0:09 Who remembers being in a car without a
0:12 seatelt on? Maybe it felt adventurous,
0:14 freeing, I don't know. But imagine I now
0:17 say to you, "Okay, but now you have to
0:19 take those kids all the way down to
0:21 London without a seat belt." How do you
0:24 feel now? Do you feel unsafe, worried,
0:27 [snorts] maybe a little bit scared? And
0:31 what about now? How does this photo make
0:34 you feel? Now, I do not want you to be
0:36 scared about smartphones. I'm actually
0:38 very anti-fear-mongering.
0:42 But just like cars are not good or bad,
0:44 I believe that we need to find some
0:47 safeguards. We created a seat belt to
0:49 make cars safe. And we need to do the
0:51 same with smartphones. And I've got some
0:53 ideas. But before we talk about that, I
0:56 want to talk about child and adolescent development.
0:58 development.
1:01 So one of the things that we think about
1:03 in adolescence is that they go through
1:06 these hormonal spikes and big physical
1:08 transformations. But the most critical
1:11 change happens somewhere we don't see in
1:14 their brain. And it is in adolescence
1:18 where all the kind of good juices of
1:19 development happen. And one of the
1:20 things you need to know about the brain
1:24 is that it develops backwards. So the
1:26 back happens first and the front last.
1:28 And in the front, just behind your
1:31 forehead, is the prefrontal cortex. And
1:32 this part of the brain is really
1:34 important. It's the thing that buffers
1:38 your big emotions. It's the thing that
1:40 helps you make good decisions. It's the
1:43 thing that moderates your impulses and
1:46 allows you to initiate tasks. But it
1:49 doesn't fully develop until our 20s. And
1:51 I know lots of adults feel like they're
1:53 still maturing, but it's really
1:55 essential knowledge that actually it's
1:58 not till our mid20s that our brain fully
2:02 matures and kind of the structures stay
2:05 the way that they are. And in some ways,
2:07 this is super smart because adolescence
2:09 and children have this incredible
2:11 opportunity. They were able to have
2:14 loads of experiences, make tons of
2:16 mistakes, and keep learning before the
2:19 brain kind of stocks it all up. But
2:21 there's a catch. One of the things our
2:23 brains are supposed to do is make
2:25 predictions. That's actually their main
2:27 job. So it's trying to make the best
2:30 guess about what happens next. But it's
2:32 also in adolescence where this thing
2:35 called pruning happens. And I think of
2:38 it as decluttering the brain. So the
2:42 experiences teenagers are having either
2:44 become really strongly connected in the
2:48 neurons or they kind of waste away. And
2:52 so exposure really matters.
2:54 There's some studies around smoking and
2:56 it's really interesting to know that
2:58 actually if you're a 13year-old and
3:00 that's when you light your first
3:03 cigarette, you're more likely to become
3:07 a long-term smoker in adulthood, 43%
3:10 more likely. But if you light your first
3:13 cigarette at 21, that likelihood drops
3:15 to 10%.
3:18 So in these critical brain formative
3:20 years, what our young people are experiencing
3:22 experiencing
3:25 actually leads them forward into the
3:29 future. And you know, it's not just kind
3:31 of cigarettes. It's everything. It's the
3:34 experiences that they're having. One of
3:38 the things smartphones do is they bypass
3:40 the kind of normal parental safeguards.
3:42 So, with cigarettes, you're hopefully
3:44 educating your child about cigarettes
3:46 and the health risks. You're maybe
3:49 leading by example. Um, but when it
3:51 comes to smartphones, one of the tricks
3:54 that they play is that even if you use
3:56 really strong parental controls, we've
3:59 got evidence that the algorithms will
4:02 feed 13year-olds on their first login
4:05 harmful content, be it pornography,
4:08 misogynistic context, violence, and
4:10 that's you using your best parental
4:13 controls. But it's not just the content,
4:14 because I think that's the thing that
4:17 gets talked about all the time. There's
4:19 something else that smartphones do to
4:23 our kids. And I see teenagers day in day
4:25 out in my therapy room, but I'll never
4:27 forget this 13-year-old, who I'm going
4:30 to call Kerry, but is not her real name.
4:32 One of the things that she came to me
4:35 for was overcoming anxiety. And anxiety
4:37 was playing the usual tricks that it
4:41 plays on everybody. She was scared to go
4:43 to school and interact with her friends.
4:45 It was getting in the way of her sleep
4:47 and it was really messing up with her
4:51 studies. Now, her parents had very firm
4:54 boundaries around her smartphone. She
4:57 had one, but she had no social media and
4:59 she was not allowed it after 7:00 at
5:02 night. But Carrie, every morning when
5:04 she woke up, had 200 messages waiting
5:07 for her in her WhatsApp. And in the
5:09 morning, she started fantasizing about
5:12 what she'd already missed out on. The
5:14 first thing she did was grab it and then
5:16 she would dive straight into her screen
5:19 and wouldn't look up until she'd read
5:22 all the messages.
5:24 Now, I think it's easy to think, "Oh,
5:27 you know, Carrie's a special case."
5:29 But actually, I really don't think that
5:31 she is. And if you've ever met a
5:34 teenager, you will know that they talk a
5:37 lot. Now, maybe not to you, their
5:39 parents, the adults, but they talk to
5:40 their friends. They talk to their
5:42 friends about everything and anything
5:46 because part of adolescence is about
5:47 connecting and finding a sense of
5:50 belonging with each other and this is
5:52 really healthy. The problem with
5:55 smartphones is that, you know, that
5:57 quantity of messages would make anybody
6:00 feel social pressure. But to a teenage
6:02 brain that is developing, that is
6:05 sensitive to experiences, that is also
6:08 building habits every single time it
6:10 beeps or rings at them. This is
6:13 overwhelm. And habits are not just
6:17 things that you do over and over again.
6:19 Habits are things that we build in
6:21 relationships with each other. good
6:24 habits or bad habits. When we hold them
6:26 and repeat them, they're often things
6:28 that are emotive to us and they have
6:33 meaning. They have some kind of builtin
6:35 identity for us and that's why we carry
6:37 on doing them. And what I want you to
6:39 know is that this is really important
6:41 when we're thinking about smartphones
6:43 because our smartphones are training us
6:46 to have some terrible habits. You and I,
6:48 we've all got them. As long as you've
6:50 got a smartphone, I promise it's
6:53 happened. And they trick you. So, a
6:54 couple of things. It starts with
6:57 modeling. It's that it's that minute
6:59 when your child is talking about their
7:02 latest Pokemon swap or maybe the last
7:04 thing that they saw on their favorite
7:07 series and suddenly, ping, text comes
7:09 along, you're in, you start messaging
7:12 somebody else. very quietly. The message
7:14 you're actually sending your child is
7:16 what's on my phone is more important
7:19 than you. And by the way, we've all done
7:21 it, me included.
7:24 It's using it as an emotional crutch.
7:26 So, your child is kicking off and
7:28 there's people around. So, you quickly
7:30 get your phone out. Let's give them
7:32 something to watch. Shh. Keep them quiet.
7:34 quiet.
7:36 It's those environmental cues that are
7:38 just inbuilt in our smartphones. They
7:40 ping. They buzz. They have colors. And
7:43 who's ever felt their phone vibrate in
7:44 their pocket? And you look at it and
7:47 whoop, nope, that was a phantom's buzz.
7:49 Didn't exist. Our phones have trained
7:52 us. They're really clever. And when it
7:56 comes to identity, how easy is it to see
7:58 those notifications on your WhatsApp
8:00 from your friends group and say, "I'm
8:02 just going to let that go. I'm not going
8:06 to check it yet." to a young person that
8:09 feels like a personal injury because
8:12 having to wait to read that message is
8:15 really hard. And I know that one of the
8:17 things parents say to me is, "If I don't
8:19 get my kid a smartphone, they're going
8:21 to be left out." But I want you to know
8:23 that they will be more left out. And it
8:27 will amplify this bigger the day you get
8:30 them a smartphone. Now, studies on
8:32 smartphones are
8:34 iffy. They're not very good. They're
8:36 quite flawed. But then there is this big
8:40 global study with a 100,000 children in
8:44 it aged 5 to 13. And this isn't to scare
8:46 you, but I think awareness is important.
8:47 One of the things that they found was
8:50 that the earlier you own a smartphone,
8:52 your child owns a smartphone, the more
8:55 detrimental the impact long term. So
8:58 ideas around suicide ideiation double
9:01 compared to if they start owning one at
9:04 the age of 13. The same is true for
9:06 facing challenges and learning how to
9:08 cope. And of course, five, six, eight
9:10 year olds, they haven't got the
9:12 developmental skills to cope with life
9:15 yet. That's what living is all about.
9:18 Things like poor sleep, um, more
9:20 aggression and irritability. And the one
9:23 that always gets to me, that they feel
9:27 like they're not good enough.
9:28 And what I want to bring here is a
9:30 little bit of nuance because children
9:33 who come from dysfunctional families,
9:35 who have poor peer networks or a sense
9:38 of belonging, who maybe have mental or
9:41 physical health conditions, they're the
9:43 kids who are going to spend more time on
9:45 their phones because their phones are
9:46 distracting them from a life that is
9:49 really difficult. And the way I think
9:51 about it is in some ways that's a coping
9:55 strategy. But for the kids who are just sensitive
9:56 sensitive
10:00 normal teenagers who are developing, who
10:02 are more sensitive to experiences
10:04 because of where their brain is at, a
10:06 smartphone can still amplify these
10:08 things. And the earlier we give it to
10:10 them, the less time they have to build
10:13 real life skills. Because remember, our
10:15 brains are making predictions. And if
10:16 kids are making most of their
10:18 predictions online, they're missing this
10:21 opportunity to build them in the real
10:25 world. So, what can you do? Well, I know
10:28 lots of parents of my generation are
10:30 delaying smartphones for as long as they
10:33 can. And I think that's so helpful. But
10:36 delay is a process. It is not an
10:39 outcome. And before we give kids a
10:43 smartphone or give little hands that
10:46 equipment to hold, we should be giving
10:50 them metaphorical seat belts.
10:52 The family phone pledge is something
10:55 that is not a contract. It is not going
10:57 to get you punished if you get it wrong.
11:00 It's not something that, you know, has
11:02 terrible consequences. It's an agreement
11:04 between you and your children that you
11:07 value most in your home is each other.
11:10 And you can make changes and build these
11:12 healthy habits that I just mentioned
11:14 every single day in the experiences that
11:16 you have with your child. So, for
11:18 example, my six-year-old said, "I don't
11:20 want smartphones in my playroom because
11:22 what she wants is me, my full presence."
11:24 I said, "I don't want smartphones at the
11:26 table because I like chatting while I'm
11:28 eating and I will miss the fun of that
11:31 if there's a smartphone beeping." And we
11:33 all agreed bedtime is a place where
11:35 smartphones should not exist because we
11:38 all want to rest. And the reason why it
11:41 works is because we made this agreement
11:43 together. So, my daughter is on board
11:45 because she's already got the
11:48 expectation laid out way before she owns
11:51 a smartphone. And I do warn you that if
11:53 you do this, your house will look like
11:55 chaos. This is my house. This is a den
11:57 they built. And it is going to get
12:00 louder, noisier. There's more arguments.
12:03 There's music. There's laughter. There's
12:06 presence. And there's more memories. And
12:07 one of the things I want you to know
12:11 about memories is that our brains encode
12:14 richer memories when they're experienced
12:16 fully when you embody them. So for
12:18 example, if you listen to a band on the
12:20 on the radio and you love the song and
12:23 you know all the lyrics, it is not the
12:24 same kind of memory in your kitchen.
12:27 Then if you watch them in real life and
12:30 you see them play, you hear them, you
12:33 feel the bass through your body and you
12:36 smell the crowd, right? That memory is
12:39 rich and every single time your phone
12:41 pings at you and you pick it up and
12:43 you're in the middle of an interaction
12:45 with somebody else, your child perhaps
12:48 or an experience that's a glitch in your
12:50 brain's memory system. So why don't we
12:52 just ban them? Because it's so much
12:55 easier. And as a mum, I feel like I'd
12:57 love that backup of let's ban
12:59 smartphones and my life is easier. I can
13:01 say no because somebody else said so.
13:03 The problem I have with bans is that
13:06 one, anything you ban becomes a lot more
13:08 seductive to teenagers. They're going to
13:09 do it, but they're going to do it behind
13:11 our backs and then we can't protect
13:14 them. For me, it's a little bit like
13:16 knowing that when they see a red light,
13:18 they stop. And they haven't got kids to
13:21 drive a car yet, but over time, you're
13:23 teaching them what the rules of the road
13:26 are. We can do the same thing with our
13:28 smartphones. I do think we need to push
13:32 for apps and you know big tech to become
13:35 safer because online experiences should
13:39 be safe for all of us from the start.
13:41 But again as a mom I have not got the
13:44 time to wait for governments to wake up
13:48 to hope that technology might become
13:50 more human or for research to catch up.
13:53 I have to take action right now. And the
13:55 action I'm taking is I have an open
13:57 dialogue about smartphones in my house.
14:00 I am setting the expectation straight
14:02 away. And my daughters are six and two.
14:04 And I'm following the family phone
14:07 pledge to guide me, to help me, and
14:09 delaying smartphones for as long as I
14:12 can in my house, 15, because I know that
14:14 one day when my daughters walk out the
14:17 door, it will not be the lectures I gave
14:19 them that they will remember. Just like
14:22 they automatically put on a seat belt
14:24 when they sit in a car, the things that
14:26 they'll remember are the habits, the
14:28 little rituals that I'm embedding in my
14:31 home with them. Those are the
14:34 experiences they take. And when we know
14:37 better, we get to do better. And I
14:38 really believe that we can build a
14:41 generation, choose to build a generation
14:43 of kids who don't just survive the
14:47 digital age, but they thrive within it.
14:50 And when we do this work, as effortful
14:53 as it is, there is one thing that you
14:56 are going to take with you
14:58 to experience your children's childhood
15:01 fully and hold on to those memories for
15:05 life. Thank you. [applause]
