It Started As a Three Some. It Ended In Murde...

Okay, I stabbed a

Okay, I stabbed a guy. If that's something that you don't

guy. If that's something that you don't

guy. If that's something that you don't think you're going to be able to handle

think you're going to be able to handle

think you're going to be able to handle maturely, you are free to

maturely, you are free to

maturely, you are free to leave because this is not going to be a

leave because this is not going to be a

leave because this is not going to be a silly

goofy. This is something that I deeply

goofy. This is something that I deeply deeply regret.

deeply regret.

deeply regret. This is something that was very

This is something that was very

This is something that was very traumatic for me. And yes, it can be

traumatic for me. And yes, it can be

traumatic for me. And yes, it can be traumatic even though it was me that did

traumatic even though it was me that did

traumatic even though it was me that did it. Did it quote unquote? I can't do air

it. Did it quote unquote? I can't do air

it. Did it quote unquote? I can't do air quotes because I'm holding the camera.

But it's almost the sixth

But it's almost the sixth anniversary and that's why I'm in this

anniversary and that's why I'm in this

anniversary and that's why I'm in this schwanky danky ding-dong

schwanky danky ding-dong

schwanky danky ding-dong hotel because me and Brian's parents

hotel because me and Brian's parents

hotel because me and Brian's parents like to get together every year on the

like to get together every year on the

like to get together every year on the 6th anniversary. Oh my god. Look. Okay.

6th anniversary. Oh my god. Look. Okay.

6th anniversary. Oh my god. Look. Okay. Sorry. Look at this chocolate bar. See

Sorry. Look at this chocolate bar. See

Sorry. Look at this chocolate bar. See this chocolate bar?

this chocolate bar?

this chocolate bar? How much do you think this chocolate bar

How much do you think this chocolate bar

How much do you think this chocolate bar costs on the mini

bar? You're wrong. Whatever you said.

bar? You're wrong. Whatever you said. Focus on the thing. Focus on the menu.

Focus on the thing. Focus on the menu.

Focus on the thing. Focus on the menu. Sorry, not you. I'm talking to the

Sorry, not you. I'm talking to the

Sorry, not you. I'm talking to the camera.

camera.

camera. Focus. God. You think this camera is

Focus. God. You think this camera is

Focus. God. You think this camera is [ __ ] Oh my god. Go. Come

[ __ ] Oh my god. Go. Come

[ __ ] Oh my god. Go. Come on. Right there. Right

on. Right there. Right

on. Right there. Right there. Jesus Christ. Okay. $11.

there. Jesus Christ. Okay. $11.

there. Jesus Christ. Okay. $11. That that chocolate bar

That that chocolate bar

That that chocolate bar $11. The chocolate chip cookies. Those

$11. The chocolate chip cookies. Those

$11. The chocolate chip cookies. Those chocolate chip

chocolate chip

chocolate chip cookies

cookies

cookies $16. The list goes on and on. This is a

$16. The list goes on and on. This is a

$16. The list goes on and on. This is a granola bar down here at the bottom.

granola bar down here at the bottom.

granola bar down here at the bottom. $8.

$8. It's absolutely ridiculous. But I'll

$8. It's absolutely ridiculous. But I'll tell you what, I do kind of want one of

tell you what, I do kind of want one of

tell you what, I do kind of want one of these

kombuchas because it ain't my

kombuchas because it ain't my dime. I ain't paying for [ __ ] boy.

dime. I ain't paying for [ __ ] boy.

dime. I ain't paying for [ __ ] boy. Sorry, I'm slipping into the southern

Sorry, I'm slipping into the southern

Sorry, I'm slipping into the southern guy. It's fancy

dancy. Oh

dancy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Look at

yeah. Oh yeah. Look at

yeah. Oh yeah. Look at that. Mhm. I hope they don't charge me

that. Mhm. I hope they don't charge me

that. Mhm. I hope they don't charge me $20

$20

$20 for leaving a uh not using a coaster and

for leaving a uh not using a coaster and

for leaving a uh not using a coaster and leaving a ring around the menu. Ring

leaving a ring around the menu. Ring

leaving a ring around the menu. Ring around the menu like ring around the

around the menu like ring around the

around the menu like ring around the rosie. I'm sorry. I'm just really not in

rosie. I'm sorry. I'm just really not in

rosie. I'm sorry. I'm just really not in a [ __ ] good

why. because me and Brian's parents like

why. because me and Brian's parents like to get together every year for the

to get together every year for the

to get together every year for the anniversary and

anniversary and

anniversary and uh it is well I guess that's not true

uh it is well I guess that's not true

uh it is well I guess that's not true because we haven't done it every year.

because we haven't done it every year.

because we haven't done it every year. We did not do it the first year

We did not do it the first year

We did not do it the first year obviously because of co

obviously because of co

obviously because of co um and I guess there were probably a lot

um and I guess there were probably a lot

um and I guess there were probably a lot of other reasons because it was just it

of other reasons because it was just it

of other reasons because it was just it was just too fresh at that point I

was just too fresh at that point I

was just too fresh at that point I think.

think.

think. You know, I'm amazed they even ever

You know, I'm amazed they even ever

You know, I'm amazed they even ever wanted to talk to I can't believe they

wanted to talk to I can't believe they

wanted to talk to I can't believe they ever wanted to talk to me again at all,

ever wanted to talk to me again at all,

ever wanted to talk to me again at all, let alone, you

let alone, you

let alone, you know, make it kind of a kind of a

know, make it kind of a kind of a

know, make it kind of a kind of a tradition, you know, let alone have a

tradition, you know, let alone have a

tradition, you know, let alone have a relationship with me.

relationship with me.

relationship with me. That's I think you know when I think

That's I think you know when I think

That's I think you know when I think about how I was raised Catholic and I

about how I was raised Catholic and I

about how I was raised Catholic and I think about the ideas that they used to

think about the ideas that they used to

think about the ideas that they used to talk about all the time in Catholicism

talk about all the time in Catholicism

talk about all the time in Catholicism which were you know basically they would

which were you know basically they would

which were you know basically they would say Jesus if you do

say Jesus if you do

say Jesus if you do anything you can still be forgiven if

anything you can still be forgiven if

anything you can still be forgiven if you say you're

you say you're

you say you're sorry if you do

sorry if you do

sorry if you do anything. that's was his whole thing,

anything. that's was his whole thing,

anything. that's was his whole thing, you know, and when you're a kid, you

you know, and when you're a kid, you

you know, and when you're a kid, you don't really grasp the gravity of that

don't really grasp the gravity of that

don't really grasp the gravity of that because you're just like, "Yeah,

because you're just like, "Yeah,

because you're just like, "Yeah, whatever." You know, I I uh I uh stole a

whatever." You know, I I uh I uh stole a

whatever." You know, I I uh I uh stole a candy bar that was

candy bar that was

candy bar that was $11.

$11.

$11. Um you know, I wonder if I went to the

Um you know, I wonder if I went to the

Um you know, I wonder if I went to the store and I bought that exact exact

store and I bought that exact exact

store and I bought that exact exact candy bar for three bucks or whatever it

candy bar for three bucks or whatever it

candy bar for three bucks or whatever it is at the

is at the

is at the store. and I ate that one and then put

store. and I ate that one and then put

store. and I ate that one and then put the other candy bar there if they

the other candy bar there if they

the other candy bar there if they wouldn't know and they wouldn't charge

wouldn't know and they wouldn't charge

wouldn't know and they wouldn't charge me. I should try

that.

that. Um, but yeah, they say if you do

Um, but yeah, they say if you do

Um, but yeah, they say if you do anything at all, you can be forgiven if

anything at all, you can be forgiven if

anything at all, you can be forgiven if you say you're sorry.

you say you're sorry.

you say you're sorry. Um, that's an amazing thing. And I am

Um, that's an amazing thing. And I am

Um, that's an amazing thing. And I am not religious. I'm not trying to be a

not religious. I'm not trying to be a

not religious. I'm not trying to be a religious freakazoid,

religious freakazoid,

religious freakazoid, but you know, as a kid, you don't really

but you know, as a kid, you don't really

but you know, as a kid, you don't really understand. But then when you get

understand. But then when you get

understand. But then when you get older, you know, life becomes more and

older, you know, life becomes more and

older, you know, life becomes more and more I

think people get more and more

think people get more and more vindictive. Well, I guess I shouldn't

vindictive. Well, I guess I shouldn't

vindictive. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I think in the in the in the

say that. I think in the in the in the

say that. I think in the in the in the grand scheme of

grand scheme of

grand scheme of things, you know, we tend to think of

things, you know, we tend to think of

things, you know, we tend to think of these things in life, in society, is

these things in life, in society, is

these things in life, in society, is there's certain things that you can do

there's certain things that you can do

there's certain things that you can do that are

that are

that are unforgivable. I'm wearing a bathrobe, by

unforgivable. I'm wearing a bathrobe, by

unforgivable. I'm wearing a bathrobe, by the way. Did you guys notice that?

the way. Did you guys notice that?

the way. Did you guys notice that? Um, I don't think that I have ever I

Um, I don't think that I have ever I

Um, I don't think that I have ever I can't even remember the last time I wore

can't even remember the last time I wore

can't even remember the last time I wore a bathrobe. I think it was probably when

a bathrobe. I think it was probably when

a bathrobe. I think it was probably when I was a kid. But um I don't know. I was

I was a kid. But um I don't know. I was

I was a kid. But um I don't know. I was feeling fancy. I actually had a little

feeling fancy. I actually had a little

feeling fancy. I actually had a little bit of an incident though because

bit of an incident though because

bit of an incident though because because this is the second

because this is the second

because this is the second bathrobe that the hotel supplied with

bathrobe that the hotel supplied with

bathrobe that the hotel supplied with me. The first one is out there on the

me. The first one is out there on the

me. The first one is out there on the patio. Um if the camera will focus on it

patio. Um if the camera will focus on it

patio. Um if the camera will focus on it and show you. No, not I don't want to

and show you. No, not I don't want to

and show you. No, not I don't want to see the window bars. I want to see the

see the window bars. I want to see the

see the window bars. I want to see the outside of the window.

Uh, the reason it's out there is because

Uh, the reason it's out there is because um I was going to the

um I was going to the

um I was going to the restroom, you know, and when you're

restroom, you know, and when you're

restroom, you know, and when you're wearing things like pants and a

wearing things like pants and a

wearing things like pants and a shirt, that's easy to keep track of

shirt, that's easy to keep track of

shirt, that's easy to keep track of because it's just like this is my these

because it's just like this is my these

because it's just like this is my these are my pants, this is my shirt. But when

are my pants, this is my shirt. But when

are my pants, this is my shirt. But when you

you

you um have a robe, you've got all these

um have a robe, you've got all these

um have a robe, you've got all these things just sort of sort of flailing

things just sort of sort of flailing

things just sort of sort of flailing about, dangling everywhere. And so I sat

about, dangling everywhere. And so I sat

about, dangling everywhere. And so I sat down on the toilet cuz I sit down to

down on the toilet cuz I sit down to

down on the toilet cuz I sit down to pee. And there's nothing wrong with

pee. And there's nothing wrong with

pee. And there's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't make you less of a

that. That doesn't make you less of a

that. That doesn't make you less of a man.

man.

man. Um and this I guess dripped in the

Um and this I guess dripped in the

Um and this I guess dripped in the toilet and sort of steeped in the toilet

toilet and sort of steeped in the toilet

toilet and sort of steeped in the toilet water.

water.

water. Um, and then it dripped all over the

Um, and then it dripped all over the

Um, and then it dripped all over the floor and and uh it was really gross.

floor and and uh it was really gross.

floor and and uh it was really gross. So, it's out there drying right

just this isn't really my kind of place.

just this isn't really my kind of place. I think my the my least favorite type of

I think my the my least favorite type of

I think my the my least favorite type of thing, my least favorite

thing, my least favorite

thing, my least favorite aesthetic is

like the sort of target chic thing that

like the sort of target chic thing that rich people tend to default to, you

rich people tend to default to, you

rich people tend to default to, you know, like almost like bachelorette

know, like almost like bachelorette

know, like almost like bachelorette party aesthetic, if that makes sense,

party aesthetic, if that makes sense,

party aesthetic, if that makes sense, because it just feels fake, you know?

because it just feels fake, you know?

because it just feels fake, you know? Maybe not fake, but it just feels like

Maybe not fake, but it just feels like

Maybe not fake, but it just feels like it's it just feels I don't know what it

it's it just feels I don't know what it

it's it just feels I don't know what it is about it exactly,

is about it exactly,

is about it exactly, but maybe I'll show you kind of what I

but maybe I'll show you kind of what I

but maybe I'll show you kind of what I mean

mean

mean here. You know, like the the countertop

here. You know, like the the countertop

here. You know, like the the countertop and then the the I don't know. It just

and then the the I don't know. It just

and then the the I don't know. It just feels

like I don't know. Do you guys know what

like I don't know. Do you guys know what I

I

I mean? No, you don't. Nobody [ __ ]

mean? No, you don't. Nobody [ __ ]

mean? No, you don't. Nobody [ __ ] knows what you mean. you know, cuz

knows what you mean. you know, cuz

knows what you mean. you know, cuz you're saying things that are stupid and

you're saying things that are stupid and

you're saying things that are stupid and don't make

sense. I do love that kombucha,

sense. I do love that kombucha, though.

Um, yeah, Brian's parents and

Um, yeah, Brian's parents and I I'm in

I I'm in

I I'm in town

town

town because it's kind of become a little

because it's kind of become a little

because it's kind of become a little tradition. I'll visit with them for a

tradition. I'll visit with them for a

tradition. I'll visit with them for a little bit and they'll put me up in a

little bit and they'll put me up in a

little bit and they'll put me up in a nice

nice

nice hotel.

hotel.

hotel. Um because they're they're they're sort

Um because they're they're they're sort

Um because they're they're they're sort of well off and I think that they

they I don't know. It's honestly

they I don't know. It's honestly just something that I literally

just something that I literally

just something that I literally cannot fathom. I cannot fathom their

cannot fathom. I cannot fathom their

cannot fathom. I cannot fathom their grace and kindness.

To say that I don't deserve

To say that I don't deserve it

it

it is understating it to an extent that

is understating it to an extent that

is understating it to an extent that is

absurd and I don't understand I don't

absurd and I don't understand I don't understand you

Um like I said it was 6 years

Um like I said it was 6 years ago. Uh it was a very very dark time in

ago. Uh it was a very very dark time in

ago. Uh it was a very very dark time in my life which feels like I am not trying

my life which feels like I am not trying

my life which feels like I am not trying to say that as a copout but I am saying

to say that as a copout but I am saying

to say that as a copout but I am saying that

genuinely I think if I wasn't on drugs

genuinely I think if I wasn't on drugs if I wasn't drinking it wouldn't

if I wasn't drinking it wouldn't

if I wasn't drinking it wouldn't happened. Now, I don't think that there

happened. Now, I don't think that there

happened. Now, I don't think that there was any chance in hell that I ever at

was any chance in hell that I ever at

was any chance in hell that I ever at that point in my life would not have

that point in my life would not have

that point in my life would not have been drinking and on drugs,

but it's just something that I can truly

but it's just something that I can truly say will never happen again because

say will never happen again because

say will never happen again because I will never allow myself to be in that

I will never allow myself to be in that

I will never allow myself to be in that situation ever again. I will never, you

situation ever again. I will never, you

situation ever again. I will never, you know, I used to before

know, I used to before

know, I used to before this happened, I used to sort of come

this happened, I used to sort of come

this happened, I used to sort of come back to this philosophical question a

back to this philosophical question a

back to this philosophical question a lot of the time that was basically like,

lot of the time that was basically like,

lot of the time that was basically like, do you think

do you think

do you think that

that

that anybody is capable of killing

someone? Or is it that certain people

someone? Or is it that certain people are born with something that that makes

are born with something that that makes

are born with something that that makes that in

there, you know, and it sort of goes

there, you know, and it sort of goes back to what I said earlier. We all sort

back to what I said earlier. We all sort

back to what I said earlier. We all sort of like to think that people who do

of like to think that people who do

of like to think that people who do things like this are sort of a different

things like this are sort of a different

things like this are sort of a different species than

species than

species than us. So we don't have to humanize them.

us. So we don't have to humanize them.

us. So we don't have to humanize them. we don't have to worry because if we

we don't have to worry because if we

we don't have to worry because if we humanize them then then we have to worry

humanize them then then we have to worry

humanize them then then we have to worry about well how do I what if I became

about well how do I what if I became

about well how do I what if I became that kind of person what if I did

that kind of person what if I did

that kind of person what if I did something like that I cannot allow

something like that I cannot allow

something like that I cannot allow myself to even fathom that I ever

myself to even fathom that I ever

myself to even fathom that I ever would so it's just easier to

would so it's just easier to

would so it's just easier to pretend that

uh that I am not even capable of it like

uh that I am not even capable of it like something

something

something physically prevents that from ever

physically prevents that from ever

physically prevents that from ever happening

which I don't think is true, you know,

which I don't think is true, you know, because I can say honestly and

definitively I I think the fact that

definitively I I think the fact that I the fact that this

I the fact that this

I the fact that this happened. No, you know what? Okay, I'll

happened. No, you know what? Okay, I'll

happened. No, you know what? Okay, I'll say it. The fact that I did this because

say it. The fact that I did this because

say it. The fact that I did this because I did do

I did do

I did do it. I'm not in any way trying to say

it. I'm not in any way trying to say

it. I'm not in any way trying to say like, oh, it was an accident. You know,

like, oh, it was an accident. You know,

like, oh, it was an accident. You know, it wasn't an accident.

you know, and

you know, and technically I was very lucky because I

technically I was very lucky because I

technically I was very lucky because I didn't get any prison time

didn't get any prison time

didn't get any prison time because I think the the judge

because I think the the judge

because I think the the judge understood that that that I was sort of

understood that that that I was sort of

understood that that that I was sort of not of sound mind at the

not of sound mind at the

not of sound mind at the time, you know, because of because of I

time, you know, because of because of I

time, you know, because of because of I was under the influence of a lot of

was under the influence of a lot of

was under the influence of a lot of things, not just substances,

things, not just substances,

things, not just substances, but I was in an emotional

but I was in an emotional

but I was in an emotional state that I should not have allowed

state that I should not have allowed

state that I should not have allowed myself to get

myself to get

myself to get into, but it was the result of a very,

into, but it was the result of a very,

into, but it was the result of a very, very, very toxic, terrible

very, very toxic, terrible

very, very toxic, terrible situation.

judge understood that and I suppose

judge understood that and I suppose Brian's parents understood that as well.

It's so

It's so interesting, you know,

because I was thinking about this the

because I was thinking about this the other day.

other day.

other day. We sort of like to think

that we can take our emotional

that we can take our emotional experiences and our

experiences and our

experiences and our lives and we can sort of form them into

lives and we can sort of form them into

lives and we can sort of form them into nice little character arcs because

nice little character arcs because

nice little character arcs because that's what we see on

that's what we see on

that's what we see on TV, you

TV, you

TV, you know, and I think that's a lot of the

know, and I think that's a lot of the

know, and I think that's a lot of the reason why we are not able

reason why we are not able

reason why we are not able to accept accept the humanity of those

to accept accept the humanity of those

to accept accept the humanity of those who do things like what I did. You know,

who do things like what I did. You know,

who do things like what I did. You know, if you go through the Facebook comments

if you go through the Facebook comments

if you go through the Facebook comments on the on the news

article, it's people who just think that

article, it's people who just think that I should be cut up and fed to dogs on

I should be cut up and fed to dogs on

I should be cut up and fed to dogs on the side of the road.

Um because I think we tend to view these

Um because I think we tend to view these types of things as existing in a vacuum,

types of things as existing in a vacuum,

types of things as existing in a vacuum, you know. So like in a movie, let's say

you know. So like in a movie, let's say

you know. So like in a movie, let's say there's a horror

there's a horror

there's a horror movie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is

movie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is

movie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is a good

a good

a good movie. You know, these people go to this

movie. You know, these people go to this

movie. You know, these people go to this house, they're terrorized by this crazy

house, they're terrorized by this crazy

house, they're terrorized by this crazy guy. One of them gets away. spoiler

guy. One of them gets away. spoiler

guy. One of them gets away. spoiler alert. And then they're fine or that's

alert. And then they're fine or that's

alert. And then they're fine or that's it. It's over. Everything is okay

it. It's over. Everything is okay

it. It's over. Everything is okay because they got

away. The part of the movie that we

away. The part of the movie that we don't

don't

don't see is

see is

see is that everybody involved in that story

that everybody involved in that story

that everybody involved in that story still has to live the rest of their

still has to live the rest of their

still has to live the rest of their lives. They have to live the next 60

lives. They have to live the next 60

lives. They have to live the next 60 years of their lives.

How how is that

How how is that possible? We don't see that part because

possible? We don't see that part because

possible? We don't see that part because it's not

it's not

it's not exciting. Real life is not exciting at

exciting. Real life is not exciting at

exciting. Real life is not exciting at all. Real life is very boring because in

all. Real life is very boring because in

all. Real life is very boring because in real life we don't we don't want our

real life we don't we don't want our

real life we don't we don't want our lives to be like a

movie. We want our

movie. We want our emotions, you

emotions, you

emotions, you know, to be

resolved. And so I think that that goes

resolved. And so I think that that goes a long way in explaining, you

a long way in explaining, you

a long way in explaining, you know, why Brian's

parents sort of now view me

parents sort of now view me as as a ch as their

as as a ch as their

as as a ch as their child because they don't have anybody

child because they don't have anybody

child because they don't have anybody else left. you

else left. you

else left. you know, he was their only child and

know, he was their only child and

know, he was their only child and and I we were remarkably similar. I

and I we were remarkably similar. I

and I we were remarkably similar. I mean, we were we were I do really think

mean, we were we were I do really think

mean, we were we were I do really think that we were we were soulmates. We were

that we were we were soulmates. We were

that we were we were soulmates. We were kindered spir kindred spirits.

um

um and I'll say

and I'll say

and I'll say this, I do think that I was the person

this, I do think that I was the person

this, I do think that I was the person who loved him the most of anyone.

Same with Becca. I think I was the

Same with Becca. I think I was the person that loved her the most. I think

person that loved her the most. I think

person that loved her the most. I think the three of

the three of

the three of us loved each other more than anyone

us loved each other more than anyone

us loved each other more than anyone else ever

will.

will. And unfortunately the part of love that

And unfortunately the part of love that

And unfortunately the part of love that I

I

I think love is a very powerful

think love is a very powerful

think love is a very powerful emotion. You know, the opposite of love

emotion. You know, the opposite of love

emotion. You know, the opposite of love is

is

is not

not

not hatred. It's apathy. It's not giving a

[ __ ] Hatred and love, I think, are

[ __ ] Hatred and love, I think, are both Well, I shouldn't say hatred. No,

both Well, I shouldn't say hatred. No,

both Well, I shouldn't say hatred. No, you know what? I I am going to say

you know what? I I am going to say

you know what? I I am going to say hatred because that is what it is.

hatred because that is what it is.

hatred because that is what it is. I felt deep in my

I felt deep in my

I felt deep in my bones that I was frothing with

hatred. But I don't think that that I

hatred. But I don't think that that I think that is because I will never love

think that is because I will never love

think that is because I will never love someone that deeply ever

someone that deeply ever

someone that deeply ever again because it's not possible to hate

again because it's not possible to hate

again because it's not possible to hate somebody that much unless you love them

somebody that much unless you love them

somebody that much unless you love them that much.

that much.

that much. Unless there has been a stake driven

Unless there has been a stake driven

Unless there has been a stake driven into your

heart deep enough that you can even

heart deep enough that you can even access those emotions that you can even

access those emotions that you can even

access those emotions that you can even access emotions that are that

access emotions that are that

access emotions that are that powerful. Hatred that is that

2019, June

2019, June 9th was the day that it

9th was the day that it

9th was the day that it happened. And it's a little earlier than

happened. And it's a little earlier than

happened. And it's a little earlier than June 9th technically

June 9th technically

June 9th technically because I have I'm going out of town

because I have I'm going out of town

because I have I'm going out of town next week and so I'm not going to be

next week and so I'm not going to be

next week and so I'm not going to be available to you

available to you

available to you know I'm not going to be available to to

know I'm not going to be available to to

know I'm not going to be available to to be with him on the actual day. So we're

be with him on the actual day. So we're

be with him on the actual day. So we're we're celebrating. It sounds a little

we're celebrating. It sounds a little

we're celebrating. It sounds a little weird to say celebrating but but that's

weird to say celebrating but but that's

weird to say celebrating but but that's kind of I guess we do celebrate his

kind of I guess we do celebrate his

kind of I guess we do celebrate his life, you know.

Um because

Um because again, you

again, you

again, you know, I am kind of I mean, Becca's gone.

know, I am kind of I mean, Becca's gone.

know, I am kind of I mean, Becca's gone. She's not gone, but but she's not, you

She's not gone, but but she's not, you

She's not gone, but but she's not, you know, I mean, when you think about it

know, I mean, when you think about it

know, I mean, when you think about it from their perspective, I guess it makes

from their perspective, I guess it makes

from their perspective, I guess it makes sense because

because he's still very much alive with

because he's still very much alive with me.

me.

me. So, it's like other than

So, it's like other than

So, it's like other than me, they just have

me, they just have

me, they just have nothing. And I think that that's

nothing. And I think that that's

nothing. And I think that that's probably too it's that's that's too

probably too it's that's that's too

probably too it's that's that's too painful for them to be able to

accept. So, I think that that's why they

accept. So, I think that that's why they let me into their life like

let me into their life like

let me into their life like this

because life has to move on.

because life has to move on. You don't think about how life is going

You don't think about how life is going

You don't think about how life is going to move on for people who are in the

to move on for people who are in the

to move on for people who are in the movie, who are in the horror

movie, but it is going to. They have to

movie, but it is going to. They have to wake up every single day for the next 60

wake up every single day for the next 60

wake up every single day for the next 60 years, however long they live, since

years, however long they live, since

years, however long they live, since most horror movie protagonists were

most horror movie protagonists were

most horror movie protagonists were underageed

underageed

underageed girls.

Um,

Um, so people don't

so people don't

so people don't think about

think about

think about how you can't

how you can't

how you can't be

angry every day of your life because

angry every day of your life because it'll eat you alive.

You have to at some

You have to at some point forgive the person who did the

point forgive the person who did the

point forgive the person who did the thing to you that you believe is

thing to you that you believe is

thing to you that you believe is unforgivable because you just don't have

unforgivable because you just don't have

unforgivable because you just don't have any other

any other

any other choice. Now I will

choice. Now I will

choice. Now I will say I don't think that I will ever know

say I don't think that I will ever know

say I don't think that I will ever know what exactly they feel towards me.

honestly.

honestly. Well, maybe that's not true. Maybe maybe

maybe it is

maybe it is love. And it's it's like I just said

love. And it's it's like I just said

love. And it's it's like I just said with uh Brian, you

with uh Brian, you

with uh Brian, you know, love and hatred are both the

know, love and hatred are both the

know, love and hatred are both the same piercing

uh the same thing that's burrowed into

uh the same thing that's burrowed into your heart.

to sleep on this bed

to sleep on this bed yet. It smells Sometimes I don't like

yet. It smells Sometimes I don't like

yet. It smells Sometimes I don't like the smell of

the smell of

the smell of of like a hotel clean hotel smell.

of like a hotel clean hotel smell.

of like a hotel clean hotel smell. I always wondered

I always wondered

I always wondered if you

if you

if you know like these

know like these

know like these robes. Do you think

that because I've never used a hotel

that because I've never used a hotel robe before until

robe before until

robe before until today. So that probably means most

today. So that probably means most

today. So that probably means most people haven't

people haven't

people haven't either, which probably

either, which probably

either, which probably means those

means those

means those robes have been sitting in there

unused for years

unused for years possibly. Which brings me to my

possibly. Which brings me to my

possibly. Which brings me to my question.

question.

question. When the staff comes in and cleans the

When the staff comes in and cleans the

When the staff comes in and cleans the room, do they wash the robes every time

room, do they wash the robes every time

room, do they wash the robes every time regardless of whether or not they know

regardless of whether or not they know

regardless of whether or not they know somebody used it or do they just say,

somebody used it or do they just say,

somebody used it or do they just say, "Well, that that that you know the robe

"Well, that that that you know the robe

"Well, that that that you know the robe didn't get used, so just we'll just save

me.

me. Um, okay. Well, I have to use the

Um, okay. Well, I have to use the

Um, okay. Well, I have to use the bathroom, so I'm very sorry, but

All

All right. Well, I guess it probably makes

right. Well, I guess it probably makes

right. Well, I guess it probably makes sense

sense

sense to I'm trying to think about where to

to I'm trying to think about where to

to I'm trying to think about where to start.

start.

start. Um, the three of us met in college. I

Um, the three of us met in college. I

Um, the three of us met in college. I met Brian

met Brian

met Brian first. I met him freshman year

first. I met him freshman year

first. I met him freshman year because how did I meet him actually? I

because how did I meet him actually? I

because how did I meet him actually? I don't know. It doesn't

don't know. It doesn't

don't know. It doesn't matter. Um, Becca I

matter. Um, Becca I

matter. Um, Becca I met Oh man. Was it sophomore year? Yes,

met Oh man. Was it sophomore year? Yes,

met Oh man. Was it sophomore year? Yes, it was. Sophomore year in uh creative

it was. Sophomore year in uh creative

it was. Sophomore year in uh creative writing

writing

writing class. Yes. because I remember I lived

class. Yes. because I remember I lived

class. Yes. because I remember I lived at at that

at at that

at at that dorm.

dorm.

dorm. Um, so I was in a creative writing

Um, so I was in a creative writing

Um, so I was in a creative writing class

class

class and I've always said something that's

and I've always said something that's

and I've always said something that's kind of corny, which is that, you know,

kind of corny, which is that, you know,

kind of corny, which is that, you know, I do think that love at first sight

I do think that love at first sight

I do think that love at first sight exists,

exists,

exists, but I think what it is that we are

but I think what it is that we are

but I think what it is that we are feeling when that

feeling when that

feeling when that happens, you know, they they say I think

happens, you know, they they say I think

happens, you know, they they say I think Einstein said this or

Einstein said this or

Einstein said this or somebody.

somebody.

somebody. But

But

But time exists all at once. It's just a

time exists all at once. It's just a

time exists all at once. It's just a thing that's there. So every moment that

thing that's there. So every moment that

thing that's there. So every moment that has ever happened in the universe and

has ever happened in the universe and

has ever happened in the universe and ever will happen has both already

ever will happen has both already

ever will happen has both already happened and not happened yet. Sorry

happened and not happened yet. Sorry

happened and not happened yet. Sorry that was too

that was too

that was too confusing. Everything that has happened

confusing. Everything that has happened

confusing. Everything that has happened or ever will

or ever will

or ever will happen is just there.

We as human beings are sort of forced

We as human beings are sort of forced to experience all of it moment by moment

to experience all of it moment by moment

to experience all of it moment by moment because that is how we traverse through

because that is how we traverse through

because that is how we traverse through the universe, you know. So we're we are

the universe, you know. So we're we are

the universe, you know. So we're we are sort of shackled to the idea that we

sort of shackled to the idea that we

sort of shackled to the idea that we have to feel each and every moment pass

have to feel each and every moment pass

have to feel each and every moment pass through us as opposed to existing. Maybe

through us as opposed to existing. Maybe

through us as opposed to existing. Maybe there are fivedimensional aliens who can

there are fivedimensional aliens who can

there are fivedimensional aliens who can see time all at once, but we

see time all at once, but we

see time all at once, but we can't. So, I do think that when you meet

somebody who is going to be very pivotal

somebody who is going to be very pivotal in your life, who is going to change

in your life, who is going to change

in your life, who is going to change your

your

your life and have a big impact on

life and have a big impact on

life and have a big impact on you because that has already happened.

you because that has already happened.

you because that has already happened. You just haven't traveled through the

You just haven't traveled through the

You just haven't traveled through the moments

moments

moments yet. That energy

yet. That energy

yet. That energy exists in the

exists in the

exists in the universe. The energy sort of transcends

time. So that's there and you can feel

time. So that's there and you can feel that. You just don't know what it is

that. You just don't know what it is

that. You just don't know what it is because you

because you

because you haven't seen the moment occur yet.

haven't seen the moment occur yet.

haven't seen the moment occur yet. So, I do believe if the closest thing to

So, I do believe if the closest thing to

So, I do believe if the closest thing to love at first sight is is just

love at first sight is is just

love at first sight is is just us

us

us perceiving that the energy that the

perceiving that the energy that the

perceiving that the energy that the person is going to afflict on us in our

person is going to afflict on us in our

person is going to afflict on us in our lives. That's probably a negative way to

lives. That's probably a negative way to

lives. That's probably a negative way to say it,

say it,

say it, but but you know, I do. So, so so when I

but but you know, I do. So, so so when I

but but you know, I do. So, so so when I saw her in class for the first time

saw her in class for the first time

saw her in class for the first time across the

across the

across the room, it was like a lightning bolt. It

room, it was like a lightning bolt. It

room, it was like a lightning bolt. It was like I got hit by a lightning bolt,

was like I got hit by a lightning bolt,

was like I got hit by a lightning bolt, which is which is cliched way to say it,

which is which is cliched way to say it,

which is which is cliched way to say it, but it really was. It was like, you

but it really was. It was like, you

but it really was. It was like, you know, and I felt that I

know, and I felt that I

know, and I felt that I felt I felt the

uh I I wish that I would have Well, no.

uh I I wish that I would have Well, no. You know what? Maybe I shouldn't say

You know what? Maybe I shouldn't say

You know what? Maybe I shouldn't say that. It's a tricky thing cuz then I

that. It's a tricky thing cuz then I

that. It's a tricky thing cuz then I start to think like if you go down the

start to think like if you go down the

start to think like if you go down the line of like I'm glad it happened, which

line of like I'm glad it happened, which

line of like I'm glad it happened, which is not what I'm saying. Well, maybe it

is not what I'm saying. Well, maybe it

is not what I'm saying. Well, maybe it is what I'm saying.

is what I'm saying.

is what I'm saying. I mean, I guess it's a moot point

I mean, I guess it's a moot point

I mean, I guess it's a moot point because it doesn't really matter how I

because it doesn't really matter how I

because it doesn't really matter how I feel about what happened. It

feel about what happened. It

feel about what happened. It happened. I can't change that. Can't go

happened. I can't change that. Can't go

happened. I can't change that. Can't go back and fix it. So, it

back and fix it. So, it

back and fix it. So, it happened. So, saying, "Oh, am I happy it

happened. So, saying, "Oh, am I happy it

happened. So, saying, "Oh, am I happy it happened? Am I sad it happened? Do I

happened? Am I sad it happened? Do I

happened? Am I sad it happened? Do I regret it?" Blah, blah,

regret it?" Blah, blah,

regret it?" Blah, blah, blah. Doesn't matter because no matter

blah. Doesn't matter because no matter

blah. Doesn't matter because no matter how you feel about it, it's not going to

how you feel about it, it's not going to

how you feel about it, it's not going to change

change

change it. It just is what happened.

The only thing that you can change is

The only thing that you can change is the

the

the future. Which is why I am

future. Which is why I am

future. Which is why I am adamant to make sure

adamant to make sure

adamant to make sure uh that this never happens again. That's

uh that this never happens again. That's

uh that this never happens again. That's the only thing that I can change. I

the only thing that I can change. I

the only thing that I can change. I wish that, you

wish that, you

wish that, you know, seven years ago, six years ago, I

know, seven years ago, six years ago, I

know, seven years ago, six years ago, I would have had that same

would have had that same

would have had that same foresight, but I

foresight, but I

foresight, but I didn't cuz I didn't

didn't cuz I didn't

didn't cuz I didn't know. I had no

know. I had no

know. I had no clue, you know.

So, we didn't instantly, you know, I

So, we didn't instantly, you know, I mean,

mean,

mean, I guys who are in their early 20s,

I guys who are in their early 20s,

I guys who are in their early 20s, especially me when I was in my early

especially me when I was in my early

especially me when I was in my early 20s, are the biggest dumb [ __ ] who

20s, are the biggest dumb [ __ ] who

20s, are the biggest dumb [ __ ] who could ever

could ever

could ever exist. Because even if a girl had come

exist. Because even if a girl had come

exist. Because even if a girl had come up to me and said, "I want to have sex

up to me and said, "I want to have sex

up to me and said, "I want to have sex with you.

I would have had no clue that she was

I would have had no clue that she was interested. I would have said, "Well,

interested. I would have said, "Well,

interested. I would have said, "Well, she's just being nice. That's just how

she's just being nice. That's just how

she's just being nice. That's just how friends joke with each

friends joke with each

friends joke with each other." Because that honestly did happen

other." Because that honestly did happen

other." Because that honestly did happen a

a

a lot. And I think about all the times

lot. And I think about all the times

lot. And I think about all the times that it was right in front of my [ __ ]

that it was right in front of my [ __ ]

that it was right in front of my [ __ ] face, but I couldn't tell. and I didn't

face, but I couldn't tell. and I didn't

face, but I couldn't tell. and I didn't have the nerve

to pursue it or or or commit or go

to pursue it or or or commit or go through with

through with

through with it. And also it was a tricky situation

it. And also it was a tricky situation

it. And also it was a tricky situation because I was still dating somebody at

because I was still dating somebody at

because I was still dating somebody at the time, you know, because I was out of

the time, you know, because I was out of

the time, you know, because I was out of state for college and I was dating

state for college and I was dating

state for college and I was dating somebody who was back

somebody who was back

somebody who was back home, you know, and it was a it was a

home, you know, and it was a it was a

home, you know, and it was a it was a it's a tricky thing because it's like if

it's a tricky thing because it's like if

it's a tricky thing because it's like if you if you feel that way about somebody

you if you feel that way about somebody

you if you feel that way about somebody else, I was in my head. I was like,

else, I was in my head. I was like,

else, I was in my head. I was like, well, as long as I don't do anything,

well, as long as I don't do anything,

well, as long as I don't do anything, then it's fine. I haven't done anything

then it's fine. I haven't done anything

then it's fine. I haven't done anything wrong, you know?

wrong, you know?

wrong, you know? But the fact the way that I

wrong. And it's a weird kind of thing

wrong. And it's a weird kind of thing because it's not like the person will

because it's not like the person will

because it's not like the person will ever the person who I was dating and who

ever the person who I was dating and who

ever the person who I was dating and who I betrayed

I betrayed

I betrayed emotionally will ever find out unless

emotionally will ever find out unless

emotionally will ever find out unless they watch this video. So if you're

they watch this video. So if you're

they watch this video. So if you're watching this, I'm sorry.

But I don't think it makes it okay just

But I don't think it makes it okay just because it all happened inside of me.

because it all happened inside of me.

because it all happened inside of me. No, I that's not what I mean. Because it

No, I that's not what I mean. Because it

No, I that's not what I mean. Because it because it all was

because it all was

because it all was u happened in my

mind. But at the same time, I it's not

mind. But at the same time, I it's not like I could control that. It's not like

like I could control that. It's not like

like I could control that. It's not like I could control how I

felt. And I didn't do anything, you

felt. And I didn't do anything, you know. Well, actually, now that I think

know. Well, actually, now that I think

know. Well, actually, now that I think about it, I kind of did. I did a lot of

about it, I kind of did. I did a lot of

about it, I kind of did. I did a lot of things that

things that

things that probably I thought I was getting away

probably I thought I was getting away

probably I thought I was getting away with it. I was being tricky, you know. I

with it. I was being tricky, you know. I

with it. I was being tricky, you know. I was I was obeying the

was I was obeying the

was I was obeying the rules. But, you know, I uh back then

rules. But, you know, I uh back then

rules. But, you know, I uh back then Facebook was popular. So, I friended her

Facebook was popular. So, I friended her

Facebook was popular. So, I friended her on Facebook and we started we started

on Facebook and we started we started

on Facebook and we started we started actually I was shocked. I was shocked

actually I was shocked. I was shocked

actually I was shocked. I was shocked because she messaged me first out of

because she messaged me first out of

because she messaged me first out of nowhere. out of

nowhere. out of

nowhere. out of nowhere. And I was genuinely

shocked. She was

shocked. She was hot. And honestly, I look back and I'm

hot. And honestly, I look back and I'm

hot. And honestly, I look back and I'm like, she wasn't that hot. But but but I

like, she wasn't that hot. But but but I

like, she wasn't that hot. But but but I thought she was. I just don't think that

thought she was. I just don't think that

thought she was. I just don't think that she was as out of my league as I

she was as out of my league as I

she was as out of my league as I thought, you know, at the time cuz I

thought, you know, at the time cuz I

thought, you know, at the time cuz I didn't have any confidence. I'm not

didn't have any confidence. I'm not

didn't have any confidence. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm just saying

saying that to be mean. I'm just saying

saying that to be mean. I'm just saying like, you know, it's just the way it is.

Um, where's my

Um, where's my kombucha? Let's go over to the com the

kombucha? Let's go over to the com the

kombucha? Let's go over to the com the chair that my kombucha is in so that I

chair that my kombucha is in so that I

chair that my kombucha is in so that I can drink

can drink

can drink kombucha. I love

kombucha.

kombucha. Mama, sorry, I don't know why I said

Mama, sorry, I don't know why I said

Mama, sorry, I don't know why I said that. That's kind of weird and

that. That's kind of weird and

that. That's kind of weird and uncomfortable.

Um, so we did sort of start to to talk

Um, so we did sort of start to to talk and and

embarrassed cuz I couldn't even say her

embarrassed cuz I couldn't even say her name to people cuz I would tell my

name to people cuz I would tell my

name to people cuz I would tell my friends like, "Oh my gosh, I met this

friends like, "Oh my gosh, I met this

friends like, "Oh my gosh, I met this person in my creative writing class that

person in my creative writing class that

person in my creative writing class that was

was

was so just just shattered my world and I

so just just shattered my world and I

so just just shattered my world and I haven't even spoken to her yet. You

haven't even spoken to her yet. You

haven't even spoken to her yet. You know, I couldn't bring myself to say,

know, I couldn't bring myself to say,

know, I couldn't bring myself to say, "Yeah, her name is Becca."

"Yeah, her name is Becca."

"Yeah, her name is Becca." So, my code name would be creative

So, my code name would be creative

So, my code name would be creative writing

girl, which is just funny to think

girl, which is just funny to think like why why was I afraid to I guess if

like why why was I afraid to I guess if

like why why was I afraid to I guess if I I felt like if I spoke her name that

I I felt like if I spoke her name that

I I felt like if I spoke her name that would make it more real and I was really

would make it more real and I was really

would make it more real and I was really trying to like not give

trying to like not give

trying to like not give in, not

in, not

in, not indulge because it felt like the more I

indulge because it felt like the more I

indulge because it felt like the more I indulged in the betrayal, the more it

indulged in the betrayal, the more it

indulged in the betrayal, the more it became a betrayal.

Oh

Oh man.

man.

man. Um, and nothing happened. I didn't do

anything. We both sort of got over

anything. We both sort of got over it. Um, I now realize, like I said, in

it. Um, I now realize, like I said, in

it. Um, I now realize, like I said, in retrospect, she probably was just as

retrospect, she probably was just as

retrospect, she probably was just as interested.

interested.

interested. Well, I know she was because eventually

Well, I know she was because eventually

Well, I know she was because eventually we would start dating and move in

we would start dating and move in

we would start dating and move in together. But but you know, at the time

together. But but you know, at the time

together. But but you know, at the time life moved on and and um that

life moved on and and um that

life moved on and and um that relationship that I was in ended for

relationship that I was in ended for

relationship that I was in ended for totally unrelated

totally unrelated

totally unrelated reason. Um and I continued to be friends

reason. Um and I continued to be friends

reason. Um and I continued to be friends with

with

with Brian, you know, for for the same as

Brian, you know, for for the same as

Brian, you know, for for the same as always.

always.

always. I never told him about her because it

I never told him about her because it

I never told him about her because it was almost like and I don't know

why I'm weird about sort of like certain

why I'm weird about sort of like certain friends I

friends I

friends I think it's like people who don't like

think it's like people who don't like

think it's like people who don't like their foods touching on their plate

their foods touching on their plate

their foods touching on their plate certain friends are in

certain friends are in

certain friends are in certain sort of categories and I don't

certain sort of categories and I don't

certain sort of categories and I don't like them to mix you know so it would be

like them to mix you know so it would be

like them to mix you know so it would be a completely unfathomable

a completely unfathomable

a completely unfathomable for me to like have a party and invite

for me to like have a party and invite

for me to like have a party and invite to or like maybe a party's a dumb thing

to or like maybe a party's a dumb thing

to or like maybe a party's a dumb thing because the part is what this is for,

because the part is what this is for,

because the part is what this is for, but I don't know if it was like, "Hey,

but I don't know if it was like, "Hey,

but I don't know if it was like, "Hey, we're going to go to Buffalo Wild

we're going to go to Buffalo Wild

we're going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. It's three of my friends from

Wings. It's three of my friends from

Wings. It's three of my friends from this one friend group and then we're

this one friend group and then we're

this one friend group and then we're also going to invite two friends from a

also going to invite two friends from a

also going to invite two friends from a different friend group and they don't

different friend group and they don't

different friend group and they don't know each other." That to me would be

know each other." That to me would be

know each other." That to me would be nightmarish, horrible.

nightmarish, horrible.

nightmarish, horrible. Now, I just don't have any friends, so I

Now, I just don't have any friends, so I

Now, I just don't have any friends, so I don't have to ever worry about that.

don't have to ever worry about that.

don't have to ever worry about that. But, you know,

um I never told Brian

um I never told Brian about Becca. Hey, they both their both

about Becca. Hey, they both their both

about Becca. Hey, they both their both names started with B. That's funny.

dating

dating because you know I think that they had

because you know I think that they had

because you know I think that they had they were I don't know they [ __ ]

they were I don't know they [ __ ]

they were I don't know they [ __ ] played soccer or something dumb as [ __ ]

played soccer or something dumb as [ __ ]

played soccer or something dumb as [ __ ] I don't know. Can you tell I'm over

I don't know. Can you tell I'm over

I don't know. Can you tell I'm over it? No, it really didn't bother me.

Well, I [ __ ] stabbed him, so I guess

Well, I [ __ ] stabbed him, so I guess it did bother me a little bit. But but

it did bother me a little bit. But but

it did bother me a little bit. But but but at the time, you know, I did not I

but at the time, you know, I did not I

but at the time, you know, I did not I didn't think that it bothered me. Oh,

didn't think that it bothered me. Oh,

didn't think that it bothered me. Oh, Jesus

Christ. Um, sorry. It is hard to talk

Christ. Um, sorry. It is hard to talk about. I mean, you know, like I said,

about. I mean, you know, like I said,

about. I mean, you know, like I said, it's it's just because I'm the one that

it's it's just because I'm the one that

it's it's just because I'm the one that did it doesn't make it any less

did it doesn't make it any less

did it doesn't make it any less traumatizing.

Um, now keep in mind this is still a

Um, now keep in mind this is still a full

full

full year

year

year before what I just said happened

before what I just said happened

before what I just said happened happened physically.

Um they, you know, Brian was kind of a

Um they, you know, Brian was kind of a type of guy

type of guy

type of guy who really just went through girls like

who really just went through girls like

who really just went through girls like tissue paper, you know, and I was kind

tissue paper, you know, and I was kind

tissue paper, you know, and I was kind of the opposite. I was playing the long

of the opposite. I was playing the long

of the opposite. I was playing the long game, you know, so most of my

game, you know, so most of my

game, you know, so most of my relationships were like years long. And

relationships were like years long. And

relationships were like years long. And he was sort of he he was like one time I

he was sort of he he was like one time I

he was sort of he he was like one time I think he he was in a relationship with a

think he he was in a relationship with a

think he he was in a relationship with a girl for a week date like like fully

girl for a week date like like fully

girl for a week date like like fully girlfriend one

girlfriend one

girlfriend one week I think as long as was maybe a

week I think as long as was maybe a

week I think as long as was maybe a month. Some people just are sprinters

month. Some people just are sprinters

month. Some people just are sprinters and some people are marathon

and some people are marathon

and some people are marathon runners.

Um, but they they you know, I

Um, but they they you know, I mean, at the time me and Brian lived

together and so she would come over and

together and so she would come over and and you know, we would all hang

and you know, we would all hang

and you know, we would all hang out, the three of us.

out, the three of us.

out, the three of us. Um, and I thought

Um, and I thought

Um, and I thought that it was like, well, this was a girl

that it was like, well, this was a girl

that it was like, well, this was a girl I had a crush on for for I don't know,

I had a crush on for for I don't know,

I had a crush on for for I don't know, maybe a couple couple months, but that's

maybe a couple couple months, but that's

maybe a couple couple months, but that's it. It's over, you

Um, and we were all very good friends,

Um, and we were all very good friends, you know.

Uh it was interesting

Uh it was interesting because I never really

because I never really

because I never really ever even once considered

ever even once considered

ever even once considered that like if you had asked me

that like if you had asked me

that like if you had asked me then do you want to be in a polyamorous

then do you want to be in a polyamorous

then do you want to be in a polyamorous relationship the three of you I would

relationship the three of you I would

relationship the three of you I would have laughed in your face.

have laughed in your face.

have laughed in your face. because that just

because that just

because that just never Now, I'm not trying to say

never Now, I'm not trying to say

never Now, I'm not trying to say anything about people who are poly

anything about people who are poly

anything about people who are poly because I'm sure some people can. Well,

because I'm sure some people can. Well,

because I'm sure some people can. Well, I don't know. Honestly, I don't know.

I don't know. Honestly, I don't know.

I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. But it doesn't matter what I think. If

But it doesn't matter what I think. If

But it doesn't matter what I think. If you want to do that, fine. Go ahead. I

you want to do that, fine. Go ahead. I

you want to do that, fine. Go ahead. I can't do that

can't do that

can't do that clearly.

clearly.

clearly. Um, but it was just one of those things

Um, but it was just one of those things

Um, but it was just one of those things that, you know, sort of just happened.

that, you know, sort of just happened.

that, you know, sort of just happened. feel like a lot of things when it comes

feel like a lot of things when it comes

feel like a lot of things when it comes to your

to your

to your heart end up there's an inevitability to

heart end up there's an inevitability to

heart end up there's an inevitability to them, you

Um, so if I had known but but but again

Um, so if I had known but but but again there was no possible way I could have

there was no possible way I could have

there was no possible way I could have known.

I need a reup. I need a I need a reboot.

I need a reup. I need a I need a reboot. Rebooch. And that's pretty

Rebooch. And that's pretty

Rebooch. And that's pretty good. BCH. Re

man. I don't know if me and Brian's

man. I don't know if me and Brian's parents are going to get together

parents are going to get together

parents are going to get together tonight.

tonight.

tonight. I go to bed pretty early here. I'll show

I go to bed pretty early here. I'll show

I go to bed pretty early here. I'll show you. Pour that. Good pour

here.

here. Um, so I don't know, but I know that

Um, so I don't know, but I know that

Um, so I don't know, but I know that tomorrow I think we're going to try to

tomorrow I think we're going to try to

tomorrow I think we're going to try to go to a botanical

It is. I

It is. I mean, the funny thing is that it's

mean, the funny thing is that it's

mean, the funny thing is that it's really not awkward between

really not awkward between

really not awkward between us. It is completely

effortless. A lot of times I know that I

effortless. A lot of times I know that I feel sort of sort of awkward with

feel sort of sort of awkward with

feel sort of sort of awkward with with, you know, if I have a friend in

with, you know, if I have a friend in

with, you know, if I have a friend in town or something and I'm always like

town or something and I'm always like

town or something and I'm always like always like, "What the hell are we going

always like, "What the hell are we going

always like, "What the hell are we going to do the whole time?" you know, because

to do the whole time?" you know, because

to do the whole time?" you know, because that's a long if somebody's in town for

that's a long if somebody's in town for

that's a long if somebody's in town for like three days, that's a very long

like three days, that's a very long

like three days, that's a very long time. That's a lot of time you got to

time. That's a lot of time you got to

time. That's a lot of time you got to fill. So that's why I sort of like to

fill. So that's why I sort of like to

fill. So that's why I sort of like to sort of, you know, my worst nightmare is

sort of, you know, my worst nightmare is

sort of, you know, my worst nightmare is just sitting around having nothing to

just sitting around having nothing to

just sitting around having nothing to do. So that's why I say, "Okay, we're

do. So that's why I say, "Okay, we're

do. So that's why I say, "Okay, we're going to drive everywhere. We're going

going to drive everywhere. We're going

going to drive everywhere. We're going to do

to do

to do everything." I don't know

everything." I don't know

everything." I don't know why.

Um, so I think we've been texting. I

Um, so I think we've been texting. I think tomorrow probably we're going to

think tomorrow probably we're going to

think tomorrow probably we're going to we're going to get breakfast even though

we're going to get breakfast even though

we're going to get breakfast even though I don't like eating

I don't like eating

I don't like eating breakfast.

breakfast.

breakfast. Um, and then go to a Who cares. It

Um, and then go to a Who cares. It

Um, and then go to a Who cares. It doesn't matter. You guys don't care

doesn't matter. You guys don't care

doesn't matter. You guys don't care about

this. I feel so f Sorry, I'm looking at

this. I feel so f Sorry, I'm looking at myself in the viewfinder in the mirror.

myself in the viewfinder in the mirror.

myself in the viewfinder in the mirror. I feel so funny wearing a robe.

I feel like uh the uh the the supreme

I feel like uh the uh the the supreme gentleman. I think he was a school

gentleman. I think he was a school

gentleman. I think he was a school shooter. I think that was the nickname

shooter. I think that was the nickname

shooter. I think that was the nickname for it. Elliot

Roger. I don't know if you guys can hear

Roger. I don't know if you guys can hear this in the microphone, but I got a room

this in the microphone, but I got a room

this in the microphone, but I got a room that's I have a

that's I have a

that's I have a patio and the room is overlooking the

patio and the room is overlooking the

patio and the room is overlooking the um here. I'll show you that a little

um here. I'll show you that a little

um here. I'll show you that a little bit.

overlooks. There's sort of a courtyard

overlooks. There's sort of a courtyard here that the room overlooks and it's in

here that the room overlooks and it's in

here that the room overlooks and it's in like

like

like a

a

a solarium for some reason. I don't know

solarium for some reason. I don't know

solarium for some reason. I don't know why. I wish I had gotten a room that was

why. I wish I had gotten a room that was

why. I wish I had gotten a room that was by those palm

by those palm

by those palm trees. There's nobody

trees. There's nobody

trees. There's nobody here. That's the other weird thing.

here. That's the other weird thing.

here. That's the other weird thing. They're like, there's nobody here. I

They're like, there's nobody here. I

They're like, there's nobody here. I think I might be the only person who's

think I might be the only person who's

think I might be the only person who's staying in this

hotel. What time is it? Is it dinner

hotel. What time is it? Is it dinner time? Cuz if it's dinner time, that's

time? Cuz if it's dinner time, that's

time? Cuz if it's dinner time, that's that's a that's a problem. They might be

that's a that's a problem. They might be

that's a that's a problem. They might be going out of business.

Um, man. Oh,

Um, man. Oh, man. Okay.

So, like I said, sometimes you just are

So, like I said, sometimes you just are in a bus. That's a bad metaphor to use

in a bus. That's a bad metaphor to use

in a bus. That's a bad metaphor to use because a bus could break at any time.

because a bus could break at any time.

because a bus could break at any time. Or maybe that's why it's a good metaphor

Or maybe that's why it's a good metaphor

Or maybe that's why it's a good metaphor to

use. You know, sometimes you just see

use. You know, sometimes you just see the

the

the wall, the brick

wall, the brick

wall, the brick wall, and you're floating towards it

wall, and you're floating towards it

wall, and you're floating towards it like

like

like this, but you

So, they would come over and and I I

So, they would come over and and I I didn't think that I was in love with

didn't think that I was in love with

didn't think that I was in love with her, so to speak.

her, so to speak.

her, so to speak. But she's hot, you

But she's hot, you

But she's hot, you know.

know.

know. Um, and certain things would start to

Um, and certain things would start to

Um, and certain things would start to happen, you know, because at that age

happen, you know, because at that age

happen, you know, because at that age also, you're very sexually sort of open

also, you're very sexually sort of open

also, you're very sexually sort of open too, you know. So,

too, you know. So,

too, you know. So, so I think that I have a little bit of a

so I think that I have a little bit of a

so I think that I have a little bit of a uh a a voyer

uh a a voyer

uh a a voyer fetish because I like to I think because

fetish because I like to I think because

fetish because I like to I think because I'm sort of like a uh you

know somebody who is is trying to

know somebody who is is trying to construct these sorts of things looking

construct these sorts of things looking

construct these sorts of things looking from the outside in. I sort of like to I

from the outside in. I sort of like to I

from the outside in. I sort of like to I like to watch, you

know,

know, so I probably had mentioned that as a

so I probably had mentioned that as a

so I probably had mentioned that as a joke a few

times.

times. Um,

Um,

Um, and the walls were very, very thin in

and the walls were very, very thin in

and the walls were very, very thin in that apartment. I guess it was a house.

that apartment. I guess it was a house.

that apartment. I guess it was a house. We had the bottom floor

valve, so I'd be able to hear them all

valve, so I'd be able to hear them all the time, you know, doing their

Um, it was

Um, it was nice, you know, I

mean, and I would tell them like, "Oh, I

mean, and I would tell them like, "Oh, I could hear you guys last night. It

could hear you guys last night. It

could hear you guys last night. It seemed like you guys were really

seemed like you guys were really

seemed like you guys were really getting seemed like it was really

um going

um going well, you know, and they'd be like, "Oh,

well, you know, and they'd be like, "Oh,

well, you know, and they'd be like, "Oh, you know, I'm so sorry." But I'd be

you know, I'm so sorry." But I'd be

you know, I'm so sorry." But I'd be like, "No, don't apologize. Do not you

like, "No, don't apologize. Do not you

like, "No, don't apologize. Do not you do never you never have to apologize for

do never you never have to apologize for

do never you never have to apologize for that. Trust me."

know, it just was, it was a gradual

know, it just was, it was a gradual thing, you know, until it wasn't

thing, you know, until it wasn't

thing, you know, until it wasn't um trying to find a good place to put

um trying to find a good place to put

um trying to find a good place to put this

this

this camera. It was a gradual thing until it

camera. It was a gradual thing until it

camera. It was a gradual thing until it wasn't.

in and at this point I drank all the

in and at this point I drank all the time.

time.

time. a

a

a lot, but everybody does at that age, you

lot, but everybody does at that age, you

lot, but everybody does at that age, you know? I mean, it's like, why wouldn't

know? I mean, it's like, why wouldn't

know? I mean, it's like, why wouldn't you? And that's my advice to to people

you? And that's my advice to to people

you? And that's my advice to to people who, you know, if you're young, if you

who, you know, if you're young, if you

who, you know, if you're young, if you just turned 21, drink all the time

just turned 21, drink all the time

just turned 21, drink all the time because you're not going to be able to

because you're not going to be able to

because you're not going to be able to do that forever. At a certain point, you

do that forever. At a certain point, you

do that forever. At a certain point, you get to an age where it's not cute

get to an age where it's not cute

get to an age where it's not cute anymore and you have to stop and you

anymore and you have to stop and you

anymore and you have to stop and you have to live your

have to live your

have to live your life. So, enjoy it while you can.

I am really glad that I spent those

I am really glad that I spent those years of my life drinking heavily and

years of my life drinking heavily and

years of my life drinking heavily and doing every drug I could possibly get my

doing every drug I could possibly get my

doing every drug I could possibly get my hands on because now I can't and that's

hands on because now I can't and that's

hands on because now I can't and that's fine, you

fine, you

fine, you know. But it was a time in my life that

know. But it was a time in my life that

know. But it was a time in my life that I am leaving

behind. So, of course, I uh You're

behind. So, of course, I uh You're snowed in. What else are you going to

snowed in. What else are you going to

snowed in. What else are you going to do?

do?

do? started

started

started drinking. We all

drinking. We all

drinking. We all did. And

uh I actually, now that I think about

uh I actually, now that I think about it, I can't remember how it how it

it, I can't remember how it how it

it, I can't remember how it how it initiated. I can't remember how it, you

initiated. I can't remember how it, you

initiated. I can't remember how it, you know, what was the first thing that

know, what was the first thing that

know, what was the first thing that somebody said that was like, "Hey, do

somebody said that was like, "Hey, do

somebody said that was like, "Hey, do you want to you

you want to you

you want to you know, I can't remember.

know, I can't remember.

know, I can't remember. Oh, you know what I think it was? I

Oh, you know what I think it was? I

Oh, you know what I think it was? I think it was one of those

think it was one of those

think it was one of those stupid, you know, those like sexy board

stupid, you know, those like sexy board

stupid, you know, those like sexy board games. I think it was one of

games. I think it was one of

games. I think it was one of those. Anyway, it doesn't really matter.

those. Anyway, it doesn't really matter.

those. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. The point

The point

The point is we started uh Well, I'll tell you

is we started uh Well, I'll tell you

is we started uh Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to use

what I'm going to do. I'm going to use

what I'm going to do. I'm going to use the restroom. See you later.

You

You know, these were good

know, these were good

know, these were good times. Rem reminiscing on them

times. Rem reminiscing on them

times. Rem reminiscing on them uh has just sort

uh has just sort

uh has just sort of I don't know. My life is so boring

of I don't know. My life is so boring

of I don't know. My life is so boring now.

back then it was like every day was a

back then it was like every day was a was a like oh what's going to happen

was a like oh what's going to happen

was a like oh what's going to happen today you know felt like I did so many

today you know felt like I did so many

today you know felt like I did so many things and then now I don't do a [ __ ]

things and then now I don't do a [ __ ]

things and then now I don't do a [ __ ] godamn

thing and I remember I thought that that

thing and I remember I thought that that was because of the

was because of the

was because of the pandemic you know I was like man I need

pandemic you know I was like man I need

pandemic you know I was like man I need to get back to the way that I used to

to get back to the way that I used to

to get back to the way that I used to be so I started trying to do more

be so I started trying to do more

be so I started trying to do more things. Um, and then I realized that I

things. Um, and then I realized that I

things. Um, and then I realized that I didn't like it. And I think it was just

didn't like it. And I think it was just

didn't like it. And I think it was just I don't know if it's maybe because

I don't know if it's maybe because

I don't know if it's maybe because like I got addicted

like I got addicted

like I got addicted to Sorry, I'm I'm I've been texting with

to Sorry, I'm I'm I've been texting with

to Sorry, I'm I'm I've been texting with Brian's parents to see

Brian's parents to see

Brian's parents to see if to see if we're going to get dinner.

if to see if we're going to get dinner.

if to see if we're going to get dinner. I don't know. I I just don't

I don't know. I I just don't

I don't know. I I just don't [Applause]

um So, I guess that's just a normal

um So, I guess that's just a normal either either it's a normal part of

either either it's a normal part of

either either it's a normal part of growing up, getting

growing up, getting

growing up, getting older,

older,

older, or you get into a routine. It's like

or you get into a routine. It's like

or you get into a routine. It's like I've I got addicted to doing

I've I got addicted to doing

I've I got addicted to doing nothing. So maybe I need to just like

nothing. So maybe I need to just like

nothing. So maybe I need to just like stretch my muscles a little bit more. I

stretch my muscles a little bit more. I

stretch my muscles a little bit more. I don't

Um yeah. So we started

Um yeah. So we started I I can't probably get into the

I I can't probably get into the

I I can't probably get into the specifics of the of the of the uh trrist

specifics of the of the of the uh trrist

specifics of the of the of the uh trrist the the what do they call it?

the the what do they call it?

the the what do they call it? Managatu. Um because also it didn't

Managatu. Um because also it didn't

Managatu. Um because also it didn't really happen. It didn't happen that

really happen. It didn't happen that

really happen. It didn't happen that night at least to that extent to the

night at least to that extent to the

night at least to that extent to the extent that I would call it. I mean I

extent that I would call it. I mean I

extent that I would call it. I mean I call it we eventually would do that but

call it we eventually would do that but

call it we eventually would do that but but at that point it was it was I just

but at that point it was it was I just

but at that point it was it was I just couldn't imagine. I was just like oh my

couldn't imagine. I was just like oh my

couldn't imagine. I was just like oh my gosh. Now I will also say that I had

gosh. Now I will also say that I had

gosh. Now I will also say that I had less to lose in that situation because

less to lose in that situation because

less to lose in that situation because you know I was just some guy. I was a

you know I was just some guy. I was a

you know I was just some guy. I was a free agent. I think that, you know, in

free agent. I think that, you know, in

free agent. I think that, you know, in Brian's

Brian's

Brian's position, I totally understand why he

position, I totally understand why he

position, I totally understand why he was not okay with

was not okay with

was not okay with it and put a stop to

it and put a stop to

it and put a stop to it.

it.

it. Um, you know, but but there was really

Um, you know, but but there was really

Um, you know, but but there was really no going back from that.

And once that was pretty that was

And once that was pretty that was graduation came pretty

graduation came pretty

graduation came pretty pretty soon after

pretty soon after

pretty soon after that.

and we me and Brian said that we would

and we me and Brian said that we would like to continue living together. So, we

like to continue living together. So, we

like to continue living together. So, we renewed our lease and our third roommate

renewed our lease and our third roommate

renewed our lease and our third roommate was moving

was moving

was moving out and he said,

"Um, wouldn't it be fun

"Um, wouldn't it be fun if because me and Becca were were

if because me and Becca were were

if because me and Becca were were thinking about moving in

thinking about moving in

thinking about moving in together? Um, but I also still want to

together? Um, but I also still want to

together? Um, but I also still want to live with you. So, wouldn't it be

live with you. So, wouldn't it be

live with you. So, wouldn't it be fun if the three of us lived

fun if the three of us lived

fun if the three of us lived together? And she joined us sort of as a

together? And she joined us sort of as a

together? And she joined us sort of as a as a third roommate, you

as a third roommate, you

as a third roommate, you know?

know?

know? And like I said, I hardly had a damn

And like I said, I hardly had a damn

And like I said, I hardly had a damn thing

thing

thing to man. I don't understand why. It's

to man. I don't understand why. It's

to man. I don't understand why. It's like my [ __ ]

like my [ __ ]

like my [ __ ] phone is just a brick that people in

phone is just a brick that people in

phone is just a brick that people in Indonesia use to try to scam me. There's

Indonesia use to try to scam me. There's

Indonesia use to try to scam me. There's no I hardly ever get a phone call from

no I hardly ever get a phone call from

no I hardly ever get a phone call from somebody who I actually want to get a

somebody who I actually want to get a

somebody who I actually want to get a phone call from. And that's also partly

phone call from. And that's also partly

phone call from. And that's also partly because I don't ever want to get a phone

because I don't ever want to get a phone

because I don't ever want to get a phone call ever.

Um, man, I'm really the the robe is kind

Um, man, I'm really the the robe is kind of Sorry. I didn't realize I was getting

of Sorry. I didn't realize I was getting

of Sorry. I didn't realize I was getting so the robe was getting so

revealing. I don't even know why I'm

revealing. I don't even know why I'm wearing this to be honest. This is

wearing this to be honest. This is

wearing this to be honest. This is [ __ ]

[ __ ]

[ __ ] stupid. I don't even like robes. This

stupid. I don't even like robes. This

stupid. I don't even like robes. This feels

feels

feels uncomfortable. But I'm just trying to

uncomfortable. But I'm just trying to

uncomfortable. But I'm just trying to enjoy myself. I'm just trying to [ __ ]

enjoy myself. I'm just trying to [ __ ]

enjoy myself. I'm just trying to [ __ ] enjoy myself. Is that so wrong? What is

enjoy myself. Is that so wrong? What is

enjoy myself. Is that so wrong? What is that? [ __ ] crime. You know why? I

that? [ __ ] crime. You know why? I

that? [ __ ] crime. You know why? I don't understand why it's

like

like God. Anyway, sorry. Freaking

God. Anyway, sorry. Freaking

God. Anyway, sorry. Freaking out.

Um I was going to show you the bathroom.

Um I was going to show you the bathroom. There's be to be totally frank with you,

There's be to be totally frank with you,

There's be to be totally frank with you, there's really nothing that remarkable

there's really nothing that remarkable

there's really nothing that remarkable about

about

about it. This looks like a nice shower,

it. This looks like a nice shower,

it. This looks like a nice shower, actually. All

actually. All

actually. All right. Nice shower, I

situation. Um, so I was like, "Yeah, of

situation. Um, so I was like, "Yeah, of course, sure." who, you know, that

course, sure." who, you know, that

course, sure." who, you know, that sounds great for me, you know.

sounds great for me, you know.

sounds great for me, you know. Um, now I'll admit at this

Um, now I'll admit at this

Um, now I'll admit at this point, at this point, I was starting to

point, at this point, I was starting to

point, at this point, I was starting to realize that that there were still

realize that that there were still

realize that that there were still feelings I had for

feelings I had for

feelings I had for Becca. I don't think they ever left, but

Becca. I don't think they ever left, but

Becca. I don't think they ever left, but I just think I didn't I was not aware of

I just think I didn't I was not aware of

I just think I didn't I was not aware of it. I wasn't consciously picking up on

it. I wasn't consciously picking up on

it. I wasn't consciously picking up on that.

um you

um you know so she moved in and became the

know so she moved in and became the

know so she moved in and became the third roommate and it was I'll be honest

third roommate and it was I'll be honest

third roommate and it was I'll be honest with

with

with you that that beginning

you that that beginning

you that that beginning portion was the best phase of my entire

portion was the best phase of my entire

portion was the best phase of my entire life. That's the most fun I've ever had.

life. That's the most fun I've ever had.

life. That's the most fun I've ever had. That's the most that I've ever looked

That's the most that I've ever looked

That's the most that I've ever looked forward to coming home. You

forward to coming home. You

forward to coming home. You know, it just felt like every day was a

know, it just felt like every day was a

know, it just felt like every day was a party. It felt like every day was like I

party. It felt like every day was like I

party. It felt like every day was like I was with my best friends in the whole

world. Every day I was with the people

world. Every day I was with the people who I was the most

happy and it was

happy and it was great because I'm sort of an introverted

great because I'm sort of an introverted

great because I'm sort of an introverted person. So I get very exhausted by

person. So I get very exhausted by

person. So I get very exhausted by people and it's very it's a very special

people and it's very it's a very special

people and it's very it's a very special thing when I meet somebody who does not

thing when I meet somebody who does not

thing when I meet somebody who does not exhaust me you know and it doesn't even

exhaust me you know and it doesn't even

exhaust me you know and it doesn't even follow a real a

follow a real a

follow a real a logic it's

logic it's

logic it's like there are some

like there are some

like there are some people who I love very much but they

people who I love very much but they

people who I love very much but they drain

drain

drain me and there are some people who I could

me and there are some people who I could

me and there are some people who I could I could be with every moment of every

I could be with every moment of every

I could be with every moment of every day till the rest of my

people. And I was so

people. And I was so happy. I used to come home from work,

happy. I used to come home from work,

happy. I used to come home from work, I'd be so happy. if one of them ever had

I'd be so happy. if one of them ever had

I'd be so happy. if one of them ever had to do something, you know, and they

to do something, you know, and they

to do something, you know, and they weren't gonna be home or god forbid

weren't gonna be home or god forbid

weren't gonna be home or god forbid because sometimes they would both like

because sometimes they would both like

because sometimes they would both like go on a date night or something and I'd

go on a date night or something and I'd

go on a date night or something and I'd be so

Um, I think it probably goes without

Um, I think it probably goes without saying that

saying that

saying that that I know for sure I was drinking a

that I know for sure I was drinking a

that I know for sure I was drinking a lot and I was also at this point

lot and I was also at this point

lot and I was also at this point starting to get a little bit more

starting to get a little bit more

starting to get a little bit more experimental

experimental

experimental with with the types of drugs that I was

with with the types of drugs that I was

with with the types of drugs that I was doing, you know it's such a such a

doing, you know it's such a such a

doing, you know it's such a such a cliche thing to say that that marijuana

cliche thing to say that that marijuana

cliche thing to say that that marijuana is a gateway drug, but honestly it

is a gateway drug, but honestly it

is a gateway drug, but honestly it is. You got me

is. You got me

is. You got me there. I don't think I think that was

there. I don't think I think that was

there. I don't think I think that was just like the the one that that I said,

just like the the one that that I said,

just like the the one that that I said, "Oh, my brain I can be conscious in a

"Oh, my brain I can be conscious in a

"Oh, my brain I can be conscious in a different way. Bring it on." You know?

different way. Bring it on." You know?

different way. Bring it on." You know? Um so I started to seek out these other

Um so I started to seek out these other

Um so I started to seek out these other experiences and opportunities

And Brian also would see me doing that

And Brian also would see me doing that kind of stuff. And I think and I think

kind of stuff. And I think and I think

kind of stuff. And I think and I think was

was

was interested Becca never really seemed to

interested Becca never really seemed to

interested Becca never really seemed to be she just wasn't as into that stuff. I

be she just wasn't as into that stuff. I

be she just wasn't as into that stuff. I think partly it was because I know she

think partly it was because I know she

think partly it was because I know she was on medication where she said things

was on medication where she said things

was on medication where she said things like, you know, certain things wouldn't

like, you know, certain things wouldn't

like, you know, certain things wouldn't work for her. certain psychedelics

work for her. certain psychedelics

work for her. certain psychedelics wouldn't wouldn't do

wouldn't wouldn't do

wouldn't wouldn't do anything. But it was okay because it was

anything. But it was okay because it was

anything. But it was okay because it was like good that we always sort of had

like good that we always sort of had

like good that we always sort of had somebody who would be normal at any at

somebody who would be normal at any at

somebody who would be normal at any at all

all

all times. Sort of our

times. Sort of our

times. Sort of our mommy.

uh, you know, like I said, the first

uh, you know, like I said, the first thing that that Brian wanted to start

thing that that Brian wanted to start

thing that that Brian wanted to start doing was was

doing was was

doing was was marijuana, which he had never

marijuana, which he had never

marijuana, which he had never really I think he had, but but but I

really I think he had, but but but I

really I think he had, but but but I would always be so like emphatic about

would always be so like emphatic about

would always be so like emphatic about how beautiful my experiences with it her

how beautiful my experiences with it her

how beautiful my experiences with it her and he'd be like, "Oh my gosh, I want

and he'd be like, "Oh my gosh, I want

and he'd be like, "Oh my gosh, I want to," you know, and I had another friend

to," you know, and I had another friend

to," you know, and I had another friend where that happened, too. You know, I

where that happened, too. You know, I

where that happened, too. You know, I would say like, "Oh my gosh, these these

would say like, "Oh my gosh, these these

would say like, "Oh my gosh, these these experiences that I'm having on these

experiences that I'm having on these

experiences that I'm having on these drugs are so incredible." And I would

drugs are so incredible." And I would

drugs are so incredible." And I would describe the things that happened and

describe the things that happened and

describe the things that happened and then and then they would try it and be

then and then they would try it and be

then and then they would try it and be like, "I didn't have anywhere even close

like, "I didn't have anywhere even close

like, "I didn't have anywhere even close to that experience, you know?" And I was

to that experience, you know?" And I was

to that experience, you know?" And I was like, "I think that might just be

like, "I think that might just be

like, "I think that might just be because you're boring.

because you're boring.

because you're boring. I think that you just don't have the

I think that you just don't have the

I think that you just don't have the wealth of interiority that I

wealth of interiority that I

wealth of interiority that I have.

Um

Um Oh, but but but Brian did really enjoy a

Oh, but but but Brian did really enjoy a

Oh, but but but Brian did really enjoy a lot of this stuff, you know, being sort

lot of this stuff, you know, being sort

lot of this stuff, you know, being sort of in an altered state of consciousness.

of in an altered state of consciousness.

of in an altered state of consciousness. And so eventually, you

And so eventually, you

And so eventually, you know, we got to the point. Now, it's

know, we got to the point. Now, it's

know, we got to the point. Now, it's interesting again to think about if

interesting again to think about if

interesting again to think about if drugs and alcohol had never been

drugs and alcohol had never been

drugs and alcohol had never been involved in this at

involved in this at

involved in this at all, how might it have played out

all, how might it have played out

all, how might it have played out differently? But also, I don't think

differently? But also, I don't think

differently? But also, I don't think that there ever was a way that any of

that there ever was a way that any of

that there ever was a way that any of this could have happened without them.

It's just that that's just not what

It's just that that's just not what happened.

happened.

happened. Um so I started to I think the first

Um so I started to I think the first

Um so I started to I think the first night that

night that

night that we they started to say not they both of

we they started to say not they both of

we they started to say not they both of them but I know that Becca did have a

them but I know that Becca did have a

them but I know that Becca did have a little bit of an interest as well. she

little bit of an interest as well. she

little bit of an interest as well. she just seemed interested in, you know, cuz

just seemed interested in, you know, cuz

just seemed interested in, you know, cuz I think similarly we we were both

I think similarly we we were both

I think similarly we we were both artists. So, so I think that that she

artists. So, so I think that that she

artists. So, so I think that that she had an interest in in, you know, I mean,

had an interest in in, you know, I mean,

had an interest in in, you know, I mean, who doesn't want to get to know

who doesn't want to get to know

who doesn't want to get to know themselves? Who doesn't want to have

themselves? Who doesn't want to have

themselves? Who doesn't want to have beautiful experiences that that enhance

beautiful experiences that that enhance

beautiful experiences that that enhance their creative process? But also, I

their creative process? But also, I

their creative process? But also, I don't think anyway, I I it's it's a

don't think anyway, I I it's it's a

don't think anyway, I I it's it's a complicated subject. I don't think that

complicated subject. I don't think that

complicated subject. I don't think that that I don't think that you have that

that I don't think that you have that

that I don't think that you have that you get any experiences on drugs that

you get any experiences on drugs that

you get any experiences on drugs that are because solely of the drugs. I think

are because solely of the drugs. I think

are because solely of the drugs. I think that anything you experience because of

that anything you experience because of

that anything you experience because of drugs is already inside

drugs is already inside

drugs is already inside you and you're just accessing it with

you and you're just accessing it with

you and you're just accessing it with the

the

the tools. You know, I don't think that

um I don't know. I remember thinking

um I don't know. I remember thinking there was a bunch of movies like where I

there was a bunch of movies like where I

there was a bunch of movies like where I would watch a movie high because I'd be

would watch a movie high because I'd be

would watch a movie high because I'd be like, "Oh my god, the movie is going to

like, "Oh my god, the movie is going to

like, "Oh my god, the movie is going to be so much better." And I would just

be so much better." And I would just

be so much better." And I would just love the movie. I'd be like, you

love the movie. I'd be like, you

love the movie. I'd be like, you know, and then as an adult, I started to

know, and then as an adult, I started to

know, and then as an adult, I started to rewatch those movies and I realized I

rewatch those movies and I realized I

rewatch those movies and I realized I think it was just a good movie. I don't

think it was just a good movie. I don't

think it was just a good movie. I don't think it had anything to do with, you

think it had anything to do with, you

think it had anything to do with, you know, I think I think the drugs were

know, I think I think the drugs were

know, I think I think the drugs were allowing me to access an enjoyment of it

allowing me to access an enjoyment of it

allowing me to access an enjoyment of it that I that I didn't realize was

that I that I didn't realize was

that I that I didn't realize was just, you know,

just, you know,

just, you know, anyway.

Um, so I don't I'm concerned about

Um, so I don't I'm concerned about naming the specific drugs

naming the specific drugs

naming the specific drugs um because I don't know what the

um because I don't know what the

um because I don't know what the community guidelines how they feel about

community guidelines how they feel about

community guidelines how they feel about that. So, I'll just say there was one in

that. So, I'll just say there was one in

that. So, I'll just say there was one in particular that I started to have a lot

particular that I started to have a lot

particular that I started to have a lot of very good experiences with that I

of very good experiences with that I

of very good experiences with that I started to really

started to really

started to really enjoy that was a psychoactive drug that

enjoy that was a psychoactive drug that

enjoy that was a psychoactive drug that lasted for a very long

lasted for a very long

lasted for a very long time. Um, and I would not even

time. Um, and I would not even

time. Um, and I would not even necessarily I mean I say good

necessarily I mean I say good

necessarily I mean I say good experience. I don't know if I would say

experience. I don't know if I would say

experience. I don't know if I would say that it was good. I don't know if that's

that it was good. I don't know if that's

that it was good. I don't know if that's exactly the word I would use. I would

exactly the word I would use. I would

exactly the word I would use. I would say it was profound. I think it was

say it was profound. I think it was

say it was profound. I think it was beautiful, you know, but I hate people

beautiful, you know, but I hate people

beautiful, you know, but I hate people who are sort of like, oh, you you know,

who are sort of like, oh, you you know,

who are sort of like, oh, you you know, you gota, like I said, I just I don't I

you gota, like I said, I just I don't I

you gota, like I said, I just I don't I think that that they are good tools for

think that that they are good tools for

think that that they are good tools for accessing meditation and and things that

accessing meditation and and things that

accessing meditation and and things that that you can, you know, doing inner work

that you can, you know, doing inner work

that you can, you know, doing inner work that I think is very special. It's

that I think is very special. It's

that I think is very special. It's almost like it allows you to sort of pop

almost like it allows you to sort of pop

almost like it allows you to sort of pop the hood and go right in there, sort of

the hood and go right in there, sort of

the hood and go right in there, sort of play

play

play around. Now, I am not I don't know if

around. Now, I am not I don't know if

around. Now, I am not I don't know if YouTube is going to not like that. And

YouTube is going to not like that. And

YouTube is going to not like that. And I'm saying that I'm not saying that, you

I'm saying that I'm not saying that, you

I'm saying that I'm not saying that, you know, let me just be clear that all I

know, let me just be clear that all I

know, let me just be clear that all I would encourage people to do is whatever

would encourage people to do is whatever

would encourage people to do is whatever they feel comfortable

with. Drinking this makes me feel like

with. Drinking this makes me feel like I'm

drinking, which I guess is good. I

drinking, which I guess is good. I remember reading a something that was

remember reading a something that was

remember reading a something that was like crack addicts, the way that they'll

like crack addicts, the way that they'll

like crack addicts, the way that they'll sort of be rehabilitated is they'll

sort of be rehabilitated is they'll

sort of be rehabilitated is they'll um

um have them perform the ritual, the

um have them perform the ritual, the same ritual that they did when they were

same ritual that they did when they were

same ritual that they did when they were would smoke crack, only there's no

would smoke crack, only there's no

would smoke crack, only there's no crack. So it like if you do that enough

crack. So it like if you do that enough

crack. So it like if you do that enough times, then it sort of sort of

times, then it sort of sort of

times, then it sort of sort of desensitizes that ritual. It disconnects

desensitizes that ritual. It disconnects

desensitizes that ritual. It disconnects the neural

pathways. They didn't have us do that in

pathways. They didn't have us do that in rehab, but

rehab, but

rehab, but um you know, and I think I even one time

um you know, and I think I even one time

um you know, and I think I even one time asked I was like, "Hey, are you going to

asked I was like, "Hey, are you going to

asked I was like, "Hey, are you going to do the crack thing?" And they were like,

do the crack thing?" And they were like,

do the crack thing?" And they were like, "What?" I was like, "Never

"What?" I was like, "Never

"What?" I was like, "Never mind. Don't worry about it."

Um,

Um, so at first the experiences were very

so at first the experiences were very

so at first the experiences were very nice and uh I think something that I

nice and uh I think something that I

nice and uh I think something that I used to think was fun was combining, you

used to think was fun was combining, you

used to think was fun was combining, you know, psychoactive substances with

know, psychoactive substances with

know, psychoactive substances with alcohol.

Um,

Um, so the first time that Brian I think did

so the first time that Brian I think did

so the first time that Brian I think did any of

any of

any of that. Um, we had a lot of

that. Um, we had a lot of

that. Um, we had a lot of fun and the next day Becca was like,

fun and the next day Becca was like,

fun and the next day Becca was like, "You know something? I think I would

"You know something? I think I would

"You know something? I think I would like to also try

that."

that." Um, so I said, "Okay, great. Well, this

Um, so I said, "Okay, great. Well, this

Um, so I said, "Okay, great. Well, this weekend then maybe we can all we can all

weekend then maybe we can all we can all

weekend then maybe we can all we can all you

you

you know have an

know have an

know have an experience

and you know we would we we all sat in

and you know we would we we all sat in the living room and we put on you know

the living room and we put on you know

the living room and we put on you know trippy 10-hour trippy you know on the

trippy 10-hour trippy you know on the

trippy 10-hour trippy you know on the YouTube

I just kind of laid there. The thing

I just kind of laid there. The thing about these these substances is that you

about these these substances is that you

about these these substances is that you can just kind of lay there. As a matter

can just kind of lay there. As a matter

can just kind of lay there. As a matter of fact, I think that's usually what

of fact, I think that's usually what

of fact, I think that's usually what you're supposed to do, you know.

together. And I think the only reason

together. And I think the only reason why

why

why any follows this

any follows this

any follows this happened is because

happened is because

happened is because Brian will put his head on my shoulder

Brian will put his head on my shoulder

Brian will put his head on my shoulder first. If it had been the other way

first. If it had been the other way

first. If it had been the other way around, well, first of all, I never

around, well, first of all, I never

around, well, first of all, I never would have done because it was not my

would have done because it was not my

would have done because it was not my place to they were because they were the

place to they were because they were the

place to they were because they were the one who was already in a relationship.

one who was already in a relationship.

one who was already in a relationship. So, it was not my I would never have

So, it was not my I would never have

So, it was not my I would never have like lean my head on Brian's shoulder or

like lean my head on Brian's shoulder or

like lean my head on Brian's shoulder or lean my head on Becca's shoulder because

lean my head on Becca's shoulder because

lean my head on Becca's shoulder because then that's just like for me in my

then that's just like for me in my

then that's just like for me in my position to do that. No. No. And since

position to do that. No. No. And since

position to do that. No. No. And since the first time that we had had a

the first time that we had had a

the first time that we had had a manager,

manager,

manager, um Becca had been the one who initiated

um Becca had been the one who initiated

um Becca had been the one who initiated it. I think that she she was like,

it. I think that she she was like,

it. I think that she she was like, "Well, I'm certainly not going to do

"Well, I'm certainly not going to do

"Well, I'm certainly not going to do anything like that again." So I think

anything like that again." So I think

anything like that again." So I think the fact that Brian was the one who

the fact that Brian was the one who

the fact that Brian was the one who initiated it made it is the reason the

initiated it made it is the reason the

initiated it made it is the reason the sole reason why anything else

shoulder and uh and Becca thought it was

shoulder and uh and Becca thought it was cute. You

cute. You

cute. You know, she didn't get possessive or well,

know, she didn't get possessive or well,

know, she didn't get possessive or well, at least not at first.

Um, you know, it was just she was just

Um, you know, it was just she was just like, "Oh, that's so nice." And then she

like, "Oh, that's so nice." And then she

like, "Oh, that's so nice." And then she laid her head on Brian's

shoulder. And then we all said

shoulder. And then we all said like we we could

like we we could

like we we could feel our souls sort of intertwining, you

feel our souls sort of intertwining, you

feel our souls sort of intertwining, you know? We could feel this like

know? We could feel this like

know? We could feel this like energy swirling through the three of us,

energy swirling through the three of us,

energy swirling through the three of us, you

know. And uh that was a very very

know. And uh that was a very very special

special

special moment. Sorry, I'm I'm bumping the

moment. Sorry, I'm I'm bumping the

moment. Sorry, I'm I'm bumping the microphone, but my I need

microphone, but my I need

microphone, but my I need to This robe is really really keeps

to This robe is really really keeps

to This robe is really really keeps loosening.

That was a very special, very nice, very

That was a very special, very nice, very fun

fun

fun moment.

moment.

moment. Um, nothing h happened beyond that that

Um, nothing h happened beyond that that

Um, nothing h happened beyond that that time, but I think that that like I

time, but I think that that like I

time, but I think that that like I said, that was what opened the door.

Um, and I started to

Um, and I started to feel I look back on it a lot and I

feel I look back on it a lot and I

feel I look back on it a lot and I wonder I

wonder

wonder if at any point I genuinely felt the

if at any point I genuinely felt the

if at any point I genuinely felt the same type of

same type of

same type of attraction for Brian that I did towards

attraction for Brian that I did towards

attraction for Brian that I did towards Becca Or if it was that I felt so

Becca Or if it was that I felt so

Becca Or if it was that I felt so strongly towards Becca and always

strongly towards Becca and always

strongly towards Becca and always did

did

did that I convinced myself that I felt

that I convinced myself that I felt

that I convinced myself that I felt similarly about Brian because

similarly about Brian because

similarly about Brian because um I don't know maybe it was like

um I don't know maybe it was like

um I don't know maybe it was like vicariously I I because the two of them

vicariously I I because the two of them

vicariously I I because the two of them were together it was like I could

were together it was like I could

were together it was like I could convince myself that I loved Brian

convince myself that I loved Brian

convince myself that I loved Brian because

because

because because I don't know. It was just very

because I don't know. It was just very

because I don't know. It was just very very

strange. You know, if you asked me to go

strange. You know, if you asked me to go back and pinpoint any of my emotions at

back and pinpoint any of my emotions at

back and pinpoint any of my emotions at any point during any of

that, I don't think I would have been

that, I don't think I would have been able to tell you. But at the same time,

able to tell you. But at the same time,

able to tell you. But at the same time, that's also what I was what what what

that's also what I was what what what

that's also what I was what what what made the whole thing that was our whole

made the whole thing that was our whole

made the whole thing that was our whole point the whole thing, you know, because

point the whole thing, you know, because

point the whole thing, you know, because I had never at any point considered even

I had never at any point considered even

I had never at any point considered even the remote possibility that I would be

the remote possibility that I would be

the remote possibility that I would be okay with a polyamorous relationship. I

okay with a polyamorous relationship. I

okay with a polyamorous relationship. I never considered myself that type of

never considered myself that type of

never considered myself that type of person.

person.

person. But but the way that it happened

But but the way that it happened

But but the way that it happened was that we all said, "You know

was that we all said, "You know

was that we all said, "You know what? It doesn't matter that we don't

what? It doesn't matter that we don't

what? It doesn't matter that we don't know how we feel. It doesn't matter that

know how we feel. It doesn't matter that

know how we feel. It doesn't matter that we don't know what we're supposed to do

we don't know what we're supposed to do

we don't know what we're supposed to do or what the right thing to do in the

or what the right thing to do in the

or what the right thing to do in the situation is. We don't have to label it

situation is. We don't have to label it

situation is. We don't have to label it anything. All we have to do is act

anything. All we have to do is act

anything. All we have to do is act intuitively. We all care about each

intuitively. We all care about each

intuitively. We all care about each other. We make all each other

other. We make all each other

other. We make all each other happy. That's all that matters. So,

happy. That's all that matters. So,

happy. That's all that matters. So, we're not going to call ourselves, you

we're not going to call ourselves, you

we're not going to call ourselves, you know, we're poly and this is my primary

know, we're poly and this is my primary

know, we're poly and this is my primary and all this stuff words [ __ ] you

and all this stuff words [ __ ] you

and all this stuff words [ __ ] you know. Um, and you can argue that that it

know. Um, and you can argue that that it

know. Um, and you can argue that that it just eventually ended up being that way,

just eventually ended up being that way,

just eventually ended up being that way, but

but

but but you

but you

but you know, like I said, it was a gradual

know, like I said, it was a gradual

know, like I said, it was a gradual thing. And I feel like everybody, there

thing. And I feel like everybody, there

thing. And I feel like everybody, there are so many things that, you know, it's

are so many things that, you know, it's

are so many things that, you know, it's like everybody, I think, thinks they're

like everybody, I think, thinks they're

like everybody, I think, thinks they're the first person to feel any of this

the first person to feel any of this

the first person to feel any of this stuff. I know that I certainly felt that

stuff. I know that I certainly felt that

stuff. I know that I certainly felt that way. You know, there are so many things

way. You know, there are so many things

way. You know, there are so many things in my life that I was like, "Wow, I am

in my life that I was like, "Wow, I am

in my life that I was like, "Wow, I am the first person to ever feel or do any

the first person to ever feel or do any

the first person to ever feel or do any of this." And of course I'm not, you

of this." And of course I'm not, you

of this." And of course I'm not, you know, but it feels that

Let's try sitting on the

Let's try sitting on the balcony just a little bit. Let's catch

balcony just a little bit. Let's catch

balcony just a little bit. Let's catch the vibe out there.

There's somebody over

There's somebody over there. I don't want them to hear my

there. I don't want them to hear my

there. I don't want them to hear my story.

Um, I guess the point that I was trying

Um, I guess the point that I was trying to make earlier

was it felt very

was it felt very novel. It felt very

novel. It felt very

novel. It felt very new. It felt very unique to

new. It felt very unique to

new. It felt very unique to us, you know. It felt like we were sort

us, you know. It felt like we were sort

us, you know. It felt like we were sort of

of

of creating our own thing.

our own type of relationship that nobody

our own type of relationship that nobody had ever done

had ever done

had ever done before and that was

exciting. Um the way that it kind of

exciting. Um the way that it kind of it's like I said it was gradual. It's

it's like I said it was gradual. It's

it's like I said it was gradual. It's not like one day we woke up and we're

not like one day we woke up and we're

not like one day we woke up and we're like, "Hey, do you all want to basically

like, "Hey, do you all want to basically

like, "Hey, do you all want to basically be in a de facto polymer relationship?"

be in a de facto polymer relationship?"

be in a de facto polymer relationship?" It was just sort of like

think the first night

think the first night that me and Becca did

that me and Becca did

that me and Becca did anything was because, you know, Brian

anything was because, you know, Brian

anything was because, you know, Brian didn't leave the house a

didn't leave the house a

didn't leave the house a lot, but one night he had to go to some

lot, but one night he had to go to some

lot, but one night he had to go to some dumb [ __ ] I don't know what it

dumb [ __ ] I don't know what it

dumb [ __ ] I don't know what it was.

was.

was. Um, and it was the first time that Becca

Um, and it was the first time that Becca

Um, and it was the first time that Becca and I had really been alone together in

and I had really been alone together in

and I had really been alone together in a long

a long

a long time. It was certainly the first time

time. It was certainly the first time

time. It was certainly the first time that we had ever been

that we had ever been

that we had ever been alone in a private

alone in a private

alone in a private room or a private space.

Um, and we were both like, well, you

Um, and we were both like, well, you know, cuz we had a sort of a routine

know, cuz we had a sort of a routine

know, cuz we had a sort of a routine where it would be like when I got home

where it would be like when I got home

where it would be like when I got home from

from

from work, we'd all sort of debrief in the

work, we'd all sort of debrief in the

work, we'd all sort of debrief in the living room and and talk about how our

living room and and talk about how our

living room and and talk about how our day was and what have you.

day was and what have you.

day was and what have you. And

And

And uh

we two of

we two of us sort of got together in the living

us sort of got together in the living

us sort of got together in the living room

room

room and watched some show. I don't remember

and watched some show. I don't remember

and watched some show. I don't remember what it was and it doesn't

matter. And I was drinking of course and

matter. And I was drinking of course and so is she.

so is she.

so is she. It's funny how that seems to be the

It's funny how that seems to be the

It's funny how that seems to be the common

common

common um

um

um common thread here.

And there really was

And there really was no there really was no bleed

up. We just all of a sudden I saw the

up. We just all of a sudden I saw the way that she was looking at me and I

way that she was looking at me and I

way that she was looking at me and I realized I must have been looking at her

realized I must have been looking at her

realized I must have been looking at her the same way

because we leaned in and

because we leaned in and and it was really nice. It was so nice.

and it was really nice. It was so nice.

and it was really nice. It was so nice. It was so nice

It was so nice

It was so nice and it was so exciting, you know.

forget just the pure

forget just the pure joy that was on her face and in her

joy that was on her face and in her

joy that was on her face and in her eyes.

I don't think I'll ever feel something

I don't think I'll ever feel something like that ever again. Which is fine

like that ever again. Which is fine

like that ever again. Which is fine because if this is what happens then

because if this is what happens then

because if this is what happens then it's I don't want to. So I'm good.

and the first thing I said, you know,

and the first thing I said, you know, cuz I was I'm I was starting to realize

cuz I was I'm I was starting to realize

cuz I was I'm I was starting to realize at that point that the feelings had

at that point that the feelings had

at that point that the feelings had probably never

probably never

probably never left, but you know, I'm I try to be a

left, but you know, I'm I try to be a

left, but you know, I'm I try to be a good person. I try to be a good moral

person. And so I said, "Well, what about

person. And so I said, "Well, what about Brian? You know, we shouldn't do this."

Brian? You know, we shouldn't do this."

Brian? You know, we shouldn't do this." The classic thing that everybody seems

The classic thing that everybody seems

The classic thing that everybody seems to say in movies in that

situation. And she was like, "No, don't

situation. And she was like, "No, don't worry because we've talked about

worry because we've talked about

worry because we've talked about it and he would be okay with it."

it and he would be okay with it."

it and he would be okay with it." And I was like,

And I was like,

And I was like, "Huh?

"Huh?

"Huh? What?"

Um, but she

Um, but she said, "Yeah."

said, "Yeah."

said, "Yeah." Um, you know, that time that we almost

Um, you know, that time that we almost

Um, you know, that time that we almost did this and it didn't

We sort of talk about that a

We sort of talk about that a lot because I think he

lot because I think he

lot because I think he regrets not allowing it to

Um, and so we always sort of flirted

Um, and so we always sort of flirted with the idea

with the idea

with the idea of if it ever happened

of if it ever happened

of if it ever happened again, maybe this time we would we would

again, maybe this time we would we would

again, maybe this time we would we would see it

through. And I said, "Well, how would he

through. And I said, "Well, how would he feel about cuz he's not here, so how

feel about cuz he's not here, so how

feel about cuz he's not here, so how would he feel about

would he feel about

would he feel about that happening?

there. I don't know. It just gives me a

there. I don't know. It just gives me a bad vibe. And also, that [ __ ] person

bad vibe. And also, that [ __ ] person

bad vibe. And also, that [ __ ] person was sitting out there hearing every word

was sitting out there hearing every word

was sitting out there hearing every word of what I was

saying. I'm not going to get any money

saying. I'm not going to get any money from that.

free content. She was getting free

free content. She was getting free content.

kosher

kosher because I don't believe that she ever

because I don't believe that she ever

because I don't believe that she ever told him.

We did not end

We did not end up Well, I'm about to say this like I'm

up Well, I'm about to say this like I'm

up Well, I'm about to say this like I'm such a great guy, but the only reason

such a great guy, but the only reason

such a great guy, but the only reason that we did not end up going all the way

that we did not end up going all the way

that we did not end up going all the way I feel so silly talking about this kind

I feel so silly talking about this kind

I feel so silly talking about this kind of stuff now as an adult.

The only reason we didn't was

The only reason we didn't was because was because I was having um

because was because I was having um

because was because I was having um issues

issues

issues because at the time, not anymore by the

because at the time, not anymore by the

because at the time, not anymore by the way, but at the

way, but at the

way, but at the time, my anxiety was was to such

time, my anxiety was was to such

time, my anxiety was was to such a significant

a significant

a significant extent that I would not be able to

extent that I would not be able to

extent that I would not be able to to get myself there, if you know what

to get myself there, if you know what

to get myself there, if you know what I'm saying.

so, so we we we went we came pretty damn

so, so we we we went we came pretty damn close, but didn't

close, but didn't

close, but didn't happen. Not that it would have

happen. Not that it would have

happen. Not that it would have mattered. Maybe it would have mattered.

mattered. Maybe it would have mattered.

mattered. Maybe it would have mattered. I don't know.

But

But uh Brian came home from whatever he was

uh Brian came home from whatever he was

uh Brian came home from whatever he was doing and uh we were out in the living

doing and uh we were out in the living

doing and uh we were out in the living room, you know, and and he said, "How

room, you know, and and he said, "How

room, you know, and and he said, "How are you

are you

are you guys have a fun

guys have a fun

guys have a fun night? Did the two of you fuck?" He said

night? Did the two of you fuck?" He said

night? Did the two of you fuck?" He said as a

as a

as a joke. And Becca was just like, "Yeah."

joke. And Becca was just like, "Yeah."

joke. And Becca was just like, "Yeah." playfully, you

playfully, you

playfully, you know, what are you gonna do about it?

know, what are you gonna do about it?

know, what are you gonna do about it? What would you do about

What would you do about

What would you do about it? And he said, I would be sad that you

it? And he said, I would be sad that you

it? And he said, I would be sad that you didn't let me

So, she was like, "Well, you're home

So, she was like, "Well, you're home now. Do you want to

I think you can figure out where the

I think you can figure out where the rest of the story

rest of the story

rest of the story goes. At least this

part. Now, it was a little bit

part. Now, it was a little bit humiliating because I didn't fix my

problem. So, I ended up giving up. And

problem. So, I ended up giving up. And then he was like, "Let me take a

crack."

crack." Anyway, that was that. And I think we

Anyway, that was that. And I think we

Anyway, that was that. And I think we knew that that something had been sort

of there was no going back from that.

of there was no going back from that. You

You

You know, we had cross the Rubicon.

of convened to discuss it. And I will

of convened to discuss it. And I will say, you

say, you

say, you know, we were all I think we were all

know, we were all I think we were all

know, we were all I think we were all very mature. We were all very

very mature. We were all very

very mature. We were all very emotionally intelligent. You

emotionally intelligent. You

emotionally intelligent. You know, we were all willing to make sure

know, we were all willing to make sure

know, we were all willing to make sure that that's the thing. We were very good

that that's the thing. We were very good

that that's the thing. We were very good at at

at at

at at uh making it sound like it was all

uh making it sound like it was all

uh making it sound like it was all right. We were very good at talking. You

right. We were very good at talking. You

right. We were very good at talking. You know, we were very good at sort of

know, we were very good at sort of

know, we were very good at sort of dressing all this up as

dressing all this up as

dressing all this up as as you know, when we So, we would say

as you know, when we So, we would say

as you know, when we So, we would say like, "Oh, I just want to make sure that

like, "Oh, I just want to make sure that

like, "Oh, I just want to make sure that we're communicating and as long as we're

we're communicating and as long as we're

we're communicating and as long as we're all communicating, everything will be

all communicating, everything will be

all communicating, everything will be fine.

fine.

fine. when uh you

when uh you

when uh you know that doesn't necessarily make it

know that doesn't necessarily make it

know that doesn't necessarily make it well. All right, I'm being a little too

well. All right, I'm being a little too

well. All right, I'm being a little too hard in

hard in

hard in retrospect. I do think that that we we

retrospect. I do think that that we we

retrospect. I do think that that we we we were all at the

beginning very

beginning very much trying to

much trying to

much trying to accommodate the other two.

accommodate the other two.

accommodate the other two. So we did genuinely, you

So we did genuinely, you

So we did genuinely, you know, try to make sure that that we were

know, try to make sure that that we were

know, try to make sure that that we were all

all

all comfortable and failed, but we

So, at

So, at first, the reason why I was okay with

first, the reason why I was okay with

first, the reason why I was okay with it was I think because I knew that Becca

it was I think because I knew that Becca

it was I think because I knew that Becca liked me more than

liked me more than

liked me more than him. And the reason why I know that is

him. And the reason why I know that is

him. And the reason why I know that is because she told

me. That was, I think, the first thing

me. That was, I think, the first thing that started to started to take it into

that started to started to take it into

that started to started to take it into territory that was probably not

territory that was probably not

territory that was probably not great

because because, you

because because, you know, a few months went by

know, a few months went by

know, a few months went by where it was very loosey goosey, you

where it was very loosey goosey, you

where it was very loosey goosey, you know, in terms of like who's doing what

know, in terms of like who's doing what

know, in terms of like who's doing what with who when, you know,

We would the three of

We would the three of us and it started to become like when

us and it started to become like when

us and it started to become like when they when we go on date nights when we

they when we go on date nights when we

they when we go on date nights when we go but but what that you know they would

go but but what that you know they would

go but but what that you know they would do

do

do things together and I would come like I

things together and I would come like I

things together and I would come like I mean I would go and arrive

mean I would go and arrive

mean I would go and arrive um with them. And so it was like the

um with them. And so it was like the

um with them. And so it was like the date night started to become three

date night started to become three

date night started to become three people. And honestly that's the way it

people. And honestly that's the way it

people. And honestly that's the way it was before too, you know. It's just that

was before too, you know. It's just that

was before too, you know. It's just that now I think it was that's the thing like

now I think it was that's the thing like

now I think it was that's the thing like nothing really changed that much. It

nothing really changed that much. It

nothing really changed that much. It just all sort of evolved, you know.

Um, and then what started to happen was

Um, and then what started to happen was it would be like one of us, it it would

it would be like one of us, it it would

it would be like one of us, it it would be like if Becca and I wanted to go do

be like if Becca and I wanted to go do

be like if Becca and I wanted to go do something, that was a big conversation

something, that was a big conversation

something, that was a big conversation that we had to have because we said,

"Okay, if one of us wants to do

"Okay, if one of us wants to do something with the other without the

something with the other without the

something with the other without the third, how do we handle

third, how do we handle

third, how do we handle that? And so we said, well, you know

that? And so we said, well, you know

that? And so we said, well, you know what? Let's just make it so that none of

what? Let's just make it so that none of

what? Let's just make it so that none of us has to brooach the awkward subject

us has to brooach the awkward subject

us has to brooach the awkward subject and

and

and ask, why don't we just set up a routine,

ask, why don't we just set up a routine,

ask, why don't we just set up a routine, a schedule where every

a schedule where every

a schedule where every Friday, you know, Becca and I get to go

Friday, you know, Becca and I get to go

Friday, you know, Becca and I get to go do something.

do something.

do something. following

following

following Friday, um Brian and and Becca get to do

Friday, um Brian and and Becca get to do

Friday, um Brian and and Becca get to do something and then on the third Friday,

something and then on the third Friday,

something and then on the third Friday, Brian and me get to do something. And I

Brian and me get to do something. And I

Brian and me get to do something. And I was like, you know what, we don't have

was like, you know what, we don't have

was like, you know what, we don't have to do the last one, but but but but I

to do the last one, but but but but I

to do the last one, but but but but I did anyway because it was fair, you

did anyway because it was fair, you

did anyway because it was fair, you know, we were just trying to keep it

fair.

fair. And I I certainly always liked the

And I I certainly always liked the

And I I certainly always liked the nights with Becca the most. It was kind

nights with Becca the most. It was kind

nights with Becca the most. It was kind of like I was doing all of this just as

of like I was doing all of this just as

of like I was doing all of this just as I realize now in retrospect. I don't

I realize now in retrospect. I don't

I realize now in retrospect. I don't think at the time I had the foresight to

think at the time I had the foresight to

think at the time I had the foresight to know that. But but but but I was doing

know that. But but but but I was doing

know that. But but but but I was doing all of this because I wanted to be in a

all of this because I wanted to be in a

all of this because I wanted to be in a relationship with

relationship with

relationship with Becca. And if it was like I think

Becca. And if it was like I think

Becca. And if it was like I think that Well, I don't know. Can't speak for

that Well, I don't know. Can't speak for

that Well, I don't know. Can't speak for her. We haven't talked about it

her. We haven't talked about it

her. We haven't talked about it since Becca got far away from me and I

since Becca got far away from me and I

since Becca got far away from me and I don't blame her one bit.

I think Becca wanted me to go to jail if

I think Becca wanted me to go to jail if her Facebook posts were any

indication even though she tends to It's

indication even though she tends to It's just interesting that that she shares so

just interesting that that she shares so

just interesting that that she shares so much anti- prison abolition or prison

much anti- prison abolition or prison

much anti- prison abolition or prison abolition content and yet she seemed

abolition content and yet she seemed

abolition content and yet she seemed very for prison when it was me.

very for prison when it was me.

very for prison when it was me. But I understand. I think that I think

But I understand. I think that I think

But I understand. I think that I think that that's kind of the way that

that that's kind of the way that

that that's kind of the way that she I think that's kind of the way that

she I think that's kind of the way that

she I think that's kind of the way that she she was able to deal with the

she she was able to deal with the

she she was able to deal with the feelings of guilt that maybe she was

feelings of guilt that maybe she was

feelings of guilt that maybe she was responsible for it in some way, which

responsible for it in some way, which

responsible for it in some way, which she was. No, I shouldn't say that. I

she was. No, I shouldn't say that. I

she was. No, I shouldn't say that. I mean I mean I think that's the thing. I

mean I mean I think that's the thing. I

mean I mean I think that's the thing. I think all three of

think all three of

think all three of us played a hand in the destruction of

us played a hand in the destruction of

us played a hand in the destruction of the

the

the other. It's just that I happened to be

other. It's just that I happened to be

other. It's just that I happened to be the cork that popped first.

the cork that popped first.

the cork that popped first. If it hadn't been

If it hadn't been

If it hadn't been me would have been somebody else.

me would have been somebody else.

me would have been somebody else. Something was going to

Something was going to

Something was going to happen because that house started to

happen because that house started to

happen because that house started to become a powder

become a powder

become a powder keg. That house started to

keg. That house started to

keg. That house started to become a pressure cooker.

And if you think about it, I do think

And if you think about it, I do think that that that

that that that

that that that probably

probably

probably my breakdown, my being the one who did

my breakdown, my being the one who did

my breakdown, my being the one who did something first really was a pressure

something first really was a pressure

something first really was a pressure release of all of

release of all of

release of all of us, you know, because I think that

know, but it was like we were all one

know, but it was like we were all one organism where it's imagine if like one

organism where it's imagine if like one

organism where it's imagine if like one of your arms was pretending to be like

of your arms was pretending to be like

of your arms was pretending to be like do what the other arm did, but then

do what the other arm did, but then

do what the other arm did, but then constantly one arm was trying to

constantly one arm was trying to

constantly one arm was trying to strangle me and then the other arm would

strangle me and then the other arm would

strangle me and then the other arm would would, you know, trying to cut the other

would, you know, trying to cut the other

would, you know, trying to cut the other arm off, but then they would all the

arm off, but then they would all the

arm off, but then they would all the arms would try to pretend that that

arms would try to pretend that that

arms would try to pretend that that didn't wasn't what they were

didn't wasn't what they were

didn't wasn't what they were doing.

um, oh [ __ ] Christ almighty.

um, oh [ __ ] Christ almighty. Sorry, I can't find where I put my

Sorry, I can't find where I put my

Sorry, I can't find where I put my kombucha. Not the glass, the the

kombucha. Not the glass, the the

kombucha. Not the glass, the the refiller, the

Okay. Sorry, I really This my kombucha

Okay. Sorry, I really This my kombucha is my go- go

is my go- go

is my go- go juice, so I have to have that.

Okay, crisis averted. Thank you all for

Okay, crisis averted. Thank you all for your

your

your patience.

Oh, I'm almost out though. This might be

Oh, I'm almost out though. This might be the last

the last

the last glass. Oh no, I think we got a little

glass. Oh no, I think we got a little

glass. Oh no, I think we got a little little bit more go. I don't think it's

little bit more go. I don't think it's

little bit more go. I don't think it's good to drink all this in one

good to drink all this in one

good to drink all this in one go, but it's not good to do a lot of

go, but it's not good to do a lot of

go, but it's not good to do a lot of things.

things.

things. It's not good to uh get in a polyamorous

It's not good to uh get in a polyamorous

It's not good to uh get in a polyamorous relationship with your two roommates,

relationship with your two roommates,

relationship with your two roommates, even

though you know that that's not actually

though you know that that's not actually what your intentions

what your intentions

what your intentions are because I don't think that I could

are because I don't think that I could

are because I don't think that I could ever say

ever say

ever say honestly that was what I genuinely

honestly that was what I genuinely

honestly that was what I genuinely wanted. You know, I don't care about

wanted. You know, I don't care about

wanted. You know, I don't care about bra. I mean, honestly,

like Well, I shouldn't say that. I mean,

like Well, I shouldn't say that. I mean, he was fine.

he was fine.

he was fine. Like, I just sort

of I didn't like him. Do you ever have a

of I didn't like him. Do you ever have a friend who you just don't like? You

friend who you just don't like? You

friend who you just don't like? You know, where it's like you just sort of

know, where it's like you just sort of

know, where it's like you just sort of like I don't know, you you you you think

like I don't know, you you you you think

like I don't know, you you you you think like, well, I don't really enjoy being

like, well, I don't really enjoy being

like, well, I don't really enjoy being around this person. I don't like talking

around this person. I don't like talking

around this person. I don't like talking to this

to this

to this person. This person doesn't really they

person. This person doesn't really they

person. This person doesn't really they annoy me.

annoy me.

annoy me. But but that's just what happens when

But but that's just what happens when

But but that's just what happens when you're when you're best friends with

mean I can definitely say that I was

mean I can definitely say that I was never attracted to him. That's the

never attracted to him. That's the

never attracted to him. That's the biggest

biggest

biggest thing. That's the biggest thing. And so

thing. That's the biggest thing. And so

thing. That's the biggest thing. And so when we had to I'll be totally honest

when we had to I'll be totally honest

when we had to I'll be totally honest with you, you know, when when the time

with you, you know, when when the time

with you, you know, when when the time came to

came that I started to realize it would

came that I started to realize it would get it would be because now all right

get it would be because now all right

get it would be because now all right maybe I was a little bit of a bad person

maybe I was a little bit of a bad person

maybe I was a little bit of a bad person because I distinctly remember

because I distinctly remember

because I distinctly remember knowing I have to pretend tend to like

knowing I have to pretend tend to like

knowing I have to pretend tend to like Brian just as much. Otherwise, they're

Brian just as much. Otherwise, they're

Brian just as much. Otherwise, they're going to realize that something is up.

going to realize that something is up.

going to realize that something is up. Otherwise, he is going to realize that

Otherwise, he is going to realize that

Otherwise, he is going to realize that the only reason why I'm doing this is

the only reason why I'm doing this is

the only reason why I'm doing this is because I just want to be with her. So,

because I just want to be with her. So,

because I just want to be with her. So, I have to at least

I have to at least

I have to at least pretend. And that was a very intentional

pretend. And that was a very intentional

pretend. And that was a very intentional thought on my part. I can't say all that

thought on my part. I can't say all that

thought on my part. I can't say all that woo wee woo wee like well maybe I just

woo wee woo wee like well maybe I just

woo wee woo wee like well maybe I just didn't understand my own blah blah blah

didn't understand my own blah blah blah

didn't understand my own blah blah blah but that was very much an intentional

but that was very much an intentional

but that was very much an intentional thought that I had and I purposely said

thought that I had and I purposely said

thought that I had and I purposely said I need to just pretend. So I'm going to

I need to just pretend. So I'm going to

I need to just pretend. So I'm going to go out with with

go out with with

go out with with Brian and I'm unfortunately I'm going to

Brian and I'm unfortunately I'm going to

Brian and I'm unfortunately I'm going to have to [ __ ]

have to [ __ ]

have to [ __ ] him. Maybe I'll see if I can get away

him. Maybe I'll see if I can get away

him. Maybe I'll see if I can get away with not going all the

with not going all the

with not going all the way, but I have to do

way, but I have to do

way, but I have to do that. Keep up

appearances. And I do think the problem

appearances. And I do think the problem also is that I do think that he didn't

also is that I do think that he didn't

also is that I do think that he didn't feel that way. I think that he I do

feel that way. I think that he I do

feel that way. I think that he I do think he was genuinely attracted to me.

think he was genuinely attracted to me.

think he was genuinely attracted to me. Um, and the reason why I know that is

Um, and the reason why I know that is

Um, and the reason why I know that is because um, Becca told me that

um, privately. She said one of the

um, privately. She said one of the reasons why he's going to be okay with

reasons why he's going to be okay with

reasons why he's going to be okay with this is because he has always had a

this is because he has always had a

this is because he has always had a crush on

crush on

crush on you.

Um, and

Um, and so we we the two of us, the two

so we we the two of us, the two

so we we the two of us, the two boys went out on our on our little

boys went out on our on our little

boys went out on our on our little date and it was around a time when I I

date and it was around a time when I I

date and it was around a time when I I could s I could sense that there were

could s I could sense that there were

could s I could sense that there were sort of some suspicions that were

sort of some suspicions that were

sort of some suspicions that were starting to

starting to

starting to broil or at least it was reaching a a

broil or at least it was reaching a a

broil or at least it was reaching a a point of tension that that needed to

point of tension that that needed to

point of tension that that needed to have a release.

So, so I I brought

So, so I I brought up I forget what we were

up I forget what we were

up I forget what we were doing. Just getting pizza somewhere or

doing. Just getting pizza somewhere or

doing. Just getting pizza somewhere or something. And I said,

something. And I said,

something. And I said, uh, how do you feel about

me? because

me? because I am will I will admit I'm starting to

I am will I will admit I'm starting to

I am will I will admit I'm starting to get a little jealous

get a little jealous

get a little jealous of the amount of

time

time that

that

that Becca is taking

Becca is taking

Becca is taking you. I feel like we spent a lot more

you. I feel like we spent a lot more

you. I feel like we spent a lot more time together, just the two of us before

time together, just the two of us before

time together, just the two of us before this, and I miss that. It was a lie. I

this, and I miss that. It was a lie. I

this, and I miss that. It was a lie. I was lying. But I knew that I had to I

was lying. But I knew that I had to I

was lying. But I knew that I had to I had

to sell it. So, I knew that I had to

to sell it. So, I knew that I had to start saying that stuff. And if I bring

start saying that stuff. And if I bring

start saying that stuff. And if I bring it up as though I'm jealous and I'm not

it up as though I'm jealous and I'm not

it up as though I'm jealous and I'm not okay with it,

okay with it,

okay with it, then he'll believe that, you

then he'll believe that, you

then he'll believe that, you know. Um, and he I remember him thinking

know. Um, and he I remember him thinking

know. Um, and he I remember him thinking that it really really he was really

that it really really he was really

that it really really he was really touched by it.

touched by it.

touched by it. Um, and he said,

Um, and he said,

Um, and he said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I think I

"Well, to tell you the truth, I think I

"Well, to tell you the truth, I think I like you more than

like you more than

like you more than her." I was like, "Really?" And he said,

her." I was like, "Really?" And he said,

her." I was like, "Really?" And he said, "No, no, no." And then he immediately

"No, no, no." And then he immediately

"No, no, no." And then he immediately took it back, you know, but but but

um I said,

um I said, "Well, let's just let's just make sure

"Well, let's just let's just make sure

"Well, let's just let's just make sure it's a little more equal, you know?

uh, again, in order to I don't like I

uh, again, in order to I don't like I mean, I I hate I'm not I I

mean, I I hate I'm not I I

mean, I I hate I'm not I I don't I don't think I'm a manipulative

don't I don't think I'm a manipulative

don't I don't think I'm a manipulative guy, but I said, "Well, instead of

guy, but I said, "Well, instead of

guy, but I said, "Well, instead of instead of going straight home, why

instead of going straight home, why

instead of going straight home, why don't we, you know, get a get a hotel

don't we, you know, get a get a hotel

don't we, you know, get a get a hotel somewhere? you know, cheap

somewhere? you know, cheap

somewhere? you know, cheap cheapy. Um, and he made a lot more money

cheapy. Um, and he made a lot more money

cheapy. Um, and he made a lot more money than me at the time. So, so, so he was

than me at the time. So, so, so he was

than me at the time. So, so, so he was like, "Yeah, sure. I'll pay for

it." I can genuinely

it." I can genuinely say I did not enjoy anything that

say I did not enjoy anything that

say I did not enjoy anything that happened in that hotel room. It was

happened in that hotel room. It was

happened in that hotel room. It was consensual, of course, but I didn't

consensual, of course, but I didn't

consensual, of course, but I didn't enjoy

enjoy

enjoy it at all.

And I couldn't

And I couldn't even you

even you

even you know once again but this time it was not

know once again but this time it was not

know once again but this time it was not because of anxiety this time it was just

because of anxiety this time it was just

because of anxiety this time it was just because of

disgust you know and it's a horrible

disgust you know and it's a horrible thing to say

thing to say

thing to say but just wasn't

but just wasn't

but just wasn't there but again and and that that's when

there but again and and that that's when

there but again and and that that's when I started to think you know

What? Well, I don't think the thought

What? Well, I don't think the thought ever I I remember thinking like, well, I

ever I I remember thinking like, well, I

ever I I remember thinking like, well, I don't think this is

don't think this is

don't think this is sustainable,

but something that was sort of looming

but something that was sort of looming over all of

over all of

over all of this was the fact

this was the fact

this was the fact that, oh, I should have mentioned this

that, oh, I should have mentioned this

that, oh, I should have mentioned this earlier. Becca was

earlier. Becca was

earlier. Becca was um a year younger than

um a year younger than

um a year younger than us, so she was going to have her

us, so she was going to have her

us, so she was going to have her graduation a year

graduation a year

graduation a year after.

after.

after. And I think part of what made it sort

And I think part of what made it sort

And I think part of what made it sort of bearable or made us sort of able

of bearable or made us sort of able

of bearable or made us sort of able to, you know, I always knew, well, this

to, you know, I always knew, well, this

to, you know, I always knew, well, this has a heart

has a heart

has a heart out regardless. you know, she's I don't

out regardless. you know, she's I don't

out regardless. you know, she's I don't I mean, it's not like she got a job

I mean, it's not like she got a job

I mean, it's not like she got a job anywhere, but I sort of said like,

anywhere, but I sort of said like,

anywhere, but I sort of said like, well, once that happens, once she uh

well, once that happens, once she uh

well, once that happens, once she uh once

once

once she

she

she graduates, you know, she sort

graduates, you know, she sort

graduates, you know, she sort of talked

of talked

of talked about the idea of um

uh that she doesn't want to stay here in

uh that she doesn't want to stay here in the

the

the city, you know, that that that she

city, you know, that that that she

city, you know, that that that she just and

um you know, at that age, I don't know

um you know, at that age, I don't know if any of you have ever been in a

if any of you have ever been in a

if any of you have ever been in a relationship where

relationship where

relationship where you know that there's a

you know that there's a

you know that there's a looming sort of sort of a hard out, like

looming sort of sort of a hard out, like

looming sort of sort of a hard out, like I said, where you know that that that

I said, where you know that that that

I said, where you know that that that that that

that that

that that that at that point. Well, also I've

that at that point. Well, also I've

that at that point. Well, also I've started to realize that that's kind of

started to realize that that's kind of

started to realize that that's kind of there with every relationship no matter

there with every relationship no matter

there with every relationship no matter what. I mean, everybody knows that it's

what. I mean, everybody knows that it's

what. I mean, everybody knows that it's either the relationship's going to end

either the relationship's going to end

either the relationship's going to end or when he's going to die either, you

or when he's going to die either, you

or when he's going to die either, you know. So, so there is a hard

know. So, so there is a hard

know. So, so there is a hard out for every relationship no matter

out for every relationship no matter

out for every relationship no matter what. You always know that there's an

what. You always know that there's an

what. You always know that there's an end. There's going to be an end.

time I didn't want to stay there

time I didn't want to stay there forever because it was a small

forever because it was a small

forever because it was a small town and I had had big dreams of of, you

town and I had had big dreams of of, you

town and I had had big dreams of of, you know, moving to LA, becoming a satirical

know, moving to LA, becoming a satirical

know, moving to LA, becoming a satirical content

content

content creator.

creator.

creator. Um,

Um,

Um, and I would apply for things and and of

and I would apply for things and and of

and I would apply for things and and of course get nothing.

well, who's going to be the first one to

well, who's going to be the first one to leave and how is that going to affect

leave and how is that going to affect

leave and how is that going to affect what the the other two of us do?

Um, and so she I

Um, and so she I think very very conveniently sort of

think very very conveniently sort of

think very very conveniently sort of played koi about what she was going to

played koi about what she was going to

played koi about what she was going to do after. And we didn't really they had

do after. And we didn't really they had

do after. And we didn't really they had they had some kind of argument about it.

they had some kind of argument about it.

they had some kind of argument about it. I wasn't there because I was I was it

I wasn't there because I was I was it

I wasn't there because I was I was it was one of the nights where I was off

was one of the nights where I was off

was one of the nights where I was off doing something. All I know is that I

doing something. All I know is that I

doing something. All I know is that I came home and uh they were not I came

came home and uh they were not I came

came home and uh they were not I came home and the living room was empty and I

home and the living room was empty and I

home and the living room was empty and I was like, you know,

was like, you know,

was like, you know, um and uh Brian was

um and uh Brian was

um and uh Brian was asleep. So I don't knocked on Becca's

asleep. So I don't knocked on Becca's

asleep. So I don't knocked on Becca's door and I said, "Is everything all

door and I said, "Is everything all

door and I said, "Is everything all right?" You know, it's kind of kind of

right?" You know, it's kind of kind of

right?" You know, it's kind of kind of strange. She said, "No, we just we just

And she said, "Can you come in?" She

And she said, "Can you come in?" She shut the

something? I don't know if I like this

something? I don't know if I like this anymore."

And funny enough, that was never

And funny enough, that was never something that we any of us thought

something that we any of us thought

something that we any of us thought about, like what would happen if one of

about, like what would happen if one of

about, like what would happen if one of us wanted to stop but the other didn't

us wanted to stop but the other didn't

us wanted to stop but the other didn't or the other two

didn't because I think we both knew

didn't because I think we both knew that whichever one of us stops

that whichever one of us stops

that whichever one of us stops first is basically

first is basically

first is basically forfeiting Becca to the

forfeiting Becca to the

forfeiting Becca to the other. And I'm saying this be because

other. And I'm saying this be because

other. And I'm saying this be because there again, never at any point in my

there again, never at any point in my

there again, never at any point in my mind was there ever a remote possibility

mind was there ever a remote possibility

mind was there ever a remote possibility that it would be me and

that it would be me and

that it would be me and Brian. So it really in my head at least

Brian. So it really in my head at least

Brian. So it really in my head at least and and I'm sure that that's one of the

and and I'm sure that that's one of the

and and I'm sure that that's one of the main many reasons why I approached this

main many reasons why I approached this

main many reasons why I approached this in the wrong

way. You know, it was always like which

way. You know, it was always like which one of us is gonna

win. And I think, you know, in I've

win. And I think, you know, in I've talked a lot in therapy about this. I

talked a lot in therapy about this. I

talked a lot in therapy about this. I really do

Now, I'm gonna tell you something. In

Now, I'm gonna tell you something. In retrospect, I really don't think that I

retrospect, I really don't think that I

retrospect, I really don't think that I I think that that already happened. I I

I think that that already happened. I I

I think that that already happened. I I think that that was the way that it was

think that that was the way that it was

think that that was the way that it was the whole time. You

and so when when Becca said, "I don't

and so when when Becca said, "I don't know if I like doing this anymore," I

know if I like doing this anymore," I

know if I like doing this anymore," I said, "Well, well, what do you mean? Is

said, "Well, well, what do you mean? Is

said, "Well, well, what do you mean? Is every do you want to stop?" And she was

every do you want to stop?" And she was

every do you want to stop?" And she was like, "No, no, no, no, no. It's just

like, "No, no, no, no, no. It's just

like, "No, no, no, no, no. It's just that it's just that it's it's hard, you

that it's just that it's it's hard, you

that it's just that it's it's hard, you know, and there were a lot of times

know, and there were a lot of times

know, and there were a lot of times where where where this would happen

where where where this would happen

where where where this would happen where some one of us would get upset

where some one of us would get upset

where some one of us would get upset about it or something or we would all

about it or something or we would all

about it or something or we would all have, you know, we would all say,

have, you know, we would all say,

have, you know, we would all say, "Well, this is just a new thing. This is

"Well, this is just a new thing. This is

"Well, this is just a new thing. This is a weird situation. So, I don't know how

a weird situation. So, I don't know how

a weird situation. So, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know if

I'm supposed to feel. I don't know if

I'm supposed to feel. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal because there

what I'm feeling is normal because there

what I'm feeling is normal because there is no normal for this situation."

And whenever one of us would sort of get

And whenever one of us would sort of get more depressed or or

more depressed or or

more depressed or or or blah blah blah, then the other two

or blah blah blah, then the other two

or blah blah blah, then the other two would kind of try to pick up the

would kind of try to pick up the

would kind of try to pick up the slack.

Um, and that was the first night that me

Um, and that was the first night that me and Becca

and Becca

and Becca um, cuz remember we all had individual

rooms and we would

rooms and we would sleep separately. And I'm talking about

sleep separately. And I'm talking about

sleep separately. And I'm talking about actually sleep. You know, there were

actually sleep. You know, there were

actually sleep. You know, there were there were there were certainly a lot of

there were there were certainly a lot of

there were there were certainly a lot of nights

where, you know, all three of us would

where, you know, all three of us would blah blah. It was it

blah blah. It was it

blah blah. It was it was at that point up until that point,

was at that point up until that point,

was at that point up until that point, it would be very rare if two of

it would be very rare if two of

it would be very rare if two of us did something without the other

us did something without the other

us did something without the other knowing.

knowing.

knowing. Maybe that happened with Becca and Brian

Maybe that happened with Becca and Brian

Maybe that happened with Becca and Brian before this point. I don't know. That

before this point. I don't know. That

before this point. I don't know. That hadn't happened with me and Becca before

hadn't happened with me and Becca before

hadn't happened with me and Becca before this point. I don't think. Trying to

this point. I don't think. Trying to

this point. I don't think. Trying to remember. But it but it was it just

remember. But it but it was it just

remember. But it but it was it just eventually just became a blur. I don't

eventually just became a blur. I don't

eventually just became a blur. I don't know. I can't remember. That's the

know. I can't remember. That's the

know. I can't remember. That's the thing. It was a long time. So So I

thing. It was a long time. So So I

thing. It was a long time. So So I honestly I can't

honestly I can't

honestly I can't remember. That was the first night that

remember. That was the first night that

remember. That was the first night that I

I

I remember sleeping with her the whole

remember sleeping with her the whole

remember sleeping with her the whole night.

night.

night. And then quickly in the morning getting

And then quickly in the morning getting

And then quickly in the morning getting up and walking over to my room trying to

up and walking over to my room trying to

up and walking over to my room trying to be very quiet. I was lucky because

be very quiet. I was lucky because

be very quiet. I was lucky because because they both slept late. They both

because they both slept late. They both

because they both slept late. They both always slept late. I never was a late

always slept late. I never was a late

always slept late. I never was a late sleeper. I got up. I love getting up

know, Brian had

know, Brian had uh I think started to

uh I think started to

uh I think started to to I thought I was so sneaky, you

to I thought I was so sneaky, you

to I thought I was so sneaky, you know, but I I don't believe I don't

know, but I I don't believe I don't

know, but I I don't believe I don't think he was an

idiot. I think he could tell that

idiot. I think he could tell that something was

something was

something was was something was always going on

was something was always going on

was something was always going on though. That's the other thing. Like it

though. That's the other thing. Like it

though. That's the other thing. Like it was never I don't I don't think I would

was never I don't I don't think I would

was never I don't I don't think I would ever the only there was never a time

ever the only there was never a time

ever the only there was never a time that it went

that it went

that it went well bef after we had all decided this

well bef after we had all decided this

well bef after we had all decided this was what we were going to do after we

was what we were going to do after we

was what we were going to do after we had all decided you know what we're just

had all decided you know what we're just

had all decided you know what we're just going to embrace this and we're going to

going to embrace this and we're going to

going to embrace this and we're going to become a unit of three. I do not

become a unit of three. I do not

become a unit of three. I do not remember there ever being a good

remember there ever being a good

remember there ever being a good moment that was not done secretly or

moment that was not done secretly or

moment that was not done secretly or with or shamefully or or felt like we

with or shamefully or or felt like we

with or shamefully or or felt like we were

were

were cheating, you know, even though we

cheating, you know, even though we

cheating, you know, even though we weren't. It was more about the

weren't. It was more about the

weren't. It was more about the intention.

uh Brian

uh Brian went just for a

weekend to visit

weekend to visit uh his brother because it was his

uh his brother because it was his

uh his brother because it was his wedding.

And I think that was the tipping

And I think that was the tipping point because because

um that was the longest that I had ever

um that was the longest that I had ever been that I had ever been with Becca

been that I had ever been with Becca

been that I had ever been with Becca without

without

without him. Never. It had never happened for

him. Never. It had never happened for

him. Never. It had never happened for longer than a few hours.

me. What I actually am wanting out of

me. What I actually am wanting out of this situation is just to be in a

this situation is just to be in a

this situation is just to be in a relationship with

her. And so we had a really, really,

her. And so we had a really, really, really, really, really nice weekend

really, really, really nice weekend

really, really, really nice weekend together.

And I that's when I started to realize

And I that's when I started to realize this situation is not

this situation is not

this situation is not normal. I think that I was pretending I

normal. I think that I was pretending I

normal. I think that I was pretending I you know cuz cuz I I think I was fooling

you know cuz cuz I I think I was fooling

you know cuz cuz I I think I was fooling Brian too but but I was also fooling

Brian too but but I was also fooling

Brian too but but I was also fooling myself. I was

myself. I was

myself. I was pretending pretending that this is

pretending pretending that this is

pretending pretending that this is actually the way that I felt when it was

actually the way that I felt when it was

actually the way that I felt when it was not and I just didn't

not and I just didn't

not and I just didn't know. But then that weekend I

upset because I got really drunk the

upset because I got really drunk the night before he was coming

I you know Becca said what's wrong you.

I you know Becca said what's wrong you. Oh my

god. And I straight up said, I want you

god. And I straight up said, I want you all to

All right, I'm polishing off the last of

All right, I'm polishing off the last of this bch.

Oops. She switched up on

Oops. She switched up on me. I don't know if it was

me. I don't know if it was

me. I don't know if it was because maybe

because maybe

because maybe she was feeling bad. Maybe she was Maybe

she was feeling bad. Maybe she was Maybe

she was feeling bad. Maybe she was Maybe she did agree with me, but she knew that

she did agree with me, but she knew that

she did agree with me, but she knew that she

but she got very

but she got very steely and she said, "Well, you know

steely and she said, "Well, you know

steely and she said, "Well, you know that can't happen like that.

And I was like, "Yeah, I know." But I

And I was like, "Yeah, I know." But I didn't know inside. I was like, "Wait a

didn't know inside. I was like, "Wait a

didn't know inside. I was like, "Wait a minute. What do you mean? Why

not?" And she slips up. She slept alone

not?" And she slips up. She slept alone that last night.

that last night.

that last night. And I was like, well, is everything

And I was like, well, is everything

And I was like, well, is everything okay? I'm sorry if that was too I'm

okay? I'm sorry if that was too I'm

okay? I'm sorry if that was too I'm sorry if that was too far. If I

sorry if that was too far. If I

sorry if that was too far. If I shouldn't have said

shouldn't have said

shouldn't have said that. And it was this just classic this

that. And it was this just classic this

that. And it was this just classic this I just feel like this is always the way

I just feel like this is always the way

I just feel like this is always the way that like we all non-confrontational

that like we all non-confrontational

that like we all non-confrontational people would handle things cuz cuz we

people would handle things cuz cuz we

people would handle things cuz cuz we would just be like she would be like,

would just be like she would be like,

would just be like she would be like, "No, everything's fine. I just want some

"No, everything's fine. I just want some

"No, everything's fine. I just want some alone time." Clear. And she was clearly

alone time." Clear. And she was clearly

alone time." Clear. And she was clearly like upset about something but didn't

like upset about something but didn't

like upset about something but didn't want to admit

it.

it. And I am not trying to accuse her of

And I am not trying to accuse her of

And I am not trying to accuse her of being

manipulative. I wish that I could ask

manipulative. I wish that I could ask her what what she was

her what what she was

her what what she was thinking. I don't want to I don't want

thinking. I don't want to I don't want

thinking. I don't want to I don't want to go straight and assume the

to go straight and assume the

to go straight and assume the worst

worst

worst intentions. Um I'm trying to find a

intentions. Um I'm trying to find a

intentions. Um I'm trying to find a need. I need to

I don't want to have a $100 incidental

I don't want to have a $100 incidental charge for spilling kombucha on the

charge for spilling kombucha on the

charge for spilling kombucha on the floor.

Um, but it I have to

Um, but it I have to wonder because she said the complete

wonder because she said the complete

wonder because she said the complete opposite

And all that's sort of that that was

And all that's sort of that that was very difficult because then I started to

very difficult because then I started to

very difficult because then I started to think, "Oh man, I [ __ ] it up." You

think, "Oh man, I [ __ ] it up." You

think, "Oh man, I [ __ ] it up." You know, I'm

know, I'm

know, I'm I'm I got so scared because now that

I'm I got so scared because now that

I'm I got so scared because now that I've got, you know, I mean, I I don't

I've got, you know, I mean, I I don't

I've got, you know, I mean, I I don't think I was ever romantically attracted

think I was ever romantically attracted

think I was ever romantically attracted to Brian, but certainly we were friends.

to Brian, but certainly we were friends.

to Brian, but certainly we were friends. I mean, I enjoyed being around him, you

I mean, I enjoyed being around him, you

I mean, I enjoyed being around him, you know. Sometimes I didn't. But but

know. Sometimes I didn't. But but

know. Sometimes I didn't. But but but the idea of losing everyone in my

but the idea of losing everyone in my

but the idea of losing everyone in my life in one fell

swoop was terrifying. And that's what I

swoop was terrifying. And that's what I thought was going to

happen. In my

happen. In my fantasies, I took all three of us

out in order to get to sleep because I

out in order to get to sleep because I have

insomnia. That's what I would fantasize

insomnia. That's what I would fantasize about.

Bam, bam,

Bam, bam, bam. Easy peasy. No

bam. Easy peasy. No

bam. Easy peasy. No mess. The

end. I didn't know where to get a gun. I

end. I didn't know where to get a gun. I couldn't afford a gun

either. And I'm not saying that I was

either. And I'm not saying that I was going to do that.

going to do that.

going to do that. But I certainly thought about

it. That was honestly the only reason

it. That was honestly the only reason why I was able to

uh it calmed me

uh it calmed me down. You know, does that kind of thing

down. You know, does that kind of thing

down. You know, does that kind of thing ever calm you down when you're

ever calm you down when you're

ever calm you down when you're anxious? You start thinking like, well,

anxious? You start thinking like, well,

anxious? You start thinking like, well, I do have an escape hatch. You

know I can just do this very simple easy

know I can just do this very simple easy thing

Um so I think

Um so I think that like I said I was not going to do

that like I said I was not going to do

that like I said I was not going to do that. But I was not planning on it, but

that. But I was not planning on it, but

that. But I was not planning on it, but I would plan on it just as a exercise,

I would plan on it just as a exercise,

I would plan on it just as a exercise, you know, just as a therapeutic thing

you know, just as a therapeutic thing

you know, just as a therapeutic thing because then it was like, okay, I know

because then it was like, okay, I know

because then it was like, okay, I know exactly how I would do this. I know

exactly how I would do this. I know

exactly how I would do this. I know exactly how I would get away with it and

exactly how I would get away with it and

exactly how I would get away with it and I could do it and it would solve all my

problems. I never

problems. I never considered I can honestly say and my

considered I can honestly say and my

considered I can honestly say and my lawyer was asking me this too. I can

lawyer was asking me this too. I can

lawyer was asking me this too. I can honestly say I never I

honestly say I never I

honestly say I never I never made a premeditated decision to

never made a premeditated decision to

never made a premeditated decision to get rid of only one of

get rid of only one of

get rid of only one of them. So I did not my plan and we didn't

them. So I did not my plan and we didn't

them. So I did not my plan and we didn't tell the judge this. My plan was to get

tell the judge this. My plan was to get

tell the judge this. My plan was to get rid of all three of us at the same time.

rid of all three of us at the same time.

rid of all three of us at the same time. Murder, murder, suicide.

if it just started to get to the point

if it just started to get to the point where I was I was

where I was I was

where I was I was uh just sort

uh just sort

uh just sort of I really wanted to do it. I really

of I really wanted to do it. I really

of I really wanted to do it. I really wanted to

Because

Because every single thing, every time that I

every single thing, every time that I

every single thing, every time that I got

got

got upset, which was all the time, because

upset, which was all the time, because

upset, which was all the time, because it was my entire life, it was like this,

it was my entire life, it was like this,

it was my entire life, it was like this, this entire situation had consumed me to

this entire situation had consumed me to

this entire situation had consumed me to the point where it was like every moment

the point where it was like every moment

the point where it was like every moment of every day I

of every day I

of every day I am balls deep in this hor horrific

know, but it was like as soon as I would

know, but it was like as soon as I would think about

think about

think about it, as soon as I would think, yeah, bam,

it, as soon as I would think, yeah, bam,

it, as soon as I would think, yeah, bam, bam,

bam, it would all go

bam, it would all go away. It would just be an

instant. It was like a drug. in addition

instant. It was like a drug. in addition to the all the other drugs I was on.

remember around the time when I started

remember around the time when I started to really

fantasize that that was also correlated

fantasize that that was also correlated to my increased in in my increase in

to my increased in in my increase in

to my increased in in my increase in um Xanax.

Max, that was probably the that was the

Max, that was probably the that was the kicker when it comes to my my

kicker when it comes to my my

kicker when it comes to my my cocktail. That was the one that was that

cocktail. That was the one that was that

cocktail. That was the one that was that was, you know, I probably could have

was, you know, I probably could have

was, you know, I probably could have sustained myself with all of

sustained myself with all of

sustained myself with all of them except that one. There's just some

them except that one. There's just some

them except that one. There's just some drugs that are that are it's only a

drugs that are that are it's only a

drugs that are that are it's only a matter of time before it ruins your

matter of time before it ruins your

matter of time before it ruins your life, you know?

life, you know?

life, you know? Most of them won't. Most of them you can

Most of them won't. Most of them you can

Most of them won't. Most of them you can kind of coast on for a long time, but

kind of coast on for a long time, but

kind of coast on for a long time, but there are

some. And I've talked about this in a

some. And I've talked about this in a lot of other videos. You get these sort

lot of other videos. You get these sort

lot of other videos. You get these sort of

of

of flashes of memories. You don't remember

flashes of memories. You don't remember

flashes of memories. You don't remember exactly what

happened, but you sort of get a little

happened, but you sort of get a little snapshot.

And I

And I remember one night could barely [ __ ]

remember one night could barely [ __ ]

remember one night could barely [ __ ] stand

up. But I but

up. But I but but I don't know before or after. All I

but I don't know before or after. All I

but I don't know before or after. All I remember is looking in Brian's room with

remember is looking in Brian's room with

remember is looking in Brian's room with the because he slept with the door kind

the because he slept with the door kind

the because he slept with the door kind of

cracked. All I remember is looking at

cracked. All I remember is looking at his [ __ ] face

sleeping and he snored so

sleeping and he snored so loud. [ __ ] hate when people

snore. And I had got a big I've I've

snore. And I had got a big I've I've heard people on some of my videos say

heard people on some of my videos say

heard people on some of my videos say that's not a butcher's knife. That's a

that's not a butcher's knife. That's a

that's not a butcher's knife. That's a chef's knife or whatever it was.

chef's knife or whatever it was.

chef's knife or whatever it was. Whatever the really big one

is. I remember holding

is. I remember holding it, just gripping it so

And then the next snapshot I

And then the next snapshot I remember is Becca's face looking

horrified. I hadn't done anything

horrified. I hadn't done anything yet, but I

yet, but I

yet, but I guess she saw me standing there. And you

guess she saw me standing there. And you

guess she saw me standing there. And you know that's a difficult thing to explain

know that's a difficult thing to explain

know that's a difficult thing to explain when you're at somebody's staring at

when you're at somebody's staring at

when you're at somebody's staring at somebody's doorstep with a giant kitchen

somebody's doorstep with a giant kitchen

somebody's doorstep with a giant kitchen knife seething with

hatred. That's a difficult thing to play

hatred. That's a difficult thing to play off, you know. So I was like, "Oh no, I

off, you know. So I was like, "Oh no, I

off, you know. So I was like, "Oh no, I was just uh you know, you know, trying

to cut

to cut sushi." I don't remember what I said.

um I had

um I had hoped that maybe that had been a

hoped that maybe that had been a

hoped that maybe that had been a dream, but it was not.

dream, but it was not.

dream, but it was not. I

I

I think Becca started

think Becca started

think Becca started to treat me very differently after

to treat me very differently after

to treat me very differently after that evening.

Now I don't

Now I don't know. Sorry. Can't figure out where to

know. Sorry. Can't figure out where to

know. Sorry. Can't figure out where to sit down.

him. I don't know what they talked about

him. I don't know what they talked about when I wasn't in the

planning and I would confront them about

planning and I would confront them about it. I would

say where are you both going, you know,

say where are you both going, you know, at 11:00 a.m. on a weekday together that

at 11:00 a.m. on a weekday together that

at 11:00 a.m. on a weekday together that I can't also go.

I can't also go.

I can't also go. They say, "Oh, nothing, nothing,

I tried on myself

I tried on myself first, but I couldn't do

first, but I couldn't do

first, but I couldn't do it. I never wanted to

die. That was the dishonest part of my

die. That was the dishonest part of my fantasy.

I always get anxious when I think about

I always get anxious when I think about the next

part mostly because I don't remember it

part mostly because I don't remember it very well.

And I think that's probably the thing

And I think that's probably the thing that haunts me the

most. I don't remember anything before

most. I don't remember anything before or

snapshot. It doesn't feel real when I

snapshot. It doesn't feel real when I think

But at the same time, it feels too real

But at the same time, it feels too real to be a

dream. That's what started to

dream. That's what started to happen. Eventually, you start to forget

happen. Eventually, you start to forget

happen. Eventually, you start to forget what was a dream, what's a

what was a dream, what's a

what was a dream, what's a memory, what's something you thought

memory, what's something you thought

memory, what's something you thought about

Becca was when

Becca was when she

saw and she looked at me the same way

saw and she looked at me the same way that she looked to me when I was looking

that she looked to me when I was looking

that she looked to me when I was looking at Brian in the

at Brian in the

at Brian in the back

back

back bedroom. Only a 100,000 times

bedroom. Only a 100,000 times

bedroom. Only a 100,000 times worse. 100,000 times more intense. It's

worse. 100,000 times more intense. It's

worse. 100,000 times more intense. It's very difficult to explain because it's

very difficult to explain because it's

very difficult to explain because it's it's a facial expression that most

it's a facial expression that most

it's a facial expression that most people never ever ever ever ever ever

part. The part that really scares

part. The part that really scares me is that

It's a shame that's the last thing that

It's a shame that's the last thing that I

remember with her at

remember with her at least. It's a shame that that's the last

least. It's a shame that that's the last

least. It's a shame that that's the last time that we saw each other because we

time that we saw each other because we

time that we saw each other because we had so many wonderful, wonderful

had so many wonderful, wonderful

had so many wonderful, wonderful memories.

But I would get rid of all of them if it

But I would get rid of all of them if it meant I could get rid of that

one. I guess she called the cops because

one. I guess she called the cops because they

they

they came and there was no way to explain,

came and there was no way to explain,

came and there was no way to explain, you

I'm in retrospect very very very glad

I'm in retrospect very very very glad that I did not try to clean up the

that I did not try to clean up the

that I did not try to clean up the board.

board.

board. I am very

I am very

I am very glad that I was so [ __ ] up that the

glad that I was so [ __ ] up that the

glad that I was so [ __ ] up that the only thing that happened was I

only thing that happened was I

only thing that happened was I immediately dropped the knife and fell

immediately dropped the knife and fell

immediately dropped the knife and fell asleep cuz that probably saved my ass in

asleep cuz that probably saved my ass in

asleep cuz that probably saved my ass in court. I mean, it's funny. you probably

court. I mean, it's funny. you probably

court. I mean, it's funny. you probably wouldn't think about it,

wouldn't think about it,

wouldn't think about it, but the fact that I didn't do anything

but the fact that I didn't do anything

but the fact that I didn't do anything to try

to try

to try to fix the

situation spoke volumes in terms of how

situation spoke volumes in terms of how premeditated it was. That's really the

premeditated it was. That's really the

premeditated it was. That's really the kicker with in the legal system,

kicker with in the legal system,

kicker with in the legal system, premeditation. If they can

premeditation. If they can

premeditation. If they can prove that it was premeditated, if you

prove that it was premeditated, if you

prove that it was premeditated, if you can prove that there was

can prove that there was

can prove that there was intent, [ __ ] is going to be 10 times

intent, [ __ ] is going to be 10 times

intent, [ __ ] is going to be 10 times worse for you.

Now, was it

Now, was it premeditated? I don't [ __ ]

know. Can't prove

know. Can't prove it. Even if it

anyway it uh helped. I'm glad that I had

anyway it uh helped. I'm glad that I had kept my nose pretty squeaky clean before

kept my nose pretty squeaky clean before

kept my nose pretty squeaky clean before that. And I'm also glad that my

that. And I'm also glad that my

that. And I'm also glad that my toxicology report or whatever they call

toxicology report or whatever they call

toxicology report or whatever they call it when you you know they they took my

it when you you know they they took my

it when you you know they they took my blood and they made me pee in a cup and

blood and they made me pee in a cup and

blood and they made me pee in a cup and my lawyer said, "Yeah, do

my lawyer said, "Yeah, do

my lawyer said, "Yeah, do it." I'm

it." I'm

it." I'm glad that it was

glad that it was

glad that it was so saturated with so many different

so saturated with so many different

so saturated with so many different substances. That helped me a lot too in

substances. That helped me a lot too in

substances. That helped me a lot too in court.

court.

court. And like I

And like I

And like I said, I don't think if I had been sober

said, I don't think if I had been sober

said, I don't think if I had been sober any of that would happen. But I also

any of that would happen. But I also

any of that would happen. But I also don't think I ever would have been

Let's go back out on the patio. Need

Let's go back out on the patio. Need some fresh air.

This thing is badly designed because

This thing is badly designed because this hangs in front of the door every

this hangs in front of the door every

this hangs in front of the door every time you can

ago, it was only a week after my day,

ago, it was only a week after my day, June 4th.

So how his parents got

So how his parents got involved

was some point during co I think

was some point during co I think everybody collectively lost their minds

everybody collectively lost their minds

everybody collectively lost their minds and I did not envy them you

and I did not envy them you

and I did not envy them you know having to deal with co I guess it

know having to deal with co I guess it

know having to deal with co I guess it was 10

was 10

was 10 months after June 2019

months after June 2019

months after June 2019 19 was when Ryan put that

thing. But still, I mean, I think that

thing. But still, I mean, I think that that that probably was

that that probably was

that that probably was what got them to the point where they

said, I remember his mom texting me one

said, I remember his mom texting me one night, and his mom's kind of

night, and his mom's kind of

night, and his mom's kind of a she's very nice lady, but I think, you

a she's very nice lady, but I think, you

a she's very nice lady, but I think, you know,

me? There's just a question that we want

me? There's just a question that we want to ask

to ask

to ask you." And at first I didn't answer him

you." And at first I didn't answer him

you." And at first I didn't answer him because I was just like, "No, I don't

because I was just like, "No, I don't

because I was just like, "No, I don't want to get involved with that.

Um, I had to the the reason why they

Um, I had to the the reason why they didn't give me any jail time was because

didn't give me any jail time was because

didn't give me any jail time was because I was had not though I was not a

I was had not though I was not a

I was had not though I was not a previous offender. I was very very very

previous offender. I was very very very

previous offender. I was very very very very very very under the influence of

very very very under the influence of

very very very under the influence of drugs and

drugs and

drugs and alcohol. Um, I I played up the

alcohol. Um, I I played up the

alcohol. Um, I I played up the manipulation on behalf of

manipulation on behalf of

manipulation on behalf of them. So I'm I I was able

them. So I'm I I was able

them. So I'm I I was able to and I do think there was some

to and I do think there was some

to and I do think there was some manipulation on their

manipulation on their

manipulation on their parts but you know that was the part

parts but you know that was the part

parts but you know that was the part that I really had to

that I really had to

that I really had to sell.

thankfully.

thankfully. So I ignored her at

So I ignored her at

So I ignored her at first, but then she kept she was like,

first, but then she kept she was like,

first, but then she kept she was like, "Please, please, I I I

"Please, please, I I I

"Please, please, I I I I will do anything if you just answer me

I will do anything if you just answer me

I will do anything if you just answer me one question that we

have." And so I said, "Sure." came at

have." And so I said, "Sure." came at all. Oh, what the stupid

all. Oh, what the stupid

all. Oh, what the stupid thing? No, I didn't say sure. Like,

thing? No, I didn't say sure. Like,

thing? No, I didn't say sure. Like, sure. You know, I I said,

well, why don't we go meet somewhere?

well, why don't we go meet somewhere? You know, we can both keep our masks on.

You know, we can both keep our masks on.

You know, we can both keep our masks on. Remember

Remember

Remember that?

that?

that? Um, and we can sit

Um, and we can sit

Um, and we can sit outside in a neutral area, you know.

outside in a neutral area, you know.

outside in a neutral area, you know. And all they wanted to ask me was was

And all they wanted to ask me was was

And all they wanted to ask me was was why we can't figure out

why we can't figure out

why we can't figure out why his best

friend, the best friend that he ever

friend, the best friend that he ever had, why you would do that. They didn't

had, why you would do that. They didn't

had, why you would do that. They didn't say it like

that. And like I said, they were very,

that. And like I said, they were very, very graceful. They said, "We want to

very graceful. They said, "We want to

very graceful. They said, "We want to understand

understand

understand They didn't say it that

forcefully. And so I told them the whole

forcefully. And so I told them the whole story that I just told

story that I just told

story that I just told you, the entire damn

you, the entire damn

you, the entire damn thing. And I don't know if they

thing. And I don't know if they

thing. And I don't know if they understood. I don't know if frankly it's

understood. I don't know if frankly it's

understood. I don't know if frankly it's just that they're

just that they're

just that they're desperate. They're desperate for

desperate. They're desperate for

desperate. They're desperate for something.

because this is a very unique

because this is a very unique situation, a situation that most people

situation, a situation that most people

situation, a situation that most people are probably never

are probably never

are probably never in. We just have to go with our gut and

in. We just have to go with our gut and

in. We just have to go with our gut and follow how we feel.

Oh, wow. That's kind of cool. Look, you

Oh, wow. That's kind of cool. Look, you can see there's a million of

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