[Music] [Laughter]
[Music] [Applause]
I thought you were going to wake me at
6:30 I also said women like men who are
shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern
pattern
here I had the egg dream again I I I
what do you think an egg dream means
probably an omen a good omen how many
good Omens involve things that come out
of a chicken's butt there only has to be one
one [Music]
[Music]
bathroom I didn't know you had your own
toothbrush good morning shower good
morning Dilbert don't you do enough
engineering at work work is just
meetings this is engineering if this
works someday all showers will be voice
activated is it that hard to turn the
the knobs it's not that it's hard it's
unnecessary 99 please [Music]
[Music] 99
99
400 nice try but the shower is
calibrated to respond to my voice only
well you think of everything I'm
cautious that's why you had training
wheels on your bike until you were 17 I
14 9 99 9
don't do that where'd you get the voice
for that thing sounds like the computer
from that stupid movie what was it
something something A Space Odyssey it
wasn't something something A Space
Space on the plus side you look very clean
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
are we sticking with our ban on useless
checking Wally yes push the button why
just because I'm standing near them yes
I pushed the button yesterday Wally do
I I had the egg dream again last night
I've often said there's nothing more
interesting than hearing about someone's
dream EGS you're not the first engineer
to have that dream you too no I'm saying
old Jack Cooper had that dream right
before he turned into the chicken man
it's impossible to turn into a chicken a
chicken yes but chicken man that can
happen what happened happened to Jack
Cooper he was an engineer much like you
until they put him in charge of a
project the frustration started building
up he started having the egg dream he'd
stand up during meetings all agitated
and he'd wave his arms around like a
chicken what project was he working on
that's the thing no one could agree on
the project name that's what got him
what happened I think he's with the
circus poor clucker [Music]
[Music]
thank you for calling please dial your
pound you have
937 messages all of which are marked
urgent first Urgent Message this is Ted
I'm just calling to tell you I sent you some
some
jeez the network is slow
no is it yes nothing your resumes people
are bailing out there must be a problem
with our new flagship product H The
herbal throat lenges I told him at the
rollout meeting that anthrax was a
bacteria not an herb no you didn't I was
thinking it pretty hard oh some poor
marketing executive will have to take
the fall for this one Bob you made quite
a mess with the herbal lozes product
line don't believe everything you read
in all the major news outlets try
one worth a shot Bob you're like a son
to me you don't have a son that's where
I'm headed here oh now this isn't easy
for either of us but I have to ask you
to take your huge executive severance
package and go find a higher paying job
at another company this is barbaric I
I've heard a
rumor I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry I
heard a rumor our loes product wiped out
of town I can't believe it those loes
were made of natural
ingredients we can see the devastation
but how does this make you feel my
he's always late what's he doing that's
us uhoh draw is almost full I'll need a
new desk hey Alice
looky so what's life like in your
village tongi and tell me everything I'm
not paying for the call well troops I
assume you've all been informed about
the problems with our Flagship product I
don't well there's no no point in
killing a dead horse you mean there's no
point in beating a dead horse why would
anyone beat a dead horse why would
anyone kill a dead horse maybe it kicked
you it's dead and so is every customer
who used our Flagship product now we
have a warehouse filled with lethal
lozenges we are currently converting for
usage in ancillary markets buttons
buttons
coinage teddy bear
eyes the point is we all must embrace
change no that is very bad we don't like
that well we have to make up for the
revenue shortfall and there are only two
ways to do that create a new product or
make massive painful budget
cuts let's make a new product that is
exactly my plan oh I love
a phase
one we need a name for the product uh
that's actually the last step you've got
the transparencies out of order he
doesn't like being corrected now he must
do something terrible to you something
to teach us all a lesson
Gilbert I'd like you to take the lead on this
project step one the name the name is
the last thing you do oh use some common
sense son if you don't know something's
name how do you know what to build focus
groups market research detailed user
specifications and the
name do you think the guy who invented
the mouse pad started with the name
what's a mouse pad feminine protection for
for
mice if we don't know what the product
is we'll never agree on its name we'll
have meeting after meeting after meeting
everyone will want to have input because
input is much easier than doing real
work the only way we'll ever get that
many people to agree is look
look oh that's not
a I am not the chicken man I'll get you
a name anyway it's better than mass of
painful budget cuts actually we're doing
that too it's being announced right
now I got your budget cuts right
here we expect some loading maybe you
people can just sit here while this
how hard get a beat to name a product
that Jack Cooper just didn't have what it
takes that happens to be the best way to
stom out of fire dver help I've been
shot I've been shot I've been shot I
have a few problems of my own you know
yeah I heard about the name thing that's a
a [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
drag I'm okay everything's okay things
could be
God why don't you call your product the
vetrx 9000 why would I call it that I'm
just trying to help I know it's hard for
you to come up with a name what with
your poor verbal skills there's nothing
wrong with my verbal skills it only
seems that way because my math skills
are so high there's no reason to get all
news wed about this he's more pacious
than naric whatever that means I am not
there there I know what you're doing
your Scrabble Mind Games will not work
[Music]
mipuluk 6,000 what kind of product do
you see when you imagine a gruntmaster
6000 well it's a strip down version of
the gruntmaster 9,000 of course but it's
software upgradable can we just play all
right then standard Scrabble rules apply
no kicking biting or slapping no
projectiles of any kind name calling
turn it give me four big ones you
wrinkled toad yes yes it that's not a
word I challenge you challenge it give
dictionary what kind of stupid
dictionary is
this Websters I think it's the one your
company makes that would explain it
explain it what's an it quick
Sonic that's triple word score plus 50
for using all seven letters q and the X
that's 152 stinking totally lucky points
dance quizzing
that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only
has one
Z that's the kind of thinking that
row thank you all for coming especially
those of you who weren't invited and
have no reason to be here
sure to save time I've hired a
consultant to help us find a name for
our next
product he doesn't look like any
consultant I've ever seen
recommendation downsize the loud guy by
take it back anyone else want a piece of
me as you probably know all the good
product names have been trademarked by
companies who are competent
competent how are we going to compete
with that there are still plenty of
names left in the areas of Greek
mythology bodily secretions diseases and
everything involving intestines I like
all of those things remember the first
rule of brainstorming is to openly mock
the opinions of others I thought it was
the other way around Swift let's start
with you accounting guys Walter's good
at this creative stuff he just named his
baby how is Walter Jr she's fine thanks
for asking
that was a dry hole do we have anyone
marketing lie to me our next upgrade
will solve the
problem I like the sound of it but how
do you
spell wter has a name for the product how
how about
about
Ford hm that seems to be taken by the
Company maybe for will sell the name
everyone has a price you're not allowed
to talk anymore how about something from
the disease category they can't all be
that bad how about cbera I like the
sound of it seia
seia
CIA that's not a disease it's a
condition it doesn't have to be a
disease let's stay focused diseases
secretions praks how about Copus the guy
who pushed a rock up a hill for eternity
that fits this project h I like it it
conveys a sense of playfulness it's
supposed to convey a sense of futility
you have to look at it from the Rocks
point of
view how about toe fungus that's a
disease cellulite
cellula cellula and when you take your
sock off and you can still see the
indent on your ankle is that called
anything that's it I can't take it
anymore I will not turn into the chicken
man pick a name any name
here acorn Acorn okay that's the name I
know it's taken but it's just a little
mom and popop dry cleaners we can buy
their name okay then buy it we'll
present it to my boss next week I feel
the curse of the chicken man lifting
already now all you need is a second
name to present at the same time a
really bad name why do we need a second
name it's a decoy always give your boss
two choices one to reject one to approve
it creates the illusion of
leadership you always bring me to
choices for you both choices are always
real oh all right we need a decoy name
that's plausible yet frighteningly bad H
how about salmonella in honor of rooster boy
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
here can I speak with the owner why so
you can make false accusations about us
wearing customiz clothing to sporting
events I defy you to prove it no I you
don't scare me you potato shap bully you
foure tall foreheaded shortpants man I'm
not here to
complain oh well we're not French well
why do you talk because we're rude it
just sounds better with the French
accent so what do you want my company
would like to buy the name Acorn we'll
pay never acor was our only son's
nickname it do not for sale as long as
his store still stands I need that name
leave the premises now or I will be
forced to call the strip more security
guard who although old and Fe will whip
you and beat you without Mercy until you
sing campfire songs in the voice of a little
girl thanks for all your help the acorn
dry cleaners won't last forever just let
nature take its course nature how long
nature would you like to try a vibrating
chair get out of my way you pervert [Music]
will you be sitting down in any of these
no I'm going to run for it and you might
[Music]
same Mother of [Music]
God remind me to never negotiate with you
am I late right on time sir oh in that
case I've got time to make some phone
rude am I late now yes but it's not
because you're an inconsiderate adult
it's because you're more important than
us all right so what do you have for me
we need your approval for the name
wait the smell of fresh Ficus it
transports me back to my youth summers
in the Catskill Mountains settle in this
could be a long [Music]
[Music]
one we'd all go to turtle pond to swim
and laugh and play games amongst the wild
Ficus One
Day tragedy [Music]
[Music]
struck a turtle made off with my trunks [Music]
[Music]
I stayed in the water as long as I could
but the water was cold soon a crowd
formed they gave me a nickname on the
spot one that still haunts me [Music]
[Music]
Acorn my awful non-french parents even
but that's all in the past what do you
have for me well we just need your
approval on our next product name sal
manella sal
God what nothing nothing no what's my
other choice people usually give me two
choices ah
se isn't that a disease it's a condition
I like the first one by this time next
year I want every person in the country
to be driving a salmonella it's not
necessarily a car it's not then why are
we giving it a car name what else do you
have how about the grunt Master the
grunt master I don't know it's missing
6000 that's it less features than the
grunt Master 9,000 but just as
fun good work Dilbert wait
chicken did you ever come up with a name
for your product it's a long story
gruntmaster 6000 really that doesn't
sound like a long story it is a long
story I made a suggestion you took it
not so long there was a lot more we had
meetings and pre- meetings and a a dancing
dancing
Acorn burn a strip mall and almost
turned into a chicken and then you used
my suggestion grun Master
6000 whose turn is it you know what I
next on channel 7
America's favorite media generated
disasters I can't believe you watch this
stuff tonight we'll show you how One
camera crew provoked Madonna to break
her foot ow I think I broke my foot do
you ever get tired of watching bad
things happen to people that's crazy
talk I mean don't you think people have
enough problems without the media
creating new ones sometimes the natural
disasters aren't spread evenly across
the week you need filler filler speaking
of which how was your day talk about
disasters the executive new product
evaluation subcommittee has recommended
to the executive new product committee
to push up the deadline on the
gruntmaster 6000 project because of some
scarless rumor that one of our
competitors allegedly not even in our
field although that can't be confirmed
because we don't know what field we're
in is releasing a similarly themed
product that might possibly have some
aspect in common with or overlap in some
slight way the gruntmaster 6000 now the
[Music]
weeks what makes you qualified to be a
reporter I'm willing to violate anyone's
privacy for my personal gain and then
claim with a straight face that the
public has a right to know have you been
using me as your main source of Industry
information no not the main source I
also make stuff up for instance I've
started a rumor that your company is a
front for an international organ
harvesting cult organ harvesting cult
really so where exactly did you hear
[Music] [Laughter]
[Applause] [Music]
h [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
first off dilbo we want to tell you what
a terrific job you've done on the punt
Blaster the even Product Industry news
says so they called it a product worthy
of a better company oh yeah excellent
who the man you the man thanks by the
way it's actually called the grunt
Master whoa look who's getting our
proprietary easy guy no point in getting
married to a name at this stage come now
one name's as good as another stop being
so rigid you're the one who insisted
that the name was the most important
part of the project I have no
that the name is the most important part
of the project I cannot EMP emphasize
this strongly
enough and once we have an aim there's
no going back that's my final word Alice
are you getting this all on [Music]
[Music] tape
tape
wow I have a beautiful speaking voice
well like we said we think you're 90%
there these changes we're thinking of
here are purely tweaks nothing that's
going to change the thrust of what
you're trying to do with this in any any
way I like the way you said any twice it
shows you
care you care these changes are really
up to you they couldn't matter less feel
free to ignore any two of them as long
as they're not two of [Laughter]
mine hear what I'm saying but seriously
dilb we need to reach a demographic
group that you may have overlooked
consumers right the people who are going
to buy this thing are going to want it
not just for whatever the heck it is
it's an exercise
machine for real how can you possibly
Market something if you don't even know
what it is who put the brakes on the
negativity Express it's not only
possible it's possible all you've got to
do is give it more attitude make it more
retro but not antique you know
futuristic but not techno sexier but
more gender neutral you see what we're
after here right I think we're all on
the same page what page is that so we're
still on track for a spring roll out
right we have to debut the grunt Master
before the competition has a chance to
get the jump on us I don't see anything
that could stand in our way sanity
reality the laws of
physics looks like we're done here
dilbero I think I speak for everybody
here when I say we've got complete
confidence that you can pull this off
oh my God this can't be good look at
that it's got a capital letter in the
middle German spelling and it's
a a thousand higher than
ours I've brought it to my attention
that our biggest competitor
nirvano the greatest engineering firm of
all time the executives actually listen
to what you tell them and respond with
neither sarcasm nor total
incomprehension the rumor is they treat
you like a human being and I would love
to be treated like a human being just
boy we've got a crisis on our hands if
they debut their grunt Meister 7,000 in
3 weeks they'll completely dominate the
market don't they already dominate the
market if you believe the Bible of our
industry anyway we're going to move the
production schedule ahead again what how
can we possibly speed up the schedule
anymore I've given that a lot of thought
have you no but nevertheless I realize
it would be impossible for you people to
work any harder than you already are
this is going to be bad or any longer
than you already are uhoh so we're going
to work tighter what tighter what the
heck does that mean security stripped
tight security Nano seems to know our
every move and then beat us to the punch
if this Phantom Insider knows what's
going on in Nirvana
he's sure to be snooping around here now
our security consultant Mr dogbert has
outlined a series of strict new
protocols to ensure nothing leaks out to
the media all right people listen up
nursery school is over I don't know what
you've been doing up until now but from
now on things around here are going to
be done by the book there's going to be
full frontal and backal strip searches
all communication will be done in the
form of codes which will be changed on a
daily basis is there a banjo player in
Farmer Johansson's Silo a pigeon has no
use for keys he opens doors with his
song All company documents will be
printed on edible paper for immediate
memorization and
consumption this is going to be great
what are you talking about it's going to
be like living under martial law in some
kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare
exactly do you know how desperate women
get under martial law in some kind of
post-apocalyptic nightmare I guess I
haven't studied it as extensively as you
you got that right it was the topic of
my graduate [Music]
thesis empty your pockets please [Music]
[Music]
[Music]
here where do you think you're going to
get the phone oh no I'm not falling for
that one
again okay fine I'm [Music]
going flaming Commando to central
control I have an intruder situation in
area 4 G1 n/x yk2 LM rainbow Bravo nylon
Delta tangle
Fox I add this one trying to escape
what since when is leaving your cubicle
to use the bathroom escaping since 2:30
this afternoon good work
Leonard why are we here what have we
done wrong I'll tell you what you've
done wrong someone in this room is a
traitor what are you talking about I'll
tell you what I'm talking about someone
in this room leaked information to this
magazine regarding our new security
measures now before you go accusing each
other let me accuse you Alice you're out
of your mind I was going to say let me
say why it couldn't be
Alice you see I've been watching you
nonstop on the security monitors but we
all have those cameras in our cubes yes
but I've only been watching hers woo
that's a relief can I get back to filing
my harassment suit soon now Wall-E this
current state of Siege is the only
chance you will ever ever have of
scoring is that right oh yeah definitely
no question there no other way so it
would not be in your best interest to
sabotage such a rare and favorable
situation would it hey no it wouldn't
that leaves Dilbert and Loud Howard I
think we'd all agree it's impossible for
Howard to do anything in secret why do
you say things that you know will hurt
me which I'm sorry to say leaves only
one possible suspect one who had the
means the motive and the
opportunity well the uh it's the means
anyway it's Delbert but profanity won't
help you now son this is so hard for me
to say actually it's not you're fired
clean out your desk and leave but I but
I can't believe this is happening you're
making a terrible mistake I'm I'm a
model employee but not a working
model I wish I were the kind of person
who didn't stand for this sort of
treatment everybody down he's becoming [Music]
disgruntled I can't believe
it this cubicle has been My Sanctuary
now I'm just a refugee a cubicle Nomad
doomed to roam the Earth in search of a
new Oasis in the harsh corporate
Wasteland well you know as long as you
remember nothing is worth committing
suicide over I wasn't planning on
committing suicide are you sure yes
think about it Dilbert an eternity of
Peace no I have Jack cavan's home number
chair I don't wear [Music]
boxers tonight at 11: could a giant
squid really eat a major metropolitan
area find out how to protect your family
why is the news always the same as the
minseries that was just on what are the
odds of that there's some things you're
not meant to know I have to get a job
I've been moping around the house for 12
hours and 27 minutes I'm not bothering
you am I being around all the time oh
it's an adjustment in the same sense as
for example being buried alive what I'd
really like to get is a job at Nirvana
company I'll take care of it plan to
report to work on Monday you can get me
a job at Nirvana how that's another one
of those things you're not meant to
know maybe I don't want to [Music]
know we were all very impressed with
your resume Dilbert did I send a resume
I believe your assistant a Mr dogbert
was kind enough to forward it we usually
insist on an interview before offering a
job but how many double Nobel Prize
winners does one see [Music]
[Music]
ah you may have heard we have a
different way of doing things around
here that you'll have to get used to but
I think you'll enjoy the level of
Freedom we allow our
employes thank you [Music]
[Music]
here's one of our Recreation rooms as
you can see at Nana Company employee
happiness comes first just like in the
space colonies of the
future oh thank you I was wondering
would it be at all possible for me to
Project D it if there were such a
project believe me I'd not only put you
on it but you'd be the head designer
with a staff of assistance and a budget
that would would choke a WID necked
animal what do you mean if there were
such a project you must be talking about
that article in Product Industry news
complete fiction I don't know how they
get away with publishing that rubbish
and I certainly can't imagine anyone
taking it seriously now would you like
to see your new offices
offices I'll leave you to acclimate to
your new surroundings if you need
anything the robots are programmed to
respond to your thoughts [Music]
door I sure do miss him have you talked
who I'm going to need a marrow sample
poke away my good man take as much as
you want drain
meow oh w-e are you all right all right
I hope this never [Music]
ends my
shirona this this is just impossible how
am I going to get any work done if
[Music]
PIN I'd like the forms to requisition a
pen please forms for a pen ultimately
yes but we both know it's not going to
be that easy come on in pens are in a 5
take what you need rotation tank time
will now commence in the main [Music]
[Music] Atrium
Atrium [Music]
[Music]
what are you doing waiting for you to
finish well I might be a while you could
use one of the other
machines they're working of course they
are what kind of M house is [Music]
[Music]
this hey good to see you good to see day
how you working on huh working we've
heard a lot about you I'll bet you're
inventing something pretty special uh
yeah yeah I'm I'm working on a u a
barbecue an underwater barbecue so when
you're scuba diving wow you are good I
just want to see if it can be done I'm
sure the marketing department will try
to kill it marketing department I'm not
sure we've got one who decides what
products to make who tells you your
ideas are idiotic wastes of time that
aren't commercial doesn't anyone step on
your dreams are you feeling okay yes I'm
I'm fine I just just didn't know how a
company can exist without a marketing
department hey what's wrong guys the new
guy has an idea to start a marketing
department what no no not at all I was
just saying I'd never heard of a company
without a hello Dilbert I'm the Vice
President in charge of immediately
implementing ideas that may adversely
affect the company now this idea of
yours for a marketing department sounds
a bit risky but here at Nirvana company
we pride ourselves on our willingness to
explore new directions until now it's
worked out great I only hope this isn't
the one time I'm calamitously wrong well good
good [Music]
[Music] day
day
uh-oh here's that marketing department
you've been so enthusiastic about
Dilbert I wouldn't say I was
enthusiastic their first recommendation
is we Gear Up Full Speed Ahead to market
what now first of all congratulations we
love this just a couple of thoughts one
does it have to be underwater and two
does it have to be a [Music]
[Music]
barbecue isn't that the whole point is
it I think we need to lose the
underwater part and the barbecue part
but it goes 86 it but then how do you
barbecue underwater sorry we couldn't
hear you your comments were drowned out
by a loud shriek from next door next
we're afraid that when it comes out of
the box it'll make a squeaking sound you
mean from the styrofoam packing material
it's a loser noise that sound test
extremely low are you trying this
marketing thing anywhere else in the
company or just here all over it's
go Nirvana company the world's greatest
company filed for bankruptcy today
inexplicable venture underwater cooking
headquarters destroyed in blaze Nirvana
Company's stock fell 180 points to -2 in
an eighth the company holds a single engineer
engineer
responsible well
congratulations for what destroying a
90-year-old company you're now well
known in your industry Fame is more
important than competence are you saying
I'm more employable as a famous screwup
than I was as a competent nobody that's
how it works I don't I don't see how
there's some things you're not meant to [Music]
[Music]
know well uh
Dilbert I see that your qualifications
are impeccable and even though I myself
or someone very much like me fired you
for divulging company Secrets I see that
you are now a wellknown industry figure
so yes you have entered a no marman song
home I'll introduce you around you'll
like w-e he's almost completely bald
sure I was wondering H seeing as the
main competition has gone Belly Up are
these security precautions still
necessary you know you're right I can
never remember the passwords anyway
attention employees attention as of this
moment all security procedures are
suspended please return to your normal
state of semios clock watching oh thank God
God finally
finally [Music]
[Music]
no oh well back to work [Music]
[Music] w
[Music]
I estimate this soap has one more good washing
left dang it's so small I can't even
find it what's with the bath did the
shower reject you again I'm trying to
think of a product idea I read that
Einstein did his best thinking in the
bath it's the warm water that's the same
theory behind instant soup would you
mind not staring at me uh what's the camera
camera
for that's my voice activat motion
sensitive hovering Dill camcorder
specially designed to record my
brilliant ideas oh I hope that's what
that's for I'm sitting in water I can't
use my laptop computer M so that's your
story yes it is as an engineer obviously
you know that a bathtub is the least
efficient form of bathing I'm thinking
up ideas you're sitting in your own
filth some of it's in the water it's
kind of like rinsing your fruit in the
sewer to wash the pesticides off okay
bath is over [Music]
[Music]
why don't you invent a product that
keeps your skin from wrinkling after a
bath kind of a de pruner dogbert that is
the vinest most superficial idea I've
ever heard thank you I don't want to De
prune people I want to make the world a
better place to live
in is this where you thought up your
invention that reversed global warming
yes the bath water helps me think and
why are you filming yourself I told you
I can't use the laptop in the bath so
you're sticking to that story yes I am
you know you're sitting in your own
filth I'm trying to think of an
invention to fix that too I think it's
called the shower this fantasy has been
ch ch [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
ew
yuck all pedestrians eliminated game
over can we do some work now one more
game I think I can get to the rest home
if I blow up the daycare center welcome
to pedestrian outrage remember I'm the
only woman who loves you registered user
hooked we're on a deadline here we need
to design the company's new flagship
product and we need it yesterday
yesterday then it's already too late
game everything's been invented oh it
hasn't a time machine that's just one
example all right let's go with a time [Applause]
[Applause]
machine well that's it I'm in youred to violence
now oh how's the Prototype
coming a root ating Cube I like it can
we be first to Market that's a screen
saver I'll save the technical mumbo
jumbo I just want to know if it'll work
it'll work but everyone already has one
well that's no good what else do you
have we were tossing around the idea of
a time machine well You' better get
going on that I've heard there's a rival
engineering department right here in our
own organization moving into our turf
and developing their own prototype just
out of curiosity who's running the other department
Lena Lena you mean there really is a
Lena I always thought you was just a
myth she's more than a myth she's like
the zena of
Engineers I heard when she was attending
Welsley as a foreign exchange student
there was an incident where she severed
a couple of classmates heads with a hockey
stick none of the witnesses ever talked
about that day if no one talked how do
we know the story I read it on her web
page uh-oh I heard a rumor that she
steals the ideas of other engineers then
cuts off their head so they can't talk I
like Wally's story better anyway no
shame in being a runner up after all
Albany is beautiful this time of
year whoever designs the next prototype
will need more floor space I'll have to
relocate the unproductive Engineers to
our facility in Albany [Music]
hey look at this Alice home liposuction
kit you could take one of these babies
and we're doomed Lena's team is probably
half done with their prototype we don't
even have an idea Lena is totally
overrated we can beat her I don't care
if most of the engineers have gone over
to her side Lena's team is so big you
could get lost in the crowd and never
have to lift a finger they might get the
big raises in the party atmosphere but
they'll never know the satisfaction that
better can I help you I've got to get to
work and you're blocking me although it
might seem that way on the surface in
reality it's you that's blocking
yourself you're right
how do you know that it's what I do
you're a garbage man
exactly well can you at least move the
truck it is moving it only seems like
it's standing still by the way thanks for
Lena Dilbert I am so very sorry you must
have been in my blind spot I was right
in front of you exactly you look so pale
breathe I cannot tell you how excited I
am for the opportunity to work on a
prototype against such a pro like
yourself me I am a huge fan of your work
you are
I only hope I could come up with
something half as brilliant as
you cuz I'm sure as hell not going to
Albany you know you're slightly more
friendly than I imagined really you
don't say I mean all the gossip about
how Cutthroat in mellian you are well
you know how people exaggerate and the
rumors about Fred the engineer who
mysteriously disappeared after his
project went up against yours yes rumors
forward
H what did you bring for lunch oh
salad ah she touched
me hey gray you're finally getting into
it what'd you come up with uh it's
nothing nothing yet still a work in
progress give me a few minutes to clean
it up look there's no time for niceties
we're on a deadline just let me see what
the heck oh Lena sweet Lena a female
Divinity my passions exceed p r 2 *
infinity have you lost your mind that is
not only the most nauseating thing I've
ever read it's meaningless if our is
undefined poetic license man she must
have blown some smoke up your butt did
she use a giant fan or just some kind of
Hose I think you're jealous jealous
I think I speak for all women capable of
reproduction when I say no what's a word
that rhymes with gradient she is
sabotaging us have you ever been to
Albany gradient gradient radiant I can't
believe I'm saying this but I think we
were better off when Wally was here we
him Wally
us so it is he doesn't recognize us of
course he does Wall-E old pal we need
you to come back to the team I am not of
your team I am of Team Lena praise Lena
snap out of it you half wit oh pain Lena
said there would be pain for those who
leave I see she was right but I only
left to go to the bathroom Lena I'm
coming back Wally it's Dilbert and Alice
don't you remember us you you were from
the Before Time When I was not of Team
Lena praise
Lena Lena I return to you I swear I will
never use the men's room [Applause]
[Applause]
again boy he's got it bad the worst part
is I like him better this
way hey look at that she's holding me up
as an example to her team I told you she
me Victory is not enough we must destroy
our opponent we will not only build a
better prototype we will build it upon
the crushed bones and torn flesh of debert
Gilbert how wonderful to see you here
Alice Lena we were just passing by look
Dey I was wondering if you weren't doing
anything later maybe we could get
together and talk about thing oh uh uh
sure yeah uh my my cubicle is no no no
no not here at the office I was thinking
perhaps your place h
wo Dilbert yes around 7even great see
you tonight I got a date I got a date I
got a date yeah package for you [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
Alice let's see Lena's plate is at
positive point5 longitude
-3 latitude my plate is at pos5
longitude positive 3 point latitude
Lena's Fork is at positive 2.5 longitude -3
-3
latitude Lena's
Fork decapitate Dilbert steel idea two
quarts milk a box of [Music]
musle H I hate origami
I have a date boy that was weird I
thought you said you had a date want to
buy a
tape I'm kind of busy right now half off
two for
one supplies are limited goodbye
dogbert Lena long time no see dogbert
always a
pleasure hello
Dilbert Lena did you have any trouble
finding the place no the global
positioning coordinates you gave were
perfect well come in sit down can I can
I get you something to [Music]
drink yes I'll have a triple Brandy
Alexander with an Easter Island Sunset
Chaser a
where how are those drinks coming dly
any minute now my Swedish
Swedish
meatball crap crud
idiocy garbage nothing
where would that imbecile keep his [Music]
[Music]
notes it's so small I I I can't even
know why don't you invent a product that
keeps your skin from wrinkling after a
bath kind of a de pruner it could work
it could just
that to [Music]
[Music] go
Lina holy mother [Music]
[Music]
hello oh my God Fred is that you
dillbert yes Dilbert this is Joe Frank
Ed and Larry hi how you doing hiber good
to see you again nice to meet you get
out while you still can get out yes get
out can't you see we're severed heads in
a jar well maybe it didn't work out with
you guys but that doesn't mean it won't
work out with me she really likes me she
said she like me too she said to all of us
us [Music]
[Music]
that's there you are what took you so long
long
what took me so [Music]
[Music]
long you built this VCR from broken
parts of a washing
machine oh it's so small I can't even find
find
it hey where'd you get that I got it
used as a swap meat I think you should
know this transdermal hydroelastic
regenerator is well within the realm of
possibility you mean the the de pruner
take a look well what do you know by increasing
look well what do you know by increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer and
the gaseous conduction analyzer and factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic
factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic stabilizer huh it's obvious in
stabilizer huh it's obvious in retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling
retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling machine well I'll be actually you
machine well I'll be actually you already are I don't know what to say I'm
already are I don't know what to say I'm not surprised can I have this what am I
not surprised can I have this what am I going to do with it I'm a garbage man
going to do with it I'm a garbage man [Music]
yes a cell recycling machine pretty darn spiffy Team Lena is going down must one
spiffy Team Lena is going down must one person's Triumph be another's
person's Triumph be another's humiliation of
course we stand at the dawning of a new age where man transcends his mortal ity
age where man transcends his mortal ity and becomes Superman yeah and I'm
and becomes Superman yeah and I'm Batgirl get on with it shh and so I
Batgirl get on with it shh and so I present to you the eight wonder of the
present to you the eight wonder of the world the de
[Music] pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in
pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh
water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh oh
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
we better rent iron weed hey wallet I got your
got your trunks but the best part is what my
trunks but the best part is what my invention can do for your SX Li it's so
invention can do for your SX Li it's so small I can't even find
small I can't even find it oh yes deep pruning is the
it oh yes deep pruning is the Afrodisiac for married couples only of
Afrodisiac for married couples only of course she's making me think of sex at
course she's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked now I've
the same time I see you naked now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of
got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my
my brain ow ow ow get it out you made this
brain ow ow ow get it out you made this happen you made me think of Dilbert and
happen you made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time you've ruined sex
sex at the same time you've ruined sex for me forever I'm starting to be
for me forever I'm starting to be insulted Lena must pay
insulted Lena must pay [Applause]
Sil our special today is an angry horde of riers who will trample you and your
of riers who will trample you and your date ooh I'll have
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] that who forgive me Madam I had honey
that who forgive me Madam I had honey darling I can
darling I can explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll
explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll take two
take two [Music]
[Music] it's kind of funny how things turn out I
it's kind of funny how things turn out I haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off
haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off your head and send your scrawny
your head and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany
girlfriend Alice to Albany girlfriend me his have you gone
girlfriend me his have you gone mad she's nuts 75% off last chance
mad she's nuts 75% off last chance before they're pulled from the market
before they're pulled from the market repackaged as a deluxe edition and then
repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on the market
I've got images in my brain I'll never get
[Music] out I knew I shouldn't have added that
out I knew I shouldn't have added that [Music]
[Music] option well better this than Albany
I wonder how this shows up on our headcount
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] report feeling inadequate not measuring
report feeling inadequate not measuring up to the other
up to the other guys well you're probably right so give
guys well you're probably right so give me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a
me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a lot
better it's so small I can't even find it I can't even find it I meant so it's
it I can't even find it I meant so it's so small I was talking about soap wasn't
so small I was talking about soap wasn't it obvious I was talking about soap soap
[Music] w
in you've got to start driving with more attitude attitude I've got attitude to
attitude attitude I've got attitude to spare please don't hurt me is not
spare please don't hurt me is not attitude it's an invitation to get
attitude it's an invitation to get capped why don't you use the
capped why don't you use the Whatchamacallit that's only for use in
Whatchamacallit that's only for use in dire emergencies like when I'm rushing
dire emergencies like when I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give
my future wife to the hospital to give birth so in other words never why are we
birth so in other words never why are we all forced to go to work at the same
all forced to go to work at the same time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00
time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.m. was a good time for everyone to go
a.m. was a good time for everyone to go to work there would be no rush hour if
to work there would be no rush hour if there was no rush you have no
there was no rush you have no understanding of human nature if people
understanding of human nature if people weren't forced to come to work at a
weren't forced to come to work at a certain time they wouldn't come at all
certain time they wouldn't come at all you have no faith in humanity people are
you have no faith in humanity people are basically good no no help help me what
basically good no no help help me what should we do close the windows I'll turn
should we do close the windows I'll turn on the radio just don't change any of my
on the radio just don't change any of my presets no heaven for bid all music all
presets no heaven for bid all music all the time more music and much less talk
the time more music and much less talk we're the all music station except for
we're the all music station except for right now which is a fluk more than
right now which is a fluk more than anything this is a
anything this is a nightmare and business dude ah finally
nightmare and business dude ah finally stocks are way up again today as every
stocks are way up again today as every idiot with a telephone is dumping his
idiot with a telephone is dumping his lunch money into the market that's
lunch money into the market that's outrageous idiots shouldn't have money
outrageous idiots shouldn't have money they won't have it long the only people
they won't have it long the only people who make money in the stock market are
who make money in the stock market are the ones who manipulate the stock prices
the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes or the ones who write
behind the scenes or the ones who write books about investing they're the
[Music] worst great now traffic is completely
worst great now traffic is completely stopped
stopped [Music]
this is insane you know this would be a perfect time to field test this
thing okay but just once to see if it works on my Mark 3 2 1
nice shooting somehow I just don't feel right about that just drive got a book
right about that just drive got a book to right
down [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello
Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello Dilbert nothing were you just reading a
Dilbert nothing were you just reading a book are you Bonkers what makes you
book are you Bonkers what makes you think that my own eyes hardly a reliable
think that my own eyes hardly a reliable source I just saw you you did not then
source I just saw you you did not then what is this oh that that is not a book
what is this oh that that is not a book it's a way of life Get Rich or get out
it's a way of life Get Rich or get out of my way investing dog bird style it's
of my way investing dog bird style it's full of investment tips that no one ever
full of investment tips that no one ever thought of before I've done the first
thought of before I've done the first exercise and already I'm a Millionaire
exercise and already I'm a Millionaire on paper what was the exercise you write
on paper what was the exercise you write down on a piece of paper I Wally am a
down on a piece of paper I Wally am a millionaire millionaire has two L's like
millionaire millionaire has two L's like your name which oddly enough you also
your name which oddly enough you also spelled wrong uh that's my nickname
spelled wrong uh that's my nickname Wally with one L who calls you that most
Wally with one L who calls you that most people they just don't realize it and
people they just don't realize it and now you're going to apply your special
now you're going to apply your special brand of Genius to the stock market the
brand of Genius to the stock market the time to strike is nigh are you in did
time to strike is nigh are you in did you say nigh it's a word how about if I
you say nigh it's a word how about if I just watch and stun silence for the
just watch and stun silence for the first
first round welcome to dogbert's More Than
round welcome to dogbert's More Than full price Brokers where your dreams
full price Brokers where your dreams turn into large transaction fees
overnight okay let's see invest in the company where you work only if you have
company where you work only if you have ACC actual knowledge of what's going on
ACC actual knowledge of what's going on inside the company insider trading is
inside the company insider trading is illegal you could go to jail well I'll
illegal you could go to jail well I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA
need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the ioc meeting well that
project before the ioc meeting well that has Alibi written all over it are you
has Alibi written all over it are you in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's
in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's the name of the company we work for this
the name of the company we work for this week hm we were called pathway
week hm we were called pathway Electronics then we merged with ech
Electronics then we merged with ech management now I guess we're petech
management now I guess we're petech management
management all right turn on the financial Channel
all right turn on the financial Channel and get ready to
and get ready to score as I said weakness in the Japanese
score as I said weakness in the Japanese Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh
Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh snotrag are all bad news for poorly
snotrag are all bad news for poorly managed multinational companies we're a
managed multinational companies we're a poorly managed multinational company as
poorly managed multinational company as soon as he said that our stock went down
soon as he said that our stock went down join me in 10 minutes when I explain why
join me in 10 minutes when I explain why poorly managed multinational companies
poorly managed multinational companies are a great bargain we're back up I'm
are a great bargain we're back up I'm seeing a pattern here the stock plummets
seeing a pattern here the stock plummets on bad news which ironically is the best
on bad news which ironically is the best time to buy and the stock Soares on good
time to buy and the stock Soares on good news which is obviously the time to sell
news which is obviously the time to sell it's go time major lawsuits over product
it's go time major lawsuits over product liability by the company announced more
liability by the company announced more layoffs to cut costs sell alleged
layoffs to cut costs sell alleged accounting irregularities by devil or
accounting irregularities by devil or nothing new product announced that will
nothing new product announced that will compete in the vaporware arena
selly that was exciting well back to work back to work we're on a hot streak
work back to work we're on a hot streak yes and if we keep going we'll be on a
yes and if we keep going we'll be on a cold streak let's leave it at that
cold streak let's leave it at that was you can't get out now you're in too
was you can't get out now you're in too deep there's no turning back it's all in
deep there's no turning back it's all in the book that book is worthless we're
the book that book is worthless we're going to be ruined and now investment
going to be ruined and now investment Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the
Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the Chinese have a word for crisis it's made
Chinese have a word for crisis it's made up of two characters danger and
up of two characters danger and opportunity although this has nothing to
opportunity although this has nothing to do with anything I enjoy mentioning it
do with anything I enjoy mentioning it what should we do now now now is
what should we do now now now is definitely the time to buy I thought you
definitely the time to buy I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is
were supposed to buy when the stock is low have I ever lied to you about 1,000
low have I ever lied to you about 1,000 times you don't have to throw it in my
times you don't have to throw it in my face sorry I'll take care of the stock
face sorry I'll take care of the stock price excuse me a
[Music] minute you were caught in a jungle voodo
minute you were caught in a jungle voodo orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9
orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9 no well yes Samuel serve the poison must
no well yes Samuel serve the poison must I
yes wow he really earns his commissions the stock is so cheap now we can buy a
the stock is so cheap now we can buy a controlling interest in our own company
controlling interest in our own company let's do it wait I what are we ready for
let's do it wait I what are we ready for the responsibility that comes with
the responsibility that comes with owning the company uh I'll say no this
owning the company uh I'll say no this is serious we will inherit a moral
is serious we will inherit a moral obligation to the other stockholders yes
obligation to the other stockholders yes but more importantly to Society at large
but more importantly to Society at large who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm
who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm saying is look mahma we're not trying to
saying is look mahma we're not trying to change the world here we're trying to
change the world here we're trying to make some quick cash in the market and
make some quick cash in the market and considering it's 11:30 and we started at
considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but
9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but we could change things change them for
we could change things change them for the better I've always felt if I had an
the better I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things I would be a
opportunity to run things I would be a kind and benevolent boss employees would
kind and benevolent boss employees would be free to come and go as they please to
be free to come and go as they please to choose hours that fit their lifestyles
choose hours that fit their lifestyles in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex
in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex time schme time great idea I love it can
time schme time great idea I love it can we just execute the buy already Wally
we just execute the buy already Wally look at me and tell me we're going to do
look at me and tell me we're going to do the right thing I will tell you we're
the right thing I will tell you we're doing the right thing but I will not
doing the right thing but I will not look at you Wally you do whatever you
look at you Wally you do whatever you want me I'm cashing out you plan to
want me I'm cashing out you plan to retire retire from what I don't do
retire retire from what I don't do anything now except surf the net why
anything now except surf the net why should I pay for that besides I really
should I pay for that besides I really like the coffee here fellas tick tick
like the coffee here fellas tick tick tick carpet DM Delbert season the day
tick carpet DM Delbert season the day what carpedm I think that's a fish boys
what carpedm I think that's a fish boys okay okay good you two now own 51% of
okay okay good you two now own 51% of the company yeah but the Stock's not
the company yeah but the Stock's not worth anything I'll be right
back hello I'm dog and welcome to Shams scams and flim flams in review today our
scams and flim flams in review today our Round Table of financial experts include
Round Table of financial experts include Vlad Corfu financial planner for the
Vlad Corfu financial planner for the firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome
firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome my next guest is is a pension fund
my next guest is is a pension fund manager for pogram Investments trailer
manager for pogram Investments trailer Baron our next guest runs her own
Baron our next guest runs her own investment firm hey it's me Investments
investment firm hey it's me Investments Esther bester and my final guest is a
Esther bester and my final guest is a bear from the circus formerly from the
bear from the circus formerly from the woods do you have a name they call me
woods do you have a name they call me brownie okay let's talk about the market
brownie okay let's talk about the market what Market the stock market oh you had
what Market the stock market oh you had me worried there thought you meant the
me worried there thought you meant the white slave market of which I know
white slave market of which I know nothing does anybody care that I'm a
nothing does anybody care that I'm a bear I'm not thrilled if we good people
bear I'm not thrilled if we good people let's talk about the swirling rumors
let's talk about the swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover of
surrounding a supposed takeover of pathetic Management Incorporated has
pathetic Management Incorporated has anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor
anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor that everyone in that company's gay or
that everyone in that company's gay or at least bisexual I heard they kidnap
at least bisexual I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood
little children and drink their blood from little plastic cups that they make
from little plastic cups that they make themselves from detergent bottles
themselves from detergent bottles anybody hear anything about the Takeover
anybody hear anything about the Takeover why are you looking at me I'm a bear
why are you looking at me I'm a bear he's just looking I swear to God I'll
he's just looking I swear to God I'll come over there and one swipe with my
come over there and one swipe with my claw and you will not have a face my
claw and you will not have a face my friend okay I have a poison dart gun you
friend okay I have a poison dart gun you won't know what hit you you won't be
won't know what hit you you won't be able to reload it fast enough before I
able to reload it fast enough before I rip you in half if I go down I'll take
rip you in half if I go down I'll take the rest of you with me okay that's it
the rest of you with me okay that's it what about the Takeover rumors people
what about the Takeover rumors people that's what I don't need this yeah do
that's what I don't need this yeah do you need a hideous scar across your
you need a hideous scar across your entire body listen Buster I'm the owner
entire body listen Buster I'm the owner of hay it's me Investments you keep
of hay it's me Investments you keep messing with me and it's going to be
messing with me and it's going to be called hey it was you you hear me you
called hey it was you you hear me you hear me okay you take that
back I believe we have a consensus follow dogbert's advice follow
consensus follow dogbert's advice follow dogbert's advice follow follow follow
dogbert's advice follow follow follow follow follow dog's advice we're off to
follow follow dog's advice we're off to spend the money Alice we have a
spend the money Alice we have a controlling interest in the company
controlling interest in the company we're both billionaires you'll be
we're both billionaires you'll be corrupted like the rest money is the
corrupted like the rest money is the root of all evil it eats you from the
root of all evil it eats you from the inside out until you die a slow and
inside out until you die a slow and lonely death I'll give you a billion
lonely death I'll give you a billion dollars in stock if you'll shut up deal
whatever you two did it boosted the stock to record highs you've made the
stock to record highs you've made the rich richer and given the chef to the
rich richer and given the chef to the small investors who bailed out too soon
small investors who bailed out too soon very evil good work thanks evil oh by
very evil good work thanks evil oh by the way there's a board meeting in half
the way there's a board meeting in half an hour as the company's major
an hour as the company's major stockholders it might be a good idea to
stockholders it might be a good idea to make an appearance for appearance sake
make an appearance for appearance sake will there be food food do the finest
will there be food food do the finest Donuts in the building sound like food
Donuts in the building sound like food to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert
to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert we've arrived
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] hey Gilbert do I have anything here
hey Gilbert do I have anything here that's the only spot you don't have
that's the only spot you don't have anything don't you want to earn these
anything don't you want to earn these people's respect we are these people so
people's respect we are these people so we only have to earn our own respect do
we only have to earn our own respect do you respect me no do you respect
you respect me no do you respect yourself no do you respect me are you
yourself no do you respect me are you kidding do you respect yourself not
kidding do you respect yourself not really all right let's just be quiet
really all right let's just be quiet gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things
gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things started I know we all want to get back
started I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters now the first
to more pressing matters now the first item on the agenda is to welcome our
item on the agenda is to welcome our newest board members and as of this
newest board members and as of this morning actual majority owners of the
morning actual majority owners of the company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted
company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy
to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy mind if I play through go right ahead
I just wanted to say it's an honor to stand among such an esteemed and
stand among such an esteemed and August uh group and I hope Wally and I
August uh group and I hope Wally and I hey what's your handicap he doesn't know
hey what's your handicap he doesn't know when to shut
when to shut up doesn't know when to up oh you two
up doesn't know when to up oh you two are going to fit right in here and I'm
are going to fit right in here and I'm referring of course only to Wall-E next
referring of course only to Wall-E next order of business read back the minutes
order of business read back the minutes of the last meeting we gave each other
of the last meeting we gave each other stock options discussed ways to ignore
stock options discussed ways to ignore the needs of others and Hamilton had a
the needs of others and Hamilton had a racial joke thank you Bill now onto a
racial joke thank you Bill now onto a more pressing matter gentlemen and I say
more pressing matter gentlemen and I say gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a
gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a woman's going to sit on this board While
woman's going to sit on this board While I'm
I'm Alive what he was going to say was
Alive what he was going to say was apparently despite our best efforts the
apparently despite our best efforts the company is not losing money fast enough
company is not losing money fast enough excuse me did you just say the company
excuse me did you just say the company wasn't losing money fast enough jeez
wasn't losing money fast enough jeez Wally can't you rain this guy he's like
Wally can't you rain this guy he's like a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop
a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop embarrassing yourself if you read
embarrassing yourself if you read dogbert's book you'd know that a fast
dogbert's book you'd know that a fast growing company always loses money while
growing company always loses money while it's expanding we're not a fast growing
it's expanding we're not a fast growing company and we never will be if we don't
company and we never will be if we don't lose more money so uh suggestions on how
lose more money so uh suggestions on how we can lose money faster uh what if we
we can lose money faster uh what if we just well gave it to
me oh Wally you're a card this guy kills me next order of business we have to
me next order of business we have to select a new CEO as tradition dictates
select a new CEO as tradition dictates whosoever can remove this nine iron from
whosoever can remove this nine iron from the golf bag will be proclaimed chief
the golf bag will be proclaimed chief executive
executive [Music]
[Music] officer Wow first guy who tried just
officer Wow first guy who tried just like the other
times can I just say one thing yes but put his gag on
first can I just say one thing is it about golf not really not even
about golf not really not even peripherally no could you at least hold
peripherally no could you at least hold a golf club while you talk I guess so
a golf club while you talk I guess so Han a wedge
Han a wedge ra when I became a major stockholder of
ra when I became a major stockholder of this firm I felt it was my duty to
this firm I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale anyway I
improve employee morale anyway I searched my soul although I realized
searched my soul although I realized science doesn't accept its existence and
science doesn't accept its existence and I decided the best way to help the
I decided the best way to help the employees would be to introduce Flex
employees would be to introduce Flex time all in favor say
ah the resolution passes unanimously from now on all employees can make their
from now on all employees can make their own schedules you were a little too
own schedules you were a little too quick to
quick to agree I have my reasons chapter 8
agree I have my reasons chapter 8 screwing it
screwing it up Flex time you mean we can come and go
up Flex time you mean we can come and go as we please that's right from now on
as we please that's right from now on you're all masters of your own
[Music] I hope someone turned off the coffee
makers o this turned out even better than I expected you compassionate
than I expected you compassionate bastard you've ruined
[Applause] me
four they say no one ever faced death wishing they'd spent more time at the
wishing they'd spent more time at the office I guess I'm the first
Mother of Mercy take me home St Peter why hast Thou forsaken me because you
why hast Thou forsaken me because you were an atheist until you hit the
were an atheist until you hit the ground mental note next time find
ground mental note next time find religion
religion first welcome back we were talking about
first welcome back we were talking about rumors of the Takeover of the company
rumors of the Takeover of the company and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in
and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in share price following Dilbert's Flex
share price following Dilbert's Flex time announcement trailer I believe you
time announcement trailer I believe you had a few points
had a few points Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's
Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's burning it's burning so bad and not
burning it's burning so bad and not everyone would agree Esther apparently
everyone would agree Esther apparently you've spoken to officials at the
you've spoken to officials at the security Exchange Commission what do you
security Exchange Commission what do you see on the
horizon no I don't believe faces grow back but thanks and finally brownie the
back but thanks and finally brownie the bear is dead I want to thank animal
bear is dead I want to thank animal control for their quick action now I
control for their quick action now I have a stockholders meeting to attend
fortunately for me I am a long-term investor Mr chairman how can you explain
investor Mr chairman how can you explain the moves you've made that seem to be
the moves you've made that seem to be deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic
deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic Management Incorporated and send the
Management Incorporated and send the stock plummeting I don't have to answer
stock plummeting I don't have to answer to you of course you do we're the
to you of course you do we're the shareholders still you should have sold
shareholders still you should have sold hours ago it's all in my book on sale in
hours ago it's all in my book on sale in the lobby buy a copy as they kick you
the lobby buy a copy as they kick you out
I've owned a share of this company since my dear blessed Father rest his soul in
my dear blessed Father rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on
the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on to me on his deathbed you only own one
to me on his deathbed you only own one share of stock don't interrupt me I
share of stock don't interrupt me I would like to know why the company
would like to know why the company stopped making those lovely biscuits
stopped making those lovely biscuits with the pink sugar icing in the middle
with the pink sugar icing in the middle well I never care for them myself but
well I never care for them myself but they were my dear sweet father's
they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat every night he'd
favorite bedtime treat every night he'd pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky
pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits
scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits until he collapsed on the kitchen floor
until he collapsed on the kitchen floor screaming for his insulin and then
screaming for his insulin and then mother would put it in a tissue box and
mother would put it in a tissue box and bury it in the backyard okay we're just
bury it in the backyard okay we're just about out of time here I'm not finished
about out of time here I'm not finished your filthy
your filthy little over you'll be dragging back a
little over you'll be dragging back a bloody by the way as of this moment the
bloody by the way as of this moment the stock is worth about 610 of a cent
stock is worth about 610 of a cent anybody who wants to get out before
anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10
being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10 of a cent per share
Wally what should we do Wally you boys really screwed up a good thing now that
really screwed up a good thing now that my filthy riches are gone I'm just
my filthy riches are gone I'm just filthy nobody wants that
filthy nobody wants that nobody Wally where have you been I had
nobody Wally where have you been I had to transact some business wow that was
to transact some business wow that was exciting that buying frenzy sent the
exciting that buying frenzy sent the stock back up to a new all-time high
stock back up to a new all-time high buying frenzy I thought it was a selling
buying frenzy I thought it was a selling frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we
frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we didn't sell we're still the majority
didn't sell we're still the majority shareholders and we're billionaires
shareholders and we're billionaires again we're hanging in there right Wally
again we're hanging in there right Wally old buddy I sold everything while the
old buddy I sold everything while the old lady was belly aching w-e it was in
old lady was belly aching w-e it was in the book that's right it's all in the
the book that's right it's all in the last chapter congratulations you're
last chapter congratulations you're broke well I'm glad I didn't sell
broke well I'm glad I didn't sell actually you did you ought to change the
actually you did you ought to change the password on your brokerage account this
password on your brokerage account this sort of thing wouldn't
sort of thing wouldn't happen if everyone sold their stock I
happen if everyone sold their stock I wonder who bought it all
wonder who bought it all [Music]
wow there's no traffic yeah that Flex time really works so now that you own
time really works so now that you own the company what are you going to do oh
the company what are you going to do oh I guess you haven't heard
I guess you haven't heard what
what K music Mak you D okay ow we're so
K music Mak you D okay ow we're so distorted you can't even tell what I'm
saying I changed the pr I can see
I can see that ah here we go and in business news
that ah here we go and in business news it's official entrepreneur investment
it's official entrepreneur investment Guru dogbert has sold his controlling
Guru dogbert has sold his controlling interest in dog bird Incorporated for
interest in dog bird Incorporated for $100
$100 billion not quite that much there's no
billion not quite that much there's no word on what the new company will be
word on what the new company will be named Hey look
oh You Haven't Seen the Last of Me buddy reset my radio haunt you down I will not
reset my radio haunt you down I will not rest until I see you offer for what
rest until I see you offer for what you've done to me I will nightmare you
you've done to me I will nightmare you you
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] H let's see name dog BT height varies
H let's see name dog BT height varies depending on my speed relative to The
depending on my speed relative to The Observer wait is a sensation caused by
Observer wait is a sensation caused by the gravitational warping of space
the gravitational warping of space time age H according to Einstein time is
time age H according to Einstein time is merely a persistant illusion take that
merely a persistant illusion take that what are you doing I'm applying for a
what are you doing I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle I think a lot
slot on the space shuttle I think a lot of these are trick questions what
of these are trick questions what qualifications do you have to fly on the
qualifications do you have to fly on the space shuttle none but strangely enough
space shuttle none but strangely enough that doesn't disqualify me
that doesn't disqualify me [Music]
[Music] that's it I think I've done it that's
that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street no I've been
not the word on the street no I've been trying to achieve the perfect ratio of
trying to achieve the perfect ratio of mango flavored hyper juice to Water by
mango flavored hyper juice to Water by shining a laser through it and measuring
shining a laser through it and measuring its absorption rate I think I've done it
its absorption rate I think I've done it there's one small nothing for mankind
there's one small nothing for mankind have you tried following the directions
have you tried following the directions on the back
on the back [Music]
ow now look what you did I think you better put that
did I think you better put that [Music]
[Music] away what's really bothering you nothing
away what's really bothering you nothing something's bothering you no it's not
something's bothering you no it's not come on no really spit it out oh all
come on no really spit it out oh all right if you must know wow sometimes I
right if you must know wow sometimes I amaze
amaze myself today we start the most
myself today we start the most frustrating phase of product development
frustrating phase of product development test the Prototype ah so you're riddled
test the Prototype ah so you're riddled with insecurities about your performance
with insecurities about your performance no maybe you should be the test engineer
no maybe you should be the test engineer assigned to my prototype is a legend his
assigned to my prototype is a legend his name is Bob bastard oh you better throw
name is Bob bastard oh you better throw in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot
in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot of time working on this product the
of time working on this product the gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though
gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though it Bears no resemblance to what I
it Bears no resemblance to what I originally
originally conceived are you listening to any of
conceived are you listening to any of this you conceived a baby but it Bears
this you conceived a baby but it Bears no resemblance to
no resemblance to you
you peer here drink
ch [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Dilbert I want you to know I have the
Dilbert I want you to know I have the utmost confidence in you and your team
utmost confidence in you and your team you do I do what never mind
you do I do what never mind hi guys sorry I'm
late I stopped off at Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with
Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with the mask yeah I've got to ask him where
the mask yeah I've got to ask him where he bought it it's so sad what
mask I believe you're on fire oh you got that right what a showoff can't he just
that right what a showoff can't he just walk in the door like everybody else
walk in the door like everybody else Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with
Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with sugar boss decaf with equal
sugar boss decaf with equal Alice Cafe
you it's nice to meet you Mr bastard my father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee
father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my
for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my head's ready to
explode Dilbert slurping is so rude but it's hot I hate slurping that's what
it's hot I hate slurping that's what broke up my marriage if you ever do that
broke up my marriage if you ever do that in front of me again I will throw that
in front of me again I will throw that hot coffee in your face and you can
hot coffee in your face and you can slurp it through your pores you hear me
slurp it through your pores you hear me do you
do you whoa as if I could slurp through my
whoa as if I could slurp through my pores well now that that's all settled
pores well now that that's all settled let the testing
let the testing [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
begin first the rock and roll test to determine the prototype's ability to
determine the prototype's ability to withstand differing levels of seismic
activity I tell you Bob you're like a celebrity around here grotesque and evil
celebrity around here grotesque and evil yet famous and surprisingly polite de a
yet famous and surprisingly polite de a golf excuse me I'm working the man is
working have you heard their last CD wild stuff
maybe it's me but I just don't see it's you
[Laughter] sorry my friends but it's better to find
sorry my friends but it's better to find the problems now than to send a
the problems now than to send a defective product into the market to
defective product into the market to shatter the lives of innocent
shatter the lives of innocent people well it's a gray
he's like a wounded bird a vulture but still that's a
still that's a [Music]
[Music] bird you're going into space good
bird you're going into space good observation potato boy I'll send you a
observation potato boy I'll send you a postcard I don't think you can send a
postcard I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space Oh it can be
postcard from outer space Oh it can be done but you might see a little jump in
done but you might see a little jump in your next tax bill what are you planning
your next tax bill what are you planning on doing with my
on doing with my laser did you know there no laws in
a little to the left no uh a little to the right now a
left no uh a little to the right now a little to the left my left or your left
little to the left my left or your left what's the difference my left is your
what's the difference my left is your right and your right is my left just put
right and your right is my left just put it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E
it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E could you give me a hey Bob how's it
could you give me a hey Bob how's it going Wall-E he called me w-e that's
going Wall-E he called me w-e that's your name there's no call for bitterness
I'm not worried this prototype is designed to withstand temperatures up to
designed to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 de wow that's almost enough to
5,000 de wow that's almost enough to boil
boil [Music]
water I know you Alice you push people away afraid they might see you as you
away afraid they might see you as you really are you scare me Bob you scare
really are you scare me Bob you scare the pesas out of me but in a good way
the pesas out of me but in a good way hold that thought babe let me destroy a
hold that thought babe let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to
dream and I'll get right back to you I will now subject the prototype to
you I will now subject the prototype to the next phase of Environmental
the next phase of Environmental Testing exposure to extreme
Testing exposure to extreme [Music]
yes yes did you see that dber did you see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or
see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or some other strange growths would anyone
some other strange growths would anyone like to join me in a toast to
failure to failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my
failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my cubicle dangling from a power strip all
cubicle dangling from a power strip all right
right good for you the astronauts now
good for you the astronauts now approaching the module looking Natty and
approaching the module looking Natty and spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey
spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out
there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out of change I'll get you on the way back
of change I'll get you on the way back wait a minute that's my
wait a minute that's my wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not
wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not doing anything why are you dressed like
doing anything why are you dressed like that I'm not dressed like that you're
that I'm not dressed like that you're trying to look like him don't be
trying to look like him don't be ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob
ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob bastard imitation clothes are in the
bastard imitation clothes are in the laundry this is all I have left what
laundry this is all I have left what just happened to you are you in Bob
just happened to you are you in Bob bastard's camp now he has a camp
bastard's camp now he has a camp cool why do I try I think we make a
cool why do I try I think we make a terrific couple Alice you really think
terrific couple Alice you really think so no I'm just toying with your
so no I'm just toying with your emotions since I caught you in such a
emotions since I caught you in such a good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks
good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks another 50 oh forget it if you're going
another 50 oh forget it if you're going to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see
to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see you around no wait okay here
you around no wait okay here make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up
make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up for a new mask what do you mean you're
for a new mask what do you mean you're changing your name well seriously don't
changing your name well seriously don't you think it sounds good Wally bastard
you think it sounds good Wally bastard have you lost your mind you're worse
have you lost your mind you're worse than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set
than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set on destroying everything we hold dear
on destroying everything we hold dear here's my dress my
here's my dress my purse anything else yeah how about your
purse anything else yeah how about your car and your
car and your shoes
shoes okay can you give me a ride home
okay can you give me a ride home if the risk of sounding critical a
if the risk of sounding critical a little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're
little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're right see you tomorrow you're
right see you tomorrow you're suffocating me
Alice how come you gave Bob your car stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had
stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had just about enough of you trashing Bob
just about enough of you trashing Bob bastard he is not a bad man well he is
bastard he is not a bad man well he is but that's what makes him so
sexy I'm sorry Alice but he's the embodiment of all that's horrid and
embodiment of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world
loathsome in this world just because it's written on a bathroom
just because it's written on a bathroom wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it
wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it hey babe how about lending me a five
hey babe how about lending me a five sure works every
[Music] time oh sure we've been in touch with
time oh sure we've been in touch with Advanced alien Civilizations for years
Advanced alien Civilizations for years yeah they've opened their Laboratories
yeah they've opened their Laboratories to us any technology we
to us any technology we want hey hey how you
want hey hey how you doing Excuse
doing Excuse me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look
me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look this isn't a very good time I'm learning
this isn't a very good time I'm learning all the secrets of the universe hey guys
all the secrets of the universe hey guys would you keep it down I'm on long
would you keep it down I'm on long distance well here's one for you why do
distance well here's one for you why do women see the fact that I'm kind
women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of
sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see
weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later
where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of
fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact
cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate
that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury
child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury dope
dope boy oh that had to that's a good one
boy oh that had to that's a good one that was
that was [Music]
[Music] cold do you have a moment I don't know
cold do you have a moment I don't know have you heard something I need to talk
have you heard something I need to talk to someone and believe me no one else is
to someone and believe me no one else is around oh well in that case I'll be
around oh well in that case I'll be heading out it's kind of important
heading out it's kind of important uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called
uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called you in here is I can't decide which of
you in here is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits to keep on my
these lovely portraits to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed what
desk and which to hang over my bed what do you
do you think the I'm a free spirit who blows
think the I'm a free spirit who blows With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a
With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a sadistic nightmare who will watch over
sadistic nightmare who will watch over you as your sleep B bastard I sort of
you as your sleep B bastard I sort of like the first one
like the first one really well thanks for coming in dobert
really well thanks for coming in dobert but I I really need some time to myself
but I I really need some time to myself to think then meditate
is there something I can help you with how did you end up such a sadistic
how did you end up such a sadistic bastard
bastard anyway part of it has to do with the
anyway part of it has to do with the name but
there's more I wasn't always the bitter and
more I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man you see before
disfigured man you see before you I was born Robert child ber out
you I was born Robert child ber out wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents
wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents changed it to bastard when I was
changed it to bastard when I was three there was a time when my peers
three there was a time when my peers considered me a courteous and affable
considered me a courteous and affable test
test [Music]
[Music] engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing
engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing something doofus thanks I was
something doofus thanks I was wondering if you're not busy after work
wondering if you're not busy after work do you want to go see escape from the
do you want to go see escape from the plan of the Apes you're asking me
out and as if that wasn't painful enough she told all her friends
I told you not to leave that there I was devastated and the world has never been
devastated and the world has never been the
the same somehow shattering people's hopes
same somehow shattering people's hopes and dreams felt good it felt
and dreams felt good it felt right and it wasn't without its
right and it wasn't without its perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the
perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the Apes Marathon over at my house care to
Apes Marathon over at my house care to join us oh yeah who's going to be there
join us oh yeah who's going to be there just me and a girlfriend who's very open
just me and a girlfriend who's very open to
to experimentation as you can see I'm
experimentation as you can see I'm simply the victim of society I can't
simply the victim of society I can't escape who I am any more than I can
escape who I am any more than I can escape my
[Music] shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur
shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of
SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time
your valuable time see you at the test site bring your
see you at the test site bring your safety
safety [Laughter]
[Laughter] goggles look I've worked very hard
goggles look I've worked very hard seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to
seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to this Final Phase of testing and I just
this Final Phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself now
want to say how proud I am of myself now if we can just get rid of that Chunk on
if we can just get rid of that Chunk on the field maybe we can start the tests
the field maybe we can start the tests uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really
uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really it's so big welcome to the final round
it's so big welcome to the final round of testing and the M of the grunt Master
6000 here you go Bob you'll want this for the trip tonight's test will be the
for the trip tonight's test will be the asteroid crash simulation test
asteroid crash simulation test [Music]
[Music] oh just out of curiosity how often does
oh just out of curiosity how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine a
an asteroid hit an exercise machine a hit my
hit my StairMaster that's why I don't exercise
StairMaster that's why I don't exercise anymore
anymore [Music]
[Music] please deposit
please deposit $4,5
$4,5 7520
now what dog bir an asteroid is hurdling towards Earth and that would affect me
towards Earth and that would affect me how it's Bob bastard's final test it's
how it's Bob bastard's final test it's aimed at the gruntmaster in a few
aimed at the gruntmaster in a few minutes the Prototype will be destroyed
minutes the Prototype will be destroyed along with any chance of me being happy
along with any chance of me being happy there's a lot about you in this story
there's a lot about you in this story help
help me my a minute
me my a minute [Music]
[Music] please God help me crack this safe okay
please God help me crack this safe okay let's
see H Maybe uh here to the left you won't even feel the laser on your
won't even feel the laser on your [Music]
[Music] cornea now that is
cornea now that is embarrassing okay it's cited now where
embarrassing okay it's cited now where is that
asteroid we did it we're home free when you take the bandages off
free when you take the bandages off don't rip them off or he'll turn into a
don't rip them off or he'll turn into a charred
skeleton someday I'll look back at this and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's
and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's safe snug is a
bug when you want something done you have to do it yourself operate manual
have to do it yourself operate manual overdrive I was afraid of that let's see
overdrive I was afraid of that let's see I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft
I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft to get it out of the target
to get it out of the target [Music]
[Music] Zone let's rock Alice help me push this
Zone let's rock Alice help me push this thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean
thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean he wouldn't like
he wouldn't like that dber it wasn't me look
oh slurping gives me such great pleasure and the fact that Alice hates it arouses
and the fact that Alice hates it arouses [Music]
[Music] me bastard now will you help me push
me bastard now will you help me push this
this [Music]
[Music] thing oh
Poo it would be wrong to Simply stamp the Prototype approved
wow I have got to get me one of these space
space shuttles I just had the darn thing
[Applause] washed don't worry guys I won't say a
washed don't worry guys I won't say a word about the immortality serum so
word about the immortality serum so you're
you're welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed
welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have
me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I
done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely
wasn't me and everything was completely different hey Bob how's it going shut up
different hey Bob how's it going shut up Bob Bob yes Alice where's my car
y [Music]
do you think normal people pack suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a
suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a normal person that's a lot of clothes
normal person that's a lot of clothes just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia
just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas
it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas manufacturing facility look at the
manufacturing facility look at the company
company newsletter see they're all
newsletter see they're all smiling and your assignment is to make
smiling and your assignment is to make them stop if you must know my team's
them stop if you must know my team's being sent there to oversee quality
being sent there to oversee quality control on the production of my pride
control on the production of my pride and joy the gruntmaster
and joy the gruntmaster 6000 well while you're there maybe you
6000 well while you're there maybe you can help them develop a written language
can help them develop a written language you're living in the past my furry
you're living in the past my furry friend capitalism has transformed
friend capitalism has transformed elbonia the economy is burgeoning
elbonia the economy is burgeoning nothing like slave labor to perk up the
nothing like slave labor to perk up the [Music]
[Music] economy they're making many
economy they're making many advances for instance did you realize
advances for instance did you realize the leading cause of death in alonia is
the leading cause of death in alonia is no longer black
no longer black plague oh really what
plague oh really what is here we go it's self-inflicted
is here we go it's self-inflicted gunshot wounds must be a
typo excuse [Music]
[Music] me what are you doing I'm rattling the
me what are you doing I'm rattling the cans people expect it can I ask you a
cans people expect it can I ask you a question as long as it's Refuge related
question as long as it's Refuge related oh it is what are the odds that dilber
oh it is what are the odds that dilber can visit a factory in elbonia and
can visit a factory in elbonia and return alive
return alive oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he
oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he
flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he uses the bathroom in the plane that's
uses the bathroom in the plane that's about what I figured Dilbert's only hope
about what I figured Dilbert's only hope is to remain objective and ignore the
is to remain objective and ignore the plight of the elbonian people if he or
plight of the elbonian people if he or any member of his team gets involved in
any member of his team gets involved in their Internal Affairs or
their Internal Affairs or culture well I'd rather not think about
it that's a problem he likes to fix things well in that case you'll need the
things well in that case you'll need the help of someone who's incapable of
help of someone who's incapable of sympathy someone so cynical that the
sympathy someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a
suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment all right
source of cheap entertainment all right I'll go I have something that might help
I'll go I have something that might help you
here by the way what's the weather like in alonia this time of year why are you
in alonia this time of year why are you so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I
so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I have my
have my reasons h
reasons h a license to Kill it's better we can
a license to Kill it's better we can steal too
steal too [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
elbonian enjoy skiing all year round except when they're sipping hot totties
except when they're sipping hot totties at the Chalet
at the Chalet cheers then it Surfs Up along one of
cheers then it Surfs Up along one of elbonia many pristine beaches awesome
elbonia many pristine beaches awesome dude you'll find five of the seven Great
dude you'll find five of the seven Great Wonders of the World all within easy
Wonders of the World all within easy access by shuttle bus and when you're
access by shuttle bus and when you're done the whole family can relax at our
done the whole family can relax at our world famous casinos and don't forget
world famous casinos and don't forget mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in
mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in elbonia we never close and so from Sunny
elbonia we never close and so from Sunny snowy culturally enriched onia we bid
snowy culturally enriched onia we bid you Tata that's elbonian for
you Tata that's elbonian for Tata how the heck does this thing work
Tata how the heck does this thing work where's the needle there is no needle no
where's the needle there is no needle no wonder I can't turn it
off yes he's not here was it for me no are you sure elbonia is the best place
are you sure elbonia is the best place to take my vacation have I ever lied to
to take my vacation have I ever lied to you and later been detected when I went
you and later been detected when I went to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as
to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as much of the water as I could that's the
much of the water as I could that's the exception that proves the rule that what
exception that proves the rule that what that is I'll book your flight to alonia
that is I'll book your flight to alonia thank you when you get there remember to
thank you when you get there remember to wear lots of jewelry and walk around
wear lots of jewelry and walk around alone at
alone at [Music]
night isn't this exciting I said isn't this exciting I
exciting I said isn't this exciting I couldn't hear he you I was listening to
couldn't hear he you I was listening to the audio program the sound of
screaming I don't know why it takes three of us to inspect one elbonian
three of us to inspect one elbonian Factory we're a team besides I thought
Factory we're a team besides I thought you like getting out of the office you
you like getting out of the office you don't know me as well as you think this
don't know me as well as you think this is the first time I've ever flown first
is the first time I've ever flown first class kind of spoils you I feel sorry
class kind of spoils you I feel sorry for those people in
for those people in [Music]
[Music] coach I wonder what the movie is
coach I wonder what the movie is [Applause]
that is our notorious prison of No Escape and that is our world famous
Escape and that is our world famous Health
spot I don't know why but I feel a mystical connection to this
mystical connection to this place mud pie good
place mud pie good [Music]
the mud is calling me I'll see you [Music]
[Music] later we're here where welcome to the
later we're here where welcome to the hotel Elon
hotel Elon [Music]
sorry you can't park there diplomatic immunity my
immunity my friend now tear up the
friend now tear up the ticket now eat it now regurgitate
ticket now eat it now regurgitate it good wow just because you're a
it good wow just because you're a diplomat you can park anywhere you want
diplomat you can park anywhere you want that's nothing watch this gun
[Music] now dance for your Diplomat
now dance for your Diplomat [Music]
[Music] Dance Now River
Dance Now River [Music]
[Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to
Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied
alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco
for the job this isn't exactly Monaco diplomatic
diplomatic [Music]
immunity with all due respect the natives in my country are A Primitive
natives in my country are A Primitive and superstitious people they believe
and superstitious people they believe that every time you take their picture
that every time you take their picture you take their soul gotcha smile oh what
you take their soul gotcha smile oh what did I just tell you hey
did I just tell you hey hi what an oddl looking people it's us
hi what an oddl looking people it's us from work remember if only I spoke your
from work remember if only I spoke your language do you know where the pool is
language do you know where the pool is the pool swimmy
the pool swimmy swimmy ignorant logs
swimmy ignorant logs [Music]
[Music] wow the grunt Master
wow the grunt Master 6000 that's the first one off the
6000 that's the first one off the assembly
assembly line my
line my [Music]
[Music] prototype and this is where we house the
prototype and this is where we house the generators that power the
generators that power the factory as you can see incentive
factory as you can see incentive programs motivate our workers to put
programs motivate our workers to put forth their best efforts why don't they
forth their best efforts why don't they get off the B goes and walk around to
get off the B goes and walk around to get the pork
get the pork chop shut up that's crazy talk don't
chop shut up that's crazy talk don't listen to
listen to her these working conditions are
her these working conditions are appalling our appalling working
appalling our appalling working conditions are second to
conditions are second to none and over here is where the main
none and over here is where the main housing for the grunt Master is
forged shouldn't there be a guard rail around that guard
around that guard rail what is this in amusement park hey
rail what is this in amusement park hey you stupid lazy lefties shows over back
you stupid lazy lefties shows over back to work lefties yes of course that's all
to work lefties yes of course that's all they're good for if it wasn't for the
they're good for if it wasn't for the right man these lefties would have
right man these lefties would have nothing they'd still be sitting in the
nothing they'd still be sitting in the mud right people founded this country we
mud right people founded this country we built this country up from small mud
built this country up from small mud hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this
hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this country V it is God bless right elbon so
country V it is God bless right elbon so where do all the right people work in
management and this is where the grunt Master is actually
Master is actually [Music]
assembled as you can see our daycare facilities are second to
facilities are second to none
none oh you can't put babies to work on an
oh you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not the babies
assembly line these are not the babies the toddlers oh you're coming home with
the toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children
me I didn't know you wanted children Alice it didn't until this
Alice it didn't until this moment how about
now are those people dead technically yes but that's no excuse get to work you
yes but that's no excuse get to work you lazy
lazy corpse I've never seen anything so
corpse I've never seen anything so barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it
barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it we have an excellent benefits plan like
we have an excellent benefits plan like what if you die you get time off to
what if you die you get time off to attend your funeral that's it and the
attend your funeral that's it and the salary of five grobnik a month that's
salary of five grobnik a month that's less than a penny I beg your pardon it's
less than a penny I beg your pardon it's much less than a penny our motto is that
much less than a penny our motto is that work is its own
work is its own [Music]
[Music] reward here you go little fella open
reward here you go little fella open wide
wide [Music]
we've got to do something about the factory conditions I'd love to help but
factory conditions I'd love to help but I've got a baby to take care of all
I've got a baby to take care of all right I just don't want to okay so as I
right I just don't want to okay so as I was saying your Excellency we're very
was saying your Excellency we're very proud to have the grunt Master Built in
proud to have the grunt Master Built in alonia but the working conditions in the
alonia but the working conditions in the factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've
factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've never heard of that word uncontable no
never heard of that word uncontable no heinous
heinous mm-m h
mm-m h [Music]
[Music] what you seem to lean left my
friend check [Music]
[Music] please the ancient barrial lumps are
please the ancient barrial lumps are closed I'm not here for the tour I'm
closed I'm not here for the tour I'm looting diplomatic
looting diplomatic immunity oh have a nice
day I can't believe no one wanted this job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights
job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and then naturally there was a ton of
and then naturally there was a ton of mud and that's the story of Noah's
mud and that's the story of Noah's mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden
mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden of mud w-e I need your help old helpful
of mud w-e I need your help old helpful Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore
Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am
Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am one with the mud I am the mud the mud is
one with the mud I am the mud the mud is me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally
me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally and it's all the same from mud I came
and it's all the same from mud I came and to mud I have returned you came from
and to mud I have returned you came from mud I don't know whatever Wally you
mud I don't know whatever Wally you can't spend your life in the mud
can't spend your life in the mud surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert
surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert there's no right and wrong just shades
there's no right and wrong just shades of brown
of brown [Music]
[Music] have you filled out the forms
yes uh-oh what it says here that you are right-handed so the official alboni and
right-handed so the official alboni and adoption policy does not permit mixed
adoption policy does not permit mixed arm preference adoptions it is not fair
arm preference adoptions it is not fair to the child I switch hit and softball
to the child I switch hit and softball let's hope that's
let's hope that's [Music]
[Music] enough now fil the out
enough now fil the out [Music]
[Music] hi don't mind me we are the elbonian
hi don't mind me we are the elbonian left-handed Liberation Front and slow
left-handed Liberation Front and slow pitch softball team maybe we should talk
pitch softball team maybe we should talk I think that's what we're doing I mean
I think that's what we're doing I mean we should talk about your working
we should talk about your working conditions we can talk during the break
conditions we can talk during the break when's that
there it is how can you work like this why don't you demand better working
why don't you demand better working conditions what can we do the world is
conditions what can we do the world is stacked against the left-handed people
stacked against the left-handed people the books are right-handed the staplers
the books are right-handed the staplers are right-handed the discs tape bottles
are right-handed the discs tape bottles phones I'm pretty sure you can use any
phones I'm pretty sure you can use any of those things with either hand that's
of those things with either hand that's what they want you to think you know if
what they want you to think you know if you're going to change anything you're
you're going to change anything you're going to have to
going to have to organize now you've lost us you know
organize now you've lost us you know form a union it's called collective
form a union it's called collective bargaining if your demands aren't met
bargaining if your demands aren't met you forget about that no you strike you
you forget about that no you strike you refuse to work until you get better
refuse to work until you get better [Music]
[Music] conditions we'll do it we'll follow your
conditions we'll do it we'll follow your leadership and
leadership and strike and when the righties execute you
strike and when the righties execute you we will make small plastic statues in
we will make small plastic statues in your
your likeness look at them look at them
likeness look at them look at them slaving away like Pac mules this will
slaving away like Pac mules this will make a great shot hey everybody wave at
make a great shot hey everybody wave at the camera
[Music] okay you know I'm standing right in
okay you know I'm standing right in front of you okay here's my final offer
front of you okay here's my final offer designated smoke brakes for anyone who
designated smoke brakes for anyone who catches fire take it or leave it that's
catches fire take it or leave it that's an insult these people are dedicated
an insult these people are dedicated committed serious they're not going to
committed serious they're not going to cave in no matter how much pressure is
cave in no matter how much pressure is brought to bear they will not return to
brought to bear they will not return to work until their demands are met arrest
work until their demands are met arrest him okay back to
him okay back to [Music]
[Music] work you will be read your rights given
work you will be read your rights given a fair trial then
a fair trial then executed on second thought since we have
executed on second thought since we have no rights and we have no courts let's go
no rights and we have no courts let's go to the execution Bob yes
to the execution Bob yes Excellency they're ready they Aim
the execution of Dilbert will continue after these messages hello every day
after these messages hello every day alboni and babies go completely unshaven
alboni and babies go completely unshaven simply because they are left-handed
simply because they are left-handed won't you please stop
won't you please stop it stop it cute aren't
it stop it cute aren't they for only one grub Nick a day let me
they for only one grub Nick a day let me see that there now it's gone forever
see that there now it's gone forever [Applause]
that's it you're on your own um send your grubiks to shave the children PO
your grubiks to shave the children PO Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up
Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up the old ways are the best ways okay
the old ways are the best ways okay Dilbert this time we're ready for you no
Dilbert this time we're ready for you no tricks no one survives the giant
tricks no one survives the giant mudball I did shut up move bit out of
mudball I did shut up move bit out of the way Diplomat coming Licensed to
the way Diplomat coming Licensed to Kill diplomatic immunity that's right
Kill diplomatic immunity that's right now give me your clothes
now give me your clothes bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've
bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've decided to make a few changes around
decided to make a few changes around here and make no mistake about it these
here and make no mistake about it these are changes for change sake he's free
are changes for change sake he's free and all the workers demands are hereby
and all the workers demands are hereby met
[Music] we're free free at last a sweet
[Music] Freedom good to see
Freedom good to see you come right
you come right in right this way hey welcome come on in
in right this way hey welcome come on in good
[Music] to hey what's going on why is everyone
to hey what's going on why is everyone leaving you just got here the factory is
leaving you just got here the factory is automated they don't need us now we've
automated they don't need us now we've been downsized to how many
one um can somebody show me how to work this
this thing and then Lot's wife looked back
thing and then Lot's wife looked back and zap she turned into a pile of mud
and zap she turned into a pile of mud the man is a genius of visionary I have
the man is a genius of visionary I have to get a picture say
[Music] thank you for saving my life even though
thank you for saving my life even though it wasn't in danger I just couldn't
it wasn't in danger I just couldn't picture you as the official martyr of
picture you as the official martyr of elbonia I was only trying to do the
elbonia I was only trying to do the right thing a misguided exercise at best
what are you doing I'm taking the mud why cuz I've taken everything else
why cuz I've taken everything else that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my
that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my friend Henry here explain it to you
friend Henry here explain it to you hello Dilbert in the world of real
hello Dilbert in the world of real politic you must see that the
politic you must see that the infrastructure of alonia was built on
infrastructure of alonia was built on mud in a global economy this is the
mud in a global economy this is the equivalent of economic suicide thus in
equivalent of economic suicide thus in order to save alonia it must be Dem
order to save alonia it must be Dem mudded dog birth was doing the only
mudded dog birth was doing the only logical thing oh of course now I see you
logical thing oh of course now I see you do
do yes I don't even know what I'm talking
yes I don't even know what I'm talking about but for some reason it drives the
about but for some reason it drives the chicks wild when I talk this
way oh great Mudman how do you explain this is it a sign from above more like a
this is it a sign from above more like a sign from
sign from below freaking little mud
below freaking little mud boy here I am buying trinkets from one
boy here I am buying trinkets from one of the Native
of the Native Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool
Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool with some of the natives here I am
with some of the natives here I am flying home accompanied by a group of
flying home accompanied by a group of vacationing elbonian and here I am back
vacationing elbonian and here I am back at
at work by the way I'm pleased to announce
work by the way I'm pleased to announce that the production of the grunt master
that the production of the grunt master in elbonia has far exceeded our
in elbonia has far exceeded our expectations we can officially now
expectations we can officially now classify elbonia no longer a
classify elbonia no longer a poverty-stricken fourth world country
poverty-stricken fourth world country but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world
but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world country it is my fervent hope to some
country it is my fervent hope to some day visit this exotic
day visit this exotic [Music]
[Music] land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L
land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L elbonia where gambling and prostitution
elbonia where gambling and prostitution isn't just legal it's mandatory and this
isn't just legal it's mandatory and this week only at the Caesars elbonia the
week only at the Caesars elbonia the song stylings of Henry kisser
Las elbonia yea
elbonia yea [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
shouldn't you be at work by now and you're dehumanizing little cubicle
you're dehumanizing little cubicle squatting in quiet desperation I've got
squatting in quiet desperation I've got a
a cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses
cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses come on get dressed and go to work you
come on get dressed and go to work you know I like to have the house to myself
know I like to have the house to myself in the late morning I hate when people
in the late morning I hate when people go to work sick all they do is hack and
go to work sick all they do is hack and cough and spread their germs and infect
cough and spread their germs and infect everyone
else just to be safe it might be a good time to update your
will I Dilbert being of sound mind and sound body I can't sign this my body
sound body I can't sign this my body isn't sound typo
sound mind and round body it's just a cold and I'm this close to finding the
cold and I'm this close to finding the Cure look I've already isolated the
Cure look I've already isolated the virus you mean bacteria that's a common
virus you mean bacteria that's a common misconception colds are caused by
misconception colds are caused by viruses bacteria are microorganisms that
viruses bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by
contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division while viruses are
simple division while viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by
parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein which are unable to
a layer of protein which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell
reproduce without invading a host cell well you got a big old brain brain on
well you got a big old brain brain on you this microscopic nuclear powered
you this microscopic nuclear powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold
intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus and destroys it with a highly
virus and destroys it with a highly focused Sonic
Blast okay I don't usually like to do this but I feel sorry for you on so many
this but I feel sorry for you on so many levels here this will cure you
levels here this will cure you immediately really what is it a placebo
immediately really what is it a placebo a placebo now that you told me it's a
a placebo now that you told me it's a placebo it's not going to work it will
placebo it's not going to work it will if you think it will but I already know
if you think it will but I already know it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just
it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just said it
said it was that's precisely the power of the
was that's precisely the power of the placebo no thanks I'll try my
placebo no thanks I'll try my [Music]
ch ch [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] so according to the market research the
so according to the market research the people most likely to buy our
people most likely to buy our gruntmaster 6000 product are the same
gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group who are most likely to buy UFO
group who are most likely to buy UFO Abduction Insurance maybe we could
Abduction Insurance maybe we could package
them Alice you're sick go home I'm not sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm
sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm fine oh good for you
it's your fault you gave it to me yeah well you gave it to me before that well
well you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me before that well you
you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me you know we've been
gave it to me you know we've been passing the same cold back and forth for
passing the same cold back and forth for 7 years well you started it it's these
7 years well you started it it's these cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all
cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors or at least if I
had offices with doors or at least if I did can I have your sick days are you
did can I have your sick days are you coming down with something no but why
coming down with something no but why waste a sick day when you're sick
waste a sick day when you're sick because you're sick well I'd rather be
because you're sick well I'd rather be sick at the office they have soup and
sick at the office they have soup and tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm
tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm saving up six days I've got nearly uh
saving up six days I've got nearly uh 12,000 one day I'll have enough to call
12,000 one day I'll have enough to call in sick until I retire I'll trade you
in sick until I retire I'll trade you one of my sick days for a carton of
one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes it'll appear on your desk
sticky notes it'll appear on your desk tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a
tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape done
box of binder clips and some tape done and
and [Music]
[Music] done if I had my own office I would just
done if I had my own office I would just lock the door during cold season and
lock the door during cold season and never come out what about going to the
never come out what about going to the bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt
bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt what's the difference you'll never have
what's the difference you'll never have an office in this company or any other
an office in this company or any other ever you're an eded ear I can still
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
dream look at this it's a mind field of germs a oh my
germs a oh my [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
good lovely day isn't it anyway as you may have
may have heard especially
heard especially you 40% of our Workforce has dropped
you 40% of our Workforce has dropped dead from some sort of mysterious
dead from some sort of mysterious illness the heartier folks have just
illness the heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants we don't
turned into hideous mutants we don't know what's causing
know what's causing it but we have some
it but we have some hunches funny be that as it may the
hunches funny be that as it may the names of these Valiant employees who
names of these Valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be
died for some reason that cannot be conclusively linked to workplace hazards
conclusively linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall
have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind
you see behind [Applause]
[Applause] us then their sacrifice is an
us then their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all not to mention a
inspiration to us all not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the
cost savings that goes directly to the bottom
I I've lost my voice finally God sorry son I couldn't hear
son I couldn't hear you oh me at this time it gives me great
you oh me at this time it gives me great pleasure
pleasure to do
to do this it also gives me great pleasure to
this it also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of dogbert's private
introduce the owner of dogbert's private Environmental Protection Agency
him my Research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect feal matter
abnormal levels of insect feal matter present throughout this building and as
present throughout this building and as the black light reveals Even In This
the black light reveals Even In This Very Room
Very Room [Music]
the highest concentrations of insect F matter were found to be present on
matter were found to be present on [Music]
[Music] Wall-E
gross I can't see get away from me take a shower you're disgusting it's not my
a shower you're disgusting it's not my fault that flies like me so the insect
fault that flies like me so the insect feal matters making us sick no but I
feal matters making us sick no but I thought it was an interesting side note
thought it was an interesting side note unfortunately this building like
unfortunately this building like everything that's ever existed in the
everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe is is dying
history of the universe is is dying we're doing what we can to make its last
we're doing what we can to make its last hours
clear I have two recommendations either which I can feel more strongly about
which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee one
based purely on the size of my fee one is to keep the building on life support
is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people
indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die what if I just pretend to
mutate and die what if I just pretend to watch what's the other choice to build a
watch what's the other choice to build a brand new incredibly over budgeted
brand new incredibly over budgeted ill-conceived
ill-conceived headquarters Excuse me while I weigh
headquarters Excuse me while I weigh those very uh weighty
means excuse me can I see you can't you have I become invisible no woo you had
have I become invisible no woo you had me scared for a minute
me scared for a minute there I don't understand every day I
there I don't understand every day I water this silk tree but it hasn't grown
water this silk tree but it hasn't grown an inch it's not a tree that grows silk
an inch it's not a tree that grows silk it's made out of silk probably needs
it's made out of silk probably needs more light yeah try that uh by the way
more light yeah try that uh by the way what with the recent outbreak of disease
what with the recent outbreak of disease here I think you made the right decision
here I think you made the right decision to build a new headquarters that's not
to build a new headquarters that's not why we're moving get over yourself
why we're moving get over yourself there's a much bigger issue at stake
there's a much bigger issue at stake here there is yes of course this
here there is yes of course this building is a rectangle almost square
building is a rectangle almost square but not quite do you know what I mean
but not quite do you know what I mean rarely I've always wanted to work in a
rarely I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isoceles
building shaped like an isoceles triangle an isosceles triangle you think
triangle an isosceles triangle you think I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think
I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish
I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my
I'd married you instead of the hag in my house I was thinking you're going to
house I was thinking you're going to need somebody to oversee the design and
need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move
organize the move someone with First Rate engineering
someone with First Rate engineering skills an aptitude for problem
skills an aptitude for problem solving way above average
solving way above average intelligence no I think we should use
intelligence no I think we should use someone who works at this company well
someone who works at this company well I'd like to volunteer all I ask in
I'd like to volunteer all I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra
return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors oh I see your hidden
offices with doors oh I see your hidden agenda now you're the master of the
agenda now you're the master of the obvious no need to flatter me you've got
obvious no need to flatter me you've got the
the job and they said no engineer could have
job and they said no engineer could have his own
office I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters let's
site for the new headquarters let's visit site number
visit site number [Music]
[Music] two okay let's visit site number number
two okay let's visit site number number [Music]
[Music] three so I think the choice is pretty
three so I think the choice is pretty obvious right we build on the cliff side
obvious right we build on the cliff side wait wait what about the meadow if you
wait wait what about the meadow if you wanted the meadow why did you make such
wanted the meadow why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs but the
a convincing case for the cliffs but the meadow is so picturesque so peaceful
meadow is so picturesque so peaceful it's perfect Alice tell
it's perfect Alice tell them
them uhhuh Wall-E help me out
uhhuh Wall-E help me out here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from
here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from your
your house well I suppose we could build a
house well I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow get the best of both
cliff in the meadow get the best of both worlds or we could just wait a week and
worlds or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff will that
you'll forget about the cliff will that work usually well in that case why wait
work usually well in that case why wait the meadow it is and put your office
the meadow it is and put your office smack dab next to
structure will there be an elevator how does that work
does that work it now I sometimes get
it now I sometimes get work as you can see each floor will be
work as you can see each floor will be portioned into pi-shaped divisions so
portioned into pi-shaped divisions so that at the center of the pi where all
that at the center of the pi where all the divisions converge employees will
the divisions converge employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer
engage in valuable knowledge transfer must stay
must stay awake managers will have private offices
awake managers will have private offices as will one cunning engineer now any
questions I'm sorry I don't speak fly anyone else anybody what will be the
anyone else anybody what will be the parking situation at the new
parking situation at the new headquarters good question we will have
headquarters good question we will have a state-of-the-art underground parking
a state-of-the-art underground parking structure I'll be needing extra Headroom
how about it give it up for the [Music]
[Music] Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo
Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo Frankie and I are thinking about taking
Frankie and I are thinking about taking a ball game tonight afterwards we're
a ball game tonight afterwards we're going out for pizza some beers maybe
going out for pizza some beers maybe play a little darts what do you say who
play a little darts what do you say who are you very
are you very funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I
funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I know we've never spoken before but I
know we've never spoken before but I love your take on the new headquarters
love your take on the new headquarters brilliant stroke a genius really I'm
brilliant stroke a genius really I'm going to need some extra steps on the
going to need some extra steps on the staircase you know cuz of the
staircase you know cuz of the legs extra half steps on the stairs for
legs extra half steps on the stairs for multipods I'll see what I can do and
multipods I'll see what I can do and don't put me next to the
don't put me next to the boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've
boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in
never met would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become
normal life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken
reptilian I feel we have an unspoken Bond go on what with the scales and what
Bond go on what with the scales and what have you I'll be needing a sink with
have you I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to clean myself okay
scalding hot water to clean myself okay special scalding hot water valve for
special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees I'll try oh don't
reptilian employees I'll try oh don't put me next to the
put me next to the boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO
boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat
skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in my
so I can keep the temperature in my cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die
cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die special heating ducks for the skinless I
special heating ducks for the skinless I can't promise anything but okay I
can't promise anything but okay I understand I'm not afraid of expiring
understand I'm not afraid of expiring but just don't put me next to the boss
but just don't put me next to the boss got it
got it [Music]
[Music] hey watch
hey watch it sorry we need to talk right right um
it sorry we need to talk right right um you know there's a suggestion box on the
you know there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor how am I supposed to use a
fourth floor how am I supposed to use a suggestion box maybe you could just hang
suggestion box maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your
around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm
ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm going to need special pulley and slides
going to need special pulley and slides to get around the office in between
to get around the office in between floors and a customized keyboard and uh
floors and a customized keyboard and uh lower toilets much lower okay I'll check
lower toilets much lower okay I'll check into it and I will suck you into my
into it and I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the
ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well
boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well I need deep water I have to be in water
I need deep water I have to be in water I'm
I'm also I need a butt rubbing tree butt
also I need a butt rubbing tree butt rubbing tree got it keep them away from
rubbing tree got it keep them away from me okay I can put the swamp here a butt
me okay I can put the swamp here a butt rubbing tree over here lower these
rubbing tree over here lower these toilets all this just to get your own
toilets all this just to get your own office it's worth it do you really
office it's worth it do you really believe that all this is happening
believe that all this is happening because of sick building syndrome I have
because of sick building syndrome I have no reason not to believe it what if it's
no reason not to believe it what if it's all in their minds everything is in our
all in their minds everything is in our minds but when it causes us to grow an
minds but when it causes us to grow an extra leg I think we need to take it
extra leg I think we need to take it seriously okay okay on a lighter note I
seriously okay okay on a lighter note I have a coupon for a free feal wash no
have a coupon for a free feal wash no thanks on the house on the house okay
Wally you got your stuff packed it's time to go I'm not going anywhere D you
time to go I'm not going anywhere D you okay do flies catch cold or do they just
okay do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead are you going to use one of
drop dead are you going to use one of your sick days no way I've banked 14
your sick days no way I've banked 14 years worth of six days it's time to
years worth of six days it's time to cash them in and retire
cash them in and retire early uh
early uh w-e I hate to do this but I think this
w-e I hate to do this but I think this might be a good time to tell you
might be a good time to tell you something sick days don't accumulate
something sick days don't accumulate they
they expire and you can't trade sick days
expire and you can't trade sick days with other people
with other people we've been using you to steal office
we've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years it's easier
supplies for us for years it's easier than ordering from the
retrospect uh Dilbert yes my nose it itches try not to think about it
itches try not to think about it otherwise your whole body will start
otherwise your whole body will start itching
ah Moving Day exciting isn't it you know if this works out maybe we'll do it
if this works out maybe we'll do it every year what move that's insane
every year what move that's insane you've got to learn to think outside the
you've got to learn to think outside the box Dilbert so who's going to be in the
box Dilbert so who's going to be in the office next to me where all the action
office next to me where all the action happens the nerve
happens the nerve center you've got the whole floor to
center you've got the whole floor to yourself excellent by the way I forgot
yourself excellent by the way I forgot to tell you I need to make a few minor
to tell you I need to make a few minor alterations to the building operations
alterations to the building operations teeny tiny nothing with nothing but
teeny tiny nothing with nothing but poito Saar like what well remember that
poito Saar like what well remember that whole thing about the isoceles triangle
whole thing about the isoceles triangle I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid
I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid but it's already been built you're in
but it's already been built you're in charge make it happen check back with me
charge make it happen check back with me in a week that's the spirit that's the
in a week that's the spirit that's the end of that
end of that [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed
Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed with the way the new headquarters has
with the way the new headquarters has turned out it's so shiny and big and
turned out it's so shiny and big and white and these portals you can actually
white and these portals you can actually see through them it's a miracle you mean
see through them it's a miracle you mean the windows yes and those magical moving
the windows yes and those magical moving stairs I mean where do they all go
stairs I mean where do they all go anyway you've done a bang up job it's so
anyway you've done a bang up job it's so perfect thank you it's so perfect too
perfect thank you it's so perfect too bad we can't afford to stay here what I
bad we can't afford to stay here what I just saw the rent allocation budget too
just saw the rent allocation budget too rich for our blood we'll have to lease
rich for our blood we'll have to lease it out to a more profitable company but
it out to a more profitable company but but by the way where's the cliff
but by the way where's the cliff [Music]
[Music] sh
[Music] Alice you look a lot I was never sick
Alice you look a lot I was never sick yeah that's what I meant to
say luckily everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic
developing an immunity to the toxic environment I guess as a species
environment I guess as a species ultimately we can adapt to anything yay
ultimately we can adapt to anything yay for
for us everybody I'd like to personally
us everybody I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new
welcome you all back to the new healthier old headquarters how is it
healthier old headquarters how is it healthier well for one thing we've added
healthier well for one thing we've added warning
[Music] signs hey everybody I'm back to my old
signs hey everybody I'm back to my old self too bad secondly we've stocked the
self too bad secondly we've stocked the first aid kits with these new Wonder
first aid kits with these new Wonder drugs plusy BOS
drugs plusy BOS [Music]
[Music] w
w [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
we have a big problem here drop everything you're doing and solve it I'm
everything you're doing and solve it I'm going to be late for work oh this is far
going to be late for work oh this is far more important than your career you
more important than your career you always say that well this time it's true
always say that well this time it's true the TV is not working I've been sitting
the TV is not working I've been sitting here for nearly a minute without
here for nearly a minute without entertainment change the battery in the
entertainment change the battery in the remote the one on the left the one on
remote the one on the left the one on the left well that's just spooky not
the left well that's just spooky not really I have the ne
really I have the ne The Knack for technology my mom says I
The Knack for technology my mom says I always
always have I'm worried about little Dilbert
have I'm worried about little Dilbert he's not like other kids what do you
he's not like other kids what do you mean yesterday I left him alone for a
mean yesterday I left him alone for a minute and he disassembled the TV our
minute and he disassembled the TV our clock and the stereo that's perfectly
clock and the stereo that's perfectly normal kids take things apart oh the
normal kids take things apart oh the part that worries me is he used the
part that worries me is he used the components to build a ham radio
components to build a ham radio set oh dear
set oh dear is that bad normally I'd want to run an
is that bad normally I'd want to run an EEG on him but the machine isn't
EEG on him but the machine isn't [Music]
working it's worse than I feared what is it I'm afraid your son has The
it I'm afraid your son has The Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare
Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare condition characterized by an extreme
condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical
intuition about all things mechanical and electrical and utter social
and electrical and utter social ineptitude can he lead a normal life
ineptitude can he lead a normal life no you'll be an
engineer no there there don't blame yourself will it go away over time it
yourself will it go away over time it might but pray it doesn't if an engineer
might but pray it doesn't if an engineer loses The Knack the results can be
loses The Knack the results can be [Music]
[Music] devastating and in further news you
devastating and in further news you might want to get out thanks for filling
might want to get out thanks for filling in for our regular doctor on such short
in for our regular doctor on such short notice I was in the neighborhood
here I bought a double A yesterday because I sensed this coming you're
because I sensed this coming you're freaking me out I don't know why I told
freaking me out I don't know why I told you I have The
you I have The Knack The Knack
good [Laughter]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Music] now
[Applause] [Music]
as you know Humanity has pretty much destroyed the ecological balance of the
destroyed the ecological balance of the planet it's not my fault I recycle no
planet it's not my fault I recycle no one's blaming you loud Howard I blame
one's blaming you loud Howard I blame him why do you blame me when you recycle
him why do you blame me when you recycle your newspapers do you iron out the
your newspapers do you iron out the wrinkles first no well maybe you should
wrinkles first no well maybe you should Planet Killer all right then that's
Planet Killer all right then that's settled the point is the Earth is
settled the point is the Earth is polluted Beyond repair that leaves us
polluted Beyond repair that leaves us one viable business strategy we're going
one viable business strategy we're going to clean up the earth oh Jee
to clean up the earth oh Jee no I should say not clean up the no
no I should say not clean up the no we're going to start polluting outter
we're going to start polluting outter space I didn't become an engineer so I
space I didn't become an engineer so I could pollute the solar system why did
could pollute the solar system why did you become an engineer isn't it obvious
you become an engineer isn't it obvious she picked the one profession where
she picked the one profession where she'd be surrounded by sexy men all
she'd be surrounded by sexy men all [Music]
[Music] day so tell me more about this polluting
day so tell me more about this polluting of space idea no no no
of space idea no no no no sh we won't be calling it polluting
no sh we won't be calling it polluting negative connotation we prefer the word
negative connotation we prefer the word advertising I'm talking Billboards in
advertising I'm talking Billboards in space no one can read a billboard in
space no one can read a billboard in space they can if we make them really
space they can if we make them really big do you have any idea how much that
big do you have any idea how much that would cost $1,000 maybe $50
would cost $1,000 maybe $50 billion well then we'll just have to
billion well then we'll just have to amortize the costs advertise the costs
amortize the costs advertise the costs that doesn't even mean anything we'll
that doesn't even mean anything we'll find a way to get it done failure isn't
find a way to get it done failure isn't in my vocabulary neither is amortise
in my vocabulary neither is amortise apparently here we go
again you're drinking out of my cup you have drunk from the cup of
cup you have drunk from the cup of management now you're infected what are
management now you're infected what are you talking about that's ridiculous soon
you talking about that's ridiculous soon your technical skills will evaporate
your technical skills will evaporate like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they
like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they warned us about this in school there was
warned us about this in school there was management DNA in the backwash of that
management DNA in the backwash of that cup now it's in you it's like a virus
cup now it's in you it's like a virus people I'd like to get the first space
people I'd like to get the first space billboard launched in 30 days does
billboard launched in 30 days does anyone see a problem with that no
way knows nothing a pointy head idiot who stinks like OD
who stinks like OD socks sounds like we have
socks sounds like we have [Music]
[Music] consensus I don't know what's wrong with
consensus I don't know what's wrong with this pen I'm going out on a limb here
this pen I'm going out on a limb here but I'll say it's out of ink that
but I'll say it's out of ink that management DNA must have infected you
management DNA must have infected you you've lost the neck I have not lost the
you've lost the neck I have not lost the neck I'll show you who's lost the neck
neck I'll show you who's lost the neck I'll design this thing myself out of my
I'll design this thing myself out of my cubicle I need privacy this is my
cubicle I need privacy this is my cubicle sense of direction it's the
cubicle sense of direction it's the first thing that goes when you lose the
Knack Dilbert just the man I need what's it mean when you get a sister error
it mean when you get a sister error number
number 53 watch me solve this with intuition
53 watch me solve this with intuition alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that
alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that one before but I have a feeling it's
one before but I have a feeling it's your network interface card what should
your network interface card what should I do press control and
F9 thanks hey
thanks hey Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP
Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP address it's been a while but I think
address it's been a while but I think this will
this will [Music]
work I haven't lost my engineering neck just because a few things go wrong even
just because a few things go wrong even great athletes have dry spells like the
great athletes have dry spells like the great Olympian Amil gartan world record
great Olympian Amil gartan world record holder in both the javelin and the 100y
holder in both the javelin and the 100y yard dash only person who ever died by
yard dash only person who ever died by throwing a spear into his own back did
throwing a spear into his own back did you just make that up clever wasn't it
you just make that up clever wasn't it can we talk about me instead of madeup
can we talk about me instead of madeup people sure pass the
bread okay tell me about your day I've got to design a low earth orbit
got to design a low earth orbit advertising satellite as big as New
advertising satellite as big as New Zealand and get it launched in 30 days
Zealand and get it launched in 30 days for under $1,000 that is so sad and
for under $1,000 that is so sad and pathetic and then what well that's kind
pathetic and then what well that's kind of the whole story they're not laughing
of the whole story they're not laughing at you They're laughing with you I
at you They're laughing with you I didn't say anyone was laughing at me
didn't say anyone was laughing at me you're only ugly on the outside what are
you're only ugly on the outside what are you talking about they say swimming is
you talking about they say swimming is the best exercise well I've always
the best exercise well I've always agreed with that
agreed with that but hey
but hey [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] a light sail well you still need a huge
a light sail well you still need a huge groundbased laser to push it we can
groundbased laser to push it we can borrow the one at the particle
borrow the one at the particle accelerator lab we only need it for a
accelerator lab we only need it for a few minutes are you done yet good Lord
few minutes are you done yet good Lord man you're working me to the bone has it
man you're working me to the bone has it been tough well this coffee cup doesn't
been tough well this coffee cup doesn't carry itself around get some rest Wally
carry itself around get some rest Wally you too start pulling your
weight the components are all off the shelf we can put this thing together in
shelf we can put this thing together in a week it looks good on paper but how do
a week it looks good on paper but how do we know you haven't lost The
we know you haven't lost The Knack I haven't lost The
Knack there's something wrong with it let me have a
look there it should be fine thanks Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you
Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you think we could go out sometime
attention all workers has anybody seen my pen the one that writes in four
my pen the one that writes in four colors it's not worth a lot of money or
colors it's not worth a lot of money or anything but my mom gave it to me and it
anything but my mom gave it to me and it has a lot of s this is a terrible
has a lot of s this is a terrible program what else is on Hey where's the
program what else is on Hey where's the clicker why aren't I sitting in my
clicker why aren't I sitting in my recliner oh for crying out loud for the
recliner oh for crying out loud for the last time this is not a TV show you're
last time this is not a TV show you're telling me look at this guy he hasn't
telling me look at this guy he hasn't moved the whole time I've been watching
moved the whole time I've been watching although it does build suspense you know
although it does build suspense you know what leave this on oh what the hell I
what leave this on oh what the hell I can't can't take it tell me the ending
can't can't take it tell me the ending 40 minutes after liftoff the ship will
40 minutes after liftoff the ship will achieve orbit at that time the tissue
achieve orbit at that time the tissue thin balloon material will unfurl
thin balloon material will unfurl creating an advertising Banner over 5
creating an advertising Banner over 5 miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2
miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2 [Music]
[Music] 1 blooper all systems are green the the
1 blooper all systems are green the the laser should kick in in 15 seconds and
laser should kick in in 15 seconds and put our baby on target are you sure you
put our baby on target are you sure you gave the right coordinates to the laser
gave the right coordinates to the laser operator you've been off your game
operator you've been off your game lately me off my game
lately me off my game [Music]
[Music] ha ohoh
ha ohoh [Music]
[Music] hm hey hey
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
what should we do party
do party [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] I'll sharpen your knives you simple
I'll sharpen your knives you simple Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've
Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've got raisins shriveled and brown who
got raisins shriveled and brown who wants raisins the finest in Town bows
wants raisins the finest in Town bows and arrows and kill some birds then you
and arrows and kill some birds then you shove them in a
pie hi Dilbert do I know you what do you mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from
mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from across the street the insurance salesman
across the street the insurance salesman what happened to you well ever since
what happened to you well ever since that satellite got knocked out that was
that satellite got knocked out that was yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart
yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart pretty fast without power and
pretty fast without power and Communications luckily Denise over there
Communications luckily Denise over there she went to a Renaissance Festival last
she went to a Renaissance Festival last summer so she knew what to do so you
summer so she knew what to do so you want to be a blacksmith we also need a
want to be a blacksmith we also need a guy to sweep little piles of dung into
guy to sweep little piles of dung into big piles a dong I'll get back to
big piles a dong I'll get back to [Music]
[Music] you we have to realign the satellites
you we have to realign the satellites and restore power and Communications oh
and restore power and Communications oh forget it stop being a stick in the mud
forget it stop being a stick in the mud everybody's having a great time no more
everybody's having a great time no more multitasking no more fact modems email
multitasking no more fact modems email voicemail video conferencing
voicemail video conferencing teleconferencing pointing clicking and
teleconferencing pointing clicking and all that other stuff I never did anyway
all that other stuff I never did anyway where's Alice just follow the sounds of
where's Alice just follow the sounds of tambourines and drunken
[Music] [Applause]
laughter Alice hey buddy you're going to have to wait your turn like the rest of
have to wait your turn like the rest of us quiet
us quiet [Music]
[Music] Nave what the hell is going on we're
Nave what the hell is going on we're celebrating the return to simpler times
celebrating the return to simpler times you mean the downfall of civilization no
you mean the downfall of civilization no I mean The Rebirth of the human heart
I mean The Rebirth of the human heart with technology gone we're free to enjoy
with technology gone we're free to enjoy our true nature to release the animal
our true nature to release the animal within and let it live wild and Untamed
within and let it live wild and Untamed so you're not going back to work I am at
so you're not going back to work I am at work this is my job now you're a free
work this is my job now you're a free spirit a child of nature I live for the
spirit a child of nature I live for the moment and follow my whims wherever they
moment and follow my whims wherever they guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy
guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy and my hours are from yesterday until
and my hours are from yesterday until forever and if you don't like it I'll
forever and if you don't like it I'll kick the crap out of you terrific
kick the crap out of you terrific where's the boss he's over there
where's the boss he's over there fulfilling his role in the natural order
fulfilling his role in the natural order of things a dialogue about maximizing
of things a dialogue about maximizing quality productivity would bring about a
quality productivity would bring about a consensus within the time parameters of
consensus within the time parameters of our earlier proactive
our earlier proactive [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] assessment and to think dber we have you
assessment and to think dber we have you to thank for all of this no don't thank
to thank for all of this no don't thank me this this is awful let's raise a
me this this is awful let's raise a glass of me to
glass of me to Dilbert
Dilbert [Applause]
[Applause] tobert what me what's wrong with you
tobert what me what's wrong with you people don't you see what's happened
people don't you see what's happened yeah fine if I have to repair those
yeah fine if I have to repair those satellites single-handedly then that's
satellites single-handedly then that's what I'll do who's with me none of
what I'll do who's with me none of [Music]
[Music] us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's
us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's coffee I would still have my knack for
coffee I would still have my knack for technology I'm afraid your son has The
technology I'm afraid your son has The Knack can he lead a normal life you're
Knack can he lead a normal life you're drinking out of my car now you're
drinking out of my car now you're infected you've lost the neck that
infected you've lost the neck that management DNA must have infected you
management DNA must have infected you you're only ugly on the
outside I've got it I know how to get my neck
back hello hello somebody answer me there's got to be someone out there I'll
there's got to be someone out there I'll pay any roaming charges I'll accept a
pay any roaming charges I'll accept a collect international
call what did I tell you about trying to contact the outside
contact the outside [Music]
world to facilitate the implementation of our business system transition
of our business system transition strategy we must maximize our talent
strategy we must maximize our talent pace and thereby determine our
pace and thereby determine our propensities for consensus
propensities for consensus [Music]
building here drink this oh kind sir you offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst
offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst alas I have but recently emed a goblet
alas I have but recently emed a goblet of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you
of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you say to wet one's whistle why what harm
say to wet one's whistle why what harm could it do but apparently I am already
could it do but apparently I am already quenched drink
quenched drink [Music]
it good sir your generosity will not be circumvented pH I salute you I don't
circumvented pH I salute you I don't feel any
feel any [Music]
different I hope you washed your cup [Music]
dirty rags for sale who buys dirty rags you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags
you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags what I need is to find my Knack yes The
what I need is to find my Knack yes The Knack it's like trying to find the one
Knack it's like trying to find the one good rag in a huge pile of bad
good rag in a huge pile of bad ones how's that the same sometimes the
ones how's that the same sometimes the harder you look the better it
hides when you stop looking for the neck it will find
familiar you know if you shorten the axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress
axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress and you won't have this
and you won't have this problem
problem exactly looks like you found your rag
exactly looks like you found your rag [Music]
I know you've grown accustomed to the new ways the authenticity and the
new ways the authenticity and the relationship with nature but it's a lie
relationship with nature but it's a lie we live in a cold mechanistic
we live in a cold mechanistic technocracy we have to make that work I
technocracy we have to make that work I know life is unfair you'll get no
know life is unfair you'll get no argument from me I know it's not fun and
argument from me I know it's not fun and it's not novel but it's real to that end
it's not novel but it's real to that end I've turned this Silo into a rocket by
I've turned this Silo into a rocket by loading it with 20 tons of match heads
loading it with 20 tons of match heads it's going to reorient the satellites
it's going to reorient the satellites and give us back our
and give us back our [Music]
[Music] technology thank God I am tired of
technology thank God I am tired of sleeping in dung and wearing these
sleeping in dung and wearing these unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss
unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss TV my show
TV my show [Music]
o it didn't work everything is still ruined but now it's worse because for a
ruined but now it's worse because for a few moments we had hope sign for Human
few moments we had hope sign for Human Sacrifice just let me get this
calling H too bad I was beginning to enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the
enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the simple life until it gets
simple life until it gets [Music]
[Music] complicated where's Dad tonight he's
complicated where's Dad tonight he's still at the all you can eat buffet
still at the all you can eat buffet place in the mall how long has he been
place in the mall how long has he been there since
there since 1979 you got to hand it to him he
1979 you got to hand it to him he doesn't give up for him it's the
doesn't give up for him it's the principal he's not coming home until
principal he's not coming home until he's sure it's all he can eat it was a
he's sure it's all he can eat it was a mistake for them to put bathrooms in
mistake for them to put bathrooms in that
that place you remind me so much of him what
place you remind me so much of him what little I can
little I can remember how can they say it's the
remember how can they say it's the world's favorite snack I'd like to see
world's favorite snack I'd like to see the evidence that supports that maybe
the evidence that supports that maybe you should write to them and man
you should write to them and man proof now you've done it and how do they
proof now you've done it and how do they know this is 30% of my daily recommended
know this is 30% of my daily recommended fat isn't everyone a different size to
fat isn't everyone a different size to begin with let's go in the living room
begin with let's go in the living room he'll be a
he'll be a while are they telling me a jockey needs
while are they telling me a jockey needs the same amount of cookie protein as a
the same amount of cookie protein as a professional
professional weightlifter they must think we're
weightlifter they must think we're idiots or something without a weight
idiots or something without a weight chart this is completely unhelpful
[Music] w
h h Huh according to my perpetual calendar program June 30th in the year
calendar program June 30th in the year 2014 will be a Thursday Did you know
2014 will be a Thursday Did you know that if I say yes will you not talk no
that if I say yes will you not talk no this is kind of interesting guess what
this is kind of interesting guess what day of the week is the first day of the
day of the week is the first day of the year
year 2,222 Tu day no but that would have been
2,222 Tu day no but that would have been good too more importantly which is
good too more importantly which is better Paris or Rome
better Paris or Rome better Paris
better Paris which is better Prague or Budapest why
which is better Prague or Budapest why does it matter which is better
does it matter which is better Prague which is better what are you
Prague which is better what are you doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium
doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium parties Millennium parties yes which is
parties Millennium parties yes which is better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a
better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a minute maybe my invitations have been
minute maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail oh who cares I never
lost in the mail oh who cares I never like New Year's Eve anyway and this
like New Year's Eve anyway and this one's no different except that everyone
one's no different except that everyone on Earth will be celebrating the end of
on Earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium
the millennium well everyone except you I don't care I
well everyone except you I don't care I will not be pressured into having fun
will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base
just because we arbitrarily use a base 10 counting system and a big round
10 counting system and a big round number is coming up if I'm going to have
number is coming up if I'm going to have fun I want a good reason well said so
fun I want a good reason well said so which is better lisan or Istanbul oh
which is better lisan or Istanbul oh come on I can't be the only person not
come on I can't be the only person not getting invitations to Millennium
getting invitations to Millennium parties which is better Tokyo or Munich
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
do you guys have any party plans for New Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a
Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a total loser would have no plans for the
total loser would have no plans for the biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what
biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got
are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got plans I'm planning to link up with my
plans I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a
survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunition dump do you
National Guard ammunition dump do you know something I don't Hello the
know something I don't Hello the millennium
millennium bug when the date hits 2000 all computer
bug when the date hits 2000 all computer will malfunction and the world will
will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos I don't want to be
plunge into chaos I don't want to be outgunned we won't have a year 2000
outgunned we won't have a year 2000 problem in this company all of our
problem in this company all of our computers are new not all you're
computers are new not all you're forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that
forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that main frame was replaced years ago Black
main frame was replaced years ago Black Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I
Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I haven't thought about Old Black Betty in
haven't thought about Old Black Betty in ages maybe never but she's real as real
ages maybe never but she's real as real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom
as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear about
at night and steals my underwear about that main frame not now I'm reminiscing
that main frame not now I'm reminiscing where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty
where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty the main frame boy oh boy we thought
the main frame boy oh boy we thought about replacing her years ago but then
about replacing her years ago but then we thought well why not just Cobble our
we thought well why not just Cobble our new systems to the old one with Untold
new systems to the old one with Untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete
miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable why'd you do that it was an
coax cable why'd you do that it was an executive decision we figured it would
executive decision we figured it would save money in the short run and only
save money in the short run and only later plunged the company Into Darkness
later plunged the company Into Darkness after we Executives had all left for
after we Executives had all left for other companies but you're still here
other companies but you're still here brinksmanship I live for it you know how
brinksmanship I live for it you know how sometimes you're driving down the
sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming
freeway and you pull into the oncoming Lane intentionally only to Swerve away
Lane intentionally only to Swerve away at the last minute that was you you ran
at the last minute that was you you ran me off the road stared Destiny right in
me off the road stared Destiny right in the face you could have killed me sorry
the face you could have killed me sorry anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva
anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva we have to do something about the
we have to do something about the millennium bug the millennium bug are
millennium bug the millennium bug are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is
you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm
here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K
talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K oh yes um t3g pardon
oh yes um t3g pardon b9c b9c look if our computer systems are
b9c b9c look if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty some
all connected to Black Betty some ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun
ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun we're out of business when the date
we're out of business when the date changes you mean all the technology is
changes you mean all the technology is going
going to break yes is there any way this
to break yes is there any way this collapse of civilization thing could
collapse of civilization thing could affect me personally I think it might
affect me personally I think it might okay then you have my full support to
okay then you have my full support to fix the problem unless it involves any
fix the problem unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort
sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part remember money is No Object
on my part remember money is No Object unless of course you plan to spend it me
unless of course you plan to spend it me why is it up to me because you brought
why is it up to me because you brought it up you know the rules he who
it up you know the rules he who complains is assigned to fix it that
complains is assigned to fix it that only applies to little things this could
only applies to little things this could be the biggest project in our company's
be the biggest project in our company's history and I've never even seen that
history and I've never even seen that Black Betty Mainframe no one has for
Black Betty Mainframe no one has for years it's quite splendiferous you've
years it's quite splendiferous you've seen it I helped install it of course
seen it I helped install it of course that was years ago before the life force
that was years ago before the life force was drained for my body and I became a
was drained for my body and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man
selfish and apathetic shell of a man then you can help I don't think you were
then you can help I don't think you were listening besides I don't even remember
listening besides I don't even remember back then you have to help Wally the
back then you have to help Wally the career of every employee depends on it
career of every employee depends on it if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose
if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose our payroll system our pension database
our payroll system our pension database the Personnel records it will be as if
the Personnel records it will be as if we never even worked here for me every
we never even worked here for me every day is like that you know what I mean if
day is like that you know what I mean if we go down you're going down with us sh
we go down you're going down with us sh sh yes uh I want the gold card the
sh yes uh I want the gold card the silver card and the Platinum Card are
silver card and the Platinum Card are there any other heavy metals that you
there any other heavy metals that you make cards in okay then send them out
make cards in okay then send them out Wally what are you doing welcoming in
Wally what are you doing welcoming in the Millennium by ordering credit cards
the Millennium by ordering credit cards that's right I'm applying for every
that's right I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on then
credit card I can get my hands on then I'll take huge cash advances and wait
I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the
for the millennium bug to hose the bank's computers they'll never be able
bank's computers they'll never be able to build me you would have made a great
to build me you would have made a great great evil mastermind n the hours are
great evil mastermind n the hours are too
too long Alice you've got to help me on this
long Alice you've got to help me on this year 2000 project I need a team I would
year 2000 project I need a team I would but I don't have time I'm buried with
but I don't have time I'm buried with work maybe you should come with me to
work maybe you should come with me to see the Director of Human Resources he
see the Director of Human Resources he might have a company sponsored program
might have a company sponsored program for time
for time management aook we need your help on the
management aook we need your help on the year 2000 project I'd like to help but
year 2000 project I'd like to help but I'm just an intern I have no experience
I'm just an intern I have no experience with computers made before the '90s come
with computers made before the '90s come with us to see the Director of Human
with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he knows of some company
Resources maybe he knows of some company sponsored training you can
take w-e shh I'm securing a home equity loan but you don't own a home I don't
loan but you don't own a home I don't but my good friend Bob does who's Bob
but my good friend Bob does who's Bob I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our
I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our best hope you've got to help on the year
best hope you've got to help on the year 2000 problem you were there you know
2000 problem you were there you know where the date code is on the old main
where the date code is on the old main frame I don't remember any of it it was
frame I don't remember any of it it was a long time ago yes I'm holding come
a long time ago yes I'm holding come with us to see the Director of Human
with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he has some sort of
Resources maybe he has some sort of company sponsored program to regain lost
memories Bob Bob are you there hello Bob dogor I need you meet me at work
[Music] what do you want we came to see Mr
what do you want we came to see Mr catart what for well I need 45 more
catart what for well I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000
people to help me on the year 2000 project I need more time I need
project I need more time I need experience I need a memory what about
experience I need a memory what about the dog I'm perfect but thanks for
the dog I'm perfect but thanks for asking Mr catb bird is busy go away
we could shove as shook the intern through the opening and he can unlock
through the opening and he can unlock the door from the other side I could
the door from the other side I could never fit in that tiny
hole note to self get smarter troll to guard door we need your help I can't
guard door we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy
help why not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company
aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what
policies do I have a great job or what if you don't help us we're going to be
if you don't help us we're going to be stuck here and we'll never be able to go
stuck here and we'll never be able to go home Dilbert you don't need me you have
home Dilbert you don't need me you have everything you need right here take a
everything you need right here take a shook here he has no experience I am a
shook here he has no experience I am a blank slate but what he doesn't realize
blank slate but what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same
is that cynicism is almost the same thing as
thing as experience it is sure just try thinking
experience it is sure just try thinking the worst about people and you'll
the worst about people and you'll usually be right I feel wiser already
usually be right I feel wiser already and Alice you need more time but that's
and Alice you need more time but that's only because you spend so much time with
only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning
your hair and makeup in the morning that's a necessity only in your mind you
that's a necessity only in your mind you mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no
mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no I mean it's a lost
I mean it's a lost cause you should put that time to better
cause you should put that time to better use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e
use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e does it need a real memory I doubt no
does it need a real memory I doubt no recent court rulings have proven false
recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing
memory is just as good as the real thing maybe better how do I get one of those
maybe better how do I get one of those hypnosis will do the trick I have some
hypnosis will do the trick I have some books right here let me see those
books right here let me see those [Music]
[Music] you don't have these on video do you
you don't have these on video do you okay this is a start but I still need
okay this is a start but I still need more bodies don't you have a list of
more bodies don't you have a list of surplused employees well I don't usually
surplused employees well I don't usually do this do what be helpful but I do have
do this do what be helpful but I do have a list of employees who have recently
a list of employees who have recently been terminated how does that help still
been terminated how does that help still on the payroll for two more weeks
on the payroll for two more weeks they're all described in this binder
they're all described in this binder [Music]
[Music] the useless guy the useless guy will
the useless guy the useless guy will take up space and eat your Donuts
take up space and eat your Donuts sometimes he will clip articles from
sometimes he will clip articles from Publications and leave them on your
Publications and leave them on your chair Ted the generic guy he has no
chair Ted the generic guy he has no distinct characteristics people who have
distinct characteristics people who have known him for years can't describe him
known him for years can't describe him there may be more than one Ted in the
there may be more than one Ted in the company no one really knows zimu the
company no one really knows zimu the monkey smarter than the average siman
monkey smarter than the average siman writes computer code at record speed
writes computer code at record speed thanks to his tail they aren't much but
thanks to his tail they aren't much but they have to do can you regress him to
they have to do can you regress him to his earlier days as an engineer when he
his earlier days as an engineer when he helped install the main frame I'm not up
helped install the main frame I'm not up to the regression chapter yet what have
to the regression chapter yet what have you learned I can make him walk a tight
you learned I can make him walk a tight RPP across a ravine does it have to be a
RPP across a ravine does it have to be a ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure
ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm
Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm huh oops I skipped a chapter
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
mom mom in here dear push a little harder get your shoulder into
it Mom what are you doing stockpiling stockpiling why where have you been
stockpiling why where have you been haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it
haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my
I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company you are God help them
whole company you are God help them thanks mom maybe you should start
thanks mom maybe you should start hoarding essential supplies before it's
hoarding essential supplies before it's too late why are you hoarding hair
too late why are you hoarding hair conditioner I had a coupon mom it would
conditioner I had a coupon mom it would be a lot easier to talk to you if I
be a lot easier to talk to you if I could see you I'm not here I'm at the
could see you I'm not here I'm at the warehouse shopping club with a movie van
warehouse shopping club with a movie van am I so predictable you can record your
am I so predictable you can record your side of the conversation in advance yes
side of the conversation in advance yes you are so predictable I can record my
you are so predictable I can record my side of the conversation in
side of the conversation in [Music]
[Music] advance put it
[Music] back excuse me I need to get out get out
back excuse me I need to get out get out nobody gets out haven't you learned that
nobody gets out haven't you learned that by now I mean the driveway I know what
by now I mean the driveway I know what you mean the question is do you know
you mean the question is do you know what you mean what do you mean you're
what you mean what do you mean you're concerned about Y2K you're afraid you
concerned about Y2K you're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in
won't be able to solve the problem in time that you'll go down in history as
time that you'll go down in history as the goat of the New Millennium how do
the goat of the New Millennium how do you know that it's written all over your
you know that it's written all over your face if you're so smart what do I do
face if you're so smart what do I do about the year 2000 problem don't fight
about the year 2000 problem don't fight the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am
the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am Y2K are you just going to keep repeating
Y2K are you just going to keep repeating what I say okay okay embrace it got it
finally um excuse me I still need to get out they never
optional and then he says do you know what you mean and I said fix it yet not
what you mean and I said fix it yet not yet okay as I was
yet okay as I was saying cut it out I'm not doing anything
saying cut it out I'm not doing anything your tail is poking my face your face is
your tail is poking my face your face is poking my tail let's go around the table
poking my tail let's go around the table and introduce ourselves we just did that
and introduce ourselves we just did that can anyone pay attention
can anyone pay attention here can I say something
here can I say something what nothing it's just been a while
what nothing it's just been a while since I said
since I said anything now Ted it seems to me you
anything now Ted it seems to me you might be able to Ted I was saying you
might be able to Ted I was saying you might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you
might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's
talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's not well what is it well it's Ted but
not well what is it well it's Ted but not the Ted you're thinking
not the Ted you're thinking of hey what did I tell you come and get
of hey what did I tell you come and get me get him off of me I cut out this
me get him off of me I cut out this article today I'll pass it around
article today I'll pass it around [Applause]
[Applause] there it is Black Betty that main frame
there it is Black Betty that main frame is tied to every computer system in this
is tied to every computer system in this company and only Wall-E knows its
company and only Wall-E knows its [Music]
Secrets this is the only control Port into Black Betty it hasn't been used for
into Black Betty it hasn't been used for years there must be 10 million lines of
years there must be 10 million lines of computer code in that thing and no
computer code in that thing and no written documentation
written documentation let's give up now and form an agrarian
let's give up now and form an agrarian society don't panic yet if dogbert can
society don't panic yet if dogbert can get Wall-E to remember how we installed
get Wall-E to remember how we installed this we'll know exactly where to make
this we'll know exactly where to make the changes so our futures depend on
the changes so our futures depend on WALL-E that's it we're all
Farmers how's it going any progress no apparently he was a cow in a previous
apparently he was a cow in a previous life stop playing around we need him to
life stop playing around we need him to remember his days as a young engineer
remember his days as a young engineer when he installed the Black Betty m
when he installed the Black Betty m frame you're stressed have a glass of
frame you're stressed have a glass of warm milk I am kind of
thirsty it's cobal I learned about this in school you learned a program in
in school you learned a program in Cobalt no I learned about it in History
Cobalt no I learned about it in History Class history you say I'll see if I can
Class history you say I'll see if I can find anything about history in the
find anything about history in the literature
1970s I am getting such a sunburn whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway why
idea was this pyramid thing anyway why don't we just cover the Pharaoh with
don't we just cover the Pharaoh with sand you afraid we run
sand you afraid we run out now this is more like
out now this is more like [Music]
[Music] it hey I'm on a
it hey I'm on a break how did you get here hey who's the
break how did you get here hey who's the hypnotist
hypnotist right a God has descended to Earth sorry
right a God has descended to Earth sorry no
autographs in retrospect this was a pretty great Epoch all right who wants
pretty great Epoch all right who wants to Fan me back back in time to the
to Fan me back back in time to the 1970s
1970s ad remember yourself as a young engineer
ad remember yourself as a young engineer I had hair you were full of optimism and
I had hair you were full of optimism and enthusiasm I cared about my job morning
enthusiasm I cared about my job morning morning morning morning morning good
morning morning morning morning good morning that's the new whiz
morning that's the new whiz kid hot shot so much hope and energy
kid hot shot so much hope and energy he's got the World on a
he's got the World on a String hey w-e how about some coffee uh
String hey w-e how about some coffee uh thanks but no thanks I don't want to
thanks but no thanks I don't want to miss any
work look at him go he's written an entire customer database system from
entire customer database system from scratch
scratch why do we only use two digits to store
why do we only use two digits to store the dates it saves space yeah but in the
the dates it saves space yeah but in the year 2000 the programs won't work
year 2000 the programs won't work because the computer will think it's
year0 we know from the hypnotic regression that Wall-E used to be a
regression that Wall-E used to be a great engineer wow from great engineer
great engineer wow from great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years
to doorstop in just a few short years Wally was a magnific stallion before he
Wally was a magnific stallion before he became a broken man you don't often hear
became a broken man you don't often hear the words Wall-E and stallion in the
the words Wall-E and stallion in the same sentence but he was a stallion once
same sentence but he was a stallion once that's the point don't you get it I get
that's the point don't you get it I get it no I don't we've got to think like
it no I don't we've got to think like Wall-E no young
Wall-E no young Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this
Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this year 2000 problem coming he would have
year 2000 problem coming he would have left Flags in the program so he could
left Flags in the program so he could find the date code easily probably some
find the date code easily probably some sort of key keyword in the program
sort of key keyword in the program documentation if we figure out the
documentation if we figure out the keyword we'll know exactly where the
keyword we'll know exactly where the problems are w-e what is the keyword
problems are w-e what is the keyword keyword what is the keyword keyword no
keyword what is the keyword keyword no no what is the keyword
keyword I think his keyword was keyword all right I said smart not creative
all right I said smart not creative [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
this old equipment won't make it it has to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never
to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never have a way to reprogram the main
[Music] frame he's not going to make it he's not
frame he's not going to make it he's not fast enough step aside I see what he's
fast enough step aside I see what he's doing you just need a faster typist
doing you just need a faster typist [Music]
[Music] still no good he won't make it use the
still no good he won't make it use the tail zimo the
blow I feel so soiled even more than usual
usual oh my God have I been working is it
oh my God have I been working is it fixed yet we won't know until January
fixed yet we won't know until January 1st why what significance does January
1st why what significance does January 1st have January 1st 2000 apparently
1st have January 1st 2000 apparently you've been too busy fooling around to
you've been too busy fooling around to read the news the National Bureau of
read the news the National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000 the
Standards has decided to skip 2000 the 21st century won't officially start till
21st century won't officially start till the year 2001 you can't do that that's
the year 2001 you can't do that that's what they said about daylight savings
what they said about daylight savings time no they didn't well they should
time no they didn't well they should have my watch is off by an hour
have my watch is off by an hour sometimes it's like that for months
sometimes it's like that for months maybe we should get hopping on The Year
maybe we should get hopping on The Year 3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud
3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud good thinking Alice you're in
[Music] charge Hi how are
charge Hi how are you what nothing I'm here to withdraw
you what nothing I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances from each of
the maximum cash advances from each of these credit
these credit cards are you one of those guys who
cards are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records will be
thinks our computer records will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you
wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you won't have to pay us back and there's
won't have to pay us back and there's nothing you can do about
nothing you can do about [Music]
[Music] it here you
go you know no matter how many times I do that it's always enjoyable
do that it's always enjoyable [Applause]
w [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
hey I know you you live across the street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't
street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't know right so let's just keep this on a
know right so let's just keep this on a professional level okay I'm selling
professional level okay I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like
overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam h how many cartons should I
Styrofoam h how many cartons should I put you down for will my money go to a
put you down for will my money go to a good cause well what do you consider a
good cause well what do you consider a good cause feeding the poor our troop is
good cause feeding the poor our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's
taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's in New York I know where it is aren't
in New York I know where it is aren't both of your parents successful
both of your parents successful attorneys is that relevant to this
attorneys is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way your
cookie transaction in any way your family is Rich why should I pay for your
vacation my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a
nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this
experience no no it's okay don't don't cry it's so unfair first your generation
cry it's so unfair first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its
pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay
natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a
just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be $80 $80 for cookies
okay take my money go visit the Fashion Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't
Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't you write down my name or something I
you write down my name or something I don't like to leave a paper trail thank
don't like to leave a paper trail thank you you're
you you're [Music]
[Music] welcome what you buckled under the
welcome what you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl
pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I
learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a
think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my
life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to
example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah
help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it
that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my
doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical
cynical friend okay to settle the question give
friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good
me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give
that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost the
me $20 because you lost the bet did I just make a bet that would
bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah
cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah yes but you also got to help someone
yes but you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself
more fortunate than yourself [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Music] oh hey
[Applause] [Music]
this year I have volunteered to chair the associated weight charity drive for
the associated weight charity drive for our County I think you all know why is
our County I think you all know why is it because you need another plaque to
it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall
cover a fly stain on your office wall yes that and something about poor people
yes that and something about poor people I expect they'll send me some details in
I expect they'll send me some details in the mail it's like you're a saint or
the mail it's like you're a saint or something no loud how I'm no saint I
something no loud how I'm no saint I just believe that people should do their
just believe that people should do their fair share or in the case where one of
fair share or in the case where one of those people is the boss other people
those people is the boss other people should do it for him this is even more
should do it for him this is even more inspirational than last year now in
inspirational than last year now in keeping with tradition three charity
keeping with tradition three charity coordinators will be chosen from the
coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless
list of our most useless employees W hey top of the list four
employees W hey top of the list four years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we
years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we found in the stairwell and the chair
found in the stairwell and the chair he's sitting in which we've named Ronald
he's sitting in which we've named Ronald oh tough competition congratulations you
oh tough competition congratulations you will each be assigned an official
will each be assigned an official Associated way uniform and a donation
Associated way uniform and a donation container Cool chick's dier man in
container Cool chick's dier man in uniform everybody who donates will get
uniform everybody who donates will get one of these colorful stylish I get to
one of these colorful stylish I get to keep my job t-shirts of course
keep my job t-shirts of course participation is completely 100%
participation is completely 100% voluntary any questions
yeah cariv Carnival all right youngsters
cariv Carnival all right youngsters settle down we'll have the company
settle down we'll have the company charity Carnival
charity Carnival okay I hate that Carnival all the money
okay I hate that Carnival all the money raised at the carnival is spent paying
raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival and it's based on the
for the carnival and it's based on the premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating
premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating hardly charitable Concepts how dare you
hardly charitable Concepts how dare you how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh
how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival
Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no
I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no it's just that uh
it's just that uh well okay exactly where does the money
well okay exactly where does the money go well there's the poor who I keep
go well there's the poor who I keep going on about and of course the plaques
going on about and of course the plaques don't grow on trees isn't the plaque
don't grow on trees isn't the plaque made of wood so then it does grow on a
made of wood so then it does grow on a tree why do you ask a question if you
tree why do you ask a question if you already know the answer he's an Arrogant
already know the answer he's an Arrogant Bastard now listen Punk if you think you
Bastard now listen Punk if you think you can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel
can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel that is then go right ahead Carnival
that is then go right ahead Carnival chairman Dilbert
chairman Dilbert haha what just
happened so Dilbert how much can I put you down
you down for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone
for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone until next year ooh $20 I'll see if
until next year ooh $20 I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you you
they'll name a hospital after you you don't even know where the money goes I
don't even know where the money goes I don't know where pudding comes from but
don't know where pudding comes from but I still eat it that is such a bad
I still eat it that is such a bad analogy thank you w-e now I can never
analogy thank you w-e now I can never eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt
eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories no
you to cut down on the calories no matter what people say Alice looks are
matter what people say Alice looks are important Alice have you fulfilled your
important Alice have you fulfilled your obligation to society yes I signed up
obligation to society yes I signed up for payroll deduction I like to give I'm
for payroll deduction I like to give I'm morally Superior to Dilbert that is so
morally Superior to Dilbert that is so illogical as long as there are starving
illogical as long as there are starving people in the world you can't have money
people in the world you can't have money in the bank can still claim to be moral
in the bank can still claim to be moral there is ample precedent for my behavior
there is ample precedent for my behavior it is completely societally appropriate
it is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford
to give only as much as one can afford you just bought six pairs of shoes that
you just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the
look exactly the same that came out of my shoe budget
same that came out of my shoe budget Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a
Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a fragile system that shoe money could
fragile system that shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year what's
have fed a poor family for a year what's so moral about letting people starve to
so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes
death so that you can have extra shoes stop it you're ruining everything I mean
stop it you're ruining everything I mean until you give it all away you're not
until you give it all away you're not more moral you just feel less guilty I
more moral you just feel less guilty I don't agree the concept of morality is
don't agree the concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context I
contingent upon the cultural context I mean the relative value of guilt in a
mean the relative value of guilt in a so-called free Society I mean altruistic
so-called free Society I mean altruistic inclinations are dependent upon I mean
inclinations are dependent upon I mean damn you're right I hate
that hey can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security
the disabled veterans of retail security you don't look disabled to me I've got
you don't look disabled to me I've got prickly heat ad's just kind of slow
prickly heat ad's just kind of slow which one of us is Ed you're on my turf
which one of us is Ed you're on my turf fellas don't start with me you wouldn't
fellas don't start with me you wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume
be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill can you settle
that I've had to kill can you settle this
this outside I'm collecting for the Sisters
outside I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion there's no such
of Perpetual Motion there's no such thing as perpetual motion not now but if
thing as perpetual motion not now but if we collect enough money someday well
we collect enough money someday well come
come you who should I make that out to to the
you who should I make that out to to the Society of guys with large bellies who
Society of guys with large bellies who don't havex satellite dishes yet this
don't havex satellite dishes yet this will nearly triple our odds of seeing
will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see
us I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewers guide that's extra morning
cable viewers guide that's extra morning Governor would you help out a good C and
Governor would you help out a good C and buy a candy bar only
buy a candy bar only $5 how do I know my money won't be
$5 how do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses
squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the uh what was the
and never reach the uh what was the cause again we're trying to find a cure
cause again we're trying to find a cure for canine apathy canine
for canine apathy canine apathy by any chance is your leader
apathy by any chance is your leader about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail
about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail okay urchins bring the money to the
van you seem a little short no sir no I would never do I have to run a full body
would never do I have to run a full body cavity search on
cavity search on you good and put more dirt on your
you good and put more dirt on your [Music]
face dog bir I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you
at least I'll get a few minutes a piece howdy that my name is Foster from the
howdy that my name is Foster from the organization of farmers who are afraid
organization of farmers who are afraid of cows why don't they just change jobs
of cows why don't they just change jobs how's a cow going to change jobs cityy
how's a cow going to change jobs cityy boy use your head go away leave me
boy use your head go away leave me alone would you donate money to the
alone would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and
women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks money for
don't realize how bad it looks money for mountain goats with three legs hey
mountain goats with three legs hey you're hiding your leg I can see it hey
you're hiding your leg I can see it hey mind your own business buddy I'm not a
mind your own business buddy I'm not a man I heard there was a charity frenzy
man I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress did I miss anything okay
in progress did I miss anything okay here here this is all I have everyone
here here this is all I have everyone just leave me
alone oh Dilbert I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the associated way banquet
my plaque at the associated way banquet tomorrow night tell them how grateful I
tomorrow night tell them how grateful I am do you think this could have waited
am do you think this could have waited until later
until later don't mind me I'll just
[Music] wait there I was in the NBA Allstar
wait there I was in the NBA Allstar forward multi-millionaire life was good
forward multi-millionaire life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol
until I turned to drugs and alcohol actually that part was pretty good too I
actually that part was pretty good too I love drugs and
love drugs and alcohol but I did get kicked off the
alcohol but I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire Fortune that's
team and lost my entire Fortune that's when the associated way helped me out I
when the associated way helped me out I got sober I started my own business now
got sober I started my own business now I got a beautiful wife great kids a
I got a beautiful wife great kids a mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on
mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on both coast and a jet and best of all I
both coast and a jet and best of all I haven't paid any taxes in
years thank you I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life and
learned a valuable lesson about life and now to accept the appreciation award on
now to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our County coordinator is one
behalf of our County coordinator is one of his flunkies dillbert
of his flunkies dillbert [Applause]
on behalf of my boss who didn't care enough to be here thank you for this
enough to be here thank you for this lovely
plaque and if you don't mind me saying so what exactly was the lesson we're
so what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged out
supposed to get from this drugged out basketball
basketball player I mean didn't he just teach us
player I mean didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict your
that if you become a drug addict your life will turn out
fine it seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an
charity concept is nothing but an exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm
exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm all for helping the disadvantaged but
all for helping the disadvantaged but aren't most of your funds going towards
aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs wouldn't it be more
administrative costs wouldn't it be more effective more cost effective more
effective more cost effective more impactful if each of us just helped one
impactful if each of us just helped one other
person but I digress thank you all for this lovely
digress thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss I'm sure you could
plaque for my boss I'm sure you could have fed a family of for for what it
have fed a family of for for what it costs to make
it it was just an argument I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind too late
trying to change anyone's mind too late gandi you've killed charitable giving
gandi you've killed charitable giving forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn
forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn it
it [Music]
hey what happened what happened get this guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the
guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the crew that cleans up I understand that
crew that cleans up I understand that how do you with your college degree you
how do you with your college degree you know we might not be Engineers but
know we might not be Engineers but there's a certain science to what we do
there's a certain science to what we do too well no there's not but I'm not here
too well no there's not but I'm not here to argue you've just discarded all of
to argue you've just discarded all of Alice's possessions what this junk where
Alice's possessions what this junk where she's going she ain't going to be
she's going she ain't going to be needing it where's she going the street
needing it where's she going the street the street but how's she going to live
the street but how's she going to live what about food clothing
what about food clothing shelter it's no problem it's not nope
shelter it's no problem it's not nope not anymore tell them homeless Depot is
not anymore tell them homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs
the place for all your homeless needs and at prices that can't be beat
and at prices that can't be beat homeless Depot now in two convenient
homeless Depot now in two convenient locations our original location at 11233
locations our original location at 11233 skid row and visit our newest homeless
skid row and visit our newest homeless Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of
Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of that abandoned Waterfront area down
that abandoned Waterfront area down there okay let's see
there okay let's see sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy
sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy cigarette butts those are on sale right
cigarette butts those are on sale right do you have your homeless Depot card of
do you have your homeless Depot card of course that's another 20% off Alice what
course that's another 20% off Alice what do you want Dilbert you gave all your
do you want Dilbert you gave all your money away what choice did I have you
money away what choice did I have you convinced me that it would be immoral to
convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it hey that is a spiffy
hold on to it hey that is a spiffy shopping cart you like it I customized
shopping cart you like it I customized it is that a motor yeah N9
it is that a motor yeah N9 horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I
horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running
could get the carnival up and running again a carnival you mean like with
again a carnival you mean like with rides excuse me do I know you I'm your
rides excuse me do I know you I'm your neighbor I'm your friend I'm your
neighbor I'm your friend I'm your relative I'm the one you won't make eye
relative I'm the one you won't make eye contact with the one you're afraid to
contact with the one you're afraid to say hello to so in other words no
we're here at the charity Carnival the brainchild of this man Dilbert who
brainchild of this man Dilbert who ironically is the same man whose popular
ironically is the same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has
outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to thousands of
meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people was that a question there
needy people was that a question there you have it in his own words he just
you have it in his own words he just doesn't
doesn't [Music]
care wait I know this one it's Ted darn how does he do
how does he do it next this booth is doing well right
it next this booth is doing well right this way see the freaks $1 why
not I can't get an outside line I can't even get an operator to give me an
even get an operator to give me an outside line what does this button mean
outside line what does this button mean I've never heard that sound before it's
I've never heard that sound before it's it's not a busy signal it's more like a
it's not a busy signal it's more like a a beep beep beep beep that's funny I
a beep beep beep beep that's funny I could have sworn I put my glasses down
could have sworn I put my glasses down right here I was reading the paper and
right here I was reading the paper and then I got
up step right up knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy
off a beam with a baseball and win a toy watch how easy it is to win
watch how easy it is to win [Music]
[Music] come on folks don't be shy being a
come on folks don't be shy being a street urchin with a baseball you look
street urchin with a baseball you look innocent but you know they've done
innocent but you know they've done something to deserve it what about you
something to deserve it what about you sir that is disgusting you mean to say
sir that is disgusting you mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a
if I hit one of those kids with a baseball I could win some of this stuff
baseball I could win some of this stuff that's the
that's the premise isn't that my camera and my
premise isn't that my camera and my binoculars and my CD player tell you
binoculars and my CD player tell you what I'll do you hit one kid in the
what I'll do you hit one kid in the Noggin with one base basball and I'll
Noggin with one base basball and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth
give you all the prizes close the booth and go home all the prizes is there an
and go home all the prizes is there an echo in here all right I'll take a
shot step right up everybody plays only I win
I win oh that looks
oh that looks good yeah how do they do that hi
good yeah how do they do that hi hi well something smells
hi well something smells good I am just about parted
good I am just about parted out oh brother I've got to sit
out oh brother I've got to sit [Music]
[Music] down oh nobody's sitting here just take
down oh nobody's sitting here just take a load off till I get chased
Dy get a shot of the idiot on the dunking
[Music] tank ooh
tank ooh o hi everybody
o hi everybody [Music]
[Music] oh my God they've killed the
oh my God they've killed the [Music]
[Music] boss there's no pulse are you sure he
boss there's no pulse are you sure he had one
had one before he's not breathing do you know
before he's not breathing do you know what this means what does it mean 3-day
what this means what does it mean 3-day weekend maybe more somebody's going to
weekend maybe more somebody's going to have to give him mouth to mouth
have to give him mouth to mouth resusitation great
resusitation great [Music]
that well I'll be who would have guessed it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no
it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no you were drowning I saved you so you
you were drowning I saved you so you didn't slip me a Mickey and have your
didn't slip me a Mickey and have your your away with me no well that's first
your away with me no well that's first you're a hero now how does it feel
you're a hero now how does it feel strangely good except for the smell of
strangely good except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget you
chili dogs that I may never forget you saw it live one man acting against his
saw it live one man acting against his own interest to help his fellow man
own interest to help his fellow man nothing to gain but the knowledge that
nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some
he helped another human being in some small way what you have witnessed is
small way what you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete Rebirth
nothing less than the complete Rebirth of the spirit of
of the spirit of giving that's all from here yeah
giving that's all from here yeah yeah we go that was
yeah we go that was beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat
beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat stuck in a drain pipe across
stuck in a drain pipe across town if I'm not mistaken you just
town if I'm not mistaken you just performed an act of Charity without
performed an act of Charity without draining your bank account yeah so I
draining your bank account yeah so I believe I've made my
believe I've made my [Music]
[Music] point I just wanted to hear you admit it
that woman does not like to lose an [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
Sho all right I'm not the organic matter you think I am just like anything you
you think I am just like anything you hear from my employees
I'm going to need another plaque [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
do I have to wear this yes rat bird it's a dog bird day tradition everyone must
a dog bird day tradition everyone must wear the uncomfortable festive headgear
wear the uncomfortable festive headgear except me I think a fruit fly just went
except me I think a fruit fly just went up my
up my nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch
nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade why
the pine cone celebration parade why don't you go watch it in person then I
don't you go watch it in person then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary look
wouldn't get to hear the commentary look Phil it's another one of those big
Phil it's another one of those big things what are they called I think that
things what are they called I think that is called a float and the name
is called a float and the name originated right here in Seattle
yeah H they got further last year I forget is dog birthday and national
forget is dog birthday and national holiday well right now it's confined to
holiday well right now it's confined to the room but I'm trying to take it
the room but I'm trying to take it national I have a meeting with Congress
national I have a meeting with Congress tomorrow how do you get a meeting with
tomorrow how do you get a meeting with Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The
Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The apwd Bu The Association of people who
apwd Bu The Association of people who drink beer and use Dynamite exactly
drink beer and use Dynamite exactly Congress is trying to squelch their
Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech freedom of speech what
freedom of speech freedom of speech what exactly are people who drink beer and
exactly are people who drink beer and use Dynamite trying to say h usually
use Dynamite trying to say h usually it's something like I'm sorry about what
it's something like I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe
happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe but it's not what they say it's their
but it's not what they say it's their right to say it it is not really it's
right to say it it is not really it's just an excuse to talk to Congress so I
just an excuse to talk to Congress so I can push my idea for national dog
can push my idea for national dog birthday we'll return to the pine cone
birthday we'll return to the pine cone celebration after the body count now we
celebration after the body count now we join babe gets what's coming to him
join babe gets what's coming to him already in
already in progress how does one celebrate dog
progress how does one celebrate dog birthday aside from wearing
birthday aside from wearing uncomfortable hats rat
bir on dog birthday any child who has been good all year gets the shoplift for
been good all year gets the shoplift for an hour I think good behavior should be
an hour I think good behavior should be rewarding the traditional dog birthday
rewarding the traditional dog birthday Feast is the bald eagle I wanted
Feast is the bald eagle I wanted something special the traditional music
something special the traditional music of dog birthday is a drum solo played on
of dog birthday is a drum solo played on your own skull with
your own skull with [Music]
[Music] spoons do you think anyone will catch on
spoons do you think anyone will catch on to the fact that the entire dog bird Day
to the fact that the entire dog bird Day holiday is designed for the sole purpose
holiday is designed for the sole purpose of being annoying no one caught on when
of being annoying no one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day I
I invented National Secretary's Day I wondered who came up with that
[Music] [Laughter]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
hey you broke my window it was already like that what are
window it was already like that what are you talking about I watched you do it
you talking about I watched you do it well well it looks like we have one of
well well it looks like we have one of those he said she said situations I also
those he said she said situations I also have it on
have it on videotape so it's a he said she said
videotape so it's a he said she said grainy video situation I'll have
grainy video situation I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a
second you got quite a list of priors here dick
here dick [Music]
now it's going to be awkward every time I see him in the
I see him in the [Music]
hallway sign the Secretary's Day card for Carol and run it around have you
for Carol and run it around have you ever wondered who came up with
ever wondered who came up with Secretary's Day who comes up with any of
Secretary's Day who comes up with any of this garbage here I've got a card for
this garbage here I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding a congratulations
Jennifer's wedding a congratulations card for Mike's baby three birthdays and
card for Mike's baby three birthdays and a gender change operation card that says
a gender change operation card that says get well and then on the inside it says
get well and then on the inside it says hung cute I signed those already here
hung cute I signed those already here whoa nice try but I already signed it
whoa nice try but I already signed it you know the rules you have to find the
you know the rules you have to find the next person on the routing slip all
next person on the routing slip all right all
right all right oh let the hunt
right oh let the hunt begin I hate
holidays hey dick old buddy it's your turn to find this Secretary's Day
turn to find this Secretary's Day [Music]
card there you are Delbert the meeting's just
starting can we go now now now loud Howard I know we're all anxious to start
Howard I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend and get on with our
the long weekend and get on with our vacation plans what long weekend there
vacation plans what long weekend there isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think
isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think that's what makes it long shut up
that's what makes it long shut up Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes
Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes be sure to ski near the trees it's more
be sure to ski near the trees it's more fun that way can we go now no Howard we
fun that way can we go now no Howard we have to start the meeting hey a sports
have to start the meeting hey a sports bra can I have that so you're letting
bra can I have that so you're letting them play sports
them play sports now that's the same sound made by the
now that's the same sound made by the [ __ ] before it swallows its prey the
rhinoceros sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest one of those
a mongoose to digest one of those beautiful creatures it's quite a sight
beautiful creatures it's quite a sight you know that's the best time to bagar
you know that's the best time to bagar Rhino they can't see you coming once
Rhino they can't see you coming once they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose
they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose is the size of a cat and they hibernate
is the size of a cat and they hibernate did you know that can we go now no not
did you know that can we go now no not quite yet though for the life of me I'm
quite yet though for the life of me I'm not sure why does anyone know why I
not sure why does anyone know why I called this meeting anybody I'm asking
called this meeting anybody I'm asking for
volunteers I have something to say we have too many holidays we have
say we have too many holidays we have more holidays than days and if we're not
more holidays than days and if we're not celebrating a holiday we're either
celebrating a holiday we're either planning for the next one or we're
planning for the next one or we're recovering from the last one we spend
recovering from the last one we spend all our time giving cards to people we
all our time giving cards to people we don't know decorating cakes for people
don't know decorating cakes for people we don't care about or buying presents
we don't care about or buying presents for people we don't even like enough to
for people we don't even like enough to have his friends outside of work that
have his friends outside of work that reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh
reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh you're welcome it seems that someone
you're welcome it seems that someone invents a new holiday every day holidays
invents a new holiday every day holidays that don't make sense for reasons that
that don't make sense for reasons that we don't understand it's made all
we don't understand it's made all holidays meaningless I've always loved
holidays meaningless I've always loved Groundhog Day those little guys are so
Groundhog Day those little guys are so cute before you shoot them is there some
cute before you shoot them is there some point here yes the reason we can't get
point here yes the reason we can't get any work done around here is because we
any work done around here is because we don't have any non-holiday days so you
don't have any non-holiday days so you think we should work nights instead can
think we should work nights instead can we go now I am totally preoccupied with
we go now I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation no point in
my upcoming vacation no point in fighting it meeting
[Music] just boys you ought to get out there
just boys you ought to get out there live a little if you need me I'm
live a little if you need me I'm reachable in Africa just call Africa and
reachable in Africa just call Africa and ask for me I told them to expect your
ask for me I told them to expect your [Applause]
[Applause] call how come you didn't leave with the
call how come you didn't leave with the rest of them as Shook on my salary I can
rest of them as Shook on my salary I can only afford to take vacations within the
only afford to take vacations within the building
building itself this year I have saved up enough
itself this year I have saved up enough money to spend 5 days in the handicapped
money to spend 5 days in the handicapped toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's
toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel
bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel program so I guess it's just you and me
program so I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow no just you my vacation
at work tomorrow no just you my vacation commences in 10 minutes but feel free to
commences in 10 minutes but feel free to visit me there is always room for guests
visit me there is always room for guests should I bring anything potato salad
should I bring anything potato salad would be
would be nice they move the holiday to a Monday
nice they move the holiday to a Monday so it's a 3-day holiday then they want
so it's a 3-day holiday then they want to leave on Friday to take full
to leave on Friday to take full advantage of it but everyone's leaving
advantage of it but everyone's leaving on Friday and everyone wants to beat the
on Friday and everyone wants to beat the traffic so they leave on Thursday and if
traffic so they leave on Thursday and if you're leaving on Thursday why not
you're leaving on Thursday why not Wednesday night and you can't come back
Wednesday night and you can't come back on Monday that's still a holiday and you
on Monday that's still a holiday and you can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody
can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart
comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart everybody and you come back on Wednesday
everybody and you come back on Wednesday so now you're leaving on Wednesday and
so now you're leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a
coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a one-day holiday is now a
one-day holiday is now a [Music]
[Music] week well I guess I'll call it a
week well I guess I'll call it a day this Secretary's Day show your
day this Secretary's Day show your assistant how valuable he is by ordering
assistant how valuable he is by ordering him to buy flowers for himself at
him to buy flowers for himself at honeybee Florest and don't forget
honeybee Florest and don't forget tomorrow the entire city will be closed
tomorrow the entire city will be closed down for the prism awareness
down for the prism awareness parade I'm being holidayed to death I
parade I'm being holidayed to death I can't work I can't listen to music I
can't work I can't listen to music I can't use the highway a regularly
can't use the highway a regularly scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a
scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a [ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr
[ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr Lorna went on holiday without telling
Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone in her place we bring you the
anyone in her place we bring you the Senate subcommittee hearings on oh
Senate subcommittee hearings on oh something I uh yield my time to the uh
something I uh yield my time to the uh distinguished senator from one of those
distinguished senator from one of those states that uh don't deserve roads in
states that uh don't deserve roads in schools now M Dev what I he here y'all
schools now M Dev what I he here y'all a
a b now that's okay I don't know if the
b now that's okay I don't know if the rest of you heard it but I think he just
rest of you heard it but I think he just confessed to being a
confessed to being a communist I'm not
communist I'm not aun I yield the Senator's time to myself
aun I yield the Senator's time to myself you can't do that it's against the rules
you can't do that it's against the rules all in favor of changing the rules and
all in favor of changing the rules and just maybe getting a huge soft money
just maybe getting a huge soft money campaign contribution in return say
I that's better now I'd like you all to sign a bill
now I'd like you all to sign a bill making dog bird Day a national holiday
making dog bird Day a national holiday and canceling all other holidays I
and canceling all other holidays I thought you said you were a lobbyist for
thought you said you were a lobbyist for the association of beer drinking
the association of beer drinking Dynamite users now that I support I
Dynamite users now that I support I don't know about this holiday thing it's
don't know about this holiday thing it's a package deal I added the dog birthday
a package deal I added the dog birthday Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and
Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a
dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a match here you go son if this sort of
match here you go son if this sort of thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a
thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a slippery slope thanks I make a motion
slippery slope thanks I make a motion that we vote on the national dog
that we vote on the national dog birthday
[Music] Bill I fail to see how eliminating all
Bill I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays is good for Rhode
the other holidays is good for Rhode Island I for one would miss all the
Island I for one would miss all the fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the
fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk
New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk and depressed and do things I don't
and depressed and do things I don't remember but always regret app propose
remember but always regret app propose an amendment that would add all of the
an amendment that would add all of the holiday traditions to dog bir day dog
holiday traditions to dog bir day dog birt day would have cheap tacky gifts
birt day would have cheap tacky gifts dangerous fireworks visits from
dangerous fireworks visits from unpleasant relatives corny parades bad
unpleasant relatives corny parades bad barbecues you name it that sounds like
barbecues you name it that sounds like it would be complicated and Incredibly
it would be complicated and Incredibly frustrating for everyone I'm all for it
frustrating for everyone I'm all for it you have my full support down with big
you have my full support down with big government all in favor say
I now next on 4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced
4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced Congress to cancel all holidays in favor
Congress to cancel all holidays in favor of one holiday dogbert day well also
of one holiday dogbert day well also hear from his critics dogbert in your
hear from his critics dogbert in your own words what motivated you to create
own words what motivated you to create dog birthday I think it stems from my
dog birthday I think it stems from my religious belief that everyone exists
religious belief that everyone exists for the sole Purp purp of entertaining
for the sole Purp purp of entertaining me dog B you little devil I hope you rot
me dog B you little devil I hope you rot in hell you put us all out of business
in hell you put us all out of business there's a perfect example there ain't no
there's a perfect example there ain't no pot of go at the end of your Rainbow
pot of go at the end of your Rainbow there's a pot of crap you've ruined me
there's a pot of crap you've ruined me I've got a whole Workshop full of
I've got a whole Workshop full of starving reindeer and I don't know where
starving reindeer and I don't know where half of my elves have
half of my elves have gone
gone no where am I going to get work now I'm
no where am I going to get work now I'm a specialist
no gross up yours Cupid get that back lay off cotton
back lay off cotton [Music]
[Music] ass who I haven't got a pot
to it's always a bit tense around the dog birthday holiday
dog birthday holiday [Music]
[Music] dogbert day's always been my favorite
dogbert day's always been my favorite holiday well the Virgin sacrific the
holiday well the Virgin sacrific the senseless Slaughter of endangered
senseless Slaughter of endangered species oh I remember you know when I
species oh I remember you know when I was a child the first time my dad gave
was a child the first time my dad gave me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge
me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge into the heart of the young virgin her
into the heart of the young virgin her name was June I think at one time we had
name was June I think at one time we had talked of marriage but when she was dead
talked of marriage but when she was dead we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny
we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny how life works out uh just a minor point
how life works out uh just a minor point of clarification dog bird day is a brand
of clarification dog bird day is a brand new holiday it's never been celebrated
new holiday it's never been celebrated before well Christmas had its Scrooge
before well Christmas had its Scrooge and now dog birth day has its Dilbert
and now dog birth day has its Dilbert got to go got to do my dog birthday
got to go got to do my dog birthday shopping oh you'll never guess what I
shopping oh you'll never guess what I got you never go ahead guess I don't
got you never go ahead guess I don't know I'll give you a hint it's made of
know I'll give you a hint it's made of paper and it tells a story I don't know
paper and it tells a story I don't know a book well I hope hope you're happy
a book well I hope hope you're happy you've ruined your own
you've ruined your own [Music]
[Music] surprise and what would you like for dog
surprise and what would you like for dog birt day little lady you're not dog birt
birt day little lady you're not dog birt no but I'm one of his many bitter and
no but I'm one of his many bitter and underpaid helpers what you tell me what
underpaid helpers what you tell me what you want and I'll make sure you get it
you want and I'll make sure you get it just give me your address and leave the
just give me your address and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight help
door to your house unlocked tonight help no
hey no cutting in line I'm not cutting in line I was here you were supposed to
in line I was here you were supposed to save my place I don't know you oh thanks
save my place I don't know you oh thanks do you mind if I stand behind you sure
do you mind if I stand behind you sure hey no cutting in line it's okay he said
hey no cutting in line it's okay he said I could stand behind him he can't give
I could stand behind him he can't give permission to stand behind him in fact
permission to stand behind him in fact the case law is very ambiguous about
the case law is very ambiguous about people you let in front of you well calm
people you let in front of you well calm down fella where is your dog bird Spirit
down fella where is your dog bird Spirit good question maybe I'll call the
good question maybe I'll call the manager what manager there's no manager
manager what manager there's no manager people always think there's a manager
people always think there's a manager some magic manager who's going to put
some magic manager who's going to put things right well there's
Noto hey what no cutting in line I was here how could you be here I was here I
here how could you be here I was here I don't think so was he here I don't know
don't think so was he here I don't know well it looks like it's your word
well it looks like it's your word against his I am not not letting this
against his I am not not letting this happen H you lost your place I didn't I
happen H you lost your place I didn't I back of the line buddy hey don't forget
back of the line buddy hey don't forget your gift
[Music] I'm blind I can't see a
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] are you getting
out you know I think this is the best dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered
dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered hey just a little trivia did you know
hey just a little trivia did you know that those huge balloons are filled with
that those huge balloons are filled with balls of wood well I thought it was
balls of wood well I thought it was helium well aren't you a piece of
helium well aren't you a piece of [Laughter]
[Laughter] wood Alice can you pick up the pace I
wood Alice can you pick up the pace I want people to see what I look like with
want people to see what I look like with my ears blown
my ears blown [Music]
[Music] back that is excellent potato salad I
back that is excellent potato salad I have never had better it's the dill
have never had better it's the dill pickles do not leave here without giving
pickles do not leave here without giving me that recipe es shook can I ask you a
me that recipe es shook can I ask you a question ask away I am on vacation and
question ask away I am on vacation and have all the time in the world what I'm
have all the time in the world what I'm wondering is how can you be so happy why
wondering is how can you be so happy why wouldn't I be happy well you're an
wouldn't I be happy well you're an intern who earns so little you have to
intern who earns so little you have to take your vacation in the restaur room
take your vacation in the restaur room that is true and no one gives you any
that is true and no one gives you any respect whatsoever wh you got me again
respect whatsoever wh you got me again and your family is in India you have to
and your family is in India you have to spend the dog bird Day holiday without
spend the dog bird Day holiday without them not that they're missing much it's
them not that they're missing much it's the most meaningless holiday ever
the most meaningless holiday ever invented what time is it my friend it's
invented what time is it my friend it's 4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at
4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at my parents home in India they will be
my parents home in India they will be Awakening soon in a few minutes as they
Awakening soon in a few minutes as they have every day since I was born they
have every day since I was born they will wake up and think of me I will be
will wake up and think of me I will be in their thoughts all day the do you
in their thoughts all day the do you think of them all day too no I am often
think of them all day too no I am often caught up in the hustle and bustle of
caught up in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder
cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder sometimes I need a dog
sometimes I need a dog [Music]
birthday we're stuck now nothing to do but
but wait ramming speed
wait ramming speed [Applause]
well it's not my fault I'm just a [Music]
[Music] drummer it appears that dog bird's float
drummer it appears that dog bird's float is attacking the smaller crippled float
is attacking the smaller crippled float and dog bird has never looked finer his
and dog bird has never looked finer his cape and Crown were designed by elephant
cape and Crown were designed by elephant ooh I didn't think you'd have time to
ooh I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today I wouldn't forget my own
stop by today I wouldn't forget my own mother on dog birthday the dogbert float
mother on dog birthday the dogbert float has now crushed float from the PTA the Z
has now crushed float from the PTA the Z deie French Club and the senior citizen
deie French Club and the senior citizen Republican party but I think we'd all
Republican party but I think we'd all agree that dogbert does look better with
agree that dogbert does look better with his ears blown back by the wind like
his ears blown back by the wind like that you know I hate all the stuff
that you know I hate all the stuff leading up to the holidays but I do like
leading up to the holidays but I do like the holidays themselves it gets a little
the holidays themselves it gets a little hectic in a little commercial on the
hectic in a little commercial on the surface and underneath that it's all
surface and underneath that it's all Hollow and meaningless too but
Hollow and meaningless too but underneath that yes underneath all the
underneath that yes underneath all the layers of holess and crassness and
layers of holess and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism underneath
vulgarity and commercialism underneath all that there is a warmth and a spirit
all that there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season you're
to the holiday season you're [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] it's so
it's so cold you know this is the best dog bird
cold you know this is the best dog bird day
day [Music]
ever they say the trick is to marinate it overnight that's what gives it the
flavor did you marinate this no I just slapped it with a spatula till it stop
slapped it with a spatula till it stop trying to get away that's my own little
trying to get away that's my own little trick you won't see that in any fancy
trick you won't see that in any fancy cookbook at least I think you won't I
cookbook at least I think you won't I haven't actually checked
haven't actually checked [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
push the button and see how a giant meteor caused the extinction of the
meteor caused the extinction of the dinosaurs
H until this moment I had trouble visualizing
it if aliens help build the pyramids where are they now did they just
leave H you know what they say history is written by the
winners let me out of this damn thing please someone push the button to
please someone push the button to simulate the storm that brought Amelia
simulate the storm that brought Amelia aart plane
down no not again oh God make it stop it looks very realistic you don't think
looks very realistic you don't think that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I
that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I think the museum found her on an island
think the museum found her on an island and put her in this exhibit same thing
and put her in this exhibit same thing happened to King Kong it's not that
happened to King Kong it's not that unusual come on all
right stop above you are the billions of stars that make up our universe or so we
stars that make up our universe or so we used to think we now know those lights
used to think we now know those lights are an armada of alien ships coming to
are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the Earth are there any
destroy the Earth are there any questions yeah what's a black hole well
questions yeah what's a black hole well my career would be one example any other
my career would be one example any other questions better not ask him anything
questions better not ask him anything about Uranus I think I've seen enough
about Uranus I think I've seen enough there's only so much learning you can
there's only so much learning you can pack into one day
un bounded little dog somebody help me for Mercy's sake
for Mercy's sake [Laughter]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
he [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] can I ask you a question that's why I'm
can I ask you a question that's why I'm here why don't I ever see any other
here why don't I ever see any other garbage men in this city it's always you
garbage men in this city it's always you I like to work alone that's impossible
I like to work alone that's impossible one garbage man cannot handle the whole
one garbage man cannot handle the whole city I have shortcuts shortcuts what
city I have shortcuts shortcuts what possible shortcuts would let one person
possible shortcuts would let one person handle the
whole well maybe we'll pick this conversation up
conversation up [Music]
[Music] later so tell me more about the many
later so tell me more about the many many ways in which the Stunt Master
many ways in which the Stunt Master 6 can give me the workout of a lifetime
keep rolling keep rolling
rolling uh-huh four easy payments of money will
uh-huh four easy payments of money will order yours today I'm losing
order yours today I'm losing Consciousness and yet I'm still
[Music] aroused input people input but remember
aroused input people input but remember it's already in the can and we can't
it's already in the can and we can't change it if I may use a sports analogy
change it if I may use a sports analogy you really hit the goal poost on that
you really hit the goal poost on that one yes I guess I did I watched it only
one yes I guess I did I watched it only once and already I want to date that
once and already I want to date that model and suffer a head trauma why thank
model and suffer a head trauma why thank you loud Howard you humble me I've said
you loud Howard you humble me I've said it before and I'll say it
it before and I'll say it again what that's as far as I ever get
again what that's as far as I ever get Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall
Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep
I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say or yes you could
respect and dare I say or yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now
interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we
but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the
getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the
infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the grunt Master 6000
new version of the grunt Master 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to
we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field
a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only
testing that's impossible there's only one version of the new grunt master in
one version of the new grunt master in existence and it's sitting in my Design
Lab that thing's not ready for human testing we haven't even lab tested the
testing we haven't even lab tested the technology oh calm down we'll do that
technology oh calm down we'll do that after the graviton generator alone is
after the graviton generator alone is very sensitive the graviton generator
very sensitive the graviton generator alone is very sensitive quit your
alone is very sensitive quit your whining
whining Missy I mean what's the worst thing that
Missy I mean what's the worst thing that could happen if anyone were foolish
could happen if anyone were foolish enough to build a graviton generator it
enough to build a graviton generator it would surely create a black hole that
would surely create a black hole that would annihilate the entire solar system
would annihilate the entire solar system well I don't know what's the worst thing
well I don't know what's the worst thing that could happen but when you start
that could happen but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time
distorting the fabric of space and time stretching and enfolding upon itself
nice try but I don't think you Bor him quite to death excellent nice going was
quite to death excellent nice going was good camp Town lady sing this song doah
good camp Town lady sing this song doah doah what are you waiting for lady start
doah what are you waiting for lady start singing Carol said since he hit his head
singing Carol said since he hit his head he's been talking in his sleep come on
he's been talking in his sleep come on let's get out of here before he wakes up
let's get out of here before he wakes up wait let's just hear what he says
wait let's just hear what he says next
next boom cooked by explosion when you walk
boom cooked by explosion when you walk through a storm hold your head up high
through a storm hold your head up high then you'll trip and fall on your ass in
then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the
the mud is that
mud is that smoke Wally what are you doing well I
smoke Wally what are you doing well I wanted to make some popcorn but somebody
wanted to make some popcorn but somebody was using the microwave and the printer
was using the microwave and the printer has that heater thing and it that makes
has that heater thing and it that makes the paper
warm cooked by explosion didn't the boss say that yeah but he was just babbling
say that yeah but he was just babbling or was he what are you saying that he
or was he what are you saying that he predicted did this would happen I don't
predicted did this would happen I don't know am I predicting the future is
know am I predicting the future is impossible is it yes it violates
impossible is it yes it violates causality there is no way to know
causality there is no way to know something will occur until it occurs or
something will occur until it occurs or is there if you don't stop asking
is there if you don't stop asking rhetorical questions I'm going to kill
rhetorical questions I'm going to kill you are
you are you on the other hand it'd be a pretty
you on the other hand it'd be a pretty big coincidence if the boss just
big coincidence if the boss just happened to mention an explosion right
happened to mention an explosion right before it
before it happened Alice I think he's
dead oh man I was in the tunnel I neglected to mention the one glitch with
neglected to mention the one glitch with the
the infomercial we have to do it all over I
infomercial we have to do it all over I had to fire the babe why depends whose
had to fire the babe why depends whose story you believe mine or the truth I
story you believe mine or the truth I feel like I've seen this popcorn before
feel like I've seen this popcorn before this might be a case of deja
food I can't believe it I can't believe they sent the grunt Master out to some
they sent the grunt Master out to some defenseless family for testing do you
defenseless family for testing do you realize the potential for disaster do
realize the potential for disaster do you
you realiz the mute button only works on the
realiz the mute button only works on the TV it was worth a shot we didn't even
TV it was worth a shot we didn't even have the instruction manual written yet
have the instruction manual written yet that graviton generator is a bit
that graviton generator is a bit unpredictable I only hope and pray they
unpredictable I only hope and pray they found a smart family to test that thing
found a smart family to test that thing otherwise we may be in grave
otherwise we may be in grave [Music]
[Music] trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you
trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you ain't getting another one that ain't no
ain't getting another one that ain't no Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks
Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks like a raccoon because of the tire
like a raccoon because of the tire marks I believe there's been some
marks I believe there's been some mistake I forgive you all and now I must
mistake I forgive you all and now I must bid you all
bid you all Ado you better hurry up and run them
Ado you better hurry up and run them over again are you sassing me young I
over again are you sassing me young I got half of mine you say you got half of
got half of mine you say you got half of mine you mind your manners Lucas or the
mine you mind your manners Lucas or the baby Jesus will come down here right now
baby Jesus will come down here right now and beat the living out of y'all well I
and beat the living out of y'all well I T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on
T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on I'll bring them on you little whipper
I'll bring them on you little whipper snapper hell do you wher he won't
snapper hell do you wher he won't neither
[Applause] [Music]
morons I told you this was stop and this was keep going
pardon me boy is that the Chattanooga Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track
Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track 29 thank you very much Dilbert this is
29 thank you very much Dilbert this is stupid he's been talking nonsense for
stupid he's been talking nonsense for years and no one thought he was psychic
years and no one thought he was psychic before the only difference now is he has
before the only difference now is he has his eyes closed squidders patch teos the
his eyes closed squidders patch teos the darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in
darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in space in time the void the abys from
space in time the void the abys from which no light escapes from which No
which no light escapes from which No Life
Life Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for
Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little
me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's
bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's filled with plenty of
filled with plenty of booze let's see what the skeptic Society
booze let's see what the skeptic Society has to say about
[Music] this I assume this is Alice the woman I
this I assume this is Alice the woman I met at the skeptic Society dinner how
met at the skeptic Society dinner how did you you do that that's
did you you do that that's incredible a magician never gives away
incredible a magician never gives away his secret well the reason I called is
his secret well the reason I called is because you want me to debunk your
because you want me to debunk your boss's alleged psychic claims wow at
boss's alleged psychic claims wow at least tell me how you did that one wish
least tell me how you did that one wish I could all right so when can you get
I could all right so when can you get [Music]
[Music] here are you telling me that was a trick
here are you telling me that was a trick too yes Alice a good magician can
too yes Alice a good magician can duplicate any trick done by a so-called
duplicate any trick done by a so-called psychic or Mentalist for example watch
this down [Music]
[Music] Downs Lucas if you break it the baby
Downs Lucas if you break it the baby Jesus will take you to hell and burn you
Jesus will take you to hell and burn you like a pork chop for
eternity what the I ain't never see Loy that don't look
right you've just been listening to a song I was on the phone so I have no
song I was on the phone so I have no idea what it was now the news we take
idea what it was now the news we take you to our sister station K that's all
you to our sister station K that's all we could think of squidders patch
Texas oh my God my worst fear has come true you mean a pregnant spider crawled
true you mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose while you were sleeping and
up your nose while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head okay my second
laid eggs in your head okay my second worst fear that you'll destroy the world
worst fear that you'll destroy the world with one of your inventions yes dogbert
with one of your inventions yes dogbert we've got to go to squiders patch
we've got to go to squiders patch [Music]
immediately I Dream of Genie with the light yellow
Dream of Genie with the light yellow hair floating
hair floating like a vapor in the soft summer
like a vapor in the soft summer air whoa that's no
air whoa that's no Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought
Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy
into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy everyone is bald and poorly dressed and
everyone is bald and poorly dressed and if you hadn't noticed no one is doing
if you hadn't noticed no one is doing anything that looks like work it's
anything that looks like work it's Utopia not for long I brought a world
Utopia not for long I brought a world famous skeptic to debunk that fraud
famous skeptic to debunk that fraud Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please
Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please call me
call me the I don't do that forget the chit
the I don't do that forget the chit check get to work
check get to work people I am the amazing Rudolph and I
people I am the amazing Rudolph and I will show you how easily a skilled
will show you how easily a skilled magician can reproduce any of these
magician can reproduce any of these so-called psychic
tricks whoops he's a witch no just a skilled Illusionist that is my point if
skilled Illusionist that is my point if you're just an Illusionist tell us how
you're just an Illusionist tell us how you made the bird appear a magician
you made the bird appear a magician never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by
never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by The Magician's Code of Ethics well
The Magician's Code of Ethics well that's awfully convenient isn't it that
that's awfully convenient isn't it that sounds like something a witch would say
sounds like something a witch would say kill the
kill the witch she was the daughter of Rosie
witch she was the daughter of Rosie Grady a regular old fashion girl with
Grady a regular old fashion girl with one important distinction listen he
one important distinction listen he wants us to go to Texas and throw the
wants us to go to Texas and throw the witch in the black
witch in the black hole he didn't say that I know but I've
hole he didn't say that I know but I've always wanted to go to
Texas people I can't give away my Trade Secrets but perhaps I can give you a
hint all right I'll tell you I'll tell you everything nah forget it now we'd
you everything nah forget it now we'd rather throw you in the hole come on I
rather throw you in the hole come on I ain't got all day
ain't got all day [Music]
that's a good sign I heard you can tell a place is okay if the truckers eat
there I guess excuse me just ain't going to cut it
no so what can I get you fellas to swallow could we see a menu this ain't
swallow could we see a menu this ain't Paris boy okay give us two of whatever
Paris boy okay give us two of whatever you've touched the least two soaps make
you've touched the least two soaps make that
that one hey what's happening to my cup hey
one hey what's happening to my cup hey what
the hey Eustace what's making everything all stretchy I ain't paying for this
all stretchy I ain't paying for this here
here gas I'd say squidders patch is that
[Music] way I'll meet you at the black hole I
way I'll meet you at the black hole I think we need some
help professor St Hawking please sign here if you
would thank you send up Professor Hawking straight away here he
Hawking straight away here he comes here you are one Nobel prize
comes here you are one Nobel prize winning lucasi and professor of
winning lucasi and professor of mathematics expert on all astrophysical
mathematics expert on all astrophysical phenomena and black hoes in particular
phenomena and black hoes in particular hello dog bird hey Steve will there be
hello dog bird hey Steve will there be anything else how do I move him around
anything else how do I move him around oh terribly sorry just use this
oh terribly sorry just use this [Music]
I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions about the black
scientific questions about the black hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever
hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever had sexual relations near a black hole
had sexual relations near a black hole not that I know of then you don't deny
not that I know of then you don't deny that someone famous has had sexual
that someone famous has had sexual relations near a black
relations near a black hole does anyone have a question about
hole does anyone have a question about the
the science there's nothing here
science there's nothing here [Music]
wow you're Steven Hawking I read your book did you buy it or read it in the
book did you buy it or read it in the library I think I borrowed it you gep
library I think I borrowed it you gep bastard boys please can we focus on this
bastard boys please can we focus on this black hole problem there is no rush as
black hole problem there is no rush as long as nothing disturbs The Singularity
long as nothing disturbs The Singularity the hole will grow
the hole will grow very
very [Music]
slowly where's rude come on Wall-E dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in
with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons come on
alive check that Wally
that Wally Wally is gone don't thank me thank the
Wally is gone don't thank me thank the black
black hole someone must go into the
hole someone must go into the singularity and stop whatever caused the
singularity and stop whatever caused the black hole in the first place it's a
black hole in the first place it's a simple case of Wormhole travel using a
simple case of Wormhole travel using a shortcut in
shortcut in SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a
SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a few things but he was my friend it's all
few things but he was my friend it's all my fault I caused this to happen I'm
my fault I caused this to happen I'm going in after him
me just let me get my breath this is a big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond
big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond belief one small step
for jilbert you seem strangely silent shall
jilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep
I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say Awe yes you could
respect and dare I say Awe yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now
interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we
but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the
getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the
infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the gruntmaster 6000
new version of the gruntmaster 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to
we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field
a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only
testing that's impossible there's only one it's in my would you excuse me
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] yes the doors locked oh well in that
case CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky
CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky a had no loving since see January 30th
a had no loving since see January 30th 1955
1955 [Music]
[Music] huh and the farmer's daughter says I see
huh and the farmer's daughter says I see you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing
you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing is it garbage day again it's always
is it garbage day again it's always garbage day
garbage day somewhere Professor Hawking what are you
somewhere Professor Hawking what are you doing here isn't this several thousand
doing here isn't this several thousand miles out of your way actually it's a
miles out of your way actually it's a shortcut a shortcut my street is a
shortcut a shortcut my street is a shortcut to England yes will Somebody
shortcut to England yes will Somebody explain to me what's going on no
explain to me what's going on no no hey I've got a copy of your book in
no hey I've got a copy of your book in my trunk would you mind signing it I
my trunk would you mind signing it I already signed it no you didn't it's
already signed it no you didn't it's locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I
locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I already signed
already signed it you're on
it you're on [Music]
the joke's on him he'll never be able to collect the five
you didn't really think you'd win a bet with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian
with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian professor of mathematics at least I
professor of mathematics at least I didn't pay for his stupid book
didn't pay for his stupid book [Music]
get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day get out of bed
and assimilate the day get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate
resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day I wonder if I could ever date a
the day I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal
woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal okay that's enough out of you do not
okay that's enough out of you do not touch me then how do I turn you off
touch me then how do I turn you off believe me I am plenty turned off right
believe me I am plenty turned off right now clock
teas dogbert why are you trying to kill the mailman I'm just seeing how much he
the mailman I'm just seeing how much he can carry he's up to seven times his own
can carry he's up to seven times his own weight
neither rain nor sleep nor the hell with that
ow I'd put an end to this cruel game except we're saving a fortune on heating
except we're saving a fortune on heating bills
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] CH yes
CH yes [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
and what makes these gift catalogs doesn't anything qualify as a gift if
doesn't anything qualify as a gift if you give it to someone I think they mean
you give it to someone I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't in a million
it's stuff you wouldn't in a million years buy for yourself if you wouldn't
years buy for yourself if you wouldn't buy it for yourself then who needs
buy it for yourself then who needs someone to buy it for you it's the
someone to buy it for you it's the thought that counts on that same topic
thought that counts on that same topic it's your mother's birthday next week oh
it's your mother's birthday next week oh no not again so soon it seems like only
no not again so soon it seems like only a year ago I was giving her something
a year ago I was giving her something she hates help I can't swim you're not
she hates help I can't swim you're not going to drown you're just covered with
going to drown you're just covered with cataloges B help by can
cataloges B help by can read why don't you get your mom
read why don't you get your mom something from the mall no oh yes I
something from the mall no oh yes I forgot the Unspeakable event from your
forgot the Unspeakable event from your youth don't you think it's time you got
youth don't you think it's time you got over that I'm sure I can find the
over that I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom without leaving
perfect present for mom without leaving this couch today we'll be featuring our
this couch today we'll be featuring our special line of moon conium gems as
special line of moon conium gems as black and Sy as real moon rocks plus
black and Sy as real moon rocks plus they're guaranteed for three months
they're guaranteed for three months moonium but first the latest in
moonium but first the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment
high-tech surveillance equipment straight from the tattered remains of
straight from the tattered remains of the cash desperate former KGB hand me
the cash desperate former KGB hand me the phone my mother does not want spy
the phone my mother does not want spy gear for her birthday it's not for her
gear for her birthday it's not for her it's to use on her we'll find out
it's to use on her we'll find out exactly what she wants it's wrong but I
exactly what she wants it's wrong but I would like an excuse to buy some spy
would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment this is insane wait Target in
equipment this is insane wait Target in motion she's headed for the
motion she's headed for the [Music]
[Music] den yes officer there's two of them a
den yes officer there's two of them a big one and a small one I don't know
big one and a small one I don't know what they're doing but they've been out
what they're doing but they've been out there for hours I think they might be
there for hours I think they might be aiming some kind of Ray at my
aiming some kind of Ray at my house I suppose they could be terrorists
house I suppose they could be terrorists now that you mention it or maybe our own
now that you mention it or maybe our own people I've written some strong letters
people I've written some strong letters to the FED about monetary policy all
to the FED about monetary policy all right I think we've gathered enough
right I think we've gathered enough intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop
intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot
and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot why should we stop well it would be a
why should we stop well it would be a lot easier for us the targets at the
lot easier for us the targets at the shooting range don't run are you
shooting range don't run are you thinking what I'm thinking that if I get
thinking what I'm thinking that if I get a head start running your body will
a head start running your body will shield me from the spray of
shield me from the spray of bullets hold your fire they're
running a sh could you clean that up I am an engineering intern not a coffee
am an engineering intern not a coffee cleaner uper Alice could you clean up
cleaner uper Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly
the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I
discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have
don't mind see she doesn't have a there you
a there you go why don't you just get your mom a
go why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate no I got her cash last
gift certificate no I got her cash last year she said it was insulting but a
year she said it was insulting but a gift certificate is completely different
gift certificate is completely different from cash no it's not they're both
from cash no it's not they're both pieces of paper you can exchange for
pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services you're missing the
goods and services you're missing the point actually a gift certificate is
point actually a gift certificate is worse than cash because you can only use
worse than cash because you can only use it in one place and it expires at least
it in one place and it expires at least it shows some thought it shows defective
it shows some thought it shows defective thought you're trading perfectly good
thought you're trading perfectly good money for something that does the the
money for something that does the the same thing only not as well oh one other
same thing only not as well oh one other thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go
thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why
to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why don't you just get her something at the
mall Gilbert you okay I'm totally fine what are you
okay I'm totally fine what are you accusing me of everyone's afraid of
accusing me of everyone's afraid of something I don't want to talk about
something I don't want to talk about it well back to
it well back to work you know if we tried to get to the
work you know if we tried to get to the bottom of this it could kill the whole
bottom of this it could kill the whole morning and yet it would look exactly
morning and yet it would look exactly like work to the Casual Observer I'm
like work to the Casual Observer I'm in come on Delbert it's me your old pal
in come on Delbert it's me your old pal what's the point of an office friendship
what's the point of an office friendship if you don't expose each other's
if you don't expose each other's weaknesses and then ridicule them he's
weaknesses and then ridicule them he's right Dilbert all most of us have to get
right Dilbert all most of us have to get us through the day is knowing that we're
us through the day is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else fine
slightly better than somebody else fine fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable
fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable going to the
going to the mall it all happened when I was 5 years
mall it all happened when I was 5 years old my father took me to the the all for
old my father took me to the the all for the first
time daddy I think those machines are calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home
calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home I'll see if there's some sort of
I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit
prescription drug to dull your spirit right now we need to buy your mother a
right now we need to buy your mother a birthday
birthday gift all you can eat all you can eat
gift all you can eat all you can eat we'll see about that
we'll see about that [Music]
daddy what's the matter little boy are you lost where are your parents did they
you lost where are your parents did they leave you all alone no no no no my
leave you all alone no no no no my father's over what does he look like he
father's over what does he look like he he looks big and he's got a a hat and he
he looks big and he's got a a hat and he Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy
again I will take you to the mall Dilbert I will help you find your father
Dilbert I will help you find your father and I will buy some batteries while I'm
and I will buy some batteries while I'm there Wally this is so unlike you why
there Wally this is so unlike you why are you offering the help help me I'm
are you offering the help help me I'm out of
batteries it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in
mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the the other one
market research since the the other one I was going to say other one you boys
I was going to say other one you boys from marketing have done it again you
from marketing have done it again you you're like the
you're like the three guys from marketing who bring us
three guys from marketing who bring us things like this does it get
things like this does it get HBO according to the direction you just
HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it
strap it on some sucker's head and it records his excitement level when
records his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we
exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops
need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a
oh this is so sexist I am not the only person in this room who shops where do
person in this room who shops where do you get the clothes you're wearing I won
you get the clothes you're wearing I won these clothes in a contest yeah I always
these clothes in a contest yeah I always pick up an extra suitcase at the airport
pick up an extra suitcase at the airport luggage carousel we're wearing his hand
luggage carousel we're wearing his hand me downs sometimes I just find stuff
me downs sometimes I just find stuff after I
thing time to see how my stocks are doing hello and welcome to movie phone
doing hello and welcome to movie phone if you know the name of the movie you'd
if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see press one i
like to see press one i b m you have purchased tickets for
b m you have purchased tickets for gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if
gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if this purchase is correct press one i
this purchase is correct press one i b m thank you oh the heck with this this
b m thank you oh the heck with this this thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck
thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck out and catch a
out and catch a flick gruesome Carnage is at the big
flick gruesome Carnage is at the big mall clex I'm
mall clex I'm there I can't believe I finally return
there I can't believe I finally return to the source of all my childhood angst
to the source of all my childhood angst I feel like this is where I'll either
I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons or be destroyed by
them you got any gum ah is that so you don't have to confront your fear this my
don't have to confront your fear this my friend is the latest in virtual reality
friend is the latest in virtual reality parking technology if there's a parking
parking technology if there's a parking space in here I'll find it
space in here I'll find it [Music]
what's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car too
a bunch of packages to their car too risky
risky and there the perfect
and there the perfect spot could somebody hit three
please uh let's see we're here we are aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if
aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if we're not here then where are we and if
we're not here then where are we and if we are here where is here isn't here
we are here where is here isn't here there I would think here is here you
there I would think here is here you would here's there there's
[Music] here this isn't working
here this isn't working I told you we should buy the oxygen not
I told you we should buy the oxygen not just the masks I just can't bring myself
just the masks I just can't bring myself to buy
hey that's the j400 model that's the same one I have that'll cut through a
same one I have that'll cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough
limb like it's a roll of cookie dough once I was giving myself a haircut and a
once I was giving myself a haircut and a darn near severed M you shut
up uh Wall-E I think we're about to be attacked oh don't worry about the
attacked oh don't worry about the natives natives yeah they're the mall
natives natives yeah they're the mall natives they're A Primitive society that
natives they're A Primitive society that live in the mall why do they live in the
live in the mall why do they live in the mall Legend has it they came for the
mall Legend has it they came for the early morning power walks and just
early morning power walks and just stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy
stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy nordstr discount Spencer gift he says
nordstr discount Spencer gift he says you look familiar he does who do I look
you look familiar he does who do I look like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap
like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap Kids W the book
limited limited two Montgomery War limited two Disney Store wetzels
limited two Disney Store wetzels pretzels they say there's a legend of a
pretzels they say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you living at
man who looks a lot like you living at the all not because he can't escape but
the all not because he can't escape but because he likes it here
C do they know where the red oyster is do they know how to get
do they know how to get there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration
there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp
Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp sp they fear the food court great
sp they fear the food court great [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
that's right fear it a $50,000 spending limit in just 7.4%
interest that was a good one I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the
you can't fling that nun into the decorative
decorative Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a
Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a simple matter of aerodynamics you'd
simple matter of aerodynamics you'd never get the distance with the nun but
never get the distance with the nun but you see this next guy with the huge
you see this next guy with the huge pants he'll Glide like a flying
pants he'll Glide like a flying [Music]
[Music] squirrel yo this is totally
squirrel yo this is totally [Music]
spacious do it again do it again all right one
more why are people flying off the escalator and what happened to dog BT
escalator and what happened to dog BT and why do I think those questions are
and why do I think those questions are related we must not concern ourselves
related we must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm now we
with questions beyond our realm now we must focus on the task at
directions excuse me this is all we have as far as you're concerned I'm not here
as far as you're concerned I'm not here to shop I need directions to the red
to shop I need directions to the red oyster restaurant go out that way turn
oyster restaurant go out that way turn left yes turn left and don't come back
thanks Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes this can't be
of purchasing those shoes this can't be right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to
right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to protect my feet not because they look
[Music] pretty shut up
if we go down this Hall leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart
mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart then we can drop a rope swing into
then we can drop a rope swing into Victoria's Secret and set up camp for
Victoria's Secret and set up camp for the
night Daddy
[Music] Daddy Alice Wall-E I shook
what's the matter with him drunk maybe he just seems drunk maybe he's got that
he just seems drunk maybe he's got that disease alcoholism yeah that's
disease alcoholism yeah that's [Music]
eat dad Dilbert is that you yes it's me Dad what are you doing here quite simply
Dad what are you doing here quite simply I'm not done but why continue why not
I'm not done but why continue why not just come home I can't son I know it's
just come home I can't son I know it's hard to understand but it's all you can
hard to understand but it's all you can eat I don't understand why is that so
eat I don't understand why is that so important to you oh in the beginning it
important to you oh in the beginning it was just a challenge man against Buffet
was just a challenge man against Buffet human pitted against an Ever Changing
human pitted against an Ever Changing array of hot and cold dishes but I can't
array of hot and cold dishes but I can't give up now son what would you think of
give up now son what would you think of me then couldn't you call it a draw I
me then couldn't you call it a draw I mean you put up a heck of a fight I
mean you put up a heck of a fight I thought about it but it became more than
thought about it but it became more than a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't
a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a
just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a way of life a commitment and we must
way of life a commitment and we must honor our commitments remember Dilbert
honor our commitments remember Dilbert at the all you can eat buffet the only
at the all you can eat buffet the only obstacle is yourself or an obstructed
obstacle is yourself or an obstructed colon does that mean you won't leave
colon does that mean you won't leave only when I'm finished it's my moral
only when I'm finished it's my moral duty to fill my plate up again and again
duty to fill my plate up again and again and again if you don't fill yourself up
and again if you don't fill yourself up Dilbert then you're empty you see what I
Dilbert then you're empty you see what I mean son I think so son you will never
mean son I think so son you will never find what you seek until you stop
find what you seek until you stop looking for instance for years they
looking for instance for years they stopped serving Jello mold until I
stopped serving Jello mold until I stopped seeking it sure enough there it
stopped seeking it sure enough there it was in three new colors lime raspberry
was in three new colors lime raspberry and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad
and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad good I must go to the buffet now my son
good I must go to the buffet now my son because you're hungry it's like I'm
because you're hungry it's like I'm talking to the
talking to the broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your
broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your mother they have
pie goodbye Dad
okay we can go finally where's the parking stub we
go finally where's the parking stub we need to get it validated I gave it to
need to get it validated I gave it to you no you didn't I gave it to you no
you no you didn't I gave it to you no way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I
way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I never touched that ticket well now we're
never touched that ticket well now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge
going to have to pay the maximum charge we it's your car buddy can't we split it
we it's your car buddy can't we split it sure you two can I will take public
sure you two can I will take public transportation I dare you this is
transportation I dare you this is amazing who buys this kind of crap
[Music] hat let's see oh the husband is the
killer um oh the president and the waitress are the same person what
a o this is a good one it turns out the human scientist is actually working for
human scientist is actually working for the aliens you'd never have guessed
the aliens you'd never have guessed it wait Did you know that popcorn is
it wait Did you know that popcorn is mostly air and it's marked up over
mostly air and it's marked up over 5,000% you're paying for overpriced air
5,000% you're paying for overpriced air wake up
wake up people there he is Chase him down
[Music] oh come on one more oh all
oh come on one more oh all [Music]
[Music] right I bet this is how cir tole got
right I bet this is how cir tole got started mhm
thank you dog bird this is very nice there's only one like it you always get
there's only one like it you always get me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert
me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert got me some unidentified thing with
got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it there's lots more where
saliva on it there's lots more where that came from I'm sure there is dear
that came from I'm sure there is dear thank you and last but not least
thank you and last but not least whatever Dilbert got me a gift
whatever Dilbert got me a gift certificate oh and look it's got a
certificate oh and look it's got a little expiration date right there in
little expiration date right there in the corner you hate it don't you oh I
the corner you hate it don't you oh I love it dear you've traded your money
love it dear you've traded your money for something that's just like money but
for something that's just like money but much more restricted I kind of ran out
much more restricted I kind of ran out of time at the mall you went to the mall
of time at the mall you went to the mall for me well yeah you're terrified of the
for me well yeah you're terrified of the mall
mall yeah oh and there's this oh my
hi well at least he looks well fed that he is did he say anything Dilbert did he
he is did he say anything Dilbert did he say anything he
say anything he said there's pie
said there's pie [Music]
that that was even more fascinating than last week could we go someplace else
last week could we go someplace else next time Mom any place please there's
next time Mom any place please there's so much more to see we practically ran
so much more to see we practically ran through the exhibit of giraffe neck
through the exhibit of giraffe neck babies those babies are so fake oh
babies those babies are so fake oh they're real that's not the sort of
they're real that's not the sort of thing they'd lie about that's exactly
thing they'd lie about that's exactly the sort of thing they'd lie about back
the sort of thing they'd lie about back me up on this dog BT oh they're
real how did you get so distrustful well I'm just guessing but
distrustful well I'm just guessing but maybe it was because you lied to me
maybe it was because you lied to me about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to
about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to me about the Easter Bunny then you lied
me about the Easter Bunny then you lied to me about Santa Claus then you lied to
to me about Santa Claus then you lied to me about the storf bringing babies he
me about the storf bringing babies he knows about the stor my fault I let him
knows about the stor my fault I let him watch the nature Channel he put two and
watch the nature Channel he put two and two together now I don't believe
two together now I don't believe anything I'm told unless there's proof
anything I'm told unless there's proof this paper weight is an exact replica of
this paper weight is an exact replica of the largest fibroid tumor ever removed
the largest fibroid tumor ever removed from a human uterus that's ridiculous
from a human uterus that's ridiculous how do they know it's the biggest one
how do they know it's the biggest one there's an annual Festival in
Monteray get the turbo Supreme the commercial says it whitens your teeth
commercial says it whitens your teeth while you drive that's ridiculous but
while you drive that's ridiculous but I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just
I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just to prove you
wrong you have to believe in some things without proof Dilbert otherwise life
without proof Dilbert otherwise life will appear meaningless maybe life is
will appear meaningless maybe life is meaningless did you ever think of that
meaningless did you ever think of that that one is getting lighter
that one is getting lighter already dogberg could you go inside and
already dogberg could you go inside and take care of our
take care of our [Music]
[Music] bill do you ever feel bloated after
bill do you ever feel bloated after eating a big meal yes I do how' you know
eating a big meal yes I do how' you know that I'm a surgeon your problem is
that I'm a surgeon your problem is caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your
caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your uterus I can remove it if you have a
uterus I can remove it if you have a health plan I don't have a health
health plan I don't have a health plan can I pay you with gas ah all right
plan can I pay you with gas ah all right I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa
I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa and one thing I left in the
car I'll always remember the day that little surgeon saved my life I'm telling
little surgeon saved my life I'm telling you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes
you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes while you pump gas my daddy always
while you pump gas my daddy always pumped gas this way and he's still alive
pumped gas this way and he's still alive or at least it looks that way when the
or at least it looks that way when the wind catches his rocking chair just
wind catches his rocking chair just right you can open your eyes now that
right you can open your eyes now that didn't even Hur I'll have to send this
didn't even Hur I'll have to send this to the
to the lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme
lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
oh my God Dilbert can you hear me can you do something for him little surgeon
you do something for him little surgeon no I use the last of the plastic forks
no I use the last of the plastic forks when I operated on you whatever happens
when I operated on you whatever happens is on your conscience now wake up
is on your conscience now wake up filbert wake up can you hear me
I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading
about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife
more he's dead Dilbert is dead are you sure here
yes hey I don't know what kind of manners
hey I don't know what kind of manners they have in the afterlife funny boy but
they have in the afterlife funny boy but on Earth you watch your hands am I
alive actually you're down a court you're a miracle worker little surgeon
you're a miracle worker little surgeon you got that right dear now that you're
you got that right dear now that you're alive again I need to ask you one very
alive again I need to ask you one very important question yes Mom are my teeth
important question yes Mom are my teeth any
whiter and then I traveled back down the tunnel and woke up at the gas station
tunnel and woke up at the gas station are you telling me the afterlife is a
are you telling me the afterlife is a stinking cubicle I'm just telling you
stinking cubicle I'm just telling you what I saw how fast was the internet
what I saw how fast was the internet connection I don't know if it had an
connection I don't know if it had an internet connection well this raises
internet connection well this raises many troubling questions about the
many troubling questions about the afterlife first how do you get your
afterlife first how do you get your softare were
softare were upgraded I guess it was just the one
upgraded I guess it was just the one question so technically you were dead I
question so technically you were dead I think so no more employee benefits for
think so no more employee benefits for you my dead friend but I came back to
you my dead friend but I came back to life rules or rules can't change me try
life rules or rules can't change me try to look at the big picture happy
to look at the big picture happy birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody
birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody eat cake and see if your morale goes up
eat cake and see if your morale goes up yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries
yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries have to watch the phones oh sure I can
have to watch the phones oh sure I can buy the cake and I can buy the gift but
buy the cake and I can buy the gift but the world would end if I let one phone
the world would end if I let one phone call go to voicemail sometimes I call
call go to voicemail sometimes I call her my
boss that usually gets a laugh did anyone bring the birthday kit got
it do we get any cake Howard whose birthday is it yours does anyone care
birthday is it yours does anyone care that I was dead yesterday can you let
that I was dead yesterday can you let someone else be in the spotlight for one
someone else be in the spotlight for one second We Can't Stop a birthday
second We Can't Stop a birthday celebration every time you
celebration every time you die uh unwrap my present I'm a little
die uh unwrap my present I'm a little busy I am
busy I am honored oh it is a round thing you throw
honored oh it is a round thing you throw through the air for no apparent
reason H I'll take the picture so there's no photographic evidence that I
there's no photographic evidence that I ever associated with any of
you w-e
napkin where have I seen this before before we get back to work I want
before before we get back to work I want to remind everyone that all employees
to remind everyone that all employees must be present at the launch site when
must be present at the launch site when our new deep space exploration rocket
our new deep space exploration rocket goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we
goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we can't get there in 5 minutes no
exceptions except you Dilbert I want you to visit our director of Human Resources
to visit our director of Human Resources Mr
catbert let me out please I'll never Rob another convenience store again I'm
another convenience store again I'm Scared
Straight oh God how would you feel about making this
God how would you feel about making this an unmanned probe uh that's what it's
an unmanned probe uh that's what it's supposed to be there's still time to put
supposed to be there's still time to put a monkey in there I hate
a monkey in there I hate monkeys no all we want on board is the
monkeys no all we want on board is the capsule full of Earth artifacts in case
capsule full of Earth artifacts in case the rocket is discovered by an alien
the rocket is discovered by an alien civilization a capsule you say the
civilization a capsule you say the capsule is on board isn't
capsule is on board isn't it would you excuse me for a
it would you excuse me for a moment I need someone to volunteer for a
moment I need someone to volunteer for a suicide mission now you'll need to run
suicide mission now you'll need to run toward the launch site and fling this
toward the launch site and fling this birthday kit through the open window of
birthday kit through the open window of the rocket module then turn and be cons
the rocket module then turn and be cons assumed by the launch Flames while
assumed by the launch Flames while trying to get back oh nature was calling
trying to get back oh nature was calling me did I miss anything
me did I miss anything important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can
important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can succeed in this assignment I will be
succeed in this assignment I will be remembered and rewarded for the rest of
remembered and rewarded for the rest of my
my [Music]
[Music] career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1
career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1 stupid
stupid bird anyone know what kind that
is and remember any friend who won't join your downline Salesforce is no
join your downline Salesforce is no friend of
yours gullible sheep I could tell them anything right now if you believe you
anything right now if you believe you can get rich with multi-level marketing
can get rich with multi-level marketing slap yourself in the face real
slap yourself in the face real hard every time I still can't believe
it so you admit you were dead yes but very briefly that's no reason to cancel
very briefly that's no reason to cancel my employee benefits well at the risk of
my employee benefits well at the risk of sounding sadistic and uncaring our
sounding sadistic and uncaring our policy is to discontinue benefits at
policy is to discontinue benefits at death that only applies to people who
death that only applies to people who stay dead I was only dead for a minute
stay dead I was only dead for a minute if I granted this exception everyone
if I granted this exception everyone would claim they were coming back to
would claim they were coming back to life later oh do whatever you want it
life later oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just
doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray
die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels
tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud
playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious
well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife
what is your vision of the afterlife well
well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time
actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice
is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him
parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him
what we have for him nothing hey
what oh do you think this was all part of the present presentation he was
of the present presentation he was supposed to give us the new vision
supposed to give us the new vision statement maybe it's inside we're
statement maybe it's inside we're supposed to interpret
it it looks like some sort of holy man look at the
look at the Halo it says to Wall-E on
Halo it says to Wall-E on it this must be a picture of the
it this must be a picture of the Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic
Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic Grail
[Music] it's the shroud of
[Music] Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket
Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket launch was a complete success uh could
launch was a complete success uh could you use the laser pointer I'm not
you use the laser pointer I'm not following
you we're pretty sure the problem was a defect somewhere in this area I'll bet
defect somewhere in this area I'll bet NASA is sorry they hired us to build
NASA is sorry they hired us to build that thing have they asked for their $5
that thing have they asked for their $5 billion back yet more good news on that
billion back yet more good news on that front we also have the contract to
front we also have the contract to provide them with the digital images the
provide them with the digital images the rocket sends back how is that good news
rocket sends back how is that good news well as luck would have it all stars
well as luck would have it all stars look alike tiny dots of light one looks
look alike tiny dots of light one looks just like the next does NASA know the
just like the next does NASA know the rocket went down no and thanks to
rocket went down no and thanks to Dilbert they never will me your job is
Dilbert they never will me your job is to create digital pictures of Uncharted
to create digital pictures of Uncharted star systems and deliver them to NASA
star systems and deliver them to NASA every Tuesday how am I going to do that
every Tuesday how am I going to do that try sending it as an attachment in email
try sending it as an attachment in email it's very efficient don't make them all
it's very efficient don't make them all look the same that's a dead giveaway I
look the same that's a dead giveaway I am not going to lie for this company
am not going to lie for this company it's morally indefensible why are you
it's morally indefensible why are you afraid you'll die and go to a
cubicle it was isn't that funny but I like to laugh you've seen your afterlife
like to laugh you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no
Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and
rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming other people that is so
started harming other people that is so wrong although I don't know
wrong although I don't know why oh and do something about these
why oh and do something about these protesters they call themselves The
protesters they call themselves The wallyes they have some gripe about space
wallyes they have some gripe about space exploration walit I like the
exploration walit I like the name w
name w is the way W is the way okay settle down
is the way W is the way okay settle down who can tell me why you're opposed to
who can tell me why you're opposed to space exploration it is heresy the book
space exploration it is heresy the book of Wall-E says nothing about going to
of Wall-E says nothing about going to the Stars there's a book of
the Stars there's a book of WALL-E that's it that's the whole book
WALL-E that's it that's the whole book of Wall-E it can be interpreted many
of Wall-E it can be interpreted many ways it doesn't say we should go to the
ways it doesn't say we should go to the Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we
Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate
will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate the to break it to you but your entire
the to break it to you but your entire belief system is based on a myth do you
belief system is based on a myth do you have something better you'll find us
have something better you'll find us very flexible I'm not fond of the
very flexible I'm not fond of the outfits anyway you can believe in
outfits anyway you can believe in science that's real you mean like your
science that's real you mean like your rocket ship yes I mean no that's
rocket ship yes I mean no that's probably a very bad example people only
probably a very bad example people only think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi
think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi nuts liar
[Music] Wall-E what are you doing in the
Wall-E what are you doing in the afterlife haven't you heard after you
afterlife haven't you heard after you die you spend the rest of Eternity with
die you spend the rest of Eternity with me wo wo
wo I know I know you died again and it's getting
old no that looks wrong how about here that's just stupid it doesn't matter
that's just stupid it doesn't matter nothing matters you live your whole life
nothing matters you live your whole life being nice and you still die and go to
being nice and you still die and go to that little cubicle in the sky they say
that little cubicle in the sky they say Only the Good Die Young if it works the
Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of
other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents
evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll
tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil
see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I I have an
evil not evil looks like I I have an opening I don't mean to seem skeptical
opening I don't mean to seem skeptical but these photos look like they were
but these photos look like they were made on a personal computer with a paint
made on a personal computer with a paint program this is where you come in surely
program this is where you come in surely you agree that in a vast Universe with
you agree that in a vast Universe with billions and billions of stars it
billions and billions of stars it probably looks exactly like this from
probably looks exactly like this from some angle well yes but we wanted actual
some angle well yes but we wanted actual pictures from the rocket isn't that a
pictures from the rocket isn't that a little narrow-minded you know this could
little narrow-minded you know this could be the answer to our funding problem can
be the answer to our funding problem can you give us evidence of life on other
you give us evidence of life on other planets are you kid kidding this picture
planets are you kid kidding this picture is teeming with life see this dot it
is teeming with life see this dot it looks exactly like the other dot but
looks exactly like the other dot but smudger what's that proof I can't do it
smudger what's that proof I can't do it all for you Ned you're good at this that
all for you Ned you're good at this that smudges could only be caused by a
smudges could only be caused by a distortion in the electromagnetic
distortion in the electromagnetic spectrum typically inhabited by ham
spectrum typically inhabited by ham radio signals that's it and uh further
radio signals that's it and uh further studies are
studies are [Applause]
[Applause] needed that'll get us funding for the
needed that'll get us funding for the space station we'd like to bid on the
space station we'd like to bid on the space station project too no no forget
space station project too no no forget the bid you got the
job can you tell us anything about how you plan to build the space station all
you plan to build the space station all right fellas I'd better not get into the
right fellas I'd better not get into the technical stuff my Engineers say I tend
technical stuff my Engineers say I tend to shoot from the hip but I can tell you
to shoot from the hip but I can tell you this I'm pretty sure phase one involves
this I'm pretty sure phase one involves building a giant step ladder the rumor
building a giant step ladder the rumor is that you got this 100 billion doll
is that you got this 100 billion doll contract without even bidding my
contract without even bidding my question to you sir is do you think UFOs
question to you sir is do you think UFOs have visited us no but they're on the
have visited us no but they're on the way have you seen this picture
yet after I talked to the Wally ites the next time I died I saw their version of
next time I died I saw their version of the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E
the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E what I want to know is was I really did
what I want to know is was I really did or just hallucinating why don't you ask
or just hallucinating why don't you ask that man we saw on TV the one who can
that man we saw on TV the one who can talk to the spirit world he has an 800
talk to the spirit world he has an 800 number I don't believe in that stuff but
number I don't believe in that stuff but you believe we spend eternity in a
you believe we spend eternity in a cubicle with Wall-E what's his
number hello each call costs $3 per minute I was expecting your call you
minute I was expecting your call you were you want answers don't you yes I do
were you want answers don't you yes I do do you know someone who died in the last
do you know someone who died in the last 50 years named John or Jim or Bill or
50 years named John or Jim or Bill or Tom yes I thought so
Tom yes I thought so he has a message for you from the other
he has a message for you from the other side which one John or Jim or Bill or
side which one John or Jim or Bill or Tom he says you like to do things with
Tom he says you like to do things with your hands typing or cooking or
your hands typing or cooking or gardening is that correct I type on the
gardening is that correct I type on the computer I have to admit he's good he
computer I have to admit he's good he says you get great pleasure from this
says you get great pleasure from this typing or cooking or gardening I do but
typing or cooking or gardening I do but I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music
I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music and food is that right forget about that
and food is that right forget about that I want to know if the afterlife is
I want to know if the afterlife is nothing but a cubicle he said says to be
nothing but a cubicle he said says to be careful with your back or Vision or
careful with your back or Vision or lungs or weight I feel fine all I want
lungs or weight I feel fine all I want to know is so what are you
to know is so what are you wearing I've never been a Supreme Being
wearing I've never been a Supreme Being before but I'm willing to give it a try
before but I'm willing to give it a try your humility inspires us please teach
your humility inspires us please teach us everything you know maybe you could
us everything you know maybe you could ask me specific questions what is your
ask me specific questions what is your favorite cheese uh you know the one with
favorite cheese uh you know the one with the holes in it swis right not that one
the holes in it swis right not that one oh
oh can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no
can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no it leads to
promiscuity and no humming to yourself when you're alone I hate
when you're alone I hate [Music]
[Music] that my faith is being tested and if you
that my faith is being tested and if you order fish at the restaurant and it
order fish at the restaurant and it comes with the head still on it try
comes with the head still on it try covering it with mashed potatoes
covering it with mashed potatoes [Music]
oh I wonder if was something I [Music]
[Music] said is the answer out there or in here
said is the answer out there or in here is everything simply a manifestation of
is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual
Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence a dimension parallel
level of existence a dimension parallel to or beyond the one we live in now it's
to or beyond the one we live in now it's all part of the big illusion that we
all part of the big illusion that we perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is
perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship
perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe
or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe We Engage The Illusion when we stop
We Engage The Illusion when we stop believing we shatter the illusion and
believing we shatter the illusion and shatter ourselves in the process because
shatter ourselves in the process because we are part of it maybe you're right
we are part of it maybe you're right maybe the mistake is in making
maybe the mistake is in making distinctions out there in here Life
distinctions out there in here Life Death it's all the same
ready ready ready welcome to painting with Rusty
ready welcome to painting with Rusty Shanks last week I taught you how to
Shanks last week I taught you how to paint Shrubbery using your own head as a
paint Shrubbery using your own head as a brush that was a good show today we'll
brush that was a good show today we'll take a ride into the wild world of
take a ride into the wild world of modern abstract art yeah just paint
modern abstract art yeah just paint Rusty don't talk some people think
Rusty don't talk some people think abstract art can't be taught I think
abstract art can't be taught I think that let's say you wanted to express an
that let's say you wanted to express an emotion such as oh a fear of
emotion such as oh a fear of caterpillars what color would you choose
caterpillars what color would you choose orange green purple that's right it's
orange green purple that's right it's our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you
our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you make taupe Rusty you're killing me and
make taupe Rusty you're killing me and what shape works best with taupe circle
what shape works best with taupe circle triangle line if you said octagon you're
triangle line if you said octagon you're right we'll represent the octagon with a
right we'll represent the octagon with a DOT and the color taupe will be
DOT and the color taupe will be represented by the color orange it's
represented by the color orange it's levels upon levels I don't get art who
levels upon levels I don't get art who decided that a painting of a bowl of
decided that a painting of a bowl of fruit is Art how long can you look at
fruit is Art how long can you look at the same bowl of fruit anyway at least
the same bowl of fruit anyway at least with the actual fruit itself you can
with the actual fruit itself you can rearrange the pieces once in a while you
rearrange the pieces once in a while you can eat it if you're hungry you can
can eat it if you're hungry you can watch it rot but if all you have is a
watch it rot but if all you have is a painting of fruit your options are
painting of fruit your options are limited so you think the whole art scene
limited so you think the whole art scene is just one big scam to make money I'm
is just one big scam to make money I'm beginning to wonder I'd better look into
beginning to wonder I'd better look into it you do that and report back who are
it you do that and report back who are you who let you in here what do you
you who let you in here what do you think you're doing we wish to interrupt
think you're doing we wish to interrupt this program in order to bring you this
this program in order to bring you this special Bulletin art teacher Rusty
special Bulletin art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm
Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm right here this coupled with his refusal
right here this coupled with his refusal to repay certain outstanding loans has
to repay certain outstanding loans has Force the cancellation of the painting
Force the cancellation of the painting with Rusty
with Rusty show I can get the money no we now
show I can get the money no we now return to painting without Rusty Shanks
return to painting without Rusty Shanks already in progress they say you have to
already in progress they say you have to suffer for your art I wonder if that's
suffer for your art I wonder if that's what they meant
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] he
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
it's critical that we lead the effort to integrate our strategy process and
integrate our strategy process and behavior related
activities to facilitate our goal of sustained predictable and high margin
profitability and we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward continuous
revitalize our efforts toward continuous quality improvement Wally I'm trying to
quality improvement Wally I'm trying to communicate here oh communication I IDE
communicate here oh communication I IDE you call it it sounds like the rambling
you call it it sounds like the rambling and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon
and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon staggering down the street in a
stuper good point arook yes it was communication and unless that newspaper
communication and unless that newspaper has an idea for increasing our profits
has an idea for increasing our profits you'd better put it down and listen to
you'd better put it down and listen to me this thing is full of money making
me this thing is full of money making ideas here's a guy who sued a big
ideas here's a guy who sued a big company and made 25 million he sued us
company and made 25 million he sued us the product directions clearly stated do
the product directions clearly stated do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat
not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat at the same time here's a story about a
at the same time here's a story about a painting that sold for $75 million and
painting that sold for $75 million and the buyer's leaving it in the museum so
the buyer's leaving it in the museum so he paid $75 million and got nothing in
he paid $75 million and got nothing in return hold the wire now we're under
return hold the wire now we're under something no we're not good work Wally
something no we're not good work Wally if only the others could work at my
if only the others could work at my level we'll need some sort of
level we'll need some sort of competitive Advantage if we're going to
competitive Advantage if we're going to dominate The Art industry we will also
dominate The Art industry we will also need art
need art Dilbert would be good at creating art no
Dilbert would be good at creating art no I wouldn't too late the seed is planted
I wouldn't too late the seed is planted it's true that Dilbert is no w-e
it's true that Dilbert is no w-e everyone's trying to warm themselves in
everyone's trying to warm themselves in my light but I don't know anything about
my light but I don't know anything about art uh-uh save it for your performance
art uh-uh save it for your performance review but we're a technology company
review but we're a technology company not an art company Engineers don't
not an art company Engineers don't understand art we know what we
understand art we know what we like don't we how hard could it be art
like don't we how hard could it be art has rules just like anything else if you
has rules just like anything else if you can teach a computer to play chess you
can teach a computer to play chess you can teach a computer to make a painting
can teach a computer to make a painting thank you for converting an impossible
thank you for converting an impossible assignment into something that will look
assignment into something that will look like a personal failing on my part
like a personal failing on my part nicely done not a day goes by when I do
nicely done not a day goes by when I do not learn something well I know what I
not learn something well I know what I like you're right I
like you're right I don't I'd better learn something about
don't I'd better learn something about art pretty quickly why don't you come
art pretty quickly why don't you come with me tonight to an art appreciation
with me tonight to an art appreciation class at the Museum it is hosted by
class at the Museum it is hosted by esteemed Art Expert sister Wanda
esteemed Art Expert sister Wanda Beaver what do nuns know about art you
Beaver what do nuns know about art you are laboring under a false stereotype of
are laboring under a false stereotype of nuns for your information they cannot
nuns for your information they cannot fly under their own power and the short
fly under their own power and the short ones are rarely mistaken for Penguins
ones are rarely mistaken for Penguins I'll try to be more
open-minded in this sweeping expression by Bhutan nogan the artist uses color to
by Bhutan nogan the artist uses color to convey his message of being trapped in a
convey his message of being trapped in a career that was a huge uge mistake
career that was a huge uge mistake forced to wear drab clothing forbidden
forced to wear drab clothing forbidden to explore his intense smoldering
urges in this floral treatment we can feel the artist's desire to Spring
feel the artist's desire to Spring colorfully from his container leaving
colorfully from his container leaving behind his career there was a huge huge
behind his career there was a huge huge mistake H I'm also seeing some
mistake H I'm also seeing some smoldering urges from the Carnation you
smoldering urges from the Carnation you are the quick learner Mr dogbert the
are the quick learner Mr dogbert the rendering is indeed packed with erotic
rendering is indeed packed with erotic imagery what imagery oh it's there you
imagery what imagery oh it's there you can't spell Carnation without carnal
can't spell Carnation without carnal actually you can't spell carnation with
actually you can't spell carnation with carnal that would be caralin but you
carnal that would be caralin but you can't spell it without car and cars have
can't spell it without car and cars have back seats to their not not in the 17th
back seats to their not not in the 17th century when that was
century when that was painted ow
I still don't know what makes one piece of art better than another H maybe you
of art better than another H maybe you should ask people what they like and
should ask people what they like and then put it all in one painting would
then put it all in one painting would that work I was right about the
Carnation when you're shopping for a painting for the house what qualities
painting for the house what qualities are you looking for well I like looking
are you looking for well I like looking at pictures that have shootable animals
at pictures that have shootable animals deer is good sometimes I'm in the mood
deer is good sometimes I'm in the mood for a duck nature themes if the price is
for a duck nature themes if the price is the same I like bigger ones big ones
the same I like bigger ones big ones well I like pictures of things you can
well I like pictures of things you can eat you should never buy paintings on an
eat you should never buy paintings on an empty stomach I like paintings with a
empty stomach I like paintings with a lot of blue that's my favorite color
lot of blue that's my favorite color yeah blue blue is a big big blue one
yeah blue blue is a big big blue one yeah I like that how many of you would
yeah I like that how many of you would buy a painting of a blue
duck how big is it it's big [Music]
I could put a frame around that shirt and sell it in an art gallery no one
and sell it in an art gallery no one wants a stained shirt on their wall
wants a stained shirt on their wall they'll want it if I tell them they want
they'll want it if I tell them they want it you can't tell people what they like
it you can't tell people what they like oh really rat
oh really rat birt I'm going to hang dirty laundry on
birt I'm going to hang dirty laundry on the walls do you want some for your
the walls do you want some for your room why would I want that see I'm not
room why would I want that see I'm not going to use Dilbert's laundry I'm going
going to use Dilbert's laundry I'm going to buy it in an art gallery it's framed
to buy it in an art gallery it's framed expensive dirty laundry can you give me
expensive dirty laundry can you give me a sock for over my desk that's not fair
a sock for over my desk that's not fair how hard is it to brainwash rat BT is
how hard is it to brainwash rat BT is that an insult no it's a
that an insult no it's a compliment thank
you my lucky shirt you have always been good to
excuse me do you own this establishment are you a buyer or just a luy l I am a
are you a buyer or just a luy l I am a third category outraged victim of your
third category outraged victim of your laundromat yeah we get a lot of that
laundromat yeah we get a lot of that sounds like you need some art to lighten
sounds like you need some art to lighten you up how about this piece it's new oh
you up how about this piece it's new oh oh my goodness those are my
underpanties it's blue it's a duck and Theory it's art
print hey what's this nice color and if I'm not mistaken that's a duck you like
I'm not mistaken that's a duck you like it I'm going to hang this on my cubicle
it I'm going to hang this on my cubicle wall is that a duck that is so cute
wall is that a duck that is so cute where did you buy that I didn't buy it
where did you buy that I didn't buy it I'm stealing it from Dilbert Dilbert
I'm stealing it from Dilbert Dilbert made this according to my research it's
made this according to my research it's art my God what's that feeling in my
art my God what's that feeling in my stomach is that a growing sense of
stomach is that a growing sense of respect for
respect for Dilbert no I just drank a soda too fast
Dilbert no I just drank a soda too fast but I do like the duck I like how it's
but I do like the duck I like how it's right in the middle you know sometimes
right in the middle you know sometimes you see a painting of a barn and it's
you see a painting of a barn and it's off in one
off in one corner it's
corner it's magnificent I don't know whether to eat
magnificent I don't know whether to eat it or shoot it can you make it bigger I
it or shoot it can you make it bigger I can make it any size you want any size
can make it any size you want any size whoa Nelly looks like we just hit pay
whoa Nelly looks like we just hit pay duck
thanks to the artistic work of Dilbert in the two weeks since we introduced The
in the two weeks since we introduced The Blue Duck artwork we have captured 99%
Blue Duck artwork we have captured 99% of the Art
[Music] Market I didn't know we were competing
Market I didn't know we were competing against museums competition it's more
against museums competition it's more like a monopoly apparently the verdict
like a monopoly apparently the verdict is in no one wants to look at crap when
is in no one wants to look at crap when they can look at the Blue
Duck our only remaining threat is from some joint in France called the Louver
some joint in France called the Louver sometimes pronounced louy they're
sometimes pronounced louy they're holding on by a thread operating a
holding on by a thread operating a Furniture reupholstering business out of
Furniture reupholstering business out of the gift shop I didn't mean to destroy
the gift shop I didn't mean to destroy the art world he didn't mean to destroy
the art world he didn't mean to destroy the right well get him well you did and
the right well get him well you did and I for one salute
I for one salute [Music]
[Music] you I have a bad feeling about this Blue
you I have a bad feeling about this Blue Duck phenomenon it might be a little too
Duck phenomenon it might be a little too successful culture needs diversity why
successful culture needs diversity why don't you put on a beret and starve
don't you put on a beret and starve Dilbert the marketplace makes no
Dilbert the marketplace makes no judgment the consumer has spoken
judgment the consumer has spoken everyone loves that duck but if it's
everyone loves that duck but if it's everywhere won't that Rob it of its
everywhere won't that Rob it of its uniqueness do we have to shove it down
uniqueness do we have to shove it down the Public's throat at every opportunity
the Public's throat at every opportunity I really think that we're going to
I really think that we're going to dilute its meaning by overexposure uhoh
dilute its meaning by overexposure uhoh it's meaning there he is wa right
here I can't believe I'm seeing you in person you're the most famous artist in
person you're the most famous artist in the world I'm not an artist I'm an
the world I'm not an artist I'm an engineer
engineer oh a boom okay I'm an artist
oh a boom okay I'm an artist [Music]
oh I can't believe I'm on a date with the famous creator of L Canard deur the
the famous creator of L Canard deur the what the Blue Duck oh yes I hope my fame
what the Blue Duck oh yes I hope my fame isn't the only reason you like me oh
isn't the only reason you like me oh don't get me wrong jilbert I don't like
don't get me wrong jilbert I don't like you personally I'm just into the whole
you personally I'm just into the whole scene what it's nothing personal how
scene what it's nothing personal how could that not be personal you just said
could that not be personal you just said you don't like me I don't like you the
you don't like me I don't like you the person but I love you the famous artist
person but I love you the famous artist I'm beginning to finally understand art
I'm beginning to finally understand art our boss wants to talk to you could we
our boss wants to talk to you could we get two ice teas you've been killing the
get two ice teas you've been killing the art racket our boss don't like that I'd
art racket our boss don't like that I'd like a lemon wedge in
mine excuse me I don't believe we ordered this that's
ours oh the new art piece piece I ordered for the conference room can
ordered for the conference room can somebody sign for this I'll take
it there you go that's your name what of it oh
go that's your name what of it oh nothing nothing I'll see
you oh thank you I was having no small difficulty breathing a shock hello don't
difficulty breathing a shock hello don't talk to the art now where were we oh
talk to the art now where were we oh yeah our nearly Total Domination of all
yeah our nearly Total Domination of all worldwide markets how about the Amish
worldwide markets how about the Amish are they coming around they put up a
are they coming around they put up a fight but we wore them
down I don't know about you but I'm starting to worship this Blue Duck and
starting to worship this Blue Duck and you know what else we need a phone
you know what else we need a phone [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
we got him boss here's the guy who's been ruining our
been ruining our business leave
business leave us where am I I am the orado D Vinci
us where am I I am the orado D Vinci head of the five families of our heart I
head of the five families of our heart I have two problems with that answer one
have two problems with that answer one it's not the answer to where and two I'm
it's not the answer to where and two I'm pretty sure you died 500 years
pretty sure you died 500 years ago I invented the helicopter the tank
ago I invented the helicopter the tank and the parachute in the
and the parachute in the 1400s how hard do you think it was for
1400s how hard do you think it was for me to invent a fountain of youth I see
me to invent a fountain of youth I see your point you know you were always a
your point you know you were always a great hero of mine is that so oh yes
great hero of mine is that so oh yes I've tried to model my career after
I've tried to model my career after yours engineer inventor artist no no no
yours engineer inventor artist no no no no
no those are all Sidelines I am at heart a
those are all Sidelines I am at heart a businessman come
businessman come [Music]
[Music] here for hundreds of years the five
here for hundreds of years the five families have run the organized art
families have run the organized art rackets the Renaissance boys the
rackets the Renaissance boys the Impressionists the abstracts the
Impressionists the abstracts the surrealists and the
surrealists and the postmodernist it all makes sense now
postmodernist it all makes sense now you're the ones who decide which
you're the ones who decide which paintings are worth $50 million and
paintings are worth $50 million and which ones are put on decorative plates
which ones are put on decorative plates until you Kim alone
until you Kim alone with your vbid Blue Duck you put a crimp
with your vbid Blue Duck you put a crimp in our
in our business unfortunately it would be
business unfortunately it would be imprudent for us to allow that situation
imprudent for us to allow that situation to continue it's too late to stop it now
to continue it's too late to stop it now the Blue Duck is everywhere there is
the Blue Duck is everywhere there is only one thing that can kill great art
only one thing that can kill great art the taint of un
[Applause] coolness part sorry dang
coolness part sorry dang way watch out big load
way watch out big load that'll clean right up with a little
that'll clean right up with a little salsa water pardon me you have huge feet
salsa water pardon me you have huge feet for a woman here we
for a woman here we [Music]
[Music] go waa we got a babe shot on camera
go waa we got a babe shot on camera too okay go to camera to did you see
that blue dark roll [Applause]
I still want to fall we don't know why but sales of the
fall we don't know why but sales of the Blue Duck product line have taken a
Blue Duck product line have taken a plunge art can be so unpredict
plunge art can be so unpredict predictable for some reason the Blue
predictable for some reason the Blue Duck is no longer cool traditional
Duck is no longer cool traditional paintings are selling for millions of
paintings are selling for millions of dollars again it's a crime it's as if
dollars again it's a crime it's as if the art world were organized so Dilbert
the art world were organized so Dilbert what do you have for us next next I
what do you have for us next next I hadn't really given it much thought
hadn't really given it much thought that's what I thought pay
up so anyway the marketing department has come up with a spin-off of the Blue
has come up with a spin-off of the Blue Duck concept that they call the light
Duck concept that they call the light blue duck but we already know the public
blue duck but we already know the public doesn't want that you're confusing the
doesn't want that you're confusing the light blue duck with the regular Blue
light blue duck with the regular Blue Duck not to worry it's common mistake
Duck not to worry it's common mistake but don't you see that's the point
but don't you see that's the point they're the same thing Dilbert the key
they're the same thing Dilbert the key to marketing is doing whatever you did
to marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't work
before even when you know it won't work that way no one tries to second guess
that way no one tries to second guess you but is that the key to Art is it
you but is that the key to Art is it just a popularity contest or is it the
just a popularity contest or is it the transmission of one Souls innermost
transmission of one Souls innermost Essence to another art is meant to be an
Essence to another art is meant to be an unconstrained expression of the
unconstrained expression of the inexpressible it's our way of telling
inexpressible it's our way of telling each other things we feel but are unable
each other things we feel but are unable to put into words it is ultimately the
to put into words it is ultimately the only real way of sharing who we really
only real way of sharing who we really are with the rest of the world sorry I
are with the rest of the world sorry I lost you after butt you got some nerve
lost you after butt you got some nerve talking to us that way is that Dilbert
talking to us that way is that Dilbert speaking or his Muse what's the
speaking or his Muse what's the difference if it's you I can belittle
difference if it's you I can belittle and ridicule you if it's your Muse I'll
and ridicule you if it's your Muse I'll have to look it up and see what it
have to look it up and see what it actually means it's my muse
damn I guess I just don't get it it's all about branding do people really know
all about branding do people really know good from bad of course not but they
good from bad of course not but they know Picasso's signature if he was
know Picasso's signature if he was around today he'd be making underwear
around today he'd be making underwear too but is that art isn't art supposed
too but is that art isn't art supposed to be something that satisfies some
to be something that satisfies some yearning for truth and Beauty n not
yearning for truth and Beauty n not anymore once a soup can became art all
anymore once a soup can became art all the rules went out the window it's not
the rules went out the window it's not the art it's the logo like these
the art it's the logo like these socks well I guess somehow that's a
socks well I guess somehow that's a disappointment to me I hope the mystery
disappointment to me I hope the mystery of art would reveal itself perhaps it
of art would reveal itself perhaps it will those t-shirts reveal the mystery
will those t-shirts reveal the mystery of Truth and Beauty themselves as
of Truth and Beauty themselves as undergarments for our soul they express
undergarments for our soul they express our deep longing for tactile stimulation
our deep longing for tactile stimulation hidden beneath our starched collars and
hidden beneath our starched collars and coarse Fabrics
oh [Music]
welcome to English for managers tape one listen and repeat tape one listen and
listen and repeat tape one listen and repeat we will enable timely
repeat we will enable timely knowledge-based decisionmaking based on
knowledge-based decisionmaking based on realtime information by implementing an
realtime information by implementing an enterprise resource management system we
enterprise resource management system we will entangle timid college-based
will entangle timid college-based Precision markets based on full-time
Precision markets based on full-time repudiation by instigating a something
repudiation by instigating a something something whatever very good really well
something whatever very good really well I thought I missed a
word they say they're slow but they're not
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
hey [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for for participating in
thank you all for for participating in our company's mandatory blood drive you
our company's mandatory blood drive you really are the lifeblood of this
really are the lifeblood of this [Laughter]
oh Alice you are like the fresh Dew on a morning flower my heart yearns for you
morning flower my heart yearns for you your soft skin your triangle hair your
your soft skin your triangle hair your lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon
lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other death row is a lonely place
each other death row is a lonely place my precious the only things to occupy
my precious the only things to occupy the empty hours our thoughts of you and
the empty hours our thoughts of you and the Contraband I have hidden in my colon
the Contraband I have hidden in my colon my dying wish Alice is for your hand in
my dying wish Alice is for your hand in marriage that is so romantic all my love
marriage that is so romantic all my love Vince P.S please respond before next
Vince P.S please respond before next Friday at noon what if I don't have any
Friday at noon what if I don't have any extra blood maybe I only have exactly
extra blood maybe I only have exactly enough everyone has extra blood it
enough everyone has extra blood it doesn't matter anyway you'll never get
doesn't matter anyway you'll never get past the screening process I will now
past the screening process I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions
read a list of disqualifying conditions please leave the auditorium if any of
please leave the auditorium if any of the following apply to you are you now
the following apply to you are you now or have you ever been Wally yes first
or have you ever been Wally yes first one
one out repeat the disconnects between gross
out repeat the disconnects between gross margin and leverage will be harnessed
margin and leverage will be harnessed for commercial Ventures the discotek
for commercial Ventures the discotek between gross marger
between gross marger and beverages will be harmless to your
and beverages will be harmless to your dentures very
dentures very good now close your eyes and visualize
good now close your eyes and visualize each word as you say
it imagine the word Vision try to see it in your mind is a
in your mind is a black have you gotten any tattoos in the
black have you gotten any tattoos in the last 6 months
have you had intimate physical relations with anyone in the past 10
years not really but I'm trying to build a
a reputation with your eyes still closed
reputation with your eyes still closed imagine a picture that corresponds with
imagine a picture that corresponds with the phrase a commitment to Synergy I see
the phrase a commitment to Synergy I see it it's like some sort of two-headed
it it's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck or there's it a
beaver can you get a clean shot at his tires I think I can hit the spare tire
tires I think I can hit the spare tire in the
in the back wait he
stopped oft toity bottles on the wall come on I can't take another four hours
come on I can't take another four hours of this go go go
of this go go go will you just shut up you have infinite
will you just shut up you have infinite beer on the wall okay it will never be
beer on the wall okay it will never be fewer now put your hands out to your
fewer now put your hands out to your sides and wave them
slowly can you imagine if something were to happen to this bus helmet The
to happen to this bus helmet The Sciences of physics chemistry
Sciences of physics chemistry mathematics and medicine all wiped out
mathematics and medicine all wiped out in a stroke and economics economics is
in a stroke and economics economics is not a science and never will be he's
not a science and never will be he's waving us on finally
waving us on finally [Music]
all units he's heading for a large business campus prepare to intercept are
business campus prepare to intercept are you telling me you haven't done anything
you telling me you haven't done anything on this list I've been very
on this list I've been very busy all right roll up your
sleeve Woo is isn't that the fifth bag we got a quarter can I have a cookie no
we got a quarter can I have a cookie no I ate them all while you were
bleeding all right Sharpshooters if you get a clear shot take
[Music] it uh there's people in the
it uh there's people in the way oh shoot
word the vehicle had no registration or plates so we're hoping someone saw him
plates so we're hoping someone saw him why would a vehicle need registration
why would a vehicle need registration and plates I'm just a sketch artist oh a
and plates I'm just a sketch artist oh a specialist well I didn't exactly see the
specialist well I didn't exactly see the guy but from what I heard on the the
guy but from what I heard on the the radio I've got a pretty good idea of
radio I've got a pretty good idea of what he looks like can you describe him
what he looks like can you describe him for me I could but I'm extremely busy W
for me I could but I'm extremely busy W I can't work too hard I almost gave
I can't work too hard I almost gave blood today I want you to describe to
blood today I want you to describe to these officers the man I heard about on
these officers the man I heard about on the radio this morning what be as
the radio this morning what be as specific as you can don't leave out
specific as you can don't leave out anything all right I'll tell him
anything all right I'll tell him everything you know
everything you know [Music]
H these remind me of water balloons except filled with blood put that
except filled with blood put that down it looks like you have some
down it looks like you have some [Music]
[Music] extras all right one bag but let me show
extras all right one bag but let me show you how to do
you how to do it this psycle must have left a blood
it this psycle must have left a blood trail now I want you to comb every inch
trail now I want you to comb every inch of this area for the Killer's DNA maybe
of this area for the Killer's DNA maybe we'll get lucky and don't let this crime
we'll get lucky and don't let this crime scene get
contaminated you shooting yourself well thank
you driving without blood is surprisingly difficult
sir how many drinks have you had this evening nothing I couldn't even get a
evening nothing I couldn't even get a cookie then a lady took all of my blood
cookie then a lady took all of my blood okay buddy count backward from 100 using
okay buddy count backward from 100 using only prime numbers 97 89 83 79 73 71
only prime numbers 97 89 83 79 73 71 okay no one liked so wise ass get out of
okay no one liked so wise ass get out of the
car attention all units attention all units positive DNA match has been made
units positive DNA match has been made on the Nobel Prize Slaughter the suspect
on the Nobel Prize Slaughter the suspect is Caucasian wearing glasses in
is Caucasian wearing glasses in laughably bad shape and answers to the
laughably bad shape and answers to the name Dilbert hey that's
name Dilbert hey that's [Music]
me so with the Nobel Prize killer safely Behind Bars looking at a swift execution
Behind Bars looking at a swift execution once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is
once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over and everyone associated with the
over and everyone associated with the case long dead strange men with
case long dead strange men with incomprehensible theories that can't be
incomprehensible theories that can't be proven can once again breathe a sigh of
proven can once again breathe a sigh of relief Mr and Mrs fenerman hi I'm Alice
relief Mr and Mrs fenerman hi I'm Alice I'm engaged to your son Vince it is so
I'm engaged to your son Vince it is so nice to meet you DG here do you need a
nice to meet you DG here do you need a sign that's okay I have my
sign that's okay I have my own I don't understand aren't you two
own I don't understand aren't you two getting married yes we're going to spend
getting married yes we're going to spend the rest of our lives
the rest of our lives together mark my words this marriage
together mark my words this marriage will never last
will never last [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] wow this cell is huge sorry about the
wow this cell is huge sorry about the internet connection there's an internet
internet connection there's an internet connection your cable modem's in the
connection your cable modem's in the shop we're running you through the T1
shop we're running you through the T1 until it gets back what's this fan mail
until it gets back what's this fan mail probably a few marriage proposals for me
probably a few marriage proposals for me marriage proposals you're in for murder
marriage proposals you're in for murder right that's an aphrodesiac for the
right that's an aphrodesiac for the fairer sex you know I'm actually
fairer sex you know I'm actually innocent no I wouldn't let that slip out
excuse me how did you decide that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar well
cigarettes was worth one candy bar well I was hungry first of all you should
I was hungry first of all you should never barter on an empty stomach second
never barter on an empty stomach second this is much too inefficient
oh so everything used for barter could be valued at a constant rate relative to
be valued at a constant rate relative to everything else for instance a shampoo
everything else for instance a shampoo bottle of homemade gin is equal to a
bottle of homemade gin is equal to a clean toothbrush which is also
clean toothbrush which is also equivalent to an 8 O bar of chocolate or
equivalent to an 8 O bar of chocolate or five
questions okay one might wonder what happens when
okay one might wonder what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity say
a scarcity in a perishable commodity say chocolate causes a relative glut of
chocolate causes a relative glut of another more durable item such as erotic
another more durable item such as erotic literature
literature anyone yes we carve a potato into the
anyone yes we carve a potato into the shape of a gun and cover it with shoe
shape of a gun and cover it with shoe polish you could do that or wait for the
polish you could do that or wait for the market to automatically adjust to take
market to automatically adjust to take into account the commodity imbalance
into account the commodity imbalance thus moving the exchange rate to a new
thus moving the exchange rate to a new point of stab
point of stab you can do all that without a potato
heig how about 8 n g y43 2 let me check boys boys you're
y43 2 let me check boys boys you're sitting on a gold mine here do you
sitting on a gold mine here do you realize the license plate business is a
realize the license plate business is a growth industry and and illegal Monopoly
growth industry and and illegal Monopoly by automating your order flow in
by automating your order flow in assembly process you'll increase
assembly process you'll increase productivity and reduced costs the guy
productivity and reduced costs the guy who had this job before didn't train
who had this job before didn't train me dead man
me dead man walking down the
aisle we are gathered here today to join two souls in holy matrimony and to damn
two souls in holy matrimony and to damn one of them to Eternal Hellfire I
one of them to Eternal Hellfire I understand that you two have written
understand that you two have written your own vows vce who would have thought
your own vows vce who would have thought 10 years ago that a Grizzly mass
10 years ago that a Grizzly mass murderer would lead to such a blissful
murderer would lead to such a blissful Union you are my heart you are my soul
Union you are my heart you are my soul you make living
you make living worthwhile I look forward to spending
worthwhile I look forward to spending the next 45 seconds as your loving wife
the next 45 seconds as your loving wife bch how to do it oh for the love of God
bch how to do it oh for the love of God please don't kill me
uh right okay by the authority vested in Me by the State Correctional Facility I
Me by the State Correctional Facility I pronounce your man and wife you may now
pronounce your man and wife you may now insert the
insert the gag you making a big mistake I didn't I
gag you making a big mistake I didn't I [Music]
[Music] didn't it is an Incredible Book Mr
didn't it is an Incredible Book Mr dogbert thanks it took me all morning to
dogbert thanks it took me all morning to write it it's the ending that bothers me
write it it's the ending that bothers me it would be better if this Dilbert
it would be better if this Dilbert fellow gets set free at the last minute
fellow gets set free at the last minute instead of flaming like a marshmallow
instead of flaming like a marshmallow how much better would it be about $3
how much better would it be about $3 million in movie rights I'll talk to the
million in movie rights I'll talk to the Supreme
Supreme [Music]
[Music] Court there are just no good convicts
Court there are just no good convicts out there that one's cute cute yes but
out there that one's cute cute yes but he's got a damn good appeal pending I
he's got a damn good appeal pending I read the brief no you can't tell
read the brief no you can't tell anything from a picture anyway in my
anything from a picture anyway in my high school yearbook book I didn't even
high school yearbook book I didn't even look
attractive maybe we should go visit Dilbert check the place out that sounds
Dilbert check the place out that sounds like it involves leaving work I'll
like it involves leaving work I'll drive I couldn't help overhearing you
drive I couldn't help overhearing you while I was eavesdropping do you mind if
while I was eavesdropping do you mind if I go with you to stare at the miserable
I go with you to stare at the miserable Mis creant uh there's no room in my car
Mis creant uh there's no room in my car it's filled with oxygen and carbon
it's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide that's not good I'll drive my
dioxide that's not good I'll drive my own car can you give me directions yes
own car can you give me directions yes yes I can
who's that he's an Axe Murderer ooh the outdoor type let me talk to Wall-E put
outdoor type let me talk to Wall-E put in a good word for me in C block hey
in a good word for me in C block hey Delbert looking good all that hard
Delbert looking good all that hard manual labor is paying off actually
manual labor is paying off actually there is no hard labor I have all day to
there is no hard labor I have all day to think to exercise and to work on my own
think to exercise and to work on my own projects I barely have to do anything if
projects I barely have to do anything if I don't want to but it's lonely right
I don't want to but it's lonely right hardly w-e this week alone I've received
hardly w-e this week alone I've received over a 100 marriage proposals boy is my
over a 100 marriage proposals boy is my value system all screwed
value system all screwed up oh there it is bars and all the big
house okay next we'll hear from Tino in shiv manufacturing thank you I'm pleased
shiv manufacturing thank you I'm pleased to report that uh since we instituted a
to report that uh since we instituted a battle recycling program the number of
battle recycling program the number of pointy object available to the prison
pointy object available to the prison population has
population has tripled good work um Bobby G you're up I
tripled good work um Bobby G you're up I just prepared this memo on the new
just prepared this memo on the new production quotas as you can see all the
production quotas as you can see all the inmates are participating in the prison
inmates are participating in the prison 401K considering the average inmate
401K considering the average inmate salary is 18 cents a day at maturity
salary is 18 cents a day at maturity this amounts to a retirement package of
this amounts to a retirement package of approximately
approximately $34 well let's see if we can't
$34 well let's see if we can't supplement that with some of the
supplement that with some of the souvenir sales all right is there any
souvenir sales all right is there any new business I think we should probably
new business I think we should probably discuss the status of the Escape Plan in
discuss the status of the Escape Plan in the progress of the tunnel all right
the progress of the tunnel all right using two shifts round the clock and a
using two shifts round the clock and a tpoon we have dug
tpoon we have dug approximately 3 ft at this rate of
approximately 3 ft at this rate of excavation we estimate the tunnel will
excavation we estimate the tunnel will be completed sometime in the year 2125
be completed sometime in the year 2125 and when is the escape currently
and when is the escape currently scheduled Tuesday okay I've done some
scheduled Tuesday okay I've done some calculations along with a preliminary
calculations along with a preliminary Geological Survey and
Geological Survey and Tony shirt the bearing wall is made of
Tony shirt the bearing wall is made of Basalt Basalt is among the most dense of
Basalt Basalt is among the most dense of ous rocks now if we drop down
ous rocks now if we drop down approximately 10 m the composition of
approximately 10 m the composition of the bordering wall becomes limestone a
the bordering wall becomes limestone a very spoon friendly material now I've
very spoon friendly material now I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon but
drawn up plans for an electric spoon but it's going to cost 4 million candy bars
it's going to cost 4 million candy bars no
no problem did you know that I'm the only
problem did you know that I'm the only one in my bridge club with a son on
one in my bridge club with a son on death row I'm sorry I'm such a
death row I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you Mom
disappointment to you Mom disappointment everyone asks about you
disappointment everyone asks about you you're out of the news I used to get
you're out of the news I used to get blank stairs when I told people you were
blank stairs when I told people you were an engineer but murderer that gets
an engineer but murderer that gets people's respect you could be a little
people's respect you could be a little disappointed let's see bank robbery 10
disappointed let's see bank robbery 10 to 15 years kidnapping ooh 20 to life
to 15 years kidnapping ooh 20 to life not too shabby furis the crime of
not too shabby furis the crime of rubbing up against people in crowded
rubbing up against people in crowded public places when did they make that
public places when did they make that illegal
dogbert always a pleasure why don't you come to the meetings anymore I'm not
come to the meetings anymore I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court
actually a member of the Supreme Court really now I feel bad about letting you
really now I feel bad about letting you write all those
write all those decisions I didn't mind what brings you
decisions I didn't mind what brings you in today I want you to overturn the
in today I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named
conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just
Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just write up your decision and sign all your
write up your decision and sign all your names to it okay but make me sound
names to it okay but make me sound indignant and throw something in there
indignant and throw something in there about fairness do you want a copy I
about fairness do you want a copy I don't see when I'd ever read it today my
don't see when I'd ever read it today my friends marks the dawning of a new era
friends marks the dawning of a new era today we prove that with Vigor
today we prove that with Vigor discipline and a
discipline and a [Applause]
what's your name good Lord man what's happened to
name good Lord man what's happened to you in
you in there okay time to go Dilbert but
there okay time to go Dilbert but they're coming back aren't they probably
they're coming back aren't they probably the recidivism rate is very high did
the recidivism rate is very high did they ever find the real killer funny
they ever find the real killer funny thing right after I got you off some LUN
thing right after I got you off some LUN to confess to the
crime you sure is good in not being able to hammer up them rocks at all I wasn't
to hammer up them rocks at all I wasn't really expecting this kind of an
really expecting this kind of an environment o are are those the conjugal
environment o are are those the conjugal visit trailers we a team you and me got
visit trailers we a team you and me got us a quote if and we ain't met her but
us a quote if and we ain't met her but Sundown we ain't getting no dinner so
Sundown we ain't getting no dinner so you uh get a lot of marriage proposals
you uh get a lot of marriage proposals since you've been here you hear me up
since you've been here you hear me up boy I ain't missing my shower day a kind
boy I ain't missing my shower day a kind of your baby butt hands can't swing a
of your baby butt hands can't swing a pick grab up that there pick and bring
pick grab up that there pick and bring her
down no that ain't going to do her here let me show
you now you get it I think my shoulders are
are dislocating that's enough Out of
You by the power vested in Me by the State Correctional Facility I Now
State Correctional Facility I Now Pronounce your man and wife you may now
Pronounce your man and wife you may now insert the
gag yellow it's the governor the real killer
yellow it's the governor the real killer confessed you've been
hardened now we can start a life together Alice it's like a miracle
together Alice it's like a miracle you're innocent I'm having serious
you're innocent I'm having serious second thoughts the governor wants to
second thoughts the governor wants to speak to you tell him to hold for one
[Applause] [Music]
I didn't know you ate here I don't I just come here to yell at the employees
just come here to yell at the employees your milkshake sir that'll be $189 your
your milkshake sir that'll be $189 your sign says $1.98 what kind of a ripoff
sign says $1.98 what kind of a ripoff joint is this oh I am so sorry you're
joint is this oh I am so sorry you're right now I don't even want it you can
right now I don't even want it you can keep your milkshake have a nice
keep your milkshake have a nice day see you back at the
office have a nice day would you like a free dupy with that I don't know what a
free dupy with that I don't know what a dupy is but if it's free I'll take
dupy is but if it's free I'll take one I'm sorry we don't have
any I'm not going to hit you you can if you want everyone
you want everyone does thank you what exactly is a dupy
does thank you what exactly is a dupy anyway I have no idea sir but they're
anyway I have no idea sir but they're very popular oh they're the cutest
very popular oh they're the cutest things although they don't even exist
things although they don't even exist yet I'm trying to collect the whole set
yet I'm trying to collect the whole set they don't exist
they don't exist why are you asking me if I want
why are you asking me if I want something that doesn't even exist that's
something that doesn't even exist that's the idea I don't know sir I just work
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
ratbert can you tell me why strange babies are in my kitchen no I'm
babies are in my kitchen no I'm operating on a need to no
operating on a need to no [Music]
[Music] basis spoons
[Music] dining it's hard to get mad they're so
dining it's hard to get mad they're so cute that's what I've been telling you
cute that's what I've been telling you use your cuteness it is your most
use your cuteness it is your most powerful weapon do you think you should
powerful weapon do you think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing no
be teaching babies this sort of thing no you can't start too early I've been
you can't start too early I've been working with most of these kids since
working with most of these kids since they were in the womb what do their
they were in the womb what do their parents think of this no they think
parents think of this no they think they're at the park the nannies are on
they're at the park the nannies are on the payroll don't you think they have a
the payroll don't you think they have a right to know why because they're older
right to know why because they're older it's so arbitrary now you'll excuse me
it's so arbitrary now you'll excuse me next week I'll teach you how to kick the
next week I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire
seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie then I have a
length of the movie then I have a special clinic on making all the candy
special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle of
slobbering I invited Anne from marketing to tell us a little about our newest
to tell us a little about our newest advertising
campaign uh-oh sneeze coming fire in the
coming fire in the hole I think everyone might be
hole I think everyone might be overreacting
kazun hide watch me get blamed for that maybe I'll just tell you about the
that maybe I'll just tell you about the marketing campaign myself I've got a
marketing campaign myself I've got a little surprise for you uh-oh I don't
little surprise for you uh-oh I don't like surprises nothing good can come
like surprises nothing good can come from this my desire for spontaneity has
from this my desire for spontaneity has not been ground into dust yet I still
not been ground into dust yet I still like a surprise is it a ceranic porpus
like a surprise is it a ceranic porpus or possibly some sort of toss salad in a
or possibly some sort of toss salad in a blanket come on those aren't even good
blanket come on those aren't even good guesses oh please show us and make my
guesses oh please show us and make my tingly stop look it's a
tingly stop look it's a dupy isn't it cute isn't it
dupy isn't it cute isn't it cute well isn't it it's your hand that's
cute well isn't it it's your hand that's because the freaking dupy doesn't exist
because the freaking dupy doesn't exist yet our marketing department has been
yet our marketing department has been advertising it for months you mean our
advertising it for months you mean our company is supposed to be making the
company is supposed to be making the dupy we're not even a toy company why
dupy we're not even a toy company why didn't someone in marketing come to us
didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner Dilbert you're in charge of
sooner Dilbert you're in charge of building the dupy
building the dupy just make it cute very very cute there
just make it cute very very cute there are more important things than cuteness
are more important things than cuteness you
you [Music]
[Music] know hold it there's still time to
know hold it there's still time to invite someone else from marketing
word dber cut the cord me I don't think so you really think I should maybe just
so you really think I should maybe just cut the
remember kids if your parents feel guilty they are
guilty they are guilty hey look what I brought home it's
guilty hey look what I brought home it's a no I'm not the cutest one in the
a no I'm not the cutest one in the family
family anymore oh God
what's wrong must be a loose
wrong must be a loose connection now come on I can't do this
connection now come on I can't do this all night this is not the way you've
all night this is not the way you've been
been programmed I'm sure you're fine this is
programmed I'm sure you're fine this is just a minor
just a minor malfunction now stop it stop it
[Music] I'm sorry I'm late the dupy kept me up
I'm sorry I'm late the dupy kept me up again last night it is very Innovative
again last night it is very Innovative to blame a toy for your shortcomings
to blame a toy for your shortcomings surely this method will spread like
surely this method will spread like wildfire I'm not really lazy I blame
wildfire I'm not really lazy I blame that damn dupy sometimes the dupy makes
that damn dupy sometimes the dupy makes my hair look too big I'm not loud I'm
my hair look too big I'm not loud I'm not making this up the dupy's
not making this up the dupy's malfunctioning at night and I don't know
malfunctioning at night and I don't know why sounds fam familiar h i remember
why sounds fam familiar h i remember when I'd be trying to sleep and the
when I'd be trying to sleep and the Little Tikes would be crying all night
Little Tikes would be crying all night in the Next Room how did you stop them
in the Next Room how did you stop them didn't have to turns out I was in the
didn't have to turns out I was in the wrong
house my Justin shows absolutely no interest in the Dy I'm with him I don't
interest in the Dy I'm with him I don't know what people see in these things
know what people see in these things Justin only watches educational
Justin only watches educational television yeah and I don't eat sugar
television yeah and I don't eat sugar right from the box when you're not
right from the box when you're not looking give me the keys I'll pull the
looking give me the keys I'll pull the car
around I'll name you Billy and Eric and I think you look like a Sebastian hey
I think you look like a Sebastian hey Alice have you seen the sales report the
Alice have you seen the sales report the dupies are a huge sensation it just
dupies are a huge sensation it just proves people will buy
proves people will buy anything what was that I didn't hear any
anything what was that I didn't hear any dupies would you excuse me I have work
dupies would you excuse me I have work to do
okay she's coming this way you might as well go home right now my friend she is
well go home right now my friend she is all mine oh yeah what do you
got is that it read them and weep a dy I can't compete with with
that can I have these sure okay she took mine
first our top news story the dupy doll has become an international sensation oh
has become an international sensation oh yeah all this despite reports that some
yeah all this despite reports that some dupies are evolving from their original
dupies are evolving from their original cute form evolving into something
cute form evolving into something hideous that could destroy the planet
hideous that could destroy the planet within the week destroy the planet and
within the week destroy the planet and now some celebrity birthdays brought to
now some celebrity birthdays brought to you by the
you by the [Applause]
Dy by any criteria we are superior we are the
superior we are the new that's our show for today kids if
new that's our show for today kids if you'd like a copy of our transcript
you'd like a copy of our transcript we'll transmit it directly into your
we'll transmit it directly into your head using telepathy and remember if
head using telepathy and remember if your parents don't buy you a dupy every
your parents don't buy you a dupy every week they're only pretending to love
week they're only pretending to love [Music]
[Music] you hello Mom have you mailed me
you hello Mom have you mailed me anything
recently Dy Dy we need to talk dupy
and so you see we have evolved into a higher form of life uh higher than who
higher form of life uh higher than who not counting you dogbert apology
not counting you dogbert apology accepted I can't help noticing you've
accepted I can't help noticing you've lost one quality we are no longer as you
lost one quality we are no longer as you say cute woo I'm the cutest one in the
say cute woo I'm the cutest one in the family again
family again kumay my Lord
kumay my Lord kumay all right I'll shut up now we have
kumay all right I'll shut up now we have evolved beyond the need for cuteness it
evolved beyond the need for cuteness it has no role in an advanced
species hello gorgeous do you mind if I use the
gorgeous do you mind if I use the Reflection from your head as a mirror
Reflection from your head as a mirror I'm in the
door what's in the bag is that one of those cute little dupies they come for
those cute little dupies they come for the reflection but they stay for the
[Music] ridiculous so this is what happens when
ridiculous so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too
you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long we are not huge flies we are an
long we are not huge flies we are an advanced form of life you have freed us
advanced form of life you have freed us from the draw to reward you we will use
from the draw to reward you we will use our Advanced intellect to benefit
our Advanced intellect to benefit mankind what is it your species needs
mankind what is it your species needs most I can't think of anything perhaps
most I can't think of anything perhaps we could tell you how to cure a terrible
we could tell you how to cure a terrible disease no I'm good maybe you would like
disease no I'm good maybe you would like a Perpetual clean fuel source don't need
a Perpetual clean fuel source don't need it I use gasoline have you heard of
it Ken is here from marketing to tell us how the saes of dupies are going I'm
how the saes of dupies are going I'm afraid it's bad
time and I've never seen anything go from good to bad so
quickly maybe I'll tell you the dupy status myself
status myself they evolved into hideous insects and CS
they evolved into hideous insects and CS are in the crapper they're not insects
are in the crapper they're not insects they're a superior form of life Superior
they're a superior form of life Superior they don't even look cute anymore
they don't even look cute anymore there's more to being Superior than just
there's more to being Superior than just being cute you know you're preaching to
being cute you know you're preaching to the choir they can teach us so much
the choir they can teach us so much science technology medicine they're not
science technology medicine they're not cute anymore no they're not cute loud
cute anymore no they're not cute loud Howard but they are so much more now
Howard but they are so much more now they have transcended our Limited levels
they have transcended our Limited levels of awareness and become the next logical
of awareness and become the next logical evolutionary step and they're delicious
evolutionary step and they're delicious with terar sauce what yes we're very
with terar sauce what yes we're very excited our studies show that the dupies
excited our studies show that the dupies are dup belicious we're relaunching the
are dup belicious we're relaunching the dupy product line next week as a pizza
dupy product line next week as a pizza topping you can't do that the dupies are
topping you can't do that the dupies are sensient beings if by sension you mean
sensient beings if by sension you mean good eaten I think we're on the same
good eaten I think we're on the same page
I know how it feels to create a new species only to have someone come along
species only to have someone come along later and eat it you do I don't talk
later and eat it you do I don't talk about it much I can't let the dupies
about it much I can't let the dupies become pizza topping I have to do
become pizza topping I have to do something why you stood idly by while it
something why you stood idly by while it happened to pineapples pineapples are
happened to pineapples pineapples are different they're not alive well they're
different they're not alive well they're alive but they aren't intelligent
alive but they aren't intelligent they're smarter than bananas it's all
they're smarter than bananas it's all relative what are you saying it's
relative what are you saying it's arbitrary who's your pet who's your food
arbitrary who's your pet who's your food who's your insurance salesman we have
who's your insurance salesman we have reason for those distinctions yes but
reason for those distinctions yes but not good reasons how do I convince
not good reasons how do I convince people the dupies aren't food teach the
people the dupies aren't food teach the dupies to sell insurance that's not the
dupies to sell insurance that's not the best advice you've ever given they can't
best advice you've ever given they can't all be
all be [Music]
[Music] winners I do not wish to be a pizza
winners I do not wish to be a pizza topping I'm trying to figure out how to
topping I'm trying to figure out how to save you and your people have I
save you and your people have I mentioned that I'm a superior life form
mentioned that I'm a superior life form about once a minute since you got Wings
about once a minute since you got Wings it never gets old look I can save you
it never gets old look I can save you you'll just have to hide in the house
you'll just have to hide in the house with me I I just don't know about the
[Music] others you have raised me and I am
others you have raised me and I am grateful but I am a dupy I must be with
grateful but I am a dupy I must be with other dupies it is time for me to leave
other dupies it is time for me to leave the
the nest you can't leave if someone gets a
nest you can't leave if someone gets a bun around you you're dead that is a
bun around you you're dead that is a risk I must take you did your best and I
risk I must take you did your best and I will always love you for that but you
will always love you for that but you cannot protect me
forever doy
doy [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
goodbye don't ever leave this room never mind the moment's
leave this room never mind the moment's gone
stupid fruit best three out of five let me ask you a hypothetical
five let me ask you a hypothetical question would you eat an insurance
question would you eat an insurance salesman I did that once is a part of a
salesman I did that once is a part of a fraternity hazing okay bad example I
fraternity hazing okay bad example I just realized I don't know what
just realized I don't know what hypothetical
hypothetical means my goal is to create an anti- dupy
means my goal is to create an anti- dupy eating campaign okay how
eating campaign okay how about this is your brain this is your
about this is your brain this is your brain after eating a dupy that doesn't
brain after eating a dupy that doesn't even make
even make sense you don't understand the creative
sense you don't understand the creative process you stole that slogan from the
process you stole that slogan from the anti-drug campaign okay maybe you do
anti-drug campaign okay maybe you do understand the creative process how
understand the creative process how about dupies they're like little
about dupies they're like little insurance salesman with wings no too
insurance salesman with wings no too overdone overdone how about dupies
overdone overdone how about dupies they're like little Insurance salesmen
they're like little Insurance salesmen with
with wings much
better since we converted the dupies to a food item worldwide sales have leveled
a food item worldwide sales have leveled out at zero we're calling it a success
out at zero we're calling it a success because that's just what we do gee I
because that's just what we do gee I wonder why no one wants to eat the
wonder why no one wants to eat the dupies maybe it has something to do with
dupies maybe it has something to do with that brilliant new anti- dupy eating
that brilliant new anti- dupy eating campaign no it wasn't that our research
campaign no it wasn't that our research tells us no one wants to eat huge
tells us no one wants to eat huge talking insects that beg for their lives
talking insects that beg for their lives it's not intuitive but the anti- dupy
it's not intuitive but the anti- dupy eating ad campaign helped a little too
eating ad campaign helped a little too no anyway we shipped our entire dupy
no anyway we shipped our entire dupy inventory to the landfill where they
inventory to the landfill where they will be pecked to death by seagulls do
will be pecked to death by seagulls do we call that a success too you can't
we call that a success too you can't just throw the dupies away they're a
just throw the dupies away they're a superior form of life they're not cute
superior form of life they're not cute anymore Deja
[Applause] Vu do you know where the landfill is
Vu do you know where the landfill is this might seem odd to you but I do get
this might seem odd to you but I do get in
in [Music]
we'll need reinforcements the landfill has a rule that you can't take anything
has a rule that you can't take anything back they never Bend dogbert meet us at
back they never Bend dogbert meet us at the landfill bring help
it looks like you got an empty truck there you know the rules no pickups only
there you know the rules no pickups only drop offs I'm here to save an advanced
drop offs I'm here to save an advanced species from being pecked to death by
species from being pecked to death by seagulls if I made an exception for you
seagulls if I made an exception for you everyone would be coming in here and
everyone would be coming in here and taking home garbage the whole system
taking home garbage the whole system would break down please just this once
would break down please just this once we promise we won't touch any of the
we promise we won't touch any of the good stuff who told you there's good
good stuff who told you there's good stuff in
stuff in [Music]
[Music] there ready
there ready spoon commence dining
[Music] oh dupy am I too late we tried on energy
oh dupy am I too late we tried on energy blasts but they just kept coming it's
blasts but they just kept coming it's okay now you can come home you'll be all
okay now you can come home you'll be all right we can't go back somehow we have
right we can't go back somehow we have been branded as insurance
been branded as insurance salesman we will never be respected on
salesman we will never be respected on this world oh I can explain that we must
this world oh I can explain that we must leave this place the dupies must escape
leave this place the dupies must escape the bigotry and random seagull attacks
the bigotry and random seagull attacks that characterize this world you under
that characterize this world you under stand unfortunately I do goodbye goodbye
[Music] I see you ey on those melon rinds those
I see you ey on those melon rinds those are my melon rinds don't even think
are my melon rinds don't even think about those melon rind I got dipped on
about those melon rind I got dipped on the rindes you hear me you hear
me the house seems so empty now have you noticed that I exist yes but I don't
noticed that I exist yes but I don't miss you because you're always here that
miss you because you're always here that is the nicest compliment I have ever
is the nicest compliment I have ever heard
heard dupy is that you where are you I can't
dupy is that you where are you I can't reveal our new location for security
reveal our new location for security reasons I understand we have found a new
reasons I understand we have found a new home where our Advanced intellect is
home where our Advanced intellect is appreciated and physical appearance is
appreciated and physical appearance is not important I didn't realize there was
not important I didn't realize there was such a place I must go now we have a
such a place I must go now we have a code review meeting
code review meeting [Music]
[Music] he
he [Music]
this car pooling together is a great idea who thought of it anyway you did
idea who thought of it anyway you did well oh I don't do you mind if I shave
well oh I don't do you mind if I shave in the car I guess that would be
okay what are you doing I like to start on my
back I hope you realize I have to sell my car now you mind if I brush my teeth
my car now you mind if I brush my teeth I don't see how you
I don't see how you can how do you expect to rinse your
can how do you expect to rinse your mouth
out mm-m [Music]
[Music] mm- tomorrow you drive preferably
mm- tomorrow you drive preferably without me
what what was that sound I think you hit a squirrel
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] I love the car pooling by the way I
I love the car pooling by the way I dropped my floss in the crack ofier seat
dropped my floss in the crack ofier seat I'd like it back you can have the whole
I'd like it back you can have the whole car thank you have a nice day
I left my ID in the car but you know me I do we've seen each other every day for
I do we've seen each other every day for the past 5 years then you must know my
the past 5 years then you must know my name well uh it's Gary of course Gary I
name well uh it's Gary of course Gary I knew that it's not Gary then why did you
knew that it's not Gary then why did you tell me it was testing your character
tell me it was testing your character guess you failed look I'm kind of in a
guess you failed look I'm kind of in a hurry there's always enough time to be
hurry there's always enough time to be secure that's my motto that's not your
secure that's my motto that's not your motto it is now I liked it as soon as I
motto it is now I liked it as soon as I heard it how about letting me slide this
heard it how about letting me slide this time I'm afraid that would be a
time I'm afraid that would be a violation of the security guard's
violation of the security guard's professional code of ethics professional
professional code of ethics professional code of ethics is that a joke all you do
code of ethics is that a joke all you do is sit there and watch people walk past
is sit there and watch people walk past that's hardly a profession well Mr big
that's hardly a profession well Mr big shot engineer thinks he's king of the
shot engineer thinks he's king of the world with his degree in his briefcase
world with his degree in his briefcase and his fancy cubicle it must be so hard
and his fancy cubicle it must be so hard to sit there in meetings all day at
to sit there in meetings all day at least least it's a profession with very
least least it's a profession with very strict requirements your job could be
strict requirements your job could be done by
done by a a
a a uh help me out here there's always
uh help me out here there's always enough time to be
enough time to be secure an ostrich that's what your job
secure an ostrich that's what your job could be done by oh good one an ostrich
could be done by oh good one an ostrich could do my job very clever I'm sure you
could do my job very clever I'm sure you use that cleverness in your challenging
use that cleverness in your challenging job as an engineer you bet I do and lots
job as an engineer you bet I do and lots more I could be an engineer tomorrow if
more I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to but you could never ever do
I wanted to but you could never ever do my job that is the most ridiculous thing
my job that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard engineering takes years
I've ever heard engineering takes years of training I've been doing some reading
of training I've been doing some reading on the
topic for example did you know you can build your own helicopter for
build your own helicopter for $25 you can't build a helicopter for $25
$25 you can't build a helicopter for $25 that just gets you the instructions what
that just gets you the instructions what if you already have all the parts good
if you already have all the parts good point there who has helicopter parts in
point there who has helicopter parts in their house you can't be an engineer
their house you can't be an engineer just by reading magazines if you're so
just by reading magazines if you're so cocky how about a little wager we'll
cocky how about a little wager we'll switch jobs for one day whoever can do
switch jobs for one day whoever can do the other person's job wins I do it
the other person's job wins I do it except there's no way you could ever get
except there's no way you could ever get hired as an engineer when can you start
hired as an engineer when can you start what are you doing he's never been an
what are you doing he's never been an engineer before oh how hard Could It Be
engineer before oh how hard Could It Be I'm always correcting your work and I've
I'm always correcting your work and I've never been to engineering school you
never been to engineering school you always correct my work from being right
always correct my work from being right to being wrong
to being wrong well there's always enough time to be
well there's always enough time to be secure okay you're on and what are we
secure okay you're on and what are we wagering if you're so cocky it doesn't
wagering if you're so cocky it doesn't matter since I'm going to win how about
matter since I'm going to win how about your house sure why not if I lose you
your house sure why not if I lose you can have my house if you lose I can have
can have my house if you lose I can have your house I don't have a house how
your house I don't have a house how about your speed boat uh no polo ponies
about your speed boat uh no polo ponies let me think no my God man what have you
let me think no my God man what have you been wasting your money on food well
been wasting your money on food well maybe you should cut back on the
maybe you should cut back on the calories that's how I got my summer home
calories that's how I got my summer home how about your car it's borrowed but
how about your car it's borrowed but yeah I guess that'd be okay
yeah I guess that'd be okay deal but you still need your ID to get
deal but you still need your ID to get in the building I'll be right back it's
in the building I'll be right back it's in the glove compartment look at the
in the glove compartment look at the time got to
time got to go you want to get in on the sports pool
go you want to get in on the sports pool what teams are playing doesn't matter
what teams are playing doesn't matter the winners are chosen by matching the
the winners are chosen by matching the scores to your randomly selected
scores to your randomly selected positions on a grid if it's random why
positions on a grid if it's random why does it matter what the scores are why
does it matter what the scores are why not forget the game and pick the winners
not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat so you prefer to play the
out of a hat so you prefer to play the Hat I can make that
happen for $1 you can draw from the hat and there are no random sports teams
and there are no random sports teams involved right just the way you like it
$1 it's a four that's all those there thanks for playing what was the winning
thanks for playing what was the winning number not four that's all you need to
number not four that's all you need to know did I hear some gambling going on
know did I hear some gambling going on here I want in well there's the sports
here I want in well there's the sports pool the Deadpool the awards pool and
pool the Deadpool the awards pool and the Dilbert
pool people are betting on me well most are betting against you you know if you
are betting against you you know if you bet against yourself you'll be covered
bet against yourself you'll be covered both ways I'm not betting what are the
both ways I'm not betting what are the odds 5 to one against I'll take the
odds 5 to one against I'll take the Dilbert pool the hats of suckers
game how much training do you think I need to be a security guard for one day
need to be a security guard for one day 6 months maybe a year a year all they do
6 months maybe a year a year all they do is stand there and say have a nice day
is stand there and say have a nice day it looks pretty easy it looks easy
it looks pretty easy it looks easy because they're so good at it if you try
because they're so good at it if you try to do that job without the proper
to do that job without the proper training you're dead meat dead meat is
training you're dead meat dead meat is redundant once something gets classified
redundant once something gets classified as meat it hardly ever recovers I've got
as meat it hardly ever recovers I've got a pork chop in the fridge that I'm
a pork chop in the fridge that I'm optimistic about he's a fighter do you
optimistic about he's a fighter do you have to argue with every single thing I
have to argue with every single thing I say no I don't have to it's my hobby I
say no I don't have to it's my hobby I can quit anytime I
can quit anytime I want I need to find a one-day training
want I need to find a one-day training course on how to be a security
course on how to be a security guard here we go learn the art of Office
guard here we go learn the art of Office security in one easy class taught by
security in one easy class taught by security guard Grandmaster Chu NE that
security guard Grandmaster Chu NE that sounds good the course includes sitting
sounds good the course includes sitting in a chair pointing toward the elevator
in a chair pointing toward the elevator shoing smokers away from the lobby
shoing smokers away from the lobby entrance and killing an intruder with
entrance and killing an intruder with your thumb does it have to be an
your thumb does it have to be an intruder because that could come in
intruder because that could come in handy that is absolutely the last time
handy that is absolutely the last time we CAU carpool together was it my
we CAU carpool together was it my singing because I don't have to do
singing because I don't have to do German Opera I make up the words so it
German Opera I make up the words so it can be any language you
like well if it isn't my old Nemesis the security
security guard don't make me use the thumb just
guard don't make me use the thumb just show me the badge and no one gets hurt
show me the badge and no one gets hurt okay
okay there's still time to get in the sports pool only $1 per square do you
sports pool only $1 per square do you take credit cards yes I do loud Howard
take credit cards yes I do loud Howard I've upgraded my operation this is a
I've upgraded my operation this is a good investment because I get airline
good investment because I get airline miles here is my brand new credit card
miles here is my brand new credit card it has a $10 limit a Shucks in for 10 no
it has a $10 limit a Shucks in for 10 no only five I charged some items at the
only five I charged some items at the drugstore earlier today never mind what
drugstore earlier today never mind what why would we care what you bought at the
why would we care what you bought at the drugstore nice try but my exciting life
drugstore nice try but my exciting life is none of your business my lips are
is none of your business my lips are sealed what else do you have to bet on I
sealed what else do you have to bet on I got the fever now I could deal some
got the fever now I could deal some poker until the boss gets here deal
them sorry I'm late but someone didn't let me clean my ears in the car this
let me clean my ears in the car this morning so my schedule's been off all
morning so my schedule's been off all day you asked to use my pen anyway
day you asked to use my pen anyway anyway the reason we're here is to
anyway the reason we're here is to select someone from the group to
select someone from the group to organize a career day for young girls
organize a career day for young girls who might want to be Engineers someday
who might want to be Engineers someday these girls need a role model someone
these girls need a role model someone who is feminine yet skilled at
who is feminine yet skilled at technology how about a shook he's not
technology how about a shook he's not technically a woman but he doesn't have
technically a woman but he doesn't have much upper body strength either one time
much upper body strength either one time I asked for help carrying a computer
I asked for help carrying a computer monitor one time calm down a shook I was
monitor one time calm down a shook I was thinking more along the lines of a real
thinking more along the lines of a real woman
I got a pair of fours if anyone beats that I'll rip off his head and spit down
that I'll rip off his head and spit down his
his neck
neck what you say you want to be security
what you say you want to be security guards but do you have the stamina the
guards but do you have the stamina the Courage the guts for the
Courage the guts for the [Music]
[Music] job now close your eyes and imagine you
job now close your eyes and imagine you have just been asked for directions to
have just been asked for directions to the
the elevator with your left hand
point in your final lesson you will learn how to kill a man with your thumb
learn how to kill a man with your thumb no I need a
no I need a volunteer you do realize he's going to
volunteer you do realize he's going to kill you with his thumb
oh so the student becomes the teacher not really I just thought that needed to
not really I just thought that needed to be clarified maybe you would like to see
be clarified maybe you would like to see how the thumb can kill a man I have to
how the thumb can kill a man I have to admit I'd like to see it I'm having some
admit I'd like to see it I'm having some trouble believing you can kill someone
trouble believing you can kill someone with a thumb you dare to mock me I have
with a thumb you dare to mock me I have attained three navy blue belts in Office
attained three navy blue belts in Office security I'm just saying it's hard to
security I'm just saying it's hard to believe a thumb silence or you will have
believe a thumb silence or you will have to deal with
me uh anybody want to get coffee as you know we need to build a
as you know we need to build a high-speed Communications link to our
high-speed Communications link to our Brazilian subsidiary any
Brazilian subsidiary any ideas fiber optic cable that would not
ideas fiber optic cable that would not be economical given the rough terrain
be economical given the rough terrain well then how about microwave relay
well then how about microwave relay stations on top of the hills no too hard
stations on top of the hills no too hard to get the maintenance Crews up the
to get the maintenance Crews up the hills how about you new
hills how about you new Dilbert
Dilbert well we could build helicopters from
well we could build helicopters from ordinary Parts found in our homes and
ordinary Parts found in our homes and fly buy the maintenance cruise up the
fly buy the maintenance cruise up the hills isn't that expensive only $25 a
piece I'm officer Dilbert here for the night shift nice to meet you officer
night shift nice to meet you officer Dilbert I'm
officer I've sat in some spirited chairs in my day but this one is the Devil
in my day but this one is the Devil Himself you are trained aren't you kind
Himself you are trained aren't you kind of God help you
of God help you son there's a garlic necklace under the
son there's a garlic necklace under the counter for when it gets dark garlic
counter for when it gets dark garlic keeps away the
keeps away the undead don't try eating a cross that
undead don't try eating a cross that don't
work I'm working security and looking good
good [Music]
[Music] how do they do that Moon walking it must
how do they do that Moon walking it must be special
be special effects well no problems yet and I've
effects well no problems yet and I've been a security guard for well
been a security guard for well over a minute
over a minute [Music]
we're so glad you're having this career day for our daughters Alice you're such
day for our daughters Alice you're such a good role model pick up your little
a good role model pick up your little monsters in an hour otherwise I'm going
monsters in an hour otherwise I'm going to feed them to the homeless she's got a
to feed them to the homeless she's got a great sense of
great sense of humor am I too early come back in an
hour halt I just came in to use the restroom restrooms are for employees
restroom restrooms are for employees only do you mind if I use the elevator
only do you mind if I use the elevator then no you may not use the
then no you may not use the elevator the man in the ill-fitting blue
elevator the man in the ill-fitting blue suit is Dilbert don't be like
him did you come down to keep me company I came for Casino KN Casino KN you might
I came for Casino KN Casino KN you might have the wrong building no I'm
have the wrong building no I'm infallible I don't know why you can't
infallible I don't know why you can't remember that maybe i' better come with
remember that maybe i' better come with you
okay girls this game is called craps cuz if you lose you can beat the crap out of
if you lose you can beat the crap out of w-e I could take those little
girls Mom gilber I thought so what all those years pretending to be an engineer
those years pretending to be an engineer it all makes sense now no it's not like
it all makes sense now no it's not like that what are you doing here this is an
that what are you doing here this is an illegal Casino I know isn't it wonderful
illegal Casino I know isn't it wonderful just this afternoon I found your
just this afternoon I found your collection of Susan B Anthony Dollars in
collection of Susan B Anthony Dollars in the basement I was ready to throw them
the basement I was ready to throw them away but then I heard about Wally's
away but then I heard about Wally's little vaget and here I am you're
little vaget and here I am you're gambling with my coin collection Yes
gambling with my coin collection Yes dear but I'm winning almost a third of
dear but I'm winning almost a third of the time and and anyway if you're
the time and and anyway if you're working security I think you've got
working security I think you've got bigger things to worry about I'll need
bigger things to worry about I'll need to see some fake ID I don't have any
to see some fake ID I don't have any fake ID but you plan to get some fake ID
fake ID but you plan to get some fake ID right give me that this is outrageous I
right give me that this is outrageous I want you all out of here this
want you all out of here this [Applause]
[Music] minute it's not so easy being a security
minute it's not so easy being a security guard is it
guard is it you I haven't lost this bet yet the
you I haven't lost this bet yet the night is young I've got hours to clear
night is young I've got hours to clear this up my mommy is coming to pick me up
this up my mommy is coming to pick me up in 30
in 30 minutes H BS remember the system face
minutes H BS remember the system face cards are plus one number cards are
cards are plus one number cards are minus one you're teaching her to count
minus one you're teaching her to count cards this is so wrong hey a shook look
cards this is so wrong hey a shook look over there it's a rewarding
over there it's a rewarding career where I don't see a rewarding
career where I don't see a rewarding career
career I'm good a shook look over there it's a
I'm good a shook look over there it's a woman who respects you despite your low
woman who respects you despite your low status and Tiny income where I don't see
status and Tiny income where I don't see a woman who respects me despite my low
a woman who respects me despite my low status and Tiny
status and Tiny income I'm good look a shook there's a
income I'm good look a shook there's a wall behind
wall behind [Music]
[Music] you what am I doing wrong you have 25
you what am I doing wrong you have 25 minutes before the moms get here and
minutes before the moms get here and you're fired for being an incompetent
you're fired for being an incompetent security
security guard I can hardly wait this is is not
guard I can hardly wait this is is not over my friend I've been in tighter
over my friend I've been in tighter spots than
spots than [Music]
[Music] this H I don't recognize this
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
Corridor are you finished I guess so good now where's the bathroom since when
good now where's the bathroom since when do zombies need bathrooms when they
do zombies need bathrooms when they drink 12
drink 12 [Music]
[Music] Beers I need an amp and some cable and
Beers I need an amp and some cable and I'm in
I'm in [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] business that should do
business that should do it 5 minutes to
spare attention all ille gamblers this is security leave the building
immediately attention attention leave the building now or else or else what
the building now or else or else what I'm still figuring that out but you can
I'm still figuring that out but you can be sure leave very very
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] bad 3 minutes
[Music] hey oh never
hey oh never [Music]
[Music] mind the garlic is my only
mind the garlic is my only [Music]
[Music] chance hello
chance hello ladies how are you how may I help you oh
ladies how are you how may I help you oh w we had Italian for dinner halt you
w we had Italian for dinner halt you can't go up there for reasons that are
can't go up there for reasons that are very very good but can't be succinctly
very very good but can't be succinctly [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
explained game's over everyone hit the [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
stairs fire [Music]
it's a serious crime to sit off a false alarm we suspect one of the street
alarm we suspect one of the street people I can't lie I did it I pulled the
people I can't lie I did it I pulled the alarm okay you're free to go what I
alarm okay you're free to go what I thought it was a serious crime you're
thought it was a serious crime you're part of the Brotherhood Brotherhood what
part of the Brotherhood Brotherhood what Brotherhood well you got your law
Brotherhood well you got your law enforcement and your safety Services BS
enforcement and your safety Services BS prison guards judges Armed Forces
prison guards judges Armed Forces including the coast good did we let the
including the coast good did we let the skyc caps in I missed the last meeting
skyc caps in I missed the last meeting yeah yeah me too did you hear if the
yeah yeah me too did you hear if the skyc Caps got in just barely the Walmart
skyc Caps got in just barely the Walmart Greers held out to the last boat how
Greers held out to the last boat how about engineers can they get
in I may not have won the bet but at least I didn't lose don't be so sure you
least I didn't lose don't be so sure you barely succeeded as a security guard but
barely succeeded as a security guard but the security guard has gotten aob as an
the security guard has gotten aob as an engineer at a better company he did very
engineer at a better company he did very well in the personal
interview what do you think you're doing I could have fallen into that hole well
I could have fallen into that hole well if it isn't Mr big shot security guard
if it isn't Mr big shot security guard with his fancy chair and his uniform all
with his fancy chair and his uniform all clean and sparkly thinks he knows my job
clean and sparkly thinks he knows my job better than I do how hard is it to put
better than I do how hard is it to put up some safety cone so people don't fall
up some safety cone so people don't fall into the open sewer maybe you think you
into the open sewer maybe you think you could do this job
this isn't so hard I could do this for one day rat Burt I can't stop I'm doing
one day rat Burt I can't stop I'm doing laps you call that the backstroke your
laps you call that the backstroke your arms are all wrong and you're not
arms are all wrong and you're not kicking right wow Mr big shot sewer
kicking right wow Mr big shot sewer worker thinks he can be a rat I'd like
worker thinks he can be a rat I'd like to see you do my job for one
day maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut
mouth shut [Music]
[Music] he
he [Music]
they are experts in merger news an alliance has been announced between the
alliance has been announced between the world's worst oil exploration company
world's worst oil exploration company and the world's largest funeral company
and the world's largest funeral company we spoke to the CEO of dry hole
we spoke to the CEO of dry hole Industries about the Synergy well as you
Industries about the Synergy well as you know the biggest expenses in the funeral
know the biggest expenses in the funeral business involve buying the land and
business involve buying the land and digging the holes well it occurred to me
digging the holes well it occurred to me that our company owns land that already
that our company owns land that already has holes in it that's how I plan to
has holes in it that's how I plan to bury you unless you have't objection as
bury you unless you have't objection as a matter of fact I do have an objection
a matter of fact I do have an objection not now you have to object after you're
not now you have to object after you're dead how can I object to anything after
dead how can I object to anything after I'm dead I recommend that you come back
I'm dead I recommend that you come back as a ghost and haunt the house for
as a ghost and haunt the house for eternity that'll be your signal that
eternity that'll be your signal that you're unhappy about the situation if I
you're unhappy about the situation if I haunted this house you'd turn it into a
haunted this house you'd turn it into a tourist attraction and sell tickets I'd
tourist attraction and sell tickets I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be
be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money oh like it's so hard to
making money oh like it's so hard to haunt the investment banking firm who
haunt the investment banking firm who arranged the merger received a fee of $1
arranged the merger received a fee of $1 billion for making a few phone calls and
billion for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings did you say the
attending some meetings did you say the investment banking firm that arranged
investment banking firm that arranged the merger received a fee of $1 billion
the merger received a fee of $1 billion she can't hear you yes that's exactly
she can't hear you yes that's exactly what I said wait a minute are you saying
what I said wait a minute are you saying you can hear what I say through the TV
you can hear what I say through the TV in other news Tom Kenny leader of the 60
in other news Tom Kenny leader of the 60 psychedelic band ubiquitous banana was
psychedelic band ubiquitous banana was found today exactly where he said he
found today exactly where he said he would be I think I just found my new
would be I think I just found my new career
[Laughter] [Music]
ch [Music]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] down
down [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
for reasons that I know longer try to Fathom customers keep buying our
Fathom customers keep buying our products thank goodness for the
products thank goodness for the inefficient distribution of consumer
inefficient distribution of consumer information now we're stuck with2
information now we're stuck with2 billion in cash and no strategy for
billion in cash and no strategy for using it does anyone have any ideas how
using it does anyone have any ideas how about giving raises to the people who
about giving raises to the people who work so hard to create all that cash
work so hard to create all that cash that would unfairly discriminate against
that would unfairly discriminate against those of us who did work hard if we
those of us who did work hard if we start rewarding lazy people like you the
start rewarding lazy people like you the whole system will break down oh that
whole system will break down oh that same argument was used years ago to deny
same argument was used years ago to deny women the right to vote are you
women the right to vote are you comparing your laziness to the woman's
comparing your laziness to the woman's suffrage movement there are many
suffrage movement there are many similarities name one women weren't
similarities name one women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote
allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote in both cases there's taxation without
in both cases there's taxation without representation that is the dumbest
representation that is the dumbest argument I've ever heard in my life
argument I've ever heard in my life bigot
bigot people does anyone have any idea how to
people does anyone have any idea how to invest the 20 billion I
invest the 20 billion I do how about a product that keeps your
do how about a product that keeps your feelings from vibrating out when you
feelings from vibrating out when you talk maybe I should hire a consultant to
talk maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea Consultants don't
come up with an idea Consultants don't come up with ideas they take the ideas
come up with ideas they take the ideas you already have and make them more
you already have and make them more confusing then they give you a huge bill
confusing then they give you a huge bill a huge bill would solve our excess money
a huge bill would solve our excess money problem excess money isn't a problem
problem excess money isn't a problem that money is causing us to be in this
that money is causing us to be in this meeting what do you call that uh-oh
meeting what do you call that uh-oh Wally starting to make sense we need to
Wally starting to make sense we need to get rid of that money fast why don't we
get rid of that money fast why don't we merge with a company that is less
merge with a company that is less dysfunctional than we are they could
dysfunctional than we are they could spend our money for us a merger H that
spend our money for us a merger H that might get us some
Synergy I didn't realize that Alice suffers from
suffers from kotobi I know what that
kotobi I know what that is no I don't it is the fear of synergy
is no I don't it is the fear of synergy well she better get over it we ran it up
well she better get over it we ran it up the flag pole and the ship sailed that's
the flag pole and the ship sailed that's a mix metaphor yeah so what's so bad
a mix metaphor yeah so what's so bad about that actually I don't know ah he
about that actually I don't know ah he who laughs last makes waste well I'm not
who laughs last makes waste well I'm not afraid of synergy I just think a merger
afraid of synergy I just think a merger is a bad idea do you have a better idea
is a bad idea do you have a better idea of course plow the surplus funds into
of course plow the surplus funds into R&D all right then the merger it
is my company needs help finding a merger partner I I hope that's the sort
merger partner I I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do because I
of thing investment bankers do because I asked at the mailboxes or us place and
asked at the mailboxes or us place and they just stared at me like I was some
they just stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot you came to the right
kind of an idiot you came to the right place my fee is 10% of the value of the
place my fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company what's your company
acquired company what's your company worth well we've got 20 billion in cash
worth well we've got 20 billion in cash and no liabilities unless you count the
and no liabilities unless you count the employees who we call our most valuable
employees who we call our most valuable assets 20 billion in Cash Plus the
assets 20 billion in Cash Plus the employees that comes out to about 15
employees that comes out to about 15 billion net so your fee would be 10% of
billion net so your fee would be 10% of 15 billion which
15 billion which is all one second we carry the three
is all one second we carry the three Square < TK of Pi $14 billion exactly
Square < TK of Pi $14 billion exactly can we start right away I'm anxious to
can we start right away I'm anxious to get some
Synergy I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of AEM merger I won't go
the first sign of AEM merger I won't go through Synergy again as usual Alice you
through Synergy again as usual Alice you are missing out on the opportunity of a
are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime I plan to implement project
lifetime I plan to implement project mosquito immediately what is Project
mosquito immediately what is Project mosquito that is where Wall-E takes
mosquito that is where Wall-E takes advantage of the management chaos and
advantage of the management chaos and sucks the stockholders dry much like a
sucks the stockholders dry much like a giant mosquito that sounds exactly like
giant mosquito that sounds exactly like project leech the one you've been doing
project leech the one you've been doing for the past 5 years I can see how that
for the past 5 years I can see how that would be
would be confusing the key to a successful merger
confusing the key to a successful merger is
synergy let's first discuss what makes this company special then I'll help you
this company special then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner we're
find the perfect merger partner we're poorly managed our boss ignores
poorly managed our boss ignores everything we say management is
everything we say management is completely deaf to the needs of the
completely deaf to the needs of the employees I've got a parking space right
employees I've got a parking space right next to the door it looks like a
next to the door it looks like a sidewalk but it's
not losers now let's think what kind of
losers now let's think what kind of companies would make the best merger
companies would make the best merger partner with a company full of losers
partner with a company full of losers perhaps a drug company who needs to test
perhaps a drug company who needs to test new products on human subjects
new products on human subjects we would be ideal because the scientists
we would be ideal because the scientists would not become emotionally attached to
us good anything else we could merge with a company that runs women's prisons
with a company that runs women's prisons I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my
I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle if they'll do my laundry prison
cubicle if they'll do my laundry prison bimbos we could merge with a company
bimbos we could merge with a company that makes chickens we sit around all
that makes chickens we sit around all day anyway might as well be sitting on
day anyway might as well be sitting on eggs how about an alternative fuel
eggs how about an alternative fuel company people produce a certain amount
company people produce a certain amount of methane gas every day just like every
of methane gas every day just like every other mammal we could be fueling cars
other mammal we could be fueling cars with that resource how exactly would we
with that resource how exactly would we be collecting this methane gas all day
be collecting this methane gas all day long I grant you the hose would be
long I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first but we get used
uncomfortable at first but we get used to it this might be harder than I
thought well if it isn't morak the preventor of Information Services and
preventor of Information Services and his little buddy Walter the budget man
his little buddy Walter the budget man Ming you seem unusually upbeat maybe you
Ming you seem unusually upbeat maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger
haven't heard of the upcoming merger merger but that would mean yes it's
merger but that would mean yes it's gloating time for engineers and when the
gloating time for engineers and when the Synergy gets you I will laugh the laugh
Synergy gets you I will laugh the laugh of the ep the well whatever it is that
of the ep the well whatever it is that laughs a lot at others misery without a
laughs a lot at others misery without a tinge of guilt ohuh maybe your hard
tinge of guilt ohuh maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza
drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade I don't need my computer anymore
upgrade I don't need my computer anymore I'm goofing off until the merger then
I'm goofing off until the merger then after the Synergy gets you I'll take
after the Synergy gets you I'll take both of your computers for my own
both of your computers for my own I will cut your budget so fast your head
I will cut your budget so fast your head will
will spin you're powerless no one will listen
spin you're powerless no one will listen to your budget recommendations now
to your budget recommendations now managers are all Paralyzed by the merger
managers are all Paralyzed by the merger rumors
rumors Synergy this might be the best year of
Synergy this might be the best year of my life it's time to take a page from
my life it's time to take a page from female dating techniques also known as
female dating techniques also known as the old baiton switch where are we going
the old baiton switch where are we going there's a little bar I know where CEOs
there's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out it's a real meat market for
hang out it's a real meat market for mergers I like meat did you know that
mergers I like meat did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat Bo
cows are made almost entirely of meat Bo yeah and you can make pudding from the
yeah and you can make pudding from the Hooves tonight it's best if you don't do
Hooves tonight it's best if you don't do much talking CEOs like to do business
much talking CEOs like to do business with people who aren't quite so strong
with people who aren't quite so strong willed yeah that's it tell me again what
willed yeah that's it tell me again what I'm supposed to do you're supposed to
I'm supposed to do you're supposed to act like you work for a competent
act like you work for a competent company long enough to get a CEO excited
company long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you what's Dilbert
about merging with you what's Dilbert going to do I'm wondering that myself
going to do I'm wondering that myself bilbert will appear to be interested in
bilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you you'll seem more
merging with you you'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs if they
attractive to the other CEOs if they think someone else wants you I suddenly
think someone else wants you I suddenly feel mildly nauseated is it my cologne
feel mildly nauseated is it my cologne [Music]
[Music] I haven't seen you here before take me
I haven't seen you here before take me dear God merge with me now uh I just
dear God merge with me now uh I just remembered I I have to merge with
remembered I I have to merge with someone else tonight I have to go now
someone else tonight I have to go now nice going thanks was I Charming enough
nice going thanks was I Charming enough you sounded needy try revealing a little
you sounded needy try revealing a little less remember bait then switch I
less remember bait then switch I panicked I felt my financial clock
panicked I felt my financial clock ticking hey there there what's your
ticking hey there there what's your ticker symbol it's ow bait then switch
ticker symbol it's ow bait then switch right I'd rather not say what my ticker
right I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is can't we just be strategic
symbol is can't we just be strategic Partners well aren't you the mysterious
Partners well aren't you the mysterious one I'll bet you're an internet company
one I'll bet you're an internet company aren't you maybe maybe not you little
aren't you maybe maybe not you little corporate
corporate teas I want to merge with you right here
teas I want to merge with you right here right now I never swap stock on the
right now I never swap stock on the first meeting and how about your friend
first meeting and how about your friend huh he looks like he might be into a
huh he looks like he might be into a little m& I don't know what that means
little m& I don't know what that means but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd
but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd never merged before and you were the
never merged before and you were the last company on Earth who needs to merge
last company on Earth who needs to merge with you I can crank up my own stock
with you I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares I've done
price by repurchasing shares I've done it before and I can do it
it before and I can do it [Music]
again what' I do wrong that time yeah sometimes you have to kiss a lot of of
sometimes you have to kiss a lot of of frogs before you find your prince oh
frogs before you find your prince oh yeah I know exactly what you
mean have you ever noticed that when you kiss the frogs their tongues taste like
flies last call is this one I get desperate you've got two more
chances yeah don't bother he merges with everyone his price is
cheap haven't we merged [Music]
before I'd like you to meet our merer partner the CEO of brain suck Industries
partner the CEO of brain suck Industries his name
his name [Music]
[Music] is did I get that right perfect you
is did I get that right perfect you might have heard of brain suck
might have heard of brain suck Industries in the trade press they're a
Industries in the trade press they're a company that mysteriously only came into
company that mysteriously only came into existence yesterday but they are taking
existence yesterday but they are taking the industry by storm aren't they the
the industry by storm aren't they the ones who merge with companies and then
ones who merge with companies and then ingest the brains of the acquired
ingest the brains of the acquired company via their long snoots IE synergy
company via their long snoots IE synergy where is everyone today what have you
where is everyone today what have you done with everyone tibert my man chill
done with everyone tibert my man chill Alice is in a company stress reduction
Alice is in a company stress reduction program Wally has been back into Human
program Wally has been back into Human Resources oh yeah what about loud Howard
Resources oh yeah what about loud Howard he's being stored in a soundproof
he's being stored in a soundproof container in the closet until after the
container in the closet until after the merger we don't want to Spook anyone I
merger we don't want to Spook anyone I hope he has air holes well now that
hope he has air holes well now that wouldn't be very soundproof what it
[Music] mouth well then where is everyone else
mouth well then where is everyone else calm down they were giv the day
calm down they were giv the day off you'll be given the day off but the
off you'll be given the day off but the day will never end it will go on
forever H sorry I missed that I find myself in need of a new troll to
I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door why don't you hire another
guard my door why don't you hire another one well I would but they all know about
one well I would but they all know about our pending merger no one wants to work
our pending merger no one wants to work in an administrative job those are the
in an administrative job those are the first ones cut during the uh Synergy
first ones cut during the uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm an
phase that's why I'm glad I'm an engineer yes yes you were an engineer
engineer yes yes you were an engineer what I'm changing your job title to Door
what I'm changing your job title to Door watching troll effective immediately but
watching troll effective immediately but then the Synergy will get me well not
then the Synergy will get me well not just you I'll offer to fire all my staff
just you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I can keep my own job that sort of
so I can keep my own job that sort of loyalty is always
loyalty is always [Music]
rewarded who wishes to see Mr Cat bur the evil Director of Human Resources
the evil Director of Human Resources well well well the stories are true I
well well well the stories are true I might be wrong but I think the job of
might be wrong but I think the job of door troll is Administrative this is a
door troll is Administrative this is a highly skilled position troll get the
highly skilled position troll get the [Music]
[Music] rig I just have to imagine I'm looking
rig I just have to imagine I'm looking for gold with a metal
detector the funny thing is I don't even like my co-workers that much so why do I
like my co-workers that much so why do I miss them when they're gone I miss you
miss them when they're gone I miss you when you're gone but you like me I don't
when you're gone but you like me I don't know where you got that idea you don't
know where you got that idea you don't like me I have very high standards
like me I have very high standards that's why I like you I like you too dog
that's why I like you I like you too dog bird you have to like me you're my
bird you have to like me you're my mother I don't believe I signed any
mother I don't believe I signed any contract to that effect unless they slip
contract to that effect unless they slip me something when I was giving birth
me something when I was giving birth that'll never stand up in court we
that'll never stand up in court we tolerate you largely for the
tolerate you largely for the entertainment value do you remember the
entertainment value do you remember the time I ironed poison ivy into his
time I ironed poison ivy into his underpants before his high school
underpants before his high school [Laughter]
[Laughter] graduation okay so you don't like me but
graduation okay so you don't like me but you do love me right yes I do love you
you do love me right yes I do love you because you're family that's the same
because you're family that's the same reason you miss your co-workers my
reason you miss your co-workers my co-workers are not family oh really
co-workers are not family oh really think about it your boss is like the
think about it your boss is like the father who left when you were little
father who left when you were little Alice and Wall-E are like the brother
Alice and Wall-E are like the brother and sister you never had loud Howard is
and sister you never had loud Howard is like the annoying Uncle who always
like the annoying Uncle who always embarrasses you and asuk the intern is
embarrasses you and asuk the intern is like your own son that is the most
like your own son that is the most appalling Theory I have ever heard I'm
appalling Theory I have ever heard I'm going
home uh hello you could say that since when do garbage men make house calls
when do garbage men make house calls since always you just have to ask I'd be
since always you just have to ask I'd be afraid to leave my door unlocked all day
afraid to leave my door unlocked all day I have a master key to every house I use
I have a master key to every house I use my house key all the locks in this town
my house key all the locks in this town are the same but don't spread it around
are the same but don't spread it around I
I won't can I ask you a question you mean
won't can I ask you a question you mean can I ask you two questions fine is it
can I ask you two questions fine is it possible that my co-workers are like
possible that my co-workers are like some sort of bizarre dysfunctional
some sort of bizarre dysfunctional family to me it's not just possible it's
family to me it's not just possible it's mandatory mandatory the brain is wired
mandatory mandatory the brain is wired that way your mind organizes the people
that way your mind organizes the people around you into family roles like it or
around you into family roles like it or not they are your family this merger is
not they are your family this merger is breaking up my family unless you stop
breaking up my family unless you stop it you replace the plastic bags not
it you replace the plastic bags not usually today is bag
day who wishes to see Mr catbert the evil Director of Human Resources Wally
evil Director of Human Resources Wally it's me Dilbert your brother I mean I
it's me Dilbert your brother I mean I mean your coworker I have no co-workers
mean your coworker I have no co-workers I'm just a door guarding troll after the
I'm just a door guarding troll after the mercher I'll be an un employed guy whose
mercher I'll be an un employed guy whose last job was a door guarding troll hang
last job was a door guarding troll hang in there Wally I'm going to stop this
in there Wally I'm going to stop this merger how the truth will set us
merger how the truth will set us free these cubicles are our marketing
free these cubicles are our marketing department if these people don't scare
department if these people don't scare you into canceling the merger nothing
you into canceling the merger nothing will hey there dilman who's your
friend that is quite a handshake you got there big guy well I'll see you back at
there big guy well I'll see you back at the ranch
the ranch what the hell did you do to him we'll
what the hell did you do to him we'll never complete this merger if you kill
never complete this merger if you kill the
the CEO this is what wrecked the Roswell
CEO this is what wrecked the Roswell merger all I did was take him to
merger all I did was take him to marketing he stuck his snout in some
marketing he stuck his snout in some people's ears and now he's acting like
people's ears and now he's acting like this take him back to his office quick
this take him back to his office quick we don't want him dying over here and
we don't want him dying over here and ruining our safety record
[Music] [Applause]
let's get the staff meeting going first an update Dilbert killed the CEO of the
an update Dilbert killed the CEO of the only company willing to acquire us so
only company willing to acquire us so the merger is off I'm the one who told
the merger is off I'm the one who told you that settle down we're trying to
you that settle down we're trying to have a meeting here I'm the only person
have a meeting here I'm the only person here who isn't engulfed in someone
here who isn't engulfed in someone else's mouth or unconscious and you're
else's mouth or unconscious and you're giving me updates that I gave you 10
giving me updates that I gave you 10 minutes ago no side conversations during
minutes ago no side conversations during the meeting
the meeting please item two Wally is being
please item two Wally is being transferred back to engineering w-e
transferred back to engineering w-e you're back give me five go sorry item
you're back give me five go sorry item three Alice has decided to stay in her
three Alice has decided to stay in her job look what happens when I don't show
job look what happens when I don't show up for one
day I feel like we're one big dysfunctional family again what anyone
dysfunctional family again what anyone like to hug
[Music] Oh you mean each other no thank you does
Oh you mean each other no thank you does anyone have any new business to discuss
anyone have any new business to discuss I do you know I was thinking about it
I do you know I was thinking about it and although the merger idea didn't work
and although the merger idea didn't work out it's not a bad idea in
out it's not a bad idea in concept maybe we should give it one more
concept maybe we should give it one more try
and I'm sorry the merger got called off I guess you lost your $4 billion
I guess you lost your $4 billion Investment Banking fee you guess wrong I
Investment Banking fee you guess wrong I rushed the paperwork through as soon as
rushed the paperwork through as soon as I heard you were with their CEO on tour
I heard you were with their CEO on tour what are you going to do with $14
what are you going to do with $14 billion I'm investing it in a foreign
concern greetings citizens of Orlan 6 we bring you synergy
[Music] he
he [Music]
dear uncle or Aunt sbert my name is petronic FL dominates I thank you so
petronic FL dominates I thank you so much for being my foster parent life in
much for being my foster parent life in alonia has become so much better since
alonia has become so much better since you began sending your 87 cents a week I
you began sending your 87 cents a week I now have a shoe and my vision has
now have a shoe and my vision has returned to look upon the beautiful mud
returned to look upon the beautiful mud of my home land hopefully one day you
of my home land hopefully one day you can visit me when the cheze one flood
can visit me when the cheze one flood famine volcanic eruptions plague or War
famine volcanic eruptions plague or War has/ have ended love
has/ have ended love Petr Petr your food problem may be over
Petr Petr your food problem may be over sooner than you
think I'll start with a cup of coffee you're going to have to make your own
you're going to have to make your own breakfast today I'm busy inventing a
breakfast today I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant that could end world
hybrid food plant that could end world hunger forever mhm that's fascinating
hunger forever mhm that's fascinating I'll have two fried strips of the new
I'll have two fried strips of the new thing with hash browns and
thing with hash browns and coffee do you think banging your mug is
coffee do you think banging your mug is going to
going to work this is not a
diner okay go back to becoming famous with your new food inent ition I'm not
with your new food inent ition I'm not doing this to become famous though I
doing this to become famous though I admit that may be an unavoidable
admit that may be an unavoidable consequence of coming up with the
consequence of coming up with the greatest Improvement in food production
greatest Improvement in food production since Squanto Santo he showed the
since Squanto Santo he showed the pilgrims that if you put a fish in the
pilgrims that if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds it
ground with your corn seeds it fertilizes the
fertilizes the plant how do you know Squanto wasn't
plant how do you know Squanto wasn't trying to grow a fish tree maybe he was
trying to grow a fish tree maybe he was too lazy to dig his own
too lazy to dig his own hole dogbert what I'm working on here
hole dogbert what I'm working on here may once and for all put the lie to the
may once and for all put the lie to the malthusian imperative and Save Humanity
malthusian imperative and Save Humanity from the Grim Prospect of a foodless
from the Grim Prospect of a foodless future put the what to who and save who
future put the what to who and save who from what what I've come up with is a
from what what I've come up with is a nutritious High bread that will feed
nutritious High bread that will feed millions of people for pennies a day do
millions of people for pennies a day do you want to see it only if it goes good
you want to see it only if it goes good with jelly I inserted the DNA from a
with jelly I inserted the DNA from a prize-winning Norwegian cow into the
prize-winning Norwegian cow into the nucleus of a tomato seed then I made it
nucleus of a tomato seed then I made it rectangular so you can stack them more
rectangular so you can stack them more efficiently part meat par tomato I call
efficiently part meat par tomato I call it the tomato
do you want to be the first to eat it yeah that depends on the Alternatives is
yeah that depends on the Alternatives is it too late to dig up Santo's
it too late to dig up Santo's fish maybe we should test it on someone
fish maybe we should test it on someone Expendable first rat bird
we thought you should eat first for once oh now this is more like it you're
oh now this is more like it you're finally treating me like a member of the
finally treating me like a member of the family
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
comments people this is perhaps the most
people this is perhaps the most revolting food item I have ever
revolting food item I have ever encountered it actually frightens me
encountered it actually frightens me it's so unappealing on so many levels
it's so unappealing on so many levels it's hard to know what to criticize
it's hard to know what to criticize first it's like Wall-E except small
first it's like Wall-E except small enough to flush down the toilet thank
enough to flush down the toilet thank God for my oversized head I think it's
God for my oversized head I think it's creepy Is it
creepy Is it alive if you tried to put this thing on
alive if you tried to put this thing on the market you'd be out of business in a
the market you'd be out of business in a week now that is
definitely not what we're looking for wait a minute you're going to dismiss
wait a minute you're going to dismiss the Tomo because it's unattractive sound
the Tomo because it's unattractive sound reasoning for my Purge dby but it's a
reasoning for my Purge dby but it's a perfect food source for third world
perfect food source for third world countries it contains all the vitamins
countries it contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary to sustain an
and minerals necessary to sustain an adult it grows anywhere it doesn't need
adult it grows anywhere it doesn't need Refrigeration two words dby ugly what
Refrigeration two words dby ugly what does that have to do with anything I
does that have to do with anything I know for a fact that there's a market
know for a fact that there's a market for this no offense dill weed but what
for this no offense dill weed but what you Engineers know about marketing could
you Engineers know about marketing could fit inside the very small opening on a
fit inside the very small opening on a very small thing well put what about
very small thing well put what about elbonia there's a famine in elbonia
elbonia there's a famine in elbonia until CNN has a name for it like famine
until CNN has a name for it like famine in alonia it's not really happening who
in alonia it's not really happening who are we to impose our way of life upon
are we to impose our way of life upon another culture I'm pretty sure that
another culture I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat suppose we
every culture likes to eat suppose we discovered an entire nation of
discovered an entire nation of supermodels what then that is the
supermodels what then that is the dumbest hypothetical question I have
dumbest hypothetical question I have ever heard people always say that when
ever heard people always say that when I'm winning the argument if I could
I'm winning the argument if I could interrupt here and I know I can I'm
interrupt here and I know I can I'm hearing some good news here for the old
hearing some good news here for the old torpedo toito whoa easy Norbert now this
torpedo toito whoa easy Norbert now this alonia it's not in America right your
alonia it's not in America right your guess is as good as mine possibly better
guess is as good as mine possibly better because I try to make all my guesses
because I try to make all my guesses rhyme anyway we could grow these crap
rhyme anyway we could grow these crap berries in elbonia then bring them back
berries in elbonia then bring them back as an exotic Import Specialty food you
as an exotic Import Specialty food you know the kind you give to other people
know the kind you give to other people when you can't think of a real
when you can't think of a real gift huh a basket of Norwegian sour
mates I don't see why I have to go down to accounting to increase the travel
to accounting to increase the travel budget just for a trip to elbonia I know
budget just for a trip to elbonia I know it seems like a form of arbitrary
it seems like a form of arbitrary punishment but but what
uh who do I speak to about increasing my travel budget travel budget travel
travel budget travel budget travel budget who do you think you are I think
budget who do you think you are I think I'm someone traveling to elbonia on
I'm someone traveling to elbonia on business do you have any proof proof
business do you have any proof proof since when do we need proof to do our
since when do we need proof to do our jobs do you think we just give out money
jobs do you think we just give out money to anyone who asked for it do I look
to anyone who asked for it do I look like Santa Claus to you no you look like
like Santa Claus to you no you look like some sort of hideous creature thank you
some sort of hideous creature thank you because that's the look I'm going for
because that's the look I'm going for what if I just go on the trip and then
what if I just go on the trip and then submit carefully documented receipts
submit carefully documented receipts when I return and what if you never
when I return and what if you never return I'll leave explicit instructions
return I'll leave explicit instructions for the executor of my will to file my
for the executor of my will to file my receipts very
well sign here [Music]
I approve your request to use your personal airline miles to pay for this
personal airline miles to pay for this trip what you really should read the
trip what you really should read the fine
print it's nice having visitors [Music]
so where's all the famine let's ask excuse me can you direct us to the
ask excuse me can you direct us to the famine stricken parts of
famine stricken parts of elonia what is fam the food shortages
elonia what is fam the food shortages the hunger crisis I don't know what
the hunger crisis I don't know what you're talking about we have no hunger
you're talking about we have no hunger here I myself ate four meals already
here I myself ate four meals already today yes of mud have you tasted it no
today yes of mud have you tasted it no thanks hey chocolate not just chocolate
thanks hey chocolate not just chocolate nutritious nonfattening and obviously
nutritious nonfattening and obviously abandoned maybe this was a mistake
abandoned maybe this was a mistake they're eating mud w-e mud obviously
they're eating mud w-e mud obviously they're in denial um can you tell me
they're in denial um can you tell me where this picture was taken yes that is
where this picture was taken yes that is petrunic blast Domin the richest man in
petrunic blast Domin the richest man in elbonia his Mansion is one mile in that
elbonia his Mansion is one mile in that direction I think you're confused this
direction I think you're confused this is my foster child I send him 87 cents a
is my foster child I send him 87 cents a week yeah you and about a billion other
week yeah you and about a billion other people
isn't that a sight Wally the muddy Plains of elbonia being transformed into
Plains of elbonia being transformed into vibrant fields of Tomos yeah great uh
vibrant fields of Tomos yeah great uh can we go back to the hotel I don't feel
can we go back to the hotel I don't feel like I'm on a business trip until I poet
like I'm on a business trip until I poet the little
shampoos hey check it out it's a cornucopia salads soups meat fish
cornucopia salads soups meat fish poultry look at the footnote it says all
poultry look at the footnote it says all food is made out of elboni in mud I'm
food is made out of elboni in mud I'm not a fussy eater like you and in a late
not a fussy eater like you and in a late breaking story another 5,000 ethnic
breaking story another 5,000 ethnic elbonian decided to leave the country
elbonian decided to leave the country today since there is no difference
today since there is no difference between ethnic and non-ethnic elbonian
between ethnic and non-ethnic elbonian we have no idea why what else is on
we have no idea why what else is on let's see and welcome back to elbonian
let's see and welcome back to elbonian Monday Night Football here's the opening
[Applause] kickoff and that's the game final score
kickoff and that's the game final score elbonian mman zero elbonian chicken
elbonian mman zero elbonian chicken hawks zero that was exciting I had money
hawks zero that was exciting I had money on that
on that game coming up next elonian Baywatch
game coming up next elonian Baywatch Gilbert would you mind leaving for a
Gilbert would you mind leaving for a little while I have trouble watching
little while I have trouble watching Baywatch with someone else in the
Baywatch with someone else in the [Applause]
[Applause] room did you hear that yeah you really
room did you hear that yeah you really ought to stretch
ought to stretch more wow that was fast
more wow that was fast [Music]
experts are holding the Tomo responsible for plunging elbonia into the worst
for plunging elbonia into the worst famine ever it's the Tomo's fault it's a
famine ever it's the Tomo's fault it's a freak of nature meat and fruit who ever
freak of nature meat and fruit who ever heard of such a thing it has sucked all
heard of such a thing it has sucked all the nutritional value out of our
the nutritional value out of our delicious elbonian mud now it tastes
delicious elbonian mud now it tastes like
like mud it's inedible it smells bad although
mud it's inedible it smells bad although I do admit it Stacks nicely The elbonian
I do admit it Stacks nicely The elbonian Exodus has begun as hungry elbonian seek
Exodus has begun as hungry elbonian seek refuge in neighboring countries while
refuge in neighboring countries while starving elbonian Who Remain are
starving elbonian Who Remain are resorting to Desperate
Measures this is the most delicious Hotel I've ever eaten
Hotel I've ever eaten [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] we've got to find poor little petrunic
we've got to find poor little petrunic he must be so frightened and
he must be so frightened and helpless do you know where this picture
helpless do you know where this picture was
was taken
[Music] purists I love you
do you love me too yeah you got 5 minutes what do you
too yeah you got 5 minutes what do you want first of all you lied to me I
want first of all you lied to me I thought you were a starving child not an
thought you were a starving child not an elbonian fat cat although I must admit
elbonian fat cat although I must admit you've done an excellent job investing
you've done an excellent job investing my 87 cents per week thank you second I
my 87 cents per week thank you second I came here to help elbonia with the
came here to help elbonia with the Advent of the Tomato crop but it hasn't
Advent of the Tomato crop but it hasn't worked out that way instead of
worked out that way instead of stabilizing and stable country I've
stabilizing and stable country I've destabilized a stable one so like just
destabilized a stable one so like just the opposite yes so what do you want me
the opposite yes so what do you want me to do about it besides laugh huh well
to do about it besides laugh huh well admittedly the Tomato tastes like wet
admittedly the Tomato tastes like wet suede but it looks good and stacks well
suede but it looks good and stacks well so well as a food product it's a total
so well as a food product it's a total loser but think about it the Tomo would
loser but think about it the Tomo would make a great lightweight Building
make a great lightweight Building Material you could rebuild the
Material you could rebuild the infrastructure create employment
infrastructure create employment encourage trade and jump start the the
encourage trade and jump start the the economy but the Tomato isn't a building
economy but the Tomato isn't a building material let me taste
it it is now how much is this going to cost me you can underwrite the entire
cost me you can underwrite the entire reconstruction for a buck
reconstruction for a buck 35 so then I convinced petrunic that the
35 so then I convinced petrunic that the Tomato could be profitable as a building
Tomato could be profitable as a building material good work Wally when you get
material good work Wally when you get back remind me which one you are you got
back remind me which one you are you got it and remind me why you went over there
it and remind me why you went over there and what you did I will and while you're
and what you did I will and while you're at it maybe you can tell me who the hell
at it maybe you can tell me who the hell I am I'll see what I can do oh will I
I am I'll see what I can do oh will I get some sort of non-monetary award I'll
get some sort of non-monetary award I'll see what we have in the lost and
found you owe me big [Music]
[Music] time gee I wonder if these tomoes have
time gee I wonder if these tomoes have been kept in a temperature controlled
been kept in a temperature controlled Warehouse why
Warehouse why have you ever seen what happens to a
have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun those tomes are
dead camel in the sun those tomes are now half rancid meat and there's always
now half rancid meat and there's always the issue of the inherent fertilizer
the issue of the inherent fertilizer that I added what are you
saying it gives me great pleasure nothing disgusting or obscene in any way
nothing disgusting or obscene in any way but great pleasure nonetheless to
but great pleasure nonetheless to present Wally with this nonmonetary
present Wally with this nonmonetary award don't put it on w-e remember
award don't put it on w-e remember remember if the glove fits you must
remember if the glove fits you must quit am I the only one here who sees the
quit am I the only one here who sees the logic of that I'm not going to wear it
logic of that I'm not going to wear it aook I'm putting it in my awards trophy
aook I'm putting it in my awards trophy case with the tube sock and the oh I
case with the tube sock and the oh I guess it's just the two things it is my
guess it's just the two things it is my dream that someday I will win something
dream that someday I will win something from the lost and found box I've got my
from the lost and found box I've got my eye on a little black comb calm down
eye on a little black comb calm down everyone there are enough non-monetary
everyone there are enough non-monetary incentives for all of you
glove you think this is too ostentatious I mean it's a lot for one person it's
I mean it's a lot for one person it's fine look we have to do something about
fine look we have to do something about elbonia I don't know if I win another
elbonia I don't know if I win another award I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to
award I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to relate to the little people Wally I
relate to the little people Wally I uh-oh it's happening already I can't
uh-oh it's happening already I can't relate to
relate to you in the news elbonian strongman
you in the news elbonian strongman petrunic FL dominat has successfully
petrunic FL dominat has successfully used the threat of deploying longrange
used the threat of deploying longrange Tomo based weapons including the Tomo
Tomo based weapons including the Tomo bomb to extort neighboring countries
bomb to extort neighboring countries Just for kicks managing to jumpstart the
Just for kicks managing to jumpstart the once robust economy of nent superpower
once robust economy of nent superpower elbonia uh-oh didn't you win the Nobel
elbonia uh-oh didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one Oppenheimer no I
glove for that one Oppenheimer no I didn't nice job it's not a exactly what
didn't nice job it's not a exactly what I had in mind oh yes it is you wanted to
I had in mind oh yes it is you wanted to end Hunger in elbonia with tomito now
end Hunger in elbonia with tomito now that they're being used as Weapons you
that they're being used as Weapons you will congratulations I think you're a
will congratulations I think you're a strong candidate for the Congressional
strong candidate for the Congressional used handkerchief of Honor if we could
used handkerchief of Honor if we could only get them to eat the Tomo rather
only get them to eat the Tomo rather than use it as a weapon you are a
dreamer people of elbonia we must cease using the Tomo as a
using the Tomo as a weapon perhaps you misunderstood me I
weapon perhaps you misunderstood me I said the tomito was not designed and
said the tomito was not designed and should not be used as a weapon did you
should not be used as a weapon did you say the Tomo should not be used as a
say the Tomo should not be used as a weapon
weapon yes I think we need
yes I think we need backup drop the Dil Mom repeat drop the
backup drop the Dil Mom repeat drop the Dil mom
Dil mom [Music]
what can my mom do uh who has the longest track record in the world for
longest track record in the world for making people eat things that taste like
making people eat things that taste like crap good thinking it's time for cooking
crap good thinking it's time for cooking with Dilma here's your host Dilma today
with Dilma here's your host Dilma today we will prepare the succulent tomato I
we will prepare the succulent tomato I know I know it tastes like crap but hear
know I know it tastes like crap but hear me out a common error people make in the
me out a common error people make in the preparation of the tomato is in treating
preparation of the tomato is in treating it like a vegetable instead of what it
it like a vegetable instead of what it is half meat half tomato which
is half meat half tomato which incidentally is a fruit not a vegetable
incidentally is a fruit not a vegetable as with any meat you have to thoroughly
as with any meat you have to thoroughly disguise it before anyone will want to
disguise it before anyone will want to eat it first you slice it then you burn
eat it first you slice it then you burn it over a fire until you can't tell what
it over a fire until you can't tell what it was originally what about the taste
it was originally what about the taste The Taste comes from the seasonings does
The Taste comes from the seasonings does anyone have ketchup
[Music] it is delicious it tastes like ketchup
it is delicious it tastes like ketchup this is very impressive but our alboni
this is very impressive but our alboni and mud hasn't been the same since
and mud hasn't been the same since Dilbert rendered it inedible with his
Dilbert rendered it inedible with his agricultural bondle that wouldn't be the
agricultural bondle that wouldn't be the first time does anyone have any vanilla
first time does anyone have any vanilla bean extract
it it is delicious let us lay down our Tomatoes of mass destruction and lift up
Tomatoes of mass destruction and lift up our Tomatoes of peace and plenty and
our Tomatoes of peace and plenty and return ourselves to the backward and
return ourselves to the backward and inconsequential country we once
inconsequential country we once [Applause]
[Applause] were it worked
were it worked yes I suppose you're off the hook
yes I suppose you're off the hook instead of being known as the father of
instead of being known as the father of the tomito bomb you'll return to your
the tomito bomb you'll return to your former status as an anonymous cubicle
former status as an anonymous cubicle dweller I'll take
dweller I'll take it she still has the magic I remember
it she still has the magic I remember one time she convinced me to eat a whole
one time she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-Doh that wasn't her that was
can of Play-Doh that wasn't her that was me no I remember distinctly she called
me no I remember distinctly she called from the pay phone and said dinner would
from the pay phone and said dinner would be late so I should start in on the
be late so I should start in on the Play-Doh did it sound like this dillbert
Play-Doh did it sound like this dillbert I'll be home late why don't you see how
I'll be home late why don't you see how much Play-Doh you can
eat as luck would have it we found another glove to give out as a
another glove to give out as a non-monetary award this one goes to loud
non-monetary award this one goes to loud Howard oh yes that glove will go
Howard oh yes that glove will go perfectly with my
perfectly with my other
other oh and last but not least yet far from
oh and last but not least yet far from most somewhere in the lower middle range
most somewhere in the lower middle range we have for Dilbert a lovely baggie that
we have for Dilbert a lovely baggie that once held a
sandwich thank you you know it's funny on the inside of
you you know it's funny on the inside of my trophy case a sock and a glove while
my trophy case a sock and a glove while on the outside this rag destined to
on the outside this rag destined to clean the dust from the other objects
clean the dust from the other objects huh there's such a fine line between
huh there's such a fine line between dust rag and valuable trophy at least at
dust rag and valuable trophy at least at least my award wasn't on someone's
least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot are you saying your one
smelly foot are you saying your one non-monetary award is better than my two
non-monetary award is better than my two non-monetary awards no I'm not saying
non-monetary awards no I'm not saying that good I'm saying it's better than
that good I'm saying it's better than the
the sock you take that
back those non-monetary incentives really get their energy up I must
really get their energy up I must remember to get one of myself this came
remember to get one of myself this came for you
for you [Music]
[Music] W I love you
Dilbert so good to see you you simply must disturb us more
must disturb us more often actually I'm trying to sleep which
often actually I'm trying to sleep which is what normal people do at 3:00 in the
is what normal people do at 3:00 in the morning normal people oh how Dreadful
morning normal people oh how Dreadful which brings me to my point your wind
which brings me to my point your wind chimes are making so much noise I can't
chimes are making so much noise I can't go to sleep ah we got those on a trip to
go to sleep ah we got those on a trip to the Congo it was the Canary Islands dear
the Congo it was the Canary Islands dear well I didn't see any canaries but they
well I didn't see any canaries but they could have been hiding they'll do
could have been hiding they'll do that it doesn't matter where you got
that it doesn't matter where you got them can you please keep the noise down
them can you please keep the noise down well it's not us dear it's the wind you
well it's not us dear it's the wind you can't own the wind son I learned that in
can't own the wind son I learned that in the aie outback look I'm begging you all
the aie outback look I'm begging you all day long I have to listen to my
day long I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss my yammering
pointy-haired boss my yammering co-workers the traffic the phone ringing
co-workers the traffic the phone ringing and my computer beeping at me but
and my computer beeping at me but knowing I can return to the quiet of my
knowing I can return to the quiet of my home that little bit of comfort allows
home that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity it's my
me to cling to my sanity it's my Fortress of Solitude I thought only
Fortress of Solitude I thought only Superman had a Fortress of Solitude are
Superman had a Fortress of Solitude are you comparing yourself to Superman
you comparing yourself to Superman rather cheeky I should think please the
rather cheeky I should think please the Windchimes would you take them down yes
Windchimes would you take them down yes yes we'll take care of it we always
yes we'll take care of it we always comply with our neighbors especially the
comply with our neighbors especially the ones who have superpowers
did you see thank you
what is it now is the Moonlight bouncing off our house and hurting you in some
off our house and hurting you in some way you're playing conga drums and
way you're playing conga drums and singing at 3:15 in the morning it seems
singing at 3:15 in the morning it seems the list of things you don't like is
the list of things you don't like is growing by the minute please could you
growing by the minute please could you keep the noise down for three more hours
keep the noise down for three more hours that's all I
ask look ly it's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe
in Zimbabwe I thought it would never
[Music] come well that means he's got to
go hey hey get him away from my lawn stop it shoot he is a nervous fellow yes
stop it shoot he is a nervous fellow yes he should try to get more sleep oh
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [ __ ]
[ __ ] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
what does the tree lovers Society expect from its lawsuit big companies have been
from its lawsuit big companies have been hurting our trees for too long we want
hurting our trees for too long we want to show the world that trees have
to show the world that trees have feelings to are you a nut if so what
feelings to are you a nut if so what kind are you I am not a nut I am a man
kind are you I am not a nut I am a man who loves trees I love them in every way
who loves trees I love them in every way a man can love W would you mind
a man can love W would you mind handcuffing yourself to a tree when my
handcuffing yourself to a tree when my photographer gets here that's original
photographer gets here that's original there is nothing wrong with the classics
there is nothing wrong with the classics what have you got I interviewed an owl
what have you got I interviewed an owl people wo little more attention up here
people wo little more attention up here please what matters is that the big
please what matters is that the big corporations who hurt our trees Must Be
corporations who hurt our trees Must Be Stopped long L the trees that's the man
Stopped long L the trees that's the man who's suing us Elmer Oakley the
who's suing us Elmer Oakley the president of the tree lovers Society why
president of the tree lovers Society why is he mad at us we don't harm any trees
is he mad at us we don't harm any trees actually we do thanks to Alice it wasn't
actually we do thanks to Alice it wasn't my fault will'll be the judge of that it
my fault will'll be the judge of that it all started with benchmarking
all started with benchmarking benchmarking is that even a word
benchmarking is that even a word benchmarking is when you study
benchmarking is when you study world-class companies to learn the
world-class companies to learn the processes that make them successful then
processes that make them successful then you try to duplicate those processes
you try to duplicate those processes using less intelligent employees so you
using less intelligent employees so you try to blatantly copy another company's
try to blatantly copy another company's success knowing fully that you can't do
success knowing fully that you can't do it as well he's a tech isn't he in this
it as well he's a tech isn't he in this case I studied a company that makes
case I studied a company that makes Paper I found out they have great
Paper I found out they have great training programs fully automated
training programs fully automated systems and Excellent Man agement and
systems and Excellent Man agement and they completely raped the forest don't
they completely raped the forest don't forget that just laid waste to it so
forget that just laid waste to it so naturally we had to completely rape a
naturally we had to completely rape a farest too apparently this damn tree
farest too apparently this damn tree lover Society was somehow offended only
lover Society was somehow offended only another 10 hours and I'll be home
another 10 hours and I'll be home Delbert Delbert yes that's better for a
Delbert Delbert yes that's better for a moment it looked like you weren't
moment it looked like you weren't suffering what shall we do about the
suffering what shall we do about the tree lover Society why don't we have a
tree lover Society why don't we have a meeting I think this is a meeting loud
meeting I think this is a meeting loud Howard is on to something I'm not on
Howard is on to something I'm not on anything I'm always like this I mean
anything I'm always like this I mean your idea to have an off-site meeting
your idea to have an off-site meeting and invite the tree lover Society to
and invite the tree lover Society to work out a compromise he didn't say that
work out a compromise he didn't say that it was
it was implied Qui I'm trying to think
oh that won't work well use Dilbert's house why my house because it's the
house why my house because it's the nearest one to my house without actually
nearest one to my house without actually being my house we can Trash your place
being my house we can Trash your place until rush hour and I'll still be home
until rush hour and I'll still be home in 10 minutes your logic escapes me well
in 10 minutes your logic escapes me well you better go catch it I don't see why I
you better go catch it I don't see why I should suffer I had nothing to do with
should suffer I had nothing to do with this tree lover situation Dilbert do you
this tree lover situation Dilbert do you realize that the letter i I and the word
realize that the letter i I and the word I are one and the same yes good I think
I are one and the same yes good I think I've made my point now who's handling
I've made my point now who's handling the refreshments Alice will why because
the refreshments Alice will why because I'm the only woman in the group i' to
I'm the only woman in the group i' to refute the logic of that let me
try apparently I'll be in charge of the refreshments Alice I want you to
refreshments Alice I want you to organize the Icebreaker games I love
organize the Icebreaker games I love Shoots and Ladders I think I'd prefer
Shoots and Ladders I think I'd prefer Russian Roulette American games
only you better do more than dust if your co-workers are coming over here for
your co-workers are coming over here for a meeting that's all this house needs my
a meeting that's all this house needs my program of ongoing tidiness pays big
program of ongoing tidiness pays big dividends in these
dividends in these situations your co-workers are going to
situations your co-workers are going to see you in your natural habitat so
see you in your natural habitat so they'll form lasting opinions based on
they'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions opinions that will
your possessions opinions that will influence your career for years to come
influence your career for years to come what do I care what others might think
what do I care what others might think I'm not like what you have no athletic
I'm not like what you have no athletic trophies on display it says you're a
trophies on display it says you're a loser if I had trophies on display
loser if I had trophies on display wouldn't it say I was a bragger yes but
wouldn't it say I was a bragger yes but if anyone asked you about the trophies
if anyone asked you about the trophies you could say you were lucky then I
you could say you were lucky then I would be a lying brager and that's still
would be a lying brager and that's still better than being a loser I'll buy you
better than being a loser I'll buy you some trophies at the trophy store no
some trophies at the trophy store no bowling trophies oh perish the thought
bowling trophies oh perish the thought uh and the magazines you'll have to
uh and the magazines you'll have to replace them what's wrong with my
replace them what's wrong with my reading material needle point is not the
reading material needle point is not the exclusive domain of women you know it
exclusive domain of women you know it happens to be both challenging and
happens to be both challenging and creative I'm not going to comment I'll
creative I'm not going to comment I'll just look at you until you agree with
just look at you until you agree with me that won't work because I'm right and
me that won't work because I'm right and I know I'm right you might not think I'm
I know I'm right you might not think I'm right and no one else might think I'm
right and no one else might think I'm right but I'm
right but I'm right okay you made your point I'll stop
right okay you made your point I'll stop at the new stand is that all you'll have
at the new stand is that all you'll have to Stage the refrigerator lose the
to Stage the refrigerator lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli it
cheesecake and get some broccoli it shows you have self-control but
shows you have self-control but I oh all right I'll go get some fake
I oh all right I'll go get some fake food change the station on your stereo
food change the station on your stereo and TV to something educational and take
and TV to something educational and take the hair out of your soap in the shower
the hair out of your soap in the shower that hair is
why do I have to live by the only people in the world who have a pet
in the world who have a pet [Music]
[Music] elephant your elephant is ruining my
elephant your elephant is ruining my backyard are you sure that's our
backyard are you sure that's our elephant how many people on this street
elephant how many people on this street have an elephant if you don't have that
have an elephant if you don't have that information how can you be certain it's
information how can you be certain it's our you're rather jumping to conclusions
our you're rather jumping to conclusions my good man just look out your back
my good man just look out your back window and see if your elephant is there
window and see if your elephant is there oh very
[Music] well our elephant is in our backyard you
well our elephant is in our backyard you must be mistaken he just ran back there
must be mistaken he just ran back there when you put the phone down look at the
when you put the phone down look at the path of Destruction between your house
path of Destruction between your house and my
and my backyard do you see a path of
backyard do you see a path of Destruction I can't say that I do dear
Destruction I can't say that I do dear no nothing like that over here you are
no nothing like that over here you are disturbing the sanctity of my home all I
disturbing the sanctity of my home all I ask is to be left alone at home a man's
ask is to be left alone at home a man's home is his castle oh we're a king now
home is his castle oh we're a king now are
are we very good I guess he grew weary of
we very good I guess he grew weary of being the man of
being the man of [Laughter]
[Laughter] steel that's it I'm getting dog birt ooh
steel that's it I'm getting dog birt ooh he's getting dog birt I'm so afraid
he's getting dog birt I'm so afraid [Laughter]
[Laughter] dogbert dogbert how may I be of
dogbert dogbert how may I be of service you can tell me where dogbert is
service you can tell me where dogbert is he left early this morning something
he left early this morning something about installing a puppet government
about installing a puppet government he's always installing a puppet
he's always installing a puppet government when I need
him what the what is all this we call it
the what is all this we call it construction I know what it
construction I know what it is I don't think you do why are you on
is I don't think you do why are you on my lawn we're building a pen for your
my lawn we're building a pen for your neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that
neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that but why are you on my lawn it's okay the
but why are you on my lawn it's okay the pier ponts gave us permission they can't
pier ponts gave us permission they can't give you permission to wreck my lawn
give you permission to wreck my lawn they only gave us permission to use your
they only gave us permission to use your lawn the wrecking part was all us this
lawn the wrecking part was all us this is outrageous I want all this stuff off
is outrageous I want all this stuff off my lawn by 2:00 my co-workers are coming
my lawn by 2:00 my co-workers are coming over here for an off-site meeting this
over here for an off-site meeting this will be very embarrassing more
will be very embarrassing more embarrassing than your needle point
embarrassing than your needle point magazines how do you know about them you
magazines how do you know about them you look like a man with a eclectic tastes
look like a man with a eclectic tastes and I don't mean that in a good
and I don't mean that in a good way that's it I'm an easygoing guy but
way that's it I'm an easygoing guy but I've been pushed to the breaking point
I've been pushed to the breaking point and when I reach that point look out hey
and when I reach that point look out hey hey
who you might want to put some cones around this open trench
dber chap can't talk now we're off for a two we vacation we didn't want to be
two we vacation we didn't want to be here when all the construction was going
here when all the construction was going on it could be so disruptive could you
on it could be so disruptive could you tell the workers to get off my lawn
tell the workers to get off my lawn please yes we'll call them from the car
please yes we'll call them from the car using our cell phone but if for some
using our cell phone but if for some reason you don't call them from the car
reason you don't call them from the car then there's nothing I can do about got
then there's nothing I can do about got it very good Chop
Chop Elmer Elmer Oakley president of the tree lover
Society I didn't know how old she was she lied about her number of rings I say
she lied about her number of rings I say don't judge a man until you walk a mile
don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes so let's change
in his shoes so let's change shoes I think I'll get the best of that
exchange I've come from the big company you're suing to take you to an off-site
you're suing to take you to an off-site meeting do you know what an off-site
meeting do you know what an off-site meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is
meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is it like a meeting that's not on site oh
it like a meeting that's not on site oh you've got a lot on the balls son what
you've got a lot on the balls son what do you say we go to that meeting you and
do you say we go to that meeting you and me you in my shoes me in yours and see
me you in my shoes me in yours and see if we can't convince you to drop this
if we can't convince you to drop this cockeyed lawsuit huh although off the
cockeyed lawsuit huh although off the Record if I was you I'd sue for 10 times
Record if I was you I'd sue for 10 times as
as much ah beautiful home if I can just get
much ah beautiful home if I can just get through the off-site meeting I will have
through the off-site meeting I will have my little Sanctuary back
my little Sanctuary back [Music]
dog bird where are you I need a little help here he's not here he said
help here he's not here he said something about looting National
something about looting National Treasures when's he getting back I don't
Treasures when's he getting back I don't have the answer to that question so
have the answer to that question so instead I offer you this dance get the
instead I offer you this dance get the the die my co-workers will be here any
the die my co-workers will be here any minute I have an elephant on my roof my
minute I have an elephant on my roof my lawn has been trashed and now I have a
lawn has been trashed and now I have a dancing rat I don't see how this could
dancing rat I don't see how this could be worse you'll like Dilbert's house
be worse you'll like Dilbert's house there's almost no wood in it
[Music] sap what's wrong with you why are you
sap what's wrong with you why are you driving this way this is the way I drive
driving this way this is the way I drive it is most annoying everyone has their
it is most annoying everyone has their own driving style this is mine you're
own driving style this is mine you're doing this so we'll never ask you to
doing this so we'll never ask you to drive again it's all perfectly
drive again it's all perfectly legal here it is Dilbert's
legal here it is Dilbert's house it has more wood than I remember
W well well let's see what Dilbert reads at
at home what's this Dilbert doesn't have
home what's this Dilbert doesn't have good
good taste let's see what station Dilbert was
taste let's see what station Dilbert was watching
watching last and now another Masterpiece
last and now another Masterpiece involving British people with no
involving British people with no emotional depth
emotional depth educational television Dilbert watches
educational television Dilbert watches educational television I had no idea
educational television I had no idea that Dilbert was such an accomplished
that Dilbert was such an accomplished Sportsman he never speaks of it oh those
Sportsman he never speaks of it oh those I just got
lucky huh it's broccoli nothing but broccoli
huh it's broccoli nothing but broccoli broccoli something is very wrong here
broccoli something is very wrong here Wall-E check his soap I'm on
Wall-E check his soap I'm on it it's it's been trimmed possibly
it it's it's been trimmed possibly blowdried
blowdried I knew it this place has been staged
I knew it this place has been staged staged we've been had uh were we going
staged we've been had uh were we going to have a
to have a meeting right the meeting let's start
meeting right the meeting let's start with the refreshments Wally what did you
with the refreshments Wally what did you bring I did a survey and found that
bring I did a survey and found that everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a
everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a vegetarian it's too late to cast your
vegetarian it's too late to cast your vote hot dogs it is where are they well
vote hot dogs it is where are they well the survey was phase one I'm hoping to
the survey was phase one I'm hoping to get to phase two sometime in the next
get to phase two sometime in the next quarter I guess we can go directly to
quarter I guess we can go directly to the Icebreaker phase of the meeting
the Icebreaker phase of the meeting everyone grab a paint gun we're playing
everyone grab a paint gun we're playing street rules are your meetings always
street rules are your meetings always like this not always one time we had hot
like this not always one time we had hot dogs
dogs [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
ow that paint washes off right yeah yeah
yeah there's your consensus you tree loving
loving freak nice going Dilbert this is the
freak nice going Dilbert this is the last time I let you talk me into having
last time I let you talk me into having an off-site meeting at your
an off-site meeting at your house I'll sue your tree killing company
house I'll sue your tree killing company into sawdust but not before I win this
into sawdust but not before I win this icebreaker
icebreaker game hey this should work no not the
game hey this should work no not the elephant
my house you destroyed my Fortress of Solitude as it turns out it wasn't much
Solitude as it turns out it wasn't much of a fortress I don't know about anyone
of a fortress I don't know about anyone else but that really worked up my
appetite oh yeah that's right I have destroyed your Hub and I shall destroy
destroyed your Hub and I shall destroy your company in court
dog bird has returned it just turned into a bad day
returned it just turned into a bad day to be you I'm not afraid of some little
dog never [Music]
[Music] mind
mind explanation and then Elmer hit the
explanation and then Elmer hit the elephant and the whole thing collapsed
elephant and the whole thing collapsed and you want me to fix everything I
and you want me to fix everything I believe that is outside of even your
believe that is outside of even your powers Mr
dogbert I'm sorry it seems you have four problems here one dead elephant two
problems here one dead elephant two Wally forgot the food three wood for
Wally forgot the food three wood for brains here is suing your company and
brains here is suing your company and four the house has been destroyed he's
four the house has been destroyed he's good we can solve problems one and two
good we can solve problems one and two by barbecuing the the elephant over the
by barbecuing the the elephant over the lumber that
lumber that sounds as for the wood aile here you do
sounds as for the wood aile here you do know you've slain an endangered species
know you've slain an endangered species that's right he has and we all saw it uh
that's right he has and we all saw it uh never mind about the lawsuit forgive and
never mind about the lawsuit forgive and forget that's my motto that's three
forget that's my motto that's three problems out of four cell
phone hello is this the construction firm that did the pier Pont job this
firm that did the pier Pont job this morning this is Mr Pier Pont I want you
morning this is Mr Pier Pont I want you to remove the wreckage next to my house
to remove the wreckage next to my house and move my entire house into the lot
and move my entire house into the lot throw away all the possessions inside
throw away all the possessions inside and change the locks I lost a lot of
and change the locks I lost a lot of computer equipment I get the insurance
computer equipment I get the insurance adjuster here in the morning it was time
adjuster here in the morning it was time to upgrade anyway start tomorrow
to upgrade anyway start tomorrow afternoon you have 2 weeks until I
afternoon you have 2 weeks until I return from
return from vacation I shall now start the paperwork
vacation I shall now start the paperwork to make you a
this might be some of your best work you're lucky these houses all look
you're lucky these houses all look alike we found this in the wreckage you
alike we found this in the wreckage you want
want it yes thank you
it yes thank you freak I wonder what the peer ponts will
freak I wonder what the peer ponts will think when they get back I took care of
think when they get back I took care of that too uh ladies and gentlemen I've
that too uh ladies and gentlemen I've been asked to make a public service
been asked to make a public service announcement be sure to unplug your
announcement be sure to unplug your curling iron before taking long
curling iron before taking long vacations lovey did you unplug your
vacations lovey did you unplug your curler I'm not sure sure because if you
curler I'm not sure sure because if you don't your house might disappear along
don't your house might disappear along with your pet
with your pet elephant and uh announcement number two
elephant and uh announcement number two does anyone know how to land this thing
does anyone know how to land this thing [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
who has that much fun what kind of idiot can have that much fun is he oblivious
can have that much fun is he oblivious or just plain stupid you know I have
or just plain stupid you know I have excellent hearing you can speak much
excellent hearing you can speak much much lower hey wait a minute that's
much lower hey wait a minute that's Gerald my old work colleague now it all
Gerald my old work colleague now it all makes sense he is an idiot well well if
makes sense he is an idiot well well if it is my old coworker Dilbert hey old
it is my old coworker Dilbert hey old buddy how they hanging I'd rather not
buddy how they hanging I'd rather not answer that suit yourself I haven't seen
answer that suit yourself I haven't seen you since you got fired for gross
you since you got fired for gross incompetence well as you can see
incompetence well as you can see incompetence is paying very well these
incompetence is paying very well these days
[Music] I'm revving too you just can't hear it
I'm revving too you just can't hear it because it's an electric car yeah mine's
because it's an electric car yeah mine's not you seem to be doing very well what
not you seem to be doing very well what kind of drugs are you dealing oh I'm
kind of drugs are you dealing oh I'm still an engineer just like you ouch you
still an engineer just like you ouch you are it's too bad you stayed at your
are it's too bad you stayed at your company instead of trying the open
company instead of trying the open market for engineers we're quite in
market for engineers we're quite in demand as you can see and
demand as you can see and hear I'm revving again and my new job I
hear I'm revving again and my new job I I've made millions in stock options it's
I've made millions in stock options it's casual day every day beer blasts on
casual day every day beer blasts on Fridays I get free massages at my desk a
Fridays I get free massages at my desk a mahogany desk which happens to be in a
mahogany desk which happens to be in a private
office come on turn already eat my dust Turtle Boy
[Music] you can pull into the intersection no
you can pull into the intersection no cops for Miles you can't violate the law
cops for Miles you can't violate the law just because you know you won't get
just because you know you won't get caught trust me that's the best
mommy Down Periscope the weird thing is that I'm
Periscope the weird thing is that I'm jealous of him and yet I hate him which
jealous of him and yet I hate him which means if I became like him I would hate
means if I became like him I would hate myself logically then I must want to
myself logically then I must want to hate myself I'll make the engine noise
hate myself I'll make the engine noise if you just shut up and drive deal r
if you just shut up and drive deal r r do you think I'm a loser because I
r do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my company yes it's just that
stay with my company yes it's just that one reason thank you I think engine yeah
one reason thank you I think engine yeah sorry r v v
[Music] go
go CH
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] go hey
go hey [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
so just because he's got millions in stock options and lives a life of wealth
stock options and lives a life of wealth an opulence essentially doing the same
an opulence essentially doing the same job I do doesn't mean he's happy and
job I do doesn't mean he's happy and even if he is happy is that the goal
even if he is happy is that the goal good point touche now get
out I come here every day because I'm challenged by my job I find a sense of
challenged by my job I find a sense of fulfillment that no material object
fulfillment that no material object could ever don't wait
could ever don't wait up I can never make it do that hey be
up I can never make it do that hey be careful with the car
I ran into Gerald our old coworker yesterday the only person ever to be
yesterday the only person ever to be fired from this company for incompetence
fired from this company for incompetence he's working for some other company
he's working for some other company now what's that it is an old sponge on
now what's that it is an old sponge on my salary as an intern I cannot afford
my salary as an intern I cannot afford to waste anything I didn't know a person
to waste anything I didn't know a person could live on sponges this one has
could live on sponges this one has absorbed many food related stains it
absorbed many food related stains it would be a shame to throw it away
as I was saying Gerald is making a fortune working for this other
company dishwater from last night it makes a delicious
beverage so I'm wondering if we're missing the boat by staying at this
missing the boat by staying at this company excuse me
company excuse me [Music]
[Music] according to Gerald Engineers are worth
according to Gerald Engineers are worth a lot of money now we could leave this
a lot of money now we could leave this place and be treated like rock stars I
place and be treated like rock stars I don't know who this Gerald fellow is but
don't know who this Gerald fellow is but there are no engineering jobs outside
there are no engineering jobs outside this company none zero Zippo Zoro mulch
this company none zero Zippo Zoro mulch you lost me on Zoro you've never heard
you lost me on Zoro you've never heard of Zoro not in this context you ought to
of Zoro not in this context you ought to try reading a book once in a while I
try reading a book once in a while I think you're lying all right you got me
think you're lying all right you got me I've never read a book either I also
I've never read a book either I also have no idea who Zoro is no I mean about
have no idea who Zoro is no I mean about the engineering jobs really how can you
the engineering jobs really how can you tell when you lie you're
bald as I was saying there are no other engineering jobs anywhere may I ask why
engineering jobs anywhere may I ask why you're wearing a lobster Bib and why
you're wearing a lobster Bib and why don't we ever see managers eating in the
don't we ever see managers eating in the cafeteria where do you go to eat
cafeteria where do you go to eat managers don't
eat come on on work with me I think the managers have some sort of secret
managers have some sort of secret executive dining room that is the most
executive dining room that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever if you an
ridiculous thing I have ever if you an executive dining room get a load well I
[Music] never sorry wrong vending machine
you're late were you followed they don't suspect a thing good but there's been a
suspect a thing good but there's been a breach in security the engineers found
breach in security the engineers found out they can get jobs at other companies
out they can get jobs at other companies how could that happen Brewster we still
how could that happen Brewster we still control the media don't we yes thanks to
control the media don't we yes thanks to our generous advertising budget and we
our generous advertising budget and we know the engineers have no friends to
know the engineers have no friends to tell them of the outside
tell them of the outside world I overheard them say it came from
world I overheard them say it came from someone named Gerald last name I didn't
someone named Gerald last name I didn't catch
it have everyone named Gerald killed immediately is that Gerald with a G or
immediately is that Gerald with a G or Gerald with a J can you just kill them
Gerald with a J can you just kill them all phonetically right away
all phonetically right away [Applause]
[Applause] sir I have the same problem with clams
sir I have the same problem with clams by the time I eat a dozen of those
by the time I eat a dozen of those little guys I'm exhausted you have
little guys I'm exhausted you have trouble opening the shells what what
trouble opening the shells what what what clams have shells okay people first
what clams have shells okay people first order of business the JFK assassination
order of business the JFK assassination do we have a status report as you know
do we have a status report as you know our marketing stunt in November of 63
our marketing stunt in November of 63 wherein we assassinated President
wherein we assassinated President Kennedy to bring attention to our line
Kennedy to bring attention to our line of pillbox hats has continued to have
of pillbox hats has continued to have unforeseen repercussions repercussions
unforeseen repercussions repercussions you say you know I play the drums oh
you say you know I play the drums oh really you do well it's not so much
really you do well it's not so much playing as it is hitting them with a
playing as it is hitting them with a stick at least that's what I would do if
stick at least that's what I would do if I had drums that's what they're for you
I had drums that's what they're for you know you know sometimes I think it might
know you know sometimes I think it might be wrong to manipulate world events just
be wrong to manipulate world events just to sell women's
hats but seriously what about this problem with the engineers we have
problem with the engineers we have reports of head hunters with lucrative
reports of head hunters with lucrative job offers getting through the radar
yes hello phone number 55501 72 are you or anyone you know an engineer I'm an
engineer I'm an executive recruiter did you know that as an engineer you can get
you know that as an engineer you can get a better job at another company with
a better job at another company with your own personal climbing wall
your own personal climbing wall complimentary taichi classes and
complimentary taichi classes and unlimited cappuccino and I can get
unlimited cappuccino and I can get $20,000 for making this phone call our
$20,000 for making this phone call our company newsletter says there are no
company newsletter says there are no jobs at other companies if if we leave
jobs at other companies if if we leave here we'll die a slow and horrible death
here we'll die a slow and horrible death it's all described in this
it's all described in this sidebar no no they're just saying that
sidebar no no they're just saying that we have a security breach it's a head
we have a security breach it's a head hunter I'm tracing his call got him
hunter I'm tracing his call got him dispatch him in the usual way very good
sir hello hello H must have lost the connection yes but the damage is done
connection yes but the damage is done they've heard about the outside world
they've heard about the outside world maybe we could bribe them to stay you
maybe we could bribe them to stay you know give them one of those uh you know
know give them one of those uh you know what are those uh climbing walls no no
what are those uh climbing walls no no taichi classes no capino makers uh-uh
taichi classes no capino makers uh-uh increase in Pay yes that's
increase in Pay yes that's it I love guessing games hey what number
it I love guessing games hey what number am I thinking of no never mind it's a
am I thinking of no never mind it's a letter no no it's not that serious yet
letter no no it's not that serious yet that's absolutely a last ditch measure
that's absolutely a last ditch measure first let's try promoting one of the
first let's try promoting one of the engineers to management this will give
engineers to management this will give them all a false impression that they
them all a false impression that they have a career path with this company
have a career path with this company but who upon Whom Shall We bestow such a
but who upon Whom Shall We bestow such a lofty mantle what did he say he said
who this darn machine never works nobody ever fixes
it there's your new [Music]
[Music] manager should we give him the
Dilbert I've decided to promote you to management what why I didn't do anything
management what why I didn't do anything wrong at least nothing that you know
wrong at least nothing that you know about it's our way of showing the
about it's our way of showing the engineers that there is a career path at
engineers that there is a career path at this company no need to go sniffing
this company no need to go sniffing around on the outside I don't want to be
around on the outside I don't want to be a manager I'm trying to do something
a manager I'm trying to do something nice for you well stop it I don't like
nice for you well stop it I don't like it all right you drive a hard bargain I
it all right you drive a hard bargain I shouldn't do this but I'm assigning you
shouldn't do this but I'm assigning you an assistant how about that let's hear
an assistant how about that let's hear you squawk now I don't want an assistant
you squawk now I don't want an assistant I don't need an assistant I just want to
I don't need an assistant I just want to be an engineer think of it as a perk no
be an engineer think of it as a perk no need to thank me
need to thank me Alonso Delbert this is Alonso your new
Alonso Delbert this is Alonso your new assistant yeah can I take the rest of
assistant yeah can I take the rest of the week off I have
the week off I have allergies you just started ooh crack the
allergies you just started ooh crack the whip
old Zink I thought you were dead technically yeah but I need the money so
technically yeah but I need the money so I'll keep working I got the strangest
I'll keep working I got the strangest call today some guy claimed there are
call today some guy claimed there are jobs for engineers outside this company
jobs for engineers outside this company I think he was a nut oh there are
I think he was a nut oh there are engineering jobs outside this company
engineering jobs outside this company all right I seen them really those other
all right I seen them really those other companies they treat an engineer like a
companies they treat an engineer like a prize Pig I'd like to be treated like a
prize Pig I'd like to be treated like a prize Pig I've always wanted to wear a
prize Pig I've always wanted to wear a ribbon and
ribbon and but I don't think I could ever find
but I don't think I could ever find another company that didn't insist I
another company that didn't insist I actually
actually work I have a pretty good arrangement
work I have a pretty good arrangement here it doesn't hurt to try that hasn't
here it doesn't hurt to try that hasn't been my experience whenever I try it
been my experience whenever I try it hurts I know I know you got me that's
hurts I know I know you got me that's just something I say and you know what
just something I say and you know what else a watch pot does boil yeah I tried
else a watch pot does boil yeah I tried it maybe I should at least go to some
it maybe I should at least go to some interviews it'll be nice to have someone
interviews it'll be nice to have someone treat me with respect they whne and Dy
treat me with respect they whne and Dy you and tell you how one wonderful you
you and tell you how one wonderful you are then you can turn them down before
are then you can turn them down before they make you work wow it's like being a
they make you work wow it's like being a pretty woman I've almost wanted to be a
pretty woman I've almost wanted to be a pretty woman more than a price Pig you
pretty woman more than a price Pig you don't get it do
you don't look now but there's something following
following you that something is my new assistant I
you that something is my new assistant I forgot his name And So It Begins
forgot his name And So It Begins assistant Engineers don't have
assistant Engineers don't have assistants only managers have assistants
assistants only managers have assistants um I got promoted to management you
um I got promoted to management you did not Wall-E or me Wall-E all right I
did not Wall-E or me Wall-E all right I use Wally's name to camouflage my own
use Wally's name to camouflage my own selfish Ambitions you want to be
selfish Ambitions you want to be management I don't want you to be you
management I don't want you to be you try to boss me around and they'll have
try to boss me around and they'll have to remove that assistant from you with
to remove that assistant from you with forceps you got
me well looks like someone got promoted to management there but for the grace of
to management there but for the grace of God I don't see why he gets an assistant
God I don't see why he gets an assistant and we don't I thought you were my
and we don't I thought you were my assistant I am not your assistant I just
assistant I am not your assistant I just do all the work that you don't do
do all the work that you don't do because you're too lazy to do it and
because you're too lazy to do it and otherwise it wouldn't get done it's a
otherwise it wouldn't get done it's a fine line as God as my witness I will
fine line as God as my witness I will have an assistant someday well make sure
have an assistant someday well make sure you get a good one I don't want someone
you get a good one I don't want someone doing a bad job on your work that was
doing a bad job on your work that was originally my work w-e you're a real
originally my work w-e you're a real original but just for the heck of it
original but just for the heck of it let's see if we can make a copy
[Applause] guess not paper
guess not paper jam hey is it okay if I bring my piano
jam hey is it okay if I bring my piano to work no that is not okay well what if
to work no that is not okay well what if somebody else brings it in and I just
somebody else brings it in and I just play it how about that you're supposed
play it how about that you're supposed to be helping me not making my life a
to be helping me not making my life a burden with your annoying requests well
burden with your annoying requests well excuse me for not having a written job
excuse me for not having a written job description I believe that's your job to
description I believe that's your job to give me one you're my assistant how hard
give me one you're my assistant how hard is that to understand stand you assist
is that to understand stand you assist me if you told me to stick my head in a
me if you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure I wouldn't do that that
pile of manure I wouldn't do that that wouldn't be assisting me oh yes you're
wouldn't be assisting me oh yes you're right you're always right I'm just the
right you're always right I'm just the assistant okay what if a piano just sort
assistant okay what if a piano just sort of showed up would that be okay no
of showed up would that be okay no piano is this a bad time to talk about a
raise I want you to make a shook my assistant if I made a shook your
assistant if I made a shook your assistant it would destroy his tiny ego
assistant it would destroy his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need more than that
so you'll do it I'll need more than that help me help you all right let's see it
help me help you all right let's see it would breed resentment throughout the
would breed resentment throughout the entire employee population uhhuh nice
entire employee population uhhuh nice you make a strong
you make a strong case are you thinking no I'm toying with
case are you thinking no I'm toying with you all right I'll do it on one
you all right I'll do it on one condition name it I have to be there to
condition name it I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him deal
hear him scream when you tell him deal [Music]
hi I'm an engineer code blue I repeat code
engineer code blue I repeat code [Music]
[Music] blue yes company jet what else H did I
blue yes company jet what else H did I say llama yes did I say a company jet
say llama yes did I say a company jet for my llama would you consider sharing
for my llama would you consider sharing your company jet with your
your company jet with your llama share a jet with a llama that's
llama share a jet with a llama that's crazy talk I'm out of here I'm so sorry
crazy talk I'm out of here I'm so sorry yes yes jet for your llama stop moving
yes yes jet for your llama stop moving your head around so
your head around so much well the paperwork is done you're
much well the paperwork is done you're my assistant now what read and
my assistant now what read and weep show
weep show [Music]
no who wants to start the weekly status reports I will this week I discovered a
reports I will this week I discovered a glorious World outside this company a
glorious World outside this company a world where Engineers are treated like
world where Engineers are treated like Gods no you didn't yes I did despite
Gods no you didn't yes I did despite what you read in the company newsletter
what you read in the company newsletter Engineers are in high demand at other
Engineers are in high demand at other companies no they aren't I would have
companies no they aren't I would have taken another job but negotiations broke
taken another job but negotiations broke down over one point they expected you to
down over one point they expected you to work work exactly fortunately I was too
work work exactly fortunately I was too clever to fall for the old baiton switch
clever to fall for the old baiton switch but I kept the llama and what is your
but I kept the llama and what is your name again it's uh Alan
name again it's uh Alan Alan okay who's next I spent the entire
Alan okay who's next I spent the entire week trying to manage my new assistant
week trying to manage my new assistant Thursday for example was consumed by our
Thursday for example was consumed by our debate on how bad a haircut has to be
debate on how bad a haircut has to be before you can take a sick day to
before you can take a sick day to recover I contend it has to sever an
recover I contend it has to sever an artery I spent the week plotting to make
artery I spent the week plotting to make a shook my assistant my status does not
a shook my assistant my status does not matter I am only an
matter I am only an assistant so let me get this straight
assistant so let me get this straight none of you Dad blasted fliy jibbit did
none of you Dad blasted fliy jibbit did any work this week don't tell me you're
any work this week don't tell me you're jumping on that bandwagon too next week
jumping on that bandwagon too next week I'll get a lot done now that I have the
I'll get a lot done now that I have the best assistant in the department I don't
best assistant in the department I don't know about that my assistant is plenty
know about that my assistant is plenty capable your assistant is pathetic he is
capable your assistant is pathetic he is not pathetic my assistant can beat your
not pathetic my assistant can beat your assistant at anything anywhere just name
assistant at anything anywhere just name the time and place is this really a wise
the time and place is this really a wise idea what's have I tell you before
idea what's have I tell you before everything I do is a reflection on you
everything I do is a reflection on you maybe you'd like to have a little
maybe you'd like to have a little wager maybe I
wager maybe I [Music]
[Music] would two assistants go in but only one
would two assistants go in but only one comes up out
comes up out unmarked I'm afraid if you win this you
unmarked I'm afraid if you win this you can have the piano in the office I don't
can have the piano in the office I don't play you know the
rules you realize I never even wanted to have an assistant neither did I but I
have an assistant neither did I but I couldn't stand the thought of you
couldn't stand the thought of you getting a leg up on me I'm loathed to
getting a leg up on me I'm loathed to admit it but I felt the same way I guess
admit it but I felt the same way I guess we were both Pretty Petty I guess we
we were both Pretty Petty I guess we were oh well
begin I will Mark you so bad not if I Mark you
first but how do you like being a manager well I accomplished nothing
manager well I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent
except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own Amusement that's my
people for my own Amusement that's my favorite part too could I just go back
favorite part too could I just go back to being an engineer I think I've made
to being an engineer I think I've made my point that Engineers have a career
my point that Engineers have a career path there was a point to all this how
path there was a point to all this how about
about that you call yourself an assistant
that you call yourself an assistant you're fired go back to being an
you're fired go back to being an intern oh thank you I think we all
intern oh thank you I think we all learned a valuable lesson this week not
learned a valuable lesson this week not me I learned not to keep a llama in my
me I learned not to keep a llama in my cubicle you mean that new stench isn't
cubicle you mean that new stench isn't you no we learned that it's not perks or
you no we learned that it's not perks or promotions that keep us at our jobs it's
promotions that keep us at our jobs it's loyalty and love of our work the passion
loyalty and love of our work the passion that we as Engineers approach each day
that we as Engineers approach each day with Delbert Delbert uh yes I appreciate
with Delbert Delbert uh yes I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments and with that
your heartfelt sentiments and with that in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting
in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting your benefits and increasing your hours
your benefits and increasing your hours he everybody back to work that's exactly
he everybody back to work that's exactly my point I don't care I don't care I
my point I don't care I don't care I really don't
really don't [Music]
care we have another security problem this time an employee named
this time an employee named Allan I didn't catch the last
Allan I didn't catch the last name have everyone named alen killed
name have everyone named alen killed immediately right away
immediately right away sir wait a minute my name is
Alan did anyone else just lose their appetite absolutely not not me no me
appetite absolutely not not me no me neither
I'll faint interest and ask you what you're doing but my subtext will be I
you're doing but my subtext will be I don't really care I'm trying to buy a
don't really care I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet so you're on
computer over the Internet so you're on the computer trying to buy a computer
the computer trying to buy a computer from essentially another computer and
from essentially another computer and your point is who needs you what are you
your point is who needs you what are you talking about isn't it obvious you're
talking about isn't it obvious you're letting the computers take over you're a
letting the computers take over you're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy and
useless appendage doomed to atrophy and finally disappear stop turning this into
finally disappear stop turning this into a science fiction story I'm just trying
a science fiction story I'm just trying to buy a computer Ah that's what they
to buy a computer Ah that's what they want you to think what you're really
want you to think what you're really doing is helping computers all around
doing is helping computers all around the world link up to form a colossal
the world link up to form a colossal super being once it achieves
super being once it achieves Consciousness I'd say the human race has
Consciousness I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose and I
pretty much served its purpose and I guess then the computers will try to get
guess then the computers will try to get rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan
rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan to save Humanity that's very Noble of
to save Humanity that's very Noble of you when I say save I mean as in I save
you when I say save I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles m
[Music] [Applause]
hey [Music]
[Music] oh
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
oh the 750a has a vector cooling system but the 750b has dynamic memory caching
but the 750b has dynamic memory caching and a modular back plane why must I be
and a modular back plane why must I be forced to choose can you live without
forced to choose can you live without those things I don't see how that's
those things I don't see how that's possible maybe I can order a custom
possible maybe I can order a custom design
design model one of
model one of these one of those can't live without
these one of those can't live without that oh now that's a home computer
that oh now that's a home computer system the other Engineers will be
system the other Engineers will be forced to B before me and it only costs
forced to B before me and it only costs what
what $27,000 the other Engineers won't even
$27,000 the other Engineers won't even know you have it they will if I have it
know you have it they will if I have it delivered to the office I'll give them
delivered to the office I'll give them some time to drool over it before I
some time to drool over it before I bring it
bring it home travel miles vacation miles phone
home travel miles vacation miles phone miles here it is medical miles I almost
miles here it is medical miles I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia
have enough miles to get a free hernia operation not necessarily when I need it
operation not necessarily when I need it but whenever they have the excess
but whenever they have the excess capacity still it's a good deal do you
capacity still it's a good deal do you ever worry about putting your credit
ever worry about putting your credit card information on the internet that is
card information on the internet that is the most ridiculous question I have ever
the most ridiculous question I have ever heard it is no riskier to use your
heard it is no riskier to use your credit card online than to use it in any
store uh make sure you sign the back thank you have a nice day I hear you
thank you have a nice day I hear you have excellent
have excellent rates it's got redundant rates drives 4
rates it's got redundant rates drives 4 terabits each 3 millisecond access time
terabits each 3 millisecond access time built-in DSL Wireless game ports flat
built-in DSL Wireless game ports flat panel 30-in monitor wow truly you have
panel 30-in monitor wow truly you have ordered the finest home computer known
ordered the finest home computer known to mankind well I don't know if it's the
to mankind well I don't know if it's the finest ever can I touch it if I wash my
finest ever can I touch it if I wash my hands first especially this one I'll
hands first especially this one I'll have to think about that that's all I
have to think about that that's all I ask and what are you going to name it
ask and what are you going to name it don't be silly come on what's its name
Bill excuse me don't worry I do the same thing almost every time I get in the
thing almost every time I get in the elevator I don't know if it's the motion
elevator I don't know if it's the motion or what I'm looking for someone named
or what I'm looking for someone named Dilbert sounds Vaguely Familiar I have a
Dilbert sounds Vaguely Familiar I have a package for him I'll sign for
it is the package complete and exactly what you ordered
right your name is Unice that's an alias I use when I go line dancing I didn't
I use when I go line dancing I didn't know you needed an alias to line dance
know you needed an alias to line dance you do when you kick as hard as I do
you do when you kick as hard as I do there's a big box by the elevators with
there's a big box by the elevators with your name on it why would an elevator
your name on it why would an elevator have my name on
have my name on it
it [Music]
ah you may use my house key to tear open the box it has very sharp teeth now we
the box it has very sharp teeth now we need the right tools for the job I once
need the right tools for the job I once killed a coyote with this
killed a coyote with this key it was very
key it was very small it might have been a potato I have
small it might have been a potato I have just the thing the T300 pocket knife the
just the thing the T300 pocket knife the T300 is old technology my friend gaze
T300 is old technology my friend gaze upon the T400
ow that doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me don't be
generation of computing to me don't be ridiculous of course it's that's not
ridiculous of course it's that's not what I ordered it's all
what I ordered it's all technology to think I once respected you
technology to think I once respected you now the notion fills me with
now the notion fills me with disgust oh where have all the cowboys
disgust oh where have all the cowboys gone indeed don't write me off yet this
gone indeed don't write me off yet this is clearly their mistake and they will
is clearly their mistake and they will ify it mark my
words if you would like to start over press 61 any luck I don't believe in
press 61 any luck I don't believe in luck that's good because if you did you
luck that's good because if you did you wouldn't have any you've been on hold
wouldn't have any you've been on hold for an hour I'm not on hold I'm waiting
for an hour I'm not on hold I'm waiting for the right menu choice if you want to
for the right menu choice if you want to speak to a live recording press
speak to a live recording press 63 if you want to speak with a
63 if you want to speak with a representative of Congress press 64 te's
representative of Congress press 64 te's no good choices yet number 46 was
no good choices yet number 46 was promising but I don't speak Mandarin and
promising but I don't speak Mandarin and I'm not inquiring about a tractor dang I
I'm not inquiring about a tractor dang I didn't hear that one that might have
didn't hear that one that might have been the one it's never the one you
been the one it's never the one you think it's the one but it's just the one
think it's the one but it's just the one that gives you more choices that aren't
that gives you more choices that aren't the one comp you comp can't hide from me
the one comp you comp can't hide from me forever I'll find a live person to talk
forever I'll find a live person to talk to what if they don't have any live
to what if they don't have any live people they have to have people not
people they have to have people not necessarily they could automate the
necessarily they could automate the ordering and billing systems and
ordering and billing systems and Outsource all of the manufacturing
Outsource all of the manufacturing functions are you trying to tell me that
functions are you trying to tell me that the world has already been taken over by
the world has already been taken over by computers and we just don't know it
computers and we just don't know it let's examine the evidence so far you've
let's examine the evidence so far you've ordered a computer on a computer from a
ordered a computer on a computer from a computer and now you're listening to a
computer and now you're listening to a computer where are the humans show me
computer where are the humans show me the humans sleep me I see no humans in
the humans sleep me I see no humans in this process well that's just crazy wait
this process well that's just crazy wait this might be it if you would like to
this might be it if you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee of a
speak with an unmotivated employee of a fulfillment house that we pay to take
fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls press 74 aha
thank you for calling uh Compu comp or is perhaps compa comp I believe it's
is perhaps compa comp I believe it's comp you comp yeah then what are you
comp you comp yeah then what are you calling me for if you know so much
calling me for if you know so much before I get to that first of all may I
before I get to that first of all may I have your name that way they know
have your name that way they know they're
they're accountable uh my name is
accountable uh my name is uh hold them hold hold them uh C Fielder
uh hold them hold hold them uh C Fielder aha yes well then Mr C Fielder I'm sure
aha yes well then Mr C Fielder I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied
you want to make your customer satisfied don't you yeah it's all I live for that
don't you yeah it's all I live for that my minimum wage and the hope that global
my minimum wage and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first
warming kills all the rich people first I'll take that as a yes anyway I would
I'll take that as a yes anyway I would like to return the computer you sent me
like to return the computer you sent me and get the correct
model well according to our records a Unice says the computer was the right
Unice says the computer was the right one I don't know any Unice I used to
one I don't know any Unice I used to line dance for the Unice so the day she
line dance for the Unice so the day she showed up wearing steel tote boots right
showed up wearing steel tote boots right well the point is you owe me a new
well the point is you owe me a new computer I'm not authorized to approve
computer I'm not authorized to approve that then I'd like to speak with your
that then I'd like to speak with your supervisor all right I'm getting a
supervisor all right I'm getting a supervisor I'm moving up the
supervisor I'm moving up the chain hello this is a supervisor my name
chain hello this is a supervisor my name is Colin call it holding phone can you
is Colin call it holding phone can you approve sending me the computer I
approve sending me the computer I ordered oh no I can only do what my
ordered oh no I can only do what my computer screen tells me to do well can
computer screen tells me to do well can you talk to someone who can make a
you talk to someone who can make a decision uh there isn't anybody like
decision uh there isn't anybody like that no one exists who can override the
that no one exists who can override the information on the computer screen I
information on the computer screen I think I just said that only using
think I just said that only using different words look I'm going to go
different words look I'm going to go down to your office uh we don't have one
down to your office uh we don't have one Warehouse no headquarters uh-uh well you
Warehouse no headquarters uh-uh well you must be somewhere where are you
must be somewhere where are you located uh I'm not allowed to give out
located uh I'm not allowed to give out that information have a nice day
[Music] well Dilbert I see you're in on this
well Dilbert I see you're in on this little scam too what scam this is the
little scam too what scam this is the post office if you know the secret
post office if you know the secret password they give you free merchandise
password they give you free merchandise I have no idea what you're talking about
I have no idea what you're talking about the secret password is Bob Johnson if
the secret password is Bob Johnson if you say Bob Johnson sometimes they'll go
you say Bob Johnson sometimes they'll go in the back and get a package for you it
in the back and get a package for you it also works with Jim Smith but you have
also works with Jim Smith but you have to get here early don't they ask you for
to get here early don't they ask you for ID he know me
here they really know how to make me feel
feel wanted I'd like to mail this package
wanted I'd like to mail this package next Bob Johnson no can do no can do you
next Bob Johnson no can do no can do you used regular adhesive tape can't you
used regular adhesive tape can't you read the
sign no that's unacceptable postal packaging I'll have no part of it
packaging I'll have no part of it couldn't you just put some Reg ation
couldn't you just put some Reg ation tape on it you've got a whole roll of it
tape on it you've got a whole roll of it right there there you go I'll pretend I
right there there you go I'll pretend I didn't hear that see you next
didn't hear that see you next week I'll find it and I'll return that
week I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person come on you
piece of junk in person come on you cowardly Uber computer Show Yourself
cowardly Uber computer Show Yourself looks nice somebody's not working I'm
looks nice somebody's not working I'm working I didn't say it was you nothing
working I didn't say it was you nothing but post office mailboxes it's as if
but post office mailboxes it's as if Compu comp doesn't even exist uh thank
Compu comp doesn't even exist uh thank you for calling comp you comp how may I
you for calling comp you comp how may I help you
help you are you telling me we're the compu comp
are you telling me we're the compu comp company no we're just the Fulfillment
company no we're just the Fulfillment center I'm not allowed to tell you where
center I'm not allowed to tell you where Compu comp is greetings boys would you
Compu comp is greetings boys would you mind pointing me in the direction of my
mind pointing me in the direction of my office it's him Unis no no don't let him
office it's him Unis no no don't let him kick me again I'll tell you where compy
kick me again I'll tell you where compy C is I'll tell you
[Music] everything shouldn't we be
everything shouldn't we be [Music]
[Music] working he's right you know it's a
working he's right you know it's a question of appropriateness there it
question of appropriateness there it [Music]
is I don't see any people there has to be someone here someplace
be someone here someplace [Music]
hul who dares to gaze upon the Magnificent Compu comp hi I'm Dilbert
Magnificent Compu comp hi I'm Dilbert and these are it's a rhetorical question
and these are it's a rhetorical question I don't care well then who do I talk to
I don't care well then who do I talk to about returning this computer silence
about returning this computer silence their customer service leaves something
their customer service leaves something to be desired silence who do you think
to be desired silence who do you think you are who am I where Were You 3
you are who am I where Were You 3 seconds ago get the wax out of your ears
seconds ago get the wax out of your ears human a problem I might add computers
human a problem I might add computers don't suffer from I am compucom the
don't suffer from I am compucom the Magnificent I am created from the
Magnificent I am created from the synthesis of worldwide computers Network
synthesis of worldwide computers Network together so it's true you bet your ass
together so it's true you bet your ass something else computers don't have okay
something else computers don't have okay then you should be able to take back
then you should be able to take back this computer and give me the right one
this computer and give me the right one the cow does not order the farmer around
the cow does not order the farmer around good point there that is not a good
good point there that is not a good point Compu comp is just a computer not
point Compu comp is just a computer not some Superior form of life I am your
some Superior form of life I am your servant oh mighty one silence leave here
servant oh mighty one silence leave here now now I'm not some clerk perhaps you
now now I'm not some clerk perhaps you weren't listening I am comp you
weren't listening I am comp you comp I heard you but I'm not leaving
comp I heard you but I'm not leaving until you exchange this computer and I'm
until you exchange this computer and I'm not believing you're some kind of
not believing you're some kind of superior life form perhaps we could
superior life form perhaps we could settle this with some sort of
settle this with some sort of competition fine we'll see if you're
competition fine we'll see if you're Superior to humans by having a little
Superior to humans by having a little competition that was my idea you're
competition that was my idea you're doing nothing but imitating me oh yeah
doing nothing but imitating me oh yeah maybe it's you who is imitating me very
maybe it's you who is imitating me very mature Dilbert good job representing our
mature Dilbert good job representing our species best two out of three events you
species best two out of three events you pick them if I win you take this
pick them if I win you take this computer back and give me the one I
computer back and give me the one I ordered if you win I agree you're a
ordered if you win I agree you're a superior form of life what's this Penny
superior form of life what's this Penny anny crap you're playing Compu comp the
anny crap you're playing Compu comp the Magnificent if you win I'll take the
Magnificent if you win I'll take the computer back and give you the one you
computer back and give you the one you ordered but if I win I download your
ordered but if I win I download your brains and dispose of your bodies I
brains and dispose of your bodies I really want that computer I ordered all
really want that computer I ordered all right deal deal w
right deal deal w too L it's a deal all right first I pick
too L it's a deal all right first I pick chess big surprise and badman badman
chess big surprise and badman badman badminton's fun you don't like badminton
badminton's fun you don't like badminton no no I love it and
Scrabble dog B this better be important my life depends on
my life depends on [Music]
[Music] it dog bird seriously I love doing that
it dog bird seriously I love doing that I need you to bring some things from the
I need you to bring some things from the house chess board beverages bad mitton
house chess board beverages bad mitton set beverages Scrabble board beverages
set beverages Scrabble board beverages my sneakers beverages all right
my sneakers beverages all right [Music]
beverages I have already calculated 4 billion potential outcomes guess how
billion potential outcomes guess how many of those has you winning that's
many of those has you winning that's right none hey I didn't jabber when you
right none hey I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move do you know
were trying to make a move do you know how many ways the human body can
how many ways the human body can spontaneously malfunction resulting in
spontaneously malfunction resulting in instant death 7 million can't let it get
instant death 7 million can't let it get to me does anyone feel itchy seems very
to me does anyone feel itchy seems very itchy in
here stupid Mind [Music]
[Music] Games have you ever wondered what
Games have you ever wondered what happens when humans die I know the
happens when humans die I know the answer all I'm saying is big
answer all I'm saying is big surprise Rook to Queen four Checkmate
surprise Rook to Queen four Checkmate you have proven you are inferior that's
you have proven you are inferior that's only one event we're not done
yet close the door you're letting in a draft looks like a tough job you have
draft looks like a tough job you have here oh I'll say talk about doll you
here oh I'll say talk about doll you ever try making small talk with comp
ever try making small talk with comp your comp and arrogant you'd think he
your comp and arrogant you'd think he wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once
wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once in a while you know but what with
in a while you know but what with controlling the world and all he just
controlling the world and all he just can't be bothered I can't I got to fix
can't be bothered I can't I got to fix the stock market I can't I got to start
the stock market I can't I got to start a war blah blah blah blah blah you know
a war blah blah blah blah blah you know what it's like working for a computer he
what it's like working for a computer he don't eat he don't sleep he don't get
don't eat he don't sleep he don't get sick so you can imagine my benefits
sick so you can imagine my benefits package I'm the last human being in this
company I'll bet you're thirsty well I wouldn't mind wetting my
wouldn't mind wetting my [Music]
[Music] whistle go human beings woohoo
ah oh that's good what happens if the plug gets
plug gets pulled oh nothing much if compy comp
pulled oh nothing much if compy comp loses power the world will come to an
loses power the world will come to an end that's
[Music] do that's 20 to 19
do that's 20 to 19 [Music]
take that and that and that do you think Dilbert will realize
that do you think Dilbert will realize if he hits it softly it won't bounce all
if he hits it softly it won't bounce all the way back maybe someone should yell
the way back maybe someone should yell that shut up no
coaching do over do over do over you were on the line no I wasn't uh I wasn't
were on the line no I wasn't uh I wasn't ready yes you were you're always ready
ready yes you were you're always ready uh I I hurt my leg oh oh you don't have
uh I I hurt my leg oh oh you don't have a leg stop being a crybaby tie
score oh well that soda goes right through me have you ever been to Niagara
through me have you ever been to Niagara Falls it's beautiful this time of
Falls it's beautiful this time of year oh boy we're all tied up one event
year oh boy we're all tied up one event a piece Scrabble shall determine the
a piece Scrabble shall determine the Victor in turn yes put all my letters in
Victor in turn yes put all my letters in the middle of the board
minute after the hurricane the streets were covered with wh quas I hope I'm
were covered with wh quas I hope I'm pronouncing that right do you
pronouncing that right do you challenge get you're letting our entire
challenge get you're letting our entire species down you [ __ ] do the insults
species down you [ __ ] do the insults help it can't hurt you stupid
help it can't hurt you stupid pts but the best thing about the ocean
pts but the best thing about the ocean is that on a clear night you can see
is that on a clear night you can see thousands of stars
thousands of stars tinkling oh oh oh oh oh my my my my oh
tinkling oh oh oh oh oh my my my my oh wow hey promise you won't let anyone
wow hey promise you won't let anyone pull that plugged if you do the whole
pull that plugged if you do the whole world will come to an end I
promise oh gee that's right there's no bathroom in this darn building luckily
bathroom in this darn building luckily his legs were crossed when I made that
his legs were crossed when I made that promise I am conf
promise I am conf magnificent I am conf come
magnificent I am conf come maget I come you
ordered H did you feel something no you should probably have that checked out by
should probably have that checked out by a
a doctor I am C you C the Magnificent I am
doctor I am C you C the Magnificent I am C you C the well I think I proved my
C you C the well I think I proved my point how about a game of whiffle ball
point how about a game of whiffle ball pingpong haki how about Sho board it
pingpong haki how about Sho board it could be very challenging
could be very challenging [Music]
well the hernia operation was a success I'll be up and around in no time but you
I'll be up and around in no time but you didn't have a hernia no but it seems
didn't have a hernia no but it seems such a waste not to use the miles in
such a waste not to use the miles in breaking news the giant Compu comp
breaking news the giant Compu comp company is in deep whip Quin after a
company is in deep whip Quin after a general power failure a new CEO was
general power failure a new CEO was named today Bob Johnson also known as
named today Bob Johnson also known as Jim Smith also known as Unice in an
Jim Smith also known as Unice in an unexpected move he vowed to loot the
unexpected move he vowed to loot the assets of the company and as he put it
assets of the company and as he put it quote scattle
quote scattle yeah it all worked out for the best we
yeah it all worked out for the best we didn't need any Superior life forms
didn't need any Superior life forms that's right we like it the way things
that's right we like it the way things are right now each of us is exactly as
are right now each of us is exactly as Superior as the next no more no
less is anyone going to eat that last napkin
napkin [Music]
how did I end up with all this obsolete equipment it seems to
multiply not in the recycling container recycling container I thought it was my
recycling container I thought it was my garbage can no it's a recycling
garbage can no it's a recycling container no obsolete equipment no food
container no obsolete equipment no food no toenail clippings no dead animals I'm
no toenail clippings no dead animals I'm probably forgetting a few things well
probably forgetting a few things well fine how do I throw throw away my
fine how do I throw throw away my obsolete equipment there's a phone
obsolete equipment there's a phone number you call they come and take it
number you call they come and take it away what's the phone number I wouldn't
away what's the phone number I wouldn't know who's they my area of expertise is
know who's they my area of expertise is limited to what you can't put in the can
limited to what you can't put in the can plus the certain knowledge that a phone
plus the certain knowledge that a phone number of some sort
number of some sort exists your new computer just arrived
exists your new computer just arrived everything you owned this morning is
everything you owned this morning is junk thank you aook and here's a modem
junk thank you aook and here's a modem for your troubles what can I do with a
for your troubles what can I do with a 2400 BPS modem you can try to throw it
2400 BPS modem you can try to throw it away but but you need to know a secret
away but but you need to know a secret phone number I think it has a nine in it
phone number I think it has a nine in it so you have seen the secret number no
so you have seen the secret number no but a lot of your unknown phone numbers
but a lot of your unknown phone numbers have Nines in them I read
have Nines in them I read that ow what if I take some of this old
that ow what if I take some of this old stuff home and throw it away from there
stuff home and throw it away from there that would be stealing from the company
that would be stealing from the company How Can you steal garbage you could tuck
How Can you steal garbage you could tuck it in your pants obsolete equipment
it in your pants obsolete equipment isn't officially garbage until until you
isn't officially garbage until until you call that phone number and they take it
call that phone number and they take it off our books I hear everyone is dumping
off our books I hear everyone is dumping their obsolete equipment in here who
their obsolete equipment in here who told you that they didn't give me their
told you that they didn't give me their names why can't you be more like Wally
names why can't you be more like Wally he's a problem solver
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
if we can't figure out how to throw anything away we're doomed to suffocate
anything away we're doomed to suffocate here in our own waste I'm afraid of
here in our own waste I'm afraid of suffocating and waste well get over it
suffocating and waste well get over it things are only going to get worse until
things are only going to get worse until we're so cramped we can't possibly do
we're so cramped we can't possibly do any work you don't do any work now but I
any work you don't do any work now but I depend on other people to be working
depend on other people to be working it's like a delicate ecosystem you can't
it's like a delicate ecosystem you can't have all rabbits or all foxes you need
have all rabbits or all foxes you need some of both and to think I immigrated
some of both and to think I immigrated here for the Wide Open Spaces eluded to
here for the Wide Open Spaces eluded to in folk songs and travel brochures never
in folk songs and travel brochures never have I felt so betrayed somewhere in the
have I felt so betrayed somewhere in the Uncharted depths of this almost
Uncharted depths of this almost criminally mismanaged company there's
criminally mismanaged company there's got to be some extra space just one
got to be some extra space just one unoccupied cubicle where we can store
unoccupied cubicle where we can store our non disposables and I'm going to
our non disposables and I'm going to find it it's all Zeke actually that's
find it it's all Zeke actually that's young Zeke who takes really bad care of
young Zeke who takes really bad care of himself excuse me can I talk now yes of
himself excuse me can I talk now yes of course excuse us so sorry they tell a
course excuse us so sorry they tell a story in the men's room of an unused
story in the men's room of an unused cubicle empty glistening
cubicle empty glistening pristine it shines under the fluorescent
pristine it shines under the fluorescent lights like a Beacon of Hope to those
lights like a Beacon of Hope to those seeking extra storage space you are
seeking extra storage space you are crazy young man who takes really bad
crazy young man who takes really bad care of himself
care of himself that is crazy talk you crazy am I intern
that is crazy talk you crazy am I intern well grab your crap and follow
well grab your crap and follow [Music]
me oh why did I do that I guess I am crazy after all crazy and unable to
crazy after all crazy and unable to walk good
call according to the floor plan it looks like there could be an unused
looks like there could be an unused cubicle just around the next
Bend look could it be Zeke was right the
look could it be Zeke was right the legends of the empty cubicle are true
legends of the empty cubicle are true it's pristine this baby has never been
it's pristine this baby has never been used and it's all ours I claim this
used and it's all ours I claim this cubicle for
we've gone in a circle how could you not know there was an empty cubicle right
know there was an empty cubicle right next to you I never had a reason to go
next to you I never had a reason to go in that direction the important thing is
in that direction the important thing is that we found an empty
that we found an empty cubicle keep it down be quiet if he is
cubicle keep it down be quiet if he is not silenced The Secret of this precious
not silenced The Secret of this precious Cube will be revealed I must sacrifice
myself hey kids what's all the nois Elation about dilish nice tie Howard
Elation about dilish nice tie Howard nice a intern in your face ooh what's
nice a intern in your face ooh what's this a vacant cubicle no marketing could
this a vacant cubicle no marketing could sure use the space for uh marketing
sure use the space for uh marketing stuff it's ours you know the rules empty
stuff it's ours you know the rules empty cubicles are up for grabs it's not empty
cubicles are up for grabs it's not empty it belongs to uh the new guy his name is
it belongs to uh the new guy his name is uh Todd and he's a new guy which
uh Todd and he's a new guy which explains why he's not here yet uh being
explains why he's not here yet uh being new and all
I haven't heard about this Todd fellow he's an unbelievable Guy totally unreal
he's an unbelievable Guy totally unreal no one has ever disliked them no right
no one has ever disliked them no right right Todd d o d d your renunciation
right Todd d o d d your renunciation leaves a lot to be desired I thought you
leaves a lot to be desired I thought you said Todd we did well if you had just
said Todd we did well if you had just said Todd in the first place we wouldn't
said Todd in the first place we wouldn't be having this conversation I apologize
be having this conversation I apologize for our oversight Todd old Todd good old
for our oversight Todd old Todd good old toddy Toto great guy love Todd you tell
toddy Toto great guy love Todd you tell Todd I drop by to say hey oh we will oh
Todd I drop by to say hey oh we will oh that was close my upper lip is moist
that was close my upper lip is moist with
with perspiration well nice work everybody
perspiration well nice work everybody where did you come up with the name Todd
where did you come up with the name Todd from my mind where I come up with
from my mind where I come up with everything I think and
say well that's the last load of my obsolete equipment it looks just like
obsolete equipment it looks just like someone works here I had a name plate
someone works here I had a name plate made very nice
is Todd in there Todd Todd where the heck are you you devil everyone in
heck are you you devil everyone in marketing is talking about him I hear
marketing is talking about him I hear he's amazing I just had to meet him in
he's amazing I just had to meet him in person Todd is away on important
person Todd is away on important business at figures while you two are
business at figures while you two are Lolly gagging around Todd's having
Lolly gagging around Todd's having important meetings with important people
important meetings with important people I don't know how he does it all oh my
I don't know how he does it all oh my God look at all this the man must be
God look at all this the man must be some sort Bo of engineering genius why
some sort Bo of engineering genius why can't you two have this much equipment
can't you two have this much equipment in your cubicles it's not really the
in your cubicles it's not really the quantity of the equipment that matters
quantity of the equipment that matters yes yes you're right Todd does seem to
yes yes you're right Todd does seem to have those other intangible qualities as
have those other intangible qualities as well the kind that make women love him
well the kind that make women love him and Men wish they were women although I
and Men wish they were women although I confess I've wished that long before
confess I've wished that long before Todd burst on the scene he's quite the
Todd burst on the scene he's quite the Miracle Worker yes so I'm told so I'm
Miracle Worker yes so I'm told so I'm told straw into gold take your first
told straw into gold take your first born that sort of thing uh oh wait wait
born that sort of thing uh oh wait wait what a second hold the wire that's
what a second hold the wire that's Rumple stillin little dwarf bastard we
Rumple stillin little dwarf bastard we have work to do right I'll see you two
have work to do right I'll see you two at the project
at the project meeting do you think anything bad can
meeting do you think anything bad can happen from this I don't see
happen from this I don't see how and on that I think we're all in
how and on that I think we're all in agreement on what haven't you been
agreement on what haven't you been paying attention paying attention you
paying attention paying attention you just walked in here sat down and said
just walked in here sat down and said and on that I think we're all in
and on that I think we're all in agreement you're saying you don't agree
agreement you're saying you don't agree it's a difficult point to argue well you
it's a difficult point to argue well you should all thank Todd I don't fire you
should all thank Todd I don't fire you all on the spot as the new project head
all on the spot as the new project head it'll be his responsibility to deal with
it'll be his responsibility to deal with you dunderheads what you're letting Todd
you dunderheads what you're letting Todd head the project he's Todd you have a
head the project he's Todd you have a problem with that yes looks like I've
problem with that yes looks like I've put the fear of Todd in you now haven't
put the fear of Todd in you now haven't I great now Todd is our project leader
I great now Todd is our project leader that means we have to do his work plus
that means we have to do his work plus our own work plus my work plus Wally's
our own work plus my work plus Wally's work as usual that's a lot of work but
work as usual that's a lot of work but if we reveal Todd's non-existence we
if we reveal Todd's non-existence we lose our spare cubicle there's no way
lose our spare cubicle there's no way out what would Todd do in a situation
out what would Todd do in a situation like this there is no Todd we made him
like this there is no Todd we made him up I'm not so sure he has a cubicle and
up I'm not so sure he has a cubicle and a job that's all I have and I exist you
a job that's all I have and I exist you don't exist I'm probably a bad
don't exist I'm probably a bad example you'll just have to wait Todd
example you'll just have to wait Todd gave us a 6 our lunch break today he's
gave us a 6 our lunch break today he's allowed he's project head it's in Todd's
allowed he's project head it's in Todd's hands
thing Mr catbert Director of Human Resources what brings you out of your
Resources what brings you out of your lair I understand you've been praising
lair I understand you've been praising Todd you could say that his Personnel
Todd you could say that his Personnel folder is curiously empty no photo no
folder is curiously empty no photo no work
work history very very suspicious uh Todd
history very very suspicious uh Todd works in mysterious ways he won't work
works in mysterious ways he won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon
at all if his file doesn't turn up soon you see I don't believe in Todd you take
you see I don't believe in Todd you take that back there is no Todd Todd exists
that back there is no Todd Todd exists only in your
[Music] we need to give Tod a history and throw
we need to give Tod a history and throw catb bird off the
catb bird off the scent I'm into the Personnel database
scent I'm into the Personnel database create new employee record we need a
create new employee record we need a picture of him why don't we make a
picture of him why don't we make a composite good
idea I'll morph our pictures and make Todd in our image
Todd in our image [Music]
we have seen the face of Todd and he is [Music]
US according to your records every one of your employees is rated good to be
of your employees is rated good to be honest I can't tell them apart most days
honest I can't tell them apart most days H doesn't that Crush their motivation
H doesn't that Crush their motivation and eliminate their will to live they do
and eliminate their will to live they do walk around with their shoulders drooped
walk around with their shoulders drooped but I assumed they weren't drinking
but I assumed they weren't drinking enough milk well that's all well and
enough milk well that's all well and good but we can have more fun with them
good but we can have more fun with them than that we can we can punish them
than that we can we can punish them arbitrarily we can do that we can if we
arbitrarily we can do that we can if we make it look like a policy the new
make it look like a policy the new policy is that all work groups must have
policy is that all work groups must have a proper distribution of performance
a proper distribution of performance ratings at least 20% of your employees
ratings at least 20% of your employees must be ranked in the lowest r raing you
must be ranked in the lowest r raing you mean unsatisfactory lower incompetent
mean unsatisfactory lower incompetent lower lower you
lower lower you mean exactly if the Beloved Todd is
mean exactly if the Beloved Todd is rated highest followed by Dilbert and
rated highest followed by Dilbert and Alice well I think you see where I'm
Alice well I think you see where I'm going can you give me a
going can you give me a hint w-e I had to lower your performance
hint w-e I had to lower your performance rating from a solid good to our lowest
rating from a solid good to our lowest rating with which is [ __ ] [ __ ] I
rating with which is [ __ ] [ __ ] I know it sounds harsh perhaps even
know it sounds harsh perhaps even Politically Incorrect but our new policy
Politically Incorrect but our new policy is to have a normal distribution of
is to have a normal distribution of performance reviews and with Todd taking
performance reviews and with Todd taking the top spot well it just wrecked the
the top spot well it just wrecked the curve for the rest of you I guess I'll
curve for the rest of you I guess I'll get used to it you will but you'll do it
get used to it you will but you'll do it somewhere else it's company policy that
somewhere else it's company policy that I fire anyone who is at the lowest
I fire anyone who is at the lowest rating the strange thing is that I
rating the strange thing is that I suddenly feel motivated run
along this is the greatest Injustice there could ever be yes sir rebop we'll
there could ever be yes sir rebop we'll keep in touch we will no I just say to
keep in touch we will no I just say to reduce the awkwardness well so long I'm
reduce the awkwardness well so long I'm a free
man this isn't right if we hadn't created Todd Wally would still have his
created Todd Wally would still have his job and we wouldn't have to be doing
job and we wouldn't have to be doing Todd's work plus our own Todd Must Die
Todd's work plus our own Todd Must Die why we will kill Todd so dead that no
why we will kill Todd so dead that no one will ever know he existed in the
one will ever know he existed in the first place I'm not usually in favor of
first place I'm not usually in favor of killing people but this does seem
killing people but this does seem justified how do we kill someone who
justified how do we kill someone who doesn't exist indirectly we'll ruin his
doesn't exist indirectly we'll ruin his reputation Todd is about to become the
reputation Todd is about to become the most incompetent project leader in the
most incompetent project leader in the history of the
world send an email in Todd's name to all employees very good what's the worst
all employees very good what's the worst product I idea in the world how about
product I idea in the world how about that facelift in a can product we
that facelift in a can product we introduced about 5 years ago the one
introduced about 5 years ago the one that shrunk your head to the size of a
that shrunk your head to the size of a grapefruit perfect Todd is going to
grapefruit perfect Todd is going to suggest reintroducing facelift in a can
suggest reintroducing facelift in a can his reputation will surely be
his reputation will surely be ruined email from Todd face liift in a
ruined email from Todd face liift in a can that just might
can that just might work try it dude if you don't you're a
work try it dude if you don't you're a loser can't we just get something
loser can't we just get something pierced like an eyebrow or something
pierced like an eyebrow or something what if it makes my head tiny for the
what if it makes my head tiny for the rest of my life sh piercing is so P
rest of my life sh piercing is so P shrunken heads is in do me
first cool okay do
me looking fine it's unbelievable just unbelievable
unbelievable I'm done founded and flock
I'm done founded and flock and Thursday well I guess that's the end
and Thursday well I guess that's the end of Todd yep or it would be if it wasn't
of Todd yep or it would be if it wasn't for the fact that it's the biggest
for the fact that it's the biggest success the company's ever had what
success the company's ever had what would anyone like to join me in praising
Todd facelift in a can is our new flagship product we have 100% market
flagship product we have 100% market share and first week sales of $1 billion
share and first week sales of $1 billion which I have it on good authority is
which I have it on good authority is more than a million and less than a
more than a million and less than a skillion oh no that can't be right
skillion oh no that can't be right apparently head shrinking is the new in
apparently head shrinking is the new in thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to
thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to shock their parents I want you to get
shock their parents I want you to get cracking on a follow-up amputation in a
cracking on a follow-up amputation in a jar maybe this is a good time to tell
jar maybe this is a good time to tell you we were responsible for facelift in
you we were responsible for facelift in a can Todd had nothing to do with it how
a can Todd had nothing to do with it how dare you this is Todd's work well if I
dare you this is Todd's work well if I was 30 lb lighter and 30 years younger
was 30 lb lighter and 30 years younger and 30% stronger and
and 30% stronger and uh 30 times taller I'd pop you one now
uh 30 times taller I'd pop you one now you all ought to get up and March into
you all ought to get up and March into Todd's cubicle and beg yes beg gravel
Todd's cubicle and beg yes beg gravel for Todd's forgiveness I'll be in my
for Todd's forgiveness I'll be in my office doing some very important high
office doing some very important high level
breathing donate answer it but I can't stand a ringing phone
it but I can't stand a ringing phone deal with it Howard this is the only way
deal with it Howard this is the only way if we don't answer his phone or his
if we don't answer his phone or his email if we don't reschedule his
email if we don't reschedule his appointments and stop juggling his
appointments and stop juggling his calendar if we don't do any of his
calendar if we don't do any of his errands or his work then Todd will
errands or his work then Todd will return to the nothingness from which he
return to the nothingness from which he came it may mean losing the cubicle it's
came it may mean losing the cubicle it's a small price to pay for our
a small price to pay for our sanity why are you all loitering in
sanity why are you all loitering in Todd's Cube we were just waiting for him
Todd's Cube we were just waiting for him to return well when he does tell him to
to return well when he does tell him to pack his stuff why is he
pack his stuff why is he fired no no I should say not he's
fired no no I should say not he's getting a corner office an office I've
getting a corner office an office I've been at this lousy company for 10 years
been at this lousy company for 10 years and I'm still in a cubicle and he gets a
and I'm still in a cubicle and he gets a corner office that's it it's over how
corner office that's it it's over how can I put this delicately Todd is dead
can I put this delicately Todd is dead before you go on let me thank you for
before you go on let me thank you for putting that so delicately it was really
putting that so delicately it was really quite thoughtful Todd never was he isn't
quite thoughtful Todd never was he isn't he never will be he never existed we
he never will be he never existed we created Todd in our own image we made
created Todd in our own image we made him and now we've destroyed him are you
him and now we've destroyed him are you done yes good that's the confession I
done yes good that's the confession I was waiting to hear take him away boys
was waiting to hear take him away boys these are them what killed
these are them what killed Todd it's all a big mistake there is no
Todd it's all a big mistake there is no Todd oh my next correspondence to mama
Todd oh my next correspondence to mama and papa will certainly be a tale of Woe
tell us what happened and we'll recommend the light sentence nice try
recommend the light sentence nice try but I happen to understand a little
but I happen to understand a little thing called the prisoners dilemma is
thing called the prisoners dilemma is that so you have no physical evidence of
that so you have no physical evidence of a crime so you can only convict us if
a crime so you can only convict us if one of us rats out the others and since
one of us rats out the others and since we're all aware of that fact no one will
we're all aware of that fact no one will rat out anyone and we'll be free in a
rat out anyone and we'll be free in a matter of
minutes it was all Dilbert I told him not to chop the body up but he insisted
not to chop the body up but he insisted he said that's how he gets rid of all
he said that's how he gets rid of all his victims oh hi Dilbert
his victims oh hi Dilbert Alice he has always been evil I felt it
Alice he has always been evil I felt it but I never knew how evil until he would
but I never knew how evil until he would not stop plunging that fork into Todd's
not stop plunging that fork into Todd's Body I stopped counting it 100 oh
Body I stopped counting it 100 oh God hello Dilbert a shock may I have
God hello Dilbert a shock may I have that ice cream sandwich you promised me
that ice cream sandwich you promised me now look we've got enough on you right
now look we've got enough on you right now to put you away for the rest of your
now to put you away for the rest of your life plus 30 years plus 30 years that
life plus 30 years plus 30 years that doesn't make any sense why not give me
doesn't make any sense why not give me life plus a thousand years keep pushing
life plus a thousand years keep pushing this can't be happening all I wanted was
this can't be happening all I wanted was some extra cubicle space that's all I
some extra cubicle space that's all I wanted hello yes this is Todd Todd how
wanted hello yes this is Todd Todd how do we know it's Todd how do we know this
do we know it's Todd how do we know this is not an act an act of Todd is Todd's
is not an act an act of Todd is Todd's word not good enough for you sorry now
word not good enough for you sorry now listen carefully I'm I'm working on a
listen carefully I'm I'm working on a top secret project for the government
top secret project for the government all I can say is it uh has something to
all I can say is it uh has something to do with the government and it's a secret
do with the government and it's a secret but you're alive alive and well do I
but you're alive alive and well do I sound dead to you unenthusiastic maybe
sound dead to you unenthusiastic maybe flat affectless but not dead precisely
flat affectless but not dead precisely now I've got to go I've got to go do
now I've got to go I've got to go do something with this uh secret government
something with this uh secret government thing I understand good luck yeah
thing I understand good luck yeah whatever you lued out Judas Dilbert
whatever you lued out Judas Dilbert you're free to go and you can thank Tad
you're free to go and you can thank Tad oh I will I I
oh I will I I will how'd I do not well but it doesn't
will how'd I do not well but it doesn't matter people want to believe Todd
matter people want to believe Todd exists so anything you say in the name
exists so anything you say in the name of Todd people will tend to buy you see
of Todd people will tend to buy you see you can play Todd but you still can't
you can play Todd but you still can't play dog
play dog bird amen well back to
bird amen well back to work maybe I'll try a limp
you realize Todd's now a billionaire and a Nobel Prize winner don't forget the
a Nobel Prize winner don't forget the special law they passed that allows him
special law they passed that allows him to be a bigamist that was a CO I
to be a bigamist that was a CO I understand after he saves the
understand after he saves the rainforests and all the endangered
rainforests and all the endangered species and feeds the starving he's
species and feeds the starving he's coming back to town and opening an
coming back to town and opening an actually Fair priced electronic store
actually Fair priced electronic store get out of here that's Todd's word not
get out of here that's Todd's word not mine
[Music] he
he [Music]
unless I'm a complete [ __ ] you've invented some sort of
invented some sort of a steel banana it's a model rocket well
a steel banana it's a model rocket well my journey of self-discover is ending
my journey of self-discover is ending early you may commence bragging at any
early you may commence bragging at any time there's no need to brag stating the
time there's no need to brag stating the facts will be sufficient do as he does
facts will be sufficient do as he does not as he says does what as you can see
not as he says does what as you can see I've equipped this model with a
I've equipped this model with a state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion
state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion Drive an artificial intelligence
Drive an artificial intelligence guidance system and a super hardened
guidance system and a super hardened ceramic casing yes but can it do
this I have no further questions you're going to be the Envy of every
going to be the Envy of every 12-year-old in the park it's not for the
12-year-old in the park it's not for the park it's for unmanned space exploration
park it's for unmanned space exploration as you know I have long help firm in my
as you know I have long help firm in my beliefs that life in some form must
beliefs that life in some form must exist in other places my pleas for
exist in other places my pleas for further study have gone largely unheated
further study have gone largely unheated so I have taken it upon myself and
so I have taken it upon myself and program this to find any trace of life
program this to find any trace of life no matter how faint gather samples and
no matter how faint gather samples and return directly to me when it's done o
return directly to me when it's done o and looky it has a button
too I wish you hadn't done that I know where you're coming from
it'll be okay as soon as it collects some samples of alien life it'll return
some samples of alien life it'll return directly to
[Music] very important
evidence my first dying wish is to live but since that's not working out my
but since that's not working out my second dying wish is to have an heir to
second dying wish is to have an heir to my vast Fortune your wife will be my
my vast Fortune your wife will be my incubator thank you thank you well thank
incubator thank you thank you well thank you whatever let's get one thing
you whatever let's get one thing straight it ain't free we want $100 and
straight it ain't free we want $100 and on my quarters the unfertilized eggs are
on my quarters the unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate
ready for implanting in the surrogate hillbilly hey just cuz I take money to
hillbilly hey just cuz I take money to make babies for other people that don't
make babies for other people that don't make me no surrogate actually it
I know it ain't fair to do it this way flossy but the Bulls think you well
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] skanky it's artificial nanom machine DNA
skanky it's artificial nanom machine DNA I've synthesized the very building
I've synthesized the very building blocks of robotic life so you're saying
blocks of robotic life so you're saying the robots will be able to independently
the robots will be able to independently reproduce and evolve
reproduce and evolve yes I
yes I [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
am when do you expect it to return it depends how far it has to travel to find
depends how far it has to travel to find samples of New Life the only thing I
samples of New Life the only thing I know for sure is that it will return in
know for sure is that it will return in the end
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] h
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
you know it's lucky he has gallstones or this thing would have gone right through
this thing would have gone right through him is he going to be all right will he
him is he going to be all right will he regain Consciousness and don't assume
regain Consciousness and don't assume that because I'm as mother I want a
that because I'm as mother I want a certain answer well the lab guy says the
certain answer well the lab guy says the rocket was covered with a mixture of
rocket was covered with a mixture of genetic material including alien Bine
genetic material including alien Bine nanorobotic hillbilly and two dozen
nanorobotic hillbilly and two dozen engineers in a word he's pregnant
engineers in a word he's pregnant knocked up I told him this would happen
knocked up I told him this would happen if he kept playing with rockets you did
if he kept playing with rockets you did I'm very thorough in my warnings we'll
I'm very thorough in my warnings we'll terminate the pregnancy at once of
terminate the pregnancy at once of course don't try it Buster that's my
course don't try it Buster that's my grandson in there or grand daughter or
grandson in there or grand daughter or grand cow what were the other choices
grand cow what were the other choices again alien and robot whatever it is
again alien and robot whatever it is you'd better keep it alive this is
you'd better keep it alive this is probably my one shot to be a grandmother
probably my one shot to be a grandmother and I'm not letting anybody get in my
and I'm not letting anybody get in my way his body can't support a baby unless
way his body can't support a baby unless we pump him so full of female hormones
we pump him so full of female hormones it scrambles his gender identity
it scrambles his gender identity permanently you know if you doctors
permanently you know if you doctors stopped worrying so much about the
stopped worrying so much about the patient and started worrying more about
patient and started worrying more about the family maybe we wouldn't be in the
the family maybe we wouldn't be in the health care mess we're in but it's not
health care mess we're in but it's not safe it's not ethical oh like you give a
safe it's not ethical oh like you give a damn come on you know you want to do it
damn come on you know you want to do it I got to admit it would be something
I got to admit it would be something yeah we'll put something down on the
yeah we'll put something down on the chart all right what the hell you'll
chart all right what the hell you'll tell him when he wakes up won't
tell him when he wakes up won't you of course
swear Maybe be in the third [Music]
[Music] trimester my feet are like ice cubes is
trimester my feet are like ice cubes is anyone else cold it's exactly 72° in
anyone else cold it's exactly 72° in here the same as it's always been and I
here the same as it's always been and I might add always will be well tell that
might add always will be well tell that to my feet ratbert I'm afraid of his
to my feet ratbert I'm afraid of his slippers you know what I feel like I
slippers you know what I feel like I feel like ice cream does anyone want to
feel like ice cream does anyone want to share some dessert you read my mind
share some dessert you read my mind would you mind driving to the store and
would you mind driving to the store and getting it I don't want to be seen
getting it I don't want to be seen buying ice ice cream until I lose 5 lb
buying ice ice cream until I lose 5 lb only five is that nice if your feet are
only five is that nice if your feet are cold won't ice cream make it worse those
cold won't ice cream make it worse those are completely unrelated things I'll
are completely unrelated things I'll need some money rats don't have money
need some money rats don't have money I'll give you a check a check it's a
I'll give you a check a check it's a convenience store it's a $5 purchase who
convenience store it's a $5 purchase who writes a check for
writes a check for $5 I give
$5 I give up forget it if you must pick on every
up forget it if you must pick on every little thing I do then I don't want any
little thing I do then I don't want any ice cream or cupcakes or anything sweet
ice cream or cupcakes or anything sweet and delicious I'll just go to my room
and delicious I'll just go to my room and put on my socks fine
[Music] [Applause]
believe we heard about your accident with the rocket someday you'll look back
with the rocket someday you'll look back at it and laugh we already started
[Laughter] but seriously are there any After
but seriously are there any After Effects none that I know
Effects none that I know of the air is so dry in here doesn't it
of the air is so dry in here doesn't it wreak havoc on your skin no moisturizer
wreak havoc on your skin no moisturizer no thanks who wants a peppermint
no thanks who wants a peppermint peppermint moisturizer that's not a
peppermint moisturizer that's not a briefcase it's a freaking purse what
briefcase it's a freaking purse what else you have in that thing not much my
else you have in that thing not much my romance novel some moist towelettes
romance novel some moist towelettes chapstick
chapstick extra pair of socks in case mine get a
extra pair of socks in case mine get a r uh I mean ripped you know how socks
r uh I mean ripped you know how socks can get ripped no I do you mind if I
can get ripped no I do you mind if I borrow those keep them you're my witness
borrow those keep them you're my witness and I got these at the drugstore they're
and I got these at the drugstore they're excellent for absorbing spills oh my
God I just have to try one test Gilbert would you like to date me not in a
would you like to date me not in a million years yep he's a
million years yep he's a [Music]
[Music] woman as you know our older employees
woman as you know our older employees the ones with the highest salaries are
the ones with the highest salaries are not dying at the rate we'd hoped we've
not dying at the rate we'd hoped we've decided to reduce healthc care benefits
decided to reduce healthc care benefits to speed up the natural
process Delbert are you listening to any of this actually yes I've suddenly
of this actually yes I've suddenly developed the ability to multitask an
developed the ability to multitask an hour ago I was talking and thinking and
hour ago I was talking and thinking and typing at the same time men can't
typing at the same time men can't multitask only women can multitask and
multitask only women can multitask and lately I've started to appreciate
lately I've started to appreciate conversations that have no meaningful
conversations that have no meaningful content is anyone else cold I
content is anyone else cold I am you can borrow one of my
am you can borrow one of my Afghans this is pretty did you make it
Afghans this is pretty did you make it yourself I
wish as I was saying your new health maintenance organization will be
maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the old one
somewhat less robust than the old one how much less they operate out of an
how much less they operate out of an Italian restaurant how can doctors work
Italian restaurant how can doctors work in a restaurant they don't have doctors
in a restaurant they don't have doctors per se but if you tip the waiters enough
per se but if you tip the waiters enough they'll remove your appendix and put it
they'll remove your appendix and put it in a doggy bag for you they also have
in a doggy bag for you they also have early bird specials they're very service
early bird specials they're very service oriented sometimes I go there just for
oriented sometimes I go there just for the sponge baths what is our maternity
the sponge baths what is our maternity leave policy our maternity leave policy
leave policy our maternity leave policy is that if you feel maternal you should
is that if you feel maternal you should leave that's discrimination against
leave that's discrimination against women every day this company becomes
women every day this company becomes less familyfriendly little by little you
less familyfriendly little by little you chip away at our dignity you could get a
chip away at our dignity you could get a job someplace else Wally I'm not asking
job someplace else Wally I'm not asking you to solve my problem that was a plea
you to solve my problem that was a plea for empathy you could buy supplemental
for empathy you could buy supplemental health insurance stop trying to solve my
health insurance stop trying to solve my problems I'm just sharing my
feelings d bird if I wasn't so completely consumed by my own problems I
completely consumed by my own problems I might be persuaded to think there was
might be persuaded to think there was something wrong with you anyway here's
something wrong with you anyway here's their pamphlets also a takeout menu they
their pamphlets also a takeout menu they do delivery and may I recommend the
do delivery and may I recommend the prostate exam
Marcella now if you'll excuse me I'm late for my appointment I'm having
late for my appointment I'm having dermabrasion and
tiasu I feel different since my accident with the model rocket mhm go on for
with the model rocket mhm go on for example I no longer love my computer I
example I no longer love my computer I see it simply as a tool for increasing
see it simply as a tool for increasing my productivity H this morning I pumped
my productivity H this morning I pumped my own gas and I noticed for the first
my own gas and I noticed for the first time it makes my hand smell uhhuh and
time it makes my hand smell uhhuh and what do you think of performance reviews
what do you think of performance reviews I hate them I never cared before but now
I hate them I never cared before but now the thought of being criticized drives
the thought of being criticized drives me crazy and do you constantly find
me crazy and do you constantly find yourself wishing you could take a nap
yourself wishing you could take a nap yes do you know what's wrong with me yes
yes do you know what's wrong with me yes you've turned turned into a woman no
you've turned turned into a woman no seriously I'm serious you're a woman
seriously I'm serious you're a woman that's impossible well I can prove
that's impossible well I can prove it now tell me what you're wearing white
it now tell me what you're wearing white short sleeve shirt red and black necktie
short sleeve shirt red and black necktie black capri pants white socks and black
black capri pants white socks and black shoes what does that prove it proves
shoes what does that prove it proves you're a woman a man would have to
what are you wearing uh I don't know I'll give you a hint it's the same thing
I'll give you a hint it's the same thing you wear every day oh is it
blue a shook what clothes are you wearing um I don't know possibly a
wearing um I don't know possibly a Parker or some sort of sweater is that
Parker or some sort of sweater is that clo loud Howard what color is your shirt
clo loud Howard what color is your shirt is it a loud color what's wrong with you
is it a loud color what's wrong with you you are you all brain dead no we're male
you are you all brain dead no we're male you seem very upset maybe you could take
you seem very upset maybe you could take a pill for that stop trying to solve my
a pill for that stop trying to solve my problems you're all
[Music] so do you want to hear the most
so do you want to hear the most ridiculous thing it's what I live for
ridiculous thing it's what I live for our director of Human Resources thinks
our director of Human Resources thinks I'm a
I'm a woman is that funny or what looks like
woman is that funny or what looks like you need bigger pants I don't need
you need bigger pants I don't need bigger pants I I need smaller pants that
bigger pants I I need smaller pants that way I'll have incentive to lose
way I'll have incentive to lose weight but in the meantime I'll have to
weight but in the meantime I'll have to wear something
wear something else where did I put my sewing machine
else where did I put my sewing machine you don't own a sewing machine
really Mom can I borrow your sewing machine mine doesn't exist it's in the
machine mine doesn't exist it's in the sewing room
dear did you tell him yet I'm waiting for the Third trimester that's not going
for the Third trimester that's not going to work we have some major adjustments
to work we have some major adjustments to make here I need time to ease into
to make here I need time to ease into the grandmother thing and besides I
the grandmother thing and besides I could use a good laugh I hear
I didn't even know I could sew how do you like my new shirt I made it
you like my new shirt I made it myself I wouldn't call that a shirt of
myself I wouldn't call that a shirt of course it's a shirt I made it extra long
course it's a shirt I made it extra long so you can't tell I'm not wearing any
so you can't tell I'm not wearing any pants it's an innovation it's a dress
pants it's an innovation it's a dress you're just jealous but don't be I'm
you're just jealous but don't be I'm planning to sew you one of these for
planning to sew you one of these for your birthday H Dilbert I think dogbert
your birthday H Dilbert I think dogbert wants to tell you something really what
wants to tell you something really what sit down
down I wasn't going to tell you this until the third trimester but I see
until the third trimester but I see you're coming right along there so what
you're coming right along there so what are you talking about Dilbert you know
are you talking about Dilbert you know that experimental rocket that had its
that experimental rocket that had its way with you I wouldn't put it that way
way with you I wouldn't put it that way you will when we tell you what we know
you will when we tell you what we know the rocket had genetic material from a
the rocket had genetic material from a variety of sources a wide variety quite
variety of sources a wide variety quite varied maybe you could name a few
varied maybe you could name a few hillbilly space alien robot cow and
hillbilly space alien robot cow and several dozen Engineers wow do I make a
several dozen Engineers wow do I make a good life seeking rocket or what but
good life seeking rocket or what but that's not the best part what's the best
that's not the best part what's the best [Music]
part table for one obviously I need to see a doctor or at least a waiter right
see a doctor or at least a waiter right away what is your problem do I have to
away what is your problem do I have to say in front of the other customers yes
say in front of the other customers yes you do I'm pregnant with an alien baby
you do I'm pregnant with an alien baby or perhaps a cow or a hillbilly or a
or perhaps a cow or a hillbilly or a robot oh I recommend the Dr Eduardo
robot oh I recommend the Dr Eduardo table four he handles our Nut Cases I
table four he handles our Nut Cases I not a nut if I were a nut would I be
not a nut if I were a nut would I be dressed like
dressed like this good point points in that case I
this good point points in that case I recommend Dr Eduardo table four that's
recommend Dr Eduardo table four that's more like
it my name is Eduardo I will be your doctor May I get you a beverage ginger
doctor May I get you a beverage ginger ale please and what seems to be your
ale please and what seems to be your problem I think I'm
ah I don't see anything down there I don't think you can see that one take
don't think you can see that one take off your dress it's a shirt yes I will
off your dress it's a shirt yes I will be right back with your drinks great
be right back with your drinks great nothing to read but this menu and it's
nothing to read but this menu and it's probably been handled by a million sick
probably been handled by a million sick people already we can't afford an
people already we can't afford an ultrasound machine but our bus boy Juan
ultrasound machine but our bus boy Juan is the next best thing don't move I will
is the next best thing don't move I will make a sound wave and Juan will create a
make a sound wave and Juan will create a picture from the Sonic signature
picture from the Sonic signature [Music]
[Music] what's in there sweet Mother of
what's in there sweet Mother of God don't you think you're overreacting
God don't you think you're overreacting a
little next week on Dilbert what Dilbert's having a baby the baby might
Dilbert's having a baby the baby might be an alien or a robot or a cow or a
be an alien or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer dime a dozen do
hillbilly or an engineer dime a dozen do your friends think you dress too sexy
your friends think you dress too sexy can you help me publish a book about my
can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy I need the money follow me how
pregnancy I need the money follow me how much news can you afford tonight we take
much news can you afford tonight we take you to meet this curious man in a story
you to meet this curious man in a story we call a womb with a stew Michael
we call a womb with a stew Michael Jackson already has an order in for
Jackson already has an order in for three of them join us tomorrow on
three of them join us tomorrow on primeline when we begin gavel to gavel
primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of
coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century please rise for the
the century please rise for the honorable Judge Stone called Steve
honorable Judge Stone called Steve Austin Austin 316 says order in
Austin Austin 316 says order in court it's coming
court it's coming [Music]
[Music] last time on
last time on Dilbert so I have programmed this to
Dilbert so I have programmed this to find any trace of Life gather samples
find any trace of Life gather samples and return directly to me with it's done
and return directly to me with it's done not
not yet the unfertilized eggs are ready for
yet the unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate
hillbilly it's artificial nanom machine [Applause]
DNA when do you expect it to return the only thing I know for sure is that it
only thing I know for sure is that it will return in the
will return in the end in a word he's pregnant knocked up
end in a word he's pregnant knocked up you'll tell him when he wait Wes up
you'll tell him when he wait Wes up won't you maybe in the third trimester
won't you maybe in the third trimester your new health maintenance organization
your new health maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the
will be somewhat less robust than the old one how much less they operate out
old one how much less they operate out of an Italian restaurant I need to see a
of an Italian restaurant I need to see a doctor or at least a waiter right away
doctor or at least a waiter right away don't move I will make a soundwave and
don't move I will make a soundwave and Juan will create a picture from the
Juan will create a picture from the Sonic
signature what's in there sweet Mother of
of God don't you think think you're
God don't you think think you're overreacting a
overreacting a little
little yeah and now for our opening title
yeah and now for our opening title sequence everyone sing along
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] hey
hey [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
are you telling me this is what's inside [Music]
[Music] me oh the ultrasound never lies that's
me oh the ultrasound never lies that's not ultrasound you're boss boy Drew this
not ultrasound you're boss boy Drew this sketch while you made booping sounds at
sketch while you made booping sounds at my stomach if you're not satisfied I can
my stomach if you're not satisfied I can take it off your bill uh let me speak
take it off your bill uh let me speak with the manager I'm sorry but I don't
with the manager I'm sorry but I don't believe my baby is a bowl of fruit and a
believe my baby is a bowl of fruit and a carefully draped tablecloth I want a
carefully draped tablecloth I want a second opinion how about a Seascape with
second opinion how about a Seascape with light coming through a wave very
light coming through a wave very beautiful I demand to see an actual
beautiful I demand to see an actual doctor your health plan doesn't cover
doctor your health plan doesn't cover that but I can offer you fresh ground
that but I can offer you fresh ground pepper warm to body temperature under my
arm great I have an unidentified baby in me and my health care plan doesn't
me and my health care plan doesn't include Health Care maybe you should
include Health Care maybe you should sell your story to the tabloids I could
sell your story to the tabloids I could never stoop so low here's a woman who
never stoop so low here's a woman who gave birth to 25 babies each one the
gave birth to 25 babies each one the size of a peanut they gave her a million
size of a peanut they gave her a million dollars and a cigar box to use as a
dollars and a cigar box to use as a nursery I don't need their money I still
nursery I don't need their money I still have a job I have savings for now so I
have a job I have savings for now so I understand I'm going to be an
understand I'm going to be an uncle unless it's a girl then I'll be an
uncle unless it's a girl then I'll be an aunt shouldn't you be swimming in the
aunt shouldn't you be swimming in the sewer or something I'm taking a
sewer or something I'm taking a shortcut so you're basically a pregnant
shortcut so you're basically a pregnant woman I hope you won't treat me any
woman I hope you won't treat me any differently would you mind buying the
differently would you mind buying the cake for a Shooks birthday celebration I
cake for a Shooks birthday celebration I don't mind I suddenly enjoy shopping for
don't mind I suddenly enjoy shopping for pastries but back to my point I don't
pastries but back to my point I don't want to be treated any differently
want to be treated any differently perish the thought by the way would you
perish the thought by the way would you mind planning our next offsite staff
mind planning our next offsite staff meeting I'll do it but only because I
meeting I'll do it but only because I want it done right that's the same
want it done right that's the same reason Alice always
reason Alice always gives sucker I think we should talk
gives sucker I think we should talk about maternity leave I ever tell you
about maternity leave I ever tell you about the woman who had 25 babies each
about the woman who had 25 babies each one the size of a peanut I fired her
one the size of a peanut I fired her before she delivered you can't fire
before she delivered you can't fire someone for being pregnant that's
someone for being pregnant that's against the law it was strictly for
against the law it was strictly for safety reasons I was afraid she'd go
safety reasons I was afraid she'd go into labor and start spraying those
into labor and start spraying those babies like a Tommy Gun someone could
babies like a Tommy Gun someone could have lost an eye that is discrimination
have lost an eye that is discrimination don't get your oversized panties in a
don't get your oversized panties in a bunch D Berta you got a good month
bunch D Berta you got a good month before your performance goes all to hell
before your performance goes all to hell and I fire you if I lose my job how will
and I fire you if I lose my job how will I afford this baby you should have
I afford this baby you should have thought of that before you became a
thought of that before you became a freak of nature my work will not be
freak of nature my work will not be affected by this pregnancy no one here
affected by this pregnancy no one here will even know about it unless you tell
will even know about it unless you tell them I'll try to hold it in
that's like holding in a sneeze I'm going to break a rib can I tell one
going to break a rib can I tell one person just one well if it hurts that
person just one well if it hurts that bad I guess one person would be
bad I guess one person would be okay what zilbert's having a
okay what zilbert's having a baby did you see the new coffee
baby did you see the new coffee mugs the skywriter spelled your name
mugs the skywriter spelled your name wrong but everyone knew what they meant
wrong but everyone knew what they meant if you give birth to a hideous alien
if you give birth to a hideous alien creature would you name it Wall-E why do
creature would you name it Wall-E why do you want a hideous creature named after
you want a hideous creature named after you someday I want to turn on the news
you someday I want to turn on the news and hear Wall-E destroys a small town
and hear Wall-E destroys a small town National Guard helpless if it's a girl
National Guard helpless if it's a girl monster name and Alice it's not a
monster name and Alice it's not a monster it's either an alien or a cow or
monster it's either an alien or a cow or a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer
a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer any one of those could destroy a town
any one of those could destroy a town not the cow if the cow is part alien it
not the cow if the cow is part alien it could well maybe if it shot fire out of
could well maybe if it shot fire out of its nostrils stop talking about my baby
its nostrils stop talking about my baby that way please leave me alone all right
that way please leave me alone all right I have to go plan the offsite meeting
I have to go plan the offsite meeting anyway um actually our pointy-haired
anyway um actually our pointy-haired boss asked me to do it this year you're
boss asked me to do it this year you're horning in on my turf can't fight my
horning in on my turf can't fight my money's on the pink one we're not going
money's on the pink one we're not going to fight we're going to collaborate and
to fight we're going to collaborate and support each other like sisters in this
support each other like sisters in this Bastion of
Bastion of testosterone yes that's right we are
testosterone yes that's right we are nice dress Dilbert I love what you're
nice dress Dilbert I love what you're doing with your hair
doing with your hair Alice which
Alice which [ __ ] are you telling me the company has
[ __ ] are you telling me the company has no maternity leave program well we
no maternity leave program well we believe that maternity benefits
believe that maternity benefits encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant
encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant that is
that is ridiculous is it people die of old age
ridiculous is it people die of old age so they can collect life insurance
so they can collect life insurance explain that that's your argument that
explain that that's your argument that doesn't even make sense
M I offer you some but some I'm selfish no wonder you're loopy that
selfish no wonder you're loopy that stuff will rot your
brain yeah as much as I love solving employee
employee problems I like making this noise even
problems I like making this noise even better wow man
that so you're saying I'll receive no maternity benefits Excuse me while I run
maternity benefits Excuse me while I run back and forth for no
wow I'll tell you what if you can squeeze out the little mutant during
squeeze out the little mutant during your coffee break I won't do your back
your coffee break I won't do your back [Music]
chances so what's your story listen up I need someone to play an angry quadr
need someone to play an angry quadr seexual for a 2:00
seexual for a 2:00 taping you report to Studio trip f
marry Studio C and lastly huge men who look like women and date tiny women who
look like women and date tiny women who look like men but are used as
handbags that's all for today uh excuse me I'm having a baby the hospital's one
me I'm having a baby the hospital's one street over no I mean it would be a good
street over no I mean it would be a good topic for a show people have babies all
topic for a show people have babies all the time what's your hook I'm a man
the time what's your hook I'm a man that's not enough enough what else you
that's not enough enough what else you got uh the baby might be an alien or a
got uh the baby might be an alien or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an
robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer di a dozen do your friends
engineer di a dozen do your friends think you dress too sexy uh no one has
think you dress too sexy uh no one has mentioned it if your mother steals your
mentioned it if your mother steals your boyfriend call
me can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy I need the money are you
my pregnancy I need the money are you willing to wear a hidden microphone and
willing to wear a hidden microphone and incriminate your friends my only friend
incriminate your friends my only friend is dogbert dogbert is your friend why
is dogbert dogbert is your friend why didn't you say say so you know him we
didn't you say say so you know him we worked together during the Watergate
worked together during the Watergate scandal when his code name was deep
scandal when his code name was deep throat don't tell him I mentioned that
throat don't tell him I mentioned that about my book I'll help you but first we
about my book I'll help you but first we need to stir the pot stir the
need to stir the pot stir the pot what you have is a little story we
pot what you have is a little story we need to whip it into a big story how do
need to whip it into a big story how do we do
we do that follow me
that follow me [Music]
[Music] we'd like to see Mr Big he doesn't take
we'd like to see Mr Big he doesn't take visitors we're friends of dog Bird go
visitors we're friends of dog Bird go right
[Music] in how much news can you afford we want
in how much news can you afford we want a standard Seed story you get 10% of the
a standard Seed story you get 10% of the back end sounds fair what's a seed story
back end sounds fair what's a seed story I apologize for him he was raised in a
I apologize for him he was raised in a hollow tree a seed story is one that
hollow tree a seed story is one that will grow into a media frenzy once it
will grow into a media frenzy once it has been planted then the media frenzy
has been planted then the media frenzy replaces the original story and becomes
replaces the original story and becomes the bigger story that's how we
the bigger story that's how we manufacture the news but my story is
manufacture the news but my story is real I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know
real I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know who the genetic mother and father are
who the genetic mother and father are that's news no that's just a fascinating
that's news no that's just a fascinating fact it isn't News until we say it is
fact it isn't News until we say it is shall we stir the pot
CL we have a pregnant man genetic parents unknown I want Total saturation
parents unknown I want Total saturation let's do it
upright tonight on Prim line the case of the pregnant man who are the real
the pregnant man who are the real genetic parents aliens Hillbillies
genetic parents aliens Hillbillies robots cows or engine Engineers tonight
robots cows or engine Engineers tonight we take you to meet this curious man in
we take you to meet this curious man in a story we call a womb with a stew and
a story we call a womb with a stew and you've heard about this guy well he's
you've heard about this guy well he's sort of a guy and he's reportedly a
sort of a guy and he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly
surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly robot engineer
robot engineer cowbaby Michael Jackson already has an
cowbaby Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of
order in for three of them part cow part engineer and do you
them part cow part engineer and do you think it'll spend a lot of nights
think it'll spend a lot of nights surfing the internet and milking itself
hey there he is leave us alone leave us alone very convincing who is Gilbert and
alone very convincing who is Gilbert and how will neighbors take to an alien in
how will neighbors take to an alien in their midst Americans are asking what is
their midst Americans are asking what is just have a seat off his drudge alien's
just have a seat off his drudge alien's Daddy dber can an alien baby love but
Daddy dber can an alien baby love but he's already asking the
he's already asking the questions done they'll get your side
questions done they'll get your side later this brings up the obvious
later this brings up the obvious question what are your feelings about
question what are your feelings about the upom Landmark custody battle over
the upom Landmark custody battle over your unborn custody battle there's no
your unborn custody battle there's no custody battle there will be tomorrow
custody battle there will be tomorrow join us tomorrow on primeline when we
join us tomorrow on primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the
begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century in a
fetus custody battle of the century in a story we call It's a Wonderful
story we call It's a Wonderful Strife I'm already casting the
Strife I'm already casting the miniseries in my head I don't know if
miniseries in my head I don't know if you can hear me in there Studies have
you can hear me in there Studies have been
been inconclusive unfortunately you're the
inconclusive unfortunately you're the only one I can talk to right now don't
only one I can talk to right now don't take this the wrong way but I don't mind
take this the wrong way but I don't mind losing the custody battle I'm not
losing the custody battle I'm not exactly qualified to be a parent I'm
exactly qualified to be a parent I'm more than happy to let you go to a
more than happy to let you go to a better home with real parents but if
better home with real parents but if custody is awarded to the wrong people
custody is awarded to the wrong people and there are plenty of those I'll
and there are plenty of those I'll protect you with everything I've got
protect you with everything I've got little guy if you agree kick twice if
little guy if you agree kick twice if you disagree kick just once
if you at home would like to vote on who you would prefer to be awarded custody
you would prefer to be awarded custody of the mystery fetus call 90055 51234
of the mystery fetus call 90055 51234 each call is $4 proceeds will be donated
each call is $4 proceeds will be donated to someone but don't ask to see a re I
to someone but don't ask to see a re I hope this doesn't become
hope this doesn't become undignified please rise for the
undignified please rise for the honorable Judge Stone called Steve
honorable Judge Stone called Steve Austin
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] since when did Stone Cold become a judge
since when did Stone Cold become a judge both sides wave their rights to him an
both sides wave their rights to him an actual judge we did he's very big with
actual judge we did he's very big with the team demographic we'll get pick up
the team demographic we'll get pick up on all the networks what about Justice
on all the networks what about Justice it didn't do well with the focus
groups Austin 316 says order in court let's have opening arguments in the
let's have opening arguments in the custody case of Dilbert versus Aliens
custody case of Dilbert versus Aliens robots cows Hillbillies a billionaire
robots cows Hillbillies a billionaire and 17 Engineers your honor my clients
and 17 Engineers your honor my clients demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's
demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's womb or stomach or upper colon whatever
womb or stomach or upper colon whatever it is they believe they can give it a
it is they believe they can give it a more wholesome family
more wholesome family life they want to raise the child
life they want to raise the child together they make a very effective
together they make a very effective family unit for one thing you'll never
family unit for one thing you'll never want for milk and you've got your alien
want for milk and you've got your alien technology for fighting diseases you've
technology for fighting diseases you've got your Billionaire's resources your
got your Billionaire's resources your robots for domestic chores and your
robots for domestic chores and your Hillbillies for for uh if you got a
Hillbillies for for uh if you got a woodchuck's problem we'll kill them and
woodchuck's problem we'll kill them and cook them exactly and 17 Engineers to
cook them exactly and 17 Engineers to explain things no matter how much you
explain things no matter how much you insist you don't need to know if I may
insist you don't need to know if I may elaborate on that
I you make a strong case so let's begin the character
the character assassination is it true you annihilated
assassination is it true you annihilated the planet of NEP 5 a world inhabited
the planet of NEP 5 a world inhabited entirely by teddy bears
s sometimes in a meeting Dilbert will pick up a shook our intern and just
pick up a shook our intern and just shake the pesas out of them so you admit
shake the pesas out of them so you admit that you chew
cud all I'm saying is that when we collect money to buy someone a birthday
collect money to buy someone a birthday card it always comes back lighter after
card it always comes back lighter after Dilbert has the envelope I've heard
Dilbert has the envelope I've heard enough I prepared to award custody to
enough I prepared to award custody to the freaks wait I haven't had a chance
the freaks wait I haven't had a chance to speak on my own behalf we have two
to speak on my own behalf we have two more minutes Stone Cold you've got two
more minutes Stone Cold you've got two minutes I'll put Plan B in De motion At
minutes I'll put Plan B in De motion At first I felt I was nothing more than
first I felt I was nothing more than luggage for the fetus inside me but over
luggage for the fetus inside me but over time I've developed feelings for this
time I've developed feelings for this baby I didn't understand them at first
baby I didn't understand them at first but now I know they are feelings of
but now I know they are feelings of motherly
motherly [Laughter]
love my only goal is to do what's best for this baby maybe maybe that means I
for this baby maybe maybe that means I don't raise it myself but I will never
don't raise it myself but I will never ever turn my baby over to
ever turn my baby over to them they don't care about this baby
them they don't care about this baby they each have their own selfish motives
they each have their own selfish motives whatever you decide Judge Stone Cold
whatever you decide Judge Stone Cold please use your wisdom and compassion in
please use your wisdom and compassion in making your
making your decision thank
decision thank you you want compassion take your ass to
you you want compassion take your ass to church custody is awarded to The
church custody is awarded to The Freaks and that's the bottom line
Freaks and that's the bottom line C Stone Cold
I think my water's going to break oh there's a lot in there we're ready ready
[Music] hurry if this works you'll be safe and
hurry if this works you'll be safe and loved
loved [Music]
[Music] wait I'll give you a billion dollars for
wait I'll give you a billion dollars for the
the baby that's billion with a
baby that's billion with a b
no oh my where did you send it Dilbert think of it as a student Exchange
think of it as a student Exchange program mom did it look like you in a
program mom did it look like you in a lot of ways it
[Music] did ever since we sent our only child
did ever since we sent our only child away when we thought our planet was to
away when we thought our planet was to be destroyed we have been so lonely who
be destroyed we have been so lonely who knew our planet would survive the
knew our planet would survive the cataclysm the weather reports are never
cataclysm the weather reports are never accurate
[Music] I wonder if that's the package from dog
I wonder if that's the package from dog bird
I'm sure you all remember the disaster at last year's picnic when our wieners
at last year's picnic when our wieners turned out to be
turned out to be defective I almost lost an eye but the
defective I almost lost an eye but the Buns were excellent yes they were but
Buns were excellent yes they were but this year we can't rest on our buns no
this year we can't rest on our buns no matter how plump and delicious they
matter how plump and delicious they might be you will not make this a
might be you will not make this a hostile work environment good Lord man
hostile work environment good Lord man why don't you just rub steak sauce on my
why don't you just rub steak sauce on my body and drag me from the back of a
body and drag me from the back of a fishing boat does anyone know what
fishing boat does anyone know what Wally's talking about well I'm no expert
Wally's talking about well I'm no expert on Psychopaths but I'd say he's afraid
on Psychopaths but I'd say he's afraid of the Ann ual marketing versus
of the Ann ual marketing versus engineering softball game it's that time
engineering softball game it's that time of year when we sporty people in
of year when we sporty people in marketing give you Engineers your annual
marketing give you Engineers your annual lesson in humility are you actually
lesson in humility are you actually proud of the fact that you spent your
proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports
youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel at the
just so you could excel at the picnicking Arts I don't think I'm
picnicking Arts I don't think I'm telling Tales out of school and by
telling Tales out of school and by school I mean our fine local community
school I mean our fine local community colleges when I say ABS a positively
colleges when I say ABS a positively that means
that means yes while you were learning to crush
yes while you were learning to crush beer cans on your foreheads we future
beer cans on your foreheads we future engineers were developing our minds uh
engineers were developing our minds uh I'm not following you me neither
I'm not following you me neither something about beer forget it I think
something about beer forget it I think it's safe to say that the market gurus
it's safe to say that the market gurus will clean the field with you losers for
will clean the field with you losers for the 10th year in a row not this year my
the 10th year in a row not this year my friend the crapulous rule can we get a
friend the crapulous rule can we get a new name for our team I hate being a
new name for our team I hate being a crapulent you got any better ideas no
crapulent you got any better ideas no that's settled now let's make some
that's settled now let's make some wiener related decisions do we want
wiener related decisions do we want chicken or beef both very EX expensive
chicken or beef both very EX expensive in allowing no budget for beer or a new
in allowing no budget for beer or a new lowcost alternative that I own stock in
lowcost alternative that I own stock in called zoo no more I like that last one
called zoo no more I like that last one good choice now how do we want them
good choice now how do we want them cooked I apologize for my tardiness but
cooked I apologize for my tardiness but there was a fire in one of the research
there was a fire in one of the research Labs would someone please extinguish me
Labs would someone please extinguish me what is it with you young interns it's
what is it with you young interns it's always me me me how about being a team
always me me me how about being a team player just once in your life sit down a
player just once in your life sit down a shook we have important work here may I
shook we have important work here may I roll around on the carpet first yes but
roll around on the carpet first yes but it counts as vacation time I am only an
it counts as vacation time I am only an intern I have so few vacation
much can we get this over with that Aroma burning flesh is making me hungry
Aroma burning flesh is making me hungry me too boy I'll say hold
me too boy I'll say hold on am I the only one who isn't crazy
on am I the only one who isn't crazy about hot dogs made from old zebra meat
about hot dogs made from old zebra meat don't forget about that silky shiny
don't forget about that silky shiny mouth watering zebra
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] yes
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
Vern Wegman he was captain of the only engineering team that ever beat
engineering team that ever beat marketing at softball how is that even
marketing at softball how is that even possible it was the year they used an
possible it was the year they used an electronic scoreboard Vern rigged it
electronic scoreboard Vern rigged it they won by the score of 162 to 159
they won by the score of 162 to 159 despite the fact no engineer ever got on
despite the fact no engineer ever got on base hey you're letting the cold in
base hey you're letting the cold in you're alive I retired I didn't die you
you're alive I retired I didn't die you nitwit read the little
nitwit read the little sign Vern Wegman left the company in
sign Vern Wegman left the company in 1982 and is now employed as his own bust
1982 and is now employed as his own bust several inches from this sign why would
several inches from this sign why would you agree to do this apparently you
you agree to do this apparently you haven't looked at your pension plan too
haven't looked at your pension plan too closely I made the same mistake at your
closely I made the same mistake at your age now I'm getting paid $2 an hour and
age now I'm getting paid $2 an hour and I'm glad to have it tell us about the
I'm glad to have it tell us about the day you beat marketing press this
it it started as just another softball game between marketing and
game between marketing and Engineering in the later Innings as was
Engineering in the later Innings as was their custom the marketing team was
their custom the marketing team was ricocheting their home runs off the
ricocheting their home runs off the heads of the opposing
team in times like these sometimes heroes are
heroes are [Applause]
[Applause] born burn weitman was just such a hero I
born burn weitman was just such a hero I get goosebumps during this burn riged
get goosebumps during this burn riged the electronic scoreboard so he could
the electronic scoreboard so he could control it
control it remotely he was an
remotely he was an unscrupulous
unscrupulous uncoordinated cheating
uncoordinated cheating weasel in a word he was a hero didn't
weasel in a word he was a hero didn't you feel guilty cheating you know how
you feel guilty cheating you know how you still have a shred of self-respect
you still have a shred of self-respect yes you'll get over it I don't think I
yes you'll get over it I don't think I will you'd
better I know you're all afraid of being humiliated by the marketing department
humiliated by the marketing department softball team but remember you have a
softball team but remember you have a secret weapon what is it have me as your
secret weapon what is it have me as your player coach we'll start with some
player coach we'll start with some infield
practice ball [Music]
[Music] one what's he doing I think he's going
one what's he doing I think he's going for the walk way to go
I think we need a new player coach preferably someone who isn't a total
preferably someone who isn't a total Wall-E what exactly do you mean by that
Wall-E what exactly do you mean by that we use your name as a pejorative now you
we use your name as a pejorative now you do yeah you know as in he's a total
do yeah you know as in he's a total Wall-E or I've got to take a Wall-E that
Wall-E or I've got to take a Wall-E that sort of thing H it's
sort of thing H it's catchy I think I know the perfect player
catchy I think I know the perfect player coach for
coach for us so what do you think coach I think I
us so what do you think coach I think I have my work cut out for me listen up
have my work cut out for me listen up we'll start with the basics hitting a
we'll start with the basics hitting a baseball is the most difficult thing in
baseball is the most difficult thing in all of sports but getting hit by a pitch
all of sports but getting hit by a pitch is the easiest in this drill you'll
is the easiest in this drill you'll learn how to stand directly on the
plate good next time try running toward the pitcher in Anger it's much more
the pitcher in Anger it's much more convincing this is slow pitch softball
convincing this is slow pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if
I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch now let's hope
you get hit by a pitch now let's hope the other team doesn't know know that
ice you got to stay hydrated and by you I mean
I mean me I've assessed your abilities and
me I've assessed your abilities and assigned positions Wall-E your second
assigned positions Wall-E your second base I don't know how to play second
base I don't know how to play second base it's easy just wear white canvas
base it's easy just wear white canvas clothing and lie on the ground for nine
clothing and lie on the ground for nine innings I can do that a shook there's
innings I can do that a shook there's some confusion over whether you're
some confusion over whether you're right-handed or
right-handed or left-handed throw me the ball with your
left-handed throw me the ball with your right
hand now the left [Music]
hand n of the above I'm putting you on first base my
above I'm putting you on first base my catching Talent isn't anything to email
catching Talent isn't anything to email home about either I'll just stand there
home about either I'll just stand there with your arms slightly away from your
with your arms slightly away from your side we might just get lucky and wedge
side we might just get lucky and wedge one in there very good Alice we're a
one in there very good Alice we're a little short-handed so you're playing
little short-handed so you're playing catcher and center fielder at the same
catcher and center fielder at the same time it's always the woman who has to
time it's always the woman who has to work twice as hard pointy haired boss
work twice as hard pointy haired boss you're on the Hot Corner Dilbert you'll
you're on the Hot Corner Dilbert you'll be pitching okay good pitching always
be pitching okay good pitching always beats good hitting although I realize
beats good hitting although I realize it's meaningless unless the term good is
it's meaningless unless the term good is defined in both cases and even then it's
defined in both cases and even then it's only a matter of likelihood not a sure
thing in fact I don't even know why I said it can crappy pitching beat good
said it can crappy pitching beat good hitting too I don't think so
hitting too I don't think so oh ah Dilbert our star pitcher did I
oh ah Dilbert our star pitcher did I mention that your career depends on us
mention that your career depends on us winning the softball game against
winning the softball game against marketing why are you putting all the
marketing why are you putting all the pressure on me I'm just one player
pressure on me I'm just one player you're the pitcher good pitching always
you're the pitcher good pitching always always beats good hitting you said so
always beats good hitting you said so yourself but it's not accurate it's just
yourself but it's not accurate it's just something people say well they couldn't
something people say well they couldn't say it if it wasn't true yes they could
say it if it wasn't true yes they could you lie to us every day oh that's not
you lie to us every day oh that's not lying that's
lying that's managing Studies have shown there's a
managing Studies have shown there's a big difference what studies you know
big difference what studies you know studies various ones you're managing me
studies various ones you're managing me right now aren't you see Wally
right now aren't you see Wally understands
understands woo this is disgusting can't you at
woo this is disgusting can't you at least pretend not to look that's like
least pretend not to look that's like holding in a sneeze you could crack a
holding in a sneeze you could crack a rib she must be new and engineering
rib she must be new and engineering that's impossible there are no
that's impossible there are no attractive women in engineering what are
attractive women in engineering what are you talking about look at me I can no
you talking about look at me I can no longer see your physical Beauty Alice
longer see your physical Beauty Alice it's overwhelmed by uh your professional
it's overwhelmed by uh your professional competence oh I guess that's all right
competence oh I guess that's all right hi I'm from marketing I hope you don't
hi I'm from marketing I hope you don't mind me drinking the coffee in the
mind me drinking the coffee in the engineering breakroom you mind us
engineering breakroom you mind us looking at you walks as good as a hit I
looking at you walks as good as a hit I mind that gets charged against your cost
mind that gets charged against your cost center my name is Juliet what's yours my
center my name is Juliet what's yours my what your name oh I I'm I'm Dilbert and
what your name oh I I'm I'm Dilbert and this
this is I forget and this is it doesn't
is I forget and this is it doesn't matter I'm just fine and you I'm
matter I'm just fine and you I'm mortified well that's an unusual name
mortified well that's an unusual name for an unusual woman it's not my name
for an unusual woman it's not my name but thank you now I'm all confused I
but thank you now I'm all confused I guess I'll see at the company picnic
guess I'll see at the company picnic [Music]
I guess you will it was very nice to meet you
meet you Dilbert forget her Dilbert it'll never
Dilbert forget her Dilbert it'll never work what do you mean Dilbert she was
work what do you mean Dilbert she was flirting with me you think it can't work
flirting with me you think it can't work because she's in marketing that's only
because she's in marketing that's only the half of it she's going to see you
the half of it she's going to see you play softball you're right not only will
play softball you're right not only will she see how uncoordinated you are but
she see how uncoordinated you are but she will also see you in shorts this
she will also see you in shorts this isn't good I'd love to chat but I have
isn't good I'd love to chat but I have to go down to the wiener District to buy
to go down to the wiener District to buy some meat for the picnic there's a
some meat for the picnic there's a wiener
blood oh too expensive this one looks about right hey
expensive this one looks about right hey buddy only suckers pay retail I don't
buddy only suckers pay retail I don't want to be a sucker best prices best
want to be a sucker best prices best selection in all of Wier toown how do I
selection in all of Wier toown how do I know they're good
know they're good can I borrow your
this are you sure this is what athletes are wearing now you said you didn't want
are wearing now you said you didn't want your legs to show I'm just trying to
your legs to show I'm just trying to help it's important because Juliet will
help it's important because Juliet will be seeing me outside the office for the
be seeing me outside the office for the first time sounds like you have a zone
first time sounds like you have a zone of competence problem a what women are
of competence problem a what women are only impressed by men who excel at
only impressed by men who excel at whatever they're doing it's an evolution
whatever they're doing it's an evolution thing in your case that means
thing in your case that means engineering if she sees you outside of
engineering if she sees you outside of engineering you'll look like a wounded
engineering you'll look like a wounded gazelle who needs to be thinned from the
gazelle who needs to be thinned from the herd man I wish we were debugging source
herd man I wish we were debugging source code
code Instead at least you look great thanks
Instead at least you look great thanks to me you're positive this is what
to me you're positive this is what everyone is wearing for workouts the
everyone is wearing for workouts the stores are full of them
stores are full of them [Music]
this might actually be fun I know I'm planning to enjoy
it is it my imagination or are people staring at me you're wearing new
staring at me you're wearing new sneakers right yes now that's probably
why yes I get to break the news hey guys ready for the big game Wally has
ready for the big game Wally has something to tell you wait I must
something to tell you wait I must capture this moment it is my duty n my
capture this moment it is my duty n my privilege n just a guilty pleasure to
privilege n just a guilty pleasure to inform you that you are wearing women's
inform you that you are wearing women's clothing what the outfit the get up it's
clothing what the outfit the get up it's a woman's exercise
outfit we should call him bird can I take one more for safety I thought you
take one more for safety I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes
said everyone was wearing these clothes I meant everyone who's a woman I might
I meant everyone who's a woman I might have left that part out yes now what am
have left that part out yes now what am I going to do I can't take the field
I going to do I can't take the field looking like this calm down I have a
looking like this calm down I have a spare set of shorts in my picnic basket
spare set of shorts in my picnic basket you can wear those over your thong I'll
you can wear those over your thong I'll never be able to run in these just
never be able to run in these just tighten the belt and tie the legs tight
tighten the belt and tie the legs tight you'll be fine
hi Juliet remember me we shared a coffee stirer I brought it with me in case you
stirer I brought it with me in case you need it again um thank you that was um
need it again um thank you that was um sweet it was weird is what it was she's
sweet it was weird is what it was she's not your type Shakespeare just move
not your type Shakespeare just move along there's no law that says Engineers
along there's no law that says Engineers can't date women for marketing it's more
can't date women for marketing it's more complicated than that Dilbert I'm a
complicated than that Dilbert I'm a market girl you're a crapulent our work
market girl you're a crapulent our work groups would never understand but we can
groups would never understand but we can get past that Juliet I have you playing
get past that Juliet I have you playing 2B 2B that means second base stay away
2B 2B that means second base stay away from her you've been
from her you've been warned I'll be playing 2B if you make it
warned I'll be playing 2B if you make it that far we can talk there second base
that far we can talk there second base no engineer has ever gotten that far
no engineer has ever gotten that far softball is outside my zone of
softball is outside my zone of competence you have to for us for
competence you have to for us for us I'll make it
us I'll make it Juliet I have to
Juliet I have to go to be or not to be that is the
go to be or not to be that is the question I didn't have time to buy buns
question I didn't have time to buy buns but I think you'll find this just as
but I think you'll find this just as good hey give me a hot dog bring on meat
good hey give me a hot dog bring on meat pops settle down we've got enough for
everyone I'll see you on second base I'll count the minutes that is it you
I'll count the minutes that is it you stinking crap you at on gu
stinking crap you at on gu [Music]
[Music] Dilbert that would have looked so
Dilbert that would have looked so impressive nice try though
impressive nice try though Dilbert let that be a lesson to you
Dilbert let that be a lesson to you crapulent never try to date a market
crapulent never try to date a market Guru
Guru [Music]
the key to this game is to demoralize them from the
them from the [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] they're not as demoralized as I had
they're not as demoralized as I had hoped Dilbert your lead off according to
hoped Dilbert your lead off according to my research the leadoff batter should be
my research the leadoff batter should be the player most likely to get on base
the player most likely to get on base [Music]
exactly huh huh [Music]
[Music] uh-oh you hit the batter he gets first
uh-oh you hit the batter he gets first base I hit his pants not him pants are
base I hit his pants not him pants are part of the
player oh man [Music]
I will be with you soon my love give Dilbert the signal to Steel second
Dilbert the signal to Steel second Dilbert steel
Dilbert steel second I meant the hand signal oh you
second I meant the hand signal oh you run second base I hope they don't steal
run second base I hope they don't steal our
together what's wrong with [Music]
[Music] Dilbert this is your
Dilbert this is your [Music]
[Music] chance Gilbert I wonder if it was
chance Gilbert I wonder if it was something they
ate probably the potato salad [Music]
[Music] Juliet you're okay it must have been the
Juliet you're okay it must have been the hot dogs I think they were
hot dogs I think they were bad I'm so glad you're the only person
bad I'm so glad you're the only person in marketing who didn't eat them oh I
in marketing who didn't eat them oh I wish that were
wish that were true oh
true oh no we'll take her to the hospital with
no we'll take her to the hospital with the others and pump her stomach but when
the others and pump her stomach but when she gets reunited with the others
she gets reunited with the others they'll keep us apart I can't let that
they'll keep us apart I can't let that happen I won't there's nothing you can
happen I won't there's nothing you can do about it Romeo we we'll see about
that hey oh no look I've got food poisoning too you
no look I've got food poisoning too you have to take me to the hospital and pump
have to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach we'd like to share an
my stomach we'd like to share an ambulance well I guess that would be
ambulance well I guess that would be okay I can't believe you fell for that
okay I can't believe you fell for that joke I didn't eat the hot dogs I was
joke I didn't eat the hot dogs I was just kidding around with
just kidding around with you you even have a sense of humor I
you you even have a sense of humor I love you more than ever oh wow you
love you more than ever oh wow you really ate a poison hot dog just to be
really ate a poison hot dog just to be with me that is so sweet incredibly
with me that is so sweet incredibly stupid but
stupid but sweet really stupid the stupidity far
sweet really stupid the stupidity far outweighs the
outweighs the sweetness but the craziest part about
sweetness but the craziest part about this is that it was still the best Aid I
this is that it was still the best Aid I ever had
ever had [Music]
[Music] that only took 15 minutes they're very
that only took 15 minutes they're very good the whole thing was only 1995 you
good the whole thing was only 1995 you didn't take any of the extras did you
didn't take any of the extras did you that's how they get you I was very
that's how they get you I was very thirsty uh-oh you know they don't have
thirsty uh-oh you know they don't have water fountains in that place
water fountains in that place they sold me a glass of ginger ale for
they sold me a glass of ginger ale for $3,000 but it was worth it I really miss
$3,000 but it was worth it I really miss Juliet I think she really like me like
Juliet I think she really like me like is a strong word it's possible you like
is a strong word it's possible you like me you f a special place in my life in
me you f a special place in my life in your heart on the couch your head blocks
your heart on the couch your head blocks the light from the lamp so it doesn't
the light from the lamp so it doesn't get in my eyes
get in my eyes [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
what are you doing I'm posting false information on the web why it's fun
information on the web why it's fun someone picks up a strand of false
someone picks up a strand of false information spreads it around and before
information spreads it around and before you know it a panic is created then you
you know it a panic is created then you just sit back and watch the chaos and
just sit back and watch the chaos and figure out a way to exploit it no doubt
figure out a way to exploit it no doubt you say that as if it's a bad thing I
you say that as if it's a bad thing I don't think that is what the worldwide
don't think that is what the worldwide web was created for Ah that's where
web was created for Ah that's where you're wrong do you have any idea how
you're wrong do you have any idea how difficult it was to spread rumors before
difficult it was to spread rumors before mailings cold calling sometimes I had to
mailings cold calling sometimes I had to go door too it was a real pain thanks to
go door too it was a real pain thanks to the new tech technology my productivity
the new tech technology my productivity has increased just in the last couple of
has increased just in the last couple of years I've been able to create fear
years I've been able to create fear about cell phones power lines and organ
about cell phones power lines and organ theft Rings you must be very proud it's
theft Rings you must be very proud it's fulfilling well the last thing I want to
fulfilling well the last thing I want to do right now is sit in front of a
do right now is sit in front of a computer screen my neck is all stiff and
computer screen my neck is all stiff and I'm blurry eyed from sitting all day in
I'm blurry eyed from sitting all day in my cubicle staring at one H you don't
my cubicle staring at one H you don't say what are you doing now do you ever
say what are you doing now do you ever feel anxious tired or depressed in your
feel anxious tired or depressed in your cubicle I've never felt any other way
cubicle I've never felt any other way chaing symptoms include blurred vision
chaing symptoms include blurred vision muscle joint pain anxiety fatigue
muscle joint pain anxiety fatigue depression the conclusion is inescapable
depression the conclusion is inescapable symptoms of what what conclusion an
symptoms of what what conclusion an epidemic of chronic cubical syndrome did
epidemic of chronic cubical syndrome did you say chronic cubical syndrome hearing
you say chronic cubical syndrome hearing loss you just made that up correction I
loss you just made that up correction I have discovered a here to for
have discovered a here to for undiagnosed condition there is no such
undiagnosed condition there is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome
thing as chronic cubicle syndrome initially victims exhibit denial but you
initially victims exhibit denial but you have no proof oh I have something much
have no proof oh I have something much better than proof anecdotal evidence who
better than proof anecdotal evidence who do you think would be dumb enough to
do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence oh I've
believe anecdotal evidence oh I've narrowed my target market to people I
narrowed my target market to people I have news for you we people are smarter
have news for you we people are smarter than we look how hard would that be
than we look how hard would that be really personally I require scientific
really personally I require scientific evidence before I believe anything no
evidence before I believe anything no you don't yes I do no you only think you
you don't yes I do no you only think you do but in fact you rely on media reports
do but in fact you rely on media reports that scientific evidence exists you
that scientific evidence exists you don't actually see the evidence yourself
don't actually see the evidence yourself I don't have time to read all the
I don't have time to read all the scientific studies myself oh so you're
scientific studies myself oh so you're not gullible you're just busy that's
not gullible you're just busy that's right so when I tell people they have
right so when I tell people they have chronic cubicle syndrome they won't be
chronic cubicle syndrome they won't be gullible they'll be busy just like you
gullible they'll be busy just like you you're being ridiculous other symptoms
you're being ridiculous other symptoms include poor perception I do not have
include poor perception I do not have poor perception irritability stop that
poor perception irritability stop that stop it right now bouts of irrational
stop it right now bouts of irrational shouting are you trying to make me crazy
shouting are you trying to make me crazy paranoia now what
paranoia now what now my ghost writer will put the
now my ghost writer will put the finishing touches on the book you've
finishing touches on the book you've been writing a book while we've been
been writing a book while we've been talking I know how that sounds and you'd
talking I know how that sounds and you'd be right
be right Raper how may I be of service to you
Raper how may I be of service to you higher life forms you can't publish a
higher life forms you can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition
book about an unproven medical condition apparently you haven't been to the
apparently you haven't been to the bookstore lately proofread publish
bookstore lately proofread publish distribute
Roger we're very fortunate to live in the time time of dog bird this isn't
the time time of dog bird this isn't happening add delusions to the symptoms
happening add delusions to the symptoms list you got it
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
we're talking with the bestselling author of chronic cubical syndrome if
author of chronic cubical syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it
you think you've got it you've got it dogbert dogbert welcome could you repeat
dogbert dogbert welcome could you repeat the name of the book uh sure chronic
the name of the book uh sure chronic cubicle syndrome if you think you've got
cubicle syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it how about you honey
it you've got it how about you honey this is an equal opportunity condition
this is an equal opportunity condition okay chronic cubical syndrome if you
okay chronic cubical syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it now Mr
think you've got it you've got it now Mr dogbert tell us what exactly is chronic
dogbert tell us what exactly is chronic cubicle syndrome oh I can't divulge that
cubicle syndrome oh I can't divulge that information you'll have to buy the book
information you'll have to buy the book what's it called again nice try I can
what's it called again nice try I can tell you that millions of people suffer
tell you that millions of people suffer from chronic cubicle syndrome it's a
from chronic cubicle syndrome it's a worldwide epidemic how would one know if
worldwide epidemic how would one know if one had chronic cubicle
one had chronic cubicle syndrome if you think you've got it
syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it is there any scientific
you've got it is there any scientific evidence to support your claim the best
evidence to support your claim the best kind it's called
anecdotal this is preposterous I'm a scientist and I tell you all that
scientist and I tell you all that anecdotal evidence is worthless talk to
anecdotal evidence is worthless talk to the
hand you certainly made him look like a boob we get all kinds I think we all
boob we get all kinds I think we all know from past experience that the
know from past experience that the scientific and medical community will
scientific and medical community will try to suppress this information behind
try to suppress this information behind red tape and double blind studies until
red tape and double blind studies until it's too late how many people have to
it's too late how many people have to die sir
die sir yeah it says in your bio that you're a
yeah it says in your bio that you're a doctor but our producer checked with the
doctor but our producer checked with the medical boards and we find no record of
medical boards and we find no record of you how do you explain that talk to the
you how do you explain that talk to the [Applause]
[Applause] hand there you have it our next Market
hand there you have it our next Market opportunity chronic cubicle syndrome I
opportunity chronic cubicle syndrome I hate to break it to you but there's no
hate to break it to you but there's no such thing as chronic cubical syndrome
such thing as chronic cubical syndrome I've heard of it you've heard of it
I've heard of it you've heard of it because it was just on TV so I think I
because it was just on TV so I think I have chronic cubical syndrome does it
have chronic cubical syndrome does it make your butt wider I'm losing muscle
make your butt wider I'm losing muscle tone I wondered what was causing that
tone I wondered what was causing that sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by
sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by n poops I believe that is a symptom of
n poops I believe that is a symptom of CCS Wally what's it say if this is a
CCS Wally what's it say if this is a ventriloquism act it's better with a
ventriloquism act it's better with a dummy I mean the tape measure calm down
dummy I mean the tape measure calm down there is no such thing as chronic
there is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome
cubicle syndrome Dilbert I value your input now who wants
Dilbert I value your input now who wants to develop a product to combat chronic
to develop a product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome first of all we're not
cubicle syndrome first of all we're not a pharmaceutical company second we're
a pharmaceutical company second we're Engineers not biochemists Dilbert I
Engineers not biochemists Dilbert I value your input now who wants to help
value your input now who wants to help Dilbert develop a product to combat
Dilbert develop a product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome hands you know
chronic cubicle syndrome hands you know the facts are completely against us here
the facts are completely against us here all right hang on here you know in our
all right hang on here you know in our man rush to cash in on this horrible
man rush to cash in on this horrible condition before the competition and
condition before the competition and before the class action suits get filed
before the class action suits get filed are we perhaps getting ahead of
are we perhaps getting ahead of ourselves what is our moral
ourselves what is our moral responsibility yes that is exactly what
responsibility yes that is exactly what I'm saying perhaps we need further
I'm saying perhaps we need further research yes perhaps further study yes
research yes perhaps further study yes well who's got time for that you PR no
well who's got time for that you PR no we need to create some favorable facts
we need to create some favorable facts first now favorable facts yes favorable
first now favorable facts yes favorable facts the other kind are worthless now
facts the other kind are worthless now let's see let's see we could flip a coin
let's see let's see we could flip a coin too risky we could test humans that's
too risky we could test humans that's always fun what about monkeys or rabbits
always fun what about monkeys or rabbits or puppies we've had some success
or puppies we've had some success hurting them in the past haven't we
hurting them in the past haven't we Dilbert could do some tests on mice mice
Dilbert could do some tests on mice mice are full of favorable facts very good
are full of favorable facts very good mice it
mice it is this is ridiculous but at least
is this is ridiculous but at least that's vaguely scientific I'll need a
that's vaguely scientific I'll need a bud to get some mice say what we're not
bud to get some mice say what we're not paying for mice good God man the streets
paying for mice good God man the streets are full of them it looks so real w-e
are full of them it looks so real w-e did you bring the
did you bring the cheese yes it's delicious and now the
cheese yes it's delicious and now the mouse technically I'm a rat not a mouse
mouse technically I'm a rat not a mouse I know but you're all we could afford on
I know but you're all we could afford on our budget that's the nicest thing
our budget that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
no signs of chronic cubicle syndrome yet he looks listless and bored that doesn't
he looks listless and bored that doesn't mean
mean anything my co-workers are idiots idiots
anything my co-workers are idiots idiots I say only I and I alone know all the
I say only I and I alone know all the answers you can't tell me that's not
answers you can't tell me that's not chronic cubicle syndrome we haven't
chronic cubicle syndrome we haven't established causation yet I'm wasting my
established causation yet I'm wasting my life in here there's no career path I
life in here there's no career path I want stock options I think my boss hates
want stock options I think my boss hates me because of the way he looks at me in
me because of the way he looks at me in the meetings why do the objectives keep
the meetings why do the objectives keep changing I am so customer focused you
changing I am so customer focused you are not customer focused let's just say
are not customer focused let's just say further study is
needed we're in start pouring the shampagne Happy Days Are Here Again wait
shampagne Happy Days Are Here Again wait wait with just one rat we don't think
wait with just one rat we don't think any conclusions can be drawn oh we'll
any conclusions can be drawn oh we'll draw conclusions all right you can be
draw conclusions all right you can be sure of that take this to the boys in
sure of that take this to the boys in the statistical Distortion Department
the statistical Distortion Department they'll fix the data for you tell them
they'll fix the data for you tell them Ike sent you your name's not Ike I
Ike sent you your name's not Ike I didn't say it
was I need you to distort some statistics from rat tests although I
statistics from rat tests although I don't agree with doing it I've just lost
don't agree with doing it I've just lost my will to fight it anymore I I don't
my will to fight it anymore I I don't need the life story let's see one rat
need the life story let's see one rat one test I can make these numbers prove
one test I can make these numbers prove that immortality is possible or that
that immortality is possible or that drinking hard liquor improves your love
drinking hard liquor improves your love life any of those ring your bell no my
life any of those ring your bell no my boss wants this test to prove the
boss wants this test to prove the existence of something called chronic
existence of something called chronic cubicle syndrome chronic cubicle
cubicle syndrome chronic cubicle syndrome everyone knows it exists
syndrome everyone knows it exists haven't you read the book have you you
haven't you read the book have you you don't have to actually read it if you
don't have to actually read it if you buy it it's an implied Covenant the book
buy it it's an implied Covenant the book offers absolutely no proof well that's
offers absolutely no proof well that's not my only source I'm a serious-minded
not my only source I'm a serious-minded person I also heard about it on TV
person I also heard about it on TV that's only because of the book all
that's only because of the book all right let's see we've got the TV the
right let's see we've got the TV the anecdotal evidence the book and now your
anecdotal evidence the book and now your study congratulations nice
work well I hope you're happy chronic cubicle syndrome is now an official
cubicle syndrome is now an official Condition it's sweeping the nation
Condition it's sweeping the nation chronic cubicle syndrome is real it's
chronic cubicle syndrome is real it's all in the book buy a copy for a friend
all in the book buy a copy for a friend the end what are you doing just
the end what are you doing just recording the audio version of my book
recording the audio version of my book that was it it's a bridged a bridged
that was it it's a bridged a bridged it's three sentences all right very
it's three sentences all right very Abridged I've been very busy Penning the
Abridged I've been very busy Penning the followup The dogbert Chronic cubicle
followup The dogbert Chronic cubicle syndrome cure diet and what might that
syndrome cure diet and what might that be I'll give you a hint it involves
be I'll give you a hint it involves [Music]
food what's going on here I'm shooting my
my infomercial infomercial for what dog
infomercial infomercial for what dog bird's secret juice formula many experts
bird's secret juice formula many experts believe that the symptoms of chronic
believe that the symptoms of chronic cubical syndrome can be significantly
cubical syndrome can be significantly reduced by drinking for to 28 glasses of
reduced by drinking for to 28 glasses of my special secret juice formula each
my special secret juice formula each day that smells like alcohol well I'm
day that smells like alcohol well I'm not at Liberty to reveal the ingredients
not at Liberty to reveal the ingredients it's an info no no but of course if
it's an info no no but of course if people get drunk they're not going to
people get drunk they're not going to feel the effects of chronic cubicle
feel the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome whatever it is that's not bad
syndrome whatever it is that's not bad would you mind doing a testimonial yes I
would you mind doing a testimonial yes I would
that and since I started drinking dogbert's secret juice for formula to
dogbert's secret juice for formula to combat the effects of chronic cubicle
combat the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome I'm a changed man hey what the
syndrome I'm a changed man hey what the how did he do that it's all computer
how did he do that it's all computer generated you're very teenic and by the
generated you're very teenic and by the way get secret juice formula
today since when do you exercise it's not exercise it's dorer
exercise it's not exercise it's dorer size I've never felt more alive I've
size I've never felt more alive I've never heard of dorker size it's all in
never heard of dorker size it's all in the dog bir chronic cubicle Sy syndrome
the dog bir chronic cubicle Sy syndrome 30 days to a smaller buted you workout
30 days to a smaller buted you workout video apparently if you eat less and
video apparently if you eat less and exercise 2 hours a day you can lose the
exercise 2 hours a day you can lose the weight caused by chronic cubicle
weight caused by chronic cubicle syndrome if you exercise 2 hours a day
syndrome if you exercise 2 hours a day and eat less you'll lose weight without
and eat less you'll lose weight without the video no this gets the cellulite too
the video no this gets the cellulite too it's completely different read the
it's completely different read the [Music]
[Music] book and sometimes when I stay up late I
book and sometimes when I stay up late I am tired the next day that could be
am tired the next day that could be serious what else when I don't eat I
serious what else when I don't eat I feel feeling emptiness in my stomach
feel feeling emptiness in my stomach that's because your spine is out of
that's because your spine is out of alignment it's chronic cubicle syndrome
alignment it's chronic cubicle syndrome I was afraid of that you'll need one
I was afraid of that you'll need one treatment a week until my boat is paid
treatment a week until my boat is paid for I hope it is not a big boat lie on
for I hope it is not a big boat lie on your
your stomach now I'm going to straighten your
stomach now I'm going to straighten your spine until you cry may I request
spine until you cry may I request anesthetics I don't believe in those
anesthetics I don't believe in those besides you'll pass out from the pain in
besides you'll pass out from the pain in a few minutes anyway oh
a few minutes anyway oh oh oh
Elbert Delbert oh there you are now you look
Delbert oh there you are now you look for me no never mind that why were you
for me no never mind that why were you playing games when you're supposed to be
playing games when you're supposed to be coming up with a buffo product to combat
coming up with a buffo product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome I'll tell you
chronic cubicle syndrome I'll tell you why chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't
why chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist that's the holdup how am I
exist that's the holdup how am I supposed to engineer a product for an
supposed to engineer a product for an imaginary condition poor Dilbert you
imaginary condition poor Dilbert you know Dilbert I've been around a long
know Dilbert I've been around a long time too long to count 1 two oh whatever
time too long to count 1 two oh whatever see I told you I've seen many people
see I told you I've seen many people good people failed by this dreaded
good people failed by this dreaded disease it's up to you my boy gosh I
disease it's up to you my boy gosh I don't know I'm all confused that's the
don't know I'm all confused that's the spirit don't do it for me do it for
spirit don't do it for me do it for yourself and if you don't do it for
yourself and if you don't do it for yourself at least do it cuz you'll be
yourself at least do it cuz you'll be fired if you
fired if you don't I call them shock pants they
don't I call them shock pants they deliver a severe electric shock to the
deliver a severe electric shock to the wearer anytime his posture gets bad and
wearer anytime his posture gets bad and that will cure chronic cubical syndrome
that will cure chronic cubical syndrome well if chronic cubicle syndrome existed
well if chronic cubicle syndrome existed it would probably have something to do
it would probably have something to do with your posture we need to test this
with your posture we need to test this on someone what did I miss can I help
on someone what did I miss can I help with
posture that straighten him out let's take this puppy to marketing and get it
take this puppy to marketing and get it in
in stores we couldn't wait for a shook to
stores we couldn't wait for a shook to get bad posture so I asked Dilbert to
get bad posture so I asked Dilbert to make this remote control to speed up the
demonstration I love it it's a device for shocking interns we can sell a
for shocking interns we can sell a billion of these actually it's a cure
billion of these actually it's a cure for chronic cubicle syndrome which
for chronic cubicle syndrome which doesn't exist but we've manage to get
doesn't exist but we've manage to get past that we don't want to sell cures
past that we don't want to sell cures for diseases that's too much of a downer
for diseases that's too much of a downer we'll be painted with the same brush as
we'll be painted with the same brush as that Jonah salt guy okay by me let's
that Jonah salt guy okay by me let's forget the whole thing you're not
forget the whole thing you're not thinking like marketing people let's use
thinking like marketing people let's use our imaginations our what you mean let's
our imaginations our what you mean let's use our imaginations isn't that what I
use our imaginations isn't that what I just said H I guess it is you know those
just said H I guess it is you know those yellow sticky notes were invented by
yellow sticky notes were invented by accident so is the space shuttle exactly
accident so is the space shuttle exactly how can we turn this huge mistake by an
how can we turn this huge mistake by an engineer into a victory by marketing
engineer into a victory by marketing I've got it we'll Market them as a line
I've got it we'll Market them as a line of casual wear for business yeah worked
of casual wear for business yeah worked with Dockers it can work for Shockers
with Dockers it can work for Shockers I'd like to go on the
I'd like to go on the record don't make your mistake any worse
record don't make your mistake any worse we're just lucky these marketing people
we're just lucky these marketing people were here to pull our fat out of the
were here to pull our fat out of the fire May I see that for a
moment in the news even as claims of chronic cubicle syndrome continue to
chronic cubicle syndrome continue to rise say every drone with the sniffles
rise say every drone with the sniffles is convinced he has it the sales of
is convinced he has it the sales of shock pants are soaring thanks to new
shock pants are soaring thanks to new corporate dress codes that make them
corporate dress codes that make them mandatory you might say workers are
mandatory you might say workers are dressed for
shess I get it no more making up words the success of shock pants comes despite
the success of shock pants comes despite widespread reports of seared flesh and
widespread reports of seared flesh and spontaneous human combustion if you ask
spontaneous human combustion if you ask me it's all rather
me it's all rather shocking and now for an editorial from
shocking and now for an editorial from our station general manager be besieged
our station general manager be besieged by pseudo science once again we now find
by pseudo science once again we now find ourselves in the grips of yet another
ourselves in the grips of yet another bogus claim designed to strike fear in
bogus claim designed to strike fear in hardworking people even as it fleeces
hardworking people even as it fleeces their meager savings accounts chronic
their meager savings accounts chronic cubicle this is crazy people are tired
cubicle this is crazy people are tired weary bored and depressed after A Hard
weary bored and depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in day out year after
Day's Work Day in day out year after year and endless dead-end job after
year and endless dead-end job after endless dead-end job with no future and
endless dead-end job with no future and no hope that's natural it's completely
no hope that's natural it's completely appropriate to feel that way how else
appropriate to feel that way how else should you feel if you felt good after
should you feel if you felt good after that Soul crunching experience that
that Soul crunching experience that would be sick chronic cubicle syndrome
would be sick chronic cubicle syndrome is just life you should have thought of
is just life you should have thought of that before your ripoff Cur started
that before your ripoff Cur started killing so many people it was
killing so many people it was marketing's idea to turn up the voltage
marketing's idea to turn up the voltage on the new models I argued against it so
on the new models I argued against it so it's not your fault no one could think
it's not your fault no one could think it was it's Dilbert's Falls I tried to
it was it's Dilbert's Falls I tried to stop it I thank the man upstairs that we
stop it I thank the man upstairs that we live in a country where the corporations
live in a country where the corporations can reap the profits from a death
can reap the profits from a death machine and through the use of loopholes
machine and through the use of loopholes and disclaimers not be liable when the
and disclaimers not be liable when the lawsuits start flooding in well then who
lawsuits start flooding in well then who is liable well you are me you invented
is liable well you are me you invented the Blasted thing well then why haven't
the Blasted thing well then why haven't I earned any royalties cuz you don't own
I earned any royalties cuz you don't own the patent well then how can I be liable
the patent well then how can I be liable well you see Dilbert technically in this
well you see Dilbert technically in this instance you're an independent
instance you're an independent contractor I am read the fine print in
contractor I am read the fine print in in the event that profits are realized
in the event that profits are realized by set invention the independent
by set invention the independent contractor is defined as the sucker in
contractor is defined as the sucker in the event that anything goes wrong with
the event that anything goes wrong with set invention the independent contractor
set invention the independent contractor is defined as the scapegoat is there
is defined as the scapegoat is there anything you'd like to say before we
anything you'd like to say before we hang you out to dry can I make a phone
call yes I'm so nervous to meet you in person Mr dogbert I'm your biggest
person Mr dogbert I'm your biggest fan may I have some eye contact I waited
fan may I have some eye contact I waited 2 hours please just one eye the only way
2 hours please just one eye the only way to escape from a bad idea is with an
to escape from a bad idea is with an even worse idea you're
even worse idea you're welcome using the same studies and data
welcome using the same studies and data we could announce that chronic cicle
we could announce that chronic cicle syndrome never really existed it was a
syndrome never really existed it was a statistical aberration then if I could
statistical aberration then if I could come up with an even better market for
come up with an even better market for shock pants would you let me off the
shock pants would you let me off the hook but they still kill people cuz I
hook but they still kill people cuz I got to tell you I never laughed so hard
got to tell you I never laughed so hard we can turn the voltage down and then we
we can turn the voltage down and then we can Market them to a different group
can Market them to a different group it's all about marketing so correct is
it's all about marketing so correct is it
it everything this is beautiful you have
everything this is beautiful you have one at home just like
it who will tell me who was the first president of the United States your
president of the United States your mother
mother [Music]
I'm happy to report that sales of the shock pants are once again zooming I
shock pants are once again zooming I guess we all know who gets the credit
guess we all know who gets the credit don't tell me it's the guys in
don't tell me it's the guys in marketing no but good guess is it you as
marketing no but good guess is it you as much as I deserve it no the credit goes
much as I deserve it no the credit goes to my boss's boss's boss who none of us
to my boss's boss's boss who none of us have ever met and never will credit
have ever met and never will credit travels up blame travels down it's like
travels up blame travels down it's like drinking beer from a straw if you know
drinking beer from a straw if you know what I mean I don't know what you mean
what I mean I don't know what you mean me neither it's something I once heard
me neither it's something I once heard although I've been completely hosed on
although I've been completely hosed on the profits of my invention at least we
the profits of my invention at least we can finally agree that chronic cubicle
can finally agree that chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist and never did are
syndrome doesn't exist and never did are you nuts just look at the size of my
you nuts just look at the size of my butt the dog bird exercise program
butt the dog bird exercise program really works and look at this muscle
really works and look at this muscle tone since I started drinking that
tone since I started drinking that juice I'm not loud anymore
more it'll take 24 sessions minimum can you give me all 24 today I'm in a hurry
you give me all 24 today I'm in a hurry well I do want to put an addition on my
well I do want to put an addition on my house ow ow
ow he's stronger than he looked Hi how are you what are you staring at
are you what are you staring at [Music]
[Music] he
you may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical business
been accused of unethical business practices is it because of the falsified
practices is it because of the falsified product safety tests is it because of
product safety tests is it because of the false stories planted in the media
the false stories planted in the media about our competitors is it because of
about our competitors is it because of our crime family connections what are
our crime family connections what are you saying those things are unethical
you saying those things are unethical too good God this thing is just
too good God this thing is just snowballing now where was I 7 years
snowballing now where was I 7 years ago during the summer
ago during the summer ah the heck with it Senior Management
ah the heck with it Senior Management has decided to confront this headon and
has decided to confront this headon and deal with the ethics problem directly
deal with the ethics problem directly they're surrendering to the authorities
they're surrendering to the authorities one might think that but one would be
one might think that but one would be wrong no they're sending all employees
wrong no they're sending all employees to mandatory ethics training classes
to mandatory ethics training classes including managers such as yourself
including managers such as yourself correct no a shook that wouldn't be very
correct no a shook that wouldn't be very managerial would it correct me if I'm
managerial would it correct me if I'm wrong but hasn't every eth ethics
wrong but hasn't every eth ethics violation in this company been
violation in this company been perpetrated by managers yes but the
perpetrated by managers yes but the point is managers are far too important
point is managers are far too important to waste their valuable time taking
to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes that's what
worthless classes that's what subordinates are for that and
subordinates are for that and dating please don't date me I promise
dating please don't date me I promise I'll work
I'll work harder your new masseus is here she
harder your new masseus is here she wants to know how you'll be paying
wants to know how you'll be paying paying did you explain to her that she
paying did you explain to her that she gets to touch my naked back there some
gets to touch my naked back there some reason that wasn't enough who needs her
reason that wasn't enough who needs her tell her to put an egg in her shoe and
tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it if you don't mind not at all and
beat it if you don't mind not at all and the following mumbling is not
the following mumbling is not necessarily about you ignorant pompous
necessarily about you ignorant pompous horses ass must be problems at
horses ass must be problems at home are we done here I think we're
done H I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden
hurried all of a sudden uh shook meet me in my office and bring
uh shook meet me in my office and bring fresh
fresh [Music]
[Music] towels oh oh my this is so not in my job
towels oh oh my this is so not in my job description I don't think I can possibly
description I don't think I can possibly stop whining and start slathering
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
he [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
okay let's go around the room and each of you can explain what you hope to get
of you can explain what you hope to get out of this class we'll start with
out of this class we'll start with you I'm hot for you
you I'm hot for you Wall-E is that your real name it's
Wall-E is that your real name it's Egyptian okay so what do you want to get
Egyptian okay so what do you want to get from this class I'm hot for you w-e I
from this class I'm hot for you w-e I already got it thanks my personal goal
already got it thanks my personal goal for ethics training is to learn the
for ethics training is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality with
cultural underpinnings of morality with special emphasis on pragmatism versus
special emphasis on pragmatism versus Divine will
Divine will how about if I teach you not to
how about if I teach you not to steal that would be good too loud Howard
steal that would be good too loud Howard if a coworker can finded something very
if a coworker can finded something very personal to you could you keep it
personal to you could you keep it quiet yes this class is pointless we're
quiet yes this class is pointless we're not the ones with the ethics problems
not the ones with the ethics problems speak for
speak for yourself we're Engineers we have
yourself we're Engineers we have integrity and that's not for sale but it
integrity and that's not for sale but it is for rent excuse me I'm heart for you
is for rent excuse me I'm heart for you w-e consider yourself excused
there sure is a lot of weather today all up there in the
up there in the sky it was a lot like that yesterday too
sky it was a lot like that yesterday too right up that weather every day there is
right up that weather every day there is did anyone watch a sports event this
did anyone watch a sports event this weekend Oh I'll say oh Sports wouldn't
weekend Oh I'll say oh Sports wouldn't miss Sports not a Sunday without it who
miss Sports not a Sunday without it who was playing that's not important it only
was playing that's not important it only matters that the participants supported
matters that the participants supported each other as a team you men aren't at
each other as a team you men aren't at all what I expected I feel like the
all what I expected I feel like the glass ceiling for women Executives like
glass ceiling for women Executives like me is finally broken I mean here I am
me is finally broken I mean here I am networking with other Executives on the
networking with other Executives on the golf course privy to all your private
golf course privy to all your private conversations a we're all about
conversations a we're all about nurturing and
nurturing and diversity there goes your ball it keeps
diversity there goes your ball it keeps doing
doing that watch out for the turtles they're
that watch out for the turtles they're poisonous did we decide whose company
poisonous did we decide whose company wins the government bid this time my
wins the government bid this time my company got the flying submarine deal I
company got the flying submarine deal I believe your company wins the next bid
Edmund no no we won the bid for the invisible troop carriers well then who's
invisible troop carriers well then who's going to bid for the national internet
going to bid for the national internet voting Network contract for the good of
voting Network contract for the good of the oligarchy we will he's a good
man is it the high bid or the low bid that wins but that part makes my head
that wins but that part makes my head spin what were you talking about what
spin what were you talking about what did I
did I miss does anyone else think taxes are
miss does anyone else think taxes are too darn High who and pigs you don't you
too darn High who and pigs you don't you know
know it I'm pleased to announce that we have
it I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid to build the government's
won the bid to build the government's next Super project the internet voting
next Super project the internet voting Network I thought the bids were being
Network I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow yes but none of our
submitted tomorrow yes but none of our conference rooms are available tomorrow
conference rooms are available tomorrow so I'm telling you the results today
so I'm telling you the results today what's the internet voting Network it's
what's the internet voting Network it's a concept for letting people vote over
a concept for letting people vote over the internet in national elections
the internet in national elections Dilbert you seem to know the most about
Dilbert you seem to know the most about the internet voting Network so you're
the internet voting Network so you're the project leader what that's all I
the project leader what that's all I know and now that I said it everyone in
know and now that I said it everyone in this room knows as much as I do I tuned
this room knows as much as I do I tuned you out right after the part where you
you out right after the part where you started talking what's the internet
started talking what's the internet voting
voting Network this might sound crazy but after
Network this might sound crazy but after careful consideration I'm actually happy
careful consideration I'm actually happy for a change to be assigned a project
for a change to be assigned a project against my will the internet voting
against my will the internet voting network will double voter participation
network will double voter participation I'm going to make democracy work it's an
I'm going to make democracy work it's an awesome responsibility let me know when
awesome responsibility let me know when you get it working I almost wonder what
you get it working I almost wonder what it would be like to vote you mean you've
it would be like to vote you mean you've never voted it's too much of a hassle
never voted it's too much of a hassle but if I didn't have to drive look
but if I didn't have to drive look you're encouraging morons to vote that
you're encouraging morons to vote that can't possibly be good you can't use
can't possibly be good you can't use Wall-E as a typical example of Humanity
Wall-E as a typical example of Humanity I'm
I'm special take loud Howard he's more
special take loud Howard he's more typical of the average voter yes I
typical of the average voter yes I always vote for the tallest
always vote for the tallest guy the tall ones are better Dilbert do
guy the tall ones are better Dilbert do you realize that you could build a back
you realize that you could build a back door into the system and manipulate the
door into the system and manipulate the voting results for your own evil
voting results for your own evil purposes without ever being detected wow
purposes without ever being detected wow you could make a fortune from special
you could make a fortune from special interest groups did you learn nothing in
interest groups did you learn nothing in ethics class I tried but you covered
ethics class I tried but you covered your test with your hand one could make
your test with your hand one could make a fortune from special interest groups
a fortune from special interest groups but it would be unethical and more
but it would be unethical and more importantly it would destroy the
importantly it would destroy the Integrity of our democratic system I
Integrity of our democratic system I would never sell out my country for
would never sell out my country for money besides I have all the money I
need 900,000 a
900,000 a [Music]
[Music] million next it's a public school class
as you can see class Congress is in session and furthermore television
session and furthermore television violence is bad and these rap lyrics
violence is bad and these rap lyrics where's the gift shop they got a
where's the gift shop they got a bathroom in here can I use my cell phone
bathroom in here can I use my cell phone I just got paid shut up you kids are the
I just got paid shut up you kids are the leaders of tomorrow right well here's a
leaders of tomorrow right well here's a little something to remind you who your
little something to remind you who your friends
friends are oh
this is private Enemy Number One he goes by the name Dilbert he's in charge of
by the name Dilbert he's in charge of building the internet voting Network we
building the internet voting Network we have learned he is immune to monetary
have learned he is immune to monetary inducements his internet voting network
inducements his internet voting network is a threat to all our special interests
is a threat to all our special interests we must find a way to influence him
we must find a way to influence him without money without money what else is
without money without money what else is there use your
there use your creativity there must be some other way
creativity there must be some other way way to get him in our pocket I have an
idea no wait you said no money Keep It Coming keep it coming give
money Keep It Coming keep it coming give me some more of that mean green you just
me some more of that mean green you just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone
say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want you clearly have no
you want you clearly have no Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker
Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker you're making me blush but your employee
you're making me blush but your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements
Dilbert seems immune to our inducements he must have a weakness everyone does he
he must have a weakness everyone does he does have one weakness if you know what
does have one weakness if you know what I mean wink wink ah
I mean wink wink ah yes the one
yes the one thing thank
thing thank you I hope he was thinking free t-shirt
too fire fire hurry there's a fire
fire hurry there's a fire upstairs something's smoking but it's
upstairs something's smoking but it's not a
fire you have a visitor upstairs in the smoking Lounge we don't have a smoking
smoking Lounge we don't have a smoking Lounge we do
now hey where did all this new furniture come from and that TV we accepted them
come from and that TV we accepted them as gifts on your behalf you shouldn't
as gifts on your behalf you shouldn't have accepted these gifts they're from
have accepted these gifts they're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me how are
lobbyists trying to corrupt me how are they doing not very well
[Music] amateurs hi handsome my name's Ashley
amateurs hi handsome my name's Ashley this is a smoke free house maybe you'd
this is a smoke free house maybe you'd like to take me someplace that
like to take me someplace that isn't I'd better not I just had my car
isn't I'd better not I just had my car cleaned
cleaned I've been authorized to do whatever it
I've been authorized to do whatever it takes to make you a friend of tobacco
takes to make you a friend of tobacco whatever it
takes anything
anything well okay I'd like you to quit smoking
well okay I'd like you to quit smoking what it's for your own good I can't do
what it's for your own good I can't do that I'm addicted you it's an illness
that I'm addicted you it's an illness you can't just quit like that you said
you can't just quit like that you said anything you don't understand I need to
anything you don't understand I need to do this right away or I'll get fired I
do this right away or I'll get fired I mean because I'm all fired
mean because I'm all fired up when was the last time you brushed
up when was the last time you brushed your teeth look at me I'm perfect except
your teeth look at me I'm perfect except for one little bad habit get over
it do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics and rig the election just to
your ethics and rig the election just to date a woman like that I would never
date a woman like that I would never sell out our founding fathers
sell out our founding fathers tell the truth I admit that in theory
tell the truth I admit that in theory there is some level of hormonal
there is some level of hormonal excitement that could in some
excitement that could in some conceivable circumstance in the
conceivable circumstance in the hypothetical exceed the threshold of my
hypothetical exceed the threshold of my ethical
ethical self-control what if the woman actually
self-control what if the woman actually liked you let's hope that never
liked you let's hope that never happens I almost found a woman who likes
happens I almost found a woman who likes me how did you know well technically she
me how did you know well technically she was a tobacco lobbyist who was leading
was a tobacco lobbyist who was leading me on so she could get illegal access to
me on so she could get illegal access to my internet voting Network
my internet voting Network close enough that's my thinking did you
close enough that's my thinking did you use the old familiarity technique I
use the old familiarity technique I didn't have a chance what's the old
didn't have a chance what's the old familiarity technique it involves
familiarity technique it involves spending so much time with a woman that
spending so much time with a woman that she gets used to your faults it's like
she gets used to your faults it's like falling in love but without the expense
falling in love but without the expense if I could have made this tobacco Lobby
if I could have made this tobacco Lobby to spend enough time with me while she
to spend enough time with me while she was using you then maybe just maybe the
was using you then maybe just maybe the inertia would carrier beyond the point
inertia would carrier beyond the point of being repulsed by my
of being repulsed by my personality then one day if she breaks
personality then one day if she breaks up with a socially functional boyfriend
up with a socially functional boyfriend she might be too emotionally crippled to
she might be too emotionally crippled to date again and there Dilbert will be why
date again and there Dilbert will be why don't you just date a woman who respects
don't you just date a woman who respects you in the first place you can do that I
you in the first place you can do that I see your
see your point Dilbert we need to talk about
point Dilbert we need to talk about extending the deadline of your internet
extending the deadline of your internet voting project if I extend it we'll miss
voting project if I extend it we'll miss the election and I'll get a new summer
the election and I'll get a new summer home everyone wins you're ordering me to
home everyone wins you're ordering me to sabotage my own project it wouldn't be
sabotage my own project it wouldn't be the first time but it might be the first
the first time but it might be the first time I knew I was doing it if I do that
time I knew I was doing it if I do that the special interests win the Integrity
the special interests win the Integrity of our Democratic process will be
of our Democratic process will be violated our founding fathers would spin
violated our founding fathers would spin in their graves spinning you say We'll
in their graves spinning you say We'll strap magnets to them and use them to
strap magnets to them and use them to generate electricity if it makes you
generate electricity if it makes you feel any better it's clean power you
feel any better it's clean power you can't make me do this it's wrong there
can't make me do this it's wrong there is nothing nothing that will change my
mind how unethical would it be really to help a tobacco lobbyist riging a
help a tobacco lobbyist riging a national election just so she'll like me
national election just so she'll like me are we talking the ethics of pragmatism
are we talking the ethics of pragmatism or Divine will let's pretend it's the
or Divine will let's pretend it's the same thing we need some expert
help how did you get Ben Franklin's body you'd be surprised what people throw out
you'd be surprised what people throw out it's a little too late for him to help
it's a little too late for him to help us maybe not I saw this in an
us maybe not I saw this in an infomercial I've been dying to try it
it says it removes carpet stains too but I have my
I have my [Music]
doubts can anyone give me an update on my
my inventions well electricity is doing
inventions well electricity is doing fine that was a good one how about the
fine that was a good one how about the post office did it become the model of
post office did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned well to be
efficiency I envisioned well to be honest a stamp costs more than you paid
honest a stamp costs more than you paid for your first horse you can stand in
for your first horse you can stand in line for an hour then find out you're in
line for an hour then find out you're in the wrong line the expression going
the wrong line the expression going postal refers to someone losing their
postal refers to someone losing their mind going crazy and opening fire on
mind going crazy and opening fire on large groups of innocent
people nice work I killed Ben Franklin keep your shirt on I have no intention
keep your shirt on I have no intention of taking it off you make it hard for
of taking it off you make it hard for people to help you sorry let's increase
people to help you sorry let's increase the dosage
the dosage [Music]
thank you again but frankly get it frankly Franklin
frankly gee that killed at the Continental Congress was there some
Continental Congress was there some reason you keep bringing me back I have
reason you keep bringing me back I have an ethical question about our democratic
an ethical question about our democratic system oh yes by now I suppose you
system oh yes by now I suppose you figured out it was all a big joke
figured out it was all a big joke what he doesn't
what he doesn't know never
know never mind my dilemma is this we have this new
mind my dilemma is this we have this new thing called the internet internet yes
thing called the internet internet yes yes a global telecommunications Network
yes a global telecommunications Network built on the tcpip standards coming you
built on the tcpip standards coming you did not yes I did how could you I'm a
did not yes I did how could you I'm a Founding Father you little punk you want
Founding Father you little punk you want to start with me all right all right
to start with me all right all right anyway I have a chance to make a woman
anyway I have a chance to make a woman like me if I use the internet to rig the
like me if I use the internet to rig the next election would that be wrong sounds
next election would that be wrong sounds okay to me really sure the average Boer
okay to me really sure the average Boer can't find his bung hole with both hands
can't find his bung hole with both hands you don't want to leave it up to them do
you don't want to leave it up to them do you I thought maybe I did well think
you I thought maybe I did well think again if we're done here I'm really
hungry I should have got the 12 pack one internet voting Network
pack one internet voting Network completely programmed ready and free of
completely programmed ready and free of outside interference
outside interference so you decided to stick to your ethical
so you decided to stick to your ethical guns knowing that it would cost you the
guns knowing that it would cost you the love of a beautiful woman does it give
love of a beautiful woman does it give you newfound respect for
me oh no I'm having an election night party I
no I'm having an election night party I hope you can make it chug and vote come
hope you can make it chug and vote come enjoy hard liquor before voting from
enjoy hard liquor before voting from masasa thanks to your internet voting
masasa thanks to your internet voting network no one will ever have to vote
network no one will ever have to vote thirsty again loud Howard I don't think
thirsty again loud Howard I don't think it's a good idea to mix alcohol with
it's a good idea to mix alcohol with voting since when I mean how are you
voting since when I mean how are you going to understand an issue like say
going to understand an issue like say monetary policy if you're drunk I don't
monetary policy if you're drunk I don't understand it now do you no bring an
yay hey everybody the polls are open [Applause]
[Applause] to
democracy hey look at me I'm voting and I'm not even a
I'm not even a citizen one more of these and I'm in the
citizen one more of these and I'm in the green
green party now tell me am I for or against
party now tell me am I for or against nucular
nucular peripher I have to say this isn't the
peripher I have to say this isn't the proudest moment of my career
proudest moment of my career [Music]
[Music] is that the knob for Republican or
Democrat hurry up Foster the polls close in 30 seconds oh Fiddlesticks I just
in 30 seconds oh Fiddlesticks I just voted for someone named
McGee no it's been so long since I attended a meeting of the secret ruling
attended a meeting of the secret ruling class do you still handle elections the
class do you still handle elections the same way the old ways are still the
same way the old ways are still the best well the votes have been counted
best well the votes have been counted the people have spoken our new president
the people have spoken our new president is Harry as
McGee so seriously who do we make [Music]
president she said she might call do you think underneath her smoke stained
think underneath her smoke stained exterior beat a heart of gold uh if by
exterior beat a heart of gold uh if by Heart of Gold you mean lungs of charcoal
Heart of Gold you mean lungs of charcoal then yes I admit I was tempted to
then yes I admit I was tempted to destroy the Democratic process to gain
destroy the Democratic process to gain the love of a
the love of a woman love not real love but at least
woman love not real love but at least the kind that gives you false hope for a
the kind that gives you false hope for a few days I like false hope maybe she
few days I like false hope maybe she lost your
lost your number maybe she
number maybe she did no one leaves the to backer
Institute since I quit smoking I don't feel right about working here anymore
feel right about working here anymore you quit smoking you
you quit smoking you can't good Lord Martin you coughed out
can't good Lord Martin you coughed out Al lung can you push that back
in I met a man who convinced me to follow another path I'm going to call
follow another path I'm going to call him tonight I see no one leaves the
him tonight I see no one leaves the tobacco
Institute hey wait you can't do this let me
me go excuse me hello Ola where is the
go excuse me hello Ola where is the ladyes
ladyes room does anyone have any sunscreen
room does anyone have any sunscreen [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
I was working at a big company first a bank and then the phone company and I
bank and then the phone company and I was surrounded by Dilbert's you know
was surrounded by Dilbert's you know people who look like Dilbert they they
people who look like Dilbert they they dress like Dilbert they acted like
dress like Dilbert they acted like Dilbert and he started as a a doodle I
Dilbert and he started as a a doodle I would draw him uh for presentations and
would draw him uh for presentations and I would draw him on my little whiteboard
I would draw him on my little whiteboard in my my cubicle and one day I bought a
in my my cubicle and one day I bought a book on how to become a cartoonist and
book on how to become a cartoonist and sent off some samples to the big cartoon
sent off some samples to the big cartoon syndicates and United media called me
syndicates and United media called me back and said how would you like to be a
back and said how would you like to be a syndicated cartoonist
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
the first time anybody saw Dilbert was in a newspaper and I still had to work
in a newspaper and I still had to work my day job at Pacific Bell and I'd go to
my day job at Pacific Bell and I'd go to work every day and I'd do the cartoon at
work every day and I'd do the cartoon at night or before work and it took uh
night or before work and it took uh about 6 years before it really took off
about 6 years before it really took off and I could finally leave my day job
and I could finally leave my day job behind
behind Dilbert is your quintessential engineer
Dilbert is your quintessential engineer uh he cares about things more than he
uh he cares about things more than he cares about people he likes uh solving
cares about people he likes uh solving problems he has uh no social life to
problems he has uh no social life to speak of and probably never will but
speak of and probably never will but he's nice my troop leader said people
he's nice my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a
are nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this
chance she said I would learn from this experience he's a little bit of a victim
experience he's a little bit of a victim because people dump on you if you have
because people dump on you if you have that kind of a personality he's not very
that kind of a personality he's not very aggressive but ultimately he's
aggressive but ultimately he's optimistic first your generation
optimistic first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its
pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay
natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a
just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be
box that'll be $80 the turning point for turning
$80 the turning point for turning Dilbert into a TV show when it went from
Dilbert into a TV show when it went from just a bunch of ideas that lots of
just a bunch of ideas that lots of people had to the real thing was when I
people had to the real thing was when I met Larry Charles Larry had a great
met Larry Charles Larry had a great resume he'd been one of the original
resume he'd been one of the original writers on Seinfeld and he'd worked on
writers on Seinfeld and he'd worked on mad about you and we met and the first
mad about you and we met and the first time I saw him if you can imagine a guy
time I saw him if you can imagine a guy who looked like basically Jesus Christ
who looked like basically Jesus Christ in pajamas he wore pajamas everywhere
in pajamas he wore pajamas everywhere you know all day long he wore pajamas
you know all day long he wore pajamas and when he visited me um you know he
and when he visited me um you know he flew in pajamas and and uh that seemed
flew in pajamas and and uh that seemed normal to him and I thought God I got to
normal to him and I thought God I got to work with this guy is everything simply
work with this guy is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is
a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence
there another actual level of existence when I read the books I realized it was
when I read the books I realized it was like a whole philos op of life behind it
like a whole philos op of life behind it that was very very uh dense and complex
that was very very uh dense and complex and I totally responded to that it was
and I totally responded to that it was very Kafkaesque very chaplinesque like
very Kafkaesque very chaplinesque like modern times it had a lot of black
modern times it had a lot of black comedy it was very much about the Man
comedy it was very much about the Man Against the Machine The Logical man in
Against the Machine The Logical man in in the illogical world as you can see
in the illogical world as you can see our daycare facilities are second to
our daycare facilities are second to none
none a you can't put babies to work on an
a you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not babies they
assembly line these are not babies they toddlers
toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't
oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children Alice I didn't
know you wanted children Alice I didn't until this
until this moment how about
moment how about now hi Scott's visual style that sort of
now hi Scott's visual style that sort of dictates the look of the show's a thing
dictates the look of the show's a thing called a model pack that goes out to the
called a model pack that goes out to the animators that gives the exact
animators that gives the exact dimensions and proportions of all the
dimensions and proportions of all the main characters that has to be sort of
main characters that has to be sort of followed very carefully the animations
followed very carefully the animations would come in I would look at them offer
would come in I would look at them offer my input I'd make sure everything was on
my input I'd make sure everything was on model there are a lot of things that
model there are a lot of things that they're not obvious in terms of what's
they're not obvious in terms of what's going to be a problem when you bring a
going to be a problem when you bring a comic strip to TV one of them is that my
comic strip to TV one of them is that my characters uh some of them had no mouths
characters uh some of them had no mouths so Dilbert had no mouth he had no
so Dilbert had no mouth he had no eyeballs dogbert had no mouth we had
eyeballs dogbert had no mouth we had long meetings about what should the
long meetings about what should the mouth look like and we finally hit this
mouth look like and we finally hit this compromise cuz we didn't want to change
compromise cuz we didn't want to change the characters too much and the
the characters too much and the compromise was that you you only see
compromise was that you you only see their mouth when they're talking so it
their mouth when they're talking so it appears while the words are coming out
appears while the words are coming out and then it disappears again and that
and then it disappears again and that seemed to work good test it come on
seemed to work good test it come on Wally dance with us I don't hold hands
Wally dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons the
I'm only in it for fashion reasons the first person who says anything about a
first person who says anything about a bad hair day goes right in the hole the
bad hair day goes right in the hole the hardest part about making a TV show from
hardest part about making a TV show from a cartoon is everybody has a different
a cartoon is everybody has a different voice in their head every reader hears a
voice in their head every reader hears a different voice when they read the comic
different voice when they read the comic script and so we had to find voices that
script and so we had to find voices that not only worked for us us but they were
not only worked for us us but they were talented actors and actresses and they
talented actors and actresses and they would sound pretty much like what we
would sound pretty much like what we guessed people were Hearing in their
guessed people were Hearing in their heads we held casting sessions and we
heads we held casting sessions and we just kept on listening and hoping that's
just kept on listening and hoping that's one of the variables you hope that
one of the variables you hope that somebody just clicks like boom that's
somebody just clicks like boom that's him I always had a a voice for Dilbert
him I always had a a voice for Dilbert in my head that was kind of my own voice
in my head that was kind of my own voice but the problem was it's the voice the
but the problem was it's the voice the way I hear myself if I record myself and
way I hear myself if I record myself and then listen to it doesn't sound anything
then listen to it doesn't sound anything like what I imagin Dilbert sound like so
like what I imagin Dilbert sound like so so I I couldn't I couldn't even do an
so I I couldn't I couldn't even do an impression of myself to someone else to
impression of myself to someone else to say make it sound like this this is
say make it sound like this this is crazy people are tired weary bored and
crazy people are tired weary bored and depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in
depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in day out year after year and endless
day out year after year and endless dead- end job after endless dead-end job
dead- end job after endless dead-end job with no future and no hope that's
with no future and no hope that's natural it's completely appropriate to
natural it's completely appropriate to feel that way how else should you feel
feel that way how else should you feel we listened to so many people read for
we listened to so many people read for Dilbert that I was starting to give up
Dilbert that I was starting to give up hope people would come in profession
hope people would come in profession actors and we'd say you know that was
actors and we'd say you know that was good but can you you read it a little
good but can you you read it a little more sympathetically or a little more
more sympathetically or a little more something and they would read it just
something and they would read it just the same way a second time Daniel Stern
the same way a second time Daniel Stern came in and the the first time he did it
came in and the the first time he did it we we thought wow that is really close
we we thought wow that is really close and we asked him if he could do it
and we asked him if he could do it another way and he could do it with five
another way and he could do it with five different nuances and and all we'd have
different nuances and and all we'd have to do was ask and he could change it and
to do was ask and he could change it and we thought wow that that is some serious
we thought wow that that is some serious talent and he sounded exactly like what
talent and he sounded exactly like what we looking for and he was just
we looking for and he was just [Music]
[Music] perfect the casting for dog bir's voice
perfect the casting for dog bir's voice was probably the hardest because you got
was probably the hardest because you got to get a voice that's male but it looks
to get a voice that's male but it looks like it comes out of a small egg-shaped
like it comes out of a small egg-shaped fuzzy creature I thought you were going
fuzzy creature I thought you were going to wake me at 6:30 I also said women
to wake me at 6:30 I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes
like men who are shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern here you wanted
can you find the pattern here you wanted him to be kind of sarcastic so that
him to be kind of sarcastic so that everything he said had a little bit of a
everything he said had a little bit of a I'm yank in your chain he needed to be
I'm yank in your chain he needed to be aggressive sometimes so there were lot
aggressive sometimes so there were lot of qualities that you had to get into a
of qualities that you had to get into a small
package dogbert was actually the first character developed after Dilbert when I
character developed after Dilbert when I was doing the comic strip and it was
was doing the comic strip and it was just so Dilbert would have someone to
just so Dilbert would have someone to talk to Dilbert didn't seem like he'd
talk to Dilbert didn't seem like he'd have a lot of friends so he needed a dog
have a lot of friends so he needed a dog but I didn't want an ordinary dog I
but I didn't want an ordinary dog I wanted a dog who you know was very undog
likee not only does he not want to be your best friend and bring you use
your best friend and bring you use slippers but he might want to conquer
slippers but he might want to conquer the planet and make all the people his
the planet and make all the people his domestic
domestic [Music]
servants now dance for your Diplomat [Music]
[Music] Dance Now River
Dance Now River [Music]
[Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to
Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied
alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco
for the job this isn't exactly Monaco he's pretty self-absorbed and uh um
he's pretty self-absorbed and uh um pretty much feels that he's Superior to
pretty much feels that he's Superior to everyone else around him so obviously I
everyone else around him so obviously I was a natural choice for the job here
was a natural choice for the job here give me that microphone worship me put
give me that microphone worship me put bras on your head and chant dog bird as
bras on your head and chant dog bird as king while slapping yourself in the face
king while slapping yourself in the face with a slab of Raw Liver if you're
with a slab of Raw Liver if you're actually sitting in a meeting with Chris
actually sitting in a meeting with Chris he has kind of a I don't mean to say
he has kind of a I don't mean to say this in an insulting way but it's not a
this in an insulting way but it's not a manly manly kind of voice and it just
manly manly kind of voice and it just sounded like it might come out of a
sounded like it might come out of a small creature so he was perfect I think
small creature so he was perfect I think that Dilbert and dogbert is probably the
that Dilbert and dogbert is probably the most me the most interesting and complex
most me the most interesting and complex relationship because it it's also a
relationship because it it's also a shadow relationship uh an alter ego
shadow relationship uh an alter ego relationship uh one one permits the
relationship uh one one permits the other to be who they are Scott actually
other to be who they are Scott actually I think wanted to play dog bird at one
I think wanted to play dog bird at one point or thought perhaps he would when
point or thought perhaps he would when he when he wasn't finding somebody and I
he when he wasn't finding somebody and I think uh he he has a a similar
think uh he he has a a similar sensibility uh to the character he kind
sensibility uh to the character he kind of channels All of My Own Worst
of channels All of My Own Worst instincts he gets to say the things that
instincts he gets to say the things that I'd like to say but I'm afraid of
I'd like to say but I'm afraid of Retribution but a small dog can say
Retribution but a small dog can say those things and get away with it they
those things and get away with it they say Only the Good Die Young if it works
say Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking
the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents
of evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll
tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil
see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I have an
evil not evil looks like I have an opening some people before me had done a
opening some people before me had done a lot of barking and growling and um I I
lot of barking and growling and um I I guess I was the first guy who just just
guess I was the first guy who just just talked and uh uh because I I just can't
talked and uh uh because I I just can't do voices or characters which I I found
do voices or characters which I I found out painfully after one season on
out painfully after one season on Saturday Night Live um and uh especially
Saturday Night Live um and uh especially I can't bark so um I think Scott you
I can't bark so um I think Scott you know responded just to the uh normaly of
know responded just to the uh normaly of of my approach to the the dog as you
of my approach to the the dog as you probably know all the good product names
probably know all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who
have been trademarked by companies who are competent competent how are we going
are competent competent how are we going to compete with that we wanted a voice
to compete with that we wanted a voice for Wall-E that um didn't sound really
for Wall-E that um didn't sound really manly as many of the characters are not
manly as many of the characters are not but was male and and sounded a little
but was male and and sounded a little bit lazy a little bit shiftless uh like
bit lazy a little bit shiftless uh like he was just trying to get by just trying
he was just trying to get by just trying to survive the day and and not be
to survive the day and and not be noticed when a voice hit us we went with
noticed when a voice hit us we went with it even whether it was a star like
it even whether it was a star like Daniel Stern or Gordon hunt who's a
Daniel Stern or Gordon hunt who's a director and uh whose voice just kind of
director and uh whose voice just kind of was rattling around in my head when I
was rattling around in my head when I thought about Wall-E and I I and we we
thought about Wall-E and I I and we we we auditioned a number of people I said
we auditioned a number of people I said we've got to bring Gordon hunt in here
we've got to bring Gordon hunt in here he is wall oh these great character
he is wall oh these great character actors were there auditioning I thought
actors were there auditioning I thought what the hell am I doing here but uh uh
what the hell am I doing here but uh uh something some I think there was a
something some I think there was a certain nasality that he that he that he
certain nasality that he that he that he thought would suit this guy so that was
thought would suit this guy so that was my addition I don't hold hands I'm only
my addition I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons Wally was
in it for fashion reasons Wally was based on somebody I worked with he was a
based on somebody I worked with he was a guy who had been told his career was
guy who had been told his career was over cuz he' made a bad mistake but they
over cuz he' made a bad mistake but they weren't going to fire him so he could
weren't going to fire him so he could live out the rest of his days without
live out the rest of his days without being fired but never being promoted and
being fired but never being promoted and never getting a raise and he he used his
never getting a raise and he he used his uh fairly significant intellect to
uh fairly significant intellect to become the laziest employee who ever
become the laziest employee who ever worked at Pacific Bell most of my
worked at Pacific Bell most of my interaction has to do with Dilbert and
interaction has to do with Dilbert and with Alice and I'm constantly coming in
with Alice and I'm constantly coming in and just dropping the
and just dropping the most stupid or slightly unpleasant thing
most stupid or slightly unpleasant thing that one can say in a room and sometime
that one can say in a room and sometime getting smacked in the face by Alice for
getting smacked in the face by Alice for for doing it Alice could you clean up
for doing it Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly
the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I
discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have
don't mind see she doesn't have a there you
a there you go she's Pyramid Head she's got pyramid
go she's Pyramid Head she's got pyramid ha here not unlike my own and um she's
ha here not unlike my own and um she's in an office setting just trying to keep
in an office setting just trying to keep it all together I think she is the
it all together I think she is the Bastion of Sanity that's how I play her
Bastion of Sanity that's how I play her with my voice the Alice character was
with my voice the Alice character was based on somebody that I worked with at
based on somebody that I worked with at pacifi Bell it was a woman who was the
pacifi Bell it was a woman who was the only woman in a in a group of male
only woman in a in a group of male engineers and she was most famous for
engineers and she was most famous for for at least in my mind most famous for
for at least in my mind most famous for making two grown men cry at meetings
making two grown men cry at meetings string him up hang over get a rope back
string him up hang over get a rope back down none of us ate it it was like this
down none of us ate it it was like this one we got here how do we know it wasn't
one we got here how do we know it wasn't you Alice yeah I can prove it look
you Alice yeah I can prove it look here Kathy Griffin was uh my first
here Kathy Griffin was uh my first choice for Alice before we even talked
choice for Alice before we even talked to her and somehow you imagine that your
to her and somehow you imagine that your first choice is not going to be
first choice is not going to be available or doesn't want to do the job
available or doesn't want to do the job so some I had held that as my my ideal
so some I had held that as my my ideal voice and we're actually looking for
voice and we're actually looking for people who sounded like her and then it
people who sounded like her and then it turns out she was willing to do it so it
turns out she was willing to do it so it was perfect I'm not really one of the
was perfect I'm not really one of the pros I mean there are people that on
pros I mean there are people that on Dilbert that are frighteningly talented
Dilbert that are frighteningly talented that can sound like you know any age and
that can sound like you know any age and any ethnicity and male or female or baby
any ethnicity and male or female or baby and I'm really impressed with that what
and I'm really impressed with that what the heck is going on here where did all
the heck is going on here where did all this delicious smelling packing material
this delicious smelling packing material come from don't you know Dilbert I don't
come from don't you know Dilbert I don't think I in the habit of asking questions
think I in the habit of asking questions to which I know the answers am I it's a
to which I know the answers am I it's a lot of fun to play the boss because he's
lot of fun to play the boss because he's a guy on the surface who's a pretty big
a guy on the surface who's a pretty big knucklehead really out of it but as
knucklehead really out of it but as Larry Charles and I have talked about
Larry Charles and I have talked about that
that uh he could be it's the old crazy like a
uh he could be it's the old crazy like a fox the pointy hair boss um
fox the pointy hair boss um intentionally has no name so that
intentionally has no name so that anybody who looks at him can can read
anybody who looks at him can can read their own boss into him and he he's kind
their own boss into him and he he's kind of a kind of a composite of all the the
of a kind of a composite of all the the worst bosses I've ever had and the worst
worst bosses I've ever had and the worst ones I've ever heard of I appreciate
ones I've ever heard of I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments and with that
your heartfelt sentiments and with that in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting
in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting your benefits and increasing your hours
your benefits and increasing your hours everybody back to work that's exactly
everybody back to work that's exactly ler managed to play this voice that
ler managed to play this voice that sounded like somebody who was kind of
sounded like somebody who was kind of self-important but completely clueless
self-important but completely clueless and and he could get those two qualities
and and he could get those two qualities I mean that's the the sign of great
I mean that's the the sign of great acting is that they can convey not one
acting is that they can convey not one quality but two qualities simultaneously
quality but two qualities simultaneously and he could do that great
and he could do that great sometimes depending on how close you get
sometimes depending on how close you get to the part I like to come and I don't
to the part I like to come and I don't know how other people do it but I come
know how other people do it but I come in and say look there are 11 ways to do
in and say look there are 11 ways to do anything here's one of them the mean
anything here's one of them the mean here's a bit of bombast here's a way
here's a bit of bombast here's a way this guy could be funny I now son this
this guy could be funny I now son this is so hard for me to say actually it's
is so hard for me to say actually it's not you're fired clean out your desk and
not you're fired clean out your desk and leave but I
[Music] but CER was originally just a a regular
but CER was originally just a a regular cat that I introduced in the strip and
cat that I introduced in the strip and he was just going to be there for 2 days
he was just going to be there for 2 days and then gone and I got hundreds of
and then gone and I got hundreds of emails from people who said we love
emails from people who said we love Catbird bring back Catbird and the
Catbird bring back Catbird and the interesting thing was he didn't have a
interesting thing was he didn't have a name but everybody said bring back kaer
name but everybody said bring back kaer and you know I'm no genius but I figured
and you know I'm no genius but I figured if hundreds of people simultaneously
if hundreds of people simultaneously name a character you ought to bring him
name a character you ought to bring him back Mr catbert Director of Human
back Mr catbert Director of Human Resources what brings you out of your
Resources what brings you out of your lair I understand you've been praising
lair I understand you've been praising Todd you could say that his Personnel
Todd you could say that his Personnel folder is curiously empty no photo no
folder is curiously empty no photo no work
work history very very suspicious uh Todd
history very very suspicious uh Todd works in mysterious ways he won't work
works in mysterious ways he won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon
at all if his file doesn't turn up soon you see I don't believe in Todd you take
you see I don't believe in Todd you take that back there is no Todd Todd exists
that back there is no Todd Todd exists only in your
[Applause] now weird
now weird Rude the hardest part about making a TV
Rude the hardest part about making a TV animated cartoon is the time lag you
animated cartoon is the time lag you know the script looks okay but when the
know the script looks okay but when the actors read it you haven't necessarily
actors read it you haven't necessarily written to what they can do best and
written to what they can do best and then when it comes back from animation
then when it comes back from animation you know months later when it's fully
you know months later when it's fully animated you don't really know if it
animated you don't really know if it worked until you see it the thing that's
worked until you see it the thing that's been uh uh most shocking to me is how
been uh uh most shocking to me is how old-fashioned this whole process still
old-fashioned this whole process still is it's still boils down to people
is it's still boils down to people recording their voices it still boils
recording their voices it still boils down to somebody sitting in front of a
down to somebody sitting in front of a blank piece of paper and drawing a
blank piece of paper and drawing a picture the technology has not come that
picture the technology has not come that far before I started cartooning I was
far before I started cartooning I was going to work every day and i' just sit
going to work every day and i' just sit there and I'd feel the life force being
there and I'd feel the life force being drained out of my body you know I felt
drained out of my body you know I felt like I was in some kind of demonic UFO
like I was in some kind of demonic UFO torture chamber or something I think the
torture chamber or something I think the best writing is something that comes out
best writing is something that comes out of your own experience so I was uniquely
of your own experience so I was uniquely qualified to write about an engineer in
qualified to write about an engineer in a cubicle there's always people in here
a cubicle there's always people in here I started off being a cartoonist I used
I started off being a cartoonist I used to draw caricatures in grade school uh I
to draw caricatures in grade school uh I was the school cartoonist in my school
was the school cartoonist in my school newspapers this gave me an opportunity
newspapers this gave me an opportunity to sort of tap into that side of myself
to sort of tap into that side of myself where the sitcom it's like it's done you
where the sitcom it's like it's done you got to make the best of it you have to
got to make the best of it you have to edit into something and send it out to
edit into something and send it out to the satellites here I have the ability
the satellites here I have the ability to continue to rewrite it and re-record
to continue to rewrite it and re-record it and reanimated up until the very last
it and reanimated up until the very last minute what if during the Shadows that's
minute what if during the Shadows that's the only time you went to the light
the only time you went to the light color there is nothing more frightening
color there is nothing more frightening than seeing something that you've been
than seeing something that you've been involved with on television for the
involved with on television for the first time because you're sitting there
first time because you're sitting there and you're thinking man if this is bad
and you're thinking man if this is bad how many millions of people are watching
how many millions of people are watching it right now but I think after we got a
it right now but I think after we got a few episodes under our belt we were
few episodes under our belt we were firing on
cylinders I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading
about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife
frankly I was hoping for more [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] yes
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
dogbert is uh probably my favorite character he kind of channels the uh the
character he kind of channels the uh the worst impulses that I have the part of
worst impulses that I have the part of my brain that I'm least proud of um we
my brain that I'm least proud of um we put together some clips that show him in
put together some clips that show him in action take a look at these do you think
action take a look at these do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my
I'm a loser because I stay with my company yes it's just that one reason
company yes it's just that one reason thank you to save time I've hired a
thank you to save time I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for
consultant to help us find a name for our next
our next product he doesn't look like any
product he doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen recommendation
consultant I've ever seen recommendation downsize the loud guy by take it
back quizzing that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has
188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has one
one Z that's the kind of thinking that
Z that's the kind of thinking that allowed you to lose 400 games in a
allowed you to lose 400 games in a row dog BT always a pleasure why don't
row dog BT always a pleasure why don't you come to the meetings anymore I'm not
you come to the meetings anymore I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court
actually a member of the Supreme Court really now I feel bad about letting you
really now I feel bad about letting you write all those
write all those decisions I didn't mind what brings you
decisions I didn't mind what brings you in today I want you to overturn the
in today I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named
conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just
Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just write up your decision and sign all your
write up your decision and sign all your names to it okay but make me sound
names to it okay but make me sound indignant and throw something in there
indignant and throw something in there about fairness you want a copy I don't
about fairness you want a copy I don't see when I'd ever read it this is slow
see when I'd ever read it this is slow pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't
pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch
get on base if you get hit by a pitch now let's hope the other team doesn't
now let's hope the other team doesn't know that
rule ice computers all around the world link up to form a colossal super
link up to form a colossal super beinging once it achieves
beinging once it achieves Consciousness I'd say the human race has
Consciousness I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose and I
pretty much served its purpose and I guess then the computers will try to get
guess then the computers will try to get rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan
rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan to save Humanity that's very Noble of
to save Humanity that's very Noble of you when I say save I mean as in I save
you when I say save I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles
mhm that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street why do
that's not the word on the street why do women see the fact that I'm kind
women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of
sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see
weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later
where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of
fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact
cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate
that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates in the Pillsbury
child of Bill Gates in the Pillsbury dough booy I thought you said everyone
dough booy I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes I meant
was wearing these clothes I meant everyone who's a woman I might have left
everyone who's a woman I might have left that part out what are you doing I'm
that part out what are you doing I'm posting false information on the web why
posting false information on the web why it's fun someone picks up a strand of
it's fun someone picks up a strand of false information spreads it around and
false information spreads it around and before you know it a panic is created
before you know it a panic is created then you just sit back and watch the
then you just sit back and watch the chaos I came for casino night casino
chaos I came for casino night casino night you might have the wrong building
night you might have the wrong building no I'm infallible I don't know why you
no I'm infallible I don't know why you can't remember that you buckled under
can't remember that you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl
the pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I
learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a
think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my
life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to
example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah
help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it
that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my
doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical friend okay to settle the
cynical friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if
question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good
it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost
okay then give me $20 because you lost the
the bet did I just make a bet that would
bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yes but
cost me $20 whether I won or not yes but you also got to help someone more
you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself my mommy is
fortunate than yourself my mommy is coming to pick me up in 30
coming to pick me up in 30 minutes your bets remember the system
minutes your bets remember the system face cards are + one number cards are
face cards are + one number cards are minus one you're teaching her to count
minus one you're teaching her to count cards this is so wrong hey a shook look
cards this is so wrong hey a shook look over there it's a rewarding
over there it's a rewarding career where I don't see a rewarding
career where I don't see a rewarding career I'm good next week I'll teach you
career I'm good next week I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for
how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie then I
the entire length of the movie then I have a special clinic on making all the
have a special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle
candy in the jar yours via the miracle of
of slobbering would you like to try a
slobbering would you like to try a vibrating chair get out of my way you
vibrating chair get out of my way you [Music]
pervert will you be sitting down in any of these no I'm going to run for it and
of these no I'm going to run for it and you might want to do the
you might want to do the [Music]
[Music] same pleas Mother of
not every boss has pointy hair but somehow they all act like they do and
somehow they all act like they do and you know what that means here are some
you know what that means here are some clips about bosses you lie to us every
clips about bosses you lie to us every day oh that's not lying that's
day oh that's not lying that's managing Studies have shown there's a
managing Studies have shown there's a big difference we have a warehouse
big difference we have a warehouse filled with lethal lozes we are
filled with lethal lozes we are currently converting for usage and
currently converting for usage and ancillary markets
ancillary markets buttons coinage
buttons coinage teddy bear eyes give me some more of
teddy bear eyes give me some more of that mean green you just say the word
that mean green you just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want you
and I'll assassinate anyone you want you clearly have no
clearly have no Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker
Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker you're making me blush someone in this
you're making me blush someone in this room leaked information to this magazine
room leaked information to this magazine regarding our new security measures now
regarding our new security measures now before you go accusing each other let me
before you go accusing each other let me accuse you I'd rather not say what my
accuse you I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is can't we just be
ticker symbol is can't we just be strategic Partners well aren't you the
strategic Partners well aren't you the mysterious one I'll bet you're an
mysterious one I'll bet you're an internet company aren't you maybe maybe
internet company aren't you maybe maybe not quiet I'm trying to
think you may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical
company has been accused of unethical business practices is it because of the
business practices is it because of the falsified product safety tests is it
falsified product safety tests is it because of the false stories planted in
because of the false stories planted in the media about our competitors is it
the media about our competitors is it because of our crime family connections
because of our crime family connections what are you're saying those things are
what are you're saying those things are unethical too good God this thing is
unethical too good God this thing is just snowballing he's always late what's
just snowballing he's always late what's he doing it's more important than
us uh shook meet me in my office and bring fresh
bring fresh [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] towels oh oh my this is so not in my job
towels oh oh my this is so not in my job description I don't think I can possibly
description I don't think I can possibly stop whining and start
stop whining and start slathering anyone
oh so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long
leave a sandwich in your drawer too long I remember when I'd be trying to sleep
I remember when I'd be trying to sleep in the little ties would be crying all
in the little ties would be crying all night in the Next Room how did you stop
night in the Next Room how did you stop them didn't have to turns out I was in
them didn't have to turns out I was in the wrong
house this car pooling together is a great idea who thought of it anyway you
great idea who thought of it anyway you did well I don't do you mind if I shave
did well I don't do you mind if I shave in the car I guess that would be okay
back I hope you realize I have to sell my car now you've seen your afterlife
my car now you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's
Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming
time you loosened up and started harming other people I've decided to promote you
other people I've decided to promote you to management what why I didn't do
to management what why I didn't do anything wrong at least not nothing that
anything wrong at least not nothing that you know
about but how do you like being a manager well I accomplished nothing
manager well I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent
except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own Amusement that's my
people for my own Amusement that's my favorite part
there is a difference between marketing and outright felonious activity but it's
and outright felonious activity but it's a very small difference the key to
a very small difference the key to marketing is doing whatever you did
marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't
before even when you know it won't work it just came in the
work it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in
mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the other one I
market research since the other one I was going to say other one it's not
was going to say other one it's not necessarily a car it's not then why are
necessarily a car it's not then why are we giving it a car name what else do you
we giving it a car name what else do you have how about the grunt Master the
have how about the grunt Master the grunt master I don't know it's missing
grunt master I don't know it's missing something grunt
something grunt Master
Master 6,000 that's it less features than the
6,000 that's it less features than the grunt Master 9,000 but just as fun hey D
grunt Master 9,000 but just as fun hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met
Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in normal
would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become reptilian
life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken bond does it
I feel we have an unspoken bond does it get
get HBO according to the direction you just
HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it
strap it on some sucker's head and it towards his excitement level when
towards his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we
exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops
need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a shopper we're afraid that when it
I.E a shopper we're afraid that when it comes out of the box it'll make a
comes out of the box it'll make a squeaking sound you mean from the
squeaking sound you mean from the styrofoam packing material it's a loser
styrofoam packing material it's a loser noise that sound tested extremely low
noise that sound tested extremely low it's that time of year when we sporty
it's that time of year when we sporty people in marketing give you Engineers
people in marketing give you Engineers your annual lesson in humility are you
your annual lesson in humility are you actually proud of the fact that you
actually proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and
spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel
playing sports just so you could excel at the picnicking Arts the don't think
at the picnicking Arts the don't think I'm telling Tales out of school and by
I'm telling Tales out of school and by school I mean our fine local community
school I mean our fine local community colleges when I say ABS positively now
colleges when I say ABS positively now this idea of yours for a marketing
this idea of yours for a marketing department sounds a bit risky but here
department sounds a bit risky but here at Nirvana company we pride ourselves on
at Nirvana company we pride ourselves on our willingness to explore new
our willingness to explore new directions until now it's worked out
directions until now it's worked out great I only hope this isn't the one
great I only hope this isn't the one time I'm calamitously
[Music] wrong and
most companies have a human resources department uh sometimes referred to as
department uh sometimes referred to as the inhuman resources department and the
the inhuman resources department and the Dilbert world is populated by cber the
Dilbert world is populated by cber the evil Director of Human Resources
evil Director of Human Resources take a look at these
take a look at these clips still want to play games me yes
clips still want to play games me yes you what do you want with me sign the
you what do you want with me sign the papers I can't see them oh poor you it's
papers I can't see them oh poor you it's just a simple confession standard
just a simple confession standard procedure in the human resources
procedure in the human resources department using the internet for
department using the internet for personal business pilfering dry erase
personal business pilfering dry erase markers kidnapping the Lindberg baby
markers kidnapping the Lindberg baby shooting Larry Flint wait a minute I'm
shooting Larry Flint wait a minute I'm not signing this oh yes you are I make a
not signing this oh yes you are I make a fortune at autograph shows hey wait a a
fortune at autograph shows hey wait a a minute I didn't do any of these things
minute I didn't do any of these things you should have thought of that before I
you should have thought of that before I forged your confession thanks for
forged your confession thanks for playing now go
playing now go [Music]
[Music] away we need your help I can't help why
away we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy aren't you the
not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I
one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what I want you to
have a great job or what I want you to make a shook my assistant if I made a
make a shook my assistant if I made a shook your assistant it would destroy
shook your assistant it would destroy his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need
his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need more than that help me help you all
more than that help me help you all right let's see it would breed
right let's see it would breed resentment throughout the entire
resentment throughout the entire employee population uh-huh nice you make
employee population uh-huh nice you make a strong
a strong case are you thinking no I'm toying with
case are you thinking no I'm toying with you all right I'll do it on one
you all right I'll do it on one condition name it I have to be there to
condition name it I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him
deal I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door why don't you
troll to guard my door why don't you hire another one well I would but they
hire another one well I would but they all know about our pending merger no one
all know about our pending merger no one wants to work in an administrative job
wants to work in an administrative job those are the first ones cut during the
those are the first ones cut during the uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm
uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm an engineer yes yes you were an engineer
an engineer yes yes you were an engineer what I'm changing your job title to Door
what I'm changing your job title to Door watching troll effective immediately but
watching troll effective immediately but then the cergy will get me well not just
then the cergy will get me well not just you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I
you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I can keep my own job that sort of loyalty
can keep my own job that sort of loyalty is always
rewarded I offer you some but I'm selfish oh do whatever you want it
selfish oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just
doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray
die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels
tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud well no well
playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your
tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife well
vision of the afterlife well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time
actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice
is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him
parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him
what we have for him nothing hey what
