The effectiveness and impact of sharing emotions in romantic relationships are complex and depend heavily on individual circumstances, relationship dynamics, and the goals of the individuals involved, rather than a universal "one-size-fits-all" approach.
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When a man does emotional work, the
woman feels stable in the relationship.
When a woman does emotional work to
support her partner, the man's
experience of volatility in the
relationship increases. So, I stopped
sharing my thoughts and feelings with my
girl. The relationship improved and now
I'm alone again. This is like a really
common thing that I've been hearing
recently from men that they they can't
really share their thoughts and feelings
in their romantic relationship. Um,
there's all kinds of crap on social
media about how, you know, like a dude
like sharing his feelings gives people
the ick. There's lots of people who say
like, "No, sharing your feelings is
actually okay." There's a lot of dudes
who are like, "Yeah, like I'll never do
it again. I got punished for it." So,
like, what's the deal with this? Because
half the internet is saying, "You should
share your feelings." And the other half
of the internet is like, "Don't ever do
that. Makes you a Makes you
beta." And like, because they're alpha
males, that means they're wrong, right?
like they have to be wrong if they're
alpha males. They can't be on to
anything. But one of the things that
I've learned as a psychiatrist is when
you know when a human being comes into
my office and says, "This is my
experience of life." I know it's insane
in the day and age of social media, but
I believe them. I start with belief,
right? Because if someone says, "Hey,
this is my experience of life." And
you're like, "No, it isn't." You're
wrong. I think that kind of thinking is
what got us here. you know, like this is
not a great place. And there's all this
idea of like, okay, like sharing your
feelings does improve relationships,
right? So, I I tried to get into the
research with it. Here's what I figured
out when it is okay to share your
feelings and when it isn't okay to share
your feelings. That both can actually be
true, but there is a way to do it. And
more importantly, there is a way not to
do it. Right? And this is what usually
happens in the world. It's not like this
group is right and this group is wrong.
Very few things in the world are black
and white. So, let's get into the data,
okay? Self-disclosure in intimate
relationships, associations with
individual relationship and
characteristics over time. If you
actually look at data, not what is on
your social media feed, self-disclosure
in relationships is roughly the same
between men and women. As hypothesized,
positive associations were found between
self-disclosure and the individual
characteristics of self-esteem,
relationship esteem, and responsiveness.
Self-disclosure was also positively
associated with relationship quality,
satisfaction, love, and commitment.
First thing is this is an association.
So this this says that self-disclosure
is associated with self-esteem is
associated with relationship
satisfaction. Now, here's the key thing.
A lot of people will interpret this as
positive. Therefore, it is okay to share
your feelings in a relationship. That's
not what this study shows. The relation
the study shows that it could be both
ways. If you have self-esteem in a
relationship, if you have a high quality
relationship, then you can share your
feelings. It could be that way, too. The
two tend to cluster together. So, this
brings us to a really important basic
principle of science. Relationships have
never been easy. Anytime you interact
with someone, you're dealing with their
unique soup of emotions, expectations,
and even traumatic baggage. And the fact
that we're all texting now and dating
apps are a thing is not making things
easier. That's why we developed a
coaching program to help our community
with modern relationship problems.
Working with a coach can help you build
skills like setting boundaries,
communicating effectively, and
navigating conflict. So, if y'all are
struggling with your relationships,
check out the link in the description below.
below.
We're going to talk about bell curves.
When people say men are this way, women
are this way. So if you look at sharing
your emotions, this is men and let's say
this is women. Okay? So in most cases,
even if there's a gender difference,
which this paper does not say that
there's a gender difference, we have to
remember that there are some men who
share a lot of their emotions and some
women who share a lot of their emotions,
but there are also plenty of women who
don't share many of their emotions.
There may be more men who don't share
emotions or feel punished by sharing
their emotions. Right? So remember that
we're dealing with overlapping bell
curves here. So even though men may do
something more than women or women may
do something more than men, the variance
within a population almost always
outweighs the variance between
populations. So if you look at there are
some men that self-disclose a ton and
some men that self-disclose very little.
that that difference that delta is going
to be greater than the delta that you
see between men and women. The other way
to look at this is if we look at
self-disclosure the gap between this guy
and this guy is this big. The gap
between this woman and this woman is
this big. But the gap between men and
women is this big. Do you all understand
that? So the variance within a
population is almost always greater.
Which is why like a lot of this gender
stuff on the internet is just wrong.
Like it's just statistically it's wrong.
Okay. Second thing, here's what's really
interesting. The more that women
perceived their partner disclosed at
time one, the less likely the couple was
to break up by time two. This is a
really interesting finding. If a woman believes
believes
that her partner is sharing their
feelings, that is associated with a less
likelihood of breaking up. So this would
be data that suggests the opposite of
what this person's experience is. Okay.
So let's look at another paper.
Self-disclosure in intimacy and
interpersonal relationships role of
perceived partner responsiveness.
Research shows that self-disclosure and
perceived partners self-disclosure are
essential in developing intimacy in a
relationship. Likewise, perceived
partner responsiveness, PPR, when
interpreted as understanding,
validating, caring, significantly
impacts the intimacy of a relationship.
So, generally speaking, if you were to
ask a mental health professional like a
psychiatrist or a psychologist, and
personally, I think the average
psychologist is probably better trained
at this than the average psychiatrist,
is it good to share your feelings in a
relationship? The average psychologist
will say yes. We will say that if you
want a healthy relationship, you should
share your feelings. That is what we
will say. And that's generally what the
data shows.
But it gets a little bit more
complicated. So this is what's really
cool. In relationships, there are two
general goals that people will have.
They'll have one or the other. Usually,
some people have a goal to get closer.
So I want us to be here and here. I want
to be more intimate with you. I want to
know you better. I want to know every
part of you. I want to know your body
inside and out. I know everything. All
of your fears, all of your dreams. Tell
it all to me. Let me know who you are.
And let me share what I am with you. And
let us intertwine our souls and our
bodies. And we will be one together. And
we are one soul split between two
bodies. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's
what I want from you.
>> Right. That's the point of a
relationship. Turns out, no. Turns out
there is another thing that people will
shoot for. Results consistently
indicated that for prevention focused
individuals, being emotionally
suppressive was associated with greater
marital satisfaction, but only for those
who perceive their spouses as also
emotionally suppressive. So, I'm going
to explain this in just a second. Here's
the key thing. In prevention focused
individuals, being emotionally
suppressive was associated with greater
marital satisfaction. What? Turns out
bro may have been right. So let's
understand. So there is another thing
which is that in relationships sometimes
sometimes
people drift apart and in some
relationships the goal for people is not
to get closer. The goal for people is to
not drift apart. Right? And if you guys
have been in relationships you know that
sometimes you just don't want things to
get worse. Things are okay the way they
are. I don't need a whole lot of
intimacy. I'm just trying not to screw
it up. Things are fine. I like the
status quo. I don't want to move. I
don't want to have kids. I don't want to
explore the world. Like, things are
fine. Can we just like live our life the
way it is right now? Do you really need
to move to New York to follow your
dreams? Can we just like have life as it
is right now? I just don't want to screw
it up. I'm happy with the way things
are. I don't need to get closer. I just
don't want things to get worse. So this
is where if we look at research there is
promotion focused individuals okay and
there are prevention focused individuals
wait okay these are two different goals
so when we're dealing with promotion
focused individuals they're moving in
this direction other people are trying
to not fall apart so it turns out that
emotional suppression is helpful in
these situations improves marital
satisfaction so it's not one or the
other right so should you disclose in a
relationship this gives us our first
answer. Well, it depends. Are you trying
to not rock the boat or are you trying
to get closer? More importantly,
remember that there's an element of
partner responsiveness here or partner
perception, but only for those who
perceive their spouses as also
emotionally suppressive. So, here's
another thing, another really important
thing. Does your partner express their
emotions? Right? So, you want to match
their energy if you want to maintain
harmony. I'm not saying it's healthy or
unhealthy. We're just trying to figure
out when is it okay to share your
emotions with your partner and when will
it hurt things. Then we get to the next
paper. For people with less social
anxiety, relationship closeness was
enhanced over time when negative
emotions were openly expressed. So if
you are not socially anxious, sharing
feelings enhances closeness. Whereas
relationship deterioration
was found for those more likely to
withhold emotions. Okay, so this makes
we're going to draw this out. Here is a
person without social anxiety. When I
share things get better. When I don't
share things get worse. This is I got to
fix this. Make sense? Now since I showed
that paper and it's a paper about social
anxiety, what do y'all think is coming
next? The reverse pattern was found for
people with greater social anxiety such
that the relationship closeness was
enhanced over time for those more likely
to withhold negative emotions.
If I am socially anxious and I don't
share, relationship improves. If I do
share, relationship goes down. Now this
is getting to be a little bit tricky,
little bit scary. Oh my god. Because
what I have seen time and time and time
again as a mental health professional is
that if my patients are mentally ill and
they dump that on their partner that we
will lead to things they will lead to
things like caregiver burnout it can be
burdensome. I hate to say this but this
is kind of true right? So like if we
look at something like major depressive
disorder or generalized anxiety disorder
or heaven forbid bipolar disorder that's
where I think I've seen the most damage.
It's not about blaming a partner. It's
to understand that if a if there is a
diagnosis of bipolar disorder within a
relationship, that becomes a challenge
for the relationship. I'm not trying to
make a judgment on whether this is fair
or good or whatever. I'm simply pointing
out that once mental illness enters the
picture. This is a paper looking at
social anxiety.
Sharing can actually deteriorate the
quality of the relationship. So, second
thing where you have to be careful is if
there is mental illness in the picture.
Now, this sounds brutal, right? Because
you're like, "Damn, Dr. K, are you
basically telling me I'm if I've
got depression? I can't share my
feelings like that. Like, I'm
depressed." Like, it's bad enough that
I've got depression, but I can't share
my feelings. That's not what I'm saying.
Don't be black and white, right? We're
going to get to what to do about this.
But, like, let's be honest. If you ask a
hundred people with depression, how does
sharing your feelings impact your
relationship? Not all of them are going
to say it makes it wonderful. What is
y'all's experience receiving the
negative emotional energy of your
romantic partner? What is your
experience of offloading your negative
emotional energy onto your partner? Like
this is the reality we are living with,
right? It's not my job to tell you, "Oh,
hey, in a perfect beautiful world, you
can share all of your negativity with
your partner and they will love you."
No, guys, like I hate to say it, like it
is a disadvantage. Mental illness is a
disadvantage. That's why we try to treat
it. We try to fix it because it
people's lives up, right? But it doesn't
mean that things are hopeless. Like,
please God, do not interpret that from
what I am saying. Let's be clear. When
we're going up against the boss of a
level, we should understand that the
boss is a boss and not a regular mob.
This is an uphill battle that we have to
fight. We're going to help you fight it.
But let's be clear. Let's not pretend
that the problem doesn't exist. That
doesn't help us. Now, we get to an even
scarier part. So, I'm going to ask y'all
a question. This is going to be the
hardest part. Y'all thought that was
bad. When you see a tweet like this or
you have an experience like this, I
shared my feelings with my girl and the
relationship got better and now I feel
alone again. This is why it's so
damaging to try to understand
relationships from social media because
I'm going to ask you all a question and
hopefully that will show you all why
this is a terrible place to learn about
relationship dynamics. I think it's a
wonderful place to understand people's
experiences, but it's a terrible place
to get answers. And here's why. Simple
question. When this person says the
relationship improved, what are they
measuring? And and I'm not trying to
on this person in particular. I I
love that this person is sharing this. I
think it's really good that we're
talking about it. We wouldn't be talking
about it unless they shared their
experience. But here's where half the
answer is. When they say the
relationship improved, how are they
measuring it? Like what is the
indicator? What is your pre-est post
test for improvement in the
relationship? What is the time scale
that we're talking about? Are we talking
about a week? Are we talking about a
month? How are you measuring How are you
measuring improvement? Is it your
perception of improvement? Is it a
certain behavior? Is it a perception of
your partner? Are they even asking their
partner? Did they ask their partner when
I was sharing my feelings, how do you
feel about that? But now that I've
stopped sharing my feelings, how do you
feel about that? How are they measuring?
And this is why, like I hate to say
this, the internet is not science. And
this is the reason, like this is the
reason. You can have an experience, but
this is not science. And here's the
scary thing, cuz I found a paper that
really highlights this. Gender, emotion,
work, and relationship quality, a daily
diary study. Like, yeah. This is a
study that looks at relationship quality
in the emotional work that people put
in. Okay. First, three patterns emerged.
First, emotion work predicted
relationship quality in this diverse set
of couples. Second, gender differences
were minimal for fixed effects. Now,
third, this is what we're going to focus
on. Gender differences were more robust
for volatility for partner effects
having partner with who reported higher
average emotional work predicted lower
volatility in love satisfaction
closeness for women versus greater
volatility in love in commitment for uh
for men. I'm going to explain what this
paper says. We're going to go down here
for a second. Women and men who reported
higher average emotion work across a
week experienced lower overall daily
volatility in love, commitment,
satisfaction, and closeness. Let's talk
about what the hell that means for a
second. So, what is emotional work?
Emotional work is kind of a grabag. I
don't know ex I don't remember exactly
what the methods of this study are and
how they defined it. I'm sure they use
some kind of scale, but basically it's
like how much emotional work do you do
for the sake of your partner? The second
thing is we're measuring volatility.
Okay. So what is volatility? Now this
this finding is not that doing emotional
work makes the relationship better. So
this is what's really cool. It's a daily
diary study. So it's with seven days
five six seven. Okay. So then they ask
them how committed are you in this
relationship? How committed are you in
this relation every single day? How how
much love do you feel? So volatility is
like this is low volatility. This is
high volatility. So here's the really
cool thing. Doing emotional work doesn't
necessarily improve the relationship. It
reduces the volatility. We go from this
to this. When we do emotional work for
our partner, the amount of love and
commitment that we experience stays
stable over time. Okay. Now, this is
where things get really, really tricky.
Okay. For women, having a partner who
reported higher average emotional work
predicted women's experience of lower
volatility in love, satisfaction, and
closeness. What does this mean? This
means that when a man does emotional
work, the woman feels stable in the
relationship. That's what this means.
When a woman does emotional work, you
guys ready for it? I think you know
what's coming. For men, having a partner
who reported higher average emotion work
predicted men's experiences of greater
volatility in love and commitment. So,
this is really insane, y'all. When a
woman does emotional work to support her
partner, the man's experience of
volatility in the relationship
increases. So, I like this study because
it's methodologically very interesting.
So what this study did is boyfriend and
girlfriend are doing daily diaries where
both of them are measuring some degree
of emotional work. So man does emotional
work, woman does emotional work. Then
they're also measuring sense of love and
commitment on both sides. So we're
seeing both perspectives in one study.
And what we discover is that when the
woman does more emotional work, there is
a greater sense of fluctuation in the
man's sense of love and commitment. Now,
there's a lot of stuff I not thrilled
about this study. When you get to the
discussion, they have a lot of
interpretations based on various aspects
of feminist psychology, the patriarchy,
and not that that is wrong, but that I
feel that it is incomplete. And there's
other reasons for that, but anyway,
they're like the patriarchy. I think
it's a convenient answer. I think it's
probably more complicated than that. But
here's the really scary thing. So, if we
look at this study, what this shows is
that the man's subjective experience of
love and commitment correlates with the
level of emotional work that a woman is
doing. I'm not trying to bash men here,
okay? There's lots of it's not men's
fault. But what I'm scared of and what
terrifies me is is this sentence right
here. The relationship improved. In what
way? How are you measuring it? And
here's the really scary thing is the qu
your quality of perception. What I I'm
really scared by by by this particular
study. The perception of your
relationship is disconnected for men in
this study. There were 74 couples I
think is disconnected from the emotional
work that that women do. So the more she
is doing, the more volatile you feel. So
that's not what I would expect, right?
What I would expect is something that is
more akin to what we see in women, which
is like the more effort that a partner
is putting in, the more stable the
relationship feels. So, I think this is
a situation where at the end of the day,
like why am I getting into this? I'm
getting into this because I believe that
we should understand. I do not want
people reading this tweet and thinking
to themselves, if you're a dude out
there, I cannot share my problems with
my girlfriend. But on the flip side, I
also want people to understand if they
read this tweet and they're like, "Oh my
god, all men are so emotionally babies
and it's all men's fault." We also need
to understand that there are very real
situations where sharing your emotions
is not a good idea. That if men are
having this experience, there's a reason
for it. And it's not just because we're
all babies in the patriarchy. Like
there's like real science at play here.
Those are elements of it to be sure. And
the most important thing is we're seeing
a dating and mating crisis where people
are struggling to figure out what to do
because on the one hand some
psychologist is telling me share your
emotions and on the other hand when you
share your emotions people get dumped.
So like what am I supposed to do? And
the answer is be careful about how you
share your emotions. First of all is
there mental illness at play? If there
is mental illness at play, recognize
that your partner's responsibility is
not to be your therapist. So, you can
share some of your emotion, but they
should not be your primary emotional
outlet. That's number one. They should
do the emotional work of a partner, not
the emotional work of a therapist.
Number one. Number two, what is my
partner's level of emotional discussion?
Right? So if my partner is sharing
emotions, they are more likely to
receive my shared emotion. Issue number
three. Is this relationship about
maintaining harmony or getting closer?
Does my partner demonstrate to me that
they want to get closer? If they want to
get closer, then it's okay to share. But
if they are kind of in a I don't know if
you guys have had these relationships,
but like these equilibrium
relationships. Have you guys seen these
relationships? Maybe you're in one where
like we're just kind of in equilibrium.
The relationship isn't really going
anywhere. It's like we have we're
coexisting. Maybe there's love, but it's
not necessarily moving in a direction.
It's like maybe we'll get married one
day, maybe we'll have kids one day. And
it doesn't mean that an equilibrium
relationship always remains in
equilibrium. Right? So, I can talk about
my relationship for a moment. I got
married seven years after I started
dating this girl. And for those seven
years, we were sort of in an equilibrium
relationship. And the reason we were in
an equilibrium relationship is because
we were settling our lives. So our
relationship stayed the same while our
lives were changing. And once our lives
settled, then the relationship moved
forward or we had to decide whether we
wanted it to move forward or not, right?
So once like stuff got settled. So
that's normal. It's not equilibrium
relationships are not bad. But it's
important to think about like what's the
goal here? Are we trying to get closer?
Are we like pretty content with where we
are? And the third thing to keep in mind
is that if you have a perception, your
partner may have a different perception.
I'm not saying one is right and one is
wrong. It's not what this is, right?
This is like if you have this
perception, how are you measuring it?
What is your partner's experience of
when you were sharing emotions and when
you weren't sharing emotions? That is a
critical piece of information, right?
Because what I don't want is this. This
is what I'm trying to prevent. Like this
is why I started streaming to prevent this.
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