0:00 are you overly altruistic or people-pleasing?
0:05 Do you ignore your own needs for the sake of others?
0:09 Do you think about other people's well-being more than your own?
0:13 Do you find it difficult to say no to people?
0:16 Do you think it is selfish to express your own wants and needs?
0:20 Are you experiencing feelings of guilt when you do that?
0:25 Then you may have a submissiveness or self-sacrifice schemes, or perhaps
0:30 can be both. So what are these schemes and How can we deal with them?
0:34 Tips are in this video.
0:39 schemas are rigid beliefs
0:45 that we form from childhood
0:52 about other people, ourselves, and outside world.
0:56 schemas are necessary because they give us a framework of
1:02 what is what or how it should be.
1:04 But with our limited consciousness in childhood these schemas that we have created, that is to say
1:11 some of the rigid judgements can be troublesome.
1:16 These are what we call maladaptive schemas and these maladaptive schemas that we create in childhood
1:23 affect the way we look at things, our perceptions,
1:34 our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
1:40 submissiveness schema and excessive altruism schema are among the maladaptive schemas.
1:45 individuals with this schema try to please others.
1:50 The feelings and thoughts of others are more important
1:57 then their own wishes and needs
2:00 Accommodating, harmonious, kind, helpful, beautiful people.
2:05 Then why should the problem and these people change you can say.
2:08 Some of the conspirators even said. you're destabilising, you're destroying his morals.
2:12 you're spoiling it."
2:14 Of course, people are kind and harmonious. it's beautiful and it's what we've been looking for.
2:19 However, in doing so, it is important to observe a balance It is necessary.
2:22 As you know, everything in excess is harmful.
2:25 If, in doing so, the person tramples on himself and this what a pity if the effort is above a certain dosage
2:31 which in this case, is a way of trying to harm oneself. It begins.
2:34 Trying to please everyone, the wishes and needs of others
2:39 to prioritise his own, to put his own not to express their needs after a while
2:45 starts to knead the person quite a lot and the person as if he was living a life that wasn't his
2:50 as if he's alive.
2:52 And even if you don't realise it, sacrifice you're feeling anger inside because of what you've done.
2:57 and this anger starts to build up it's damaging.
3:02 According to Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy today, there are actually two types of the tilting scheme
3:06 there are. One of them is self-sacrifice. Schematic.
3:10 In this schema, the person helps others when you don't, when you don't want to give your life for others.
3:15 when you don't sacrifice, you feel a twinge of guilt. and he starts to feel a sense of guilt
3:21 and in order to cope with the feeling and sacrificing his life for others.
3:27 to live.
3:28 The second type is the surrender scheme we can call it a scheme or a neck
3:33 It could also be called slanting.
3:34 In this, the person fulfils the wishes of others when you don't bring them, or when you say no to them.
3:41 from others rejecting him, because he's afraid of being ostracised, disapproved of.
3:48 they bow down to the others.
3:50 Which one of these is the most to realise that it is pressing, you need to ask yourself
3:54 you can ask the question.
3:56 Why can't I say no to other people?
3:58 Or why don't I just let my own wants, my own needs. I'm putting it on the back burner?
4:03 What is the basic feeling underlying this?
4:07 You know, deep down inside, I don't think people that he'll reject me, that he won't like me?
4:14 Otherwise, when I express myself in some way. that feeling of guilt that comes up
4:21 I'm trying to calm you down?
4:23 So how do we move on from the causes to the solutions? Let's move on.
4:27 In the first step, accept these two things at the outset to be a part of it.
4:31 What are these two things?
4:32 1. You are not as strong as you think you are.
4:36 You have needs, too, and those needs also important.
4:40 Overly altruistic people often feel like they didn't need anything, they didn't need any help.
4:45 pretend they don't need them.
4:47 When they're asked what they need, no, no, no, no, no. they use words like "I don't want to, I don't need to".
4:52 Like every human being, you have needs and that these needs are important
4:59 and to recognise that it can sometimes take precedence We need it.
5:03 The second thing we have to accept is this.
5:06 Just as you're not as strong and powerful if you're not effective, other people
5:11 as helpless and helpless as you think they are not.
5:15 Especially in the scheme of self-sacrifice. even if we have to protect ourselves from everything and everyone.
5:21 we feel responsible.
5:22 Would it have been better if I'd done it like this?
5:24 Is that because I didn't do that?
5:26 I wonder if I've helped you enough.
5:28 Should I do more?
5:30 And the guilt that comes with these thoughts to cope with this guilt.
5:37 increasingly violent self-sacrifice and help behaviour.
5:42 The feelings of others in this schema, their lives, what happened to them.
5:47 we almost take the responsibility on ourselves.
5:51 This is actually crossing the boundary of the other.
5:54 It also helps them to cope with problems and we also underestimate the resilience of our scheme.
5:59 influence. So, we're gonna have to use our own sphere of influence while perceiving it as exaggeratedly large and expansive,
6:06 the other person's ability to put up with it, and we underestimate the power to deal with them.
6:13 Actually, when you're doing it, you're telling someone even if he doesn't need it, he can always get such help.
6:18 and self-sacrificing behaviour while at the same time
6:22 the power to cope with problems, unfortunately. weaken and make us dependent on ourselves.
6:28 we're bringing them. Yeah, we're bringing them you're more vulnerable, you're more needy.
6:33 we perceive exaggeratedly, but in fact they're often a lot more
6:39 are durable and often solve their problems they can actually solve it themselves.
6:44 So in short, accept two things.
6:46 1 You are not God.
6:48 Everything and everyone is out of your control.
6:51 You can't give freely to everyone and everything.
6:54 You have needs, too.
6:56 You're just a mortal man.
6:58 2. Others are not as helpless as you think.
7:03 In the second step we will make a list.
7:05 For this list, take a piece of paper in front of you cut the paper in half.
7:09 Left-hand column.
7:13 I don't know of any situation where you've sacrificed yourself write examples.
7:16 For example, situations where you can't say no. express your real wishes and needs
7:24 situations where you can't.
7:25 It's like I can't express myself when I'm writing this. instead of a general statement, for example, with someone
7:33 and when I went to dinner, you told me what I wanted. not being able to say what I really want when he asks, realising
7:39 Write more concrete examples, such as saying it doesn't.
7:43 Write your sacrifices on the list.
7:45 For whom are your compromises?
7:48 What compromises did you make?
7:50 This list also includes situations that you think, situations that you feel uncomfortable
7:55 but you can't say them.
7:59 Your passive-aggressive behaviour.
8:01 Write this down. Against passive-aggressive behaviour you can't just say no to the other side, or you can't just
8:07 you can't say what ails you.
8:09 It is to show this indirectly.
8:12 For example, if someone asks you to do something if you want.
8:15 You've never actually said yes to that. you don't want.
8:18 Stop. But since you can't say no, okay. you've said you'd do it, you'd do it.
8:22 Deep down you don't want to do it at all.
8:24 But because you can't just say no. you shake it, you delay it.
8:29 This is passive-aggressive behaviour.
8:31 Or you can tell someone that you're clearly uncomfortable pouting because you can't say something, insinuating
8:39 to be present, i.e. indirectly in some way again passive to show that you are uncomfortable
8:44 is an example of aggressive behaviour.
8:45 Take your time with this list.
8:47 Reflect on it.
8:48 So don't fill it up in a hurry.
8:50 If necessary, you can write down the first things that come to your mind Wait.
8:52 Make additions as you think of them.
8:55 If we've finished the first column, we'll go to the second column. we're moving on.
8:58 In the second column, in the first column what we want to change from what we wrote
9:04 and what to change in front of it we're going to do.
9:09 Let's say that in the first column There is.
9:12 My mother's rules for my child you wrote an example of not recognising.
9:18 So I set some rules for my child.
9:21 But my mum doesn't recognise these rules.
9:23 He seems to say yes to things I say no to. in a situation like this.
9:26 It bothers you, but there's one thing you can't.
9:29 In the second column, I wrote about this with my mum. I'll talk about it.
9:34 I told my mum, I told my child to be consistent with me.
9:40 As I'm going to make a speech about it. you can write a statement.
9:44 Or let's say in the first column you wrote.
9:46 I'm always listening to everyone's troubles, but I've never you said you weren't telling me about yours.
9:52 In the second column, in a week's time I've been having a lot of trouble with my mate
9:58 You can write a statement such as I will share.
10:02 This list is actually our road map and will be our target list.
10:07 After filling in the second column take a look at what you've written, and for you
10:12 choose the one that is easiest to implement starting with a step-by-step list
10:19 start implementing the corrections.
10:22 Of course, while doing this, some information you'll need.
10:25 Some information that may help you you need.
10:28 For example, if you feel uncomfortable with something and when you transfer it to the other party, you do it in a gentle but effective
10:33 how to express it in a way.
10:35 Effective information and prescriptions for this you can watch my video.
10:42 In my video titled "Say it without offending, but how? I am addressing the issue.
10:45 Link with you in the comments below I will share.
10:49 When dealing with excessive sacrifice, the third our step is to recognise the triggers
10:54 to get away from them.
10:56 Usually to people who trigger our schema, into situations, into relationships.
11:01 It's called scheme chemistry.
11:03 So you've got a self-sacrificing cheer?
11:05 More like this needy, dependent, irresponsible you're drawn to people.
11:10 Or is surrender, submission, submissiveness You got it?
11:14 Dominant To exert control over others you may be drawn towards selfish people who love
11:20 . Actually, it's one of the unconscious reasons and one of them is a man who looks like our first wounded relationship.
11:25 to relationships and situations an effort to repair.
11:30 Maybe this time I'll make it.
11:32 And yet, despite the fact according to the people you're attracted to, but you don't know
11:37 I'm afraid I don't know how to deal with these people it is difficult to establish a healthy relationship in these situations.
11:43 Because these kinds of situations and people they'll trigger you to live
11:48 you'll enter into a cycle.
11:50 So look at the relationships around you. Take a look.
11:54 What kind of behaviour to all kinds of relationships What kind of people usually have patterns
12:00 around you? Recognise it and do as much as you can people and to take precautions against these situations.
12:06 work. Now you're dealing with excessive sacrifice one of the effective ways to be able to
12:12 so that we can establish our own borders the other side about the borders
12:18 to keep you informed. All kinds of relationships relationship with parents, friendship, work,
12:24 lovers, spouses, in any kind of relationship you may find it useful to know about the borders
12:31 my videos with effective tips Playback titled Boundaries in Relationships
12:35 you can find it on my list.
12:37 Link to this playlist of this playlist I'm adding it again to the comment I said fixed at the beginning.
12:43 In this playlist, again, the previous one the video I told you about.
12:47 I encourage you to watch these videos as well to implement the recommendations mentioned
12:52 I wish.
