0:01 This video is sponsored by Squarespace.
0:03 I made a fully weighted checklist that
0:05 you can go through to find out if
0:07 someone is right for you. Holy [ __ ] I
0:08 cooked with this one. I know this video
0:10 is about to [ __ ] hit, right? Because
0:11 I've personally never seen someone do
0:14 one of these like a fully weighted
0:15 checklist of like literally everything.
0:17 Even though I know you mother want to
0:19 use it right now because I personally
0:20 want to use it. So, really simple. I'm
0:22 going to list out some items and if it
0:24 applies to your relationship, then just
0:27 add however many points or like subtract
0:29 how many points the item is valued. keep
0:30 track of your score and at the end I'll
0:31 tell you what it means. So I split this
0:33 checklist into like rough categories.
0:35 The first section is about core
0:37 compatibility between the two of you. So
0:39 this section is about like the basics,
0:41 right? So like attraction, respect,
0:42 whether or not you actually get along
0:43 day-to-day. These are like the
0:45 foundations of a relationship. Starting
0:47 with the first item, you're physically
0:49 attracted to this person. So if you're
0:50 physically attracted to this person,
0:52 then you get plus four points. The
0:53 second item is you respect them as a
0:55 person, plus six points. You'd be
0:57 embarrassed if your friends met them,
0:59 minus seven points. this person does
1:00 something that you're morally against.
1:02 So, it's something that you subjectively
1:04 are like you think is like immoral. So,
1:06 for example, you're against cheating or
1:08 like they you're against lying or this
1:10 person shoplift, stuff like that, that's
1:12 a minus 12. Next item is you've both
1:15 survived a minor inconvenience together.
1:16 So, for example, like a flight delay or
1:19 like an IKEA trip without fighting each
1:20 other, that's a plus five. If this
1:22 person has ever made you feel small on
1:24 purpose, and that's a minus 10. If you
1:26 admire how this person spends their
1:27 time, that's plus4. If you secretly
1:29 resent how they spend their time, then
1:31 that's a minus five. If you actually
1:33 enjoy doing nothing together with this
1:34 person, that's a plus five. If you feel
1:36 like this person gets your sense of
1:37 humor or like you like you think they're
1:39 funny, they think you're funny, that's a
1:41 plus4. If you'd be okay being stuck in
1:43 an airport with them for like 10 hours,
1:44 that's a plus six. Okay, so that wraps
1:46 up the core compatibility section. If
1:48 that section didn't go well, then you
1:50 should take it seriously because these
1:52 are the things that matter the most long
1:53 term. The next section is communication
1:55 and conflict. So this section is
1:58 basically do you two talk like adults or
2:01 like contestants oning Love Island? Like
2:03 can you communicate with each other
2:05 using clear words and like are you able
2:07 to express like like you know you you
2:08 know what I mean? Okay, so first item on
2:10 this list, they can admit when they're
2:11 wrong about something, that's a plus
2:13 five. If you can usually understand the
2:15 other person's side in an argument. So
2:17 like you two can each understand the
2:19 other person in an argument. That's a
2:21 plus four. If you fight and it feels
2:23 like competition, that's a minus 6. If
2:24 you fight and it feels like
2:26 collaboration, that's a plus five. If
2:28 this person talks over you, like when
2:29 you're saying something or like when
2:31 you're in an argument, that's a minus
2:32 five. If you feel like you can disagree
2:34 in a level-headed way, then that's a
2:36 plus4. If you walk away from arguments
2:38 feeling dismissed, that's a minus 6. If
2:40 you can laugh about your disagreements
2:41 afterwards, that's a plus three. If they
2:44 can take feedback or criticism without
2:46 turning it into an argument, that's a
2:48 plus six. If you leave conversations
2:50 feeling understood, that's a plus five.
2:51 If this person has shown that they can
2:53 apologize and that they can actually
2:55 change their behavior, so they don't
2:56 just say they're sorry and they'll
2:58 change that like they've shown you that
2:59 they actually can change, that's a plus
3:01 eight. So that wraps up the second
3:02 section about communication and
3:04 conflict. And if you score badly here,
3:05 then congratulations. You're probably in
3:07 a situationship. Okay, moving on to the
3:08 next section. This section is about
3:10 emotional security. So this is basically
3:14 like how safe and understood you feel in
3:15 the relationship. It's about So it's
3:17 about like trust, vulnerability, like
3:18 whether or not you feel like you can
3:20 rely on this person. So, the first item
3:22 is if you trust them even when they're
3:23 out of sight or like if you don't see
3:25 them for a while, that's a plus six. If
3:27 you check their online activity when
3:28 you're anxious or like you don't know
3:29 where they are, then that's a minus
3:31 five. If you've considered hiding your
3:33 true feelings so as not scare this
3:34 person off, that's a minus 7. If this
3:36 person can remember small details or
3:38 like small things that you said days
3:40 ago, then that's a plus five. If this
3:42 person shows interest in your world or
3:44 like your friends or like your passions,
3:45 your hobbies, that's a plus four. If
3:48 they avoid emotional topics or they shut
3:50 down when you discuss something serious,
3:52 that's a minus six. If you feel
3:53 emotionally seen by this person, that's
3:55 a plus eight. If you feel emotionally
3:57 analyzed by this person, that's a minus
3:58 three. If you feel like you can be
3:59 vulnerable with this person, that's a
4:01 plus five. If you've thought about
4:03 hiding parts of your life so that this
4:04 person won't judge you or like you're
4:06 scared that if you show them everything,
4:08 they will judge you, that's a minus 6.
4:10 If you feel like you don't need to prove
4:12 your worth to this person in order for
4:13 them to like you or respect you, that's
4:15 a plus six. If this person shows up when
4:16 it matters, not just when it's
4:18 convenient for them, then that's a plus
4:19 seven. If you feel like you're competing
4:21 for their attention in the relationship,
4:23 that's a minus eight. If you felt calmer
4:25 since dating or being with them, then
4:27 that's a plus six. If you've stopped
4:29 doing self-destructive things since
4:30 dating or being with them, that's a plus
4:32 9. If you've started doing
4:33 self-destructive things since dating
4:35 them, that's a minus 12. If this person
4:37 takes care of you when you're sick, then
4:39 that's a plus 6. If you actually
4:41 actually genuinely look forward to
4:42 seeing this person, that's a plus seven.
4:44 If you receive good news or like
4:45 something good happens to you and like
4:47 this person is the first person that you
4:49 want to tell this good news to, then
4:51 that's a plus five. Okay, so that wraps
4:52 up the third section of emotional
4:54 security. If this section lowered your
4:57 score, it usually means that your needs
4:58 probably aren't being met, and that's
5:00 important to pay attention to. Okay, so
5:01 the next section is about life
5:03 trajectory. So, this is basically
5:05 long-term compatibility between the two
5:06 of you. A lot of people skip this
5:08 conversation when they're in a
5:10 relationship because it's serious and
5:11 it's a [ __ ] downer, but so is
5:13 divorce. So here we are. Okay. Starting
5:15 with the first item. If you have
5:18 directly opposing views on health and
5:19 exercise. So what I mean by this is like
5:21 for example, if one person in the
5:23 relationship is very focused on their
5:25 health, they eat clean and the other
5:27 person this isn't like a priority for
5:29 them. This is a minus 9. The second item
5:31 is if you have directly opposing views
5:33 on where to live. So for example, if one
5:35 person wants to live abroad while the
5:37 other person wants to stay near their
5:39 family forever, and this is a minus 10.
5:41 If you have directly opposing views on
5:44 finances and career, for example, one
5:46 person likes to save aggressively but
5:48 the other person spends impulsively or
5:50 you have differing views on debt and
5:52 savings, this is a minus 9. If you have
5:54 directly opposing life goals and dreams,
5:56 so for example, if one person really
5:58 wants stability, but the other person
6:00 wants adventure and to travel, then this
6:02 is a minus 11. If your day-to-day
6:04 routines don't really match up, so for
6:07 example, it could be like one person is
6:08 really tidy and the other person is
6:10 messy or like one person wakes up really
6:11 early, the other person is nocturnal,
6:13 then this is a minus 8. If you have
6:15 directly opposing views on religion or
6:17 spirituality, this is a minus 10. If you
6:20 have directly opposing views on having
6:22 kids, so for example, one person really
6:23 wants kids, the other person doesn't,
6:25 this is a minus 12. If you've imagined
6:27 introducing this person to your parents
6:29 and you felt dread, then this is a minus
6:31 8. If their lifestyle constantly drains
6:33 your energy or it drains your money,
6:35 then this is a minus 7. If your friends
6:36 don't like this person, this is a minus
6:38 three. If you find yourself having to
6:40 defend this person to like people that
6:41 care about you, so for example, your
6:43 family or your friends, then this is a
6:44 minus 7. If you can picture yourself
6:46 growing old with this person or being
6:47 with this person long term, this is a
6:48 plus eight. If you feel like you can
6:51 accept this person's flaws and their
6:52 shortcomings and you're okay if they
6:54 never change, this is a plus eight. If
6:56 this person acts like your time is less
6:57 valuable than theirs, this is a minus
6:59 eight. Okay, so that wraps up the end of
7:01 the life trajectory section. If this
7:03 section came out negative, it usually
7:04 means that you probably want different
7:06 futures, and that honestly isn't really
7:08 something you can ignore. Okay, so the
7:10 next part is about the intangibles or
7:12 like the chemistry between the two of
7:14 you. So this is basically like the
7:16 unexplainable part of like falling in
7:18 love with someone. So like the chemistry
7:19 between the two of you, you know, like
7:21 the stuff that if people are like, "Oh,
7:22 you guys have chemistry." Or like the
7:24 spark between the two of you. It's
7:25 basically the [ __ ] that makes you ignore
7:27 all of the other red flags, all of the
7:28 other bad stuff in the other sections.
7:30 If this person makes you laugh in a way
7:32 that no one else does, this is a plus
7:33 five. If you think about this person
7:35 when something funny happens, this is a
7:37 plus three. If you fantasize about
7:38 changing this person, this is a minus 8.
7:40 If you feel like you're dating this
7:42 person because of their potential rather
7:43 than who they are right now, this is a
7:45 minus 10. If you feel lucky to be with
7:46 this person, this is a plus eight. If
7:48 you can imagine loving this person at
7:50 70, that's a plus4. If you can imagine
7:52 this person ghosting you or like this
7:54 person has ghosted you, this is a minus
7:55 five. If this person has made you laugh
7:57 when they were mad, this is a plus five.
7:58 If this person made you laugh when you
8:00 were sad, this is a plus five. If this
8:02 person has compared you to someone that
8:04 they used to date in a bad way, so for
8:05 example, you're like you're in an
8:07 argument and this person is like, "Oh my
8:08 god, you're just like my ex and that's a
8:10 minus 6." So that wraps at the end of
8:12 section five. If you did well here, then
8:15 congratulations or condolences. you are
8:17 probably in love, which is both the best
8:19 and worst thing that will probably
8:20 happen to you in your entire life. So,
8:22 while you're tallying up whether this
8:24 person is or isn't good for you, let's
8:25 talk about building something that is
8:27 actually good for you, a website or a
8:29 portfolio, which you can do with today's
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8:45 if you have zero design skills or like
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9:07 something for yourself and do something
9:09 that's not just indulgent spiraling
9:12 online watching stupid videos like, "Do
9:13 they like me?" Uh, are they right for
9:14 you? I'm just kidding. Keep watching.
9:16 Keep watching my videos. But if you want
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9:23 purchase of a website or domain. Okay,
9:25 so the next section is about you in the
9:28 relationship or like selfimpact. So,
9:30 what this means is like this measures
9:33 how the relationship is affecting you.
9:35 So like not the romance and like not the
9:36 dynamic with this person. I mean like
9:38 literally like after being in this
9:40 relationship does it affect your mood,
9:41 your habits, your confidence, your
9:44 day-to-day functioning like it shows
9:45 whether or not this person makes you
9:47 calmer and more yourself, makes you feel
9:49 better about yourself or if it makes you
9:52 feel more insecure and stressed and just
9:54 like a shell of what you used to be. So
9:56 the first item here is you like who you
9:58 are around them. This is a plus six. If
9:59 you feel like a worse version of
10:01 yourself around them, this is a minus
10:02 eight. If this person supports your
10:04 ambitions, this is a plus five. If you
10:06 feel guilty talking about your successes
10:07 in front of this person, this is a minus
10:09 6. If you feel like you'd still like
10:11 this person, even if this person wasn't
10:13 first attracted to you, this is a plus4.
10:14 If you feel like you're with this person
10:16 just because you're scared of being
10:17 alone, this is a minus 10. By the way,
10:20 I've made an Excel sheet of this
10:22 checklist. It's interactive. So,
10:23 basically, you just have to like check
10:25 the box next to each item and it'll like
10:26 tally your score for you. So, you don't
10:27 have to like do the math of like blah
10:29 blah blah blah blah. If that's something
10:30 you'd like, then you can check out my
10:31 coffee shop. and the link is up there
10:33 and it's also in the description. If you
10:34 feel like this person genuinely makes
10:36 your life better, this is a plus eight.
10:37 If you feel like you need to tone down
10:39 parts of your personality around them,
10:41 this is a minus 6. If you've stopped
10:43 doing things that you enjoy since dating
10:45 this person, this is a minus 7. And
10:47 finally, if you've already imagined how
10:49 you're going to explain this dynamic or
10:51 this relationship to a therapist, that's
10:52 a minus 8. So, that wraps up this
10:54 section. A high score in the section
10:56 probably means that the relationship is
10:58 actually like good for your life. A low
11:00 score probably means it's costing you
11:03 your energy or your identity or your
11:05 stability, even if everything else looks
11:07 kind of fine on the surface. Okay, this
11:08 next section is about trust and
11:10 resentment. So, this section is
11:11 basically only relevant if you've ever
11:15 felt jealous or insecure or insane about
11:16 this relationship. So, basically all of
11:18 you. Okay, probably a bad joke. This
11:20 part is a little bit more serious. It's
11:21 a little more sensitive because it
11:24 discusses like how you feel about your
11:26 partner's actions. So, it's like your
11:28 subjective experience here. So, the
11:29 first item in this section is if you've
11:32 never actually defined what exclusive
11:33 means between the two of you, this is a
11:35 minus 6. If you said that you were okay
11:38 with this person's past flings or
11:40 hookups, but like in reality,
11:42 subjectively to you, it still lingers in
11:44 your mind, that's a minus4. If you know
11:46 this person flirts or talks to other
11:48 people and you pretend it doesn't bother
11:49 you. So, the important part of this
11:51 again is like your subjective feelings
11:53 towards their actions. If they do
11:54 something that bothers you, this is a
11:56 minus 8. If you've caught yourself
11:58 stalking the social media of someone
12:00 they used to see, this is a minus 6. If
12:02 you think you're calm and you're relaxed
12:04 and you're chill about the dynamic and
12:05 like you've told this person that you're
12:07 fine with how it is, but you're
12:09 actuallying not. You're not chill at
12:10 all, this is a minus 9. If things have
12:12 gotten so bad that you found yourself
12:14 rereading old messages between the two
12:16 of you just to like reassure yourself
12:18 that they actually like you or like they
12:20 have interest and feelings in you, then
12:22 that's a minus 5. If this person makes
12:24 you feel replaceable, that's a minus 9.
12:25 If you feel like they're emotionally
12:26 checked out of the relationship, that's
12:28 a min - 10. If you feel emotionally
12:29 checked out of the relationship, that's
12:31 a minus 12. If you forgave this person
12:33 for something that they did, but like in
12:35 your heart you know that you didn't
12:36 really forgive them, that's a minus 10.
12:38 If you've avoided bringing something up
12:40 because you're scared it'll make you
12:42 sound jealous, that's a minus 5. If you
12:44 feel as if this person isn't fully over
12:46 their past relationship, that's a minus
12:47 7. If you don't fully trust this person,
12:49 that's a minus 5. If because of
12:51 something that's happened between the
12:53 two of you, you feel like you love this
12:56 person or you treat this person more
12:57 carefully than you did in the past, and
12:59 that's a minus 7. If you don't know what
13:01 this person's actual boundaries are with
13:03 other people, that's a minus 5. If
13:04 you've rationalized something this
13:06 person has done to yourself, even though
13:08 deep down you knew it crossed a line,
13:10 that's a minus 10. And if you've
13:11 considered testing this person's loyalty
13:13 in some way, then that's a minus 6. And
13:15 if your score just dropped like 50
13:16 points, that's not the test fault. Okay,
13:18 bad joke. But in all honesty, trust
13:19 issues usually come from real
13:21 experiences, probably not your
13:24 imagination. So whatever sections, items
13:26 you've checked off in this section, it's
13:28 worth paying attention to like what came
13:29 up. Okay. And the final category in this
13:31 checklist is about appearance and
13:32 physical comfort. So this section is
13:35 about how you feel in your own body or
13:36 like in your skin when you're around
13:38 this person. So whether or not you feel
13:41 accepted as who you are physically. So
13:42 the first item is if you feel
13:44 comfortable being seen at like your air
13:46 quotes your worst. So, your worst being
13:48 like when you are sick or like if you
13:50 don't have makeup on or if you acne,
13:53 messy hair, morning face, etc. Like
13:55 whatever makes you feel like you don't
13:57 look your best. If you feel comfortable
13:58 regardless of that, that's a plus seven.
14:00 If this person makes you feel attractive
14:01 even if you don't feel like it, that's a
14:03 plus six. If this person has made you
14:05 feel insecure about your looks, then
14:07 that's a minus 9. If you feel the need
14:09 to dress up so this person will stay
14:10 interested in you, that's a minus 7. If
14:12 you feel self-conscious around this
14:13 person, that's a minus 6. And if they
14:15 notice small changes in your appearance,
14:17 so for example, you got a new haircut or
14:19 you have a new outfit on and they
14:20 actually compliment you or they say
14:22 something, that's a plus4. Okay, so that
14:24 wraps up all of the sections in this
14:26 checklist. So you should now have a
14:29 final score or like tally up your final
14:31 score and I'm going to let you know what
14:33 your score means. Okay, so if you scored
14:36 between 180 to 234, then that means that
14:38 your relationship is extremely healthy.
14:40 You're probably with like honestly maybe
14:42 your [ __ ] soulmate, maybe like your
14:44 husband, your wife, like you're with
14:46 someone who is genuinely good for you.
14:47 You feel safe, you feel respected, you
14:49 feel understood. There's no major
14:51 unresolved issues. This is basically
14:52 what a functioning good relationship
14:55 looks like. If you scored between 120 to
14:57 179, then this is healthy. This is a
14:59 solid relationship. You communicate
15:00 well. You're aligned on the most
15:02 important things. You feel good around
15:03 this person. You feel happy with them.
15:05 You like who you are with them. If you
15:08 scored between 60 to 119, then your
15:10 relationship is pretty good. So, this
15:11 relationship is mostly positive, but
15:14 like maybe with some friction. It's not
15:16 perfect, but it's also not unstable. If
15:17 you both put in effort, then this can
15:19 probably be a long-term thing. Nothing
15:21 here is fatal. Okay. If you scored
15:24 between 1 to 59, then this is like
15:26 neutral or unclear. So, what this means
15:28 is basically this relationship, there's
15:30 connection between the two of you, but
15:32 there's also noticeable issues. So, this
15:34 could go either way, honestly, depending
15:36 on the amount of honesty and
15:38 communication and effort both of you put
15:39 into the relationship. You're not in
15:41 immediate danger yet, but I wouldn't
15:44 necessarily say the relationship is
15:46 thriving. Okay. If you score between 0
15:49 and -59, then I would say this is not
15:50 great. So, here in this relationship,
15:52 you're probably compromising more than
15:55 you realize. There's probably already
15:56 some things about the relationship that
15:58 bother you and if you don't resolve
16:00 them, it's likely that even more things
16:02 will continue to bother you. This isn't
16:05 a disaster yet, but it's not looking
16:07 good. I'm not going to lie. If you score
16:09 between -60 to
16:13 149, then I would say I'ming sorry, man.
16:15 You're problematic. So, here there's
16:17 like repeated patterns of maybe
16:19 resentment or like mismatch values,
16:22 emotional instability. You're probably
16:23 ignoring things that you really
16:25 shouldn't be ignoring. And all in all,
16:26 the relationship is probably draining
16:29 you more than it should or it's taking
16:31 from you more than it gives to you.
16:32 Okay, now we're really getting into the
16:35 [ __ ] trenches. If you scored between
16:38 150 to -249,
16:42 I'm sorry. This is bad. This is bad.
16:44 You're probably unhappy. You know
16:46 exactly why it's your relationship, but
16:47 you've normalized it. and you're
16:49 probably trying to make the relationship
16:50 work even though it doesn't meet your
16:54 needs. If you scored between -250 to
16:57 -349, then this is very bad. I really
16:59 didn't work on these score names. I'm
17:00 sorry. This is very bad. It's affecting
17:02 your self-esteem, probably your habits,
17:04 your day-to-day life, just your
17:07 emotional, your physical health. Maybe
17:08 it might be that you're staying in this
17:10 relationship out of fear or guilt or
17:12 just the amount of time you've been with
17:14 this person or like you're attached to
17:16 this person. But honestly, if you're
17:17 honest with yourself, you're not
17:18 compatible long term. And finally, if
17:23 you score between -350 to -420, then you
17:25 need you need to go. You need to go,
17:27 man. You're in a relationship that's
17:29 probably objectively harmful to you. And
17:33 your needs and your well-being are
17:35 clearly being ignored. And if I'm being
17:38 honest, it's very unlikely that this is
17:40 fixable at all or without a major
17:42 change. You know, you know, this
17:44 relationship is not right for you,
17:46 chief. Okay, it it is it is hard. I'm so
17:48 I'm sorry, but you you you know what you
17:50 need to do. Thank you for watching this
17:51 video. I hope you enjoyed it. If you
17:52 liked this content, then you should
17:54 check out some of these other
17:56 relationship advice videos I made. I
17:58 made a separate checklist video here
17:59 which you can check out or you can check
18:01 out this video that YouTube thinks you
