People change when they are internally motivated by their own experiences and the consequences of their patterns, not by external pressure, pleas, or the hopes of others. True change requires self-awareness and a personal cost, and individuals must ultimately decide if they can accept someone as they are or if they need to disengage.
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People change when they're ready,
not when you beg. People change when
their patterns hurt them,
not just you. People change when they're
humbled by reality,
not when they're pressured by others.
People change when it costs them something,
something,
not just you. People change for
themselves, not for your hope, not for
your timeline, not for your pain.
>> The number one health and wellness podcast,
podcast,
>> J Shetty.
>> J Shetty,
>> the one, the only J Shetty.
>> Hey, how's it going? Welcome back to
OnPurpose. It's J Shetty. I am so
grateful to each and every one of you
who've already subscribed. And if you
haven't, it would mean the world to me
if you click that button to make sure
you never miss out on an episode. We're
all here to become happier, healthier,
and more healed. If you're someone
that's on their spiritual journey, on
your personal growth journey, this is
the right place to be. This episode
today is about something that we all
struggle with. How many of you know
someone, you see their potential, and
when they don't live up to it, you feel
pain? How many of you really want to
change someone who's close to you? Could
be a parent, a family member, a partner.
And how many of you have been in
relationships or are in one right now
where you're constantly trying to get
the person you're with to upgrade and
uplevel, but it just doesn't seem to
happen. This episode is for you and is
all about what to do when people don't
change. I read a quote that changed my
life. It said people don't reveal
themsel through their words.
People reveal themselves
through their patterns.
Pay attention.
So many of us listen to what people say,
but we don't watch what they do. So many
of us look at how people look, but not
how they show up. So many of us get
carried away by how people treat others
but don't look at closely
at how they treat us. Observe patterns
and you will know the person.
Ignore patterns and you will forever be
in love with potential. People are
patterns. We all are. And yes, people
can change their patterns. But as you
know and I know patterns take a long
time to change. If you drive to work on
the same route every day, how long will
it take you to change it up? If you've
had the same breakfast cereal every
single morning for years, how long will
it take you to change it? Those are
physical things that may even be
changeable. But the patterns that are
hardwired in our mind, our subconscious,
and our thoughts require lifealtering
events often to set us on a new track
and that can sometimes be an extremely
painful process. The first point I want
to share with you today is the illusion
of potential is a projection of your own
wound. This is a harsh truth, but stay
with me. When you fall for someone's
potential, you're often falling for a
version of them that only exists in your imagination
imagination
or worse, in your unfinished childhood
needs. Think of someone you're trying to
fix and ask yourself, "What unmet need
in me is trying to be met through them?"
Clarity starts there. We let people
treat us badly because we crave
connection. We let people talk to us
poorly because we'd rather not be alone.
We let people walk all over us
because we don't know how to stand for
ourself. But when we do those things, we
don't change them. We lose ourselves.
People change when they're ready,
not when you beg. People change when
their patterns hurt them,
not just you. People change when they're
humbled by reality,
not when they're pressured by others.
People change when it costs them something,
something,
not just you. People change for themselves,
themselves,
not for your hope, not for your
timeline, not for your pain. When you realize
realize
that you can see someone's pattern, the
question you have to ask yourself is, am
I willing to stay here if the pattern
remains the same? Am I willing to be
present if they say they want to change?
Often we say yes, but they're changing.
Have they said they want to change? Have
they showed you a plan? Have they
committed to change? You may see small
changes, but unless they've vocalized
this, unless they've verbalized it,
unless they've communicated it with you,
you're still living in imagination. Now,
I know what you're thinking, Jay, what
do I do when it's my family? What do I
do when it's my partner? The first thing
you have to look at is if it's abusive
or toxic or highly emotionally manipulative,
manipulative,
you've got to take a look at that very
seriously. But if you're someone who is
listening and saying, "Jay, it's just
I'm not sure. or I really wish they
would do this. It would make a
difference. You have to ask yourself how
much you're willing to tolerate and be
patient. You have to ask yourself how
much you're losing yourself in the
process. Only you know that. Step number
two, believe what they do, not what they
say. If someone repeatedly disrespects
your time, disappears during hard
moments, or break boundaries, that's who
they are. So, if you're hoping for your
partner to become more empathetic or
less impulsive, the truth is they may
say those things, but what are you
seeing? What are they doing? What are
they acting? Because we're so emotional
and sentimental
when someone says the right thing, don't
you just light up inside? And you almost
think to yourself, I've just been
waiting for you to say that. I've just
been wishing for you to say that. I've
been wanting for you to say that. But
the reality is you're not waiting for
them to say that. You're waiting for
them to show that. That's what we have
to focus on. So track patterns. Hope is
not a strategy. Don't focus on promises.
Focus on patterns.
If someone repeatedly disrespects you,
that's who they are. At least for now.
If someone disappears when things get
hard, that's who they are. If someone
breaks your boundaries and calls it
love, that's who they are. If someone
lies to protect themselves,
not your trust, that's who they are. If
someone makes you question your worth,
that's who they are. If someone only
shows up when they need something,
that's who they are. If someone makes
you feel crazy for having standards,
that's who they are.
If someone constantly apologizes but
never changes,
that's who they are. If someone expects
grace but gives you none,
that's who they are.
They can change,
but only if they want to. A big part of
us justifies people's bad behavior.
Instead of looking at the patterns,
we say, "But they're great at this." But
they're wonderful in this way. That's
true. People are always two things. They
can be so many things. But we have to be
careful to not sacrifice ourselves for
too long. I know too many people who've
done this and 10 years later they say,
"I've lost myself. I don't know who I
am. I don't have an identity." We have
to measure how extremely
we're not accepting someone for who they
are. Step number three, this is going to
be a hard one to take in, but I have to
be honest with you. Stop mistaking your
control for love. Trying to change
people often feels like care, but it's
usually covert control. You're trying to
manage their chaos so you don't have to
face your fear of abandonment,
disappointment, or uncertainty.
Melody Bey in her foundational work on
codependency explains, "You can't force
someone to be who they're not. You can
only love them where they are or leave."
Next time you feel the urge to help
someone change, pause and ask, "Am I
doing this for them or to soothe my
discomfort with their behavior?" It's a
form of control. And again, it could be
unconscious. You could really care, but
underlying that is a care for yourself.
You don't want to have to experience the
emotions of letting them down. You don't
want to have to experience the emotion
of setting boundaries. You don't want to
have to experience the emotion of
someone not liking you. So, you'd rather
shapeshift, mold, and change them in the
process as well in order for both of you
to have a peaceful situation when it's
actually a situation where you don't
know each other. Let me give you an
example. When you're trying to change
someone, you're saying to them, "Hey, if
you were more organized, if you were
more focused, you could be more
successful." What you're trying to heal
is your personal issue with finances,
trying to heal your personal issue with
money, but you're trying to do it
through them. Now, I'm not saying you
don't need both people to earn. You may
be in a situation where you require both
people in your life to go and make
money, but the point is that person is
showing you who they are. They're
showing you where they're at. And they
might not be a good partner for you if
you're looking for mutual responsibility.
responsibility.
So much of the time we get enamored by
someone's mind, someone's words,
someone's aura, someone's charisma,
someone's personality
that we forget what real life looks
like. Real life looks like looking at
your bank balance, looking at your bills,
bills,
waking up next to someone and going to
sleep next to someone. Real life looks
like coming home when you're bored and
tired. And so are they. Real life looks
like talking when there's nothing
exciting to talk about. Real life looks
like planning when you're just waiting
for that vacation. Who do you want to be
in your life for the real things, not
just the imaginative ones? Step number
four is radical acceptance is not resignation.
resignation.
It's respect philosophy.
Dialectical behavior therapy, also known
as DBT, and Buddhism have this understanding.
understanding.
Radical acceptance, a DBT concept
created by Dr. Marsha Linhan, is about
fully accepting reality as it is, not as
we wish it were. To be honest, most of
our problems exist because of how we
want life to be and how life actually
is. The gap between those two is the
amount of pain you experience. If you
want life to feel like this, but it
actually looks like this, that gap is
the amount of stress, pain, and anxiety
you feel. So people just say, "Wait, do
I lower my expectations?"
No, we don't want expectations. We want
to experience reality so we can make
better choices. If I walk into a
restaurant and I experience the food, I
know whether I want to go back. But if I
go there with high expectations,
it may not meet mine. Or if I go there
with low expectations, I may be
impressed, but that impressed may not be
accurate because I may be impressed
because I had low expectations, so I'll
accept whatever I get. Right? When
you're hungry and you walk into a
restaurant, you go, "Oh my gosh, this
place is amazing." And then you go back
when you're kind of hungry and you're
like, "Oh, wait. It's not as good as I
remembered." Right? You've been there
before. We do that because it's not
about low or high expectations. It's
about experiencing something properly.
If you experience it, you can go,
"Actually, I didn't love this place. I'm
not coming back." Or, "I love this
place. It's amazing. I come back when
I'm tired. I come back when I'm hungry.
I come back when I'm on a date. I come
back when I'm with family." Right? You
figure out what it's actually for. It's
not about saying this is okay. It's
saying this is what is and I get to
choose how I respond.
You don't have to tolerate disrespect
just because you know their trauma. You
don't have to accept mistreatment
to prove you're loving. You don't have
to stay just because you see their
potential. You can forgive someone and
still walk away.
You can see the good in them and still
choose better for yourself.
You can understand someone's pain and
still protect your peace.
You don't have to make excuses for
behavior that's breaking you. Tolerance
doesn't mean you let someone walk all
over you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let
someone take advantage of you. Tolerance
doesn't mean you let someone disrespect
you. It means you understand this is
what it is and you tolerate until you
make your decision to stay or go to be
here and live through it or leave.
You tolerate while you're figuring it
out. Why do we stay? We stay because
we're scared of being alone
or we stay because we're hoping they'll
change. Both of those are
not great options. If we're staying just
because we don't want to be alone, we
set ourselves up for more pain. And if
we stay hoping they'll change,
we also create more pain. So what do you
do when you know someone can change?
When you want someone to change, first
you can definitely try to introduce them
to things that will help them change.
You may see their potential, but you
have to ask them if they see that
potential. I remember when I started
dating Radhi and even when we got
married, I could see who she could
become. And then I realized how selfish
that was, how it was a projection of my
own insecurities or imagination, and how
it wasn't selfless as it appeared. It
was selfish. If I really want what's
right for someone and if I love someone,
it's about asking them who they want to
be, where they want to be, and what they
want to be, that's love. That's
selflessness. But now, if it's behavior
where someone's not doing the chores,
someone's not taking responsibility,
someone's not taking accountability,
someone doesn't help out at home, they
may never change that. And it's up to
you to decide whether you're willing to
live in that space. And I get it,
leaving is hard, letting go is hard, and
we've done plenty of episodes on that.
But you have to realize that this is
what you're signing up for. It's almost
like a subscription plan, but you only
figure out the hidden language and the
small print afterwards, right? None of
us read the small print when we
subscribe to something. When we sign up
to something, you just put in your email
and you log in, you tick the box. You
never really think it through. We do the
same in relationships,
but then we experience the small print
afterwards and then we feel let down.
Read the small print.
reading between the lines. Take it for
what it is. Point number five, you're
not their mirror, you're their
environment. The Pyon effect versus the
environmental conditioning.
Yes, people rise to expectations,
but only if they want to. The Pyon
effect shows that people perform better
when high expectations are clearly
communicated. But this only works when
there's mutual investment.
You're not a sculptor, you're the soil.
You can be nourishing, but you cannot
will a plant to grow. If they don't want
the light, your sunshine will burn them.
So, you can offer support, but you can't
provide transformation.
You can't be someone's guru. You can't
be someone's guide. You can't be
someone's teacher unless they allow you
to be. And what I've seen is that people
change more by the people around them
than by someone telling them what to do.
If you're around a group of high
achievers, you'll feel like becoming a
high achiever. If you're around a group
of people who take care of their health,
you'll feel like taking care of your
health. If you're around a group of
people who gossip and talk negatively
about others, you gossip and talk
negatively about others. We are so
defined by the people that we're around.
If you really want to change yourself
and you really want to change someone
else, it's about changing who they're
around. It's not about telling them the
right thing to do. It's not about
sending them articles. It's not about
educating them. It's about taking them
to another space, allowing them to
experience that. That's where change
occurs. That's how change happens. And
the reality is sometimes the most loving
choice is often to let go.
Sometimes the deepest form of love is saying,
saying,
"I see you clearly now and I release you
with compassion."
Research in the Journal of Positive
Psychology shows that people who
practice disengagement coping, letting
go of unchangeable people or situations,
report higher well-being and less
depression than those who continue
trying to fix. People are not yours to
fix. People are not yours to solve.
People are not yours to change.
Instead of disrespecting them, first
start with distance.
And if distance doesn't work, then disconnect.
disconnect.
Often we stay close to people with
judgment, with criticism, with complaining
complaining
only to make us far away from them. Anyway,
Anyway,
Roomie once asked, "Do you know why
people shout when they're angry? Because
when you're angry and you're fighting
with someone, you're physically close to them.
them.
Roomie said we shout because our hearts
are far apart.
Even though we're physically close to
someone, we can be emotionally so far
that we're shouting to get the message across.
across.
But no one has ever changed because
someone shouted at them. No one has ever
changed because someone complained to them.
them.
People changed when they realized that
if they didn't,
their life would fall apart. What I want
to share with you in this episode truly
is recognizing and understanding
that relationships are difficult.
Relationships are challenging. And
sometimes our expectations of others and
what we want them to be or who we want
them to be are completely unrealistic.
And what ends up happening is that we
create more issues in trying to change
the other person than we would if we
just connected with them. This is why in
any relationship, whether it's
professional or personal or romantic,
you need to know what are your
priorities and what are your
preferences. Your priorities are things
you don't negotiate with and your
preferences are things that are nice to
have but may not always be there. We
have to realize that people also go
through seasons. You could marry someone confident
confident
but divorce someone broken.
You could date someone loving but break
up with someone who's hard-hearted.
You could love someone who's compassionate,
compassionate,
believe someone who's judgmental.
People change in ways we don't want them
to more than they change in the ways we
want them to. The only decision under
our control is, do I want to be close?
Do I still want to be here?
Can I be patient and tolerant?
or am I losing myself?
Focus on what you can control, which is
how you feel, what you do, and whether
you stay or leave.
That's what you're in charge of. That's
what you have power over.
Focus on that. Thank you so much for
listening to today. I love recording
these episodes. I am so grateful to each
and every one of you that watches and
shares and comments. Please make sure
you pass this on to someone who could
really benefit from it. Share your
insights on Tik Tok and Instagram about
what you're learning. I love seeing the
posts. I love engaging with them. You'll
even see me share them on Instagram. And
I really, really, truly hope that this
is helping you heal and live a better,
more meaningful life. I'm committed to
that and I'm forever in your corner and
I'm always rooting for you. If you love
this episode, you will enjoy my
interview with Dr. Julie Smith on
unblocking negative emotions and how to
embrace difficult feelings.
>> You've just got to be motivated every
day. And if you're not, then what are
you doing? And and actually, humans
don't work that way. Motivation, you
have to treat it like any other emotion.
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