An immigrant's experience in the Netherlands has fundamentally shifted their perspective on success, productivity, and self-worth, moving away from a performance-driven, exhausting lifestyle towards a more balanced, authentic, and fulfilling way of living.
Mind Map
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I used to think that exhaustion was a
sign that I was doing something right
because busy meant I was valuable. It
meant that I was taking things serious.
And if I didn't come home on Friday
night flat out tired, I probably wasn't
trying hard enough.
But 8 years in the Netherlands will
change that thinking real fast. And I'm
not talking about going on holiday and
coming back refreshed. I'm talking about
living here. Navigating the norms and
the values of this society. And slowly
without even really noticing it,
the Dutch society and their habits
started to rewrite things that I didn't
even know were broken. So today I'm
going to share with you five Dutch
habits that have really changed my
>> [music]
>> Let me start with the one that probably
hit me the hardest. When I was living in
the US, I was performing. Not on stage,
but in life. But did I know I was
performing? No.
I was joining the right circles so I
could stand out, dress to impress, and
slowly becoming a version of myself that
I wouldn't say I necessarily liked, but
it was what you had to do to, you know,
get ahead in the US. And then I moved
here to the Netherlands. And I was hit
with a couple of phrases that were
really jarring for me. One of them was
niet opvallen, which means don't stand
out. Or the one that you've probably
heard of is
uh doe maar normaal, which means roughly
just act normal. And this doesn't mean
that Dutch people lack ambition. I do
not want that to be the meaning of this, but
but
because I mean, let's be honest, there
are some extremely wealthy people here
in the Netherlands that have really nice
homes and really nice cars. But they
don't have this need to show it off or
to put it in your face.
And the reason being is the the Dutch
society is pretty horizontal. And an
example of this is you're riding your
bike and the lady next to you probably
owns half of that building right there.
But you would never know it because she
doesn't have this need to point that out
or to show it off to you. And the reason
why this was so jarring to me is because
this is a completely different way of
living in a completely different way of
thinking. And over time I've realized that
that my
my
definition of success has become a lot
quieter, more honest, and to be honest
with you, a hell of a lot cheaper.
When I think about my first day in the
Netherlands, I came here with one
professional speed,
fast and decisive. And I was rewarded
for that behavior. You see, in the
United States, we make quick, decisive, clear,
clear, top-down
top-down
decisions. And we are rewarded for that
kind of behavior. And to be honest with
you, I was pretty damn good at it.
And then I made it here to the
Netherlands and I was humbled by their consensus-driven
consensus-driven
approach. Basically, they do a polder
model. And this means that everyone that
has a stake in the decision gets to
provide their opinion. Uh they get to
ask questions. And sometimes that
feedback felt borderline rude. And I
would just look at my colleagues like,
what the hell is happening? And they
were like, no, it's just we're just
being honest. And I mean, they could be
talking to the CEO and I'm just sitting
there thinking, holy smokes, somebody
going to get fired? Like, it was just
such a different way of working. And
now that I look back on it, I realize
that in the United States, we tend to
have a decision that comes from on high
and we start moving. And if we need to
fix things along the way, that's what we
do. Here in the Netherlands, because you
build this consensus ahead of time,
there's actually less things to fix on
the back end because you've already run
through a lot of different obstacles and
you play kind of these war games to make
sure that things move smoothly. So, what
I've really the habit that I've really
learned here is that
it's it's really nice to go with people
versus going ahead of people. And in
this society, trust me, that's going to
pay dividends. For this next habit, I
need you to picture something. So,
you're at work and you're typing away on
your computer and your head is down >> [clears throat]
>> [clears throat]
>> and you happen to look up and the room
is empty.
And you're like,
is there a fire drill and I missed the
horn? But no. No.
No.
It's around 5:00 and they're gone home.
And you're still sitting here. And the
reason being is because back in the US,
leaving at around 5:00 meant you don't
care. You're not trying hard enough.
You, my friend, are not going to be in
line for that promotion. But here,
leaving around 5:00 means it's Tuesday.
Like, seriously. The Dutch
are the Dutch society, at least in my
opinion, have found this balance of when
you're at work, you do work, and when
it's time to go home, it's time to go
home. And I'll tell you, I have numbers
to back this up. I looked at the OECD
data. Back in 2023, the average Dutch
person worked about 1,500 hours a year.
The average American, about 1,800 hours
a year.
This means that you get,
probably about seven more weeks where
you can enjoy life. Um versus, you know,
here in the Netherlands versus what we
did in the United States. And here's the
other thing. I don't know if a lot of
people realize, there is still no
federal mandate for paid leave. This is
done state by state. So, yeah, it was
one of those things that made me start
to think,
I need to live my life a lot differently
because just trying to stay behind this
computer and, you know, stand out is not
working. I'm actually exhausted. And
this is when I got introduced to the
word niksen.
Now, this means the art of doing nothing.
nothing.
And I tried it and I failed miserably.
So I thought, let me start small. That
meant go grab a coffee and instead of
getting the coffee to go, sit down,
enjoy the coffee, just relax. Next, it
was go out with friends for dinner.
Don't worry about the time. Just enjoy
the flavors, enjoy the meal, enjoy the
company. You don't need to be in a rush.
8 years later, baby,
I got niksen now. When I tell you that
once a week, I usually do it on Sunday,
I practice niksen and I am a pro at it.
I grab my glass of wine, I go out on the
balcony, and I will sit for hours
looking at the clouds, seeing what shape
they make, looking at birds flying
around, looking at airplanes going
through the air. Sometimes just closing
my eyes and just listening to the sounds
that are around me.
I don't care whether someone thinks I'm
being productive or not. I am enjoying
my life. So I have to tell you, my
friend, you need to try practicing
niksen. It is so good for you mentally.
The next habit I learned has to do with
food. And I don't know, it seems like
every video I'm talking about food. I
told you guys, I love food. But when I
lived in the US, getting good quality,
high quality food was a project. And
what I mean by this is I had to get in
the car, drive for a little while, and
find parking, and go into like a Whole
Foods. And it wasn't that I lived in a
food desert. I lived in a really nice
neighborhood, but from a socio-economic uh
uh
standpoint, our neighborhood wasn't good
enough for a Whole Foods. Now, if you
contrast that with living here in Den
Haag, I can walk for 15 minutes or bike
for 5 minutes and I'll pass by three
supermarkets. There even markets, local
markets here that I'm just thinking in
my head, I can think of three of them
that are not that far from my house here
in Den Haag that I can go to. The other
thing that's really different here is in
the United States,
when I was driving to that Whole Foods,
you would pass by a fast food joint like
on every corner. And again, remember, I
lived in a really nice neighborhood. It
wasn't a food desert. But you come here
to where I live in Den Haag and it is
cafes, it is sit-down restaurants, but
it's not like that fast food crap on
every corner. We do have them here,
don't get me wrong. As a matter of fact,
we have a Five Guys here. They don't
even have that in Amsterdam, but it's
not on every corner, and you're not
having to make the choice between
high-quality food or cheap and
convenient. Because I'm going to be
honest, when I lived in the United
States, being a mom of three, cheap and
convenient was usually what won out most times.
times.
Uh Whole Foods, that was a special thing
that we did when we had a little bit of
extra money. So, I'm just really excited
about the habit of eating well now. Now,
this last habit may confuse some of my
Dutch audience or my European audience
at large. So, sit down and bear with me.
You ready?
I'm black. And I know that sounds funny,
but it's really not as a black American.
Because this means that I have had to
live in an environment that was exhausting
exhausting
and required me to do something that's
called code-switching. And this
basically means that I would have to
adjust the way that I speak, how I
present myself, how I show up in certain
rooms, just so I wouldn't be held back
on something that I can't control. Let
me give you an example so I can make this
this
something that you can really wrap your
head around because I know saying this,
it sounds bananas.
When we moved to Europe in 2014, first
we lived in Germany, and of course, for
the last 8 years we've been in the
Netherlands. But when we moved here in 2014,
2014,
it was still legal for employers in the
United States to overlook candidates and
discriminate against them
based on their hair
for jobs. Like
it just sounds so crazy, but it was
true. And I'm not saying every employer,
and I'm not saying that this happened
everywhere, but it happened enough that
the state of California became the first
state to pass a Crown Act. And again,
this just basically means that you can't
discriminate against a potential
candidate because of their natural hair.
And we're talking, you know, hair that
grows out of our scalp. Um when you're
wearing dreadlocks or when you're
wearing protective styles like braids.
And as of 2026,
only 27 states and Washington, D.C. have
passed the Crown Act. That means that 23 states
states
still allow this practice to go on. Now,
if we can be discriminated against with
just our hair, don't even get me started
talking about, you know, the educational
system, housing, things of that nature.
Now, I'm going to be honest here. I am
not saying that the Netherlands is
perfect, far from it. I don't think any
Dutch person would say that it is. And
as a black American, I'm also not going
to say that there are no there that
there is no racism here. I know that it
exists, it's just in different forms, at
least that has been my story. I've heard
from other people that they have
different stories, but for me, it hasn't
been my story. So, the habit that I've
learned here in the Netherlands is that,
yeah, I can show up as my full self. I
moved to the Netherlands 8 years ago not
to change my habits. I came here for
work. But the one thing I would say is I
don't think you can really live in a
society for any length of time without
it changing you. Now, these Dutch habits
haven't made me into some new person. I
still have my ambition. I still have my drive.
drive.
But I think I'm more
of myself now than I've ever been in my
life. Instead of trying to go ahead of
my colleagues, I go with them. Instead
of having to perform,
I'm just me, and it feels amazing.
If any of this resonated with you,
please let me know in the comments. I
would genuinely like to know what habit
you're working on or maybe which one
you're giving a thought to, like maybe
mixing. Um
if you are enjoying this content and
you're new to the channel, welcome.
Uh please subscribe because this is a
channel about honest, everyday living as
an immigrant here in the Netherlands. I
don't have any highlight reels. My life
is not a highlight reel. So, if you're
looking for that, this is not the place.
This is just honest, genuine, yeah,
commentary about what it's like to live
in another country in your 50s and
above. So, thank you so much for
watching. Thank you to all of my
subscribers. I look forward to seeing
you in the next video. But whatever you
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