0:10 shortly before midnight on June 15th
0:13 Gabriel Johnson was apprehended outside
0:15 the Minn Kota Lake High School John's possessed
0:17 possessed
0:21 17.75 in small bills and change which he
0:23 confirmed had been taken from a vending
0:26 machine inside the school
0:30 okay so first of all ripping off the
0:34 vending machine last night it it was not
0:37 supposed to be funny okay it was my duty
0:40 to all the Geeks and oddballs in this
0:43 school because that machine sucks
0:46 I mean ripping it off was totally
0:51 serious business I mean it was 18.
0:54 okay it was 1775 I I lost a quarter when
0:56 officer McCoy roughed me up oh hey hey
1:03 look at it look
1:05 look
1:10 I have scrapes and I may be dying
1:12 why are we talking about this shouldn't
1:13 we be talking about how you're gonna
1:15 like keep me out of jail or something
1:18 because I'm
1:20 I've been kind of worried about that
1:23 well I guess I'm uh here to tell you my story
1:24 story
1:41 local high school the purchasers of
1:43 these sodas are members of a non-elite
1:44 squad known as the high school marching band
1:49 this is their story
1:52 Fatboy versus the cheerleaders by Jeff herbach
1:53 herbach
1:56 so here's the Scoop purchasers a pop at
1:59 the manakota Lake High School are fat
2:01 kids trailer park kids and chicks who
2:11 dozens of these kids go back for seconds
2:20 like me you know man you drink a lot of
2:24 Pop man Justin Cornell my best friend
2:26 just saying man
2:27 you're fat [Applause]
2:30 [Applause]
2:33 yeah yeah I mean kids call me fat um you
2:36 know it's actually mainly chunk actually
2:38 um and Justin was the first person to
2:40 call me chunk because he said I reminded
2:43 him of a kid from an 80s movie
2:52 anyway I knew pop was part of my um
2:55 issue but what also thought it was part
2:57 of My Success you see the money from the
3:00 vending machine went to fund the band
3:02 I love band
3:04 I love band so much I mean I'm a
3:08 trombone player now that is one sexy instrument
3:20 self by drinking all that pop you know
3:22 winning it huge
3:24 anyway then Wednesday morning happened
3:30 two two twenty
3:33 nah Whoa man
3:38 what pop prices the prices change from a
3:41 dollar fifty to 225. no longer did I
3:43 have the proper coinage for three Code
3:45 Red Mountain Dews
3:48 seriously Justin and I ran the
3:54 okay furiously Justin and I walked to
3:56 the principal's office
3:59 without my minimum three code Reds I was um
4:00 um
4:16 all right all right all right [Applause]
4:29 Whoa man no
4:34 we're just wondering why the sun
4:49 increase in pop prizes man
4:52 all right all right all right we know it
4:55 is right we see it's inflation okay so
4:56 you got your money right you got your
4:58 money right here and it's just gonna
5:07 all of mine has gone back in the
5:10 programming all right wait what about
5:12 the band I was suspended the band what
5:15 Chung Chung Chung chunk all of mine is
5:18 going back in the programming all right
5:28 Justice [Music]
5:34 yeah like I said I'm a little weird
5:36 okay so the next day I tried to
5:40 compensate by overdosing on the Dew
5:43 I robbed my grandpa 20 bucks which is
5:45 really sad because part of the reason my
5:46 grandpa lives with me is because he's poor
5:54 it hurts
5:56 turns out that money wasn't even going
5:57 to my band
5:59 I was sitting at a table in the
6:02 cafeteria then dance
6:13 Kaylee couch
6:17 cheerleader y-e-s the rumors are true
6:19 thank you for supporting the new dance
6:31 let me put this out there for you I used
6:33 to love her
6:35 you still
6:36 I mean back in elementary school we were
6:38 like best friends nah I'd say we were
6:39 like more than best friends we were like
6:41 like little husband and wife
6:42 I mean
6:44 I was Luke Skywalker
6:50 oh I don't think we knew they were
6:53 brethrans that's not the point the point
6:57 is is that I hate her now and and she is
6:59 the enemy this is fraud we've been we've
7:02 been bamboozled just to relax man
7:06 Bamboozled Justin no man relax
7:13 ing so my hands were shaking at that
7:25 hands are weird
7:27 anyway my hands were shaking at that
7:29 point then I just started to think
7:39 wait a minute no I'm losing my band to
7:43 pay for that that that that that
7:45 stripper team
7:47 thank you
7:52 This Means War
7:54 choo choo
7:58 so I issued this declaration of war but
7:59 um I didn't really know what I was
8:03 fighting for no I was just super pissed
8:05 but then I realized I was fighting for
8:06 my life
8:08 because he banned
8:10 has sort of been like my life
8:13 I mean where would I be without it
8:15 nothing without my horn playing I really
8:17 have no consistent claim to love in my life
8:26 anyway
8:27 then a thought established itself in my
8:30 head I started to think about the band
8:34 and the pop machine and I thought this
8:35 isn't about the band or the pop machine
8:38 this is about me no no you know what
8:39 this is about
8:43 Kaylee Kaus yeah you know what let's
8:46 talk about Kaylee cows for a second I
8:48 think part of the crack were sold to by
8:50 the man
8:53 it's the whole idea of Kaylee Kaus
9:03 her hair smells like lilacs because she
9:04 puts crap in her hair and it smells like
9:07 lilacs I mean it's not like her hair
9:08 wakes up every morning saying oh I'm
9:10 gonna smell like a fresh spring morning
9:13 no it doesn't
9:15 she puts crab in her hair that smells
9:16 like lilacs
9:19 and I'm 100 certain that I'm losing my
9:21 band to pay for that dance team
9:24 and I'm getting my money back
9:26 so here's the plan the plan was that I
9:27 was gonna go breaking the door outside
9:35 um
9:42 go up the stairs into the vending
9:50 Kaylee freaking cows Gabe
9:54 no no no no no no no no no no wait get
9:56 gate don't go um
9:58 um
10:01 is not game
10:05 uh is is not Gabe okay bye
10:10 Gabe I'm sorry what what what what
10:13 you're you're I'm sorry I didn't mean to
10:16 take your band away I am the worst best
10:21 friend ever I mean yeah we're not no
10:24 we're best friends I mean we've always
10:27 been best friends I want to help you you
10:33 you you do Gabe Skywalker we can use the force
10:34 force
10:36 that's not
10:52 I have a key so um what just do that okay
10:54 okay [Music]
10:56 [Music]
10:58 okay let's stop this is the police crap
11:05 I started running
11:12 the 18
11:15 jingling in my pocket I started making
11:18 it to the front door then Dave Johnson
11:20 stop oh thank God
11:25 I did it
11:31 I took the money I did it arrest me now
11:33 you took what [Music]
11:35 [Music]
11:39 crap yeah the cops were looking for me
11:41 because I broke into the vending machine
11:43 they were looking for me because I never
11:44 called my grandpa to tell him I'd be late
11:46 late
11:49 so I'm grounded now
11:50 but that makes sense I did some pretty
11:52 groundable stuff I mean I stayed out late
11:53 late
11:58 oh hey do you see the front page of the
12:01 paper batboy versus the cheerleaders now
12:04 that is a sexy headline
12:08 and not what I told the reporters
12:10 I told the reporters that it's
12:13 not fun being called names and and even
12:15 if you think those people don't care they
12:16 they
12:19 they sometimes do I mean I didn't enjoy
12:21 being called chunk did you know that
12:22 Kaylee was the only person to call me Gabe
12:23 Gabe
12:30 oops
12:33 that's the story I told the story of a
12:35 young inflatable lovable boy who who
12:37 never caused any harm and only brought like
12:38 like
12:41 joy and stuff
12:44 oh and a lot of Mountain Dew
12:48 it's sort of a big deal foreign
