0:03 all right across tonight we're going to
0:05 be doing another school play the school
0:07 play that we're going to be doing is
0:09 Goldilocks and the three bills oh my God
0:12 Goldilocks that's like my favorite story
0:14 I'm totally gonna be Goldilocks oh great
0:16 another school play where my talents
0:18 will be totally wasted on me playing an
0:19 inanimate object when am I gonna be this
0:21 time a bowl of porridge maybe a chair or
0:23 a window come on Cody you're way too
0:25 talented to be a window I see you more
0:28 as a door yeah totally adore dude yeah
0:29 thanks guys now I'm gonna come around
0:31 the cross and pass out the costumes for
0:33 the road that you'll be playing all
0:35 right Junior you're gonna be papa bear
0:37 oh yeah and Penelope you're gonna be
0:39 Mama Bear what but who's gonna be
0:41 Goldilocks and Joseph you're gonna be
0:44 baby bear oh that [ __ ] dude and Cody
0:48 you're gonna be Goldie rocks wait I'm
0:50 finally the lead all my dreams are
0:53 coming true what how is Cody gonna be
0:55 Goldilocks he's a boy shut that up and
0:57 LP I'm obviously hotter than you as a
0:59 girl thank you so much teacher I knew
1:01 you could see my talent when I played
1:03 that tree in that sheath follow your
1:04 dreams kids they really do come true
1:11 baby I promise you this is the last play
1:14 I'm going to my son's the lead isn't
1:15 this Goldilocks you got a problem with
1:18 my son being a woman no no no no it's
1:26 anyone's gonna be paying attention to me
1:29 Cody I should be playing the girl shut
1:31 up Penelope it's 20 22. men can be
1:32 better women than women can
1:34 all right kids the show's about to start
1:37 everybody ready two baby I put the hoe
1:39 in Show Business I was born ready all
1:41 right everyone take their places okay
1:43 everybody get the frick off my stage
1:46 watch me rock Mom Dad I won't let you
1:49 down all right everyone shut up it's
1:50 starting don't distract my codykins
1:53 ladies and gentlemen welcome to the
2:00 hi I'm Goldilocks and I'm just playing outside
2:01 outside
2:03 is that a butterfly [Music]
2:07 [Music]
2:11 is that a butterfly I'm gonna grab it
2:14 yes I am come back here butterfly I'm
2:16 gonna chase it yes I am where are you
2:19 going butterfly you're going into the
2:22 wood I guess I'm gonna follow him I'm
2:24 gonna follow him where'd you go you
2:27 stupid butterfly oh no I'm lost I have
2:31 no idea where I am I am lost in the
2:34 woods and I can't find my way back home
2:38 I am tired I am cold I just want to go home
2:39 home
2:44 is that a random house in the woods I'm
2:49 gonna see if anyone is home maybe they
2:54 can help me find my way back hopefully
2:58 it's not a house where they sell crack
3:01 the door is unlocked I'm inside I wonder
3:03 if there's anyone that's alive maybe
3:06 they have a phone I can use this is
3:09 breaking and entering hello huh I guess
3:12 they're not home wait I want to be where
3:13 the people aren't huh well maybe they
3:15 don't want me here oh well better poke around
3:17 around
3:21 do I smell porridge I love porridge and
3:23 what three bowls of porridge right here
3:25 out in the open that haven't even been
3:27 eaten what a bunch of wasteful bastards
3:28 but if they're not gonna eat it then I
3:30 will let me try this
3:33 oh no no that porridge is cold I can't
3:39 add porridge that porridge is just
3:41 disgusting should I even try the third
3:43 Bowl I mean the first two were not good
3:45 at all but I mean I guess if I broke
3:47 into their house I might as well try all
3:50 their food let's try the third one too oh
3:56 porridge I've ever had in my life that
3:59 is some good [ __ ] porridge has
4:01 anybody tried this goddamn porridge that
4:03 porridge is amazing no one told me the
4:05 porridge would be this good oh Jesus
4:07 Christ that is excellent porridge and
4:08 that doesn't really make a lot of sense
4:09 though because I mean you think all of
4:10 the porridge would have come from the
4:12 same batch but no I guess everybody
4:14 likes their porridge a little different
4:35 is just right man you know it would be
4:38 really good a chair so I could sit down
4:40 while I eat my porridge you know chairs
4:42 because people usually like to sit down
4:43 when they eat they don't just eat
4:45 standing up well I guess these people do
4:46 because they just ran off in a hurry
4:47 that's why they didn't eat all their
4:49 porridge but I'm gonna go look for a chair
4:50 chair
4:52 oh well there are the chairs I guess
4:56 I'll just pop a squat yeah yeah that's a
4:58 chair it's all right you know it's
4:59 pretty comfy well there are two other
5:01 chairs I guess I might as well try them
5:03 I don't really know why I would it's not
5:05 like this is Rooms To Go I'm not gonna
5:08 buy a chair but yeah yeah this one's
5:09 okay too I guess and it's not as comfy
5:11 because it doesn't have a cushion but
5:13 it's fine oh there's one more chair
5:14 might as well try it see what this is
5:16 about oh
5:19 yeah yeah I like this this is the one oh
5:23 yeah oh I gotta sing a song about this
5:25 all right
5:29 this one is fine this one's okay this
5:32 one's the best so I guess I'll just stay
5:35 I'm sitting down I hope no one's mad
5:39 this chair is just right
5:42 wow that was nice man this chair really
5:43 wore me out I think I could use a nap
5:46 make a look at their beds well here are
5:48 the beds wait is that a hospital gurney
5:50 uh-oh something really sad is happening
5:52 in this house but still I'm really tired
5:53 from chasing that butterfly and eating
5:55 the porridge and sitting in those chairs
5:58 so I think I need a nap yeah nope yeah
6:00 no this this sucks that I don't know
6:01 what I expected this is a hospital bed
6:04 it's very stiff let me try that one
6:07 okay yeah this is a little bit better I
6:08 mean it's better than that but it's
6:11 still pretty hard how about this one oh
6:14 yeah I think that's the one let me just
6:16 uh jump from this bed over there that'll
6:19 be fun oh
6:22 yeah Daddy likes this bed oh I can sleep
6:25 here but first i'm gonna sing a song [Music]
6:28 [Music]
6:31 this one is stiff this one's too hard
6:34 this one's the best so I guess I'll just
6:39 sleep I'm laying down no one is mad this
6:42 bed is just right
6:44 right oh yeah yeah this is the bed I
6:46 think I can just sleep here I don't
6:47 think I have to worry about them coming
6:48 home they left all their stuff out so
6:58 I can't believe Grandma had a heart
7:00 attack I know that's why we had to leave
7:03 the house in such a hurry poor Grandma
7:05 we should have got the Life Alert well
7:08 let's go inside and eat our porridge yum
7:11 I'm hungry damn skippy
7:14 oh man I can't wait to eat my porridge
7:17 mmm looks good hey what you took my
7:19 spoon I didn't take your spoon yes you
7:21 did that spoon was in my porridge before
7:23 we left and yours well how do you know
7:25 that this isn't your bowl because woman
7:27 I always sit on this side of the table
7:28 also my bowl is cold because I
7:30 refrigerate mine it might tastes like
7:32 piss because I peed in it what the hell
7:34 is wrong with you two just admit you
7:35 took my spoon I didn't take your damn
7:38 spoon yes you did stop yelling me in
7:39 front of our son oh I'll show you
7:42 yelling how about that oh wow guess who
7:43 has to clean that up oh the one damn
7:44 thing you threw it on the house while
7:46 you sit on your ass all day while I work
7:48 oh work like go out and drink beers with
7:50 the boys I deserve a tree because I'm
7:58 now please I hate it when you argue you
7:59 shut the hell up and go to your room
8:01 don't talk to our son like that I don't
8:03 even think he's our son he's clearly
8:05 black he's not mine foreign
8:23 furniture around everywhere I'm just
8:24 trying to be like your secret lover
8:26 Winnie the Pooh don't bring him into
8:27 this oh I want you to bring him into it
8:29 I saw him come by the other day and drop
8:30 off our mail I bet he shot honey all
8:32 over your face with his 100 Acre schlong
8:34 at least
8:36 oh nice to you yeah I think I bet you do
8:37 think he's nice because he walks around
8:38 with just a shirt on his Ding-A-Ling
8:40 flinging around well at least he's
8:42 present and always here yeah Mom said
8:44 that Mr pool's gonna be my new dad and
8:52 all right
8:53 I'm gonna pack up everything even your
8:55 bed sheets come on come on is it yelling
8:57 grab your pillow grab your bag sheets
8:59 grab everything I don't want to see your
9:00 face ever again we were already sleeping
9:02 in summer beds and we don't love each
9:04 other oh God
9:11 oh no no you clearly know I don't like
9:14 blondes I love redhead fat [ __ ] guys
9:17 this is just a big misunderstanding
9:19 miss you [ __ ] she looks like a goddamn
9:21 [ __ ] oh yeah he's a lot better looking
9:24 than the guy you're sleeping
9:27 I'm home and I got the honey part
9:29 because I'll provide for my [ __ ] oh
9:32 look who decided to show up here
9:33 here
9:35 you bring another guy in this house when
9:37 I pay all the bills and I work like you
9:44 I'm just gonna leave
9:48 I'm just gonna leave yes I am yes I am
9:53 gonna leave this place before I get hit
9:56 in the face yes I am cause I
9:59 I'm just gonna
