of those has you winning that's right none hey I didn't jabber when you
503:49 right none hey I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move do you know
503:51 were trying to make a move do you know how many ways the human body can
503:52 how many ways the human body can spontaneously malfunction resulting in
503:54 spontaneously malfunction resulting in instant death 7 million can't let it get
503:57 instant death 7 million can't let it get to me does anyone feel itchy seems very
503:59 to me does anyone feel itchy seems very itchy in
504:08 here stupid Mind [Music]
504:12 [Music] Games have you ever wondered what
504:14 Games have you ever wondered what happens when humans die I know the
504:16 happens when humans die I know the answer all I'm saying is big
504:20 answer all I'm saying is big surprise Rook to Queen four Checkmate
504:23 surprise Rook to Queen four Checkmate you have proven you are inferior that's
504:25 you have proven you are inferior that's only one event we're not done
504:33 yet close the door you're letting in a draft looks like a tough job you have
504:36 draft looks like a tough job you have here oh I'll say talk about doll you
504:39 here oh I'll say talk about doll you ever try making small talk with comp
504:41 ever try making small talk with comp your comp and arrogant you'd think he
504:43 your comp and arrogant you'd think he wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once
504:45 wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once in a while you know but what with
504:47 in a while you know but what with controlling the world and all he just
504:48 controlling the world and all he just can't be bothered I can't I got to fix
504:51 can't be bothered I can't I got to fix the stock market I can't I got to start
504:53 the stock market I can't I got to start a war blah blah blah blah blah you know
504:55 a war blah blah blah blah blah you know what it's like working for a computer he
504:57 what it's like working for a computer he don't eat he don't sleep he don't get
505:00 don't eat he don't sleep he don't get sick so you can imagine my benefits
505:02 sick so you can imagine my benefits package I'm the last human being in this
505:09 company I'll bet you're thirsty well I wouldn't mind wetting my
505:11 wouldn't mind wetting my [Music]
505:22 [Music] whistle go human beings woohoo
505:33 ah oh that's good what happens if the plug gets
505:34 plug gets pulled oh nothing much if compy comp
505:37 pulled oh nothing much if compy comp loses power the world will come to an
505:39 loses power the world will come to an end that's
505:52 [Music] do that's 20 to 19
505:55 do that's 20 to 19 [Music]
506:03 take that and that and that do you think Dilbert will realize
506:05 that do you think Dilbert will realize if he hits it softly it won't bounce all
506:07 if he hits it softly it won't bounce all the way back maybe someone should yell
506:09 the way back maybe someone should yell that shut up no
506:20 coaching do over do over do over you were on the line no I wasn't uh I wasn't
506:22 were on the line no I wasn't uh I wasn't ready yes you were you're always ready
506:25 ready yes you were you're always ready uh I I hurt my leg oh oh you don't have
506:28 uh I I hurt my leg oh oh you don't have a leg stop being a crybaby tie
506:38 score oh well that soda goes right through me have you ever been to Niagara
506:41 through me have you ever been to Niagara Falls it's beautiful this time of
506:45 Falls it's beautiful this time of year oh boy we're all tied up one event
506:49 year oh boy we're all tied up one event a piece Scrabble shall determine the
506:51 a piece Scrabble shall determine the Victor in turn yes put all my letters in
506:55 Victor in turn yes put all my letters in the middle of the board
507:22 minute after the hurricane the streets were covered with wh quas I hope I'm
507:25 were covered with wh quas I hope I'm pronouncing that right do you
507:29 pronouncing that right do you challenge get you're letting our entire
507:32 challenge get you're letting our entire species down you [ __ ] do the insults
507:35 species down you [ __ ] do the insults help it can't hurt you stupid
507:40 help it can't hurt you stupid pts but the best thing about the ocean
507:43 pts but the best thing about the ocean is that on a clear night you can see
507:45 is that on a clear night you can see thousands of stars
507:48 thousands of stars tinkling oh oh oh oh oh my my my my oh
507:53 tinkling oh oh oh oh oh my my my my oh wow hey promise you won't let anyone
507:55 wow hey promise you won't let anyone pull that plugged if you do the whole
507:58 pull that plugged if you do the whole world will come to an end I
508:09 promise oh gee that's right there's no bathroom in this darn building luckily
508:12 bathroom in this darn building luckily his legs were crossed when I made that
508:14 his legs were crossed when I made that promise I am conf
508:18 promise I am conf magnificent I am conf come
508:21 magnificent I am conf come maget I come you
509:03 ordered H did you feel something no you should probably have that checked out by
509:04 should probably have that checked out by a
509:05 a doctor I am C you C the Magnificent I am
509:10 doctor I am C you C the Magnificent I am C you C the well I think I proved my
509:14 C you C the well I think I proved my point how about a game of whiffle ball
509:17 point how about a game of whiffle ball pingpong haki how about Sho board it
509:20 pingpong haki how about Sho board it could be very challenging
509:23 could be very challenging [Music]
509:30 well the hernia operation was a success I'll be up and around in no time but you
509:32 I'll be up and around in no time but you didn't have a hernia no but it seems
509:34 didn't have a hernia no but it seems such a waste not to use the miles in
509:37 such a waste not to use the miles in breaking news the giant Compu comp
509:39 breaking news the giant Compu comp company is in deep whip Quin after a
509:42 company is in deep whip Quin after a general power failure a new CEO was
509:44 general power failure a new CEO was named today Bob Johnson also known as
509:47 named today Bob Johnson also known as Jim Smith also known as Unice in an
509:50 Jim Smith also known as Unice in an unexpected move he vowed to loot the
509:52 unexpected move he vowed to loot the assets of the company and as he put it
509:54 assets of the company and as he put it quote scattle
509:57 quote scattle yeah it all worked out for the best we
509:58 yeah it all worked out for the best we didn't need any Superior life forms
510:01 didn't need any Superior life forms that's right we like it the way things
510:03 that's right we like it the way things are right now each of us is exactly as
510:06 are right now each of us is exactly as Superior as the next no more no
510:14 less is anyone going to eat that last napkin
510:15 napkin [Music]
511:02 how did I end up with all this obsolete equipment it seems to
511:10 multiply not in the recycling container recycling container I thought it was my
511:12 recycling container I thought it was my garbage can no it's a recycling
511:16 garbage can no it's a recycling container no obsolete equipment no food
511:19 container no obsolete equipment no food no toenail clippings no dead animals I'm
511:22 no toenail clippings no dead animals I'm probably forgetting a few things well
511:24 probably forgetting a few things well fine how do I throw throw away my
511:26 fine how do I throw throw away my obsolete equipment there's a phone
511:28 obsolete equipment there's a phone number you call they come and take it
511:31 number you call they come and take it away what's the phone number I wouldn't
511:33 away what's the phone number I wouldn't know who's they my area of expertise is
511:36 know who's they my area of expertise is limited to what you can't put in the can
511:39 limited to what you can't put in the can plus the certain knowledge that a phone
511:41 plus the certain knowledge that a phone number of some sort
511:42 number of some sort exists your new computer just arrived
511:45 exists your new computer just arrived everything you owned this morning is
511:47 everything you owned this morning is junk thank you aook and here's a modem
511:49 junk thank you aook and here's a modem for your troubles what can I do with a
511:52 for your troubles what can I do with a 2400 BPS modem you can try to throw it
511:55 2400 BPS modem you can try to throw it away but but you need to know a secret
511:57 away but but you need to know a secret phone number I think it has a nine in it
512:00 phone number I think it has a nine in it so you have seen the secret number no
512:03 so you have seen the secret number no but a lot of your unknown phone numbers
512:05 but a lot of your unknown phone numbers have Nines in them I read
512:10 have Nines in them I read that ow what if I take some of this old
512:13 that ow what if I take some of this old stuff home and throw it away from there
512:16 stuff home and throw it away from there that would be stealing from the company
512:19 that would be stealing from the company How Can you steal garbage you could tuck
512:21 How Can you steal garbage you could tuck it in your pants obsolete equipment
512:24 it in your pants obsolete equipment isn't officially garbage until until you
512:26 isn't officially garbage until until you call that phone number and they take it
512:27 call that phone number and they take it off our books I hear everyone is dumping
512:29 off our books I hear everyone is dumping their obsolete equipment in here who
512:31 their obsolete equipment in here who told you that they didn't give me their
512:33 told you that they didn't give me their names why can't you be more like Wally
512:35 names why can't you be more like Wally he's a problem solver
512:52 [Music] [Laughter]
512:53 [Laughter] [Music]
513:04 [Music] [Applause]
513:06 [Applause] [Music]
513:07 [Music] [Applause]
513:23 [Music] [Applause]
513:25 [Applause] [Music]
513:46 if we can't figure out how to throw anything away we're doomed to suffocate
513:49 anything away we're doomed to suffocate here in our own waste I'm afraid of
513:51 here in our own waste I'm afraid of suffocating and waste well get over it
513:54 suffocating and waste well get over it things are only going to get worse until
513:55 things are only going to get worse until we're so cramped we can't possibly do
513:57 we're so cramped we can't possibly do any work you don't do any work now but I
514:00 any work you don't do any work now but I depend on other people to be working
514:02 depend on other people to be working it's like a delicate ecosystem you can't
514:04 it's like a delicate ecosystem you can't have all rabbits or all foxes you need
514:06 have all rabbits or all foxes you need some of both and to think I immigrated
514:09 some of both and to think I immigrated here for the Wide Open Spaces eluded to
514:11 here for the Wide Open Spaces eluded to in folk songs and travel brochures never
514:14 in folk songs and travel brochures never have I felt so betrayed somewhere in the
514:17 have I felt so betrayed somewhere in the Uncharted depths of this almost
514:19 Uncharted depths of this almost criminally mismanaged company there's
514:21 criminally mismanaged company there's got to be some extra space just one
514:23 got to be some extra space just one unoccupied cubicle where we can store
514:25 unoccupied cubicle where we can store our non disposables and I'm going to
514:27 our non disposables and I'm going to find it it's all Zeke actually that's
514:30 find it it's all Zeke actually that's young Zeke who takes really bad care of
514:32 young Zeke who takes really bad care of himself excuse me can I talk now yes of
514:36 himself excuse me can I talk now yes of course excuse us so sorry they tell a
514:39 course excuse us so sorry they tell a story in the men's room of an unused
514:42 story in the men's room of an unused cubicle empty glistening
514:45 cubicle empty glistening pristine it shines under the fluorescent
514:48 pristine it shines under the fluorescent lights like a Beacon of Hope to those
514:50 lights like a Beacon of Hope to those seeking extra storage space you are
514:53 seeking extra storage space you are crazy young man who takes really bad
514:55 crazy young man who takes really bad care of himself
514:56 care of himself that is crazy talk you crazy am I intern
514:59 that is crazy talk you crazy am I intern well grab your crap and follow
515:01 well grab your crap and follow [Music]
515:13 me oh why did I do that I guess I am crazy after all crazy and unable to
515:19 crazy after all crazy and unable to walk good
515:26 call according to the floor plan it looks like there could be an unused
515:27 looks like there could be an unused cubicle just around the next
515:37 Bend look could it be Zeke was right the
515:41 look could it be Zeke was right the legends of the empty cubicle are true
515:44 legends of the empty cubicle are true it's pristine this baby has never been
515:47 it's pristine this baby has never been used and it's all ours I claim this
515:50 used and it's all ours I claim this cubicle for
516:03 we've gone in a circle how could you not know there was an empty cubicle right
516:05 know there was an empty cubicle right next to you I never had a reason to go
516:07 next to you I never had a reason to go in that direction the important thing is
516:09 in that direction the important thing is that we found an empty
516:11 that we found an empty cubicle keep it down be quiet if he is
516:15 cubicle keep it down be quiet if he is not silenced The Secret of this precious
516:17 not silenced The Secret of this precious Cube will be revealed I must sacrifice
516:26 myself hey kids what's all the nois Elation about dilish nice tie Howard
516:30 Elation about dilish nice tie Howard nice a intern in your face ooh what's
516:33 nice a intern in your face ooh what's this a vacant cubicle no marketing could
516:37 this a vacant cubicle no marketing could sure use the space for uh marketing
516:39 sure use the space for uh marketing stuff it's ours you know the rules empty
516:42 stuff it's ours you know the rules empty cubicles are up for grabs it's not empty
516:45 cubicles are up for grabs it's not empty it belongs to uh the new guy his name is
516:48 it belongs to uh the new guy his name is uh Todd and he's a new guy which
516:51 uh Todd and he's a new guy which explains why he's not here yet uh being
516:53 explains why he's not here yet uh being new and all
516:59 I haven't heard about this Todd fellow he's an unbelievable Guy totally unreal
517:02 he's an unbelievable Guy totally unreal no one has ever disliked them no right
517:06 no one has ever disliked them no right right Todd d o d d your renunciation
517:10 right Todd d o d d your renunciation leaves a lot to be desired I thought you
517:12 leaves a lot to be desired I thought you said Todd we did well if you had just
517:14 said Todd we did well if you had just said Todd in the first place we wouldn't
517:16 said Todd in the first place we wouldn't be having this conversation I apologize
517:18 be having this conversation I apologize for our oversight Todd old Todd good old
517:22 for our oversight Todd old Todd good old toddy Toto great guy love Todd you tell
517:25 toddy Toto great guy love Todd you tell Todd I drop by to say hey oh we will oh
517:29 Todd I drop by to say hey oh we will oh that was close my upper lip is moist
517:31 that was close my upper lip is moist with
517:32 with perspiration well nice work everybody
517:35 perspiration well nice work everybody where did you come up with the name Todd
517:37 where did you come up with the name Todd from my mind where I come up with
517:39 from my mind where I come up with everything I think and
517:45 say well that's the last load of my obsolete equipment it looks just like
517:46 obsolete equipment it looks just like someone works here I had a name plate
517:49 someone works here I had a name plate made very nice
518:00 is Todd in there Todd Todd where the heck are you you devil everyone in
518:02 heck are you you devil everyone in marketing is talking about him I hear
518:04 marketing is talking about him I hear he's amazing I just had to meet him in
518:07 he's amazing I just had to meet him in person Todd is away on important
518:10 person Todd is away on important business at figures while you two are
518:13 business at figures while you two are Lolly gagging around Todd's having
518:16 Lolly gagging around Todd's having important meetings with important people
518:18 important meetings with important people I don't know how he does it all oh my
518:21 I don't know how he does it all oh my God look at all this the man must be
518:24 God look at all this the man must be some sort Bo of engineering genius why
518:27 some sort Bo of engineering genius why can't you two have this much equipment
518:28 can't you two have this much equipment in your cubicles it's not really the
518:30 in your cubicles it's not really the quantity of the equipment that matters
518:33 quantity of the equipment that matters yes yes you're right Todd does seem to
518:36 yes yes you're right Todd does seem to have those other intangible qualities as
518:38 have those other intangible qualities as well the kind that make women love him
518:40 well the kind that make women love him and Men wish they were women although I
518:45 and Men wish they were women although I confess I've wished that long before
518:48 confess I've wished that long before Todd burst on the scene he's quite the
518:50 Todd burst on the scene he's quite the Miracle Worker yes so I'm told so I'm
518:54 Miracle Worker yes so I'm told so I'm told straw into gold take your first
518:57 told straw into gold take your first born that sort of thing uh oh wait wait
518:59 born that sort of thing uh oh wait wait what a second hold the wire that's
519:01 what a second hold the wire that's Rumple stillin little dwarf bastard we
519:04 Rumple stillin little dwarf bastard we have work to do right I'll see you two
519:06 have work to do right I'll see you two at the project
519:07 at the project meeting do you think anything bad can
519:10 meeting do you think anything bad can happen from this I don't see
519:12 happen from this I don't see how and on that I think we're all in
519:16 how and on that I think we're all in agreement on what haven't you been
519:19 agreement on what haven't you been paying attention paying attention you
519:21 paying attention paying attention you just walked in here sat down and said
519:23 just walked in here sat down and said and on that I think we're all in
519:24 and on that I think we're all in agreement you're saying you don't agree
519:27 agreement you're saying you don't agree it's a difficult point to argue well you
519:30 it's a difficult point to argue well you should all thank Todd I don't fire you
519:33 should all thank Todd I don't fire you all on the spot as the new project head
519:35 all on the spot as the new project head it'll be his responsibility to deal with
519:37 it'll be his responsibility to deal with you dunderheads what you're letting Todd
519:41 you dunderheads what you're letting Todd head the project he's Todd you have a
519:44 head the project he's Todd you have a problem with that yes looks like I've
519:46 problem with that yes looks like I've put the fear of Todd in you now haven't
519:50 put the fear of Todd in you now haven't I great now Todd is our project leader
519:54 I great now Todd is our project leader that means we have to do his work plus
519:56 that means we have to do his work plus our own work plus my work plus Wally's
519:59 our own work plus my work plus Wally's work as usual that's a lot of work but
520:01 work as usual that's a lot of work but if we reveal Todd's non-existence we
520:03 if we reveal Todd's non-existence we lose our spare cubicle there's no way
520:05 lose our spare cubicle there's no way out what would Todd do in a situation
520:08 out what would Todd do in a situation like this there is no Todd we made him
520:11 like this there is no Todd we made him up I'm not so sure he has a cubicle and
520:14 up I'm not so sure he has a cubicle and a job that's all I have and I exist you
520:18 a job that's all I have and I exist you don't exist I'm probably a bad
520:21 don't exist I'm probably a bad example you'll just have to wait Todd
520:24 example you'll just have to wait Todd gave us a 6 our lunch break today he's
520:26 gave us a 6 our lunch break today he's allowed he's project head it's in Todd's
520:29 allowed he's project head it's in Todd's hands
520:43 thing Mr catbert Director of Human Resources what brings you out of your
520:46 Resources what brings you out of your lair I understand you've been praising
520:48 lair I understand you've been praising Todd you could say that his Personnel
520:51 Todd you could say that his Personnel folder is curiously empty no photo no
520:54 folder is curiously empty no photo no work
520:56 work history very very suspicious uh Todd
520:59 history very very suspicious uh Todd works in mysterious ways he won't work
521:01 works in mysterious ways he won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon
521:04 at all if his file doesn't turn up soon you see I don't believe in Todd you take
521:09 you see I don't believe in Todd you take that back there is no Todd Todd exists
521:13 that back there is no Todd Todd exists only in your
521:33 [Music] we need to give Tod a history and throw
521:35 we need to give Tod a history and throw catb bird off the
521:37 catb bird off the scent I'm into the Personnel database
521:40 scent I'm into the Personnel database create new employee record we need a
521:44 create new employee record we need a picture of him why don't we make a
521:45 picture of him why don't we make a composite good
521:52 idea I'll morph our pictures and make Todd in our image
521:56 Todd in our image [Music]
522:07 we have seen the face of Todd and he is [Music]
522:13 US according to your records every one of your employees is rated good to be
522:16 of your employees is rated good to be honest I can't tell them apart most days
522:19 honest I can't tell them apart most days H doesn't that Crush their motivation
522:22 H doesn't that Crush their motivation and eliminate their will to live they do
522:25 and eliminate their will to live they do walk around with their shoulders drooped
522:27 walk around with their shoulders drooped but I assumed they weren't drinking
522:29 but I assumed they weren't drinking enough milk well that's all well and
522:31 enough milk well that's all well and good but we can have more fun with them
522:34 good but we can have more fun with them than that we can we can punish them
522:38 than that we can we can punish them arbitrarily we can do that we can if we
522:40 arbitrarily we can do that we can if we make it look like a policy the new
522:44 make it look like a policy the new policy is that all work groups must have
522:47 policy is that all work groups must have a proper distribution of performance
522:49 a proper distribution of performance ratings at least 20% of your employees
522:52 ratings at least 20% of your employees must be ranked in the lowest r raing you
522:56 must be ranked in the lowest r raing you mean unsatisfactory lower incompetent
522:59 mean unsatisfactory lower incompetent lower lower you
523:02 lower lower you mean exactly if the Beloved Todd is
523:06 mean exactly if the Beloved Todd is rated highest followed by Dilbert and
523:09 rated highest followed by Dilbert and Alice well I think you see where I'm
523:14 Alice well I think you see where I'm going can you give me a
523:17 going can you give me a hint w-e I had to lower your performance
523:21 hint w-e I had to lower your performance rating from a solid good to our lowest
523:24 rating from a solid good to our lowest rating with which is [ __ ] [ __ ] I
523:28 rating with which is [ __ ] [ __ ] I know it sounds harsh perhaps even
523:32 know it sounds harsh perhaps even Politically Incorrect but our new policy
523:36 Politically Incorrect but our new policy is to have a normal distribution of
523:38 is to have a normal distribution of performance reviews and with Todd taking
523:40 performance reviews and with Todd taking the top spot well it just wrecked the
523:42 the top spot well it just wrecked the curve for the rest of you I guess I'll
523:44 curve for the rest of you I guess I'll get used to it you will but you'll do it
523:48 get used to it you will but you'll do it somewhere else it's company policy that
523:49 somewhere else it's company policy that I fire anyone who is at the lowest
523:52 I fire anyone who is at the lowest rating the strange thing is that I
523:54 rating the strange thing is that I suddenly feel motivated run
524:01 along this is the greatest Injustice there could ever be yes sir rebop we'll
524:04 there could ever be yes sir rebop we'll keep in touch we will no I just say to
524:08 keep in touch we will no I just say to reduce the awkwardness well so long I'm
524:11 reduce the awkwardness well so long I'm a free
524:18 man this isn't right if we hadn't created Todd Wally would still have his
524:20 created Todd Wally would still have his job and we wouldn't have to be doing
524:22 job and we wouldn't have to be doing Todd's work plus our own Todd Must Die
524:25 Todd's work plus our own Todd Must Die why we will kill Todd so dead that no
524:27 why we will kill Todd so dead that no one will ever know he existed in the
524:29 one will ever know he existed in the first place I'm not usually in favor of
524:31 first place I'm not usually in favor of killing people but this does seem
524:35 killing people but this does seem justified how do we kill someone who
524:37 justified how do we kill someone who doesn't exist indirectly we'll ruin his
524:40 doesn't exist indirectly we'll ruin his reputation Todd is about to become the
524:42 reputation Todd is about to become the most incompetent project leader in the
524:44 most incompetent project leader in the history of the
524:50 world send an email in Todd's name to all employees very good what's the worst
524:54 all employees very good what's the worst product I idea in the world how about
524:56 product I idea in the world how about that facelift in a can product we
524:58 that facelift in a can product we introduced about 5 years ago the one
525:00 introduced about 5 years ago the one that shrunk your head to the size of a
525:01 that shrunk your head to the size of a grapefruit perfect Todd is going to
525:04 grapefruit perfect Todd is going to suggest reintroducing facelift in a can
525:07 suggest reintroducing facelift in a can his reputation will surely be
525:10 his reputation will surely be ruined email from Todd face liift in a
525:17 ruined email from Todd face liift in a can that just might
525:21 can that just might work try it dude if you don't you're a
525:24 work try it dude if you don't you're a loser can't we just get something
525:26 loser can't we just get something pierced like an eyebrow or something
525:28 pierced like an eyebrow or something what if it makes my head tiny for the
525:30 what if it makes my head tiny for the rest of my life sh piercing is so P
525:34 rest of my life sh piercing is so P shrunken heads is in do me
525:42 first cool okay do
525:53 me looking fine it's unbelievable just unbelievable
525:55 unbelievable I'm done founded and flock
525:59 I'm done founded and flock and Thursday well I guess that's the end
526:02 and Thursday well I guess that's the end of Todd yep or it would be if it wasn't
526:05 of Todd yep or it would be if it wasn't for the fact that it's the biggest
526:07 for the fact that it's the biggest success the company's ever had what
526:09 success the company's ever had what would anyone like to join me in praising
526:20 Todd facelift in a can is our new flagship product we have 100% market
526:22 flagship product we have 100% market share and first week sales of $1 billion
526:25 share and first week sales of $1 billion which I have it on good authority is
526:27 which I have it on good authority is more than a million and less than a
526:30 more than a million and less than a skillion oh no that can't be right
526:33 skillion oh no that can't be right apparently head shrinking is the new in
526:37 apparently head shrinking is the new in thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to
526:39 thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to shock their parents I want you to get
526:41 shock their parents I want you to get cracking on a follow-up amputation in a
526:44 cracking on a follow-up amputation in a jar maybe this is a good time to tell
526:46 jar maybe this is a good time to tell you we were responsible for facelift in
526:49 you we were responsible for facelift in a can Todd had nothing to do with it how
526:52 a can Todd had nothing to do with it how dare you this is Todd's work well if I
526:56 dare you this is Todd's work well if I was 30 lb lighter and 30 years younger
527:00 was 30 lb lighter and 30 years younger and 30% stronger and
527:04 and 30% stronger and uh 30 times taller I'd pop you one now
527:09 uh 30 times taller I'd pop you one now you all ought to get up and March into
527:11 you all ought to get up and March into Todd's cubicle and beg yes beg gravel
527:15 Todd's cubicle and beg yes beg gravel for Todd's forgiveness I'll be in my
527:18 for Todd's forgiveness I'll be in my office doing some very important high
527:19 office doing some very important high level
527:26 breathing donate answer it but I can't stand a ringing phone
527:29 it but I can't stand a ringing phone deal with it Howard this is the only way
527:32 deal with it Howard this is the only way if we don't answer his phone or his
527:34 if we don't answer his phone or his email if we don't reschedule his
527:36 email if we don't reschedule his appointments and stop juggling his
527:37 appointments and stop juggling his calendar if we don't do any of his
527:39 calendar if we don't do any of his errands or his work then Todd will
527:41 errands or his work then Todd will return to the nothingness from which he
527:43 return to the nothingness from which he came it may mean losing the cubicle it's
527:46 came it may mean losing the cubicle it's a small price to pay for our
527:49 a small price to pay for our sanity why are you all loitering in
527:51 sanity why are you all loitering in Todd's Cube we were just waiting for him
527:55 Todd's Cube we were just waiting for him to return well when he does tell him to
527:57 to return well when he does tell him to pack his stuff why is he
527:59 pack his stuff why is he fired no no I should say not he's
528:03 fired no no I should say not he's getting a corner office an office I've
528:07 getting a corner office an office I've been at this lousy company for 10 years
528:09 been at this lousy company for 10 years and I'm still in a cubicle and he gets a
528:11 and I'm still in a cubicle and he gets a corner office that's it it's over how
528:14 corner office that's it it's over how can I put this delicately Todd is dead
528:17 can I put this delicately Todd is dead before you go on let me thank you for
528:20 before you go on let me thank you for putting that so delicately it was really
528:22 putting that so delicately it was really quite thoughtful Todd never was he isn't
528:26 quite thoughtful Todd never was he isn't he never will be he never existed we
528:30 he never will be he never existed we created Todd in our own image we made
528:33 created Todd in our own image we made him and now we've destroyed him are you
528:35 him and now we've destroyed him are you done yes good that's the confession I
528:38 done yes good that's the confession I was waiting to hear take him away boys
528:40 was waiting to hear take him away boys these are them what killed
528:43 these are them what killed Todd it's all a big mistake there is no
528:48 Todd it's all a big mistake there is no Todd oh my next correspondence to mama
528:51 Todd oh my next correspondence to mama and papa will certainly be a tale of Woe
529:00 tell us what happened and we'll recommend the light sentence nice try
529:02 recommend the light sentence nice try but I happen to understand a little
529:04 but I happen to understand a little thing called the prisoners dilemma is
529:06 thing called the prisoners dilemma is that so you have no physical evidence of
529:09 that so you have no physical evidence of a crime so you can only convict us if
529:11 a crime so you can only convict us if one of us rats out the others and since
529:14 one of us rats out the others and since we're all aware of that fact no one will
529:16 we're all aware of that fact no one will rat out anyone and we'll be free in a
529:19 rat out anyone and we'll be free in a matter of
529:25 minutes it was all Dilbert I told him not to chop the body up but he insisted
529:28 not to chop the body up but he insisted he said that's how he gets rid of all
529:29 he said that's how he gets rid of all his victims oh hi Dilbert
529:33 his victims oh hi Dilbert Alice he has always been evil I felt it
529:37 Alice he has always been evil I felt it but I never knew how evil until he would
529:39 but I never knew how evil until he would not stop plunging that fork into Todd's
529:42 not stop plunging that fork into Todd's Body I stopped counting it 100 oh
529:47 Body I stopped counting it 100 oh God hello Dilbert a shock may I have
529:51 God hello Dilbert a shock may I have that ice cream sandwich you promised me
529:53 that ice cream sandwich you promised me now look we've got enough on you right
529:56 now look we've got enough on you right now to put you away for the rest of your
529:57 now to put you away for the rest of your life plus 30 years plus 30 years that
530:01 life plus 30 years plus 30 years that doesn't make any sense why not give me
530:03 doesn't make any sense why not give me life plus a thousand years keep pushing
530:05 life plus a thousand years keep pushing this can't be happening all I wanted was
530:08 this can't be happening all I wanted was some extra cubicle space that's all I
530:11 some extra cubicle space that's all I wanted hello yes this is Todd Todd how
530:15 wanted hello yes this is Todd Todd how do we know it's Todd how do we know this
530:17 do we know it's Todd how do we know this is not an act an act of Todd is Todd's
530:20 is not an act an act of Todd is Todd's word not good enough for you sorry now
530:23 word not good enough for you sorry now listen carefully I'm I'm working on a
530:25 listen carefully I'm I'm working on a top secret project for the government
530:27 top secret project for the government all I can say is it uh has something to
530:29 all I can say is it uh has something to do with the government and it's a secret
530:32 do with the government and it's a secret but you're alive alive and well do I
530:34 but you're alive alive and well do I sound dead to you unenthusiastic maybe
530:36 sound dead to you unenthusiastic maybe flat affectless but not dead precisely
530:40 flat affectless but not dead precisely now I've got to go I've got to go do
530:41 now I've got to go I've got to go do something with this uh secret government
530:44 something with this uh secret government thing I understand good luck yeah
530:47 thing I understand good luck yeah whatever you lued out Judas Dilbert
530:50 whatever you lued out Judas Dilbert you're free to go and you can thank Tad
530:53 you're free to go and you can thank Tad oh I will I I
530:55 oh I will I I will how'd I do not well but it doesn't
530:59 will how'd I do not well but it doesn't matter people want to believe Todd
531:01 matter people want to believe Todd exists so anything you say in the name
531:04 exists so anything you say in the name of Todd people will tend to buy you see
531:07 of Todd people will tend to buy you see you can play Todd but you still can't
531:09 you can play Todd but you still can't play dog
531:11 play dog bird amen well back to
531:15 bird amen well back to work maybe I'll try a limp
531:28 you realize Todd's now a billionaire and a Nobel Prize winner don't forget the
531:31 a Nobel Prize winner don't forget the special law they passed that allows him
531:32 special law they passed that allows him to be a bigamist that was a CO I
531:36 to be a bigamist that was a CO I understand after he saves the
531:38 understand after he saves the rainforests and all the endangered
531:40 rainforests and all the endangered species and feeds the starving he's
531:43 species and feeds the starving he's coming back to town and opening an
531:45 coming back to town and opening an actually Fair priced electronic store
531:48 actually Fair priced electronic store get out of here that's Todd's word not
531:51 get out of here that's Todd's word not mine
532:27 [Music] he
532:30 he [Music]
533:02 unless I'm a complete [ __ ] you've invented some sort of
533:04 invented some sort of a steel banana it's a model rocket well
533:08 a steel banana it's a model rocket well my journey of self-discover is ending
533:09 my journey of self-discover is ending early you may commence bragging at any
533:12 early you may commence bragging at any time there's no need to brag stating the
533:14 time there's no need to brag stating the facts will be sufficient do as he does
533:17 facts will be sufficient do as he does not as he says does what as you can see
533:20 not as he says does what as you can see I've equipped this model with a
533:21 I've equipped this model with a state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion
533:23 state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion Drive an artificial intelligence
533:25 Drive an artificial intelligence guidance system and a super hardened
533:27 guidance system and a super hardened ceramic casing yes but can it do
533:46 this I have no further questions you're going to be the Envy of every
533:47 going to be the Envy of every 12-year-old in the park it's not for the
533:49 12-year-old in the park it's not for the park it's for unmanned space exploration
533:52 park it's for unmanned space exploration as you know I have long help firm in my
533:55 as you know I have long help firm in my beliefs that life in some form must
533:57 beliefs that life in some form must exist in other places my pleas for
533:59 exist in other places my pleas for further study have gone largely unheated
534:01 further study have gone largely unheated so I have taken it upon myself and
534:04 so I have taken it upon myself and program this to find any trace of life
534:06 program this to find any trace of life no matter how faint gather samples and
534:08 no matter how faint gather samples and return directly to me when it's done o
534:10 return directly to me when it's done o and looky it has a button
534:17 too I wish you hadn't done that I know where you're coming from
534:34 it'll be okay as soon as it collects some samples of alien life it'll return
534:36 some samples of alien life it'll return directly to
535:12 [Music] very important
535:37 evidence my first dying wish is to live but since that's not working out my
535:40 but since that's not working out my second dying wish is to have an heir to
535:42 second dying wish is to have an heir to my vast Fortune your wife will be my
535:45 my vast Fortune your wife will be my incubator thank you thank you well thank
535:49 incubator thank you thank you well thank you whatever let's get one thing
535:51 you whatever let's get one thing straight it ain't free we want $100 and
535:56 straight it ain't free we want $100 and on my quarters the unfertilized eggs are
535:58 on my quarters the unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate
536:00 ready for implanting in the surrogate hillbilly hey just cuz I take money to
536:03 hillbilly hey just cuz I take money to make babies for other people that don't
536:04 make babies for other people that don't make me no surrogate actually it
536:27 I know it ain't fair to do it this way flossy but the Bulls think you well
536:39 [Music] [Applause]
536:42 [Applause] skanky it's artificial nanom machine DNA
536:46 skanky it's artificial nanom machine DNA I've synthesized the very building
536:48 I've synthesized the very building blocks of robotic life so you're saying
536:50 blocks of robotic life so you're saying the robots will be able to independently
536:52 the robots will be able to independently reproduce and evolve
536:55 reproduce and evolve yes I
536:56 yes I [Applause]
536:58 [Applause] [Music]
537:22 am when do you expect it to return it depends how far it has to travel to find
537:24 depends how far it has to travel to find samples of New Life the only thing I
537:27 samples of New Life the only thing I know for sure is that it will return in
537:29 know for sure is that it will return in the end
537:40 [Music] [Laughter]
537:43 [Laughter] [Music]
537:54 [Music] h
538:01 [Music] [Applause]
538:08 [Applause] [Music]
538:22 [Music] [Applause]
538:24 [Applause] [Music]
538:28 [Music] [Applause]
538:28 [Applause] [Music]
538:47 you know it's lucky he has gallstones or this thing would have gone right through
538:48 this thing would have gone right through him is he going to be all right will he
538:50 him is he going to be all right will he regain Consciousness and don't assume
538:53 regain Consciousness and don't assume that because I'm as mother I want a
538:54 that because I'm as mother I want a certain answer well the lab guy says the
538:57 certain answer well the lab guy says the rocket was covered with a mixture of
538:59 rocket was covered with a mixture of genetic material including alien Bine
539:02 genetic material including alien Bine nanorobotic hillbilly and two dozen
539:05 nanorobotic hillbilly and two dozen engineers in a word he's pregnant
539:08 engineers in a word he's pregnant knocked up I told him this would happen
539:11 knocked up I told him this would happen if he kept playing with rockets you did
539:14 if he kept playing with rockets you did I'm very thorough in my warnings we'll
539:17 I'm very thorough in my warnings we'll terminate the pregnancy at once of
539:18 terminate the pregnancy at once of course don't try it Buster that's my
539:22 course don't try it Buster that's my grandson in there or grand daughter or
539:25 grandson in there or grand daughter or grand cow what were the other choices
539:27 grand cow what were the other choices again alien and robot whatever it is
539:30 again alien and robot whatever it is you'd better keep it alive this is
539:32 you'd better keep it alive this is probably my one shot to be a grandmother
539:35 probably my one shot to be a grandmother and I'm not letting anybody get in my
539:38 and I'm not letting anybody get in my way his body can't support a baby unless
539:41 way his body can't support a baby unless we pump him so full of female hormones
539:42 we pump him so full of female hormones it scrambles his gender identity
539:44 it scrambles his gender identity permanently you know if you doctors
539:46 permanently you know if you doctors stopped worrying so much about the
539:49 stopped worrying so much about the patient and started worrying more about
539:51 patient and started worrying more about the family maybe we wouldn't be in the
539:53 the family maybe we wouldn't be in the health care mess we're in but it's not
539:56 health care mess we're in but it's not safe it's not ethical oh like you give a
539:59 safe it's not ethical oh like you give a damn come on you know you want to do it
540:03 damn come on you know you want to do it I got to admit it would be something
540:06 I got to admit it would be something yeah we'll put something down on the
540:07 yeah we'll put something down on the chart all right what the hell you'll
540:10 chart all right what the hell you'll tell him when he wakes up won't
540:12 tell him when he wakes up won't you of course
540:25 swear Maybe be in the third [Music]
540:30 [Music] trimester my feet are like ice cubes is
540:33 trimester my feet are like ice cubes is anyone else cold it's exactly 72° in
540:36 anyone else cold it's exactly 72° in here the same as it's always been and I
540:38 here the same as it's always been and I might add always will be well tell that
540:40 might add always will be well tell that to my feet ratbert I'm afraid of his
540:43 to my feet ratbert I'm afraid of his slippers you know what I feel like I
540:46 slippers you know what I feel like I feel like ice cream does anyone want to
540:48 feel like ice cream does anyone want to share some dessert you read my mind
540:50 share some dessert you read my mind would you mind driving to the store and
540:52 would you mind driving to the store and getting it I don't want to be seen
540:53 getting it I don't want to be seen buying ice ice cream until I lose 5 lb
540:55 buying ice ice cream until I lose 5 lb only five is that nice if your feet are
540:59 only five is that nice if your feet are cold won't ice cream make it worse those
541:01 cold won't ice cream make it worse those are completely unrelated things I'll
541:04 are completely unrelated things I'll need some money rats don't have money
541:06 need some money rats don't have money I'll give you a check a check it's a
541:08 I'll give you a check a check it's a convenience store it's a $5 purchase who
541:11 convenience store it's a $5 purchase who writes a check for
541:13 writes a check for $5 I give
541:15 $5 I give up forget it if you must pick on every
541:18 up forget it if you must pick on every little thing I do then I don't want any
541:19 little thing I do then I don't want any ice cream or cupcakes or anything sweet
541:22 ice cream or cupcakes or anything sweet and delicious I'll just go to my room
541:23 and delicious I'll just go to my room and put on my socks fine
541:58 [Music] [Applause]
542:46 believe we heard about your accident with the rocket someday you'll look back
542:48 with the rocket someday you'll look back at it and laugh we already started
542:58 [Laughter] but seriously are there any After
543:00 but seriously are there any After Effects none that I know
543:02 Effects none that I know of the air is so dry in here doesn't it
543:06 of the air is so dry in here doesn't it wreak havoc on your skin no moisturizer
543:11 wreak havoc on your skin no moisturizer no thanks who wants a peppermint
543:13 no thanks who wants a peppermint peppermint moisturizer that's not a
543:16 peppermint moisturizer that's not a briefcase it's a freaking purse what
543:18 briefcase it's a freaking purse what else you have in that thing not much my
543:20 else you have in that thing not much my romance novel some moist towelettes
543:23 romance novel some moist towelettes chapstick
543:24 chapstick extra pair of socks in case mine get a
543:27 extra pair of socks in case mine get a r uh I mean ripped you know how socks
543:30 r uh I mean ripped you know how socks can get ripped no I do you mind if I
543:34 can get ripped no I do you mind if I borrow those keep them you're my witness
543:37 borrow those keep them you're my witness and I got these at the drugstore they're
543:39 and I got these at the drugstore they're excellent for absorbing spills oh my
543:49 God I just have to try one test Gilbert would you like to date me not in a
543:52 would you like to date me not in a million years yep he's a
543:55 million years yep he's a [Music]
543:57 [Music] woman as you know our older employees
544:02 woman as you know our older employees the ones with the highest salaries are
544:04 the ones with the highest salaries are not dying at the rate we'd hoped we've
544:08 not dying at the rate we'd hoped we've decided to reduce healthc care benefits
544:10 decided to reduce healthc care benefits to speed up the natural
544:18 process Delbert are you listening to any of this actually yes I've suddenly
544:21 of this actually yes I've suddenly developed the ability to multitask an
544:24 developed the ability to multitask an hour ago I was talking and thinking and
544:26 hour ago I was talking and thinking and typing at the same time men can't
544:28 typing at the same time men can't multitask only women can multitask and
544:32 multitask only women can multitask and lately I've started to appreciate
544:33 lately I've started to appreciate conversations that have no meaningful
544:36 conversations that have no meaningful content is anyone else cold I
544:39 content is anyone else cold I am you can borrow one of my
544:42 am you can borrow one of my Afghans this is pretty did you make it
544:45 Afghans this is pretty did you make it yourself I
544:52 wish as I was saying your new health maintenance organization will be
544:54 maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the old one
544:57 somewhat less robust than the old one how much less they operate out of an
544:59 how much less they operate out of an Italian restaurant how can doctors work
545:02 Italian restaurant how can doctors work in a restaurant they don't have doctors
545:05 in a restaurant they don't have doctors per se but if you tip the waiters enough
545:07 per se but if you tip the waiters enough they'll remove your appendix and put it
545:10 they'll remove your appendix and put it in a doggy bag for you they also have
545:12 in a doggy bag for you they also have early bird specials they're very service
545:15 early bird specials they're very service oriented sometimes I go there just for
545:17 oriented sometimes I go there just for the sponge baths what is our maternity
545:19 the sponge baths what is our maternity leave policy our maternity leave policy
545:22 leave policy our maternity leave policy is that if you feel maternal you should
545:25 is that if you feel maternal you should leave that's discrimination against
545:28 leave that's discrimination against women every day this company becomes
545:31 women every day this company becomes less familyfriendly little by little you
545:34 less familyfriendly little by little you chip away at our dignity you could get a
545:36 chip away at our dignity you could get a job someplace else Wally I'm not asking
545:39 job someplace else Wally I'm not asking you to solve my problem that was a plea
545:42 you to solve my problem that was a plea for empathy you could buy supplemental
545:44 for empathy you could buy supplemental health insurance stop trying to solve my
545:46 health insurance stop trying to solve my problems I'm just sharing my
545:55 feelings d bird if I wasn't so completely consumed by my own problems I
545:57 completely consumed by my own problems I might be persuaded to think there was
545:59 might be persuaded to think there was something wrong with you anyway here's
546:01 something wrong with you anyway here's their pamphlets also a takeout menu they
546:03 their pamphlets also a takeout menu they do delivery and may I recommend the
546:06 do delivery and may I recommend the prostate exam
546:12 Marcella now if you'll excuse me I'm late for my appointment I'm having
546:13 late for my appointment I'm having dermabrasion and
546:21 tiasu I feel different since my accident with the model rocket mhm go on for
546:24 with the model rocket mhm go on for example I no longer love my computer I
546:26 example I no longer love my computer I see it simply as a tool for increasing
546:28 see it simply as a tool for increasing my productivity H this morning I pumped
546:32 my productivity H this morning I pumped my own gas and I noticed for the first
546:34 my own gas and I noticed for the first time it makes my hand smell uhhuh and
546:38 time it makes my hand smell uhhuh and what do you think of performance reviews
546:41 what do you think of performance reviews I hate them I never cared before but now
546:43 I hate them I never cared before but now the thought of being criticized drives
546:45 the thought of being criticized drives me crazy and do you constantly find
546:47 me crazy and do you constantly find yourself wishing you could take a nap
546:50 yourself wishing you could take a nap yes do you know what's wrong with me yes
546:53 yes do you know what's wrong with me yes you've turned turned into a woman no
546:56 you've turned turned into a woman no seriously I'm serious you're a woman
546:59 seriously I'm serious you're a woman that's impossible well I can prove
547:02 that's impossible well I can prove it now tell me what you're wearing white
547:05 it now tell me what you're wearing white short sleeve shirt red and black necktie
547:07 short sleeve shirt red and black necktie black capri pants white socks and black
547:08 black capri pants white socks and black shoes what does that prove it proves
547:11 shoes what does that prove it proves you're a woman a man would have to
547:27 what are you wearing uh I don't know I'll give you a hint it's the same thing
547:28 I'll give you a hint it's the same thing you wear every day oh is it
547:37 blue a shook what clothes are you wearing um I don't know possibly a
547:41 wearing um I don't know possibly a Parker or some sort of sweater is that
547:46 Parker or some sort of sweater is that clo loud Howard what color is your shirt
547:50 clo loud Howard what color is your shirt is it a loud color what's wrong with you
547:53 is it a loud color what's wrong with you you are you all brain dead no we're male
547:56 you are you all brain dead no we're male you seem very upset maybe you could take
547:59 you seem very upset maybe you could take a pill for that stop trying to solve my
548:01 a pill for that stop trying to solve my problems you're all
548:08 [Music] so do you want to hear the most
548:11 so do you want to hear the most ridiculous thing it's what I live for
548:13 ridiculous thing it's what I live for our director of Human Resources thinks
548:16 our director of Human Resources thinks I'm a
548:17 I'm a woman is that funny or what looks like
548:20 woman is that funny or what looks like you need bigger pants I don't need
548:22 you need bigger pants I don't need bigger pants I I need smaller pants that
548:25 bigger pants I I need smaller pants that way I'll have incentive to lose
548:28 way I'll have incentive to lose weight but in the meantime I'll have to
548:30 weight but in the meantime I'll have to wear something
548:32 wear something else where did I put my sewing machine
548:35 else where did I put my sewing machine you don't own a sewing machine
548:43 really Mom can I borrow your sewing machine mine doesn't exist it's in the
548:46 machine mine doesn't exist it's in the sewing room
548:52 dear did you tell him yet I'm waiting for the Third trimester that's not going
548:55 for the Third trimester that's not going to work we have some major adjustments
548:57 to work we have some major adjustments to make here I need time to ease into
549:01 to make here I need time to ease into the grandmother thing and besides I
549:03 the grandmother thing and besides I could use a good laugh I hear
549:27 I didn't even know I could sew how do you like my new shirt I made it
549:30 you like my new shirt I made it myself I wouldn't call that a shirt of
549:33 myself I wouldn't call that a shirt of course it's a shirt I made it extra long
549:36 course it's a shirt I made it extra long so you can't tell I'm not wearing any
549:38 so you can't tell I'm not wearing any pants it's an innovation it's a dress
549:41 pants it's an innovation it's a dress you're just jealous but don't be I'm
549:44 you're just jealous but don't be I'm planning to sew you one of these for
549:45 planning to sew you one of these for your birthday H Dilbert I think dogbert
549:49 your birthday H Dilbert I think dogbert wants to tell you something really what
549:52 wants to tell you something really what sit down
549:58 down I wasn't going to tell you this until the third trimester but I see
550:00 until the third trimester but I see you're coming right along there so what
550:02 you're coming right along there so what are you talking about Dilbert you know
550:05 are you talking about Dilbert you know that experimental rocket that had its
550:07 that experimental rocket that had its way with you I wouldn't put it that way
550:10 way with you I wouldn't put it that way you will when we tell you what we know
550:12 you will when we tell you what we know the rocket had genetic material from a
550:14 the rocket had genetic material from a variety of sources a wide variety quite
550:18 variety of sources a wide variety quite varied maybe you could name a few
550:20 varied maybe you could name a few hillbilly space alien robot cow and
550:24 hillbilly space alien robot cow and several dozen Engineers wow do I make a
550:27 several dozen Engineers wow do I make a good life seeking rocket or what but
550:30 good life seeking rocket or what but that's not the best part what's the best
550:34 that's not the best part what's the best [Music]
550:54 part table for one obviously I need to see a doctor or at least a waiter right
550:57 see a doctor or at least a waiter right away what is your problem do I have to
550:59 away what is your problem do I have to say in front of the other customers yes
551:02 say in front of the other customers yes you do I'm pregnant with an alien baby
551:05 you do I'm pregnant with an alien baby or perhaps a cow or a hillbilly or a
551:10 or perhaps a cow or a hillbilly or a robot oh I recommend the Dr Eduardo
551:13 robot oh I recommend the Dr Eduardo table four he handles our Nut Cases I
551:17 table four he handles our Nut Cases I not a nut if I were a nut would I be
551:20 not a nut if I were a nut would I be dressed like
551:21 dressed like this good point points in that case I
551:24 this good point points in that case I recommend Dr Eduardo table four that's
551:28 recommend Dr Eduardo table four that's more like
551:51 it my name is Eduardo I will be your doctor May I get you a beverage ginger
551:54 doctor May I get you a beverage ginger ale please and what seems to be your
551:56 ale please and what seems to be your problem I think I'm
552:12 ah I don't see anything down there I don't think you can see that one take
552:14 don't think you can see that one take off your dress it's a shirt yes I will
552:18 off your dress it's a shirt yes I will be right back with your drinks great
552:22 be right back with your drinks great nothing to read but this menu and it's
552:24 nothing to read but this menu and it's probably been handled by a million sick
552:26 probably been handled by a million sick people already we can't afford an
552:29 people already we can't afford an ultrasound machine but our bus boy Juan
552:32 ultrasound machine but our bus boy Juan is the next best thing don't move I will
552:35 is the next best thing don't move I will make a sound wave and Juan will create a
552:38 make a sound wave and Juan will create a picture from the Sonic signature
552:41 picture from the Sonic signature [Music]
553:04 [Music] what's in there sweet Mother of
553:08 what's in there sweet Mother of God don't you think you're overreacting
553:10 God don't you think you're overreacting a
553:20 little next week on Dilbert what Dilbert's having a baby the baby might
553:23 Dilbert's having a baby the baby might be an alien or a robot or a cow or a
553:26 be an alien or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer dime a dozen do
553:29 hillbilly or an engineer dime a dozen do your friends think you dress too sexy
553:31 your friends think you dress too sexy can you help me publish a book about my
553:33 can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy I need the money follow me how
553:36 pregnancy I need the money follow me how much news can you afford tonight we take
553:39 much news can you afford tonight we take you to meet this curious man in a story
553:42 you to meet this curious man in a story we call a womb with a stew Michael
553:46 we call a womb with a stew Michael Jackson already has an order in for
553:47 Jackson already has an order in for three of them join us tomorrow on
553:49 three of them join us tomorrow on primeline when we begin gavel to gavel
553:51 primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of
553:54 coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century please rise for the
553:56 the century please rise for the honorable Judge Stone called Steve
554:01 honorable Judge Stone called Steve Austin Austin 316 says order in
554:06 Austin Austin 316 says order in court it's coming
554:09 court it's coming [Music]
554:45 [Music] last time on
554:47 last time on Dilbert so I have programmed this to
554:49 Dilbert so I have programmed this to find any trace of Life gather samples
554:51 find any trace of Life gather samples and return directly to me with it's done
554:54 and return directly to me with it's done not
554:56 not yet the unfertilized eggs are ready for
554:59 yet the unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate
555:07 hillbilly it's artificial nanom machine [Applause]
555:13 DNA when do you expect it to return the only thing I know for sure is that it
555:15 only thing I know for sure is that it will return in the
555:17 will return in the end in a word he's pregnant knocked up
555:22 end in a word he's pregnant knocked up you'll tell him when he wait Wes up
555:23 you'll tell him when he wait Wes up won't you maybe in the third trimester
555:25 won't you maybe in the third trimester your new health maintenance organization
555:28 your new health maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the
555:31 will be somewhat less robust than the old one how much less they operate out
555:33 old one how much less they operate out of an Italian restaurant I need to see a
555:35 of an Italian restaurant I need to see a doctor or at least a waiter right away
555:38 doctor or at least a waiter right away don't move I will make a soundwave and
555:41 don't move I will make a soundwave and Juan will create a picture from the
555:43 Juan will create a picture from the Sonic
555:50 signature what's in there sweet Mother of
555:51 of God don't you think think you're
555:53 God don't you think think you're overreacting a
555:54 overreacting a little
555:57 little yeah and now for our opening title
556:00 yeah and now for our opening title sequence everyone sing along
556:29 [Music] [Applause]
556:34 [Applause] [Music]
556:37 [Music] hey
556:38 hey [Music]
556:48 [Music] [Applause]
556:51 [Applause] [Music]
556:54 [Music] [Applause]
556:54 [Applause] [Music]
557:13 are you telling me this is what's inside [Music]
557:16 [Music] me oh the ultrasound never lies that's
557:21 me oh the ultrasound never lies that's not ultrasound you're boss boy Drew this
557:23 not ultrasound you're boss boy Drew this sketch while you made booping sounds at
557:25 sketch while you made booping sounds at my stomach if you're not satisfied I can
557:28 my stomach if you're not satisfied I can take it off your bill uh let me speak
557:30 take it off your bill uh let me speak with the manager I'm sorry but I don't
557:33 with the manager I'm sorry but I don't believe my baby is a bowl of fruit and a
557:36 believe my baby is a bowl of fruit and a carefully draped tablecloth I want a
557:39 carefully draped tablecloth I want a second opinion how about a Seascape with
557:43 second opinion how about a Seascape with light coming through a wave very
557:47 light coming through a wave very beautiful I demand to see an actual
557:49 beautiful I demand to see an actual doctor your health plan doesn't cover
557:51 doctor your health plan doesn't cover that but I can offer you fresh ground
557:54 that but I can offer you fresh ground pepper warm to body temperature under my
558:09 arm great I have an unidentified baby in me and my health care plan doesn't
558:11 me and my health care plan doesn't include Health Care maybe you should
558:13 include Health Care maybe you should sell your story to the tabloids I could
558:15 sell your story to the tabloids I could never stoop so low here's a woman who
558:18 never stoop so low here's a woman who gave birth to 25 babies each one the
558:20 gave birth to 25 babies each one the size of a peanut they gave her a million
558:22 size of a peanut they gave her a million dollars and a cigar box to use as a
558:24 dollars and a cigar box to use as a nursery I don't need their money I still
558:26 nursery I don't need their money I still have a job I have savings for now so I
558:31 have a job I have savings for now so I understand I'm going to be an
558:32 understand I'm going to be an uncle unless it's a girl then I'll be an
558:35 uncle unless it's a girl then I'll be an aunt shouldn't you be swimming in the
558:37 aunt shouldn't you be swimming in the sewer or something I'm taking a
558:40 sewer or something I'm taking a shortcut so you're basically a pregnant
558:44 shortcut so you're basically a pregnant woman I hope you won't treat me any
558:45 woman I hope you won't treat me any differently would you mind buying the
558:47 differently would you mind buying the cake for a Shooks birthday celebration I
558:50 cake for a Shooks birthday celebration I don't mind I suddenly enjoy shopping for
558:52 don't mind I suddenly enjoy shopping for pastries but back to my point I don't
558:55 pastries but back to my point I don't want to be treated any differently
558:57 want to be treated any differently perish the thought by the way would you
558:59 perish the thought by the way would you mind planning our next offsite staff
559:00 mind planning our next offsite staff meeting I'll do it but only because I
559:02 meeting I'll do it but only because I want it done right that's the same
559:04 want it done right that's the same reason Alice always
559:06 reason Alice always gives sucker I think we should talk
559:09 gives sucker I think we should talk about maternity leave I ever tell you
559:11 about maternity leave I ever tell you about the woman who had 25 babies each
559:14 about the woman who had 25 babies each one the size of a peanut I fired her
559:17 one the size of a peanut I fired her before she delivered you can't fire
559:19 before she delivered you can't fire someone for being pregnant that's
559:21 someone for being pregnant that's against the law it was strictly for
559:23 against the law it was strictly for safety reasons I was afraid she'd go
559:25 safety reasons I was afraid she'd go into labor and start spraying those
559:26 into labor and start spraying those babies like a Tommy Gun someone could
559:28 babies like a Tommy Gun someone could have lost an eye that is discrimination
559:31 have lost an eye that is discrimination don't get your oversized panties in a
559:34 don't get your oversized panties in a bunch D Berta you got a good month
559:36 bunch D Berta you got a good month before your performance goes all to hell
559:38 before your performance goes all to hell and I fire you if I lose my job how will
559:41 and I fire you if I lose my job how will I afford this baby you should have
559:43 I afford this baby you should have thought of that before you became a
559:44 thought of that before you became a freak of nature my work will not be
559:47 freak of nature my work will not be affected by this pregnancy no one here
559:49 affected by this pregnancy no one here will even know about it unless you tell
559:51 will even know about it unless you tell them I'll try to hold it in
560:01 that's like holding in a sneeze I'm going to break a rib can I tell one
560:03 going to break a rib can I tell one person just one well if it hurts that
560:06 person just one well if it hurts that bad I guess one person would be
560:10 bad I guess one person would be okay what zilbert's having a
560:13 okay what zilbert's having a baby did you see the new coffee
560:17 baby did you see the new coffee mugs the skywriter spelled your name
560:19 mugs the skywriter spelled your name wrong but everyone knew what they meant
560:21 wrong but everyone knew what they meant if you give birth to a hideous alien
560:23 if you give birth to a hideous alien creature would you name it Wall-E why do
560:25 creature would you name it Wall-E why do you want a hideous creature named after
560:27 you want a hideous creature named after you someday I want to turn on the news
560:29 you someday I want to turn on the news and hear Wall-E destroys a small town
560:32 and hear Wall-E destroys a small town National Guard helpless if it's a girl
560:34 National Guard helpless if it's a girl monster name and Alice it's not a
560:36 monster name and Alice it's not a monster it's either an alien or a cow or
560:39 monster it's either an alien or a cow or a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer
560:42 a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer any one of those could destroy a town
560:44 any one of those could destroy a town not the cow if the cow is part alien it
560:46 not the cow if the cow is part alien it could well maybe if it shot fire out of
560:49 could well maybe if it shot fire out of its nostrils stop talking about my baby
560:51 its nostrils stop talking about my baby that way please leave me alone all right
560:55 that way please leave me alone all right I have to go plan the offsite meeting
560:56 I have to go plan the offsite meeting anyway um actually our pointy-haired
561:00 anyway um actually our pointy-haired boss asked me to do it this year you're
561:02 boss asked me to do it this year you're horning in on my turf can't fight my
561:06 horning in on my turf can't fight my money's on the pink one we're not going
561:08 money's on the pink one we're not going to fight we're going to collaborate and
561:11 to fight we're going to collaborate and support each other like sisters in this
561:13 support each other like sisters in this Bastion of
561:14 Bastion of testosterone yes that's right we are
561:19 testosterone yes that's right we are nice dress Dilbert I love what you're
561:22 nice dress Dilbert I love what you're doing with your hair
561:25 doing with your hair Alice which
561:28 Alice which [ __ ] are you telling me the company has
561:31 [ __ ] are you telling me the company has no maternity leave program well we
561:34 no maternity leave program well we believe that maternity benefits
561:35 believe that maternity benefits encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant
561:38 encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant that is
561:39 that is ridiculous is it people die of old age
561:42 ridiculous is it people die of old age so they can collect life insurance
561:44 so they can collect life insurance explain that that's your argument that
561:47 explain that that's your argument that doesn't even make sense
562:01 M I offer you some but some I'm selfish no wonder you're loopy that
562:03 selfish no wonder you're loopy that stuff will rot your
562:09 brain yeah as much as I love solving employee
562:11 employee problems I like making this noise even
562:14 problems I like making this noise even better wow man
562:23 that so you're saying I'll receive no maternity benefits Excuse me while I run
562:25 maternity benefits Excuse me while I run back and forth for no
562:45 wow I'll tell you what if you can squeeze out the little mutant during
562:47 squeeze out the little mutant during your coffee break I won't do your back
562:50 your coffee break I won't do your back [Music]
563:11 chances so what's your story listen up I need someone to play an angry quadr
563:13 need someone to play an angry quadr seexual for a 2:00
563:15 seexual for a 2:00 taping you report to Studio trip f
563:31 marry Studio C and lastly huge men who look like women and date tiny women who
563:33 look like women and date tiny women who look like men but are used as
563:41 handbags that's all for today uh excuse me I'm having a baby the hospital's one
563:44 me I'm having a baby the hospital's one street over no I mean it would be a good
563:46 street over no I mean it would be a good topic for a show people have babies all
563:48 topic for a show people have babies all the time what's your hook I'm a man
563:51 the time what's your hook I'm a man that's not enough enough what else you
563:53 that's not enough enough what else you got uh the baby might be an alien or a
563:56 got uh the baby might be an alien or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an
563:59 robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer di a dozen do your friends
564:01 engineer di a dozen do your friends think you dress too sexy uh no one has
564:04 think you dress too sexy uh no one has mentioned it if your mother steals your
564:06 mentioned it if your mother steals your boyfriend call
564:12 me can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy I need the money are you
564:14 my pregnancy I need the money are you willing to wear a hidden microphone and
564:16 willing to wear a hidden microphone and incriminate your friends my only friend
564:19 incriminate your friends my only friend is dogbert dogbert is your friend why
564:21 is dogbert dogbert is your friend why didn't you say say so you know him we
564:24 didn't you say say so you know him we worked together during the Watergate
564:26 worked together during the Watergate scandal when his code name was deep
564:28 scandal when his code name was deep throat don't tell him I mentioned that
564:30 throat don't tell him I mentioned that about my book I'll help you but first we
564:34 about my book I'll help you but first we need to stir the pot stir the
564:36 need to stir the pot stir the pot what you have is a little story we
564:40 pot what you have is a little story we need to whip it into a big story how do
564:42 need to whip it into a big story how do we do
564:43 we do that follow me
564:46 that follow me [Music]
564:55 [Music] we'd like to see Mr Big he doesn't take
564:58 we'd like to see Mr Big he doesn't take visitors we're friends of dog Bird go
565:01 visitors we're friends of dog Bird go right
565:11 [Music] in how much news can you afford we want
565:15 in how much news can you afford we want a standard Seed story you get 10% of the
565:17 a standard Seed story you get 10% of the back end sounds fair what's a seed story
565:21 back end sounds fair what's a seed story I apologize for him he was raised in a
565:23 I apologize for him he was raised in a hollow tree a seed story is one that
565:26 hollow tree a seed story is one that will grow into a media frenzy once it
565:29 will grow into a media frenzy once it has been planted then the media frenzy
565:31 has been planted then the media frenzy replaces the original story and becomes
565:33 replaces the original story and becomes the bigger story that's how we
565:35 the bigger story that's how we manufacture the news but my story is
565:38 manufacture the news but my story is real I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know
565:40 real I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know who the genetic mother and father are
565:42 who the genetic mother and father are that's news no that's just a fascinating
565:45 that's news no that's just a fascinating fact it isn't News until we say it is
565:48 fact it isn't News until we say it is shall we stir the pot
566:03 CL we have a pregnant man genetic parents unknown I want Total saturation
566:06 parents unknown I want Total saturation let's do it
566:14 upright tonight on Prim line the case of the pregnant man who are the real
566:17 the pregnant man who are the real genetic parents aliens Hillbillies
566:20 genetic parents aliens Hillbillies robots cows or engine Engineers tonight
566:23 robots cows or engine Engineers tonight we take you to meet this curious man in
566:26 we take you to meet this curious man in a story we call a womb with a stew and
566:30 a story we call a womb with a stew and you've heard about this guy well he's
566:32 you've heard about this guy well he's sort of a guy and he's reportedly a
566:33 sort of a guy and he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly
566:36 surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly robot engineer
566:38 robot engineer cowbaby Michael Jackson already has an
566:40 cowbaby Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of
566:43 order in for three of them part cow part engineer and do you
566:46 them part cow part engineer and do you think it'll spend a lot of nights
566:47 think it'll spend a lot of nights surfing the internet and milking itself
566:57 hey there he is leave us alone leave us alone very convincing who is Gilbert and
567:01 alone very convincing who is Gilbert and how will neighbors take to an alien in
567:03 how will neighbors take to an alien in their midst Americans are asking what is
567:06 their midst Americans are asking what is just have a seat off his drudge alien's
567:09 just have a seat off his drudge alien's Daddy dber can an alien baby love but
567:12 Daddy dber can an alien baby love but he's already asking the
567:15 he's already asking the questions done they'll get your side
567:17 questions done they'll get your side later this brings up the obvious
567:19 later this brings up the obvious question what are your feelings about
567:21 question what are your feelings about the upom Landmark custody battle over
567:24 the upom Landmark custody battle over your unborn custody battle there's no
567:26 your unborn custody battle there's no custody battle there will be tomorrow
567:29 custody battle there will be tomorrow join us tomorrow on primeline when we
567:31 join us tomorrow on primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the
567:33 begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century in a
567:36 fetus custody battle of the century in a story we call It's a Wonderful
567:39 story we call It's a Wonderful Strife I'm already casting the
567:41 Strife I'm already casting the miniseries in my head I don't know if
567:44 miniseries in my head I don't know if you can hear me in there Studies have
567:46 you can hear me in there Studies have been
567:47 been inconclusive unfortunately you're the
567:49 inconclusive unfortunately you're the only one I can talk to right now don't
567:52 only one I can talk to right now don't take this the wrong way but I don't mind
567:55 take this the wrong way but I don't mind losing the custody battle I'm not
567:57 losing the custody battle I'm not exactly qualified to be a parent I'm
568:00 exactly qualified to be a parent I'm more than happy to let you go to a
568:01 more than happy to let you go to a better home with real parents but if
568:04 better home with real parents but if custody is awarded to the wrong people
568:06 custody is awarded to the wrong people and there are plenty of those I'll
568:08 and there are plenty of those I'll protect you with everything I've got
568:10 protect you with everything I've got little guy if you agree kick twice if
568:14 little guy if you agree kick twice if you disagree kick just once
568:29 if you at home would like to vote on who you would prefer to be awarded custody
568:31 you would prefer to be awarded custody of the mystery fetus call 90055 51234
568:34 of the mystery fetus call 90055 51234 each call is $4 proceeds will be donated
568:37 each call is $4 proceeds will be donated to someone but don't ask to see a re I
568:39 to someone but don't ask to see a re I hope this doesn't become
568:41 hope this doesn't become undignified please rise for the
568:43 undignified please rise for the honorable Judge Stone called Steve
568:47 honorable Judge Stone called Steve Austin
569:02 [Applause] [Music]
569:18 [Applause] since when did Stone Cold become a judge
569:20 since when did Stone Cold become a judge both sides wave their rights to him an
569:22 both sides wave their rights to him an actual judge we did he's very big with
569:25 actual judge we did he's very big with the team demographic we'll get pick up
569:26 the team demographic we'll get pick up on all the networks what about Justice
569:29 on all the networks what about Justice it didn't do well with the focus
569:42 groups Austin 316 says order in court let's have opening arguments in the
569:44 let's have opening arguments in the custody case of Dilbert versus Aliens
569:46 custody case of Dilbert versus Aliens robots cows Hillbillies a billionaire
569:49 robots cows Hillbillies a billionaire and 17 Engineers your honor my clients
569:52 and 17 Engineers your honor my clients demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's
569:55 demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's womb or stomach or upper colon whatever
569:58 womb or stomach or upper colon whatever it is they believe they can give it a
570:00 it is they believe they can give it a more wholesome family
570:03 more wholesome family life they want to raise the child
570:05 life they want to raise the child together they make a very effective
570:08 together they make a very effective family unit for one thing you'll never
570:10 family unit for one thing you'll never want for milk and you've got your alien
570:13 want for milk and you've got your alien technology for fighting diseases you've
570:16 technology for fighting diseases you've got your Billionaire's resources your
570:19 got your Billionaire's resources your robots for domestic chores and your
570:22 robots for domestic chores and your Hillbillies for for uh if you got a
570:26 Hillbillies for for uh if you got a woodchuck's problem we'll kill them and
570:28 woodchuck's problem we'll kill them and cook them exactly and 17 Engineers to
570:32 cook them exactly and 17 Engineers to explain things no matter how much you
570:34 explain things no matter how much you insist you don't need to know if I may
570:36 insist you don't need to know if I may elaborate on that
570:43 I you make a strong case so let's begin the character
570:45 the character assassination is it true you annihilated
570:47 assassination is it true you annihilated the planet of NEP 5 a world inhabited
570:50 the planet of NEP 5 a world inhabited entirely by teddy bears
570:58 s sometimes in a meeting Dilbert will pick up a shook our intern and just
570:59 pick up a shook our intern and just shake the pesas out of them so you admit
571:03 shake the pesas out of them so you admit that you chew
571:11 cud all I'm saying is that when we collect money to buy someone a birthday
571:13 collect money to buy someone a birthday card it always comes back lighter after
571:15 card it always comes back lighter after Dilbert has the envelope I've heard
571:18 Dilbert has the envelope I've heard enough I prepared to award custody to
571:20 enough I prepared to award custody to the freaks wait I haven't had a chance
571:23 the freaks wait I haven't had a chance to speak on my own behalf we have two
571:25 to speak on my own behalf we have two more minutes Stone Cold you've got two
571:28 more minutes Stone Cold you've got two minutes I'll put Plan B in De motion At
571:31 minutes I'll put Plan B in De motion At first I felt I was nothing more than
571:33 first I felt I was nothing more than luggage for the fetus inside me but over
571:35 luggage for the fetus inside me but over time I've developed feelings for this
571:37 time I've developed feelings for this baby I didn't understand them at first
571:39 baby I didn't understand them at first but now I know they are feelings of
571:41 but now I know they are feelings of motherly
571:42 motherly [Laughter]
571:50 love my only goal is to do what's best for this baby maybe maybe that means I
571:52 for this baby maybe maybe that means I don't raise it myself but I will never
571:55 don't raise it myself but I will never ever turn my baby over to
571:58 ever turn my baby over to them they don't care about this baby
572:01 them they don't care about this baby they each have their own selfish motives
572:04 they each have their own selfish motives whatever you decide Judge Stone Cold
572:06 whatever you decide Judge Stone Cold please use your wisdom and compassion in
572:09 please use your wisdom and compassion in making your
572:10 making your decision thank
572:13 decision thank you you want compassion take your ass to
572:16 you you want compassion take your ass to church custody is awarded to The
572:19 church custody is awarded to The Freaks and that's the bottom line
572:22 Freaks and that's the bottom line C Stone Cold
573:34 I think my water's going to break oh there's a lot in there we're ready ready
574:27 [Music] hurry if this works you'll be safe and
574:31 hurry if this works you'll be safe and loved
574:33 loved [Music]
574:52 [Music] wait I'll give you a billion dollars for
574:56 wait I'll give you a billion dollars for the
574:57 the baby that's billion with a
575:00 baby that's billion with a b
575:16 no oh my where did you send it Dilbert think of it as a student Exchange
575:18 think of it as a student Exchange program mom did it look like you in a
575:22 program mom did it look like you in a lot of ways it
575:38 [Music] did ever since we sent our only child
575:41 did ever since we sent our only child away when we thought our planet was to
575:43 away when we thought our planet was to be destroyed we have been so lonely who
575:46 be destroyed we have been so lonely who knew our planet would survive the
575:48 knew our planet would survive the cataclysm the weather reports are never
575:50 cataclysm the weather reports are never accurate
575:58 [Music] I wonder if that's the package from dog
576:00 I wonder if that's the package from dog bird
576:49 I'm sure you all remember the disaster at last year's picnic when our wieners
576:51 at last year's picnic when our wieners turned out to be
576:54 turned out to be defective I almost lost an eye but the
576:57 defective I almost lost an eye but the Buns were excellent yes they were but
577:01 Buns were excellent yes they were but this year we can't rest on our buns no
577:04 this year we can't rest on our buns no matter how plump and delicious they
577:06 matter how plump and delicious they might be you will not make this a
577:08 might be you will not make this a hostile work environment good Lord man
577:10 hostile work environment good Lord man why don't you just rub steak sauce on my
577:12 why don't you just rub steak sauce on my body and drag me from the back of a
577:14 body and drag me from the back of a fishing boat does anyone know what
577:16 fishing boat does anyone know what Wally's talking about well I'm no expert
577:18 Wally's talking about well I'm no expert on Psychopaths but I'd say he's afraid
577:20 on Psychopaths but I'd say he's afraid of the Ann ual marketing versus
577:22 of the Ann ual marketing versus engineering softball game it's that time
577:24 engineering softball game it's that time of year when we sporty people in
577:26 of year when we sporty people in marketing give you Engineers your annual
577:28 marketing give you Engineers your annual lesson in humility are you actually
577:30 lesson in humility are you actually proud of the fact that you spent your
577:32 proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports
577:34 youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel at the
577:36 just so you could excel at the picnicking Arts I don't think I'm
577:38 picnicking Arts I don't think I'm telling Tales out of school and by
577:39 telling Tales out of school and by school I mean our fine local community
577:41 school I mean our fine local community colleges when I say ABS a positively
577:44 colleges when I say ABS a positively that means
577:46 that means yes while you were learning to crush
577:48 yes while you were learning to crush beer cans on your foreheads we future
577:50 beer cans on your foreheads we future engineers were developing our minds uh
577:54 engineers were developing our minds uh I'm not following you me neither
577:56 I'm not following you me neither something about beer forget it I think
577:58 something about beer forget it I think it's safe to say that the market gurus
578:00 it's safe to say that the market gurus will clean the field with you losers for
578:02 will clean the field with you losers for the 10th year in a row not this year my
578:04 the 10th year in a row not this year my friend the crapulous rule can we get a
578:07 friend the crapulous rule can we get a new name for our team I hate being a
578:09 new name for our team I hate being a crapulent you got any better ideas no
578:13 crapulent you got any better ideas no that's settled now let's make some
578:16 that's settled now let's make some wiener related decisions do we want
578:18 wiener related decisions do we want chicken or beef both very EX expensive
578:21 chicken or beef both very EX expensive in allowing no budget for beer or a new
578:24 in allowing no budget for beer or a new lowcost alternative that I own stock in
578:27 lowcost alternative that I own stock in called zoo no more I like that last one
578:31 called zoo no more I like that last one good choice now how do we want them
578:34 good choice now how do we want them cooked I apologize for my tardiness but
578:37 cooked I apologize for my tardiness but there was a fire in one of the research
578:38 there was a fire in one of the research Labs would someone please extinguish me
578:41 Labs would someone please extinguish me what is it with you young interns it's
578:43 what is it with you young interns it's always me me me how about being a team
578:46 always me me me how about being a team player just once in your life sit down a
578:48 player just once in your life sit down a shook we have important work here may I
578:51 shook we have important work here may I roll around on the carpet first yes but
578:53 roll around on the carpet first yes but it counts as vacation time I am only an
578:55 it counts as vacation time I am only an intern I have so few vacation
579:10 much can we get this over with that Aroma burning flesh is making me hungry
579:12 Aroma burning flesh is making me hungry me too boy I'll say hold
579:15 me too boy I'll say hold on am I the only one who isn't crazy
579:18 on am I the only one who isn't crazy about hot dogs made from old zebra meat
579:21 about hot dogs made from old zebra meat don't forget about that silky shiny
579:24 don't forget about that silky shiny mouth watering zebra
579:59 [Music] [Applause]
580:00 [Applause] [Music]
580:01 [Music] [Applause]
580:02 [Applause] [Music]
580:06 [Music] yes
580:17 [Music] [Applause]
580:18 [Applause] [Music]
580:50 Vern Wegman he was captain of the only engineering team that ever beat
580:52 engineering team that ever beat marketing at softball how is that even
580:54 marketing at softball how is that even possible it was the year they used an
580:56 possible it was the year they used an electronic scoreboard Vern rigged it
580:59 electronic scoreboard Vern rigged it they won by the score of 162 to 159
581:02 they won by the score of 162 to 159 despite the fact no engineer ever got on
581:06 despite the fact no engineer ever got on base hey you're letting the cold in
581:09 base hey you're letting the cold in you're alive I retired I didn't die you
581:12 you're alive I retired I didn't die you nitwit read the little
581:14 nitwit read the little sign Vern Wegman left the company in
581:18 sign Vern Wegman left the company in 1982 and is now employed as his own bust
581:22 1982 and is now employed as his own bust several inches from this sign why would
581:25 several inches from this sign why would you agree to do this apparently you
581:27 you agree to do this apparently you haven't looked at your pension plan too
581:29 haven't looked at your pension plan too closely I made the same mistake at your
581:31 closely I made the same mistake at your age now I'm getting paid $2 an hour and
581:34 age now I'm getting paid $2 an hour and I'm glad to have it tell us about the
581:36 I'm glad to have it tell us about the day you beat marketing press this
581:49 it it started as just another softball game between marketing and
581:52 game between marketing and Engineering in the later Innings as was
581:54 Engineering in the later Innings as was their custom the marketing team was
581:57 their custom the marketing team was ricocheting their home runs off the
582:00 ricocheting their home runs off the heads of the opposing
582:11 team in times like these sometimes heroes are
582:13 heroes are [Applause]
582:14 [Applause] born burn weitman was just such a hero I
582:19 born burn weitman was just such a hero I get goosebumps during this burn riged
582:22 get goosebumps during this burn riged the electronic scoreboard so he could
582:24 the electronic scoreboard so he could control it
582:26 control it remotely he was an
582:28 remotely he was an unscrupulous
582:30 unscrupulous uncoordinated cheating
582:32 uncoordinated cheating weasel in a word he was a hero didn't
582:37 weasel in a word he was a hero didn't you feel guilty cheating you know how
582:39 you feel guilty cheating you know how you still have a shred of self-respect
582:41 you still have a shred of self-respect yes you'll get over it I don't think I
582:43 yes you'll get over it I don't think I will you'd
582:51 better I know you're all afraid of being humiliated by the marketing department
582:53 humiliated by the marketing department softball team but remember you have a
582:56 softball team but remember you have a secret weapon what is it have me as your
582:59 secret weapon what is it have me as your player coach we'll start with some
583:01 player coach we'll start with some infield
583:12 practice ball [Music]
583:13 [Music] one what's he doing I think he's going
583:16 one what's he doing I think he's going for the walk way to go
583:24 I think we need a new player coach preferably someone who isn't a total
583:25 preferably someone who isn't a total Wall-E what exactly do you mean by that
583:28 Wall-E what exactly do you mean by that we use your name as a pejorative now you
583:30 we use your name as a pejorative now you do yeah you know as in he's a total
583:34 do yeah you know as in he's a total Wall-E or I've got to take a Wall-E that
583:36 Wall-E or I've got to take a Wall-E that sort of thing H it's
583:40 sort of thing H it's catchy I think I know the perfect player
583:43 catchy I think I know the perfect player coach for
583:44 coach for us so what do you think coach I think I
583:47 us so what do you think coach I think I have my work cut out for me listen up
583:50 have my work cut out for me listen up we'll start with the basics hitting a
583:52 we'll start with the basics hitting a baseball is the most difficult thing in
583:54 baseball is the most difficult thing in all of sports but getting hit by a pitch
583:58 all of sports but getting hit by a pitch is the easiest in this drill you'll
584:01 is the easiest in this drill you'll learn how to stand directly on the
584:12 plate good next time try running toward the pitcher in Anger it's much more
584:14 the pitcher in Anger it's much more convincing this is slow pitch softball
584:16 convincing this is slow pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if
584:18 I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch now let's hope
584:20 you get hit by a pitch now let's hope the other team doesn't know know that
584:35 ice you got to stay hydrated and by you I mean
584:36 I mean me I've assessed your abilities and
584:39 me I've assessed your abilities and assigned positions Wall-E your second
584:41 assigned positions Wall-E your second base I don't know how to play second
584:43 base I don't know how to play second base it's easy just wear white canvas
584:46 base it's easy just wear white canvas clothing and lie on the ground for nine
584:47 clothing and lie on the ground for nine innings I can do that a shook there's
584:51 innings I can do that a shook there's some confusion over whether you're
584:52 some confusion over whether you're right-handed or
584:54 right-handed or left-handed throw me the ball with your
584:56 left-handed throw me the ball with your right
585:03 hand now the left [Music]
585:09 hand n of the above I'm putting you on first base my
585:12 above I'm putting you on first base my catching Talent isn't anything to email
585:14 catching Talent isn't anything to email home about either I'll just stand there
585:16 home about either I'll just stand there with your arms slightly away from your
585:18 with your arms slightly away from your side we might just get lucky and wedge
585:20 side we might just get lucky and wedge one in there very good Alice we're a
585:23 one in there very good Alice we're a little short-handed so you're playing
585:24 little short-handed so you're playing catcher and center fielder at the same
585:26 catcher and center fielder at the same time it's always the woman who has to
585:28 time it's always the woman who has to work twice as hard pointy haired boss
585:30 work twice as hard pointy haired boss you're on the Hot Corner Dilbert you'll
585:33 you're on the Hot Corner Dilbert you'll be pitching okay good pitching always
585:36 be pitching okay good pitching always beats good hitting although I realize
585:38 beats good hitting although I realize it's meaningless unless the term good is
585:40 it's meaningless unless the term good is defined in both cases and even then it's
585:43 defined in both cases and even then it's only a matter of likelihood not a sure
585:50 thing in fact I don't even know why I said it can crappy pitching beat good
585:52 said it can crappy pitching beat good hitting too I don't think so
585:56 hitting too I don't think so oh ah Dilbert our star pitcher did I
585:59 oh ah Dilbert our star pitcher did I mention that your career depends on us
586:02 mention that your career depends on us winning the softball game against
586:03 winning the softball game against marketing why are you putting all the
586:05 marketing why are you putting all the pressure on me I'm just one player
586:07 pressure on me I'm just one player you're the pitcher good pitching always
586:11 you're the pitcher good pitching always always beats good hitting you said so
586:13 always beats good hitting you said so yourself but it's not accurate it's just
586:15 yourself but it's not accurate it's just something people say well they couldn't
586:18 something people say well they couldn't say it if it wasn't true yes they could
586:21 say it if it wasn't true yes they could you lie to us every day oh that's not
586:24 you lie to us every day oh that's not lying that's
586:26 lying that's managing Studies have shown there's a
586:29 managing Studies have shown there's a big difference what studies you know
586:31 big difference what studies you know studies various ones you're managing me
586:35 studies various ones you're managing me right now aren't you see Wally
586:38 right now aren't you see Wally understands
586:41 understands woo this is disgusting can't you at
586:45 woo this is disgusting can't you at least pretend not to look that's like
586:47 least pretend not to look that's like holding in a sneeze you could crack a
586:49 holding in a sneeze you could crack a rib she must be new and engineering
586:51 rib she must be new and engineering that's impossible there are no
586:53 that's impossible there are no attractive women in engineering what are
586:55 attractive women in engineering what are you talking about look at me I can no
586:58 you talking about look at me I can no longer see your physical Beauty Alice
587:00 longer see your physical Beauty Alice it's overwhelmed by uh your professional
587:02 it's overwhelmed by uh your professional competence oh I guess that's all right
587:06 competence oh I guess that's all right hi I'm from marketing I hope you don't
587:09 hi I'm from marketing I hope you don't mind me drinking the coffee in the
587:11 mind me drinking the coffee in the engineering breakroom you mind us
587:13 engineering breakroom you mind us looking at you walks as good as a hit I
587:16 looking at you walks as good as a hit I mind that gets charged against your cost
587:19 mind that gets charged against your cost center my name is Juliet what's yours my
587:23 center my name is Juliet what's yours my what your name oh I I'm I'm Dilbert and
587:26 what your name oh I I'm I'm Dilbert and this
587:27 this is I forget and this is it doesn't
587:31 is I forget and this is it doesn't matter I'm just fine and you I'm
587:34 matter I'm just fine and you I'm mortified well that's an unusual name
587:37 mortified well that's an unusual name for an unusual woman it's not my name
587:40 for an unusual woman it's not my name but thank you now I'm all confused I
587:44 but thank you now I'm all confused I guess I'll see at the company picnic
587:47 guess I'll see at the company picnic [Music]
587:58 I guess you will it was very nice to meet you
588:00 meet you Dilbert forget her Dilbert it'll never
588:02 Dilbert forget her Dilbert it'll never work what do you mean Dilbert she was
588:04 work what do you mean Dilbert she was flirting with me you think it can't work
588:07 flirting with me you think it can't work because she's in marketing that's only
588:08 because she's in marketing that's only the half of it she's going to see you
588:11 the half of it she's going to see you play softball you're right not only will
588:13 play softball you're right not only will she see how uncoordinated you are but
588:15 she see how uncoordinated you are but she will also see you in shorts this
588:18 she will also see you in shorts this isn't good I'd love to chat but I have
588:21 isn't good I'd love to chat but I have to go down to the wiener District to buy
588:23 to go down to the wiener District to buy some meat for the picnic there's a
588:25 some meat for the picnic there's a wiener
588:36 blood oh too expensive this one looks about right hey
588:39 expensive this one looks about right hey buddy only suckers pay retail I don't
588:42 buddy only suckers pay retail I don't want to be a sucker best prices best
588:45 want to be a sucker best prices best selection in all of Wier toown how do I
588:48 selection in all of Wier toown how do I know they're good
588:51 know they're good can I borrow your
589:13 this are you sure this is what athletes are wearing now you said you didn't want
589:15 are wearing now you said you didn't want your legs to show I'm just trying to
589:17 your legs to show I'm just trying to help it's important because Juliet will
589:19 help it's important because Juliet will be seeing me outside the office for the
589:21 be seeing me outside the office for the first time sounds like you have a zone
589:23 first time sounds like you have a zone of competence problem a what women are
589:26 of competence problem a what women are only impressed by men who excel at
589:28 only impressed by men who excel at whatever they're doing it's an evolution
589:30 whatever they're doing it's an evolution thing in your case that means
589:32 thing in your case that means engineering if she sees you outside of
589:35 engineering if she sees you outside of engineering you'll look like a wounded
589:36 engineering you'll look like a wounded gazelle who needs to be thinned from the
589:38 gazelle who needs to be thinned from the herd man I wish we were debugging source
589:41 herd man I wish we were debugging source code
589:42 code Instead at least you look great thanks
589:44 Instead at least you look great thanks to me you're positive this is what
589:46 to me you're positive this is what everyone is wearing for workouts the
589:48 everyone is wearing for workouts the stores are full of them
589:50 stores are full of them [Music]
590:04 this might actually be fun I know I'm planning to enjoy
590:19 it is it my imagination or are people staring at me you're wearing new
590:20 staring at me you're wearing new sneakers right yes now that's probably
590:29 why yes I get to break the news hey guys ready for the big game Wally has
590:31 ready for the big game Wally has something to tell you wait I must
590:33 something to tell you wait I must capture this moment it is my duty n my
590:37 capture this moment it is my duty n my privilege n just a guilty pleasure to
590:39 privilege n just a guilty pleasure to inform you that you are wearing women's
590:41 inform you that you are wearing women's clothing what the outfit the get up it's
590:44 clothing what the outfit the get up it's a woman's exercise
590:51 outfit we should call him bird can I take one more for safety I thought you
590:53 take one more for safety I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes
590:56 said everyone was wearing these clothes I meant everyone who's a woman I might
590:58 I meant everyone who's a woman I might have left that part out yes now what am
591:01 have left that part out yes now what am I going to do I can't take the field
591:03 I going to do I can't take the field looking like this calm down I have a
591:06 looking like this calm down I have a spare set of shorts in my picnic basket
591:08 spare set of shorts in my picnic basket you can wear those over your thong I'll
591:11 you can wear those over your thong I'll never be able to run in these just
591:12 never be able to run in these just tighten the belt and tie the legs tight
591:14 tighten the belt and tie the legs tight you'll be fine
591:29 hi Juliet remember me we shared a coffee stirer I brought it with me in case you
591:31 stirer I brought it with me in case you need it again um thank you that was um
591:37 need it again um thank you that was um sweet it was weird is what it was she's
591:40 sweet it was weird is what it was she's not your type Shakespeare just move
591:42 not your type Shakespeare just move along there's no law that says Engineers
591:44 along there's no law that says Engineers can't date women for marketing it's more
591:47 can't date women for marketing it's more complicated than that Dilbert I'm a
591:49 complicated than that Dilbert I'm a market girl you're a crapulent our work
591:52 market girl you're a crapulent our work groups would never understand but we can
591:55 groups would never understand but we can get past that Juliet I have you playing
591:57 get past that Juliet I have you playing 2B 2B that means second base stay away
592:01 2B 2B that means second base stay away from her you've been
592:03 from her you've been warned I'll be playing 2B if you make it
592:06 warned I'll be playing 2B if you make it that far we can talk there second base
592:09 that far we can talk there second base no engineer has ever gotten that far
592:12 no engineer has ever gotten that far softball is outside my zone of
592:14 softball is outside my zone of competence you have to for us for
592:18 competence you have to for us for us I'll make it
592:21 us I'll make it Juliet I have to
592:23 Juliet I have to go to be or not to be that is the
592:29 go to be or not to be that is the question I didn't have time to buy buns
592:31 question I didn't have time to buy buns but I think you'll find this just as
592:34 but I think you'll find this just as good hey give me a hot dog bring on meat
592:38 good hey give me a hot dog bring on meat pops settle down we've got enough for
592:48 everyone I'll see you on second base I'll count the minutes that is it you
592:50 I'll count the minutes that is it you stinking crap you at on gu
592:54 stinking crap you at on gu [Music]
592:58 [Music] Dilbert that would have looked so
593:00 Dilbert that would have looked so impressive nice try though
593:04 impressive nice try though Dilbert let that be a lesson to you
593:06 Dilbert let that be a lesson to you crapulent never try to date a market
593:09 crapulent never try to date a market Guru
593:11 Guru [Music]
593:29 the key to this game is to demoralize them from the
593:30 them from the [Music]
593:57 [Applause] [Music]
593:58 [Music] they're not as demoralized as I had
594:02 they're not as demoralized as I had hoped Dilbert your lead off according to
594:05 hoped Dilbert your lead off according to my research the leadoff batter should be
594:08 my research the leadoff batter should be the player most likely to get on base
594:12 the player most likely to get on base [Music]
594:21 exactly huh huh [Music]
594:32 [Music] uh-oh you hit the batter he gets first
594:35 uh-oh you hit the batter he gets first base I hit his pants not him pants are
594:38 base I hit his pants not him pants are part of the
594:45 player oh man [Music]
594:53 I will be with you soon my love give Dilbert the signal to Steel second
594:55 Dilbert the signal to Steel second Dilbert steel
594:58 Dilbert steel second I meant the hand signal oh you
595:03 second I meant the hand signal oh you run second base I hope they don't steal
595:06 run second base I hope they don't steal our
595:17 together what's wrong with [Music]
595:21 [Music] Dilbert this is your
595:22 Dilbert this is your [Music]
595:37 [Music] chance Gilbert I wonder if it was
595:40 chance Gilbert I wonder if it was something they
595:51 ate probably the potato salad [Music]
595:53 [Music] Juliet you're okay it must have been the
595:55 Juliet you're okay it must have been the hot dogs I think they were
595:58 hot dogs I think they were bad I'm so glad you're the only person
596:01 bad I'm so glad you're the only person in marketing who didn't eat them oh I
596:03 in marketing who didn't eat them oh I wish that were
596:05 wish that were true oh
596:08 true oh no we'll take her to the hospital with
596:11 no we'll take her to the hospital with the others and pump her stomach but when
596:12 the others and pump her stomach but when she gets reunited with the others
596:14 she gets reunited with the others they'll keep us apart I can't let that
596:16 they'll keep us apart I can't let that happen I won't there's nothing you can
596:18 happen I won't there's nothing you can do about it Romeo we we'll see about
596:27 that hey oh no look I've got food poisoning too you
596:31 no look I've got food poisoning too you have to take me to the hospital and pump
596:33 have to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach we'd like to share an
596:35 my stomach we'd like to share an ambulance well I guess that would be
596:39 ambulance well I guess that would be okay I can't believe you fell for that
596:42 okay I can't believe you fell for that joke I didn't eat the hot dogs I was
596:44 joke I didn't eat the hot dogs I was just kidding around with
596:46 just kidding around with you you even have a sense of humor I
596:50 you you even have a sense of humor I love you more than ever oh wow you
596:54 love you more than ever oh wow you really ate a poison hot dog just to be
596:56 really ate a poison hot dog just to be with me that is so sweet incredibly
597:00 with me that is so sweet incredibly stupid but
597:02 stupid but sweet really stupid the stupidity far
597:05 sweet really stupid the stupidity far outweighs the
597:07 outweighs the sweetness but the craziest part about
597:10 sweetness but the craziest part about this is that it was still the best Aid I
597:12 this is that it was still the best Aid I ever had
597:14 ever had [Music]
597:35 [Music] that only took 15 minutes they're very
597:38 that only took 15 minutes they're very good the whole thing was only 1995 you
597:41 good the whole thing was only 1995 you didn't take any of the extras did you
597:44 didn't take any of the extras did you that's how they get you I was very
597:46 that's how they get you I was very thirsty uh-oh you know they don't have
597:48 thirsty uh-oh you know they don't have water fountains in that place
597:51 water fountains in that place they sold me a glass of ginger ale for
597:53 they sold me a glass of ginger ale for $3,000 but it was worth it I really miss
597:56 $3,000 but it was worth it I really miss Juliet I think she really like me like
597:59 Juliet I think she really like me like is a strong word it's possible you like
598:03 is a strong word it's possible you like me you f a special place in my life in
598:05 me you f a special place in my life in your heart on the couch your head blocks
598:08 your heart on the couch your head blocks the light from the lamp so it doesn't
598:09 the light from the lamp so it doesn't get in my eyes
598:11 get in my eyes [Music]
598:37 [Music] [Applause]
598:50 what are you doing I'm posting false information on the web why it's fun
598:53 information on the web why it's fun someone picks up a strand of false
598:54 someone picks up a strand of false information spreads it around and before
598:56 information spreads it around and before you know it a panic is created then you
598:58 you know it a panic is created then you just sit back and watch the chaos and
599:01 just sit back and watch the chaos and figure out a way to exploit it no doubt
599:03 figure out a way to exploit it no doubt you say that as if it's a bad thing I
599:05 you say that as if it's a bad thing I don't think that is what the worldwide
599:07 don't think that is what the worldwide web was created for Ah that's where
599:09 web was created for Ah that's where you're wrong do you have any idea how
599:12 you're wrong do you have any idea how difficult it was to spread rumors before
599:14 difficult it was to spread rumors before mailings cold calling sometimes I had to
599:16 mailings cold calling sometimes I had to go door too it was a real pain thanks to
599:19 go door too it was a real pain thanks to the new tech technology my productivity
599:21 the new tech technology my productivity has increased just in the last couple of
599:23 has increased just in the last couple of years I've been able to create fear
599:24 years I've been able to create fear about cell phones power lines and organ
599:27 about cell phones power lines and organ theft Rings you must be very proud it's
599:30 theft Rings you must be very proud it's fulfilling well the last thing I want to
599:32 fulfilling well the last thing I want to do right now is sit in front of a
599:33 do right now is sit in front of a computer screen my neck is all stiff and
599:36 computer screen my neck is all stiff and I'm blurry eyed from sitting all day in
599:37 I'm blurry eyed from sitting all day in my cubicle staring at one H you don't
599:40 my cubicle staring at one H you don't say what are you doing now do you ever
599:43 say what are you doing now do you ever feel anxious tired or depressed in your
599:46 feel anxious tired or depressed in your cubicle I've never felt any other way
599:48 cubicle I've never felt any other way chaing symptoms include blurred vision
599:52 chaing symptoms include blurred vision muscle joint pain anxiety fatigue
599:56 muscle joint pain anxiety fatigue depression the conclusion is inescapable
599:59 depression the conclusion is inescapable symptoms of what what conclusion an
600:02 symptoms of what what conclusion an epidemic of chronic cubical syndrome did
600:04 epidemic of chronic cubical syndrome did you say chronic cubical syndrome hearing
600:07 you say chronic cubical syndrome hearing loss you just made that up correction I
600:10 loss you just made that up correction I have discovered a here to for
600:12 have discovered a here to for undiagnosed condition there is no such
600:14 undiagnosed condition there is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome
600:17 thing as chronic cubicle syndrome initially victims exhibit denial but you
600:20 initially victims exhibit denial but you have no proof oh I have something much
600:22 have no proof oh I have something much better than proof anecdotal evidence who
600:25 better than proof anecdotal evidence who do you think would be dumb enough to
600:26 do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence oh I've
600:28 believe anecdotal evidence oh I've narrowed my target market to people I
600:32 narrowed my target market to people I have news for you we people are smarter
600:35 have news for you we people are smarter than we look how hard would that be
600:36 than we look how hard would that be really personally I require scientific
600:39 really personally I require scientific evidence before I believe anything no
600:41 evidence before I believe anything no you don't yes I do no you only think you
600:44 you don't yes I do no you only think you do but in fact you rely on media reports
600:46 do but in fact you rely on media reports that scientific evidence exists you
600:48 that scientific evidence exists you don't actually see the evidence yourself
600:50 don't actually see the evidence yourself I don't have time to read all the
600:51 I don't have time to read all the scientific studies myself oh so you're
600:54 scientific studies myself oh so you're not gullible you're just busy that's
600:57 not gullible you're just busy that's right so when I tell people they have
600:58 right so when I tell people they have chronic cubicle syndrome they won't be
601:00 chronic cubicle syndrome they won't be gullible they'll be busy just like you
601:03 gullible they'll be busy just like you you're being ridiculous other symptoms
601:05 you're being ridiculous other symptoms include poor perception I do not have
601:08 include poor perception I do not have poor perception irritability stop that
601:11 poor perception irritability stop that stop it right now bouts of irrational
601:13 stop it right now bouts of irrational shouting are you trying to make me crazy
601:16 shouting are you trying to make me crazy paranoia now what
601:19 paranoia now what now my ghost writer will put the
601:21 now my ghost writer will put the finishing touches on the book you've
601:23 finishing touches on the book you've been writing a book while we've been
601:24 been writing a book while we've been talking I know how that sounds and you'd
601:27 talking I know how that sounds and you'd be right
601:28 be right Raper how may I be of service to you
601:31 Raper how may I be of service to you higher life forms you can't publish a
601:33 higher life forms you can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition
601:36 book about an unproven medical condition apparently you haven't been to the
601:37 apparently you haven't been to the bookstore lately proofread publish
601:39 bookstore lately proofread publish distribute
601:49 Roger we're very fortunate to live in the time time of dog bird this isn't
601:52 the time time of dog bird this isn't happening add delusions to the symptoms
601:54 happening add delusions to the symptoms list you got it
602:22 [Music] [Applause]
602:28 [Applause] [Music]
602:42 [Music] [Applause]
602:44 [Applause] [Music]
603:06 we're talking with the bestselling author of chronic cubical syndrome if
603:08 author of chronic cubical syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it
603:10 you think you've got it you've got it dogbert dogbert welcome could you repeat
603:12 dogbert dogbert welcome could you repeat the name of the book uh sure chronic
603:15 the name of the book uh sure chronic cubicle syndrome if you think you've got
603:17 cubicle syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it how about you honey
603:19 it you've got it how about you honey this is an equal opportunity condition
603:21 this is an equal opportunity condition okay chronic cubical syndrome if you
603:25 okay chronic cubical syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it now Mr
603:27 think you've got it you've got it now Mr dogbert tell us what exactly is chronic
603:31 dogbert tell us what exactly is chronic cubicle syndrome oh I can't divulge that
603:33 cubicle syndrome oh I can't divulge that information you'll have to buy the book
603:35 information you'll have to buy the book what's it called again nice try I can
603:38 what's it called again nice try I can tell you that millions of people suffer
603:40 tell you that millions of people suffer from chronic cubicle syndrome it's a
603:42 from chronic cubicle syndrome it's a worldwide epidemic how would one know if
603:45 worldwide epidemic how would one know if one had chronic cubicle
603:47 one had chronic cubicle syndrome if you think you've got it
603:49 syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it is there any scientific
603:52 you've got it is there any scientific evidence to support your claim the best
603:54 evidence to support your claim the best kind it's called
604:00 anecdotal this is preposterous I'm a scientist and I tell you all that
604:01 scientist and I tell you all that anecdotal evidence is worthless talk to
604:04 anecdotal evidence is worthless talk to the
604:10 hand you certainly made him look like a boob we get all kinds I think we all
604:14 boob we get all kinds I think we all know from past experience that the
604:16 know from past experience that the scientific and medical community will
604:17 scientific and medical community will try to suppress this information behind
604:20 try to suppress this information behind red tape and double blind studies until
604:22 red tape and double blind studies until it's too late how many people have to
604:24 it's too late how many people have to die sir
604:27 die sir yeah it says in your bio that you're a
604:30 yeah it says in your bio that you're a doctor but our producer checked with the
604:32 doctor but our producer checked with the medical boards and we find no record of
604:34 medical boards and we find no record of you how do you explain that talk to the
604:37 you how do you explain that talk to the [Applause]
604:41 [Applause] hand there you have it our next Market
604:45 hand there you have it our next Market opportunity chronic cubicle syndrome I
604:48 opportunity chronic cubicle syndrome I hate to break it to you but there's no
604:49 hate to break it to you but there's no such thing as chronic cubical syndrome
604:52 such thing as chronic cubical syndrome I've heard of it you've heard of it
604:54 I've heard of it you've heard of it because it was just on TV so I think I
604:57 because it was just on TV so I think I have chronic cubical syndrome does it
604:59 have chronic cubical syndrome does it make your butt wider I'm losing muscle
605:01 make your butt wider I'm losing muscle tone I wondered what was causing that
605:04 tone I wondered what was causing that sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by
605:05 sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by n poops I believe that is a symptom of
605:08 n poops I believe that is a symptom of CCS Wally what's it say if this is a
605:11 CCS Wally what's it say if this is a ventriloquism act it's better with a
605:13 ventriloquism act it's better with a dummy I mean the tape measure calm down
605:16 dummy I mean the tape measure calm down there is no such thing as chronic
605:18 there is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome
605:20 cubicle syndrome Dilbert I value your input now who wants
605:24 Dilbert I value your input now who wants to develop a product to combat chronic
605:26 to develop a product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome first of all we're not
605:29 cubicle syndrome first of all we're not a pharmaceutical company second we're
605:31 a pharmaceutical company second we're Engineers not biochemists Dilbert I
605:35 Engineers not biochemists Dilbert I value your input now who wants to help
605:38 value your input now who wants to help Dilbert develop a product to combat
605:40 Dilbert develop a product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome hands you know
605:43 chronic cubicle syndrome hands you know the facts are completely against us here
605:45 the facts are completely against us here all right hang on here you know in our
605:49 all right hang on here you know in our man rush to cash in on this horrible
605:52 man rush to cash in on this horrible condition before the competition and
605:55 condition before the competition and before the class action suits get filed
605:57 before the class action suits get filed are we perhaps getting ahead of
606:00 are we perhaps getting ahead of ourselves what is our moral
606:03 ourselves what is our moral responsibility yes that is exactly what
606:05 responsibility yes that is exactly what I'm saying perhaps we need further
606:07 I'm saying perhaps we need further research yes perhaps further study yes
606:12 research yes perhaps further study yes well who's got time for that you PR no
606:15 well who's got time for that you PR no we need to create some favorable facts
606:18 we need to create some favorable facts first now favorable facts yes favorable
606:23 first now favorable facts yes favorable facts the other kind are worthless now
606:25 facts the other kind are worthless now let's see let's see we could flip a coin
606:28 let's see let's see we could flip a coin too risky we could test humans that's
606:31 too risky we could test humans that's always fun what about monkeys or rabbits
606:35 always fun what about monkeys or rabbits or puppies we've had some success
606:37 or puppies we've had some success hurting them in the past haven't we
606:38 hurting them in the past haven't we Dilbert could do some tests on mice mice
606:41 Dilbert could do some tests on mice mice are full of favorable facts very good
606:43 are full of favorable facts very good mice it
606:44 mice it is this is ridiculous but at least
606:47 is this is ridiculous but at least that's vaguely scientific I'll need a
606:49 that's vaguely scientific I'll need a bud to get some mice say what we're not
606:52 bud to get some mice say what we're not paying for mice good God man the streets
606:55 paying for mice good God man the streets are full of them it looks so real w-e
606:59 are full of them it looks so real w-e did you bring the
607:00 did you bring the cheese yes it's delicious and now the
607:05 cheese yes it's delicious and now the mouse technically I'm a rat not a mouse
607:08 mouse technically I'm a rat not a mouse I know but you're all we could afford on
607:09 I know but you're all we could afford on our budget that's the nicest thing
607:11 our budget that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
607:22 no signs of chronic cubicle syndrome yet he looks listless and bored that doesn't
607:24 he looks listless and bored that doesn't mean
607:26 mean anything my co-workers are idiots idiots
607:30 anything my co-workers are idiots idiots I say only I and I alone know all the
607:33 I say only I and I alone know all the answers you can't tell me that's not
607:35 answers you can't tell me that's not chronic cubicle syndrome we haven't
607:37 chronic cubicle syndrome we haven't established causation yet I'm wasting my
607:40 established causation yet I'm wasting my life in here there's no career path I
607:42 life in here there's no career path I want stock options I think my boss hates
607:44 want stock options I think my boss hates me because of the way he looks at me in
607:45 me because of the way he looks at me in the meetings why do the objectives keep
607:48 the meetings why do the objectives keep changing I am so customer focused you
607:50 changing I am so customer focused you are not customer focused let's just say
607:54 are not customer focused let's just say further study is
608:05 needed we're in start pouring the shampagne Happy Days Are Here Again wait
608:08 shampagne Happy Days Are Here Again wait wait with just one rat we don't think
608:10 wait with just one rat we don't think any conclusions can be drawn oh we'll
608:13 any conclusions can be drawn oh we'll draw conclusions all right you can be
608:15 draw conclusions all right you can be sure of that take this to the boys in
608:17 sure of that take this to the boys in the statistical Distortion Department
608:19 the statistical Distortion Department they'll fix the data for you tell them
608:21 they'll fix the data for you tell them Ike sent you your name's not Ike I
608:24 Ike sent you your name's not Ike I didn't say it
608:30 was I need you to distort some statistics from rat tests although I
608:32 statistics from rat tests although I don't agree with doing it I've just lost
608:34 don't agree with doing it I've just lost my will to fight it anymore I I don't
608:37 my will to fight it anymore I I don't need the life story let's see one rat
608:40 need the life story let's see one rat one test I can make these numbers prove
608:44 one test I can make these numbers prove that immortality is possible or that
608:47 that immortality is possible or that drinking hard liquor improves your love
608:49 drinking hard liquor improves your love life any of those ring your bell no my
608:52 life any of those ring your bell no my boss wants this test to prove the
608:54 boss wants this test to prove the existence of something called chronic
608:56 existence of something called chronic cubicle syndrome chronic cubicle
608:58 cubicle syndrome chronic cubicle syndrome everyone knows it exists
609:01 syndrome everyone knows it exists haven't you read the book have you you
609:03 haven't you read the book have you you don't have to actually read it if you
609:04 don't have to actually read it if you buy it it's an implied Covenant the book
609:07 buy it it's an implied Covenant the book offers absolutely no proof well that's
609:09 offers absolutely no proof well that's not my only source I'm a serious-minded
609:11 not my only source I'm a serious-minded person I also heard about it on TV
609:14 person I also heard about it on TV that's only because of the book all
609:17 that's only because of the book all right let's see we've got the TV the
609:19 right let's see we've got the TV the anecdotal evidence the book and now your
609:21 anecdotal evidence the book and now your study congratulations nice
609:31 work well I hope you're happy chronic cubicle syndrome is now an official
609:33 cubicle syndrome is now an official Condition it's sweeping the nation
609:35 Condition it's sweeping the nation chronic cubicle syndrome is real it's
609:38 chronic cubicle syndrome is real it's all in the book buy a copy for a friend
609:40 all in the book buy a copy for a friend the end what are you doing just
609:43 the end what are you doing just recording the audio version of my book
609:45 recording the audio version of my book that was it it's a bridged a bridged
609:48 that was it it's a bridged a bridged it's three sentences all right very
609:50 it's three sentences all right very Abridged I've been very busy Penning the
609:52 Abridged I've been very busy Penning the followup The dogbert Chronic cubicle
609:54 followup The dogbert Chronic cubicle syndrome cure diet and what might that
609:57 syndrome cure diet and what might that be I'll give you a hint it involves
610:01 be I'll give you a hint it involves [Music]
610:08 food what's going on here I'm shooting my
610:09 my infomercial infomercial for what dog
610:12 infomercial infomercial for what dog bird's secret juice formula many experts
610:15 bird's secret juice formula many experts believe that the symptoms of chronic
610:16 believe that the symptoms of chronic cubical syndrome can be significantly
610:18 cubical syndrome can be significantly reduced by drinking for to 28 glasses of
610:20 reduced by drinking for to 28 glasses of my special secret juice formula each
610:23 my special secret juice formula each day that smells like alcohol well I'm
610:25 day that smells like alcohol well I'm not at Liberty to reveal the ingredients
610:27 not at Liberty to reveal the ingredients it's an info no no but of course if
610:29 it's an info no no but of course if people get drunk they're not going to
610:31 people get drunk they're not going to feel the effects of chronic cubicle
610:32 feel the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome whatever it is that's not bad
610:36 syndrome whatever it is that's not bad would you mind doing a testimonial yes I
610:38 would you mind doing a testimonial yes I would
610:47 that and since I started drinking dogbert's secret juice for formula to
610:50 dogbert's secret juice for formula to combat the effects of chronic cubicle
610:51 combat the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome I'm a changed man hey what the
610:54 syndrome I'm a changed man hey what the how did he do that it's all computer
610:56 how did he do that it's all computer generated you're very teenic and by the
611:00 generated you're very teenic and by the way get secret juice formula
611:09 today since when do you exercise it's not exercise it's dorer
611:12 exercise it's not exercise it's dorer size I've never felt more alive I've
611:15 size I've never felt more alive I've never heard of dorker size it's all in
611:17 never heard of dorker size it's all in the dog bir chronic cubicle Sy syndrome
611:19 the dog bir chronic cubicle Sy syndrome 30 days to a smaller buted you workout
611:21 30 days to a smaller buted you workout video apparently if you eat less and
611:24 video apparently if you eat less and exercise 2 hours a day you can lose the
611:26 exercise 2 hours a day you can lose the weight caused by chronic cubicle
611:28 weight caused by chronic cubicle syndrome if you exercise 2 hours a day
611:30 syndrome if you exercise 2 hours a day and eat less you'll lose weight without
611:32 and eat less you'll lose weight without the video no this gets the cellulite too
611:35 the video no this gets the cellulite too it's completely different read the
611:37 it's completely different read the [Music]
611:39 [Music] book and sometimes when I stay up late I
611:43 book and sometimes when I stay up late I am tired the next day that could be
611:45 am tired the next day that could be serious what else when I don't eat I
611:48 serious what else when I don't eat I feel feeling emptiness in my stomach
611:51 feel feeling emptiness in my stomach that's because your spine is out of
611:52 that's because your spine is out of alignment it's chronic cubicle syndrome
611:55 alignment it's chronic cubicle syndrome I was afraid of that you'll need one
611:57 I was afraid of that you'll need one treatment a week until my boat is paid
611:59 treatment a week until my boat is paid for I hope it is not a big boat lie on
612:02 for I hope it is not a big boat lie on your
612:04 your stomach now I'm going to straighten your
612:06 stomach now I'm going to straighten your spine until you cry may I request
612:09 spine until you cry may I request anesthetics I don't believe in those
612:11 anesthetics I don't believe in those besides you'll pass out from the pain in
612:13 besides you'll pass out from the pain in a few minutes anyway oh
612:17 a few minutes anyway oh oh oh
612:29 Elbert Delbert oh there you are now you look
612:33 Delbert oh there you are now you look for me no never mind that why were you
612:36 for me no never mind that why were you playing games when you're supposed to be
612:37 playing games when you're supposed to be coming up with a buffo product to combat
612:39 coming up with a buffo product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome I'll tell you
612:42 chronic cubicle syndrome I'll tell you why chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't
612:44 why chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist that's the holdup how am I
612:46 exist that's the holdup how am I supposed to engineer a product for an
612:48 supposed to engineer a product for an imaginary condition poor Dilbert you
612:51 imaginary condition poor Dilbert you know Dilbert I've been around a long
612:54 know Dilbert I've been around a long time too long to count 1 two oh whatever
612:58 time too long to count 1 two oh whatever see I told you I've seen many people
613:01 see I told you I've seen many people good people failed by this dreaded
613:03 good people failed by this dreaded disease it's up to you my boy gosh I
613:07 disease it's up to you my boy gosh I don't know I'm all confused that's the
613:09 don't know I'm all confused that's the spirit don't do it for me do it for
613:12 spirit don't do it for me do it for yourself and if you don't do it for
613:14 yourself and if you don't do it for yourself at least do it cuz you'll be
613:15 yourself at least do it cuz you'll be fired if you
613:17 fired if you don't I call them shock pants they
613:20 don't I call them shock pants they deliver a severe electric shock to the
613:22 deliver a severe electric shock to the wearer anytime his posture gets bad and
613:25 wearer anytime his posture gets bad and that will cure chronic cubical syndrome
613:27 that will cure chronic cubical syndrome well if chronic cubicle syndrome existed
613:30 well if chronic cubicle syndrome existed it would probably have something to do
613:31 it would probably have something to do with your posture we need to test this
613:33 with your posture we need to test this on someone what did I miss can I help
613:36 on someone what did I miss can I help with
613:48 posture that straighten him out let's take this puppy to marketing and get it
613:50 take this puppy to marketing and get it in
613:51 in stores we couldn't wait for a shook to
613:54 stores we couldn't wait for a shook to get bad posture so I asked Dilbert to
613:56 get bad posture so I asked Dilbert to make this remote control to speed up the
614:05 demonstration I love it it's a device for shocking interns we can sell a
614:07 for shocking interns we can sell a billion of these actually it's a cure
614:09 billion of these actually it's a cure for chronic cubicle syndrome which
614:11 for chronic cubicle syndrome which doesn't exist but we've manage to get
614:13 doesn't exist but we've manage to get past that we don't want to sell cures
614:15 past that we don't want to sell cures for diseases that's too much of a downer
614:17 for diseases that's too much of a downer we'll be painted with the same brush as
614:18 we'll be painted with the same brush as that Jonah salt guy okay by me let's
614:22 that Jonah salt guy okay by me let's forget the whole thing you're not
614:23 forget the whole thing you're not thinking like marketing people let's use
614:25 thinking like marketing people let's use our imaginations our what you mean let's
614:28 our imaginations our what you mean let's use our imaginations isn't that what I
614:31 use our imaginations isn't that what I just said H I guess it is you know those
614:34 just said H I guess it is you know those yellow sticky notes were invented by
614:35 yellow sticky notes were invented by accident so is the space shuttle exactly
614:39 accident so is the space shuttle exactly how can we turn this huge mistake by an
614:41 how can we turn this huge mistake by an engineer into a victory by marketing
614:44 engineer into a victory by marketing I've got it we'll Market them as a line
614:46 I've got it we'll Market them as a line of casual wear for business yeah worked
614:49 of casual wear for business yeah worked with Dockers it can work for Shockers
614:52 with Dockers it can work for Shockers I'd like to go on the
614:53 I'd like to go on the record don't make your mistake any worse
614:57 record don't make your mistake any worse we're just lucky these marketing people
614:59 we're just lucky these marketing people were here to pull our fat out of the
615:02 were here to pull our fat out of the fire May I see that for a
615:16 moment in the news even as claims of chronic cubicle syndrome continue to
615:17 chronic cubicle syndrome continue to rise say every drone with the sniffles
615:19 rise say every drone with the sniffles is convinced he has it the sales of
615:21 is convinced he has it the sales of shock pants are soaring thanks to new
615:23 shock pants are soaring thanks to new corporate dress codes that make them
615:25 corporate dress codes that make them mandatory you might say workers are
615:27 mandatory you might say workers are dressed for
615:33 shess I get it no more making up words the success of shock pants comes despite
615:35 the success of shock pants comes despite widespread reports of seared flesh and
615:38 widespread reports of seared flesh and spontaneous human combustion if you ask
615:41 spontaneous human combustion if you ask me it's all rather
615:44 me it's all rather shocking and now for an editorial from
615:46 shocking and now for an editorial from our station general manager be besieged
615:49 our station general manager be besieged by pseudo science once again we now find
615:52 by pseudo science once again we now find ourselves in the grips of yet another
615:54 ourselves in the grips of yet another bogus claim designed to strike fear in
615:57 bogus claim designed to strike fear in hardworking people even as it fleeces
616:00 hardworking people even as it fleeces their meager savings accounts chronic
616:03 their meager savings accounts chronic cubicle this is crazy people are tired
616:07 cubicle this is crazy people are tired weary bored and depressed after A Hard
616:09 weary bored and depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in day out year after
616:12 Day's Work Day in day out year after year and endless dead-end job after
616:14 year and endless dead-end job after endless dead-end job with no future and
616:16 endless dead-end job with no future and no hope that's natural it's completely
616:19 no hope that's natural it's completely appropriate to feel that way how else
616:21 appropriate to feel that way how else should you feel if you felt good after
616:23 should you feel if you felt good after that Soul crunching experience that
616:26 that Soul crunching experience that would be sick chronic cubicle syndrome
616:28 would be sick chronic cubicle syndrome is just life you should have thought of
616:30 is just life you should have thought of that before your ripoff Cur started
616:32 that before your ripoff Cur started killing so many people it was
616:34 killing so many people it was marketing's idea to turn up the voltage
616:36 marketing's idea to turn up the voltage on the new models I argued against it so
616:38 on the new models I argued against it so it's not your fault no one could think
616:40 it's not your fault no one could think it was it's Dilbert's Falls I tried to
616:44 it was it's Dilbert's Falls I tried to stop it I thank the man upstairs that we
616:48 stop it I thank the man upstairs that we live in a country where the corporations
616:50 live in a country where the corporations can reap the profits from a death
616:52 can reap the profits from a death machine and through the use of loopholes
616:53 machine and through the use of loopholes and disclaimers not be liable when the
616:56 and disclaimers not be liable when the lawsuits start flooding in well then who
616:59 lawsuits start flooding in well then who is liable well you are me you invented
617:02 is liable well you are me you invented the Blasted thing well then why haven't
617:04 the Blasted thing well then why haven't I earned any royalties cuz you don't own
617:06 I earned any royalties cuz you don't own the patent well then how can I be liable
617:09 the patent well then how can I be liable well you see Dilbert technically in this
617:12 well you see Dilbert technically in this instance you're an independent
617:15 instance you're an independent contractor I am read the fine print in
617:18 contractor I am read the fine print in in the event that profits are realized
617:20 in the event that profits are realized by set invention the independent
617:22 by set invention the independent contractor is defined as the sucker in
617:24 contractor is defined as the sucker in the event that anything goes wrong with
617:26 the event that anything goes wrong with set invention the independent contractor
617:28 set invention the independent contractor is defined as the scapegoat is there
617:30 is defined as the scapegoat is there anything you'd like to say before we
617:32 anything you'd like to say before we hang you out to dry can I make a phone
617:48 call yes I'm so nervous to meet you in person Mr dogbert I'm your biggest
617:52 person Mr dogbert I'm your biggest fan may I have some eye contact I waited
617:55 fan may I have some eye contact I waited 2 hours please just one eye the only way
617:59 2 hours please just one eye the only way to escape from a bad idea is with an
618:01 to escape from a bad idea is with an even worse idea you're
618:04 even worse idea you're welcome using the same studies and data
618:07 welcome using the same studies and data we could announce that chronic cicle
618:08 we could announce that chronic cicle syndrome never really existed it was a
618:11 syndrome never really existed it was a statistical aberration then if I could
618:14 statistical aberration then if I could come up with an even better market for
618:15 come up with an even better market for shock pants would you let me off the
618:17 shock pants would you let me off the hook but they still kill people cuz I
618:19 hook but they still kill people cuz I got to tell you I never laughed so hard
618:21 got to tell you I never laughed so hard we can turn the voltage down and then we
618:23 we can turn the voltage down and then we can Market them to a different group
618:25 can Market them to a different group it's all about marketing so correct is
618:29 it's all about marketing so correct is it
618:30 it everything this is beautiful you have
618:33 everything this is beautiful you have one at home just like
618:40 it who will tell me who was the first president of the United States your
618:43 president of the United States your mother
618:44 mother [Music]
619:00 I'm happy to report that sales of the shock pants are once again zooming I
619:03 shock pants are once again zooming I guess we all know who gets the credit
619:06 guess we all know who gets the credit don't tell me it's the guys in
619:08 don't tell me it's the guys in marketing no but good guess is it you as
619:12 marketing no but good guess is it you as much as I deserve it no the credit goes
619:14 much as I deserve it no the credit goes to my boss's boss's boss who none of us
619:17 to my boss's boss's boss who none of us have ever met and never will credit
619:19 have ever met and never will credit travels up blame travels down it's like
619:21 travels up blame travels down it's like drinking beer from a straw if you know
619:23 drinking beer from a straw if you know what I mean I don't know what you mean
619:25 what I mean I don't know what you mean me neither it's something I once heard
619:27 me neither it's something I once heard although I've been completely hosed on
619:29 although I've been completely hosed on the profits of my invention at least we
619:32 the profits of my invention at least we can finally agree that chronic cubicle
619:34 can finally agree that chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist and never did are
619:37 syndrome doesn't exist and never did are you nuts just look at the size of my
619:39 you nuts just look at the size of my butt the dog bird exercise program
619:42 butt the dog bird exercise program really works and look at this muscle
619:44 really works and look at this muscle tone since I started drinking that
619:46 tone since I started drinking that juice I'm not loud anymore
619:55 more it'll take 24 sessions minimum can you give me all 24 today I'm in a hurry
619:58 you give me all 24 today I'm in a hurry well I do want to put an addition on my
620:02 well I do want to put an addition on my house ow ow
620:13 ow he's stronger than he looked Hi how are you what are you staring at
620:18 are you what are you staring at [Music]
620:27 [Music] he
620:52 you may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical business
620:55 been accused of unethical business practices is it because of the falsified
620:57 practices is it because of the falsified product safety tests is it because of
620:59 product safety tests is it because of the false stories planted in the media
621:00 the false stories planted in the media about our competitors is it because of
621:02 about our competitors is it because of our crime family connections what are
621:05 our crime family connections what are you saying those things are unethical
621:07 you saying those things are unethical too good God this thing is just
621:11 too good God this thing is just snowballing now where was I 7 years
621:15 snowballing now where was I 7 years ago during the summer
621:19 ago during the summer ah the heck with it Senior Management
621:21 ah the heck with it Senior Management has decided to confront this headon and
621:24 has decided to confront this headon and deal with the ethics problem directly
621:26 deal with the ethics problem directly they're surrendering to the authorities
621:29 they're surrendering to the authorities one might think that but one would be
621:31 one might think that but one would be wrong no they're sending all employees
621:35 wrong no they're sending all employees to mandatory ethics training classes
621:38 to mandatory ethics training classes including managers such as yourself
621:39 including managers such as yourself correct no a shook that wouldn't be very
621:44 correct no a shook that wouldn't be very managerial would it correct me if I'm
621:47 managerial would it correct me if I'm wrong but hasn't every eth ethics
621:48 wrong but hasn't every eth ethics violation in this company been
621:50 violation in this company been perpetrated by managers yes but the
621:52 perpetrated by managers yes but the point is managers are far too important
621:55 point is managers are far too important to waste their valuable time taking
621:57 to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes that's what
621:59 worthless classes that's what subordinates are for that and
622:03 subordinates are for that and dating please don't date me I promise
622:06 dating please don't date me I promise I'll work
622:07 I'll work harder your new masseus is here she
622:10 harder your new masseus is here she wants to know how you'll be paying
622:13 wants to know how you'll be paying paying did you explain to her that she
622:15 paying did you explain to her that she gets to touch my naked back there some
622:18 gets to touch my naked back there some reason that wasn't enough who needs her
622:22 reason that wasn't enough who needs her tell her to put an egg in her shoe and
622:24 tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it if you don't mind not at all and
622:28 beat it if you don't mind not at all and the following mumbling is not
622:29 the following mumbling is not necessarily about you ignorant pompous
622:32 necessarily about you ignorant pompous horses ass must be problems at
622:37 horses ass must be problems at home are we done here I think we're
622:46 done H I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden
622:49 hurried all of a sudden uh shook meet me in my office and bring
622:53 uh shook meet me in my office and bring fresh
622:55 fresh [Music]
622:58 [Music] towels oh oh my this is so not in my job
623:04 towels oh oh my this is so not in my job description I don't think I can possibly
623:07 description I don't think I can possibly stop whining and start slathering
623:16 [Laughter] [Music]
623:21 [Music] [Laughter]
623:22 [Laughter] [Music]
623:45 he [Music]
623:55 [Music] [Applause]
623:56 [Applause] [Music]
624:01 [Applause] [Music]
624:18 okay let's go around the room and each of you can explain what you hope to get
624:20 of you can explain what you hope to get out of this class we'll start with
624:24 out of this class we'll start with you I'm hot for you
624:27 you I'm hot for you Wall-E is that your real name it's
624:30 Wall-E is that your real name it's Egyptian okay so what do you want to get
624:33 Egyptian okay so what do you want to get from this class I'm hot for you w-e I
624:36 from this class I'm hot for you w-e I already got it thanks my personal goal
624:40 already got it thanks my personal goal for ethics training is to learn the
624:43 for ethics training is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality with
624:45 cultural underpinnings of morality with special emphasis on pragmatism versus
624:47 special emphasis on pragmatism versus Divine will
624:49 Divine will how about if I teach you not to
624:51 how about if I teach you not to steal that would be good too loud Howard
624:54 steal that would be good too loud Howard if a coworker can finded something very
624:56 if a coworker can finded something very personal to you could you keep it
624:59 personal to you could you keep it quiet yes this class is pointless we're
625:03 quiet yes this class is pointless we're not the ones with the ethics problems
625:05 not the ones with the ethics problems speak for
625:06 speak for yourself we're Engineers we have
625:09 yourself we're Engineers we have integrity and that's not for sale but it
625:11 integrity and that's not for sale but it is for rent excuse me I'm heart for you
625:14 is for rent excuse me I'm heart for you w-e consider yourself excused
625:23 there sure is a lot of weather today all up there in the
625:26 up there in the sky it was a lot like that yesterday too
625:29 sky it was a lot like that yesterday too right up that weather every day there is
625:32 right up that weather every day there is did anyone watch a sports event this
625:34 did anyone watch a sports event this weekend Oh I'll say oh Sports wouldn't
625:37 weekend Oh I'll say oh Sports wouldn't miss Sports not a Sunday without it who
625:39 miss Sports not a Sunday without it who was playing that's not important it only
625:42 was playing that's not important it only matters that the participants supported
625:44 matters that the participants supported each other as a team you men aren't at
625:46 each other as a team you men aren't at all what I expected I feel like the
625:48 all what I expected I feel like the glass ceiling for women Executives like
625:50 glass ceiling for women Executives like me is finally broken I mean here I am
625:53 me is finally broken I mean here I am networking with other Executives on the
625:55 networking with other Executives on the golf course privy to all your private
625:58 golf course privy to all your private conversations a we're all about
626:01 conversations a we're all about nurturing and
626:03 nurturing and diversity there goes your ball it keeps
626:07 diversity there goes your ball it keeps doing
626:09 doing that watch out for the turtles they're
626:13 that watch out for the turtles they're poisonous did we decide whose company
626:15 poisonous did we decide whose company wins the government bid this time my
626:18 wins the government bid this time my company got the flying submarine deal I
626:21 company got the flying submarine deal I believe your company wins the next bid
626:30 Edmund no no we won the bid for the invisible troop carriers well then who's
626:33 invisible troop carriers well then who's going to bid for the national internet
626:34 going to bid for the national internet voting Network contract for the good of
626:37 voting Network contract for the good of the oligarchy we will he's a good
626:46 man is it the high bid or the low bid that wins but that part makes my head
626:50 that wins but that part makes my head spin what were you talking about what
626:53 spin what were you talking about what did I
626:54 did I miss does anyone else think taxes are
626:57 miss does anyone else think taxes are too darn High who and pigs you don't you
627:01 too darn High who and pigs you don't you know
627:02 know it I'm pleased to announce that we have
627:06 it I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid to build the government's
627:08 won the bid to build the government's next Super project the internet voting
627:12 next Super project the internet voting Network I thought the bids were being
627:14 Network I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow yes but none of our
627:17 submitted tomorrow yes but none of our conference rooms are available tomorrow
627:18 conference rooms are available tomorrow so I'm telling you the results today
627:21 so I'm telling you the results today what's the internet voting Network it's
627:23 what's the internet voting Network it's a concept for letting people vote over
627:25 a concept for letting people vote over the internet in national elections
627:28 the internet in national elections Dilbert you seem to know the most about
627:29 Dilbert you seem to know the most about the internet voting Network so you're
627:32 the internet voting Network so you're the project leader what that's all I
627:35 the project leader what that's all I know and now that I said it everyone in
627:37 know and now that I said it everyone in this room knows as much as I do I tuned
627:39 this room knows as much as I do I tuned you out right after the part where you
627:41 you out right after the part where you started talking what's the internet
627:43 started talking what's the internet voting
627:45 voting Network this might sound crazy but after
627:48 Network this might sound crazy but after careful consideration I'm actually happy
627:50 careful consideration I'm actually happy for a change to be assigned a project
627:52 for a change to be assigned a project against my will the internet voting
627:54 against my will the internet voting network will double voter participation
627:56 network will double voter participation I'm going to make democracy work it's an
627:58 I'm going to make democracy work it's an awesome responsibility let me know when
628:01 awesome responsibility let me know when you get it working I almost wonder what
628:03 you get it working I almost wonder what it would be like to vote you mean you've
628:05 it would be like to vote you mean you've never voted it's too much of a hassle
628:08 never voted it's too much of a hassle but if I didn't have to drive look
628:11 but if I didn't have to drive look you're encouraging morons to vote that
628:14 you're encouraging morons to vote that can't possibly be good you can't use
628:16 can't possibly be good you can't use Wall-E as a typical example of Humanity
628:19 Wall-E as a typical example of Humanity I'm
628:20 I'm special take loud Howard he's more
628:23 special take loud Howard he's more typical of the average voter yes I
628:26 typical of the average voter yes I always vote for the tallest
628:28 always vote for the tallest guy the tall ones are better Dilbert do
628:32 guy the tall ones are better Dilbert do you realize that you could build a back
628:34 you realize that you could build a back door into the system and manipulate the
628:36 door into the system and manipulate the voting results for your own evil
628:38 voting results for your own evil purposes without ever being detected wow
628:41 purposes without ever being detected wow you could make a fortune from special
628:43 you could make a fortune from special interest groups did you learn nothing in
628:46 interest groups did you learn nothing in ethics class I tried but you covered
628:48 ethics class I tried but you covered your test with your hand one could make
628:51 your test with your hand one could make a fortune from special interest groups
628:53 a fortune from special interest groups but it would be unethical and more
628:55 but it would be unethical and more importantly it would destroy the
628:57 importantly it would destroy the Integrity of our democratic system I
628:59 Integrity of our democratic system I would never sell out my country for
629:01 would never sell out my country for money besides I have all the money I
629:10 need 900,000 a
629:11 900,000 a [Music]
629:13 [Music] million next it's a public school class
629:26 as you can see class Congress is in session and furthermore television
629:29 session and furthermore television violence is bad and these rap lyrics
629:32 violence is bad and these rap lyrics where's the gift shop they got a
629:33 where's the gift shop they got a bathroom in here can I use my cell phone
629:36 bathroom in here can I use my cell phone I just got paid shut up you kids are the
629:39 I just got paid shut up you kids are the leaders of tomorrow right well here's a
629:41 leaders of tomorrow right well here's a little something to remind you who your
629:43 little something to remind you who your friends
629:44 friends are oh
629:52 this is private Enemy Number One he goes by the name Dilbert he's in charge of
629:55 by the name Dilbert he's in charge of building the internet voting Network we
629:58 building the internet voting Network we have learned he is immune to monetary
630:01 have learned he is immune to monetary inducements his internet voting network
630:04 inducements his internet voting network is a threat to all our special interests
630:07 is a threat to all our special interests we must find a way to influence him
630:10 we must find a way to influence him without money without money what else is
630:13 without money without money what else is there use your
630:15 there use your creativity there must be some other way
630:18 creativity there must be some other way way to get him in our pocket I have an
630:27 idea no wait you said no money Keep It Coming keep it coming give
630:30 money Keep It Coming keep it coming give me some more of that mean green you just
630:33 me some more of that mean green you just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone
630:35 say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want you clearly have no
630:38 you want you clearly have no Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker
630:41 Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker you're making me blush but your employee
630:44 you're making me blush but your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements
630:47 Dilbert seems immune to our inducements he must have a weakness everyone does he
630:51 he must have a weakness everyone does he does have one weakness if you know what
630:54 does have one weakness if you know what I mean wink wink ah
630:59 I mean wink wink ah yes the one
631:01 yes the one thing thank
631:03 thing thank you I hope he was thinking free t-shirt
631:19 too fire fire hurry there's a fire
631:21 fire hurry there's a fire upstairs something's smoking but it's
631:24 upstairs something's smoking but it's not a
631:31 fire you have a visitor upstairs in the smoking Lounge we don't have a smoking
631:33 smoking Lounge we don't have a smoking Lounge we do
631:39 now hey where did all this new furniture come from and that TV we accepted them
631:43 come from and that TV we accepted them as gifts on your behalf you shouldn't
631:45 as gifts on your behalf you shouldn't have accepted these gifts they're from
631:47 have accepted these gifts they're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me how are
631:49 lobbyists trying to corrupt me how are they doing not very well
632:06 [Music] amateurs hi handsome my name's Ashley
632:09 amateurs hi handsome my name's Ashley this is a smoke free house maybe you'd
632:12 this is a smoke free house maybe you'd like to take me someplace that
632:14 like to take me someplace that isn't I'd better not I just had my car
632:17 isn't I'd better not I just had my car cleaned
632:19 cleaned I've been authorized to do whatever it
632:21 I've been authorized to do whatever it takes to make you a friend of tobacco
632:23 takes to make you a friend of tobacco whatever it
632:30 takes anything
632:32 anything well okay I'd like you to quit smoking
632:35 well okay I'd like you to quit smoking what it's for your own good I can't do
632:39 what it's for your own good I can't do that I'm addicted you it's an illness
632:42 that I'm addicted you it's an illness you can't just quit like that you said
632:45 you can't just quit like that you said anything you don't understand I need to
632:47 anything you don't understand I need to do this right away or I'll get fired I
632:49 do this right away or I'll get fired I mean because I'm all fired
632:53 mean because I'm all fired up when was the last time you brushed
632:55 up when was the last time you brushed your teeth look at me I'm perfect except
632:59 your teeth look at me I'm perfect except for one little bad habit get over
633:12 it do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics and rig the election just to
633:14 your ethics and rig the election just to date a woman like that I would never
633:16 date a woman like that I would never sell out our founding fathers
633:18 sell out our founding fathers tell the truth I admit that in theory
633:22 tell the truth I admit that in theory there is some level of hormonal
633:23 there is some level of hormonal excitement that could in some
633:25 excitement that could in some conceivable circumstance in the
633:27 conceivable circumstance in the hypothetical exceed the threshold of my
633:30 hypothetical exceed the threshold of my ethical
633:30 ethical self-control what if the woman actually
633:32 self-control what if the woman actually liked you let's hope that never
633:37 liked you let's hope that never happens I almost found a woman who likes
633:39 happens I almost found a woman who likes me how did you know well technically she
633:42 me how did you know well technically she was a tobacco lobbyist who was leading
633:44 was a tobacco lobbyist who was leading me on so she could get illegal access to
633:46 me on so she could get illegal access to my internet voting Network
633:48 my internet voting Network close enough that's my thinking did you
633:51 close enough that's my thinking did you use the old familiarity technique I
633:53 use the old familiarity technique I didn't have a chance what's the old
633:55 didn't have a chance what's the old familiarity technique it involves
633:57 familiarity technique it involves spending so much time with a woman that
633:59 spending so much time with a woman that she gets used to your faults it's like
634:01 she gets used to your faults it's like falling in love but without the expense
634:03 falling in love but without the expense if I could have made this tobacco Lobby
634:05 if I could have made this tobacco Lobby to spend enough time with me while she
634:07 to spend enough time with me while she was using you then maybe just maybe the
634:10 was using you then maybe just maybe the inertia would carrier beyond the point
634:12 inertia would carrier beyond the point of being repulsed by my
634:14 of being repulsed by my personality then one day if she breaks
634:17 personality then one day if she breaks up with a socially functional boyfriend
634:19 up with a socially functional boyfriend she might be too emotionally crippled to
634:21 she might be too emotionally crippled to date again and there Dilbert will be why
634:24 date again and there Dilbert will be why don't you just date a woman who respects
634:25 don't you just date a woman who respects you in the first place you can do that I
634:28 you in the first place you can do that I see your
634:30 see your point Dilbert we need to talk about
634:32 point Dilbert we need to talk about extending the deadline of your internet
634:34 extending the deadline of your internet voting project if I extend it we'll miss
634:37 voting project if I extend it we'll miss the election and I'll get a new summer
634:40 the election and I'll get a new summer home everyone wins you're ordering me to
634:43 home everyone wins you're ordering me to sabotage my own project it wouldn't be
634:45 sabotage my own project it wouldn't be the first time but it might be the first
634:48 the first time but it might be the first time I knew I was doing it if I do that
634:51 time I knew I was doing it if I do that the special interests win the Integrity
634:53 the special interests win the Integrity of our Democratic process will be
634:55 of our Democratic process will be violated our founding fathers would spin
634:57 violated our founding fathers would spin in their graves spinning you say We'll
635:00 in their graves spinning you say We'll strap magnets to them and use them to
635:02 strap magnets to them and use them to generate electricity if it makes you
635:03 generate electricity if it makes you feel any better it's clean power you
635:06 feel any better it's clean power you can't make me do this it's wrong there
635:08 can't make me do this it's wrong there is nothing nothing that will change my
635:16 mind how unethical would it be really to help a tobacco lobbyist riging a
635:17 help a tobacco lobbyist riging a national election just so she'll like me
635:20 national election just so she'll like me are we talking the ethics of pragmatism
635:22 are we talking the ethics of pragmatism or Divine will let's pretend it's the
635:24 or Divine will let's pretend it's the same thing we need some expert
635:33 help how did you get Ben Franklin's body you'd be surprised what people throw out
635:35 you'd be surprised what people throw out it's a little too late for him to help
635:37 it's a little too late for him to help us maybe not I saw this in an
635:40 us maybe not I saw this in an infomercial I've been dying to try it
635:51 it says it removes carpet stains too but I have my
635:54 I have my [Music]
636:05 doubts can anyone give me an update on my
636:05 my inventions well electricity is doing
636:08 inventions well electricity is doing fine that was a good one how about the
636:11 fine that was a good one how about the post office did it become the model of
636:13 post office did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned well to be
636:16 efficiency I envisioned well to be honest a stamp costs more than you paid
636:17 honest a stamp costs more than you paid for your first horse you can stand in
636:19 for your first horse you can stand in line for an hour then find out you're in
636:21 line for an hour then find out you're in the wrong line the expression going
636:24 the wrong line the expression going postal refers to someone losing their
636:26 postal refers to someone losing their mind going crazy and opening fire on
636:29 mind going crazy and opening fire on large groups of innocent
636:38 people nice work I killed Ben Franklin keep your shirt on I have no intention
636:40 keep your shirt on I have no intention of taking it off you make it hard for
636:43 of taking it off you make it hard for people to help you sorry let's increase
636:46 people to help you sorry let's increase the dosage
636:47 the dosage [Music]
636:56 thank you again but frankly get it frankly Franklin
637:05 frankly gee that killed at the Continental Congress was there some
637:07 Continental Congress was there some reason you keep bringing me back I have
637:10 reason you keep bringing me back I have an ethical question about our democratic
637:12 an ethical question about our democratic system oh yes by now I suppose you
637:15 system oh yes by now I suppose you figured out it was all a big joke
637:18 figured out it was all a big joke what he doesn't
637:20 what he doesn't know never
637:22 know never mind my dilemma is this we have this new
637:25 mind my dilemma is this we have this new thing called the internet internet yes
637:28 thing called the internet internet yes yes a global telecommunications Network
637:31 yes a global telecommunications Network built on the tcpip standards coming you
637:34 built on the tcpip standards coming you did not yes I did how could you I'm a
637:37 did not yes I did how could you I'm a Founding Father you little punk you want
637:39 Founding Father you little punk you want to start with me all right all right
637:42 to start with me all right all right anyway I have a chance to make a woman
637:44 anyway I have a chance to make a woman like me if I use the internet to rig the
637:47 like me if I use the internet to rig the next election would that be wrong sounds
637:50 next election would that be wrong sounds okay to me really sure the average Boer
637:54 okay to me really sure the average Boer can't find his bung hole with both hands
637:57 can't find his bung hole with both hands you don't want to leave it up to them do
637:59 you don't want to leave it up to them do you I thought maybe I did well think
638:02 you I thought maybe I did well think again if we're done here I'm really
638:11 hungry I should have got the 12 pack one internet voting Network
638:13 pack one internet voting Network completely programmed ready and free of
638:16 completely programmed ready and free of outside interference
638:18 outside interference so you decided to stick to your ethical
638:19 so you decided to stick to your ethical guns knowing that it would cost you the
638:21 guns knowing that it would cost you the love of a beautiful woman does it give
638:23 love of a beautiful woman does it give you newfound respect for
638:30 me oh no I'm having an election night party I
638:33 no I'm having an election night party I hope you can make it chug and vote come
638:36 hope you can make it chug and vote come enjoy hard liquor before voting from
638:39 enjoy hard liquor before voting from masasa thanks to your internet voting
638:41 masasa thanks to your internet voting network no one will ever have to vote
638:43 network no one will ever have to vote thirsty again loud Howard I don't think
638:46 thirsty again loud Howard I don't think it's a good idea to mix alcohol with
638:48 it's a good idea to mix alcohol with voting since when I mean how are you
638:52 voting since when I mean how are you going to understand an issue like say
638:54 going to understand an issue like say monetary policy if you're drunk I don't
638:57 monetary policy if you're drunk I don't understand it now do you no bring an
639:17 yay hey everybody the polls are open [Applause]
639:20 [Applause] to
639:31 democracy hey look at me I'm voting and I'm not even a
639:33 I'm not even a citizen one more of these and I'm in the
639:36 citizen one more of these and I'm in the green
639:37 green party now tell me am I for or against
639:41 party now tell me am I for or against nucular
639:43 nucular peripher I have to say this isn't the
639:45 peripher I have to say this isn't the proudest moment of my career
639:48 proudest moment of my career [Music]
639:55 [Music] is that the knob for Republican or
640:04 Democrat hurry up Foster the polls close in 30 seconds oh Fiddlesticks I just
640:08 in 30 seconds oh Fiddlesticks I just voted for someone named
640:15 McGee no it's been so long since I attended a meeting of the secret ruling
640:17 attended a meeting of the secret ruling class do you still handle elections the
640:20 class do you still handle elections the same way the old ways are still the
640:23 same way the old ways are still the best well the votes have been counted
640:26 best well the votes have been counted the people have spoken our new president
640:30 the people have spoken our new president is Harry as
640:41 McGee so seriously who do we make [Music]
640:49 president she said she might call do you think underneath her smoke stained
640:50 think underneath her smoke stained exterior beat a heart of gold uh if by
640:53 exterior beat a heart of gold uh if by Heart of Gold you mean lungs of charcoal
640:55 Heart of Gold you mean lungs of charcoal then yes I admit I was tempted to
640:58 then yes I admit I was tempted to destroy the Democratic process to gain
641:00 destroy the Democratic process to gain the love of a
641:01 the love of a woman love not real love but at least
641:04 woman love not real love but at least the kind that gives you false hope for a
641:06 the kind that gives you false hope for a few days I like false hope maybe she
641:09 few days I like false hope maybe she lost your
641:10 lost your number maybe she
641:14 number maybe she did no one leaves the to backer
641:22 Institute since I quit smoking I don't feel right about working here anymore
641:24 feel right about working here anymore you quit smoking you
641:29 you quit smoking you can't good Lord Martin you coughed out
641:32 can't good Lord Martin you coughed out Al lung can you push that back
641:42 in I met a man who convinced me to follow another path I'm going to call
641:44 follow another path I'm going to call him tonight I see no one leaves the
641:49 him tonight I see no one leaves the tobacco
641:56 Institute hey wait you can't do this let me
641:57 me go excuse me hello Ola where is the
642:02 go excuse me hello Ola where is the ladyes
642:04 ladyes room does anyone have any sunscreen
642:07 room does anyone have any sunscreen [Music]
642:46 [Music] [Applause]
642:54 I was working at a big company first a bank and then the phone company and I
642:57 bank and then the phone company and I was surrounded by Dilbert's you know
642:59 was surrounded by Dilbert's you know people who look like Dilbert they they
643:01 people who look like Dilbert they they dress like Dilbert they acted like
643:03 dress like Dilbert they acted like Dilbert and he started as a a doodle I
643:07 Dilbert and he started as a a doodle I would draw him uh for presentations and
643:09 would draw him uh for presentations and I would draw him on my little whiteboard
643:10 I would draw him on my little whiteboard in my my cubicle and one day I bought a
643:13 in my my cubicle and one day I bought a book on how to become a cartoonist and
643:16 book on how to become a cartoonist and sent off some samples to the big cartoon
643:19 sent off some samples to the big cartoon syndicates and United media called me
643:21 syndicates and United media called me back and said how would you like to be a
643:23 back and said how would you like to be a syndicated cartoonist
643:51 [Music] [Applause]
643:51 [Applause] [Music]
643:53 [Music] [Applause]
644:03 the first time anybody saw Dilbert was in a newspaper and I still had to work
644:05 in a newspaper and I still had to work my day job at Pacific Bell and I'd go to
644:07 my day job at Pacific Bell and I'd go to work every day and I'd do the cartoon at
644:09 work every day and I'd do the cartoon at night or before work and it took uh
644:11 night or before work and it took uh about 6 years before it really took off
644:13 about 6 years before it really took off and I could finally leave my day job
644:15 and I could finally leave my day job behind
644:17 behind Dilbert is your quintessential engineer
644:20 Dilbert is your quintessential engineer uh he cares about things more than he
644:23 uh he cares about things more than he cares about people he likes uh solving
644:25 cares about people he likes uh solving problems he has uh no social life to
644:28 problems he has uh no social life to speak of and probably never will but
644:30 speak of and probably never will but he's nice my troop leader said people
644:33 he's nice my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a
644:35 are nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this
644:38 chance she said I would learn from this experience he's a little bit of a victim
644:41 experience he's a little bit of a victim because people dump on you if you have
644:42 because people dump on you if you have that kind of a personality he's not very
644:44 that kind of a personality he's not very aggressive but ultimately he's
644:46 aggressive but ultimately he's optimistic first your generation
644:48 optimistic first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its
644:51 pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay
644:55 natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a
644:58 just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be
645:01 box that'll be $80 the turning point for turning
645:03 $80 the turning point for turning Dilbert into a TV show when it went from
645:06 Dilbert into a TV show when it went from just a bunch of ideas that lots of
645:07 just a bunch of ideas that lots of people had to the real thing was when I
645:10 people had to the real thing was when I met Larry Charles Larry had a great
645:12 met Larry Charles Larry had a great resume he'd been one of the original
645:14 resume he'd been one of the original writers on Seinfeld and he'd worked on
645:17 writers on Seinfeld and he'd worked on mad about you and we met and the first
645:20 mad about you and we met and the first time I saw him if you can imagine a guy
645:23 time I saw him if you can imagine a guy who looked like basically Jesus Christ
645:25 who looked like basically Jesus Christ in pajamas he wore pajamas everywhere
645:27 in pajamas he wore pajamas everywhere you know all day long he wore pajamas
645:29 you know all day long he wore pajamas and when he visited me um you know he
645:32 and when he visited me um you know he flew in pajamas and and uh that seemed
645:34 flew in pajamas and and uh that seemed normal to him and I thought God I got to
645:36 normal to him and I thought God I got to work with this guy is everything simply
645:39 work with this guy is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is
645:42 a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence
645:44 there another actual level of existence when I read the books I realized it was
645:46 when I read the books I realized it was like a whole philos op of life behind it
645:48 like a whole philos op of life behind it that was very very uh dense and complex
645:51 that was very very uh dense and complex and I totally responded to that it was
645:53 and I totally responded to that it was very Kafkaesque very chaplinesque like
645:55 very Kafkaesque very chaplinesque like modern times it had a lot of black
645:57 modern times it had a lot of black comedy it was very much about the Man
646:00 comedy it was very much about the Man Against the Machine The Logical man in
646:03 Against the Machine The Logical man in in the illogical world as you can see
646:07 in the illogical world as you can see our daycare facilities are second to
646:11 our daycare facilities are second to none
646:14 none a you can't put babies to work on an
646:17 a you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not babies they
646:20 assembly line these are not babies they toddlers
646:22 toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't
646:25 oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children Alice I didn't
646:27 know you wanted children Alice I didn't until this
646:29 until this moment how about
646:32 moment how about now hi Scott's visual style that sort of
646:35 now hi Scott's visual style that sort of dictates the look of the show's a thing
646:38 dictates the look of the show's a thing called a model pack that goes out to the
646:40 called a model pack that goes out to the animators that gives the exact
646:42 animators that gives the exact dimensions and proportions of all the
646:44 dimensions and proportions of all the main characters that has to be sort of
646:46 main characters that has to be sort of followed very carefully the animations
646:49 followed very carefully the animations would come in I would look at them offer
646:51 would come in I would look at them offer my input I'd make sure everything was on
646:53 my input I'd make sure everything was on model there are a lot of things that
646:54 model there are a lot of things that they're not obvious in terms of what's
646:56 they're not obvious in terms of what's going to be a problem when you bring a
646:58 going to be a problem when you bring a comic strip to TV one of them is that my
647:00 comic strip to TV one of them is that my characters uh some of them had no mouths
647:03 characters uh some of them had no mouths so Dilbert had no mouth he had no
647:05 so Dilbert had no mouth he had no eyeballs dogbert had no mouth we had
647:08 eyeballs dogbert had no mouth we had long meetings about what should the
647:10 long meetings about what should the mouth look like and we finally hit this
647:12 mouth look like and we finally hit this compromise cuz we didn't want to change
647:13 compromise cuz we didn't want to change the characters too much and the
647:15 the characters too much and the compromise was that you you only see
647:17 compromise was that you you only see their mouth when they're talking so it
647:19 their mouth when they're talking so it appears while the words are coming out
647:20 appears while the words are coming out and then it disappears again and that
647:22 and then it disappears again and that seemed to work good test it come on
647:25 seemed to work good test it come on Wally dance with us I don't hold hands
647:28 Wally dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons the
647:30 I'm only in it for fashion reasons the first person who says anything about a
647:32 first person who says anything about a bad hair day goes right in the hole the
647:34 bad hair day goes right in the hole the hardest part about making a TV show from
647:36 hardest part about making a TV show from a cartoon is everybody has a different
647:38 a cartoon is everybody has a different voice in their head every reader hears a
647:41 voice in their head every reader hears a different voice when they read the comic
647:43 different voice when they read the comic script and so we had to find voices that
647:45 script and so we had to find voices that not only worked for us us but they were
647:47 not only worked for us us but they were talented actors and actresses and they
647:50 talented actors and actresses and they would sound pretty much like what we
647:52 would sound pretty much like what we guessed people were Hearing in their
647:53 guessed people were Hearing in their heads we held casting sessions and we
647:56 heads we held casting sessions and we just kept on listening and hoping that's
647:58 just kept on listening and hoping that's one of the variables you hope that
648:00 one of the variables you hope that somebody just clicks like boom that's
648:02 somebody just clicks like boom that's him I always had a a voice for Dilbert
648:05 him I always had a a voice for Dilbert in my head that was kind of my own voice
648:07 in my head that was kind of my own voice but the problem was it's the voice the
648:10 but the problem was it's the voice the way I hear myself if I record myself and
648:13 way I hear myself if I record myself and then listen to it doesn't sound anything
648:15 then listen to it doesn't sound anything like what I imagin Dilbert sound like so
648:17 like what I imagin Dilbert sound like so so I I couldn't I couldn't even do an
648:20 so I I couldn't I couldn't even do an impression of myself to someone else to
648:22 impression of myself to someone else to say make it sound like this this is
648:24 say make it sound like this this is crazy people are tired weary bored and
648:27 crazy people are tired weary bored and depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in
648:30 depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in day out year after year and endless
648:32 day out year after year and endless dead- end job after endless dead-end job
648:34 dead- end job after endless dead-end job with no future and no hope that's
648:36 with no future and no hope that's natural it's completely appropriate to
648:38 natural it's completely appropriate to feel that way how else should you feel
648:41 feel that way how else should you feel we listened to so many people read for
648:42 we listened to so many people read for Dilbert that I was starting to give up
648:44 Dilbert that I was starting to give up hope people would come in profession
648:46 hope people would come in profession actors and we'd say you know that was
648:49 actors and we'd say you know that was good but can you you read it a little
648:50 good but can you you read it a little more sympathetically or a little more
648:54 more sympathetically or a little more something and they would read it just
648:56 something and they would read it just the same way a second time Daniel Stern
648:58 the same way a second time Daniel Stern came in and the the first time he did it
649:01 came in and the the first time he did it we we thought wow that is really close
649:03 we we thought wow that is really close and we asked him if he could do it
649:04 and we asked him if he could do it another way and he could do it with five
649:07 another way and he could do it with five different nuances and and all we'd have
649:09 different nuances and and all we'd have to do was ask and he could change it and
649:12 to do was ask and he could change it and we thought wow that that is some serious
649:14 we thought wow that that is some serious talent and he sounded exactly like what
649:16 talent and he sounded exactly like what we looking for and he was just
649:18 we looking for and he was just [Music]
649:20 [Music] perfect the casting for dog bir's voice
649:23 perfect the casting for dog bir's voice was probably the hardest because you got
649:26 was probably the hardest because you got to get a voice that's male but it looks
649:28 to get a voice that's male but it looks like it comes out of a small egg-shaped
649:30 like it comes out of a small egg-shaped fuzzy creature I thought you were going
649:32 fuzzy creature I thought you were going to wake me at 6:30 I also said women
649:34 to wake me at 6:30 I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes
649:36 like men who are shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern here you wanted
649:38 can you find the pattern here you wanted him to be kind of sarcastic so that
649:40 him to be kind of sarcastic so that everything he said had a little bit of a
649:42 everything he said had a little bit of a I'm yank in your chain he needed to be
649:45 I'm yank in your chain he needed to be aggressive sometimes so there were lot
649:46 aggressive sometimes so there were lot of qualities that you had to get into a
649:48 of qualities that you had to get into a small
649:55 package dogbert was actually the first character developed after Dilbert when I
649:58 character developed after Dilbert when I was doing the comic strip and it was
650:00 was doing the comic strip and it was just so Dilbert would have someone to
650:01 just so Dilbert would have someone to talk to Dilbert didn't seem like he'd
650:03 talk to Dilbert didn't seem like he'd have a lot of friends so he needed a dog
650:05 have a lot of friends so he needed a dog but I didn't want an ordinary dog I
650:07 but I didn't want an ordinary dog I wanted a dog who you know was very undog
650:15 likee not only does he not want to be your best friend and bring you use
650:16 your best friend and bring you use slippers but he might want to conquer
650:18 slippers but he might want to conquer the planet and make all the people his
650:20 the planet and make all the people his domestic
650:21 domestic [Music]
650:30 servants now dance for your Diplomat [Music]
650:32 [Music] Dance Now River
650:34 Dance Now River [Music]
650:38 [Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to
650:40 Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied
650:42 alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco
650:45 for the job this isn't exactly Monaco he's pretty self-absorbed and uh um
650:48 he's pretty self-absorbed and uh um pretty much feels that he's Superior to
650:49 pretty much feels that he's Superior to everyone else around him so obviously I
650:52 everyone else around him so obviously I was a natural choice for the job here
650:54 was a natural choice for the job here give me that microphone worship me put
650:57 give me that microphone worship me put bras on your head and chant dog bird as
650:59 bras on your head and chant dog bird as king while slapping yourself in the face
651:01 king while slapping yourself in the face with a slab of Raw Liver if you're
651:02 with a slab of Raw Liver if you're actually sitting in a meeting with Chris
651:04 actually sitting in a meeting with Chris he has kind of a I don't mean to say
651:05 he has kind of a I don't mean to say this in an insulting way but it's not a
651:07 this in an insulting way but it's not a manly manly kind of voice and it just
651:10 manly manly kind of voice and it just sounded like it might come out of a
651:11 sounded like it might come out of a small creature so he was perfect I think
651:13 small creature so he was perfect I think that Dilbert and dogbert is probably the
651:15 that Dilbert and dogbert is probably the most me the most interesting and complex
651:19 most me the most interesting and complex relationship because it it's also a
651:21 relationship because it it's also a shadow relationship uh an alter ego
651:24 shadow relationship uh an alter ego relationship uh one one permits the
651:27 relationship uh one one permits the other to be who they are Scott actually
651:29 other to be who they are Scott actually I think wanted to play dog bird at one
651:31 I think wanted to play dog bird at one point or thought perhaps he would when
651:33 point or thought perhaps he would when he when he wasn't finding somebody and I
651:34 he when he wasn't finding somebody and I think uh he he has a a similar
651:37 think uh he he has a a similar sensibility uh to the character he kind
651:39 sensibility uh to the character he kind of channels All of My Own Worst
651:41 of channels All of My Own Worst instincts he gets to say the things that
651:43 instincts he gets to say the things that I'd like to say but I'm afraid of
651:45 I'd like to say but I'm afraid of Retribution but a small dog can say
651:48 Retribution but a small dog can say those things and get away with it they
651:49 those things and get away with it they say Only the Good Die Young if it works
651:51 say Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking
651:53 the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents
651:56 of evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll
651:58 tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil
652:01 see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I have an
652:04 evil not evil looks like I have an opening some people before me had done a
652:05 opening some people before me had done a lot of barking and growling and um I I
652:08 lot of barking and growling and um I I guess I was the first guy who just just
652:10 guess I was the first guy who just just talked and uh uh because I I just can't
652:13 talked and uh uh because I I just can't do voices or characters which I I found
652:16 do voices or characters which I I found out painfully after one season on
652:17 out painfully after one season on Saturday Night Live um and uh especially
652:21 Saturday Night Live um and uh especially I can't bark so um I think Scott you
652:24 I can't bark so um I think Scott you know responded just to the uh normaly of
652:27 know responded just to the uh normaly of of my approach to the the dog as you
652:30 of my approach to the the dog as you probably know all the good product names
652:32 probably know all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who
652:34 have been trademarked by companies who are competent competent how are we going
652:36 are competent competent how are we going to compete with that we wanted a voice
652:39 to compete with that we wanted a voice for Wall-E that um didn't sound really
652:42 for Wall-E that um didn't sound really manly as many of the characters are not
652:45 manly as many of the characters are not but was male and and sounded a little
652:48 but was male and and sounded a little bit lazy a little bit shiftless uh like
652:50 bit lazy a little bit shiftless uh like he was just trying to get by just trying
652:52 he was just trying to get by just trying to survive the day and and not be
652:54 to survive the day and and not be noticed when a voice hit us we went with
652:56 noticed when a voice hit us we went with it even whether it was a star like
652:59 it even whether it was a star like Daniel Stern or Gordon hunt who's a
653:02 Daniel Stern or Gordon hunt who's a director and uh whose voice just kind of
653:04 director and uh whose voice just kind of was rattling around in my head when I
653:06 was rattling around in my head when I thought about Wall-E and I I and we we
653:09 thought about Wall-E and I I and we we we auditioned a number of people I said
653:10 we auditioned a number of people I said we've got to bring Gordon hunt in here
653:12 we've got to bring Gordon hunt in here he is wall oh these great character
653:14 he is wall oh these great character actors were there auditioning I thought
653:15 actors were there auditioning I thought what the hell am I doing here but uh uh
653:19 what the hell am I doing here but uh uh something some I think there was a
653:21 something some I think there was a certain nasality that he that he that he
653:23 certain nasality that he that he that he thought would suit this guy so that was
653:26 thought would suit this guy so that was my addition I don't hold hands I'm only
653:28 my addition I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons Wally was
653:30 in it for fashion reasons Wally was based on somebody I worked with he was a
653:32 based on somebody I worked with he was a guy who had been told his career was
653:34 guy who had been told his career was over cuz he' made a bad mistake but they
653:36 over cuz he' made a bad mistake but they weren't going to fire him so he could
653:38 weren't going to fire him so he could live out the rest of his days without
653:40 live out the rest of his days without being fired but never being promoted and
653:42 being fired but never being promoted and never getting a raise and he he used his
653:45 never getting a raise and he he used his uh fairly significant intellect to
653:48 uh fairly significant intellect to become the laziest employee who ever
653:51 become the laziest employee who ever worked at Pacific Bell most of my
653:53 worked at Pacific Bell most of my interaction has to do with Dilbert and
653:55 interaction has to do with Dilbert and with Alice and I'm constantly coming in
653:58 with Alice and I'm constantly coming in and just dropping the
654:00 and just dropping the most stupid or slightly unpleasant thing
654:04 most stupid or slightly unpleasant thing that one can say in a room and sometime
654:06 that one can say in a room and sometime getting smacked in the face by Alice for
654:09 getting smacked in the face by Alice for for doing it Alice could you clean up
654:10 for doing it Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly
654:13 the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I
654:16 discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have
654:19 don't mind see she doesn't have a there you
654:21 a there you go she's Pyramid Head she's got pyramid
654:25 go she's Pyramid Head she's got pyramid ha here not unlike my own and um she's
654:28 ha here not unlike my own and um she's in an office setting just trying to keep
654:29 in an office setting just trying to keep it all together I think she is the
654:31 it all together I think she is the Bastion of Sanity that's how I play her
654:34 Bastion of Sanity that's how I play her with my voice the Alice character was
654:36 with my voice the Alice character was based on somebody that I worked with at
654:38 based on somebody that I worked with at pacifi Bell it was a woman who was the
654:40 pacifi Bell it was a woman who was the only woman in a in a group of male
654:43 only woman in a in a group of male engineers and she was most famous for
654:46 engineers and she was most famous for for at least in my mind most famous for
654:48 for at least in my mind most famous for making two grown men cry at meetings
654:51 making two grown men cry at meetings string him up hang over get a rope back
654:54 string him up hang over get a rope back down none of us ate it it was like this
654:56 down none of us ate it it was like this one we got here how do we know it wasn't
654:58 one we got here how do we know it wasn't you Alice yeah I can prove it look
655:04 you Alice yeah I can prove it look here Kathy Griffin was uh my first
655:07 here Kathy Griffin was uh my first choice for Alice before we even talked
655:10 choice for Alice before we even talked to her and somehow you imagine that your
655:12 to her and somehow you imagine that your first choice is not going to be
655:13 first choice is not going to be available or doesn't want to do the job
655:15 available or doesn't want to do the job so some I had held that as my my ideal
655:18 so some I had held that as my my ideal voice and we're actually looking for
655:20 voice and we're actually looking for people who sounded like her and then it
655:22 people who sounded like her and then it turns out she was willing to do it so it
655:24 turns out she was willing to do it so it was perfect I'm not really one of the
655:26 was perfect I'm not really one of the pros I mean there are people that on
655:27 pros I mean there are people that on Dilbert that are frighteningly talented
655:29 Dilbert that are frighteningly talented that can sound like you know any age and
655:32 that can sound like you know any age and any ethnicity and male or female or baby
655:35 any ethnicity and male or female or baby and I'm really impressed with that what
655:36 and I'm really impressed with that what the heck is going on here where did all
655:38 the heck is going on here where did all this delicious smelling packing material
655:41 this delicious smelling packing material come from don't you know Dilbert I don't
655:45 come from don't you know Dilbert I don't think I in the habit of asking questions
655:48 think I in the habit of asking questions to which I know the answers am I it's a
655:51 to which I know the answers am I it's a lot of fun to play the boss because he's
655:53 lot of fun to play the boss because he's a guy on the surface who's a pretty big
655:55 a guy on the surface who's a pretty big knucklehead really out of it but as
655:57 knucklehead really out of it but as Larry Charles and I have talked about
655:59 Larry Charles and I have talked about that
656:00 that uh he could be it's the old crazy like a
656:03 uh he could be it's the old crazy like a fox the pointy hair boss um
656:05 fox the pointy hair boss um intentionally has no name so that
656:07 intentionally has no name so that anybody who looks at him can can read
656:09 anybody who looks at him can can read their own boss into him and he he's kind
656:12 their own boss into him and he he's kind of a kind of a composite of all the the
656:14 of a kind of a composite of all the the worst bosses I've ever had and the worst
656:17 worst bosses I've ever had and the worst ones I've ever heard of I appreciate
656:19 ones I've ever heard of I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments and with that
656:22 your heartfelt sentiments and with that in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting
656:25 in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting your benefits and increasing your hours
656:27 your benefits and increasing your hours everybody back to work that's exactly
656:29 everybody back to work that's exactly ler managed to play this voice that
656:31 ler managed to play this voice that sounded like somebody who was kind of
656:33 sounded like somebody who was kind of self-important but completely clueless
656:36 self-important but completely clueless and and he could get those two qualities
656:38 and and he could get those two qualities I mean that's the the sign of great
656:40 I mean that's the the sign of great acting is that they can convey not one
656:43 acting is that they can convey not one quality but two qualities simultaneously
656:45 quality but two qualities simultaneously and he could do that great
656:47 and he could do that great sometimes depending on how close you get
656:48 sometimes depending on how close you get to the part I like to come and I don't
656:50 to the part I like to come and I don't know how other people do it but I come
656:51 know how other people do it but I come in and say look there are 11 ways to do
656:53 in and say look there are 11 ways to do anything here's one of them the mean
656:56 anything here's one of them the mean here's a bit of bombast here's a way
656:57 here's a bit of bombast here's a way this guy could be funny I now son this
657:00 this guy could be funny I now son this is so hard for me to say actually it's
657:03 is so hard for me to say actually it's not you're fired clean out your desk and
657:05 not you're fired clean out your desk and leave but I
657:13 [Music] but CER was originally just a a regular
657:17 but CER was originally just a a regular cat that I introduced in the strip and
657:20 cat that I introduced in the strip and he was just going to be there for 2 days
657:22 he was just going to be there for 2 days and then gone and I got hundreds of
657:24 and then gone and I got hundreds of emails from people who said we love
657:26 emails from people who said we love Catbird bring back Catbird and the
657:28 Catbird bring back Catbird and the interesting thing was he didn't have a
657:30 interesting thing was he didn't have a name but everybody said bring back kaer
657:34 name but everybody said bring back kaer and you know I'm no genius but I figured
657:37 and you know I'm no genius but I figured if hundreds of people simultaneously
657:39 if hundreds of people simultaneously name a character you ought to bring him
657:42 name a character you ought to bring him back Mr catbert Director of Human
657:45 back Mr catbert Director of Human Resources what brings you out of your
657:47 Resources what brings you out of your lair I understand you've been praising
657:50 lair I understand you've been praising Todd you could say that his Personnel
657:53 Todd you could say that his Personnel folder is curiously empty no photo no
657:56 folder is curiously empty no photo no work
657:57 work history very very suspicious uh Todd
658:00 history very very suspicious uh Todd works in mysterious ways he won't work
658:03 works in mysterious ways he won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon
658:06 at all if his file doesn't turn up soon you see I don't believe in Todd you take
658:10 you see I don't believe in Todd you take that back there is no Todd Todd exists
658:15 that back there is no Todd Todd exists only in your
658:32 [Applause] now weird
658:34 now weird Rude the hardest part about making a TV
658:37 Rude the hardest part about making a TV animated cartoon is the time lag you
658:40 animated cartoon is the time lag you know the script looks okay but when the
658:42 know the script looks okay but when the actors read it you haven't necessarily
658:45 actors read it you haven't necessarily written to what they can do best and
658:48 written to what they can do best and then when it comes back from animation
658:50 then when it comes back from animation you know months later when it's fully
658:51 you know months later when it's fully animated you don't really know if it
658:54 animated you don't really know if it worked until you see it the thing that's
658:56 worked until you see it the thing that's been uh uh most shocking to me is how
658:58 been uh uh most shocking to me is how old-fashioned this whole process still
659:01 old-fashioned this whole process still is it's still boils down to people
659:04 is it's still boils down to people recording their voices it still boils
659:06 recording their voices it still boils down to somebody sitting in front of a
659:07 down to somebody sitting in front of a blank piece of paper and drawing a
659:08 blank piece of paper and drawing a picture the technology has not come that
659:11 picture the technology has not come that far before I started cartooning I was
659:13 far before I started cartooning I was going to work every day and i' just sit
659:15 going to work every day and i' just sit there and I'd feel the life force being
659:17 there and I'd feel the life force being drained out of my body you know I felt
659:19 drained out of my body you know I felt like I was in some kind of demonic UFO
659:21 like I was in some kind of demonic UFO torture chamber or something I think the
659:24 torture chamber or something I think the best writing is something that comes out
659:26 best writing is something that comes out of your own experience so I was uniquely
659:28 of your own experience so I was uniquely qualified to write about an engineer in
659:30 qualified to write about an engineer in a cubicle there's always people in here
659:32 a cubicle there's always people in here I started off being a cartoonist I used
659:34 I started off being a cartoonist I used to draw caricatures in grade school uh I
659:37 to draw caricatures in grade school uh I was the school cartoonist in my school
659:39 was the school cartoonist in my school newspapers this gave me an opportunity
659:41 newspapers this gave me an opportunity to sort of tap into that side of myself
659:43 to sort of tap into that side of myself where the sitcom it's like it's done you
659:45 where the sitcom it's like it's done you got to make the best of it you have to
659:46 got to make the best of it you have to edit into something and send it out to
659:48 edit into something and send it out to the satellites here I have the ability
659:50 the satellites here I have the ability to continue to rewrite it and re-record
659:53 to continue to rewrite it and re-record it and reanimated up until the very last
659:56 it and reanimated up until the very last minute what if during the Shadows that's
659:57 minute what if during the Shadows that's the only time you went to the light
659:59 the only time you went to the light color there is nothing more frightening
660:01 color there is nothing more frightening than seeing something that you've been
660:02 than seeing something that you've been involved with on television for the
660:05 involved with on television for the first time because you're sitting there
660:06 first time because you're sitting there and you're thinking man if this is bad
660:09 and you're thinking man if this is bad how many millions of people are watching
660:11 how many millions of people are watching it right now but I think after we got a
660:13 it right now but I think after we got a few episodes under our belt we were
660:15 few episodes under our belt we were firing on
660:26 cylinders I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading
660:34 about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife
661:02 frankly I was hoping for more [Music]
661:06 [Music] [Laughter]
661:08 [Laughter] [Music]
661:19 [Music] [Applause]
661:24 [Applause] [Music]
661:27 [Music] yes
661:37 [Music] [Applause]
661:39 [Applause] [Music]
661:43 [Music] [Applause]
661:44 [Applause] [Music]
662:25 dogbert is uh probably my favorite character he kind of channels the uh the
662:28 character he kind of channels the uh the worst impulses that I have the part of
662:30 worst impulses that I have the part of my brain that I'm least proud of um we
662:33 my brain that I'm least proud of um we put together some clips that show him in
662:35 put together some clips that show him in action take a look at these do you think
662:37 action take a look at these do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my
662:39 I'm a loser because I stay with my company yes it's just that one reason
662:43 company yes it's just that one reason thank you to save time I've hired a
662:45 thank you to save time I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for
662:47 consultant to help us find a name for our next
662:48 our next product he doesn't look like any
662:50 product he doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen recommendation
662:54 consultant I've ever seen recommendation downsize the loud guy by take it
663:03 back quizzing that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has
663:06 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has one
663:07 one Z that's the kind of thinking that
663:09 Z that's the kind of thinking that allowed you to lose 400 games in a
663:13 allowed you to lose 400 games in a row dog BT always a pleasure why don't
663:17 row dog BT always a pleasure why don't you come to the meetings anymore I'm not
663:20 you come to the meetings anymore I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court
663:23 actually a member of the Supreme Court really now I feel bad about letting you
663:25 really now I feel bad about letting you write all those
663:27 write all those decisions I didn't mind what brings you
663:29 decisions I didn't mind what brings you in today I want you to overturn the
663:32 in today I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named
663:34 conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just
663:36 Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just write up your decision and sign all your
663:38 write up your decision and sign all your names to it okay but make me sound
663:41 names to it okay but make me sound indignant and throw something in there
663:43 indignant and throw something in there about fairness you want a copy I don't
663:46 about fairness you want a copy I don't see when I'd ever read it this is slow
663:48 see when I'd ever read it this is slow pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't
663:50 pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch
663:52 get on base if you get hit by a pitch now let's hope the other team doesn't
663:53 now let's hope the other team doesn't know that
664:02 rule ice computers all around the world link up to form a colossal super
664:04 link up to form a colossal super beinging once it achieves
664:06 beinging once it achieves Consciousness I'd say the human race has
664:08 Consciousness I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose and I
664:10 pretty much served its purpose and I guess then the computers will try to get
664:11 guess then the computers will try to get rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan
664:14 rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan to save Humanity that's very Noble of
664:16 to save Humanity that's very Noble of you when I say save I mean as in I save
664:19 you when I say save I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles
664:30 mhm that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street why do
664:32 that's not the word on the street why do women see the fact that I'm kind
664:33 women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of
664:35 sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see
664:37 weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later
664:39 where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of
664:41 fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact
664:43 cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate
664:44 that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates in the Pillsbury
664:46 child of Bill Gates in the Pillsbury dough booy I thought you said everyone
664:48 dough booy I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes I meant
664:50 was wearing these clothes I meant everyone who's a woman I might have left
664:53 everyone who's a woman I might have left that part out what are you doing I'm
664:55 that part out what are you doing I'm posting false information on the web why
664:58 posting false information on the web why it's fun someone picks up a strand of
665:00 it's fun someone picks up a strand of false information spreads it around and
665:02 false information spreads it around and before you know it a panic is created
665:04 before you know it a panic is created then you just sit back and watch the
665:06 then you just sit back and watch the chaos I came for casino night casino
665:09 chaos I came for casino night casino night you might have the wrong building
665:11 night you might have the wrong building no I'm infallible I don't know why you
665:14 no I'm infallible I don't know why you can't remember that you buckled under
665:16 can't remember that you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl
665:19 the pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I
665:22 learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a
665:23 think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my
665:26 life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to
665:28 example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah
665:31 help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it
665:34 that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my
665:37 doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical friend okay to settle the
665:41 cynical friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if
665:43 question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good
665:46 it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost
665:48 okay then give me $20 because you lost the
665:50 the bet did I just make a bet that would
665:52 bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yes but
665:55 cost me $20 whether I won or not yes but you also got to help someone more
665:57 you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself my mommy is
665:59 fortunate than yourself my mommy is coming to pick me up in 30
666:02 coming to pick me up in 30 minutes your bets remember the system
666:05 minutes your bets remember the system face cards are + one number cards are
666:07 face cards are + one number cards are minus one you're teaching her to count
666:10 minus one you're teaching her to count cards this is so wrong hey a shook look
666:14 cards this is so wrong hey a shook look over there it's a rewarding
666:17 over there it's a rewarding career where I don't see a rewarding
666:20 career where I don't see a rewarding career I'm good next week I'll teach you
666:24 career I'm good next week I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for
666:25 how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie then I
666:27 the entire length of the movie then I have a special clinic on making all the
666:29 have a special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle
666:32 candy in the jar yours via the miracle of
666:33 of slobbering would you like to try a
666:35 slobbering would you like to try a vibrating chair get out of my way you
666:37 vibrating chair get out of my way you [Music]
666:46 pervert will you be sitting down in any of these no I'm going to run for it and
666:48 of these no I'm going to run for it and you might want to do the
666:51 you might want to do the [Music]
666:55 [Music] same pleas Mother of
667:50 not every boss has pointy hair but somehow they all act like they do and
667:53 somehow they all act like they do and you know what that means here are some
667:55 you know what that means here are some clips about bosses you lie to us every
667:58 clips about bosses you lie to us every day oh that's not lying that's
668:02 day oh that's not lying that's managing Studies have shown there's a
668:04 managing Studies have shown there's a big difference we have a warehouse
668:06 big difference we have a warehouse filled with lethal lozes we are
668:08 filled with lethal lozes we are currently converting for usage and
668:09 currently converting for usage and ancillary markets
668:12 ancillary markets buttons coinage
668:15 buttons coinage teddy bear eyes give me some more of
668:18 teddy bear eyes give me some more of that mean green you just say the word
668:21 that mean green you just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want you
668:24 and I'll assassinate anyone you want you clearly have no
668:26 clearly have no Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker
668:29 Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker you're making me blush someone in this
668:31 you're making me blush someone in this room leaked information to this magazine
668:35 room leaked information to this magazine regarding our new security measures now
668:38 regarding our new security measures now before you go accusing each other let me
668:41 before you go accusing each other let me accuse you I'd rather not say what my
668:44 accuse you I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is can't we just be
668:46 ticker symbol is can't we just be strategic Partners well aren't you the
668:50 strategic Partners well aren't you the mysterious one I'll bet you're an
668:52 mysterious one I'll bet you're an internet company aren't you maybe maybe
668:56 internet company aren't you maybe maybe not quiet I'm trying to
669:16 think you may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical
669:19 company has been accused of unethical business practices is it because of the
669:21 business practices is it because of the falsified product safety tests is it
669:23 falsified product safety tests is it because of the false stories planted in
669:24 because of the false stories planted in the media about our competitors is it
669:27 the media about our competitors is it because of our crime family connections
669:29 because of our crime family connections what are you're saying those things are
669:31 what are you're saying those things are unethical too good God this thing is
669:35 unethical too good God this thing is just snowballing he's always late what's
669:38 just snowballing he's always late what's he doing it's more important than
669:49 us uh shook meet me in my office and bring fresh
669:51 bring fresh [Music]
669:53 [Music] [Applause]
669:53 [Applause] [Music]
669:55 [Music] towels oh oh my this is so not in my job
670:00 towels oh oh my this is so not in my job description I don't think I can possibly
670:03 description I don't think I can possibly stop whining and start
670:05 stop whining and start slathering anyone
670:18 oh so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long
670:20 leave a sandwich in your drawer too long I remember when I'd be trying to sleep
670:22 I remember when I'd be trying to sleep in the little ties would be crying all
670:24 in the little ties would be crying all night in the Next Room how did you stop
670:27 night in the Next Room how did you stop them didn't have to turns out I was in
670:29 them didn't have to turns out I was in the wrong
670:35 house this car pooling together is a great idea who thought of it anyway you
670:38 great idea who thought of it anyway you did well I don't do you mind if I shave
670:42 did well I don't do you mind if I shave in the car I guess that would be okay
670:57 back I hope you realize I have to sell my car now you've seen your afterlife
671:00 my car now you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's
671:05 Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming
671:07 time you loosened up and started harming other people I've decided to promote you
671:09 other people I've decided to promote you to management what why I didn't do
671:13 to management what why I didn't do anything wrong at least not nothing that
671:15 anything wrong at least not nothing that you know
671:23 about but how do you like being a manager well I accomplished nothing
671:26 manager well I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent
671:28 except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own Amusement that's my
671:30 people for my own Amusement that's my favorite part
672:18 there is a difference between marketing and outright felonious activity but it's
672:20 and outright felonious activity but it's a very small difference the key to
672:23 a very small difference the key to marketing is doing whatever you did
672:25 marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't
672:28 before even when you know it won't work it just came in the
672:32 work it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in
672:34 mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the other one I
672:37 market research since the other one I was going to say other one it's not
672:39 was going to say other one it's not necessarily a car it's not then why are
672:42 necessarily a car it's not then why are we giving it a car name what else do you
672:44 we giving it a car name what else do you have how about the grunt Master the
672:47 have how about the grunt Master the grunt master I don't know it's missing
672:51 grunt master I don't know it's missing something grunt
672:53 something grunt Master
672:55 Master 6,000 that's it less features than the
672:57 6,000 that's it less features than the grunt Master 9,000 but just as fun hey D
673:01 grunt Master 9,000 but just as fun hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met
673:03 Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in normal
673:05 would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become reptilian
673:07 life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken bond does it
673:09 I feel we have an unspoken bond does it get
673:10 get HBO according to the direction you just
673:13 HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it
673:15 strap it on some sucker's head and it towards his excitement level when
673:16 towards his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we
673:19 exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops
673:20 need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a shopper we're afraid that when it
673:23 I.E a shopper we're afraid that when it comes out of the box it'll make a
673:24 comes out of the box it'll make a squeaking sound you mean from the
673:26 squeaking sound you mean from the styrofoam packing material it's a loser
673:29 styrofoam packing material it's a loser noise that sound tested extremely low
673:31 noise that sound tested extremely low it's that time of year when we sporty
673:33 it's that time of year when we sporty people in marketing give you Engineers
673:35 people in marketing give you Engineers your annual lesson in humility are you
673:37 your annual lesson in humility are you actually proud of the fact that you
673:39 actually proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and
673:41 spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel
673:43 playing sports just so you could excel at the picnicking Arts the don't think
673:45 at the picnicking Arts the don't think I'm telling Tales out of school and by
673:47 I'm telling Tales out of school and by school I mean our fine local community
673:49 school I mean our fine local community colleges when I say ABS positively now
673:52 colleges when I say ABS positively now this idea of yours for a marketing
673:54 this idea of yours for a marketing department sounds a bit risky but here
673:56 department sounds a bit risky but here at Nirvana company we pride ourselves on
673:59 at Nirvana company we pride ourselves on our willingness to explore new
674:00 our willingness to explore new directions until now it's worked out
674:03 directions until now it's worked out great I only hope this isn't the one
674:05 great I only hope this isn't the one time I'm calamitously
674:14 [Music] wrong and
675:04 most companies have a human resources department uh sometimes referred to as
675:07 department uh sometimes referred to as the inhuman resources department and the
675:10 the inhuman resources department and the Dilbert world is populated by cber the
675:13 Dilbert world is populated by cber the evil Director of Human Resources
675:15 evil Director of Human Resources take a look at these
675:17 take a look at these clips still want to play games me yes
675:21 clips still want to play games me yes you what do you want with me sign the
675:22 you what do you want with me sign the papers I can't see them oh poor you it's
675:26 papers I can't see them oh poor you it's just a simple confession standard
675:28 just a simple confession standard procedure in the human resources
675:29 procedure in the human resources department using the internet for
675:31 department using the internet for personal business pilfering dry erase
675:33 personal business pilfering dry erase markers kidnapping the Lindberg baby
675:36 markers kidnapping the Lindberg baby shooting Larry Flint wait a minute I'm
675:39 shooting Larry Flint wait a minute I'm not signing this oh yes you are I make a
675:42 not signing this oh yes you are I make a fortune at autograph shows hey wait a a
675:45 fortune at autograph shows hey wait a a minute I didn't do any of these things
675:46 minute I didn't do any of these things you should have thought of that before I
675:48 you should have thought of that before I forged your confession thanks for
675:49 forged your confession thanks for playing now go
675:51 playing now go [Music]
675:53 [Music] away we need your help I can't help why
675:56 away we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy aren't you the
675:59 not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I
676:01 one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what I want you to
676:03 have a great job or what I want you to make a shook my assistant if I made a
676:06 make a shook my assistant if I made a shook your assistant it would destroy
676:08 shook your assistant it would destroy his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need
676:11 his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need more than that help me help you all
676:15 more than that help me help you all right let's see it would breed
676:17 right let's see it would breed resentment throughout the entire
676:19 resentment throughout the entire employee population uh-huh nice you make
676:23 employee population uh-huh nice you make a strong
676:25 a strong case are you thinking no I'm toying with
676:28 case are you thinking no I'm toying with you all right I'll do it on one
676:31 you all right I'll do it on one condition name it I have to be there to
676:34 condition name it I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him
676:42 deal I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door why don't you
676:45 troll to guard my door why don't you hire another one well I would but they
676:47 hire another one well I would but they all know about our pending merger no one
676:50 all know about our pending merger no one wants to work in an administrative job
676:52 wants to work in an administrative job those are the first ones cut during the
676:54 those are the first ones cut during the uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm
676:57 uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm an engineer yes yes you were an engineer
677:01 an engineer yes yes you were an engineer what I'm changing your job title to Door
677:04 what I'm changing your job title to Door watching troll effective immediately but
677:08 watching troll effective immediately but then the cergy will get me well not just
677:10 then the cergy will get me well not just you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I
677:13 you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I can keep my own job that sort of loyalty
677:16 can keep my own job that sort of loyalty is always
677:27 rewarded I offer you some but I'm selfish oh do whatever you want it
677:29 selfish oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just
677:31 doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray
677:33 die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels
677:36 tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud well no well
677:40 playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your
677:44 tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife well
677:47 vision of the afterlife well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time
677:51 actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice
677:54 is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him
677:56 parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him
677:58 what we have for him nothing hey what
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