0:01 If you've ever dated or had a close
0:03 friend or family member who is a
0:05 dismissive avoidant attachment style,
0:06 you probably know firsthand that they
0:09 may struggle to be vulnerable enough to
0:11 actually acknowledge if they hurt you
0:13 and apologize. And in today's video, we
0:14 are going to break down in the next 7
0:17 minutes or so, first and foremost, why
0:18 this actually happens. But most
0:20 importantly, at the end of this video,
0:21 I'm going to talk to you about one thing
0:23 you can do that will completely
0:25 transform this cycle so that you can
0:27 actually have the ability to work
0:28 through things with this person in your
0:30 life instead of always just feeling
0:31 stuck and like your emotions can't be
0:38 [Music]
0:40 Let's first just talk a little bit about
0:42 the context as to why this happens.
0:43 Dismissive avoidance do not like
0:44 vulnerability. If you've been watching
0:46 this channel for 30 seconds, you know
0:47 that dismissible women go out of their
0:49 way. In fact, their whole persona is
0:51 largely based on at a foundational
0:53 level. One of the biggest pillars that
0:55 their persona is based on is the ability
0:57 to avoid being vulnerable. They don't
0:59 want to feel their feelings. They like
1:01 to repress and compartmentalize. And so,
1:02 they definitely don't want to talk about
1:05 yours and make space for those because
1:07 how could they possibly do that when
1:09 they haven't even made beginning space
1:11 for their own ability to feel and
1:13 regulate their emotions? We're going to
1:14 cover like two three things here before
1:15 we get to like the one thing you can do.
1:17 But on top of that, what you'll also see
1:19 is that dismissive avoidance, they often
1:21 don't get hurt by other people's
1:24 behaviors. Okay? So, if somebody doesn't
1:27 call a dismissive avoidant back, they
1:28 don't feel hurt by that. They don't
1:30 think it's a big deal. And so, what
1:32 often happens is because when we're not
1:34 super emotionally aware as people, we
1:36 tend to assume that everybody would just
1:37 feel the way that we feel in a
1:39 situation. And so what this means is
1:40 that dismissive avoidance will think,
1:43 "Oh, well, if I didn't call you back,
1:45 that wouldn't even bother me. Why should
1:47 I have to apologize for that?" Because
1:49 they're lacking the awareness at times
1:51 to be like, "Oh, I didn't call you
1:53 back." And that hurts you because it
1:54 touches a wound within you. It touches
1:57 the fear of abandonment or it makes you
1:58 feel like I'm not showing up for you.
2:00 They struggle to really step outside of
2:02 their perception and relate to yours if
2:04 theirs would be different from yours in
2:06 that exact situation. Now quite honestly
2:07 this is quite common for all human
2:09 beings in general. In fact every
2:10 attachment style does that in various
2:12 ways. You'll even see like you know
2:14 sometimes anxious attachment styles or
2:16 fearful avoidance will be like oh you
2:18 said you needed space and if I said that
2:19 I would want reassurance and so they
2:21 give you reassurance and try to get
2:22 closer to you when you just said you
2:24 needed space. If you're a dismissive
2:25 avoidant that can happen. So we we'll
2:27 see different variations of this and
2:28 it's it's almost always rooted in
2:30 innocence. It's like it's just a lack of
2:32 of knowing, a lack of emotional
2:33 awareness. But it can be really
2:36 meaningful to recognize that people will
2:37 feel differently in situations than you
2:38 do, whether you're the avoidant or
2:40 really anybody. And to really try to
2:42 look at situations going, wait, what do
2:44 they probably feel in the situation?
2:46 Knowing what I know about them instead
2:50 of what would I feel in this situation.
2:52 And that is my northstar for figuring
2:53 out if I did something wrong or if I
2:55 should have to apologize. Right? So
2:57 people can I really actually can't
2:59 stress this enough. one thing that you
3:00 do might hurt somebody and you have no
3:02 awareness of it because it just wouldn't
3:03 hurt you. And that's why it's actually
3:05 meaningful to hash out conversations.
3:07 Anyways, let's go back to the other
3:08 reasons dismissive avoidance don't
3:09 apologize and then we'll talk about what
3:11 to do. The other big thing is that
3:14 dismissive avoidance don't often see the
3:17 apology as a repair strategy. So what
3:20 they see the apology as this admission
3:22 of them being wrong and thus defective.
3:24 And because dismissive avoidance have
3:26 this huge fear of being defective, it's
3:28 a big core wound for them. What ends up
3:29 happening is they think like if I
3:31 apologize, you just want me to feel
3:32 ashamed about myself. And that's how
3:34 they often perceive why they're being
3:36 requested to apologize. So they'll avoid
3:37 that because they think it's like
3:38 something against them. And and
3:40 furthermore, a lot of dismissive
3:42 avoidance end up thinking if you want me
3:44 to apologize, you want to change who I
3:46 am. Then you're not accepting me as a
3:48 person. And so why should I even go down
3:50 that path? And again, this is all of
3:52 their own ways of perceiving things
3:54 based on their own wounds, right? Which
3:56 every attachment style has. And we all,
3:58 by the way, tend to see and interact
4:01 with the world in front of us through
4:02 the lens of our past subconscious
4:04 wounds. Okay? And so this is true for
4:06 every attachment style. Yet again, if
4:07 you felt abandoned in the past, if
4:08 somebody doesn't call you back, you jump
4:09 to the conclusion that you're being
4:11 abandoned. If you felt betrayed in the
4:13 past or trapped or helpless, and
4:15 something happens, you know, maybe
4:16 somebody's asking you questions, you're
4:18 like, "Oh, you're trying to trap me."
4:20 Right? Or if somebody's behavior
4:21 changes, you're like, "Oh, you're going
4:22 to betray me." And we all tend to jump
4:24 to the conclusions of the past, which is
4:26 why it is so important to rewire those
4:28 core wounds and triggers because those
4:30 are honestly your your pieces of
4:31 relationship baggage that you're
4:32 bringing from one relationship to
4:34 another. Which, by the way, before I
4:36 tell you what to do to make sure that
4:38 dismissal avoidance are actually able to
4:39 apologize and honor your feelings, if
4:41 you actually want to dive into a course
4:43 called the emotional mastery and belief
4:44 reprogramming course, it's literally
4:47 about rewiring core triggers, attachment
4:48 wounds from childhood, leveraging
4:50 neuroscience, neuroplasticity, and the
4:52 subconscious mind. Really simple
4:54 process, really quick course to take.
4:55 You can check it out fully for free
4:57 using the spin to win promotion down
4:58 below where you'll either be able to win
5:01 a 7-day trial to PDS, a 14-day trial, a
5:03 month-long free membership to PDS to
5:05 access all of our courses, or win a
5:06 course for life. There's other cool
5:07 offers in there, too. So, you can check
5:09 that out using the link below. Now, last
5:11 thing here, if you want the dismissive
5:13 avoidant to actually be able to
5:15 apologize, okay, because doing this will
5:18 make an avoidant understand how they've
5:20 affected you, okay? We use something
5:22 that we talk about at PDS called an
5:25 asking for empathy statement. And what
5:26 this means is essentially you want to be
5:28 able to go to the dismissible avoidant
5:30 and you can start by saying you can
5:31 follow I'll give you these three steps
5:33 to put into like a couple of sentences.
5:36 Step one, let the dismissible know in
5:37 advance it's not about shaming them.
5:39 Okay? So you might say, let's say you're
5:41 dating the person. Hey, you show up as a
5:44 great partner in many many ways and I
5:46 appreciate that. So you start off step
5:47 one by saying I come in peace. You're
5:48 acknowledging what they are doing.
5:50 you're appreciating them. And honestly,
5:52 this is a great thing to do with anybody
5:54 in in conflict communication because it
5:56 just lowers somebody's guard right away
5:57 when you're trying to hash something
5:59 out, which in turn empowers you to get
6:01 heard. So, you start with that. Okay.
6:03 Hey, I appreciate that you've been a
6:04 great partner and are showing up in so
6:06 many ways. Of course, you only say that
6:07 if it's true, by the way. Like, don't
6:08 say that to somebody who you feel like
6:10 you you've never had a need met by. But
6:12 if this person's trying and working on
6:14 the relationship and making an effort,
6:16 honor that, right? And then step two,
6:18 you say, "And there's something that's
6:20 come up for me which although I know you
6:22 would probably feel differently in this
6:24 situation, actually affects me in in a
6:26 really personal way." And it is that
6:29 ABC. Okay? So you say, "What happened
6:31 that that affected you?" You might say
6:33 it is that when you know I didn't hear
6:35 from you the other day, it it really
6:37 hurt me because it touches this wound of
6:39 me of fearing abandonment. Okay? So you
6:42 you say what hurt you, but you relate it
6:43 back to your own personal truth. And
6:46 then you can say, "In order to just feel
6:48 like I can let this go and move on, I
6:49 just need to hear that you care about
6:51 how I feel and that you'll be a little
6:53 bit more mindful in the future. I would
6:55 really appreciate if you could apologize
6:57 and just acknowledge your feelings so
6:59 that I could then move on and we could
7:01 proceed." And so you're saying that in
7:03 all of like three sentences, maybe four
7:04 sentences, but what it's doing is it's
7:06 hitting all of the things that would
7:08 cause a dismissive boy to freeze up and
7:10 not be able to apologize to begin with.
7:11 You're letting them know in advance, I
7:13 come in peace, right? Acknowledging how
7:15 they are a good partner. It's not about
7:17 shaming or blaming them. You're telling
7:18 them, hey, this is personal to me. This
7:20 is my experience. It's called an asking
7:21 for empathy statement. It's getting
7:23 somebody to see your own frame of
7:25 reference. You can even say things in
7:26 short to people called asking for
7:28 empathy statements that we use in the
7:29 personal development school. Things
7:31 like, hey, knowing what you know about
7:32 me, although that wouldn't have hurt you
7:34 in the situation, can you see how that
7:36 would be sensitive for me? And so,
7:37 you're just bringing them back to your
7:39 own frame of reference. Okay? And then
7:41 you tell the person, "In order to move
7:43 on, I just need to hear that you're
7:45 sorry. I just need you to honor and see
7:46 and understand where I'm coming from and
7:48 say sorry, and I'll be ready to let this
7:50 go." And what you're doing is you're
7:51 saying, "I'm not trying to hash out a
7:53 conflict here with you for 7 hours. I'm
7:55 not trying to be in a huge conflict for
7:56 the rest of the day. I literally just
7:59 need you to honor and just recognize how
8:01 I'm feeling." Now, some of you, I know
8:02 what some of you are going to say. Some
8:03 of you are going to be like, "That's too
8:06 much work." D. Listen, if you're dating
8:07 somebody for 6 weeks and they're already
8:09 doing things that are unhealthy, you
8:10 don't have to be participating in this,
8:12 right? If you're not seeing what you
8:13 want in a relationship, it's your job to
8:15 actually vet people and not date them
8:18 going forward. But if you're on this
8:20 video here today and you're in love with
8:21 somebody that you've been dating for a
8:23 year and a half and you don't want to
8:25 walk away from a relationship without at
8:26 least trying to change your
8:28 communication and you can flip it in
8:29 three sentences to actually get your
8:31 feelings acknowledged. This is a great
8:32 tool that you can use not just with
8:34 dismissive avoidance. You can use it
8:35 with anybody when they're triggered in a
8:37 conflict and not seeing your side.
8:39 Family members, friends, romantic
8:41 partners, of course, bosses, you know,
8:44 in a more succinct way. But you can
8:46 really dive in here and just use these
8:47 asking for empathy statements to get
8:49 seen and heard to get your feelings
8:50 honored and acknowledged. And it's a
8:52 really easy thing to do in three or four
8:54 sentences that just gives you some
8:55 degree of control and really ups your
8:57 chances on being able to work through
8:59 communication in a much easier way.
9:01 Okay, so you can use that framework. We
9:02 talked about this in the conflict
9:03 communication course at PDS with a whole
9:04 bunch of other really powerful
9:07 frameworks for communicating which also
9:08 are included in that spin to win thing
9:10 down below if you want to access that
9:13 course for free too. But that is it for
9:15 today. Okay. Thank you for watching.
9:16 Thank you for listening. Let me know
9:19 your questions, comments down below. And
9:20 I hope you like, share, and subscribe to
9:21 this channel if you find this
9:23 information valuable. And I will see you
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